November 28, 2025 • 24 mins
In this episode, Jay talks about a side of gratitude we rarely acknowledge, the kind that isn’t shiny or uplifting, but the kind that helps when life feels heavy, complicated, or far from what you expected. He explains how, for years, he treated gratitude like something meant to fix pain or override his feelings, and how that mindset only added pressure instead of bringing any real peace.
Jay talks about what real gratitude actually feels like, not the kind that tries to cancel out your struggles, but the kind that can sit beside them. He shares how acknowledging both things at once, what hurts and what’s still good, builds real resilience. Jay breaks down why phrases like “at least…” shut your feelings down, while using “even though…” or “and…” keeps you present with your emotions instead of pushing them away.
Jay also shares the small, practical habits that help him reconnect with gratitude when it feels far away: paying attention to what stayed instead of what disappeared, taking 10-second pauses to notice something good in the moment, borrowing someone else’s joy when you can’t access your own, and writing a thank-you note to the version of you who got through the harder seasons.
Jay reminds us that gratitude isn’t supposed to hide what’s hard, it’s meant to help you steady yourself. It’s the quiet admission: “Life is messy, and there’s still something I can hold onto.”
In this episode, you’ll learn:
How to Stop Using Gratitude to Mask Your Feelings
How to Hold Pain and Gratitude Together
How to Notice What Stayed, Not What Left
How to Use 10-Second Pauses to Reset
How to Borrow Gratitude When You Can’t Feel It
How to Thank the You Who Survived
You’re not doing gratitude wrong, you’re just learning to do it honestly. Keep showing up with awareness, gentleness, and patience. You’re not rebuilding from zero, you’re rebuilding from experience.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty.
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:00 How to Practice Gratitude
02:39 Gratitude Without Hiding Your Emotions
06:46 Don’t Use Gratitude As Your Escape
09:17 Focus On What You Still Have
11:11 Finding Gratitude in the Gaps
14:43 Gratitude Reset: Take A 10 Second Pause
18:26 The Art Of Borrowing Gratitude
21:15 Stay Thankful To Your Past Self
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Gratitude is contagious. Sometimes you just need to borrow it.
When you're in a season of envy, when everyone else's joy,
it feels like a reminder of what you don't have.
That's exactly when borrowing gratitude matters the most. It sounds strange,
but gratitude isn't always something you feel. Sometimes it's something
you witness. When your heart can't access gratitude, start by
(00:24):
noticing someone else's joy without judgment. The number one health
and wellness podcast, Jay said Jay Sheddy, Hey, everyone, welcome
back to On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Sheddy, author
of New York Times best selling books Think Like a
Monk and Eight Rules of Love. If you haven't read either,
(00:47):
I hope you take a moment to go and grab
your copy. If you love this podcast, I promise you
you'll love the ancient wisdom, modern science, and insight inside
the books. Now to today episode, Let's be honest When
life isn't where you want it to be. The word
gratitude can feel fake. You know you should be thankful,
(01:10):
but you look at your bank account, your job, your
relationship status, and it just feels hollow, Especially when someone
comes up to you and says something like, be grateful
for what you have. You should be thankful, You should
be grateful, but sometimes that feels like being told to
smile while everything falls apart. Today, I'm going to share
(01:31):
with you practical, thoughtful, powerful steps to actually help you
understand gratitude and implement it, especially when you don't feel
like it. Not the forced kind, the kind that reconnects
you to yourself, the kind that helps you breathe again.
And the reason is one of my favorite quotes that
(01:52):
I read a long time ago, says, when you're grateful
for what you have, you receive more to be grateful for.
What's also true is when you're grateful for what you have,
when you have more, you'll be able to be grateful.
Our mind tricks us into believing that when I have more,
then I'll be thankful. When I get that promotion, then
(02:12):
I'll be grateful. When my life shifts in this way,
then I can appreciate it, not realizing that what we're
living today was yesterday's dream. Where we are right now
is what we prayed for two years ago. What you're
achieving and receiving today is something you never even imagined,
but now that you have it and it feels familiar.
(02:34):
It breaks it down. Number one, Separate gratitude from denial.
You don't have to pretend everything's okay to be grateful.
True gratitude isn't saying it's fine. It's saying, even though
it's not fine, there's still something worth noticing. It's not
(02:55):
saying I'm going to pretend to avoid all the difficult things.
I'm going to pretend to avoid all the negative things,
and I'm just going to act like everything's perfect. That's
lying to yourself. That's toxic positivity. The science says people
who acknowledge their struggles and gratitude experience higher resilience and
(03:15):
lower depression than those who fake positivity. That's mind blowing.
