In this episode, Jay explores the pressure of the “social clock,” that unspoken timeline that tells us when we should reach certain life milestones. He unpacks research revealing that we’re never truly “late,” we’re simply measuring our progress against someone else’s schedule. Jay explains that the fear of falling behind is really a fear of losing control, and he shares how reclaiming that sense of control is far more important than hitting every milestone on time.
He also unpacks the career anxiety so many people are experiencing today. With frequent job changes and a longer phase of “emerging adulthood,” he reminds us that feeling lost or stuck isn’t a sign of failure, it’s a sign that you’re still exploring. Jay reflects on what purpose truly means, and why your purpose isn’t a job title or income level but the deeper reason behind everything you do.
Finally, Jay explores age, growth, and possibility, reminding us that the brain can rewire itself at any stage of life and that happiness often follows a U-shaped curve. If you feel like you’re in a low point, you may actually be standing right before the rise.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Stop Living by the Social Clock
How to Feel In Control of Your Life Again
How to Navigate Career Changes with Confidence
How to Redefine Purpose Beyond Your Job
How to Build Relationships That Truly Support You
How to Grow Even When You Feel “Behind”
You’re not late. You’re not off track. You’re simply arriving on your own timeline and that timeline is right on time.
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Introduction
01:04 The Societal Pressure Of The "Social Clock
02:30 Deviating From "The Social Clock"
06:42 Redefining Success On Your Terms
08:42 You're Not Lost, You're Experimenting!
13:05 Don't Measure By Goals From The Past
15:27 The Illusion Of Late Marriage
19:47 Close Relationships Lead To Better Health
24:26 You're Not Late, Start Now!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Don't judge today's progress by yesterday's definition of success. What
mattered then might not matter now. Don't hold yourself hostage
to the dreams of your younger self. It's okay if
you've outgrown them. Don't compare today's version of you to
an old standard that no longer fits. Yesterday's goals were
(00:25):
right for who you were, then today's goals are right
for who you are right now. The number one health
and wellness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Sheetty. Hey, everyone, welcome
back to On Purpose. It's your host, Jay Shetty. And
whether you're cooking, whether you're cleaning, whether you're rushing off
(00:47):
to work, whether you're at the gym, whether you're walking
your dog. I'm so grateful that you're joining me. Thank
you for letting me into your life and your ears.
I don't take your time for granted, and I want
to make this the best thirty minutes to shift your mindset.
Thanks for investing this time and let's go get it. So.
If you've been feeling stuck, if you're feeling late, if
(01:09):
you're feeling behind, this episode is for you. Maybe you're
seeing all your friends get married right now and you're
thinking I don't even know who I'm gonna be with.
Maybe all your friends are getting promoted or moving into
a nicer apartment, and you're thinking, I'm still living at home.
Maybe some of you are looking around you and just
thinking everyone seems to be doing better, Everyone seems happier,
(01:30):
everyone seems like they have more going on, and I'm
feeling bored. If you felt any of those things, I
want you to know that what you're thinking and feeling
right now is actually the launch pad to your best self,
not a dead end. See here's the reality. Our targets
(01:51):
haven't changed, they just feel more unattainable than ever. We
grew up in a world that was all about going
to college, getting a good degree, getting a good job,
getting married, and all these things had to happen by
a certain age, then having kids by a certain age,
promoted by a certain age, And it almost feels like
we're still living by those metrics, but in a world
(02:12):
that is drastically change, in a world that is actually
processing itself completely differently. Industries have changed, apps have been invented,
There is so much happening with AI and technology, but
we're still living by the same metrics of success. What
I want to address today is talk about the emotional
(02:33):
response and the thought in your head and the feelings
that you're having, and talk to you about the reset,
the data, and the reflective approach to what's really happening
in our lives. So the first thought that a lot
of us are having right now, and maybe you've had
this one as well, is I am behind everyone. I'm behind,
(02:53):
I've been left behind. Everyone's ahead of me. I don't
know what to do. Sociologists call this the idea of
a social clock milestones like marriage, kids, or career by
a certain age. But studies show that people who deviate
from the social clock often report equal or greater life satisfaction.
(03:19):
So we think, if I stay on track, I'll be happier,
But the truth is those who deviate are either equally
as happy or potentially even more happy. There's no late,
there's only your time. The social clock is the unspoken
timeline society sets for us. Graduate by your early twenties,
(03:40):
marry by your late twenties, kids by thirty, house by
thirty five, career peak by forty, et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera. But what research has found is that they
studied adults who are on time following the clock and
those who were off time, later or earlier than expected milestones.
(04:02):
The result, people who felt comfortable with their own timing,
even if it deviated, reported equal or greater life satisfaction
compared to those who rigidly followed the clock. I really
want you to digest this. I really want you to
inhale and breed this in. Those who deviate from the
(04:23):
social clock are equally as happy, if not more happy.
If you're not married yet and you think you should be,
if you haven't got promoted yet and you think you
should be, if you haven't had kids yet and you
think you should have, that doesn't steal your chance at
a happy, joyful, wonderful life. That's just not how it works.
(04:46):
The key factor wasn't when milestones happened, but how much
control and meaning people felt over their lives. What we're
struggling with at the route is thirty and thirty five
and forty gives us a sense of control. So when
we get to thirty two and we haven't found our person,
we think we've lost control. We think we've lost agency,
(05:10):
we think we've lost the ability to choose. We're actually
not worried about age. What we're really worried is about control.
I want to be able to control my life, and
if everyone's doing something at thirty, that means I'm out
of control. So what do we do with that? You
control the things you can change, You control the things
you can impact, You control the things you can influence.
(05:33):
It's that which is going to make your life happy.
Why this matters psychologically is that feeling in charge of
your choices predicts happiness more than hitting milestones on a schedule.
Feeling in charge of your choices, that's what we're looking
for as humans. We want to feel like I know
(05:54):
why I'm doing this. But let's take a look at this.
