September 5, 2025 • 36 mins
What’s the biggest lesson you learned this year?
What advice would you give yourself a year ago?
In this special birthday reflection, Jay opens up about the most meaningful lessons he’s learned over the past year. Rather than focusing on milestones or achievements, he dives into the deeper truths that shape how we love, pay attention, and grow within. From realizing that overhelping can sometimes hold others back, to seeing how saying “no” can be one of the most honest forms of respect, Jay invites us to rethink the way we set boundaries, show compassion, and care for ourselves and others.
Jay reminds us that real wealth isn’t measured in material success, but in how we direct our attention, and how often we waste it on distractions, resentment, or things we can’t control. He explains how fulfillment comes from aligning our choices with our values, letting go of envy and ego, and prioritizing kindness over recognition. Jay also shares why people change more when they feel understood than when they’re corrected, and why the endings of our experiences often matter more than the beginnings.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Say No With Confidence
How to Align Success With Your Values
How to Let Go of Ego and Envy
How to Learn From People Who Frustrate You
How to Listen Instead of Correct
Growth is not about perfection, it’s about choosing small, intentional steps each day that move you closer to the life you truly want. The lessons we learn through mistakes, struggles, and reflections are not setbacks, but stepping stones that shape our strength and clarity.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
Check out our Apple subscription to unlock bonus content of On Purpose! https://lnk.to/JayShettyPodcast
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:19 10 Lessons I’ve Learned Over the Past Year
02:34 Lesson #1: Helping Less Can Actually Help More
09:46 Lesson #2: Saying No Is a Complete Sentence
17:19 Lesson #3: The Power of Where You Place Your Attention
20:22 Lesson #4: Success Without Alignment Feels Empty
24:20 Lesson #5: Frustration Is Your Greatest Teacher
25:40 Lesson #6: Kindness is Remembered Longer Than Achievements
27:59 Lesson #7: People Change When They Feel Understood
30:10 Lesson #8: Endings Matter More Than Middles
33:31 Lesson #9: Create Intentional Moments
33:49 Lesson #10: Manage Endings in Conflicts
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You think saying no will let the other person down. Well,
guess what when you say yes when you don't want to,
you let yourself down and you let that person down,
and in the long term, you actually end up building resentment.
It's better to say no and continue to have a relationship,
(00:21):
then say yes and resent the relationship. The number one
health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay Sheddy set Hey everyone,
it's Jay Sheddy. Welcome back to On Purpose. It blows
my mind that millions of you tune in every single
(00:41):
day to listen and to watch. Make sure you've subscribed
to my YouTube channel so that you never miss a video.
And make sure you've subscribed on Apple, Spotify, iHeart, or
wherever you get your podcasts so that you don't miss
a drop. I've got so many exciting things coming your
way now. It's a very special episode today because tomorrow,
(01:05):
if you're listening to this on the fifth of September
twenty twenty five, Tomorrow, the sixth of September, is my birthday,
and every year I love to do a reflection introspection episode.
Today I'm going to share with you lessons I've learned
in the last twelve months they are about life, people, relationships.
(01:26):
I'm going to give you the biggest ones that I've
taken away. These are real lessons that have come from
lived experience, come from my own mistakes, come from my
own challenges and struggles. And I love doing this episode
for you every year because it really gets me into
my own heart and mind and I get to open
up about it with all of you. I always find
(01:49):
that birthdays become about parties, they become about gifts, they
become about presence and time with the people you love,
and those are all really beautiful things. But for me,
they are also a time of taking stock, evaluating, auditing,
and looking at my life, making sure that I'm moving
in the direction that I want, that I'm serving my
(02:11):
mission and purpose in the way that i want, and
that I'm showing up for myself and the people I
love in the way that I want. It's a beautiful
annual ritual that I love to do, and I'm so
glad I get to share it with you all on
the podcast. So here are the top ten lessons I've
learned in the last twelve months. The first one is
(02:36):
helping less can actually help more. This one is so
hard to say as a coach. It's so hard to
say as someone who's always trying to help others. It's
so hard to admit as someone who wants to see
others grow. And I'm sure you're the same. When you
love someone, when you care about them, you want to
(02:57):
help them. You want to be there for them, to
show up for them, You want to solve all their problems,
you want to fix everything. But here's what I've learned. Often,
when you try to help others, you can actually end
up hurting them. You hurt them not because of you helping,
but because you're helping, ends up enabling them. It ends
(03:21):
up making them dependent. It makes them feel that they're
inadequate to make the chaine themselves. It makes them feel
that they can't depend on themselves, they have to depend
on you. It makes them feel that if you're not around,
they might not know the answer. Really powerful leaders make
(03:45):
people believe in themselves. You're not trying to get people
to believe in your advice, to think that you're a
great person because you're always around. You want people to
reconnect with their own intuition, own gut instinct, and when
you're busy solving, fixing and helping everything. They never get
(04:07):
the opportunity to do that. Ask yourself. When you're helping someone,
are you giving them the opportunity to help themselves or
are you taking it away? When you're trying to support someone,
are you assisting or are you trying to solve everything
for them? When you're trying to be present for someone,
(04:29):
are you actually trying to fix and control everything or
are you just there for a helping hand. It's so counterintuitive,
but it's true. Over helping creates dependency. Studies on learned
helplessness show that if you rescue people too often, they
stop building resilience. If you always rescue someone when they're
(04:54):
in danger, they don't develop the skills themselves. If you
always fix the for people when they're struggling, they don't
learn to fix it themselves. If you're always rushing to
help someone when they're going through a challenge, they may
lose the ability to help themselves, and you may hurt
(05:16):
them instead. Your best intention could actually cause someone long
term pain. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is
step back and let someone stumble. Real coaching isn't carrying
someone up the mountain. It's reminding them they have legs.
(05:39):
We think helping people is always noble, but sometimes help
is just disguised control. Think about that for a second.
