My mom WARNED she’d disown me…if I go on a trip she disapproves of! - r/relationships | Reddit Stories | EP2124 - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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Speaker 2 (00:05):
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
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get into the episode.

Speaker 3 (00:16):
My mom warned she disowned me if I went on
the trip she forbid me to go on.

Speaker 2 (00:22):
Well, better own that trip, then, yeah.

Speaker 3 (00:24):
Better be a good trip. Let me start by saying
that I am financially independent from my parents, working seventy
miles away from their house, living in my own apartment,
paying off my student loans and car loan by myself,
although I still go to them for life advice and
value their opinions. By the way, this comes from Gwilgue,
and if you want to submit your own stories, go

(00:46):
to our slash Shoaking Storytime suffered it so. I have
a very close relationship with my parents. I love them,
respect them, am grateful for everything they've done for me,
and recognize how lucky I am. But as I get older,
it gets harder and art to put up with their
over protective tendencies and their emotional manipulative ways. Here's the situation.
My friend invited me to go to SF with her

(01:08):
and some friends for a couple of days, just to
explore and hang out. We'd been driving from LA and
we wouldn't be able to leave LA until the afternoon,
which puts us in SF pretty late at night. Now,
I've never been on a multi day road trip with
my friends before because my parents have never let me,
giving reasons like young drivers are not safe drivers, the
drive is too far. A group of girls shouldn't be

(01:30):
traveling alone unless there are at least eight of them.
What why does it have to be eight?

Speaker 2 (01:34):
That's a very arbitrary number.

Speaker 3 (01:36):
When I first told them about the trip, my parents
seemed to think I was asking for permission. They said,
it's not safe for us to be driving at night
for so long, so I'm not allowed to go. No
op's financially independent and an adult. I had anticipated that
my parents would try to pull this and had resolved
that this was it. I was going to draw a
line in the sand and establish that it's not up
to them to make decisions for me anymore. So I

(01:57):
told them I was going to go on the trip anyway,
reassuring them that I would be careful and that I
would text them periodically to let them know where I
am and what I'm doing, and then is expected. Things
didn't go well, my mom, who was incredibly stubborn and
quick to anger, started screaming at me. She said that
if I really loved her, I wouldn't be making her worry.
She said that if I were a good daughter, I

(02:18):
would have told my friend that I wouldn't go in
the first place, because I knew my parents wouldn't feel
comfortable with the night drive. She said that she's doing
this for my own benefit, for my own safety. I
explain that I'm not trying to hurt her or make
her worry. I just think that she's overly concerned, and
really it's not her place to give permission anymore. And
that's when she said it. If you go, don't come home,

(02:39):
don't call me mom. You're not my daughter anymore. Do
you understand your mom's crazy.

Speaker 2 (02:44):
There's two types of narcissism that I'm aware of. There's
the one type where it's like, Oh, I'm the greatest
in the world, and then there's the type where it's like
the world is out to get me, like everything is
out to get me like you're actively against me. Why
are you trying to hurt me? And this is what
it's giving. It's giving heavy, heavy narcissism vibes and.

Speaker 3 (03:02):
Also just like not understanding that your child is grown
and an adult and capable of making their own decisions
and you no longer have a say in what they
do and you can advise them against you can say
that's not safe. You know, it really scares me. You
can't disown them for going on a trip that's incredibly silly.

Speaker 2 (03:23):
You can, but it's just like not the proper way
to go.

Speaker 3 (03:27):
I mean, you're gonna regret it. You're gonna have lost
your daughter because of your behavior.

Speaker 2 (03:32):
Like for me, like I'm planning a trip to go
to Japan in October. It's like the first time I've
gone on a trip like not with my family or
not for like traveling for like school competitions and stuff.
And it's like I don't know how to tell my
parents that because it's like are they gonna try to
pull this stuff on me? The biggest thing was just
like why are you going for so long? Do you
know how much that's gonna cost you? And it's like, oh,

(03:53):
this is going a lot better than I thought it
was gonna go. So it's like they only care that
I'm being, according to them, financially irresponsible.

Speaker 3 (03:59):
I told that I was gonna be cro climbing outside
and she's like, what, No, you can't. She's like, you promised.
I was like, no, I didn't. She was like, but
you said that you would only climb indoors. It's like
you're gonna die.

Speaker 2 (04:09):
I'm like, okay, mom, real quick before we move on.
This reminds me when I was just getting out of college.
I had an internship lined up with Rity magazine that
I was stoked over the moonfloor, and then I called
my mom to tell her, Like as soon as I
found out, like, hey, I got the internship, she started
crying because she's like, you told me you were going
to take the l SAT. You lied to me. And

(04:30):
it's like, yo, I just got the dream, paid internship
of a lifetime. I have no interest in law school.
I just said that to make you stop bothering me
in college. And like she's here crying on the phone.
It's like, great, this was supposed to be a happy memory,
but isn't that.

Speaker 3 (04:46):
My dad was a lot calmer during this conversation, although
I'm sure he doesn't feel the same degree of concern
that my mom does about the night drive, he kept
reiterating that since the trip is not important to me
and my mom is so concerned about it, I shouldn't go. No,
if you continue to let your parents think that they
have a say over everything that you do and control
over your actions as an adult, they're going to keep
pulling stuff like this. You have to set boundaries. Honestly,

(05:09):
probably setting boundaries is going to improve your relationship with
your parents, even though it may not seem like that
in the short term. There will be plenty of other
trips in the future that I could go on. Throughout
the conversation, my dad kept saying that he and my
mom aren't trying to control me. Gradually, as I get
older and have more experience, my opinions will weigh more
than their concerns.

Speaker 2 (05:26):
Not trying to control you. That's exactly what you're doing
right there.

Speaker 3 (05:29):
It's exactly what you're saying, either you don't go on
this trip, or we disown you.

Speaker 2 (05:33):
And it's also like, if not this trip, then what
trip you're gonna say the next time? No, don't go
on this trip, you go on the next one, go
on the next one. It's never going to happen. Once
you go on the one, then that gives you the
out and the door, and that gets you through it.

Speaker 3 (05:47):
I pointed out that this process still has to happen
on their terms, and his response was, yes, of course
it does. You have to keep in mind that were
your parents, and it's not easy for us to just
let go to do whatever. It has to be gradual. Hey,
look at your friends and heavy their independence, but you
have to remember that every family is different. There are
some things that they have that we don't have, and
some things that we have that they don't have. That's

(06:09):
a stupid conversation. I would understand if OPI was not
financially independent and was living at home like that would
maybe a different story. Opie does not live with her parents,
does not rely on her parents for money. Why are
you letting them control your life?

Speaker 2 (06:23):
Just real quick? Are you the sibling that I didn't
know about? Because like, why are you telling me my life?

Speaker 3 (06:28):
I don't know how to get through to them. They
can't keep using their concerns as reasons to get me
to behave and when I try to go against their wishes.
They can't keep screaming and making me feel guilty and
small until I agree with them. Every time we have
a conversation like this, I ended up caving in, and
I hate myself for it. I feel pathetic and embarrassed
and weak, and I don't know how much longer I
can deal with his self flagellation for not being able

(06:50):
to stand up for what I want. This is the
first time my mom has ever threatened to disown me,
and it hurts so much. I know she feels like
I'm the one who's doing all the hurting, But how
do I make her see that? And since she's so stubborn,
I feel like she would make good on her threat,
never giving in until I come around and beg for forgiveness.
I can't live a life without my parents. It would

(07:11):
tear me apart inside every day. But I don't think
it's right for me to keep living my life on
their terms. I don't want to be unfair to them.
My parents didn't pick my major, school, boyfriend, etc. Although
I know that they didn't one hundred percent agree with
my choices in those areas. But even for small things
like going on vacations with friends. I don't think it's
up to them to decide, and they can't seem to

(07:31):
understand that I otherwise have a great relationship with my
parents and that's what's at stake here. Do I want
to throw it all away to prove a point? The
trip itself isn't important to me. The independences, I guess
I'm just looking for some perspective. Have any of your
parents disowned or threatened to disown you because they didn't
like a decision you made? How did you handle it?
Did your parents come around? I hate that I have

(07:53):
to play chicken with my mom, and I don't know
if it's worth it. I'm feeling so hurt and upset
and unsure about what to do. So Annie would be
really appreciated. Thank you so much. And I'm not sure
how much context this will provide. But I am Asian
American and grew up learning that a good love and
grateful daughter is an obedient daughter. I recognize how ridiculous
this is, but it's really difficult to shake the mindset,

(08:14):
and there is an up da I.