Think about that for a second. You actually saying, hey,
this is not working out in my life, but I'm
really grateful for this friend. Not as a counterbalance, right,
You're not trying to make it equal. You're simply saying,
I see both of these things. In reality. I see
that my career isn't going the way I want, but
(03:35):
I'm really grateful that I have a great group of friends.
That's going to reduce your depression. Most of us learned
gratitude as a kind of emotional cover up when things
go wrong. People say, just be grateful, But that advice
can land like a slap when you're hurting, because gratitude
is never meant to erase your pain. It was meant
to sit beside it. Let me say that again. Gratitude
(03:59):
was never meant to erase your pain. It was meant
to sit beside it. Separating gratitude from denial means giving
yourself permission to be both honest and hopeful. People don't
talk about how annoying it is when someone says, just
be grateful. You can be thankful and tired. You can
(04:21):
appreciate what's good without pretending everything is good. When we
use gratitude to suppress how we feel, it becomes toxic.
It disconnects us from our own truth. But when we
let it coexist with pain, it becomes healing. Psychologists call
this emotional granularity, the ability to hold complex emotions at once.
(04:46):
Studies show people who can acknowledge both joy and sorrow
are more resilient, less anxious, and bounce back faster from setbacks.
Gratitude isn't about pretending the store isn't there. It's standing
in the rain and still being able to say, even now,
(05:07):
something in me is alive, learning becoming. That's not denial,
that's awakening. And learn to say both truths out loud.
Start your gratitude sentences with even though so, for example,
even though I feel lonely, I'm grateful I still have
(05:29):
people who care. Even though work is stressful, I'm grateful
I'm learning new skills. It trains your mind to hold
two realities at once, pain and perspective. That's balance, not denial.
What we tend to do is do one or the other.
We tend to focus on everything that's going wrong. We've
(05:50):
all been there, or we tend to focus on everything
that's going right. And then what happens when you fake
that everything's going right. All it takes is one little
thing to trip you up. And when you believe everything's
going wrong, will you just keep digging a deeper hole
for yourself? Please start looking at your life and your
(06:10):
world not as equal, not as perfectly balanced, but being
able to notice the challenges and being able to notice
the growth. Life isn't about what happens to you, It's
about what you notice that is happening to you. And
so many of us only choose to notice the negative, difficult,
(06:32):
challenging things, and we miss out and forget the beautiful, powerful,
incredible things. Step number two, stop using gratitude to shut
down emotion. If you catch yourself saying I shouldn't feel sad,
other people have it worse, pause, that's not gratitude, that's
guilt in disguise. Instead, say I can feel sad and
(06:57):
still appreciate what I have. You're not dis qualifying your feelings,
you're integrating them. I think what's really interesting about that
point is a lot of us almost feel like we're
not allowed to feel sad. We don't think we have
the permission to be sad. Now. The truth is everyone
will generally find someone who's worse off than them. But
(07:19):
it's not about comparing your pain because then you're not
allowing it to live there. You're not allowing it to
float through you and process it. So here's what I
want you to try. Write what's hard and then what's
here in your journal or even in a notesap Draw
two columns, the left side what's hard right now? The
(07:40):
right side, what's still good right now. When you can
see both on the same page, your brain learns that
gratitude doesn't erase struggle, it coexists with it. And this
has been a game changer in my life because we
constantly think, wait, I shouldn't feel this emotion. And when
(08:02):
you feel you shouldn't feel an emotion, you now start
to feel guilt and shame. And when guilt and shame takeover,
we get into a really dark and difficult place. I
also want you to try this. Replace at least with
and we often say things like at least I still
have a job. That phrase minimizes your feelings. Try saying
(08:24):
this instead, this is hard and I'm grateful I still
have a job. That simple word and instead of at least,
keeps your experience whole. The other principle inside of this
is feel it. Don't force it. If you can't feel grateful,
don't fake it. Start smaller. Notice one thing that doesn't
(08:46):
hurt today, a warm shower, breathing your favorite song. Gratitude
isn't a performance, its presence. When you stop using gratitude
as a mask and start using it as medicine, it
doesn't numb you, it nourishes you. You stop pretending your
life is perfect and start realizing it's real way Number
(09:09):
two is start with what stayed. When life falls apart,
focus on what remained. We usually focus on everything that
was lost, changed, or disappeared, but ask yourself, who checked
on you? What part of yourself showed up when everything
else fell away. When life falls apart, our minds go
(09:30):
straight to what's missing. The job we lost, the person
who left, the dream that didn't happen. We replay it,
analyze it, try to understand it, but rarely do we
stop and ask what stayed. Because even when everything changes,
something always remains. Maybe it's your best friend who still
(09:52):
picks up the phone. Maybe it's your morning walk, your
sense of humor, your faith, or the strength you didn't
know you had. Attitude doesn't mean ignoring the loss. It
means anchoring yourself to what's still here. When you start
with what stayed, you remind yourself that not everything was
(10:12):
taken from you. Every time you lose something, life is
also showing you something that stayed, what can't be taken,
what's real, And when you focus on that, you stop
feeling like you're rebuilding from zero, because you're not. You're
rebuilding from truth. The strongest people aren't the ones who
(10:35):
never lost anything. They're the ones who recognize what stayed,
who noticed what remained, who see who is still around
when everyone left them, because they recognize that this was
all they ever had. Anyway, Try this, write down three
things that didn't leave you this year. A friend, a habit,
(10:57):
a value, whatever it may be. That list is your
real foundation. Step number three, Gratitude through contrast. You don't
need to be grateful for what's perfect, just grateful for
what's better than before. We spend so much of our
lives looking sideways, scrolling, comparing, measuring ourselves against everyone else's
(11:20):
highlight reel. Gratitude doesn't grow when you look at others.
