October 11, 2024 • 26 mins
Have you ever struggled to change a habit?
Do you think forcing someone to change ever works?
Today, Jay dives deep into one of the most frequently asked questions: Can people really change? Drawing from a mix of personal stories, scientific research, and spiritual wisdom, Jay sheds light on the complexities of human behavior, how change unfolds, and why it can often seem so elusive.
One of the key insights Jay offers is the distinction between acknowledgment and accountability. Many people acknowledge they need to change, but accountability—taking full responsibility for how their actions impact others and making a concrete plan to improve—is much harder to achieve. Without this deeper level of self-awareness and commitment, lasting change remains out of reach.
Jay provides practical advice for those navigating relationships with people who seem resistant to change. He outlines key signs to look for that indicate someone is truly ready to change, including self-awareness, accountability, and a genuine desire to improve. He also stresses the importance of patience and empathy, reminding listeners that change is often a gradual process, filled with setbacks and oscillations between old and new behaviors.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to encourage change without forcing it
How to help someone become self-aware
How to support someone’s change process
How to communicate about change in relationships
How to accept that change must come from within
Patience, empathy, and an understanding of the complexities of human behavior are key to supporting both ourselves and others in the pursuit of meaningful evolution.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:37 Is There Someone In Your Life You Wish Would Change?
04:24 Core Personality Traits Are Difficult to Change
07:46 Signs that Someone is Likely to Change
08:25 #1: They Take Accountability and Has Self-Awareness
10:18 #2: They Must Have the Motivation to Change
14:19 Change Doesn’t Happen Right Away
16:59 Signs that Someone is Changing
18:57 How a Community Can Trigger Change
21:30 How Do You Start a Healthy Conversation with Your Partner?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, it's Jay. Most people know me as a
podcast host, entrepreneur, and author, But did you know that
I've been writing a newsletter every single week for the
last four years. It's called Weekly Wisdom. In each newsletter,
I answer a question from one of my seven hundred
thousand readers. I give my best insights and advice, helping
(00:23):
my readers find purposeful and spiritual solutions to their everyday problems.
My goal here isn't to tell you how to live
your life, but to guide you in the direction of
your best possible future. If you'd like to get my
newsletter send to your inbox every Thursday, just go to
jshetdynewsletter dot com to sign up. Now that's Jayshettynewsletter dot com.
(00:48):
A brand new newsletter comes out every week. I can't
wait for you to read it. A lot of us
have to recognize that change is something that has to
come from within. They have to feel like this new
life will be good for them, but they have to
know it in their language, with their reasons. They have
to commit to that change. Is someone telling you they're
(01:12):
going to change, or is someone showing you the signs
that they're ready to commit to change the number one
health and wellness podcast, Jay Shed Jay Sheidy, Hey everyone,
welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you for trusting me
with your time and energy. I don't take it for granted,
(01:34):
and I'm so grateful that you've chosen to be with
me here today. It's been an incredible few weeks. We've
had everyone from Sean Mendes to Andrew Huberman on the podcast,
Nicole Leperra, incredible therapist and thinker, and so many more
amazing guests yet to come. I also hope you've been
taking a look at my solo podcast because there have
(01:58):
been some workshops that have resonated with you recently. But
I'm guessing you're here today because there's someone in your
life that you wish would change. Maybe it's your partner,
maybe it's a parent, Maybe it's someone in your professional
environment at work. Maybe it's a sibling. Either way, there's
(02:19):
someone in your life that you're wishing, waiting and wanting
for to change. And maybe you've tried or ready to
help them change. Maybe you've pushed them to change. Maybe
you even made the mistake of forcing them to change.
And you're sitting there right now, going Jay, I just
(02:40):
don't know if they're ever going to change. Can people change?
That's our question for today. That's what you're thinking about,
and that's what I'm going to guide you through over
the next thirty minutes or so to recognize what is change?
What does it look like? Is it possible? If you
(03:00):
want to know if that person will ever change, this
episodees for you. If you're struggling with someone because they're
not changing, this episodes for you. And if you're someone
who's just trying to figure it out, this episode is
for you. Now. The first thing I want to do
is take a very factual look at change. When we
look at change in society, change in community, change individually.
(03:24):
Studies show that forming a habit can take anywhere from
eighteen to two hundred and fifty four days, with an
average of sixty six days to form a habit. But
that's not the kind of change you're talking about. When
we're asking this question can people really change, We're talking
about something far more core or fundamental. We're talking about values.
(03:49):
We're talking about attitudes, behaviors, mindsets. Right, maybe you want
someone to change the way they appreciate you. Maybe you
want someone to change the way they think about care.
Maybe you want someone to change the way they talk
to you, communicate with you. Maybe you want to change
the way someone behaves with you. Adapting to change, study
(04:13):
show can take around ninety days, and seeing significant change
in society can take thirty years or more. Notice the
difference changing a habit average sixty six days, adapting to
a change ninety days, Seeing norms set into society thirty years.
