June 3, 2022 • 29 mins
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Have you been truly in love? Have you loved someone so much they are always included in your plans? Have you been in a situation where you can’t wait to spend more time with the person you love? Being in love is rich, flavorful, and addictive. It changes you and how you see the world.
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty narrates the different signs that tell you are falling in love with someone and how to deal with your own feelings.
Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/
Key Takeaways:
- 00:00 Intro
- 02:02 Are you falling in love?
- 04:38 Sign #1: You start breathing in time with them
- 10:18 Sign #2: You generally have a more optimistic view on life
- 13:58 Sign #3: You have a similar sense of humor
- 17:46 Sign #4: You feel you can be honest with someone
- 22:04 Sign #5: You think about your partner when making plans
- 24:05 Sign #6: You are no longer looking for the flirty validation from someone
- 26:03 Sign #7: The feeling of aligned values
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This was a conversation that happened with someone else on
the street yesterday. They were saying that they feel that
when they open up to others, what they share will
one day be used against them, And I thought, how
sad is that that people in this world are experiencing
their intimacy turned into a weapon. When you're putting down
your shield, someone's using that as a weapon. That's really difficult.
(00:21):
That's a really challenging place to be. Hey, everyone, welcome
back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in
the world. Thanks to each and every single one of
you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now,
I just want to start off by saying that it
(00:44):
has been incredible to see the downloads, to see the
listens just go through the roof, because I know so
many of you are not just listening to one episode
a week, not just listening to two episodes a week.
Most of you are listening to an episode every single day.
And that truly blows my mind because it shows me
(01:06):
that we're living in a world that is hungry to grow,
hungry to improve, hungry to feel better. And I'm just
blown away on a daily basis seeing the love that
you continue to show me, and I just want you
to know that when I'm planning these sessions, when I'm
preparing for them, I'm thinking about each and every one
(01:27):
of you and hoping that I can share insights and
practical steps to helping you in your work, your relationships,
and your life. And I just want to thank you.
I bumped into so many of you this week. I
was in New York, speaking to strangers, speaking to some
of you on the streets. Whoever I bumped into, and
I had such a fulfilling time, and I just want
(01:49):
to say how much I deeply appreciate meeting you. And again,
I'm going to say this to you. If you see
me on the streets or anywhere, please say hello, because
it makes my day and I will give you a
massive argu if you tell me you listen to the podcast.
So today I'm talking about the seven scientifically proven ways
to know you're falling in love. I find this subject
(02:13):
matter so deeply fascinating because I believe that love is
one of those things that we're addicted to learning more about.
So a lot of the studies show that men might
experience feelings of love faster than women. Some say almost
six weeks earlier. But men are also the ones to
(02:34):
say I love you first. Even though what I find
most fascinating is a lot of the times when men
have said that, they also fall out of love faster
as well. And so men fall into love faster, and
they fall out of love faster as well. Study sure
that women might say I love you more often, and
(02:57):
women take a bit longer to fall in love, as
they are predisposed to being more thoughtful about using those
words and about making that decision. So what's really fascinating
about love is that we see people use this word
as being appropriate for many different feelings. Someone could just
(03:18):
be deeply attracted to you and they call it love.
Some people could just be admirers of you and they
call it love. Some people may just be lustful after
you and they call it love. And so we've got
to be really careful about the way we use the
word love, because the idea of love is in itself
(03:40):
so intoxicating that we don't always think about the use
of the word. So when I'm telling you today the
scientifically proven ways to know you're falling in love, we're
talking about the love that I'm defining as a love
that's going to last, a love that you're going to
invest in, a love that you're willing to put the
work into. I think for me, I know that I've
(04:02):
met people who could fall in last with a new
person every month, right literally every month. They would come
to me and say, I'm really into this person, I'm
really into this person. I'm really into this person. Oh yeah, no,
now I'm into this person. And if someone's looking for
that quick win, that quick feeling of pleasure, then that
can be a really good recipe. But for those of
(04:23):
us that want to have long lasting, deep fulfilling relationships
with one person, these are the signs that you're falling
in love with them. Some of them are going to
be ones that you recognize, some of them are going
to be ones that surprise you. So let's get going.
The first one that I want to share with you
is that this one. I mean, I'm sharing this one
(04:44):
with you, but this isn't the easiest one to measure.
But I know that all of you are going to
get a heart rate monitor or a stethoscope out after this,
even with your partners, even if you're dating already. This
one's brilliant. You've started breathing in time with them. How
amazing is that. Then when you start falling in love
with someone, you start breathing in time with them. So
(05:08):
studies show that humans start to emulate another person's body language,
but also they're breathing when they're feeling a sense of connectivity,
and that holds truth for couples that are in love.
One Scientific Reports study of twenty two long term couples
found that when the two were sitting together, even when
(05:31):
they weren't touching, their breath and heart rates naturally fell
into time with each other. If one was in pain
and they weren't able to touch, the connection was lost,
but bringing contact back help them sink up again. I
really find this one interesting because I love when emotions
(05:51):
obviously can be proven through biology and it's really interesting.
So next time you're together, put your hand on each
other's heart see if you're beating at the same rate
at the same pace. If you really want to get
a heart monitor out in check as well, and it's
a beautiful practice to start breathing together. My wife and
I often meditate together. As I've always said, Raley wakes
(06:14):
up a little bit earlier than me an hour earlier
than me, but Raley wakes up a little bit earlier
than me, and she'll be meditating for an hour by
the time I get up and start meditating, so maybe
we'll get like half an hour to an hour together.
And what I find really special about that is we
feel so in sync, not just on a values basis,
from a breathing basis and perspective, and also aligned at
(06:37):
the beginning of the day. And I know that for
Radi that makes such a big difference to how she
feels aligned with me when she knows we're getting that
morning time together. This is one of the reasons why
couples who emulate and mimic each other's routines also have
healthier relationships when couples are waking up at a similar time,
when they're sleeping at a similar time. And notice howays
(06:58):
say similar, not saying because two people are not the same.
