My wife says I’m CONTROLLING… but I think she could be cheating!-r/marriage | Reddit Stories - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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Speaker 2 (00:17):
My wife says I'm controlling, but I think she could
be cheating.

Speaker 3 (00:21):
Controlling or cheating.

Speaker 2 (00:23):
Me forty two male, and my wife forty six female,
have been married fourteen years whoop, with three kids together.
We've been going through some marital struggles, typical stuff like
resentment build up on her side and complacency online. About
a year ago, she started learning golf, which I fully supported,
and took lessons with another guy forty five male. She

(00:44):
met at her club. He's married with kids, and I
thought it was weird that he'd want to play golf
with my wife. She insisted they were just friends. I
don't buy it. By the way, this comes from an
on a moose ha oh nine eight seven six y
five four three two And if you want to submit
your ows, go to the r slash Okay story Time
separate it, so I tried giving him the benefit of

(01:04):
the tout, but after hanging out with him a few times,
he gave me the creeps, always flirting with women at
the club, wearing strong colone, making weird comments about women. Usually,
my wife and I are really good about making friends
as a couple, and we're on the same page about
who we like. I told her I didn't think their
friendship was appropriate and that spending four hours alone together

(01:27):
across a boundary in our marriage. We argued, but she
ultimately agreed not to spend time with him alone. About
sixty days ago, I was on a business trip internationally
when I found out she played golf with him and
had lunch alone. Afterward. She lied and told me she
was playing with the girls golf league. I was extremely
upset and felt betrayed. When confronted, she said I was

(01:49):
being oh, really jealous and they're just friends. When I
got home, we had a huge fight and she told
me she wanted a divorce. Said I was controlling, complacent, suffocating, jealous,
not present, not a good father. I went into a
tail spin and reassessed my life. I pushed for therapy
individual and couples, and identified that I was still suffering
from depression after my father's passing a year and a

(02:10):
half ago. This caused my anxious attachment style to be exaggerated.
If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving her too much
and having trouble setting boundaries. We identified that she had
avoidant attachment, which explained her feeling suffocated. Counseling was going great.
I worked on giving her space space, lost ten pounds,
gained muscle, started going to the gym, spent more time

(02:32):
with the kid's mourn my father properly, and we were
getting along, going on dates, took a family vacation, had
regular spicy sleep. Everything seemed good. This past weekend, she
mentioned meeting new girls for dinner, then wanting to meet
up later with another friend group for a girl's party
since it was girls only. I was super supportive and
even helped pick out her outfit. At ten pm, I

(02:55):
sent a friendly text saying I'd be going to bed
soon and offered to pick her up. She said not
to worry, she'd take an uber and gn through the
back door. I fell asleep. The next thing I know,
the doorbell's a ringing, completely waste, like a scene from
a movie where frat guys drop off a wasted sorority girl.
I looked at the street and saw a guy there,

(03:16):
definitely not an uber driver. She could barely walk, so
I helped her to bed. She got undressed and passed out.
When I got in bed, it hit me like a truck.
She smelled like his cologne. I almost puked. She'd obviously
been with him. I was furious and went to sleep
in our kids room. Anxiety got the best of me,

(03:37):
and I checked the phone records. Of course, she'd called
the guy right around ten pm after her first friend group.
I sent her a long text before leaving for the gym,
telling her I was embarrassed and betrayed. She never responded
and left to play golf with girlfriends. I spent the
day with the kids, and on the way to the movies,
my son asked why mom was so wasted in the

(03:59):
middle of the night. How old are these kids? Three
year old?

Speaker 3 (04:03):
That was so wasted? I was Mommy at the door drunk?
She drunk? Why was she kissing that man who wasn't
an uber driver? The kids was like watching out his
blind Did you see.

Speaker 2 (04:14):
That man that she mommy plays golf with? On the weekends,
they were making out.

Speaker 3 (04:18):
They were making out.

Speaker 2 (04:20):
She just when we got home, I was triggered by
his comment and made a mistake. I asked the kids
to help me pour out all the booze in the house.
She drinks regularly and sometimes it's trouble controlling it. Uh oh,
though she denies having a problem. Finally got home late
and was crying. I asked if she wanted to talk,

(04:40):
but she said she wasn't ready. I texted her about
pouring out the booze, which triggered her. She started yelling
that I've got drawling. I confronted her about hanging out
with the guy despite her boundary discussion in counseling. She
said he happened to be there. Whoa She's supposed to do?
I asked why she called him? Then she had no
good answer. She stormed off to a neighbors, came back

(05:03):
and went to bed. She hasn't really talked to me
since about a week ago, yikes, and still hasn't addressed
her behavior. She's telling people I'm the a hole for
involving the kids.

Speaker 3 (05:14):
How did nope?

Speaker 2 (05:15):
He involved the kids? I apologized over text the next
day for acting impulsively, but she never responded. Is this
marriage of fourteen years worth saving? I love her and
my family dearly, but am I being a chump? I
want to keep fighting for my family unit, but can't
continue being run over when she crosses my boundaries And
there is an update?

Speaker 3 (05:34):
Folks, she's cheating?

Speaker 2 (05:36):
What do you think? I think she's cheating on you. I
think she's cheating on you. I also think that she's
going through a very like a big crisis concerning her
like drinking habits, which is another thing that DA absolutely
needs to be addressed. And I think because she's the
parent of your children, like you can have a conversation
about that and say that you're worried and you know
you need to see some change.

Speaker 3 (05:58):
Yeah, yeah, especially when that's what she did to him
at the beginning. It was like, hey, dude, you need
to clean up your act, and he did.

Speaker 2 (06:05):
And then you went to therapy. So I think you
can do a little uno reverse here. But I also
think I don't know if this marriage, you know, I
think you guys went to therapy and it didn't get better.
Like normally, our advice would be if it's you know,
not doing well, if you guys have had a long marriage.
Go to therapy. See how that goes.

Speaker 3 (06:23):
Like you aren't into therapy?

Speaker 2 (06:24):
Yeah, and it's not. It hasn't got better. She's still
maybe cheating on you with the same guy. After our
big fight, we had a week cool down period. I
left for a business trip. Then she left for the
weekend with our son for a planned trip to a
girlfriend's birthday party. We only talked about logistics over text
while she was away. I had friends over for a
pool party and played golf. Fine not to be alone.

(06:46):
I also reached out to my network for advice. She
called and told me she loved me. I said I
loved her too. The next day she facetiming, clearly intoxicated,
acting like everything was normal. She got home Monday afternoon.
The house was spotless inside, but she found pool toys
not put away, and the girl cover off for her.
Everything was a mess. That's my parents. Our dog had

(07:10):
a weird neck infection I hadn't noticed, which was also
my faults. She finally asked if I wanted to talk,
so we agreed to dinner at a restaurant. Keep in mind,
we hadn't talked about our huge fight for almost ten
days and she hadn't addressed the guy situation. The first
thing she said was staff talking to my friends about
our dirty laundry. It's embarrassing. It's between you, me and

(07:31):
the therapist. Then she admitted she screwed up meeting the
guy and had an inappropriate emotional affair with them. But
also she said that despite being hopeful coming back from
her trip, when she saw the mess and the dog,
she knew I'd never change and she wants to separate.
I had very little to say as I was processing everything.
We had a pre planned couple's therapy session two days later.

(07:55):
The therapist asked what we wanted out of the meeting.
We both said a path forward. I finally got to
express my emotion, saying I was angry about being gas
lit for so long, accused of being jealous and controlling
when I wasn't wrong. I was angry. We wasted time
in counseling predicated on a lie. I told her I

(08:16):
was willing to go to heck and back with her,
that this was heck, but I still wanted to try
for our kid's sake. Unfortunately, she didn't want to try.
I've concluded she's toxic. And I have to separate. Yeah,
I want to punish her, but no, that won't help,
and we'll only hurt our kids. I also found text
messages from some random guy she met the night before

(08:36):
our counseling session. He asked for coffee and she said
she'd cut it right now, but to hit her up
when he gets back from a trip. I wish her
peace and hope she finds it, but I can't let
myself and our kids be subjected to her internal struggles anymore.
And folks, there's a second update. Boy, oh boy, how
big a golfing again? Yeah, and went golfing and I wan.

