Relationships often start with a spark, but how do you keep that spark alive without getting burnt?
It's a common question that many couples face as they navigate the complexities of maintaining a healthy and deep relationship.
Today, we will look deep into seeing the differences between a toxic and a healthy relationship and uncover the ways to build a lasting one. Every relationship is different - but understanding these four different toxic traits that are common in relationships will help you move away from something that is not serving you.
Moving to a healthy relationship when you’re coming from a toxic one is difficult but finding the courage to do so is a crucial step towards your emotional well-being and personal growth.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to prioritize healthy love over perfection
How to embrace each other’s unique identities
How to avoid over-reliance and codependence
How to practice transparent communication
Hope that this guides you through a more healthy and happy relationship!
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
02:32 What is the real definition of healthy vs. unhealthy love?
03:56 Toxic Trait #1: Over-reliance on one person - Do you go to your partner for everything that you need?
11:41 Toxic Trait #2: The idea of trying to change someone - We try to change our partners to be like us but have we ever thought about letting them be them and we be ourselves?
16:36 Toxic Trait #3: Playing games - Are you pursuing peace with your partner or are you pursuing power over your partner?
22:20 Toxic Trait #4: Losing your own identity - Don’t sacrifice your interests and independence for a relationship
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
At the start, we want someone who keeps us at
the edge of our seats. But long term, what we
really want is someone that we can get cozy with
on the couch. Right. It's so interesting, Right, Well, you
want in a relationship is netflix and chill. You want
to be able to hang back, be lazy, be cozy
on the couch. But you're setting your relationship up to
be always nail biting at the edge of the sea.
(00:20):
But that isn't what you're trying to build. That isn't
what you're trying to grow. Hey, everyone, welcome back to
On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
Thanks to each and every one of you that come
back every week to listen, learn and grow. Thank you
(00:41):
so much to everyone who's subscribing, who's leaving reviews. It's
making a huge difference to new listeners finding us, connecting
with us, and it means the world to me that
you're taking time to do that. Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot express my
gratitude enough. I want to dive into today's topic because
the amount of friends I've had in the last couple
(01:04):
of weeks, couple of months that have been talking to
me about the challenges they've had in relationships, a lot
of toxic behavior, unhealthy traits and characteristics. And I'm sure,
as you're listening right now, if you haven't been through this,
you have a friend who's going to need to listen
to this. And I hope that you'll pass this one
on because so many of us are suffering for longer
(01:28):
than we need to. So many of us are making
choices that are not great for us, or are struggling
to make a choice that would actually help us. And
often I find that people stay in toxic, difficult relationships
for longer than they need to. By the way, this
even applies to work. If you think about how long
(01:48):
someone takes to actually quit their job or move on
or ask for a promotion, it's usually six to twelve months,
longer than it actually needs to be. How many times
have you been in a relationship where you felt like leaving,
but you stayed for another six to twelve months, only
to feel the same way throughout that entire period. So,
(02:08):
whether this is about you finding the right person, a
genuine connection with an individual, or whether this is helping
you move away from something or someone that isn't serving you.
I really hope that it gives you the courage and
strength to make the decisions that you need in order
(02:28):
to move towards healthy love. Now, I want to talk
about this term healthy love because I think for a
long time we talked about the one, we talked about
the right person, we talk about the wrong person, we
talk about you know, your soulmate. And I like the
word healthy love because it makes us believe that it's positive,
(02:52):
it's good. But when we know that there's healthy love,
we also accept that there may be parts of it
that are unhealthy. Right, if you have a healthy diet,
you know that's because you're choosing the things that are
good for you, which is the same with healthy love.
It's about choosing the habits, the traits, the personality type
(03:14):
that is good for you in a relationship. That doesn't
mean there are not unhealthy parts to it. That doesn't
mean there are not uncomfortable parts to it. And so
I like to move away from this idea of the
perfect one or the one or the soul may or
you know, the right person, because that kind of makes
us believe that there's this ready made person off the shelf,
(03:37):
almost like a ken doll. Or a Barbie doll that
is perfect as it is in its casing, whereas healthy
love means oh, I have to make choices, we have
to make decisions, we have to actually create healthy habits
in order to have a healthy relationship. So today I
(03:57):
want to talk about the differences and how to actually
develop them and build them and grow them. And I
want to start off by talking about the toxic trait
of over reliance on one person for everything. That the
one person is the only person you go to for
(04:19):
all your needs. So that works in one of two ways.
Either you're the person that your partner goes to for
all of their needs, or you're the person who goes
to your partner for all of your needs. And I
found that this has been one of the most challenging
things in a relationship. Now, if your partner comes to
(04:43):
you for all of their needs, often that can actually
be quite fun in the beginning, because you start to
feel powerful, you start to feel needed, you start to
feel useful. And who doesn't want to feel useful? Who
doesn't want to feel like they have all the the answers?
