Why Your Self Worth is Keeping You Stuck & How to Stop Sabotaging Your Personal Growth With Jamie Kern Lima

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So this idea that your weight determines your worth is
a lie, and it is a lie that is impacting
so many of us Right now as we speak, eighty
nine percent of girls and women will opt out of
meaningful activities, including interacting with friends or loved ones when
they don't like how they look, and self doubt will

(00:20):
kill more dreams than almost anything else. Don't wait on
your weight to live your best life.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
Hey everyone, I've got some huge news to share with you.
In the last ninety days, seventy nine point four percent
of our audience came from viewers and listeners that are
not subscribed to this channel. There's research that shows that
if you want to create a habit, make it easy
to access. By hitting the subscribe button, you're creating a

(00:49):
habit of learning how to be happier, healthier, and more healed.
This would also mean the absolute world to me and
help us make better, bigger, brighter for you in the world.

Speaker 3 (01:01):
Subscribe right now. The number one health and wellness podcast,
Jay Send Jay Shed.

Speaker 2 (01:11):
Hey everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the place you
come back to listen, learn and grow. I am so
excited because today's guest is a guest who's on for
her second time, but thankfully this time in person. Last
time we recorded, I believe it's during the pandemic, we
were doing virtual interviews. I'm so glad we're not doing
those anymore. I'm talking about my dear friend, Jamie can Lima,

(01:34):
a New York Times best selling author, founder of IT Cosmetics,
a company she started in her living room and sold
to Lareal in a billion dollar deal, becoming the first
female CEO of a brand in its one hundred year history.
Jamie is also an active philanthropist who has funded leadership
training in more than one hundred prisons and shelters across

(01:57):
the United States, and has donated over fourteen million dollars
in product and funds to help women face the effects
of cancer with confidence. Jamie is donating one hundred percent
of her author proceeds of her new book Worthy to
charity as well.

Speaker 3 (02:13):
How to Believe you.

Speaker 2 (02:14):
Are Enough and transform your life Simple steps, life changing results.
This is the book that I want you to go
and grab order it right now. The book is available
as we speak. Please welcome to the show the author
of Worthy, Jamie Canlee, Ma, Jamie, thank you for being here.

Speaker 1 (02:31):
Yay thank you so much for having me. I am excited.
This is going to be an amazing episode.

Speaker 3 (02:35):
No, I just want to tell people just so you know.

Speaker 2 (02:37):
Jamie arrived an hour ago and we've spent an hour
just chatting.

Speaker 3 (02:41):
And hanging out.

Speaker 2 (02:42):
And I love it because I always love spending time
with you. We became friends through a mutual friend, Brendan Bouchard,
a few years ago, and I've always loved connecting with you,
learning from you, hearing about how you have these divine
downloads as you call them, and how you channel in
your work. Yeah, and I remember when you actually told

(03:02):
me when you were divinely downloading this book. Yes, and
I wanted to start off by There's so many things
I want to talk about in the book, but the
thing that's calling me to start with is.

Speaker 3 (03:15):
Do you feel worthy today?

Speaker 1 (03:17):
Our self worth is our stealing in every area of life.
And Jay, I have to tell you, for the longest
time of my life, like I believe this lie that
if I achieve enough, I will finally feel enough. And
right now I can tell you I feel more worthy

(03:39):
than I ever have. But it is a daily it
is a daily practice, it's a daily intention and for
anyone who is with us right now listening watching, who's
ever had a goal, like a big goal or a
dream and they thought, you know, once I finally get
that thing, then I'm going to feel enough and happy

(04:00):
and fulfilled. And then you get that thing, and maybe
you worked for like a week or a month or
several years, and then you get it and you're like
happy for a while, but you're like, why do I
still feel like something's missing or like I'm not enough?
And that was me most of my entire life. And
usually when that happens, we think, oh, I've just got
to work harder. I've just got to level up and

(04:21):
hustle more and get the next thing and the next thing.
And so I spent oh my gosh, decades of my
life kind of as an achiever, but deep down inside
not feeling like I was enough. Yet I thought I
would solve that by doing all these things on the
outside that the world told me makes you enough. And

(04:43):
what's wild is even after not to like jump way ahead,
but even after achieving some of these things that the
days I was a Denny's waitress, I could not have
imagined selling my company for a one point two billion
dollars cash right, or becoming the first CEO, oh of
you know, a brand in Loreal's history, any of those things.

(05:03):
I couldn't have imagined those happening. And yet I found
myself in a moment in my life where I was
achieving all of these things and still feeling like I
wasn't enough. And here's the thing, what I learned the
hard way is when we achieve all these things, we
build a lot of self confidence, which is really important,
but none of them build self worth, which is different.

(05:26):
And when we have a lot of confidence, when we're
crushing it on the outside, but deep down inside we
don't feel like we're enough, it will show up in
our lives and we may not show up in our career,
It might show up in our relationships, it might not
show up in you know, different areas. And I found
myself at this in this moment in time where I
was so confident and all these things were going right,

(05:48):
and I'd put decades of hard work, and I still
didn't feel like I was enough, and I was still
sabotaging things in my life. And it was really only
three years ago where there was a big moment that
happened in my life with Oprah actually where I realized,
oh my gosh, I am so confident, but I actually
have a lot of self confidence, but I actually don't

(06:09):
have a lot of self worth. And they're very different.
And you know, our self worth is our ceiling, and
it's why, you know, even if we arrive at that goal,
whether it's like a career thing or getting married and
having kids, or finally getting a six pack abs or
you know whatever, the things you still take you with you,

(06:31):
which is why you still arrive there. And you're like,
why do I still feel like I'm not enough? And
as you and I are talking, eighty percent of women
don't believe they are enough. Seventy three percent of men
feel inadequate and not enough. Right, and then you look
at other areas of life. Seventy five percent of women
deal with imposter syndrome, more than fifty percent of men
deal with it. When we believe we are not enough

(06:55):
as we are a it is a lie. It is
a lie, but packs almost every area of our life.
So a big reason why I wrote worthy is because
I realized, oh my goodness, like in life, we don't
become what we want. We become what we believe we're
worthy of and that is the thing. Our self worth

(07:17):
is our ceiling. And so it's really a book about,
you know, believe that. My first book was my story
of learning to believe in myself. And Worthy is really
like a playbook, like how do you believe in you?
It's packed with over twenty tools on it on building
self worth, and it's just the one thing because it's
the identity level, Like our self confidence is really important,

(07:38):
but it's it's an internal trait, but it's based so
much on the external, on like our willingness to try
and go for it. You know, how we feel we
stack up and compare to others, and how much of
the world's definition of success we have if we're winning
or losing, and they show, you know, studies show the
boxer who wins the fight is automatically thirty percent more confident.

