3 Effective Ways to Disconnect from Social Media & How to Optimize Your Morning Routine

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be
adding a really special offering onto the back of my
solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily
series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while
outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress
free life. We dive into a range of topics and
the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,

(00:22):
so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter
how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the
on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for
you this year, so I'll be playing a hand picked
Daily Jay during each of my Friday podcasts. This week,
we're talking about your habits and how to develop better
daily routines. Of course, if you want to listen to

(00:44):
The Daily Jay every day, you can subscribe to Calm,
So go to Calm dot com forward slash Jay for
forty percent off your membership. Today only made it. Thank
you for having made it happen. You're in LA.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
I was a guest on the j Sutty podcast You're
an Amazing I loved you.

Speaker 1 (01:10):
It was the short video we made that we put
on Facebook and Instagram that went so much, like people
loved your episode, like absolutely loved it. Amazing.

Speaker 2 (01:18):
Well, they're going to love this episode. I'm pretty big deal.

Speaker 1 (01:21):
I'm very grateful to be here.

Speaker 2 (01:22):
Oh, I'm so grateful that you were here. Last time
we saw each other, I was like getting down, I know,
I know, in high heels.

Speaker 1 (01:28):
It was impressive.

Speaker 2 (01:29):
Okay, so we have to just like start from the beginning. Okay,
not childhood, but like where Jay Shutty was kind of
born into who he is today.

Speaker 1 (01:41):
That was going in a monastery. Yeah, absolutely, so we'll
start from there.

Speaker 2 (01:44):
Yeah, let's start from there.

Speaker 1 (01:45):
I'll give you a bit of a prequel just because
it's important. Okay. So I spent my teens being in
absolute rebel, and I was always experimenting with everything under
the sun, multiple relationships, dabbled in drugs a little bit,
nothing for the form of addiction or wanting anything else
apart from really seeking a thrill, like I was looking
for a thrill. I was looking for meeting. I was

(02:07):
looking for passionate purpose. But for me at that time,
I didn't know what that was called, and it kind
of came out in all these rebellious ways. And I
think that also came from coming from a family where
it was very much like live by the rule. You know,
you can be a doctor, a lawyer, or a failure,
like you've got these three options, and then I was
trying to rebel and question that. The most important thing
was that I spent a lot of my teens, starting

(02:29):
at the later end of my teens, really wanting to
learn and really wanting to hear from people who went
from rags to riches.

Speaker 2 (02:35):
And it just hit you it was one of those
things I have more purpose, No.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
It was. It was a mixture of a few things.
My dad was trying to get me to read. Now,
I'd never read a book until I was fourteen, until
my dad said, I giving me autobiographies and biographies, and
those were the books I started reading. So I read
like David Beckham's autobiography and I read The Rocks autobiography interest.
I was massively in to soccer and massively into wrestling,
so both of those were huge for me.

Speaker 3 (03:00):
You said soccer and that football I did. I want
to call it real football, all right. I went to
to a AFC last night, so I'm trying to you know.
But it was that feeling of my father was trying
to help me grow and think and be more thoughtful
and introduce me to wisdom. And at the same time,
I was just going through experiences where I lost a
couple of friends. You know, one of my friends died

(03:20):
in a car accident and one of my friends died
through gang violence, and like both of those scenarios like
made me start to question, Like wait a minute, Like
they were good people, right, they were like beautiful, loving, kind,
sweet people, but they just went in a moment and
that really got me that year. Like I was around
sixteen years old when that happened, and that really hit me,

(03:40):
and I was just like, what is the meaning of life?
Like where am I going? Like am I using my time?

Speaker 2 (03:44):
Wisely?

Speaker 1 (03:45):
You never saw that coming. And I think when you
lose someone that's close to you, whoever that may be,
I think it makes you question what you do with
your own time, right, And that's what happened to you,
And that's what happened to me, and that's what kind
of started that journey. A couple of years later, I
was invited to an event by my friend and so
this monk was invited to speak, and I didn't even

(04:06):
want to go and I literally said to my friend,
I said, I'll only go if we go to a
bar afterwards, Like that's the only way I'm coming out.
The reason why I'm saying all of this is I
want people to realize how opposite this was of me, right,
because it's not like I grew up as a spiritual
kid or a religious kid or a kid that was
I was totally the opposite. And then I go to
this event because my friends say, yes, we'll go to
the bar afterwards. I'm completely flawed and speechless because everything

(04:31):
this monk is saying is completely cutting through to my heart.
And he's talking about like selflessness, and he's talking about service,
and he's talking about living a life that is worth
of sacrifice for other people. And I'm thinking, why is
this appealing to this eighteen year old guy? But it is,
like all of it's appealing to me. I end up
spending time with them afterwards, you know, like you network.

(04:52):
So I went to network for the monk and yeah, exactly,
like can I get your drink?

Speaker 2 (04:57):
Then?

Speaker 1 (04:58):
And then and I go after him and I say,
you know, everything you so said like really connected with me.
It really felt powerful to me, and I said, I'd
love to experience more of this, and so he said, well,
why don't you come and join me this week? I'm
traveling in London in England, so why don't you just
come and hear me this week, speak and get to
know me better. And I did, and then that led
to me actually going to live with him in India.

(05:19):
So I spent all of my summer holidays we didn't
say vacation summer holidays from eighteen to twenty two, while
I was at university. Every break I got half of it.
I spent interning at financial companies in London, and so
I'd be in bars, steakhouses and suits. And then I'd
spend the other half of my summers living as a
monk in India, robes, meditating, sleeping on the floor. And

(05:41):
then when I graduated, I decided to do it for real.
So I had all those correct correct Yeah, three years? Yeah,
that's right.

Speaker 2 (05:47):
What were you doing in the monastery exactly?

Speaker 1 (05:49):
So we would wake up at four am every day
and half of our day was dedicated to self or
silence and the other half for service self or silence. Yeah,
so you'd spend half the day working on your so
that means self study, self meditation, silence, group meditations, prayer,
the type of things you expect monks to do, and
that's like half of your day, okay, But then the

(06:11):
other half is totally about service. So we would be
building schools, we'd be feeding homeless children, we'd be trying
to develop sustainable villages and food distribution programs that were
helping in serving tons of people in India. And so
I chose this part because it was this perfect balance
between self and service. And the way it was taught
to us is that everything you do in the part

(06:32):
of the self day, you then go and give it
away in the service and you learn more, and then
you come back and do more self realization and then service.
It's like a cycle. Yeah. Exactly three years in, I
had pushed my body to extreme limits, like fasting fasting,
and I'd sleep very little because I wanted to see
the power of meditation. Had this side of me that

(06:52):
wanted to make what I was learning even more relevant,
even more accessible, even more practical. And this is all
in hindsight. I didn't know this. Then My teacher said
to me that he felt it would be better if
I left so I could share what I'd learned.

Speaker 2 (07:04):
Wow, And so he wasn't kicking you out.

Speaker 1 (07:07):
Well, it felt like that because at that time I
didn't have this hindsight of oh yeah, maybe I was
in the wrong place or maybe I'd done my time.
At that time, I was like, I want to do this,
and I'm pushing and literally he comes out and he's
just like, you know, it's not you, it's me. It's
like it feels like one of these awkward breakup conversations,
and I'm thinking, I just gave up everything, like I
broke up with my girlfriend, I left, you know, all
my jobs, I turned down my jobs, I left my family,

(07:28):
like I gave up everything to do this. But then
it was like this revelation both internally and from him
or I was like, maybe this isn't right for me
for life. And that probably is one of the hardest
things to ever have to go through. If you've made
a plan and a vision in your mind of how
you want your life to look like and then it
feels like it's just been taken away. And mine was
to be a monk. It sounds like the weirdest thing,

(07:49):
but if someone takes that away from you, it hurts.

