Do you find yourself thinking too much about other people’s opinions?
Is it starting to feel like it’s negatively affecting your life?
Today, Jay unveils the subtle yet pervasive signs that indicate a deep-seated concern for others' opinions and the telltale signs that you may be overly influenced by external validation, from struggling to assert boundaries to outsourcing your decision-making to others.
Jay Also talks about actionable tips and strategies for reclaiming your sense of self-worth and how to draw inspiration from those who have walked a similar path before you, cultivating resilience and self-assurance in the face of external judgment. Explore the transformative power of reframing your self-perception and embracing a mindset of self-acceptance, as Jay emphasizes the importance of clarity and self-awareness in navigating life's challenges.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to not crave external validation
How to stop people-pleasing
How to not get swayed by other people’s opinions
How to stand your ground
Gain practical tools for cultivating inner strength and confidence, from reframing negative self-talk to recognizing the inherent value of your own opinions and choices.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
02:11 Stop Caring About What People Think
04:10 Sign #1: You Get Easily Swayed
05:36 Sign #2: You Struggle to Say NO
06:18 Sign #3: We Often Want to Please Others
06:40 Sign #4: You Outsource Your Choices
09:22 Tip #1: Someone Has Been Through a Similar Experience Before You
17:00 Tip #2: Don’t Be Someone Who Gossips About Others
18:52 Tip #3: Be Clear About How You Feel About Yourself
21:06 Tip #4: Opinions Don’t Become Your Reality
22:19 Tip #5: Think of the Three Best Decisions You’ve Made in Your Life
24:20 Tip #6: People Are Not Thinking About As Much As You Think They Are
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which
is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you
that it's a primary focus of on Purpose, but on
a day to day basis, many people don't know where
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Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calmpremium at
Calm dot com Forward slash j that's Calm dot com
forward slash jay for forty percent off Calm your Mind,
Change your Life. There are people whose opinion matter in
specific areas of your life. There are very few people
(01:05):
whose opinions matter across the entirety of your life. And
I think that's the challenge. We often take people we
love and trust as their opinion matters across every area
of my life. The number one health and wellness podcast
Jay set Jay Shetty s, Hey everyone, welcome back to
on Purpose. I am so grateful that you're locked in
(01:29):
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Spotify on Apple leaving your reviews makes such a huge difference.
And I hope that you're going back into our back
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that you don't miss out. Subscribe, come back every Monday
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and Friday for new episodes, and of course, remember we
have five hundred episodes from the last five years that
you can go back to. If you're a new listener,
whether you've listened to one episode, welcome, whether you're listening
to your five hundred episode, welcome back. I am Jay
Sheddy and I'm so happy to be here with you today.
Today's theme is stop caring about what people think and
(02:17):
the signs that we care too much about what people think. Now.
The reason I dove into this topic is because I
think we've all had a situation with our friends where
someone sends a decision they're about to make to the
group chat and they say, what do you think I
should say on my dating profile? Or what do you
(02:38):
think about this guy that I'm dating? Or what do
you think about this job opportunity that's out there? Or
what do you think about what I should wear to
the party this weekend. Now, there's nothing wrong about that.
It's harmless, it's totally normal. It's natural for us to
seek validation from the people around us, to seek insight
from the people around us. But often what we find
(02:58):
is that we've gone down on a whole where we
make decisions, choices, and big directives in our life based
on what other people think. A lot of us when
we're young chose subjects at school based on what our
parents taught. We chose where we went to college, maybe
(03:19):
because of some friends. We maybe even chose what city
we live in because we were in a romantic relationship
until it didn't work out. And to so many of
our decisions, some of our biggest decisions in life are
made aligned with other people's values and not always with
our own values. And this episode is all about us
(03:40):
really getting clear on that it's not bad to make
a decision based on someone else's value if that value
aligns with us. It's not bad if we're conscious and aware,
but it's really important that we recognize it. So I
want to talk to you a bit about the signs
that we care too much about what other people think about,
because sometimes it can be so subtle. Right, it's not
(04:03):
always so obvious as you buy the same clothes or
go to the same places. It can be a lot
more subtle. One of the first ways or signs that
shows we care too much is that we can be
easily swayed. So we often take this as a feeling
of Oh, I'm laid back, I'm open to anything, I'll
(04:24):
do whatever you want. And really it's because we're scared
of sharing our opinion because we're scared that people may
not want to do that. Maybe it's deciding what movie
to watch or what restaurant to go to. You end
up at a horror movie even though you absolutely hate them,
and you end up eating a particular cuisine even though
it's your least favorite. You're easily swayed because there's a
(04:46):
part of you that doesn't want to be the one
to cause conflict. There's a part of you that doesn't
want to be the one to stand out. Now, you
may be easy going, You genuinely may not care, and
that's probable too. But for those of you that are thinking,
you know what I do get easily swayed. I do
find it easy to sacrifice and give up on what
(05:07):
I really care about and what I want. This is
an important note. Now. I'm not saying that the way
to do this is to fight for everything you want
or to retaliate, because often we've been giving people the permission.
