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We've probably met different types of people with varying personalities and we've never really thought about it. It may seem trivial, unimportant, or unrelated to what we want to accomplish that day. But having a good grasp of the different types of people will actually help us form better connections. We can start avoiding misunderstandings and miscommunication when we understand how the people around us think and how they act upon their thoughts.
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty explains four different personality types, their possible habits and actions, and how we can effectively communicate and interact with them.
Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/
Key Takeaways:
- 00:00 Intro
- 02:04 The 4 types of people we will meet
- 05:00 Questions you should ask yourself
- 07:39 Type #1: OT - Outgoing and Task
- 10:57 Type #2: OP - Outgoing and People
- 15:37 Type #3: RT - Reserved and Task
- 17:19 Type #4: RP - Reserved and People
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
People don't care how much you know until they know
how much you care. And people know that you care
when you talk to them in their language. If you're
not communicating to someone in their language, they don't resonate
in the same way as if you were talking to
someone who doesn't speak English. You could be kind, caring
and loving, but they're still not going to understand you.
You're not going to get through to them. Hey. Everyone,
(00:28):
welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast
in the world. Thanks to each and every one of
you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now,
the reviews, the energy, the sharing of this show have
just been so special. It's been so heart touching. I've
(00:51):
been traveling all over bumping into so many of you.
I love it when you come then tell me that
you're an on Purpose listener. It really means the world
to me because I feel like for those of you
who listen to me every week, we've really build a relationship.
Like you know me, you can hear him in your head,
you recognize my voice. But even on a deep level,
I feel like you understand me, and I feel like
(01:14):
I understand you too, because as I see you sharing
and I'm always looking out for your stories or your tweets.
I start to notice how there's certain things that resonate
with you, and I think to myself, Wow, we're really connected.
So I really feel a synergy with each and every
one of you that make time every week to listen,
to learn, and to grow. And I just want to
thank you for that, because I feel like then when
(01:38):
we meet, there's this deeper connection that we wouldn't have otherwise.
And what to speak of next year when I go
on tour. I'm so excited. In the next few weeks,
I'll be announcing my tour, which I want to tell
you about, which I cannot wait to share with you,
So make sure you're ready for that, and the launch
of my second book, which I am pumped and are
(02:00):
comming to tell you all about that. But I'm going
to say that we've got an exciting lined out. But
today I wanted to talk about the four types of
people that you're going to meet in your life and
how to effectively connect and communicate with them. And I
think one of the biggest challenges for all of us
(02:22):
is that we don't realize that everyone that we meet
is wired differently and everyone that we meet is motivated differently.
We are always shocked when someone doesn't align with us,
when we should be more shocked when someone does align
(02:44):
with us. It is actually more likely for you to
meet people who think differently than people who think alike.
And that is why our dearest friends, our family, the
people that we spend the most time with, they're usually
a smaller number than the people we know. Like if
I asked you how many people are you close to?
How many people do you feel deeply connected with? Most
(03:07):
people would say I can count them on my hand,
And most of us would say, well, it's few and
far between. Maybe you're someone who has one person who
knows you really well, maybe of two, maybe a five maximum.
But you may know one hundred and fifty people. You
may know two hundred and fifty people. All right, you're
really popular, I get it. You know five hundred people,
(03:29):
all right, But think about that as a percentage. That
is such a small percentage of the amount of people
you know, acquaintances, you have, people you've come across, versus
the people that you know deeply and the people that
know you deeply. And therefore, if you find people who
are aligned in values, aligned in the way you think,
it's very rare. So today I'm going to introduce you
(03:52):
to the four types of people you'll meet in this world,
in life, in work, in relationships, and hopefully after this episode,
what you're going to get is you're going to understand
how to connect and communicate with each different type so
that you don't feel unequipped. How many times in a
conversation at work do you feel I don't know what
(04:14):
to say, Or maybe you're introduced to someone new and
you're like, I don't get why they think about that first,
Or you start dating someone and you wonder, why do
they have different priorities? And we start to realize that
personality types and the way we're set up and the
way we're wired has a big impact on this. Now,
(04:36):
I'm going to caveat by saying that there's four types
i'm introducing you to today. Really there's sixteen types, and actually,
if you really look to the world, there's sixty four types.
So when we simplify it to four, you're going to
see a lot of crossovers because it's more complex than that.
But I don't think you need me to describe sixty
(04:57):
four types. So I think four is a good place
to start. So the way you can quickly identify this
is by asking two questions that divides these four parts.