Speaker 3 (09:01):
And now they're everything's okay again.

Speaker 2 (09:03):
Oh and they're back together and they love their kids.

Speaker 3 (09:05):
And no one has a drinking problem.

Speaker 2 (09:06):
No one has a drinking problem.

Speaker 3 (09:08):
We don't even need to read it.

Speaker 2 (09:10):
Guys. That's the end of that story and the end
of the.

Speaker 3 (09:12):
St Oh boy kidding, Oh boy? Man?

Speaker 2 (09:18):
Uh no, there's there's more. And I fear that it's
only going to get worse. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (09:22):
No, I just don't see how it could get better,
or or maybe we're we've jumped into the future. They're
divorced now and he's happy. Yeah, he found his golf girl.
He believes women can golf now.

Speaker 2 (09:35):
And she's with the golf guy that she's been with
the whole time.

Speaker 3 (09:38):
You're at different golf courses though, so there's no bad
golf p one.

Speaker 2 (09:42):
Oh that's that. You need that, Yeah, you need that.
Update two. I met with a lawyer this Friday and
immediately engaged him. I was transparent with my wife about
meeting with him. He's really good and approaches everything from
a sympathetic perspective. It's what do you want with a partner.
I don't want to fight. I want to be amicable,
and both passed this quickly. On the way there, she

(10:02):
sent me a long, almost poetic text, pouring her heart
out about everything. She's tired of hard life, parenting, not
feeling connection, loneliness. She loves me, but she's tired and
doesn't think I can love her the way she wants.
It was the first time she felt truly open and honest.
It hurt, but I told her my truth that it

(10:24):
hurts me that she's hurting, and I wish I could
go back and fix everything. I acknowledged my role, but
explained we'd had major life events in the past two years,
I wasn't myself and I was working to be the
best version of myself. I held strong and finished by
saying I hoped she'd find what she was looking for,
and I was sorry I wasn't enough. Later that day,

(10:45):
while working from my home office reviewing an email to
my attorney approaching approving him to file Monday, my wife
stopped by. She said she'd had a long conversation with
her sister, who went through similar struggles and a trial
separation worked for them. She asked, what I thought, Joe,
Now we have this whole switch up. Girl was like,
I don't even want to try and work on this.

(11:07):
And then she comes back and says, I talked to
my sister more like she talked to the guy that
she was cheating with and he said, I don't want
to be with you. Yeah, and she went, oops, yeah,
I better go back to you know, second best.

Speaker 3 (11:18):
He started training a new golfer and.

Speaker 2 (11:21):
He said, you're not You're not in bed anymore.

Speaker 3 (11:25):
You don't you don't.

Speaker 2 (11:26):
Have any any child prodigy vibes like this young kid
I'm teaching. You're not the show stick with Owen Wilson.
You asked what I thought, I said, I was unsure,
but not immediately against it. I planned to process it
in therapy Saturday. That night, we had friends over for dinner.
It was cortchial and we all sat together with the kids.

(11:46):
After everyone left and the kids were in bed, we
sat on separate couches in the living room in the dark,
with only a salt lamp shining. Why did you specify
that it was a salt lamp. We talked about random
stuff and it felt good like old time. It was hard,
but I went to my separate room after saying good night. Wait.
I texted that I was sorry I didn't say I
loved her, and she responded she was sorry too, that

(12:10):
she felt connection but wanted more. Saturday, I was out
early massage, therapy, appointment errands while she dealt with the kids.
In therapy, I discussed the separation proposal. My therapist said
trial separation often means true separation with no boundaries, and
if I wanted to do it, we'd need agreed upon rules.

(12:33):
I said I'd think about it later. That afternoon, I
got home to an empty house and jumped into the
pool to float and meditate. My wife came home and
her swimsuit from the club pool with kids. She'd been drinking,
and I was upset she drove them home. Yikes.

Speaker 3 (12:48):
Okay, so here's like the main root of most of
your problems, drinking.

Speaker 2 (12:53):
She's still drinking, and nothing can be fixed if she's
still gonna be drinking. And also, I'm sorry the second
my partner drives our kids while under the influence, I'm
taking them away from her forever.

Speaker 4 (13:08):
Yeah, that's like, or at least until you get out
of dog, get out of like.

Speaker 2 (13:13):
You cannot be around these kids until you get help. Yeah.
She got in the pool and we talked for She
told me she ran into the guy's wife at the pool,
who correct cornered her, asking if she'd seen my text messages.
My wife said yes, but denied any wrongdoing and made
me look like the jealous, crazy guy. She said she
doesn't want to ruin another family. She asked how therapy went,

(13:34):
which led to discussing separation. I told her I wasn't
comfortable opening up the marriage. She didn't say much, but
it was obvious that wasn't what she hoped for. This
is crazy. Don't open up the relationship. Absolutely not. She's
already got the man that she wants to be right.

Speaker 3 (13:49):
She's been in an open relationship you have.

Speaker 2 (13:52):
We talked in circles. Then she started bringing up the
past and saying extremely hurtful things that I'm not a
good father, She's disgusted during spicy sleep and fantasize is
about other men. If she's not going to enjoy spicy sleep,
she might as well do it with someone rich. She
said this was her personality, that she's a faith beard,
and I knew that when I married her. I'm sorry

(14:15):
the golf.

Speaker 3 (14:15):
You don't have enough money for her golfing habits.

Speaker 2 (14:19):
She told you that when you when you guys got married,
which is kind of like the biggest, one of the
biggest monogamous celebrations you can have. She said, you should
have known that I was going to go cheat on
you when we got married.

Speaker 3 (14:35):
She put it in her vows.

Speaker 2 (14:37):
You should have known. I was shocked, but didn't defend myself.
I thought of my kids and told her she had
three options. One complete reset, let go of the pass
and try again. Two trial separation with strict boundaries, or
three divorce. We finished the conversation there. She stayed in
the pool and continued drinking while I went to a

(14:57):
friend's to talk. I started crying. When I got back
that night, she was still in the pool with a girlfriend,
quite intoxicated. I knew then it was over. Her marriage
was ending, her family breaking apart, Her kids would adjust
to a new normal, our friend network would blow up,
and she seemed excited about partying. On Saturday night, I

(15:17):
went to bed and texted her that it was over
and I couldn't be married to her anymore. I stood
up for myself, countered almost everything she said, and told
her I deserved better. I didn't attack her, but said
she was shallow for her comments. Sunday, I was out
most of the morning, driving around making peace with my decision.
I had lunch with a friend who validated everything I'd done.

(15:39):
It felt good. It breaks my heart. She's in such
a dark place, but I can't continue like this. I
took my friends to the car. I took my kids
to the arcade and dinner, enjoying their joy, purity, and innocence.
I'm a great father and proud of them. They'll get
through this, and so why I probably won't update for
a while. I appreciate everyone's comments. They've been super helpful.

(16:02):
I can't believe everything broke down so quickly. But I
have too many reasons to divorce her, and I've given
her the benefit of the doubt too long. I tried
to reconcile and she wouldn't. But there is a little
bit left to this story. Do you have any final thoughts?

Speaker 3 (16:18):
No, they're gonna get divorced. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (16:21):
Yes, this has been on the track for divorce since
the beginning of the story. I mean, she cheated on you.
She was cheating on you the whole time. She doesn't
like you, she's got a drinking problem. It's not much
holding this marriage together.

Speaker 3 (16:36):
No. I could see that maybe if they had just
she had just worked on the drinking, that maybe could
have resolved exactly.

