November 21, 2025 • 28 mins
What’s one thing you wish you learned earlier in life?
What do you think would’ve changed for you if you learned it sooner?
Today, Jay reflects on the lessons he wishes he’d learned in his twenties and thirties, wisdom shaped by mistakes, growth, and years of inner work. He opens up about how easy it is to get swept up in chasing outcomes or living for other people’s expectations, and how those patterns can quietly pull us away from our true path. Jay also explains why success and happiness are completely different skill sets, and how understanding that early on can save you years of unnecessary frustration.
Jay also talks honestly about what healing really feels like, the side no one prepares you for. He explains that growth doesn’t always look inspiring; sometimes it shows up as exhaustion, confusion, or feeling like everything is falling apart. But that discomfort is often just old patterns breaking down so new ones can take shape. Through empathy, personal stories, and practical insights, Jay walks us through the “decade of firsts,” from first jobs to first heartbreaks, and reminds us that feeling lost isn’t failure. It’s a natural part of becoming someone stronger, clearer, and more aligned with who you’re meant to be.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Hear Your Inner Voice Again
How to Define Success on Your Own Terms
How to Build Confidence Through Self-Trust
How to Turn Rejection Into Insight
How to Break Free From Others’ Expectations
How to Heal Even When It Feels Messy
You’re not behind, you’re growing at the pace your life is asking you to grow. Keep showing up with curiosity, patience, and compassion for yourself. You’re building something meaningful, even on the days it doesn’t feel like it.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
00:42 #1: Results Are Overrated
04:54 #2: Tune Out The Noise
07:44 #3: Success Doesn’t Equal Happiness
10:30 #4: Confidence Comes From Self-Trust
12:47 Four Habits That Will Transform Your Life
14:10 #5: Rejection Isn’t Personal
17:20 How to Handle Rejection Better
22:32 Four Signs You’re Healing
24:51 Confusion in Your 20s Isn’t Failure
25:29 How to Protect Your Peace
26:07 #6: Anchor to Values, Not Validation
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the biggest lesson you can learn in your
twenties and thirties. Most rejections are not about you. When
you stop personalizing rejection, you stop fearing it. When something
negative happens, we assume it's a reflection of us. It's
a cognitive distortion, a mental habit of turning randomness into
(00:23):
self blame. In truth, rejection often says less about who
you are and more about how many others were in line.
The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Set Jay,
Sheety Jay Sick. If you're in your twenties or thirties,
no one's going to tell you this, not your friends,
(00:45):
not your parents, not even the people who love you.
But if you don't hear it now, you might waste
the most important decade of your life chasing the wrong things.
I'm thirty eight and I do anything to go back
and shake the younger me. So before you scroll, just
give me a few minutes. This might be the conversation
(01:07):
that saves you years of pain. I'm going to share
with you the lessons I wish I knew in my twenties,
and I really believe that if I knew these as conscious,
intentional lessons, So many things would have shifted for me now.
The first lesson is results are overrated. Obsession with outcomes
(01:28):
is why you're miserable in your twenties and thirties. You're
bombarded with highlight reels, followers funding six figure salaries. Everyone's
chasing the trophy, but no one asks do I actually
want the process it takes to get there. I call
it the one percent principle. You see one percent of
(01:49):
someone's life and you think you want it. You see
the vacations, the home, the parties, or the car, and
naturally you think to yourself, that is what I want.
But it's not how bad you want it. It's about
the systems you're willing to create and commit to in
order to get there. Michael Phelps the unbelievable Olympic champion.
(02:12):
His training volume is five to six hours a day,
six days a week, roughly eighty thousand meters that's fifteen
miles weekly at peak. He also did three strength training
sessions weekly, weight training, core, and stretching. His rest time
rarely took a full day off. Before the Olympics. Michael
(02:35):
Phelps said, it's not talent, it's repetition. I swam every
single day for six years, not one day off. Krishana
Ronaldo five sessions a week, ninety to one hundred and
twenty minutes each. Recovery sessions include cryotherapy, stretching, hydrotherapy, cold plunges.
(02:56):
Sleep is seven and a half hours, broken into five
nineteen minute cycles based on sleep science and his diet
six small meals a day, heavy and lean protein and
complex carbs, and Simone Biles training six hours a day,
six days a week, two sessions per day, morning and afternoon.
(03:18):
Her recovery Sundays off, prioritizing therapy mindfulness as much as
physical training. Simone Biles said, it's not just training the body,
it's training the mind. Here's what I've learned. I've never
met a strong person who hasn't made sacrifices. I've never
met a strong person whose life went according to plan.
(03:40):
I've never met a strong person who didn't cry in
private and still show up in public. I've never met
a strong person who didn't lose something, a dream, a friend,
a version of themselves to become who they are now.
I've never met a strong person who didn't have nights
when everything felt pointless, but they still showed up. The
(04:03):
next day, sometimes it looks like surviving one more day.
When I first met the monks and admired them for
their peace, I thought I want that. But then I
saw their life waking up at four am, four to
eight hours of meditation, total surrender. That's when it clicked.
