My sister tried to wear MY wedding dress to our cousin’s wedding… she got uninvited! - r/charlottedobreyoutube | Reddit Stories - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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Speaker 2 (00:05):
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Speaker 1 (00:07):
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Speaker 3 (00:17):
My sister tried to wear my wedding dress to our
cousin's wedding. She got uninvited.

Speaker 4 (00:22):
This is like wedding dress seption, the layers, the layers.

Speaker 3 (00:27):
I twenty seven female and got married last year. It
was a small, intimate ceremony with just close friends and family.
My wedding dress wasn't designer or extravagant, but I designed
it myself with the help of a local steamstress.

Speaker 2 (00:37):
Oo.

Speaker 3 (00:39):
It had a deep personal meeting hand embroidered blue flowers
that symbolized my late grandmother who basically raised me. Wow,
it wasn't about the price tag. It was about the thought,
the symbolism, and the love sewn into every detail. It
meant a lot. By the way, this comes from a
Dear Television twenty eight to forty four And if you
want to submit your own stories, go to the r
slash Okay storytime Supreddit. Oh, now here comes the problem.

(01:02):
My younger sister will call her Alissa twenty four female.
We've always had a weird, exhausting relationship. Alissa has made
a hobby out of copying me, not just a little
sister phase, like full time impersonation, clothes, haircuts, favorite bands, hobbies,
even my handwriting. At one point growing up, my mom
thought it was adorable. She just wants to be like

(01:24):
her big sister. Except it wasn't flattering. It was invasive
and relentless. I couldn't have a single thing for myself
without it eventually being duplicated and passed off as her
own style. To make it worse, Alissa somehow always got
praised for it. My mom would coop about how creative
she was when she copied my art projects or wore
my outfits a week later, and when I'd call it out,

(01:46):
I was too sensitive, Even when Alissa flirted with my
actual boyfriends while I was still with them, and my
mom said, you're overreacting, it's not that serious. Boiler alert.
Our dad cheated on our mom for years, and she
still stayed with him. So oh yeah, the bar for
respect is subterranean in this family. And just to top
it off, yes, she even tried it with my husband,

(02:08):
the man i'm married, before we were engaged, when we'd
been dating for a few months, Alyssa started joking with
him a lot, overly flirty, touching his arm constantly saying
things like you weren't taken, or you better treat her ridle,
I'll have to swoop in, always just barely towing the
line so she could claim it was harmless, that was weird.

Speaker 2 (02:28):
Or I'll swoop in that.

Speaker 3 (02:30):
Honestly, that sounds like she would swoop in and start
dating her sister.

Speaker 2 (02:34):
Like yeah, I don't know, it's just strained.

Speaker 4 (02:37):
Or I will like very hideous laugh, like a you
got this, like a little witchy laugh.

Speaker 3 (02:45):
Yeah, yeah, that's weird. It's weird. Weird dude.

Speaker 5 (02:51):
Uh.

Speaker 3 (02:51):
He told me about it, and honestly, that should have
been the moment I cut her off completely, but my
mom convinced me to let it go again. She's just
teasing and playful. No, she's always been disrespectful and enabled.
Fast forward to this month, our cousin Rachel is getting
married and we're both bridesmaids. Everyone's excited. It's going to
be a fun weekend. About a week before the rehearsal dinner,

(03:12):
Alissa sends me a selfie of the dress she's planning
to wear to the dinner, all smiley and proud of herself.
I open it and for a second, kid, I'm confused.
Then my stomach drops. It's my wedding dress. I don't
mean similar vibes or a similar color. I mean it's
my exact design, same neckline, I sketched by hand, the

(03:33):
same embroidered blue flowers in the same pattern, placement, the
same silhouette, hemline, fabric choice. I literally worked with the
SAME's dress for months, making sure the flowers were placed
around the waist just right. And there was on her
She had found someone on Instagram and had it copied,
like it was a Pinterest dress or something, And all

(03:54):
she said was, isn't this so cute?

Speaker 6 (03:58):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (03:59):
I been, it is cute because I'm the one that
designed it. I called her, asked her homely. At first,
what on earth was she thinking? Her answer, you're married,
you wore it. Let someone else enjoy it. It's not
that deep, Not that deep. She basically ripped off the
most meaningful piece of clothing I've ever owned, and she
wants me to be what flattered.

Speaker 4 (04:21):
Yeah, it'd be different if it was like a T
shirt from Target. Yeah, it's like this was like a
custom made, like worked on it for months type job.

Speaker 3 (04:31):
Yeah. Absolutely, Yeah, she designed. And also it's like, if
they're gonna be bride'smaids, does a bride not have like
an idea of what they should be wearing? Like, this
is not the thing that you get your owns, just
separate custom made dress. Yeah, not even like that. So
I told her flat out, if she wore that dress,

(04:52):
I'd tell Rachel and the whole family exactly where she
got it, and I'd show up to the rehearsal dinner
in a full length white gown with a train and veiled,
just to be extra petty. She laughed. She actually laughed
and told me I was being childish. Okay, game on,
I like where this is going and let go.

Speaker 6 (05:12):
Let's go.

Speaker 3 (05:14):
So I messaged Rachel privately. I showed her the screenshots
and explained everything. Made it clear that I wasn't trying
to stir up drama, but I felt disrespected and blindsided.
Rachel blessed her was livid on my behalf. She said
Alyssa had no business pulling something like that right before
someone else's wedding and told me that she'd handle it.

(05:36):
A day later, Alyssa was officially uninvited from the rehearsal
dinner and the pre wedding event. Queue the meltdown.

Speaker 4 (05:44):
No could this be a consequence of your actions?

Speaker 3 (05:49):
Is so so insane, so insane. My mom called me furious.
How can you do that to your sister? It's just
a dress. She accused me of being vindictive, said I
embarrassed the family and that I'm still holding onto my
childhood jealousy. Mind you, this is the same woman who
let Alyssa walk all over me for decades and called

(06:11):
it sisterly love. But here's the punter. Alissa showed up anyway.
She wasn't invited, Rachel made that clear, but she thought
that she could just show up and play the victim,
act surprised and say that there was a miscommunication. She
showed up to the rehearsal dinner wearing the knockoff version
of my dress. No shame, still smug, Rachel didn't even blink.

(06:34):
She pulled her aside and told her to leave. Security
wasn't needed, but Rachel made it very clear that she
wasn't welcome. Alissa stormed out and posted some passive aggressive
nonsense on Instagram about jealous women and sisters who can't
handle a little shine a stupid.

Speaker 4 (06:50):
I don't know what this is, but your sister needs
to I don't know. I don't know if she needs
therapy or like like a three week long retreat in
a cave. Yeah, she like one of those darkness retreats
or whatever where you just said, like you can't see
anything for like a month. Well, and then you come
out of the cave and you're like, oh my god,
I understand everything now.

Speaker 3 (07:08):
Yeah, she needs to go just go backpacking across Europe
and then just find herself. Yeah, because she doesn't have
any sort of self identity and thinks it's everyone else's problem.

Speaker 2 (07:19):
Literally anything but what you're doing right now.

Speaker 3 (07:21):
Yeah, please literally, like please come on, come on. I
finally snapped and told my mom the truth. I'm tired
of having to make myself small just to keep the peace.
I let Alissa copy me for years because I was
told to be the bigger person, but copying my wedding dress,
the one I designed in honor of my grandmother was

(07:43):
my line and she boldozed right over it. For the record,
the dress wasn't just a dress. It was one of
the only things that felt like mine in a family
that's constantly blurred the lines between sharing and stealing. I
put love, grief, and meaning into the dress. It all
honored someone who made me feel seen when no one
else in our family did. And instead of respecting that,

(08:04):
Alyssa treated it like an aesthetics she could lift for
an Instagram photo. So yeah, I put my foot down
for once, and now my family's acting like I'm the
a hole and that I burned the house down because
I finally lit a match. So am I the a
hole for getting her uninvited? It? There is an updates,
But what do you think, Dakota.

Speaker 2 (08:25):
She got herself uninvited?

Speaker 6 (08:27):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (08:27):
You mean if she would.

Speaker 4 (08:28):
Have rolled up without any warning win that white dress
to the rehearsal dinner, she also would have been immediately
loaked out, regardless of if any prior conversation had happened.

