Has anyone ever doubted something you were excited about?
Have you ever felt judged for trying something different?
Today, Jay opens up about one of the most painful yet common experiences: feeling unsupported, unseen, or misunderstood by the people closest to us. He unpacks the psychology behind why others often don’t believe in us, highlighting the “false consensus effect” and the tendency for others to anchor us to who we used to be. But Jay reminds us this isn’t a flaw in our vision, it’s a sign that we’re ahead of the curve.
Jay also dives deep into how true confidence is built—not before we begin, but because we begin. He shares why strangers may become your strongest supporters, how to use resistance as a tool for growth, and why failing in public can be a powerful connector. From the competence-confidence loop to the importance of staying grounded in purpose rather than revenge, Jay outlines seven transformational shifts that can help anyone move from self-doubt to self-trust.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Keep Going When No One Believes in You
How to Stop Seeking Approval
How to Build Confidence Through Action
How to Handle Unsupportive Friends and Family
How to Prove Yourself Right Instead of Proving Others Wrong
No matter where you are in your journey, whether you’re just starting out, stuck in the middle, or feeling like giving up, remember this: you don’t need everyone to believe in you. You just need to believe in yourself enough to take the next step.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:50 #1: Stop Pitching, Start Proving
06:54 #2: Rejection is Often a Protection
11:59 #3: Use Doubt as a Focus Filter
16:33 #4: Strangers are More Likely to Support You
21:15 #5: Create Before You're Confident
25:20 #6: Make Failure Public Strategically
28:08 #7: Focus on Proving Yourself Right
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
People don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't want flawless,
they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they want real.
People don't want the highlight reel, they want the human
behind it. People don't want performance, they want presents. People
(00:23):
don't want someone who has it all together, they want
someone who's willing to figure it out. Because perfection may impress,
but vulnerability connects. The number one health and wellness podcast
Jay Sety, Jay sheddyet Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy. Welcome
(00:46):
back to On Purpose. Today's episode is all about what
to do when no one believes in you or supports you.
The sad truth is I hear this wherever I am
in the world, when I'm traveling, when i'm me people,
when I'm connecting, one of the top things I hear is, Jay,
the people around me don't believe in me. The people
(01:06):
around me don't support me, the people around me don't
encourage me. Actually, I'm scared that if I launch my company,
if I start my podcast, if I write my book,
if I build my business, the people around me are
going to tear it down before I even have the
chance to build it up. And a lot of us
(01:26):
are walking through life feeling alone. Maybe you've actually felt
disconnected from your community, maybe you've felt isolated. Will you think,
why does no one help me? Why does no one
believe in me? Why does no one support me? If
you've ever felt any of those things and you're struggling
with that self belief, that self doubt, this episode is
(01:49):
for you. Here's the first thing I'm going to say,
Stop seeking support, start creating proof. The science says we
experience a cognitive bias called the false consensus effect. We
overestimate how much people will understand or agree with us.
(02:11):
Here's why that's counterintuitive. We think we need validation before
we act, but in reality, people often believe in you
after you prove the idea works, not before. Imagine this,
You're at a party. You say something you think is
(02:32):
obviously hilarious or smart or interesting. Crickets. No one laughs,
no one's impressed. You're confused. You thought everyone would get
the joke because in your head it was obvious, it
made sense, it was normal that moment, that awkward silence.
(02:56):
That's the false consensus effect in action. The false this
consensus effect is a cognitive bias where we assume that
other people think the way we do because our opinions
feel obvious, logical, even universal to us. In other words,
if I believe this, most people probably do too. Spoiler,
(03:20):
they don't, and science proves it. The science says. This
term was coined by psychologists Lee Ross, David Green, and
Andrew House in the late nineteen seventies. In one famous study,
they gave people a tough moral choice, then ask them
to guess what others would choose. Every group believed their
(03:42):
choice was the majority option, but when the results came in,
the actual opinions were split. Nobody was as obviously right
as they thought they were. Now, why does this matter?
This bias shows up everywhere, especially when you're building something new.
(04:02):
You assume your idea is clearly brilliant, but others don't
get it. You think people will obviously support you, but
they don't. You expect everyone to see what you see,
but they're not. In your head. The problem isn't your idea,
it's that you overestimated how obvious it would be to
(04:25):
someone who hasn't lived your experiences. Here's the takeaway. Just
because it's clear to you doesn't mean it's clear to others,
and that's not a flaw. It's a reminder you're early,
you're unique, You're supposed to be misunderstood at first. Instead
(04:45):
of expecting everyone to agree, get curious, ask more, listen better,
explain smarter, and when people don't get it, don't panic.
That's not a red flag. That's the beginning of something original.
Try this today. Make something small and tangible that shows
(05:08):
your idea works. A sample, a deck, a demo, a pilot,
a mock up. Stop pitching, start proving. Don't try to
convince people. Show them what they didn't expect to see.
Don't try to impress people. Show yourself you can do it.
(05:30):
Don't explain your vision to people. Committed to small thinking,
protect your energy and prove it through action. Don't beg
to be understood. Stay focused long enough to become undeniable.