Speaker 2 (07:52):
Well, that's an interesting statement because it's like you felt
a calling to be a monk, but then your teacher said, oh, no,
I think that there's been a different calling for you.
What's the difference for you between a calling and a desire,
because it sounds like you had both.

Speaker 1 (08:09):
Ooh, I like that. Yeah, that's a great question. That's
a great question. A desire is something that you push
and a calling is something that pulls you. Right, that's
the difference, And you're right. I think you're spot on.
I think it was both. I don't think I was
naturally meant to be a monk. I was someone who
was trying to rediscover myself and work through so much
of my teenage years. So for me, a moment for me,

(08:31):
it was a transformation. It was like going to school,
but at the same time it turned into a calling
because I got so fascinated by serving, and I got
so fascinated by wanting to make an impact, and I
got so fascinated by wanting my life to mean more
than just being successful or just being material. And I
think that's what I got introduced to.

Speaker 2 (08:50):
My belief is that like you have to do the
work in order to get to where you are or
where you want to be. And there's so much like
empty prayer or empty meditation that goes into so much
of people's desires or wants or callings. And I think
that sometimes we just have to either be still and
wait for that moment to pull us, or be proactive

(09:14):
in what it is that you truly want to do.
Because you were being proactive in going and talking to
that month. Correct, you were being proactive and spending your
summers with him, but then it was a pulling that
took you to actually go live in the monastery. So
it's like it does take both to get to where
you want to be.

Speaker 1 (09:33):
I couldn't agree with you more. I did a podcast
a few months ago and it's called the Myths of Manifesting,
and I think that's really one of the myths that
we have, that we just believe that just thinking and
just willing and just meditating or just praying and suddenly
someone's going to sprinkle some fairy dust and proof, yeah,
like the Genie's going to turn up and you know
you now are that person. I think the challenge is

(09:54):
that we have to get the balance right and it
can't be about the result. I think wanting and desire
is always about the result. A calling is about the process.
Calling is something you're excited to wake up and do
every day. When you have a desire, it's just like, oh, yeah,
I want to be on the top of that list
or I want to be at the top of.

Speaker 2 (10:12):
That yeah, because we have desires in our career, but
we also have a calling to be where we are today.

Speaker 1 (10:16):
It's the balance. It's both together, right. You want to
do the prayer and the meditation and the manifest things,
but then you want to go and follow that up
and do the work and go do the meetings and
the strategy. You have to embrace polarities. And what I
mean by that is people are like, do I need
to be sincere or do I need to be strategic?
I'm like, you need to be both. Sincerity and strategy
together is a lethal combination. Whereas if you're just sincere,

(10:39):
then you're not practical, and if you're just strategic, then
you're not intentional. And you don't want to be lost
by either of those. You want to have both.

Speaker 2 (10:46):
Faith is important to you and you talk about it
a lot, but I want to know what faith is
for you, because for me, faith is very important. Faith
is something that grounds me. It's the center of who
I am. It's my calling, it's my desires, all of
those things. But what is faith to you?

Speaker 1 (11:02):
Faith to me, like the two polarities is the day
to day practices and the map. So it's the thing
that's guiding every decision. It's the thing that's guiding every
direction that I move in. It's the thing that GUIDs
who I want to be friends with, who I want
to connect with, the type of work I want to do.
But then it's also what I do daily. And to me,
that's what's so beautiful about faith that it can be

(11:25):
practical and simple, but then it can be philosophical and spiritual.
And so me, faith is both because if I'm not
practicing on a daily basis, how can it last? And
if it's not the governing thing behind all my decisions,
then how is it true? Like how is it really?
How is it your moral compass? Also exactly? Yeah, So
for me, it's both of those things at all times.
And so it's everything I do in the morning, So

(11:46):
my meditation, practices, my prayer, the way I communicate, how
I speak to my wife, like I think all of
those things how I speak to anyone, I think all
of those things in my faith. And at the same time,
it's like, I am I doing this out of love?
I Am I doing this out of service? Am I
taking this decision just because it pays the bills and
just because it makes money? Or am I doing this
just because I think it will be cool? It's the

(12:08):
same as It's so funny you asked me this question
because I was speaking to someone about you just before
coming the show today. Yes, I was saying one of
the things I love about Ashley and why I think
we get along so well and we find it so
easy to connect is because we're both have such deep faith. Yes,
And I said, I always find it easier when you
meet someone who has their faith and it may be different,
but they're open yep, and then you just connect. And

(12:30):
that's how I feel with you that when we first
started talking a meeting, I felt it straight away.

Speaker 2 (12:34):
The people who are really rooted in their faith, and
that comes before anything else.

Speaker 1 (12:39):
I always connect.

Speaker 2 (12:41):
It's a big deal.

Speaker 1 (12:42):
Yeah, my wife fell out with you too, even though
we were down to the Bruno Mars. I know, we
were like.

Speaker 2 (12:46):
Yeah, it was so Then you left the monastery and
you met Ariana Huffington.

Speaker 1 (12:54):
I mean she kind of gave you a platform. Well, yeah,
it wasn't that quick. So I left and went back
to London. There was some work there, yeah, exactly. I
moved him back with my parents and I had my
big debt to pay us. So I had my university debt,
which is nowhere near as bad as US debt.

Speaker 2 (13:09):
Oh, it's ridiculous.

Speaker 1 (13:10):
It's so bad here, I can't believe it. So I
had twenty five thousand dollars. So I come back and
I was trying to figure out what to do. And
then fast forward three years. I started making videos after
I came back. So the videos were far after. But
I'd been speaking about these things, studying, teaching, sharing since
I was eighteen, since I was introduced to it. But
then I really felt this. I was talking to companies,

(13:33):
I was talking inside events at corporations, and I was
working one to one and coaching lots of people, and
that will naturally evolve. But I was thinking, how does
this reach every person in the world, Like, how do
we get these messages to reach everyone at no cost,
for absolutely free, to make it really accessible? And I
thought video I don't know if this is true or
whether it's a meme, but I remember seeing something that
said more people in the world own a smartphone than

(13:56):
a toothbrush, and I thought two things. I thought, I
need to make stuff that people can watch on smartphones,
and then I thought, we need to figure out how
everyone can get two thrushes. So that's a crazy Yeah,
it was crazy. I remember seeing it, so I don't
know if it's true or not. We can check it out.
And that triggered a thought in me. I was just like, Wow,
that means there's kids out there who have smartphones, they
don't have two brushes, which means they can access wisdom
and insight and all of this stuff that I've been learning.

(14:18):
So how do we share it with them? So I
started making these videos. And before that, I went and
pitched my video idea to round forty media companies in
London and they all rejected me watch and this was
before I made a video. I pitched them my idea
for a mindfulness based video series. So they were like, Jay,
you have no communication experience, you have no video experience,
you have no hosting experience. I had no official training

(14:40):
in this space, and so They're like no, no, no, no, no,
no no no no. But they were right because I
hadn't yet demonstrated that I could do what I was
asking them to invest in. Wow. And so then I
started making my videos, and my global HR leader at Accentia,
because I was working at Accenta at the time, a
big corporate company, she showed Ariannahuffington my videos at Davos.