(04:34):
So we've got to look at the person and we've
got to empathize and be compassionate and realize are they
trying to change a habit, are they adapting to a change,
or really is it that we're hoping that they change
a norm in their life? Now, I want to give
you an answer in short that of course people can change,
(04:55):
but different parts of them take longer to change. And
there are four There are far more aspects that are
unchangeable than we believe. And when I say unchangeable, I
don't mean that it's impossible or will never happen. I
mean that the waiting time may be so long that
it may feel like forever. So one interesting study talks
(05:19):
about this idea of how it's actually quite hard over
time for people to change core personality traits. So people
can change their personality, but it's hard to change core
personality straits, Like if someone's an extrovert or an introvert,
it's hard to change. Someone's not just going to shift
(05:41):
from one to the other. If someone's a homebody or
wants to travel the world, that's not going to change overnight.
If someone is more likely to be opened than closed
emotionally available, it's not easy for someone who's emotionally disconnected
or unavailable to suddenly become available overnight. These are far
(06:02):
more core personality traits that are much more difficult to
see changes in now. One study I looked at talks
about how hurtful behaviors such as lying, cheating, dismissing, or controlling,
and this is from psych Central. They say are often
habits that turn into harmful behavior patterns, and research from
(06:26):
twenty twenty explains personality may be shaped by an interaction
between multiple sources from genes to events and social relationships,
rather than only one source. The study goes on to
say that personality development isn't linear and changes in either.
So what's really interesting about that is even when people change,
(06:48):
we think of changes linear, We think that if someone changes,
everything changes, when actually what happens in reality is that
even if someone changes, chances are they're going to oscillate
back and forth to their form myself. So you're going
to constantly ask the question, Wait a minute, I thought
you changed. Wait a minute, I thought you understood. Wait
a minute, I thought you got the message. And the
(07:10):
truth is it's more likely that someone's going to oscillate
back and forth until they get there. So behavior can
be learned and unlearned. But the amount of time it
can take, the levels it can go to in order
for that to happen can be very, very hard to
go through. Now here's the reality I want to get
(07:32):
through to you. You can't change anyone. You can only
change yourself. You can't force someone to change. You can't
push someone to change. You can't beg someone to change.
They will change when they want to change. They will
change when they feel a need to change. They will
(07:54):
change when they're ready for change. When it impacts them
so badly that they're not changing, that's when they'll choose
to change. Changing someone else is not within your control,
and trying to find ways to do it can be exhausting.
So what I'd rather give you is signs that someone
(08:15):
is likely to change, because often what we do is
we keep asking the question can people change? And really
it's the wrong question, because people can change, But is
the person that you're with likely to change? Is the
person that you're talking about likely to change? These are
the signs that they're likely to change, And that's a healthier, better,
(08:36):
smarter question to ask, because what you're really asking when
you ask can people change? Is my person going to change?
Are they going to be different? And there are certain
signs that point you in the right direction. The first
one is they own up and take accountability and are
self aware about not only what change is acquired, but
(09:01):
why the change is required. Sometimes someone will say to you,
I know I need to change. I know it isn't right,
and we get so happy and elated that they acknowledged
it that we take that acknowledgment as accountability. There's a difference.
There is a difference between acknowledgment and accountability. Acknowledgment is
recognizing something. Accountability is reconciling something. Let me say that again.
(09:28):
Acknowledgment is recognizing something. Accountability is reconciling something. When you're
accountable you actually have the ability to articulate what the
problem is, why it exists, and how you're going to
show up in the future. You're taking accountability for your actions,
(09:50):
your behaviors, and you're able to see the connection between
how you act and how it affects the other person.
I promise you that most people that you're talking to
are simply acknowledging the problem. They're not actually taking accountability.
But because we don't know the difference, we assume they're
the same thing. Now, assuming they're the same thing isn't
(10:12):
a great idea, because if you assume that they're the
same thing, then you think someone's taken accountability. But no
accountability means I know how my actions affected you. I
know why my actions affected you. I can articulate it,
and I know how my actions affect you, and I
know which actions I need to change, and by the way,
(10:33):
I know why I need to change them. I know
why I am that way. Notice the difference between acknowledgment
and accountability. Now, once someone's taken accountability, they have to
want to change. They have to have the proper motivation
to change, because just because someone can articulate and take
(10:55):
accountability doesn't mean that they feel the need to. They
have to feel that change is necessary. If you look
at most humans, we only change when we believe something's necessary. Right.
If we think something's going to end, we change. If
we think something new is going to start, we change, right,
(11:16):
We change when it happens. Most people want to get
promoted before they change their performance, not realizing that you
get a promotion because you changed your performance. There's a
reason why the famous phrase of you don't know what
you've got until it's gone, because we wait till we
lose something to know we should have changed. That's how
(11:37):
human behavior, in the human mind works is we constantly
feel that until something's necessary, until something is required of me,
I won't do it. Until I feel the pressure to,
I won't do it. What often we do is we
try and put that pressure on that person to change.
We try and force them to change, but we don't
realize that if they change for us, but they don't
(11:59):
know why they're changing, they may actually feel regret. I
like to think about this through a scenario. If someone
changes for you, then that means that they didn't really
go through the process within themselves. They haven't really looked
at the value, and therefore they may actually be depressed
about that change. They may be down about that change.
(12:22):
They may not wish that change ever happened to them.