Don't wait to be believed in. Become the reason they
rethink what's possible. We have to start, We have to begin,
(05:57):
We have to get going. People won't believe in you
before you start. They might not even believe in you
after you start. They might not even believe in you
when you win and succeed. Just start, just get going,
just move. If you wait for people to believe in
(06:21):
you before you start. You could wait forever. If you
wish people supported you before you start, you'll be wishing forever.
And if you want someone to think you're going to
do something incredible before you start, you'll be wanting forever.
(06:43):
Don't wish, want and wait your way into never moving.
Make that change, make that shift, and notice how your
life changes. The second thing you have to understand is
rejection is usually protection. Studies on psychological projection show that
(07:04):
people often reject others' ideas because of their own fears, insecurities,
or limitations. This is surprising because their no may have
nothing to do with your idea, your potential, and everything
to do with their past and their issues. The reason
(07:26):
someone says no to you is more likely that someone
said no to them. The reason someone rejects your idea
is because they rejected their own. The reason someone doesn't
think you're going to make it is because they didn't
(07:47):
have someone who believed in them. Their projection is not
a prediction of your potential. It is simply a mirror
of their past. Don't let someone's projection become a prediction
for your future. You don't have to do that and recognize.
(08:11):
Maybe they wanted to quit their job at one point
and they couldn't. Maybe they wanted to start an app
at one point and they didn't. Maybe they had an
idea and someone told them not to do it. They're
simply reflecting what was projected onto them onto you. We
don't have to reflect it back. Try this today. Next
(08:35):
time someone doubts you, don't internalize it, ask yourself, is
this about me? Or about what they've told themselves. People
will project their limits onto your vision. Don't let people
break your dreams when they haven't even built theirs. Don't
(08:59):
let people who have haven't done it create doubts for you.
Don't take feedback from someone living a life you don't want.
Don't confuse loud opinions with lived experience. Don't take direction
from someone who's never moved. They're not wrong or bad,
(09:23):
they're just trying to protect you. But don't project that
fear onto yourself. A lot of the times when I've
shared risks I wanted to take and had family members
or friends tell me that it wasn't going to happen,
I realized they just wanted me to be safe. I
remember when I wanted to quit my career and potentially
pursue some postgraduate study. And everyone around me said, Jay, well,
(09:46):
how will you pay your bills, how will you pay
for your wedding? How will you take care of your future?
Those were not signs that I shouldn't do it. Those
were just reminders that they valued those things. They were
showing they valued security, they valued safety, and they valued stability.
And those are not bad values. People are not being mean,
(10:10):
they're simply sharing what they care about, and it's your
job to decide whether you care about those things or
whether you don't. Sarah Blakeley, the founder of Spanks, didn't
tell her family about what she was building because she
didn't want to hear that opinion. And that's something I'd
encourage you to do as well. Too many of us
(10:31):
share our ideas with too many people. We want everyone
to get around us. We want the validation and the approval.
And what does that do? It does two things. The
first is it opens you up to lots of feedback
from people who don't understand that industry, understand that business,
or understand that area. You've opened yourself up to everyone's
(10:55):
emotional baggage. That was your choice. And the second thing
is whether they support you or not. You've taken energy
away from the decision. I learned something really important when
I was in the monastery that if you share something
before it's happened with someone who can't help you do it,
you've taken away fifty percent of the energy from that
(11:17):
idea because you have searched for validation and approval before
you've even put in the work. Put in the work first.
Don't look for approval before you've put in the work.
Don't look for validation even after you've put in the work,
because chances are you won't get it both times. Get
(11:40):
it from yourself. Do the work to prove what you're
capable of. Take on the challenge to show what's possible
for you. Number three, Use doubt as a focus filter.
According to the challenge stress model, a certain amount of
pressure and resistance can increase focus and drive. See this
(12:05):
is why it's counterintuitive. We think support makes us stronger,
but actually resistance can make us sharper. Use the no
as a tool to clarify the yes. Try this today.
List every reason people said your idea won't work and
build solutions around them. Turn every criticism into a checklist.
(12:31):
Doubt doesn't mean stop. It means refined. Doubt doesn't mean
give up. It means redefine. Doubt doesn't mean this is
the end. It means start again. Support doesn't always make
you stronger. Sometimes resistance does. Support doesn't always make it easier.
(12:59):
Resistance makes it sharper. Support feels good. Resistance shows you
what you're made of. Support cheers you on. Resistance dares
you to keep going without applause. Support says I believe
in you. Resistance says prove it to yourself. Support can
(13:25):
carry you, but resistance it builds your muscle. Don't resent
the resistance, use it. Let it shape your focus, sharpen
your edge, and remind you if you can do it
without the noise, you're ready for the stage. When we're waiting,
(13:46):
and I see this happen to so many people when
I travel and speak to them, we're waiting for the stage.
We're waiting for the invite in order to be our
best self, not realizing that when we become our best self,
we get invited onto the stage. By the way I
remember this, I did the same thing to myself for years.