(04:24):
You don't get their peace without living their process, and
suddenly chasing only results felt like a trap. Think of
someone you admire, now ask yourself, would I be happy
living their exact daily routine, not just their wins, but
their work, their habits, and their sacrifices. If the answer
(04:47):
is no, stop idolizing their life. Fall in love with
your own path instead. We live in a world right
now where we see one percent of someone's life and
we want that. We also call it the work ethic.
If you want to be in the one percent of people,
you have to have a one percent work ethic. You
(05:08):
can't want to be in the one percent and have
a fifty percent work ethic. It just won't add up.
Lesson number two, don't confuse noise for your own inner voice.
So many people in their twenties and thirties are exhausted
not from doing too much, but from trying to be
what everyone else expects. Parents, culture, friends, that noise drowns
(05:32):
out your actual desires. How many times have you ever
chosen a partner or a career because your friends would approve?
That leads to you living a life they're proud of,
not a life you're proud of. I remember I thought
I had to get a safe job. I thought I
couldn't take risks. After I got married, I thought I
(05:53):
shouldn't make content because that's not what I studied. We
create all of these barriers in our mind. If you've
ever felt stuck last or like you're falling behind in life,
listen closely. I created a free twenty one day journal
guide that's helped thousands rebuild their habits, find clarity, and
finally feel aligned toward a path of purpose. You'll get
(06:15):
step by step pages to reprogram your mindset shore up
with confidence, and become the version of you that actually
follows through. Click the first link in the description or
scan the QR code on screen to grab it now
for free. Don't just watch others transform, This is your moment.
Start yours. Two questions, what are you not doing because
(06:38):
someone else doesn't approve? Do it today? And number two
what are you doing just because someone else approves? Stop
doing it today. Whatever you're doing just for other people,
it's probably not worth it. And whatever you're avoiding because
other people won't like it, that's probably where all you're
(07:00):
meaning and purposes. You can't chase what looks good online
and expect it to feel good inside. You can't chase
someone else's goals and expect to feel happy. You can't
live for approval and still feel at peace. You can't
keep climbing someone else's mountain and wonder why the view
(07:22):
feels wrong, because fulfillment doesn't come from winning, comes from
a lining. When your actions match your values, peace follows.
I remember my math tutor once told me you're not
stuck because of the problem. You're stuck because you're afraid
of what your parents will think of you if you fail.
(07:44):
That line hit me so hard. I realized I was
chasing their goals and even that I was doing it poorly.
One of my favorite quotes is from Jim Carrey, where
he said, you might fail doing something you don't love,
so you might as well fail doing something you actually love.
(08:06):
It's better to fail doing what you care about than
to fail trying to live up to someone else's expectations.
Here's what I want you to do. Write down the
three loudest voices in your head, parents, bosses, friends, whomever.
Then ask if these opinions didn't exist, what would I
(08:28):
actually want? What would I actually do? That's where your
real voice lives. Follow that lesson Number three. Success and
happiness are two separate roads. Being successful won't make you happy,
and being happy won't make you successful. This idea that
(08:51):
if you're better, you'll attract more doesn't always work. There
are strategies for success and there are habits for happiness.
Do you know the strategies for success in your industry?
Have you watched other people and learned what they're doing?
Do you know the habits for happiness? Rest, meditation, connection, belonging.
(09:12):
Of course, the two intersect, but knowing their separate roads
will save you time. You go to New York to
do business and you go to Barley on vacation. There's
separate journeys you take. We think climbing higher will make
us feel lighter. We think more money means more meaning.
We think the finish line will finally bring peace. But
(09:36):
success and happiness don't live in the same place. Success
lives in the mind, it's about achieving. Happiness lives in
the heart. It's about feeling. You can win the award
and still feel empty. You can reach the goal and
still feel lost. You can have everything people told you
(09:57):
would make you happy and still wake up wondering why
you're not. Because success is external its applause, recognition, achievement.
Happiness is internal, its alignment, gratitude, and peace. In your
twenties and thirties, everyone will tell you their definition of success.
(10:19):
Just make sure you take the time to come up
with your own definition. Learn to listen to your inner
voice in your twenties and thirties. It's the voice inside
you that's quiet, that's whispering. It doesn't force you, it
doesn't motivate you through fear. It just speaks to you.
(10:40):
The difference between your intuition and your mind is that
your mind tells you what's right and wrong. It's loud,
it makes you feel fearful. Your intuition gives you choices
and options. It's quiet and graceful. It's thoughtful, and it
really wants what's best for you, so it motivates you
(11:04):
through love, not fear. In your twenties and thirties, you
have the opportunity to start listening to that voice. If
you ignore that voice, it becomes quieter as you get older.
If you listen to that voice, it becomes louder as
you get older. Lesson number four, You think confidence arrives
after you achieve something, but research from the University of
(11:27):
Melbourne shows its built by small acts to follow through.
It's not about being certain, it's about believing you'll figure
it out. I remember this quote I once read it said,
confidence isn't they'll like me. Confidences I'll be okay even
if they don't. Confidence isn't I know what I'm doing.