I'll give you an example. RATHERI and me. Radi always
told me that all she wanted to do was live
close to her family. And I wanted that for her
because I love her family and I know how much
she loves them. And then when I got the opportunity,
of course, to move across the world, to change my career,
change my life and do what I get to do today,
(12:43):
and Rather, and I've already married, and it was a
hard change for Radi, and I said to Radi that
I didn't want her to move for me. I wanted
her to do it because she saw value it and
she could find it for herself. Now she had to
adapt to that change. It was hard for her, and
I was trying my best to help her with that change.
I didn't want her to change, and I didn't want
(13:03):
her to feel pressure to change, because I realized that
unless something comes from within, unless something comes from that person,
they are never really going to fully commit to it.
And that's what's really interesting. Sometimes we're trying to get
people to change. On the surface, we're trying to get
people to change in behavior for us, and we don't
(13:23):
realize that when they do that, not only does it
not stick, when it doesn't come from within, it doesn't
feel like it's meaningful to them. So they can't truly
get behind that change long term, and they may even
feel like it's your fault. They may feel like it's
a mistake. They may feel like it was the worst
decision they made in the long term, and a lot
(13:46):
of us have to recognize that change is something that
has to come from within. They have to feel like
this new life will be good for them, but they
have to know it in their language, with their reasons.
They have to commit to that change. Is someone telling
you they're going to change, or is someone showing you
(14:06):
the signs that they're ready to commit to change. Okay,
I am so excited about this because we've got the
first ever merch drop for on Purpose. It's finally here
and for World Mental Health. Today we're doing an exclusive
limited edition drop with all the proceeds going to the
(14:30):
National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI. So now you can
wear your on Purpose merch, listen to the podcast and
know that you two are having an impact. I want
to thank you so much in advance. I can't wait
to see all of your pictures wearing the merch, their sweatshirts,
the hat t shirts. Check it out on our website,
jshetdyshop dot com. That's jshettshop dot com. And remember, one
(14:55):
hundred percent of the proceeds go to NAMI. A lot
of the people will say the right thing because they're
people pleasers. They don't want to lose you. They want
to say all the right things to hold on to you,
But they haven't committed to that change right. They haven't
put steps into place, they haven't had the awkward, uncomfortable conversations,
(15:17):
they haven't stepped up and done the things that are
hard for them is someone committing to change. And often
what we do is we just keep going mad. We
keep getting angry at them, saying I wish you to change.
You keep telling me you're going to change, but you
don't change, but they're not committing to that action. One
of the things I've been saying to a lot of
people I know recently is don't expect change to happen
(15:37):
in one therapy session. What we're often hoping is that
lifetimes of work will become clear to someone through a
couple of sessions of therapy. What I mean by that
is our wiring is so deep. There are values that
we've held on too because of our childhood that don't
(15:58):
just disappear because someone else presents a better idea. I'll
give an example, a silly example. If you've always put
your cereal in the ball before your milk, by the way,
that's the normal way, no judgment, right, and you start
dating someone who puts milk in before the cereal, you
don't just switch to doing that right now. That's a
(16:19):
really silly example. It's a really easy change. It doesn't
make a difference. But if you think about it, there
are things you think about first. Sometimes some of you
think about money before you think about people, because that's
how you were raised. You're not going to change that
overnight because you start dating someone who thinks about people
before money, even if it makes logical sense to that person. Right.
(16:42):
People don't just change their values, their core belief systems
overnight just because someone else's sounds good. Right, If someone
believes I've been watching and I'm sure many of you
have seen it, monsters. Now, no matter what you believe,
just taking this idea of even if someone's parents have
done harm to them, have done them wrong, if they
(17:04):
love their parents and feel positively towards them because they
feel somehow, you know, whether it was they felt guilty,
they felt shameful that they had to feel that way,
that's how they were raised. They're not suddenly just going
to see the light because you made them aware of
a few things. Actually, it's very hard for people to
admit that their parents have flaws, that there are challenges,
(17:25):
that there are you know, difficulties there. And you see
that in the Menendez brothers, who struggle to recognize certain challenges. Now,
whatever happened in that scenario, you get the point of
making that it's not easy to acknowledge things that are
so counterintuitive to the way you've been raised. Right, if
(17:47):
your parents were savers not spenders, you're not suddenly going
to realize that actually spending money meaningfully is better for you.
It takes a lot of healing, it takes a lot
of work, it takes a lot of unearthing, and so
one there or a couple of therapy sessions or a
month of therapy or coaching or whatever. Maybe won't make
the change now by the way, you're all chipping away.
But I think when we want someone to change, we're
(18:09):
just hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting that they're just going to change. Now.
Signs that someone's changing is they start to course correct.
When they say something to you that they realize is
their old voice, they call it out. They say, wait
a minute, I just realized that was my old voice speaking.
They start to recognize how the smallest actions are a
(18:33):
representation of their old self. And really that's what it is.
You have to think about it as a transformation from
an old to new self, right, And if someone's transforming
from their old to new self, they will go between
their old and new self. Often it's not like you
transition once. It's almost like saying I'm going to create
(18:54):
eating sugar. It's not like you never eat sugar again. Right.