Speaker 2 (08:15):
Was gonna ask. I could feel the Asian American in there. Somehow,
It's like I can't just be thinking this. There has
to be some reason why I'm feeling this. A lot
of it is the culture, because a lot of the time,
like Asian American families are very like familial centric. There's
not that same level of independence that like you have
in Western culture. So I don't know if this ope's

(08:35):
family is like from Asia come to America maybe, or
if they were raised here, but it's such a trademark.
The deference to your elders and that they will continue
to make decisions for you and that they'll like slowly
wean you out of the family kind of a thing.
It brings very Filipino to me. I'm listening to this
and it's like, not just me, but a lot of

(08:57):
people that I know who have grown up in a
similar environment. Is He's like, all right, that person would
relate to this. This person I know, yet they relate
to this part. It's very difficult to kind of get
out of that because you do want to keep your
parents in your life. You do want to maintain that
relationship with your parents. It's never an easy way to
kind of get out of it.

Speaker 3 (09:15):
Yeah, I was wondering. I'm like, honestly, I think one
solution would be you need to stop listening to your
parents and like say, like, you know, put your foot down.
But also, you know, it is a little bit different
in this situation. You're saying that you don't want to
lose your parents and stuff, which is maybe something we
have to go to therapy for and think about, like
how to deal with parents like.

Speaker 2 (09:35):
That culture doesn't like therapy.

Speaker 3 (09:38):
I think maybe another solution is you just don't tell
them that you're doing these things. You know, like you
went to them and offered up that information that you
were going on the trip. Just don't tell them. Just
do it, you know, because I feel like there's also
this kind of need to get permission. I think there
is that. As much as OP saying I don't need it,
I'm independent, I think there is also this thing that's

(09:58):
kind of been drilled into our that she has to
ask permission and has to have her parents' approval. So
I'm like, just maybe just don't tell them so much.

Speaker 2 (10:07):
I think a lot of it might be fear response
or the fear tactic when raising a kid, Like it's
fear of consequence, and I feel that that's what's here.
There's the fear that's instilled in op that they can't
quite shake because it's so deeply instilled in them. But
it's also like with what you said about like not
telling the parents, Like I went to Vegas one time
in college, and like, I know my parents wouldn't have approved,

(10:29):
but it's like I was going with camp friends and
we were like, you know, this is our like our
big hurrah before we actually go do camp. I didn't
tell my parents where I was going, Like, oh, yeah,
I'm going on a retreat with the camp folks. I'll
be safe. I'll tell you when I'm there and when
i'm home, And that's what I did.

Speaker 3 (10:45):
It's like, honestly, if this is the type of relationship
you have and they're gonna continue to behave like that
and you still don't want to lose that relationship, that
is just like don't tell them. First off. I want
to thank everyone who commented, especially those of you understood
how it's not so easy for me to just say
f off, mom, I do what I want. I wouldn't
even want to handle that way. After stressing over it
for days, seriously, I think I literally made myself sick

(11:07):
with stress. I decided that I was going to go
to SF. I told my mom, I've thought about it
a lot, and I've decided that I am going to
go on this trip. I know it worries you, but
I don't think driving at night should be a big
concern to keep me from going.

Speaker 4 (11:20):
I love you, and I'll keep you updated throughout. Surprisingly,
my mom did not erupt. She just asked, why do
you have to go this weekend?

Speaker 3 (11:28):
Is f SEF gonna disappear if you don't go this weekend?
Is your friend going to pass away? You act like
this is the only chance that you have to go
on this trip, and you know how much it would
worry me. You guys would be driving at night, when
you would be tired, in visibility would be low. I
told her, no, of course not. I know that SF
is always going to be there and that friend's name
isn't going anywhere. But the opportunity is here now and

(11:49):
I want to go, and I think that's a good
enough reason. And without warning, my mom broke down in tears.
She could barely get the words out. She just kept repeeding,
you broke my heart, You broke my heart. We're still
she told my younger sister, who was also on the line,
and if you agree with your sister, then you broke
my heart to She got so upset that she couldn't
talk anymore, and she just walked away from the phone.

(12:11):
It was on speaker At this point. My dad took
over and gave his perspective some of his key points,
all of which he claim explained very calmly.

Speaker 4 (12:18):
You know, it's not like we don't want you to
be happy or have fun. Your mom is just really
worried about you. She loves you.

Speaker 3 (12:23):
Think about how.

Speaker 4 (12:24):
Much your mom has done for you. There are something
she does for you now that even I don't understand
why she does them cook food for me to bring
back to my apartment, considering how much of herself she
gives to you. If your mom feels very strongly about something,
you should really take that into consideration. It's not often
that she feels very strongly about something. If I had
any opportunity to make my parents happy, I wouldn't do

(12:44):
it every time. I understand where you're coming from, but
you have to understand where we're coming from. We're not
American parents. We show our love and concern in different ways.
You say that you're not trying to hurt us, But
your a tent doesn't matter whether or not you were
trying to We're already hurt. Look, you're an adult and
you have to make a decision at this point in
your life. Is this trip you're independence more important to
you than what it would do to your mom? If

(13:05):
you feel like you need this right now, like you
need to make a sudden break from us instead of
letting it happen gradually, then do it. What up until
this point, you've been letting it happen gradually?

Speaker 3 (13:14):
Right, You have to.

Speaker 4 (13:15):
Decide what's more important, your family or yourself. If you
go on this trip, would you even really enjoy yourself
given everything that's really happened, knowing that your mom feels
like this, and if you enjoy it, what kind of
person does that make you. I'm not trying to make
you feel guilty. I'm just saying, oh, yes you are, ooh.
I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm just
reminding you I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.
I just want you to know, dang, that was a

(13:37):
whole bunch of guilty for not trying to make you
feel guilty.

Speaker 2 (13:41):
Are you Filipino? Please tell me. This is a conversation
that I've definitely had with my parents on multiple occasions.
You could see my face when I was doing that,
but I was reacting like, oh wow, this is something
that I've heard several times over, and it doesn't stop.
Even if they don't do it on this occasion, they'll
find another thing they're doing on It doesn't stop until

(14:02):
you make it stup, until you prove that this area
of false logic is not gonna work on you. You
have to stand up for yourself again. It's the fear tactic,
the fear of your going to lose their love and affection.

Speaker 3 (14:14):
I didn't say much during this. The conversation ended with
my dad telling me to take some time to think
about it and to let them know the next day,
which was the day I would have left for the trip.
The next morning, I got this text from my dad.
I've waund your mom away crying in bed this morning.
Her eyes are swollen because of how much she cried.
If you think you're grown up, love us and appreciate
what we did for you, then you know what to do.

(14:36):
Call me. If you don't, you have sacrificed so much
for you over your life. Ask yourself how much you
have done in return. Action speak louder than words, especially
in times of need. Ask yourself what you value most
in your life. I know my mom was overreacting, but
I couldn't handle knowing that my actions had caused her
so much pain. I couldn't handle knowing that my mom
was sitting there thinking that I didn't give a crap

(14:58):
about her and everything she's done for me. And if
I went on the trip, well, she probably wouldn't have
sown me. She'd take my decision to mean that I
cared more about myself and hanging out with my friends
than her, and that would cut her so deep. I
don't know if our relationship would ever be the same.
So I decided not to go. It's not a decision
that I'm happy with, but really, none of my options

(15:19):
would have made me happy. Every five seconds, I flipped
between feeling really upset at my parents for their emotional
manipulation and anguishing over whether I really am an unappreciative
daughter for being so dismissive about my parents' concerns. It's
all I've been able to think about for the past
few days, and it's really taking an emotional toll on me.
By the way, what maybe we'll relieve some of that

(15:39):
emotional toll is listening to full episodes of stories just
like this. Just go to Spotify, Apple Podcast, or iHeartRadio
and search a focus story time. There's a little bit left,
but I'm sure you have a lot of thoughts.