Often we're not easily swayed because someone's persuading us or
negotiating with us. We're easily swayed because we allow ourselves
(05:30):
to be. So this is something that we can set
better boundaries around now. The second sign is you struggle
to turn things down. You struggle to say no. Right.
Someone says to you, oh, you're coming out tomorrow night, right,
And even though you had other plans, even though you
knew you didn't want to go, you said yeah, yeah,
(05:50):
I'll be there, And then the whole next twenty four
hours you're going. Why did I say yes? I just
want to stay indoors. I don't want to go anywhere.
But now you've said yes. You struggle with saying no.
You struggle with being clear because we care about what
people think. We're hoping that people don't think we're boring,
that people don't think that we're not a good time,
(06:12):
that people don't stop inviting us. Right, We're worried about
all of these things. Another sign is that we are
self proclaimed people pleases. We know that we're constantly trying
to shape shift. We're constantly trying to be malleable because
all we want to do is please others, not because
(06:33):
we genuinely want to please them by who we are,
but by actually disconnecting from who we are. Another one
is you outsource your choices. Right, So someone else is
making decision about what you wear, someone else is making
a decision about the color of your couch, someone else
is making a decision about something else. Right, you're basically saying, guys,
(06:56):
can you make the decision for me? Because I don't
want to make decisions. And in that way, we almost
do that because a part of us doesn't want to
take responsibility. We'd rather be able to say, oh yeah,
but they told me it was a good idea. I
thought it was a good idea, And again it comes
from a lack of trust in ourselves. Now, these are
all very normal things. This doesn't make you weak, it
(07:19):
doesn't make you not strong, it doesn't make you not bold,
it doesn't make you not a good person. These are
things that we all struggle with, and I still struggle
with too. Right. I remember a couple of weeks ago
when I'd already made plans and I had to say
no to someone and it broke my heart. I still
feel bad when I have to do that. But I
started looking into it, and a lot of science and
(07:41):
research suggests that we have to care what people think
in order to develop closeness. Right, we have to care
what people think in order to feel a sense of belonging.
That's what belonging is all about. And belonging is a
core tenet in life. We need it. Right. If you
feel a part of a team, you feel we all
support the same team, So I do care about what
(08:03):
you think. Right, If we're going to the same place
of worship or we go to the same community center,
we think to ourselves, yeah, I want to feel like
I fit in and the list goes on and on
and on, And the truth is, if we didn't care
about what people think, the world would be chaotic. Can
you imagine if everyone on planet Earth didn't care what
(08:27):
anyone thought. That would lead to chaos. If you've ever
played GTA, that's what it would be like, right where
there's no consequences, it doesn't matter. You can do whatever
you want. And I mean, yes, the cops will come
after you, but the reality is that you kind of
live in a way that it doesn't matter what you
do because it's not real. So imagine if we lived
(08:48):
in a world where everyone did exactly what they wanted.
Although it's a nice idea in theory, in practice it
could be extremely, extremely worrying. And so the part that
we have to understand is there are moments in our
life where it is healthy to listen to others, where
(09:10):
it is healthy to care about what other people think.
And I want to start with that. I want to
start with when should we care about what other people think.
One of the ways that I found it really useful
is if someone has been through an experience previously to you.
Think about a basic example, someone's been to a country
(09:32):
before you, someone has been to a concert before you.
I'm not saying that their experience will be your experience,
but their advice their insight may be useful if you
want to start a podcast, speaking to someone who started
a podcast and asking them, what are some of the
challenges you came up against, What are some of the
things you were surprised by. What are some of the
things that were easier than you thought. Being able to
(09:55):
talk to someone who's one year, three years, five years
into an experience allows you to understand something deeply. You
can care about what they think and notice there's a
difference between caring about what people think and what people
think of you. I think these two things are often convoluted, right.
(10:18):
It's like I can care about your opinion as your
opinion and still not make it my noise and my opinion.
And I think we don't understand how to filter and
how to create a distance between these two things that automatically,
when someone says something, we subconsciously make it our own.
(10:41):
And so I really want you to consider in your
life whenever you listen to people, and it's been really
powerful and useful. I can honestly say I had a
conversation with someone the other day, they say, shared so
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Drink Juni as a company and as a brand, we've
had to take advice from other beverage entrepreneurs who've done
it before us because we're complete novices, and at that
point it is important that I care about what they think. Right.
It's also important to care about what people think when
(11:23):
it's a group of people that you trust, a group
of people that you recognize have different things to offer you.
So there are four c's of connection. The first one
is care. There are some people that care about you,
so you care about what they think when it comes
to caring about you. If you want to know who
(11:45):
has your best interest at heart, this is the group
to go to. The second one is consistency. There are
certain people who are consistently there for you. They've always
been around, they'll always be around because they are just
in your life. Again, you care about what they think
about you in that specific area. I couldn't be more
(12:09):
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(13:14):
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That's drink Jauni dot com, and make sure you use
the code on Purpose. I think what I'm trying to
say is that there are people whose opinion matter in
(13:39):
specific areas of your life. There are very few people
whose opinions matter across the entirety of your life. And
I think that's the challenge we often take people we
love and trust, people that have known us for a
long time, as their opinion matters across every area of
my life. And often sometimes we trust someone who barely
knows us with their opinion of our entire life. The
(14:02):
third one is competency. This is a really, really important
point that I want to make. Often we care about
what people think about us, even when they're not experts
in the field, and this is potentially one of the
most damaging times we care about what people think because
not only are they not an expert, they may not
(14:23):
be that close to us, yet their opinion matters to
us so much, Right have you thought about that before?