I used to think, yes, when I get the opportunity
(14:08):
and then I realized, just take every opportunity. I remember
speaking in rooms not much bigger than the one I'm
in right now, speaking to empty rooms, no one there,
just four walls, and I would practice my speech as
if it was full of one hundred people. And now
(14:28):
when I have the fortune of being live at the
Greek Theater with five thousand people, doing an event recently
at the theater at MSG with five thousand of view
as well, I often think back to that moment when
there were zero to five people in a room, and
the reason is because my enthusiasm and energy was pretty
(14:50):
much the same. What I mean by that is, if
you're sad that only ten people watched your video, switch
it to ten people watched my video. If you're sad
that you've got one hundred views, think about that for
a second. When have you ever had one hundred people
turn up to hear you speak. If you're not happy
that you only have ten thousand followers, ask yourself, have
(15:14):
you ever even seen ten thousand people in one place
show up for you. It's when we become grateful, thoughtful,
and focused on the growth that we've already made that
we gain more energy for the next phase. When you're
climbing a mountain, there's two important viewpoints. One is looking
(15:35):
up and ahead, and the other is looking down and behind.
You look down to see how far you've come, and
you look up to see how far you have left
to go. Both of those viewpoints are important. When you
look down as to how far you've come, you get
energy to move forward, and when you look at how
(15:58):
far you have left to go, you feel grounded and
humbled by the challenge. If you only look up, you'll
feel discouraged, and if you only look down, you'll feel arrogant.
Ego and discouragement are two sides of the same coin.
They'll keep you trapped in stuck and not help you
(16:20):
move forward. What we actually want is humility and proof.
Humility and proof become the best allies for a lifelong journey.
This next part is so important, but first I just
want to take a second to thank our sponsors. Thanks
(16:41):
for sticking with me. Let's get into it. Number four.
Build a belief battery from strangers. The Ben Franklin effect
shows that when we engage with others in small, reciprocal ways,
trust builds faster, even among strangers. It's really surprising your
(17:03):
biggest supporters might not be friends and family. In fact,
research shows strangers are often more likely to champion new
ideas because they're not attached to your past. This is
Adam Grant's research. Imagine this. You post your new business idea, podcast,
or personal project online. You're nervous, vulnerable, hoping your friends
(17:27):
and family will hype it up. Instead silence, no comment
from your cousin, no reshare from your closest friend, not
even a fire emoji from your roommate. Then someone you've
never met dms you this is exactly what I needed.
Keep going. Why does that happen? Because here's the truth.
(17:52):
The people closest to you aren't always the ones most
likely to support your growth. People closest to you are
not the most likely to believe in you. The people
closest to you are not the first to cheer for you.
Because it's the strangers, the others that you didn't know,
(18:16):
that actually are coming from a place of neutrality to
remind you that what you're doing matters. According to organizational
psychologist Adam Grant, strangers are more likely to support new
ideas than friends or family because they're not emotionally tied
to your past. Here's the psychology behind it. You're inner
(18:39):
circle knows you're before. They've seen your doubts, your failed attempts,
your unfinished drafts. So when you evolve, they subconsciously compare
it to who you used to be. It's called identity anchoring.
They unconsciously anchor you to the version they're most familiar with. Oh,
(19:00):
that's just Sarah. She always starts things but never follows through.
Or they look at you and say that's not like you,
or since when are you a podcaster. They don't mean
to limit you, but their memory of your past gets
in the way of their belief in your future. Their
(19:21):
memory of your past gets in the way of their
belief in your future. But you don't have to let
that stop you. There's an amazing scene in the movie
The Founder. If you've not seen it, it's the story
of Ray Kroc and how he built McDonald's into the
(19:41):
powerhouse that it is today. Now, whatever your thoughts are
on McDonald's, it's an interesting story. He's sitting at a
table at a members club sharing his new business idea
that is the franchise model for McDonald's, and all of
his friends have seen him get excited and enthusiastic about
so many any businesses and failed and they list them off.
(20:04):
Ray knows this is different, He feels it's different, but
he can't convince them. He has to show it, He
has to prove it. He has to go and do
it for them to come around. Meanwhile, strangers, they're re
meeting your present. They don't know how many times you've hesitated.
They don't care about your high school GPA, your failed blog,
(20:26):
or your awkward first try. They see your work, your message,
your energy as it is, not as it was, and
that gives them the clarity to say this deserves a shot.
So here's the takeaway. Don't be discouraged when support doesn't
come from the people you expected. Be proud you showed
up anyway, and remember your audience might not come from
(20:49):
your past. It's waiting in your future. So keep building.
Let strangers become supporters, let your results, rewrite your story,
and let the people who used to know you catch up.
Because often the people who will believe in your next
chapter haven't met you yet. So try this today. Find
(21:10):
three people online doing what you want to do, comment,
share message, start building belief outside your circle. If your
people don't see it yet. Find the ones who already
live it. Step number five, create before you're confident. This
is the most important step. You don't become confident before
(21:35):
you start. You don't become confident before you try. You
don't become confident before you fail. You don't become confident
before you do the thing. The science shows this too,
It's called the competence confidence loop. The competence confidence loop
shows that action builds belief, not the other way around.
