Do you find yourself often thinking about breaking up?
Do you and your partner have unresolved conflicts that keep resurfacing?
In this episode, Jay tackles the tough emotions and uncertainty many face when considering a breakup. He talks about why people stay in or leave relationships, touching on key factors like emotional closeness, personal investment, and the impact of family responsibilities. Jay also discusses how to ensure emotional security and the risks of staying for financial reasons or out of obligation.
In this episode you’ll learn:
How to recognize emotional investment
How to assess emotional security
How to consider financial implications
How to navigate emotional intimacy
This honest conversation provides you with the insights to evaluate your relationship more clearly, helping you decide whether to work on it or move on, based on a deeper understanding of your feelings and the relationship's dynamics.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:10 When to End Your Relationship
04:48 10 Reason Why People Stay in a Relationship
12:44 Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Relationship
18:14 The Three Cancers of the Mind
24:44 Difference in Scorecard Perspective
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We make up, then we break up. We make up,
then we break up, We make up, then we break up.
You're always thinking about breaking up. You're always thinking about
how to break up, but you don't know how. I
think a lot of us are scared to break up
because of what it means. It means loneliness, It means
weekends and evenings alone. It means having that uncomfortable, awkward
conversation that we don't want to have.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy Sly shet. Hey, everyone, welcome back
to on Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn
and grow. Thank you to everyone who's subscribed, Thanks to
everyone who's left a review. It's incredible to have our
community continue to grow. If you haven't already, make sure
(00:46):
you've downloaded all the latest episode because I don't want
you to miss out on any of our amazing conversations
or solos. We've had some phenomenal guests lately, so many
more coming up. Make sure you don't miss out now.
Today's episode is all about the ways to know if
it's time to end your relationship now. Sometimes it's not
(01:12):
as clear, Sometimes it's not that bad. Sometimes it's not
the end of the world yet. And often we'll find
that people in our life, and maybe even you, have
had moments where you end a relationship and then you
realize it ended twelve months ago, it ended twenty four
(01:34):
months ago.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Right.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
How many times have you left a job, left a relationship,
maybe even a friendship, and then when you reflected on it,
you realize, wait a minute, that was over such a
long time ago, and I've just wasted time. This is
to help you get that head start. It's to help
you save time. This episode is dedicated to anyone who's
(01:58):
been going back and forth in their mind. I'm thinking
I deserve better and my settling is this the right
person for me?
Speaker 2 (02:06):
How do I know?
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Now? I want to start by saying one thing I
think today, because we live in a world of what
seems like infinite choice and what seems like available love,
I think we actually make bad decisions right. The studies
have always shown that the more choice we have, the
less good our decisions are. As humans, we struggle to
(02:31):
pick cereal in the ceial hour, We struggle to pick
the right pickle, or whatever else it may be. Because
we're exposed to so many choices, and now that the
dating world has caught up with the consumer world, that's
the same experience we have. We all believe there's plenty
more fish in thecy We believe that there's someone else
who'll tick nine out of ten boxes if someone that
(02:54):
we currently are with is seven out of ten. And
so a lot of us don't think about building growing relationships.
We think about finding and discovering. And that language in
and of itself is such a big challenge. Right when
you're thinking I'm going to find my person, I'm just
going to find them. They're going to be ready made,
They're going to be as they are, rather than the
(03:14):
truth that we're probably going to have to build with
someone or grow with someone. See, the truth is relationships
get harder, not easier. People put in less effort, not more,
People get lazier, not smarter, and people change, they rarely
(03:36):
stay the same. So, knowing that this is the reality
of relationships, when we want to be in a long term, committed,
loyal relationship, what we're saying is I'm willing to build,
I'm willing to grow, and I'm willing to learn. That's
actually what we're signing up for. And I think the
(03:58):
reason why so many of us want to move because
we feel we're not building anymore, we're not growing anymore,
we're not learning anymore. We never did. And so today
I want to answer that question, is it really time
to leave? Do you have real reason to leave and
move on? Or is it really just a part of
us that doesn't want to put in the effort. We
just want to enjoy the six months honeymoon period. We
(04:20):
just want to enjoy the good times, but we're not
really ready for a long term, committed, layal relationship.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Now.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
I was looking at a study and researchers asked people
considering whether to end their relationship what factors someone in
their shoes might weigh when making the decision. Respondents came
up with a number of reasons, which researchers classified into
fifty common themes. But here are the top ten pros
(04:50):
and cons people suggested. So these were the top ten
reasons people said that they would stay in a relationship.
Number one emotional intimacy. If you felt emotional intimacy, then
that was a good reason to stay. Now, let's talk
(05:11):
about what emotional intimacy is. Emotional intimacy I also describe
often as emotional availability. When you want to share your feelings,
when you want to share your thoughts, is the other
person available? Are they able to listen, recognize, understand and
(05:33):
comprehend what you're feeling? Intimacy emotionally is a sense of closeness.
You feel like the other person gets you and understands you.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Now.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Of course, not all the time, and not when they're
under stress, and not when there's lots of other stuff
going on, but overall, you feel that they get you,
they understand you, they're willing to go there with you emotionally.
The second reason to stay was emotional investment. Notice how
the word emotional has already come up twice out of
(06:06):
two in a list of ten. Are you feeling emotionally
invested in this relationship? Do you feel like the person
cares about how you feel? This is one of the
most important questions. Does this person care about how you
(06:27):
feel right? Do they care that you feel good or
feel bad? Do they care that you're struggling.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Or you're doing well?