Maybe you're working on a project and then someone shares
their opinion on it. Now, I'm not saying there may
not be any value in what they're saying, but if
they're not an expert in that space, it doesn't make sense.
I often say that to my friends when my friends
(14:43):
are asking me for advice about a particular career path,
and I'll stop and I'll say to them, I know
nothing about that industry. I can give you some life principles.
I can give you some thought about how humans interact
in that space, and I can some ancient wisdom and
science that I've read, but I can't really give you
(15:03):
an example because that industry is something I don't have
experience with. And I think that's a really important trait
of the people around you as well, who can own
up to when they don't know so. And the last
one is character. There are people in your life who
you know when you want to test whether you're doing
something that's aligned and of the right values, then these
(15:25):
people carry that character. So you've got care, consistency, competence,
and character. When you do care about what people think,
make sure they fit into one of these four categories,
and you allow them to have an impact based on
that category. So that's all about choosing your friends wisely.
(15:45):
Some people will have an opinion about everything right, They'll
have an opinion about what you're wearing, who you're dating,
how much money you make, what home you live in.
And that can be really hard if someone has an
opinion about everything you're doing, because if they're close to you,
it starts to become relevant. So choose your friends wisely
and recognize who are your friends that you value because
(16:07):
they care for you. Who's the list of people that
you value because they're competent, who are the consistent people,
and who are the people of high character. I actually
want you to write down those four words and make
lists of people in your life so that the next
time you're struggling with one of those areas, you have
someone you can reach out to. And the next time
you get some unsolicited insight, you get some unsolicited answers
(16:31):
from one of these people, you can actually think, well,
wait a minute, do they fit into this category of
the advice they're giving. This is a great filtering tool,
Like if someone's giving me career advice, but that's not
their forte and that isn't something they understand. It doesn't
mean that I don't think there's value in it. It
just means that I still have to live my life
(16:52):
and I can't be sidetracked because otherwise everyone's opinion is
relevant at all times. I hope that makes sense. It's
compassionate and kind, but it has to be clear as well.
This one's a huge one. Don't be someone who gossips
about others, because if you talk about others, you'll always
assume people are talking about you. Let me say again,
if you gossip about others, you'll always think others are
(17:16):
gossiping about you. You'll always feel that other people are
talking about you, because that's what you're doing in your
spare time. In your spare time, you're looking at someone else,
going can't believe they wore that, can't believe they did that,
can't believe they're dating so and so, can't believe And
if you're having that conversation, you're basically creating a projection.
See the reason why when someone does something really bad
(17:38):
to us, it's really hard for us to understand because
we're like, we would never do that to someone, right,
We think to ourselves. Well, I would never ever do
that to you, So you don't even you can't even
wrap your head around it sometimes. And so similarly, when
you're treating people a certain way, like if you're thinking
a lot about other people in your head, you're thinking, well,
(18:00):
they must be thinking about me. We project our own
insecurities onto the behaviors of others. We project our own
challenges onto the behavior of others. And so that's really
really important that we recognize that we don't want to
be someone who's gossiping or talking about others and then
(18:22):
struggling because we are lost in that mindset. And apart
from that, it's just not it's just unhealthy. If it
constantly speaking about others, we don't have time to speak
about really big ideas, dreams, goals, things we're working on,
how we're improving ourselves. And it's a slippery slope, slippery,
slippery slope, and we often justify that we're doing it
(18:45):
for the right reason, but we all know that there
are better things to focus on for our own growth.
Number three really important, be clear about how you feel
about yourself. What is important to you think, Like among
chapter one, I give you an auditing exercise. The auditing
exercise is writing down what you think you currently value.
(19:09):
And remember, what you value is not what you think
you valu it's what you spend your money, your time,
and your energy on. I always say to people that
your schedule and your expense report shows you more about
what you value than what you think in your head. So,
for example, what's your greatest expenditure. Is it truly on
(19:29):
family because you say you value family, or is it
on personal expenses? Right when you say your schedule, if
you say you truly value your work, but then your
work doesn't make up that much of your day. So
when we analyze our money and our time outgoing, that
shows us what we value. And what I'm asking you
(19:49):
here is be clear about what you value and whether
it's actually showing up in your life. The audit exercise
is writing down the list of your current values and
then ask you yourself where you got it from. So
write down a list of your values, write down a
list of where you got them from, and then ask yourself,
do I still want this value? I'll give an example.