And as you're listening to me, you can do this
questionnaire on yourself and you can think about the people
that you meet, the people that you know, and the
(05:17):
people that you work with. So the first question is
are you more outgoing or are you more reserved? Now,
whether you're outgoing or reserved, these are both confident. It's
just that you have a different wiring. So the outgoing
person is the life of the party. They start conversations,
They generate discussions. Often they facilitate the conversation. The reserved
(05:41):
person may be quieter. They may find one person to
connect with, They may get into a deep intimate discussion.
They may listen more, they talk, and then they observe more.
So answer that question for yourself, are you more outgoing
or reserved? And people who say they're both that it's
not necessarily true because we choose one over the other
(06:01):
when we're feeling our best. When you're feeling your best,
are you outgoing or are you reserved? So pick one
o or are? Now? The second question is are you
more people focused or task focused. If your people focused,
you're thinking about people's experience, how people feel, how people think.
If your task focused, you're focused on what do I
(06:23):
do first? What do I do next? Okay, if I
do that, then I can do that. You get obsessed
with your to do lists. You get obsessed with all
of the tasks of the day. You think about tasks
before people, or if your people first, you think about
people before tasks. We all think about both, but we
think about one before the other. Are you people or
(06:45):
are you task? You care about both, but which one
do you think about first? So now you should have
two letters. You will leave it to be outgoing and
task OT, or you'll be outgoing in people OP, or
you'll be reserved and task RT, or you'll be reserved
(07:08):
and people are P. So you could be one of
those four types, and everyone you know in the world
can be broken down into one of those four types
in order to help you. I often use this when
I'm hiring in the workplace because I want to be
surrounded by people who compliment my skill sets and strengths.
I often think about this in my own relationship as
(07:31):
to how to communicate better with my wife and today,
I'm going to actually share with you which ones we
are and how we communicate differently. So let's start withoutgoing
and task ot. These people are doers, their planners, their schedulers.
They get things done, they make things happen. They're drivers.
(07:53):
These people are dedicated to getting the job done. Often
they're moving so fast people can get upset. Often they're
moving so hard that people get burned. And so you
start to recognize that there's a lot of strengths to
this personality type, and naturally with all of them, you're
(08:15):
going to hear about their weaknesses. Now, this person is fantastic,
and if you are going to communicate with them, if
you're going to talk to that person, you want to
be organized. You want to be prepared for the meeting.
You want to be able to be clear about what
the goal is, what the target is, and what the
(08:37):
path is. So let's say you're dating someone who's like this.
If you're going to have a conversation with them about
where you want to go on vacation, they're going to
be easier to engage when they can see options, they
can see plans. If you go up to them and go,
where do you want to go. They might have a
plan themselves, but if you're taking on the responsibility, chances
(08:59):
are they're going to expect you to have a plan
because that's how they think people want to be communicated
to in their emotional language, not yours. So yes, they
might have planned, and they may be ahead of the
game already, but chances are if you took the responsibility,
you'd need to do that now. If you have someone
like this at work, chances are they're already organized, they're
(09:20):
already four steps ahead. But now when you're doing your role,
if you want to be able to make them listen,
if you want to communicate with them in a way
that they're going to hear you, they need to hear
that you have really thought about the timeline or you're
interested in that approach from them. They need to understand
that you realize the value of getting things done in
(09:43):
plans and schedules. If they don't hear that in the
way you speak, if they don't understand that from the
way you come across, they actually start to disengage. Notice now,
think about it, how many times you've talked to someone
like this and you've realized you've valienated them right now,
raise your hand if you Oh wow, Jay, this was
a moment for me. You just blew my mind because
(10:04):
now I know why that person never resonates with me,
because I'm always trying to be kind to them. I'm
always trying to be caring to them, but I don't
care about what they care about. Right. There's a famous
statement that says, people don't care how much you know
until they know how much you care. And people know
that you care when you talk to them in their language.
(10:26):
So I used to always think, if you're kind, if
you're loving, if you're caring, then that's what communication needs
to be. And while that's true, if you're not communicating
to someone in their language, they don't resonate in the
same way as if you were talking to someone who
doesn't speak English. You could be kind, caring and loving,
but they're still not going to understand you. You're not
(10:47):
going to get through to them. And so I think
for all of us we have to be really conscious,
we have to be really aware of whether we're getting
through to people. Now, the next time that was OT,
let's talk about op so op. These people are influencers,
(11:07):
they're ideators, they're highly persuasive, they're negotiators, they're good at sales.
These people are the people that love talking, they love ideating.
They have a lot of high energy. They often bring
a lot of energy into a conversation. They're highly motivated.
They have that bright spark about them. Right, and this
(11:29):
type of person, one of the things that's really interesting
about them is that they want to be creative. They
want to be recognized, they want to be validated. And
if you're communicating with someone like this, you want to
allow them to be open and creative. You want to
let that person lead and innovate. Now, you can also
(11:50):
see naturally that if you are this person, you're going
to flourish in environments where you get to express your creativity.
