How To Make The 4 Most Important Decisions In Life That Impact 90% Of Your Happiness & Avoid Unnecessary Pain And Stress

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be
adding a really special offering onto the back of my
solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily
series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while
outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress
free life. We dive into a range of topics and
the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,

(00:22):
so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter
how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the
on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for
you this year, so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily
Jay during each of my Friday podcasts.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
This week.

Speaker 1 (00:38):
We're talking about your habits and how to develop better
daily routines. Of course, if you want to listen to
The Daily Jay every day, you can subscribe to Calm,
So go to calm dot com forward slash Jay for
forty percent off your membership today.

Speaker 2 (01:00):
Hey man, how's the going?

Speaker 3 (01:02):
Questions for you? How are you really doing right now?

Speaker 1 (01:07):
I'm doing really good. It's been a really really special time.
I've been on the road this year for longer than
I've been at home, which is a new experience. So
I've only been in my own home, in my own
bed for three weeks this year because I've been on
my world tour. And it's a really interesting experience because

(01:27):
I'm getting a slight glimpse into how touring artists feel.
We're doing around forty shows. A lot of touring artists
will do one hundred, one hundred and fifty shows. You're
a music artist, and I'm getting empathy for the challenges
that come with traveling, always being on the move, not
being in the same place. But for people like us,

(01:49):
I think for so long, you know, for the last
seven years, I've been connecting with my community and my
audience digitally. I started making my first video on the
third of jan twenty sixteen, just over seven years ago,
and I've never really met my own community. I met
people obviously on the streets or at an event or

(02:11):
whatever it may be. But to be doing events all
across the world and to see your own community attending
and having these incredible experiences, and then going on social
and seeing that people are posting stories and comments and
their experiences, it's really beautiful. Like it's been really good
for my soul because I think that when things are

(02:31):
tough and when things are hard, a comment, a positive comment,
doesn't hit you the same way as a memory when
someone looked into your eyes and said that video stopped
me from committing suicide, or Jay, that book that I
read of yours helped me get through my divorce, or
you know when I saw that podcast you did with

(02:53):
so and so that conversation has changed my career, Like
when you get that feedback in the flesh when you're
holding someone's hands and looking into their eyes.

Speaker 2 (03:03):
I don't think anything compares to that.

Speaker 1 (03:04):
So right now I'm really good because I feel so
fueled up because I've had so many positive conversations with
so many incredible people, and my heart's filled with gratitude
for the amount of love and support I've seen. We've
been to all over the US. We just finished Australia.
We did three shows at the Sydney Opera House. We

(03:25):
just finished Singapore, and then we just finished India and
now I'm in Dubai, and then we go to Paris
and Amsterdam and Berlin and UK and Spain and Barcelona
and Madrid. So many left. So anyway, it's been a
very special time.

Speaker 3 (03:40):
You know, I would say we're in similar circles, and
you're so right, Jay that until you experience human interaction,
you don't really know sometimes how and I don't think
we will ever know, Jay will really you will never
truly know your impact on world. We will never know

(04:01):
how to quantify it or measure it fully. Even our
teams don't. Yes, you hear nice things people post, or
people stop your sending long letter. Sure, but sometimes you
get these moments. And you reminded me of a moment
where a guy stopped me in a souk in an
old shopping area in Saudi and he told me how
his mother suffers from Alzheimer's and she likes to listen

(04:24):
to my voice before like to restore, to calm down.
And it was one of the most crazy compliments to
get that you're also on an app for meditation, that
people are using your voice to actually relax them. So
you might be like, ah, that's nice, but you really
don't realize how much it's impacting. So when you're doing

(04:44):
this tour, human interaction is so important, absolutely, like senses
and smell and touch and feel, And I think COVID
scared us when we didn't have that there's video calls,
and you can't hug people when you see them. Yeah, yeah,
you know.

Speaker 2 (04:58):
That's my favorite thing.

Speaker 1 (04:59):
My favorite thing is what I bothered is someone has
given them a big hug and holding their hands and
looking into their eyes, and it's such a special experience,
And you're spot on. I don't think we can quantify
what's happening in the world right now and the scale
of impact or any of it. But I just I
live in gratitude that even one person like you just
said that beautiful example. I know people who are like

(05:20):
dealing with their cancer recovery, listening to the meditations, and
it blows my mind and actually inspires me. I think
so many people look to the things we do and
think that we inspire them, but I would honestly say
that when people tell me their stories, I'm more inspired
by them because sometimes I don't even have the challenges
they do. Sometimes I don't have the difficulties they do.

(05:41):
I don't have the hardships the same hardships. I have
other hardships, but I don't have the hardships that some
people in my audience do. And when they told me that,
I always look at them and I say well, you
inspire me because the fact that you can choose growth
and self development and healing at a time like this
that takes courage and strength.