(20:12):
There may be someone who has a value that they
like to spend a lot, and then when they reflect
on where they got that value, they realize they got
that value from a parent. And now when they reflect
on that value themselves, they go, actually, this value is
not serving me. This value is not helping me build
a good life. I actually want to change my value.
This is how we get clear about our values. When
(20:36):
we get really clear about our values, we now even
if the result is in in our favor, we still feel, Okay,
I've had this experience, right, and you've probably had it too,
where like, you do something it makes no sense to anyone,
but because it made sense to you, you think to yourself,
you know what, that's okay, It's okay, right. But oftentimes
(20:56):
we do things without a sense of personal clarity. We
take steps without being open and honest with ourselves. Number four,
opinions don't impact your reality. And want this one to
sink in. Close your eyes and hear me say this.
(21:17):
Opinions don't become your reality. What they do is that
they can become your thoughts. Often we think if someone
says something, then that's just how it's going to go.
It's not true. If someone thinks your business isn't gonna work,
that doesn't mean anything. If someone thinks your podcast is
a bad idea that doesn't necessarily mean anything. If someone
(21:39):
doesn't think that what you're doing helps people, it doesn't
necessarily mean anything. And what I've realized is that a
lot of us get so lost in trying to overvalue
what someone feels that we undervalue doing the work. So
when someone else's opinions become your own thoughts, that's when
(22:00):
it really starts to hurt. That's when it really starts
to dismantle you. And so what we have to be
careful of is we have to recognize that everyone's entitled
to their opinion, but we can't make it a part
of our inner dialogue. We can't make it a part
of our inner thought process. Here's an activity I want
(22:20):
you to do for step number five, I want you
to think of your three best decisions you've made in life,
the best decisions you ever made that you could see
afterwards that they were the best decisions. So, if I
was to choose mine, one would be choosing to become
a monk, one would be leaving to become a monk,
(22:42):
and the third one would be starting the podcast. For example,
I could pick many others, but those would be three
that I would consider to be really good decisions in
my life, some of my best decisions. So I want
you to make a list of your three best decisions. Now.
I want you to think about it, because I guarantee
that your three best decisions in life weren't based on
(23:05):
other people's opinions. I'm pretty sure that your best three
decisions in life maybe even made others feel uncomfortable. I
remember when I chose to become a monk, people didn't
think that was the best idea. And when I left
being a monk, people didn't think that was the best idea.
When I wanted to start my podcast, people didn't think
it was the best idea. Right, A lot of people didn't. Actually,
(23:26):
I didn't have a lot of validation for those three decisions.
But I was really sure that this was going to
be good for me, that I was really passionate about
the decisions I was making, And I truly believe that
your best decisions in life were not influenced by someone else.
Now that doesn't mean you didn't get inspiration, it doesn't
(23:47):
mean that other people didn't positively impact it. But what
I find is that they weren't based on the opinion
of others, And I want you to take confidence in that.
I want you to take confidence in the fact that
you have made mad brilliant decisions in the past, and
they were brilliant because you weren't being impacted by other
people's opinions. Right. If other people's opinions aligned with you,
(24:09):
that's great. But you have to ask yourself, is it
actually making you feel uncomfortable to pursuing the path that
someone else thinks is good for you? Number six, People
are not thinking about you as much, as often or
as deeply as you think they are. Let me say
(24:30):
that again. Take this one in. Let it sink in.
People are never thinking about you as much as often
or as deeply as you think they are. We think
that people are sitting there just thinking about us, that
they're talking about us. And I wish I could find
(24:53):
the studies on how much time people actually spend thinking
about you, and I promise you it is less than
one percent of their day. I think we have something
like forty five thoughts per minute or something like that.
I promise you there aren't that many thoughts that are
about you. Most of our challenge with that is we're
(25:13):
thinking it. We're thinking that people are thinking it about us.
Going back to my favorite Charles Houghton Cooley quote, which
you've heard me say a million times, but I'm going
to say it again because it's my favorite. Charles Houghton
Cooley said, I'm not what I think I am. I'm
not what you think I am. I am what I
think you think I am. Right, let that blow your
(25:34):
mind for a moment. He said, I am what I
think you think I am. So we think we think
we know what other people are thinking about us, and
we base our perception of ourselves on that. So if
I think you think I'm weak, then I feel weak.
If I think you think I'm strong, then I feel strong.
(25:54):
We want to get out of that inception, right. And
the last point I wanted to make the point place
value on the source based on their qualities and attributes.
Don't misplace don't overvalue someone's opinion without really understanding where
they're coming from and the place with which it's coming from.
(26:17):
Is it coming from the place of wanting to invest
in your growth? Is it coming from being a well wisher?
Where is it coming from Recognizing that intention can make
a huge difference. I want to thank you for tuning
in today. I hope this episode helps you. I hope
it sparks a conversation. I hope you share it with
a friend. Remember I am always rooting for you. I
(26:39):
want you to win, and I'm in your corner forever.
Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate you. Get
excited for Monday and come back and go back through
all the episodes and catch up on some of those
two Thank you. Thank you so much for listening to
this conversation. If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat
(26:59):
with Adam Grant on why discomfort is the key to
growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential. If
you know you want to be more and achieve more
this year, go check it out right now. You set
a goal today, you achieve it in six months, and
then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief.