(11:49):
It's I can handle what happens next. What's really interesting
is that when we believe that external success makes us
more confident, the truth is external successes can actually reduce confidence.
External success can actually reduce real confidence. If it isn't
built on self trust, you start depending on applause instead
(12:12):
of integrity. You feel powerful only when things go right.
Psychologists call this contingent self worth. Your value is conditional
on outcomes. People with self trust, on the other hand,
have non contingent confidence, growded in inner consistency, not results.
(12:34):
External success builds ego. Internal consistency builds confidence. Here's the
science behind it, the self efficacy loop by Albert Bandura
from Stanford University. Bandura's foundational research on self efficacy showed
that confidence is built not from success itself, but from
the interpretation of success and failure. When you interpret setbacks
(12:59):
as dat to not personal flaws, your self efficacy rises.
Think about that for a second. When you look at
failure as something to learn from, as data as insight,
you actually feel more confident than even if you one.
This is why people with self trust bounce back faster.
They see failure as feedback, not proof that they're incapable.
(13:23):
Every time you survive a challenge, your brain collects evidence
that you can trust yourself, says the research. Here are
four habits that will change your life. Number one, don't
break promises you make to yourself. Even micro habits count
They train reliability. Number two, do the hard things on purpose.
(13:48):
Voluntary discomfort like cold showers, workouts, or difficult conversations build
self trust that you can survive stress. Number three track evidence,
not outcomes. Each time you act despite fear, record it.
It trains your brain to notice resilience instead of perfection,
(14:10):
and for separate your identity from your results when things
go wrong, say this didn't work, not I failed. That
linguistic shift rewires attribution patterns and preserves self efficacy. Confidence
doesn't come from winning, It comes from learning through loss.
(14:32):
Confidence doesn't come from being right. It comes from staying
curious even when you're wrong. The next lesson is most
rejection isn't personal. It's statistical. In dating, work, or life,
rejection often feels like a judgment of your worth, but
behavioral economists call it base rate neglect, ignoring probability. Most
(14:58):
knows aren't about you, they're about timing numbers fit. This
is the biggest lesson you can learn in your twenties
and thirties. Most rejections are not about you. When you
stop personalizing rejection, you stop fearing it. Here's the psychology
of personalization. Humans have what psychologists call a personalization bias.
(15:23):
When something negative happens, we assume it's a reflection of us.
It's a cognitive distortion, a mental habit of turning randomness
into self blame. In truth, rejection often says less about
who you are and more about how many others were
in line. You apply for a job with five hundred applicants,
(15:45):
you put your book to thirty publishers. You ask someone
out who's emotionally unavailable. That's not about your inadequacy, it's
about math. Economists call this base rate neglect, ignoring the
statistical odds of an hour and assuming it's uniquely personal.
If a company hires one percent of applicants, your rejection
(16:07):
was ninety nine percent predictable before they even opened your resume. Yet,
when we get the know, our brain doesn't think ninety
nine percent odds. It thinks I'm not good enough. We
mistake statistics for self worth. Let me give you a
(16:43):
dating example. Rejection feels most personal in love, but even
there it's often situational, not personal. A twenty eighteen Stanford
study on online dating found that only about twelve percent
of matches led to a single date, and only two
percent led to something long term. That means ninety eight
(17:05):
percent of romantic outcomes are statistical mismatch, not emotional failure.
Compatibility is a numbers game dressed up as fate. Now
let's look at it from the perspective of work. Organizational
psychology calls this person organization fit. You could be brilliant,
(17:25):
but in the wrong environment the fits off. Rejection is
often just misalignment, not misperformance. If you can detach rejection
from identity, it stops being a wound and becomes data
data about timing, data about alignment, data about where your
value is actually seen. As the famous saying goes, it's
(17:50):
not rejection, it's redirection. It's the universe's filtering mechanism. So
how do we do that? How do you actually prepare
yourself to not take rejection personally? Number one name the
bias separate emotion from evidence. When you're rejected, your brain's
(18:12):
threat center, the amigdala, activates as if you're in danger.
That's because evolutionarily, rejection once meant exile separation from the tribe.
To override that ancient wiring, you have to move from
reaction to reflection next time you get rejected, literally ask yourself,
(18:34):
is this rejection about me? Or about probability? That simple
question activates your prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain
that regulates perspective and reduces emotional overreaction. This is called
cognitive reframing from I'm not good enough to this outcome
(18:54):
wasn't aligned. The next thing you can do is practice
micro rejections. Disposure therapy works deliberately. Put yourself in small,
low stake situations where you might get a note but
it doesn't really matter. Ask for a discount at a
coffee shop. They'll say no, so what. Pitch a small
(19:14):
idea to someone new, post something vulnerable online. Each time
you survive a know your nervous system learns I can
handle this. Confidence is built through emotional repetition. Don't take
everything so personally. Don't assume you did something wrong just
(19:37):
because someone pulled away. Don't read too much into a
delayed text or a short reply. Life gets heavy even
for people who care. Don't turn every quiet moment into
a story about your worth. Don't carry other people's moods
like their proof you failed them. And the last one
(19:58):
but not least. Healing doesn't always feel like healing. Sometimes
it feels like losing interest in things that once excited you,
Like being bored when you used to be busy. That's regulation.