(22:00):
Wait to feel ready. But confidence is a result of experience,
not a requirement to begin. Choose one microaction that represents
your idea, launch the first draft, post the first video,
off of the first service. Confidence doesn't come first, commitment does. Now,
(22:22):
here's the confidence myth no one talks about. We've been
sold this idea. Once I feel confident, then I'll start.
But here's what psychology proves that mindset is backwards. According
to Albert Bandura, Stanford psychologist and the father of self
efficacy theory, confidence doesn't come before action, it comes because
(22:45):
of it. Now, what does it mean? When you take action,
especially on something new, you build competence, a sense of
I can do this. That competence creates evidence, and your
brain uses that evidence to build confidence. So every time
you start imperfectly, awkwardly, messily, you're not just doing the thing,
(23:08):
you're training your belief that you can. We wait for
confidence like it's a permission slip. But confidence is more
like a side effect of showing up. People think public
speakers are born confident. Nope, most of them were just
the first ones willing to bomb and come back. They
earned it through reps, not readiness. Bandura's research shows that
(23:33):
self efficacy, your belief in your ability to succeed, increases
when you have small wins. These are known as mastery experiences.
It also increases when you see others succeed vicarious experiences.
We think seeing others succeed means we have less chance
of succeeding. Actually it's the opposite. When you see others succeed,
(23:57):
it gives you more opportunity to succeed because you realize
it's available. I've had so many of my friends start
social media channels, podcasts, YouTube channels, and it's incredible to
what's their rise. It's incredible to see them give their
gift to the world and what I'm encouraging my community
and the people around me. To do is say hey
(24:18):
when you see people celebrate that success. And then, of
course verbal encouragement social persuasion helps as well. This reduces
fear and anxiety through exposure. Confidence doesn't require perfection, it
requires evidence. Try this today. Instead of asking do I
(24:39):
feel confident enough to start? Ask what's one small action
I can take to build proof that I can do this?
Send the email, record the first minute, write the first sentence,
show up even if you're shaking. Remember, affirmations don't build confidence.
(25:01):
Likes and views don't build confidence. Being told you're great
doesn't build confidence. Watching motivational videos doesn't build confidence. There
are only three things that build confidence. Choosing discomfort builds confidence.
(25:23):
Keeping promises to yourself builds confidence, and building competence builds confidence.
Step number six, make failure public Strategically. The science shows
that imagining failure before it happens actually increases your odds
(25:43):
of success. Also, vulnerability builds trust. People support you when
they see the risk you're taking. Instead of hiding your
risk or hiding your fear of failure, name it, own it,
and invite people into the ride. Here's what I want
you to say. Here's what I'm building, here's what might
(26:06):
not work. I'm doing it anyway. That honesty earns respect
even if people still don't fully get the vision. I
remember when I started my journey, I posted on Facebook saying, hey,
I'm trying this experiment. I'd love for you to join
the journey. If you want to be a part of it,
great if you don't, I totally understand. And all of
(26:28):
a sudden, it let people know that I was launching
without launching. When you kind of drum up this build
up to this big launch, it almost feels like too
much pressure, and now everyone's expecting it to be perfect.
When actually, when you soft launch and go, hey, i'm
trying something, I'm giving it a go. I hope it
does well, you get far more energy. You don't win
(26:49):
support by hiding risk, you earn it by owning it.
Because people don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't
want flawless, they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they
want real. People don't want the highlight reel, they want
(27:12):
the human behind it. People don't want performance, they want presents.
People don't want someone who has it all together, they
want someone who's willing to figure it out because perfection
may impress, but vulnerability connects. It's one of the reasons
(27:33):
since my first videos, why I left me scuffing words,
why I may not perfect every delivery point, why you
may see me thinking sometimes in interviews and podcasts, it's
because it was real. It actually happened, And it's why
I do a lot of things without a lot of editing,
because I just want you to see my thought process.
(27:53):
I want you to hear it as I'm discovering an idea,
because that's when it's powerful. It's that inception, moment of discovery,
of clarity, of connecting that resonates because it's real. It's
heart to heart, it's human to human. So don't feel
that you have to be a perfect public speaker, or
a perfect coder, or a perfect podcast or whatever it
(28:16):
is to get out there. Here's number seven. Don't try
to prove people wrong. Focus on proving yourself right. People
with intrinsic motivation driven by personal meaning outperform those with
external motivation like proving someone wrong, especially in the long term.
(28:39):
Here's why it's counterintuitive. Revenge success sounds good, but purpose
driven success lasts longer. Revenge ultimately leads to resentment, resentment
of what you focused on, resentment of that person, and
resentment for lost time. Purpose driven success builds confidence, helps
(29:05):
you understand your potential, and creates passion. So try this today.
Write a mission statement, not for others, but for yourself.
You're not doing this to make them look bad. You're
doing this to find what you care about. You're not
doing this to prove them wrong. You're doing this to
(29:27):
find something that you like doing. You're not doing this
because they didn't believe in you. You're doing this because
you want to learn to believe in yourself. Keep it
somewhere visible. That's your anchor. So if no one's clapping
for your idea yet, good, that means you're early. That
means you're building something most people can't see. Support may
(29:51):
come later, but your belief has to come first, because
at the end of the day, if you don't believe
in your idea enough to stand alone for a while,
you're not going to be ready for the crowd that
comes after. Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose.