(15:01):
And the next thing that happened is I got a
call from Arion Huffington's team and they were just like,
we love your videos, we want to meet you in London.
I met them and I said, look, I'd love to
see what we can do with this. I then send
an email every day for thirty days seeing Danny we
met in London. You promised me that you love my videos,
and the Arian I love them. We've got to do
something with them. They're not just going to sit around
and get out to people and help people. That's deadicate.

(15:23):
And I wasn't charging anything like I made no money
from this whatsoever. It was me wanting to share a
message and hoping that that message would resonate with people.
A month later, Danny replies to me and says, yes, fine,
we do want to get these videos out. And now,
in hindsight, I realized it's because they were going off
and trying to build thrives. So they were busy with
that movie at the same time is trying to do this,

(15:43):
and so Danny makes this happen. I sweak to Arion
on the phone. She's like, Jay, we really love your content.
We are going to share it. We want to make
this happen. And then they share these videos. And we
shared four videos, and those four videos collectively did tens
of millions of views. The first video did a million
in a week, the second video did a million in
twenty four hours and did like thirty million overall. And

(16:03):
they were putting all of this on the huff Post site.
And this was mid twenty sixteen, so it's three and
a half years ago. I literally just it was amazing,
just that overnight of overnight social media, all because of
social media. And like I alway said, I didn't get
paid a penny for any of those That wasn't the point.
The point was always can this message reach people? And
they gave me a platform and so I'm so grateful

(16:25):
to Arianna and Danny and Caro who was on the
team at the time, and Dan like that whole group
of people that I'm still friends with today that were
just so committed to the message and believed in it.
I didn't have a platform at that time, I didn't
have a brand, I didn't have anything, and they believed
in it. So really it's all credit to them. Because
now you have.

Speaker 2 (16:42):
To use social media, which is like a dark place
sometimes how do you handle it?

Speaker 1 (16:48):
I just really have had to build up rules around
my social media use. So my rule is never look
at the phone first thing in the morning.

Speaker 2 (16:56):
Oh my gosh, I am really trying.

Speaker 1 (16:58):
This is my biggest one. I think if we did this,
we would conquer our lives.

Speaker 2 (17:03):
I have now not looked at Instagram for a sing
in the morning. I just look at like the text,
the email. Okay, we're good, I that's good. Yep, that's huge?
Is it for me?

Speaker 1 (17:13):
That's huge. At one point I actually used to put
my phone and my laptop locked in my car downstairs
well because that was the only way I could truly
commence myself not to look at my phone. And I
think we have to go to that extent sometimes, with
that extremity to really push ourselves out of it. So
I don't look at my phone until I go down
to the gym, which is two hours after I meditate
and wake up and everything. So I try and avoid

(17:33):
looking at my phone for those first two hours. And
I find what that does is it gives your mind
time to warm up. You don't start your mind on
someone else's reactive schedule. When you wake up and you
look at that email and you look at that notification,
You're now thinking about everything everyone wants you to do,
not what you want to do right. You're not thinking
about who you want to be or what you want
to achieve. You're thinking about, Oh, Mary wants me to
get that right, you know, Julie wants me to do

(17:55):
that right? Like whatever. It is like, you start thinking
about everyone else's schedule. And then the third day that
happens is And I've said this before, but I think
it's really powerful when you think about it. I think
about this in the morning. It really stops me. None
of us, and I mean literally, none of us would
let one hundred people walk into our bedroom first thing
in the morning. That's true. Ever, before doing your hair,

(18:15):
before you do maybe your makeup, getting clothes on, having
a shower. You never do that, but we let one
hundred notifications enter our mind. That's literally trying to shake
our consciousness awake, right, It's like really trying to wake
your mind up. You're expecting your mind going from zero
to sixty miles per hour in five seconds when you
open up Instagram or WhatsApp or emails, and it's so

(18:36):
much pressure on our minds. That's really all it is.
It's pressure and stress for your mind to have to
wake up and warm up way quicker than our bodies do.
So that's been a huge one for me. That rule.
The other rule I love, which I fail out all
the time but I'm trying, is no technology zones in
your home and no technology times. So I believe that
the bedroom and the dining table should be technology free

(19:00):
because it's more fun to sleep and eat with people. Yep,
so we shouldn't. We should take them out of those
two places in the home. Everywhere else you can use
them places in your home, yes, where you can have
human connections, human time in the just take it away
from those areas. And I think you almost have to
imagine when you walking around your home, you almost have
to imagine, like a red line around the dining table
and a red line around the bedroom, almost like a

(19:21):
laser like imagine if you cross over, it's going to
like electrocute you or something. Maybe we should do that
for some time. You know that could stop you. Bet,
So that's it. Setting up rules around technology for me
has been huge. Making sure that when I get back
in the evening, you're not using technology past seven pm APM.
Whatever that rule is for you. And yes you're gonna
break it, of course, and yes you're not gonna be perfect,
But the point is, at least if you have the rule,

(19:42):
you're working towards something. That's really what wonders for me. Definitely,
at least if it's four out seven days a week, like,
that's good enough for me.

Speaker 2 (19:49):
You're so good with your words and you're such a
great listener, but who is your rock? Who's the person
that's listening to you? And you're able to bounce everything off.

Speaker 1 (20:00):
My wife, My wife is definitely my right. Like she's amazing.
She's more monk than I'll ever be because she naturally
has these like sage like qualities, like so waking up
for her is like a piece of cake. My wife
looks at five am every day and can meditate five
am five am, and spiritual qualities too. She just has that.
So for me, I find my wife's amazing. She's always
good at making sure that I'm doing things for the

(20:23):
right reason. She's always good at checking me. She's always
good at humbling me, grounding me, but in a good way,
not in a critical way, but in a j I
know you can be better than this.

Speaker 2 (20:32):
That's amazing.

Speaker 1 (20:33):
Yeah, So I really have that with her.

Speaker 2 (20:35):
You know, you need a cheerleader. Yes, I think it's
very important. Yeah, and I think that again on social media,
there's like always these ideas of like fairy tale relationships, right,
and expectations, and people aren't talking about what they need.
And I know that you have to talk about relationships
a lot on your social media, like people really want
to know about relationship. Yes, this is something that's kind

(20:57):
of plaguing people. Yeah, I kind of to get into
it a little bit. It's because I feel like, even
though you may not be the expert, you kind of
have to be an expert because of all of like
your followers and all their questions.

Speaker 1 (21:10):
About Well, I think this is fun because I know
you have a wonderful relationship too. Yeah, so my things
never been to be an expert. What I think is
it's fun to unpack the journey when you're on it, right,
Like I almost think like you never get to the
end of the journey. So how do you ever become
an expert because it's almost like if you're an expert,
then that's like you're saying I've nailed this.

Speaker 2 (21:29):
No, but it's it's.

Speaker 1 (21:30):
You can never can't be it can't be an expert
in something like relationships because your relationships always evolving, Like
for example, you're having a baby now, yes, that's going
to evolve your relationshiship change.

Speaker 2 (21:40):
I've never been more in love with Justin than right now.
I love hearing that yes, Like it's just something about
growing life with him is oh my gosh, it like
makes my heart melt. But then when the baby comes,
they all say everybody says like, and we.

Speaker 1 (21:53):
Don't have to sign up for that, everybody I know.

Speaker 2 (21:55):
And that's the other thing. You don't have to listen
to what everybody says. I have blocked out so many
things that people are like, you know, what's going to happen.