(07:58):
Our confidence is really important. It's an important part of
our life, but it's fragile, it fluctuates. You know, our
self worth is different. It's that deep internal knowing and
belief that we are worthy of love and belonging exactly
as we are, not as our past mistakes or failures
or regrets, not as our future successes, but like innately

(08:20):
and exactly as we are, And a lot of people worry, well,
if I believe that was enough as I am, will
I lose my ambition while I lose my edge. It's like,
oh no, you don't. You actually become more ambitious because
when you learn to believe you are enough exactly as
you are, you become fearless about going for things because
you know, even if you fail or fall flat on

(08:41):
your face or your embarrassed or it doesn't go well,
like that might shake your confidence, but it cannot touch
your self worth because your self worth is your identity,
your foundation. It's almost like our self confidence is the
house with all the rooms and the art and that
we're building in our life, which is so important, but
our self worth is the foundation under it, and our

(09:03):
house is only ever as stable and secure as that foundation.
So yeah, I have been obsessed with self worth, with
building it. It is just the one thing that changes
everything and for most of us, like we can go
into this if you want, but there's like three main
areas that shows up in our life when we're struggling

(09:24):
with it. So but I'm really passionate about it.

Speaker 3 (09:26):
Yeah, I love it.

Speaker 2 (09:27):
I love the distinction you just made between confidence and
self worth. Yeah, because I think we often get those
two confused so often, and we feel if I'm confident,
then nothing else matters, and we're chasing confidence. And you
shared some of these just now, But when I've read this,
it really hit me. And it's on the first page
of the book, so you can't miss it. But I'm

(09:48):
just going to share this if you don't mind, because
I looked at these stats and it just was like
a punch in the gut when I read it, because
I was like, this really hit me. So listen to this.
This is reading from Worthy by Jamie Kenlema, page one.
It says, for the eighty percent of women who don't
believe they're enough, the seventy five percent of female executives

(10:08):
who deal with imposter syndrome, and the ninety one percent
of girls and women who don't love their bodies. For
the seventy three percent of men who feel inadequate, and
the one hundred percent of men who come from a
woman and likely have at least one girl or woman
in their lives whom they care about. When you believe
you're fundamentally not enough, and unworthy as a person. It's

(10:32):
a lie. The time to unlearn that lie has come together.
Let's leave no girl, no woman, no person left behind
in knowing.

Speaker 3 (10:41):
They are worthy.

Speaker 2 (10:42):
Oh wow, Like when I read that, I was like,
those stats just put into perspective, because I think we
often think of feeling worthy or self worth as kind
of like this soft thing, right, and all of a sudden,
you read the statistics on it, and you think, but
wait a minute, we're all dealing with this like in

(11:04):
some way, in some area of our life.

Speaker 1 (11:06):
And exactly what you said, we and me most I
thought self confidence and self worth were the same thing.
So when we're struggling with not feeling enough, and maybe
so many people listening to us right now, have you
know all of this stuff on the outside that everyone
tells you should make you feel enough, And it's because
we're all confusing. We think we just need more self confidence,

(11:27):
but what we really need is more self worth. And
they're so different. But we try to solve our feelings
of not enoughness with things that just build self confidence,
but none of them build self worth, and they're so different. Like,
so many people think they need more self confidence, which
is important, but it's so so, so different and for

(11:49):
self worth. If someone's listening to us right now, they're like, oh,
wait a minute, is this why I don't feel fulfilled?
Or is this way I feel like it's never I'm
never enough for self worth. I'm just getting so fired
up on it. But it shows up for so many
of us. Like you look at those numbers, it's like,
oh my gosh, three ways it shows up. So if

(12:09):
we have low self worth right and again, you can
be crushing it on the outside and you can be
hiding this really well. But if you have low self worth,
for a lot of us, it looks like we're stuck
and we don't know why we're stuck, and we don't
know why, and we tell ourselves like, for example, maybe
we know we want to write a book, or we

(12:29):
want to share our ideas at work, or we want
to put our art out into the world, or we
want to find a life partner, and but we're not
putting ourselves on the dating app or we're not like
going out and socializing, or we're not raising our hand
and sharing our idea on the zoom caller. We haven't
written the first word of our book, and we tell
ourselves stories like oh, I just need more experience, or

(12:51):
I need to get more skill sets, or all these
reasons why we're stuck, and they may be true, But
what a lot of us don't realize is the reason
we're is because deep down inside, we actually don't believe
we're worthy of the thing. And that will keep you
stuck all day long and not knowing why, because again,
your self worth is your ceiling right, and we don't

(13:13):
soar to the level of our goals and dreams. We
stay stuck at the level of our self worth every time,
and that's really how low self worth often shows up.
And then when you have a load to medium self worth,
what that looks like maybe a lot of people listening
can identify with this. It looks like you'll go for
the thing, like you'll put yourself out there, but then

(13:34):
you'll either hit a ceiling a plateau, and you're trying
for a breakthrough and you don't know why, Like maybe
you want to grow your follower account, you want to
grow your business to six figures, but you're hitting a
ceiling at five figures and you don't know why you
can't break past it, or or you'll go for it
but you'll sabotage it. Right, you'll go for it and
you'll sabotage it along the way. You'll meet a potential

(13:57):
partner and you'll be like, they're amazing, and then you
somehow are attracted to them and you put them in
the friend zone. Or you'll write the book and then
you won't send it out, like you'll go for the thing,
but you'll stabbed it because deep down inside you don't
believe you're worthy of it. And the third most common way,
and this is for people who are ambitious or achievers.