Speaker 1 (06:36):
And a lot of the times we don't ask this question.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Do we care?
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Are we always the one trying to get this person
to change and be different, or do we have the
capacity also to emotionally invest in them. The third reason
people said to stay was family duty. Now this one's
a tough one because everyone has different values around this.
I recently had a great conversation with doctor Daniel aim
And around how to raise children and the scientific reasons
(07:06):
as to whether people should stay together or move apart,
And what was very very clear was all about the
quality of the relationship. I think one thing we don't
recognize is I often say to people that life is
shorter than you think, but longer than you think as well. Right,
it's shorter in the sense that we need to make
(07:28):
the most of our time, but it's longer when you
don't make the most of your time and now you're
in a bad position for ten twenty thirty years. So
family duty is a double ed sword. Number four reasons
to say partner's personality. Do you actually like them or
are you always trying to mold them? Are you always
(07:50):
trying to shift them? Are you always wanting them to
be better? What is your partner's personality like? Are you
always thinking, oh gosh, I wish they didn't say that
in the public setting. Are you always feeling awkward or
uncomfortable around them in their behavior towards you and others,
Or is that something you always knew and it was
quirky and something you liked about them. Number five is enjoyment.
(08:13):
Notice how as relationships grow, enjoyment has gone down. Right,
Having a good time would have been top of the
pile back in the day, but now it's halfway through.
Now a lot of people think that's because the spark's gone.
A lot of people think that's because it's not fun anymore.
The truth is that long term relationships give us very
(08:35):
different things from short term relationships. Long term relationships give
us that emotional intimacy, that emotional investment, and what number
six is emotional security that becomes far more meaningful and
valuable to us as individuals as relationships grow. Now I'm
not saying that you can't still have enjoyment or have fun,
(08:55):
of course you can. But what I'm saying is that
different things become more important as time goes on. When
you're emotionally secure, you feel that the other person won't
use your emotional expression against you. That's what emotional security means.
(09:17):
You feel that the secrets you've shared, the flaws you've shown,
the issues concerns that you've raised will not be used
against you. If you feel that they're going to be
used against you, that means you feel emotionally insecure. You
don't trust that someone actually values what you're experiencing and
(09:40):
going through. Now, I want to draw a line here
because I think for a lot of us, a lot
of us can feel that, but then our partners may
actually say something like, but I don't know where you
got that from, right, I'm not sure I feel like
I'm showing you that we're emotionally secure. We have to
really differentiate between whether what we're feeling is based on
(10:02):
a past insecurity or whether it's based on a present insecurity.
Listen to this carefully. Is your emotional insecurity based on
past experiences or is it based on this individual? The
way to understand this is to ask yourself the question,
has this person done things independent of what I've been
(10:26):
through in the past that have made me feel emotionally insecure?
Or actually do why I have an insecurity that I
have been carrying from relationship to relationship to relationship that
continues to have a stronghold in my life. Number seven
is physical intimacy. Feeling like there still is a space
(10:49):
to explore that, to express that there's an excitement from
both sides. Number eight reason to stay was financial benefits.
This is something that's unspoken about, but marriage and relationships
were built on the idea that it would be easier
to rent a bigger space together, it would be easier
(11:10):
to split the costs of the grocery build. Right, there
were financial needs that needed to be met. Number nine
is compatibility and number ten is concern for partner. Right,
do you feel a sense of concern now that one
again can be a double ed sword, because I know
a lot of people that have spoken to who felt
(11:31):
that they were staying in the relationship because it positively
benefited their partner, even if it negatively affected them. So
you think, if I leave this relationship, that person's going
to fall apart, but you're falling apart in the relationship
trying to keep them together.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Think about that for a second.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
So often you stay in a relationship because you don't
want someone else to fall apart, not really that you're
falling apart while you're trying to keep them together. If
you fall apart while you're trying to keep someone else together,
then it's a losing battle, and so sometimes your concern
(12:14):
for your partner can be false compassion, right.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
False compassion is this.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Belief that we can solve, fix, figure out someone else's problems,
and that if we're in their life then they'll be okay,
even if that means we're not okay. And I know
people right now who are going through breakups and divorces
who have tried to do that for ten years. And
the sad and most horrific part of it is that
(12:42):
the people who have been negatively affected at them now.
In the same study, the top ten reasons to leave.
Listen to this. This is what people considering whether to
end their relationship. These were the top ten reasons they
gave to leave. I'm hoping that as you're hearing this,
you're not on your own. I'm hoping that as your
list you're thinking, gosh, that is why I'm staying, and
(13:02):
that's a good reason, or that is why I'm staying,
and I'm not sure that that maybe not the best
reason to stay. Because the truth is it's a subjective choice.
It's not about whether I think it's good for you
to leave or move on. It's important for you to
weigh up what's valuable to you. Some of you may
be able to live a life of complete sacrifice and
(13:24):
feel that that's your value and that's okay, and some
of you will think, I don't want to sacrifice any
more time on this, I need to move. So reasons
to leave top ten. The first one was partner's personality.