When we demand that our partner goes to sleep at
the same time as us or wakes up at the
same time as us, that can be really harmful in
a relationship. That can actually be quite detrimental in a
relationship because for most people that's just not real. But
(07:18):
a similar time is healthy when you get into bed
at the same time, but maybe one of you likes
to read a little bit before you get to bed,
maybe one of you likes to do a meditation on
your own before you go to bed. But getting into
bed at the same time, having dinner together every day,
there are small routine habits that we can create with
our partners when we start to synergize. What's really interesting
(07:41):
is that when most people start dating, they spend a
lot of time together, so they feel a little bit
of synergy. Then when you get married, or you move
in or you start dating where you are living together
and cohabitating during that time, we start to see routines
become very different. I had one friend who her boyfriend
would want to play video games all night till four am,
(08:01):
and she'd want to sleep at ten pm and wake
up at seven am to get on with her day.
He'd want to get into bed at four am and
wake up at eleven am, right because his work was
more flexible. Now, I'm not saying either of them are
right or wrong, but that naturally causes distance in a relationship.
You may think that that's okay, but it won't be sustainable,
(08:23):
and so at one point, both of you have to
ask what's more important this relationship or me playing video
games till four am. Now, I'm sure that you'll choose
FIFA if you choose video games. Now, I'm kidding. I'm
hoping that you'll choose your relationship. But it's really fascinating
to me that not only are your breaths aligned, when
your routines are aligned, when your meal times are aligned,
(08:45):
this creates a synergy in your relationship. So I want
you to think about what's the one thing you can
do every day with your partner that makes you feel connected.
Is it that you have breakfast together? Is it that
you dinner together? Is it that you sleep at the
same time or wake up at the same time or
similar time. What is that one habit a day that
(09:08):
you're going to do together. For me and Radie, it's
definitely been having our evening tea right Sometimes I'm really
tired from a lot of late events and I want
to sleep in a little bit, or sometimes she's out
for dinner or meeting someone. But we found that having
our evening tea together has been a really powerful routine
to sink and synergize. If you want a long lasting relationship.
(09:32):
What is your synergy habit? What is your synergy routine
that you do every single day? Now, notice how I
didn't mention watching a show. I'm not going to say
that you can't watch a show together, but you discussing
the show is more important than you watching the show.
So if you are going to watch an episode over
your favorite show, discuss it. Take five ten minutes at
(09:54):
the end of it to have a bit of a
reflection about it. If you are going to watch a movie,
conversate about it. It It may the next day. Maybe you
need tempt to digest, but have a moment where you're
actually communicating with each other. This isn't just about physical proximity.
This is about genuine synergy. Right, This is not about
(10:14):
physical proximity, It's about emotional synergy. Now, the second scientifically
proven way to know that you're falling in love is
you generally have a more optimistic view on life. You've
started to look at the challenges and troubles through a
different lens. It's not that you're ignoring tough things, but
(10:37):
you're able to see the good in them, You're able
to learn from them, You're able to feel that you're
growing as an individual, and you're able to expand your worldview.
A study of two hundred and forty five young adult
couples published in the Journal of Personality found that being
in a relationship made individuals less neurotic and more optimistic.
(10:58):
If you've noticed your own attitude changing, you might be
gearing up for a long, healthy relationship. Now. I hadn't
seen Riley for a bit because we were both traveling
for work, and I'm going to see her in a
couple of days, and I cannot be more excited. I
have to share this with you. I wrote Raley this
note for when she was coming back, but she was
coming back while I was away, And the note talks
(11:20):
about how you know, she's the heart of our home.
We're fortunate enough to have a beautiful home, but when
she's not in that home, it doesn't have the same light,
it doesn't have the same spark, it doesn't have the
same feeling, and the world seems like a more beautiful
place when Raley's in that world with me. And we've
been together now for nearly ten years, we've been married
(11:41):
for six The fact that I still feel that way
about her makes me really happy. But think about that
just being with your partner make you feel like the
world's a better place. Maybe it's because you have someone
to turn to. Maybe it's because you have someone to
connect with. Maybe it's because you know that you can
rely on someone there to share your feelings with. I
(12:02):
bumped into someone yesterday on the streets of New York
and he was telling me that well. I was standing
up with a sign in New York City that said
one in four people you know is struggling with the
mental health condition. If you need to talk, I'm here
for you. And so many people stopped to talk to me.
And one of the gentleman who stopped to talk to me,
(12:22):
and he wasn't aware of the podcast, of the book
or anything like that. He just stopped because he needed
to share his heart. And he said to me that
recently he broke up and the conversation he was having
with me a random person on the street. He didn't
identify me as Jay Sherry, just literally bumped it to
me on the streets, saw the sign. He told me
that he usually has that conversation with his ex girlfriend
(12:44):
now ex girlfriend, and now he doesn't know who to
have it with, and so you can see how the
world seems like a quieter, darker, harder place because he
no longer has someone to share his deep, vulnerable, open
feelings with. So ask yourself, are you becoming more optimistic
around this person? Are you feeling more positive because of them?
(13:05):
Are you feeling positive about them? But more importantly, are
you also feeling positive about life? I think often we
think of lovers, I love them. They are amazing, they
are special, they are unique, and I think that that's wonderful.
But I over time that feeling is difficult for a
lot of people to maintain, especially when we come across
(13:28):
challenges in a relationship. But really, what you're asking is
has your worldview positively changed bying wing with them? Do
you think you're more open? Do you think you're open
to more adventure? Do you think you're open to trialing
new things? Do you think you are saying yes to
new opportunities? Is that coming around? Are you someone who
is restricting yourself because of this person and limiting yourself
(13:50):
or are you expanding and extending yourself? So that is
the second scientifically proven way to know you're falling in love.