Speaker 3 (08:37):
Absolutely absolutely, And it's like, would anyone else not recognize
the dress that you wore for the wedding. I mean,
if they don't care about you clearly, like maybe they wouldn't,
but like, yeah, you literally.

Speaker 2 (08:49):
Probably assume that you gave her your dress.

Speaker 3 (08:52):
Yeah, like you just forwarded the message of something that
she sent you. And then now she's like, oh my god,
I can't believe you would tell people that, like huh, Like, guys,
there's a car crash out there and everyone comes back
and you like, that's your fault.

Speaker 2 (09:05):
Yeah, you cause the car crash. Yeah you did that.
Maybe see what I just I.

Speaker 3 (09:10):
Just called the ambulance because you were in the car.
I didn't I didn't do anything.

Speaker 4 (09:16):
Embossing, say, oh yeah, let's go on, let's good one.

Speaker 2 (09:21):
All right? Where am I? All righty? Whoa the diary?

Speaker 3 (09:26):
Oh?

Speaker 6 (09:27):
I gotta watch Avatar last year? Better now?

Speaker 3 (09:29):
Yeah that I might need to go back to that one.
But yeah, no, this is absolutely crazy. You're definitely not
the a hole. And honestly, if this is your first
time putting your foot down, this is what it looks
like you. People aren't gonna be happy about it, especially
when you haven't been doing it your whole life. It's
upsetting that they're so upset about this and they can't
understand why you are mad and like standing up to them.

(09:52):
But this is something that you're gonna have to be
more comfortable with if you want to learn how to
confront people more.

Speaker 4 (09:57):
Yeah, you know, yeah, I just so Oh man, sorry girl,
I can't imagine being because she's still she got uninvited.
She showed up anyway, and I bet you she was
thinking once they see how good I look.

Speaker 3 (10:08):
Yeah, they'll be like, oh my god, you have to stay. Yeah, like,
oh yeah, they're just being so silly, like just being
so silly. It doesn't even matter.

Speaker 2 (10:16):
Girls can't handle a little shy.

Speaker 3 (10:17):
Yeah, I'll just go. I'll walk in there and then
it'll be like I'm the main character. I'll be like,
oh my god, I can't believe I'm so this is
so unjust. They just hate how good I look. Pretty
girls always get the worst. But there is an update.
So I'll start by clearing up a few things that

(10:38):
people asked about in my original post. My mom and
my grandma had a good relationship, like genuinely they were
close and there wasn't any drama between them. My dad,
he's not really involved in this at the moment. He's
been away for work and hasn't said much either way.
I think it's just trying to stay out of the
line of fire until he's back. My hobby is on
my side, but chooses not to get involved. As for

(10:59):
my grandma, she's but yeah. She did favor me in
some ways, not in a braggy or obvious way. In public,
she always treated me and Alissa equally. If you didn't
know her well, you'd never guess. But behind closed doors
it was different. She saw the way Alissa acted, the lying,
the drama, the way she always twisted things to make
herself look like the victim. My grandma wasn't blind to it.

(11:20):
She never called her out directly, probably to avoid stirring
things up with my mom, but I could always tell
where she stood. She saw me, she knew what I
was dealing with, and even if she never said it
in front of anyone, I knew I had her support.
After Alisa showed up to the rehearsal dinner wearing a
cheap knockoff of my actual wedding dress, I figured she'd
feel dumb enough to back off. I was wrong. No.

(11:43):
The next morning, Rachel, my cousin and the bride, called
me sounding just done. Turns out, Alissa had sent her
a massive text guilt tripping her and claiming the dress
thing was just a funny misunderstanding, and she said, I
was blowing it way out of portion.

Speaker 2 (12:00):
She's trying to be like, no, it's just it's blue
and black. Literally, it's not you must I'm telling you, I.

Speaker 3 (12:07):
Don't know how you guys see that. I only see
blue and black. Yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 2 (12:10):
You saw white and yellow?

Speaker 3 (12:12):
Yeah? Why? And gold? Who are you so weird? Uh?
She accuse me of trying to turn everyone against her
because I'm jealous. Bassic, Alissa rewrite the story, make herself
the victim, and toss me under the bus for reacting
to her boundary stomping. Rachel wasn't buying any of it. Good,
let's go.

Speaker 2 (12:32):
Of course she's not because it's absurd.

Speaker 3 (12:35):
It's absurd, she told me point blank. Alyssa was out,
not just from the rehearsal or brunch, fully removed as
a bridesmaid done. Rachel originally just uninvited her from the
dinner and pre wedding events to avoid drama, but hadn't
officially dropped her from the bridal party. That changed after
Alyssa tried to manipulate her the next morning. Then she

(12:55):
said something I didn't expect. Honestly, I'd rather have you
up there doing it all than one who makes everything
a circus. Just like that, I wasn't just a bridesmaid anymore.
I stepped into Alissa's role and her placement in the lineup,
Mine her dress fittings, mine her part of the speech,
behind the scenes, help her plus one slot, all reassigned.

(13:17):
No tiptoeing, no sugarcoating, just straight up replacement, And honestly
it felt right. Alyssa found out from Instagram mutual friends
posted photos from a last minute bridesmaid's guests together, and
obviously she wasn't in a single one. Then came the
usual Alyssa meltdown, a passive aggressive story of her unworn dress,
with a caption like funny how people smile in your

(13:38):
face and steal your place.

Speaker 7 (13:40):
But God sees all. I mean, okay, she's referring to herself. Yeah, yeah,
she's like, but God sees all.

Speaker 3 (13:51):
Oh, that's just so silly, using that as like a threat.
But then it's also like, yeah, he sees what you're doing.

Speaker 4 (13:57):
Girl's it's so crazy that and She's like, yeah, some
people just like steal your place.

Speaker 6 (14:03):
Girl.

Speaker 2 (14:03):
You've been doing that your sister forever.

Speaker 3 (14:07):
Yeah, literally, Oh my goodness. I didn't respond, and neither
did Rachel and most of our mutuals radio silence. They've
seen enough. Then came the phone call from my mom,
furious again. She said I embarrassed Alissa, and then I
had plenty of time to de escalate. I reminded her, calmly, honestly,

(14:28):
that I didn't punt Alissa out. Rachel did. I didn't
start this. Alissa did, even though Rachel made the call.
My mom always finds a way to blame me. It's
easier for her than holding Alyssa accountable. And when she
said you didn't have to take over all her duties,
I realized I was just done. I told her I

(14:49):
wasn't going to keep shrinking myself just to keep everyone
else comfortable. I wasn't going to keep letting Alissa bulldozed
boundaries while I get blamed for having any.

Speaker 2 (14:57):
She's responsible for her own actions.

Speaker 4 (15:00):
And if OP had done literally nothing, everything that happened
would have probably happened anyway.

Speaker 3 (15:05):
Yeah, exactly exactly. But there is a little bit more
to the story. So I win no contact with Alyssa
and for now with my mom locked them on everything.
Not to stir up drama. I'm just tired. I want peace.
Since that decision, things have been quiet, the bridal parties relax,
Rachel's happy, and no more walking on eggshells, and no

(15:27):
more waiting for Alyssa to pull another stunt. For once,
I'm not stepping aside. I'm standing right where I belong.
I didn't steal her spots.

Speaker 6 (15:34):
She gave it up.

Speaker 3 (15:36):
I just finally stopped pretending that that was my fault.
And honestly, I think my grandma would have been proud,
not just of the dress, but that I finally stood
up for myself.

Speaker 6 (15:46):
My husband suggested an open marriage, so I'm leaving him.

Speaker 3 (15:50):
We're staying way open over.

Speaker 6 (15:52):
My husband twenty eight male, and I twenty nine female,
have been together for nine years, married for seven. We
got not so classic shotgun wedding to give ourselves better
chances of receiving custody of his half sister, ten female,
when their moms suddenly passed away.

Speaker 3 (16:07):
Wow.