We all enjoyed that idea that our partner is dependent
(05:05):
on us in the beginning because it feels like we
have something to offer. It boosts our self esteem, it
gives us an ego boost, and it gives us a
sense of power and control. And so what's really interesting
is that we do it for the first month, we
may even do it for the first couple of months,
and then afterwards our energy starts to drain and we think,
wait a minute, this person is just relying on me
(05:26):
to carry them. We're just being completely relied on to
carry the relationship. And then we may push back, we
may have an honest conversation, and now the other person
is feeling wait a minute, but I showed you that
from the beginning, and you gave me the space, and
now you're taking it away. It almost feels like you're
(05:46):
hijacking what you first offered to this individual, and that
person now is feeling hard done by. You're now upset
because you feel like you've been used and everything falls
on you. And then now upset because they said, well,
wait a minute, you did it at the start. Why
are you not doing it right now? How many of
you have ever been in this position before. I'm guessing
(06:07):
there's a fair few of you. Now, what do you
do in that situation. In that situation, if you're already
there and you're like, well, Jay, I wish I knew
that before I started setting a precedence, started setting a standard.
If you've already set the standards, it's about setting a
new standard. And this is a great relationship tool. I
(06:28):
think one of the things that we don't do enough
in relationships, whether we're dating, whether you're committed, whether you're married,
whatever it may be, in a long term relationship is
resetting agreements, resetting standards, and redefining where you're at and
how you work on things. I think we often go to, well,
(06:48):
we've always done it that way. It's been like that
since we started dating. You've been the same person. I'm
the same person. We say things like that, not realizing
that there's always growth going on and there's a need
to re establish boundaries, re establish agreements, and this is
a great opportunity to do that. Now. If you're in
a position where you are the one who takes all
(07:12):
your problems to them, maybe you're the one who has
struggled with finding people in your life to help you grow,
and now when you've found this person, you're saying to yourself.
I'm just going to go to them for everything. Oh
my gosh, they're so smart, Oh my gosh, they're so strong,
Oh my gosh, they're so self aware. And all of
a sudden, you get so consumed and wrapped up in
(07:34):
this person that they become your be all and end all.
Maybe you're in that position right now. If you are
in that position, here's what I want you to think about.
I want you to take a moment to just close
your eyes for a second. Of course, if you're driving,
do not do this. If you're cooking, do not do this.
Take a moment to do it afterwards. And if you
can't close your eyes, you can do this with your
(07:54):
eyes open. But here's what I want you to do.
Take a moment to think of who's the first person
who comes to your mind when you think of the
most caring person in the world towards you, Someone who
cares about you the most. They're nurturing, they have that supportive,
(08:18):
compassionate disposition towards you. They'll only care about your health
and well being. Who's the first person that comes to
your mind, the person that cares about you the most.
Chances are it isn't even the person that you're with.
(08:40):
That's not a bad thing. Often people think, well, my
partner should be that person. They might not be. There
may be someone who trumps them. There may be someone
who's done it for longer. Remember this person. Okay, second reflection,
who is the most consistent person in your life? Someone
(09:01):
who's always been there for you, someone who's always been
by your side. Maybe they've lived life with you for
a long long time. They've been consistent. Maybe you went
to school together, maybe you grew up together. They're not
the most caring person in your life, but they are
the most consistent. They're always around when you need them.
(09:24):
And chances are that isn't your partner either. Now, think
about an area of your life. You may be struggling,
or you may have questions, And who's the most competent person.
Who's someone who you know is great at getting their
taxes done right their accounts. Who do you know who's
(09:45):
really great at fitness and health in your circle? Who
do you know that's really organized and focused and driven
towards their goals. It doesn't have to be your partner.
Your partner may be that, but who else comes to mind?
And finally, who's someone that comes in terms of high characters,
(10:08):
someone who's always living with the right morals and ethics,
someone that you go to for more spiritual inner guidance.
Someone in your life who carries them in a certain way.
These are the four types of people that create our
council for life, the caring one, the consistent one, the
(10:28):
competent one, and the one with character. There may have
been different faces that came to your mind for all
of them. Some of these people you may already know
and have a relationship with. Some of these people you
may have had one with before and you need to
re engage with. But it's so important, it's so needed
for us to develop a council around us instead of
(10:53):
depending on one person for everything. If we create an
over dependence on one person, we have to live with
feeling completely alone if and when they have a leave,
or if we feel like leaving them. So many of
us stay with people who are not good for us
(11:16):
because of how scared we'll feel or how bad will
feel being alone. So many of us stay with people
that are not good for us because we're scared of
how bad will feel if we're left alone. And the
only way to overcome that is to create this council
and to not lose it at any point in your relationship. Now,
(11:41):
another toxic trait that I want to discuss is this
idea of trying to change someone. I have always believed
that people don't change for people, They change for themselves. Right,
people don't change for you, They don't change for their ex.
(12:02):
They don't change for the next person. They don't change
for a family member. They change for themselves because they
feel a certain regret which may be inspired by a
family member. But I think what's really interesting is that
when we're trying to change someone, often we're trying to
change them to be like us. And I want you
to really sit there and reflect on this. Do you
(12:24):
really want to be with yourself? If we're organized, we
want our partners to be more organized. If we're spontaneous,
we want our partner to be more spontaneous. If we're
thoughtful about birthdays, we want our partner to be thoughtful
about birthdays. If we're always planning the weekend, we want
our partners to plan the weekends. We want our partners
to be us. But we have to really ask ourselves,
(12:46):
do we really truly want our partners to be us.
I'll give an example in my own life that's really
stood out to me. So I'm quite the organizer planner.