Your nervous system is learning peace, not apathy. Healing is quiet, awkward,
(20:19):
and often mistaken for emptiness. When we picture healing, we
imagine lightness. Calm mornings, gratitude, journals, peace, But the reality
healing often feels like exhaustion, disinterest, grief, or emotional whiplash.
It doesn't always look like becoming better. Sometimes it looks
(20:40):
like falling apart in new ways. This is why healing
feels messy. Therapists call this the disintegration phase. It's when
your old coping mechanisms stop working, but your new ones
haven't fully formed yet. You're not who you were, but
you're not who you're becoming either. During this stage, your
(21:01):
nervous system is recalibrating. That can feel like losing interest
in people or habits that once energized you. It can
look like feeling tired or numb after years of running
on adrenaline. It can look like grieving a version of
yourself that only new survival. This is not regression, it's recalibration.
(21:22):
You're not falling apart. You're outgrowing the ways you held
yourself together. Let me say that again. You're not falling apart.
You're outgrowing the ways that you held yourself together. Your
brain is rewiring. Healing literally changes your brain when you
break old patterns like people pleasing, overworking, or emotional avoidance,
(21:44):
your brain's neural pathways weaken. New pathways built on calm,
boundaries and self trust start to form. But here's the catch.
Rewiring the brain takes time and energy, and that process
can feel fatiguing. It's like learning to walk again. You stumble,
you tire, your question if it's worth it, But every
(22:06):
step strengthens a new pattern of peace. Here's the emotional side.
Healing means you might actually feel worse before you feel free.
Psychologists call this the extinction burst. When you stop feeding
an unhealthy pattern, your brain resists. You might miss the
chaos you once complained about. You might miss people who
(22:29):
hurt you. You might even romanticize the pain because it's familiar.
That spike in discomfort isn't failure. It's the final gasp
of an old habit Dying. Healing doesn't mean you're broken.
Growth and grief are twins. You can become new without
(22:49):
mourning what was old. That's why healing can feel like sadness, boredom,
or emptiness. Your nervous system is detoxing from intensity. If
peace feels strange, that's because your body has been addicted
to survival mode. If calm feels foreign, it's because chaos
was once home. How to know your healing when it
(23:11):
doesn't feel like it. Number one, you're triggered less often,
even if you still feel emotional. Number two, you pause
before reacting, even if it still hurts. Number three, you
rest without guilt, even if it's uncomfortable. Number four, you
don't chase closure, you create it. You're finally feeling what
(23:36):
you used to run from, and that's progress disguised as discomfort.
Healing doesn't always feel like healing. Healing is not the
absence of pain. It's the ability to be present with
your pain. Healing doesn't always feel like healing. Sometimes it
feels like breaking all over again. Sometimes it feels like
(24:00):
getting worse before you get free. Sometimes it feels like
losing interest in things that once kept you alive. Sometimes
it feels like peace, but your body doesn't trust it yet.
And here's what I'll leave you with. Your twenties are
the decades of firsts. Your first job, your first real heartbreak,
(24:24):
your first apartment, your first rental payment, your first big mistake,
your first time realizing your parents are human and so
are you. Your first real friend who drifts away, your
first moment of feeling lost, alone, and completely unprepared. It's
a decade that feels like a test, but it's actually
(24:46):
a training ground. Understand the psychology of firsts. Every first
triggers what psychologists call identity disruption. It's the tension between
who you were and who you're becoming. Your brain literally
rewires through neuroplasticity, forming new neural pathways every time you
(25:08):
face uncertainty, failure, or novelty. So when you feel overwhelmed, confused,
or unsteady, that is your brain growing. It's not a
sign you're broken. It's a sign that you're building yourself.
Confusion in your twenties isn't failure. It's the feeling of
your mind expanding to fit your life. You will make mistakes.
(25:33):
You'll fall for people who aren't ready. You'll take jobs
that look good but feel wrong. You'll celebrate wins that
don't satisfy you and losses that free you. Your mistake
excitement for alignment and comfort for love. That's okay, you're
just collecting emotional data. Your twenties aren't about getting it right,
(25:59):
they're about getting the in. Here's how you prepare and
protect your peace. Expect uncertainty, don't fight it. You're not
supposed to have a five year plan that works in
your twenties or thirties. You're supposed to experiment, fail, and reorient.
Psychologists call this exploratory growth, trying things not to win,
(26:19):
but to learn. The second step build emotional tools, not timelines.
You need boundaries more than a blueprint. You need emotional
regulation more than motivation, and you need forgiveness more than blame,
especially for yourself. The next step is to anger the values,
(26:41):
not validation. You'll get flooded with opinions from family, from
social media, from your own fears. When in doubt, return
to what feels true, not what looks impressive. Instead of
seeing your twenties as the time to figure out your life,
see it as the time to practice living it, to try,
(27:02):
to fail, to feel, to rebuild. You're not late, You're
just getting started. Every first is not a final exam.