When you jump in too quickly, you teach people that
they can't handle life without you. When you carry their load,
they never build the muscle to carry themselves. When you
(06:02):
do everything for someone, they develop learned helplessness. When people
stop trying because someone else always steps in. You're rescuing
can rob them of resilience. You're fixing can steal their
(06:22):
chance to figure it out. Your guidance can block them
from developing their own inner compass. Helping someone can actually
hurt them. Trying to fix someone can actually make them
feel more broken. When you rush to solve, you send
(06:42):
the hidden message you can't do this without me. It
can turn love into pity. It can turn care into control.
Support doesn't mean solving, Love doesn't mean fixing, Compassion doesn't
mean control. Helping someone can hurt them. Fixing someone can
(07:07):
break them. Carrying someone can weaken them. Protecting someone can
trap them. Saving someone can silence them. People don't grow
when you do it for them. They grow when you
believe they can do it themselves. They don't need your rescue.
(07:32):
They need your trust. They don't need a fixer. They
need a witness, someone to say I saw you do that,
and I'm here to watch you do it again. I'm
here to give you a helping hand if that's what
you need right now. But realizing that you don't want
to take away their opportunity. It's almost like saying, hey,
I'll be with you at the gym, but i'll lift
(07:52):
the weights for you. That wouldn't make any sense, right.
I can be with you at the gym, but I
can't lift the weights for you. I'll be with you
by your side, but I'm going to do the diet
for you. It doesn't work that way. You can't transfer
your sacrifice into someone else's success. You can't transfer your
(08:14):
discipline into someone else's desire. You can't transfer your work
into someone else's worth. It doesn't work that way. They
have to have the discipline, they have to do the work,
they have to make the sacrifice. You can beat there
(08:35):
by their side, you can't do it for them. This
is a huge lesson that I've learned this year, and
I've realized it's a painful one because my nature is
ton't want to see people reach their potential, and I
want to speed it up for them. I want to
solve it for them. I want to accelerate it for them.
But I've seen time and time again then when I
(08:57):
step back, when I'm present, when I'm there, that person
builds a confidence like they never could have if I
did it for them. And that's actually more beautiful to
watch and observe. And I've seen it this year and
I've actually said it to people. Hey, I am ready
(09:18):
to help you with whatever you need. But one thing
I've learned about growth is that I believe you genuinely
have the ability to grow yourself. You don't need my advice,
you don't need me to tell you what to do.
You actually already know it inside of you. I want
you to connect with that and watch how empowered they feel.
(09:39):
Make people believe in them, not in you. That's the goal.
Lesser Number two is something that I've heard this year
that really resonated with me. Saying no is a full sentence.
We think yes keeps relationships alive, but research on boundary
(10:00):
shows the opposite. People who can say no clearly are
more trusted and more respected. Every yes that betrays yourself
erodes connection. Every no that protects your truth deepens it.
No isn't rejection, its honesty in its purest form. Now
(10:23):
we all struggle saying no. Think about the last time
you struggled saying no. Saying no is so hard because
it triggers the fear of rejection. Humans are wired for belonging.
Evolutionary psychology shows rejection once meant literal death, exile from
the tribe. You've been kicked out. That wiring hasn't disappeared.
(10:47):
Saying no feels dangerous because our brain interprets it as
risking disconnection. Another reason why we struggle to say no
is something known as the guilt reflex. When you they
know and think about this the next time you do it,
especially to people close to you, your brain actually releases
(11:08):
the stress hormone cortisol that mimic the discomfort of guilt.
This is why so many people, all of us, we
over explain or we apologize. Right, we're soothing our own
nervous system, not just the other person, because we're now
feeling a sense of guilt. But here's what happens when
you say no. It builds self respect. Studies on assertiveness
(11:33):
training show people who practice saying no report higher self
esteem and lower anxiety. Every no is a small vote
of confidence that your time, energy, and needs actually matter.
This happened to me the other day. I was actually
with a friend I hadn't seen them for a long time,
(11:54):
and they were telling me about some really deep struggles
they were having in their life. And someone wonderful came
up to the table who wanted a picture and to
say hello, and I said, hey, I would love to
do it right afterwards, but I just need to be
present with this person right now, and my heart sank.
I didn't want to say no. I get so happy
when I bump into you all at airports, restaurants, wherever
(12:15):
I am. I love it. I really enjoy seeing you all.
And I felt so bad saying hey, you know what,
I'll do it later, but I can't write now because
the person I was talking to was sharing some really emotional,
difficult stuff that they were going through and I wanted
to be present for them. But having done that, I
could tell how much it meant to the person with me,
and I really hope the other person understood. It wasn't
(12:37):
that I was being mean, It's not that I didn't
want to do it. It was just that I was trying
to draw a boundary that was important to me, and
it's really hard. It's really hard. Nine out of ten
times I would say yes immediately, but learning to say
no it's so important. The other thing is that when
we say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment. Think
(12:59):
about this first second. When your friend asks you for
something and you want to say no, but you say
yes to people please. You say yes because you don't
want to let them down. You say yes because you
know they might overreact. What ends up happening in the
long term You end up thinking, God, I hate this person.
I've got to go do this thing for them today.
(13:19):
I've got to get through this thing today. Oh my god,
I've got to do this thing. It's made into resentment.
If you say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment.
Social psychologists find that when people say yes out of obligation,
it leads to cognitive dissonance, a clash between values and actions.
(13:40):
Over time, this erodes relationships more than an honest no. Ever,
could you think saying no will let the other person down? Well,
guess what when you say yes when you don't want to,
you let yourself down, and you let that person down,
and in the long term you actually end up building resentment.
(14:03):
It's better to say no and continue to have a
relationship then say yes and resent the relationship. By saying no,
you protect the quality of your future. Yes people begin
to trust you r yes more because it's no longer
automatic boundaries create credibility. A woman my mum worked with
(14:26):
once told me she had spent her entire life saying yes,
yes to family, yes to her kids, yes to her community.
She was the person everyone leaned on birthdays, last minute babysitting,
emotional support, loaning money, cooking meals, you name it. If
someone asked, she said yes, But behind the yes, she
(14:49):
was exhausted. She felt invisible in her own life. She
told me, I didn't even know what I liked anymore.
I only knew what everyone else want wanted. One day,
her daughter asked her to watch the grandkids again, after
she had already canceled plan twice that week to help.