The third one is you have a similar sense of humor. Now,
when Rady and I got together, we banter a lot,
and it's like British banter, where you almost sound like
you're cussing each other, right, It's almost like you're playing
(14:12):
that game like your mama jokes right with each other.
People get really uncomfortable around us sometimes sometimes they see
us having this conversation and they're like, is your relationship okay?
Are you guys okay? And we just have a very
similar sense of humor where we can just dig into
each other for fun and banter with each other, and
we enjoy that. Now we also like laughing at the
same movies, the same jokes, the same stories. Radi does
(14:36):
think I'm funny. Sometimes she'll say I'm not, But overall
I believe she thinks I'm funny. Radi is hilarious, right.
I find her ridiculously funny, And she thinks that's just
because I love her, But I actually think a lot
of people find her funny. And research published in Evolutionary
Psychology found that laughing at another person's jokes was a
(14:57):
sign of dating interest in that person, but the best
signal of romantic interest was if both people were cracking
up together. Laughter shows warmth. So giggling together means you're
feeling a mutual connection. So it's a really good idea
to go to a comedy club as one of your dates.
(15:17):
It's a really good idea to go to a funny
movie as one of your early dates, to see if
you have the same sense of humor, to see if
you have the same values around human Now, I have
to be honest and say that there are limits to
this as well. I'm sitting in this room right now.
I'm recording with my man, Paul Brazil, who's been my
(15:38):
videographer since day one. Since I moved to New York.
I worked with Raj in London, and then when I
moved to New York, I worked with Paul for the
last five years. And Paul and me have been to
see comedy shows together. We've been to see funny movies together.
I think we have a similar sense of humor. He's
nodding along, so I think I think he's agreeing. But
at the same time, me and Raley have the same
(15:59):
sense of humor, although there are some limits. I remember
taking to watch a movie that she found extremely offensive
and I found extremely hilarious and could appreciate and there
is a limit to that kind of humor. Maybe it's
a bit more bro humor, a bit more dued humor,
and rather definite does not appreciate that. So again, this
(16:23):
is not saying that you have to laugh at the
same things all the time or agree on everything all
the time, but that you have a similar sense of humor. Stress, anxiety, overwhelm, burnout.
What do all of these have in common a lack
of perceived control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But
(16:46):
what if I told you fixing all of these problems
is as simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know,
not simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we
could all use more car in our lives, and learning
to stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice.
That's why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring
(17:09):
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(17:31):
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Experience the Daily j only on Calm. The next scientifically
proven way to know you're falling in love is that
(17:52):
you feel like you'll be honest with someone, like there's
no more secret keeping. And it says that intimacy is
the biggest factor that sets love of apart from the
attraction you feel in the early days of dating, says
Marissa T. Cohen, PhD, co founder of The Relationship Lab,
and she says that intimacy involves self disclosure. So if
(18:15):
you feel like you can share your secrets with someone,
if you feel like you can be honest with someone,
if you feel like you can be transparent with someone,
chances are that there's a sign that there's love. Now.
This isn't about are you transparent, are you an open book?
This is do you feel like you can actually share
something with them? And the reason why we don't share
(18:38):
things with other people is because we're scared they're going
to be used against us. This was a conversation that
happened with someone else on the street yesterday. They were
saying that they feel that when they open up to others,
what they share will one day be used against them,
And I thought, how sad is that? Like, how heartbreaking
is that that people in this world are experiencing their
(19:00):
intimacy turn into a weapon. Imagine your secrets are being
turned into weapons. Your emotional outpouring is being turned into
a weapon against you. When you're putting down your shield,
someone's using that as a weapon. That's really difficult. That's
a really challenging place to be. Now you may say, well, Jay,
(19:21):
how do you know? How do you know? Sometimes you
feel like you want to be open and honest with someone,
Sometimes you want to open your heart to someone. Sometimes
you do trust them, but you never know if they're
going to use it as a weapon. That's where you
want to weigh. Just because you feel like telling someone
the truth doesn't mean you're in love. What true love
is when you share your truth, that person honors that truth.
(19:43):
They don't use it against you in a fight, they
don't manipulate you with it, they don't use it as
a form of control or a method of bargaining or negotiating.
It's it's used to support you, it's used to help you.
It's used to propel you forward and uplift you. And
so you don't feel like you need to keep secrets.
(20:04):
But really, how they respond to that secret is the
sign of love or not. You may be in love
because you want to share it, but whether they're in
love with you or not is based on how they respond.
I often say to people that sometimes when you start
dating and someone tells you something really open and honest,
like maybe they open up to you and they say, hey,
I have a porn addiction, or maybe they open up
(20:26):
to you and say, hey, I used to be an alcoholic,
or maybe they open up to you and say I'm
really struggling with X, Y Z or z as. I
would say, a lot of the times that can be
quite alarming, and we can be quite taken aback and
caught off God because we didn't want to know that
about them. We almost don't want it to be true,
and so we actually retaliate, We actually reflect poorly on
(20:48):
them because we're like, well, I didn't want to know
that about you, so you can't be that. I don't
want you to be that, and we're actually upset by it.
But actually the fact that they've disclosed that with you
is an incredible sign of openness, is an incredible sign
of genuineness. Now, I'm not saying you have to stay
with that person, or you have to respect the challenge
(21:09):
that they have or help them through it. But don't
write someone off because they are honest with you. Don't
write someone off because they're honest with you and you
don't like their honesty. Because I think a lot of
us are like I wish I was with someone honest,
I wish I was with someone transparent, But then when
someone is honest or transparent, we're uncomfortable with their honesty
and transparency. So if someone is honest and transparent with you,
(21:30):
even if you're not comfortable with it, thank them and
acknowledge them for doing that, because if you react poorly,
they're then going to be scared to share that with
someone else. So if you react badly to their honesty,
they may never feel comfortable to be honest with someone
else because they'll think every time they're honest with someone,
they scare someone away. That's one of The first reasons
(21:53):
why we all stop blocking ourselves and boundarying up ourselves
from actually telling people how we truly feel is because
they're scared going to scare them away, so being honest
and transparent, all right. The next scientifically proven way to
know you're falling in love is when you're making plans,
you think about your partner, you include them. When instead
(22:16):
of saying I think this, you start saying we believe,
or we think or we started doing this right, You're
not just thinking about what you want and what you
need to do. You're thinking about what you both need.