The biggest mistaken is often you're waiting for someone to
allow you space to be creative. Often you're waiting for
someone to let you be creative. And the truth is
(12:10):
that you are going to have to show it because
most people don't think like you and don't have time
to think about these things. They don't have time to think, oh, yeah,
this person needs me to let them be creative. This
person needs to let them be blue sky thinking. This
person needs to let me to let them brainstorm. It
doesn't work that way, and so I want you to
(12:31):
recognize that with these individuals you have to really give
them space. Notice how different it is when you're talking
to the OT. You need to be organized, prepared, clear
about the golden path. With the OP, you need to
tell them where we're going, but they need to feel
(12:52):
like they can populate their ideas and energy. They need
to feel involved and included in the creative aspect it.
They may not want to implement. So maybe you have
a partners always coming up with amazing ideas but they
never implement. It's not because they don't care. It's because
they're wired that way, where their energy goes into creative
just as in the OT the energy goes into planning.
(13:15):
So if you're dating someone who's an OT, they may
not come up with the most creative things to do,
but they'll always turn up on time, they'll always be
organized about it. So start to notice how a lot
of the traits that we experience in the people we love.
I'm not saying that if someone cares about you that
they won't be different, but there is an aspect of
us of how we're wired that limits us because in
(13:37):
the OT, the creative energy goes into getting things done,
and in the OP the creative energy goes in actually
coming up with cool ideas, new things. Now, you can
already see the conflicts too. Let me just raise that point.
You can already see the conflicts. If an OT is
talking to an OP, there's conflict. The OT just wants
(13:58):
to get things done, he wants to be creative. You
can see a natural conflict, a natural issue, and the
only way to solve that is by the OP saying
to the OT or right, I would love for you
to tell me the timeline so that I can have
space to be creative and innovative. Right, So the OP
(14:18):
commits to a timeline and a realistic timeline. Stress, anxiety, overwhelm, burnout.
What do all of these have in common? A lack
of perceived control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But
(14:39):
what if I told you fixing all of these problems
is as simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know,
not simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we
could all use more calm in our lives, and learning
to stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice.
That's why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring
(15:01):
you the Daily J. If you've ever wanted to meditate
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(15:24):
by going to Calm dot com forward slash jay to
get forty percent off a Calm Premium membership that's only
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Experience the Daily J only on carm Okay, the third
one is reserved in task. These people are calculative, they're cautious,
(15:46):
they are accurate, they're data driven, they're perfectionists. Often they
want to get everything just right now. If you're talking
to this person, you want to be extremely specific. You
want to go with insight and data. You want to
go with research. You want to know because they're going
to know all the details, and they want to know
do you know all the details? Have you thought about it?
Have you considered the different various things. So with this individual,
(16:11):
they're like a calculator. They're going to calculate everything. So
you go up to your partner and you say, to
your partner, I want to buy a new dining table. Right.
If that person is a calculator, they're going to start
calculating how much you've already spent, how much the budget is,
and what is left. And they're either going to get
upset because they think you haven't thought about it, or
(16:32):
they're going to say, well, how much is it and
if you say, oh, well, I haven't really thought about it,
they get triggered. That's how this works. We get triggered
because we're wired to prioritize that. Imagine you're wired to
think about something first, and you think the person talking
to you hasn't thought about that. Often we tell that
person's snappy or that person's insensitive, But it's not always that.
(16:54):
It could be that, of course, but it often is
the idea that they haven't really been approaching this with
the foresight that you may have thought about this. So
if you're communicating with someone at work who's reserved and task,
you want to get specific with them. You want to
think about how you can really connect with them based
(17:15):
on data, insight, and solutions based on that. The fourth
type is the reserved and people. This person cares about
people first. They care about people's feelings. They're emotionally intelligent,
they're highly stable and supportive. They're good mediators, They're good
(17:37):
at dealing with challenges. Have you noticed how some of
your friends are just really good at helping with issues
and others are just pushing you to get on with it? Right,
So the OT is just telling you to get on
with it. The OP wants to talk to you about it,
but may not have a plan. The reserved and task
(17:58):
is calculating and logic trying to break it down. And
then finally the reserved in people it's just listening, trying
to understand you. That's how we're wired. You may think
the other person doesn't care, but their style of care
is different. Someone may care about you by wanting you
to move on. Someone may care about you by giving
(18:19):
you ideas. Someone may care about you about being specific,
and someone may care about you about listening to your emotions.
Notice how all those types of care are useful in
different areas. So it's not that people don't care. It's
that they care differently, And I think we get that
misconstrued because we think that care should be the same thing.