Speaker 6 (16:08):
No, despite only being twenty and twenty one years old,
we did receive full legal custody over her absent father.
This information is super relevant to the current situation, but
it really sets the tone of our relationship with the
sacrifices we made together and the things we each had
to give up personally to raise this beautiful little girl.
By the way, this comes from huntybum and if you

(16:28):
want to smit your own stories, go to the r slash. Okay,
storytime severed it so we don't have any children together,
but his sister is now seventeen and moved in with
an older, more financially privileged aunt last year. Over the
past year of this new found alone time, I feel
like we have flourished each personally and as a couple.
We never fight, arguments are rare, and we are pretty

(16:49):
good at coming to understandings and apologizing when necessary. It
seems like they're probably around like twenty eight now. Yeah,
basically I feel we have a pretty healthy relationship. We
each do live things for each other. I receive flowers
no less than ten times a year, that's not that
many times. We go on little vacations together and are

(17:09):
generally really good. I guess a bit of the spark
was sputtering out for a while, but I feel like
that's normal for relationship as long as ours. Fast forward
to this past October. My husband seems like he's been depressed,
which is normal for this time of year because of
the timing of losing both his mom and dad in
different years around the same time. Oof, the holidays are

(17:30):
tough for him, so I get it and try to
be there for him. I take his mental health very seriously.
He sits me down to have a serious conversation and
starts it by saying he wants to open up our relationship.
I felt my heart dropped to my stomach, but stayed
silent and let him talk. He doesn't go into why,
just jumps right into rules and explains how he wants
me to find someone first before he starts looking for

(17:52):
someone himself. When I ask him why, he couldn't explain
it and fumbled his words. I asked him if he
already had someone in mind for himself, and of course
he denied it. I couldn't help it. I definitely blew up.
I was totally blindsided by this proposal. I slept on
the couch after my outburst, and he didn't even try
to come after me to explain anything, which kind of

(18:13):
made me feel worse. I had never felt so unwanted
in my life than in that moment. I have never
given the impression that I was the kind of girl
to be open to an open relationship. I will never
judge anyone for wanting to live that kind of life,
but it's just not for me. He went to work
the next day, but I had the day off and
really thought about my situation. After crying for hours, I

(18:34):
came to the realization that this was the end of
our marriage. Wow, and how much of the relationship have
they been married for?

Speaker 3 (18:42):
I do not remember? Okay either way, Yeah, to go
from I feel like it's been a long time.

Speaker 6 (18:49):
I do think at twenty and twenty one, we're raising
a ten year old. So I think that really affects,
you know, your relationship because it can either break closer.
But also they were really young, so it's right.

Speaker 3 (19:00):
I mean, like she said, they both made a lot
of sacrifices and compromises to do that, and so maybe
it's like at a certain point, it's just like nothing
else you can do.

Speaker 6 (19:10):
Yeah, you know, even suggesting an open marriage was a
deal breaker for me. I realized while he was still
at work. I moved all of his stuff out of
our bedroom into his sister's old room technically a spare room. Now,
he comes home from work ready to talk it out.
After talking through more of why he wants this, I've
come to realize several things. He's way spicier than he

(19:30):
lets on and is disappointed with our bedroom life. He
knows I'm not on the same level and doesn't want
to push me past my boundaries to try things he
knows I won't like. When I asked how he knows
I won't like to try these new things, he explains
there are an escalation of things he already knows I'm
not down for, but won't go into specifics. He's like, uh,
I can't talk to you about that, So I'm gonna

(19:52):
go into the thing I definitely know is gonna make
you want to break up with me instead.

Speaker 3 (19:57):
Yeah, what I am not following this man's lot.

Speaker 5 (20:00):
I don't Well, maybe he just wants to like, you know,
you put on jelly, he puts on peanut butter, and
you both put on your feet and you guys just
intertwine your toes. You know. Maybe that's just something somebody
not him, not, but I you know, change the things
in the dynamic of relationship if you.

Speaker 6 (20:15):
Ask that, He also is unhappy without infrequently we have
spicy sleep but has never really put in the effort
to change anything regarding it, just complained over and over
and expected me to just be ready to do the
deed any minute of the day. He feels we have
nothing in common now that his sister is gone. For context,
he is more of the outdoorsy type. Whereas I like
to stay inside and read or play video games, I

(20:37):
do venture out once in a while to do things
he likes together and do genuinely enjoy them myself when
I go kayaking and skiing. I do understand that it
isn't as often as he would like, though, because we
got married so young, there are a lot of things
neither of us really got to experience or try, mostly
spicy stuff. He is mourning the loss of his young
twenties and never getting to sleep around and explore his

(20:58):
spicy hobbies. Part of the rules, he explained, was that
we wouldn't technically be sleeping around with whoever we wanted.
He called it an open marriage, but described it more
as polyamory.

Speaker 3 (21:09):
Those are different things where we would each have a
boyfriend or girlfriend of our own that we went on
dates and did things together with someone we were each
allowed to love and be with spicily. So this is
a very different offer that he's putting on the table.

Speaker 6 (21:23):
I don't know o Pe, but I gather she won't
be into this.

Speaker 3 (21:28):
Yeah, if she doesn't want to herself be spicy with
anyone else and she doesn't want her husband to be
spicy with anyone else, I really doubt that she would
be okay with that and emotions and volt.

Speaker 6 (21:40):
No, no, he goes, no, no, no, you don't understand.
We wouldn't just be having spicy we'd also have emotional
attachments to these people. What do you think of that?

Speaker 3 (21:51):
Yeah, yeah, this just makes.

Speaker 5 (21:53):
Me think that he was born in the wrong country,
you think.

Speaker 6 (21:56):
I think he was just in the wrong relationship and
emotional was pivotal for him, which broke my heart to pieces.
During our talk, I told him I would never be
able to look at him the same, I would never
be enough for him, and he was basically trying to
get a pass for guilt free cheating in my eyes.
I told him it sounded like he wanted to be
with someone else without ever leaving the comfort of his marriage. Yeah.

(22:17):
I mean he literally told you, guys have nothing in common. Yeah,
that feels like maybe you should break up. Knowing he
could date around and not worry if those relationships would
fail because he could just come home to me. He
tried denying these things, saying, you wanted to explore himself spicily,
but didn't want to lose me in the process. He
tried getting me to agree to marriage counseling to talk

(22:37):
about the open marriage concept. I told him just proposing
an open marriage was grounds for divorce for me, and
I wasn't willing to go to a counselor for them
to gang up on me to try to bully me
into it. I know in reality that never would have happened,
but emotions were high in that moment because I told
him I could never see him the same and how
badly this crushed any self confidence I may have had.
He doubled down. He said, if we go back to

(23:00):
a relationship and pretend this never happened, then he would
end up cheating on me. For him, it was open
marriage or nothing. Well, I'm really liking option number two Sharks.

Speaker 3 (23:10):
Yeah, honestly, He's like, well, I mean, you're not okay
with that. I'm going to just sleep with people anyway, So.

Speaker 6 (23:16):
It's either open marriage or bust. And she went, well,
this is pretty easy for me.

Speaker 5 (23:21):
Yeah, it's like cool, and then he busted.

Speaker 6 (23:23):
M hm, yikes, I chose nothing. Divorce papers were filed
exactly one week later. He was very hurt angry that
I could jump right to divorce and punt him out
of our bedrooms so fast. But I refuse to be
a second choice or have to fight for his attention.
I can't believe he's okay with the idea of another
person being inside of me. He is willing to just

(23:43):
give me up to explore his options. I can't believe
I wasted so much of my time with him, helping
him heal his family and raise his sister. I feel
completely used advice. Did I overreact? Should I have waited
longer before filing for divorce? Should I have just gone
to marriage or was my gut instinct correct about the
marriage being over? I still love and care about him,

(24:05):
but my brain is screaming to be logical. We still
live together while we're trying to figure out how to
split everything. But now he's being super toxic and petty
saying hurtful things and then begging for personal details about
my life. I need to get out of this house.
How do I cope with these complicated feelings? And there
is an update? But Angie, what do you think? I mean?

Speaker 3 (24:24):
I think she's doing a good thing by divorce.

Speaker 6 (24:27):
I agree, I agree that instincts.

Speaker 3 (24:29):
Yeah, it really is the kind of thing like, obviously
this is a really complicated breakup, but it kind of
seems like you still have to go through the same
motions of a regular breakup. Yeah, just like, focus on yourself,
focus on your career and your hobbies, and eventually it'll
just fade. Just keep yourself busy. That's always my go to.
I agree.

Speaker 6 (24:49):
I think you guys were a little bit like trauma
bonded when you started taking care of his sister. Yeah,
and I think right now it's like, Okay, we've come
to the natural conclusion of the relationship. Yeah, he doesn't
quite know how to let go, but he does want
to let go, and so do you now, right, so
let him let him leave. Yep, Go find yourself exactly,

(25:10):
Go live your late twenties exactly.