(15:09):
Something inside her broke for the first time in thirty years.
She said, no, not today, I need rest. Her daughter
was shocked, upset, even guilted her, and that old fear
came flooding in what if she loved me less? What
(15:31):
if I'm needed less? But something surprising happened. The world
didn't fall apart. Her daughter figured it out, and for
the first time, she spent the day doing something just
for herself, reading, walking, and sleeping without apology, and later
her daughter admitted, at first I was mad, but then
(15:53):
I realized you've never said no to me. You deserve to.
That single rewired the entire family dynamic. Her daughter stopped
assuming she'd always be available, Her grandchildren learned by example
that boundaries are normal, and the woman herself she told
me that no felt more like love than all the
(16:17):
yeses I gave For decades. Saying yes constantly had made
her resentful. Saying no finally made her relationships more honest.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for others
is to stop betraying yourself. Learn to say no, Learn
(16:41):
to say not now. Learn to say this doesn't work
for me. Learn to say I can't carry that today.
Learn to say I need space. Learn to say I've
changed my mind. Learn to say I deserve better. Learn
(17:02):
to say yes only when your whole self agrees, because
every fake yes is a quiet betrayal, and every honest
no is an act of respect for you and for them.
Lesser Number three that I've learned in the last twelve
months is your attention is your real bank account. I
(17:26):
noticed a few years ago how when I started using TikTok,
my attention started to diminish, and it took a lot
of effort to bring it back. I was someone who
loved reading books. I was someone who loved getting into
deep journals and articles, and all of a sudden, I
saw myself looking for eight seconds of joy, entertainment, and
(17:47):
speed of consumption, and I started to realize, my attention
is my real bank account. Because what makes or breaks
your life is where you spend your attention. Cognitive psychology
calls this attentional control, and it predicts success better than
IQ think about it. Billionaires go bankrupt, but someone who
(18:12):
can direct their focus can rebuild. Your attention isn't just currency,
its compound interest. Neuroscientists call our attention a limited resource.
Every time you focus, you spend mental energy. Like money,
you can invest it, waste it, or lose it. Unlike money,
(18:34):
you can never get it back. Psychologists have found that
people who learn to direct their attention intentionally, what they read,
what they notice, who they give time to predict life
satisfaction more than income or IQ. Stop wasting your attention
on people who don't value yours. Stop wasting your attention
(18:59):
on problem you can't control. Stop wasting your attention on
scrolling through strangers' lives. Stop wasting your attention. It is
your greatest wealth. When I think about my attention, I
think about it like my back balance. There's only a
(19:20):
limited amount you have to spend. How are you going
to use it? How are you going to direct it?
How are you going to focus it? How are you
going to allow yourself to not be consumed by unnecessary things.
Let's say someone did something really bad to you. Let's
say someone wronged you. How much time do I want
(19:41):
to waste trying to solve that? How much energy do
I want to spend trying to get an apology? How
much time am I willing to give away and never
get back hoping that person will realize what they did
was wrong. We waste hours, days, weeks of our life
(20:03):
on things that won't make a difference. The next time
you're upset by something, ask yourself, do I really care?
Even if I get the result I want, will it
really matter? Or is there a better use of my time?
Is there a better use of my energy? Before we continue,
let's take a quick breather and listen to some of
(20:25):
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That means if you want more on purpose, more inspiration,
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check it out. Welcome back. Now, let's continue this incredible conversation.
(21:09):
Lesson number four is that achievement without alignment feels like failure.
We think success guarantees fulfillment, but psychology shows when your
achievements don't match your values, they feel hollow. That's why
people hit milestones, the promotion, the house, the wedding, and
(21:31):
feel emptier than ever. It's not that the house, the wedding,
or the milestone wasn't important. It's that did you connect
it to your values. Success without alignment isn't success. When
actions and values don't match, the brain experiences internal conflict.
For example, I value family, but I spend all my
(21:54):
time at work. I value creativity, but my role only
rewards efficiency. This dissonance, this distance, creates stress, anxiety, and
eventually burn out, even in successful people. This is what
I've learned this year that really blew my mind. I
want you to remember this. You'll become successful by what
(22:19):
you get. You'll become happy by what you lose. When
you get a new job, a promotion, a new level,
you'll feel successful, but you'll only feel happy when you lose.
When you lose envy, when you lose ego, when you
(22:43):
lose greed. It's when we lose that we become happy.
Because for years I used to hear people say money
doesn't buy happiness, and I used to think to myself, well,
it's really easy, because the people who often say that
are the ones with money, and so that didn't make
sense to me. And also I saw people with money
who are happy. I saw people without money who are happy.
(23:04):
So I said, Okay, well that doesn't make sense either,
So what was it? What I saw is that it
didn't matter what you did have or didn't have in
terms of things, in terms of success, but it did
matter what you did or didn't have internally. So if
you had money but you had envy, you were unhappy.
(23:27):
And if you had money but you didn't have envy,
you could be happy. It was the lack of envy
and the lack of ego that guaranteed happiness no matter
what position you were in, because those were the two
traits that pushed away love and relationships. If you're egotistical,
you turn people off because now they don't want to
(23:49):
be around you. And if you're envious, you get turned
off by people that you don't want to be around.
When you have arrogance and ego and bravado, you push
people away. When you have envy, you do the same thing.
You can't be friends with someone you're envy asarv and
no one wants to be friends with you. When you're
an egotistical, you lose the most valuable part of human life,
(24:13):
which is human connection and relationships. When these two qualities
take over your life as much as we're working on
what we get, we have to work on what we
want to lose. Mastering ego and mastering envy are a
daily practice. They're a daily habit. You will be so
(24:35):
much happier if you reduce your envy. You'll be so
much happier if you reduce your ego. Not just increase
your output, not just increase your productivity, not just increase
your efficiency. I promise you give attention to that part
of your life. I focus on that part of my
life a lot. I call it the seeds and weeds.