If you make a decision based on a milestone and
your only reason is I think come late, you're not
going to feel in charge of your choices. If your
only thought is I don't want to be left behind,
you're not really in charge of your choices. If your
only thought is everyone's doing it, why am I not,
(06:17):
you're not in charge of your choices, which leads to
bad decisions. Always say to people it's better to be
single and deal with the challenges that come with that.
In your mind and in your thoughts. Then the challenges
of being with someone who's not right for you. It
comes with so much more baggage, so much more stress.
So knowing you're in charge of your choices will change
(06:40):
your life now. People who felt pressured by the clock
often reported anxiety, depression, or dissatisfaction if they felt behind.
But those who readers find success on their own terms
tended to have healthier mental well being. And this is
how that plays out today. Social clock has loosened since
(07:02):
the nineteen sixties. People marry later, they switch careers more often,
they delay kids, and we're going to talk about all
of those things later on in this video. But the
pressure still exists, and it's just amplified by social media.
The researcher's finding is more relevant than ever before. If
you detach your self worth from society stopwatch, you actually
(07:26):
increase your odds of life satisfaction. The research proves what
we keep trying to avoid. You're not late. You're only
late if you're living by someone else's watch. It's almost
like you're living in New York, but you're looking at
someone who lives in Singapore and thinking you're behind. Well,
(07:47):
of course you're behind. You live in New York, you
can possibly be on the same time as Singapore. Does
that mean you're behind? Is it weird that Australia celebrates
New Year's before all of us? Does that mean we're behind? No,
we're just following a different clock. Stop following everyone else's timeline.
(08:08):
Stop believing everyone else's highlight reel. Stop chasing everyone else's
definition of success. Stop trying to reach everyone else's milestones.
Stop feeling everyone else's pressure to have it figured out.
Stop needing everyone else's validation. Stop following everyone else's path
(08:35):
when your soul is putting another way, that's how you
experience peace. Now, let's say your thought is I haven't
found my career or my purpose yet. The US Bureau
of Labor Statistics found the average American changes jobs twelve
times in their lifetime. Careers are far less straight lines
(08:58):
than they used to be. Most of these changes happen
before age thirty five, meaning your twenties and early thirties
are often about testing, shifting, and experimenting, not locking into
one perfect path. See that's how you feel behind. You're
at an age that is actually more predisposed to experimentation
(09:19):
in testing, but because so many people are choosing not
to do that and they might be doubling down. You
feel behind, but you're actually at a natural pace. You're
actually finding yourself. You're discovering yourself. You're collecting skills, you're
collecting experiences and stories. If you're always looking at the
timeline and the track, you'll feel left behind, even if
you're having the best experience of your life. Want to
(09:50):
make a real difference this giving season this December. On
Purpose is part of Pods Fight Poverty podcast, teaming up
to lift three village is in Rwanda out of extreme poverty.
We're doing it through give Directly, which sends cash straight
to families so they can choose what they need most.
Donate at GiveDirectly dot org, forward slash on purpose. First
(10:15):
time gifts are matched, doubling your impact. Our goal is
one million dollars by year's end, enough to lift seven
hundred families out of poverty. Join us at GiveDirectly dot org,
forward slash on Purpose. Now here's the truth. The economy
(10:38):
has shifted. Previous generations often stayed in one company or
one role for decades. Today industries transform quickly, tech, media, healthcare,
so people have to adapt. Literally, the job I do
today didn't really exist fifteen years ago. And I was
(10:59):
just talking about this with my friend about how even
in nine years since I started creating content, everything has changed.
TikTok didn't exist. When I started, YouTube was having a moment.
YouTube's having another moment today. Podcasting wasn't as big as
it is. When I launched my podcast six years ago.
There were seven hundred thousand podcasts. Today there's like five
(11:21):
million of them. Everything is changing rapidly. How could you
possibly know what career path you have to take today?
We're looking at the impact of AI on every industry.
It's exciting. It's not something to get scared about. There's
so much opportunity. But what we get scared about is
why don't I know what I'm doing? The reality is
what you're meant to be doing may not even exist yet.
(11:43):
Values have shifted. Millennials and gen Z especially prioritize meaning
flexibility and growth over stability alone. It's normal. Psychologists Honor
and Tanner in two thousand and six describe ages eighteen
to twenty nine as emerging adulthoo, a stage where identity
exploration is expected, not a sign of being lost. It's
(12:08):
psychologically not a sign of being lost. It's exploration. When
you think you're lost, you're actually exploring. When you think
you're stuck, you're actually discovering. When you think you've hit
a dead end, you're actually at the beginning. Career zigzags
are healthier. Studies show people who allow themselves to pivot
often report higher job satisfaction and engagement because they align
(12:32):
better with their strengths. Linear parts are outdated. Thinking you
need a perfect straight line career is rooted in the
industrial era, not in today's fluid, skill based economy. Your
purpose is not your job. Jobs change, Purpose doesn't get fired.
(12:53):
Your purpose is not your skills. Skills are tools. Purpose
is why you pick them up. Your purpose is not
your achievements. Trophies gather dust, purpose keep shining. Your purpose
is not your title. Titles fade the moment you walk
(13:13):
out of the door. Your purpose is not your income.
Money measures transactions, purpose measures meaning. Your purpose is not
a single moment. It's not the one big thing. It's
the thread running through all your moments. Your purpose is
not external approval, likes, applause, validation. They're unstable. Purpose is
(13:39):
what remains when the clapping stops. Your purpose is why
you do what you do. It's why you exist. Your
purpose is simply to collect and connect. Spend your life
collecting skills and experiences and stories, and at one point
you'll find how they connect. Now, maybe thought is I
(14:01):
can't afford a home. I took a look at the statistics.
I wanted to share the research with you. Fifty years ago,
buying a house felt like climbing a hill. Today it
feels like scaling a mountain. Incomes simply haven't kept up
with the rise of housing prices. In the nineteen seventies
(14:22):
to nineteen nineties, a typical home cost about two point
five to three times the average household income. Example, if
you earned thirty thousand dollars, the average house was around
seventy nine thousand dollars. It's hard, but doable with savings. Now.