If you're like I'm going to be healthy out and
work out, it doesn't mean you're never going to miss
a workout again. And sometimes we hold people to really
crazy high standards that doesn't make sense. Right. We want
them to never ever oscillate, we want them to never
(19:15):
ever fall back. The other way we know signs of
change is are we trying to change? Are we trying
to make a difference right? Are we willing to change
as well? Are we able to do the same work
that we're expecting this person to do. Are we willing
to do that same work for ourselves and for this relationship.
(19:37):
A lot of the time, it's really easy to point
out where everyone else needs to change, but it's really
hard to be conscious of where we need to change.
And I think for a lot of us, we're trying
to mold someone into being more like us. We want
them to think like us, we want them to talk
like us. Now, there may be certain value to that,
like you may have some really great skills, and you
(19:58):
may have some really great attributes, But are you willing
to change to some of their better attributes? Are you
aware of their better attributes? Are you able to identify
their better attributes? Or have you lost connection with them?
There's a lot to be said for community and change.
I find that if you're the only person reminding this
(20:18):
person of the positive benefits of change, it's hard to change.
We often need when we hear that phrase of we
are the five people we spend the most time with.
It's so true that someone will not change unless the
people around them change. I've met so many people over
the years who are part of a community who thinks
in a very old fashioned way. They're not going to
(20:39):
suddenly upgrade to a modern way of thinking. I'll give
an example in mining community. Back at home, it's not
normal for our husband and wife to travel separately. So
often to me and Raley travel separately a lot, and
sometimes I'm at an event and she's not. Sometimes she's
at an event and I'm not, And people will always
be like, there's everything okay? Because in that world, even
if you're arguing in the car before you pull up
(21:01):
to the wedding event, even if you argue on the
way home from the birthday party, because you came and
left together, it's seen as positive. Right. Let me just
explain that again. People always ask me and Rabi, is
everything okay? Because we often don't show up to the
same events together because we're both busy, and people would
rather argue on the way to a wedding or fight
(21:24):
on the way back just to show that they came
and left together in order to prove to society that
they have a healthy relationship then actually having a healthy relationship,
and so the perception in that society is togetherness. Are
you arriving and leaving together is the sign of a
healthy relationship. Now, that perception doesn't change overnight. That's a
(21:46):
deep seated belief, as ridiculous as it sounds, that that
is what a successful relationship is. And so people live
up to that falsehood, and people live up to that
fake level of quality of a relationship rather than one
with good communication and respect and boundaries and permission to
be who we are. So that's just not going to
(22:09):
change over now, like someone's not going to change their
view overnight of what's seen as a healthy marriage is
a healthy relationship. And I think this hits very closely
to why I partnered up with match and what I
really found was I wanted to create a space where
people could connect based on their values. And this was
(22:32):
really really important to me because I feel that everything
I'm saying here is because we don't realize that our
core values have such a big impact in terms of
long term success. If you ignore core values, you're thinking
in the next five months. If you take on core values,
you're living in the next five years, and for anyone
(22:54):
who's interested and invested in building a long term, long lasting,
powerful relation relationship, this mindset is huge. Ninety three percent
of match members say that shared core values are a
crucial indicator of relationship success. And if I'm completely honest,
most people have never even looked at these ideas. Most
(23:17):
people have never even had the opportunity, the time, the space,
the energy given these thoughts a moment of thought. Most
people have never even had the option to say, Okay,
well let me just take a look at this for
a second, like how do I feel about this? What
are my beliefs about this? Most people have never even
(23:37):
done that. So, when you're in a relationship with someone,
you're actually going through the process of making someone aware
of the process they need to go through. It's not
even like you know, are you ready to change? Do
you know you need to change? It's almost like you've
got to start from scratch with yourself and the other
person of like, are we even living the life we want?
Do you know what your values? Are? We conscious? So
(23:59):
the question isn't do you know you need to change?
You know you're wrong, right? You know there's parts of
you that just meant like that's not the conversation. The
conversation is, Hey, do we know where this relationship is going?
Do we know what choices we've made? Are we aware
of what this unfolds like? Have we talked about our
(24:19):
past and how it's affected us? Do we know how
our core values and beliefs, what kind of foundation they are.
It's almost like, rather than criticizing someone for their bad
taste in interior design, you're actually talking about like, hey,
should we both get educated on the foundations of relationships?
Shall we both become really aware of where we're going
and what's going on. I really want you to reflect
(24:40):
on this, because sometimes I think we're starting the wrong
conversation because we were actually expecting people to be more
emotion mature than anyone in the world has actually had
the opportunity to be. And you may be the person
in your relationship us to start the healthy conversation that
has to start the useful conversation. I really hope that
these tips help you in this person you want to change. Remember,
(25:04):
they won't change for you, they won't change for me,
they won't change for anyone. They'll only change for themselves,
and you can't make them change However, you can open
them to the idea of re evaluating their beliefs to
become self aware, to understand where their current choices will
take them, to help them understand where their current trauma
(25:26):
and upbringing will guide them. And you can help them
become more aware through self reflection. But you can't tell
them it force them to it, and if you do,
I promise you it won't be the change you're really
looking for. So I hope this helps, I hope this
serves you. I want you to remember I'm always rooting
for you on forever in your corner, and I'm so
grateful that you trusted me with your time and energy
(25:47):
to join me here today. I wish you all the
best in your relationships. People can change, but they don't
change for me. They don't change for you. They change
for themselves. They need to feel accountable, they need to
be committed to it, they need time, they need patience,
and ultimately you need to realize that there are parts
of them that may never change. And that doesn't mean
(26:07):
they can't love you and you can't love them, and
they can't respect you and you can't respect them. Often,
what we want people to change isn't integral to them
loving us. It's just because we want to feel a
certain way. Thank you for listening. I'll see you again
on the next episode of One Purpose. I appreciate you deeply.