If you didn't like your partner's personality, it was time
to leave. It was time to move on because that's
(13:44):
a personality that you'll be living with for a long time.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Number two pretty obvious. One.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Breach of trust felt like a good enough reason to leave.
I think that this one. What's important is recognizing whether
you're willing to live with the consequences of the breach
of trust or whether you can't, whether you're willing to
forgive and move on and not keep making it an
(14:11):
important factor, or whether you're saying to yourself, no, this
was make or break for me. Third a reason to
leave was partner withdrawal. This one's a hard one again
to gauge, but an important one to note. Sometimes we
see our partner's disinterest and apathy as withdrawal, and the
(14:32):
truth is everyone is kind of going in that direction.
The more time you spend with someone, it's likely that
there is an apathy. There's a neutrality that develops over time.
And really what it is is comfort. We get comfortable
with someone, and therefore we get apathetic, We get neutral,
We become disinterested. Right, what's you way have for dinner?
(14:54):
Are whatever you want?
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Oh? Should we fix the shared or the garage? Oh?
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Yeah, whatever you want. There's a kind of like, oh,
I don't care about that. And because someone doesn't care
about something, that doesn't mean they don't care about us.
But what we've started to say is that I care
about this, I care about redecorating the house, I care
about fixing this part the home, whatever it may be,
And if you don't care about it, then you don't
(15:20):
care about me. What we've done is we've outsourced how
we see caring for us. And the problem with that
is someone could very well say to you know, I
do care about you, I just don't care about that.
And I think it's really important that we reintegrate ourselves
into our definition of care. How does someone behave with us?
(15:40):
How does someone care about us as opposed to the
things that we care about as a priority of how
they show care for us. Is there another way they
can show care? Is there another way they do show care?
Number four was an external reason. Number five was physical
distance ready reason to leave. Number six was conflict. I
(16:03):
think if you're fighting again and again and again, if it's.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Always back and forth, that's the reason to leave.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
I think a lot of people also go through this
period of we make up, then we break up, we
make up, then we break up, we make up, then
we break up. You're always thinking about breaking up, You're
always thinking about how to break up, but you don't
know how. That's a good reason to leave. I think
a lot of us are scared to break up because
of what it means. It means loneliness, It means weekends
(16:30):
and evenings alone, It means having that uncomfortable, awkward conversation
that we don't want to have.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Right, all of these.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
Conflicts and the conflict we're feeling in our mind can
be a good reason to leave. Number eight was emotional distance.
Number nine was lack of validation. This one's a big one.
I think a lot of people. The more and more
people I meet, I've realized most people don't get validated
at work or at home and all of us want validation,
(17:05):
but we're scared to ask for it.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
It's a really.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Interesting paradox, right we all want to get validated, we're
a bit nervous to ask for it because it makes
us look weak, and no one ever gets validated. So
what I want you to do with the validation point
is I want you to take an opportunity to validate
your partner, to validate that person for something genuine. I
(17:29):
think sometimes we also validate on like superficial flattery and
that never lands with that person. We validate on something
really arbitrary and random, and it just doesn't land with
that person. I want you to validate them for something
really meaningful, something that was important to them, And I
want you to see if you can start building that
validation culture inside your relationship. I think it's really important
(17:54):
to build a validation culture and system in your relationship,
but you often have to lead it and it has
to be around something genuine and sincere. And number ten
reason to leave was lack of financial benefits. Now, I
want to break down for you a couple of ways
to know whether it's time to leave or whether there's
still room to work on something I remember learning during
(18:15):
my time as a monk about the three cancers of
the mind, and we were taught that they were complaining, comparing,
and criticizing. And I found that these three are very
true in a relationship. We feel like leaving a relationship
when there's a lot of complaining, comparing, and criticizing. Complaining
(18:38):
is like you never do this, you always do that.
You're never around, you're always late. And often we complain
to people who are not even our partners. Right, You've
got friends over for dinner and they say, oh, yeah,
what time does Jeff usually get home? Oh, we don't
talk about that in this house. We don't talk about
that in this house. Complaining it's almost passive aggressive. And
(19:02):
what that does is it chips away. Complaining chips away.
Venting to each other is fine. And the question I
want to ask you is can you grow from complaining
to communicating? So instead of using passive aggressive statements to
tell your partner how you feel, could you take a
(19:23):
moment and say, I feel that when you come home late,
it makes me feel this way. But I wanted to
understand why you choose to come home late, or what's
your reasoning for coming home late, What's you're reasoning for
working hard, recognizing that maybe that's their identity, maybe that's
(19:43):
conditioning they have. Often, when we feel we're healed, we
think we can see other people's conditioning, but we can't
see the way we feel is our conditioning. So I
often ask couples, can you move from complaining to communicating?
If we continue to complain, we just keep pushing each
other further on, further away. Right when you see the
(20:05):
dishes aren't done, you don't say to the make can
you get the dishes done today? Because you've said that
too many times. It now becomes you wait a week,
and then you go, well, the dishes are always left there.
It's complaining. How do we communicate? How do we set systems?
Because sometimes we've over communicated, but we haven't created systems
(20:26):
of how things run in the household. We haven't created
commitments to overcome complaining. Another big one for when it's
time to move on is comparing. I think a lot
of people live through this, but it's really hard to stomach.
Oh did you know so and so drops his kids
to school every morning?
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Oh did you know? Oh have you seen what she's
been doing building her business? Oh?