(14:20):
This is very, very common. This is me a lot
in my life. You'll go for the thing and you'll
actually make it happen, you'll actually achieve it, you'll actually
but you arrive at it still feeling like something's missing,
still feeling like it's not enough, still feeling like you're
not enough, and so you feel unfulfilled. And then you think,

(14:40):
I've just got to achieve more and more and more
and more and more. And the most beautiful part about
building self worth is that you realize, okay, I am
which this is the truth, Jay, every single person listening
to us right now, this is the most beautiful part
every one of us. I do not care mistakes. Your
past failure is what you think you got wrong, who

(15:03):
you think you hurt, that you wish you didn't any
of that. I don't, and I don't care how much
success you have. None of that matters. Every person right
now is fully, fully worthy, exactly as you are. And
this journey isn't about learning some stuff you gotta do
to be worried. This is about unlearning the lies that

(15:23):
lead to self doubt and then igniting those truths that
wake up worthiness in us. And that is the part
I'm most excited about when I'm jumping out of my
chair because when I think about everybody listening, when I
think about everyone listening and watching you and I right now,
the moment you learn to believe you are worthy, oh

(15:44):
my gosh, like that is the moment where it feels
like breakthrough, it feels like joy, it tastes like freedom.
It's the moment when and healthy relationships end. It's the
moment when you put your dreams and ideas out there,
no matter how they are received. It's the moment you
share your idea is It's the moment businesses are launched,
and I just yeah, I'm so passionate about this because

(16:05):
and I talk about this and worthy a lot that like,
you know, we don't in life, in life, in our relationships,
in in in our friendships and our hopes and dreams,
that that we don't rise to what we believe is possible, right,
And it's hard to believe things are possible. But even
then we don't rise to what we believe is possible,
we still fall to what we believe we're worthy of.

(16:27):
It is that one thing at an identity level that
we will always return to and and building. It is everything.
So yeah, I have you ever had a guest jump
out of your chair before?

Speaker 2 (16:41):
No, it comes, of course, And I'm glad that you
raised that because what I wanted to do with you,
which I think would be really important, which is what
resonated so strongly with me about your book, was these lies.
Like as I sat here and I read through the lies, yeah,
I was just like, I've told myself that one, I've
told myself that, one, I've told myself that one.

Speaker 3 (16:59):
I've told myself that.

Speaker 2 (17:00):
And I think our community who's listening to on purpose
right now or watching will definitely feel like these lies
are relatable. So I'd love to dive into some of
them that really stick out to me. And I love
that you've made about unlearning lies rather than building self worth,
because it almost feels so hard to be like, well,
how do I build my self worth? But when you

(17:20):
recognize that actually we're trying to extract and excavate through
all of these lies, it makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 3 (17:26):
So let's start with I want to start.

Speaker 2 (17:28):
I'm not going to go through all of them because
I want you guys to read the book, but I'm
going to pick out a couple that really resonated with me.
The first one that really resonated with me was, of course,
don't wait on your weight. The lie my weight impacts
my worth. This has been conditioned deeply into society and

(17:49):
into culture that their weight impacts their worth. Everyone, even
if they don't say it, subconsciously feels it in some
way or another. There's comparison as envy, there's images that
are put in front of you about what you should
be aiming for and what you should be woke us
through that personally and in how we unlearn.

Speaker 1 (18:11):
That, yes, the lie your weight determines your worth has
cost so many of us, like so much in our
life believing that lie. And I talk a lot about
this idea of don't wait on your weight to live
your best life. And this is a whole chapter in

(18:32):
Worthy Like You, Like You Should, I go into all
these lies and how do you unlearn them? And this
chapter is not about your weight. It's about that if
you've been waiting on your weight to live your best life,
or by the way, the weight of expectations, other people's expectations,
or your own, what weight are you, you know, letting

(18:53):
hold you down? So this idea that your weight determines
your worth is a lie, and it is a lie
that is impacting so many of us right now as
we speak, eighty nine percent, eighty nine percent of girls
and women will opt out of meaningful activities, including interacting
with friends or loved ones, when they don't like how

(19:15):
they look. And jay most of my life, I believe
this lie, even when I was crushing it by all
other measures. I still, even when I built a company
that was inspiring and does inspire millions and millions and
millions of people to embrace who they are, I was

(19:36):
still believing this lie that my weight determined my worth,
and I was still waiting on my weight for that
and the big way to overcome this lie because first
of all, it is a lie. Second of all, for
anyone who has hit fitness goals or hit weight goal,
they know you still arrive at that goal and you
still don't feel in that it does not it does

(19:56):
not change who you are, right because because it is
an external thing that can fluctuate confidence, but it is
it does not impact your worth. That's the first thing.
No matter what your weight is or isn't it, it
is irrelevant to your self worth and understanding. That's really
really important. But then how to break free of this

(20:17):
lie is to flip it on its head, which is
what happened to me in my life. And as human beings,
as you know, we're wired to avoid pain at all costs.
And we think, oh if I you know, we're waiting
on our weight to to live our best lives. And
we think, oh, because I'm not what I think I

(20:37):
need to look like, I'm going to skip out on
the event. I'm not going to go.

Speaker 3 (20:41):
To the party, apply for the job.

Speaker 1 (20:42):
I'm not going to apply for the job. I'm not
going to put myself out in the dating world until
I'm this or that I'm going to stand in the
back of the photo. Right, I'm not going to live
my best life. And because I think I attach pain
to that attack, the pain of oh I might be
judged if I go out in a swimsuit. Oh I

(21:03):
might get disapproval, I might be all of these things,
and so we hide. When you flip this around, this
is for everyone listening right now, and this impacts men
in a huge way too, as well as women. But
the numbers are just staggering. But when you flip it
around and go, well, wait a minute, what has waiting
on my weight already cost me in my life? That

(21:28):
pain of the regret, when we flip it around and
think of it that way, that pain is far more
painful than well, what happens if I'm judged at a party.
And in my life I spent decades like telling myself, oh,
nothing fits, I'm just not going to go I'm just
going to miss out on this. And it was having

(21:48):
my daughter and I remember this moment, Jay. I was
at a public hotel, lots of people there, people I
knew were there, and my daughter was one years old
and going to go swimming for the first time, and
I was literally on the side of the pool. I
look so cute, but I was covered up, covered up
in a edit swim suit. But I was covered up,
covered up, covered up, sunglasses, had all the things. And