Speaker 2 (16:45):
But it feels like they just didn't really focus on
the main problem, or he didn't know how to get her.

Speaker 3 (16:50):
To Yeah, and he was also in his own stuff
from his dad and his dad.

Speaker 2 (16:55):
I know, based on most people's experiences, she'll regret her decision,
but that's the fragility of life. Decisions can be so consequential.
I hope she finds peace, but that won't be possible
until she addresses her internal struggles. I filed for divorce yesterday.
Thank you all for your strength and support. I'm ready

(17:16):
to not see her for a while, though I know
I'll have to co parent. Not sure how custody will
play out, but I'll definitely be asking for appropriate safeguards
if needed to protect our kids. I found something concerning
and I had to ask if the affair got physical.
She said, not like that, and it's probably nothing. What
do you mean, not like that?

Speaker 3 (17:36):
I need more in details, please get physical?

Speaker 2 (17:38):
Not like that?

Speaker 3 (17:39):
What tell me what you found that You had to
ask that?

Speaker 2 (17:42):
Truly? Yeah, not like that. I scheduled an stdtails. The
fact I have to think about this stuff is messed up.

Speaker 3 (17:49):
My husband changed after we had our baby. Now he
wants out.

Speaker 2 (17:54):
Your baby cast a curse on him.

Speaker 3 (17:56):
My husband, thirty seven, and I thirty two, have been
together for six years total. We met in October of
twenty twelve, dated for four years, got engaged and married
in August of twenty sixteen. I'll never forget that moment.
He threw his arms around me and we both cried
tears of happiness. We weren't planning on kids that soon,

(18:17):
but what the heck right? We were in love. Had
bought a house in twenty fourteen, and life happens when
it happens. By the way, this comes from uugh, Hi
don't care, and if you want to submit your own stories,
go to the r slash okay storytime subreddit. A difficult
pregnancy and brutal fourth trimester later, you could say times
have been trying, but I never thought it would be

(18:37):
the end. Our baby girl is now eighteen months old
and the best thing to ever happen to us. We've
always been fast movers, met, fell in love, moved in together,
got a dog, the whole thing. Things moved quickly, but
it was never bad. So I was pretty floored when
I came home from work on the last day before
the holidays to find him telling me he wanted a separation.

(18:58):
I was devastated. I fell apart on the living room
floor while he played with our daughter and made her dinner.
I tried to ask questions, tried to understand, but where
most people would be gentle, he was detached. The words
that cut the deepest. He loved me, he just wasn't
in love with me. I could go out and cheat
on him and he probably wouldn't care. There was absolutely

(19:21):
no one else this wasn't new for him. He just
didn't know how to deal with it. He didn't know
if he wanted to even try to fix the marriage,
because for him, the marriage wasn't happy. Then I asked
what a while meant since we'd only been married for
two years.

Speaker 2 (19:38):
Jeez.

Speaker 3 (19:39):
He gave a time frame that lined up perfectly with
the baby. All of it lined up with the pregnancy
and birth. To me, this was the clear catalyst. Yes
we had issues before, but they'd been accelerated by the baby.
According to him, I wore him down. My pregnancy wore
him down. He became the care taker and I was

(20:01):
the patient. I controlled him after the baby was born
because I had postpartum anxiety and couldn't handle being a
stay at home mom, so I'd hand the baby off
to him when I needed breaks. Here's the thing. I
looked back through our texts, emails, everything I could find
to gain objective clarity on how I treated him, and

(20:21):
I'll admit I was controlling. I could could I have
been better?

Speaker 2 (20:26):
Sure?

Speaker 3 (20:27):
But I was also drowning in baby spit up and
front airbag milk, dealing with residual pregnancy ailments, pelvis misalignment
carpal tunnel, blood loss. I was trying to survive. I
didn't think my needs and the baby's needs would break
a marriage that had literally just begun. The last two
months have been a complete rollercoaster. We went to two

(20:51):
couples counseling sessions, but he decided he wasn't in the
headspace and continued therapy alone. I later found no, no,
it was because we were seeing a pro marriage counselor
and he didn't want the marriage to work. Wow. We
went from k needing space and saying he didn't want
a divorce to claiming that there's no chance to fix this.

(21:13):
He hasn't moved out. Instead, we flow around as roommates.
He sleeps in the basement and hates it, but not
enough to actively look for a new place. His main
concern is keeping our daughter's schedule exactly the same. He
doesn't want to lose time with her, and neither do I.
But the fact is he will, we both will. She'll

(21:36):
have each parent fifty percent less of the time, and
nothing breaks my heart more. What I don't understand is
if he's so miserable and convinced this is the end,
why isn't he high tailing it out of here. He's
dragging his feet saying. Saying you want out and actually
doing it are two different things. I guess at night

(21:56):
he just leaves. He doesn't do bedtime with the baby
most nights. When I'd ask where he was going, he'd
get defensive, which raised my suspicions about another woman. He
works remotely, which unlived us when I was a stay
at home mom. Too much time in each other's space,
so he doesn't have much contact with outside people. But

(22:17):
suddenly he's hanging out with male coworkers I've never met,
staying out until midnight. Completely different behavior than he's ever exhibited,
even pre marriage. When he got frustrated one time, he said,
I honestly wish there was someone else, because then there'd
be an explanation. I want him to stay and work
on our marriage because one we haven't tried, and two

(22:39):
we owe it to the tiny human we made and
the commitment we made to each other. And three life
is full of seasons. Some are just harder than others.
I want to look back and say we tried and
made it, not that we didn't try and will never
know if it could have been okay, But if he
doesn't want to work on it. There's no hope. As

(22:59):
he's so eloquently put it, I shouldn't have to be
convinced to stay married to you. The worst part is
that I didn't want this. I didn't choose this. It
takes two people to get married, but only one to
get divorced. I feel like I failed that I handled
my first pregnancy wrong. Maybe if I'd been easier to
deal with, complained less, hadn't asked him to be my

(23:22):
support so much, this would all be different if you
hadn't asked him to be your husband.

Speaker 2 (23:26):
Yeah, if you hadn't asked him to help parent your child, girl, No,
he's just not the right person, which sucks. But I mean,
when you have a kid, you've got to be ready
for anything, and that a lot of times for women,
you know, or for people who are having babies, there's
going to be a really big change that can lead
to a lot of medical complications, and I think, as

(23:48):
like a partner, you have to be aware of that
and ready has to bear the child. You don't have
to do anything. If you're having a kid with someone
and you're not the one who can get pregnant, you
don't have to do anything with you your bodies, so
like your partner as much as possible.

Speaker 3 (24:04):
I look at happy families on social media, friends announcing
second pregnancy, and I well up with sadness. I went
to Carter's and saw a toddler shirt that said everyone
loves a big system. It made me think, how that's
not in our cards anymore. We were planning a life
actively looking at houses two months ago, and now I'm here.
He doesn't wear his ring, so I took mine off too.

(24:26):
I didn't want to, but I didn't want to look
like a fool. Our marriage ended before we even truly
began as a married couple, after seven years and the
life we started to build. It really sucks to feel
like the person you chose forever with doesn't choose you back,
and worst of all, won't even try.

Speaker 2 (24:42):
It does so, and I don't want to like equivolate,
equivoc what equivocate this to? Like a relationship when you're
not married. You know, there're our differences and stuff, But
I think it just always sucks when you're in a
relationship and you've been in it for a while and
then find out that your partner just doesn't have the
same feelings and it really, it really sucks. But that

(25:04):
doesn't mean that you're not going to find someone who
does share your feelings. It just means that this person
isn't one, And.

Speaker 3 (25:11):
I mean better you've found out sooner than later. I
have an update. About a month after posting this, I
found his old phone tucked in the car's side pocket.
When I brought it inside to charge it. I immediately
connected to our WiFi and I accessed his logged in
Gmail account. I searched for his best friend, Jess's email.