(18:41):
It should just be affectionist. But I've found that sometimes
I choose because of my wiring to be assertively affectionate
or affectionately assertive. So that's my way of being where
I want to be affectionate, but I also want to
be assertive. But some people would just give you affect.
That doesn't mean that the affectionately assertive person doesn't care
(19:03):
about you. Now, that doesn't mean people don't need to change,
and it doesn't mean people don't need to evolve and
develop emotional intelligence. It's just that someone may care about you,
they may just express it differently. And of course this
gets complex now if you are in a company with
someone who is reserved and people, they often don't get
(19:25):
hurt because they're caring so much about people, they never
get hurt. People don't often know how they feel. The
people that listen to how you feel are often unheard
and unseen. Write that down. That's really important. People that
make time to listen to you are often unheard and
unseen themselves because they're trying to feel what you feel,
(19:48):
and no one ever asked them how they feel? Right,
no one ever asked them how they feel. So for
those people, if you're dating them, if you're in work
with them, make sure you stop, pause, reflect and ask
them how they're doing. Check in with them, see how
they're feeling. Now, what I love about this is that
an ideal company, an ideal family, an ideal relationship has
(20:09):
all of these. There's a beautiful statement by Albert Einstein
where he said that everyone's a genius, but if you
judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree,
it will spend its whole life believing that it's stupid. Fascinating, right,
amazing how that so easily happens. I want you to
(20:29):
recognize that the people in your life are talented, they
are skilled, they are able. It's just that they think
differently in the workplace. There's this great conversation between Steve
Jobs and Steve WASN'TIAC and Steve WASN'TIAC. The tech brains
behind Apple looks at Steve Jobs and says, what do
you even do? You're not an engineer, you're not an artist,
(20:50):
you're not a code or what do you do? And
Steve Jobs said musicians played their instruments. I played the orchestra,
which means he knew that he couldn't do all of this,
but he could bring people together to do all of it. Now,
I'll give you an example with me and RADI. So
I am an OP. I'm outgoing and I'm people oriented.
(21:10):
It suits what I do for work, it suits my personality,
and I have adopted different traits from other personality types
to make me more well rounded. But over time, I've
developed more of the emotionally intelligent person because I care
about people deeply. But I've also developed more of the
task oriented person because I want to get things done.
(21:32):
But I choose to surround myself because I'm an OP.
I choose to surround myself with more reserved and task
because that's an opposite to me. I'm not usually detail oriented.
I don't like to focus on all the specifics. I
like to have people on my team focus on things
like that, right Rather, my wife is more likely to
(21:53):
be reserved in people. So I'm outgoing in people and
she's reserved in people. Now, how does that affect us
in our relationship? It means I need to make time
to really check in with her, to make sure she
has space for her to tell me how she feels,
for her to have space to reflect to her, to
have time to think about it. She doesn't always want
(22:14):
to be dragged to events, She doesn't always want to
go out and meet new people. She wants to be
in the comfort of being around people she knows, people
she trusts. So I have to be mindful of those things.
I have to be conscious of those things that that's
what she's looking for. And that's not because she doesn't
love our life and she doesn't love me. It's because
she's wired differently, and same with me. I like to
(22:36):
meet new people, I like to go to new places.
I also like my friends. I also recharge a lot
by being alone and spending time alone. And so when
we start to realize that our differences are not because
we're disconnected from each other. Are differences are because we're different,
we're wired differently, and we start to recognize that we
(22:57):
don't take things personally. The problem is we take a
lot of these things very personally. So I hope this
helps you in work in relationships, in life moving forward,
because I think too many of us don't recognize how
we take life to personally make life very difficult when
actually it's so much about how the other person is
(23:20):
actually wired. Now, I want to thank you for listening
to today's episode. I really hope it does help you
in work and in life. And I want to take
a moment now at the end to just read a
few reviews, because we've had some amazing reviews lately, and
I just want to point out we've got nineteen thousand reviews.
My goal this year from on purpose, from all of
you is to get to twenty thousand. So we're nearly there,
(23:42):
but I need your help and then we'll of course
see how many more we can get to. But here's
an amazing review from sun Rose. Thank you so much,
Jay for providing us all with such great content and knowledge.
I was going through a really difficult time when I
coincidentally discovered your podcasts. I've also bought your book, and
they both have helped me tremendously. It has been a
(24:03):
little over a year that I started listening to you.
You have been a great help to me becoming a
better version of myself. Thank you. That was beautiful Rose.