Speaker 3 (25:14):
Update.

Speaker 6 (25:15):
As for the update, where do I even start? It
has officially been over the required ninety days since initially
filing for divorce before it can be deemed official. I
am going to the courthouse tomorrow to file the remaining paperwork.
We had an easy, uncontested divorce. We agreed on pretty
much everything, and he didn't even give me a hard
time about taking our two cats that are quite attached

(25:35):
to me. He was always this spare human. I bought
a small home for myself and said two cats and
moved a few days ago. I've been pressed. You bought
a home.

Speaker 3 (25:44):
Yeah, dang, twenty eighth dang, look at you go.

Speaker 6 (25:48):
I won't lie. This whole process was very tough for
me emotionally. It was especially hard considering he was constantly
hot and then cold. He would jump from name calling
and trying to control who came over to our house,
defining reasons to call me on the phone all day,
and joking around with me like nothing was wrong. I
feel like I have emotional whiplash from the last three
months of living with him while looking for a new

(26:08):
place to live. At one point, he came home to
see me eating a meal I just cooked during a
break from packing. It was pretty disorganized, but I was
in the middle of doing multiple things at the same time.
He saw the mess and started yelling at me for
it and throwing my things around the kitchen. Damn what.
Another day, he texted me asking me why wasn't interested
in where he had been spending his days off, and

(26:30):
later sheepishly asking if he would drop the open marriage
to demand would I even consider trying again?

Speaker 3 (26:36):
Oh my gosh. Did this man just wants to hope
he to make all the decisions for him, but he
knows exactly what he wants. He's just like, ah, So like, listen,
I got rejected alive when I when I tried to
hit on these girls. So like if just like put
it out there, like if in another world, I like
stopped the open marriage, Like would you want me back?

(26:58):
I'm not gonna like let go of and before you
lay me in, but uh, but would.

Speaker 6 (27:03):
You want me back? This is the start suggest the
open marriage, Opie says. Even suggesting an open marriage, his
grounds for divorce from me yea, and he goes is
open marriage or nothing? She goes nothing. He goes, Okay,
what if I took it back? She goes, did you
not listen to the any of Yeah? Of course, I
told him we were way past that, considering the multiple
times he promised he would cheat on me if we

(27:25):
didn't open the marriage. Yeah, yeah, like what. Also, I
did get STD tested and came back clean. It's a
whistle good. I don't think he was already cheating, but
he is dang embarrassed about this whole thing. He wants
me to tell people he cheated on me when they
ask why we're getting a divorce, instead of telling the
truth of the matter.

Speaker 3 (27:44):
What that's so great? Sure?

Speaker 6 (27:47):
Can you just don't don't tell anyone that I wanted
the open marriage.

Speaker 3 (27:51):
Just cheated, Don't.

Speaker 6 (27:53):
Tell him that you weren't. He was made aware in
advance that after I moved and the divorce was finalized,
I would be going no contact. I did all the
legwork to make this happen, including getting all divorce paperwork
and twenty twenty three taxes filed, separating all bills and
bank accounts, hiding the address to my new home, blocked
him on all social media, and I will even be

(28:14):
changing my phone number once everything is finalized. Honestly good
on Nope, he feels that me going no contact is vindictive,
no matter what he has said and done to hurt me.
I still have a lot of love for this man.
He doesn't deserve it, I know, but that is exactly
why I need to go no contact. It's for my
own piece and to maintain some semblance of self respect.
I can't tell him that because I don't want to

(28:35):
give him or myself, to be honest, any false hope
that we could work things out. I have no plans
to be with anyone else in the near or distant future.
I just want to work on building my confidence and
get in a healthier mindset. I haven't gotten to counseling yet,
Like many have suggested, I was in survival mode for
the last three months so I could get out of
that hellish situation. Now that I'm in my new house

(28:57):
and getting unpacked, I'm sure I'll be able to relax
enough to start feeling better soon, and if I don't,
I have every intention of seeking professional help. I have
a huge support network between friends and family. Our shared
friends were all on my side as well. Not that
there is a true right or wrong in a situation
like this, but one of his best friends telling him
this was the biggest mistake of his life was incredibly

(29:19):
validating the only thing I regret for my relationship with
him is staying as long as I did, despite all
the red flags I ignored throughout the years. I went
into detail on some of them in the comments, And
there's a little bit left to this story, any final thoughts.

Speaker 3 (29:33):
She's girl bosting it up over here. Really, She's like, okay, bye,
changing my address, change my phone, over changing whatever, all
this kind of stuff late, and then everyone else is like, yeah,
you really dropped the ball on this one. And she's like, yeah,
I freaking know. And he's like, oh, my cheated.

Speaker 6 (29:51):
Yeah, this little whiny baby man over here.

Speaker 3 (29:54):
My gosh, as if cheating is any better than this,
Like please, it's just so stupid.

Speaker 6 (29:58):
I don't even know why he would. I want people
to know that. Yeah, he's so embarrassed about his request.
It seems like he really can't stand by what he's
asking for, right.

Speaker 3 (30:07):
Or it also could say too that like he just
doesn't even think cheating is a big deal. Maybe that yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 (30:13):
My take on it is that he's just so ashamed
about like kind of so much in his life because
he couldn't talk to her about the spicy desire stuff yeah,
like he was too ashamed to talk about that, and
then it brings up the open marriage, and now he's
too ashamed for anyone to know that. So he's like, oh,
just told me you did exhausting, were bosting, but there's
a little bit left. Ope, you're doing great, keep it up.

(30:35):
All I know is that I'm feeling a mix of
relief and grief. I just need time to allow myself
to heal. Out of our many conversations, he told me
that ninety nine percent of open marriages fail because they
were open for failing marriages, and it's since we have
a great relationship, we would have been fine. I tried
explaining to him that I learned from some of you
guys that what he suggested was not an open marriage

(30:58):
but a parallel polyamory, and it was the most difficult
form of polyamory to achieve. He didn't care, and it
was only focused on convincing me to work it out
with him. For me, there is nothing to work out.
He wants to be with someone else and to fall
in love again, So I'm giving him the freedom to
do that, but gracefully stepping back. As many have said,
you don't get out of your cake and eat it too.
There isn't much more to say on the matter. I

(31:19):
said I was leaving and I didn't.

Speaker 1 (31:21):
Hey, it's sam og Hos. We're get back to these
delectable stories. But here's three minutes of ads from our
sponsors to help support the show.

Speaker 3 (31:28):
I demanded an apology from my husband after eighteen years
of him blaming me. It's your turn for some context.
I forty four female, and my husband forty five maile
have been together for eighteen years, together for nine, married
for nine. I moved from Houston and we met in
two thousand and seven and decided we'd get a place
together in two thousand and eight. We stayed in San

(31:49):
Antonio and grew life there, but he always wanted to
live somewhere else. By the way, this comes from that
h town lady on the Charlotte Dover YouTube's I read it,
and if you want to submit your own stories, go
to the r slash Okay story time separate it. So
we tried multiple times to get a place in Houston,
but every time we went there, something would happen or
fall through from going to an apartment and them giving

(32:09):
us a different price to me catching the flu from
walking in the rain to get to an apartment, and
then us getting turned down just one after another man
after our last attempt to move there, we decided to
cut our losses. But even before that is when the
blaming began. For eighteen years, I've had to hear him
from time to time and blame me for wanting to

(32:30):
stay in San Antonio. You wanted to stay here, You
wanted to be here, blah blah.

Speaker 6 (32:35):
Dude, if you don't want to be here, no one's
keeping you.

Speaker 3 (32:38):
Yeah, like we had to make this decision together. Somebode
can leave. It doesn't matter whose idea was first. Now
on my end, I left Houston to change my scene
and because it was starting to get quite expensive there,
That's why I moved. And he knew this but still
wanted to live there. Now comes twenty twenty five and
we finally made enough money to move and he wanted
to move closer to my family and Iowa or two

(33:00):
family in Iowa. So I agree to the move because
I've never stayed outside of Texas, so this move would
be great for us. Right, you would think we make
the arrangements, set up everything we need to move, and
roll out to Iowa. When we get here, we move
into our apartment, which is great, but after a few
days of staying here, he starts to get frustrated because

(33:21):
he's trying to find a job but it's coming up
kind of short. He automatically starts saying that we should
have stayed in San Antonio because of this, and that
more than once I came out and told him that
now that the grass isn't as green as he thought
it was on the other side, he should apologize for
blaming me all those years for not i'ming sorry.