Speaker 4 (06:02):
And so yeah, you sport on that.

Speaker 3 (06:04):
If I ask you, who are you, Jay, how would
you describe yourself?

Speaker 1 (06:11):
I would say that I am consciousness. I a raw
energy here to serve support and try to hopefully improve
people's lives and people's life experience by giving them access

(06:36):
to wisdom and knowledge that they wouldn't otherwise have come across.
So I see myself as consciousness and energy when it
comes to the essence of who I am, and then
I see that purpose of that consciousness and energy to
simply want to serve support and improve the lives of others.

(06:56):
And that's what I'm designed to do. That's what I'm
built to do. That's what I was created for. And
so I've often said before that we're educated for greed,
but we're.

Speaker 2 (07:05):
Wired for generosity.

Speaker 1 (07:07):
And I believe that I'm just trying to tap into
that part of me that is wired for service.

Speaker 3 (07:14):
And why, like, why do you feel that you should
do it? Like, I know it's your purpose, but you know,
we all as human beings want to feel validated or
significant on this earth, and certain things make us feel valuable.
Why does what you just said make j feel valuable?

Speaker 4 (07:32):
Yeah, such a great question.

Speaker 1 (07:34):
There's a beautiful statement by Muhammad Ali where he said
that service to others is the rent we pay for
our room here on earth. And I love that so
much because I think that if you look at everything
in the universe, everything in the universe is always serving.
I'll give you an example. If you look at the sun,

(07:57):
it's constantly giving sunlight. There are so many things on
this planet that depend on the sunlight to be alive.
If you look at the water, it's always fueling people.
It's nourishing people, it's hydrating people. The water is always serving.
If you look at a tree, a tree is growing
every single day so that it can provide shade, it

(08:18):
can provide fruits, it can provide flowers, all in the
service of others. If you look at everything in nature,
it's always serving. And we ourselves are nature. We may
see ourselves as separate, but the truth is that we're
no different. We grow, we evolve, we die, and so
when you are nature. The reason why it gives me
so much significance is because I realized that in order

(08:41):
to be aligned with the universe, I have to serve.
So when we talk about being aligned with the universe,
when we talk about being aligned with our purpose, when
we talk about being aligned with who we are, if
nature is at the core and at the essence of
who we are, then service is not making us feel
significant for any other reason apart from that is our
natural inclination. But because we've tried so hard to become

(09:04):
the enjoyer, We've tried so hard to become the person
who just wants to have pleasure. We've tried so hard
to become the person that just wants to exploit as well,
that doesn't lead to joy and happiness. Imagine the sun
decided to turn off, and when I'm not giving any
more light for the day, or if the water decided
to stop and said, you know what, no more water

(09:26):
for planet Earth, or you know what the trees said,
you know what, I'm not giving any fruits.

Speaker 2 (09:30):
I'm only going to give fruits to.

Speaker 1 (09:31):
My trees all of a sudden, like so much would
break down in an ecosystem. And so I think it
gives me significance because I realized that it's how we're made,
it's what we're meant for, and it's also what leads
to our happiness. So even selfishly, honestly speaking, it's not
that service is completely selfless. Service is also selfish and

(09:53):
selfless because it is knowing that it is good for myself,
it is also going to make me happy. It is
also going to make me feel content. And I think
you know this and we feel this that I'm sure
in your lifetime you've had so many of the greatest pleasures.
And I'm not saying any of those are bad. And
I'm not saying we shouldn't have fun, and I'm not
saying we shouldn't have nice things, and I'm not saying
we shouldn't be happy and surrounded by beautiful things. But

(10:16):
what I am saying is we know that all of
those things are useful and necessary, but those aren't the
things that make you go to bed feeling fulfilled and
grateful and happy about your life. And so I think
when anyone's served, when anyone's tried to serve, the feeling
is incomparable.

Speaker 3 (10:36):
That's a good answer. If I have a white canvas
for you like this, and I ask you to draw
your mental state now what would you draw?

Speaker 1 (10:45):
Oh, these are good questions, man, that is a great question.
So I've often said, I don't know if you've ever
come across one of my friends, Humble the poet. So
Humble the Poet is a speaker and writer, is a
good friend of mine. And the reason I'm thinking of
it is because he's probably the only person I've had
this conversation with. So I try and design my studio

(11:07):
and my office to look like my mind. So I
literally have said that before that I try and design
spaces that I live in, in my home, my studio,
my office, all of it to look like my mind.
I like to live in mental spaces, and I like
to feel like I've taken a vision out of here
and built it around me. And so if I went

(11:29):
if I took you into my office now back in
la or I took you in my studio or my
study or whatever it may be, you would find I
would draw a lot of bookshelves, and I would draw
a lot of books. And the reason for that is
because I feel for so long I wasn't a reader.
So when I was growing up, my parents were really
scared that I wasn't going to be that smart because