It's an initiation into a wiser version of you. You
will be okay. You'll chase people who see your potential
(27:23):
but never meet you there. You'll stay in jobs that
drain you because quitting feels like failing. You'll confuse being
needed with being loved. You'll confuse being busy with being fulfilled.
You'll say yes to things you outgrew because no still
(27:43):
feel selfish. You'll make choices to impress people who stop
paying attention years ago. You'll try to prove your worth
through productivity and burn out trying. You'll think you're behind
until you realize everyone else is pretending to be ahead.
You can learn these lessons at any age, at any stage.
(28:06):
I hope it sets you up for joy and success.
And remember I forever in your corner and always rooting
for you. Thank you so much for listening to this conversation.
If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat with Adam
Grant on why discomfort is the key to growth and
the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential. If you know
(28:29):
you want to be more and achieve more this year,
go check it out right now. You set a goal today,
you achieve it in six months, and then by the
time it happens, it's almost a relief. There's no sense
of meaning and purpose. You sort of expected it, and
you would have been disappointed if it didn't happen.
This is the biggest lesson you can learn in your
twenties and thirties. Most rejections are not about you. When
you stop personalizing rejection, you stop fearing it. When something
negative happens, we assume it's a reflection of us. It's
a cognitive distortion, a mental habit of turning randomness into
(00:23):
self blame. In truth, rejection often says less about who
you are and more about how many others were in line.
The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Set Jay,
Sheety Jay Sick. If you're in your twenties or thirties,
no one's going to tell you this, not your friends,
(00:45):
not your parents, not even the people who love you.
But if you don't hear it now, you might waste
the most important decade of your life chasing the wrong things.
I'm thirty eight and I do anything to go back
and shake the younger me. So before you scroll, just
give me a few minutes. This might be the conversation
(01:07):
that saves you years of pain. I'm going to share
with you the lessons I wish I knew in my twenties,
and I really believe that if I knew these as conscious,
intentional lessons, So many things would have shifted for me now.
The first lesson is results are overrated. Obsession with outcomes
(01:28):
is why you're miserable in your twenties and thirties. You're
bombarded with highlight reels, followers funding six figure salaries. Everyone's
chasing the trophy, but no one asks do I actually
want the process it takes to get there. I call
it the one percent principle. You see one percent of
(01:49):
someone's life and you think you want it. You see
the vacations, the home, the parties, or the car, and
naturally you think to yourself, that is what I want.
But it's not how bad you want it. It's about
the systems you're willing to create and commit to in
order to get there. Michael Phelps the unbelievable Olympic champion.
(02:12):
His training volume is five to six hours a day,
six days a week, roughly eighty thousand meters that's fifteen
miles weekly at peak. He also did three strength training
sessions weekly, weight training, core, and stretching. His rest time
rarely took a full day off. Before the Olympics. Michael
(02:35):
Phelps said, it's not talent, it's repetition. I swam every
single day for six years, not one day off. Krishana
Ronaldo five sessions a week, ninety to one hundred and
twenty minutes each. Recovery sessions include cryotherapy, stretching, hydrotherapy, cold plunges.
(02:56):
Sleep is seven and a half hours, broken into five
nineteen minute cycles based on sleep science and his diet
six small meals a day, heavy and lean protein and
complex carbs, and Simone Biles training six hours a day,
six days a week, two sessions per day, morning and afternoon.
(03:18):
Her recovery Sundays off, prioritizing therapy mindfulness as much as
physical training. Simone Biles said, it's not just training the body,
it's training the mind. Here's what I've learned. I've never
met a strong person who hasn't made sacrifices. I've never
met a strong person whose life went according to plan.
(03:40):
I've never met a strong person who didn't cry in
private and still show up in public. I've never met
a strong person who didn't lose something, a dream, a friend,
a version of themselves to become who they are now.
I've never met a strong person who didn't have nights
when everything felt pointless, but they still showed up. The
(04:03):
next day, sometimes it looks like surviving one more day.
When I first met the monks and admired them for
their peace, I thought I want that. But then I
saw their life waking up at four am, four to
eight hours of meditation, total surrender. That's when it clicked.
(04:24):
You don't get their peace without living their process, and
suddenly chasing only results felt like a trap. Think of
someone you admire, now ask yourself, would I be happy
living their exact daily routine, not just their wins, but
their work, their habits, and their sacrifices. If the answer
(04:47):
is no, stop idolizing their life. Fall in love with
your own path instead. We live in a world right
now where we see one percent of someone's life and
we want that. We also call it the work ethic.
If you want to be in the one percent of people,
you have to have a one percent work ethic. You
(05:08):
can't want to be in the one percent and have
a fifty percent work ethic. It just won't add up.
Lesson number two, don't confuse noise for your own inner voice.
So many people in their twenties and thirties are exhausted
not from doing too much, but from trying to be
what everyone else expects. Parents, culture, friends, that noise drowns
(05:32):
out your actual desires. How many times have you ever
chosen a partner or a career because your friends would approve?