In the two thousands, that ratio crept up closer to
(14:42):
three times income. Houses were starting to stretch budgets, but
still within reach for many people. In the twenty tens,
after the financial crisis, home prices rebounded much faster than incomes.
The ratio jumped to about four zero point five times income,
(15:02):
and today, in twenty twenty five, the gap has grown
even more. A median home costs over six times the
median household income in many parts of the United States.
For example, if the average household income makes seventy four
thousand dollars, the average home costs four hundred and thirty
(15:24):
thousand dollars. You're not behind if you can't buy a
home right now. The game itself has changed. Things haven't
stayed the same. Homes have outpaced incomes by two eggs
compared to your parents or grandparents' time. Don't measure yourself
today by the goals people had fifty years ago. Things
(15:48):
are different, You're different. Don't judge today's progress by yesterday's
definition of success. What mattered then might not matter now.
Don't hold yourself hostage to the dreams of your younger self.
It's okay if you've outgrown them. Don't compare today's version
(16:09):
of you to an old standard that no longer fits.
Yesterday's goals were right for who you were then. Today's
goals are right for who you are right now now.
Maybe your thought is I'm not married yet, or I'm
not in love yet, i haven't found my person. The
median age for your first marriage in the United States
(16:31):
is now thirty for men and twenty eight for women.
That's up nearly a decade from the nineteen seventies. From
Pew Research in twenty twenty one. No, no, what you're thinking, Jay,
I'm thirty, I'm thirty two. I'm already behind. I'm four
years behind. You just told me it's twenty eight. Well
take a second. Do you want to be married or
(16:52):
do you want to have a successful marriage, Well, then
it's not about age. Do you want to be in
love or do you want to have a healthy relationship, Well,
then it's not about age. Do you want to find
someone so you're not alone, or do you want a
life partner, Because then it's not about age. If you
(17:15):
want a real, lasting love, a healthy relationship, a life partner,
it's got nothing to do with age. It's all about maturity.
It's all about emotional intelligence, it's all about self mastery.
Relationships don't last or fall apart because of the age
you met. Relationships are not better because you met before
(17:36):
thirty and worse because you met after. They're better because
you've got to know yourself. And so did that person
married success is about maturity, not timing. It's not about age.
I've always found it fascinating. I love weddings. I love love.
I've had the fortune of officiating marriages, and when I'm
(17:56):
officiating a wedding, the only thing I'm saying to my
of in my mind is don't cry. Don't cry, don't cry.
Because I love love so much. I love weddings, I
love vows, I love all of it. But here's the thing.
From everyone I've coached and people I've worked with, people
spend so much more time and money planning a wedding
than they do planning a marriage. When you're planning a wedding,
(18:18):
you're thinking about the guest list. If you plan your marriage,
you'd know whose company you'd want for the rest of
your life. When you're planning a wedding, you're thinking about
the budget. When you're planning a marriage, we often avoid
conversations about money. When you're planning a wedding, you're excited,
you're looking forward to it. When you're living in a marriage,
(18:42):
you may lose that spark. We spend more time planning
a wedding than we do a marriage, even though the
marriage is what we're going to have for the rest
of our life, and the wedding is going to be
over in a night. And I'm not saying weddings are
not important. I had a wedding that I loved. It
was a beautiful, beautiful day. Trying to help us shift
our focus onto building a marriage, not just a wedding,
(19:02):
on building love, not just not being lonely. If you're
someone who's thirty two, thirty thirty four, thirty five to
forty fifty, whatever it is is, I want you to
remind yourself and I want you to say this to yourself.
Marrying later doesn't mean my life will be harder. It
means I have more clarity about what I want. The
(19:24):
time I've taken to grow, to work to know myself
is actually giving me a better chance for a good,
healthy relationship. Happiness in marriage doesn't come from marrying young
or old. It comes from communication, shared values, and emotional readiness.
(19:46):
We've got to reprogram our mind, got to shift the
way with thinking you're not late. If you get married
at thirty five, you're not late. If you find your person,
you're not late. If you're still single while everyone else
posts wedding photos, you're not late. If your love story
(20:10):
starts later than your friends, you're not late. If you
choose yourself before choosing someone else, you're not late. If
you waited for a healthy love instead of rushing into
a toxic one, you're not late. If you're still figuring
out who you are while others settle down, you're not late.
(20:34):
If you build your life first and let love join
it later, you're not late. Now, maybe the next door
is the one you're having. I haven't achieved anything yet,
So maybe you found a job that you like. Maybe
you're doing all right in your relationship, but you think
you haven't achieved anything right now, there's billionaires that are
twenty one years old, thirty years old. What am I
(20:56):
doing now? There's influences that a millionaire is at sixteen.
What am I doing with my life? I haven't achieved
anything yet. I haven't won any award. I haven't been noticed,
I haven't been recognized. I'm sure it's very natural to
feel that way. By the way, there's more awards than
ever existed before. Before we had the Emmys, the Oscars,
the Grammys, and the Tony's. Right today, there's like a
(21:16):
million different awards for a million different things. It feels
like we're just making up awards to give them out.
But think about this for a second. Take a look
(21:45):
at this research. Early bloomers don't guarantee lasting success. Research
from Harvard's Grant Study, the longest running study of adult development,
found that life satisfaction at age seventy correlated more with
relationship quality than with early career success. What predicts happiness
(22:08):
at age seventy and age eighty. It wasn't their fame,
It wasn't their income, It wasn't their early career achievements
that best predicted who was happier later on. It was
the warmth of their relationships with family and friends. It
was the closeness of their community. People who had close,
(22:29):
satisfying relationships at age fifty were healthier, happier, more resilient
into old age. Those who reported being very satisfied in
their relationships at middle age tended to have better physical
health by their eighties, slower cognitive decline, less chronic illness,
mental and emotional well being, even when life was painful,
(22:52):
whether you had lost illness or setbacks. People in warm
relationships whethered it better emotionally and physically. Big wins in
your twenties or thirties. Big titles, money recognition didn't consistently
lead to better health or deeper joy later in life
(23:12):
if the relationships weren't strong. Some people who seemed on
top early floundered later if their social bones were weak.