There's no sense of meaning and purpose. You sort of
(27:20):
expected it, and you would have been disappointed if it
didn't happen.
Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which
is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you
that it's a primary focus of on Purpose, but on
a day to day basis, many people don't know where
to turn or which tools can help. Over the past
couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make
mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as I like to say,
fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to
(00:24):
help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep,
and generally feel better in your daily life. So many
bite size options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world,
along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out
my seven minute daily series to help you live more
mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners of On
(00:45):
Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calmpremium at
Calm dot com Forward slash j that's Calm dot com
forward slash jay for forty percent off Calm your Mind,
Change your Life. There are people whose opinion matter in
specific areas of your life. There are very few people
(01:05):
whose opinions matter across the entirety of your life. And
I think that's the challenge. We often take people we
love and trust as their opinion matters across every area
of my life. The number one health and wellness podcast
Jay set Jay Shetty s, Hey everyone, welcome back to
on Purpose. I am so grateful that you're locked in
(01:29):
right now. The amount of you that are listening on
Spotify on Apple leaving your reviews makes such a huge difference.
And I hope that you're going back into our back
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missing out on anything, because I know that there's been
some updates on the apps. I want to make sure
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(01:52):
and Friday for new episodes, and of course, remember we
have five hundred episodes from the last five years that
you can go back to. If you're a new listener,
whether you've listened to one episode, welcome, whether you're listening
to your five hundred episode, welcome back. I am Jay
Sheddy and I'm so happy to be here with you today.
Today's theme is stop caring about what people think and
(02:17):
the signs that we care too much about what people think. Now.
The reason I dove into this topic is because I
think we've all had a situation with our friends where
someone sends a decision they're about to make to the
group chat and they say, what do you think I
should say on my dating profile? Or what do you
(02:38):
think about this guy that I'm dating? Or what do
you think about this job opportunity that's out there? Or
what do you think about what I should wear to
the party this weekend. Now, there's nothing wrong about that.
It's harmless, it's totally normal. It's natural for us to
seek validation from the people around us, to seek insight
from the people around us. But often what we find
(02:58):
is that we've gone down on a whole where we
make decisions, choices, and big directives in our life based
on what other people think. A lot of us when
we're young chose subjects at school based on what our
parents taught. We chose where we went to college, maybe
(03:19):
because of some friends. We maybe even chose what city
we live in because we were in a romantic relationship
until it didn't work out. And to so many of
our decisions, some of our biggest decisions in life are
made aligned with other people's values and not always with
our own values. And this episode is all about us
(03:40):
really getting clear on that it's not bad to make
a decision based on someone else's value if that value
aligns with us. It's not bad if we're conscious and aware,
but it's really important that we recognize it. So I
want to talk to you a bit about the signs
that we care too much about what other people think about,
because sometimes it can be so subtle. Right, it's not
(04:03):
always so obvious as you buy the same clothes or
go to the same places. It can be a lot
more subtle. One of the first ways or signs that
shows we care too much is that we can be
easily swayed. So we often take this as a feeling
of Oh, I'm laid back, I'm open to anything, I'll
(04:24):
do whatever you want. And really it's because we're scared
of sharing our opinion because we're scared that people may
not want to do that. Maybe it's deciding what movie
to watch or what restaurant to go to. You end
up at a horror movie even though you absolutely hate them,
and you end up eating a particular cuisine even though
it's your least favorite. You're easily swayed because there's a
(04:46):
part of you that doesn't want to be the one
to cause conflict. There's a part of you that doesn't
want to be the one to stand out. Now, you
may be easy going, You genuinely may not care, and
that's probable too. But for those of you that are thinking,
you know what I do get easily swayed. I do
find it easy to sacrifice and give up on what
(05:07):
I really care about and what I want. This is
an important note. Now. I'm not saying that the way
to do this is to fight for everything you want
or to retaliate, because often we've been giving people the permission.
Often we're not easily swayed because someone's persuading us or
negotiating with us. We're easily swayed because we allow ourselves
(05:30):
to be. So this is something that we can set
better boundaries around now. The second sign is you struggle
to turn things down. You struggle to say no. Right.
Someone says to you, oh, you're coming out tomorrow night, right,
And even though you had other plans, even though you
knew you didn't want to go, you said yeah, yeah,
(05:50):
I'll be there, And then the whole next twenty four
hours you're going. Why did I say yes? I just
want to stay indoors. I don't want to go anywhere.
But now you've said yes. You struggle with saying no.