(11:53):
I didn't read, and I didn't read up until the
age of fourteen, and the reason was because school only
gave us fiction books. And I was never interested in fiction.
I wasn't interested in a made up story or a
made up character. It didn't touch me, it didn't move
my heart. And then at fourteen, my dad started to
give me autobiographies and biographies, and so that time I

(12:15):
read Malcolm X, I read Martin Luther King, I read
David Beckham, I read Drained the Rock Johnson. Like I
was reading this complete gamut of people in their lives,
and I found that studying people's lives has been the
greatest investment in my life, because when you study people's lives,
you start realizing how similar your life experiences to so

(12:36):
many people when it comes to failure, when it comes
to rejection, when it comes to setback.

Speaker 2 (12:41):
So I would draw a lot of books and bookshelves.

Speaker 1 (12:44):
You'd have Steve Jobs's book, You'd have Martin Luther King,
Malcolm X, you'd have David Beckham and Drained the Rock Johnson,
and a bunch of others. The next thing I'd do
is I like having statements or mantras or affirmations around me,
because I really believe that we don't use visual cues
enough to change our mindset. What I mean by that

(13:05):
is when I walked into your space today, which is
really like your space is beautiful, Like it's so minimal
and simple and like it calms the mind. Like as
soon as I walked into your studio today, I was like, oh,
this is my vibe.

Speaker 4 (13:16):
I like this.

Speaker 1 (13:16):
Right, everyone seems like they're really happy in their spaces,
but I find that because of the environment, it also
creates an energy right internally. So I walked in here,
I feel a certain way, and I feel that when
I walk into my home and my spaces. I also
like putting up either art or lines of wisdom or

(13:38):
insight that helped me lock back into.

Speaker 2 (13:40):
Where I want to be.

Speaker 1 (13:42):
So I have this one piece of art in my
office that I'll send you a picture of so you
can put in the edit if you want to help it.
And it's a picture of Okay, I'm gonna try to
describe this if it's a bit complicated to describe. But
do you remember as a kid, I don't know if
you had them, I don't know. I guess you had

(14:02):
them all over the world. But there were these little
machines that would be outside the supermarket and you put
a little coin in it, and it'd be like a
little space machine and it would like move like from
side to side. Right, Okay, I don't know what they call,
but you know what I'm talking about. So this artwork
has one of those little space machines, like it looks
like you'd have to put a little coin in it.
But then there's a person sitting inside the space machine,

(14:25):
but they're dressed as an astronaut, so it's like this
little kids space machine, but an astronaut is like writing
this little space machine. And then in the background there's
all these different prints from musicians and songwriters, everyone from
Elton John through to other artists that are less well known,

(14:46):
and there's a beautiful lyric on one of them underneath
the music notes and it says, may God's Love be
with you lift off. And I bought that piece of
art work because there's so many messages inside of it.
So every time I look at it, I remember that
I'm just a kid putting a coin into a machine
trying to get to space. I'm trying to do something

(15:09):
quite outlandish ridiculous. I believe that I want to be
able to do something phenomenal in the world, but actually
I'm just a little kid trying to figure it out.

Speaker 4 (15:20):
You know.

Speaker 2 (15:20):
I'm just a student of life.

Speaker 1 (15:22):
And at the same time, I'm like that astronaut who
has this big vision and can see the solar system
and wants to be curious about the world that's around them.
And at the same time, at the end of the day,
I'm fueled and living at the grace of God, the
universe of the energy that I've been given through the
people I've met, and that I need their grace in

(15:43):
order to do this work. So that art piece is
what I would try and draw, but it would be
terrible because I can't draw to save my life.

Speaker 2 (15:50):
So I would have to say, I'll tell you the
picture please. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (15:54):
If you had to describe your childhood in three words,
what would you tell me?

Speaker 2 (16:00):
Conflicted? Loving, transformative?

Speaker 3 (16:06):
Tell me about conflictive and transformative.