At the same time, some with modest achievements but strong
connections reported greater life satisfaction. Don't measure your life by
(23:32):
your wins. Measure it by the people who cheer when
you win. Don't measure your life by what you've achieved.
Don't measure your life by your wins. Measure your life
by the people who stand with you when you lose.
Don't measure your life by what you've achieved. Measure it
(23:55):
by who's there to truly celebrate you. Don't measure your
life by the size of your following. Measure it by
the depth of your friendships. Don't measure your life by
the validation of strangers. Measure it by the love of
the ones who truly know you. So many of us
(24:15):
are getting this wrong. I recently was at two people's
seventieth birthdays, two friends family friends, one of them and
another as a personal friend, and I got to go
to their seventieth birthday parties, which was truly one of
the most special experiences of my life, both of them.
At one of them, we sat one night, probably about
one hundred people there that this person had known for decades,
(24:38):
their children, their children's friends, They had their friends from
all over the years, whether it was school, business, life, work.
And what was really interesting is when their friends spoke
about them. Even though these people had achieved something pretty
phenomenal in their life from a material perspective, no one
(25:00):
mentioned it. People didn't talk about how much money they
made as one of their success points. People didn't talk
about how much fame they had. People didn't talk about
what their career acumen was and what their business strategy was.
People talked about how they were as people. They were
(25:22):
loyal friends who always showed up. They were carrying in
compassionate when they were needed, and they were always there.
That's what our legacy is, That's what will be remembered.
Focus on that. Maybe the thought in your head is
it's too late to start anything new. While studies on
(25:45):
neuroplasticity showed the brain can grow, rewire, and adapt well
into your sixties and seventies, the brain is built for
reinvention at any age. For decades, scientists believe the brain
was fixed after childhood, but modern neuroscience flipped that belief.
The brain remains plastic, changeable throughout life. Neuroplasticity means you
(26:10):
can form new neural connections, learn new skills, and adapt
to new environments even in your sixties and seventies and beyond.
People in their seventies who took up a new language
showed measurable changes in brain activity and improved cognitive health.
Even older adults who learned an instrument showed new neural
(26:32):
growth and better memory. The principle for life is this.
Your brain is not a hard drive that fills up
and locks up. It's more like a muscle. Use it
in new ways, and it reshapes and continues to grow,
Which means this, You're never too late to start a career,
build a skill, or create a new path. Your biology
(26:57):
is actually on your side. If you want to learn
a skill at forty, your brain will literally rewire. If
you want to switch careers at fifty, your brain can
form fresh pathways you want to start over at sixty,
your brain is still capable of growth just a little
bit slower, but still possible. It's never too late to
(27:18):
start again. It's never too late to find love. It's
never too late to start a career you actually enjoy.
It's never too late to go back to school or
learn a skill you always wanted. It's never too late
to take control of your health, no matter your past habits.
(27:38):
It's never too late to repair a relationship that matters
to you. It's never too late to start saving, investing,
or getting smarter with money. It's never too late to
change directions when the life you build doesn't fit anymore.
And maybe your thought is I'm getting too old to
(27:59):
be Happiness actually peaks later than you think. A lot
of people say I missed the good old days, and
what they mean is I miss being at college. Now
here's the truth. If you just graduated college, I promise
you that does not have to be your best years.
If you graduated college ten years ago, I promise you
(28:21):
those do not have to be your best years. Imagine
living the rest of your life and thinking college were
my best years. I promise you every decade can get
better than the last if you want it to. Every
decade can be more fulfilling if you want it to college.
Should never be your best years. They should be great years,
fun years, but never your best years. Large scale studies
(28:42):
found that happiness follows a U shaped curve. Life satisfaction
dips in the forties, then rises again, peaking in the
fifties and beyond. Here's the principle, you may not even
have hit your happiest years yet, how can you be
to your own peak? Based on large scale surveys of
(29:04):
more than three hundred and forty thousand Americans, participants rated
daily emotions and overall life evaluation. What they found was
this early adulthood twenty to thirties higher optimism, excitement, but
also higher stress, anxiety, and comparison pressure. Mid life forties,
(29:25):
life satisfaction hits a low point, often called the mid
life crisis or slump. This is linked to juggling work, kids,
money pressures, aging parents, and unfulfilled expectations. Later life fifties plus,
life satisfaction begins to climb again, often higher than in
early adulthood. People report more gratitude, contentment, and emotional stability.
(29:50):
Happiness tends to rise through the fifties, sixties, and seventies,
depending on health and social support and here's why. By midlife,
people recalibrate expectations and stop measuring against unrealistic goals. Older
adults score higher on emotional stability because there are fewer
mood swings, less anger, less envy, and comparison. Studies show
(30:15):
how older adults value time relationships meaning more than status
or comparison. They focus on fewer but deeper relationships. So
if you're forty and feeling behind, science suggests you're in
the natural dip of the curve, not broken, not late. Statistically,
(30:36):
things get better. The happiness rebound means your fifties and
sixties may bring more contentment than your twenties ever did
Happiness isn't front loaded, it's U shaped. If you're in
the valley, the data says you're climbing toward a peak.
I hope that that answers helps you think about some
(30:56):
of the thoughts that are going on your mind. I
hope you use this episode is a way to interrupt
that pattern. These thoughts are just patterns. I'm not good enough,
I'm behind, I'm late, i'm not married yet, I haven't
found my person. They're just patterns, patterns that you've repeated.