(25:34):
I knew if anyone knew what was really going on,
she would. Sure enough, there it was an email titled
The Letter Sent to Jess, detailing everything. We text a
lot every day, a lot. We hang out consistently. Of
course we've had spicy sleep. Reading that line, my heart
fell to my stomach. It's the feeling you get when

(25:56):
you realize your whole life just shattered beneath your feet.
He was giving King Jess context for a letter he'd transcribed,
apparently from a physical letter this girl had given him.
Reading her words, I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry.
It was so wrought with puppy love stroking his ego.

(26:16):
You've been through so much, how could you possibly find
me interesting? The girl is twenty five, My husband is
thirty seven and lives in Federal Hill. They apparently have
sports in common, and she gets him. After finding the email,
I called my lawyer, immediately moved half of our shared

(26:36):
savings into my account, and met my friend for a
noon Manhattan. When I mentioned her age, my friend stopped,
took off his glasses, and rubbed his eyes. She isn't
twenty six, she's twenty five. How did he know? Turns
out my husband had mentioned this girl to him months prior,
saying he wouldn't mind being with a twenty five year

(26:57):
old if she was an old soul, and that he'd
been propositioned by a twenty five year old that week
and it was tempting. We went back to the car
and I looked in his phone's trash folder greenshots he'd
taken of her Instagram. There she was, petite, blonde, smiling
and carefree. A photo of her at a table with

(27:19):
wine and dessert. Her Instagram handle was her full name,
making it easy to google her. LinkedIn revealed she was
his coworker. He would later correct me when I guessed
her weight at one hundred pounds one oh five. He
said he had asked her real nice considering my body
insecurities pre and post baby. I stayed away most of

(27:41):
that day, gathering evidence. Coming home before bedtime, I tried
to stay composed as I changed our nineteen month olds diaper.
I could hear him trimming his beard in the bath.
He put on a crisp white shirt he just bought.
It was so obvious this whole time. I just didn't
want to believe it. The signs were all there, phone

(28:03):
held close, never leaving his sight, new shoes, new clothes,
gym trips with no actual gym visit, late night outings,
and defensiveness when questioned, randomly bringing up cheating in songs
and shows, shopping trips but never bringing anything home. Yeah, dude,
come on, He's like.

Speaker 2 (28:22):
Well, just just a question, totally hypothetical. What would you
do if I it's before he cheats, is playing and
he's like, what would you do if I.

Speaker 3 (28:38):
Dig your key into the side of much would you
do that? I bet the whole troll Bridge to the
Witch was a lie to I'm.

Speaker 2 (28:49):
If I cheated on.

Speaker 3 (28:50):
You, gas lighting so much gaslighting, long gaps between text responses,
racing upstairs to shower car, his back seats reclined just
a little too far. Then there was the work conference
in Florida in early February, where he never picked up
my FaceTime calls, always an excuse in the elevator, call

(29:12):
you back finishing breakfast work iPhone passed away. Hold on
what a fool I was. He had her in bed
with him all five nights while I woke up alone
caring for our daughter and crying, wondering why my husband
suddenly wanted a separation.

Speaker 2 (29:28):
I don't even like I think that these are all
very obvious signs. However, I do want to be a
little bit gentle with op because she was literally going
through like postpartum depression and seat preparation for a baby,
taking care of her baby alone, like she doesn't really
have time to think about whether or not her husband
is cheating.

Speaker 3 (29:46):
On her, and that's not typically at the front of
people's minds when they're in a supposed happy relationship with
a child. I even changed my work schedule to work
from home Fridays, thinking he needed to get out of
our basement office and be around people. I gave him
just enough rope to climb away from me without realizing
it cut to bedtime. He came into the nursery as

(30:08):
I sat reading to her daughter. Funny Thing, the book
she chose was about flowers who felt grounded but wanted
to be butterflies. A fairy granted their wish, but they
realized it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
The grass isn't always greener, so they became flowers again,
appreciating their strength. The irony was palpable. After putting her

(30:32):
to bed, I traced her button nose, cupped her cherrub cheek,
like every night, but knowing this night would be different.
She gazed up as I whispered a promise I'll never break,
that Mama would take care of her no matter what,
that she would always come first, that I'd raise her
with the heart of a lion, and she would know
her worth. She smiled, completely unaware, and tears rolled down

(30:55):
my cheeks.

Speaker 2 (30:57):
So sorry, it's just like describing those heartbreaking scenarios. Yeah,
I'm devastated.

Speaker 3 (31:05):
Downstairs, he was puttering in the kitchen and quickly asked
if I had plans. When I said no, he cut
me off, saying he was going out. I asked if
we could talk first. He sat down, with all the
emotion of a fifteen year old being held against his
will at the dinner table, even saying yes, Mom, ew.

Speaker 2 (31:25):
You freak, don't even talk to me.

Speaker 3 (31:27):
I didn't know you already had two children. You could
have gotten your daughter, the big sister. Sure after all. Unbelievable.

Speaker 2 (31:38):
He's a little child. I don't like this man.

Speaker 3 (31:42):
I'm glad you're getting divorced from him.

Speaker 2 (31:44):
Yeah, honestly, he said, for you.

Speaker 3 (31:45):
I looked him directly in the face and told him
I knew everything. I knew there was someone else, that
she worked with him, where she lived, what her name was,
that everything had been a lie. He went into ultra
defensive mode. Okay, is that all you wanted to talk about?
I said, I wanted him out of the house. He

(32:06):
grabbed some things and walked out, with one glance thrown
my way, a look I couldn't decipher, shame, regret, anger.
I didn't know, because I didn't know who he was anymore.
The front door shut behind him. I sat on the
couch and stared at it, then looked up at the fan,
studying the blades. The house was quiet, a stillness I'd

(32:27):
never felt before. My resolve cracked, and the emotions I'd
held in all day started pushing at the corners of
my eyes. I let out two short breaths to prepare
for the onslaught, then fell to pieces. But now, unlike before,
there was no one there to care. I don't think
I've ever felt so alone. The following months were a

(32:48):
haze of trickle truth. He wasn't in love with her.
Okay fine, she said it, but he didn't. Okay fine.
He set it back.

Speaker 2 (32:58):
Oh okay. So he's like, I'm not in love with her.

Speaker 3 (33:00):
Okay fine, she said it.

Speaker 2 (33:04):
I didn't see it back. Okay fine, we.

Speaker 3 (33:07):
Both said it.

Speaker 2 (33:08):
Shoo me.

Speaker 3 (33:10):
He wasn't unfaithful until after asking for separation. Okay fine
he was.

Speaker 2 (33:15):
Okay fine, I show up with her when we had
our kid.

Speaker 3 (33:20):
They didn't have unprotected spicy sleep. You guessed it, Okay, fine,
they did. He wasn't still talking to her. Prove it. No,
I can't look at his phone. The final punter. She
hadn't meant our daughter. Okay, yes she had.

Speaker 2 (33:38):
That's diabolical. I hate this girl. She sucks too. I
mean he sucks the worst. But like twenty you know,
she's old enough to know better. Twenty five year old
a year from now for me finds out that are like.
She meets this guy, knows he's married, meets his baby,
and is like, yeah, this is mortally fine. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (34:00):
I couldn't handle any more lies. We got more, but
this guy needed.

Speaker 2 (34:05):
To be done. I need the relationship to be over with.
And uh, that's I succeed my time. Me too. That's
just my complete advice.

Speaker 3 (34:16):
There's nothing else to say.

Speaker 2 (34:17):
Divorce.