It grows when you look back at yourself. Because comparison
to others triggers envy and scarcity, but comparison to your
past self reveals evidence of growth. You see how far
you've actually come, not how far ahead other people are.
(11:42):
Think about it when you're climbing a mountain, climbing a hill.
If you're on a hike and you're constantly looking at
the people who are ahead of you, you feel despondent,
You feel disappointed, you feel harsh on yourself. You might
have that inner critic. But if you turn and look
back out how far you've can't you feel inspired and motivated.
(12:03):
Stop comparing yourself to other people. If you're going to
compare yourself, only compare yourself to a past version of yourself.
When you compare yourself to others, it distracts you. When
you compare yourself to where you were, it motivates you.
Think about this. The things you take for granted right now,
(12:26):
or once things you prayed for. The calm you feel
today used to be chaos. The strength you have now
was once survival mode. When you compare you to you,
gratitude becomes self compassion, not competition. So the next time
you catch yourself thinking you're behind, ask a different question,
(12:48):
am I further along than I was? If the answer
is yes, even slightly, that's something to thank yourself for.
Gratitude isn't about being ahead of anyone, about recognizing you're
not who you used to be. You don't need a
new life to feel grateful, just a new lens to
see how far you've come. Radarlia once said to me,
(13:12):
pain plus reflection equals progress. That's resilience reflecting on your pain.
You've been through so much you have been through so much.
You've done so many difficult things. When you recognize and
reflect on them, you get more energy for future challenges.
(13:35):
If you compare yourself to everyone else's timeline, you will
always feel behind. If you compare yourself to where you were,
you will always feel ahead. Stop comparing yourself to people
who have their own pace. If you keep comparing your
life to someone else's, you'll start doubting blessings you once
(13:56):
prayed for. Everyone's ahead in something and behind in something else.
Comparison makes you chase timelines that were never meant for you.
You don't need to catch up. You need to come
back to your own pace, your own story, your own timing.
The truth is most people aren't doing better than you,
(14:19):
they're just posting faster. Step four is called micro gratitude.
(14:41):
The ten second pause. Forget journaling pages of gratitude lists
throughout your day. Take ten seconds to say, something good
is happening right now, the coffee eroma, the sound of laughter,
the sunlight through your window. Neurologically, this rewires you'r amygdala,
the brains fear center to recognize safety cues. That's how
(15:03):
gratitude calms anxiety. In real time, and then feel it
in your body, not just in your head. Thinking about
gratitude doesn't change you feeling it does. When you recall
a moment you're thankful for, breathe and notice where you
feel it. Warmth in your chest, softness in your jaw,
ease in your shoulders. Harvard research shows that embodied gratitude
(15:27):
triggers oxytocin release, the connection hormone. It's like giving your
nervous system a hug. Then reframe the waiting season when
your life isn't where you want it to be. It's
easy to resent waiting, but the truth is growth seasons
rarely look glamorous. This changed my life when I learned it.
Bamboo spends five years growing roots underground before it breaks
(15:52):
the surface. You're not behind, you're building underneath. Gratitude in
this phase means thanking the roots, not the flowers. When
you're in a waiting season, it feels like everyone else
is moving, getting promoted, falling in love, figuring it out.
When you're stuck refreshing the same page of your life,
(16:13):
you start to wonder if you've done something wrong, if
the universe forgot about you, or if the dream you're
chasing even exists. But the truth is, waiting seasons aren't wasted,
they're preparing. Every seed spends time underground before it sees light.