Speaker 2 (15:49):
I have so many thoughts. It's the narcissism tactic that like,
because you want to do something, it means something against them.
It's always about them, and like you've shown that it works.
I feel for op so hard on this because it's like,
I know what that feeling is, Like I've been in
so many of those conversations and it hurts because you're

(16:11):
not trying to hurt someone. The hard part is that
they ascribe it to them, and no matter what you
say that it's not about them, they're never going to
allow that. I don't know if they believe it, or
if they've told themselves the lie enough so long that
they do believe it at that point. But OPI's in
a real tough spot. OPI has to find a middle
ground at some point or take a stand because it's
just gonna breed resentment over and over again. Over the years,

(16:33):
they're actively sabotaging your own happiness, Like you're not happy
with this decision. You wouldn't be happy with that decision,
but at least you would have gone on the trip.

Speaker 3 (16:40):
I feel like you're saying, like, oh, like I wouldn't
have been happy if I went on the trip, and
you probably would have had a lot of feelings of
guilt and sadness and stuff, But I think it would
have been a step in the right direction in terms
of showing them that you know, you're living your life
and stuff. But also, like, this is something that's like
super hard and like supercultural.

Speaker 2 (16:56):
Now, this is more deep seated than you could possibly
hash out over a single trip. There's a lot to
unpack here between you and your parents. Part of it
is that, like it's the idea that respect is demanded,
Like not that you shouldn't respect your parents, but it's
like they expect you to do whatever they say because
they're your parents and because they demand that respect.

Speaker 3 (17:16):
I don't know how to proceed from here on out.
I'll be seeing my parents this weekend, and my dad
has already started pretending like everything's hunky dory. The good
news is my mom seems to be happy now, according
to my dad's text, I haven't talked to her myself.
I feel like I need to have a conversation with
them about this, but I'm not really sure how it
would go, since I don't see any possibility for compromise

(17:37):
when it comes to my desires versus their legitimate concerns
quote unquote Reddit, I just need some general advice. How
can I help my parents understand that when I make
a decision they don't like, it doesn't mean that I
don't respect and love them. And if they were being
emotionally manipulative, how can I explain.

Speaker 2 (17:52):
This to them?

Speaker 3 (17:53):
I find myself for playing the discussions I had with them,
and since I can't come up with cogent arguments that
I can see them understanding, I start doubting whether or
not I'm in the right. And that's it. That there's
no more to that story. My final thought is, you
just need to start doing it.

Speaker 2 (18:08):
Tell them when you're on the trip, like you're already leaving.

Speaker 3 (18:11):
But that is the end of that stories.

Speaker 2 (18:13):
My sister took my credit card without asking, so I
warned her with legal action. Sure this sisters asking for disaster,
My sister Amanda and I have never been close siblings.
We are polite to each other and get along well
and know little bits and pieces of each other's lives,
but we're not super close. We're both married and I

(18:35):
have children. By the way, this comes from the sister
has a mister and if you want to submit your
own stories, just go to the Okay story time subreddit.
I frequently travel for my work, and I have a
company card for expenses, which I use when I travel.
I also have a personal debit card for personal expenses,
but when I'm traveling, I don't use it very much.

(18:56):
Last week, I was going over my debit card statement
when I noticed charges that were out of place. The
total for the charges was well over one thousand, which
alarmed me. I knew I didn't make them. I was
traveling at the time, and my husband had no idea
where they came from. The charges were airfare and accommodation,
and at first I thought I made a mistake in

(19:18):
charging my personal card instead of my company card, but
when I crosschecked, I didn't make any mistakes.

Speaker 3 (19:25):
And that's when you freaking cancel your credit card and
you call your bank.

Speaker 2 (19:28):
I called it my bank and disputed the charges. My
husband told me to file a police report if I
was worried about having my identity stolen or having my
credit rating go down. In the midst of this, my
sister called and I mentioned the card fraud and that
I was contemplating filing a police report. She became very
upset and told me that she would be over immediately.

(19:49):
When she came, she told me that she was the
one who used my card. First, she tried to pass
it off as my forgetfulness. Oh, I told you I
needed to use my card, and you said okay and
gave it to me. But I asked her when I
said that she gave me a date when I was
out of town. I told her it would have been
impossible for her to have spoken to me then because

(20:10):
I had been out of the country. She became silent
and would not answer when I asked her why she
did that? All right, real quick, what do you think?
Why do you think she did that?

Speaker 3 (20:19):
She wanted to steal your money.

Speaker 2 (20:20):
I was beyond frustrated and annoyed, and I told her
I wouldn't file a police report if she paid me.
She became very agitated at this, and the truth came
out She's been cheating on her husband for some time
now electronically and it had finally turned physical. Since she
doesn't work, she couldn't afford to buy tickets to see him,

(20:41):
so when they'd come over for my son's birthday, she
had taken my card details and used it to buy
plane tickets and a hotel room. I asked her how
she got around her husband, and she said he was
out of town, so it was easy for her to
leave without suspicion. Wow. To be honest, I felt as
if I was talking to a complete stranger, and I

(21:02):
was disgusted. Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way,
but that's how I am. I told her that if
she told her husband about the affair and paid me back,
I would not file a report. She wept and told
me that if she confessed, her marriage would be over.

Speaker 3 (21:17):
Oh no, well, maybe you shouldn't have cheated.

Speaker 2 (21:20):
Well well, well, and if it isn't, the consequences of
your own actions.

Speaker 4 (21:24):
Literally.

Speaker 2 (21:24):
I told her that she made that choice when she
chose to cheat, and that I would give her till
Wednesday this week to decide. Since then, she has called
me up daily to beg plead then her abuse at me.
She has done it to my husband as well. She
has told our parents too, and they sided with her
at first, but then when the whole truth came out,

(21:46):
they said they are staying out of the matter. My
mom did say that maybe I should be kind to
her and not make her tell her husband that she
has learned her lesson. No, but in my view, she
has not learned her lesson, and she is just throwing
this tantrum to get her way, i e. Not repaying
the fraud she committed, not confessing to doing wrong to
your significant other. I've been told that I can be

(22:08):
too harsh at times, and I wonder if I'm doing
it this time. There's an update.

Speaker 3 (22:12):
No, you're not being too harsh. It's not even like
you're like, I'm immediately gonna go tell her husband. You're
giving her the opportunity to come clean to her husband.
So that's already a lot of consideration.

Speaker 2 (22:23):
She can do it on her own terms at this point,
like she's getting off incredibly easy.

Speaker 3 (22:27):
Exactly, you said, pay me back for the money you
stole and tell your husband that's it. You could have
gone straight to the police.

Speaker 2 (22:34):
Report, like had she filed the police report before calling
the sister and talking to her sister be over, over
and out, like there's no going back from that, because
once the police reports filed, you, I don't think you're
allowed to take it back. So this is op gletting
sister off so easy. Thank you so much for all
your advice and comments. I also had a few very
supportive private messages, and believe me when I say that

(22:57):
you all help me stay sane. Today was supposed to
be the deadline that I gave her to make a choice,
but things have gotten so much messier. Amanda discovered yesterday
she is pregnant.

Speaker 3 (23:11):
From the fair partner.

Speaker 2 (23:13):
What would be worse the affair partner or the husband?
What do you think?

Speaker 3 (23:16):
Well, maybe it would be worse for the husband if
it was his kid, because you know, he can't make
a clean break.

Speaker 2 (23:22):
Because yeah, that's still his kid, and if he splits,
that's still his kid. If he splits him, it's the
affair partner, he doesn't.

Speaker 3 (23:28):
Have to worry about the kid anymore, So maybe that's
less complicated.

Speaker 2 (23:31):
She was overjoyed and called our parents to let them know,
who in turn called to inform me of the good news,
which in turn led to them trying to persuade me
to forgive her and let it go. Why. I mean,
I get they want to protect their daughter, but also
you're hurting your other daughter in this, like she's not
gonna learn her lesson.

Speaker 3 (23:50):
You're being bad parents.

Speaker 2 (23:51):
I told them I would think about it and hung up.
To be honest, I was troubled because I didn't want
my actions to affect a child, so I wanted to
sleep on it.

Speaker 3 (24:00):
They aren't your actions, they are your sister's actions. She's
just getting consequences. You're literally not doing anything.

Speaker 2 (24:08):
Yeah, she did this against you. Remember she did this
against her husband. She stole your money. And just the
only reason she's upset at all of that is because
she got caught. Otherwise, she'd wait till you're out of
town again.

Speaker 3 (24:21):
Probably would have kept doing it.