Speaker 1 (22:04):
It's going to be like this, and I'm like, does
it have to be like that? It doesn't know, there
are certain trends and patterns that we can be wary of,
of course, and people see that, they're like, Okay, when
you get married, this happens, when you have kids, this
of course. But I think if you let that define
your whole experience, that's the biggest mistake you can make.
And so for me, all I'm trying to share is
the journey and the process of figuring it out. That's

(22:25):
all I'm trying to share. And when she was the
first guest on my podcast that I interviewed, and the
whole conversation was, here's all the mistakes we made in
our first three years of marriage, like, this is what
we got wrong. Oh wow, you went in. That's what
we talked about because I wanted people to hear how
much stuff we've worked through, because that's the fun of it.
Because when you can have fun working through stuff and

(22:46):
people are hearing that, they're like, oh, my relationship is
not so different now, because if all I'm seeing is
the selfies and the happiness and all that kind of stuff.
So for me, that's where my expertise is. My expertise
is how do I share while I'm going through it
and with you just the experience I have. So like,
I'm not giving advice to couples who have kids, right
because I've not been through that. I don't know what
that feels like. When I go through it, I'll figure

(23:08):
it out and I'll share some So I'm sharing pre marriage,
getting married. The earlier is in marriage what I'm.

Speaker 2 (23:14):
Learning from that point, which also is a really hard
part of the marriage. I think, so it is. Our
first year was quite interesting to say go on. I mean,
it was just like we waited till we were married
to have sex. We hadn't lived together. My career was
really kind of started taking off, and he went to
grad school, and it was like finding this balance of
like who we are in so many different aspects, but

(23:37):
like knowing that divorce is not an option, so it's
like we have to focus and work on this. And
nobody they tell you, oh, marriages work, marriages work, but
nobody can explain it to you because every marriage is
so different. So it's good to hear that other people
are explaining their first three years of marriage and the
struggles that they've been through. Something we did do on

(23:58):
our Honeymoon actually was read the Five Love Languages. Have
you read that? I loved that book.

Speaker 1 (24:04):
I've made videos on that book. Yeah, I've made like
three videos on that book. And I think Gary Chapman's
a genius.

Speaker 2 (24:11):
What are your languages?

Speaker 1 (24:12):
I believe your love languages based a lot about how
your parents loved you. Oh iNeST, so my love like.

Speaker 2 (24:18):
You want what your parents didn't give you, or you
still want what they gave you, both depending on how
good or brother correct.

Speaker 1 (24:24):
So mine was and this is how I traced it back.
I love my mom. She's amazing. And when my mom
was raising me, she sometimes couldn't spend a lot of
time in me because she was working too. But I
knew that on my birthday she would always get me
the gift that I wanted. She would always get it,
no matter what it was. And we didn't grow up
with a lot, but she would save up make sure
that I had it, and she would find it and
should get it for me, and it would just be

(24:45):
one thing, but it would always be the one thing
I most wanted. So, like one year is like Power
Rangers or something like that, And I realized that I
associated love with gifts.

Speaker 2 (24:54):
So is that your number one?

Speaker 1 (24:55):
That was my number one love language? Is it giving
and getting? Yes? So I love giving people grand gestures
and I love receiving grand gestures. But my wife, her
number one love language is quality time because her family
on their birthdays and stuff, would just time spent. Yeah,
they wouldn't go out to work that day, her dad
would stay home. They would plan an activity or whatever
something like that, and so they spend time together. So

(25:17):
when we met, I was like, where's my gift? Like
where is it? It's like, do you not love me?
And I would be giving her these grand gestures and
gifts on her birthday and she'd be like, I just
want to spend time with you, and.

Speaker 2 (25:28):
Okay, I want you to break mine down.

Speaker 1 (25:29):
Go on.

Speaker 2 (25:30):
I'm acts of service? Yes, what does it mean that
giving out receiving? I like getting acts of service? Like,
if you want to love me acts of service?

Speaker 1 (25:39):
Well, that's the hardest one, right was amazing is a
talented man?

Speaker 2 (25:45):
That is I mean it's like the vacuums make the
best and the thing that I asked you one time
and it's done.

Speaker 1 (25:52):
Wow, that is impressive. Oh yeah, active service is one
of the hardest ones. Oh, so I'm hard. No you're not. No. No,
So that's me projecting my bias and how scary. That's
me going, oh my god, I'm so glad that I
could never do that. I could never live up to that.
But no, that's beautiful and that's what I mean. That

(26:12):
you are with a partner who understands that, loves that,
is able to give that, and that's great.

Speaker 2 (26:16):
Love languages are very important in relationships, and Justin's time
spent and physical touch okay, those are his tops. So
I just know that, like I know what he needs
and you knows what I need. And I think that
anybody who feels like they're not connecting with their partner
should read that book.

Speaker 1 (26:34):
One hundred percent. I love that book. I recommend it
to everyone. And I think the biggest thing we should
all notice is until you read that book and until
you figure out love languages, you are speaking different languages, right,
and so it's like literally speaking to your partner in
a language they don't understand, right, And so you could
be doing everything like for example, for you, you know,
Justin could be buying you like the best gifts in
the world and taking on fancy holidays and all this

(26:54):
kind of stuff, but he's not doing acts of service,
and you're going to be like, well, now, what doesn't
he love me? Yeah, exactly any and he does. Like
you may be with someone, anyone who's listening and watching
this right now. You may have someone who loves you deeply.
You've just never articulated what your love language is. You
have to speak up. You have to share it. You
can't no one can read in between the lines. You

(27:15):
can't expect that person to figure it out by looking
at you. You need to tell them this is how
I feel most loved right This is what I need
to feel loved. And I see so many couples that
get scared about saying this or doing this or there.
It's like hard for your ego because being able to
have enough vulnerability and openness to say to your wife,
I need you to tell me I've got this right

(27:36):
like words of affirmation that I need words of affirmations,
and you know, the ego goes, oh no, I don't
really need that for my wife. But you have to
share it. If you don't tell them that, how are
they're going to know. You're got to put your ego
aside and be really open and honest.

Speaker 2 (27:48):
Everything you talk about on social media and through your
videos is so emotional based, and there's just a lot
of like that inner work, especially like with relationships. But
what about the physical aspect, like physical like the intimacy
and all of that.

Speaker 1 (28:02):
Do you ever touch on any of that?

Speaker 2 (28:05):
Ah?

Speaker 1 (28:05):
Let me think I've definitely talked about it from an
abuse point of view, right, You're talking about from a.

Speaker 2 (28:10):
From well, like when you're married, sex is important, yeah, right,
And I think that for me, my understanding is like
you have to have the emotional first before the sex
can stay consistent, correct and great.

Speaker 1 (28:24):
It's so much easier to talk about that or go
into that, And that's why I focus so much on
my content on the other side, right, And my content
is so heavily focused on the compatibility, on the healing,
on the deep work, because I'm like, if people get
this right, they're gonna have an amazing relationships, You're gonna
have amazing physical Like everything's gonna be great. But when
you look at all these magazine covers and you always see, like,

(28:46):
you know, the seven things she wants in bed and
the three things, and it's always those things. And that's
what I love about what I've been able to do
with video is that we've shifted the conversation. The videos
game millions, millions and millions of views, but we're talking
about stuff that actually is going to make a difference,
right Whereas you telling someone like, these are the three
things she wants in bed, like, that's not going to
change your relationship. If you aren't compatible, if you don't connect,

(29:06):
if you don't speak the right love languages, if you're
not empathetic, if you're not vulnerable, like, then that three
list of this and seven lists of that isn't going
to do anything. It's void. And that's where I'm trying
to get to with people, because I don't want people
to use sex as a substitute for that, and I
don't want people to use sex as an excuse for that,
and I don't want people to use sex as a
cover up for not having any of that, because I
know having been in tons of relationships where it was

(29:28):
just physical and that's all there was. That's the only
time it felt good. It didn't felt good at any
other time. I didn't go home with a beautiful feeling
in my heart. And then when it's only about that,
that's also when it can be easily replaced, right, Because
that's easily changeable, right, And that's why I think so
many people go through and I talk about my videos
so much about cheating and loyalty, because when it is

(29:50):
just physical, it becomes so much more easier to just
disconnect and till away it's happened.