And I remember feeling this way. Would rather when I
started to recognize that I wasn't an eye anymore. I
was a WE, I wasn't me, I was an US,
(22:38):
And I started to recognize that my decisions affected both
of us. And when I realized that my decisions now
affected both of us, they didn't change my decisions, but
they changed how I communicated with them. And I think
that's where people go wrong. People think that when you
become a we or an US instead of an I
and a me, you now have to change your decision.
(23:00):
I would say, I didn't change my decisions, but I
changed how I communicated and directed those decisions. So if
I got a work trip or I had to travel,
it's not that I was going to say no to
that trip. I would make rather aware in advance that Hey,
I've got this opportunity. This is why I really want
to take it. I think it would be really great
for us if I go and do this right. And
(23:23):
I want you to know so that you can plan
something or do whatever you want that weekend when I'll
be traveling for work. So notice how you're not just saying, Okay,
this is right for me, so I'm going to do it,
or oh, my wife's going to be upset with me
if I'm there, so I'm going to cancel it. It's
not I'm going to communicate why I think this is
good for us, why it's helpful to us. Maybe we
want to invest a bit more in this area this year,
Maybe we want to travel this year a bit more,
(23:46):
and I need to go and do a bit of
extra work for that. Whatever it may be. Right. So
you include your partner when you're making decisions, and you
will have that conversation with them. Again, it's not stopping
yourself from in the decision that you want, it's actually
including them as part of that conversation. The next scientifically
(24:06):
proven way to know you're falling in love is you
are now no longer looking for that flirty validation from
someone else. Right, It's so easy to keep fishing for compliments,
to keep fishing for people to be attracted to you
for keep fishing for that validation, and a lot of
(24:29):
us enjoy it. A lot of us enjoyed that. We
enjoyed the casual flirt we enjoy the attraction of other people. Now,
I'm not saying you don't feel appreciate it when someone says, hey,
you look good today, or that looks good on you.
That's awesome. Right, well, that's great. I'm not I'm not
criticizing that. I'm just saying that you're no longer now
trying to impress people. You're no longer trying to get
(24:50):
them to say those things. Whereas when you start dating someone,
you want to impress them, Right, that's normal. But now
you're not trying to use that same place in other
places because you've feel a sense of validation from the
person you're with. Evidence from fMRIs shows that when people
who are in love see a photo of their lover,
the parts of the brain associated with reward and motivation
(25:13):
light up. According to the research published in the Journal
of Comparative Neurology, that's a separate part of the brain
from what's associated with sex drive. The findings led researchers
to the conclusion that when someone is in love, their
brain is programmed to focus solely on that person and
to put other potential lovers on hold. So just think
(25:35):
about that for a second. Right, the part that's associated
with sex drive, that's that casual flirt, that's that impressing people,
That's that validation that you may feel consistently. But love
is when you're like, well, I don't want to feel
that with someone else anymore. And I may feel that
with someone else as well. Today I may feel attraction,
I may feel lost, but I don't want to feel
that with them. I may feel it, but I don't
(25:57):
want to I'm not choosing to feel that with this person.
I'm not choosing to act on it. Right, The last
one I want to share with you is ultimately the
biggest one. There's a feeling of aligned values. There's a
feeling of aligned values. Now, this doesn't mean that you
have the same values. It doesn't mean that you agree
(26:18):
on each other's values, means that you respect each other's values.
I think we've wasted a lot of time trying to
say I have to have the same values as the
person I'm with. Obviously that's amazing, but that's rare you
can have aligned values. So a lot of people break
up because they say we don't want the same things
or we're not the same people. And actually you're going
(26:39):
to be struggling really hard to find someone who's the same.
Chances are you're more likely to date someone who's very
different to you than you are someone who's the same
as you. And the thing you're really looking for is
do I like these differences enough to understand and grow
with this person? Or do I not like these differences.
It's not about are we more similar or are we
more dissimilar? I like the differences. We have things in common?
(27:02):
And do I like the things in common? And do
I like the things that are different? Rather than going okay, no,
if we have things in common, then we're for each other,
and if we don't, then we're not for each other,
it's no do I like the things we have in common?
And can I approach the things we don't have in
common in an effective and healthy way. So these are
the seven scientifically proven ways to know you're falling in love.
(27:23):
I hope you test them with your partners. I hope
you test them with someone you're dating. And I hope
you think about also when you were wrong about love,
or when you didn't find love, or maybe when you
said it or someone said it and it didn't turn
out to be that way, which was a sign that
you were missing. Thank you so much for joining me today.
I hope you'll pass this on someone who may need
it on. Thank you for listening today, and just try
(27:46):
and apply one of the principles from today. That's all,
just one, and watch how your life changes. I just
want to read a few reviews. This is from Brianna P. Hello, J.
I absolutely love listening to you and the way you
communicate to us listeners and those whom you have relationships
with that are interviewed. I wanted to start listen to
podcasts and I've always struggled with mental health. I saw
(28:09):
the last bit of you on the Ellen Show recently,
which is where I heard of this podcast, so I
started with listening to you while I have my other
self healing remedies. Your podcast is so inspirational and I've
made a daily ritual because listening to you has positively
impacted me so much. I'm so grateful that I get
to have the opportunity to listen to all you have
(28:30):
to say. You truly make an impact on people in
the world. I love the interview you had with Lily
Singh and can't wait to start reading Be a Triangle
just got it a target once again. Thank you for
being part of my support system. Brianna P Brianna, thank
you for that wonderful review, and I just want to
give a big shout out. We're now over eighteen thousand reviews.