Speaker 6 (33:38):
They get to Texas and he goes, oh, yeah, we
should have stayed in San Antonio. Yeh. She goes, I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 (33:47):
What Yeah, well, faiss me off. Yeah. Honestly he went
off on me, still pointing the finger of blame, and
I still didn't get an apology. After that, I got
quiet and pissed off, and he knew it. He tried
to ask me questions about what's going on with our
daughter as far as important stuff, and I answered in
my angry tone and he knew heft up. Now I'm

(34:09):
sitting here and typing this out, still fuming, while he's
walking around trying to figure out where my head is at.
I answered, in my angry Riley, what do you think
her angry tone is.

Speaker 5 (34:19):
My angry tone yours?

Speaker 3 (34:20):
What do you think os is?

Speaker 5 (34:22):
Oh, he's probably like five three Yeah, the voice I know,
the taller you are, the deeper your voice goes okay
and your torso. So she's probably like you keep right
here right now, probably something like that, and.

Speaker 6 (34:39):
He hears and he goes.

Speaker 3 (34:42):
She means I can't hear what she's saying.

Speaker 5 (34:45):
Because elephants give scared of mice.

Speaker 3 (34:47):
You know, Sure, am I overreacting here? Or is my
frustration justified? And there are some comments? But what do
you think, Sophia absolutely justify?

Speaker 4 (34:57):
Ye?

Speaker 6 (34:57):
Are there good parts of your marriage?

Speaker 3 (34:59):
That's what I want to know, great question.

Speaker 6 (35:00):
As what I don't want to We only know about
the He always blames you for things, and that's not great.

Speaker 3 (35:06):
It's not good. We don't like especially when it's like,
you know, obviously you're not to blame for either of them.
You are both making these decisions together. He is well
aware of the reasons why you're making these decisions. It's
not like op is just like ah, just like pulling
his ear over to the different states like you are
making these decisions together, and then when it doesn't work out,

(35:27):
he just doesn't have the emotional maturity to soothe his
own emotions, so he's just pointing fingers to everyone around him.

Speaker 6 (35:33):
Literally, this man never learned how to self souve.

Speaker 3 (35:36):
But there are some comments coming. Number one says. All
I'm hearing from here is my husband feels the need
to blame someone for the constant anger he has with
himself that he didn't make more effort to move, and
now he's not happy with his choice, and he's trying
to blame me too. On a serious note, it's been
eighteen years and over that time, one of two things
should have happened. Either you both should have made more

(35:57):
of an effort to move, or he should have just
let it go, because honestly, it's a questionable hill to
pass away. On that said, I don't like that he's
pointing finger just at you. It's not like you orchestrated
all those rejections the first time around. And I definitely
don't see how it's your fault that you guys should
have stayed in San Antonio. It feels like he's enjoying
the sense of control he has over you by constantly

(36:19):
blaming you. And let's face it, he has that control.
You've let him blame you for eighteen years. If it
was me, I would have told him to get over
it after max a couple of weeks, and I would
have expected an apology. Then it's not your fault. Also,
user better than a grudge holding gremlin. Common number two says,
if the moving or not moving and him blaming you

(36:40):
for it is the only frustration between you two, use
this moment to force him to talk things through like adults,
and do not let go before this is resolved. If
you guys can't figure it out between the two of
you and a bottle of wine and some geese, find
a form of meditation like couples counseling.

Speaker 6 (36:56):
Yeah, if you can't figure it out over a bottle
of wine and cheese, yeah, he's not going to be
figured out right, Because if you don't shut this down now,
once and for all, this being your life from now
on or divorce are your only options.

Speaker 3 (37:09):
Since he finally realized he's screwed up, tell him you're
done with the useless, crappy communication with blame. He stops now,
he starts telling you what his issues are and starts
taking accountability and realizes stuff sometimes works out a certain way.
You are not a freaking fairy godmother. Random things happening
are not your responsibility, nor are they your fault. You're

(37:29):
done being his emotional one doing bag for the random shizzle.
Don't get too hung up on that apology until you've
actually talked like adults, because if he apologizes now, it's
going to be the excuse to rug sweep and you'll
be back here with a nothing's changed or things escalated
update before the week is out, not the a hole

(37:50):
and there is an update.

Speaker 6 (37:54):
Those comments, yeah, those I mean, I mean they're not wrong. No,
they're not wrong. I think you have to have a
actual conversation with your husband of nine years relationship eighteen
You guys have been in a relationship for ages. If
this is the only thing that I have a conversation
about it and sit him down and say, hey, I
really don't appreciate how much you're blaming me for things

(38:16):
that are outside of my control. Yeah, yeah, and you
need to find a way to emotionally regulate and not
put things that you're unhappy with on me.

Speaker 3 (38:26):
Right right, Yeah, And fault and if he just apologizes
like that. One comment said, like, don't put too much
emphasis on that, because you have to actually see the
actions improve. After that, I agreed, but there is an update.
So I thought that this frustration of mine would drag on,
but I came to a head yesterday. But first, let
me put a few things straight to some people. My
husband loves me very much and he will do anything

(38:48):
to make sure I'm happy, and he knows that if
he pokes me the wrong way, I will poke back
with a vengeance, which is why I have an update.
Second to the person that said that we're too old
to make a foolish choice to move out with out jobs,
I take it that you forgot what the title of
this post says. This post is about a matter between
me and my husband. But if you want to be nosy,
I do have a job. I got mine transferred out

(39:10):
of state because I work from home, and my husband
did have one lined up, but it fell through, taking
him back to square one. Hes him getting frustrated. Our
finances are tight, but we're not drowning. So unless you're
going to volunteer as tribute to help with our finances,
which of course will be a hard no. Then stick
to the title of what's being discussed. Okay, okay, all right,

(39:31):
now on to the updates. After I read all of
the posts, I had to admit that the gas lighting
was there in plain sight. But after our discussion, I
went silent, coldly silent, and I start to clean, which
is a habit when I get pissed off. And if
anyone knows me, my cold silence is more than enough
to leave you with frostbite if I talk to you
on the regular. When he saw and felt this, he

(39:53):
knew he left up. Now for a bit of background context.
I'm not an argumentative person. I will speak my fast
of peace. If I see that what I'm saying is
not getting through to you, then I will shut it down.
I'll let you think you won and say nothing else
to you afterwards. I don't have the time or temperament
because I know how bad my anger can get, and
I'm not trying to go to jail. The day comes

(40:15):
around and something happens and he starts acting extra appreciative. Now,
when it comes to my husband, he will apologize, but
in the form of doing things for me, me saying
is this your way of apologizing? And he'll say in
a sad voice, Yeah, that's my bad, which is fine
with me. I'm not too proud. That's so funny.

Speaker 6 (40:34):
Is this your way of apologizing?

Speaker 3 (40:37):
Yeah, but what he did that led up to the
my bad to get back on my good side was
an eyebrow raiser. I told him that my leg's hurt,
and he laid me down and massaged them as well
as my lower back. It seems like you guys.

Speaker 6 (40:52):
Have a good marriage other than this one communication issue.

Speaker 3 (40:57):
I mean, are you basing that just off of the massage,
Like I guess he watched over our daughter so that
you have kids while I was working as far as
feeding her and sending her to the potty, which he
does sometimes anyway. And instead of giving me flowers, he

(41:17):
gave me tacos, which he knows I love, and he
watched the cars.

Speaker 6 (41:20):
See that's what I like to see. I love flowers,
but I also like when a person knows their partner.

Speaker 3 (41:25):
Yeah, like I could.

Speaker 6 (41:26):
Get you flowers or I could feed you, and.

Speaker 3 (41:28):
Then ye're angry, which honestly is maybe even better for
this situation. I agree. Yeah, you get a nice, thoughtful
gift and you get fed. Yeah. That sounds nice, but
there is a little bit more. We did talk a
bit about what he did, and we came together to
straighten out the issue, so no more blaming. I felt
that he really meant it. We're a couple that has

(41:48):
only fought three now four times in eighteen years we've
been together, so leaving him is not an option. We
both know that with all marriages there will be ups,
downs and issues that will test any marriage, and as
long as we know we can work them out together,
no one but God can separate us. Oh. In one
final note, I know that Midwest winter hits harder than

(42:09):
southern winter, and when I get to that bridge of frost,
I will deal with it. Now, does anyone know where
I can buy a really good coat in Iowa? I
love y'all. My wife is financially unreliable and it's affecting
our marriage.