Speaker 2 (29:55):
And now heartbreak, Yes, what's your advice on heartbreak?

Speaker 1 (29:59):
I know you.

Speaker 2 (30:00):
You have a video up it's like the five things
people should do through heartbreak, and one of them is like,
get rid of everything from the past and only focus
on the present in the future. I like that's hard
for people.

Speaker 1 (30:12):
I like getting rid of visual triggers. I think the
challenge in a lot of our lives is that we're
surrounded by the same sounds, the same sights, right, and
the same people that we were in our past. And
I see this with anything. And I'm sure you felt
this when you went deeper into your faith. Did your
circles change?

Speaker 2 (30:30):
Right?

Speaker 1 (30:30):
When you went deeper into your faith? Did what you
look at change? Right? So you look at my heart change,
your heart changed, but internal lint external?

Speaker 2 (30:38):
Yes, Because for me, when I transformed in my faith,
it was a transformation of my heart, yes, not about
what I was actually doing or not doing correct.

Speaker 1 (30:46):
And that's what I feel for anyone, anyone that I've
witnessed and observed go through transformation in their life. Their
environments have changed, and so for me, a lot of
us are making it harder for yourself. It's like saying,
I want to start working out every day, but I
don't own any trainers. Right, It's like that's not going
to work. It's like doing the opposite, Like I want
to go on a diet, but I'm going to keep

(31:07):
chocolate cake in my refrigerator, right Like it's that. So
you're saying, I want to get over the past, but
I'm going to keep my ex's sweater right next to me,
and I'm going to keep all these text messages that
I could keep reading through.

Speaker 2 (31:19):
Again, why do people go back and read text messages
because from someone that broke their.

Speaker 1 (31:24):
Heart, Because nostalgia and imagination is more powerful, right, the
feeling of nostalgia, And this is in studies too, Like
the research by nostalgia is you always think things were
better in the past with something like that. So you
read a message, You're like, oh, but they love me
so much and now, what you're doing is reality is here,
and you've got your own version of reality playing here.

(31:45):
So you're basically writing your own movie script up here
when reality is telling you this, and nostalgia is that script.

Speaker 2 (31:51):
That fantasy that's never going to be.

Speaker 1 (31:53):
That fantasy that isn't real. So it's you saying I
don't want to accept what is, and I'm trying to accept.

Speaker 2 (31:59):
What if those people who can't get over that hump?

Speaker 1 (32:03):
What do you tell them? One of the biggest things
like do you really want no? No, no, no, no, it's good,
it's a good conversation. I think one of the biggest
things I say to people is just like, let's kind
of break their space that they're in. It's almost like
that person needs a space change and they need to
get out of that zone. And so for me, I'm
always encouraging people to start doing new things. I think

(32:24):
it's so powerful when you go and have a new experience,
when you try something new, you join a new class,
you've never done it before, because guess what, it's about
finding yourself again. So you're now learning new things about yourself.
You're now falling in love with yourself. It's about falling
in love with you correct, And I think that the
biggest mistake we make in that time is everyone's telling you, oh,
when's the rebound, Like are you going to date this guy?
When are you going to start dating again or this girl?

(32:47):
When you're going to be out there again? And it's
almost like, well, no, maybe it's about I go inside
this time and spend some time with myself. And I
think new experiences are a beautiful way of doing that,
because you only learn new things about yourself when you
do new things with yourself right free. You never, like,
we never do new things with ourselves. You're always you're

(33:07):
always doing the same things with the same people. But
imagine you start doing new things on your own, and
now you have new memories. And one of the things
I've been talking about a lot with people is forming
new memories. If you don't make new memories, the old
ones will always hold you back. And that's why we're
stuck in the old because we're not making any new ones,
so the old ones just keep pulling you back. So
the best way to make new memories is a set

(33:29):
up an experience do with a friend that you love,
and when you go out there, it's this technique that's
often used for grounding and therapy and everything, but I
use it for presents and that's how we were trained
in it as monks. When you go somewhere and you're like,
I want to take a mental picture of this. How
many times have you ever said that? Where you go somewhere,
you're like, I want to have this in my mind
and I want to keep it forever, and the iPhone
camera is not and the camera is not going to
do it. It's not going to keep it emotionally. And

(33:50):
I think we're so bad at creating emotional memories that
are new. So the best way to do it is
called five four three two one. Okay, So when you're
in a space and let's say I want to do
it this, I look at five things that I can see,
So five things that I can see right now. So
I'm going to say, you obviously important part of the memory.

Speaker 2 (34:07):
You're important too. Yeah, Yeah, I'm doing it with you.

Speaker 1 (34:10):
Yeah. I'm going to say the rug, So I'm getting
for space. You're going to look at the ceiling, so one, two, three, four,
I'm going to say, the couch. There five things that
I can see. The second thing is four things that
you can touch. Okay, so four things I can touch my.

Speaker 2 (34:24):
Silky dress, really dry skin. You're good at descriptions, silky dress,
dry skin, this is good. Texted ro yes and oh yeah, amazing.
Three things that you can hear. I can hear the light, yes,
I can hear myself swallow, and I can hear your
voice perfect.

Speaker 1 (34:43):
And then two things that you can smell.

Speaker 2 (34:46):
I can smell my garlic breath. I'm having a hard
time smelling basically anything because you can hear how clogged
I am. Yeah, me too, but maybe my perfume.

Speaker 1 (34:58):
Okay. And then one thing about me. Yeah, no, that's
and the one thing you can taste garlic. Great. So
if you did that in an experience, then all you
have to do to make a mental picture, to take
a mental picture of everything you do. Five four, three
to one. Five things you can see, four things you
can touch, three things you can hear, two things you

(35:19):
can smell, and one thing you can taste. I really
like that. Yeah, it's beautiful. And this is what I
mean by when you're going through a breakup, the biggest
mistake you make is the old memories hold you back
because you don't know how to make new memories. And
so my advice to everyone is go and make new memories.

Speaker 2 (35:32):
Okay, So I did Tony Robbins right, and it was
the lightning. It was fun and the biggest thing that
I came away with was I don't live in the present.
I'm constantly living for the what's next. Yes, here we go,
you know, okay, team, it's time to hustle. And he
said what are you grateful for? And I mean I
could sit there and say, I'm grateful for my health,
I'm grateful for my family, I'm great, you know, like

(35:54):
I could list a few things, but he said, what
are you grateful for in your career? And it's like
I had to really go so deep. And I think
that maybe if I started doing in the five four
three two one, I would be able to go back
to experiences that I thought my heart remembered, but my

(36:15):
mind did it totally. And I am totally implementing five
fourth three.

Speaker 1 (36:19):
And that's exactly what it's so today it's used for
a lot of people who struggle with anxiety to bring
them back into the moment. When we were trained in
as monks, it was what we did for presents, like
is Zellie what you said. And this is why the
biggest mistake we make is when you're having an experience,
the only sense we activate is the eyes. And that's
where when you're trying to think of a past memory,
you go, what was it again? Because you have to
close your eyes because that was the only one that

(36:39):
was activated. Whereas what we've done with five four three
to one is you've now absorbed this memory through all
the five senses, which means each one of them is
going to give you a different bond. And I like it. Yeah, wow,
all right, switching gears a little bit.