Speaker 2 (24:22):
Yeah, she would have gone, waited till you're out of
town again, waited till the husband's out of town again,
done the same thing because she had your information, she
had that credit card number. So what's to stop her
at this point? Nothing except that felony slap. This morning,
I got a call from her husband Jack. I didn't
mention it in my previous post. But Jack is very

(24:42):
close to my husband and I and I would actually
consider him more of a sibling than I do. Amanda,
than you need to tell him if she doesn't. He
asked if he could meet me sometime in the morning.
I said okay, and we met up at a coffee shop.
I congratulated him on the good news, and he looked
very troubled. As it turns out, he doesn't know how

(25:03):
she got pregnant.

Speaker 4 (25:05):
Yeah, because she got pregnant from the affair partner.

Speaker 2 (25:09):
Oh, this is MESSI. He confessed that they've been having
relationship issues for some time now and haven't had spicy
sleep for almost half a year.

Speaker 3 (25:19):
I feel like.

Speaker 4 (25:19):
She's relying on everybody in her life to be idious,
like she was relying on op to not look at
her credit card and noticed that there were giant charges,
and as she's relying on her husband to not realize
that they weren't sleeping.

Speaker 3 (25:31):
Together for a year.

Speaker 2 (25:32):
I don't think Amanda's very good at math, and I
think she thinks she's a lot more slick than she
really is. She's watched one too many spy movies. He
had kept asking her to go for counseling, but she
had consistently been refusing. He told me, I know she's
your sister, and I hate to say this, but I
think she's been cheating on me. That child can't be mine.

(25:53):
I was furious at this because this meant that she
had lied to me about the trip she took. Being
the first time, I was just sick of her deception
and lies, and I realized that she really didn't care
who she hurt. I reacted impulsively, but I ended up
telling Jack everything about the card and her confession to cheating.

(26:13):
I told him she'd been contacting me trying to get
me to back off, and showed him all the texts.
Jack was completely silent when I was talking, but the
heartbreak on his face made me so much angrier at
my sister. Finally, he asked about whether she had repaid me,
and I told him about the deadline and the new developments.
He told me he would repay me, despite me telling

(26:34):
him I did not want him repaying me for horror cheating.
He wouldn't take no for an answer and wrote out
a check. I haven't cashed it I might not depending
on how things go. He asked me to file a
police report without taking any action. I said I would
look into it, but his point was if there was
a report on her, he stood a better chance of
gaining custody of the children. I called my husband up

(26:58):
and told him everything that had transpired. Bless the man,
he remained calm while I was freaking out. He first
called into work and took the day off and made
me do the same. He took me to the police station,
where I filed a report, but I told the officers
that I do not want to take any action. Next,
I called up my bank and told them that I
know where the transactions came from, which they appreciated, so

(27:20):
I think I won't have any issues from that direction.
They did say they would monitor my card activity more
closely for the next three months. Finally, we went over
to my parents' house, where I told them everything. I
mean everything. I also told them that I was incredibly
disappointed at how they reacted. That they were so quick
to defend her when they thought she was the victim,

(27:42):
but chose to remain mute when I was the victim.
There's a little bit of favoritism here. I started crying
a bit at this point, and my husband took over
and essentially told them that as long as they were
willing to back up Amanda's unforgivable behavior, we would no
longer tolerate them, and that they were no longer welcome
to our house. He also told them that they were

(28:03):
still welcome to see their grandkids, but only when we
were around. They were greatly taken aback at this, and
they really protested quite angrily. But my husband can be stubborn,
and he refused to budge God to love the spite response.
Turns out, my family thought I was a push over,
so this reaction of mine came as a huge surprise
to them.

Speaker 3 (28:23):
Of course they did. They were like, oh, don't file charges, OPI.
Don't tell her husband, OPI, And they just expected OPI
to do it.

Speaker 2 (28:31):
And then Obi was like, you know what, noow common
theme that I've noticed in like siblings. Whenever they fight,
the parents always are trying to save the other by
forcing the one something that's been hurt to just sit
in the hurt.

Speaker 3 (28:44):
Yeah, to just get over it.

Speaker 2 (28:45):
There's no accountability.

Speaker 3 (28:47):
Ever, It's like, come on, you have to apologize and
actually make amends.

Speaker 2 (28:49):
They have to realize that they have more than one kid.
In this scenario, two kids are being affected. You know
what else can be an effective way to like spend
time with your siblings, listening to full episodes just like
this one, going on Spotify, Apple Podcast, any other of
your favorite platforms and just searching. Okay, story time, there's
an update coming up. But any final thoughts, Sophia.

Speaker 3 (29:11):
My final thoughts is that honestly, you might need to
go probably no contact honestly with your sister because she
again scam do you she'd done her husband lied about it,
continued to lie to you. I think that it probably
will be able to still be in contact with, you know,
your brother in law and the kids, So that's something.

Speaker 2 (29:29):
I mean, they're the niece and nephew, so there is
still a connection there. They're incredibly closely said, but there's
also the aspect of like the shame of it all,
and like does he feel like he can show his
face around.

Speaker 3 (29:40):
I think Op and her husband will show that they're
there for him.

Speaker 2 (29:43):
I mean at least she told him, so there's still
very able to may think maybe at some point salvage
his trust in them, Like if she hadn't told it all,
I don't think he could have trusted her again Amanda
has been blowing up my cell phone inland line all day.
I read a couple of her texts, and most of
them rants and swearing at me, and how I'm going
to pay for ruining her life?

Speaker 4 (30:04):
You ruined your own life, dude, if.

Speaker 2 (30:07):
It isn't the consequences of your own actions. I'm sitting
here completely exhausted and numb. I know I've broken all
ties with my sister, and it feels like my family
has chosen to side with her.

Speaker 3 (30:18):
Why she's the favorite child, she's the golden child.

Speaker 2 (30:20):
Clearly I feel abandoned right now and guilty that I
may have made a huge mistake towards that unborn child
she's carrying. Hopefully things will all work out in the
near future.

Speaker 3 (30:30):
Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking that you made
a mistake. You told the truth to her husband, who
almost was like freaking tricked into raising his child that
wasn't his.

Speaker 2 (30:43):
Like, you're not the one who booked that hotel, You're
not the one who stole that money. You're not the
one who had the affair. You're not the one who
tried to bury it all to try to deceive this
man like this isn't on you. And I understand that
you're replaying all the scenarios in your mind, Opee, But
at what point did you do anything against your sister

(31:05):
that she did not initiate like she wronged you? And
you're not wrong for wanting her to face the music
of her own actions like she did this. She's gotta
see it through. But unfortunately that's the end of that one.

Speaker 3 (31:16):
That is the end of that story. Hopefully OPI figures
out that they didn't do anything wrong and they distanced
themselves from this very bad family.

Speaker 2 (31:25):
Here's John ere og host here. We're gonna get back
to the stories, but here's a quick three minute break
of ass from our sponsors.

Speaker 3 (31:30):
My husband passed away suddenly.

Speaker 4 (31:32):
My mother in law says, it's my faults.

Speaker 3 (31:34):
Oh my goodness. A few days ago I lost my husband.
I still cannot believe it. I'm still hoping that I'll
wake up tomorrow and realize it was all just a
bad dream. He came back from work the other day
and after being at home for half an hour or so,
he suddenly collapsed. By the way, this comes from Londa,
And if you want to smit your own story is
gonna r slash okay, storytime supparate it, So of course

(31:56):
I called the emergency number immediately and they sent an
ambulance to her house. They told me to give him
a CPR, but even though I tried, I probably didn't
do it properly because I never learned it. But also
I'm pretty sure like the statistics of people successfully doing
CPR pretty low. It's not your fault, is my point.
You know, my husband basically passed away in my arms.

(32:18):
It happened so fast, it was a matter of minutes.
Then the ambulance arrived only to confirm his passing. Then
the police came to and asked me a lot of questions.
The medics took the body away, and they told me
an autopsy would be required because there was no obvious
reason for his passing. I agreed, of course, Even if
they hadn't said it was necessary, I would have requested
it myself because I had to know why it happened.