Speaker 1 (16:09):
So conflicted because I grew up in a home where
my parents didn't have the best of relationships and they
had their own challenges, and I have a great relationship
with both of them and have a personal relationship with
both of them, but together for them, for each other,
it wasn't the best relationship. And what I'm really grateful

(16:31):
for is I feel that I started to have the
capacity to listen to each of them independently, and I
think it gave me this really unique skill early on
of being able to sit and be present with someone
and just listen to their story and express compassion and

(16:57):
empathy for their experience, but then do it on the
other side as well. Because here were two people that
I loved, two people who loved me, two people who
cared about me in their own way. You know, my
mom was my mom till this day. I always say,
is I'm anything I am today is because of my mom.
The amount of love that my mom has filled me

(17:18):
with has only allowed that love to overflow. And so
the love that the world feels through me is the
love I felt through my mother, through my monk teachers,
through the love that I've gathered, and any skill that
I have is through my father. You know, my father's
highly smart, thoughtful, strategic, like you know, any skill I

(17:39):
have in that way is because of my dad. And
so I got so much from these two people, but
they weren't necessarily getting so much from each other, and
being able to learn how to navigate and manage that
at a young age gave me a lot of healthy
experience in what I wanted to be when I was

(17:59):
older and what I didn't want to be and conflicted.
Also because I grew up in an area where I
was one of the few Indian people in my area,
and so I was bullied for being Indian. I was
bullied for being overweight. I was quite overweight as a child,
and I would get bullied every single day. And when
I say bullied, I mean like beaten up. Like I

(18:19):
would get beaten up regularly at school, primary school up
until the age of about seven or eight, to the
point that I would come back with bruises, I would
come back with my shirt ripped. I would come back
with like, you know, bloody knees, whatever it may have been.
And I was just, you know, bullied regularly. And it's
really interesting because that actually didn't negatively affect my confidence

(18:41):
because I was loved at home by my mother. But
what it did do was build an empathy and compassion
for other people who go through that, because I could
see how damaging it was for other people. So that's
the conflicted part where it was like I was having
these like very mixed experiences where it's like I felt love,
but then I also saw hate.

Speaker 2 (19:02):
I felt.

Speaker 1 (19:04):
Joy, but then I also saw jealousy and envy. I
felt pleasure in some areas of my life, and then
I saw deep, deep pain and trauma in people's lives.
And I think everyone can identify with that. I don't
think that's unique to me. I think everyone sees that.
But I think the way I saw it I'm very
grateful for because I just started to realize that there

(19:28):
was this duality in the world, and that learning to
navigate that duality was the goal. The goal was not
to run towards the love and ignore the other side,
because the other side was always going to exist. The
other side was always going to be present. Could I
have the ability to live in the middle, accepting that
the reality of the world is duality and that both

(19:48):
of these things will coexist for the rest of my life,
and if I can learn to navigate and figure out
and maneuver through this chaos, that would be the goal
of life. The goal of life was not to simply
run towards happiness, was not to just run towards love
was not to just run towards joy, because the other

(20:09):
side would catch.

Speaker 2 (20:10):
Up slowly, it would run right after you.

Speaker 1 (20:12):
So I think that's what was unique about why it
was transformative. It was transformative because somewhere along the way
I picked up that ability to notice that I didn't
have to run away from anything, and I didn't have
to run to anything. I actually had to be right
here in the discomfort. And if I could sit there
and be present in the discomfort, that that itself would

(20:36):
heal whatever I was experiencing.

Speaker 3 (20:39):
You lost two very close friends when you're sixteen, God
rest their soul. How did that play with your mind
or your outlook?

Speaker 4 (20:48):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (20:48):
I lost one friend through him being involved in the
wrong company and the wrong scenarios. And I lost the
other person in a car accident. And you know, both
of those losses are You know, when you lose someone
at sixteen and you don't really understand loss, especially if

(21:09):
young people.

Speaker 4 (21:10):
Both these people were young.

Speaker 1 (21:13):
It really pushes you to reflect in a way that
you wouldn't usually. Initially, I was angry. I was upset
because I felt they didn't deserve it. They were wonderful people,
they were beautiful people, But somehow, why did they have
to go through that? Why did they deserve that? And

(21:33):
that's a question that you can never fully answer, of course.
But what I realized was that the biggest mistake I
could make is in not living with the insight and
the learnings they gave me. The way it forced me
to reflect was it started making me reflect on my

(21:55):
choices in life. I started to realize that life was
a lot shorter and a lot longer than I thought.
And what I mean by that is we all say
life is short, like live it now, but also life
is long when you make bad choices. So when you
make good choices, you can live happier in the present,
and when you make bad choices, it can feel like forever.

(22:16):
Right you make the wrong choice, you choose the wrong partner,
and you struggle to get out of a toxic relationship
that can feel like decades. Or you make a good
choice and a career path you choose, and you can
live in the present and enjoy the life that you're creating,
and so life can be sure and long. And at
that point I realized that my choice has mattered more
than I thought. I had to be far more intentional

(22:38):
than I thought.

Speaker 2 (22:39):
I think.

Speaker 1 (22:39):
Up until then, I lived a quite unintentional, sixteen year old,
unthoughtful life where it didn't really matter, like there's no
consequences to my actions, let's just live on the edge.
And all of a sudden I started to realize, well, actually,
every one of my choices does matter, because if I
end up living a long time, I'm going to be
experiencing them for a long time. And even if I

(22:59):
go now now in the next few years, as I've
seen some of my friends do, it's going to matter
even more.