Take care. If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy
my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic
(26:31):
and how to speak to yourself with more compassion. My
fears are only going to continue to show me what
I'm capable of. The more that I face my fears,
the more that I feel I'm gaining strength and gaining wisdom,
and I just want to keep doing that.
Hey everyone, it's Jay. Most people know me as a
podcast host, entrepreneur, and author, But did you know that
I've been writing a newsletter every single week for the
last four years. It's called Weekly Wisdom. In each newsletter,
I answer a question from one of my seven hundred
thousand readers. I give my best insights and advice, helping
(00:23):
my readers find purposeful and spiritual solutions to their everyday problems.
My goal here isn't to tell you how to live
your life, but to guide you in the direction of
your best possible future. If you'd like to get my
newsletter send to your inbox every Thursday, just go to
jshetdynewsletter dot com to sign up. Now that's Jayshettynewsletter dot com.
(00:48):
A brand new newsletter comes out every week. I can't
wait for you to read it. A lot of us
have to recognize that change is something that has to
come from within. They have to feel like this new
life will be good for them, but they have to
know it in their language, with their reasons. They have
to commit to that change. Is someone telling you they're
(01:12):
going to change, or is someone showing you the signs
that they're ready to commit to change the number one
health and wellness podcast, Jay Shed Jay Sheidy, Hey everyone,
welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you for trusting me
with your time and energy. I don't take it for granted,
(01:34):
and I'm so grateful that you've chosen to be with
me here today. It's been an incredible few weeks. We've
had everyone from Sean Mendes to Andrew Huberman on the podcast,
Nicole Leperra, incredible therapist and thinker, and so many more
amazing guests yet to come. I also hope you've been
taking a look at my solo podcast because there have
(01:58):
been some workshops that have resonated with you recently. But
I'm guessing you're here today because there's someone in your
life that you wish would change. Maybe it's your partner,
maybe it's a parent, Maybe it's someone in your professional
environment at work. Maybe it's a sibling. Either way, there's
(02:19):
someone in your life that you're wishing, waiting and wanting
for to change. And maybe you've tried or ready to
help them change. Maybe you've pushed them to change. Maybe
you even made the mistake of forcing them to change.
And you're sitting there right now, going Jay, I just
(02:40):
don't know if they're ever going to change. Can people change?
That's our question for today. That's what you're thinking about,
and that's what I'm going to guide you through over
the next thirty minutes or so to recognize what is change?
What does it look like? Is it possible? If you
(03:00):
want to know if that person will ever change, this
episodees for you. If you're struggling with someone because they're
not changing, this episodes for you. And if you're someone
who's just trying to figure it out, this episode is
for you. Now. The first thing I want to do
is take a very factual look at change. When we
look at change in society, change in community, change individually.
(03:24):
Studies show that forming a habit can take anywhere from
eighteen to two hundred and fifty four days, with an
average of sixty six days to form a habit. But
that's not the kind of change you're talking about. When
we're asking this question can people really change, We're talking
about something far more core or fundamental. We're talking about values.
(03:49):
We're talking about attitudes, behaviors, mindsets. Right, maybe you want
someone to change the way they appreciate you. Maybe you
want someone to change the way they think about care.
Maybe you want someone to change the way they talk
to you, communicate with you. Maybe you want to change
the way someone behaves with you. Adapting to change, study
(04:13):
show can take around ninety days, and seeing significant change
in society can take thirty years or more. Notice the
difference changing a habit average sixty six days, adapting to
a change ninety days, Seeing norms set into society thirty years.
(04:34):
So we've got to look at the person and we've
got to empathize and be compassionate and realize are they
trying to change a habit, are they adapting to a change,
or really is it that we're hoping that they change
a norm in their life? Now, I want to give
you an answer in short that of course people can change,
(04:55):
but different parts of them take longer to change. And
there are four There are far more aspects that are
unchangeable than we believe. And when I say unchangeable, I
don't mean that it's impossible or will never happen. I
mean that the waiting time may be so long that
it may feel like forever. So one interesting study talks
(05:19):
about this idea of how it's actually quite hard over
time for people to change core personality traits. So people
can change their personality, but it's hard to change core
personality straits, Like if someone's an extrovert or an introvert,
it's hard to change. Someone's not just going to shift
(05:41):
from one to the other. If someone's a homebody or
wants to travel the world, that's not going to change overnight.