Our goal for twenty twenty two is twenty thousand reviews,
(28:52):
so we've got two thousand to go. Keep them coming.
Thanks for listening to on Purpose. I'll see you soon.
Did did did
This was a conversation that happened with someone else on
the street yesterday. They were saying that they feel that
when they open up to others, what they share will
one day be used against them, And I thought, how
sad is that that people in this world are experiencing
their intimacy turned into a weapon. When you're putting down
your shield, someone's using that as a weapon. That's really difficult.
(00:21):
That's a really challenging place to be. Hey, everyone, welcome
back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in
the world. Thanks to each and every single one of
you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now,
I just want to start off by saying that it
(00:44):
has been incredible to see the downloads, to see the
listens just go through the roof, because I know so
many of you are not just listening to one episode
a week, not just listening to two episodes a week.
Most of you are listening to an episode every single day.
And that truly blows my mind because it shows me
(01:06):
that we're living in a world that is hungry to grow,
hungry to improve, hungry to feel better. And I'm just
blown away on a daily basis seeing the love that
you continue to show me, and I just want you
to know that when I'm planning these sessions, when I'm
preparing for them, I'm thinking about each and every one
(01:27):
of you and hoping that I can share insights and
practical steps to helping you in your work, your relationships,
and your life. And I just want to thank you.
I bumped into so many of you this week. I
was in New York, speaking to strangers, speaking to some
of you on the streets. Whoever I bumped into, and
I had such a fulfilling time, and I just want
(01:49):
to say how much I deeply appreciate meeting you. And again,
I'm going to say this to you. If you see
me on the streets or anywhere, please say hello, because
it makes my day and I will give you a
massive argu if you tell me you listen to the podcast.
So today I'm talking about the seven scientifically proven ways
to know you're falling in love. I find this subject
(02:13):
matter so deeply fascinating because I believe that love is
one of those things that we're addicted to learning more about.
So a lot of the studies show that men might
experience feelings of love faster than women. Some say almost
six weeks earlier. But men are also the ones to
(02:34):
say I love you first. Even though what I find
most fascinating is a lot of the times when men
have said that, they also fall out of love faster
as well. And so men fall into love faster, and
they fall out of love faster as well. Study sure
that women might say I love you more often, and
(02:57):
women take a bit longer to fall in love, as
they are predisposed to being more thoughtful about using those
words and about making that decision. So what's really fascinating
about love is that we see people use this word
as being appropriate for many different feelings. Someone could just
(03:18):
be deeply attracted to you and they call it love.
Some people could just be admirers of you and they
call it love. Some people may just be lustful after
you and they call it love. And so we've got
to be really careful about the way we use the
word love, because the idea of love is in itself
(03:40):
so intoxicating that we don't always think about the use
of the word. So when I'm telling you today the
scientifically proven ways to know you're falling in love, we're
talking about the love that I'm defining as a love
that's going to last, a love that you're going to
invest in, a love that you're willing to put the
work into. I think for me, I know that I've
(04:02):
met people who could fall in last with a new
person every month, right literally every month. They would come
to me and say, I'm really into this person, I'm
really into this person. I'm really into this person. Oh yeah, no,
now I'm into this person. And if someone's looking for
that quick win, that quick feeling of pleasure, then that
can be a really good recipe. But for those of
(04:23):
us that want to have long lasting, deep fulfilling relationships
with one person, these are the signs that you're falling
in love with them. Some of them are going to
be ones that you recognize, some of them are going
to be ones that surprise you. So let's get going.
The first one that I want to share with you
is that this one. I mean, I'm sharing this one
(04:44):
with you, but this isn't the easiest one to measure.
But I know that all of you are going to
get a heart rate monitor or a stethoscope out after this,
even with your partners, even if you're dating already. This
one's brilliant. You've started breathing in time with them. How
amazing is that. Then when you start falling in love
with someone, you start breathing in time with them. So
(05:08):
studies show that humans start to emulate another person's body language,
but also they're breathing when they're feeling a sense of connectivity,
and that holds truth for couples that are in love.
One Scientific Reports study of twenty two long term couples
found that when the two were sitting together, even when
(05:31):
they weren't touching, their breath and heart rates naturally fell
into time with each other. If one was in pain
and they weren't able to touch, the connection was lost,
but bringing contact back help them sink up again. I
really find this one interesting because I love when emotions
(05:51):
obviously can be proven through biology and it's really interesting.
So next time you're together, put your hand on each
other's heart see if you're beating at the same rate
at the same pace. If you really want to get
a heart monitor out in check as well, and it's
a beautiful practice to start breathing together. My wife and
I often meditate together. As I've always said, Raley wakes
(06:14):
up a little bit earlier than me an hour earlier
than me, but Raley wakes up a little bit earlier
than me, and she'll be meditating for an hour by
the time I get up and start meditating, so maybe
we'll get like half an hour to an hour together.
And what I find really special about that is we
feel so in sync, not just on a values basis,
from a breathing basis and perspective, and also aligned at
(06:37):
the beginning of the day. And I know that for
Radi that makes such a big difference to how she
feels aligned with me when she knows we're getting that
morning time together. This is one of the reasons why
couples who emulate and mimic each other's routines also have
healthier relationships when couples are waking up at a similar time,
when they're sleeping at a similar time. And notice howays
(06:58):
say similar, not saying because two people are not the same.
When we demand that our partner goes to sleep at
the same time as us or wakes up at the
same time as us, that can be really harmful in
a relationship. That can actually be quite detrimental in a
relationship because for most people that's just not real. But
(07:18):
a similar time is healthy when you get into bed
at the same time, but maybe one of you likes
to read a little bit before you get to bed,
maybe one of you likes to do a meditation on
your own before you go to bed. But getting into
bed at the same time, having dinner together every day,
there are small routine habits that we can create with
our partners when we start to synergize. What's really interesting
(07:41):
is that when most people start dating, they spend a
lot of time together, so they feel a little bit
of synergy. Then when you get married, or you move
in or you start dating where you are living together
and cohabitating during that time, we start to see routines
become very different. I had one friend who her boyfriend
would want to play video games all night till four am,
(08:01):
and she'd want to sleep at ten pm and wake
up at seven am to get on with her day.