Speaker 1 (20:47):
My gosh, Oh my god, have you seen what he's done?
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Oh? Look at him.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
He was on the front cover of that magazine or
whatever it is. Right, Oh, did you see what she's
been up to? Oh my gosh, Like, yeah, she just
got a promotion. Comparing. Comparing is so painful and create
so much emotional distance. Because here's what you've done with comparing.
(21:12):
When you compare your partner to someone else, you've not
only made them emotionally distant from you, You've made them
feel emotionally distant from the person you compared them with.
They now start to dislike that person. So you've now
created an emotional distance from them there, and of course
when you're comparing them, they're now feeling distant from you.
(21:36):
And the question is can you collaborate? Is there still
a room to collaborate? Can you say to your partner, Hey,
you know what I know that this is your goal.
Can I help you with it?
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Hey?
Speaker 1 (21:46):
You know this is something I'm struggling with. Can you
help me with it?
Speaker 2 (21:49):
Hey? Can we collaborate?
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Because when we're comparing, what we're saying is someone else
is collaborating better? Can we use language that motivates in
spe buyers and encourages our partners rather than degrades, makes
them feel downtrodom, makes them feel disrespected. So much of
our language with our partners is demanding, degrading, and disrespectful.
(22:15):
How is someone going to change if you're being demanding, disrespectful,
or degrading. I don't understand which human psychology that works
in So instead of comparing, comparing is the lowest form
of disrespect. It makes someone else feel small, makes someone
else you know, feel big, which makes them feel you
(22:36):
like that person, whether you like them sexually or intimately.
It makes them feel like you find someone else attractive. Comparing,
if it's ongoing, repetitive, and especially if it gets very disrespectful,
is a reason for people to leave. Now criticizing criticizing
is something that has many different levels. There's banter and
(23:00):
then there's real criticism, and there's criticism.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
That you believe.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
And I would encourage you all to ask, is there
room to celebrate your partner? Is there something worth celebrating
in them? Now? I'm not saying any of this is
to make you overcome or ignore toxic behavior by a partner.
If you're experiencing a toxic behavior pattern, if you're experiencing
a repetitive pattern. This isn't about you thinking you can
solve it or making better. It's asking you the question
(23:27):
is there room for celebration or has the criticism gone
too far? It's time to leave when you don't respect
their values and they don't respect yours. What that means
is if you want them to change. If you're thinking,
if they change, I can stay with them. If you're
thinking if they don't change, then I can't be with them,
(23:47):
then it's time to leave because chances are they are
that person now. Of course they change. People grow and
change all the time. But if you're asking for a
big change, like they're not ambitious, you want them to
be driven, the super organized and career driven, and you
want them to be laid back. Often we want our
partners to be the exact opposites of who they are.
(24:09):
If you want your partner to be the exact opposite
of who they are, ask yourself, could you be the
exact opposite of.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Who you are?
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Could you change one eighty your behaviors, your patterns, your actions,
your values, your goals? Could you change them? If your
career driven, could you completely let go of them? If
you're laid back, could you get really focused and driven.
We want to be with people that respect our values,
(24:41):
and we need to be people who.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Respect their values.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Now, I want to give you one last tool that
I think will be really helpful. Often in our relationships,
what we do is we like to keep score. I
cleaned the dishes last three nights in a row. I
took the trash out every time for the last month.
Rop the kids to school every single day. Right, we
keep this score. And the interesting thing is our score
(25:06):
is based on our scorecard. So if your scorecard is money,
I pay all the bills, then that's the scorecard you use. Now,
if your partner scorecard is family, which I consider to
be more emotional, then they're measuring it on that scorecard.
(25:27):
And if you've really got to a point. I don't
like keeping score, but sometimes this activity has been really
helpful for people. I've tested it with expand your scorecard.
The scorecard is now not only financial, it's physical, mental, financial, emotional, spiritual.
(25:49):
Ask yourself in your relationship, who is leading the way
in different parts of the relationship physically, who takes care
of the home, who takes care of the groceries, physically,
who takes care of the kids and the family physically,
Who is doing that physical work?
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Give them one point? Now?
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Mental, who is mentally supporting the relationship? Who helps you
push through tough times? Who stays in a positive attitude,
who's the person who stays resilient?
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Now? Financial, who's taking care of the bills? Now?
Speaker 1 (26:27):
Emotional, who's always emotionally available, who's always there, who always
picks up the phone, who always checks in? And spiritual?
Who's guiding you spiritually? Who's helping you with your faith?
Who's helping you with the practices and habits that make
you feel better? Now, if you're looking at all five
of these scorecards, and you're doing four out of the five,
(26:50):
fair enough, chances are you'll find most relationships are more
equally divided, and maybe there's a three over two. But
what we don't recognize is it's hard to weigh these equally.
But I can honestly say that my wife emotionally manages
(27:11):
the relationship. She's always helping us be in the right mood.