Speaker 2 (23:05):
And so either way, they matter.

Speaker 1 (23:07):
And I think I hope that realizes a lot of
times people feel, well, life doesn't matter because you could
go at any point, and it's like, well, no, it
matters even more. Or people feel or life doesn't matter
because I have so long, and it's like, no, it
matters even more because you have so long to live
that experience of life. So I hope it helps people
realize that your life matters whichever length it ends up being.
But to me, it made me reflect on like, how

(23:29):
could I be far more intentional and conscious and thoughtful
with the choices I made? How could I not underestimate
the power of a choice, and I started to realize
at that point that there were four important choices we
make in our life. The first is how I feel
about myself. How you feel about yourself is the most

(23:49):
important choice you will ever make in your life, and
it's a choice because the way you feel about yourself
is based on the thoughts you choose to believe about
your So if a thought you have about yourself is
I'm not good enough, and you keep repeating that thought,
you will start to believe that thought, and that thought
will become your reality. And now you've chosen that thought

(24:11):
so many times that that is the life you've chosen
for yourself and for me. I started to recognize at
that point I had to choose my identity rather than
have my identity be chosen for me, because life is sure.
And so that was the first decision. The second decision
I realized was who you decide to spend your life
with the second most important decision you choose to make

(24:35):
in your life is who you choose to give your
love to and who you choose to receive love from,
because who you choose to give love to is going
to decipher whether you feel fulfilled, whether you feel inspired,
whether you feel energized, and who you choose to receive
love from is going to affect your mood. As we

(24:55):
get older and older and older, we spend less time
with our parents, We spend less time with our family,
We spend less time with our friends. We spend more
and more time with that person that we chose to
be with, But often we don't really make a choice
based on any information. The third choice we make, the
most important choice we make, is what we choose to
do for money, what we choose to do to with

(25:17):
our lives, like what you're doing right now and what
we do right now, because you're going to do that
for you know, nine ten hours a day, if not
fourteen hours a day, if.

Speaker 4 (25:25):
Not sixteen hours a day for some of us.

Speaker 1 (25:28):
And then finally, the fourth most important decision you choose
to make is how you serve the world, how you
choose to give back, how you choose to reciprocate for
all the greatness that you've got, because no one is
self made. And that's when I started to realize that
I had to start getting intentional about my choices, because
up until then I was just doing anything and everything.

Speaker 3 (25:50):
Why did you choose to be a monk.

Speaker 1 (25:52):
The two reasons I chose to become a monk. I
saw two things in the monks that I didn't see
in anyone else. So when I was eighteen, which was
how old I was when I first met the monks
that I speak about in the book Think like a Monk.
I had met people who are rich. I'd met people
who were famous. I'd met people who are beautiful. I'd

(26:12):
met people who were powerful. But I don't think i'd
met anyone who was happy, or who was content, or
who was self realized or had gained some level of
being centered. And when I met the monks, I saw
two things. One was emotional mastery. The people that I

(26:35):
met had a sense of emotional clarity and mastery of
their senses, their emotions, and their ability to convert their
own envy into positive energy, to convert these darker feelings
that we experience of insecurity and ego and competition into

(26:57):
service and collaboration. I saw them be able to be
magicians and wizards in how they took these very lower
energies from within and were able to help them to
rise and transform them into things that actually benefited the world.
The world has never been benefited by someone's ego. The
world has never been benefited by someone's insecurities, and the

(27:19):
world is never benefited by someone taking out their trauma
on other people, and forget the world a relationship. An
individual has never benefited from any of those things. And
I saw that these people were working on that, They
were working on figuring that out, and I thought, wow, Like,
who else in the world is trying to figure out
how to deal with these very real things that we

(27:42):
all deal with, by the way, But they're trying to
figure that out. That feels like a worthy pursuit. That
feels like a really, really worthy pursuit because they're learning
to deal with the things that make wealth meaningless. Right,
If you have lots of wealth but you have lots
of end, you'll just be envious of the other person

(28:02):
who has more wealth. If you have fame but you
are insecure, fame does not solve that insecurity, and actually
it makes your fame worse. If you have beauty but
you don't have self worth, you allow people to exploit

(28:23):
that beauty, and you allow people to exploit and take
advantage of it and feel empty. So actually, all of
our life, we can have fame, we can have money,
we can have beauty, we can have all of these things.
But if we solve that core, we can actually appreciate
and use and actually enjoy these things in a much
deeper way. And so I saw with the monks that

(28:44):
they were focusing on what I believed was the core
to human life, emotional mastery. And the second thing they
had which I really gravitated towards, was that they quoted Emerson,
and Emerson said that we should plant trees under whose

(29:05):
shade we do not plan to sit. And I love
that because when we choose to extend ourselves, we've ALWASO
talked about service today already, but it was that service
connection what I talked about earlier. That they were choosing
to live a life beyond themselves and choosing to live
a life for others and people that couldn't do anything

(29:25):
back for them. And I thought that there was some
beauty in that, because despite my conflicted or challenged childhood,
I still had a lot more than a lot more
people right as in the sense of I didn't have
a lot financially, or we didn't have a big home
or anything like that, but I still had a good education.
I still had parents who were making me work hard.