And when it comes to me and RADI, I realize
that if I make a plan for Saturday, rather will
happily go along. She'll be so positive about it, she'll
have a great time. She might be a little bit late,
(13:07):
she might have a few things that come up, but
she'll commit to my plan and she'll have a great time. Now,
if she made a plan, I may go along with it,
but I'll have my own thoughts about it. I will
question now say, oh, we should have done this first,
we could have done that. Now, that's my kind of
way of thinking, because I'm such an organizer planner. And
it's really interesting because I've realized how lucky I am
(13:30):
to be with someone who's always happy to go along
with my plans and is flexible, and and I've realized
that I need to be more that way. So it's
really interesting. We want our partners to be like us,
but actually, have we ever thought about needing to be
more like them or let them be them and we
be ourselves? Right? It's so interesting to me about how
(13:53):
we think, Oh, well, they're not ambitious enough. I'm so ambitious.
It's really interesting. Do you really want to date yourself?
That's the question I wanted to answer. Do you really
really truly believe you'd be happy if you were with
someone who is exactly like you? Because I know I
wouldn't be I don't want to date someone like me.
And it's really amazing how much time we waste trying
(14:16):
to mold someone into a version of ourselves. Now, let's
say someone's trying to change you. We all know what
that feels like. It's really interesting. We often try and
change other people, but when people try and change us,
we know exactly how it feels and how we would
never want to feel that way. And I think what's
(14:36):
really important about this is being clear about our desires
upfront and making sure that the person you're starting to like,
or you're dating, or you're connecting with is open with
you about what they truly want. Now, I'm not talking
about talking about how many kids you want on the
first day. I'm talking about really being clear and aware
(14:57):
of what someone's priorities are, rather than thinking about what
their potential is. Right, focus on someone's priorities, not their potential.
Is their priority to get the next job? Is their priority?
To be busy on the weekend because they're ambitious and driven?
Is their priority? You? Is their priority? Their family? What
is their priority? This is not about what their goals are.
(15:20):
Often we say, like, what are people's goals? And that's
an awkward question to ask someone, right like what are
your goals for this quarter? What are your goals for
the next quarter? What are your goals for the next
five years? I know so many people who hate that
interview question. But you can tell by someone's priorities what
their goals are, what is their calendar full of how
do they make choices and decisions on the weekends and evenings,
(15:43):
and recognize that that also comes with a choice. If
someone's prioritizing you, of course they can't prioritize their work.
If that person's driven and ambitious, they may have less
time for you. If that's what you're saying you want.
I think it's such an important thing to be clear
with other people about your priorities when you first meet them,
and observe their priorities too. Observe the language they use,
(16:07):
the vocabulary they use, and how they make choices about
their priorities, especially when it comes down to like making
a really clear choice between two things or an unclear
choice between two things. Watch what they pick. And I
think so many of us, you know, I had to think,
oh yeah, but they'll change that, Oh yeah, they'll come around,
Oh yeah, it's not really important to them. And then
(16:29):
later on we're thinking, Wow, I can't believe that they
were always like that. It was always that way. Now.
The third toxic trait I wanted to discuss with you
all was playing games. If someone's playing power games with you,
if someone's playing interest games with you, if someone's playing
(16:51):
games with you by being hot and cold all the time,
or if you're doing that with someone, notice and know
that that's last every time things get tough, that's what
you're gonna revert to, because that's become your method of
dealing with conflict. People don't just play games. Playing games
becomes people's way of gaining power and what they do
(17:13):
when they lose power. And if that's the game you've
already started to play, then that's the game you will
continue to play. I think people don't realize how relationships
really get set in stone very early on the rules
of a relationship get set in stone very very early on,
just by behavior, not even by what you say, and
(17:33):
then that becomes the status quo and how that relationship
operates for a long long time after. So I want
you to notice, is the person hot and cold? Is
the person playing games? And at the start feels exciting
because you get that burst of nervousness and anxiety, and
then you get the security and safety and that kind
(17:53):
of like swinging from safety to insecurity, from stability to
excitement and nerve. Like that's exciting, That is really really enthralling.
In the beginning, we think we're at the edge of
our seats at the start. We want someone who keeps
us at the edge of our seats. The long term,
(18:14):
what we really want is someone that we can get
cozy with on the couch. Right. It's so interesting, Right,
that's what you really want. What you want in a
relationship is Netflix and chill. You want to be able
to hang back, be lazy, be cozy on the couch.
But you're setting your relationship up to be always nail
biting at the edge of the sea. But that isn't
what you're trying to build. That isn't what you're trying
(18:35):
to grow. So what you really want to do is
establish playing as a team. You want to establish someone
who says we and us, not you and me. You
want to establish a feeling of we're solving this together,
we're going through this together, we're figuring this out together,
where we're understanding this together, not oh yeah i'm feeling
(19:00):
it today, Oh yeah, you're doing this right. Like that
kind of language automatically lets you understand where you stand.
One of the most interesting things or a method of
playing games which people are even unaware of, is when
someone tells you how you should feel. Someone says to you, oh,
you are really into me, you just don't know it yet,
(19:20):
or someone says to you something like, oh, yeah, you know,
if you decide to move on, or if you decide
to not pursue this, you're going to regret it later.
Someone's telling you how to feel, that's a toxic trait.