The bamboo plant spends years growing invisible roots before it
(16:34):
shoots up ninety feet in a matter of weeks. If
you judged it during the waiting, you think nothing was happening,
but everything was the same is true for you. The
waiting season is where your roots deepen, your patience, your humility,
your trust, your character. What looks like delay is often designed.
(16:57):
It's usually growth in a different direction. Let me give
you an example. No one ever walks into a building
and says, I love the foundation of this building. People
like the colors, the aesthetics, everything else, But without the foundation,
the building doesn't even exist. So instead of asking why
isn't it happening yet? Try asking who am I becoming
(17:20):
while I wait? Because one day the doors will open
and the person you've become in the choet will be
the reason you're ready to walk through them. Please don't
feel behind because you think someone else is ahead. You're
not in the same race. You're not even running on
the same track. Their pace has nothing to do with
(17:43):
your purpose. The truth is, nobody's really ahead. They're just
in a different chapter, learning a different lesson. Maybe theirs
is about arrival and yours is about becoming. Maybe they
got what they wanted, but you'll learn learning what actually matters.
Every path has its own timing. Some people bloom in
(18:06):
their twenties, others in their forties. Some find love early,
others find themselves first. Life doesn't reward the fastest, It
rewards the most faithful. Step. Number seven, Borrow gratitude when
you can't find your own. If you can't feel grateful
(18:28):
for your own life, witness someone else's joy. Watch a
kid play, an old couple laugh, a friend, achieve something,
and let yourself smile for them. Research from Emory University
found that observing someone else's gratitude activates the same brain
regions as feeling it yourself. Gratitude is contagious. Sometimes you
(18:50):
just need to borrow it. When you're in a season
of envy, when everyone else's joy, it feels like a
reminder of what you don't have. That's exactly when borrowing
gratitude matters the most. It sounds strange, but gratitude isn't
always something you feel. Sometimes it's something you witness when
your heart can't access gratitude. Start by noticing someone else's
(19:14):
joy without judgment. Watch your child laugh uncontrollably, a friend
get engaged, a stranger dance like nobody's watching. Instead of
tightening with envy, whisper quietly to yourself, that's beautiful. You
don't need to feel it for you yet, Just let
yourself feel it for them. Next, turn envy into information.
(19:38):
Ask what does their happiness show me about what I
truly desire. Envy isn't proof you're ungrateful. It's a compass
pointing towards something meaningful. Once you name what that is, love, recognition, freedom, purpose,
you can begin to thank life for showing you what
you value, and finally, practice proxy gratitude. When you can't
(20:01):
say I'm happy for me, say I'm happy for them.
Over time, that emotion builds emotional muscle memory. The more
you celebrate others blessings, the less your own heart stays closed.
Because joy isn't a limited resource, it's a shared current.
When you borrow someone else's gratitude, you're not stealing it,
(20:23):
you're learning how to feel again. Being happy for someone
when you're winning is easy. Your coppers fall, your confidence
is steady, and their success feels like a reflection of abundance.
But being happy for someone when you're losing, that's the
real test. That's when envy whispers that life is unfair,
(20:44):
that their moments somehow took yours. But here's the truth.
Their light doesn't demures, It just reveals where your wounds
still want healing. Being happy for someone when you're losing
isn't about tending your fine. It's about saying I'm proud
of them even while I'm hurting. That's emotional maturity, that strength.
(21:09):
Step number eight, Thank the version of you that survived.
Write a thank you note to your past self, the
one who kept going when it was hard. Neuroscientists call
this the self compassion recall. It activates the medial prefrontal cortex,
increasing emotional regulation and self worth. We spend so much
(21:32):
time trying to move on from our past that we
forget to thank the person who got us through it.
The version of you who stayed up all night worrying
but still showed up to work, The one who loved
people who didn't love that, the one who held everything
together when no one noticed. That version wasn't perfect, but
(21:53):
they were powerful. Without them, you wouldn't be here. Thanking
the version of you who's survived isn't self indulgence, it's
self respect. It's saying you did the best you could
with what you had, and that was enough. Most of
us skipped this step. We rushed to become wiser, calmer,
(22:14):
more healed. But the you who endured is the foundation
of the you who's evolving. Thank the version of you
who survived, the one who held it together when everything
felt like it was falling apart, the one who got
out of bed when they didn't want to, who went
to work with a broken heart. Thank the version of
you who didn't have the answers but kept going anyway,
(22:37):
who made decisions they weren't proud of, but did the
best they could with what they knew, who stayed kind
even when life wasn't. You don't have to hate who
you were just because you've grown. That version of you
wasn't weak. They were doing what it took to survive.