(24:57):
I think about envy and ego like weeds in the
garden life that I have to uproot, that I have
to take out, that have to purify, and you feel
so much better for it. Lesson number five. The people
who frustrate you teach you the most about you. Annoyances
aren't random. Psychologists call it projective identification. The traits we
(25:23):
can't stand in others often mirrors parts of ourselves. We
haven't accepted that controlling boss. Maybe it reflects your own
fear of letting go. People are mirrors, not just irritants.
It doesn't mean that they don't have that problem. And
what you're seeing isn't real, it's that you may have
(25:45):
it too. Your triggers are your teachers. Your jealousy is
your guide, Your anger is your mirror. Your irritation shows
you your wounds. Your defensiveness reveals your fear. Your impatience
(26:07):
exposes your expectations. Your sadness highlights your values. Every reaction
is a revelation, Every trigger is a teacher. Life will
keep sending you the same lesson until you learn from it.
(26:28):
Lesser number six, Kindness is remembered longer than achievement. Ask
people about their mentors or loved ones, and they rarely
recall accomplishments. I doubt you end up at a funeral
and hear about someone's accomplishments. I doubt you end up
at a seventieth birthday and hear about someone's accomplishments. I
(26:50):
was actually just at a dear family friend's seventieth birthday
a couple of weeks ago. No one talked about his achievements,
and he has plenty. They recalled moments of kindness, They
recalled moments of genuine sincere connection. Behavioral science shows emotional
(27:12):
memory outlast factual memory. People forget what you achieved. They
don't forget how affectionate you were. People will remember when
you were kind. People will remember when you were caring.
People will remember when you listened without rushing them. People
(27:35):
will remember when you showed up when no one else did.
People will remember when you forgave them at their lowest.
People will remember when you believed in them before anyone
else did. People will remember when you stayed calm while
they fell apart. People will remember when you gave them
(27:58):
dignity instead of judgment. They may forget your wins, they
may forget your work, but they won't forget your energy.
And even if they do forget all of those things,
there'll be one that remembers, and the most important thing.
You will have lived a clean, energetic life. We don't
(28:22):
do those things to be remembered for those things. We
do those things so that we can go to sleep peacefully.
You clean your energy internally so that you can live
in a clean place. Right. You don't clean your home
just because people are coming over. You clean it so
that you can live in a clean home. You don't
clean your mind for everyone else. You do it because
(28:43):
you want to live in a clean place. It's a
huge one, less than number seven. People change more from
being understood than being corrected. We think people need better arguments.
In truth, people need better listeners. Studies on motivational interviewing
(29:04):
show people change when they feel heard, not when they're lectured.
Understanding opens the door that correction keeps locked. Sometimes the
best people get the worst of us, and the worst
people get the best of us. The kindest people get
(29:26):
our pain, and the meanest people get our joy. The
real ones get our silence, and the fake ones get
our performance. The loyal ones get our doubts and the
disloyal ones get our trust. The ones who stay get
our frustration, and the ones who leave get our patients.
(29:48):
We give our apologies to strangers and our harshest words
to the one's closest. We hide our tenderness from the
safe ones and hand out our smiles to the ones
hurt us. That's the tragedy of human behavior. We misplace
our best energy. What I've realized is that we all
(30:10):
lecture the people closest to us. We think if we
tell them what to do, they'll finally get it right.
The reality is people are looking to be validated, heard,
and seen. You may say I know what they're going through.
But have you ever asked them? Have you ever talked
to your partner and just said, I want to hear
from your side how this feels. I want to know
(30:33):
why it is that you keep struggling with this. Not
in a demanding way, in a curious way, in a
genuine way. Remember, people change more from being understood than
being corrected. People change more from being loved than from
being hated. People change more from being validated, then pushed
(30:57):
and judged lesser. Number eight. This one blew my mind,
and it's from one of my favorite authors of all time.
We remember endings more than middles. It sounds obvious, but
stay with me for how it applies to life. Psychologist
Daniel Karneman has a rule called his peak end rule,
(31:21):
and it shows that we judge experiences not by how
long they lasted, but by the peak moment and the
ending moment. That's why a single kind goodbye or one
cruel exit defines the whole relationship in our memory. The
peak and rule is a psychological principle discovered by Nobel
(31:44):
Prize winning psychologist Daniel Karnoman and his colleague Amos Twevsky.
It says we don't judge an experience by its average
or total duration. We judge it by two moments. One
the peak, the most intense spot, whether good or bad,
and number two the end. How the experience concluded. Everything
(32:07):
else fades into the background. So Carnaman did a famous
cold water experiment that proved this. Participants put their hand
in painfully cold water for sixty seconds. In a second trial,
they put their hand in cold water for ninety seconds,
but in the last thirty seconds the water was made
(32:29):
slightly warmer. It was still cold but a little less painful. Logically,
the second trial should be worse ninety seconds of pain
instead of sixty, but most people preferred the longer trial
because the ending was less painful. The brain didn't remember
the full timeline. It remembered the peak and the end.
(32:52):
Now what does this mean for us in our life
and our relationships? One cruel goodbye can overshadow years of love.
I'm sure there's someone that you loved on that you
cared about, that you did so much for, But because
you didn't end on good terms, they hate you right
because you didn't end on good terms. They talk bad
about you because you didn't end on good terms. They
(33:12):
say hurtful things about you to everyone else. Right, I'm
sure you can relate, and one kind act at the
end of someone's life can heal decades of distance. We
don't carry the full record. We carry the peak and
the ending. Now, how does this apply to work? People
rarely remember the dozens of average meetings. They remember the
(33:36):
one inspiring keynote and how they felt when they left
the company. And what about daily experiences, whether it's vacations, weddings, concerts,
People remember the highlight moment and the final moments. A
bad flight home can sour the whole vacation. We think
(33:56):
life is measured in hours and days, but memory measures
life in moments and endings. End things well. Always leave
people and places better and happier than you find them.
Don't let things end on a bad note. Number two.
(34:20):
Design peaks don't aim to make everything perfect. Create intentional moments,
a surprise note and unexpected thank you, one unforgettable experience.
Peaks matter more than perfection. Number three. Manage endings in conflict.
Even if a conversation is hard, end it with respect.
(34:45):
Simply by saying I care about you even if we disagree.