(22:10):
I was like, I'm just gonna watch my husband take
her and swim. And I had this moment where I'm like,
I know why I'm gonna sit here and watch. I'm
about to miss out on the first moment my daughter's
gonna swim because I am still waiting on my weight
to live my best life. And when I looked at like,

(22:31):
what has this already cost me? The memories, the joy,
the all of it, right, And I also realized me
doing this is actually me telling her she is not
worthy of her of her body, right. And I'm like,
the pain of that is far more. And that was
the moment I literally took my cover up off. I

(22:54):
walked over to the pool in front of everyone. I
shook my cellulite with joy, like jiggled my satelite with
joy Jashetty and I got right in the pool. I
swam with my daughter wonder and I'm like, I'm done.
I am done waiting on my weight. And here's the thing. Y'all.
First of all, no one cares you know what I

(23:15):
mean about, even even people that are really high profile
that at the end of the day, it cannot impact
your worth. And to unlearn this lie. The most important
thing first of all is to realize it has been
a lie impacting you, and then to go, wow, okay,
let me really understand the difference between self worth and
self confidence and understanding the difference and then understanding, okay,

(23:39):
this lies impacting my self confidence. It doesn't touch my worth,
but it is impacting my self confidence. Now how do
I unlearn it? There? How do I unlearn it? And
this is how you learn it? And I go deep
into how to do this in the book because when
we can reframe a lie and believe and not only
associate more pain with believing it than with just going
for it, that's when as human being will go for it.

Speaker 2 (24:00):
No, I think that question that you asked is huge,
that question.

Speaker 3 (24:04):
Of what has it cost me?

Speaker 1 (24:07):
Yes?

Speaker 2 (24:07):
And to think that you could have never had that
experience with your daughter, who is adorable, but like to
have that moment with her?

Speaker 1 (24:17):
Do you remember?

Speaker 3 (24:18):
Do you remember? I'm going to share this with you.

Speaker 1 (24:21):
So we were at an airport together and my daughter
the first time she met Jay, she walks up to
you and she calls you dad.

Speaker 3 (24:27):
She's adorable as well, so I was like, I'll take you.

Speaker 2 (24:30):
I'll tell you.

Speaker 3 (24:30):
She's so cute.

Speaker 1 (24:31):
She's really shy. She just walks right up to you
and cause you Dad. I'm like, what's happening right now?

Speaker 3 (24:37):
That's so funny.

Speaker 2 (24:38):
I love it.

Speaker 1 (24:38):
You remember my husband poly comesamic pol I promise.

Speaker 3 (24:40):
You don't worry.

Speaker 2 (24:43):
So cute And it's like to think, I love that
question because I think it's really practical for everyone listening
and watching right now to ask yourself what does it
already cost you?

Speaker 3 (24:52):
And what is it going to cost you? That memory
with your.

Speaker 2 (24:54):
Child, yes, that potential job that fulfills your dream, that
great memory with friends, that whatever it may be, like,
we're all missing out on something because of that, and
that is such a great just that one question, just
that question is a great.

Speaker 3 (25:09):
Way to read.

Speaker 1 (25:10):
And I know we're going to dive into some of
the lives this whole book when when, oh my gosh, Jay,
this is the thing when you ask yourself what is
self doubt already cost you in your life? Right? And
then you look at it from that perspective, and a
lot of us we spend so much time building skill
sets and those are important, you know, you know, you
know I was talking about it's important to put in
the reps and get the experience and all the things,

(25:33):
but also learning how to unlearn the lives that lead
a self doubt. Oh my gosh, because again, our self
worth is our ceiling and so just it's so powerful.

Speaker 2 (25:43):
Yeah. And we've had that doubting voice, whether it's come
through teachers, family members, whether it's come through your friend
at school, whatever it was. We've all adopted doubting voices
over time. Yes, and now we've replayed them to ourselves
in our own voice, and we think they're us, when

(26:03):
in fact they've just been conditioned and trained.

Speaker 4 (26:07):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (26:07):
And self doubt will kill more dreams than almost anything else,
like literally, and it is a lie, right, And self
doubt lives in our head. It's our thoughts, but it
is not you. It is not you. And it's like
our knowing, our truth, our worthiness. I feel like it's
in our soul, it's innate. I remember a moment Jay

(26:28):
where my whole life I as a little girl, I
was their home alone and I'd watch Oprah and she
was like my hero, right, and I dreamed of meeting
her one day. So for everyone listening, maybe you had
a like a maybe your hero was Superman or like
we all have different I dreamed of meeting her. I'd
watch her and I'm like, one day I'm going to
host a show and share other people's stories with the world.
And she was just my hero my whole life. And

(26:50):
I remember this moment as a little girl where I'm like,
I'm going to meet her. I just had this knowing
I'm going to meet her, which made no sense. I'm
in the middle of a suburb of Washington State, like
I just knew it, and I dared to believe it
was going to happen. I dared, I prayed it would happen.
Fast forward thirty nine years and I had a chance
to meet her at an event which is the long

(27:12):
story I won't go into. It was amazing. And then
after it went by so fast, I wrote her a
letter after and sent it to her chief of staff,
which is one in a billion that she would read
that the chief of staff would read it. Amy was
her name, Then one in a billion she would share it.
Then one in a billion Oprah would read it. All
those things happened, and Oprah invite I meet her house
for lunch. And I'm sharing this because everyone listening, I think,

(27:35):
is going to have an AHA on their own life
with how we handle and how we sabotage things we
don't believe we're worthy of. And now this was my dream,
my whole life. And I went to her house for lunch,
which is like what in the world, right, And we
had a three hour lunch just me and her. At
the very end, this is my lifelong dream. At the

(27:57):
very end of it, she gave me her cell phone number.
She said, call me anytime. You can call me anytime,
and Jay, in this moment my life, and I just
want everyone to put theirselves in these shoes because we
all do this. I was really confident. I did not
know there is a big difference between self confidence and
self worth. And everything was going right in my life

(28:19):
right like I just sold a cosmetic trel to money
like the Forbes list. All these things were and I
was really confident. And the day she gave me her number,
I did not call her for four years, literally didn't
call her for four years. And in that four year stretch.
I told myself stories that I thought were true, like, oh,
I just need to have the perfect thing to say,

(28:41):
then I'm gonna call her, or I bet everyone wants
something from her. I'm going to prove I don't need anything.
I'm not, you know, I tell myself. And literally four
years later it hit me like this light bulb that
burst where I was like, the real reason I have
not called her was because deep down inside I didn't
believe I was worthy of being her friend. And this

(29:02):
is what self worth low self worth will do to you.
You can have a lot of confidence, you could be
crushing it everywhere, but you sabotage an opportunity, You sabotage
your marriage, you sabotage your friendship. It shows up in
different areas. And that was the day you remind me
of the story because you're talking about our thoughts and
our self doubt. That was the day when this happened

(29:22):
and I realized it. I literally I imagine myself turning
down the dial like almost like a volume dial and
of a radio of my thoughts and my self doubt
that says you are not worthy of being her friend.
And I imagine like turning up the volume on my soul,
like my knowing, because I am a kick ass friend.