If someone is telling you how to behave with them,
that's a toxic trait. If someone's telling you I don't
(19:42):
think you understand how you're feeling right now, this is
how you're feeling, that's unhealthy. A healthy relationship is where
someone asks you, how are you feeling. An unhealthy relationship
is where someone tells you how you're feeling. No, it's
the difference. It's very subtle, right. An untoxic relationship is
(20:04):
where someone says to you, how are you feeling today.
A toxic relationship is where someone says to you, this
is how you're feeling. And in the beginning it can
be really comforting. You can feel like, Wow, this person
really understands me, like they really know me. But if
they're telling you, look, this is how you really feel,
You're not really tired. Come on out anyway, You're not
(20:25):
really this, Come on out anyway. Now. I'm not saying
you break up with someone over this, but you've got
to start to be observant of what you're sayting. Now.
I'm not saying to even turn this into an argument.
You could just say to someone, hey, I know how
I feel. I'm just telling you how I feel. I
just want to let you know that. And that may
be totally fine, because that person may be used to
trying to read between the lines or trying to prove
their worth that way as well. You've got to understand
(20:47):
that the traits people demonstrate in relationships are all based
on our own past trauma, our own past experiences, our
own past emotion, like it's not coming from nowhere. And
so it's almost like you've got two sets of trauma,
you've got two sets of experience having a UFC fight, right,
(21:11):
instead of both people trying to make peace. And I
think that's what's really interesting is that relationships are often
chasing pleasure, and in chasing pleasure, they become about power.
But really what relationships, healthy relationships are about pursuing peace? Right,
An unhealthy relationship chases power, a healthy relationship chases peace.
(21:36):
Are you pursuing peace with your partner or are you
pursuing power over your partner? That's the question. Are you
pursuing peace with your partner or are you chasing power
over your partner? Or is your partner chasing power over you?
It's about pursuing peace together. Piece is a really underrated value.
(21:59):
I'm telling you right now. Was so addicted to pleasure,
were so addicted to that dopamine, were so addicted to
that temporary relief and that pursuit of that ephemeral momentary bliss,
that we miss out on this deep search for a
feeling of peace and groundedness. The next rait I wanted
(22:22):
to talk about was unhealthy way is when you lose
your own identity with the other person as opposed to
discovering your identity through the other person. So a lot
of the time we become so intoxicated in a relationship
(22:44):
that we lose ourselves in the relationship. And what I
mean by that is our identity becomes one of just
being together. Forgetting that, you have an identity separate, you
have friendship separate, you have interests that are separate. Right,
Your identity comes with individuals, It comes with interests, and
it comes with independence. And when that interest turns into
(23:09):
only joint interests, when that individuals turns into only friends
that you both get along with, and when that independence
turns into codependence, that's where a lot of our challenges
come in relationships. So I want to ask you right now,
who are the individuals, what are the interests? And what
is the independence that you don't want to lose in
(23:31):
a relationship that you don't want to sacrifice And by
the way, no one's making you sacrifice it. We voluntarily
give it up and then we get upset and blame
it on the other person. We get wrapped up in
a relationship, and I want you to encourage your partner
to do the same again. At the beginning of a relationship,
it can feel really exciting when the person says, Oh,
I'm not going to see my friends, I just want
(23:51):
to see you. I'm not going to see my family.
I just want to see you. Oh, I don't care
about blameing pickupball tonight, I'm just going to see you.
That all sounds and feels amazing someone you is number one,
which is important. But your role in the relationship as
that relationship develops. I'm not saying say no to that,
but as it develops, remind the other person to not
(24:11):
give up the individuals, the interests, and the independence that
they had before in ways that are healthy for them. Right,
If it's healthy for them to see their friends that
they work out with, if it's healthy for them to
continue certain interests that they're passionate about, encourage them. Remind
them of that, don't force them, don't push them towards it,
but don't forget to remind them towards who they were
(24:33):
before they met you. Now, one thing that happens a
lot in relationships is that we point out other people's
mistakes or they point out ours. And what's really interesting
is we feel worried about pointing out other people's strengths,
and people often worry about pointing out ours, so we
focus on the mistakes rather than holding up a mirror
(24:56):
so the other person can reflect for themselves. So if
you have two people in a relationship, we're both reflecting
on their own behavior because they see how it impacts
the other person. And that's where we're trying to get to.
It's really hard. This is a hard one because both
people have to be reflective. But if you start a
relationship and say, hey, if we're both reflective, we don't
(25:16):
have to point out each other's mistakes. We'll automatically know
what they are. This is the age old one, expecting
someone to know what you want. I can't believe I
still have to say this one, but I really see
it all the time. We think love is they already knew,
they finished my sentence, they know what I'm thinking, They
knew what I wanted for my birthday. They get me.
(25:36):
Our definition of love, our feeling of love is if
we think someone gets us, and to get to that,
we need to help them get us by communicating it.
It's so obvious, but being able to say something like yesterday, man,
rather it was a rainy, rainy day this week in
LA And I hope if anyone was affected, I'm sending
(25:59):
you lots of I hope it wasn't too bad for
those of you who may have been in California. But
it was just really interesting. I was saying to rightly.
I was like, this is what I want to do.
