Do you compare your relationship to others?
How can you identify and manage your triggers for comparison?
Today, Jay introduces the concept of social comparison theory, explaining the differences between upward - where we compare ourselves to those we perceive as better off, can lead to feelings of inadequacy if done with envy rather than a mindset of learning, and downward comparisons which involves comparing ourselves to those worse off, which can provide a temporary boost in self-esteem but is ultimately unproductive and unkind.
He shares practical strategies for reducing comparison, such as being mindful of social media usage, identifying personal triggers, and investing in self-improvement. Jay also stresses the importance of understanding the deeper, often hidden aspects of people's lives and why we usually compare our internal struggles with others' external successes, leading to a distorted and unfair self-assessment.
In the episode, you'll learn:
How to identify your goals
How to set mutual goals
How to be mindful of your triggers
How to invest in self-improvement
By seeking deeper connections and understanding the full context of others' lives, we can develop more empathy and reduce the impulse to compare and shift our focus from external comparisons to internal growth and relational strength, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and authentic life.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:28 Comparing Ourselves to Other People
04:32 Social Media Makes Unhealthy Comparison
05:27 The Two Social Comparison Theory
12:53 Everyone Has Different Values
14:26 Focus More on the Good You’re Doing
16:11 Focus on What It Take For You to Get There
17:39 Get to Know People Deeply
19:33 Be Conscious of Your Own Triggers
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I find that we spend more time comparing ourselves to
others when we don't have our own goals. If you're
watching a comedy movie and your goal is to laugh,
you're not going to compare the comedy movie to a
horror movie because you knew what you wanted, Whereas if
you didn't know what you wanted and you turned up
at the theaters, you'll be going, well, should we go
see a comedy movie? Or do we go see a
(00:21):
horror movie? Or but I don't like that actor and
I don't like that actress, and you're making it based
on no direction. The number one Health and Wellness Podcast,
Jay Setty Jay Sheetty Jet. Hey everyone, welcome back to
On a Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn
and grow, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're driving
(00:43):
to work or back, or whether you're cooking right now.
Thank you so much for tuning in to On Purpose.
Thank you for your amazing reviews. Thank you for sharing
the episodes. I love seeing what you're all posting on
Instagram and TikTok. It's so fun to see how engaged
you are with the content insights. We've had some amazing
(01:04):
guests lately. I love, how much Love you showed, the
Charles laclerk episode, the Anita episode. We have so many
great experts coming up this month as well, and we're
just getting stronger, bigger, better thanks to each and every
one of you. I promise you I don't take you
for granted. I'm so grateful for your love and trust
(01:25):
every single week. Now, today, I wanted to talk to
you about this idea around comparison, and I feel like
a lot of us spend a lot of time comparing
ourselves to other people's relationships. Now, whether you're single, this
episode is for you, or whether you're in a relationship,
(01:46):
this episode is for you. If you're single, you may
compare your love life to other people's dating, love lives
to other people who are in relationships, And if you're
in a relationship, you might be comparing your relationship to
other people's relationships. Think of White Lotus season two. If
you didn't see it, I'm sorry a bad reference. But
(02:07):
if you did see it, you remember this idea where
you've got these couples comparing themselves to each other. You've
got these couples comparing their partners to other people's partners.
So what we find is that we often compare ourself
as a person to other people. We compare our partner
(02:27):
to other people, and we compare our relationship to other
people's relationships. So you may have heard something like, oh, well,
you know, like I don't think they really get along,
Like I don't think that they really have that much
in common. Oh my gosh, did you see those two
people together. They didn't look good for each other at all,
did they. Oh my gosh, have you seen how much
(02:49):
they argue? At least we don't argue that much. Right,
there's all these ways we're constantly comparing us, our partners,
and our relationships to other people. Now this may sound
harmless and it may sound like not a big deal,
but the studies actually show the opposite. A research study
(03:11):
from over ten years ago, so I can't even imagine
how much this is scaled up now, showed that individuals
who compare themselves to others are more likely to experience guilt, regret,
and envy. Comparing ourselves to others makes us feel more guilty,
more regretful, and more envious. And the core reason for
(03:34):
that is because when we compare ourself to someone else,
we're usually looking at what we don't have. We're usually
looking at what we could be. We're usually looking at
how we're behind, how we're late, how we're wrong, how
we're not good enough. We're not comparing with the idea
of studying. We're not comparing with the idea of learning.