(29:43):
I know I am worthy of being her or anyway,
I am such a good friend and I know that,
and I remember turning the volume up on that knowing.
And that was the moment I called her, when I
learned to turn down the volume on the lies that
tell us we are not enough and unworthy and like
tune into our soul and to our knowing. And that

(30:04):
was the day I called her. At first I called her,
she did not answer. I was like, oh my gosh,
for you.

Speaker 3 (30:09):
She didn't answer.

Speaker 1 (30:10):
But then I called again and she did. And that
was the day I became obsessed with studying self worth
because I realized, oh my gosh, while self confidence is
so important, while I've worked so hard and I'm so proud,
and I believe, we always need to be building self
confidence and growing and contributing to something bigger than ourselves
to feel fulfillment. All of those things are multiplied by

(30:33):
our level of self worth and anything time zero is zero.
So if we do not feel we are enough deep down,
it is why we will be perpetually unfulfilled, no matter
how much we achieve and what is the point of
all of it if we are unfulfilled and don't enjoy it?
And so became obsessed with studying self worth. And I
just think about how, you know, I taught a course

(30:56):
with her this last year and now it's and it
almost didn't happen. And when I think about, what does
self that already cost you? Like for everyone listening and
watching us right now, what hasn't happened? Like I almost
so many times Jay doubted myself out of my own destiny, right,
and like this is why building self worth is so important.

(31:16):
I'm a little passionate about that.

Speaker 3 (31:19):
Worthy, the little passionate. I love it.

Speaker 2 (31:22):
No, But you have a chapter in here called Change
your Relationship with Rejection, Yes, And I think what's really
interesting about that is that rejection is a reminder that
we don't have self worth. Right.

Speaker 3 (31:35):
That's the root of why it hurts so much, is.

Speaker 2 (31:38):
Because when someone rejects us, it reminds us of how
we've been rejecting ourselves time and time and time and
time again. We haven't showed up for ourself, we haven't
lived our authentic self. We have rejected ourself. And so
when someone rejects that part of us, it causes so
much pain. So when you're telling us to change your

(32:00):
relationship with rejection, yes, how does one even stop? Because
I think, whether someone's trying to become an actor, whether
someone's trying to get a job, whether someone's trying to
find a partner, rejection is almost the path.

Speaker 3 (32:16):
Yes, but we don't always see it that way.

Speaker 1 (32:18):
Yes, And I love what you just said, which is
so insightful. Every single time we show up inauthentically too,
every time we're not who we are. Every time we
show up as our representative in a room or the
people pleaser and we say yes when we mean no,
Or any time we show up as someone who we
think other people want us to be, but not as

(32:39):
who we are, we are telling ourselves we are unworthy
of being who we are, and we slowly but surely
chip away at our self worth. There's a whole chapter
in here called You're not crazy, You're just first, And
it's all about the power and the data behind it
of Oh my gosh, about how so often the things
that we think are wrong or odd or quirky or
off or different or strange or or wrong about us

(33:00):
are actually the things that are most right about us.
And literally I built a billion dollar business figuring this out.
Is this tastes like freedom when you embrace this, this
tastes like freedom. I'm so excited for everyone to read
that chapter and also the one you're talking about. When
you change your relationship with rejection, you change your life
and exactly what you said. So again, so a lot

(33:23):
of us associate so much pain with getting rejected or
failing right that will stay stuck and and to your point,
it can hit deeper. So here's the thing. Whether we've
been rejecting ourselves by not showing up authentically, or a
lot of us are unaware of past rejections or failures.

(33:44):
And when we build self worth, what's beautiful is rejections
and failures. They just shake our confidence for a bit,
but they cannot touch our self worth. But for a
lot of us, we've had past rejections or failures that,
yes have hurt our confidence, but we've let them take
real at an identity level, and we've started to believe
we're a failure or we're a reject, and that is

(34:06):
when they crush yourself worth. And so I go into
a four part framework called the four RS. And this chapter,
and it is, oh my gosh, this might be my
favorite chapter because this was almost its own book. When
you change your relationship with the rejection, you change your life.
I did not want to wait two and a half
more years to put it out, which, as you know,
as an author, you have to wait. I'm like, no,

(34:28):
pe believe this now. So it's now chapter two in
the book. But here's the thing. When I was building
it cosmetics, what a lot of people don't know. They
just kind of read the press headline, oh Denny's waitress
builds billion dollar company. But it was hundreds and hundreds
of rejections along the way. It was so many people
that I just love, and I used to save my

(34:48):
Denny's tip money to buy a lipstick at Sephora, and
in the departments are like, I love shopping there, and
all of a sudden, they're telling me, no, that my
idea is not going to work, the brand's not going
to And this was no, after no, after no, after no.
And from the point I launched this business in my
living room, it was three years before I could even
afford to pay myself a penny. But then hundreds and

(35:10):
hundreds and hundreds of nos And here's the thing. A
lot of people, maybe they know it cosmetics today and
they see it at Sephora or at all to Beauty
or at you know, in the department stores on QVC,
and they don't realize it was actually years of all
of them saying no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no no, and Jay, sometimes it wasn't just no, it

(35:30):
was like no come back later, it was like no.
Like some of the nos were so painful, I would
cry myself to sleep under the covers. And most of
us have so much pain attached to rejection that we
give up after one no or five nos, or we
start to think that someone else's rejection or no or