He'd want to get into bed at four am and
wake up at eleven am, right because his work was
more flexible. Now, I'm not saying either of them are
right or wrong, but that naturally causes distance in a relationship.
You may think that that's okay, but it won't be sustainable,
(08:23):
and so at one point, both of you have to
ask what's more important this relationship or me playing video
games till four am. Now, I'm sure that you'll choose
FIFA if you choose video games. Now, I'm kidding. I'm
hoping that you'll choose your relationship. But it's really fascinating
to me that not only are your breaths aligned, when
your routines are aligned, when your meal times are aligned,
(08:45):
this creates a synergy in your relationship. So I want
you to think about what's the one thing you can
do every day with your partner that makes you feel connected.
Is it that you have breakfast together? Is it that
you dinner together? Is it that you sleep at the
same time or wake up at the same time or
similar time. What is that one habit a day that
(09:08):
you're going to do together. For me and Radie, it's
definitely been having our evening tea right Sometimes I'm really
tired from a lot of late events and I want
to sleep in a little bit, or sometimes she's out
for dinner or meeting someone. But we found that having
our evening tea together has been a really powerful routine
to sink and synergize. If you want a long lasting relationship.
(09:32):
What is your synergy habit? What is your synergy routine
that you do every single day? Now, notice how I
didn't mention watching a show. I'm not going to say
that you can't watch a show together, but you discussing
the show is more important than you watching the show.
So if you are going to watch an episode over
your favorite show, discuss it. Take five ten minutes at
(09:54):
the end of it to have a bit of a
reflection about it. If you are going to watch a movie,
conversate about it. It It may the next day. Maybe you
need tempt to digest, but have a moment where you're
actually communicating with each other. This isn't just about physical proximity.
This is about genuine synergy. Right, This is not about
(10:14):
physical proximity, It's about emotional synergy. Now, the second scientifically
proven way to know that you're falling in love is
you generally have a more optimistic view on life. You've
started to look at the challenges and troubles through a
different lens. It's not that you're ignoring tough things, but
(10:37):
you're able to see the good in them, You're able
to learn from them, You're able to feel that you're
growing as an individual, and you're able to expand your worldview.
A study of two hundred and forty five young adult
couples published in the Journal of Personality found that being
in a relationship made individuals less neurotic and more optimistic.
(10:58):
If you've noticed your own attitude changing, you might be
gearing up for a long, healthy relationship. Now. I hadn't
seen Riley for a bit because we were both traveling
for work, and I'm going to see her in a
couple of days, and I cannot be more excited. I
have to share this with you. I wrote Raley this
note for when she was coming back, but she was
coming back while I was away, And the note talks
(11:20):
about how you know, she's the heart of our home.
We're fortunate enough to have a beautiful home, but when
she's not in that home, it doesn't have the same light,
it doesn't have the same spark, it doesn't have the
same feeling, and the world seems like a more beautiful
place when Raley's in that world with me. And we've
been together now for nearly ten years, we've been married
(11:41):
for six The fact that I still feel that way
about her makes me really happy. But think about that
just being with your partner make you feel like the
world's a better place. Maybe it's because you have someone
to turn to. Maybe it's because you have someone to
connect with. Maybe it's because you know that you can
rely on someone there to share your feelings with. I
(12:02):
bumped into someone yesterday on the streets of New York
and he was telling me that well. I was standing
up with a sign in New York City that said
one in four people you know is struggling with the
mental health condition. If you need to talk, I'm here
for you. And so many people stopped to talk to me.
And one of the gentleman who stopped to talk to me,
(12:22):
and he wasn't aware of the podcast, of the book
or anything like that. He just stopped because he needed
to share his heart. And he said to me that
recently he broke up and the conversation he was having
with me a random person on the street. He didn't
identify me as Jay Sherry, just literally bumped it to
me on the streets, saw the sign. He told me
that he usually has that conversation with his ex girlfriend
(12:44):
now ex girlfriend, and now he doesn't know who to
have it with, and so you can see how the
world seems like a quieter, darker, harder place because he
no longer has someone to share his deep, vulnerable, open
feelings with. So ask yourself, are you becoming more optimistic
around this person? Are you feeling more positive because of them?
(13:05):
Are you feeling positive about them? But more importantly, are
you also feeling positive about life? I think often we
think of lovers, I love them. They are amazing, they
are special, they are unique, and I think that that's wonderful.
But I over time that feeling is difficult for a
lot of people to maintain, especially when we come across
(13:28):
challenges in a relationship. But really, what you're asking is
has your worldview positively changed bying wing with them? Do
you think you're more open? Do you think you're open
to more adventure? Do you think you're open to trialing
new things? Do you think you are saying yes to
new opportunities? Is that coming around? Are you someone who
is restricting yourself because of this person and limiting yourself
(13:50):
or are you expanding and extending yourself? So that is
the second scientifically proven way to know you're falling in love.
The third one is you have a similar sense of humor. Now,
when Rady and I got together, we banter a lot,
and it's like British banter, where you almost sound like
you're cussing each other, right, It's almost like you're playing
(14:12):
that game like your mama jokes right with each other.
People get really uncomfortable around us sometimes sometimes they see
us having this conversation and they're like, is your relationship okay?
Are you guys okay? And we just have a very
similar sense of humor where we can just dig into
each other for fun and banter with each other, and
we enjoy that. Now we also like laughing at the
same movies, the same jokes, the same stories. Radi does
(14:36):
think I'm funny. Sometimes she'll say I'm not, But overall
I believe she thinks I'm funny. Radi is hilarious, right.