She's always creating fun energy, She's always creating this beautiful
space for us to live in. Physically, she creates an
amazing space it's so easy to forget these things because
we're looking down a very limited lens. I really hope
(27:32):
that this episode helps you first not feel alone, second,
reflect on what you can do to not have to
end this relationship. And thirdly, if you do decide to end,
it gives you good reasoning, makes you feel certain and
confident in your decision. Thank you so much for listening
to On Purpose. Makesure you go listen to another episode
(27:55):
with a guest or a solo right now. Make sure
you've subscribed, make sure you've downloaded the latest episodes, and
remember this. I'm forever in your corner and I'm always
rooting for you. Thank you for listening. If you love
this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew
Hussey on how to get over your ex and find
(28:15):
true love in your relationships. People should be compassionate to
themselves that extend that compassion to your future self, because
truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing
something that gives him or her a shot at a
happy and a peaceful life,
We make up, then we break up. We make up,
then we break up, We make up, then we break up.
You're always thinking about breaking up. You're always thinking about
how to break up, but you don't know how. I
think a lot of us are scared to break up
because of what it means. It means loneliness, It means
weekends and evenings alone. It means having that uncomfortable, awkward
conversation that we don't want to have.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy Sly shet. Hey, everyone, welcome back
to on Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn
and grow. Thank you to everyone who's subscribed, Thanks to
everyone who's left a review. It's incredible to have our
community continue to grow. If you haven't already, make sure
(00:46):
you've downloaded all the latest episode because I don't want
you to miss out on any of our amazing conversations
or solos. We've had some phenomenal guests lately, so many
more coming up. Make sure you don't miss out now.
Today's episode is all about the ways to know if
it's time to end your relationship now. Sometimes it's not
(01:12):
as clear, Sometimes it's not that bad. Sometimes it's not
the end of the world yet. And often we'll find
that people in our life, and maybe even you, have
had moments where you end a relationship and then you
realize it ended twelve months ago, it ended twenty four
(01:34):
months ago.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Right.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
How many times have you left a job, left a relationship,
maybe even a friendship, and then when you reflected on it,
you realize, wait a minute, that was over such a
long time ago, and I've just wasted time. This is
to help you get that head start. It's to help
you save time. This episode is dedicated to anyone who's
(01:58):
been going back and forth in their mind. I'm thinking
I deserve better and my settling is this the right
person for me?
Speaker 2 (02:06):
How do I know?
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Now? I want to start by saying one thing I
think today, because we live in a world of what
seems like infinite choice and what seems like available love,
I think we actually make bad decisions right. The studies
have always shown that the more choice we have, the
less good our decisions are. As humans, we struggle to
(02:31):
pick cereal in the ceial hour, We struggle to pick
the right pickle, or whatever else it may be. Because
we're exposed to so many choices, and now that the
dating world has caught up with the consumer world, that's
the same experience we have. We all believe there's plenty
more fish in thecy We believe that there's someone else
who'll tick nine out of ten boxes if someone that
(02:54):
we currently are with is seven out of ten. And
so a lot of us don't think about building growing relationships.
We think about finding and discovering. And that language in
and of itself is such a big challenge. Right when
you're thinking I'm going to find my person, I'm just
going to find them. They're going to be ready made,
They're going to be as they are, rather than the
(03:14):
truth that we're probably going to have to build with
someone or grow with someone. See, the truth is relationships
get harder, not easier. People put in less effort, not more,
People get lazier, not smarter, and people change, they rarely
(03:36):
stay the same. So, knowing that this is the reality
of relationships, when we want to be in a long term, committed,
loyal relationship, what we're saying is I'm willing to build,
I'm willing to grow, and I'm willing to learn. That's
actually what we're signing up for. And I think the
(03:58):
reason why so many of us want to move because
we feel we're not building anymore, we're not growing anymore,
we're not learning anymore. We never did. And so today
I want to answer that question, is it really time
to leave? Do you have real reason to leave and
move on? Or is it really just a part of
us that doesn't want to put in the effort. We
just want to enjoy the six months honeymoon period. We
(04:20):
just want to enjoy the good times, but we're not
really ready for a long term, committed, layal relationship.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Now.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
I was looking at a study and researchers asked people
considering whether to end their relationship what factors someone in
their shoes might weigh when making the decision. Respondents came
up with a number of reasons, which researchers classified into
fifty common themes. But here are the top ten pros
(04:50):
and cons people suggested. So these were the top ten
reasons people said that they would stay in a relationship.
Number one emotional intimacy. If you felt emotional intimacy, then
that was a good reason to stay. Now, let's talk
(05:11):
about what emotional intimacy is. Emotional intimacy I also describe
often as emotional availability. When you want to share your feelings,
when you want to share your thoughts, is the other
person available? Are they able to listen, recognize, understand and
(05:33):
comprehend what you're feeling? Intimacy emotionally is a sense of closeness.
You feel like the other person gets you and understands you.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Now.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Of course, not all the time, and not when they're
under stress, and not when there's lots of other stuff
going on, but overall, you feel that they get you,
they understand you, they're willing to go there with you emotionally.
The second reason to stay was emotional investment. Notice how
the word emotional has already come up twice out of
(06:06):
two in a list of ten. Are you feeling emotionally
invested in this relationship? Do you feel like the person
cares about how you feel? This is one of the
most important questions. Does this person care about how you
(06:27):
feel right? Do they care that you feel good or
feel bad? Do they care that you're struggling.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Or you're doing well?
Speaker 1 (06:36):
And a lot of the times we don't ask this question.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Do we care?
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Are we always the one trying to get this person
to change and be different, or do we have the
capacity also to emotionally invest in them. The third reason
people said to stay was family duty. Now this one's
a tough one because everyone has different values around this.