Can change how the entire interaction is remembered. So there
you have it. Those are the lessons that I have
learned in the last twelve months. And as every important
teacher has said before, you repeat what you don't repair.
(35:08):
You repeat what you don't reflect on. You repeat what
you don't release, You repeat what you don't reveal, You
repeat what you don't reframe, You repeat what you don't
respect in yourself, and you repeat what you don't take
(35:29):
responsibility for. Patterns don't disappear with time, They disappear with work.
So I hope you always remember to try and do that.
On your birthday, take a moment to do I hope these
have helped. Thank you so much for listening and watching.
Remember I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting
(35:50):
for you. If you love this podcast, you love my
episode with Lewis Hamilton. Lewis and I talk about why
you should stop chasing societies definition of success and how
to be more intentional with your goals. You don't want
to miss it like. It's not about being perfect. It's
about just every day, one step at a time, trying
to be better, trying to do more. I'm learning a
(36:11):
lot about myself I have to break myself down in
order to be able to be better
You think saying no will let the other person down. Well,
guess what when you say yes when you don't want to,
you let yourself down and you let that person down,
and in the long term, you actually end up building resentment.
It's better to say no and continue to have a relationship,
(00:21):
then say yes and resent the relationship. The number one
health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay Sheddy set Hey everyone,
it's Jay Sheddy. Welcome back to On Purpose. It blows
my mind that millions of you tune in every single
(00:41):
day to listen and to watch. Make sure you've subscribed
to my YouTube channel so that you never miss a video.
And make sure you've subscribed on Apple, Spotify, iHeart, or
wherever you get your podcasts so that you don't miss
a drop. I've got so many exciting things coming your
way now. It's a very special episode today because tomorrow,
(01:05):
if you're listening to this on the fifth of September
twenty twenty five, Tomorrow, the sixth of September, is my birthday,
and every year I love to do a reflection introspection episode.
Today I'm going to share with you lessons I've learned
in the last twelve months they are about life, people, relationships.
(01:26):
I'm going to give you the biggest ones that I've
taken away. These are real lessons that have come from
lived experience, come from my own mistakes, come from my
own challenges and struggles. And I love doing this episode
for you every year because it really gets me into
my own heart and mind and I get to open
up about it with all of you. I always find
(01:49):
that birthdays become about parties, they become about gifts, they
become about presence and time with the people you love,
and those are all really beautiful things. But for me,
they are also a time of taking stock, evaluating, auditing,
and looking at my life, making sure that I'm moving
in the direction that I want, that I'm serving my
(02:11):
mission and purpose in the way that i want, and
that I'm showing up for myself and the people I
love in the way that I want. It's a beautiful
annual ritual that I love to do, and I'm so
glad I get to share it with you all on
the podcast. So here are the top ten lessons I've
learned in the last twelve months. The first one is
(02:36):
helping less can actually help more. This one is so
hard to say as a coach. It's so hard to
say as someone who's always trying to help others. It's
so hard to admit as someone who wants to see
others grow. And I'm sure you're the same. When you
love someone, when you care about them, you want to
(02:57):
help them. You want to be there for them, to
show up for them, You want to solve all their problems,
you want to fix everything. But here's what I've learned. Often,
when you try to help others, you can actually end
up hurting them. You hurt them not because of you helping,
but because you're helping, ends up enabling them. It ends
(03:21):
up making them dependent. It makes them feel that they're
inadequate to make the chaine themselves. It makes them feel
that they can't depend on themselves, they have to depend
on you. It makes them feel that if you're not around,
they might not know the answer. Really powerful leaders make
(03:45):
people believe in themselves. You're not trying to get people
to believe in your advice, to think that you're a
great person because you're always around. You want people to
reconnect with their own intuition, own gut instinct, and when
you're busy solving, fixing and helping everything. They never get
(04:07):
the opportunity to do that. Ask yourself. When you're helping someone,
are you giving them the opportunity to help themselves or
are you taking it away? When you're trying to support someone,
are you assisting or are you trying to solve everything
for them? When you're trying to be present for someone,
(04:29):
are you actually trying to fix and control everything or
are you just there for a helping hand. It's so counterintuitive,
but it's true. Over helping creates dependency. Studies on learned
helplessness show that if you rescue people too often, they
stop building resilience. If you always rescue someone when they're
(04:54):
in danger, they don't develop the skills themselves. If you
always fix the for people when they're struggling, they don't
learn to fix it themselves. If you're always rushing to
help someone when they're going through a challenge, they may
lose the ability to help themselves, and you may hurt
(05:16):
them instead. Your best intention could actually cause someone long
term pain. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is
step back and let someone stumble. Real coaching isn't carrying
someone up the mountain. It's reminding them they have legs.
(05:39):
We think helping people is always noble, but sometimes help
is just disguised control. Think about that for a second.
When you jump in too quickly, you teach people that
they can't handle life without you. When you carry their load,
they never build the muscle to carry themselves. When you
(06:02):
do everything for someone, they develop learned helplessness. When people
stop trying because someone else always steps in. You're rescuing
can rob them of resilience. You're fixing can steal their
(06:22):
chance to figure it out. Your guidance can block them
from developing their own inner compass. Helping someone can actually
hurt them. Trying to fix someone can actually make them
feel more broken. When you rush to solve, you send
(06:42):
the hidden message you can't do this without me. It
can turn love into pity. It can turn care into control.
Support doesn't mean solving, Love doesn't mean fixing, Compassion doesn't
mean control. Helping someone can hurt them. Fixing someone can
(07:07):
break them. Carrying someone can weaken them. Protecting someone can
trap them. Saving someone can silence them. People don't grow
when you do it for them. They grow when you
believe they can do it themselves. They don't need your rescue.
(07:32):
They need your trust. They don't need a fixer. They
need a witness, someone to say I saw you do that,
and I'm here to watch you do it again. I'm
here to give you a helping hand if that's what
you need right now. But realizing that you don't want
to take away their opportunity. It's almost like saying, hey,
I'll be with you at the gym, but i'll lift
(07:52):
the weights for you. That wouldn't make any sense, right.