She was saying, well, she wanted to do. And it's just
like communicating rather than like, oh, you should have known
what I wanted to eat today, or you should have
known what I wanted to do today, because we've been
together for ten years. And I think that's what's so
(26:19):
interesting is that the longer it gets, we think more
and more that it should be that way, so we
rely more on mind reading and then rely less on
communication when communication is what is going to make the difference.
I hope that these have helped you today. I hope
that this guides you in your relationship and your connection.
(26:41):
I'm so grateful that you trusted me to spend this
time with me. I hope that you'll pass this episode
on to someone else and again Thank you so much
for being a part of the on Purpose community. It
means the world to me and I can't wait for
you to keep listening. Thank you did. She was
At the start, we want someone who keeps us at
the edge of our seats. But long term, what we
really want is someone that we can get cozy with
on the couch. Right. It's so interesting, Right, Well, you
want in a relationship is netflix and chill. You want
to be able to hang back, be lazy, be cozy
on the couch. But you're setting your relationship up to
be always nail biting at the edge of the sea.
(00:20):
But that isn't what you're trying to build. That isn't
what you're trying to grow. Hey, everyone, welcome back to
On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
Thanks to each and every one of you that come
back every week to listen, learn and grow. Thank you
(00:41):
so much to everyone who's subscribing, who's leaving reviews. It's
making a huge difference to new listeners finding us, connecting
with us, and it means the world to me that
you're taking time to do that. Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot express my
gratitude enough. I want to dive into today's topic because
the amount of friends I've had in the last couple
(01:04):
of weeks, couple of months that have been talking to
me about the challenges they've had in relationships, a lot
of toxic behavior, unhealthy traits and characteristics. And I'm sure,
as you're listening right now, if you haven't been through this,
you have a friend who's going to need to listen
to this. And I hope that you'll pass this one
on because so many of us are suffering for longer
(01:28):
than we need to. So many of us are making
choices that are not great for us, or are struggling
to make a choice that would actually help us. And
often I find that people stay in toxic, difficult relationships
for longer than they need to. By the way, this
even applies to work. If you think about how long
(01:48):
someone takes to actually quit their job or move on
or ask for a promotion, it's usually six to twelve months,
longer than it actually needs to be. How many times
have you been in a relationship where you felt like leaving,
but you stayed for another six to twelve months, only
to feel the same way throughout that entire period. So,
(02:08):
whether this is about you finding the right person, a
genuine connection with an individual, or whether this is helping
you move away from something or someone that isn't serving you.
I really hope that it gives you the courage and
strength to make the decisions that you need in order
(02:28):
to move towards healthy love. Now, I want to talk
about this term healthy love because I think for a
long time we talked about the one, we talked about
the right person, we talk about the wrong person, we
talk about you know, your soulmate. And I like the
word healthy love because it makes us believe that it's positive,
(02:52):
it's good. But when we know that there's healthy love,
we also accept that there may be parts of it
that are unhealthy. Right, if you have a healthy diet,
you know that's because you're choosing the things that are
good for you, which is the same with healthy love.
It's about choosing the habits, the traits, the personality type
(03:14):
that is good for you in a relationship. That doesn't
mean there are not unhealthy parts to it. That doesn't
mean there are not uncomfortable parts to it. And so
I like to move away from this idea of the
perfect one or the one or the soul may or
you know, the right person, because that kind of makes
us believe that there's this ready made person off the shelf,
(03:37):
almost like a ken doll. Or a Barbie doll that
is perfect as it is in its casing, whereas healthy
love means oh, I have to make choices, we have
to make decisions, we have to actually create healthy habits
in order to have a healthy relationship. So today I
(03:57):
want to talk about the differences and how to actually
develop them and build them and grow them. And I
want to start off by talking about the toxic trait
of over reliance on one person for everything. That the
one person is the only person you go to for
(04:19):
all your needs. So that works in one of two ways.
Either you're the person that your partner goes to for
all of their needs, or you're the person who goes
to your partner for all of your needs. And I
found that this has been one of the most challenging
things in a relationship. Now, if your partner comes to
(04:43):
you for all of their needs, often that can actually
be quite fun in the beginning, because you start to
feel powerful, you start to feel needed, you start to
feel useful. And who doesn't want to feel useful? Who
doesn't want to feel like they have all the the answers?
We all enjoyed that idea that our partner is dependent
(05:05):
on us in the beginning because it feels like we
have something to offer. It boosts our self esteem, it
gives us an ego boost, and it gives us a
sense of power and control. And so what's really interesting
is that we do it for the first month, we
may even do it for the first couple of months,
and then afterwards our energy starts to drain and we think,
wait a minute, this person is just relying on me
(05:26):
to carry them. We're just being completely relied on to
carry the relationship. And then we may push back, we
may have an honest conversation, and now the other person
is feeling wait a minute, but I showed you that
from the beginning, and you gave me the space, and
now you're taking it away. It almost feels like you're
(05:46):
hijacking what you first offered to this individual, and that
person now is feeling hard done by. You're now upset
because you feel like you've been used and everything falls
on you. And then now upset because they said, well,
wait a minute, you did it at the start. Why
are you not doing it right now? How many of
you have ever been in this position before. I'm guessing
(06:07):
there's a fair few of you. Now, what do you
do in that situation. In that situation, if you're already
there and you're like, well, Jay, I wish I knew
that before I started setting a precedence, started setting a standard.