If this episode helped you, the best thing you can
(30:12):
do is pass it along to a friend, share it
on social media. I love seeing what's resonating with you
on TikTok and Instagram, and most importantly, back yourself loud, quietly, relentlessly,
even if no one else does. And remember I'm always
rooting for you and I'm forever in your corner. If
(30:33):
you love this episode, you'll enjoy my conversation with Megan
Trainer on breaking generational trauma and how to be confident
from the inside out.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
My therapist told me stand in the mirror naked for
five minutes. It was already tough for me to love
my body, but after the C section scarf with all
the stretch marks. Now I'm looking at myself like I've
been hacked. But day three, when I did it, I
was like, you know what, her thighs are cute
People don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't want flawless,
they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they want real.
People don't want the highlight reel, they want the human
behind it. People don't want performance, they want presents. People
(00:23):
don't want someone who has it all together, they want
someone who's willing to figure it out. Because perfection may impress,
but vulnerability connects. The number one health and wellness podcast
Jay Sety, Jay sheddyet Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy. Welcome
(00:46):
back to On Purpose. Today's episode is all about what
to do when no one believes in you or supports you.
The sad truth is I hear this wherever I am
in the world, when I'm traveling, when i'm me people,
when I'm connecting, one of the top things I hear is, Jay,
the people around me don't believe in me. The people
(01:06):
around me don't support me, the people around me don't
encourage me. Actually, I'm scared that if I launch my company,
if I start my podcast, if I write my book,
if I build my business, the people around me are
going to tear it down before I even have the
chance to build it up. And a lot of us
(01:26):
are walking through life feeling alone. Maybe you've actually felt
disconnected from your community, maybe you've felt isolated. Will you think,
why does no one help me? Why does no one
believe in me? Why does no one support me? If
you've ever felt any of those things and you're struggling
with that self belief, that self doubt, this episode is
(01:49):
for you. Here's the first thing I'm going to say,
Stop seeking support, start creating proof. The science says we
experience a cognitive bias called the false consensus effect. We
overestimate how much people will understand or agree with us.
(02:11):
Here's why that's counterintuitive. We think we need validation before
we act, but in reality, people often believe in you
after you prove the idea works, not before. Imagine this,
You're at a party. You say something you think is
(02:32):
obviously hilarious or smart or interesting. Crickets. No one laughs,
no one's impressed. You're confused. You thought everyone would get
the joke because in your head it was obvious, it
made sense, it was normal that moment, that awkward silence.
(02:56):
That's the false consensus effect in action. The false this
consensus effect is a cognitive bias where we assume that
other people think the way we do because our opinions
feel obvious, logical, even universal to us. In other words,
if I believe this, most people probably do too. Spoiler,
(03:20):
they don't, and science proves it. The science says. This
term was coined by psychologists Lee Ross, David Green, and
Andrew House in the late nineteen seventies. In one famous study,
they gave people a tough moral choice, then ask them
to guess what others would choose. Every group believed their
(03:42):
choice was the majority option, but when the results came in,
the actual opinions were split. Nobody was as obviously right
as they thought they were. Now, why does this matter?
This bias shows up everywhere, especially when you're building something new.
(04:02):
You assume your idea is clearly brilliant, but others don't
get it. You think people will obviously support you, but
they don't. You expect everyone to see what you see,
but they're not. In your head. The problem isn't your idea,
it's that you overestimated how obvious it would be to
(04:25):
someone who hasn't lived your experiences. Here's the takeaway. Just
because it's clear to you doesn't mean it's clear to others,
and that's not a flaw. It's a reminder you're early,
you're unique, You're supposed to be misunderstood at first. Instead
(04:45):
of expecting everyone to agree, get curious, ask more, listen better,
explain smarter, and when people don't get it, don't panic.
That's not a red flag. That's the beginning of something original.
Try this today. Make something small and tangible that shows
(05:08):
your idea works. A sample, a deck, a demo, a pilot,
a mock up. Stop pitching, start proving. Don't try to
convince people. Show them what they didn't expect to see.
Don't try to impress people. Show yourself you can do it.
(05:30):
Don't explain your vision to people. Committed to small thinking,
protect your energy and prove it through action. Don't beg
to be understood. Stay focused long enough to become undeniable.
Don't wait to be believed in. Become the reason they
rethink what's possible. We have to start, We have to begin,
(05:57):
We have to get going. People won't believe in you
before you start. They might not even believe in you
after you start. They might not even believe in you
when you win and succeed. Just start, just get going,
just move. If you wait for people to believe in
(06:21):
you before you start. You could wait forever. If you
wish people supported you before you start, you'll be wishing forever.
And if you want someone to think you're going to
do something incredible before you start, you'll be wanting forever.
(06:43):
Don't wish, want and wait your way into never moving.