I can be with you at the gym, but I
can't lift the weights for you. I'll be with you
by your side, but I'm going to do the diet
for you. It doesn't work that way. You can't transfer
your sacrifice into someone else's success. You can't transfer your
(08:14):
discipline into someone else's desire. You can't transfer your work
into someone else's worth. It doesn't work that way. They
have to have the discipline, they have to do the work,
they have to make the sacrifice. You can beat there
(08:35):
by their side, you can't do it for them. This
is a huge lesson that I've learned this year, and
I've realized it's a painful one because my nature is
ton't want to see people reach their potential, and I
want to speed it up for them. I want to
solve it for them. I want to accelerate it for them.
But I've seen time and time again then when I
(08:57):
step back, when I'm present, when I'm there, that person
builds a confidence like they never could have if I
did it for them. And that's actually more beautiful to
watch and observe. And I've seen it this year and
I've actually said it to people. Hey, I am ready
(09:18):
to help you with whatever you need. But one thing
I've learned about growth is that I believe you genuinely
have the ability to grow yourself. You don't need my advice,
you don't need me to tell you what to do.
You actually already know it inside of you. I want
you to connect with that and watch how empowered they feel.
(09:39):
Make people believe in them, not in you. That's the goal.
Lesser Number two is something that I've heard this year
that really resonated with me. Saying no is a full sentence.
We think yes keeps relationships alive, but research on boundary
(10:00):
shows the opposite. People who can say no clearly are
more trusted and more respected. Every yes that betrays yourself
erodes connection. Every no that protects your truth deepens it.
No isn't rejection, its honesty in its purest form. Now
(10:23):
we all struggle saying no. Think about the last time
you struggled saying no. Saying no is so hard because
it triggers the fear of rejection. Humans are wired for belonging.
Evolutionary psychology shows rejection once meant literal death, exile from
the tribe. You've been kicked out. That wiring hasn't disappeared.
(10:47):
Saying no feels dangerous because our brain interprets it as
risking disconnection. Another reason why we struggle to say no
is something known as the guilt reflex. When you they
know and think about this the next time you do it,
especially to people close to you, your brain actually releases
(11:08):
the stress hormone cortisol that mimic the discomfort of guilt.
This is why so many people, all of us, we
over explain or we apologize. Right, we're soothing our own
nervous system, not just the other person, because we're now
feeling a sense of guilt. But here's what happens when
you say no. It builds self respect. Studies on assertiveness
(11:33):
training show people who practice saying no report higher self
esteem and lower anxiety. Every no is a small vote
of confidence that your time, energy, and needs actually matter.
This happened to me the other day. I was actually
with a friend I hadn't seen them for a long time,
(11:54):
and they were telling me about some really deep struggles
they were having in their life. And someone wonderful came
up to the table who wanted a picture and to
say hello, and I said, hey, I would love to
do it right afterwards, but I just need to be
present with this person right now, and my heart sank.
I didn't want to say no. I get so happy
when I bump into you all at airports, restaurants, wherever
(12:15):
I am. I love it. I really enjoy seeing you all.
And I felt so bad saying hey, you know what,
I'll do it later, but I can't write now because
the person I was talking to was sharing some really emotional,
difficult stuff that they were going through and I wanted
to be present for them. But having done that, I
could tell how much it meant to the person with me,
and I really hope the other person understood. It wasn't
(12:37):
that I was being mean, It's not that I didn't
want to do it. It was just that I was trying
to draw a boundary that was important to me, and
it's really hard. It's really hard. Nine out of ten
times I would say yes immediately, but learning to say
no it's so important. The other thing is that when
we say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment. Think
(12:59):
about this first second. When your friend asks you for
something and you want to say no, but you say
yes to people please. You say yes because you don't
want to let them down. You say yes because you
know they might overreact. What ends up happening in the
long term You end up thinking, God, I hate this person.
I've got to go do this thing for them today.
(13:19):
I've got to get through this thing today. Oh my god,
I've got to do this thing. It's made into resentment.
If you say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment.
Social psychologists find that when people say yes out of obligation,
it leads to cognitive dissonance, a clash between values and actions.
(13:40):
Over time, this erodes relationships more than an honest no. Ever,
could you think saying no will let the other person down? Well,
guess what when you say yes when you don't want to,
you let yourself down, and you let that person down,
and in the long term you actually end up building resentment.
(14:03):
It's better to say no and continue to have a
relationship then say yes and resent the relationship. By saying no,
you protect the quality of your future. Yes people begin
to trust you r yes more because it's no longer
automatic boundaries create credibility. A woman my mum worked with
(14:26):
once told me she had spent her entire life saying yes,
yes to family, yes to her kids, yes to her community.
She was the person everyone leaned on birthdays, last minute babysitting,
emotional support, loaning money, cooking meals, you name it. If
someone asked, she said yes, But behind the yes, she
(14:49):
was exhausted. She felt invisible in her own life. She
told me, I didn't even know what I liked anymore.
I only knew what everyone else want wanted. One day,
her daughter asked her to watch the grandkids again, after
she had already canceled plan twice that week to help.
(15:09):
Something inside her broke for the first time in thirty years.
She said, no, not today, I need rest. Her daughter
was shocked, upset, even guilted her, and that old fear
came flooding in what if she loved me less? What
(15:31):
if I'm needed less? But something surprising happened. The world
didn't fall apart. Her daughter figured it out, and for
the first time, she spent the day doing something just
for herself, reading, walking, and sleeping without apology, and later
her daughter admitted, at first I was mad, but then
(15:53):
I realized you've never said no to me. You deserve to.
That single rewired the entire family dynamic. Her daughter stopped
assuming she'd always be available, Her grandchildren learned by example
that boundaries are normal, and the woman herself she told
me that no felt more like love than all the
(16:17):
yeses I gave For decades. Saying yes constantly had made
her resentful. Saying no finally made her relationships more honest.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for others
is to stop betraying yourself. Learn to say no, Learn
(16:41):
to say not now. Learn to say this doesn't work
for me. Learn to say I can't carry that today.
Learn to say I need space. Learn to say I've
changed my mind. Learn to say I deserve better. Learn
(17:02):
to say yes only when your whole self agrees, because
every fake yes is a quiet betrayal, and every honest
no is an act of respect for you and for them.