(03:57):
We're not comparing with the idea of curiosity. So comparing
in and of itself doesn't need to be a negative thing.
We don't need to shame or guilt ourselves for comparing ourselves,
and I think society has done that sometimes where we
feel that the act of comparison or the act of
(04:17):
comparing ourselves to others, is something that we should look
down upon, But actually it can be useful. It can
be helpful, it can be insightful in guiding you towards
your greatest self. Now, I want to share a few
more studies to really dive into this topic. One study
revealed that forty percent of women feel more unhappy about
(04:40):
their relationship due to viewing other couples on social media.
How many of you have ever saw someone getting proposed to,
someone's engagement party, someone's bridal shower, someone's wedding pictures, and
all of a sudden your blood is boiling, your thinking
to yourself, like I wish that was me? Why can
that be me? What's it about me? Right? We make
(05:01):
it all about our deficiencies, our flaws, our fallibilities, our inadequacies.
And that's why comparison can be so unhealthy because what
it does is it puts this spotlight on all of
our weaknesses and everything we don't have, as opposed to
focusing on what we can learn and how we can
(05:24):
grow and what we could improve. Now, in psychology, there's
something known as social comparison theory, and there are two
types of social comparison. One's upward social comparison and the
others downward social comparison. So, upward comparison is when we
compare ourselves with people we believe to be better than us.
(05:50):
So these comparisons are often looking at how we could
make more money, how we could look better, how we
could appear better, how we could improve our status. And
this tends to make us feel worse about ourselves because
we do it from a position of envy, because we
do it from a position of envy. Now, the other
(06:12):
type is downward social comparison. This is when we compare
ourselves to others who are worse off than us, So
we say things like, oh, well, at least I'm more educated,
at least I work harder, at least I'm doing better
than that person is. Now, it's natural for us to
do both of these, but the upward comparison, when we're
comparing ourselves to people who we think are better, better looking,
(06:34):
make more money, smarter, When we do that through envy
rather than study, it makes us feel really down. Now.
One of the most interesting things about this is we
often do it to our partners behind closed doors. So
now you may not stay in front of someone else,
but how many times if you looked at your partner
and said, oh, yeah, you know so and so did
(06:55):
you know they just got promoted? Now you're not comparing
or criticizing, but you're passively making a point which almost
really devalues the individual in front of you. Maybe you've
said something like, oh, did you know so and So's
partner they just start their own company? Like how bold?
How amazing is that? Now, even if you're saying that
(07:18):
as a genuinely true positive and you don't mean it
as a dig or a diss to your partner, I
promise you inside even if the outside they say to
you no doesn't affect me at all, I promise you, inside,
it's affecting their confidence and their self worth. When you're
saying things where you're pointing out amazing abilities, talents, achievements
(07:41):
in others, your partner often doesn't hear that from you.
Your partner often doesn't get the accolades, doesn't get that respect.
And you may say, oh, they know I love them,
they know how special I think they are. They know
how much I love them and how much I respect them.
I promise you they don't. Most of the people I
(08:02):
talk to when I'm coaching them, when I'm talking to
people one on one, behind the scenes, most people are
yearning for validation, for approval, to be seen, to be heard,
to be understood, for someone to notice how genuine they are,
how kind they are, how loving they are. Most people
(08:23):
need that. And one of the reasons why we live
in a world which repeats negativity is because positivity isn't rewarded.
If someone does something negative to us, we'll spend the
next week amplifying it and broadcasting it. That person cut
me off in traffic, that person was so rude to
(08:43):
me at work, we'll talk about it for days and
days and days. But if someone does something good to us,
we rarely tell everyone in the world saying, oh, my gosh,
did you know this person went out of their way?
Did you know this person they stood up for me? Like,
we don't tell this stories about positive events and emotions.