Thank you so much for sending that. This is Nick
sing I appreciate your podcast tremendously as a person who
recently divorced five years ago and now trying to build
on a new relationship with somebody I love dearly. Your
(24:26):
podcast has given me plenty of insight about my anxiety
and fear of being alone. What I'd like to learn
is how to be alone and love myself. What tips
can I follow? It's been difficult for me to be
away from my girlfriend while she and I are traveling
separately and away from each other for three weeks. I
miss a much, but could this mean I'm over possessive.
(24:47):
I'll do an episode on that. Nick, thank you for
that review. I love you also dropping in questions in
the reviews. It's helpful for me. Thank you so much.
I appreciate you. Can't wait to see you next time.
It's you soon. M
People don't care how much you know until they know
how much you care. And people know that you care
when you talk to them in their language. If you're
not communicating to someone in their language, they don't resonate
in the same way as if you were talking to
someone who doesn't speak English. You could be kind, caring
and loving, but they're still not going to understand you.
You're not going to get through to them. Hey. Everyone,
(00:28):
welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast
in the world. Thanks to each and every one of
you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now,
the reviews, the energy, the sharing of this show have
just been so special. It's been so heart touching. I've
(00:51):
been traveling all over bumping into so many of you.
I love it when you come then tell me that
you're an on Purpose listener. It really means the world
to me because I feel like for those of you
who listen to me every week, we've really build a relationship.
Like you know me, you can hear him in your head,
you recognize my voice. But even on a deep level,
I feel like you understand me, and I feel like
(01:14):
I understand you too, because as I see you sharing
and I'm always looking out for your stories or your tweets.
I start to notice how there's certain things that resonate
with you, and I think to myself, Wow, we're really connected.
So I really feel a synergy with each and every
one of you that make time every week to listen,
to learn, and to grow. And I just want to
thank you for that, because I feel like then when
(01:38):
we meet, there's this deeper connection that we wouldn't have otherwise.
And what to speak of next year when I go
on tour. I'm so excited. In the next few weeks,
I'll be announcing my tour, which I want to tell
you about, which I cannot wait to share with you,
So make sure you're ready for that, and the launch
of my second book, which I am pumped and are
(02:00):
comming to tell you all about that. But I'm going
to say that we've got an exciting lined out. But
today I wanted to talk about the four types of
people that you're going to meet in your life and
how to effectively connect and communicate with them. And I
think one of the biggest challenges for all of us
(02:22):
is that we don't realize that everyone that we meet
is wired differently and everyone that we meet is motivated differently.
We are always shocked when someone doesn't align with us,
when we should be more shocked when someone does align
(02:44):
with us. It is actually more likely for you to
meet people who think differently than people who think alike.
And that is why our dearest friends, our family, the
people that we spend the most time with, they're usually
a smaller number than the people we know. Like if
I asked you how many people are you close to?
How many people do you feel deeply connected with? Most
(03:07):
people would say I can count them on my hand,
And most of us would say, well, it's few and
far between. Maybe you're someone who has one person who
knows you really well, maybe of two, maybe a five maximum.
But you may know one hundred and fifty people. You
may know two hundred and fifty people. All right, you're
really popular, I get it. You know five hundred people,
(03:29):
all right, But think about that as a percentage. That
is such a small percentage of the amount of people
you know, acquaintances, you have, people you've come across, versus
the people that you know deeply and the people that
know you deeply. And therefore, if you find people who
are aligned in values, aligned in the way you think,
it's very rare. So today I'm going to introduce you
(03:52):
to the four types of people you'll meet in this world,
in life, in work, in relationships, and hopefully after this episode,
what you're going to get is you're going to understand
how to connect and communicate with each different type so
that you don't feel unequipped. How many times in a
conversation at work do you feel I don't know what
(04:14):
to say, Or maybe you're introduced to someone new and
you're like, I don't get why they think about that first,
Or you start dating someone and you wonder, why do
they have different priorities? And we start to realize that
personality types and the way we're set up and the
way we're wired has a big impact on this. Now,
(04:36):
I'm going to caveat by saying that there's four types
i'm introducing you to today. Really there's sixteen types, and actually,
if you really look to the world, there's sixty four types.
So when we simplify it to four, you're going to
see a lot of crossovers because it's more complex than that.
But I don't think you need me to describe sixty
(04:57):
four types. So I think four is a good place
to start. So the way you can quickly identify this
is by asking two questions that divides these four parts.
And as you're listening to me, you can do this
questionnaire on yourself and you can think about the people
that you meet, the people that you know, and the
(05:17):
people that you work with. So the first question is
are you more outgoing or are you more reserved? Now,
whether you're outgoing or reserved, these are both confident. It's
just that you have a different wiring. So the outgoing
person is the life of the party. They start conversations,
They generate discussions. Often they facilitate the conversation. The reserved
(05:41):
person may be quieter. They may find one person to
connect with, They may get into a deep intimate discussion.