If someone is more likely to be opened than closed
emotionally available, it's not easy for someone who's emotionally disconnected
or unavailable to suddenly become available overnight. These are far
(06:02):
more core personality traits that are much more difficult to
see changes in now. One study I looked at talks
about how hurtful behaviors such as lying, cheating, dismissing, or controlling,
and this is from psych Central. They say are often
habits that turn into harmful behavior patterns, and research from
(06:26):
twenty twenty explains personality may be shaped by an interaction
between multiple sources from genes to events and social relationships,
rather than only one source. The study goes on to
say that personality development isn't linear and changes in either.
So what's really interesting about that is even when people change,
(06:48):
we think of changes linear, We think that if someone changes,
everything changes, when actually what happens in reality is that
even if someone changes, chances are they're going to oscillate
back and forth to their form myself. So you're going
to constantly ask the question, Wait a minute, I thought
you changed. Wait a minute, I thought you understood. Wait
a minute, I thought you got the message. And the
(07:10):
truth is it's more likely that someone's going to oscillate
back and forth until they get there. So behavior can
be learned and unlearned. But the amount of time it
can take, the levels it can go to in order
for that to happen can be very, very hard to
go through. Now here's the reality I want to get
(07:32):
through to you. You can't change anyone. You can only
change yourself. You can't force someone to change. You can't
push someone to change. You can't beg someone to change.
They will change when they want to change. They will
change when they feel a need to change. They will
(07:54):
change when they're ready for change. When it impacts them
so badly that they're not changing, that's when they'll choose
to change. Changing someone else is not within your control,
and trying to find ways to do it can be exhausting.
So what I'd rather give you is signs that someone
(08:15):
is likely to change, because often what we do is
we keep asking the question can people change? And really
it's the wrong question, because people can change, But is
the person that you're with likely to change? Is the
person that you're talking about likely to change? These are
the signs that they're likely to change, And that's a healthier, better,
(08:36):
smarter question to ask, because what you're really asking when
you ask can people change? Is my person going to change?
Are they going to be different? And there are certain
signs that point you in the right direction. The first
one is they own up and take accountability and are
self aware about not only what change is acquired, but
(09:01):
why the change is required. Sometimes someone will say to you,
I know I need to change. I know it isn't right,
and we get so happy and elated that they acknowledged
it that we take that acknowledgment as accountability. There's a difference.
There is a difference between acknowledgment and accountability. Acknowledgment is
recognizing something. Accountability is reconciling something. Let me say that again.
(09:28):
Acknowledgment is recognizing something. Accountability is reconciling something. When you're
accountable you actually have the ability to articulate what the
problem is, why it exists, and how you're going to
show up in the future. You're taking accountability for your actions,
(09:50):
your behaviors, and you're able to see the connection between
how you act and how it affects the other person.
I promise you that most people that you're talking to
are simply acknowledging the problem. They're not actually taking accountability.
But because we don't know the difference, we assume they're
the same thing. Now, assuming they're the same thing isn't
(10:12):
a great idea, because if you assume that they're the
same thing, then you think someone's taken accountability. But no
accountability means I know how my actions affected you. I
know why my actions affected you. I can articulate it,
and I know how my actions affect you, and I
know which actions I need to change, and by the way,
(10:33):
I know why I need to change them. I know
why I am that way. Notice the difference between acknowledgment
and accountability. Now, once someone's taken accountability, they have to
want to change. They have to have the proper motivation
to change, because just because someone can articulate and take
(10:55):
accountability doesn't mean that they feel the need to. They
have to feel that change is necessary. If you look
at most humans, we only change when we believe something's necessary. Right.
If we think something's going to end, we change. If
we think something new is going to start, we change, right,
(11:16):
We change when it happens. Most people want to get
promoted before they change their performance, not realizing that you
get a promotion because you changed your performance. There's a
reason why the famous phrase of you don't know what
you've got until it's gone, because we wait till we
lose something to know we should have changed. That's how
(11:37):
human behavior, in the human mind works is we constantly
feel that until something's necessary, until something is required of me,
I won't do it. Until I feel the pressure to,
I won't do it. What often we do is we
try and put that pressure on that person to change.
We try and force them to change, but we don't
realize that if they change for us, but they don't
(11:59):
know why they're changing, they may actually feel regret. I
like to think about this through a scenario. If someone
changes for you, then that means that they didn't really
go through the process within themselves. They haven't really looked
at the value, and therefore they may actually be depressed
about that change. They may be down about that change.
(12:22):
They may not wish that change ever happened to them.
I'll give you an example. RATHERI and me. Radi always
told me that all she wanted to do was live
close to her family. And I wanted that for her
because I love her family and I know how much
she loves them. And then when I got the opportunity,
of course, to move across the world, to change my career,
change my life and do what I get to do today,
(12:43):
and Rather, and I've already married, and it was a
hard change for Radi, and I said to Radi that
I didn't want her to move for me. I wanted
her to do it because she saw value it and
she could find it for herself. Now she had to
adapt to that change. It was hard for her, and
I was trying my best to help her with that change.
I didn't want her to change, and I didn't want
(13:03):
her to feel pressure to change, because I realized that
unless something comes from within, unless something comes from that person,
they are never really going to fully commit to it.