(09:04):
We tell deeper, darker stories about negative emotions, more frequently,
more often, and more deeply and more vividly, with more description. Right,
if someone swore at you, or someone did something bad
at the airport, like you're telling every detail. Why am
I sharing this? It's because often when we compare our
partners to others, or even if we don't compare our partners,
(09:28):
we talk about the qualities someone else that we know has,
it can often make them feel less than it can
often make them feel worse. All we have to do
is switch shoes. And by the way, it's really easy
for all of us to say, oh, this doesn't affect me,
it's not a big deal, but we know deep down
it can, and it does. So when you're looking at
(09:50):
upward social comparison or downward social comparison, generally downward social
comparison in saying oh, yeah, we're doing better than them,
we're we're doing better for ourselves. That generally doesn't have
as many a negative impact, although I don't recommend it,
because again, you're building your platform on someone else's misery,
(10:15):
You're building your confidence on someone else's lack of competence,
You're building your connection based on criticism, which means if
you're starting with a low bar and you're higher than it,
it may not be the most inspiring or fulfilling way
to think about it. An upward comparison. Telling someone that
(10:38):
you know someone who's more ambitious, telling someone you know
someone who's better at gardening, telling someone you know someone
who's better at handiwork around the house, whatever it may be,
actually takes away from your relationship. So what can we do?
What do we do instead of compare our partners and
ourselves to others, or something we can do is choose
(11:02):
to connect, compliment and help people understand what qualities they
do have. When we can see potential in our partners
and remind them of that potential without comparing them to
other people, that spurs them forward. That pushes them forward.
(11:22):
If you have a partner who's going through a tough
time because they're building a company because they're trying to
go after that promotion at work, because they're trying to
figure it out. Noticing that is going to energize them more. No,
no ways, some of your thinking, some of your thinking, Jay,
But my partner's lazy. My partner doesn't work hard enough.
I want my partner to do better. I want my
(11:43):
partner to work out more. I want my partner to
do all of these things more. The first question you
have to ask yourself is are you doing all of
those things? I remember, ever since I met Radley, I've
talked to you about this before. She was coaching me
in health well being diret work outs, and what I
found in the way she did it was that it
(12:04):
was never out of judgment. I never felt guilty or
shameful that I didn't do certain things. But I saw
not only did she apply everything she said to me,
she lived it. She was actually practicing it. She also
was able to present it to me in a way
that I could digest and understand it. So the question
(12:25):
is are you practicing what you preach? And are you
able to present it without judgment, without guilt, without shame.
Those are the two tests for you to figure out
whether you're encouraging your partner or whether you're disempowering them.
(12:46):
Are you energizing them or are you de energizing them.
The other thing that I think a lot of people
don't realize. What we miss is that everyone has different values.
So when we compare ourselves to another couple, it's because
(13:07):
they may have a completely different value. Like let's say
you're thinking about how you spend money, and you'd be like, oh,
my gosh, can you believe they spend that much money
on that? We would never do that. But maybe their
value is traveling and your value is saving. Right now,
they might be in a season of exploration and you're
in a season of saving to put down a deposit
(13:27):
on an apartment or a home or whatever it may be.
Everyone can be in different seasons. This is one of
the reasons that I partnered up with Match dot Com
forwards last j and why I'm working with Match to
help people connect based on their values. I think what
often happens is we don't know our own values and
(13:48):
we don't recognize them deeply, and so what we're really
comparing when we compare ourselves or our relationship to anyone
else is values. That's why figuring out what your value
is and what your partner's value is is such an
important way of figuring out the value of your relationship,
the priorities of your relationship. And if you're looking for
(14:08):
someone right now, you can go check out match dot
com forwards slash j and you'll be able to connect
with people based on similar values. You don't need the
same values, but an awareness of values to have a conversation,
to have a connection is so important and so significant.
Some of the ways in which we can switch away
(14:31):
from comparing ourselves to other people's relationships is this, let
us sit down and realize what are our values, and
let's actually break down and do some thinking about what
that person's value is. Now. Sometimes you'll even be right.
Maybe some people don't value respecting their relationship and you
do value it, and that's great to point out to yourselves. Look,
(14:54):
this is a good thing that we're doing. But here's
the trick. Focus more on the good you're doing than
the bad someone else is doing. Someone may highlight someone's weaknesses,
may highlight your strengths, but use that as an opportunity
to amplify your strengths. Not talk more bad about them.