They may listen more, they talk, and then they observe more.
So answer that question for yourself, are you more outgoing
or reserved? And people who say they're both that it's
not necessarily true because we choose one over the other
(06:01):
when we're feeling our best. When you're feeling your best,
are you outgoing or are you reserved? So pick one
o or are? Now? The second question is are you
more people focused or task focused. If your people focused,
you're thinking about people's experience, how people feel, how people think.
If your task focused, you're focused on what do I
(06:23):
do first? What do I do next? Okay, if I
do that, then I can do that. You get obsessed
with your to do lists. You get obsessed with all
of the tasks of the day. You think about tasks
before people, or if your people first, you think about
people before tasks. We all think about both, but we
think about one before the other. Are you people or
(06:45):
are you task? You care about both, but which one
do you think about first? So now you should have
two letters. You will leave it to be outgoing and
task OT, or you'll be outgoing in people OP, or
you'll be reserved and task RT, or you'll be reserved
(07:08):
and people are P. So you could be one of
those four types, and everyone you know in the world
can be broken down into one of those four types
in order to help you. I often use this when
I'm hiring in the workplace because I want to be
surrounded by people who compliment my skill sets and strengths.
I often think about this in my own relationship as
(07:31):
to how to communicate better with my wife and today,
I'm going to actually share with you which ones we
are and how we communicate differently. So let's start withoutgoing
and task ot. These people are doers, their planners, their schedulers.
They get things done, they make things happen. They're drivers.
(07:53):
These people are dedicated to getting the job done. Often
they're moving so fast people can get upset. Often they're
moving so hard that people get burned. And so you
start to recognize that there's a lot of strengths to
this personality type, and naturally with all of them, you're
(08:15):
going to hear about their weaknesses. Now, this person is fantastic,
and if you are going to communicate with them, if
you're going to talk to that person, you want to
be organized. You want to be prepared for the meeting.
You want to be able to be clear about what
the goal is, what the target is, and what the
(08:37):
path is. So let's say you're dating someone who's like this.
If you're going to have a conversation with them about
where you want to go on vacation, they're going to
be easier to engage when they can see options, they
can see plans. If you go up to them and go,
where do you want to go. They might have a
plan themselves, but if you're taking on the responsibility, chances
(08:59):
are they're going to expect you to have a plan
because that's how they think people want to be communicated
to in their emotional language, not yours. So yes, they
might have planned, and they may be ahead of the
game already, but chances are if you took the responsibility,
you'd need to do that now. If you have someone
like this at work, chances are they're already organized, they're
(09:20):
already four steps ahead. But now when you're doing your role,
if you want to be able to make them listen,
if you want to communicate with them in a way
that they're going to hear you, they need to hear
that you have really thought about the timeline or you're
interested in that approach from them. They need to understand
that you realize the value of getting things done in
(09:43):
plans and schedules. If they don't hear that in the
way you speak, if they don't understand that from the
way you come across, they actually start to disengage. Notice now,
think about it, how many times you've talked to someone
like this and you've realized you've valienated them right now,
raise your hand if you Oh wow, Jay, this was
a moment for me. You just blew my mind because
(10:04):
now I know why that person never resonates with me,
because I'm always trying to be kind to them. I'm
always trying to be caring to them, but I don't
care about what they care about. Right. There's a famous
statement that says, people don't care how much you know
until they know how much you care. And people know
that you care when you talk to them in their language.
(10:26):
So I used to always think, if you're kind, if
you're loving, if you're caring, then that's what communication needs
to be. And while that's true, if you're not communicating
to someone in their language, they don't resonate in the
same way as if you were talking to someone who
doesn't speak English. You could be kind, caring and loving,
but they're still not going to understand you. You're not
(10:47):
going to get through to them. And so I think
for all of us we have to be really conscious,
we have to be really aware of whether we're getting
through to people. Now, the next time that was OT,
let's talk about op so op. These people are influencers,
(11:07):
they're ideators, they're highly persuasive, they're negotiators, they're good at sales.
These people are the people that love talking, they love ideating.
They have a lot of high energy. They often bring
a lot of energy into a conversation. They're highly motivated.
They have that bright spark about them. Right, and this
(11:29):
type of person, one of the things that's really interesting
about them is that they want to be creative. They
want to be recognized, they want to be validated. And
if you're communicating with someone like this, you want to
allow them to be open and creative. You want to
let that person lead and innovate. Now, you can also
(11:50):
see naturally that if you are this person, you're going
to flourish in environments where you get to express your creativity.