Make that change, make that shift, and notice how your
life changes. The second thing you have to understand is
rejection is usually protection. Studies on psychological projection show that
(07:04):
people often reject others' ideas because of their own fears, insecurities,
or limitations. This is surprising because their no may have
nothing to do with your idea, your potential, and everything
to do with their past and their issues. The reason
(07:26):
someone says no to you is more likely that someone
said no to them. The reason someone rejects your idea
is because they rejected their own. The reason someone doesn't
think you're going to make it is because they didn't
(07:47):
have someone who believed in them. Their projection is not
a prediction of your potential. It is simply a mirror
of their past. Don't let someone's projection become a prediction
for your future. You don't have to do that and recognize.
(08:11):
Maybe they wanted to quit their job at one point
and they couldn't. Maybe they wanted to start an app
at one point and they didn't. Maybe they had an
idea and someone told them not to do it. They're
simply reflecting what was projected onto them onto you. We
don't have to reflect it back. Try this today. Next
(08:35):
time someone doubts you, don't internalize it, ask yourself, is
this about me? Or about what they've told themselves. People
will project their limits onto your vision. Don't let people
break your dreams when they haven't even built theirs. Don't
(08:59):
let people who have haven't done it create doubts for you.
Don't take feedback from someone living a life you don't want.
Don't confuse loud opinions with lived experience. Don't take direction
from someone who's never moved. They're not wrong or bad,
(09:23):
they're just trying to protect you. But don't project that
fear onto yourself. A lot of the times when I've
shared risks I wanted to take and had family members
or friends tell me that it wasn't going to happen,
I realized they just wanted me to be safe. I
remember when I wanted to quit my career and potentially
pursue some postgraduate study. And everyone around me said, Jay, well,
(09:46):
how will you pay your bills, how will you pay
for your wedding? How will you take care of your future?
Those were not signs that I shouldn't do it. Those
were just reminders that they valued those things. They were
showing they valued security, they valued safety, and they valued stability.
And those are not bad values. People are not being mean,
(10:10):
they're simply sharing what they care about, and it's your
job to decide whether you care about those things or
whether you don't. Sarah Blakeley, the founder of Spanks, didn't
tell her family about what she was building because she
didn't want to hear that opinion. And that's something I'd
encourage you to do as well. Too many of us
(10:31):
share our ideas with too many people. We want everyone
to get around us. We want the validation and the approval.
And what does that do? It does two things. The
first is it opens you up to lots of feedback
from people who don't understand that industry, understand that business,
or understand that area. You've opened yourself up to everyone's
(10:55):
emotional baggage. That was your choice. And the second thing
is whether they support you or not. You've taken energy
away from the decision. I learned something really important when
I was in the monastery that if you share something
before it's happened with someone who can't help you do it,
you've taken away fifty percent of the energy from that
(11:17):
idea because you have searched for validation and approval before
you've even put in the work. Put in the work first.
Don't look for approval before you've put in the work.
Don't look for validation even after you've put in the work,
because chances are you won't get it both times. Get
(11:40):
it from yourself. Do the work to prove what you're
capable of. Take on the challenge to show what's possible
for you. Number three, Use doubt as a focus filter.
According to the challenge stress model, a certain amount of
pressure and resistance can increase focus and drive. See this
(12:05):
is why it's counterintuitive. We think support makes us stronger,
but actually resistance can make us sharper. Use the no
as a tool to clarify the yes. Try this today.
List every reason people said your idea won't work and
build solutions around them. Turn every criticism into a checklist.
(12:31):
Doubt doesn't mean stop. It means refined. Doubt doesn't mean
give up. It means redefine. Doubt doesn't mean this is
the end. It means start again. Support doesn't always make
you stronger. Sometimes resistance does. Support doesn't always make it easier.
(12:59):
Resistance makes it sharper. Support feels good. Resistance shows you
what you're made of. Support cheers you on. Resistance dares
you to keep going without applause. Support says I believe
in you. Resistance says prove it to yourself. Support can
(13:25):
carry you, but resistance it builds your muscle. Don't resent
the resistance, use it. Let it shape your focus, sharpen
your edge, and remind you if you can do it
without the noise, you're ready for the stage. When we're waiting,
(13:46):
and I see this happen to so many people when
I travel and speak to them, we're waiting for the stage.
We're waiting for the invite in order to be our
best self, not realizing that when we become our best self,
we get invited onto the stage. By the way I
remember this, I did the same thing to myself for years.
I used to think, yes, when I get the opportunity
(14:08):
and then I realized, just take every opportunity. I remember
speaking in rooms not much bigger than the one I'm
in right now, speaking to empty rooms, no one there,
just four walls, and I would practice my speech as
if it was full of one hundred people. And now
(14:28):
when I have the fortune of being live at the
Greek Theater with five thousand people, doing an event recently
at the theater at MSG with five thousand of view
as well, I often think back to that moment when
there were zero to five people in a room, and
the reason is because my enthusiasm and energy was pretty
(14:50):
much the same. What I mean by that is, if
you're sad that only ten people watched your video, switch
it to ten people watched my video. If you're sad
that you've got one hundred views, think about that for
a second. When have you ever had one hundred people
turn up to hear you speak. If you're not happy
that you only have ten thousand followers, ask yourself, have
(15:14):
you ever even seen ten thousand people in one place
show up for you. It's when we become grateful, thoughtful,
and focused on the growth that we've already made that
we gain more energy for the next phase. When you're
climbing a mountain, there's two important viewpoints. One is looking
(15:35):
up and ahead, and the other is looking down and behind.