This episode is about breaking that pattern. Listen to it
again and again and again until you realize that your
(31:19):
timeline is fine, your watch is working, your clock is accurate,
and when you're present with the time you have, you'll
create an amazing future. Thanks for listening. Make sure you subscribe,
Share this with a friend, and remember and forever in
your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thank you
so much for listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it,
(31:42):
you'll love my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort
is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking
your hidden potential. If you know you want to be
more and achieve more this year, go check it out
right now. You set a goal today, you achieve it
in six months, and then by the time it happens,
it's almost a relief. There's no sense of meaning and purpose.
(32:05):
You sort of expected it, and you would have been
disappointed if it didn't happen.
Don't judge today's progress by yesterday's definition of success. What
mattered then might not matter now. Don't hold yourself hostage
to the dreams of your younger self. It's okay if
you've outgrown them. Don't compare today's version of you to
an old standard that no longer fits. Yesterday's goals were
(00:25):
right for who you were, then today's goals are right
for who you are right now. The number one health
and wellness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Sheetty. Hey, everyone, welcome
back to On Purpose. It's your host, Jay Shetty. And
whether you're cooking, whether you're cleaning, whether you're rushing off
(00:47):
to work, whether you're at the gym, whether you're walking
your dog. I'm so grateful that you're joining me. Thank
you for letting me into your life and your ears.
I don't take your time for granted, and I want
to make this the best thirty minutes to shift your mindset.
Thanks for investing this time and let's go get it. So.
If you've been feeling stuck, if you're feeling late, if
(01:09):
you're feeling behind, this episode is for you. Maybe you're
seeing all your friends get married right now and you're
thinking I don't even know who I'm gonna be with.
Maybe all your friends are getting promoted or moving into
a nicer apartment, and you're thinking, I'm still living at home.
Maybe some of you are looking around you and just
thinking everyone seems to be doing better, Everyone seems happier,
(01:30):
everyone seems like they have more going on, and I'm
feeling bored. If you felt any of those things, I
want you to know that what you're thinking and feeling
right now is actually the launch pad to your best self,
not a dead end. See here's the reality. Our targets
(01:51):
haven't changed, they just feel more unattainable than ever. We
grew up in a world that was all about going
to college, getting a good degree, getting a good job,
getting married, and all these things had to happen by
a certain age, then having kids by a certain age,
promoted by a certain age, And it almost feels like
we're still living by those metrics, but in a world
(02:12):
that is drastically change, in a world that is actually
processing itself completely differently. Industries have changed, apps have been invented,
There is so much happening with AI and technology, but
we're still living by the same metrics of success. What
I want to address today is talk about the emotional
(02:33):
response and the thought in your head and the feelings
that you're having, and talk to you about the reset,
the data, and the reflective approach to what's really happening
in our lives. So the first thought that a lot
of us are having right now, and maybe you've had
this one as well, is I am behind everyone. I'm behind,
(02:53):
I've been left behind. Everyone's ahead of me. I don't
know what to do. Sociologists call this the idea of
a social clock milestones like marriage, kids, or career by
a certain age. But studies show that people who deviate
from the social clock often report equal or greater life satisfaction.
(03:19):
So we think, if I stay on track, I'll be happier,
But the truth is those who deviate are either equally
as happy or potentially even more happy. There's no late,
there's only your time. The social clock is the unspoken
timeline society sets for us. Graduate by your early twenties,
(03:40):
marry by your late twenties, kids by thirty, house by
thirty five, career peak by forty, et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera. But what research has found is that they
studied adults who are on time following the clock and
those who were off time, later or earlier than expected milestones.
(04:02):
The result, people who felt comfortable with their own timing,
even if it deviated, reported equal or greater life satisfaction
compared to those who rigidly followed the clock. I really
want you to digest this. I really want you to
inhale and breed this in. Those who deviate from the
(04:23):
social clock are equally as happy, if not more happy.
If you're not married yet and you think you should be,
if you haven't got promoted yet and you think you
should be, if you haven't had kids yet and you
think you should have, that doesn't steal your chance at
a happy, joyful, wonderful life. That's just not how it works.
(04:46):
The key factor wasn't when milestones happened, but how much
control and meaning people felt over their lives. What we're
struggling with at the route is thirty and thirty five
and forty gives us a sense of control. So when
we get to thirty two and we haven't found our person,
we think we've lost control. We think we've lost agency,
(05:10):
we think we've lost the ability to choose. We're actually
not worried about age. What we're really worried is about control.
I want to be able to control my life, and
if everyone's doing something at thirty, that means I'm out
of control. So what do we do with that? You
control the things you can change, You control the things
you can impact, You control the things you can influence.
(05:33):
It's that which is going to make your life happy.
Why this matters psychologically is that feeling in charge of
your choices predicts happiness more than hitting milestones on a schedule.
Feeling in charge of your choices, that's what we're looking
for as humans. We want to feel like I know
(05:54):
why I'm doing this. But let's take a look at this.
If you make a decision based on a milestone and
your only reason is I think come late, you're not
going to feel in charge of your choices. If your
only thought is I don't want to be left behind,
you're not really in charge of your choices. If your
only thought is everyone's doing it, why am I not,
(06:17):
you're not in charge of your choices, which leads to
bad decisions. Always say to people it's better to be
single and deal with the challenges that come with that.
In your mind and in your thoughts. Then the challenges
of being with someone who's not right for you. It
comes with so much more baggage, so much more stress.
So knowing you're in charge of your choices will change
(06:40):
your life now. People who felt pressured by the clock
often reported anxiety, depression, or dissatisfaction if they felt behind.
But those who readers find success on their own terms
tended to have healthier mental well being. And this is
how that plays out today. Social clock has loosened since
(07:02):
the nineteen sixties. People marry later, they switch careers more often,
they delay kids, and we're going to talk about all
of those things later on in this video. But the
pressure still exists, and it's just amplified by social media.