(29:46):
I felt a sense of responsibility and accountability to give
back to people who didn't have that. And when I
went to India and I saw you, one experience I'll
never forget is I was nine years old and it
was the first time I visited India. And as I
told you earlier, my father's from India, Southern India. My

(30:08):
mother was born and raised in Yemen, but she's originally Indian.
And so I'm there at nine years old and we're
in the back of a taxi and we're going back
to our hotel. We're staying at a simple hotel in
the city. And I'm in the car and I'm looking
out the window. I've never seen anything like India. Have

(30:30):
you ever been to India? So I've never seen anything. Right,
I'm a boy from London. I've never seen anything like India.
And I look out the window and we're driving past
an area where there's a lot of young children on
the streets and they're all there, and you know, some
of them are half clothed, and you can see some
of them probably haven't eaten for a while, haven't drunk water,

(30:52):
or you know, they look like they've had a rough
rough time, and that as a nine year old, I'm
seeing kids who are nine years old having the same experience.
Now I've never seen this in London, and I see
kids doing all sorts of things. I see some of
them playing with a little ball. I see some of
them running around. I see some of them just sitting
there and I see these legs that are poking out

(31:14):
of a trash can and I realized that this kid
must be inside this trash can, and I can see
that they must be trying to scrape something out of
the trash can, maybe some food or something. And then
when the child comes out, I realize they don't have
any hands, like they're just scraping with you know, they've
lost their hands and they're just scraping with what they

(31:35):
have left, trying to get some food. And it's like
I saw that and I wanted to do anything I
possibly could, Like I just wanted to, you know, get
out of the car and just run across the other side.
But I'm nine years old and I have nothing to
give them, and I don't know how money works, so
I don't know what's going on. Like, you know, I'm
having this little experience of where we're stuck in the
traffic lights and then the car moves and that you know,

(31:56):
I can't do anything, and I feel like this is
the worst experience I'm having right now because I don't
know what to do. And then we get back to
the hotel and I remember hearing that there was a
couple of people complaining about the buffet and I remember
that just hitting me and just going wow, like that
kid didn't have You know, that kid was scraping the

(32:19):
bottle of a trash can to find food.

Speaker 2 (32:21):
And you know me as well.

Speaker 1 (32:25):
You know, we can be so ungrateful sometimes in not
recognizing that benefit which was upon us even to have
access to clean water and good food. And it was
at that point where I was like it was at
nine years old where I had that feeling. But that
only came back when I saw the Monk. I almost
forgot about it, right, It was really interesting. I left India,

(32:48):
forgot about it, didn't think about it. And then when
I met the Monk at eighteen and started spending more
time in India, we would actually go out to feed
the homeless. So when I would go out, I would
take part in this program that the monks run called
midday Meals, and the monks that I was spending time
with were feeding one point two million now today are
feeding one point two million kids a day in India,

(33:08):
and that even though that's such an amazing number, that's
just scratching the surface, like that's not even enough. And
so I got to be a part of that when
I was there and go out every day and feed
the kids and just you know, see that experience. But
it was amazing how you forget about that stuff between
nine and eighteen. I didn't think about it.

Speaker 3 (33:23):
Once you said it was two reasons, right, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (33:26):
So the first reason was the emotional mastery and the
second reason was this service element, wanting to extend our
life to others.

Speaker 3 (33:34):
You know, something that has played with me in the
last year is the importance of contrast in life, Like
you wouldn't know the other if you didn't taste the other, right,
and for you to see a buffet and a child
scraping garbage, just this contrast taught you that this is

(33:55):
ridiculous that we're hearing complaints about a buffeto when somebody
can't If you never saw that, all you knew was
buffets do you think this is the norm. It's okay
to complain about a caveat or a buffet or a FOURK,
but contrast really makes human beings compare in a healthy
way sometimes, I hope, And a lot of times. You
said also that ego never served anyone. Do you think

(34:18):
that applies also to sports, for example, or business that
can ego actually serve you if controlled?

Speaker 1 (34:26):
That's a great question. I think the first part, I
really loved that point you just made. I think it's
such a powerful point that you just drew out, and
I never saw it like that in that scenario.

Speaker 2 (34:34):
But I agree with that point of.