I recently had a great conversation with doctor Daniel aim
And around how to raise children and the scientific reasons
(07:06):
as to whether people should stay together or move apart,
And what was very very clear was all about the
quality of the relationship. I think one thing we don't
recognize is I often say to people that life is
shorter than you think, but longer than you think as well. Right,
it's shorter in the sense that we need to make
(07:28):
the most of our time, but it's longer when you
don't make the most of your time and now you're
in a bad position for ten twenty thirty years. So
family duty is a double ed sword. Number four reasons
to say partner's personality. Do you actually like them or
are you always trying to mold them? Are you always
(07:50):
trying to shift them? Are you always wanting them to
be better? What is your partner's personality like? Are you
always thinking, oh gosh, I wish they didn't say that
in the public setting. Are you always feeling awkward or
uncomfortable around them in their behavior towards you and others,
Or is that something you always knew and it was
quirky and something you liked about them. Number five is enjoyment.
(08:13):
Notice how as relationships grow, enjoyment has gone down. Right,
Having a good time would have been top of the
pile back in the day, but now it's halfway through.
Now a lot of people think that's because the spark's gone.
A lot of people think that's because it's not fun anymore.
The truth is that long term relationships give us very
(08:35):
different things from short term relationships. Long term relationships give
us that emotional intimacy, that emotional investment, and what number
six is emotional security that becomes far more meaningful and
valuable to us as individuals as relationships grow. Now I'm
not saying that you can't still have enjoyment or have fun,
(08:55):
of course you can. But what I'm saying is that
different things become more important as time goes on. When
you're emotionally secure, you feel that the other person won't
use your emotional expression against you. That's what emotional security means.
(09:17):
You feel that the secrets you've shared, the flaws you've shown,
the issues concerns that you've raised will not be used
against you. If you feel that they're going to be
used against you, that means you feel emotionally insecure. You
don't trust that someone actually values what you're experiencing and
(09:40):
going through. Now, I want to draw a line here
because I think for a lot of us, a lot
of us can feel that, but then our partners may
actually say something like, but I don't know where you
got that from, right, I'm not sure I feel like
I'm showing you that we're emotionally secure. We have to
really differentiate between whether what we're feeling is based on
(10:02):
a past insecurity or whether it's based on a present insecurity.
Listen to this carefully. Is your emotional insecurity based on
past experiences or is it based on this individual? The
way to understand this is to ask yourself the question,
has this person done things independent of what I've been
(10:26):
through in the past that have made me feel emotionally insecure?
Or actually do why I have an insecurity that I
have been carrying from relationship to relationship to relationship that
continues to have a stronghold in my life. Number seven
is physical intimacy. Feeling like there still is a space
(10:49):
to explore that, to express that there's an excitement from
both sides. Number eight reason to stay was financial benefits.
This is something that's unspoken about, but marriage and relationships
were built on the idea that it would be easier
to rent a bigger space together, it would be easier
(11:10):
to split the costs of the grocery build. Right, there
were financial needs that needed to be met. Number nine
is compatibility and number ten is concern for partner. Right,
do you feel a sense of concern now that one
again can be a double ed sword, because I know
a lot of people that have spoken to who felt
(11:31):
that they were staying in the relationship because it positively
benefited their partner, even if it negatively affected them. So
you think, if I leave this relationship, that person's going
to fall apart, but you're falling apart in the relationship
trying to keep them together.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Think about that for a second.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
So often you stay in a relationship because you don't
want someone else to fall apart, not really that you're
falling apart while you're trying to keep them together. If
you fall apart while you're trying to keep someone else together,
then it's a losing battle, and so sometimes your concern
(12:14):
for your partner can be false compassion, right.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
False compassion is this.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Belief that we can solve, fix, figure out someone else's problems,
and that if we're in their life then they'll be okay,
even if that means we're not okay. And I know
people right now who are going through breakups and divorces
who have tried to do that for ten years. And
the sad and most horrific part of it is that
(12:42):
the people who have been negatively affected at them now.
In the same study, the top ten reasons to leave.
Listen to this. This is what people considering whether to
end their relationship. These were the top ten reasons they
gave to leave. I'm hoping that as you're hearing this,
you're not on your own. I'm hoping that as your
list you're thinking, gosh, that is why I'm staying, and
(13:02):
that's a good reason, or that is why I'm staying,
and I'm not sure that that maybe not the best
reason to stay. Because the truth is it's a subjective choice.
It's not about whether I think it's good for you
to leave or move on. It's important for you to
weigh up what's valuable to you. Some of you may
be able to live a life of complete sacrifice and
(13:24):
feel that that's your value and that's okay, and some
of you will think, I don't want to sacrifice any
more time on this, I need to move. So reasons
to leave top ten. The first one was partner's personality.
If you didn't like your partner's personality, it was time
to leave. It was time to move on because that's
(13:44):
a personality that you'll be living with for a long time.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Number two pretty obvious. One.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Breach of trust felt like a good enough reason to leave.
I think that this one. What's important is recognizing whether
you're willing to live with the consequences of the breach
of trust or whether you can't, whether you're willing to
forgive and move on and not keep making it an
(14:11):
important factor, or whether you're saying to yourself, no, this
was make or break for me. Third a reason to
leave was partner withdrawal. This one's a hard one again
to gauge, but an important one to note. Sometimes we
see our partner's disinterest and apathy as withdrawal, and the
(14:32):
truth is everyone is kind of going in that direction.