Speaker 3 (34:18):
Yeah, what you guys are doing? Uh he's gone this
weekend for his grandfather's funeral. If I hadn't seen his
sister's Facebook posts, I'd have guessed it was another lie.
I'm looking forward to no communication. I'll only message about
our daughter when he prompts for pictures or updates. I
have nothing left in me. I stood in his closet

(34:39):
the other night, slowly looking over shirts still hanging there,
wondering which ones he wore with her. Why wasn't I enough? Well,
you're beating yourself up though. Why wasn't this the life
we built over? Why wasn't the life we built over
seven years enough? How could someone do this to their
family and break someone without a glance back at the
destruction they left. I still wake up at five am

(35:02):
picturing her next to him in that hotel bed. There's
something incredibly intimate about falling asleep with someone and waking
up beside them. Did they have room service, showered together?
All of it reveals a vulnerability, and it cuts to
the core that he shared that with her. I wonder
if he likes that she's smaller, younger, without stretch marks
from carrying a pregnancy for nine months. Oh do they

(35:25):
talk about me? Am I the controlling wife? Is he
the poor shackled husband? Did they pretend to be a
little family when he introduced her to my daughter? In
the end, I know that years from now I'll look
back and shake my head, wondering how I ever put
up with his lies and cruelty. But for now I'll
pick up the pieces, slowly but surely of the life

(35:45):
I thought I had.

Speaker 2 (35:46):
That's so sad.

Speaker 1 (35:48):
Hey, it's Sam. We're gonna get back to these stories.
But here's three of us of ads from our sponsors
that keep the show alive.

Speaker 3 (35:53):
My sister in law said awful things about me, so
I'm removing her from my wedding.

Speaker 5 (35:59):
Bye bye.

Speaker 3 (36:00):
I twenty five female, have been with my now fiance
at twenty six male for a little over a year.
He proposed to me back in early March, and ever
since I have felt that my sister in law twenty
three female has begun to dislike me. I found out
that a few days before my fiance proposed, my sister
in law overheard the conversation he was having with my

(36:22):
mother in law about my ring and then the proposal,
and completely exploded on him. She told him how it
was too soon and that she was supposed to be
the one to get engaged first. My fiance and I
had many conversations about marriage and we felt getting engaged
after a year was perfect for us. My sister in
law has been with her boyfriend twenty one male for

(36:44):
a little over two years. By the way, this comes
from Diligent Inflation five and if you want to submit
your own stories, go to the r slash Okay storytime subreddit.
I'm Carly, I'm Keon, and I'm Dakota and opisas I
can say anything to her about this because I didn't
think it was my place and I figured his family

(37:05):
would have a conversation with her. Apparently there was a conversation,
but when she texted my fiance later, she basically told
him that she was happy for him, but was still
standing firm on how she felt. Fast forward to June.
I had been wanting to talk to her about why
there's been a shift in her behavior towards me, but
didn't know how she shot me down when I asked

(37:28):
if she wanted to come wedding dress shopping in May.
She watches all of my stuff on Instagram, but never
likes anything, and she's never told me congratulations. I decided
yesterday to reach out to her, and when I did,
I prefaced that I wasn't trying to attack her or argue.
I just wanted to have an open conversation about how

(37:49):
she's feeling. I genuinely wish that I would have just
left it alone, because she quite literally exploded on me.

Speaker 5 (37:57):
He Bloom.

Speaker 3 (37:57):
She told me that I've been disrespect and dismissive of
her boyfriend and parents on multiple occasions. She then went
on to insinuate that I was probably going to divorce
her brother and break his heart, and that she would
be the one to pick up all the pieces and
lift him up in life, and finish it off by
confirming that she does talk about me behind my back

(38:20):
because she hasn't seen me in her house to confront me.
I responded to all of her points, just expressing that
I've never been disrespectful and her saying those things about
her brother and I were heartbreaking. I also reiterated that
we are different ages, so what makes sense for us
probably won't always make sense for her. She then doubled

(38:40):
down while beginning to curse at me, and said that
we have a higher chance of getting divorced since I
wanted to rush into marriage and the only reason I
wanted to get engaged was because I heard her and
her boyfriend argue about it twenty four to seven. This
isn't matter, boyfriend will proposed to her.

Speaker 5 (38:57):
Yeah, I'll be like listen.

Speaker 3 (38:59):
Youngin saying that, like I will say those saying that
there's at such different places in life when she's twenty
three versus twenty five, Like, oh, Pete, you're really not
that far off.

Speaker 5 (39:08):
But sure, yeah, once you get the twenty three to
twenty five jump is pretty big.

Speaker 3 (39:12):
But I feel like after twenty five is when you
really start to hit the like, whoa, I understand thing.

Speaker 5 (39:18):
Yeah, I feel like this this child, well nun child,
but twenty three year the young in these young in
it just thinks she knows everything. That's what it is.
She's like, I know everything. I'm old enough now and
i know everything. I'm all knowing. Yeah, she's just upset
that her boyfriend won't proposed to her.

Speaker 3 (39:34):
One and her boyfriend who's twenty one.

Speaker 5 (39:37):
Yeah, two, she's just jealous, so she's just projecting.

Speaker 3 (39:40):
Yeah, i'd be like that sucks hardcore projection.

Speaker 5 (39:44):
Yeah, it sounds like you're just a little jelly. He
sounds like an issue, not an ish me, honey.

Speaker 3 (39:49):
And this could totally go either way. I feel like too,
Like I get one hundred percent seeing uh opiece fiance
brother of the siblings be like, well I'm older, like
it makes sense for me to be first, and then
also being like, but I've been with him longer, and like, sure,
valid complaints from both sides, get over it.

Speaker 5 (40:06):
I've been like, what's stopping you? Right, what's stopping.

Speaker 3 (40:08):
You tell your boyfriend to do it?

Speaker 5 (40:10):
Though you can do it, I'm not gonna stop you, right,
But now I'm not gonna go to your wedding because
you said all those really mean.

Speaker 3 (40:15):
Things, untwist your panties. Just to preface, my fiance and
I got engaged after a year and will be getting
married after two years. We will also be living together
starting in December. She was really upset about the age
thing and even said that I accused her boyfriend of
bringing another girl home. Conversation was me asking if he
had a sister, since neither myself nor my fiance knew

(40:39):
who she was, and once she confirmed that that was
the end of the conversation. She called me delusional and
weird and finished off her message by saying, my point
is I'm only going to the wedding to support my brother.

Speaker 5 (40:52):
Then I'd be like, you're not going to the wedding.

Speaker 3 (40:55):
I immediately blocked her on everything good because I felt
the entire thing was talk.

Speaker 5 (41:00):
I would well, I would have shown maybe take screenshots.

Speaker 3 (41:03):
Talk with your fiance.

Speaker 5 (41:04):
Talk with your fiance, be like, listen, why is she
like this in Yeah, do you want to have a
talk with her?

Speaker 3 (41:09):
Yeah, maybe you should talk to her about this one, buddy,
she's your sibling.

Speaker 2 (41:12):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (41:13):
I told my fiance that I don't want her at
the wedding. Because there's no way she thinks she can
speak to me like this and still think she's invited.
I've even been considering trashing the micro wedding idea and
just eloping. I also sent the entire conversation to my
mother in law because I didn't want there to be
any question on if what I was saying was true

(41:34):
or just me twisting words. Now, because of this, my
mother in law told them both my fiance and sister
in law that they have to come over next week
for a family meeting, so I'll see how that goes.
Part of me is upset that I even said anything,
because I genuinely wanted to resolve this whole thing, but
the other half is happy because now I know what

(41:55):
I've been feeling this whole time. Wasn't just in my
head anyways?

Speaker 2 (42:00):
Am I the a hole?

Speaker 3 (42:01):
We have an update?

Speaker 5 (42:02):
No? No, the fact that like you tried to squash
the beef or like try and figure out hey, like
what's why are you being like this? And then she
was like, well, so I have a list and it's
all because you.

Speaker 3 (42:13):
Suck without having a single conversation, and then being like, well,
you haven't been around for me to confront you.

Speaker 5 (42:18):
Okay, I've tried to why I reached out right now
you have apparently a plethora of things that let me
know that.