(15:15):
Like let's say you go out on a double date
and one of your friends you feel like they don't
have respectful communication. Now you can either sit there on
your car journey home or when you get into bed
and you're talking about, gosh, can you believe how disrespectful
they were and how bad they were, or you could
talk about how respectful you think your partner has been
(15:36):
to you or how valuable they've been to you, and
they can do the same back. And that kind of
communication is actually strengthening your relationship. It's actually building deeper
bonds with your partner, as opposed to what happens when
we just talk bad about other people. You don't want
the success of your relationship to be based on the
(15:59):
stress of others. You don't want the goodness of your
relationship to be based on the poor performance of someone else. Again,
where are we setting the bar? What do we truly
want from life? Another thing that I find when we're
comparing ourselves to others is we make it often feel
(16:22):
like it's impossible for us to reach there, for us
to get there, rather than looking at what would it take?
Instead of asking the question, what would it take for us?
To get there? What would it take for us to
build there? We talk about why theirs isn't working. One
tip that I want to give you is I find
(16:43):
that we spend more time comparing ourselves to others when
we don't have our own goals. If you, as a
relationship have a goal, you're going to compare yourself to
your goal, not to another relationship. Right if you're watching
a comedy movie and your goal is to laugh, you're
(17:03):
not going to compare the comedy movie to a horror
movie because you knew what you wanted, Whereas if you
didn't know what you wanted and you turned up at
the theaters, you'll be going, well, should we go see
a comedy movie? Or do we go see a horror movie?
Or but I don't like that actor and I don't
like that actress, and you're making it based on no direction,
Whereas if you said, you know what, I just need
to laugh today, you know what, I'm in the mood
(17:24):
for a thriller today. Now, all of a sudden, you're
not comparing as much to a random other movie with
a random set of data. You're comparing it to what's
important to you. You're comparing it to what's valuable to you.
We talk a lot about internal and external in comparison.
We always say, oh, you know, everyone's posting their highlight reel.
(17:46):
They're not posting what's real. And I think that's been
a really important part of my work and career. I'm
lucky to get to know people truthfully, deeply, really, and
that's why I encourage you to be vulnerable with people
and let them be vulnerable with you, because if you're
only ever seeing people's outsides, then the outsides will be perfect.
(18:06):
It's when you know and get to know people deeper
on the inside, or you get to realize what's really happening. Right, Often,
we look at someone we think their life is perfect,
we think everything's going great for them, and then you
talk to them and they tell you that they have
an illness with a family member, they tell you that
(18:27):
they've been struggling for the past six months with a
personal thing. Right, we just have no idea. I've had
so many guests on lately that they may have been
on the front cover of magazines, they may have been
the top of the charts, but actually they were going
through so much personal trauma. So get to know people deeply.
If you only ever see people at a big party,
(18:47):
you only ever see people at a big event, you
walk away thinking they have a perfect life, and you
don't why because you know your inside story and you
only know their outside story. You can't come compare someone's
outside story to your inside story. You can't compare someone's
(19:08):
external journey to your internal journey. You can't compare what
you see on someone's social media to what's happening inside
your home. We often get those so mixed up, and
we get so misled by believing that we're behind, we're wrong,
(19:31):
we're the worst, everyone else is doing better. One of
the ways I'm going to share with you is that
I think it's really important to be aware of how
you get triggered. Right. There are things that trigger you,
and it's not the thing that's triggering you the person.
It's your perception, your interpretation of it. And it's okay
to say, Okay, I'm gonna get off social media because
that triggers me. You know what, I'm not gonna go
(19:53):
to that party because when I'm around that group of
people and the way they talk, that triggers me. You know,
I don't want to go to that event because that
triggers me, and again you're not doing it going Often
what we do is all the people there are just
so like materialistic? Are the people there are so right?
It becomes about them, you know, it's about us. Let's
be really aware and conscious of what our triggers are.
(20:15):
What are the things that make us feel uncomfortable? What
are the things that put us in that place? And instead,
let us find the habits that allow us to deepen
our self worth, that allow us to develop our confidence.
I find that for a lot of people, we're not
building our competence and therefore our confidence doesn't grow. When
(20:40):
was the last time you invested in your confidence? By
investing in your competence, we get better when our skills
get better. We get better when our habits get better.