The researcher's finding is more relevant than ever before. If
you detach your self worth from society stopwatch, you actually
(07:26):
increase your odds of life satisfaction. The research proves what
we keep trying to avoid. You're not late. You're only
late if you're living by someone else's watch. It's almost
like you're living in New York, but you're looking at
someone who lives in Singapore and thinking you're behind. Well,
(07:47):
of course you're behind. You live in New York, you
can possibly be on the same time as Singapore. Does
that mean you're behind? Is it weird that Australia celebrates
New Year's before all of us? Does that mean we're behind? No,
we're just following a different clock. Stop following everyone else's timeline.
(08:08):
Stop believing everyone else's highlight reel. Stop chasing everyone else's
definition of success. Stop trying to reach everyone else's milestones.
Stop feeling everyone else's pressure to have it figured out.
Stop needing everyone else's validation. Stop following everyone else's path
(08:35):
when your soul is putting another way, that's how you
experience peace. Now, let's say your thought is I haven't
found my career or my purpose yet. The US Bureau
of Labor Statistics found the average American changes jobs twelve
times in their lifetime. Careers are far less straight lines
(08:58):
than they used to be. Most of these changes happen
before age thirty five, meaning your twenties and early thirties
are often about testing, shifting, and experimenting, not locking into
one perfect path. See that's how you feel behind. You're
at an age that is actually more predisposed to experimentation
(09:19):
in testing, but because so many people are choosing not
to do that and they might be doubling down. You
feel behind, but you're actually at a natural pace. You're
actually finding yourself. You're discovering yourself. You're collecting skills, you're
collecting experiences and stories. If you're always looking at the
timeline and the track, you'll feel left behind, even if
you're having the best experience of your life. Want to
(09:50):
make a real difference this giving season this December. On
Purpose is part of Pods Fight Poverty podcast, teaming up
to lift three village is in Rwanda out of extreme poverty.
We're doing it through give Directly, which sends cash straight
to families so they can choose what they need most.
Donate at GiveDirectly dot org, forward slash on purpose. First
(10:15):
time gifts are matched, doubling your impact. Our goal is
one million dollars by year's end, enough to lift seven
hundred families out of poverty. Join us at GiveDirectly dot org,
forward slash on Purpose. Now here's the truth. The economy
(10:38):
has shifted. Previous generations often stayed in one company or
one role for decades. Today industries transform quickly, tech, media, healthcare,
so people have to adapt. Literally, the job I do
today didn't really exist fifteen years ago. And I was
(10:59):
just talking about this with my friend about how even
in nine years since I started creating content, everything has changed.
TikTok didn't exist. When I started, YouTube was having a moment.
YouTube's having another moment today. Podcasting wasn't as big as
it is. When I launched my podcast six years ago.
There were seven hundred thousand podcasts. Today there's like five
(11:21):
million of them. Everything is changing rapidly. How could you
possibly know what career path you have to take today?
We're looking at the impact of AI on every industry.
It's exciting. It's not something to get scared about. There's
so much opportunity. But what we get scared about is
why don't I know what I'm doing? The reality is
what you're meant to be doing may not even exist yet.
(11:43):
Values have shifted. Millennials and gen Z especially prioritize meaning
flexibility and growth over stability alone. It's normal. Psychologists Honor
and Tanner in two thousand and six describe ages eighteen
to twenty nine as emerging adulthoo, a stage where identity
exploration is expected, not a sign of being lost. It's
(12:08):
psychologically not a sign of being lost. It's exploration. When
you think you're lost, you're actually exploring. When you think
you're stuck, you're actually discovering. When you think you've hit
a dead end, you're actually at the beginning. Career zigzags
are healthier. Studies show people who allow themselves to pivot
often report higher job satisfaction and engagement because they align
(12:32):
better with their strengths. Linear parts are outdated. Thinking you
need a perfect straight line career is rooted in the
industrial era, not in today's fluid, skill based economy. Your
purpose is not your job. Jobs change, Purpose doesn't get fired.
(12:53):
Your purpose is not your skills. Skills are tools. Purpose
is why you pick them up. Your purpose is not
your achievements. Trophies gather dust, purpose keep shining. Your purpose
is not your title. Titles fade the moment you walk
(13:13):
out of the door. Your purpose is not your income.
Money measures transactions, purpose measures meaning. Your purpose is not
a single moment. It's not the one big thing. It's
the thread running through all your moments. Your purpose is
not external approval, likes, applause, validation. They're unstable. Purpose is
(13:39):
what remains when the clapping stops. Your purpose is why
you do what you do. It's why you exist. Your
purpose is simply to collect and connect. Spend your life
collecting skills and experiences and stories, and at one point
you'll find how they connect. Now, maybe thought is I
(14:01):
can't afford a home. I took a look at the statistics.
I wanted to share the research with you. Fifty years ago,
buying a house felt like climbing a hill. Today it
feels like scaling a mountain. Incomes simply haven't kept up
with the rise of housing prices. In the nineteen seventies
(14:22):
to nineteen nineties, a typical home cost about two point
five to three times the average household income. Example, if
you earned thirty thousand dollars, the average house was around
seventy nine thousand dollars. It's hard, but doable with savings. Now.
In the two thousands, that ratio crept up closer to
(14:42):
three times income. Houses were starting to stretch budgets, but
still within reach for many people. In the twenty tens,
after the financial crisis, home prices rebounded much faster than incomes.
The ratio jumped to about four zero point five times income,
(15:02):
and today, in twenty twenty five, the gap has grown
even more. A median home costs over six times the
median household income in many parts of the United States.
For example, if the average household income makes seventy four
thousand dollars, the average home costs four hundred and thirty
(15:24):
thousand dollars. You're not behind if you can't buy a
home right now. The game itself has changed. Things haven't
stayed the same. Homes have outpaced incomes by two eggs
compared to your parents or grandparents' time. Don't measure yourself
today by the goals people had fifty years ago. Things
(15:48):
are different, You're different. Don't judge today's progress by yesterday's
definition of success. What mattered then might not matter now.
Don't hold yourself hostage to the dreams of your younger self.
It's okay if you've outgrown them. Don't compare today's version
(16:09):
of you to an old standard that no longer fits.