You look down to see how far you've come, and
you look up to see how far you have left
to go. Both of those viewpoints are important. When you
look down as to how far you've come, you get
energy to move forward, and when you look at how
(15:58):
far you have left to go, you feel grounded and
humbled by the challenge. If you only look up, you'll
feel discouraged, and if you only look down, you'll feel arrogant.
Ego and discouragement are two sides of the same coin.
They'll keep you trapped in stuck and not help you
(16:20):
move forward. What we actually want is humility and proof.
Humility and proof become the best allies for a lifelong journey.
This next part is so important, but first I just
want to take a second to thank our sponsors. Thanks
(16:41):
for sticking with me. Let's get into it. Number four.
Build a belief battery from strangers. The Ben Franklin effect
shows that when we engage with others in small, reciprocal ways,
trust builds faster, even among strangers. It's really surprising your
(17:03):
biggest supporters might not be friends and family. In fact,
research shows strangers are often more likely to champion new
ideas because they're not attached to your past. This is
Adam Grant's research. Imagine this. You post your new business idea, podcast,
or personal project online. You're nervous, vulnerable, hoping your friends
(17:27):
and family will hype it up. Instead silence, no comment
from your cousin, no reshare from your closest friend, not
even a fire emoji from your roommate. Then someone you've
never met dms you this is exactly what I needed.
Keep going. Why does that happen? Because here's the truth.
(17:52):
The people closest to you aren't always the ones most
likely to support your growth. People closest to you are
not the most likely to believe in you. The people
closest to you are not the first to cheer for you.
Because it's the strangers, the others that you didn't know,
(18:16):
that actually are coming from a place of neutrality to
remind you that what you're doing matters. According to organizational
psychologist Adam Grant, strangers are more likely to support new
ideas than friends or family because they're not emotionally tied
to your past. Here's the psychology behind it. You're inner
(18:39):
circle knows you're before. They've seen your doubts, your failed attempts,
your unfinished drafts. So when you evolve, they subconsciously compare
it to who you used to be. It's called identity anchoring.
They unconsciously anchor you to the version they're most familiar with. Oh,
(19:00):
that's just Sarah. She always starts things but never follows through.
Or they look at you and say that's not like you,
or since when are you a podcaster. They don't mean
to limit you, but their memory of your past gets
in the way of their belief in your future. Their
(19:21):
memory of your past gets in the way of their
belief in your future. But you don't have to let
that stop you. There's an amazing scene in the movie
The Founder. If you've not seen it, it's the story
of Ray Kroc and how he built McDonald's into the
(19:41):
powerhouse that it is today. Now, whatever your thoughts are
on McDonald's, it's an interesting story. He's sitting at a
table at a members club sharing his new business idea
that is the franchise model for McDonald's, and all of
his friends have seen him get excited and enthusiastic about
so many any businesses and failed and they list them off.
(20:04):
Ray knows this is different, He feels it's different, but
he can't convince them. He has to show it, He
has to prove it. He has to go and do
it for them to come around. Meanwhile, strangers, they're re
meeting your present. They don't know how many times you've hesitated.
They don't care about your high school GPA, your failed blog,
(20:26):
or your awkward first try. They see your work, your message,
your energy as it is, not as it was, and
that gives them the clarity to say this deserves a shot.
So here's the takeaway. Don't be discouraged when support doesn't
come from the people you expected. Be proud you showed
up anyway, and remember your audience might not come from
(20:49):
your past. It's waiting in your future. So keep building.
Let strangers become supporters, let your results, rewrite your story,
and let the people who used to know you catch up.
Because often the people who will believe in your next
chapter haven't met you yet. So try this today. Find
(21:10):
three people online doing what you want to do, comment,
share message, start building belief outside your circle. If your
people don't see it yet. Find the ones who already
live it. Step number five, create before you're confident. This
is the most important step. You don't become confident before
(21:35):
you start. You don't become confident before you try. You
don't become confident before you fail. You don't become confident
before you do the thing. The science shows this too,
It's called the competence confidence loop. The competence confidence loop
shows that action builds belief, not the other way around.
(22:00):
Wait to feel ready. But confidence is a result of experience,
not a requirement to begin. Choose one microaction that represents
your idea, launch the first draft, post the first video,
off of the first service. Confidence doesn't come first, commitment does. Now,
(22:22):
here's the confidence myth no one talks about. We've been
sold this idea. Once I feel confident, then I'll start.
But here's what psychology proves that mindset is backwards. According
to Albert Bandura, Stanford psychologist and the father of self
efficacy theory, confidence doesn't come before action, it comes because
(22:45):
of it. Now, what does it mean? When you take action,
especially on something new, you build competence, a sense of
I can do this. That competence creates evidence, and your
brain uses that evidence to build confidence. So every time
you start imperfectly, awkwardly, messily, you're not just doing the thing,
(23:08):
you're training your belief that you can. We wait for
confidence like it's a permission slip. But confidence is more
like a side effect of showing up. People think public
speakers are born confident. Nope, most of them were just
the first ones willing to bomb and come back. They
earned it through reps, not readiness. Bandura's research shows that
(23:33):
self efficacy, your belief in your ability to succeed, increases
when you have small wins. These are known as mastery experiences.