You struggle with being clear because we care about what
people think. We're hoping that people don't think we're boring,
that people don't think that we're not a good time,
(06:12):
that people don't stop inviting us. Right, We're worried about
all of these things. Another sign is that we are
self proclaimed people pleases. We know that we're constantly trying
to shape shift. We're constantly trying to be malleable because
all we want to do is please others, not because
(06:33):
we genuinely want to please them by who we are,
but by actually disconnecting from who we are. Another one
is you outsource your choices. Right, So someone else is
making decision about what you wear, someone else is making
a decision about the color of your couch, someone else
is making a decision about something else. Right, you're basically saying, guys,
(06:56):
can you make the decision for me? Because I don't
want to make decisions. And in that way, we almost
do that because a part of us doesn't want to
take responsibility. We'd rather be able to say, oh yeah,
but they told me it was a good idea. I
thought it was a good idea, And again it comes
from a lack of trust in ourselves. Now, these are
all very normal things. This doesn't make you weak, it
(07:19):
doesn't make you not strong, it doesn't make you not bold,
it doesn't make you not a good person. These are
things that we all struggle with, and I still struggle
with too. Right. I remember a couple of weeks ago
when I'd already made plans and I had to say
no to someone and it broke my heart. I still
feel bad when I have to do that. But I
started looking into it, and a lot of science and
(07:41):
research suggests that we have to care what people think
in order to develop closeness. Right, we have to care
what people think in order to feel a sense of belonging.
That's what belonging is all about. And belonging is a
core tenet in life. We need it. Right. If you
feel a part of a team, you feel we all
support the same team, So I do care about what
(08:03):
you think. Right, If we're going to the same place
of worship or we go to the same community center,
we think to ourselves, yeah, I want to feel like
I fit in and the list goes on and on
and on, And the truth is, if we didn't care
about what people think, the world would be chaotic. Can
you imagine if everyone on planet Earth didn't care what
(08:27):
anyone thought. That would lead to chaos. If you've ever
played GTA, that's what it would be like, right where
there's no consequences, it doesn't matter. You can do whatever
you want. And I mean, yes, the cops will come
after you, but the reality is that you kind of
live in a way that it doesn't matter what you
do because it's not real. So imagine if we lived
(08:48):
in a world where everyone did exactly what they wanted.
Although it's a nice idea in theory, in practice it
could be extremely, extremely worrying. And so the part that
we have to understand is there are moments in our
life where it is healthy to listen to others, where
(09:10):
it is healthy to care about what other people think.
And I want to start with that. I want to
start with when should we care about what other people think.
One of the ways that I found it really useful
is if someone has been through an experience previously to you.
Think about a basic example, someone's been to a country
(09:32):
before you, someone has been to a concert before you.
I'm not saying that their experience will be your experience,
but their advice their insight may be useful if you
want to start a podcast, speaking to someone who started
a podcast and asking them, what are some of the
challenges you came up against, What are some of the
things you were surprised by. What are some of the
things that were easier than you thought. Being able to
(09:55):
talk to someone who's one year, three years, five years
into an experience allows you to understand something deeply. You
can care about what they think and notice there's a
difference between caring about what people think and what people
think of you. I think these two things are often convoluted, right.
(10:18):
It's like I can care about your opinion as your
opinion and still not make it my noise and my opinion.
And I think we don't understand how to filter and
how to create a distance between these two things that automatically,
when someone says something, we subconsciously make it our own.
(10:41):
And so I really want you to consider in your
life whenever you listen to people, and it's been really
powerful and useful. I can honestly say I had a
conversation with someone the other day, they say, shared so
many great insights with me. It was all about Juni,
which of course is mine and my wife's sparkling adaptogenic tea.
And for those of you haven't tried it, please do.
It's one of our favorite things that we've been working on.
(11:02):
It's a real passion project. And as we've been building
Drink Juni as a company and as a brand, we've
had to take advice from other beverage entrepreneurs who've done
it before us because we're complete novices, and at that
point it is important that I care about what they think. Right.
It's also important to care about what people think when
(11:23):
it's a group of people that you trust, a group
of people that you recognize have different things to offer you.
So there are four c's of connection. The first one
is care. There are some people that care about you,
so you care about what they think when it comes
to caring about you. If you want to know who
(11:45):
has your best interest at heart, this is the group
to go to. The second one is consistency. There are
certain people who are consistently there for you. They've always
been around, they'll always be around because they are just
in your life. Again, you care about what they think
about you in that specific area. I couldn't be more
(12:09):
excited to share something truly special with all you tea
lovers out there. And even if you don't love tea,
if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling sodas that are good
for you, listen to this RADI and I poured our
hearts into creating June Sparkling Tea with adaptogens for you
because we believe in nurturing your body, and with every
(12:29):
sip you'll experience calmness of mind, a refreshing vitality, and
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(12:54):
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We believe in nurturing and energizing your body while enjoying
(13:14):
a truly delicious and refreshing drink. So visit Drinkjuni dot
com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code
on Purpose to receive fifteen percent off your first order.
That's drink Jauni dot com, and make sure you use
the code on Purpose. I think what I'm trying to
say is that there are people whose opinion matter in
(13:39):
specific areas of your life. There are very few people
whose opinions matter across the entirety of your life. And
I think that's the challenge we often take people we
love and trust, people that have known us for a
long time, as their opinion matters across every area of
my life. And often sometimes we trust someone who barely
knows us with their opinion of our entire life. The
(14:02):
third one is competency. This is a really, really important
point that I want to make. Often we care about
what people think about us, even when they're not experts
in the field, and this is potentially one of the
most damaging times we care about what people think because
not only are they not an expert, they may not
(14:23):
be that close to us, yet their opinion matters to
us so much, Right have you thought about that before?