Lesser Number three that I've learned in the last twelve
months is your attention is your real bank account. I
(17:26):
noticed a few years ago how when I started using TikTok,
my attention started to diminish, and it took a lot
of effort to bring it back. I was someone who
loved reading books. I was someone who loved getting into
deep journals and articles, and all of a sudden, I
saw myself looking for eight seconds of joy, entertainment, and
(17:47):
speed of consumption, and I started to realize, my attention
is my real bank account. Because what makes or breaks
your life is where you spend your attention. Cognitive psychology
calls this attentional control, and it predicts success better than
IQ think about it. Billionaires go bankrupt, but someone who
(18:12):
can direct their focus can rebuild. Your attention isn't just currency,
its compound interest. Neuroscientists call our attention a limited resource.
Every time you focus, you spend mental energy. Like money,
you can invest it, waste it, or lose it. Unlike money,
(18:34):
you can never get it back. Psychologists have found that
people who learn to direct their attention intentionally, what they read,
what they notice, who they give time to predict life
satisfaction more than income or IQ. Stop wasting your attention
on people who don't value yours. Stop wasting your attention
(18:59):
on problem you can't control. Stop wasting your attention on
scrolling through strangers' lives. Stop wasting your attention. It is
your greatest wealth. When I think about my attention, I
think about it like my back balance. There's only a
(19:20):
limited amount you have to spend. How are you going
to use it? How are you going to direct it?
How are you going to focus it? How are you
going to allow yourself to not be consumed by unnecessary things.
Let's say someone did something really bad to you. Let's
say someone wronged you. How much time do I want
(19:41):
to waste trying to solve that? How much energy do
I want to spend trying to get an apology? How
much time am I willing to give away and never
get back hoping that person will realize what they did
was wrong. We waste hours, days, weeks of our life
(20:03):
on things that won't make a difference. The next time
you're upset by something, ask yourself, do I really care?
Even if I get the result I want, will it
really matter? Or is there a better use of my time?
Is there a better use of my energy? Before we continue,
let's take a quick breather and listen to some of
(20:25):
our sponsors. Hey, it's Jay Shedy and I'm so excited
to share We're launching a brand new subscription on Apple Podcasts.
That means if you want more on purpose, more inspiration,
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(20:46):
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check it out. Welcome back. Now, let's continue this incredible conversation.
(21:09):
Lesson number four is that achievement without alignment feels like failure.
We think success guarantees fulfillment, but psychology shows when your
achievements don't match your values, they feel hollow. That's why
people hit milestones, the promotion, the house, the wedding, and
(21:31):
feel emptier than ever. It's not that the house, the wedding,
or the milestone wasn't important. It's that did you connect
it to your values. Success without alignment isn't success. When
actions and values don't match, the brain experiences internal conflict.
For example, I value family, but I spend all my
(21:54):
time at work. I value creativity, but my role only
rewards efficiency. This dissonance, this distance, creates stress, anxiety, and
eventually burn out, even in successful people. This is what
I've learned this year that really blew my mind. I
want you to remember this. You'll become successful by what
(22:19):
you get. You'll become happy by what you lose. When
you get a new job, a promotion, a new level,
you'll feel successful, but you'll only feel happy when you lose.
When you lose envy, when you lose ego, when you
(22:43):
lose greed. It's when we lose that we become happy.
Because for years I used to hear people say money
doesn't buy happiness, and I used to think to myself, well,
it's really easy, because the people who often say that
are the ones with money, and so that didn't make
sense to me. And also I saw people with money
who are happy. I saw people without money who are happy.
(23:04):
So I said, Okay, well that doesn't make sense either,
So what was it? What I saw is that it
didn't matter what you did have or didn't have in
terms of things, in terms of success, but it did
matter what you did or didn't have internally. So if
you had money but you had envy, you were unhappy.
(23:27):
And if you had money but you didn't have envy,
you could be happy. It was the lack of envy
and the lack of ego that guaranteed happiness no matter
what position you were in, because those were the two
traits that pushed away love and relationships. If you're egotistical,
you turn people off because now they don't want to
(23:49):
be around you. And if you're envious, you get turned
off by people that you don't want to be around.
When you have arrogance and ego and bravado, you push
people away. When you have envy, you do the same thing.
You can't be friends with someone you're envy asarv and
no one wants to be friends with you. When you're
an egotistical, you lose the most valuable part of human life,
(24:13):
which is human connection and relationships. When these two qualities
take over your life as much as we're working on
what we get, we have to work on what we
want to lose. Mastering ego and mastering envy are a
daily practice. They're a daily habit. You will be so
(24:35):
much happier if you reduce your envy. You'll be so
much happier if you reduce your ego. Not just increase
your output, not just increase your productivity, not just increase
your efficiency. I promise you give attention to that part
of your life. I focus on that part of my
life a lot. I call it the seeds and weeds.
(24:57):
I think about envy and ego like weeds in the
garden life that I have to uproot, that I have
to take out, that have to purify, and you feel
so much better for it. Lesson number five. The people
who frustrate you teach you the most about you. Annoyances
aren't random. Psychologists call it projective identification. The traits we
(25:23):
can't stand in others often mirrors parts of ourselves. We
haven't accepted that controlling boss. Maybe it reflects your own
fear of letting go. People are mirrors, not just irritants.
It doesn't mean that they don't have that problem. And
what you're seeing isn't real, it's that you may have
(25:45):
it too. Your triggers are your teachers. Your jealousy is
your guide, Your anger is your mirror. Your irritation shows
you your wounds. Your defensiveness reveals your fear. Your impatience
(26:07):
exposes your expectations. Your sadness highlights your values. Every reaction
is a revelation, Every trigger is a teacher. Life will
keep sending you the same lesson until you learn from it.