You don't owe them judgment. You owe them gratitude because
(22:59):
without them, you wouldn't be here trying again, healing, rebuilding, becoming.
I truly hope this episode inspires you with gratitude so
that you can truly find meaning in your life. Create
more memories to be grateful for, and share gratitude with
anyone and everyone. Choose one person personally and one person
(23:22):
professionally for the next seven days to share gratitude with.
Don't keep it in a journal or a book or
a page, go and share it with real people and
watch how your life changes. Thanks so much for listening today.
I love spending this time for you and remember and
forever in your corner and always rooting for you. Take care.
(23:43):
If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode
with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how
to speak to yourself with more compassion. My fears are
only going to continue to show me what I'm capable of.
More that I face my fears, the more that I
feel I'm gaining strength, I'm gaining wisdom, and I just
(24:05):
want to keep doing that.
Gratitude is contagious. Sometimes you just need to borrow it.
When you're in a season of envy, when everyone else's joy,
it feels like a reminder of what you don't have.
That's exactly when borrowing gratitude matters the most. It sounds strange,
but gratitude isn't always something you feel. Sometimes it's something
you witness. When your heart can't access gratitude, start by
(00:24):
noticing someone else's joy without judgment. The number one health
and wellness podcast, Jay said Jay Sheddy, Hey, everyone, welcome
back to On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Sheddy, author
of New York Times best selling books Think Like a
Monk and Eight Rules of Love. If you haven't read either,
(00:47):
I hope you take a moment to go and grab
your copy. If you love this podcast, I promise you
you'll love the ancient wisdom, modern science, and insight inside
the books. Now to today episode, Let's be honest When
life isn't where you want it to be. The word
gratitude can feel fake. You know you should be thankful,
(01:10):
but you look at your bank account, your job, your
relationship status, and it just feels hollow, Especially when someone
comes up to you and says something like, be grateful
for what you have. You should be thankful, You should
be grateful, but sometimes that feels like being told to
smile while everything falls apart. Today, I'm going to share
(01:31):
with you practical, thoughtful, powerful steps to actually help you
understand gratitude and implement it, especially when you don't feel
like it. Not the forced kind, the kind that reconnects
you to yourself, the kind that helps you breathe again.
And the reason is one of my favorite quotes that
(01:52):
I read a long time ago, says, when you're grateful
for what you have, you receive more to be grateful for.
What's also true is when you're grateful for what you have,
when you have more, you'll be able to be grateful.
Our mind tricks us into believing that when I have more,
then I'll be thankful. When I get that promotion, then
(02:12):
I'll be grateful. When my life shifts in this way,
then I can appreciate it, not realizing that what we're
living today was yesterday's dream. Where we are right now
is what we prayed for two years ago. What you're
achieving and receiving today is something you never even imagined,
but now that you have it and it feels familiar.
(02:34):
It breaks it down. Number one, Separate gratitude from denial.
You don't have to pretend everything's okay to be grateful.
True gratitude isn't saying it's fine. It's saying, even though
it's not fine, there's still something worth noticing. It's not
(02:55):
saying I'm going to pretend to avoid all the difficult things.
I'm going to pretend to avoid all the negative things,
and I'm just going to act like everything's perfect. That's
lying to yourself. That's toxic positivity. The science says people
who acknowledge their struggles and gratitude experience higher resilience and
(03:15):
lower depression than those who fake positivity. That's mind blowing.
Think about that for a second. You actually saying, hey,
this is not working out in my life, but I'm
really grateful for this friend. Not as a counterbalance, right,
You're not trying to make it equal. You're simply saying,
I see both of these things. In reality. I see
that my career isn't going the way I want, but
(03:35):
I'm really grateful that I have a great group of friends.
That's going to reduce your depression. Most of us learned
gratitude as a kind of emotional cover up when things
go wrong. People say, just be grateful, But that advice
can land like a slap when you're hurting, because gratitude
is never meant to erase your pain. It was meant
to sit beside it. Let me say that again. Gratitude
(03:59):
was never meant to erase your pain. It was meant
to sit beside it. Separating gratitude from denial means giving
yourself permission to be both honest and hopeful. People don't
talk about how annoying it is when someone says, just
be grateful. You can be thankful and tired. You can
(04:21):
appreciate what's good without pretending everything is good. When we
use gratitude to suppress how we feel, it becomes toxic.