I find her ridiculously funny, And she thinks that's just
because I love her, But I actually think a lot
of people find her funny. And research published in Evolutionary
Psychology found that laughing at another person's jokes was a
(14:57):
sign of dating interest in that person, but the best
signal of romantic interest was if both people were cracking
up together. Laughter shows warmth. So giggling together means you're
feeling a mutual connection. So it's a really good idea
to go to a comedy club as one of your dates.
(15:17):
It's a really good idea to go to a funny
movie as one of your early dates, to see if
you have the same sense of humor, to see if
you have the same values around human Now, I have
to be honest and say that there are limits to
this as well. I'm sitting in this room right now.
I'm recording with my man, Paul Brazil, who's been my
(15:38):
videographer since day one. Since I moved to New York.
I worked with Raj in London, and then when I
moved to New York, I worked with Paul for the
last five years. And Paul and me have been to
see comedy shows together. We've been to see funny movies together.
I think we have a similar sense of humor. He's
nodding along, so I think I think he's agreeing. But
at the same time, me and Raley have the same
(15:59):
sense of humor, although there are some limits. I remember
taking to watch a movie that she found extremely offensive
and I found extremely hilarious and could appreciate and there
is a limit to that kind of humor. Maybe it's
a bit more bro humor, a bit more dued humor,
and rather definite does not appreciate that. So again, this
(16:23):
is not saying that you have to laugh at the
same things all the time or agree on everything all
the time, but that you have a similar sense of humor. Stress, anxiety, overwhelm, burnout.
What do all of these have in common a lack
of perceived control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But
(16:46):
what if I told you fixing all of these problems
is as simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know,
not simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we
could all use more car in our lives, and learning
to stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice.
That's why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring
(17:09):
you the Daily J. If you've ever wanted to meditate
with me and take back control over your busy mind,
join me on the car map for the Daily J,
a daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm
in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant
life and simple steps for positive actions to get you
closer to the life of your dreams. Meditate with Me
(17:31):
by going to Calm dot com forward slash Jay to
get forty percent off a Calm Premium membership that's only
forty two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations.
Experience the Daily j only on Calm. The next scientifically
proven way to know you're falling in love is that
(17:52):
you feel like you'll be honest with someone, like there's
no more secret keeping. And it says that intimacy is
the biggest factor that sets love of apart from the
attraction you feel in the early days of dating, says
Marissa T. Cohen, PhD, co founder of The Relationship Lab,
and she says that intimacy involves self disclosure. So if
(18:15):
you feel like you can share your secrets with someone,
if you feel like you can be honest with someone,
if you feel like you can be transparent with someone,
chances are that there's a sign that there's love. Now.
This isn't about are you transparent, are you an open book?
This is do you feel like you can actually share
something with them? And the reason why we don't share
(18:38):
things with other people is because we're scared they're going
to be used against us. This was a conversation that
happened with someone else on the street yesterday. They were
saying that they feel that when they open up to others,
what they share will one day be used against them,
And I thought, how sad is that? Like, how heartbreaking
is that that people in this world are experiencing their
(19:00):
intimacy turn into a weapon. Imagine your secrets are being
turned into weapons. Your emotional outpouring is being turned into
a weapon against you. When you're putting down your shield,
someone's using that as a weapon. That's really difficult. That's
a really challenging place to be. Now you may say, well, Jay,
(19:21):
how do you know? How do you know? Sometimes you
feel like you want to be open and honest with someone,
Sometimes you want to open your heart to someone. Sometimes
you do trust them, but you never know if they're
going to use it as a weapon. That's where you
want to weigh. Just because you feel like telling someone
the truth doesn't mean you're in love. What true love
is when you share your truth, that person honors that truth.
(19:43):
They don't use it against you in a fight, they
don't manipulate you with it, they don't use it as
a form of control or a method of bargaining or negotiating.
It's it's used to support you, it's used to help you.
It's used to propel you forward and uplift you. And
so you don't feel like you need to keep secrets.
(20:04):
But really, how they respond to that secret is the
sign of love or not. You may be in love
because you want to share it, but whether they're in
love with you or not is based on how they respond.
I often say to people that sometimes when you start
dating and someone tells you something really open and honest,
like maybe they open up to you and they say, hey,
I have a porn addiction, or maybe they open up
(20:26):
to you and say, hey, I used to be an alcoholic,
or maybe they open up to you and say I'm
really struggling with X, Y Z or z as. I
would say, a lot of the times that can be
quite alarming, and we can be quite taken aback and
caught off God because we didn't want to know that
about them. We almost don't want it to be true,
and so we actually retaliate, We actually reflect poorly on
(20:48):
them because we're like, well, I didn't want to know
that about you, so you can't be that. I don't
want you to be that, and we're actually upset by it.
But actually the fact that they've disclosed that with you
is an incredible sign of openness, is an incredible sign
of genuineness. Now, I'm not saying you have to stay
with that person, or you have to respect the challenge
(21:09):
that they have or help them through it. But don't
write someone off because they are honest with you. Don't
write someone off because they're honest with you and you
don't like their honesty. Because I think a lot of
us are like I wish I was with someone honest,
I wish I was with someone transparent, But then when
someone is honest or transparent, we're uncomfortable with their honesty
and transparency. So if someone is honest and transparent with you,
(21:30):
even if you're not comfortable with it, thank them and
acknowledge them for doing that, because if you react poorly,
they're then going to be scared to share that with
someone else. So if you react badly to their honesty,
they may never feel comfortable to be honest with someone
else because they'll think every time they're honest with someone,
they scare someone away. That's one of The first reasons
(21:53):
why we all stop blocking ourselves and boundarying up ourselves
from actually telling people how we truly feel is because
they're scared going to scare them away, so being honest
and transparent, all right. The next scientifically proven way to
know you're falling in love is when you're making plans,
you think about your partner, you include them. When instead
(22:16):
of saying I think this, you start saying we believe,
or we think or we started doing this right, You're
not just thinking about what you want and what you
need to do. You're thinking about what you both need.