Speaker 2 (42:23):
Happy wife, but unhappy life.

Speaker 3 (42:25):
Unfortunately, I was never very outgoing, kind of a late bloomer,
and ended up marrying the first person I really dated.
We met after I was laid off from a dot
com job at burning through my savings and feeling pretty
down at the time. She was five years younger than me,
came from a small town and a low income family
and was going away to school. She was smart and
seemed mature for her age. By the way, this comes

(42:46):
from one two three, It's me three two one, and
if you want to submit your own stories, go to
the r slash Okay story time separate it. We started
off in a long distance relationship and she eventually moved
in with me, probably too early, and it may have
been an emotionally codependent relationship. We got stable jobs and
bought a house, although it was with an adjustable rate mortgage.
I was reluctant about. When the housing bubble burst, things

(43:08):
got worse financially. She gave me a marriage ultimatum, and
even though I was ready, it felt rushed, so there
wasn't a romantic proposal. Looking back, we should have eloped,
but instead we had a wedding that left us with
debt due to poor communication. Oh wow, you don't want
to be in debt from your wedding.

Speaker 8 (43:22):
Well, the ultimatum is giving me the ick.

Speaker 3 (43:24):
She still blames me for it, even though she was
the one who did most of the planning and ordering.
We had our first child. Even though things were already
tight financially, we refinanced the house, but the payments ended
up being too high, which led to more credit card debt.
After having our second child, which was an expensive home birth,
money was still too tight and we ended up doing

(43:45):
a short sale. Now we rent for my parents. Can't
afford to pay our credit card bills. Our CPA actually
advised us not to pay. In our situation, we have
no savings and bare least straight by despite having a
decent combined income. My wife is well read on topics
that interest her. Driven anti vaccine, anti microwave, pro all organic,

(44:06):
and into holistic health. She's training to be a health coach,
got involved in a few MLMs and spends a lot
of money on her businesses, travel events and marketing health products, chiropracture, visits, yoga,
massage and more. She does have a good job, stable
day job, but she also has student loans will need
to start paying soon. Recently she started working for a

(44:29):
political party, which isn't my party. Had even talked about
moving to DC and at the same time it really
wants to be able to homeschool our kids, though she's
frequently out late or working and then sleeping when she's home.
I'm now making less than her with my day job,
but I take on side work and I handle most
of the childcare and housework, laundry, dishes, garbage cleaning, yard work,

(44:49):
basically everything. I try to budget, though it ends up
just being tracking spending since she won't stick to any budget.
I don't have any hobbies and no real friends, little
to no free time buy anything for myself, not even clothes.
Our kids are still quite young, smart, and in private
school or care which costs almost the same as public
school with aftercare. They mean everything to me. But the

(45:12):
recent changes with my wife and her schedule and availability
have definitely affected that. There has been some trouble at school,
but she blames it on the school's rules. I have
a big problem with her spending habits, and she has
an issue with what she sees as an obsession with
not having enough money, probably some self help or MLM
nonsense that she read or heard. What MLM stands for

(45:33):
Multi level marketing. It's a pyramids Yeah great.

Speaker 6 (45:37):
When I was younger, the only MLM I was thinking
about was on fanfic.

Speaker 8 (45:42):
So I know that Avon technically my mom used to
work for Avon. Yeah, so like it's like the hey
if you refer people, you'll move up what's here, and
then they'll pay to you. It's like, literally, it's it's a.

Speaker 3 (45:55):
Pre I was doing, like he was selling knives.

Speaker 6 (45:58):
It was k.

Speaker 8 (46:03):
One. The cook wear was a really big one from
like the mid tens. Yeah, someone said it in the chat.
I think it was Kim Fines, like this bro's strolling
through life backwards.

Speaker 3 (46:14):
Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like it's worse.

Speaker 8 (46:17):
It's just snowballing.

Speaker 3 (46:19):
Yeah. I mean like I'm hoping and assuming that there's
good things to the relationship, because right now it's just
like an outpour of like all these bad red flags.

Speaker 8 (46:27):
There has to be something that's worth it. I don't
know if it's staying together because the kid. Maybe they're
staying together because it's convenient and they've been with each
other for so long they don't feel comfortable like.

Speaker 2 (46:37):
Being a part.

Speaker 8 (46:38):
Yeah, but it doesn't seem like there's any upward trajectory
for them, at least right now in the story.

Speaker 3 (46:45):
Yeah, hopefully things can get better, but I don't know.
She's finding herself and I'm adverse to change. It's a
problem for me and I don't see myself turning around
and encouraging her when it means spending all our money
on the things mentioned above. She says she's working on
her spending temper, etc. And I think, or in hope,
that we're done with her buying omeopathics. She buys books

(47:07):
and learns about anything and everything that interests her, so
it can be impossible to argue or reason with her
about things that I disagree with. Her Facebook posts have
included quotes about those who try to discourage you only
prove you're doing the right thing. She is close to
quitting her stable job to work in politics full time
with similar salary after putting thirty percent aside her taxes,

(47:28):
but no benefits mine will cover, and she still wants
to do health coaching. These are not guaranteed stable career paths,
but she's banking on the potential to make much more.
She's hoping that this will help us dig ourselves out
of debt, but has only spent more in pursuit of
these goals. She also says that she'll be able to
spend more time with the family, but has mentioned travel,
meetings and having clients, so I'm doubtful She's brought up

(47:51):
divorce in fights. I've started calling her bluff and told
her to go, but then we both say that we
want it to work. During one fight, she told me
that she would sue for full custody. Then she took
it back. We talked and agreed to give it one
hundred percent, have more open communication, me being more supportive,
et cetera. I really do love her and want it
to work, even if it's just for the kids. But

(48:12):
I'm afraid that I won't live up to her expectations
or can't agree with whatever she wants all the time.
I'm also afraid that being afraid makes it impossible to
give one hundred percent. Yeah, I wouldn't blame you for that.
This just feels like, Oh, he just kind of has
to deal with what she is doing, Like she is
just not seeming to make any sacrifices for the family
or put efforts in family.

Speaker 8 (48:34):
She thinks she's making sacrifice, Yeah, because she says that
she wants to spend more time. She wants to do
the school thing right, which it can work if you
know what you're doing, but she doesn't seems like she
has both the time, the effort, and the knowledge to
do homeschooling right. Like I know you people who've done
homeschooling and they're fine. I know other people who they

(48:54):
say they're going to homeschool, but they don't do anything.

Speaker 3 (48:56):
Yeah, And I mean that honestly seemed a little unfair too,
because if she wants to do more in politics, and
she wants to do all of these different health coaching
and all these jobs and stuff, ohp, he would be
the one that would have to homeschool.

Speaker 6 (49:07):
No, she wants to homeschool, but she wants him to homeschool.

Speaker 3 (49:10):
Yeah, she wants them to be homeschool, but does not
be the one yet.

Speaker 8 (49:14):
Her picture of what their life is going to be
does not line up with what it's really going to be.
And she seems like she's kind of stuck in her
head of what could happen rather than the reality and
like what that financial reality is exactly.

Speaker 3 (49:27):
And then OPI is just having to pick up all
the scraps that she's leaving behind. I've tried to get
her to go to a marriage counselor who I've already
seen once, but she hasn't yet. She says that she
wants to, but uses up her vacation or sick leave
on her stuff, her pay is then docked if she's sick,
which makes things worse financially, So I'll make an appointment
for early next month, hopefully before she uses her time up.

(49:50):
She brought up creating a Facebook group with her similarly
crunchy friends for relationship matters. That seems pretty one sided, though.
I've spoken to a financial counselor who advise separate bank
accounts and paying off the debt, but my wife's suspending
makes that impossible. So the latest, we've been sued by
one credit card company, and I assume at least one
more will be served soon. We have no way to

(50:12):
pay and can't even afford to pay a filing fee,
so I guess they'll get a default judgment and see
what happens next, probably bankruptcy. What a nightmare this has
promoted me to finally posting this here. Thank you for
taking the time to read this and for any assistance
you can give. There is an update, but ah yeah, man,
that's like we got to have a serious, serious discussion

(50:34):
with this woman, like trying to wake up, because I
get that it's easy to fall into the mindset at
least and this is a very smaller scale of what
op's dealing with. But like if you get a new job,
for example, like if right now, maybe you can't pay
all your bills or you can't like go do all
the fun things that you want and pay bills or
something like that, and then you get a promotion, You're like,
this is great. But then what you start doing is

(50:55):
like start buying more fun things for yourself, a more
expensive fun thing. And then it's like, Okay, well now
I'm still kind of in the same difficult position. But
that's because like I was already living out of my
means and then when I got it's like a like
a gold vision of fishing, you know what I mean.