It disconnects us from our own truth. But when we
let it coexist with pain, it becomes healing. Psychologists call
this emotional granularity, the ability to hold complex emotions at once.
(04:46):
Studies show people who can acknowledge both joy and sorrow
are more resilient, less anxious, and bounce back faster from setbacks.
Gratitude isn't about pretending the store isn't there. It's standing
in the rain and still being able to say, even now,
(05:07):
something in me is alive, learning becoming. That's not denial,
that's awakening. And learn to say both truths out loud.
Start your gratitude sentences with even though so, for example,
even though I feel lonely, I'm grateful I still have
(05:29):
people who care. Even though work is stressful, I'm grateful
I'm learning new skills. It trains your mind to hold
two realities at once, pain and perspective. That's balance, not denial.
What we tend to do is do one or the other.
We tend to focus on everything that's going wrong. We've
(05:50):
all been there, or we tend to focus on everything
that's going right. And then what happens when you fake
that everything's going right. All it takes is one little
thing to trip you up. And when you believe everything's
going wrong, will you just keep digging a deeper hole
for yourself? Please start looking at your life and your
(06:10):
world not as equal, not as perfectly balanced, but being
able to notice the challenges and being able to notice
the growth. Life isn't about what happens to you, It's
about what you notice that is happening to you. And
so many of us only choose to notice the negative, difficult,
(06:32):
challenging things, and we miss out and forget the beautiful, powerful,
incredible things. Step number two, stop using gratitude to shut
down emotion. If you catch yourself saying I shouldn't feel sad,
other people have it worse, pause, that's not gratitude, that's
guilt in disguise. Instead, say I can feel sad and
(06:57):
still appreciate what I have. You're not dis qualifying your feelings,
you're integrating them. I think what's really interesting about that
point is a lot of us almost feel like we're
not allowed to feel sad. We don't think we have
the permission to be sad. Now. The truth is everyone
will generally find someone who's worse off than them. But
(07:19):
it's not about comparing your pain because then you're not
allowing it to live there. You're not allowing it to
float through you and process it. So here's what I
want you to try. Write what's hard and then what's
here in your journal or even in a notesap Draw
two columns, the left side what's hard right now? The
(07:40):
right side, what's still good right now. When you can
see both on the same page, your brain learns that
gratitude doesn't erase struggle, it coexists with it. And this
has been a game changer in my life because we
constantly think, wait, I shouldn't feel this emotion. And when
(08:02):
you feel you shouldn't feel an emotion, you now start
to feel guilt and shame. And when guilt and shame takeover,
we get into a really dark and difficult place. I
also want you to try this. Replace at least with
and we often say things like at least I still
have a job. That phrase minimizes your feelings. Try saying
(08:24):
this instead, this is hard and I'm grateful I still
have a job. That simple word and instead of at least,
keeps your experience whole. The other principle inside of this
is feel it. Don't force it. If you can't feel grateful,
don't fake it. Start smaller. Notice one thing that doesn't
(08:46):
hurt today, a warm shower, breathing your favorite song. Gratitude
isn't a performance, its presence. When you stop using gratitude
as a mask and start using it as medicine, it
doesn't numb you, it nourishes you. You stop pretending your
life is perfect and start realizing it's real way Number
(09:09):
two is start with what stayed. When life falls apart,
focus on what remained. We usually focus on everything that
was lost, changed, or disappeared, but ask yourself, who checked
on you? What part of yourself showed up when everything
else fell away. When life falls apart, our minds go
(09:30):
straight to what's missing. The job we lost, the person
who left, the dream that didn't happen. We replay it,
analyze it, try to understand it, but rarely do we
stop and ask what stayed. Because even when everything changes,
something always remains. Maybe it's your best friend who still
(09:52):
picks up the phone. Maybe it's your morning walk, your
sense of humor, your faith, or the strength you didn't
know you had. Attitude doesn't mean ignoring the loss. It
means anchoring yourself to what's still here. When you start
with what stayed, you remind yourself that not everything was
(10:12):
taken from you. Every time you lose something, life is
also showing you something that stayed, what can't be taken,
what's real, And when you focus on that, you stop
feeling like you're rebuilding from zero, because you're not. You're
rebuilding from truth. The strongest people aren't the ones who
(10:35):
never lost anything. They're the ones who recognize what stayed,
who noticed what remained, who see who is still around
when everyone left them, because they recognize that this was
all they ever had. Anyway, Try this, write down three
things that didn't leave you this year. A friend, a habit,
(10:57):
a value, whatever it may be. That list is your
real foundation. Step number three, Gratitude through contrast. You don't
need to be grateful for what's perfect, just grateful for
what's better than before. We spend so much of our
lives looking sideways, scrolling, comparing, measuring ourselves against everyone else's
(11:20):
highlight reel. Gratitude doesn't grow when you look at others.