And that's what's really interesting. Sometimes we're trying to get
people to change. On the surface, we're trying to get
people to change in behavior for us, and we don't
(13:23):
realize that when they do that, not only does it
not stick, when it doesn't come from within, it doesn't
feel like it's meaningful to them. So they can't truly
get behind that change long term, and they may even
feel like it's your fault. They may feel like it's
a mistake. They may feel like it was the worst
decision they made in the long term, and a lot
(13:46):
of us have to recognize that change is something that
has to come from within. They have to feel like
this new life will be good for them, but they
have to know it in their language, with their reasons.
They have to commit to that change. Is someone telling
you they're going to change, or is someone showing you
(14:06):
the signs that they're ready to commit to change. Okay,
I am so excited about this because we've got the
first ever merch drop for on Purpose. It's finally here
and for World Mental Health. Today we're doing an exclusive
limited edition drop with all the proceeds going to the
(14:30):
National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI. So now you can
wear your on Purpose merch, listen to the podcast and
know that you two are having an impact. I want
to thank you so much in advance. I can't wait
to see all of your pictures wearing the merch, their sweatshirts,
the hat t shirts. Check it out on our website,
jshetdyshop dot com. That's jshettshop dot com. And remember, one
(14:55):
hundred percent of the proceeds go to NAMI. A lot
of the people will say the right thing because they're
people pleasers. They don't want to lose you. They want
to say all the right things to hold on to you,
But they haven't committed to that change right. They haven't
put steps into place, they haven't had the awkward, uncomfortable conversations,
(15:17):
they haven't stepped up and done the things that are
hard for them is someone committing to change. And often
what we do is we just keep going mad. We
keep getting angry at them, saying I wish you to change.
You keep telling me you're going to change, but you
don't change, but they're not committing to that action. One
of the things I've been saying to a lot of
people I know recently is don't expect change to happen
(15:37):
in one therapy session. What we're often hoping is that
lifetimes of work will become clear to someone through a
couple of sessions of therapy. What I mean by that
is our wiring is so deep. There are values that
we've held on too because of our childhood that don't
(15:58):
just disappear because someone else presents a better idea. I'll
give an example, a silly example. If you've always put
your cereal in the ball before your milk, by the way,
that's the normal way, no judgment, right, and you start
dating someone who puts milk in before the cereal, you
don't just switch to doing that right now. That's a
(16:19):
really silly example. It's a really easy change. It doesn't
make a difference. But if you think about it, there
are things you think about first. Sometimes some of you
think about money before you think about people, because that's
how you were raised. You're not going to change that
overnight because you start dating someone who thinks about people
before money, even if it makes logical sense to that person. Right.
(16:42):
People don't just change their values, their core belief systems
overnight just because someone else's sounds good. Right, If someone
believes I've been watching and I'm sure many of you
have seen it, monsters. Now, no matter what you believe,
just taking this idea of even if someone's parents have
done harm to them, have done them wrong, if they
(17:04):
love their parents and feel positively towards them because they
feel somehow, you know, whether it was they felt guilty,
they felt shameful that they had to feel that way,
that's how they were raised. They're not suddenly just going
to see the light because you made them aware of
a few things. Actually, it's very hard for people to
admit that their parents have flaws, that there are challenges,
(17:25):
that there are you know, difficulties there. And you see
that in the Menendez brothers, who struggle to recognize certain challenges. Now,
whatever happened in that scenario, you get the point of
making that it's not easy to acknowledge things that are
so counterintuitive to the way you've been raised. Right, if
(17:47):
your parents were savers not spenders, you're not suddenly going
to realize that actually spending money meaningfully is better for you.
It takes a lot of healing, it takes a lot
of work, it takes a lot of unearthing, and so
one there or a couple of therapy sessions or a
month of therapy or coaching or whatever. Maybe won't make
the change now by the way, you're all chipping away.
But I think when we want someone to change, we're
(18:09):
just hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting that they're just going to change. Now.
Signs that someone's changing is they start to course correct.
When they say something to you that they realize is
their old voice, they call it out. They say, wait
a minute, I just realized that was my old voice speaking.
They start to recognize how the smallest actions are a
(18:33):
representation of their old self. And really that's what it is.
You have to think about it as a transformation from
an old to new self, right, And if someone's transforming
from their old to new self, they will go between
their old and new self. Often it's not like you
transition once. It's almost like saying I'm going to create
(18:54):
eating sugar. It's not like you never eat sugar again. Right.
If you're like I'm going to be healthy out and
work out, it doesn't mean you're never going to miss
a workout again. And sometimes we hold people to really
crazy high standards that doesn't make sense. Right. We want
them to never ever oscillate, we want them to never
(19:15):
ever fall back. The other way we know signs of
change is are we trying to change? Are we trying
to make a difference right? Are we willing to change
as well? Are we able to do the same work
that we're expecting this person to do. Are we willing
to do that same work for ourselves and for this relationship.
(19:37):
A lot of the time, it's really easy to point
out where everyone else needs to change, but it's really
hard to be conscious of where we need to change.
And I think for a lot of us, we're trying
to mold someone into being more like us. We want
them to think like us, we want them to talk
like us. Now, there may be certain value to that,
like you may have some really great skills, and you
(19:58):
may have some really great attributes, But are you willing
to change to some of their better attributes? Are you
aware of their better attributes? Are you able to identify
their better attributes? Or have you lost connection with them?