Speaker 8 (51:10):
It's a self filling prophecy of spending. Like I got
a promotion like recently this year, and I'm like, oh nice,
I have more fun money, but I keep it within
a reasonable limit, like yeah, I can't. I only have
maybe like seventy dollars more a month adds up by
the end of the year, but it's like I can
buy one more fun thing, right, So.

Speaker 3 (51:27):
Right, we do have an update. So since posting, we've
had some ups and downs and it's been pretty stressful.
So I thought i'd post an update and see if
there was any other new advice I could garner. This
week was our anniversary. Since we were low on money,
which is typical, I used what was left on a
gift card that I got for clothes for my parents
for Christmas on an inexpensive gift for her. Most of

(51:48):
my gift cards tend to go that route her clothes
for work, weight loss, or gay, et cetera. However, I
bought my first shirt on clearance in a couple of years.
These types of sacrifices to try and keep us afloat
that she is unwilling to make. At least she didn't
spend money on a gift card for me, just a card.
Also this week we saw the bankruptcy attorney. Prior to

(52:09):
the meeting, my wife said that she talked to someone
she knows about getting out of the creditors lawsuit and
avoiding a default judgment by using what seems to be
a loophole or playing a game, contesting method of service,
whether they still have the contract, etc. I imagine we'd
have to do this for every single credit card we had.
I'd rather go through the bankruptcy so if it comes

(52:30):
to a divorce, we won't have the debt hanging over us,
and if by some miracle we don't get divorced. With
a bankruptcy, we won't have to deal with a bunch
of lawsuits, time off, legal fees, constant stress, etc. And
can get started on fixing things Anyhow. The bankruptcy attorney
seems to agree with me, convinced my wife, and we're
going to move ahead with that. Okay. The forms we

(52:52):
need to complete and all the hoops we need to
jump through seem very daunting, and I'll probably have to
take care of most of this alone or it won't
get done, just like our taxes. I've started keeping a journal,
which has been quite the eye opener. I can look
back on my past to do lists two and a
half plus years and update the journal with everything I
do around the house and with the kids. The journal

(53:12):
allows me to add more detail and feelings, but I
try to keep it factual. For instance, my wife has
been going to more meetings, having been out several nights,
which has helps me get our daughter to sleep in
her own bed. But when my wife is home, all
the work goes out the window and makes the following
mornings more difficult. I get up at five point thirty
to make breakfasts, pack lunches, get the kids dressed, and

(53:32):
take them to school. My wife sleeps in as long
as possible. We did have a few arguments. She alluded
to divorce again since my first post, and I was
able to record a couple of them on my phone.
She has a swearing problem and can seem, at least
to me in some family verbally harmful. I don't know
how much of this will help me, or if I
can even use it, but it's evidence of me wanting
to go to counseling and her saying that it would

(53:54):
be useless, that they would be against her, and that
she's not really willing to do anything about it. She
said she sees nothing wrong with speaking the way she
does in front of the kids, and that they need
to see the emotion rather than acting fake by being
polite and having rational discussions like adults. Yikes, dude, that
is not a good way to parents.

Speaker 8 (54:15):
No, it's not showing a united front at all, and
it's no, it's not a good way to negotiate anything.
So the kids are gonna see that and feel like
that's appropriate behavior to do to anybody, because like if
you can't do it to your closest people, you can
do it to anybody.

Speaker 3 (54:30):
Yeah, exactly. Oh, my goodness, that is so so bad.
There are times where we still show that we love
and care about each other, and it's good for the
kids to see that, But then there are the bad times.
She sees no problem with the kids seeing or hearing
the arguments and her name calling. You're in a hall
and daddy's just being a clown type of stuff, even
though she's the one yelling and I keep a calm

(54:52):
and even tone. I know this could mess them up,
but like other medicine, she's not open to what a
counselor or therapist would say about that. She has very
different ideas of how kids should be raised than I do.
I'll just say to that, my goodness. It looks like
within the next couple of months she will be quitting
her stable day job to do her other political thing

(55:13):
full time. The gross pay is about the same, but
net should increase, which will help in the short term.
She mentioned being able to spend time at the kids'
school during the day and working in the evenings, which
will unfortunately put me in the same single father position
at night. If she moves up the ladder at her
new job, our income will increase considerably, but there will
still be all these other problems. I think that's great

(55:35):
that she wants to help out at the school, but
also fear that she can use it against me in court,
leaving me to hope that the negatives outweigh the positives.
Having to think about this makes me ill. I'm so
torn between putting this all aside and being proud of her,
trying to support her, and going with the flow in
order to weigh out the financial difficulties versus hating everything
about the new job and what it's cost our family,

(55:57):
both financially and emotionally, not to mention the attitude swings,
having to constantly walk on eggshells around her and doing
all the chores.

Speaker 2 (56:05):
Hey, it's John here.

Speaker 1 (56:06):
We're gonna get back to this episode, but a quick
three minute break with Asthramar sponsors.

Speaker 3 (56:10):
My mother refuses to come to my wedding because it
wasn't in a church.

Speaker 2 (56:15):
It's in a church, or it's not a wedding.

Speaker 3 (56:18):
In December, my dad was diagnosed with stage four mena
static pancreatic OH. In this time, he has dropped significant
weight and is undergoing chemo. I'm so sorry. My fiance
twenty seven male, and I twenty seven female, have been
engaged since July together eleven years total. Wow. We had
tossed around the idea of getting married sooner rather than
later because I want my dad at the wedding. This

(56:40):
past week, we decided that since it is our eleven
year anniversary and my dad's sister is in town when
of his only remaining living family members that he's close with,
we could get married this upcoming Saturday. It's actually perfect
because my fiance's mom is a marriage commissioner and had
agreed to do it at her house. Also, we have
a makeup artist and two event planners in the family,
both that we are very close with, who are more

(57:01):
than pumped for this.

Speaker 2 (57:02):
Oh my gosh, this is so awesome.

Speaker 3 (57:04):
Old families coming together. It's great. By the way, this
comes from a shotgun wedding throwaway, and if you want
us to make your own stories, go to the hour
slash Okay storytime and sep reread it. So the wedding
would be small, about twenty people and barely any costs,
no venue to pay for, and book hardly any food costs,
homemade beef on a bun and veggie trays, et cetera.
I haven't asked my mom fifty seven female for a dime,

(57:25):
but she's refusing to come. She said that not getting
married in a church is a mockery to actual weddings.
She said it's immature and any other insult she could
think of. When I asked my grandma if they would come,
my grandma cried and said that she's worried about my
soul because I won't make it to heaven, but that
she would think about coming. So that's where my mom

(57:45):
got it from. On one hand, I'm worried that my
mom won't allow my dad to come. He just finished
his first psychle of chemos, so he would need a ride.
He also said that while he doesn't agree with our decision,
he will definitely walk me down the aisle. My question,
how do I navigate this? Am I being an a
hole for rushing this out of fear of my dad
passing away? He's starting to turn yellow, meaning that his

(58:05):
is spreading to his liver. Oh, any help would be appreciated,
And there are some comments coming. Number one says, your
dad will not be at your wedding if you wait.
Pancreatic is not a recoverable condition, especially stage four. Stage
four too like, yeah.

Speaker 5 (58:20):
Get rolling right undertake her wedding's happening.