(35:51):
disbelief in us or whatever it might be, is some
indication of our potential or some indication of our idea
or our dream or our te and it is not.
It is not. And so what I my intention behind
this chapter was, I was like, Okay, let me break
down at a granular level, what are the tools on

(36:12):
how to reframe rejection so that you actually embrace it
in a way where you become fearless over it? And
I break down the four rs, which is how I
went from you know, going through hundreds of rejections and
literally not letting them take root, literally deciding like, oh,
you know, this is no indication if my business is

(36:33):
going to make it, if my idea is right. And
there was one moment after this really painful rejection from QVC,
and I knew in my knowing, right we talk about
our knowing. In my knowing, Jay, I knew like I'm
supposed to be doing this, And every time i'd pray
or get still, I just felt this knowing like I'm
supposed to be doing it. But everyone around me was
telling me no. Potential investors were telling me no. All

(36:56):
these retailers were telling me no. And two things for
anyone who needs this today, what I realized is, Okay,
I'm getting all these nos. But when I get still,
and for some people that's meditation, for some people that's prayer.
When I get still and I pray, I will hear
a knowing. And every one of us has a knowing,
and your knowing is more powerful than anyone else's advice.

(37:19):
And in this case, I had this journey of all
these nos, and I had my knowing, and I believe
which one you listen to? Do you listen to the nose,
and sometimes our thoughts we're the ones telling ourselves the
most painful nose or do you listen to your knowing? Right,
And whether you listen to the nose or the knowing,
I think your life, your business, your relationships can come

(37:40):
down to which one you listen to. But when we're
in the journey of understanding that, the nose can be
really painful. So there was one particular moment I was
crying under my covers from another rejection from KVC, and
I started googling every thought leader, every person who has
helped me with humanity forward, every person in business who's
ever built incredible things. Every single one of them has

(38:03):
faced countless rejections, countless failures, countless setbacks. They're just the
brave ones willing to keep going anyways. And what I
realized in that moment was every time I had been
getting a no up till then, the first thought I'd
have is yet there's proof I'm not enough right So,
and why that's important is for everyone listening, if you

(38:24):
imagine yourself getting rejected, or imagine yourself putting yourself out
there telling the person you want to be more than
just friends, or putting an idea on social media, or
going for the business or applying for the job, and
you imagine yourself getting rejected or failure or failing at it.
Think about the first thought you think, Like for me
most of my whole life, it was Yep, I'm not enough.

(38:45):
Proof I'm not. For a lot of us, that first
thought is so painful. And by the way, that first
thought is actually your current definition of rejection or failure.
That is the meaning, whether you know it or not,
that you're assigning to rejection or failure. And that meaning
for so many of us is so painful that it
will keep us stuck. We will quit, we will give up,

(39:07):
right And so for me my whole life, it was, oh, yeah,
there's proof I'm not enough. And in this single moment
crying under the covers, then googling all these people and realizing, wow,
they've all had a million rejections. They're just the brave
ones willing to keep going anyways, And that day I
wrote down, rejection does not mean I'm not enough. Rejection

(39:28):
means I'm one of the brave ones. Like it's a victory.
I'm one of the brave ones willing to keep going.
Forward anyway, I am not one of the ones sitting
on the sidelines in regret, right, No, I'm one of
the brave ones. And so I reframed it, and then
every time I got another no, I committed right, because
right away I would think, oh, yeah, proof I'm not enough,
like no, no, no, no, I'd intercept that thought replace it

(39:50):
with this new definition, like this is a victory means
I'm one of the brave ones willing to go for it,
and I believe that to be true. And so this
four part our framework is to reveal your current definition
of rejection, which we all did right the first thought
you have and you rejected or failure, that's actually your
current definition. And for a lot of us, it's real

(40:11):
painful when I ask groups of people this. It's like
I shouldn't have even tried. I'm a loser, I'm stupid.
Why did I go for it? That's your current definition exactly.
And so then when you redefine it, which is what
I started to do in that moment where I wrote out, oh,
rejection doesn't mean I'm not enough, it means I'm one
of the brave ones willing to go for it. And

(40:31):
then I started building a toolbox in my life. That's
great of new definitions. So another one I love is rejections.
God's protection, right, Rejection is the Universe's protection. Rejection means
I'm one step closer to that. Yes, Rejection is that
I'm putting in the reps. I'm getting strong enough to
carry the weight of my success when it does happen.

(40:53):
Rejection means like, Okay, I'm excited for what's coming because
this is not happening to me, it's happening for me,
and I cannot wait to write. So I go through
in the book how you do this and build this
new set of definitions that you're committed to. And then
the third R is my favorite, and it is called revisit.
And this is the one that will change everything. It's

(41:18):
going to be really emotional for everyone likely who does it.
But Jay, a lot of us have past rejections or failures.
The person that broke our heart, the person that we
wanted it to work out so bad and it didn't,
or the job we wanted so bad and they didn't
see our value and we don't know why, or the
partner who betrayed us, or the friend that pulled the

(41:38):
rug out from underneath you, or the new friend that
did not invite you to the party and you don't
know why. And the third R is revisit And this
is where you go to rejections that have happened that
you've let take root into your identity and convinced you
you're somehow a rejector you're somehow a failure. And then
you apply these first two steps to them, reveal what

(42:00):
your meaning is you're giving to them, and then you
redefine them. And this is like, oh my gosh, so
many of us are letting past rejections and failures stick
to us like labels that we think are permanent, that
are like lead balloons on our wings when we're trying
to fly and we're trying to soar, but we're holding

(42:22):
ourselves down. And I have done this with so many
things in my life and it has been huge because
two quick things. I'm so excited. But you know, I
was adopted and I was raised by parents who, oh
my gosh, I feel so blessed, but they worked a lot,
and I was always home alone watching Oprah in my
living room. But all growing up and later in life

(42:44):
I found out I was adopted and I always had
this told myself the story that or I always felt
abandoned or unwanted, and the way that that came out
in my life, Oh my gosh, Like I would stay
in toxic relationships because I didn't want to abandon the person.
Later on, when I'm crushing it in business and have
over a thousand employees in my company, I would not

(43:05):
fire employees soon enough when like they really really deserved it,
because I didn't want to abandon them. And I went
through this process in the book, and I realized the
meaning I was giving to being adopted, the meaning I
was given to growing up alone a lot. And I realized, Okay,
I can tell myself that story or I can actually