Speaker 3 (42:28):
Also showing how much sister in law is not an
adult and not ready for super adult.

Speaker 5 (42:32):
Yeah, all, I can't handle this. Well I'm hearing is
waw but that sucks, dude.

Speaker 3 (42:39):
But we have an update. Anyways, they had their family
meeting at the beginning of July and I was not
present for this. My fiance filled me in on a
lot of what was said, and in my opinion, it
went better than I expected. Okay, it went better in
the sense that my in laws tried to put my
sister in law in my shoes. Okay, So there were

(42:59):
a lot of questions of how would you feel if
she said that to you? Or how would you feel
if someone was treating you this way? With these questions,
she had no real answer, so no real progress there.
To me, that shows that she knows her behavior is
bad enough that she wouldn't want to be treated that way,
but not enough that she understands that she shouldn't treat

(43:20):
me that way or anyone else. My fiance told me
that my mother in law told her if she had
to choose between her fiance slash future and her piece
of you know what, sister, she would choose her fiance
every time. They even asked my sister in law, if
it was reversed and my fiance was treating her that way,
what would she choose, and she immediately said her boyfriend.

(43:44):
So again there is an understanding that she would never
want to be treated that way, but not enough to
not do it to others. It is so dumb. It's
like double standard.

Speaker 5 (43:53):
It's a double standard. So it's like tupulus ducalus four right, yes,
so it's four minus two.

Speaker 6 (43:59):
No, I don't.

Speaker 3 (43:59):
I can't doesn't compute.

Speaker 5 (44:01):
I can't. I can't do that.

Speaker 3 (44:04):
What I was told that my in laws were and
still are upset about the situation, so they were dressing
her behavior. But I'm not sure how extensively. I know
there are probably a lot of other details that I'm
not aware of, simply because I wasn't there, and my
fiance tried his best to relay everything back to me.

(44:24):
At the end of the conversation, my in laws asked
if I would be willing to sit down with everyone
and have a conversation on how we can move forward. Initially,
I was extremely hesitant this was a sign, but eventually
I decided it could possibly be a good thing and
we could potentially move forward. Although I was still standing
firm in not wanting her at the wedding, my sister

(44:46):
in law wanted to wait until her boyfriend got back,
so we had to wait for that. Fast forward to
last Thursday. My fiance told me that my sister in
law texted him saying they were doing a lunch on
Sunday yesterday and that everyone was invited. I figured this
was going to be the meeting that my in laws
were wanting to have. I told my fiance that although
I was pretty nervous about the whole thing, I was

(45:08):
willing to go because I genuinely just wanted the whole
thing to be done. It has taken a lot out
of me emotionally and mentally, and so I was ready
to find a way to move forward. So we get there.
My fiance and sister in law shared apartment, and I
will admit that it was awkward. I felt like I
was going to throw up before we walked in from

(45:29):
the anxiety, so I was not having a good time.
I spoke to everyone and hugged my in laws, but
I didn't speak to my sister in law, mainly because
I didn't know if she would take it poorly, and
I also didn't really want to. My sister in law's boyfriend,
Absolute Angel, cooked lunch, which was really nice, and so
for a bit things were calm and I was getting

(45:52):
a little more relaxed, but not one hundred percent good.

Speaker 5 (45:55):
That's how they get you, luring you. They're luring you in,
so are they going to pounce on you?

Speaker 3 (45:59):
After lunch when the talk slash meetings started, my in
laws basically mediated the whole thing. A lot of the
main points were they wanted things to get figured out
so it wouldn't always be like this. They didn't want
it to be uncomfortable for anyone. They want to be
able to get together for holidays and other things, especially
since kids will be in the picture sooner or later.

(46:20):
Most of the time, my sister in law wasn't really
interested in the conversation, but once she was, it just
kind of went downhill. A lot of her responses were
I'm not sorry, I said what I said. She started
it by sending me that long message. She made some
comments about how she was being nice because she didn't
start anything when I came in the house, which made

(46:40):
me feel like I couldn't really speak up, like it
was a warning that she was being nice, but that
she could flip at any moment. Anything that my in
law said was met with pretty much the same response
of I said what I said. There was a lot
of I don't want to be her best friend.

Speaker 5 (46:55):
We're not asking. I'm not asking to be my best friend.
I'm just be similar And why do you not like that?

Speaker 3 (47:02):
Yeah? Be just like a genuinely decent person, even though
no one even mentioned that or asked her to. And
she even told my mother in law that she didn't
want to share her family with anyone.

Speaker 2 (47:13):
What what?

Speaker 5 (47:14):
But did you want to you want to get married
to your boyfriend?

Speaker 3 (47:17):
What? News flash?

Speaker 5 (47:18):
At your projecting, your projecting, You are lame, not about you.

Speaker 3 (47:25):
My sister in law's boyfriend chimed in at one point
and brought up how I sent that message right when
they were going through a bad rough patch, which I
didn't know because it's not my business. But even with
that happening, it doesn't excuse her behavior at all.

Speaker 5 (47:39):
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3 (47:40):
Also, I bet their rough patch was just that op
got engaged.

Speaker 6 (47:43):
Why won't you marry me?

Speaker 3 (47:45):
Yeah? Mar to be that. It ultimately came to a
destructive end when my father in law brought up how
he would hope that eventually we could be on good
terms and that things might change. My sister in law said,
I mean, okay, yeah, eventually things could change. But right now,
I don't like this effing b I'm sorry. I was

(48:07):
so ready to be like, oh, like, things will be
civil enough that you can come to the wedding.

Speaker 5 (48:10):
No, now you doubled down definitely inviting you know who,
I am inviting your boyfriend. Yes, yes, I'm inviting your
boyfriend just to me.

Speaker 3 (48:18):
This is it. Took it for one, It is only
for you, boyfriend, And if sister in law shows up,
we have security.

Speaker 5 (48:24):
I'm sorry, who crapped in your cereal today? Like, let's
jump all the way to that well. I mean, it's crazy.
I think she was just like, I'm tired of this.
I don't want to be a part of this anymore.
I'm tired of this. I don't want to deal with
this conversation. I want to go have my boyfriend propose
to me.

Speaker 3 (48:40):
Girl. He might not after.

Speaker 5 (48:41):
This, I could you imagine.

Speaker 3 (48:43):
You imagine he stands up and he's like, actually, we
don't really have to worry about this. I'm out.

Speaker 5 (48:48):
Yeah, Could I come to the wedding?

Speaker 3 (48:49):
Though?

Speaker 5 (48:50):
I would literally bey, Hey, you want to?

Speaker 3 (48:52):
You wanna still come?

Speaker 5 (48:52):
Could I be the ring bear?

Speaker 3 (48:54):
You can officiate. I can't even tell you what everyone
said after that, because I was in a full blown
panic mode and had tunnel vision. I do remember my
mother in law saying wow, insert sister in law's name,
but that's about it. I left and went into my
fiance's bedroom because I had just reached my limit, and
I cried. After that, my fiance and sister in law

(49:16):
got into a screaming match, and I could hear my
in laws chiming in. But then my sister in law
started crying. I found out later this was because she
felt like everyone was attacking her.

Speaker 5 (49:27):
Oh my gosh.

Speaker 3 (49:28):
My fiance eventually came in to check on me and
told me that we could leave. He just wanted me
to take a moment to breathe and catch my breath.
We talked for a bit, and then my mother in
law asked to come in. She profusely apologized to me,
and although it's her daughter. She's still technically a grown
woman and is responsible for her own actions. I explained
to her that I don't know that I've done something

(49:50):
wrong unless it's communicated to me. And the only reason
I really knew that I had done something was because
I texted her trying to communicate, and it was taken poorly.

Speaker 5 (50:00):
I want to see how she has arguments with her boyfriend,
oh terribly. I want to see how they communicate.

Speaker 2 (50:04):
She's the one.