Speaker 2 (36:52):
I really feel like insecurities breed negativity, right, And a
model that I like to live by is kill people
with kindness. What do you think about that?

Speaker 1 (37:03):
Yeah? I love that. I agree with you completely. This
is the beautiful thing that happens when you say thank
you to someone who's kind to you. It does three things.
The first thing is you recognize kindness, So now you're
triggering your mind to start recognizing kindness and you're not
recognizing kindness in them. The second thing you do is
you reinforce kindness in them. They realize they're like, oh,

(37:23):
when I'm kind people appreciate it, so I'm going to
be more kind. So you've now reinforced kindness within them.
And the third thing is you help them repeat it.
Now that you've shown them that their kindness is reciprocated,
they're now going to be kind to more people. So
when you recognize kindness in someone, it reinforces that belief
that kindness is amazing, and then they repeat that kindness

(37:44):
to other people. So now you've started this domino effect
of kindness just by thanking one person who knew.

Speaker 2 (37:51):
It's so interesting to hear you talking about being a
monk and like how you spend half the day working
on yourself and half of the other day working to
give out to others. What is your take on putting
yourself first? And like is it selfish?

Speaker 1 (38:05):
So with monkey teachings, the point is you are taking
care of yourself first in order to serve better. So
it's always like I'm going to put myself first so
that I can fill up so that I can serve
with more it because we want to serve with our
best selves. I always say this people. It's like people
just like Jay, should I go to this party? Should

(38:26):
I go oud to this event? Should I call up
this person, Should I do this? Should I do that?
I'm just like, well, if you're going to show up
there with that energy where you're gonna have to convince
yourself to go, then guess what that person's going to
feel that, right, is if you're want to show up
and you're gonna show up with your best So I
feel for me, it's not selfish. If the intention is
I want to give more and serve more, that's good.

(38:46):
It's selfish when it's just like, oh, I'm just gonna
take care of myself because that's all that matters. Right
where it's just like, no, I'm gonna take it on
myself because I want to give my best self to
the people I love, to the people of the world,
to the people I care for, and so I'm going
to keep prioritizing myself. So I went down the wrong journey.
When I first started wanting to serve, I used to
just think, Oh, I'm going to stay up all night.
Someone needs me to drive halfway across the country, I'll

(39:07):
do that. And I would do things like that, and
I started to realize I was just people pleasing. I
wasn't serving. I was actually serving my own ego. That
was the most selfish thing. Interesting, it was the most
selfish thing because it's just people pleasing. But then I realized,
actually me saying, look, you know what, I need to
go a good night's sleep tonight, but I promise you
first in the morning, we're going to talk about this
and I'm going to bring my best self to this conversation.
People started to respect that and value that and gave

(39:28):
me that space. And so for me, as long as
your intention is clear that you're putting yourself first so
you can give more, that's the best thing you can do.
Because I don't want to die early because I'm negligent
of my health, because I mean, you're going to serve
less in the long term.

Speaker 2 (39:42):
And have you noticed this shift on social media where
it feels like we're all kind of competing in the
self care Olympics. What do you feel like that pressure
is that for everybody just to like look and feel centered.

Speaker 1 (39:53):
I think it's a good thing that people are now
starting to realize that fatigue is not a badge of honor,
that you're only successful if you feel that way at
the end of the day. But I think this is
what always happens in the world. Balance only comes when
we go from one extreme to the other extreme. So
at one point, maybe a few years ago, I don't
know how long, people were always like, you have to,

(40:13):
you know, grind and hustle, and that's the only thing
about success. And you have to work hard. And if
you're not tired, then you're never going to be successful.
You're never going to be a millionaire, billion or whatever
it is. And I think that was the talk. And
now the talk's gone the other way. If you're not
getting a message every week and you're not you know,
sleeping eight hours and massages, yes, exactly, and then it
goes to the other extreme. And that's how the world

(40:34):
gets back into balance. Right, And we know the answers
the middle, right, We know that you need to feel
a bit stretched in order to work on yourself. You
need to work on yourself to stretch yourself a little more.
And life is never the perfect middle. It's constantly back
and forth. And I think that's the mistake. We're looking
for middle, or we're looking for extreme, and actually it's
just back and forth. It's just oscillating. I'm never at

(40:56):
a point where I'm like, oh my life is in
perfect balance, because balance is a myth.

Speaker 2 (40:59):
What are three pices for self care that you live
by or that you give as examples?

Speaker 1 (41:04):
One of my favorite ones is what I talk about
emotional vocabulary. So Harvard and you can google this has
this great table and it shows how limited our emotional
vocabulary is. So what I mean by this is if
someone asks you, how's your week been? That's all right?
All right? Good? Bad? Fine? Okay? Right, how's your wee

(41:26):
going good? How's your day been? Okay? How are you
doing tonight? Fine? Right? That's literally how we describe our lives.
Sometimes I say so good, I love it good. At
least you've got an expansive emotional vocabulary so expensive, but
our emotional vocabulary so limited. Now there's a challenge here.
We don't get to understand how we truly feel because

(41:48):
we never articulate and express it. So when you say
that you're angry, are you offended? Are you irritated? Are
you defensive? There's so much more to the word angry
than just anger. Or when you say I'm sad. When
you say you're sad, are you upset? Are you regretful?
Are you triggered? Right? There's just so much more. When

(42:09):
you self diagnose and you limit your vocabulary, you're just like, oh,
I'm just sad, I'm just angry, and which means that
you can't articulate to yourself what you're really dealing with,
and you can't articulate to a friend what you're dealing with,
so you don't feel understood. And feeling understood is such
an important part of self care. The feeling that I
can articulate what I'm really going through and someone understands me.

(42:32):
That's huge for self care. I think it's one of
the most important things of self care. When you look
at someone and you feel they really get me. Isn't
that so good for your confidence and your self worth
and your significance. You like that feel loved exactly all
in one moment. So for me, that's one of the
best self care techniques is when I'm struggling with something,
let me not settle for the base level emotion, let

(42:53):
me really understand it. And then if you're speaking to
a therapist, you're speaking to your adoptor you're speaking to
your friend, you can now actually articulate it better so
they can actually help you back Wow, and you full understood.
The second yeah, The second self get that I absolutely
love is how we talk to ourselves, right, and so
this to me is probably the biggest one. One thing

(43:13):
I was talking about is I looked at the definition
of confidence, and I've never done this, but I love.

Speaker 2 (43:18):
Literally I haven't either. I've never talked about confidence all
the time.

Speaker 1 (43:21):
So I told I look at the definition and it
starts off by talking about self assurance and you think, okay, yeah,
that's what I imagine when confidence. And then it says
and it's the appreciation of one's own abilities and qualities,
which blew my mind. Notice it didn't say receiving appreciation
for your qualities self. Yeah, appreciation of one's own abilities

(43:44):
and qualities, not the appreciation of others, not the validation
of our there's not the approval of others.

Speaker 2 (43:48):
But that's why you can say I have confidence in you,
correct or I have confidence in myself correct.