(43:26):
redefine it in a way I know is true. And
I just decided, okay, you know what, my birth mom
and dad were together one time. Ever, like God chose
me to be conceived, and then my birth mom's life
would have been so much easier if she did not
have me, but she chose to bring me in the world,
and my parents chose to raise me. I'm like, I'm
not unwanted, I'm chosen, and like I believe that to

(43:50):
be true, and it has shifted how I show up
in friendships. It has shifted how I believe I'm worthy
of friendships and my all time favorite just in case
someone needs this today, because I think so many of
us have been hurt by other people, have been hurt,
have people have not loved us the way we need,
or we're just hurt because we feel like we're not included,

(44:11):
or our friend doesn't see our value, or we're trying
so hard to put ourselves out there and it's not working.
I will tell myself this definition, and this is for
someone who needs this today. I feel it my soul.
I will literally imagine God saying to me, oh, you
weren't rejected. I hid your value from them because they're

(44:33):
not assigned to your destiny. And I will believe it.
And even to this day, it helps me, like, let
rejections rule right off me. Like if I'm not invited
to a party, Jay, the old me wants to think
I'm not enough, and right away I'm like, oh, Okay,
God's blocking my value from that person because I don't
know why, but they're not assigned to my destiny. And
I'm gonna trust it. I'm gonna believe it, and it

(44:54):
helps me not let these things take root in my
identity and it helps me just like break free from them.
And so I go through the whole four part framework
of how to do this. But I can tell you
it's almost never an accident when someone has been able
to create or build or succeed in something. And while
I have made so many mistakes and I have a

(45:16):
lot of issues in my life right now, fear of
rejection and failure is not one of them. It is
literally one of the tools on how I endured hundreds
and hundreds and hundreds of rejections. And then Jay like,
what's so kind of cool? This is cool? Is just
because I know someone needs to hear this today. That
someone else's doubt about you is no indication. It's no

(45:37):
indication of your potential, of if your dream's going to work,
of if your idea is going to work, if if
you're gonna make it, if your business is going to succeed.
And I look back and every single person that told
me no along the journey of building at Cosmetics, and
sometimes it was years, even after we built the number
one brand and QVC number one beauty brand in their history,
after they said no for years even after that, I

(45:59):
think it was like know how many more years before
Sephora finally said yes, it was no after know it forever,
and every single one of those nos turned into a yes,
every single one of them. And it's just like, I
don't know who needs to hear this, but if you
have a knowing, if you have a knowing that you
are supposed to be doing what you're doing, whether it's

(46:20):
putting your art or your talent out there in the world,
or going for that job or launching that business, like
other people's nos cannot compete with your knowing. And you've
got to trust your knowing. The second you start trusting
all those other nos or the nos that get in
your head, that will take you down all day long,
right it will. But those that rejection, those nos are

(46:41):
no indication of your potential. And so it was just
really important for me to go through. It's really a
masterclass in that and worthy on. How do you reframe
rejection and learn to believe it so it does not
have power over you and it doesn't take root in
your self worth and it doesn't hold you back. So
I hope I can't wait for to hear how this
blesses people, and I want them to share this first

(47:03):
of all, any when listening, share this episode with someone
who's like, oh my gosh, if they knew how to
like reframe and know a reframe rejection. But then post
and tag j and tell them how this is impacting
your life because this is yeah, it just tastes like freedom.
And it's all a lie. You know, someone else's rejection
impacts our potential. That is a lie. That is a lie,

(47:25):
and when we learn not to believe it, it's just
it's freedom.

Speaker 2 (47:30):
You can see the freedom on your face. And I
want I want to know just so that you know
some of the other lies that I think you'll love
to read when you get the book. Lie, I don't
have anything special to offer. You're going to love that
chapter another lie. I need to please them to love me.
That's going to be another lie. That chapter is going
to blow your mind. And there are so many other

(47:52):
phenomenal inside tools. Jamie has just shared a tip of
the Iceberg version of some of the amazing tools that
are inside this book. And Jamie, I want to ask
you one last question that I'm sitting with us, I'm
looking at your beautiful cover I'm witnessing you like a
rocket ship flying off of this seat. And which lie

(48:13):
are you still trying to unlearn?

Speaker 1 (48:15):
Which lie am I still trying to unlearn? I think
every single day I work to unlearn them. The one
I will say that I that feels the best to
be unlearning right now. I mentioned it a little bit
earlier but didn't go into it. And maybe this is

(48:35):
exactly for someone right now. It's so funny. I'm not
even thinking about you and me. I am thinking about
the person listening who is just going to break free
with this. That's why I'm getting so excited. But my
whole life jay for anyone who has felt like they're
a little odd or different, or maybe they don't quite
fit in with their family, or they're like the one
that likes to read books when no one else does,

(48:56):
or they're the one that you know, I used yes
podcast or has big dreams. I always felt like I
had to kind of change who I was to fit in,
and that who I was, if I was fully me,
I would not belong And I always kind of felt
like that, and I always felt a little bit different,

(49:18):
and I remember growing up I would have these big,
wild ideas about you know, things that could impact the world.
And again, I have loving, blessed, loving family, but I
would often hear things like things like that don't happen
to people like us, or you know things like that, right,
And I remember, and I'd always hear like, you're crazy,

(49:39):
you're crazy, and it was a term of endearment, but
you know you're crazy. Who do you think you are?
And I just got really good at dimming my own
light to make everyone comfortable. I got really good at
people pleasing, And in my twenties, I was the first
person in my five families that I'm aware of to
go to therapy. No one had ever on a therapy

(50:00):
that I am aware of. And I remember flat out
asking my therapist. I said, you know, I'm am I crazy,
Like my family's always said these words as terms of endearment,
but like I feel like I'm very different and I
don't fit in. And I asked her and she said,
You're not crazy, but I'm really glad you're here. And
she explained to me that when you are the first

(50:22):
in your family or your peer group, or the people
you are raised around or your colleagues, when you're the
first to actually be brave enough to be who you
authentically are and be willing to think different or love different,
or vote different or create different right that will. It
often comes with feeling othered or feeling like you don't

(50:44):
quite fit in or you don't quite belong because you
are the first ever you. And I remember this moment
that hit me like a light bulb, like so bright
it burst, when I realized I'm not crazy, I'm just first.
Not crazy, I'm just first. I'm the first ever me
and every person listening to you and me right now,

(51:06):
like you are the first ever you. And if you
are one of the brave ones willing to show up
in this life as who you truly authentically are, you
are first. There has never been another you before, there
will never be another you again, Like no one in
this world has your unique fingerprints or tongue print or
iris of your eyes, or we all have a unique heartbeat.