That leads to you living a life they're proud of,
not a life you're proud of. I remember I thought
I had to get a safe job. I thought I
couldn't take risks. After I got married, I thought I
(05:53):
shouldn't make content because that's not what I studied. We
create all of these barriers in our mind. If you've
ever felt stuck last or like you're falling behind in life,
listen closely. I created a free twenty one day journal
guide that's helped thousands rebuild their habits, find clarity, and
finally feel aligned toward a path of purpose. You'll get
(06:15):
step by step pages to reprogram your mindset shore up
with confidence, and become the version of you that actually
follows through. Click the first link in the description or
scan the QR code on screen to grab it now
for free. Don't just watch others transform, This is your moment.
Start yours. Two questions, what are you not doing because
(06:38):
someone else doesn't approve? Do it today? And number two
what are you doing just because someone else approves? Stop
doing it today. Whatever you're doing just for other people,
it's probably not worth it. And whatever you're avoiding because
other people won't like it, that's probably where all you're
(07:00):
meaning and purposes. You can't chase what looks good online
and expect it to feel good inside. You can't chase
someone else's goals and expect to feel happy. You can't
live for approval and still feel at peace. You can't
keep climbing someone else's mountain and wonder why the view
(07:22):
feels wrong, because fulfillment doesn't come from winning, comes from
a lining. When your actions match your values, peace follows.
I remember my math tutor once told me you're not
stuck because of the problem. You're stuck because you're afraid
of what your parents will think of you if you fail.
(07:44):
That line hit me so hard. I realized I was
chasing their goals and even that I was doing it poorly.
One of my favorite quotes is from Jim Carrey, where
he said, you might fail doing something you don't love,
so you might as well fail doing something you actually love.
(08:06):
It's better to fail doing what you care about than
to fail trying to live up to someone else's expectations.
Here's what I want you to do. Write down the
three loudest voices in your head, parents, bosses, friends, whomever.
Then ask if these opinions didn't exist, what would I
(08:28):
actually want? What would I actually do? That's where your
real voice lives. Follow that lesson Number three. Success and
happiness are two separate roads. Being successful won't make you happy,
and being happy won't make you successful. This idea that
(08:51):
if you're better, you'll attract more doesn't always work. There
are strategies for success and there are habits for happiness.
Do you know the strategies for success in your industry?
Have you watched other people and learned what they're doing?
Do you know the habits for happiness? Rest, meditation, connection, belonging.
(09:12):
Of course, the two intersect, but knowing their separate roads
will save you time. You go to New York to
do business and you go to Barley on vacation. There's
separate journeys you take. We think climbing higher will make
us feel lighter. We think more money means more meaning.
We think the finish line will finally bring peace. But
(09:36):
success and happiness don't live in the same place. Success
lives in the mind, it's about achieving. Happiness lives in
the heart. It's about feeling. You can win the award
and still feel empty. You can reach the goal and
still feel lost. You can have everything people told you
(09:57):
would make you happy and still wake up wondering why
you're not. Because success is external its applause, recognition, achievement.
Happiness is internal, its alignment, gratitude, and peace. In your
twenties and thirties, everyone will tell you their definition of success.
(10:19):
Just make sure you take the time to come up
with your own definition. Learn to listen to your inner
voice in your twenties and thirties. It's the voice inside
you that's quiet, that's whispering. It doesn't force you, it
doesn't motivate you through fear. It just speaks to you.
(10:40):
The difference between your intuition and your mind is that
your mind tells you what's right and wrong. It's loud,
it makes you feel fearful. Your intuition gives you choices
and options. It's quiet and graceful. It's thoughtful, and it
really wants what's best for you, so it motivates you
(11:04):
through love, not fear. In your twenties and thirties, you
have the opportunity to start listening to that voice. If
you ignore that voice, it becomes quieter as you get older.
If you listen to that voice, it becomes louder as
you get older. Lesson number four, You think confidence arrives
after you achieve something, but research from the University of
(11:27):
Melbourne shows its built by small acts to follow through.
It's not about being certain, it's about believing you'll figure
it out. I remember this quote I once read it said,
confidence isn't they'll like me. Confidences I'll be okay even
if they don't. Confidence isn't I know what I'm doing.
(11:49):
It's I can handle what happens next. What's really interesting
is that when we believe that external success makes us
more confident, the truth is external successes can actually reduce confidence.
External success can actually reduce real confidence. If it isn't
built on self trust, you start depending on applause instead
(12:12):
of integrity. You feel powerful only when things go right.
Psychologists call this contingent self worth. Your value is conditional
on outcomes. People with self trust, on the other hand,
have non contingent confidence, growded in inner consistency, not results.
(12:34):
External success builds ego. Internal consistency builds confidence. Here's the
science behind it, the self efficacy loop by Albert Bandura
from Stanford University. Bandura's foundational research on self efficacy showed
that confidence is built not from success itself, but from
the interpretation of success and failure. When you interpret setbacks
(12:59):
as dat to not personal flaws, your self efficacy rises.
Think about that for a second. When you look at
failure as something to learn from, as data as insight,
you actually feel more confident than even if you one.
This is why people with self trust bounce back faster.
They see failure as feedback, not proof that they're incapable.