Speaker 1 (43:53):
Okay, yeah, And so the way we talk to ourselves
is all over the place. It's key. When you're going
out to a party, you dress up and you look
at the person and you go, how do I look
in this? And I'm like, no, ask yourself, how do
I look in this like how do I feel in this?
Or when you go to an interview people say how
would people describe me in three words? It's like, why
do we care about how people would describe it? How

(44:14):
would I describe myself in three words? And so for me,
the way we talk to ourselves is such a big thing.
So I have this mechanism that I love coaching people
on and sharing with people. It's called spot stop swap
spot my British accent. Okay, spot spot a spot of tea.
Spot stop stop swap swap. Yeah. So every time that's

(44:35):
very good, that's very very and I'm not even that partial,
but you made me sound really fush.

Speaker 2 (44:41):
I I love it.

Speaker 1 (44:43):
I feel like we need to hold a bit of tea.
But spot stop swap. So every time you notice yourself
say something negative to yourself, oh, spot it first, start
spotting that pattern because that's all it is. It's a pattern.
And we don't realize how much the words we say
to ourselves have an impact. That when you say something
like yourself like oh I'm starving. Right when you say that,

(45:05):
guess what your body gets triggered into feeling like it's starving. Son.
So do I That's what I'm picking on this example,
Whereas what you actually mean is I've been lazy, I
haven't planned my meals, i haven't eaten for two three hours,
and you're saying I'm starving. Starving is the person who
doesn't know where their next meal is coming from. You're
just hungry and disorganize. And so when we say to myself,

(45:26):
I'm exhausted, rather than saying I'm going to make time
for a nap today or I'm going to sleep earlier today,
you're saying the same thing. But what you're saying is changing.
It's a spot first, spot that pattern. One of the
things I think a lot of people say to themselves
is I'm not good enough. I'm ugly, I'm not beautiful.
She's beautiful, he's really good looking, he's got a great body,

(45:47):
she's whatever. And if you spot that, where is that happening.
It's usually happening when you're browsing through social media. So
now let's stop. Let's limit the time you spend in
that place with that person. Whatever it is that's sparking
and triggering that thought, Let's limit that time and then
let's swap it for something better. So what am I
going to swap that with. I'm going to listen to
Ashley's podcast. I'm going to read this book that actually recommended,

(46:10):
called The Five Love Languages. I'm going to go to
a class that I've been wanting to go to, or
a workshop or whatever it may be. Like, you've now
opened yourself up to swapping it to spot stop swap
to start to spot the patterns the way you talk
to yourself that are bringing you down. Start stopping being
in those places and times that spark that thought because
there's usually an alignment, and then swap it, upgrade it

(46:33):
for something higher. Yeah that's good.

Speaker 2 (46:35):
Yeah, I can't say it three times fast though.

Speaker 1 (46:38):
Spot stops. Yeah. So that's That's really my second one
and my third one. This is probably one of my
favorite ones right now. And I think we've been told
for a long time that you're the average of the
five people who spend most time with We've had that
again and again and again, and everyone's always like, get

(46:59):
together with people and be like and stuff. And I've
been thinking about that a lot lately, and I was
a lot of my friends were saying, you know, je,
I'm always around people, but I still feel lonely. I
don't know if you've heard there people like I'm busy,
but I'm lonely. I'm around people, especially here in LA
and New York, right, Yeah, and you feel that people
feel lonely. And I said, the challenge is we need
to stop getting together and when you start growing together.
And what I mean by that is, schedule one experience

(47:22):
once a week with a friend. Well, you're both growing together.
Choose an activity that neither of you are a proa.
So don't go to yoga class if one of you
is a yoga enthusiast and the other is it. Go
somewhere where there's a level playing field. Why because you
now get a fresh experience together. It's so good because
it boosts your confidence. So you're bad totally. And because
you're going together and you're both bad, there's no pressure.

(47:44):
And my best memory of this is once for training,
I was sent to Chicago and it was eighty of
us who'd never worked together. This was when I joined
a corporate company. Eight of us were sent to Chicago
for training, but we were told it was Chicago, but
actually we were two hours outside of Chicago, in the
middle of nowhere, and we'd be at training nine am
to six pm, and then at six pm it was
too late to get into Chicago, so we'd have to
do something. And the only thing we could do is

(48:05):
play sport because there are all these outdoor sports places.
Ten of us every night would go out and we
played volleyball in the snow. None of us had ever
played volleyball before. I could pick up the phone to
any of these people today because we all just had
this crazy unique experience together and you're learning something together.
I think we underestimate this. Learning something every day is
huge for your self care because you only feel good

(48:28):
about yourself when you feel your progressing. So I started
this really simple habit and it's learning a new word
every single day.

Speaker 2 (48:36):
Oh oh, I've been writing down in my notes.

Speaker 1 (48:39):
Woh I love this. Okay amazing. So literally learning a
new word everything. And you may say, yeah, I want
to learn a new city, or I want to learn
about a new culture, or I want to learn about
a new cuisine, or I want to learn, but make
it small and something you can achieve, like in three minutes.
And so my word today was maraki mr aki. Yeah,
And what it means is to do something with soul

(49:00):
or to create and leave a piece of you in it,
in what you create. And what I love about that
word is, now I've shared that with you. We're not
having a discussion about it. You've now contributed to a conversation.
Your self worth gets boosted because you've learned something new,
You've proved to yourself you can remember and share it.
Those are just some answers straight away that came to
my mind. Practices that I think are really simple.

Speaker 2 (49:22):
They are simple. Explain them because I think some people
just rattle things off and they don't go into explanation,
and I think that's really important. I think that a
lot of people are looking for peace. What do you
say to those people who are just in search of peace?

Speaker 1 (49:39):
I'm glad you asked this. So the tagline of my
book is called train your mind for peace and purpose
every day.

Speaker 2 (49:44):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (49:45):
I believe that it's something that can be trained, and
I believe it's something that you have to take responsibility for.
The world around you is never going to be fully peaceful. Ever,
even if there was world peace, you would still not
have peace. With a little argument with your partner or
a little issue at work. That's never going to disappear.

(50:05):
So the desire for everything around you to be calmed
is a wishful thought that doesn't have an end, whereas
the feeling of wanting to create calm and peace within
is very realistic. And the point is that that piece
is always going to get triggered. And I think that's
the mistake we make. We're looking for this perfect, consistent,

(50:27):
never touched definition of piece, whereas piece is something you're
constantly training yourself to look for. So what I would
say is that people should try and find the one
activity they have in their day that brings them peace.
It could be sitting and having them warning tea. It
could be sitting and reading from a book they love.
It could be having a beautiful conversation in their partner.

(50:47):
Whatever it is, just have one activity a day that
brings you peace. In my book, obviously I talk about
a lot more than that, but to find just something
that brings you peace. It could be a mindset that
brings you peace. So I really believe that all stress,
pressure or lack of peace comes from your mind being
ahead of your body, or your body being ahead of

(51:07):
your mind. So how many times have you been in
a scenario or your mind's like racing really really fast,
and your body's like, oh, I just want to be
in bed, right, right. Everyone been in that situation, yeah,
Or you're in the opposite scenario where your body is
moving really really fast doing a lot, but your mind's like, oh,
I'm still want to be in bed.

Speaker 2 (51:24):
Oh that was me, yes, true, right, right.

Speaker 1 (51:26):
So we've all experienced both.

Speaker 2 (51:28):
You get into all this in your book, don't you. Yes, Oh,
I can't wait.

Speaker 1 (51:31):
To get it. So the alignment of the two is
what creates peace. Let's say why I did. I was
running late today and I'm stressing. I'm like, I haven't
thought about this, and I don't know what it's about.
And maybe i'm you know, all that stuff that we
know that you'd be stressed about when you're running to
work and I'm sitting in the back of a lift
or uber or I'm driving and I turn up to
the meeting.