If you've already set the standards, it's about setting a
new standard. And this is a great relationship tool. I
(06:28):
think one of the things that we don't do enough
in relationships, whether we're dating, whether you're committed, whether you're married,
whatever it may be, in a long term relationship is
resetting agreements, resetting standards, and redefining where you're at and
how you work on things. I think we often go to, well,
(06:48):
we've always done it that way. It's been like that
since we started dating. You've been the same person. I'm
the same person. We say things like that, not realizing
that there's always growth going on and there's a need
to re establish boundaries, re establish agreements, and this is
a great opportunity to do that. Now. If you're in
a position where you are the one who takes all
(07:12):
your problems to them, maybe you're the one who has
struggled with finding people in your life to help you grow,
and now when you've found this person, you're saying to yourself.
I'm just going to go to them for everything. Oh
my gosh, they're so smart, Oh my gosh, they're so strong,
Oh my gosh, they're so self aware. And all of
a sudden, you get so consumed and wrapped up in
(07:34):
this person that they become your be all and end all.
Maybe you're in that position right now. If you are
in that position, here's what I want you to think about.
I want you to take a moment to just close
your eyes for a second. Of course, if you're driving,
do not do this. If you're cooking, do not do this.
Take a moment to do it afterwards. And if you
can't close your eyes, you can do this with your
(07:54):
eyes open. But here's what I want you to do.
Take a moment to think of who's the first person
who comes to your mind when you think of the
most caring person in the world towards you, Someone who
cares about you the most. They're nurturing, they have that supportive,
(08:18):
compassionate disposition towards you. They'll only care about your health
and well being. Who's the first person that comes to
your mind, the person that cares about you the most.
Chances are it isn't even the person that you're with.
(08:40):
That's not a bad thing. Often people think, well, my
partner should be that person. They might not be. There
may be someone who trumps them. There may be someone
who's done it for longer. Remember this person. Okay, second reflection,
who is the most consistent person in your life? Someone
(09:01):
who's always been there for you, someone who's always been
by your side. Maybe they've lived life with you for
a long long time. They've been consistent. Maybe you went
to school together, maybe you grew up together. They're not
the most caring person in your life, but they are
the most consistent. They're always around when you need them.
(09:24):
And chances are that isn't your partner either. Now, think
about an area of your life. You may be struggling,
or you may have questions, And who's the most competent person.
Who's someone who you know is great at getting their
taxes done right their accounts. Who do you know who's
(09:45):
really great at fitness and health in your circle? Who
do you know that's really organized and focused and driven
towards their goals. It doesn't have to be your partner.
Your partner may be that, but who else comes to mind?
And finally, who's someone that comes in terms of high characters,
(10:08):
someone who's always living with the right morals and ethics,
someone that you go to for more spiritual inner guidance.
Someone in your life who carries them in a certain way.
These are the four types of people that create our
council for life, the caring one, the consistent one, the
(10:28):
competent one, and the one with character. There may have
been different faces that came to your mind for all
of them. Some of these people you may already know
and have a relationship with. Some of these people you
may have had one with before and you need to
re engage with. But it's so important, it's so needed
for us to develop a council around us instead of
(10:53):
depending on one person for everything. If we create an
over dependence on one person, we have to live with
feeling completely alone if and when they have a leave,
or if we feel like leaving them. So many of
us stay with people who are not good for us
(11:16):
because of how scared we'll feel or how bad will
feel being alone. So many of us stay with people
that are not good for us because we're scared of
how bad will feel if we're left alone. And the
only way to overcome that is to create this council
and to not lose it at any point in your relationship. Now,
(11:41):
another toxic trait that I want to discuss is this
idea of trying to change someone. I have always believed
that people don't change for people, They change for themselves. Right,
people don't change for you, They don't change for their ex.
(12:02):
They don't change for the next person. They don't change
for a family member. They change for themselves because they
feel a certain regret which may be inspired by a
family member. But I think what's really interesting is that
when we're trying to change someone, often we're trying to
change them to be like us. And I want you
to really sit there and reflect on this. Do you
(12:24):
really want to be with yourself? If we're organized, we
want our partners to be more organized. If we're spontaneous,
we want our partner to be more spontaneous. If we're
thoughtful about birthdays, we want our partner to be thoughtful
about birthdays. If we're always planning the weekend, we want
our partners to plan the weekends. We want our partners
to be us. But we have to really ask ourselves,
(12:46):
do we really truly want our partners to be us.
I'll give an example in my own life that's really
stood out to me. So I'm quite the organizer planner.
And when it comes to me and RADI, I realize
that if I make a plan for Saturday, rather will
happily go along. She'll be so positive about it, she'll
have a great time. She might be a little bit late,
(13:07):
she might have a few things that come up, but
she'll commit to my plan and she'll have a great time. Now,
if she made a plan, I may go along with it,
but I'll have my own thoughts about it. I will
question now say, oh, we should have done this first,
we could have done that. Now, that's my kind of
way of thinking, because I'm such an organizer planner. And
it's really interesting because I've realized how lucky I am
(13:30):
to be with someone who's always happy to go along
with my plans and is flexible, and and I've realized
that I need to be more that way. So it's
really interesting. We want our partners to be like us,
but actually, have we ever thought about needing to be
more like them or let them be them and we
be ourselves? Right? It's so interesting to me about how
(13:53):
we think, Oh, well, they're not ambitious enough. I'm so ambitious.