We get better when our mindset get better. But if
we're just trying to make sure our life looks better,
often we get so caught up and looking better that
(21:01):
we miss out on doing better, being better, being more,
doing more, taking action, being proactive. We often get so
lost in trying to look a certain way that we
miss out on the opportunity to be grow, become a
(21:22):
better way, make an investment in yourself, make an investment
in your relationship, and it will automatically look better because
it will actually be better. Thank you so much for
listening to Today. So grateful you tuned in. I appreciate
you being here with me, and I can't wait for
you to come back and listen to another episode of
(21:44):
On Purpose. Remember I forever in your corner and I'm
always rooting for you. If you love this episode, you're
going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how
to get over your ex and find true love in
your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend
that compassion to your future self, because truly extending your
(22:07):
compassion to your future self is doing something that gives
him or her a shot at a happy and a
peaceful life
I find that we spend more time comparing ourselves to
others when we don't have our own goals. If you're
watching a comedy movie and your goal is to laugh,
you're not going to compare the comedy movie to a
horror movie because you knew what you wanted, Whereas if
you didn't know what you wanted and you turned up
at the theaters, you'll be going, well, should we go
see a comedy movie? Or do we go see a
(00:21):
horror movie? Or but I don't like that actor and
I don't like that actress, and you're making it based
on no direction. The number one Health and Wellness Podcast,
Jay Setty Jay Sheetty Jet. Hey everyone, welcome back to
On a Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn
and grow, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're driving
(00:43):
to work or back, or whether you're cooking right now.
Thank you so much for tuning in to On Purpose.
Thank you for your amazing reviews. Thank you for sharing
the episodes. I love seeing what you're all posting on
Instagram and TikTok. It's so fun to see how engaged
you are with the content insights. We've had some amazing
(01:04):
guests lately. I love, how much Love you showed, the
Charles laclerk episode, the Anita episode. We have so many
great experts coming up this month as well, and we're
just getting stronger, bigger, better thanks to each and every
one of you. I promise you I don't take you
for granted. I'm so grateful for your love and trust
(01:25):
every single week. Now, today, I wanted to talk to
you about this idea around comparison, and I feel like
a lot of us spend a lot of time comparing
ourselves to other people's relationships. Now, whether you're single, this
episode is for you, or whether you're in a relationship,
(01:46):
this episode is for you. If you're single, you may
compare your love life to other people's dating, love lives
to other people who are in relationships, And if you're
in a relationship, you might be comparing your relationship to
other people's relationships. Think of White Lotus season two. If
you didn't see it, I'm sorry a bad reference. But
(02:07):
if you did see it, you remember this idea where
you've got these couples comparing themselves to each other. You've
got these couples comparing their partners to other people's partners.
So what we find is that we often compare ourself
as a person to other people. We compare our partner
(02:27):
to other people, and we compare our relationship to other
people's relationships. So you may have heard something like, oh, well,
you know, like I don't think they really get along,
Like I don't think that they really have that much
in common. Oh my gosh, did you see those two
people together. They didn't look good for each other at all,
did they. Oh my gosh, have you seen how much
(02:49):
they argue? At least we don't argue that much. Right,
there's all these ways we're constantly comparing us, our partners,
and our relationships to other people. Now this may sound
harmless and it may sound like not a big deal,
but the studies actually show the opposite. A research study
(03:11):
from over ten years ago, so I can't even imagine
how much this is scaled up now, showed that individuals
who compare themselves to others are more likely to experience guilt, regret,
and envy. Comparing ourselves to others makes us feel more guilty,
more regretful, and more envious. And the core reason for
(03:34):
that is because when we compare ourself to someone else,
we're usually looking at what we don't have. We're usually
looking at what we could be. We're usually looking at
how we're behind, how we're late, how we're wrong, how
we're not good enough. We're not comparing with the idea
of studying. We're not comparing with the idea of learning.
(03:57):
We're not comparing with the idea of curiosity. So comparing
in and of itself doesn't need to be a negative thing.
We don't need to shame or guilt ourselves for comparing ourselves,
and I think society has done that sometimes where we
feel that the act of comparison or the act of
(04:17):
comparing ourselves to others, is something that we should look
down upon, But actually it can be useful. It can
be helpful, it can be insightful in guiding you towards
your greatest self. Now, I want to share a few
more studies to really dive into this topic. One study
revealed that forty percent of women feel more unhappy about
(04:40):
their relationship due to viewing other couples on social media.