(51:28):
But also, if you think about this, right for everyone listening,
no one else has you know the experiences you have
and the emotions that you feel or sees art or
beauty in the world the way you do. And so
when you show up authentically as who you are, do
not be surprised if not. Everyone gets it like they've

(51:48):
never seen another you before.

Speaker 3 (51:50):
Right.

Speaker 1 (51:51):
There's no social proof that your idea is gonna work
if you're doing it authentically because it's never been done before.
And when we talk about that lie about oh I
have nothing special to Okay, I walked into a beauty
industry with tens of thousands of brands, and I launched
a concealer, then a foundation that has been done a
million times before. But guess what I dare to do

(52:12):
it authentic to me, right, and that has never been
done before. And so for every person listening who thinks
someone's done my idea, someone's done it better than me,
someone's done it smarter than me, that is a lie.
Because when you are willing to be the brave one
and show up is who you authentically are, you cannot
prove me wrong. It has never been done before. Your

(52:33):
idea has never been done before the way you're gonna
do it. And that is why it is your superpower
to be fully authentically you, because we think, oh, those
things are wrong if they found out who I really
am of you know, oh h ah, the second you
are not you, there's an automatic barrier of disconnection between
you and customers, you and a potential partner, you and friends.

(52:55):
When you are who you fully are, even the quirks
and all that is your superpower. You are not crazy.
You are just first. And that has been I think
of all the lies, that is the one that is
the most freeing, It is the most liberating. It has
brought me so much closer in my friendships right and

(53:18):
walking into this room with you, Jay Sheddy, a friend
who I love and a door if I am thinking about, oh,
I need to be a great guest and say the
right things, and I do. There's now a barrier of
disconnection between me and you, between me and every single
person listening and watching right now. And there's probably a
billion things I've said that I could do such a

(53:39):
better job at. But guess what I said, am fully me.
I was jumping out of my chair because that is full.
But this is how people connect. And so every person
listening who feels like they have to be something slightly
other than who they are, ah ah ah, you are
not crazy or a different You're first, right, And the

(54:00):
last thing I'll say to that Jay, When I was
finally got one shot on QVC after years them telling
me no, and we sold out in ten minutes, which
is a wild story. And then I eventually did over
one thousand live shows. Right we were selling over two
hundred million dollars in product a year just meet to
a camera on QVC. I mean, the whole thing was wild.
But I sat in that green room for over eight years,

(54:21):
over one thousand shows, and I met tens of thousands
of entrepreneurs, of brand founders, of celebrities, of people that
came in to sell their product on air. One out
of every I don't know a thousand ever come back
because it is so hard to hit the sales numbers
because you're live on air and they know by the
second if you're hitting sales numbers. And I remember watching

(54:42):
this and this is for everyone listening right now. I
remember watching over an eight year window, going what is
that commonality with the very few who make it? What
is that the very few who get you know, hey,
hit numbers, get invited back another time and eventually build
something that lasts. What is that commonality? And I would
just watch watch tens of thousands of from every the

(55:04):
biggest brands in the world, the most famous people in
the world, the greatest founders, and literally it was not
who had the best product, It was not who is
the most famous. It was not who's giving the best
discount or deal of the day, none of that. And
it was not who's the most seasoned salesperson or television professional.
The only thing they had in common, the very few

(55:25):
who made it, was that they are the same on
air when they are talking to customers and selling their
product as they are off air in the green room.
And it did not matter if they're extroverted or introverted,
if they're quirky and out there in big personality or
like really quiet and very like meticulate, it didn't matter.
It's the ones that were the exact same, because you

(55:46):
cannot fake authenticity and customers and people sense it and
feel it. Whether it's your online community or it's the
people buying your pric it doesn't matter. And when I
watch that, I'm like, this is the most freeing thing
ever because it takes all the pressure off of feeling
like you got to be something you're not, or you

(56:06):
got to show up as your representative. And I saw
proof before my eyes in the form of literally success
of conversion to sales of people trusting that person, like
right before my eyes, year after year after year, that
it does not matter how you show up, you just
have to be authentic, like that's it, and how few

(56:27):
people are and what I realized. The last thing I'll
say is that that I realize this lesson that I
try to live by every single day because I think
this applies to every area of our lives. That while
authenticity alone does not automatically guarantee success, in authenticity guarantees
failure every time over time in every area of our life.

(56:52):
But when we embrace that, it's just all the pressure
comes off and it just tastes like freedom, It feels
like joy. So when we live in alignment with our assignment.

Speaker 2 (57:04):
Jamie, I want to thank you for revealing and releasing
so many of the lives I have and within me
during this conversation too, I really felt that sitting here
and consuming and deeply immersing myself in what you were saying,
there were so many wonderful releases that happened just in

(57:27):
that process. And I'm sure that I'm not the only one.
And so if you've been listening or watching, I'd love
for you to grab a copy of Jamie's book Worthy,
How to believe you are enough and transform your life
simple steps, life changing results. The book is available now.
The link is available in the caption below. Please go
and grab a copy of this book. You're going to

(57:47):
love it. And I said earlier, Jamie is donating one
hundred percent of our author proceeds for Worthy as well,
and so you'll also be supporting a good cause. Jamie,
thank you for coming onto on Purpose today. So grateful
to call you a friends, so grateful to have you
in the studio with us, and.

Speaker 3 (58:04):
So grateful that you put this book together. So thank
you for being here.

Speaker 1 (58:07):
Thank you, Jay, thank you so much.

Speaker 3 (58:09):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (58:10):
If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode
with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how
to speak to yourself with more compassion.

Speaker 4 (58:21):
My fears are only going to continue to show me
what I'm capable of. The more that I face my fears,
the more that I feel I'm gaining strength, I'm gaining wisdom,
and I just want to keep doing that.

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