It's really interesting. Do you really want to date yourself?
That's the question I wanted to answer. Do you really
really truly believe you'd be happy if you were with
someone who is exactly like you? Because I know I
wouldn't be I don't want to date someone like me.
And it's really amazing how much time we waste trying
(14:16):
to mold someone into a version of ourselves. Now, let's
say someone's trying to change you. We all know what
that feels like. It's really interesting. We often try and
change other people, but when people try and change us,
we know exactly how it feels and how we would
never want to feel that way. And I think what's
(14:36):
really important about this is being clear about our desires
upfront and making sure that the person you're starting to like,
or you're dating, or you're connecting with is open with
you about what they truly want. Now, I'm not talking
about talking about how many kids you want on the
first day. I'm talking about really being clear and aware
(14:57):
of what someone's priorities are, rather than thinking about what
their potential is. Right, focus on someone's priorities, not their potential.
Is their priority to get the next job? Is their priority?
To be busy on the weekend because they're ambitious and driven?
Is their priority? You? Is their priority? Their family? What
is their priority? This is not about what their goals are.
(15:20):
Often we say, like, what are people's goals? And that's
an awkward question to ask someone, right like what are
your goals for this quarter? What are your goals for
the next quarter? What are your goals for the next
five years? I know so many people who hate that
interview question. But you can tell by someone's priorities what
their goals are, what is their calendar full of how
do they make choices and decisions on the weekends and evenings,
(15:43):
and recognize that that also comes with a choice. If
someone's prioritizing you, of course they can't prioritize their work.
If that person's driven and ambitious, they may have less
time for you. If that's what you're saying you want.
I think it's such an important thing to be clear
with other people about your priorities when you first meet them,
and observe their priorities too. Observe the language they use,
(16:07):
the vocabulary they use, and how they make choices about
their priorities, especially when it comes down to like making
a really clear choice between two things or an unclear
choice between two things. Watch what they pick. And I
think so many of us, you know, I had to think,
oh yeah, but they'll change that, Oh yeah, they'll come around,
Oh yeah, it's not really important to them. And then
(16:29):
later on we're thinking, Wow, I can't believe that they
were always like that. It was always that way. Now.
The third toxic trait I wanted to discuss with you
all was playing games. If someone's playing power games with you,
if someone's playing interest games with you, if someone's playing
(16:51):
games with you by being hot and cold all the time,
or if you're doing that with someone, notice and know
that that's last every time things get tough, that's what
you're gonna revert to, because that's become your method of
dealing with conflict. People don't just play games. Playing games
becomes people's way of gaining power and what they do
(17:13):
when they lose power. And if that's the game you've
already started to play, then that's the game you will
continue to play. I think people don't realize how relationships
really get set in stone very early on the rules
of a relationship get set in stone very very early on,
just by behavior, not even by what you say, and
(17:33):
then that becomes the status quo and how that relationship
operates for a long long time after. So I want
you to notice, is the person hot and cold? Is
the person playing games? And at the start feels exciting
because you get that burst of nervousness and anxiety, and
then you get the security and safety and that kind
(17:53):
of like swinging from safety to insecurity, from stability to
excitement and nerve. Like that's exciting, That is really really enthralling.
In the beginning, we think we're at the edge of
our seats at the start. We want someone who keeps
us at the edge of our seats. The long term,
(18:14):
what we really want is someone that we can get
cozy with on the couch. Right. It's so interesting, Right,
that's what you really want. What you want in a
relationship is Netflix and chill. You want to be able
to hang back, be lazy, be cozy on the couch.
But you're setting your relationship up to be always nail
biting at the edge of the sea. But that isn't
what you're trying to build. That isn't what you're trying
(18:35):
to grow. So what you really want to do is
establish playing as a team. You want to establish someone
who says we and us, not you and me. You
want to establish a feeling of we're solving this together,
we're going through this together, we're figuring this out together,
where we're understanding this together, not oh yeah i'm feeling
(19:00):
it today, Oh yeah, you're doing this right. Like that
kind of language automatically lets you understand where you stand.
One of the most interesting things or a method of
playing games which people are even unaware of, is when
someone tells you how you should feel. Someone says to you, oh,
you are really into me, you just don't know it yet,
(19:20):
or someone says to you something like, oh, yeah, you know,
if you decide to move on, or if you decide
to not pursue this, you're going to regret it later.
Someone's telling you how to feel, that's a toxic trait.
If someone is telling you how to behave with them,
that's a toxic trait. If someone's telling you I don't
(19:42):
think you understand how you're feeling right now, this is
how you're feeling, that's unhealthy. A healthy relationship is where
someone asks you, how are you feeling. An unhealthy relationship
is where someone tells you how you're feeling. No, it's
the difference. It's very subtle, right. An untoxic relationship is
(20:04):
where someone says to you, how are you feeling today.
A toxic relationship is where someone says to you, this
is how you're feeling. And in the beginning it can
be really comforting. You can feel like, Wow, this person
really understands me, like they really know me. But if
they're telling you, look, this is how you really feel,
You're not really tired. Come on out anyway, You're not
(20:25):
really this, Come on out anyway. Now. I'm not saying
you break up with someone over this, but you've got
to start to be observant of what you're sayting. Now.