(32:40):
In my head, nothing made sense because he was just
twenty three years old. He was young, he was healthy.
I couldn't imagine any reason that would make him just
drop passed away. After they all left, I was in
a state of shock. It felt as if I was
losing my mind. I cried, I talked to myself, talked
to God, even though I've never been religious. Then I
pulled myself together enough to call my mother in law

(33:01):
and tell her what happened. My mother in law has
never liked me from the moment we got introduced to
each other. She didn't like me. I have no idea
what I did to make her hate me. I've always
been polite to her, so I don't know what her
problem is. I know she tried to talk my husband
out of marrying me, and after we married, she had
as little contact as possible with us. When I told her,
she couldn't believe it at first, and then she started

(33:23):
to blame me. She was yelling that it's my fault
that I unlived her son, that she's going to make
me pay for it. Oh my gosh. I never thought
that she'd support or comfort me, but I also wasn't
expecting something like this. The next day, a doctor contacted
me and told me that the first results of the
autopsy revealed the cause of his passing, a pulmonary embolism,

(33:43):
a blood clot that had blocked the main pulmonary artery.
The doctor basically told me that my husband had no chance.
Oh my gosh, I could have done nothing, and even
that the ambulance had been right there with us, they
could have done nothing either. I got a copy of
the results and called mother in law again. We agreed
that she'd come to my house that evening to talk
about the funeral and everything. She arrived and she had

(34:04):
the police with her. We live in a quite small
town with only one police station, and those were the
same officers who came to my house the day had happened.
They remembered me, and mother in law started telling me
that I was an unlibry, that I had aliveter son,
that I planned it all. She really thought they would
arrest me. I showed the police the copy of the
autopsy and they tried to explain to mother in law

(34:24):
that I didn't do anything, that her son passed away
from a medical condition that no one could have caused.
She started arguing that they shouldn't believe that paper, that
anyone could fake and print such document these days. The
officers were really nice to me, told me not to worry,
and then left because obviously there hadn't been a crime.
Mother in law was furious about it and swore that
she'd put me in prison one day. I'm not worried

(34:46):
about her words because I know I'm innocent and the
authorities know it. The next thing is the funeral. My
husband and I never really talked about death because we
were young and we weren't planning to pass away anytime soon. However,
I remembered that we attended a funeral last year and
my husband said he'd like to be cremated instead of
buried when he passed away, And that's what I'm gonna do.
I'll cremate him. Mother in law wants to give him

(35:07):
a traditional burial, and she started yelling at me again
when I said he'd be cremated instead. She was like, oh,
you just want to get rid of the body so
there would be no more evidence, right, you plan this?

Speaker 4 (35:17):
This is crazy? Oh my gosh, imagine this tragedy happening,
and then there's just this like you can't even wrap
your head around what has happened, and now you're getting
blamed for this.

Speaker 3 (35:29):
Totally unacceptable to give the mother unexcusable. She is also
going through what I can imagine, you know, terrible, terrible grief.
But that doesn't mean that you have to put up
with this. So I feel like just blocking her number,
you know, saying like here, this is the date of
the funeral, this is what it's going to be happening.

Speaker 4 (35:47):
I'm glad that the police know the truth of the situation,
and then nothing is actually gonna happen to Opie because
of the accusations.

Speaker 3 (35:54):
Yeah, I think you just let her know what's going
to be happening to her son, give her those details,
and you know, don't respond to anything else, because you
don't deserve that. However, she's going through her grieving process,
should not, you know, affect you. She also said that
she's a Christian and that Christians don't cremate anyone, that
it's wrong, and that a person has to return to
the ground that God made them from. That's complete bs

(36:16):
to me. I won't give into this at all. If
he wanted to be cremated, he will be cremated, and
that's it. That's the last thing I can do for him.
If she wants to bury something so badly, she can
bury the ashes. She's also reproaching me that I allowed
them to butcher her son, meaning the autopsy. I was like,
what do you mean, Butcher, that was a necessary procedure.
You don't want to know what your son passed away from. Weird? Yeah,

(36:38):
I mean she's accusing you of having something to do
with it, and then you get proof and she's like, wow,
you shouldn't have done that. Yeah what. I don't even
have the time to mourn. I've to organize the funeral
and I've to fight with her because she's interfering with everything,
the music, the place, the coffin. She even didn't want
several people to come, and I was like, no, oh,

(37:00):
it's a funeral. Everyone who wants to say goodbye to
him is welcome, and I won't push anyone away.

Speaker 4 (37:05):
I've had this huge pressure on me. She's still accusing me.

Speaker 3 (37:08):
She believes that her son would have lived if he
had married me, that he passed away because of the
life with me. I understand that she's hurt, she's a
mother and she's lost her son, but I don't deserve
this attitude. I loved him too. I don't know how
I'll manage the funeral with her being there. And I
also just wanted to remind you, guys, cherish your loved ones,
tell them every day how much you love them, how

(37:29):
much they mean to you. Never take them for granted,
because one moment they're here and the next moment they
might be gone. We were married for two years only.
He was the love of my life, and I thought
that we were going to growl together, but unfortunately something
greater than us had other plans. And there is an update.

Speaker 4 (37:46):
So sad, this is so sad. Oh my god, I
think that you have to go to therapy one. I
really hope that you have some other support systems here,
Like if there's any possible way that you have, like
parents or friends or something that could talk to the
mother in law instead of you having to do it
that directly, right and you having to be like the
only one that's dealing with her, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (38:09):
Because this is just unacceptable behavior.

Speaker 4 (38:11):
Yeah. I wonder if there's still a father in law
in the picture. If there was, that would probably be
like the best person to go.

Speaker 3 (38:18):
To, any other family member that they have that you
can say, hey, I'm gonna send you this information over.
I don't want to talk to her though. Update. I've
finally found the time to make a small update about
what's going on in my life after I recently lost
my husband and had many problems with my mother in law.
I'd also like to thank everyone for your kind words
and advice and all the support I've received in my

(38:39):
previous post and in my private messages. I've never thought
that strangers could comfort me that much. The funeral was
really hard for me, even though it went fine, if
you can say that about a funeral. It turned out
to be bigger than I had planned because many people
loved my husband and wanted to say goodbye to him.
The funeral director was amazing, very patient and hell One

(39:00):
of the police officers who came to my house the
day my husband passed away was also there. I explained
the whole situation with my mother in law Jim, and
asked if he could watch over the funeral in case
she decided to start a scene. He was so nice that,
even though I was willing to pay him, he refused
to accept any money from me. He said it didn't
feel right to make a business out of something so tragic.
Mother in law was also there, but fortunately she didn't

(39:22):
make a scene. She didn't yell or do anything inappropriate. However,
she was glaring at me the entire time, whispering to
some other women, obviously talking badly about me. Still, she
didn't try to ruin the funeral. I guess she realized
that it was the last time she could see her son,
so she held back because she knew I'd throw her
out the moment she started anything. The cremation took about
two hours. During that time, I approached mother in law

(39:45):
to talk about what we were going to do with remains.
I wanted to reach out to her and take her
wishes into considerations since he was her son. I remember
that she wanted a burial instead of cremation, and I
understood that she might want a place where she could come,
put flowers or just sit and remember him. So I
asked her what she'd liked to do with the ashes,
and offered to bury them if she wanted. What she
said next made me realize that I never ever wanted

(40:08):
to speak to her again. She turned to me and said,
shove them up your butt. Oh wow, how can you
just be such a despicable person after your son passes away?

Speaker 4 (40:18):
Like, come on, even if you're just trying to like insult,
like Opie is still your son that you're suggesting?

Speaker 3 (40:24):
What's your son's ashes? Oh? My goodness, then she continued,
saying that she would make my life a living heck,
that I'd never be able to sleep peacefully again, and
that she would make sure I got the punishment I
deserve for unliving her son. She is just illusional. She
asked how I even dared to speak to her. I
was like, if I really got alive my husband, don't
you think i'd be arrested already. The police told her

(40:46):
I was innocent, The doctors told her I was innocent.
The autopsy report said I was innocent. If she doesn't
believe professionals, then I don't know what to tell her.
I have no idea what I've done to her, Because
you don't hate someone out of thin air. You need
a reason. All I ever did was love. I mean, yes,
you need a reason, But sometimes with crazy people, they
don't really need a reasonable reason.

Speaker 4 (41:07):
Yeah, they're gonna come up with problems and create their
own reasons.

Speaker 3 (41:11):
And especially with someone who's in.

Speaker 4 (41:13):
Crazy denial of this happening or whatever you would call this,
I guess I don't know what stage of grief this
would fall into. Especially when someone's in this state of mind,
it's like there's not any reason coming into play.