How many of you have ever saw someone getting proposed to,
someone's engagement party, someone's bridal shower, someone's wedding pictures, and
all of a sudden your blood is boiling, your thinking
to yourself, like I wish that was me? Why can
that be me? What's it about me? Right? We make
(05:01):
it all about our deficiencies, our flaws, our fallibilities, our inadequacies.
And that's why comparison can be so unhealthy because what
it does is it puts this spotlight on all of
our weaknesses and everything we don't have, as opposed to
focusing on what we can learn and how we can
(05:24):
grow and what we could improve. Now, in psychology, there's
something known as social comparison theory, and there are two
types of social comparison. One's upward social comparison and the
others downward social comparison. So, upward comparison is when we
compare ourselves with people we believe to be better than us.
(05:50):
So these comparisons are often looking at how we could
make more money, how we could look better, how we
could appear better, how we could improve our status. And
this tends to make us feel worse about ourselves because
we do it from a position of envy, because we
do it from a position of envy. Now, the other
(06:12):
type is downward social comparison. This is when we compare
ourselves to others who are worse off than us, So
we say things like, oh, well, at least I'm more educated,
at least I work harder, at least I'm doing better
than that person is. Now, it's natural for us to
do both of these, but the upward comparison, when we're
comparing ourselves to people who we think are better, better looking,
(06:34):
make more money, smarter, When we do that through envy
rather than study, it makes us feel really down. Now.
One of the most interesting things about this is we
often do it to our partners behind closed doors. So
now you may not stay in front of someone else,
but how many times if you looked at your partner
and said, oh, yeah, you know so and so did
(06:55):
you know they just got promoted? Now you're not comparing
or criticizing, but you're passively making a point which almost
really devalues the individual in front of you. Maybe you've
said something like, oh, did you know so and So's
partner they just start their own company? Like how bold?
How amazing is that? Now, even if you're saying that
(07:18):
as a genuinely true positive and you don't mean it
as a dig or a diss to your partner, I
promise you inside even if the outside they say to
you no doesn't affect me at all, I promise you, inside,
it's affecting their confidence and their self worth. When you're
saying things where you're pointing out amazing abilities, talents, achievements
(07:41):
in others, your partner often doesn't hear that from you.
Your partner often doesn't get the accolades, doesn't get that respect.
And you may say, oh, they know I love them,
they know how special I think they are. They know
how much I love them and how much I respect them.
I promise you they don't. Most of the people I
(08:02):
talk to when I'm coaching them, when I'm talking to
people one on one, behind the scenes, most people are
yearning for validation, for approval, to be seen, to be heard,
to be understood, for someone to notice how genuine they are,
how kind they are, how loving they are. Most people
(08:23):
need that. And one of the reasons why we live
in a world which repeats negativity is because positivity isn't rewarded.
If someone does something negative to us, we'll spend the
next week amplifying it and broadcasting it. That person cut
me off in traffic, that person was so rude to
(08:43):
me at work, we'll talk about it for days and
days and days. But if someone does something good to us,
we rarely tell everyone in the world saying, oh, my gosh,
did you know this person went out of their way?
Did you know this person they stood up for me? Like,
we don't tell this stories about positive events and emotions.
(09:04):
We tell deeper, darker stories about negative emotions, more frequently,
more often, and more deeply and more vividly, with more description. Right,
if someone swore at you, or someone did something bad
at the airport, like you're telling every detail. Why am
I sharing this? It's because often when we compare our
partners to others, or even if we don't compare our partners,
(09:28):
we talk about the qualities someone else that we know has,
it can often make them feel less than it can
often make them feel worse. All we have to do
is switch shoes. And by the way, it's really easy
for all of us to say, oh, this doesn't affect me,
it's not a big deal, but we know deep down
it can, and it does. So when you're looking at
(09:50):
upward social comparison or downward social comparison, generally downward social
comparison in saying oh, yeah, we're doing better than them,
we're we're doing better for ourselves. That generally doesn't have
as many a negative impact, although I don't recommend it,
because again, you're building your platform on someone else's misery,
(10:15):
You're building your confidence on someone else's lack of competence,
You're building your connection based on criticism, which means if
you're starting with a low bar and you're higher than it,
it may not be the most inspiring or fulfilling way
to think about it. An upward comparison. Telling someone that
(10:38):
you know someone who's more ambitious, telling someone you know
someone who's better at gardening, telling someone you know someone
who's better at handiwork around the house, whatever it may be,
actually takes away from your relationship. So what can we do?