I'm not saying to even turn this into an argument.
You could just say to someone, hey, I know how
I feel. I'm just telling you how I feel. I
just want to let you know that. And that may
be totally fine, because that person may be used to
trying to read between the lines or trying to prove
their worth that way as well. You've got to understand
(20:47):
that the traits people demonstrate in relationships are all based
on our own past trauma, our own past experiences, our
own past emotion, like it's not coming from nowhere. And
so it's almost like you've got two sets of trauma,
you've got two sets of experience having a UFC fight, right,
(21:11):
instead of both people trying to make peace. And I
think that's what's really interesting is that relationships are often
chasing pleasure, and in chasing pleasure, they become about power.
But really what relationships, healthy relationships are about pursuing peace? Right,
An unhealthy relationship chases power, a healthy relationship chases peace.
(21:36):
Are you pursuing peace with your partner or are you
pursuing power over your partner? That's the question. Are you
pursuing peace with your partner or are you chasing power
over your partner? Or is your partner chasing power over you?
It's about pursuing peace together. Piece is a really underrated value.
(21:59):
I'm telling you right now. Was so addicted to pleasure,
were so addicted to that dopamine, were so addicted to
that temporary relief and that pursuit of that ephemeral momentary bliss,
that we miss out on this deep search for a
feeling of peace and groundedness. The next rait I wanted
(22:22):
to talk about was unhealthy way is when you lose
your own identity with the other person as opposed to
discovering your identity through the other person. So a lot
of the time we become so intoxicated in a relationship
(22:44):
that we lose ourselves in the relationship. And what I
mean by that is our identity becomes one of just
being together. Forgetting that, you have an identity separate, you
have friendship separate, you have interests that are separate. Right,
Your identity comes with individuals, It comes with interests, and
it comes with independence. And when that interest turns into
(23:09):
only joint interests, when that individuals turns into only friends
that you both get along with, and when that independence
turns into codependence, that's where a lot of our challenges
come in relationships. So I want to ask you right now,
who are the individuals, what are the interests? And what
is the independence that you don't want to lose in
(23:31):
a relationship that you don't want to sacrifice And by
the way, no one's making you sacrifice it. We voluntarily
give it up and then we get upset and blame
it on the other person. We get wrapped up in
a relationship, and I want you to encourage your partner
to do the same again. At the beginning of a relationship,
it can feel really exciting when the person says, Oh,
I'm not going to see my friends, I just want
(23:51):
to see you. I'm not going to see my family.
I just want to see you. Oh, I don't care
about blameing pickupball tonight, I'm just going to see you.
That all sounds and feels amazing someone you is number one,
which is important. But your role in the relationship as
that relationship develops. I'm not saying say no to that,
but as it develops, remind the other person to not
(24:11):
give up the individuals, the interests, and the independence that
they had before in ways that are healthy for them. Right,
If it's healthy for them to see their friends that
they work out with, if it's healthy for them to
continue certain interests that they're passionate about, encourage them. Remind
them of that, don't force them, don't push them towards it,
but don't forget to remind them towards who they were
(24:33):
before they met you. Now, one thing that happens a
lot in relationships is that we point out other people's
mistakes or they point out ours. And what's really interesting
is we feel worried about pointing out other people's strengths,
and people often worry about pointing out ours, so we
focus on the mistakes rather than holding up a mirror
(24:56):
so the other person can reflect for themselves. So if
you have two people in a relationship, we're both reflecting
on their own behavior because they see how it impacts
the other person. And that's where we're trying to get to.
It's really hard. This is a hard one because both
people have to be reflective. But if you start a
relationship and say, hey, if we're both reflective, we don't
(25:16):
have to point out each other's mistakes. We'll automatically know
what they are. This is the age old one, expecting
someone to know what you want. I can't believe I
still have to say this one, but I really see
it all the time. We think love is they already knew,
they finished my sentence, they know what I'm thinking, They
knew what I wanted for my birthday. They get me.
(25:36):
Our definition of love, our feeling of love is if
we think someone gets us, and to get to that,
we need to help them get us by communicating it.
It's so obvious, but being able to say something like yesterday, man,
rather it was a rainy, rainy day this week in
LA And I hope if anyone was affected, I'm sending
(25:59):
you lots of I hope it wasn't too bad for
those of you who may have been in California. But
it was just really interesting. I was saying to rightly.
I was like, this is what I want to do.
She was saying, well, she wanted to do. And it's just
like communicating rather than like, oh, you should have known
what I wanted to eat today, or you should have
known what I wanted to do today, because we've been
together for ten years. And I think that's what's so
(26:19):
interesting is that the longer it gets, we think more
and more that it should be that way, so we
rely more on mind reading and then rely less on
communication when communication is what is going to make the difference.
I hope that these have helped you today. I hope
that this guides you in your relationship and your connection.
(26:41):
I'm so grateful that you trusted me to spend this
time with me. I hope that you'll pass this episode
on to someone else and again Thank you so much
for being a part of the on Purpose community. It
means the world to me and I can't wait for
you to keep listening. Thank you did. She was
Host
Jay Shetty
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