There's a lot to be said for community and change.
I find that if you're the only person reminding this
(20:18):
person of the positive benefits of change, it's hard to change.
We often need when we hear that phrase of we
are the five people we spend the most time with.
It's so true that someone will not change unless the
people around them change. I've met so many people over
the years who are part of a community who thinks
in a very old fashioned way. They're not going to
(20:39):
suddenly upgrade to a modern way of thinking. I'll give
an example in mining community. Back at home, it's not
normal for our husband and wife to travel separately. So
often to me and Raley travel separately a lot, and
sometimes I'm at an event and she's not. Sometimes she's
at an event and I'm not, And people will always
be like, there's everything okay? Because in that world, even
if you're arguing in the car before you pull up
(21:01):
to the wedding event, even if you argue on the
way home from the birthday party, because you came and
left together, it's seen as positive. Right. Let me just
explain that again. People always ask me and Rabi, is
everything okay? Because we often don't show up to the
same events together because we're both busy, and people would
rather argue on the way to a wedding or fight
(21:24):
on the way back just to show that they came
and left together in order to prove to society that
they have a healthy relationship then actually having a healthy relationship,
and so the perception in that society is togetherness. Are
you arriving and leaving together is the sign of a
healthy relationship. Now, that perception doesn't change overnight. That's a
(21:46):
deep seated belief, as ridiculous as it sounds, that that
is what a successful relationship is. And so people live
up to that falsehood, and people live up to that
fake level of quality of a relationship rather than one
with good communication and respect and boundaries and permission to
be who we are. So that's just not going to
(22:09):
change over now, like someone's not going to change their
view overnight of what's seen as a healthy marriage is
a healthy relationship. And I think this hits very closely
to why I partnered up with match and what I
really found was I wanted to create a space where
people could connect based on their values. And this was
(22:32):
really really important to me because I feel that everything
I'm saying here is because we don't realize that our
core values have such a big impact in terms of
long term success. If you ignore core values, you're thinking
in the next five months. If you take on core values,
you're living in the next five years, and for anyone
(22:54):
who's interested and invested in building a long term, long lasting,
powerful relation relationship, this mindset is huge. Ninety three percent
of match members say that shared core values are a
crucial indicator of relationship success. And if I'm completely honest,
most people have never even looked at these ideas. Most
(23:17):
people have never even had the opportunity, the time, the space,
the energy given these thoughts a moment of thought. Most
people have never even had the option to say, Okay,
well let me just take a look at this for
a second, like how do I feel about this? What
are my beliefs about this? Most people have never even
(23:37):
done that. So, when you're in a relationship with someone,
you're actually going through the process of making someone aware
of the process they need to go through. It's not
even like you know, are you ready to change? Do
you know you need to change? It's almost like you've
got to start from scratch with yourself and the other
person of like, are we even living the life we want?
Do you know what your values? Are? We conscious? So
(23:59):
the question isn't do you know you need to change?
You know you're wrong, right? You know there's parts of
you that just meant like that's not the conversation. The
conversation is, Hey, do we know where this relationship is going?
Do we know what choices we've made? Are we aware
of what this unfolds like? Have we talked about our
(24:19):
past and how it's affected us? Do we know how
our core values and beliefs, what kind of foundation they are.
It's almost like, rather than criticizing someone for their bad
taste in interior design, you're actually talking about like, hey,
should we both get educated on the foundations of relationships?
Shall we both become really aware of where we're going
and what's going on. I really want you to reflect
(24:40):
on this, because sometimes I think we're starting the wrong
conversation because we were actually expecting people to be more
emotion mature than anyone in the world has actually had
the opportunity to be. And you may be the person
in your relationship us to start the healthy conversation that
has to start the useful conversation. I really hope that
these tips help you in this person you want to change. Remember,
(25:04):
they won't change for you, they won't change for me,
they won't change for anyone. They'll only change for themselves,
and you can't make them change However, you can open
them to the idea of re evaluating their beliefs to
become self aware, to understand where their current choices will
take them, to help them understand where their current trauma
(25:26):
and upbringing will guide them. And you can help them
become more aware through self reflection. But you can't tell
them it force them to it, and if you do,
I promise you it won't be the change you're really
looking for. So I hope this helps, I hope this
serves you. I want you to remember I'm always rooting
for you on forever in your corner, and I'm so
grateful that you trusted me with your time and energy
(25:47):
to join me here today. I wish you all the
best in your relationships. People can change, but they don't
change for me. They don't change for you. They change
for themselves. They need to feel accountable, they need to
be committed to it, they need time, they need patience,
and ultimately you need to realize that there are parts
of them that may never change. And that doesn't mean
(26:07):
they can't love you and you can't love them, and
they can't respect you and you can't respect them. Often,
what we want people to change isn't integral to them
loving us. It's just because we want to feel a
certain way. Thank you for listening. I'll see you again
on the next episode of One Purpose. I appreciate you deeply.
Take care. If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy
my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic
(26:31):
and how to speak to yourself with more compassion. My
fears are only going to continue to show me what
I'm capable of. The more that I face my fears,
the more that I feel I'm gaining strength and gaining wisdom,
and I just want to keep doing that.
Host
Jay Shetty
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