Speaker 3 (41:25):
Here at all, since she refused to do anything with
the ashes, I have them with me now. I don't
know what I'll do with them yet. I like the
ideas from my previous post about jewelry or planting a tree,
but I haven't decided. Now that everything is over, it
seems she has decided to turn the whole town against me.
When I return home today, my next door neighbor, a
very nice, elderly lady, approached me. She told me that

(41:47):
people were saying horrible things about me. Like I said before,
I lived in a small town where everyone knows everything
about everyone. I hated here, and my husband hated it too.
We were saving money to move to a big city
where no one would know Usen was twenty three. I'm
twenty five, and I'm already attracting attention as the youngest
widow they've seen in a long time. In small towns,

(42:07):
rumors spread like wildfire. My neighbor told me that people
were saying I unlive my husband, that I bribed the
police and that's why I wasn't arrested. People don't know
how bribes work. This is crazy. Sorry, you can't just
bribe the police form unaliving. They claimed. Mother in law
came to my house and found medicine that causes blood
to clot abnormally, which is how my husband supposedly got

(42:30):
his embolism. They say it was green maated, just to
get rid of all the evidence. They even claimed I
had been hitting him all the time, just complete lies.
I think most people don't believe it, but there are
definitely some who do. Of course, such rumors don't start
by themselves. Someone has to spread them, and I can
only imagine one person who would want to do this
mother in law. I can't prove anything, but she did

(42:51):
say she'd make my life miserable, and that's exactly what
she's doing. I'm planning to move anyway. I don't want
to live in this house anymore because everything here reminds
me of the day my husband passed away, and it's
really hard for me. But it's still disgusting that she's
making people think I'm not aliver. And then there's some news,
this time something more pleasant. Okay. Once the funeral was over,

(43:11):
I tried to return to my everyday life. I realized
my period was late. At first, I thought it was
because of all the stress I had been through over
the past weeks. But it turns out that I'm pregnant.
I'm having mixed feelings about this. Yeah, oh my goodness.
I'm happy because now it doesn't feel like my husband
is completely gone. I'm going to have a part of him.
I know he would have been happy too. He passed

(43:32):
away without even knowing we were going to have a child.
But this is my first pregnancy, and I'm really scared.
I don't know what to expect. I'm worried I won't
be a good mother, that I won't make it through birth,
that I won't know how to take care of a baby.
I've never even held one before. I also didn't know
I was pregnant, so I drank a few glasses of
wine at the meal after the funeral. Now I'm terrified
that I might have seriously hurt the baby. You have,

(43:53):
Not drinking a couple glasses of wine is not going
to hurt your baby, don't worry. It's more about drinking
a lot of wine while you're pregnant. And now the
question is do I tell mother in law about the baby?
Should I tell her that I'm expecting her grandchild?

Speaker 4 (44:08):
Honestly, no, yeah, at this point, especially not this early.

Speaker 3 (44:13):
Yeah, I am incredibly worried that she's going to try
and do the grandparents' rights thing. Leave the town. The
thing is that you don't want to have any contact
with her anyway, So like, what would telling her about
the child do other than her trying to take custody.

Speaker 4 (44:27):
Maybe when you're like much further along in the pregnancy
or something just kind of like telling like the whole
family on his side or something like that. I don't know,
I mean, especially about this early, because you wouldn't want
to do it this early anyway. But oh my goodness, Yeah,
she's definitely gonna try something crazy.

Speaker 3 (44:42):
Yeah, you wouldn't want to wait until you've got like
a solid job, place to live, so she can't say anything.
I cannot hate for a long time. I'm just not
that kind of person. I don't expect it to make
our relationship any better. But if I move away to
live somewhere else, she'll never know that she has a grandchild.
But it's the child of her son. She's the grandmother,
and maybe she should have the rights to know about
the existence of her grandchild. Whether or not she wants

(45:05):
to be in their life would be her choice, and
wouldn't it be unfair to the child to prohibit them
from knowing her? I have no parents anymore, so she's
their only living grandparent. By the way, you can listen
to full episodes of stories just like this. Just go
to Spotify, Apple Podcast, or iHeartRadio and search a Pokey
story Time. But there is a little bit left of
the story. I mean, maybe later she deserves to know.

(45:26):
But you got to be so so careful because I
think if she found out now, she would absolutely try
and get grandparents' rights and take your baby away. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (45:35):
I think it's definitely important to find some sort of
like support group or something people that can help you,
especially if you don't have any parents anymore, if you
don't have like much family at all, maybe like find
people that can be there for you and support you
and be in this journey with you, and then establish
that and then maybe tell her. Hopefully you have enough

(45:56):
money to also move away to do that. But you know,
babies are so who knows, but wow, oh my goodness.

Speaker 3 (46:03):
But again, like she's been really really awful too. I
think realizing that her finding out will not improve your relationship.

Speaker 4 (46:10):
Yeah, because I mean think about it, like, if you
guys already decided to cut no contact, like before he
passed away or anything like that, then she wouldn't need
to know about the baby that way, So I think
it could work the same way.

Speaker 3 (46:22):
She didn't want to be a part of your life
when your partner was alive. So from the other side,
she's been treating me so horribly and she's been so
mean to me that I honestly don't want anything to
do with her. Also, I'm worried that she might tell
the child the same thing she's been telling the whole
town that I unlived their dad. I don't want her
to put those lies in their head. My friend said
that with this attitude, she doesn't deserve a grandchild. What

(46:44):
would you say? And there are some comments coming. One
says she deserves nothing. What a horrible, cruel person. I'm
so sorry for your loss and that you can't grieve
properly due to her antics. She doesn't deserve to know
her grandchild, and I hope your child brings you comfort
in these trying times. I know I lost my fiance
when I was twenty one in a motorcycle accident, and
subsequently the child I was caring two months later, take

(47:07):
care of yourself now, that is what's most important. Bless you.
Please post when you can and let us know how
you are. I'll be thinking of you. And that is
the end of the story.

Speaker 4 (47:15):
Oh my goodness, so many tragedies.

Speaker 3 (47:17):
But at the end of the day, prioritize you and
your baby's health. Anything that would bring you stress, do
not do.

Speaker 4 (47:22):
That will cause complications. But oh my goodness, what a
crazy story.

Speaker 1 (47:29):
Hey, it's sam' your og host here. Bring it back
to the stories. But here's three minutes bads from our sponsor.

Speaker 4 (47:34):
My mother in law won't stop showing up at my home.
I refuse to let her in.

Speaker 3 (47:38):
You shall not pass.

Speaker 4 (47:41):
Hi there, longtime lurker, first time poster, Just wanting to
vent about what happened yesterday and open to advice on
how to handle things going forward. I see the advice
all the time of just don't answer the door if
they show up. So that's what I did yesterday. By
the way, this comes from whoe one WHOA And if
you want to submit your own story, just go to
the our slash Okay storytime sepreddit. So for brief background,

(48:04):
it's been a long and hard road with mother in
law She was always distant but domineering when I would
have to see her, but became unhinged and controlling once
I became pregnant, which often seems to be the case.
As a result of her behavior, I will absolutely not
be alone with her now and will not host her
for visits unless my partner is there. I also have
pushed back on her contacting me via phone by referring

(48:28):
her back to my partner. She believes that she is
entitled to weekly visits with grandchild, even though prior to
this she did not have that type of relationship with
her son. They would only see each other for birthday
dinners and other obligatoria holidays. So yesterday I was at
home with my baby. My partner was out for the day,
and he messaged me, Mom wants to come over. I
text back, advising him just to say that doesn't work

(48:51):
for us. I asked what time she was aiming for
so I could be alert just in case. He told
me he had said no, and that was that or
would have been with a norm About forty five minutes
before when she wanted to visit, I noticed out the
window what I was pretty sure was her car parked
too far away from me to be sure, but on
an angle looking over into our window. She's just like

(49:13):
prime spot for a spying.

Speaker 3 (49:15):
She's got binoculars and she's like, I'll be there soon.
Oh my goodness.

Speaker 4 (49:20):
Hard to describe, but it was just up a connecting
side street, if that makes sense. I thought, surely not,
but lowered the blinds just in case.

Speaker 3 (49:28):
I went about my business.

Speaker 4 (49:30):
It was nap time, so I got the baby down
for that not easy for us at the moment, and
then went back out to our living area. I spied
out the window and could see the car was still there.
I felt creeped out and lowered the blinds a bit more.
I sat on the couch and got onto some admin
I needed to. About fifteen minutes after, when she wanted
to come over, there was a loud knock at the door.