Speaker 3 (50:04):
She just sits there and he's like, what's wrong? Nothing? Nothing? Nothing,
nothing's wrong?

Speaker 5 (50:09):
Are you sure anything's wrong?

Speaker 2 (50:11):
No, I'm fine.

Speaker 5 (50:12):
I'm gonna go to the other room.

Speaker 2 (50:13):
But I'm fine.

Speaker 3 (50:14):
Just do your own thing. I just don't even talk
to me.

Speaker 5 (50:15):
I'm fine, Okay, I'm gonna go hang out with the boys.

Speaker 3 (50:18):
Okay, go do that slam it comes back? How dare
like screaming? No, that's the thing where like the second
he steps out the foot out the doors. I said
that I had no ill intent whatsoever with sending the message,
although I do understand how some things could have been
taken negatively or as a dig on her end, but
this is crazy.

Speaker 5 (50:39):
She's just cementing her case that one not coming to
the wedding. You're not coming to the wedding too. I
don't like you. Yeah, but you're gonna be seeing me
around often, so enjoy that. And if you want to
come at me, guess who's on my side? Yeah, everybody, everybody.

Speaker 3 (50:54):
This is one of those things too where I would
also kind of want to reiterate to like mother in law,
father in law, like I'll still come for Christmas. She
wants to deal with me, like she can decide if
she wants to come or not, but like I'll be there.

Speaker 5 (51:06):
Yeah, yeah, Emma says, no, wonder he has proposed, I
don't relationship.

Speaker 3 (51:11):
That man went home and had a deep thought in
the shower that night.

Speaker 5 (51:15):
My favorite thing was sister, what the heck are you doing?
And you're like, you are right.

Speaker 3 (51:24):
Because she knew she was losing. Just like, let me
turn the tears up.

Speaker 5 (51:27):
I'm a victim now because I suck.

Speaker 2 (51:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (51:32):
I told both my fiance and mother in law that
if I had any idea that this was how things
were going to go, I would have never said anything.
I told her. I appreciated the thought of trying to
help the situation, but at this point there was nothing
I could say or do that would make the situation better,
and I didn't feel comfortable staying, so we left. It's

(51:54):
a hot mess, and it honestly sucks that this is
how it played out, but that's where things are at
at the moment and probably will stay for quite a while,
So it is what it is. It goes without saying
that she definitely won't be at the wedding, and now
we're trying to decide if we want just our parents
there or if we want it to just be the
two of us.

Speaker 1 (52:13):
Hey, it's John here.

Speaker 2 (52:14):
We're gonna get back to the stories.

Speaker 1 (52:15):
Put a quick three minute ad break from our sponsors
that keep the show going.

Speaker 6 (52:18):
I had an argument with my mother. Now I'm considering
no contact.

Speaker 2 (52:22):
You're never gonna see me again.

Speaker 6 (52:24):
I'm forty, so there is a lot of history here.
Childhood was fine. My mom worked hard to support me
and my sister. We moved around a lot. Settled with
my now stepdad when I was ten. By the way,
this comes from user l EC two two five, and
if you want to submit your own story is go
to the oslash. Okay, storytime separated and Opie says there

(52:46):
were some hurtful things she told me that stand out,
such as she didn't want me, my dad did, and
then he left when I was eighteen months old. Ooh,
she loves me as I'm her daughter, but as a
person doesn't like me. I spent most of my twenties
trying to buy her affection. We are very different. She's
lived in the same town her whole life, very conservative, financially,

(53:08):
worked a nine to five job, retired at fifty three
to take care of my sister's little girl. I moved
to America, flitted around for years, and came back to
settle in England. When I was thirty. I met my husband,
set up a business which took off about an hour away.
We ended up together and we bought a house in
a nice village an hour away from the city I
grew up in. Now I'm married with two boys, five

(53:31):
and one. This is a huge point of contention. Every
conversation is if you lived closer, I could help with this,
I could do this or that, and blah blah blah,
even though time has shown that space works best for us.
The closer we are, the more we argue. We currently
FaceTime daily and I drive to see her once a
week with the kids. She hates that I don't have

(53:52):
a normal job and says I should be working a
nine to five and should live closer. We have had
several arguments in the past that have left two months
of no contact. Dang, and this got significantly better once
I had children, as my tolerance grew a lot.

Speaker 2 (54:08):
She's like, once I realized that my mother was just
a baby, everything was.

Speaker 6 (54:12):
Fine, silly baby, you're annoying relative. Say it once, I
say it a thousand times, silly baby, silly baby. I
would ignore most of the things that would usually cause
arguments after that, but we have had maybe two spells
since my first son was born. It is always me
that caves and goes back to contacting her. Now I've

(54:35):
had my second son. He is eighteen months, and she
will not have my kids overnight. I know grandparents are
under no obligation to, but it is hurtful that she
doesn't want to.

Speaker 2 (54:45):
What's crazy that she keeps saying, Oh, if you are closer,
I can help you so much, and then when you
need her help, she's like, no.

Speaker 6 (54:53):
They cannot stay the evening.

Speaker 2 (54:55):
Why would you think I would help you.

Speaker 6 (54:57):
My first son has stayed a handful of time. Times
my kids are completely different. My oldest has GDD and
will happily sit and watch TV or iPad or sit
and do whatever he is obsessive about at the time.
My youngest is an outside in the dirt, climbing, looking
at flowers, playing with bugs. Kind of boy. This brings
us to yesterday. I'm driving up. I break down as

(55:20):
I'm coming off the motorway at a busy junction, about
eight minutes.

Speaker 2 (55:24):
From her house.

Speaker 6 (55:24):
I call my mom and ask her to call my
brother in law, who lives on the next street over,
to see if he'll pick the kids up. She says no,
as it was twelve thirty and he doesn't wake up
until one pm. He works nights. My husband calls my stepdad,
who said he would let his boss know he had
to come tow me off the motorway. Mom calls back
to say he can't just leave his job. He would

(55:46):
have to put tools away, et cetera, et cetera. At
this point, a man had stopped and was helping me.
He towed me to a safe street. I got the
kids and bags and got an uber to my mom's
I was stressed and the kids were restless. My youngest
goes straight to the catwater bowl to play with the water.
My mom hates this and picks it up. I then

(56:06):
take a call from my stepdad and update him that
I'm at my mom's, et cetera. Youngest gets into the
cat litter.

Speaker 2 (56:13):
What is going on?

Speaker 6 (56:14):
My mom yells at me and says I rolled my eyes.
I don't think I did, but maybe I could have.

Speaker 2 (56:20):
He probably did.

Speaker 6 (56:21):
He then starts to open and close kitchen doors. Nice.
He has a bed. It has thumbs, so it definitely
isn't a cat.

Speaker 2 (56:28):
Did you do that?

Speaker 3 (56:29):
I just like that.

Speaker 6 (56:30):
Nice open and closing the doors. Classic clod job, classic move.
I like that. She has a bag of my eldest toys.
He is sitting and watching TV, but he isn't interested
in them. My husband then arrives, so we go to
try and get the truck moving and see if it's salvageable.
We take our youngest, as he's already getting my mom
stressed out. While out, I get him a new toy.

(56:53):
He might play with that instead of things he shouldn't.
When we get back, my mom is sat on the
couch with my oldest. He's on his iPad I don't
let him have this at her house, as he only
sees her once a week it's for car rides. The
youngest goes out to the garden and she has a
b shaped gnome that he pulls an ear off of.
Mom gets mad he's touching the solar balls. Again, he's

(57:14):
told no, basically told no to everything.

Speaker 2 (57:17):
Well, I mean, like he shouldn't be touching those things,
but like.

Speaker 6 (57:21):
Don't let him touch the solar balls.

Speaker 2 (57:23):
But like, is I don't know, is she even equipped
to handle these kids?