Speaker 1 (34:37):
I think if we were exposed to more opposites growing up,
it would help us find our middle, it would help
us find our gray. But we're not. We're just exposed
to one type of lifestyle. And I think if we
were exposed to more contrast, more paradoxes, more opposites, more
seemingly challenging things, it would actually spand our horizons and

(35:01):
expand our mine, not close it. I think we're scared
that if someone sees something, it's going to scare them
or it's going to worry them, but actually it helps
them become more thoughtful. And I think that's one of
the things that's become so important to me that I
wouldn't have become who I am today.

Speaker 2 (35:17):
If I didn't meet the monks.

Speaker 1 (35:18):
But if someone asked me at sixteen whether I wanted
to be a monk or meet a monk, I would
have said no. Like I would have chucked a bottle
of alcohol at them, right, you know, like as in
the reaction would have been like, you're so stupid, that's ridiculous.
And so I think most of us are just too
exposed to the same people, the same faces, the same things,
or we're exposed to the same parts of people. That's

(35:39):
one of the things I think you try and do
and I try and do on my podcast is even
if you know someone, I want you to see a
deeper side of them, a new side of them aside
that you're not aware of, because it's not that that
person is one dimensional at all. And even today, as
I'm sharing with you, I feel like anyone who listens
to and watches this will be like, oh, I'm learning
by Jay in a way that I've never learned about

(36:00):
j before. And that's a healthy thing to do. So
but Anyway, going back to your second question about ego,
ego can be used to achieve great things, but after
the achievement of those great things, it will then fail
us once again. And so yes, in business, ego can

(36:21):
be used to achieve astronomical success. In sports, ego can
be engaged to win incredible championships. But in the end,
ego is the same thing that will break you and
lead to your ultimate failure, because the real battle was
with ego, not with the sports team, and not with

(36:42):
the other game, and not with the other team, and
not with the other business person. The real battle was
with your ego. And so I think that confidence and
ego are two separate things. I think a lot of
athletes that I admire, and I'm guessing we admire some
similar athletes have a confidence that they are the best,

(37:03):
but they back it up and they have the ability
to still glorify and appreciate someone else. Ego is lacking
the capacity to appreciate, glorify and admire others in public.
If you struggle to hear good things about someone else

(37:25):
and to join in and to be a part of
that and to celebrate that, that's ego. If you struggle
to acknowledge. You may say I'm the best in the world.
You can say you're the best in the world. Sure,
but even the best in the world, if you really
sat down with them, they would happily talk about someone
else that inspires them to be the best in the world.
They'll never say they're self made. They'll say that I'm

(37:46):
the best in the world because they have ten people
around me who are amazing. Look at you, you have
a huge team around you today. I would assume that
you know you're getting to do this because you have
a team around you. It's how I feel like we
have an incredible team. Like I can walk around thinking
that I'm doing something phenomenal in the world, but I
know that it's brought by by a team. So ego
is when you lack the ability to acknowledge that there

(38:08):
are other people in your journey, that there are other
people adding value to the world, that there are other
people who are improving the world in their own way,
and that there's.

Speaker 4 (38:18):
Space for everyone.

Speaker 1 (38:20):
Ego says there's only space for me, and I think
that ultimately will lead to someone's demise because.

Speaker 2 (38:28):
It's just not true. And ego set up that way.

Speaker 1 (38:32):
It has to be broken by the time we die
in order to let us live. And if we don't
break our ego, life will break it for you. And
I've seen that many times in my own life in
little ways, and I've seen it many times in people
that I've coached. I've seen it many times in people
that I know where it's much easier to relinquish your

(38:55):
own ego. It will save you a lot of time
and a lot of stress. And ego doesn't mean you
don't have the confidence that you're brilliant at what you do.
I think I'm really good at what I do. I'm
very comfortable saying that. But that doesn't mean that I
think I'm better than others. I just think I am
who I am. I'm just different. I'm just And I
think that's the human construct that in modern society we've

(39:16):
made people think you either have to be better or
worse than others. You're either head or behind of others.
You're either early or late compared to other people. And
I'm just like, I'm just different. My timing is different,
my opportunity is different, my voice is different, my background
is different. And that applies to you, it applies to

(39:37):
everyone in our space. It applies to everyone outside of
our space, which is different. It wasn't ever about being
better or worse. I mean, you talk about soccer right
or football like I'm a CR seven guy all the way,
but you know it's like the constant debate of who's
better between CR seven and Message Like they're just different.

Speaker 2 (39:55):
They are genuinely different players.