Maybe you're working on a project and then someone shares
their opinion on it. Now, I'm not saying there may
not be any value in what they're saying, but if
they're not an expert in that space, it doesn't make sense.
I often say that to my friends when my friends
(14:43):
are asking me for advice about a particular career path,
and I'll stop and I'll say to them, I know
nothing about that industry. I can give you some life principles.
I can give you some thought about how humans interact
in that space, and I can some ancient wisdom and
science that I've read, but I can't really give you
(15:03):
an example because that industry is something I don't have
experience with. And I think that's a really important trait
of the people around you as well, who can own
up to when they don't know so. And the last
one is character. There are people in your life who
you know when you want to test whether you're doing
something that's aligned and of the right values, then these
(15:25):
people carry that character. So you've got care, consistency, competence,
and character. When you do care about what people think,
make sure they fit into one of these four categories,
and you allow them to have an impact based on
that category. So that's all about choosing your friends wisely.
(15:45):
Some people will have an opinion about everything right, They'll
have an opinion about what you're wearing, who you're dating,
how much money you make, what home you live in.
And that can be really hard if someone has an
opinion about everything you're doing, because if they're close to you,
it starts to become relevant. So choose your friends wisely
and recognize who are your friends that you value because
(16:07):
they care for you. Who's the list of people that
you value because they're competent, who are the consistent people,
and who are the people of high character. I actually
want you to write down those four words and make
lists of people in your life so that the next
time you're struggling with one of those areas, you have
someone you can reach out to. And the next time
you get some unsolicited insight, you get some unsolicited answers
(16:31):
from one of these people, you can actually think, well,
wait a minute, do they fit into this category of
the advice they're giving. This is a great filtering tool,
Like if someone's giving me career advice, but that's not
their forte and that isn't something they understand. It doesn't
mean that I don't think there's value in it. It
just means that I still have to live my life
(16:52):
and I can't be sidetracked because otherwise everyone's opinion is
relevant at all times. I hope that makes sense. It's
compassionate and kind, but it has to be clear as well.
This one's a huge one. Don't be someone who gossips
about others, because if you talk about others, you'll always
assume people are talking about you. Let me say again,
if you gossip about others, you'll always think others are
(17:16):
gossiping about you. You'll always feel that other people are
talking about you, because that's what you're doing in your
spare time. In your spare time, you're looking at someone else,
going can't believe they wore that, can't believe they did that,
can't believe they're dating so and so, can't believe And
if you're having that conversation, you're basically creating a projection.
See the reason why when someone does something really bad
(17:38):
to us, it's really hard for us to understand because
we're like, we would never do that to someone, right,
We think to ourselves. Well, I would never ever do
that to you, So you don't even you can't even
wrap your head around it sometimes. And so similarly, when
you're treating people a certain way, like if you're thinking
a lot about other people in your head, you're thinking, well,
(18:00):
they must be thinking about me. We project our own
insecurities onto the behaviors of others. We project our own
challenges onto the behavior of others. And so that's really
really important that we recognize that we don't want to
be someone who's gossiping or talking about others and then
(18:22):
struggling because we are lost in that mindset. And apart
from that, it's just not it's just unhealthy. If it
constantly speaking about others, we don't have time to speak
about really big ideas, dreams, goals, things we're working on,
how we're improving ourselves. And it's a slippery slope, slippery,
slippery slope, and we often justify that we're doing it
(18:45):
for the right reason, but we all know that there
are better things to focus on for our own growth.
Number three really important, be clear about how you feel
about yourself. What is important to you think, Like among
chapter one, I give you an auditing exercise. The auditing
exercise is writing down what you think you currently value.
(19:09):
And remember, what you value is not what you think
you valu it's what you spend your money, your time,
and your energy on. I always say to people that
your schedule and your expense report shows you more about
what you value than what you think in your head. So,
for example, what's your greatest expenditure. Is it truly on
(19:29):
family because you say you value family, or is it
on personal expenses? Right when you say your schedule, if
you say you truly value your work, but then your
work doesn't make up that much of your day. So
when we analyze our money and our time outgoing, that
shows us what we value. And what I'm asking you
(19:49):
here is be clear about what you value and whether
it's actually showing up in your life. The audit exercise
is writing down the list of your current values and
then ask you yourself where you got it from. So
write down a list of your values, write down a
list of where you got them from, and then ask yourself,
do I still want this value? I'll give an example.
(20:12):
There may be someone who has a value that they
like to spend a lot, and then when they reflect
on where they got that value, they realize they got
that value from a parent. And now when they reflect
on that value themselves, they go, actually, this value is
not serving me. This value is not helping me build
a good life. I actually want to change my value.