The biggest mistaken is often you're waiting for someone to
allow you space to be creative. Often you're waiting for
someone to let you be creative. And the truth is
(12:10):
that you are going to have to show it because
most people don't think like you and don't have time
to think about these things. They don't have time to think, oh, yeah,
this person needs me to let them be creative. This
person needs to let them be blue sky thinking. This
person needs to let me to let them brainstorm. It
doesn't work that way, and so I want you to
(12:31):
recognize that with these individuals you have to really give
them space. Notice how different it is when you're talking
to the OT. You need to be organized, prepared, clear
about the golden path. With the OP, you need to
tell them where we're going, but they need to feel
(12:52):
like they can populate their ideas and energy. They need
to feel involved and included in the creative aspect it.
They may not want to implement. So maybe you have
a partners always coming up with amazing ideas but they
never implement. It's not because they don't care. It's because
they're wired that way, where their energy goes into creative
just as in the OT the energy goes into planning.
(13:15):
So if you're dating someone who's an OT, they may
not come up with the most creative things to do,
but they'll always turn up on time, they'll always be
organized about it. So start to notice how a lot
of the traits that we experience in the people we love.
I'm not saying that if someone cares about you that
they won't be different, but there is an aspect of
us of how we're wired that limits us because in
(13:37):
the OT, the creative energy goes into getting things done,
and in the OP the creative energy goes in actually
coming up with cool ideas, new things. Now, you can
already see the conflicts too. Let me just raise that point.
You can already see the conflicts. If an OT is
talking to an OP, there's conflict. The OT just wants
(13:58):
to get things done, he wants to be creative. You
can see a natural conflict, a natural issue, and the
only way to solve that is by the OP saying
to the OT or right, I would love for you
to tell me the timeline so that I can have
space to be creative and innovative. Right, So the OP
(14:18):
commits to a timeline and a realistic timeline. Stress, anxiety, overwhelm, burnout.
What do all of these have in common? A lack
of perceived control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But
(14:39):
what if I told you fixing all of these problems
is as simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know,
not simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we
could all use more calm in our lives, and learning
to stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice.
That's why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring
(15:01):
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one is reserved in task. These people are calculative, they're cautious,
(15:46):
they are accurate, they're data driven, they're perfectionists. Often they
want to get everything just right now. If you're talking
to this person, you want to be extremely specific. You
want to go with insight and data. You want to
go with research. You want to know because they're going
to know all the details, and they want to know
do you know all the details? Have you thought about it?
Have you considered the different various things. So with this individual,
(16:11):
they're like a calculator. They're going to calculate everything. So
you go up to your partner and you say, to
your partner, I want to buy a new dining table. Right.
If that person is a calculator, they're going to start
calculating how much you've already spent, how much the budget is,
and what is left. And they're either going to get
upset because they think you haven't thought about it, or
(16:32):
they're going to say, well, how much is it and
if you say, oh, well, I haven't really thought about it,
they get triggered. That's how this works. We get triggered
because we're wired to prioritize that. Imagine you're wired to
think about something first, and you think the person talking
to you hasn't thought about that. Often we tell that
person's snappy or that person's insensitive, But it's not always that.
(16:54):
It could be that, of course, but it often is
the idea that they haven't really been approaching this with
the foresight that you may have thought about this. So
if you're communicating with someone at work who's reserved and task,
you want to get specific with them. You want to
think about how you can really connect with them based
(17:15):
on data, insight, and solutions based on that. The fourth
type is the reserved and people. This person cares about
people first. They care about people's feelings. They're emotionally intelligent,
they're highly stable and supportive. They're good mediators, They're good
(17:37):
at dealing with challenges. Have you noticed how some of
your friends are just really good at helping with issues
and others are just pushing you to get on with it? Right,
So the OT is just telling you to get on
with it. The OP wants to talk to you about it,
but may not have a plan. The reserved and task
(17:58):
is calculating and logic trying to break it down. And
then finally the reserved in people it's just listening, trying
to understand you. That's how we're wired. You may think
the other person doesn't care, but their style of care
is different. Someone may care about you by wanting you
to move on. Someone may care about you by giving
(18:19):
you ideas. Someone may care about you about being specific,
and someone may care about you about listening to your emotions.
Notice how all those types of care are useful in
different areas. So it's not that people don't care. It's
that they care differently, And I think we get that
misconstrued because we think that care should be the same thing.
(18:41):
It should just be affectionist. But I've found that sometimes
I choose because of my wiring to be assertively affectionate
or affectionately assertive. So that's my way of being where
I want to be affectionate, but I also want to
be assertive. But some people would just give you affect.