Speaker 6 (57:27):
Yeah, it just sounds like it's very obvious, like, oh,
you're not equipped to actually help me or the kids
in any way.

Speaker 2 (57:34):
Which sucks, And like she she keeps offering when she's
clearly not able to do it. Yeah, it's like, yoh,
Dembey wouldn't leave my kids, but these even.

Speaker 6 (57:43):
The oldest, it's like, yeah, you're letting me on the
iPad not supposed.

Speaker 2 (57:46):
To be on the iPad at your place, not working.

Speaker 6 (57:49):
I then say to my mom, I think until he's
a little older, it might be best if she visits me.
She's maybe been down to my house five or eight
times in four years. The argument start that he needs
to be told no, she would have told me no
if she took me to someone's house at this age.
I explained that I think it's different as he's coming
for such a long time, usually six hours, so he

(58:10):
can see Auntie and granddad too, as they all live
in that town. I'm sure she meant if she took
me somewhere for an hour or so. He both agreed
her garden isn't child friendly. If he wants to play
in it, he can play with his ball. I said,
that's not possible to explain to a one year old child. Yeah,
then she started to shout. I asked her to talk

(58:31):
and not shout at me, which made her even angrier,
and she told me I was pushing my luck and
I will not tell her what to do in her
own home. I said, if it's about her shouting at
me in front of her kids, then I absolutely think
I can tell her what to do in her own home.
Argument got worse. Husband put the kids in his car,
which had only two seats in the front and the

(58:52):
back is an open van space, so me and my
five year old had to sit on the floor for
the hour long drive. Ruff I did point out she
had a car that they could have offered to lend
me to get home safely, and that I did think
my brother in law should have come to get the kids.
Response was, it's not her car, it's my stepdad's, and
that I expect everyone to drop everything for me. I
told her that she is welcome to visit the kids

(59:13):
at my house whenever she likes, but I won't be
bringing them back until she agrees to not shout at
me in front of them. She told me to get
out and that she wouldn't be told what to do
in her own home and so she wouldn't be seeing
us again. By sounds like she made me any decisions
for herself there.

Speaker 2 (59:31):
Yeah, yeah, that's it, she said. She said, I want
to help you, and then you said, okay, let's do
a little test drive see how they fare at your house,
and she went, ah, get them out of my house.

Speaker 6 (59:43):
Yes, and I'm also cutting myself off from you, and
that's your fault.

Speaker 2 (59:47):
Yeah, that's on her. She's made her Like you were like, oh,
I don't know if I should go to no contact
with my mom. It sounds like she's going no contact
with you.

Speaker 6 (59:56):
Yeah, my heart aches, as I have two friends you
have recently lost their mothers. She's sixty five and may
not have long left. But the favoritism is clear between
my kids and I'm old, and even me and my
husband have the no shouting in front of the kid's rule.
So am I the a hole for expecting my mom
to respect that boundary in her home and to have

(01:00:17):
her home a little more child friendly for visits? Or
is she right and I'm wrong to try to tell
her what she should do. I don't know if it's relevant,
but my role in the family has always been fixer,
usually financially if someone got into debt or paying for
people to go on holiday. My stepdad once was wrongfully
dismissed or they attempted to, and I won him an

(01:00:37):
ACAS case. I made sure everyone has what they need.
There is a little bit more story life, sure is, Honestly.

Speaker 2 (01:00:45):
I yeah, I think that limiting or no content probably
maybe limiting contact with your mom. It's just frustrating. You're
trying to like have a relationship with your mom and
you've been trying to figure out four years what the
most effective way to have that relationship is, and it
seems like she's a really difficult person to get on with.

Speaker 6 (01:01:07):
She's a nasty little lady.

Speaker 2 (01:01:08):
He's a nasty little lady.

Speaker 6 (01:01:11):
It's just a nasty little lady she is. Yeah, let's
finish this story. I am really aware that most of
my examples are financial, and I don't know why that is.
It makes me feel embarrassed to even write it. I
think I know why it is. It's because they just
use you.

Speaker 2 (01:01:25):
For money, my guy. Yes, oh no, exactly.

Speaker 6 (01:01:29):
I wasn't really that aware of how strange it was
until I got with my husband. I've taken my family
on and paid for them to go on seven vacations
by the time I met him at thirty. Oh wow,
they were seven vacations.

Speaker 2 (01:01:42):
Seven.

Speaker 6 (01:01:43):
That's too many, six seven, seven vacations that I'm assuming
you didn't go on it.

Speaker 2 (01:01:49):
Said paid for? Yeah, really say that I went on them.
That's yeah, you got unhealthy relationship.

Speaker 6 (01:01:55):
Hereah yeah, yeah. I've literally just loaned my sister money
for vet bills last week, so I don't think it's
unreasonable for me to ask for her husband to pick
up the kids from an unsafe location for a fifteen
minute round trip. I absolutely have not fallen out with
my sister or brother in law or even had that conversation.
He just said, if she'd have rang, of course.

Speaker 2 (01:02:17):
He'd have come.

Speaker 6 (01:02:18):
And there are some comments here. Comment number one, Opie,
stop chasing your mom's affection and approval. You aren't going
to get it. That's a hard reality, and I'm sorry, yeah,
and truthfully, Oh wait, I just remembered the stuff from
the beginning of the story where she's like, yeah, by
the way, I don't actually even like you. Yeah, and

(01:02:39):
also I never wanted you. Your dad loved you more
than me.

Speaker 3 (01:02:42):
Ohp.

Speaker 2 (01:02:43):
He's been chasing this affection from like the get go,
and it's never been a good relationship. And she said
the only reason that I got better is because they
moved apart. But even still it's not that great yet.

Speaker 6 (01:02:54):
Og, you don't have to maintain a relationship with this
nasty lady.

Speaker 2 (01:02:59):
Nasty.

Speaker 6 (01:03:01):
That is a hard reality, and I am sorry, and truthfully,
do you really need it at this point in your life?
Protect your younger son from your mom's favoritism and unrealistic expectations.
He doesn't want to deal with his energy, and that's fine,
but her approach is damaging to both of your boys.
I'd take space from her for several months and see
how you feel, and then reevaluate. You don't need to

(01:03:23):
make anything permanent right now. Good luck comment to it
doesn't sound like your mom much likes you nor your children.
Let them go and focus on what is good in
your life and makes you and your family, children and
partner happy. Opie says it was strange because my partner
is probably one of the most confrontational people in the world.
It's not a good thing. It's a problem he works

(01:03:45):
on and we do together, so it was really really
surprising for him to see someone speak to me that
way and not say anything. He was super quiet on
the way home, and I asked him if he was okay.
He seemed shocked, and he literally just said he's never
seen anyone look at someone with so much hatred and
anger as when she was shouting at me, and it

(01:04:05):
just shocked him. He didn't know what to do. He
did the right thing getting the kids away. But I
just mean, I think you're right. She doesn't like me.
She likes my oldest but not my youngest. But don't
think she likes any of us enough to back down
to avoid never seeing them again. And that's what's so sad.
But you can't change that, can you. I've been back
and forth on what's best for the kids. Cut the

(01:04:28):
cord now so they don't miss her, or keep the
relationship going with her for them, But every time we
have a disagreement, then they have to deal with her
being no contact with them.

Speaker 2 (01:04:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (01:04:37):
I don't think it's a very positive relationship for anyone
the kids.

Speaker 2 (01:04:42):
I don't think it'd be good for them to have
this very kind of flighty character in their life that
probably you know, if she told you that she never
wanted you, what is she going to say to those kids?

Speaker 6 (01:04:53):
Yeah, she's she clearly already doesn't like your youngest. Yeah,
Like what is she going to say that just because
he's a baby.

Speaker 2 (01:04:59):
Just because he's the baby? Yeah, I think for the kids,
you gotta be really, you know, careful about that. Like,
I don't know, I don't think that relationship would be
healthy in the long run, because it's not healthy now.

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