Speaker 3 (58:23):
Try to explain this to your mother in a heartfelt way.
Tell her she can invite her preacher, see if he
will officiate it. That's an option. You can try to
compromise some to accommodate her, but in the end, roll
up and get your dad and do the thing. Good luck,
you won't regret making this type of life decision on
your own terms. Hope. He responds, he has heard of
others recovering from cancer, so he thinks that he will
be cured. My parents also think that he will have

(58:45):
enough time for us to plan a summer wedding. She
is not an understanding person. There is really no reasoning
with her at all. Unfortunately. Comment number two says, I
lost my mom to very recently. We considered getting married
so she could be present, but she had a similarly
fast moving so we never got the chance. If you
let your mother ruin this chance for you, you are
likely to regret it and resent her for the rest

(59:05):
of your life. I wish i'd push the issue more
while my mom was still well enough coming Number three says,
does she think that the side of God doesn't extend
outside of the church. In twenty seventeen, only twenty two
percent of weddings took place in a church. Sorry, mom,
you can get with the times, and we do have
an update, But what are your thoughts on all this?
What do you think they should do?

Speaker 5 (59:25):
Definitely have the wedding so your dad can be there. Yeah,
and if your mom tries to stop them, get your
favorite cousins together and go retrieve your dad to be
there at your wedding.

Speaker 3 (59:34):
Yeah, exactly, that's what I'm going to be. Exactly. I
would get into a car in my white dress if
I needed to pack all that that puffy dress into
a taxi or whatever.

Speaker 5 (59:44):
Yeah, dude, I would love to sit down with this
mom and just question her line of thinking, saying like, okay,
like church is always around, so you're telling me that
every single person that got married not inside of a
church is going to the bad place? Really okay? And
then start naming off people that are in the bad place,
just to kind of yeah, understand her line of thinking,
Like what and like Frand isn't mom's condemination of you

(01:00:07):
a sin. Yeah, that's one thing, And then I thought
you were gonna say this? How could she not critically
think to the point, Oh, my husband's he's gonna see
his beautiful daughter get married.

Speaker 6 (01:00:18):
Yeah, where's that?

Speaker 3 (01:00:19):
But we do have an update. So I went and
spoke to my dad about the wedding last Wednesday. He
wasn't pumped about the idea, but said that he will
walk me down the aisle. He said that this is
happening too fast, but that he loves both me and
my fiance very much and knows that we're meant to
be together. He said that he wants to have a
sit down discussion with the both of us to discuss
marriage values. On Thursday, my mother spent the day texting

(01:00:40):
me about how I'm a horrible child that will do
anything to hurt her. Oh my gosh. She then started
texting my mother in law about how none of her
family will attend the wedding and that even so my
dad's too sick. So ironic. My fiance and I had
made the decision to go ahead with the wedding, and
so on Friday we went to my dad's to have
the talk with him. He started off repeating everything my
mother has said, that this is a mockery of a

(01:01:02):
real wedding, et cetera. He kept going on about Catholicism
and began being very disrespectful to my fiance while he
shouted at us. He said that we were being disrespectful
to his past away parents. I tried to get off
the topic of religion and make a final plea regarding
my dad's condition and that he needs to see where
we are coming from. We want to give him the
opportunity to walk me down the aisle. This pissed him

(01:01:23):
off even more and he shouted, then watch me pass
away in our faces.

Speaker 5 (01:01:29):
Yeah, dad saying this.

Speaker 3 (01:01:30):
The dad is saying this. He's mad about this. Now.
At first he wasn't and he was like, well, it's disappointing,
but I will still walk you down the island. And
now he's like, it's it's over my body.

Speaker 5 (01:01:41):
Actually, I mazed. Should have seen this coming because the
wife was saying, this is gonna down a hill on this.

Speaker 3 (01:01:46):
Yeah, it's gonna it's gonna spread.

Speaker 5 (01:01:48):
It's it's yeah, we're already thanking it because that's kind
of how they roll. Yeah, and it sucks that you
were like, oh, you're about to pass away, let me
honor you.

Speaker 6 (01:01:57):
And he's like, have you outright now?

Speaker 3 (01:02:00):
Yeah, dude, wedding what at this? Okay?

Speaker 6 (01:02:04):
Then I don't want you got my wedding.

Speaker 3 (01:02:05):
I guess It's like ahh yeah yeah. At this point,
we left and went to my sister's. She was heartbroken
that my parents were acting this way. She also had
spoken with her priest. She's quite religious as well, and
he said that there is no reason for my parents
to not support this decision and that there is not
enough time to go through the marriage prep for a
church wedding that my dad could attend. She also said

(01:02:25):
that for her wedding, she had constant issues with my mom,
but it was spread out over the course of a year,
and with my dad. He screamed at her the night
before her wedding because of the video. On Saturday, my
mom texted me in the morning that she hopes we
will honor their values one day. That was all. Then
my fiance became my husband. Lots of family on the
fiance's side and friends helped with everything throughout the day.

(01:02:47):
My sister did so many incredible things and I can
never thank her enough. My brother ended up walking me
down the aisle, and my dad's sister, who's leaving today,
attended as well. My parents did not show up. The
funny thing is my auntie, my dad's sister, is Jehovah's
witness and was married by Justice Peace. My dad's mother,
who was very religious and who he had thrown in
my face about disrespecting, attended and supported that wedding. We

(01:03:11):
drove two provinces away to help set up for the wedding.
So anyways, my fiance is now my husband. We had
a really magical day surrounded by so much love and support.
I guess I will never get a chance to have
my dad walk me down the aisle and have my
parents support our decision. Oh dude, now I have to
evaluate whether or not I will still take compassionate care
leave in February to help with my dad's care as

(01:03:33):
his health declines. I already had all the paperwork completed
and my boss is notified. I doubt he will want
me to and there is a second update. But yikes, dude,
that sucks.

Speaker 5 (01:03:43):
I yeah, it sucks that you moved your wedding so
you can honor your dad and you just throw it
in your face, and now you have to think, oh,
do I want to take care of him as his
health is declining, or do I take this serious and
kind of keep my peace and he basically doesn't honor
your marriage.

Speaker 3 (01:04:00):
Yeah. I was wondering if they got that person that
is a priest, that's like the sister's friend or husband
or something like that. I wonder if they got that
person who was like, yeah, no, this is chill, Like, oh,
I'm a priest and like it is God's chill with it,
you know. I wish he went over to the parents'
house and was like, Hey, guys, just want to let
you know from like God to me to you, it's good. Guys,

(01:04:20):
Like they're good. Bring God to Me to you. Yeah,
like they're cool. They're cool, dude. We do have a
second update. We attended the anointing of the six ceremony
for my father a couple of weeks ago. My husband
thought it was important and I agreed. My family, except
for my cousins, didn't really talk to us, but my
dad made a point to speak with us, apologize to
my husband for how we spoke to him, and tried

(01:04:42):
to make amends with my one auntie, who has been
playing a big role in my dad's life since his
diagnosis because her dad went through the same type, gave
me a hug and said, no hard feelings. I thought
that was a bit out of line, because I'm not
too sure what she would have had hard feelings about.
I think we should just roll right into it, shall we. Anyways,
I haven't spoken to my dad as often as I had.

(01:05:03):
My mom came over yesterday because she wanted to tell
us some thing so that she can move on with
her life.

Speaker 5 (01:05:08):
Oh my gosh, her life.

Speaker 3 (01:05:11):
It doesn't sound right.

Speaker 2 (01:05:12):
Here's a bottomless pit.

Speaker 5 (01:05:13):
You could tell it to that.

Speaker 3 (01:05:15):
Yeah, fun, If just saying the words is gonna help you,
then don't say it to me. Write on the letter
and then just exactly so. She talked about how even
if they wanted to come to our wedding, they couldn't
because my dad was in too much pain, which was false.
She also said that we could plan a church ceremony
and that it would give my dad the opportunity to
walk me down the aisle. I told her that is

(01:05:37):
something that my husband and I would decide on privately.
We spoke about it after and agreed that this is
something that we would only do to make them happy,
seeing as neither of us are religious. She also said
that my dad has been very lonely since both my
sister and I have barely contacted them since the wedding.
Lo as fond as that my guy come on. I
decided to take the month of March off work since
I have a very stressful job, just to take some

(01:05:59):
time to get to a good mind frame.

Speaker 5 (01:06:01):
Thank you can.

Speaker 3 (01:06:01):
Do that, not this job.

Speaker 5 (01:06:04):
I think we all should be able to take a
month off after this week.

Speaker 3 (01:06:09):
We'll see how this goes. My question is how do
I move forward after my parents refuse to attend my wedding.
I don't want my dad to leave this world on
bad terms, but I also don't want to disregard their actions.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}My sister tried to wear MY wedding dress to our cousin’s wedding… she got uninvited! - r/charlottedobreyoutube | Reddit Stories