(26:28):
Lesser number six, Kindness is remembered longer than achievement. Ask
people about their mentors or loved ones, and they rarely
recall accomplishments. I doubt you end up at a funeral
and hear about someone's accomplishments. I doubt you end up
at a seventieth birthday and hear about someone's accomplishments. I
(26:50):
was actually just at a dear family friend's seventieth birthday
a couple of weeks ago. No one talked about his achievements,
and he has plenty. They recalled moments of kindness, They
recalled moments of genuine sincere connection. Behavioral science shows emotional
(27:12):
memory outlast factual memory. People forget what you achieved. They
don't forget how affectionate you were. People will remember when
you were kind. People will remember when you were caring.
People will remember when you listened without rushing them. People
(27:35):
will remember when you showed up when no one else did.
People will remember when you forgave them at their lowest.
People will remember when you believed in them before anyone
else did. People will remember when you stayed calm while
they fell apart. People will remember when you gave them
(27:58):
dignity instead of judgment. They may forget your wins, they
may forget your work, but they won't forget your energy.
And even if they do forget all of those things,
there'll be one that remembers, and the most important thing.
You will have lived a clean, energetic life. We don't
(28:22):
do those things to be remembered for those things. We
do those things so that we can go to sleep peacefully.
You clean your energy internally so that you can live
in a clean place. Right. You don't clean your home
just because people are coming over. You clean it so
that you can live in a clean home. You don't
clean your mind for everyone else. You do it because
(28:43):
you want to live in a clean place. It's a
huge one, less than number seven. People change more from
being understood than being corrected. We think people need better arguments.
In truth, people need better listeners. Studies on motivational interviewing
(29:04):
show people change when they feel heard, not when they're lectured.
Understanding opens the door that correction keeps locked. Sometimes the
best people get the worst of us, and the worst
people get the best of us. The kindest people get
(29:26):
our pain, and the meanest people get our joy. The
real ones get our silence, and the fake ones get
our performance. The loyal ones get our doubts and the
disloyal ones get our trust. The ones who stay get
our frustration, and the ones who leave get our patients.
(29:48):
We give our apologies to strangers and our harshest words
to the one's closest. We hide our tenderness from the
safe ones and hand out our smiles to the ones
hurt us. That's the tragedy of human behavior. We misplace
our best energy. What I've realized is that we all
(30:10):
lecture the people closest to us. We think if we
tell them what to do, they'll finally get it right.
The reality is people are looking to be validated, heard,
and seen. You may say I know what they're going through.
But have you ever asked them? Have you ever talked
to your partner and just said, I want to hear
from your side how this feels. I want to know
(30:33):
why it is that you keep struggling with this. Not
in a demanding way, in a curious way, in a
genuine way. Remember, people change more from being understood than
being corrected. People change more from being loved than from
being hated. People change more from being validated, then pushed
(30:57):
and judged lesser. Number eight. This one blew my mind,
and it's from one of my favorite authors of all time.
We remember endings more than middles. It sounds obvious, but
stay with me for how it applies to life. Psychologist
Daniel Karneman has a rule called his peak end rule,
(31:21):
and it shows that we judge experiences not by how
long they lasted, but by the peak moment and the
ending moment. That's why a single kind goodbye or one
cruel exit defines the whole relationship in our memory. The
peak and rule is a psychological principle discovered by Nobel
(31:44):
Prize winning psychologist Daniel Karnoman and his colleague Amos Twevsky.
It says we don't judge an experience by its average
or total duration. We judge it by two moments. One
the peak, the most intense spot, whether good or bad,
and number two the end. How the experience concluded. Everything
(32:07):
else fades into the background. So Carnaman did a famous
cold water experiment that proved this. Participants put their hand
in painfully cold water for sixty seconds. In a second trial,
they put their hand in cold water for ninety seconds,
but in the last thirty seconds the water was made
(32:29):
slightly warmer. It was still cold but a little less painful. Logically,
the second trial should be worse ninety seconds of pain
instead of sixty, but most people preferred the longer trial
because the ending was less painful. The brain didn't remember
the full timeline. It remembered the peak and the end.
(32:52):
Now what does this mean for us in our life
and our relationships? One cruel goodbye can overshadow years of love.
I'm sure there's someone that you loved on that you
cared about, that you did so much for, But because
you didn't end on good terms, they hate you right
because you didn't end on good terms. They talk bad
about you because you didn't end on good terms. They
(33:12):
say hurtful things about you to everyone else. Right, I'm
sure you can relate, and one kind act at the
end of someone's life can heal decades of distance. We
don't carry the full record. We carry the peak and
the ending. Now, how does this apply to work? People
rarely remember the dozens of average meetings. They remember the
(33:36):
one inspiring keynote and how they felt when they left
the company. And what about daily experiences, whether it's vacations, weddings, concerts,
People remember the highlight moment and the final moments. A
bad flight home can sour the whole vacation. We think
(33:56):
life is measured in hours and days, but memory measures
life in moments and endings. End things well. Always leave
people and places better and happier than you find them.
Don't let things end on a bad note. Number two.
(34:20):
Design peaks don't aim to make everything perfect. Create intentional moments,
a surprise note and unexpected thank you, one unforgettable experience.
Peaks matter more than perfection. Number three. Manage endings in conflict.
Even if a conversation is hard, end it with respect.
(34:45):
Simply by saying I care about you even if we disagree.
Can change how the entire interaction is remembered. So there
you have it. Those are the lessons that I have
learned in the last twelve months. And as every important
teacher has said before, you repeat what you don't repair.
(35:08):
You repeat what you don't reflect on. You repeat what
you don't release, You repeat what you don't reveal, You
repeat what you don't reframe, You repeat what you don't
respect in yourself, and you repeat what you don't take
(35:29):
responsibility for. Patterns don't disappear with time, They disappear with work.
So I hope you always remember to try and do that.
On your birthday, take a moment to do I hope these
have helped. Thank you so much for listening and watching.
Remember I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting
(35:50):
for you. If you love this podcast, you love my
episode with Lewis Hamilton. Lewis and I talk about why
you should stop chasing societies definition of success and how
to be more intentional with your goals. You don't want
to miss it like. It's not about being perfect. It's
about just every day, one step at a time, trying
to be better, trying to do more. I'm learning a
(36:11):
lot about myself I have to break myself down in
order to be able to be better
Host
Jay Shetty
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