Yesterday's goals were right for who you were then. Today's
goals are right for who you are right now now.
Maybe your thought is I'm not married yet, or I'm
not in love yet, i haven't found my person. The
median age for your first marriage in the United States
(16:31):
is now thirty for men and twenty eight for women.
That's up nearly a decade from the nineteen seventies. From
Pew Research in twenty twenty one. No, no, what you're thinking, Jay,
I'm thirty, I'm thirty two. I'm already behind. I'm four
years behind. You just told me it's twenty eight. Well
take a second. Do you want to be married or
(16:52):
do you want to have a successful marriage, Well, then
it's not about age. Do you want to be in
love or do you want to have a healthy relationship, Well,
then it's not about age. Do you want to find
someone so you're not alone, or do you want a
life partner, Because then it's not about age. If you
(17:15):
want a real, lasting love, a healthy relationship, a life partner,
it's got nothing to do with age. It's all about maturity.
It's all about emotional intelligence, it's all about self mastery.
Relationships don't last or fall apart because of the age
you met. Relationships are not better because you met before
(17:36):
thirty and worse because you met after. They're better because
you've got to know yourself. And so did that person
married success is about maturity, not timing. It's not about age.
I've always found it fascinating. I love weddings. I love love.
I've had the fortune of officiating marriages, and when I'm
(17:56):
officiating a wedding, the only thing I'm saying to my
of in my mind is don't cry. Don't cry, don't cry.
Because I love love so much. I love weddings, I
love vows, I love all of it. But here's the thing.
From everyone I've coached and people I've worked with, people
spend so much more time and money planning a wedding
than they do planning a marriage. When you're planning a wedding,
(18:18):
you're thinking about the guest list. If you plan your marriage,
you'd know whose company you'd want for the rest of
your life. When you're planning a wedding, you're thinking about
the budget. When you're planning a marriage, we often avoid
conversations about money. When you're planning a wedding, you're excited,
you're looking forward to it. When you're living in a marriage,
(18:42):
you may lose that spark. We spend more time planning
a wedding than we do a marriage, even though the
marriage is what we're going to have for the rest
of our life, and the wedding is going to be
over in a night. And I'm not saying weddings are
not important. I had a wedding that I loved. It
was a beautiful, beautiful day. Trying to help us shift
our focus onto building a marriage, not just a wedding,
(19:02):
on building love, not just not being lonely. If you're
someone who's thirty two, thirty thirty four, thirty five to
forty fifty, whatever it is is, I want you to
remind yourself and I want you to say this to yourself.
Marrying later doesn't mean my life will be harder. It
means I have more clarity about what I want. The
(19:24):
time I've taken to grow, to work to know myself
is actually giving me a better chance for a good,
healthy relationship. Happiness in marriage doesn't come from marrying young
or old. It comes from communication, shared values, and emotional readiness.
(19:46):
We've got to reprogram our mind, got to shift the
way with thinking you're not late. If you get married
at thirty five, you're not late. If you find your person,
you're not late. If you're still single while everyone else
posts wedding photos, you're not late. If your love story
(20:10):
starts later than your friends, you're not late. If you
choose yourself before choosing someone else, you're not late. If
you waited for a healthy love instead of rushing into
a toxic one, you're not late. If you're still figuring
out who you are while others settle down, you're not late.
(20:34):
If you build your life first and let love join
it later, you're not late. Now, maybe the next door
is the one you're having. I haven't achieved anything yet,
So maybe you found a job that you like. Maybe
you're doing all right in your relationship, but you think
you haven't achieved anything right now, there's billionaires that are
twenty one years old, thirty years old. What am I
(20:56):
doing now? There's influences that a millionaire is at sixteen.
What am I doing with my life? I haven't achieved
anything yet. I haven't won any award. I haven't been noticed,
I haven't been recognized. I'm sure it's very natural to
feel that way. By the way, there's more awards than
ever existed before. Before we had the Emmys, the Oscars,
the Grammys, and the Tony's. Right today, there's like a
(21:16):
million different awards for a million different things. It feels
like we're just making up awards to give them out.
But think about this for a second. Take a look
(21:45):
at this research. Early bloomers don't guarantee lasting success. Research
from Harvard's Grant Study, the longest running study of adult development,
found that life satisfaction at age seventy correlated more with
relationship quality than with early career success. What predicts happiness
(22:08):
at age seventy and age eighty. It wasn't their fame,
It wasn't their income, It wasn't their early career achievements
that best predicted who was happier later on. It was
the warmth of their relationships with family and friends. It
was the closeness of their community. People who had close,
(22:29):
satisfying relationships at age fifty were healthier, happier, more resilient
into old age. Those who reported being very satisfied in
their relationships at middle age tended to have better physical
health by their eighties, slower cognitive decline, less chronic illness,
mental and emotional well being, even when life was painful,
(22:52):
whether you had lost illness or setbacks. People in warm
relationships whethered it better emotionally and physically. Big wins in
your twenties or thirties. Big titles, money recognition didn't consistently
lead to better health or deeper joy later in life
(23:12):
if the relationships weren't strong. Some people who seemed on
top early floundered later if their social bones were weak.
At the same time, some with modest achievements but strong
connections reported greater life satisfaction. Don't measure your life by
(23:32):
your wins. Measure it by the people who cheer when
you win. Don't measure your life by what you've achieved.
Don't measure your life by your wins. Measure your life
by the people who stand with you when you lose.
Don't measure your life by what you've achieved. Measure it
(23:55):
by who's there to truly celebrate you. Don't measure your
life by the size of your following. Measure it by
the depth of your friendships. Don't measure your life by
the validation of strangers. Measure it by the love of
the ones who truly know you. So many of us
(24:15):
are getting this wrong. I recently was at two people's
seventieth birthdays, two friends family friends, one of them and
another as a personal friend, and I got to go
to their seventieth birthday parties, which was truly one of
the most special experiences of my life, both of them.