What do we do instead of compare our partners and
ourselves to others, or something we can do is choose
(11:02):
to connect, compliment and help people understand what qualities they
do have. When we can see potential in our partners
and remind them of that potential without comparing them to
other people, that spurs them forward. That pushes them forward.
(11:22):
If you have a partner who's going through a tough
time because they're building a company because they're trying to
go after that promotion at work, because they're trying to
figure it out. Noticing that is going to energize them more. No,
no ways, some of your thinking, some of your thinking, Jay,
But my partner's lazy. My partner doesn't work hard enough.
I want my partner to do better. I want my
(11:43):
partner to work out more. I want my partner to
do all of these things more. The first question you
have to ask yourself is are you doing all of
those things? I remember, ever since I met Radley, I've
talked to you about this before. She was coaching me
in health well being diret work outs, and what I
found in the way she did it was that it
(12:04):
was never out of judgment. I never felt guilty or
shameful that I didn't do certain things. But I saw
not only did she apply everything she said to me,
she lived it. She was actually practicing it. She also
was able to present it to me in a way
that I could digest and understand it. So the question
(12:25):
is are you practicing what you preach? And are you
able to present it without judgment, without guilt, without shame.
Those are the two tests for you to figure out
whether you're encouraging your partner or whether you're disempowering them.
(12:46):
Are you energizing them or are you de energizing them.
The other thing that I think a lot of people
don't realize. What we miss is that everyone has different values.
So when we compare ourselves to another couple, it's because
(13:07):
they may have a completely different value. Like let's say
you're thinking about how you spend money, and you'd be like, oh,
my gosh, can you believe they spend that much money
on that? We would never do that. But maybe their
value is traveling and your value is saving. Right now,
they might be in a season of exploration and you're
in a season of saving to put down a deposit
(13:27):
on an apartment or a home or whatever it may be.
Everyone can be in different seasons. This is one of
the reasons that I partnered up with Match dot Com
forwards last j and why I'm working with Match to
help people connect based on their values. I think what
often happens is we don't know our own values and
(13:48):
we don't recognize them deeply, and so what we're really
comparing when we compare ourselves or our relationship to anyone
else is values. That's why figuring out what your value
is and what your partner's value is is such an
important way of figuring out the value of your relationship,
the priorities of your relationship. And if you're looking for
(14:08):
someone right now, you can go check out match dot
com forwards slash j and you'll be able to connect
with people based on similar values. You don't need the
same values, but an awareness of values to have a conversation,
to have a connection is so important and so significant.
Some of the ways in which we can switch away
(14:31):
from comparing ourselves to other people's relationships is this, let
us sit down and realize what are our values, and
let's actually break down and do some thinking about what
that person's value is. Now. Sometimes you'll even be right.
Maybe some people don't value respecting their relationship and you
do value it, and that's great to point out to yourselves. Look,
(14:54):
this is a good thing that we're doing. But here's
the trick. Focus more on the good you're doing than
the bad someone else is doing. Someone may highlight someone's weaknesses,
may highlight your strengths, but use that as an opportunity
to amplify your strengths. Not talk more bad about them.
(15:15):
Like let's say you go out on a double date
and one of your friends you feel like they don't
have respectful communication. Now you can either sit there on
your car journey home or when you get into bed
and you're talking about, gosh, can you believe how disrespectful
they were and how bad they were, or you could
talk about how respectful you think your partner has been
(15:36):
to you or how valuable they've been to you, and
they can do the same back. And that kind of
communication is actually strengthening your relationship. It's actually building deeper
bonds with your partner, as opposed to what happens when
we just talk bad about other people. You don't want
the success of your relationship to be based on the
(15:59):
stress of others. You don't want the goodness of your
relationship to be based on the poor performance of someone else. Again,
where are we setting the bar? What do we truly
want from life? Another thing that I find when we're
comparing ourselves to others is we make it often feel
(16:22):
like it's impossible for us to reach there, for us
to get there, rather than looking at what would it take?
Instead of asking the question, what would it take for us?