The more time you spend with someone, it's likely that
there is an apathy. There's a neutrality that develops over time.
And really what it is is comfort. We get comfortable
with someone, and therefore we get apathetic, We get neutral,
We become disinterested. Right, what's you way have for dinner?
(14:54):
Are whatever you want?
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Oh? Should we fix the shared or the garage? Oh?
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Yeah, whatever you want. There's a kind of like, oh,
I don't care about that. And because someone doesn't care
about something, that doesn't mean they don't care about us.
But what we've started to say is that I care
about this, I care about redecorating the house, I care
about fixing this part the home, whatever it may be,
And if you don't care about it, then you don't
(15:20):
care about me. What we've done is we've outsourced how
we see caring for us. And the problem with that
is someone could very well say to you know, I
do care about you, I just don't care about that.
And I think it's really important that we reintegrate ourselves
into our definition of care. How does someone behave with us?
(15:40):
How does someone care about us as opposed to the
things that we care about as a priority of how
they show care for us. Is there another way they
can show care? Is there another way they do show care?
Number four was an external reason. Number five was physical
distance ready reason to leave. Number six was conflict. I
(16:03):
think if you're fighting again and again and again, if it's.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Always back and forth, that's the reason to leave.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
I think a lot of people also go through this
period of we make up, then we break up, we
make up, then we break up, we make up, then
we break up. You're always thinking about breaking up, You're
always thinking about how to break up, but you don't
know how. That's a good reason to leave. I think
a lot of us are scared to break up because
of what it means. It means loneliness, It means weekends
(16:30):
and evenings alone, It means having that uncomfortable, awkward conversation
that we don't want to have.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Right, all of these.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
Conflicts and the conflict we're feeling in our mind can
be a good reason to leave. Number eight was emotional distance.
Number nine was lack of validation. This one's a big one.
I think a lot of people. The more and more
people I meet, I've realized most people don't get validated
at work or at home and all of us want validation,
(17:05):
but we're scared to ask for it.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
It's a really.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Interesting paradox, right we all want to get validated, we're
a bit nervous to ask for it because it makes
us look weak, and no one ever gets validated. So
what I want you to do with the validation point
is I want you to take an opportunity to validate
your partner, to validate that person for something genuine. I
(17:29):
think sometimes we also validate on like superficial flattery and
that never lands with that person. We validate on something
really arbitrary and random, and it just doesn't land with
that person. I want you to validate them for something
really meaningful, something that was important to them, And I
want you to see if you can start building that
validation culture inside your relationship. I think it's really important
(17:54):
to build a validation culture and system in your relationship,
but you often have to lead it and it has
to be around something genuine and sincere. And number ten
reason to leave was lack of financial benefits. Now, I
want to break down for you a couple of ways
to know whether it's time to leave or whether there's
still room to work on something I remember learning during
(18:15):
my time as a monk about the three cancers of
the mind, and we were taught that they were complaining, comparing,
and criticizing. And I found that these three are very
true in a relationship. We feel like leaving a relationship
when there's a lot of complaining, comparing, and criticizing. Complaining
(18:38):
is like you never do this, you always do that.
You're never around, you're always late. And often we complain
to people who are not even our partners. Right, You've
got friends over for dinner and they say, oh, yeah,
what time does Jeff usually get home? Oh, we don't
talk about that in this house. We don't talk about
that in this house. Complaining it's almost passive aggressive. And
(19:02):
what that does is it chips away. Complaining chips away.
Venting to each other is fine. And the question I
want to ask you is can you grow from complaining
to communicating? So instead of using passive aggressive statements to
tell your partner how you feel, could you take a
(19:23):
moment and say, I feel that when you come home late,
it makes me feel this way. But I wanted to
understand why you choose to come home late, or what's
your reasoning for coming home late, What's you're reasoning for
working hard, recognizing that maybe that's their identity, maybe that's
(19:43):
conditioning they have. Often, when we feel we're healed, we
think we can see other people's conditioning, but we can't
see the way we feel is our conditioning. So I
often ask couples, can you move from complaining to communicating?
If we continue to complain, we just keep pushing each
other further on, further away. Right when you see the
(20:05):
dishes aren't done, you don't say to the make can
you get the dishes done today? Because you've said that
too many times. It now becomes you wait a week,
and then you go, well, the dishes are always left there.
It's complaining. How do we communicate? How do we set systems?
Because sometimes we've over communicated, but we haven't created systems
(20:26):
of how things run in the household. We haven't created
commitments to overcome complaining. Another big one for when it's
time to move on is comparing. I think a lot
of people live through this, but it's really hard to stomach.
Oh did you know so and so drops his kids
to school every morning?
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Oh did you know? Oh have you seen what she's
been doing building her business? Oh?
Speaker 1 (20:47):
My gosh, Oh my god, have you seen what he's done?
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Oh? Look at him.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
He was on the front cover of that magazine or
whatever it is. Right, Oh, did you see what she's
been up to? Oh my gosh, Like, yeah, she just
got a promotion. Comparing. Comparing is so painful and create
so much emotional distance. Because here's what you've done with comparing.
(21:12):
When you compare your partner to someone else, you've not
only made them emotionally distant from you, You've made them
feel emotionally distant from the person you compared them with.