(13:23):
Every time you survive a challenge, your brain collects evidence
that you can trust yourself, says the research. Here are
four habits that will change your life. Number one, don't
break promises you make to yourself. Even micro habits count
They train reliability. Number two, do the hard things on purpose.
(13:48):
Voluntary discomfort like cold showers, workouts, or difficult conversations build
self trust that you can survive stress. Number three track evidence,
not outcomes. Each time you act despite fear, record it.
It trains your brain to notice resilience instead of perfection,
(14:10):
and for separate your identity from your results when things
go wrong, say this didn't work, not I failed. That
linguistic shift rewires attribution patterns and preserves self efficacy. Confidence
doesn't come from winning, It comes from learning through loss.
(14:32):
Confidence doesn't come from being right. It comes from staying
curious even when you're wrong. The next lesson is most
rejection isn't personal. It's statistical. In dating, work, or life,
rejection often feels like a judgment of your worth, but
behavioral economists call it base rate neglect, ignoring probability. Most
(14:58):
knows aren't about you, they're about timing numbers fit. This
is the biggest lesson you can learn in your twenties
and thirties. Most rejections are not about you. When you
stop personalizing rejection, you stop fearing it. Here's the psychology
of personalization. Humans have what psychologists call a personalization bias.
(15:23):
When something negative happens, we assume it's a reflection of us.
It's a cognitive distortion, a mental habit of turning randomness
into self blame. In truth, rejection often says less about
who you are and more about how many others were
in line. You apply for a job with five hundred applicants,
(15:45):
you put your book to thirty publishers. You ask someone
out who's emotionally unavailable. That's not about your inadequacy, it's
about math. Economists call this base rate neglect, ignoring the
statistical odds of an hour and assuming it's uniquely personal.
If a company hires one percent of applicants, your rejection
(16:07):
was ninety nine percent predictable before they even opened your resume. Yet,
when we get the know, our brain doesn't think ninety
nine percent odds. It thinks I'm not good enough. We
mistake statistics for self worth. Let me give you a
(16:43):
dating example. Rejection feels most personal in love, but even
there it's often situational, not personal. A twenty eighteen Stanford
study on online dating found that only about twelve percent
of matches led to a single date, and only two
percent led to something long term. That means ninety eight
(17:05):
percent of romantic outcomes are statistical mismatch, not emotional failure.
Compatibility is a numbers game dressed up as fate. Now
let's look at it from the perspective of work. Organizational
psychology calls this person organization fit. You could be brilliant,
(17:25):
but in the wrong environment the fits off. Rejection is
often just misalignment, not misperformance. If you can detach rejection
from identity, it stops being a wound and becomes data
data about timing, data about alignment, data about where your
value is actually seen. As the famous saying goes, it's
(17:50):
not rejection, it's redirection. It's the universe's filtering mechanism. So
how do we do that? How do you actually prepare
yourself to not take rejection personally? Number one name the
bias separate emotion from evidence. When you're rejected, your brain's
(18:12):
threat center, the amigdala, activates as if you're in danger.
That's because evolutionarily, rejection once meant exile separation from the tribe.
To override that ancient wiring, you have to move from
reaction to reflection next time you get rejected, literally ask yourself,
(18:34):
is this rejection about me? Or about probability? That simple
question activates your prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain
that regulates perspective and reduces emotional overreaction. This is called
cognitive reframing from I'm not good enough to this outcome
(18:54):
wasn't aligned. The next thing you can do is practice
micro rejections. Disposure therapy works deliberately. Put yourself in small,
low stake situations where you might get a note but
it doesn't really matter. Ask for a discount at a
coffee shop. They'll say no, so what. Pitch a small
(19:14):
idea to someone new, post something vulnerable online. Each time
you survive a know your nervous system learns I can
handle this. Confidence is built through emotional repetition. Don't take
everything so personally. Don't assume you did something wrong just
(19:37):
because someone pulled away. Don't read too much into a
delayed text or a short reply. Life gets heavy even
for people who care. Don't turn every quiet moment into
a story about your worth. Don't carry other people's moods
like their proof you failed them. And the last one
(19:58):
but not least. Healing doesn't always feel like healing. Sometimes
it feels like losing interest in things that once excited you,
Like being bored when you used to be busy. That's regulation.
Your nervous system is learning peace, not apathy. Healing is quiet, awkward,
(20:19):
and often mistaken for emptiness. When we picture healing, we
imagine lightness. Calm mornings, gratitude, journals, peace, But the reality
healing often feels like exhaustion, disinterest, grief, or emotional whiplash.
It doesn't always look like becoming better. Sometimes it looks
(20:40):
like falling apart in new ways. This is why healing
feels messy. Therapists call this the disintegration phase. It's when
your old coping mechanisms stop working, but your new ones
haven't fully formed yet. You're not who you were, but
you're not who you're becoming either. During this stage, your
(21:01):
nervous system is recalibrating. That can feel like losing interest
in people or habits that once energized you. It can
look like feeling tired or numb after years of running
on adrenaline. It can look like grieving a version of
yourself that only new survival. This is not regression, it's recalibration.