(49:51):
I froze and ignored it. There was a knock again, louder.
I ignored it and ducked down completely. The blinds were
open about an inch now, so I hid out of
the view of that and stayed down. After the knocking,
I could see the shadow of someone walking along the
window up and back, I assume trying to see in
I knew it was her, and I was certain that

(50:11):
she was trying to wake up the baby with her knocking,
thinking that that was her ticket in. Miraculously, the baby
stayed asleep, faver nice. I texted my partner what is
happening and waited until it sounded like she had left,
and then Commando crawled to another window for a better view.
I watched her move her car, driving past the front
of my house to park on the other side, still

(50:32):
on my street, but where I think she would have
thought she was out of view. It was so creepy.
I called my partner and asked what he said to
his mom. He said that he told her not today.
I said, well, she's definitely here anyway. He said that
he said that he wasn't there, and that he didn't
know what myself and my baby were up to, so

(50:53):
we might be out or doing nap time or whatever,
but that it wasn't a good day. You'll note this
is way more detail than he should have shared. She
has then started texting him, asking what is going on
and complaining that she was knocking and no one answered.
My partner says that he repeated that it wasn't a
good day to visit. She apparently got angry and so
that she was too upset and distraught by this to

(51:14):
even discuss it, and that they would be talking about
it when he got back. She's gonna wait at their
house until he gets back.

Speaker 3 (51:20):
She's like, fine, I've been here for ages, and he's
like I'm not there, and she's like, okay, I'll just
be in my car. I'll wait.

Speaker 4 (51:26):
A one small win. My partner said that he could
see that this was manipulative. I felt violated and outraged.
She was upset by what she was told. No tried
to barge in anyway and didn't get in. She would
have known I was home because I suspect that she
was surveilling us before I realized, which is just so unsettling.

Speaker 3 (51:46):
What is she a PI? What's going on here? Just
also to clarify, so she was.

Speaker 4 (51:51):
Supposed to come over Originally she asked if she could
come over. Originally they said no, but she's probably said like,
I'll be over at this time, yeah, and then the
husband was just like no, it's not a good day,
like they'll be working home and then just like naptime
and stuff like that, and she's like okay. So that
tells me that they're gonna be home and they can
hear me and they will accept me anyway. Maybe she

(52:12):
was assuming that there wasn't any communication between Opie and
the husband.

Speaker 3 (52:16):
Yeah, maybe she's like partners don't talk.

Speaker 4 (52:18):
He said no, but she'll be fine with it. She'll
have to be.

Speaker 3 (52:21):
It's like mom said no, but austad. I wish I
could say this ended here.

Speaker 4 (52:26):
Two and a half hours later, I was on a
FaceTime call and finally felt okay putting the blinds up again.
I am mid conversation and who should drive past again?
But mother in law with the biggest crap eating grin.
My heart rate instantly jumped, and I felt panicked. I
had to get out of there.

Speaker 3 (52:44):
Freaking Freddy Kruger right now. It's terrifying.

Speaker 4 (52:47):
I packed her stuff up and we left. There is
so much wrong with this. The manipulation to say to
her son how upset she is, yet drive back past
again practically cackling is unhi hinged. The prolonged stalking of
me in my own home is unhinged. The refusal to
accept a no unhinged.

Speaker 3 (53:08):
A lot of unhinged. Yeah, she's very unhinged.

Speaker 4 (53:11):
Get those doors checked anyway, I now feel shaken and
paranoid and kept my blinds down today. I'm not looking
forward to seeing her more than usual. My partner I said, well,
we need to tell her what she's doing wrong, because.

Speaker 3 (53:24):
She doesn't know.

Speaker 4 (53:25):
She does know, though she is very conniving and adapts
her behavior to the audience, so clearly on some level
she knows something is wrong. I've also found any time
I have to address anything, it gets nowhere. Thanks to
the sub I've now learned not to engage in just
a by argue, defend, or explaining behaviors with her. I
guess any advice on what to say to her that

(53:45):
is firm and doesn't let her play the victim and
this would be helpful. Obviously, my partner has not been
ideal in this. We've had to come a long way
from him saying that's just how mom is to acknowledging
this behavior is unreasonable. Also, advice on how to make
it clear to someone who doesn't listen that we will
not be seeing her as much as she wants to
see us. I cannot stomach weekly visits with this woman.

(54:07):
Monthly or obligatory occasions is the best I can do,
and given everything that's happened. That is more generous than.

Speaker 3 (54:13):
I'd like to be.

Speaker 4 (54:14):
Sorry for such a ramble. Thank you for reading, and
also thank you to this sub It's been a real
lifeline in difficult times and a great source of advice.
But there is an update. So how would you handle
with a woman like this mother line?

Speaker 3 (54:27):
Move countries? You gotta leave the country truly and change
your name. I don't know. I feel like the husband
needs to handle all this, you know, like, what are
you supposed to do? You're trying to take care of
a baby and this mother in law is freaking you out.
Beyond getting a restraining order, I feel like the husband
needs to set down the law of the land absolutely honestly,
Like you put up security cameras, that's a good thing

(54:47):
to do. Put up security cameras, you have proof, and
then see her parked car just like full time job
stocking you guys, and then be like, if you keep
doing this, dude, I'm gonna call the police. You gotta
really get the law involved.

Speaker 4 (55:00):
There is an update, so let's see what they ended
up doing. I am very emotional writing this, so apologies
in advance for my rambling. It's been a long and
very hard road with this mother in law. Firstly, thank
you to everyone who replied. I read every response and
appreciated them all deeply.

Speaker 3 (55:15):
As that was my first read a post.

Speaker 4 (55:17):
I didn't realize it would be locked so soon and
I wouldn't be able to reply to anyone, so apologies
for that. I took some time to digest it all.
My update isn't great. My partner got back from work
and was distant and not very communicative. I thought, okay,
it's tired. I'll give them some time to rest before
we discuss. Days of this awful silence rolled by twice

(55:39):
in this time, I said, is there anything you want
to discuss with me? To no avail. If the shoe
was on the other foot and my parents had behaved
this way to him, I would not need to be
asked to deal with it. I would be calling my
parents and saying what the bleep was that immediately. I
am Australian by way of explanation. Anyway, I have felt
lonely and ice living alongside someone barely talking to me

(56:02):
and checked out from helping me with anything until today.
Today I was working from home and he had the
day off. When I had a lunch break and baby
was in daycare. I gave him another opportunity to address things.
He said that he had spoken to his dad this
morning about the situation, and his dad was surprised to
hear that there was any issue with his mom. He
was shocked at how these perceptions of her behavior. I

(56:24):
did not witness the phone call, but would not be
surprised if my partner threw me under the bus for
all of it.

Speaker 3 (56:29):
He asked if his dad.

Speaker 4 (56:30):
Would mediate and speak to his mom about the problematic behavior,
but he refused and said no, my partner would need
to That his dad was in complete denial about her
is shocking but not surprising. I've had many suggestive comments
from his family suggesting that there is an awareness that
mother in law can be bossy and controlling. Exact examples
being a sister of hers describing her as a very

(56:53):
a type personality and likes things a certain way. This
was the first time I met her. Another example from
a different sister being well, well do you know how
she is? In response to my partner to talking about
some overbearing behavior during my pregnancy. From my partner and
his siblings, I've heard that they regularly witness their mother
yelling and screaming at their dad growing up, that corporal

(57:13):
punishment was used, that silent treatment was regularly used if
they questioned anything, and that she can never admit that
she is wrong. Wow, So I guess that my partner's
dad is a victim of all of this too, a
frog in boiling water, so to speak. It is not
surprising that he escapes to play golf so much now
that he is retired. But still, this was.

Speaker 3 (57:33):
Very disappointing to hear. Oh my goodness.

Speaker 4 (57:36):
So literally everyone is like experiencing this manipulative and you know,
possibly abusive woman, and they're just kind of like, well,
that's mom.

Speaker 3 (57:46):
That's just mom for you. You know what mom is.
She's just terrible. No one likes her.

Speaker 4 (57:50):
Like, if that's just how mom is, we should know
that this is easy to believe that she's doing this stuff. Anyway,
to move to more disappointment, my partner then shifted blame
over to me. No, he said that I am the
one with the problem with her and that he doesn't
want to assassinate her character.