At one of them, we sat one night, probably about
one hundred people there that this person had known for decades,
(24:38):
their children, their children's friends, They had their friends from
all over the years, whether it was school, business, life, work.
And what was really interesting is when their friends spoke
about them. Even though these people had achieved something pretty
phenomenal in their life from a material perspective, no one
(25:00):
mentioned it. People didn't talk about how much money they
made as one of their success points. People didn't talk
about how much fame they had. People didn't talk about
what their career acumen was and what their business strategy was.
People talked about how they were as people. They were
(25:22):
loyal friends who always showed up. They were carrying in
compassionate when they were needed, and they were always there.
That's what our legacy is, That's what will be remembered.
Focus on that. Maybe the thought in your head is
it's too late to start anything new. While studies on
(25:45):
neuroplasticity showed the brain can grow, rewire, and adapt well
into your sixties and seventies, the brain is built for
reinvention at any age. For decades, scientists believe the brain
was fixed after childhood, but modern neuroscience flipped that belief.
The brain remains plastic, changeable throughout life. Neuroplasticity means you
(26:10):
can form new neural connections, learn new skills, and adapt
to new environments even in your sixties and seventies and beyond.
People in their seventies who took up a new language
showed measurable changes in brain activity and improved cognitive health.
Even older adults who learned an instrument showed new neural
(26:32):
growth and better memory. The principle for life is this.
Your brain is not a hard drive that fills up
and locks up. It's more like a muscle. Use it
in new ways, and it reshapes and continues to grow,
Which means this, You're never too late to start a career,
build a skill, or create a new path. Your biology
(26:57):
is actually on your side. If you want to learn
a skill at forty, your brain will literally rewire. If
you want to switch careers at fifty, your brain can
form fresh pathways you want to start over at sixty,
your brain is still capable of growth just a little
bit slower, but still possible. It's never too late to
(27:18):
start again. It's never too late to find love. It's
never too late to start a career you actually enjoy.
It's never too late to go back to school or
learn a skill you always wanted. It's never too late
to take control of your health, no matter your past habits.
(27:38):
It's never too late to repair a relationship that matters
to you. It's never too late to start saving, investing,
or getting smarter with money. It's never too late to
change directions when the life you build doesn't fit anymore.
And maybe your thought is I'm getting too old to
(27:59):
be Happiness actually peaks later than you think. A lot
of people say I missed the good old days, and
what they mean is I miss being at college. Now
here's the truth. If you just graduated college, I promise
you that does not have to be your best years.
If you graduated college ten years ago, I promise you
(28:21):
those do not have to be your best years. Imagine
living the rest of your life and thinking college were
my best years. I promise you every decade can get
better than the last if you want it to. Every
decade can be more fulfilling if you want it to college.
Should never be your best years. They should be great years,
fun years, but never your best years. Large scale studies
(28:42):
found that happiness follows a U shaped curve. Life satisfaction
dips in the forties, then rises again, peaking in the
fifties and beyond. Here's the principle, you may not even
have hit your happiest years yet, how can you be
to your own peak? Based on large scale surveys of
(29:04):
more than three hundred and forty thousand Americans, participants rated
daily emotions and overall life evaluation. What they found was
this early adulthood twenty to thirties higher optimism, excitement, but
also higher stress, anxiety, and comparison pressure. Mid life forties,
(29:25):
life satisfaction hits a low point, often called the mid
life crisis or slump. This is linked to juggling work, kids,
money pressures, aging parents, and unfulfilled expectations. Later life fifties plus,
life satisfaction begins to climb again, often higher than in
early adulthood. People report more gratitude, contentment, and emotional stability.
(29:50):
Happiness tends to rise through the fifties, sixties, and seventies,
depending on health and social support and here's why. By midlife,
people recalibrate expectations and stop measuring against unrealistic goals. Older
adults score higher on emotional stability because there are fewer
mood swings, less anger, less envy, and comparison. Studies show
(30:15):
how older adults value time relationships meaning more than status
or comparison. They focus on fewer but deeper relationships. So
if you're forty and feeling behind, science suggests you're in
the natural dip of the curve, not broken, not late. Statistically,
(30:36):
things get better. The happiness rebound means your fifties and
sixties may bring more contentment than your twenties ever did
Happiness isn't front loaded, it's U shaped. If you're in
the valley, the data says you're climbing toward a peak.
I hope that that answers helps you think about some
(30:56):
of the thoughts that are going on your mind. I
hope you use this episode is a way to interrupt
that pattern. These thoughts are just patterns. I'm not good enough,
I'm behind, I'm late, i'm not married yet, I haven't
found my person. They're just patterns, patterns that you've repeated.
This episode is about breaking that pattern. Listen to it
again and again and again until you realize that your
(31:19):
timeline is fine, your watch is working, your clock is accurate,
and when you're present with the time you have, you'll
create an amazing future. Thanks for listening. Make sure you subscribe,
Share this with a friend, and remember and forever in
your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thank you
so much for listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it,
(31:42):
you'll love my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort
is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking
your hidden potential. If you know you want to be
more and achieve more this year, go check it out
right now. You set a goal today, you achieve it
in six months, and then by the time it happens,
it's almost a relief. There's no sense of meaning and purpose.
(32:05):
You sort of expected it, and you would have been
disappointed if it didn't happen.
Host
Jay Shetty
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by Audiochuck Media Company.
The Brothers Ortiz
The Brothers Ortiz is the story of two brothers–both successful, but in very different ways. Gabe Ortiz becomes a third-highest ranking officer in all of Texas while his younger brother Larry climbs the ranks in Puro Tango Blast, a notorious Texas Prison gang. Gabe doesn’t know all the details of his brother’s nefarious dealings, and he’s made a point not to ask, to protect their relationship. But when Larry is murdered during a home invasion in a rented beach house, Gabe has no choice but to look into what happened that night. To solve Larry’s murder, Gabe, and the whole Ortiz family, must ask each other tough questions.