And I remember feeling this way. Would rather when I
started to recognize that I wasn't an eye anymore. I
was a WE, I wasn't me, I was an US,
(22:38):
And I started to recognize that my decisions affected both
of us. And when I realized that my decisions now
affected both of us, they didn't change my decisions, but
they changed how I communicated with them. And I think
that's where people go wrong. People think that when you
become a we or an US instead of an I
and a me, you now have to change your decision.
(23:00):
I would say, I didn't change my decisions, but I
changed how I communicated and directed those decisions. So if
I got a work trip or I had to travel,
it's not that I was going to say no to
that trip. I would make rather aware in advance that Hey,
I've got this opportunity. This is why I really want
to take it. I think it would be really great
for us if I go and do this right. And
(23:23):
I want you to know so that you can plan
something or do whatever you want that weekend when I'll
be traveling for work. So notice how you're not just saying, Okay,
this is right for me, so I'm going to do it,
or oh, my wife's going to be upset with me
if I'm there, so I'm going to cancel it. It's
not I'm going to communicate why I think this is
good for us, why it's helpful to us. Maybe we
want to invest a bit more in this area this year,
Maybe we want to travel this year a bit more,
(23:46):
and I need to go and do a bit of
extra work for that. Whatever it may be. Right. So
you include your partner when you're making decisions, and you
will have that conversation with them. Again, it's not stopping
yourself from in the decision that you want, it's actually
including them as part of that conversation. The next scientifically
(24:06):
proven way to know you're falling in love is you
are now no longer looking for that flirty validation from
someone else. Right, It's so easy to keep fishing for compliments,
to keep fishing for people to be attracted to you
for keep fishing for that validation, and a lot of
(24:29):
us enjoy it. A lot of us enjoyed that. We
enjoyed the casual flirt we enjoy the attraction of other people. Now,
I'm not saying you don't feel appreciate it when someone says, hey,
you look good today, or that looks good on you.
That's awesome. Right, well, that's great. I'm not I'm not
criticizing that. I'm just saying that you're no longer now
trying to impress people. You're no longer trying to get
(24:50):
them to say those things. Whereas when you start dating someone,
you want to impress them, Right, that's normal. But now
you're not trying to use that same place in other
places because you've feel a sense of validation from the
person you're with. Evidence from fMRIs shows that when people
who are in love see a photo of their lover,
the parts of the brain associated with reward and motivation
(25:13):
light up. According to the research published in the Journal
of Comparative Neurology, that's a separate part of the brain
from what's associated with sex drive. The findings led researchers
to the conclusion that when someone is in love, their
brain is programmed to focus solely on that person and
to put other potential lovers on hold. So just think
(25:35):
about that for a second. Right, the part that's associated
with sex drive, that's that casual flirt, that's that impressing people,
That's that validation that you may feel consistently. But love
is when you're like, well, I don't want to feel
that with someone else anymore. And I may feel that
with someone else as well. Today I may feel attraction,
I may feel lost, but I don't want to feel
that with them. I may feel it, but I don't
(25:57):
want to I'm not choosing to feel that with this person.
I'm not choosing to act on it. Right, The last
one I want to share with you is ultimately the
biggest one. There's a feeling of aligned values. There's a
feeling of aligned values. Now, this doesn't mean that you
have the same values. It doesn't mean that you agree
(26:18):
on each other's values, means that you respect each other's values.
I think we've wasted a lot of time trying to
say I have to have the same values as the
person I'm with. Obviously that's amazing, but that's rare you
can have aligned values. So a lot of people break
up because they say we don't want the same things
or we're not the same people. And actually you're going
(26:39):
to be struggling really hard to find someone who's the same.
Chances are you're more likely to date someone who's very
different to you than you are someone who's the same
as you. And the thing you're really looking for is
do I like these differences enough to understand and grow
with this person? Or do I not like these differences.
It's not about are we more similar or are we
more dissimilar? I like the differences. We have things in common?
(27:02):
And do I like the things in common? And do
I like the things that are different? Rather than going okay, no,
if we have things in common, then we're for each other,
and if we don't, then we're not for each other,
it's no do I like the things we have in common?
And can I approach the things we don't have in
common in an effective and healthy way. So these are
the seven scientifically proven ways to know you're falling in love.
(27:23):
I hope you test them with your partners. I hope
you test them with someone you're dating. And I hope
you think about also when you were wrong about love,
or when you didn't find love, or maybe when you
said it or someone said it and it didn't turn
out to be that way, which was a sign that
you were missing. Thank you so much for joining me today.
I hope you'll pass this on someone who may need
it on. Thank you for listening today, and just try
(27:46):
and apply one of the principles from today. That's all,
just one, and watch how your life changes. I just
want to read a few reviews. This is from Brianna P. Hello, J.
I absolutely love listening to you and the way you
communicate to us listeners and those whom you have relationships
with that are interviewed. I wanted to start listen to
podcasts and I've always struggled with mental health. I saw
(28:09):
the last bit of you on the Ellen Show recently,
which is where I heard of this podcast, so I
started with listening to you while I have my other
self healing remedies. Your podcast is so inspirational and I've
made a daily ritual because listening to you has positively
impacted me so much. I'm so grateful that I get
to have the opportunity to listen to all you have
(28:30):
to say. You truly make an impact on people in
the world. I love the interview you had with Lily
Singh and can't wait to start reading Be a Triangle
just got it a target once again. Thank you for
being part of my support system. Brianna P Brianna, thank
you for that wonderful review, and I just want to
give a big shout out. We're now over eighteen thousand reviews.
Our goal for twenty twenty two is twenty thousand reviews,
(28:52):
so we've got two thousand to go. Keep them coming.
Thanks for listening to on Purpose. I'll see you soon.
Did did did
Host
Jay Shetty
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