To get there? What would it take for us to
build there? We talk about why theirs isn't working. One
tip that I want to give you is I find
(16:43):
that we spend more time comparing ourselves to others when
we don't have our own goals. If you, as a
relationship have a goal, you're going to compare yourself to
your goal, not to another relationship. Right if you're watching
a comedy movie and your goal is to laugh, you're
(17:03):
not going to compare the comedy movie to a horror
movie because you knew what you wanted, Whereas if you
didn't know what you wanted and you turned up at
the theaters, you'll be going, well, should we go see
a comedy movie? Or do we go see a horror movie?
Or but I don't like that actor and I don't
like that actress, and you're making it based on no direction,
Whereas if you said, you know what, I just need
to laugh today, you know what, I'm in the mood
(17:24):
for a thriller today. Now, all of a sudden, you're
not comparing as much to a random other movie with
a random set of data. You're comparing it to what's
important to you. You're comparing it to what's valuable to you.
We talk a lot about internal and external in comparison.
We always say, oh, you know, everyone's posting their highlight reel.
(17:46):
They're not posting what's real. And I think that's been
a really important part of my work and career. I'm
lucky to get to know people truthfully, deeply, really, and
that's why I encourage you to be vulnerable with people
and let them be vulnerable with you, because if you're
only ever seeing people's outsides, then the outsides will be perfect.
(18:06):
It's when you know and get to know people deeper
on the inside, or you get to realize what's really happening. Right, Often,
we look at someone we think their life is perfect,
we think everything's going great for them, and then you
talk to them and they tell you that they have
an illness with a family member, they tell you that
(18:27):
they've been struggling for the past six months with a
personal thing. Right, we just have no idea. I've had
so many guests on lately that they may have been
on the front cover of magazines, they may have been
the top of the charts, but actually they were going
through so much personal trauma. So get to know people deeply.
If you only ever see people at a big party,
(18:47):
you only ever see people at a big event, you
walk away thinking they have a perfect life, and you
don't why because you know your inside story and you
only know their outside story. You can't come compare someone's
outside story to your inside story. You can't compare someone's
(19:08):
external journey to your internal journey. You can't compare what
you see on someone's social media to what's happening inside
your home. We often get those so mixed up, and
we get so misled by believing that we're behind, we're wrong,
(19:31):
we're the worst, everyone else is doing better. One of
the ways I'm going to share with you is that
I think it's really important to be aware of how
you get triggered. Right. There are things that trigger you,
and it's not the thing that's triggering you the person.
It's your perception, your interpretation of it. And it's okay
to say, Okay, I'm gonna get off social media because
that triggers me. You know what, I'm not gonna go
(19:53):
to that party because when I'm around that group of
people and the way they talk, that triggers me. You know,
I don't want to go to that event because that
triggers me, and again you're not doing it going Often
what we do is all the people there are just
so like materialistic? Are the people there are so right?
It becomes about them, you know, it's about us. Let's
be really aware and conscious of what our triggers are.
(20:15):
What are the things that make us feel uncomfortable? What
are the things that put us in that place? And instead,
let us find the habits that allow us to deepen
our self worth, that allow us to develop our confidence.
I find that for a lot of people, we're not
building our competence and therefore our confidence doesn't grow. When
(20:40):
was the last time you invested in your confidence? By
investing in your competence, we get better when our skills
get better. We get better when our habits get better.
We get better when our mindset get better. But if
we're just trying to make sure our life looks better,
often we get so caught up and looking better that
(21:01):
we miss out on doing better, being better, being more,
doing more, taking action, being proactive. We often get so
lost in trying to look a certain way that we
miss out on the opportunity to be grow, become a
(21:22):
better way, make an investment in yourself, make an investment
in your relationship, and it will automatically look better because
it will actually be better. Thank you so much for
listening to Today. So grateful you tuned in. I appreciate
you being here with me, and I can't wait for
you to come back and listen to another episode of
(21:44):
On Purpose. Remember I forever in your corner and I'm
always rooting for you. If you love this episode, you're
going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how
to get over your ex and find true love in
your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend
that compassion to your future self, because truly extending your
(22:07):
compassion to your future self is doing something that gives
him or her a shot at a happy and a
peaceful life
Host
Jay Shetty
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!