Speaker 3 (58:08):
This is the problem, This was always the problem. The
problem is that you are experiencing a lot of weird
behavior and a lot of boundary crossing behavior from your
mother in law. And honestly, it probably would be fine
if your partner's on your side, but your partner has
not been on your side.

Speaker 4 (58:24):
Yeah, I mean the partner is obviously like also a
victim to this manipulation and everything, but it's like that
still doesn't mean that you have to succumb to that
and like also be a victim, like you can stand
up for yourself.

Speaker 3 (58:36):
Still, Oh my goodness.

Speaker 4 (58:38):
Therefore I am the one who needs to have a
talk to her about all of this. I think that
the fact that two men who have been around her
for a long time are afraid to have a conversation.

Speaker 3 (58:46):
With her speaks volumes.

Speaker 4 (58:48):
Apparently, his dad said that they assumed we had broken up,
and that's why my partner has no control of when
they can visit, what like, saying like, oh, we just
assumed that you guys had broken up, because otherwise your
husband would be able to allow let us come and
visit the baby. Yeah, which is a wild thing to
come out with if you ask me, though of course

(59:08):
not the most wild. When I was pregnant and began
to avoid mother in law's controlling when she would talk
to me about having a miscarriage, which is beyond shocking,
and I believe some subliminal desire or threat she was expressing.
I wish this wasn't the case, but it was. I
didn't even know how to respond at the time. I
was so caught up guard. Oh my goodness, that is

(59:31):
beyond wild. Oh my gosh. My partner accused me again
of wanting him to cut his family off, which is
not the case. Given the circumstances, I think maintaining their
traditional family contact of around birthdays occasions only is more
than fair. I have also encouraged him to go and
visit them without me if that was normal for him,
but he won't do it, not even phone calls. He

(59:52):
justifies this saying that they don't have the same interest
and that they don't want to see him, only our baby.
We're getting so many mixed signals from this husband. I
know he's like, I don't know. Yeah, it's like, is
this some sort of like subconscious thing that like he
just doesn't want to see these people but doesn't really
know or recognize that feeling.

Speaker 3 (01:00:11):
Yeah, he's like, I don't like my parents, but no,
I love them.

Speaker 4 (01:00:14):
It's just because, like they don't want to see me,
they just want to see baby. There's something wrong with them.
I just don't want to be around them. He's not
fully computing a boy. Everyone needs therapy, yeah, big time.
But if the fact that he won't spend time with
them alone isn't a red flag, I don't know what
is I should mention if this isn't unique to him.
His siblings also have to be bullied into contact with

(01:00:35):
mother in law. It regularly comes up that they couldn't
meet with her because of stomach aches. Again, I am
talking about adults in their thirties here, the tummy aches
or avoidance to have three children and all avoid you
with the exception of obligation. Oh, he says again, red flag.
It absolutely is a red flag. Anyway, Suffice to say

(01:00:56):
that I'm extremely distressed. I had trouble breathing early, like
a panic attack, and that it's not usual for me.
It is just shocking to me that my partner is
making out like I am the problem. When I feel
like a victim in this, I feel uncomfortable in my
own home.

Speaker 3 (01:01:11):
Now.

Speaker 4 (01:01:12):
I've reminded him that I am on his team and
that I want to find a solution. I understand that
it is not a good situation, but it seems to
be for nothing and it gets worse.

Speaker 3 (01:01:22):
No, stop getting worse. Please. His parents were him to
come over and visit today again. If the husband is
using the word and it's not seeing a problem, yeah,
he's like my parents keeping me and hope. He's like, okay, well,
let's set up bounderies. Like no, I love them, They're great.

Speaker 4 (01:01:39):
Yeah, it's like, make it make sense. I thought they
were coming from their home an hour away. After a
lot of back and forth, I said to my partner,
if it would make his life easier, maybe we could
meet briefly in a neutral location. But I wanted the
stocking incident addressed directly. He said that he had already.

Speaker 3 (01:01:55):
Told them to go home. Interesting.

Speaker 4 (01:01:57):
Unbeknown to me, they were waiting at a cafe just
around the corner from us, about one hundred and fifty
meters away, close, and they were pushing to come over.
Of course, they had an excuse for being in the area,
but I don't buy it. This is as very triggering.
After feeling like I was being hunted in my own
home by them just the other day, to provide more detail.

(01:02:19):
I have recently started back at work and anticipated my
mother in law would try and take over once I returned,
also that she would try and steamroll my partner. I
negotiated to work from home with my work, and she
attempted to direct me to attend the office full time. Yes,
she did, of course, when my partner was not. Because
of this, I organized for the baby to be in
take care. I'm glad I trusted my intuition on that

(01:02:42):
because I think this is what happened today. She thought
I would be away and she could force her way
in to ignore my boundary. She has always been desperate
to have my baby alone.

Speaker 3 (01:02:52):
Which is very concerning for me.

Speaker 4 (01:02:54):
Me too, if a person's crazy like this and they
want to be alone with your child, yeah, I would
be like, no, you're never gonna be alone with my baby.

Speaker 3 (01:03:01):
Sorry, weird.

Speaker 4 (01:03:02):
My partner's response to this has been more distressing than
I imagined. I guess based on conversations we had pre baby.
I thought we were on the same page when creating
this family unit, but that is not the case. A
hard reality to confront. I'm not someone who has high
conflict relationships or is unreliable so to not be believed
when I'm saying to him, hey, there is a big

(01:03:23):
issue here is very hard. I've only skimmed the surface
with these posts, but there is an extensive list of
behavior and boundary stomping from her that has gotten us
to this point. Thank you if you've read my ven
this far. And I guess if things are coming to
a crunch, I'm the one left standing to have a
conversation with my mother in law. So what do I say?
How do I approach this? I have kept her blogged

(01:03:45):
on my phone since the stalking incident. And by the way,
how you can approach listening to full episodes with my
stories like these is just going to your favorite podcast app.
Just go to iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, whatever you choose
in such okay, story time and there is a little
bit more. But what would our answers be so far
at the end of the day, like your motherland's crazy,

(01:04:08):
But you don't have a mother in law problem so
much as you have a husband problem. And you guys
need to get on the same page and either go
to like therapy have a conversation, because if you.

Speaker 3 (01:04:18):
Can't get on the same page, if he can't be
like rooting for you, standing up for you, then it's
not an effective partnership.

Speaker 4 (01:04:26):
Yeah, because if like at first he was still using
the excuses of like uh stashius, and then you've done
a lot of work to get him to the point
of recognizing the manipulation. I wonder how long it took
to get from point A to point view with that,
because then also too, like it obviously seems like you know,
maybe he recognizes it but doesn't quite know what to

(01:04:47):
do when he's in that situation and kind of is
used to the dynamic that he's had his whole life
of like just dealing with it and just going along
with it, you know.

Speaker 3 (01:04:56):
So he's definitely has an issue and.

Speaker 4 (01:04:59):
Needs to learn how to stand up and work around
this manipulation. So I don't know what you would say
to her, but maybe just what's on your thoughts and
just like trying to level with them. But there's a
tiny bit more to note. I am aware my partner
has failed catastrophically to protect my baby and I in
this I love when they listen to us instead, we

(01:05:19):
are being offered as his meat shields to someone even
he doesn't want to spend time with. It is devastating
to beg for understanding from him and be met with
I don't know why you're so emotional about this. I've
had this woman playing her at COVID games and with
me since pregnancy. I feel like with people like this,
like people who are just so like manipulative, for any

(01:05:40):
sort of argument, they have a clad back even if
it doesn't make sense, They've got something to say. So
I feel like, I mean, depending on the person, it
probably won't help in a lot of cases.

Speaker 3 (01:05:47):
But like if with some people, if you just like.

Speaker 4 (01:05:50):
Calmly talk to them and try your best, even though
it doesn't make sense, to just like try to see
their thought process, not trying to believe them or anything
like that, but just to hopefully explain it in a
way where they can maybe see how crazy it is
and just explain themselves back to them.

Speaker 3 (01:06:08):
That sometimes helps.

Speaker 4 (01:06:09):
But if you come out swinging, it's never gonna end,
So you gotta start calm at least.

Speaker 3 (01:06:14):
Yeah, my advice is just kind of try and get
through to your husband. But that is the end of
that story.

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