It grows when you look back at yourself. Because comparison
to others triggers envy and scarcity, but comparison to your
past self reveals evidence of growth. You see how far
you've actually come, not how far ahead other people are.
(11:42):
Think about it when you're climbing a mountain, climbing a hill.
If you're on a hike and you're constantly looking at
the people who are ahead of you, you feel despondent,
You feel disappointed, you feel harsh on yourself. You might
have that inner critic. But if you turn and look
back out how far you've can't you feel inspired and motivated.
(12:03):
Stop comparing yourself to other people. If you're going to
compare yourself, only compare yourself to a past version of yourself.
When you compare yourself to others, it distracts you. When
you compare yourself to where you were, it motivates you.
Think about this. The things you take for granted right now,
(12:26):
or once things you prayed for. The calm you feel
today used to be chaos. The strength you have now
was once survival mode. When you compare you to you,
gratitude becomes self compassion, not competition. So the next time
you catch yourself thinking you're behind, ask a different question,
(12:48):
am I further along than I was? If the answer
is yes, even slightly, that's something to thank yourself for.
Gratitude isn't about being ahead of anyone, about recognizing you're
not who you used to be. You don't need a
new life to feel grateful, just a new lens to
see how far you've come. Radarlia once said to me,
(13:12):
pain plus reflection equals progress. That's resilience reflecting on your pain.
You've been through so much you have been through so much.
You've done so many difficult things. When you recognize and
reflect on them, you get more energy for future challenges.
(13:35):
If you compare yourself to everyone else's timeline, you will
always feel behind. If you compare yourself to where you were,
you will always feel ahead. Stop comparing yourself to people
who have their own pace. If you keep comparing your
life to someone else's, you'll start doubting blessings you once
(13:56):
prayed for. Everyone's ahead in something and behind in something else.
Comparison makes you chase timelines that were never meant for you.
You don't need to catch up. You need to come
back to your own pace, your own story, your own timing.
The truth is most people aren't doing better than you,
(14:19):
they're just posting faster. Step four is called micro gratitude.
(14:41):
The ten second pause. Forget journaling pages of gratitude lists
throughout your day. Take ten seconds to say, something good
is happening right now, the coffee eroma, the sound of laughter,
the sunlight through your window. Neurologically, this rewires you'r amygdala,
the brains fear center to recognize safety cues. That's how
(15:03):
gratitude calms anxiety. In real time, and then feel it
in your body, not just in your head. Thinking about
gratitude doesn't change you feeling it does. When you recall
a moment you're thankful for, breathe and notice where you
feel it. Warmth in your chest, softness in your jaw,
ease in your shoulders. Harvard research shows that embodied gratitude
(15:27):
triggers oxytocin release, the connection hormone. It's like giving your
nervous system a hug. Then reframe the waiting season when
your life isn't where you want it to be. It's
easy to resent waiting, but the truth is growth seasons
rarely look glamorous. This changed my life when I learned it.
Bamboo spends five years growing roots underground before it breaks
(15:52):
the surface. You're not behind, you're building underneath. Gratitude in
this phase means thanking the roots, not the flowers. When
you're in a waiting season, it feels like everyone else
is moving, getting promoted, falling in love, figuring it out.
When you're stuck refreshing the same page of your life,
(16:13):
you start to wonder if you've done something wrong, if
the universe forgot about you, or if the dream you're
chasing even exists. But the truth is, waiting seasons aren't wasted,
they're preparing. Every seed spends time underground before it sees light.
The bamboo plant spends years growing invisible roots before it
(16:34):
shoots up ninety feet in a matter of weeks. If
you judged it during the waiting, you think nothing was happening,
but everything was the same is true for you. The
waiting season is where your roots deepen, your patience, your humility,
your trust, your character. What looks like delay is often designed.
(16:57):
It's usually growth in a different direction. Let me give
you an example. No one ever walks into a building
and says, I love the foundation of this building. People
like the colors, the aesthetics, everything else, But without the foundation,
the building doesn't even exist. So instead of asking why
isn't it happening yet? Try asking who am I becoming
(17:20):
while I wait? Because one day the doors will open
and the person you've become in the choet will be
the reason you're ready to walk through them. Please don't
feel behind because you think someone else is ahead. You're
not in the same race. You're not even running on
the same track. Their pace has nothing to do with
(17:43):
your purpose. The truth is, nobody's really ahead. They're just
in a different chapter, learning a different lesson. Maybe theirs
is about arrival and yours is about becoming. Maybe they
got what they wanted, but you'll learn learning what actually matters.