They now start to dislike that person. So you've now
created an emotional distance from them there, and of course
when you're comparing them, they're now feeling distant from you.
(21:36):
And the question is can you collaborate? Is there still
a room to collaborate? Can you say to your partner, Hey,
you know what I know that this is your goal.
Can I help you with it?
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Hey?
Speaker 1 (21:46):
You know this is something I'm struggling with. Can you
help me with it?
Speaker 2 (21:49):
Hey? Can we collaborate?
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Because when we're comparing, what we're saying is someone else
is collaborating better? Can we use language that motivates in
spe buyers and encourages our partners rather than degrades, makes
them feel downtrodom, makes them feel disrespected. So much of
our language with our partners is demanding, degrading, and disrespectful.
(22:15):
How is someone going to change if you're being demanding, disrespectful,
or degrading. I don't understand which human psychology that works
in So instead of comparing, comparing is the lowest form
of disrespect. It makes someone else feel small, makes someone
else you know, feel big, which makes them feel you
(22:36):
like that person, whether you like them sexually or intimately.
It makes them feel like you find someone else attractive. Comparing,
if it's ongoing, repetitive, and especially if it gets very disrespectful,
is a reason for people to leave. Now criticizing criticizing
is something that has many different levels. There's banter and
(23:00):
then there's real criticism, and there's criticism.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
That you believe.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
And I would encourage you all to ask, is there
room to celebrate your partner? Is there something worth celebrating
in them? Now? I'm not saying any of this is
to make you overcome or ignore toxic behavior by a partner.
If you're experiencing a toxic behavior pattern, if you're experiencing
a repetitive pattern. This isn't about you thinking you can
solve it or making better. It's asking you the question
(23:27):
is there room for celebration or has the criticism gone
too far? It's time to leave when you don't respect
their values and they don't respect yours. What that means
is if you want them to change. If you're thinking,
if they change, I can stay with them. If you're
thinking if they don't change, then I can't be with them,
(23:47):
then it's time to leave because chances are they are
that person now. Of course they change. People grow and
change all the time. But if you're asking for a
big change, like they're not ambitious, you want them to
be driven, the super organized and career driven, and you
want them to be laid back. Often we want our
partners to be the exact opposites of who they are.
(24:09):
If you want your partner to be the exact opposite
of who they are, ask yourself, could you be the
exact opposite of.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Who you are?
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Could you change one eighty your behaviors, your patterns, your actions,
your values, your goals? Could you change them? If your
career driven, could you completely let go of them? If
you're laid back, could you get really focused and driven.
We want to be with people that respect our values,
(24:41):
and we need to be people who.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Respect their values.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Now, I want to give you one last tool that
I think will be really helpful. Often in our relationships,
what we do is we like to keep score. I
cleaned the dishes last three nights in a row. I
took the trash out every time for the last month.
Rop the kids to school every single day. Right, we
keep this score. And the interesting thing is our score
(25:06):
is based on our scorecard. So if your scorecard is money,
I pay all the bills, then that's the scorecard you use. Now,
if your partner scorecard is family, which I consider to
be more emotional, then they're measuring it on that scorecard.
(25:27):
And if you've really got to a point. I don't
like keeping score, but sometimes this activity has been really
helpful for people. I've tested it with expand your scorecard.
The scorecard is now not only financial, it's physical, mental, financial, emotional, spiritual.
(25:49):
Ask yourself in your relationship, who is leading the way
in different parts of the relationship physically, who takes care
of the home, who takes care of the groceries, physically,
who takes care of the kids and the family physically,
Who is doing that physical work?
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Give them one point? Now?
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Mental, who is mentally supporting the relationship? Who helps you
push through tough times? Who stays in a positive attitude,
who's the person who stays resilient?
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Now? Financial, who's taking care of the bills? Now?
Speaker 1 (26:27):
Emotional, who's always emotionally available, who's always there, who always
picks up the phone, who always checks in? And spiritual?
Who's guiding you spiritually? Who's helping you with your faith?
Who's helping you with the practices and habits that make
you feel better? Now, if you're looking at all five
of these scorecards, and you're doing four out of the five,
(26:50):
fair enough, chances are you'll find most relationships are more
equally divided, and maybe there's a three over two. But
what we don't recognize is it's hard to weigh these equally.
But I can honestly say that my wife emotionally manages
(27:11):
the relationship. She's always helping us be in the right mood.
She's always creating fun energy, She's always creating this beautiful
space for us to live in. Physically, she creates an
amazing space it's so easy to forget these things because
we're looking down a very limited lens. I really hope
(27:32):
that this episode helps you first not feel alone, second,
reflect on what you can do to not have to
end this relationship. And thirdly, if you do decide to end,
it gives you good reasoning, makes you feel certain and
confident in your decision. Thank you so much for listening
to On Purpose. Makesure you go listen to another episode
(27:55):
with a guest or a solo right now. Make sure
you've subscribed, make sure you've downloaded the latest episodes, and
remember this. I'm forever in your corner and I'm always
rooting for you. Thank you for listening. If you love
this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew
Hussey on how to get over your ex and find
(28:15):
true love in your relationships. People should be compassionate to
themselves that extend that compassion to your future self, because
truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing
something that gives him or her a shot at a
happy and a peaceful life,
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