This is how we get clear about our values. When
(20:36):
we get really clear about our values, we now even
if the result is in in our favor, we still feel, Okay,
I've had this experience, right, and you've probably had it too,
where like, you do something it makes no sense to anyone,
but because it made sense to you, you think to yourself,
you know what, that's okay, It's okay, right. But oftentimes
(20:56):
we do things without a sense of personal clarity. We
take steps without being open and honest with ourselves. Number four,
opinions don't impact your reality. And want this one to
sink in. Close your eyes and hear me say this.
(21:17):
Opinions don't become your reality. What they do is that
they can become your thoughts. Often we think if someone
says something, then that's just how it's going to go.
It's not true. If someone thinks your business isn't gonna work,
that doesn't mean anything. If someone thinks your podcast is
a bad idea that doesn't necessarily mean anything. If someone
(21:39):
doesn't think that what you're doing helps people, it doesn't
necessarily mean anything. And what I've realized is that a
lot of us get so lost in trying to overvalue
what someone feels that we undervalue doing the work. So
when someone else's opinions become your own thoughts, that's when
(22:00):
it really starts to hurt. That's when it really starts
to dismantle you. And so what we have to be
careful of is we have to recognize that everyone's entitled
to their opinion, but we can't make it a part
of our inner dialogue. We can't make it a part
of our inner thought process. Here's an activity I want
(22:20):
you to do for step number five, I want you
to think of your three best decisions you've made in life,
the best decisions you ever made that you could see
afterwards that they were the best decisions. So, if I
was to choose mine, one would be choosing to become
a monk, one would be leaving to become a monk,
(22:42):
and the third one would be starting the podcast. For example,
I could pick many others, but those would be three
that I would consider to be really good decisions in
my life, some of my best decisions. So I want
you to make a list of your three best decisions. Now.
I want you to think about it, because I guarantee
that your three best decisions in life weren't based on
(23:05):
other people's opinions. I'm pretty sure that your best three
decisions in life maybe even made others feel uncomfortable. I
remember when I chose to become a monk, people didn't
think that was the best idea. And when I left
being a monk, people didn't think that was the best idea.
When I wanted to start my podcast, people didn't think
it was the best idea. Right, A lot of people didn't. Actually,
(23:26):
I didn't have a lot of validation for those three decisions.
But I was really sure that this was going to
be good for me, that I was really passionate about
the decisions I was making, And I truly believe that
your best decisions in life were not influenced by someone else.
Now that doesn't mean you didn't get inspiration, it doesn't
(23:47):
mean that other people didn't positively impact it. But what
I find is that they weren't based on the opinion
of others, And I want you to take confidence in that.
I want you to take confidence in the fact that
you have made mad brilliant decisions in the past, and
they were brilliant because you weren't being impacted by other
people's opinions. Right. If other people's opinions aligned with you,
(24:09):
that's great. But you have to ask yourself, is it
actually making you feel uncomfortable to pursuing the path that
someone else thinks is good for you? Number six, People
are not thinking about you as much, as often or
as deeply as you think they are. Let me say
(24:30):
that again. Take this one in. Let it sink in.
People are never thinking about you as much as often
or as deeply as you think they are. We think
that people are sitting there just thinking about us, that
they're talking about us. And I wish I could find
(24:53):
the studies on how much time people actually spend thinking
about you, and I promise you it is less than
one percent of their day. I think we have something
like forty five thoughts per minute or something like that.
I promise you there aren't that many thoughts that are
about you. Most of our challenge with that is we're
(25:13):
thinking it. We're thinking that people are thinking it about us.
Going back to my favorite Charles Houghton Cooley quote, which
you've heard me say a million times, but I'm going
to say it again because it's my favorite. Charles Houghton
Cooley said, I'm not what I think I am. I'm
not what you think I am. I am what I
think you think I am. Right, let that blow your
(25:34):
mind for a moment. He said, I am what I
think you think I am. So we think we think
we know what other people are thinking about us, and
we base our perception of ourselves on that. So if
I think you think I'm weak, then I feel weak.
If I think you think I'm strong, then I feel strong.
(25:54):
We want to get out of that inception, right. And
the last point I wanted to make the point place
value on the source based on their qualities and attributes.
Don't misplace don't overvalue someone's opinion without really understanding where
they're coming from and the place with which it's coming from.
(26:17):
Is it coming from the place of wanting to invest
in your growth? Is it coming from being a well wisher?
Where is it coming from Recognizing that intention can make
a huge difference. I want to thank you for tuning
in today. I hope this episode helps you. I hope
it sparks a conversation. I hope you share it with
a friend. Remember I am always rooting for you. I
(26:39):
want you to win, and I'm in your corner forever.
Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate you. Get
excited for Monday and come back and go back through
all the episodes and catch up on some of those
two Thank you. Thank you so much for listening to
this conversation. If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat
(26:59):
with Adam Grant on why discomfort is the key to
growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential. If
you know you want to be more and achieve more
this year, go check it out right now. You set
a goal today, you achieve it in six months, and
then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief.
There's no sense of meaning and purpose. You sort of
(27:20):
expected it, and you would have been disappointed if it
didn't happen.
Host
Jay Shetty
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