It also increases when you see others succeed vicarious experiences.
We think seeing others succeed means we have less chance
of succeeding. Actually it's the opposite. When you see others succeed,
(23:57):
it gives you more opportunity to succeed because you realize
it's available. I've had so many of my friends start
social media channels, podcasts, YouTube channels, and it's incredible to
what's their rise. It's incredible to see them give their
gift to the world and what I'm encouraging my community
and the people around me. To do is say hey
(24:18):
when you see people celebrate that success. And then, of
course verbal encouragement social persuasion helps as well. This reduces
fear and anxiety through exposure. Confidence doesn't require perfection, it
requires evidence. Try this today. Instead of asking do I
(24:39):
feel confident enough to start? Ask what's one small action
I can take to build proof that I can do this?
Send the email, record the first minute, write the first sentence,
show up even if you're shaking. Remember, affirmations don't build confidence.
(25:01):
Likes and views don't build confidence. Being told you're great
doesn't build confidence. Watching motivational videos doesn't build confidence. There
are only three things that build confidence. Choosing discomfort builds confidence.
(25:23):
Keeping promises to yourself builds confidence, and building competence builds confidence.
Step number six, make failure public Strategically. The science shows
that imagining failure before it happens actually increases your odds
(25:43):
of success. Also, vulnerability builds trust. People support you when
they see the risk you're taking. Instead of hiding your
risk or hiding your fear of failure, name it, own it,
and invite people into the ride. Here's what I want
you to say. Here's what I'm building, here's what might
(26:06):
not work. I'm doing it anyway. That honesty earns respect
even if people still don't fully get the vision. I
remember when I started my journey, I posted on Facebook saying, hey,
I'm trying this experiment. I'd love for you to join
the journey. If you want to be a part of it,
great if you don't, I totally understand. And all of
(26:28):
a sudden, it let people know that I was launching
without launching. When you kind of drum up this build
up to this big launch, it almost feels like too
much pressure, and now everyone's expecting it to be perfect.
When actually, when you soft launch and go, hey, i'm
trying something, I'm giving it a go. I hope it
does well, you get far more energy. You don't win
(26:49):
support by hiding risk, you earn it by owning it.
Because people don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't
want flawless, they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they
want real. People don't want the highlight reel, they want
(27:12):
the human behind it. People don't want performance, they want presents.
People don't want someone who has it all together, they
want someone who's willing to figure it out because perfection
may impress, but vulnerability connects. It's one of the reasons
(27:33):
since my first videos, why I left me scuffing words,
why I may not perfect every delivery point, why you
may see me thinking sometimes in interviews and podcasts, it's
because it was real. It actually happened, And it's why
I do a lot of things without a lot of editing,
because I just want you to see my thought process.
(27:53):
I want you to hear it as I'm discovering an idea,
because that's when it's powerful. It's that inception, moment of discovery,
of clarity, of connecting that resonates because it's real. It's
heart to heart, it's human to human. So don't feel
that you have to be a perfect public speaker, or
a perfect coder, or a perfect podcast or whatever it
(28:16):
is to get out there. Here's number seven. Don't try
to prove people wrong. Focus on proving yourself right. People
with intrinsic motivation driven by personal meaning outperform those with
external motivation like proving someone wrong, especially in the long term.
(28:39):
Here's why it's counterintuitive. Revenge success sounds good, but purpose
driven success lasts longer. Revenge ultimately leads to resentment, resentment
of what you focused on, resentment of that person, and
resentment for lost time. Purpose driven success builds confidence, helps
(29:05):
you understand your potential, and creates passion. So try this today.
Write a mission statement, not for others, but for yourself.
You're not doing this to make them look bad. You're
doing this to find what you care about. You're not
doing this to prove them wrong. You're doing this to
(29:27):
find something that you like doing. You're not doing this
because they didn't believe in you. You're doing this because
you want to learn to believe in yourself. Keep it
somewhere visible. That's your anchor. So if no one's clapping
for your idea yet, good, that means you're early. That
means you're building something most people can't see. Support may
(29:51):
come later, but your belief has to come first, because
at the end of the day, if you don't believe
in your idea enough to stand alone for a while,
you're not going to be ready for the crowd that
comes after. Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose.
If this episode helped you, the best thing you can
(30:12):
do is pass it along to a friend, share it
on social media. I love seeing what's resonating with you
on TikTok and Instagram, and most importantly, back yourself loud, quietly, relentlessly,
even if no one else does. And remember I'm always
rooting for you and I'm forever in your corner. If
(30:33):
you love this episode, you'll enjoy my conversation with Megan
Trainer on breaking generational trauma and how to be confident
from the inside out.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
My therapist told me stand in the mirror naked for
five minutes. It was already tough for me to love
my body, but after the C section scarf with all
the stretch marks. Now I'm looking at myself like I've
been hacked. But day three, when I did it, I
was like, you know what, her thighs are cute
Host
Jay Shetty
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