That doesn't mean that the affectionately assertive person doesn't care
(19:03):
about you. Now, that doesn't mean people don't need to change,
and it doesn't mean people don't need to evolve and
develop emotional intelligence. It's just that someone may care about you,
they may just express it differently. And of course this
gets complex now if you are in a company with
someone who is reserved and people, they often don't get
(19:25):
hurt because they're caring so much about people, they never
get hurt. People don't often know how they feel. The
people that listen to how you feel are often unheard
and unseen. Write that down. That's really important. People that
make time to listen to you are often unheard and
unseen themselves because they're trying to feel what you feel,
(19:48):
and no one ever asked them how they feel? Right,
no one ever asked them how they feel. So for
those people, if you're dating them, if you're in work
with them, make sure you stop, pause, reflect and ask
them how they're doing. Check in with them, see how
they're feeling. Now, what I love about this is that
an ideal company, an ideal family, an ideal relationship has
(20:09):
all of these. There's a beautiful statement by Albert Einstein
where he said that everyone's a genius, but if you
judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree,
it will spend its whole life believing that it's stupid. Fascinating, right,
amazing how that so easily happens. I want you to
(20:29):
recognize that the people in your life are talented, they
are skilled, they are able. It's just that they think
differently in the workplace. There's this great conversation between Steve
Jobs and Steve WASN'TIAC and Steve WASN'TIAC. The tech brains
behind Apple looks at Steve Jobs and says, what do
you even do? You're not an engineer, you're not an artist,
(20:50):
you're not a code or what do you do? And
Steve Jobs said musicians played their instruments. I played the orchestra,
which means he knew that he couldn't do all of this,
but he could bring people together to do all of it. Now,
I'll give you an example with me and RADI. So
I am an OP. I'm outgoing and I'm people oriented.
(21:10):
It suits what I do for work, it suits my personality,
and I have adopted different traits from other personality types
to make me more well rounded. But over time, I've
developed more of the emotionally intelligent person because I care
about people deeply. But I've also developed more of the
task oriented person because I want to get things done.
(21:32):
But I choose to surround myself because I'm an OP.
I choose to surround myself with more reserved and task
because that's an opposite to me. I'm not usually detail oriented.
I don't like to focus on all the specifics. I
like to have people on my team focus on things
like that, right Rather, my wife is more likely to
(21:53):
be reserved in people. So I'm outgoing in people and
she's reserved in people. Now, how does that affect us
in our relationship? It means I need to make time
to really check in with her, to make sure she
has space for her to tell me how she feels,
for her to have space to reflect to her, to
have time to think about it. She doesn't always want
(22:14):
to be dragged to events, She doesn't always want to
go out and meet new people. She wants to be
in the comfort of being around people she knows, people
she trusts. So I have to be mindful of those things.
I have to be conscious of those things that that's
what she's looking for. And that's not because she doesn't
love our life and she doesn't love me. It's because
she's wired differently, and same with me. I like to
(22:36):
meet new people, I like to go to new places.
I also like my friends. I also recharge a lot
by being alone and spending time alone. And so when
we start to realize that our differences are not because
we're disconnected from each other. Are differences are because we're different,
we're wired differently, and we start to recognize that we
(22:57):
don't take things personally. The problem is we take a
lot of these things very personally. So I hope this
helps you in work in relationships, in life moving forward,
because I think too many of us don't recognize how
we take life to personally make life very difficult when
actually it's so much about how the other person is
(23:20):
actually wired. Now, I want to thank you for listening
to today's episode. I really hope it does help you
in work and in life. And I want to take
a moment now at the end to just read a
few reviews, because we've had some amazing reviews lately, and
I just want to point out we've got nineteen thousand reviews.
My goal this year from on purpose, from all of
you is to get to twenty thousand. So we're nearly there,
(23:42):
but I need your help and then we'll of course
see how many more we can get to. But here's
an amazing review from sun Rose. Thank you so much,
Jay for providing us all with such great content and knowledge.
I was going through a really difficult time when I
coincidentally discovered your podcasts. I've also bought your book, and
they both have helped me tremendously. It has been a
(24:03):
little over a year that I started listening to you.
You have been a great help to me becoming a
better version of myself. Thank you. That was beautiful Rose.
Thank you so much for sending that. This is Nick
sing I appreciate your podcast tremendously as a person who
recently divorced five years ago and now trying to build
on a new relationship with somebody I love dearly. Your
(24:26):
podcast has given me plenty of insight about my anxiety
and fear of being alone. What I'd like to learn
is how to be alone and love myself. What tips
can I follow? It's been difficult for me to be
away from my girlfriend while she and I are traveling
separately and away from each other for three weeks. I
miss a much, but could this mean I'm over possessive.
(24:47):
I'll do an episode on that. Nick, thank you for
that review. I love you also dropping in questions in
the reviews. It's helpful for me. Thank you so much.
I appreciate you. Can't wait to see you next time.
It's you soon. M
Host
Jay Shetty
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