Every path has its own timing. Some people bloom in
(18:06):
their twenties, others in their forties. Some find love early,
others find themselves first. Life doesn't reward the fastest, It
rewards the most faithful. Step. Number seven, Borrow gratitude when
you can't find your own. If you can't feel grateful
(18:28):
for your own life, witness someone else's joy. Watch a
kid play, an old couple laugh, a friend, achieve something,
and let yourself smile for them. Research from Emory University
found that observing someone else's gratitude activates the same brain
regions as feeling it yourself. Gratitude is contagious. Sometimes you
(18:50):
just need to borrow it. When you're in a season
of envy, when everyone else's joy, it feels like a
reminder of what you don't have. That's exactly when borrowing
gratitude matters the most. It sounds strange, but gratitude isn't
always something you feel. Sometimes it's something you witness when
your heart can't access gratitude. Start by noticing someone else's
(19:14):
joy without judgment. Watch your child laugh uncontrollably, a friend
get engaged, a stranger dance like nobody's watching. Instead of
tightening with envy, whisper quietly to yourself, that's beautiful. You
don't need to feel it for you yet, Just let
yourself feel it for them. Next, turn envy into information.
(19:38):
Ask what does their happiness show me about what I
truly desire. Envy isn't proof you're ungrateful. It's a compass
pointing towards something meaningful. Once you name what that is, love, recognition, freedom, purpose,
you can begin to thank life for showing you what
you value, and finally, practice proxy gratitude. When you can't
(20:01):
say I'm happy for me, say I'm happy for them.
Over time, that emotion builds emotional muscle memory. The more
you celebrate others blessings, the less your own heart stays closed.
Because joy isn't a limited resource, it's a shared current.
When you borrow someone else's gratitude, you're not stealing it,
(20:23):
you're learning how to feel again. Being happy for someone
when you're winning is easy. Your coppers fall, your confidence
is steady, and their success feels like a reflection of abundance.
But being happy for someone when you're losing, that's the
real test. That's when envy whispers that life is unfair,
(20:44):
that their moments somehow took yours. But here's the truth.
Their light doesn't demures, It just reveals where your wounds
still want healing. Being happy for someone when you're losing
isn't about tending your fine. It's about saying I'm proud
of them even while I'm hurting. That's emotional maturity, that strength.
(21:09):
Step number eight, Thank the version of you that survived.
Write a thank you note to your past self, the
one who kept going when it was hard. Neuroscientists call
this the self compassion recall. It activates the medial prefrontal cortex,
increasing emotional regulation and self worth. We spend so much
(21:32):
time trying to move on from our past that we
forget to thank the person who got us through it.
The version of you who stayed up all night worrying
but still showed up to work, The one who loved
people who didn't love that, the one who held everything
together when no one noticed. That version wasn't perfect, but
(21:53):
they were powerful. Without them, you wouldn't be here. Thanking
the version of you who's survived isn't self indulgence, it's
self respect. It's saying you did the best you could
with what you had, and that was enough. Most of
us skipped this step. We rushed to become wiser, calmer,
(22:14):
more healed. But the you who endured is the foundation
of the you who's evolving. Thank the version of you
who survived, the one who held it together when everything
felt like it was falling apart, the one who got
out of bed when they didn't want to, who went
to work with a broken heart. Thank the version of
you who didn't have the answers but kept going anyway,
(22:37):
who made decisions they weren't proud of, but did the
best they could with what they knew, who stayed kind
even when life wasn't. You don't have to hate who
you were just because you've grown. That version of you
wasn't weak. They were doing what it took to survive.
You don't owe them judgment. You owe them gratitude because
(22:59):
without them, you wouldn't be here trying again, healing, rebuilding, becoming.
I truly hope this episode inspires you with gratitude so
that you can truly find meaning in your life. Create
more memories to be grateful for, and share gratitude with
anyone and everyone. Choose one person personally and one person
(23:22):
professionally for the next seven days to share gratitude with.
Don't keep it in a journal or a book or
a page, go and share it with real people and
watch how your life changes. Thanks so much for listening today.
I love spending this time for you and remember and
forever in your corner and always rooting for you. Take care.
(23:43):
If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode
with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how
to speak to yourself with more compassion. My fears are
only going to continue to show me what I'm capable of.
More that I face my fears, the more that I
feel I'm gaining strength, I'm gaining wisdom, and I just
(24:05):
want to keep doing that.
Host
Jay Shetty
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