Speaker 2 (51:49):
Because you live in LA and you can draft correct.

Speaker 1 (51:51):
So what I would do is I sit down and
I breathe in for the same count that I breathe out.
So I breathe in for account of four and those
through the nose, out through the mouth, and I breathe
out for account of four. Now, when you breathe in
for the same amount of time as you breathe out,
you're lining your body and mind. Why because your mind
is counting one two three four and your body in

(52:12):
unison is breathing in and out one two three four.

Speaker 2 (52:14):
This is very similar to hypno birth things.

Speaker 1 (52:17):
Yes, oh oh no, I didn't know that I was.

Speaker 2 (52:20):
What they're teaching me through like going through contractions and things.
It's amazing because it like it connects your body and
your mind and it helps you deal with any kind
of stress. Yes, and because I'll be going through physical
stress correct, it's going to help me through that.

Speaker 1 (52:33):
Amazing. Yeah, I love that. And that's the point that
whenever your mind or body are ahead or behind of
each other, that's where you feel a lack of peace, right,
And so you find peace when you come back into alignment.
So Gandhi said, when what you think, what you say,
and what you do are align, then you'll feel peace
and harmony.

Speaker 2 (52:50):
I'm excited for more J. Shetty knowledge.

Speaker 1 (52:52):
Thank you. Yeah, you're very kind.

Speaker 2 (52:53):
No, you're kind.

Speaker 1 (52:54):
You're very kind, honestly, And I really love our conversations
because a you ask an amazing question as well. Be
you make it very fun to be around me, and
see I'm just so impressed. Right, oh, I am blown away.

Speaker 2 (53:09):
Thank you for being here having me. But before I
let you go, there's one thing that we do at
the end of every pretty big deal. Everybody kind of
freaks out. You don't have to get up and do
but you have to answer a couple of questions. We
do the live body lightning round. What's the last pretty
penny you spent?

Speaker 1 (53:25):
Ooh? Probably these?

Speaker 2 (53:28):
Oh those are good. He's lifting up his ship. These
are nice trainers. What's your biggest deal breaker on in
any scenario?

Speaker 1 (53:38):
No? Intention? Oh that's good. If I don't feel someone
as an intention, it doesn't have to be right or wrong,
because I think that's subjective. Right.

Speaker 2 (53:46):
But it's like it's like an empty question.

Speaker 1 (53:48):
Correct, Like where's the heart? Is there? Any heart? Is there? Soul?
Is there intention to this? Or is it just because?
All right?

Speaker 2 (53:55):
And because we're on pretty big deal and you're a
pretty big deal, I want to know what's a pretty
big deal to you.

Speaker 1 (54:00):
I'm not used to being on the other side of these.
I ask a lot of this questions.

Speaker 2 (54:04):
I put it on the other side.

Speaker 1 (54:05):
I know you were great. A pretty big deal to
me is being able to make really meaningful friendships after
thirty years old. As we get older, I think it's
hard to build really deep, meaningful relationships. A pretty big
deal to me is finding really meaningful, deep, beautiful relationships
that are genuine, authentic that I could pick up the
phone too in a tough time, that would call me

(54:27):
in a tough time. Yeah, I put that above everything.

Speaker 2 (54:29):
That's a good point there, Jay, Thank you so much
for coming on. Thank you, Neil. I really appreciate you.

Speaker 1 (54:34):
This sears. Thank you. This is so much fun. It was.
I love this. Check this out. On an average commercial flight,
the captain has the autopilot engaged about ninety percent of
the time, and some psychologists estimate that we make about

(54:58):
ninety percent of our desc decisions similarly on autopilot without thinking.
But unlike an airline pilot, when we take our hands
off the controls, we don't usually end up where we
want to go. But don't worry. There's a simple way
that we can stay dialed In the next seven minutes

(55:19):
are about intention and adding direction to the choices you
make in life. I'm Jay sheddy, Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now,
before we take off, let's pause and take three deep
breaths to help us get centered. Breathing in and breathing out,

(55:46):
inviting inward and releasing outward, opening up and settling in. Now,
let me tell you a story. Before I started high school,

(56:07):
if you'd have asked me what my worst subject was,
I'd have said art, no question. But then I met
mister Buckerridge. He was an art teacher in my school,
Tall and thin, and I remember how he always wore
these red checked shirts and knit ties. I also remember

(56:28):
something mister Buckridge would do that really bugged me, at
least at first. He'd stroll around the room looking at
our work, and each time he'd stop at my desk
and ask me this question why, like, why had I
decided to use that color combination? I don't know. I'd say,

(56:50):
because it looks cool. Mister Buckrage would shake his head,
that's not a real reason. He always pushed me to
really think things through, to be clear about my choices,
and honestly, that's where I first learned the power and
the importance of intentionality. That lesson has helped me throughout

(57:13):
my life and it's one that can help you too.
When I left high school, art had gone from being
my worst class to my best. But it wasn't because
I got good at painting or drawing. I didn't. I'm
still terrible at them. It's because I learned to look
at the world through the lens of intention. And now today,

(57:37):
if I'm launching a new project, or even just decorating
my office, at every step along the way, I know
my why. When we ask why, it's like turning on
a light in a dark room. We're no longer just
feeling our way around, hoping we'll eventually find the door. Instead,

(57:58):
we have a vision and an direction. It also ensures
that we're living with purpose instead of being driven by
unquestioned impulses or unexamined emotions. That we're not living life
on autopilot or playing follow the leader. Why is an
opportunity to check in with yourself to make sure that

(58:21):
your actions align with your values and your priorities. Here's
a simple, yet profound exercise today. At each decision point
you encounter, as you contemplate your choice, pause and ask
yourself why. Okay, it doesn't have to be every decision

(58:44):
considering how many we actually make in a day, but
try to do it for a few hours. Why am
I having cereal for breakfast? Why am I opting to
wear this shirt? Why am I stopping to buy a
coffee on my way to work? And why did I
choose this coffee shop? Remember answers like because it's cool

(59:07):
or because I always do? We'll get the mister buckrage buzzer.
Challenge yourself to go deeper. You might be surprised at
what you discover and how being more thoughtful and deliberate
impacts your life. I know it may seem like a
little thing, but asking yourself why gives you back the

(59:30):
controls so you can fly with direction and intention. And
with that in mind, let's practice our intentionality as we
turn to our meditation. First, yet comfortable wherever you are,
and be purposeful about what that means for you in

(59:51):
this moment. During this practice, you shouldn't do anything just
because it's what you usually do. Instead, be very deliberate,
so eyes open or closed and consider why you're making

(01:00:15):
that choice. Tune into your breath here and you can
keep flowing along with your natural rhythm or mindfully breathe
a little deeper. Feel free to hold your attention on

(01:00:45):
your breath or consciously shift your awareness somewhere else, like
a sensation in your body or a sound in the environment. Now,

(01:01:05):
take a moment to think about your day so far.
Why are you where you are right now? Why are
you listening to the Daily Jay? Why are you listening

(01:01:29):
at this time of day, in this place? And now
let's open this up. How often do you do things
with clarity of purpose and intention? And how often would
you say you're an autopilot as you moved through life?

(01:01:56):
When and where could you ask yourself why? How could
this transform your life for the better? Personally? My wife
for the Daily Jay is very clear. I'm incredibly motivated

(01:02:18):
to help others live their most mindful lives. I hope
mister Buckerrage would be proud. Thanks for being here, and
I'll see you tomorrow.

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Episode Transcript

Host

Jay Shetty

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