(21:22):
You're not falling apart. You're outgrowing the ways you held
yourself together. Let me say that again. You're not falling apart.
You're outgrowing the ways that you held yourself together. Your
brain is rewiring. Healing literally changes your brain when you
break old patterns like people pleasing, overworking, or emotional avoidance,
(21:44):
your brain's neural pathways weaken. New pathways built on calm,
boundaries and self trust start to form. But here's the catch.
Rewiring the brain takes time and energy, and that process
can feel fatiguing. It's like learning to walk again. You stumble,
you tire, your question if it's worth it, But every
(22:06):
step strengthens a new pattern of peace. Here's the emotional side.
Healing means you might actually feel worse before you feel free.
Psychologists call this the extinction burst. When you stop feeding
an unhealthy pattern, your brain resists. You might miss the
chaos you once complained about. You might miss people who
(22:29):
hurt you. You might even romanticize the pain because it's familiar.
That spike in discomfort isn't failure. It's the final gasp
of an old habit Dying. Healing doesn't mean you're broken.
Growth and grief are twins. You can become new without
(22:49):
mourning what was old. That's why healing can feel like sadness, boredom,
or emptiness. Your nervous system is detoxing from intensity. If
peace feels strange, that's because your body has been addicted
to survival mode. If calm feels foreign, it's because chaos
was once home. How to know your healing when it
(23:11):
doesn't feel like it. Number one, you're triggered less often,
even if you still feel emotional. Number two, you pause
before reacting, even if it still hurts. Number three, you
rest without guilt, even if it's uncomfortable. Number four, you
don't chase closure, you create it. You're finally feeling what
(23:36):
you used to run from, and that's progress disguised as discomfort.
Healing doesn't always feel like healing. Healing is not the
absence of pain. It's the ability to be present with
your pain. Healing doesn't always feel like healing. Sometimes it
feels like breaking all over again. Sometimes it feels like
(24:00):
getting worse before you get free. Sometimes it feels like
losing interest in things that once kept you alive. Sometimes
it feels like peace, but your body doesn't trust it yet.
And here's what I'll leave you with. Your twenties are
the decades of firsts. Your first job, your first real heartbreak,
(24:24):
your first apartment, your first rental payment, your first big mistake,
your first time realizing your parents are human and so
are you. Your first real friend who drifts away, your
first moment of feeling lost, alone, and completely unprepared. It's
a decade that feels like a test, but it's actually
(24:46):
a training ground. Understand the psychology of firsts. Every first
triggers what psychologists call identity disruption. It's the tension between
who you were and who you're becoming. Your brain literally
rewires through neuroplasticity, forming new neural pathways every time you
(25:08):
face uncertainty, failure, or novelty. So when you feel overwhelmed, confused,
or unsteady, that is your brain growing. It's not a
sign you're broken. It's a sign that you're building yourself.
Confusion in your twenties isn't failure. It's the feeling of
your mind expanding to fit your life. You will make mistakes.
(25:33):
You'll fall for people who aren't ready. You'll take jobs
that look good but feel wrong. You'll celebrate wins that
don't satisfy you and losses that free you. Your mistake
excitement for alignment and comfort for love. That's okay, you're
just collecting emotional data. Your twenties aren't about getting it right,
(25:59):
they're about getting the in. Here's how you prepare and
protect your peace. Expect uncertainty, don't fight it. You're not
supposed to have a five year plan that works in
your twenties or thirties. You're supposed to experiment, fail, and reorient.
Psychologists call this exploratory growth, trying things not to win,
(26:19):
but to learn. The second step build emotional tools, not timelines.
You need boundaries more than a blueprint. You need emotional
regulation more than motivation, and you need forgiveness more than blame,
especially for yourself. The next step is to anger the values,
(26:41):
not validation. You'll get flooded with opinions from family, from
social media, from your own fears. When in doubt, return
to what feels true, not what looks impressive. Instead of
seeing your twenties as the time to figure out your life,
see it as the time to practice living it, to try,
(27:02):
to fail, to feel, to rebuild. You're not late, You're
just getting started. Every first is not a final exam.
It's an initiation into a wiser version of you. You
will be okay. You'll chase people who see your potential
(27:23):
but never meet you there. You'll stay in jobs that
drain you because quitting feels like failing. You'll confuse being
needed with being loved. You'll confuse being busy with being fulfilled.
You'll say yes to things you outgrew because no still
(27:43):
feel selfish. You'll make choices to impress people who stop
paying attention years ago. You'll try to prove your worth
through productivity and burn out trying. You'll think you're behind
until you realize everyone else is pretending to be ahead.
You can learn these lessons at any age, at any stage.
(28:06):
I hope it sets you up for joy and success.
And remember I forever in your corner and always rooting
for you. Thank you so much for listening to this conversation.
If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat with Adam
Grant on why discomfort is the key to growth and
the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential. If you know
(28:29):
you want to be more and achieve more this year,
go check it out right now. You set a goal today,
you achieve it in six months, and then by the
time it happens, it's almost a relief. There's no sense
of meaning and purpose. You sort of expected it, and
you would have been disappointed if it didn't happen.
Host
Jay Shetty
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