Speaker 1 (39:57):
They play different positions in their career, they've played in
different places, they've played in different teams. Like, in one sense,
if we acknowledge that difference is what makes us special
and beautiful and what makes everyone phenomenal, we can appreciate
that we stop getting lost. And what we don't realize
is when we compare ourselves to others. So if we

(40:18):
think we're behind, then when we get ahead, we're going
to be scared of the people behind us, because we
know that we call up and we beat someone who
is number one, now we're scared of their number two.
And so you keep staying in that cycle of like
I'm ahead, now, I'm behind them ahead, I'm behind them ahead,
and that's just going to go on forever. Like I
don't think Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk are sitting there

(40:38):
looking at the rich list, going I'm number two now,
man like, oh my god, I got to get back
up to number one, Like who's that LVIERMH.

Speaker 2 (40:45):
Guy who's like you know.

Speaker 3 (40:46):
You know, if people, I'm a very practical, logical guy.
If we just use logic, and I say, jays g
he is a certain height, certain looks, certain eye color,
certain skin color, certain personality, certain childhood, certain journey logic,

(41:07):
and I say, and as you're the same. So it's
already not apples to apples. So I can say how
can I beat them? Or how can I be better
than I'm not competing. It's a pineapple and a chair.
It's it's you can't just make that comparison logically. And
if we but people are under the perception of all

(41:27):
human beings, I should compare myself to a girl compares
to herself to another girl or another actress, And the
comparison is really dangerous because you don't know what they're
going through. You don't know how their life is, their
mental state, their money actually in the bank, You don't
know anything. So this comparison has already flowed from the
beginning logically. So the moment you're like, how can I

(41:49):
be better? You know software one point oh one point
one one point five too, and until I die, I
am at the best version of J the best I
really worked on myself and this is the best gear
I could give.

Speaker 4 (42:01):
Yeah, well then we're good.

Speaker 2 (42:03):
Yeah, yeah, it really was said, I can agree with
you more.

Speaker 1 (42:05):
And I think that that allows you to be inspired
by others.

Speaker 2 (42:09):
I think it's really interesting.

Speaker 4 (42:10):
Right.

Speaker 2 (42:10):
Comparison can work two ways.

Speaker 1 (42:12):
You can either compare yourself to someone and say I
wish I was them, or you can compare yourself to
them and say I'm going to learn that.

Speaker 2 (42:20):
Right, I see what they learned, I see what they started.
I think I do that.

Speaker 1 (42:22):
I've done that my whole life, where I compare myself
to so many people, but in a positive sense of well,
if they can do it, then I can do it.
Or if they learned that, then how do they learn that?
What do I need to learn? What am I missing?
And then comparison becomes this beautiful thing because it's inspiring,
it's energizing.

Speaker 3 (42:38):
Yeah, you can come and learn and as use this camera,
maybe I can use That's a good comparison, exactly exactly.
It's a very good point. So comparison can be positive
and negative. Yeah, now I know why you became a
white Did you leave?

Speaker 1 (42:52):
Yeah, that was a hard, hard, hard decision. I don't
At that time, I don't think i'd made a harder
decision apart from joining. So I just want to give
contact because you know, sometimes people will say, like, you know, oh, Jay,
you became a monk, so you could tell your story
one day. And it's really interesting that comment, because I

(43:15):
decided to become a monk at a time when all
my family and friends were like, this is the worst
decision of your life, Like, think about this. I'm a
London boy, I went to a good university. I have
a good education, I have a first class honors degree.
I'm a straight A student. My life is ahead of me.
And I decide to go away. Everyone's thinking I've gone mad,

(43:36):
I've been brainwashed, or I've lost the plot. And a
lot of my friends and family said things to me like, Jay,
this is the biggest mistake of your life.

Speaker 2 (43:44):
You're going to regret this decision.

Speaker 1 (43:47):
You're wasting your parents' investment in you, You're letting your
family down.

Speaker 2 (43:51):
What are you doing with your life?

Speaker 1 (43:52):
And so I left with a lot of friction and
a lot of pain and a lot of tears and
a lot of emotion from my extended family who were
just like, what are you doing? Like this is not
a good idea. And so I didn't leave to like
a cheerleading squad of like, no, it's amazing. But you know,
it was quite a tough decision to leave everything behind.
I turned down my job office that I had in

(44:13):
the city, and I left with a lot of negativity
and confusion. And then when I decided to come back,
and I'll tell you why I decided to come back.
But when I decided to come back, it's like all
those people were there on the other side saying, we
told you so, look now you messed up. And look
at all your friends are. All your friends got promoted,

(44:34):
they got apartments, they're getting engaged, they're getting married. Look
at you. Look where you are. You're three years behind
everyone else. And so it was never easy to go
or to come back, because I knew what was waiting
for me when I came back. And the reason I
decided to leave is in three years, when all you're

(44:56):
doing is self awareness in terms of so much of
your work is dedicated to understanding yourself. I realized that
I wasn't meant to be a monk. I didn't have
the qualification or the ability to be a monk for.

Speaker 2 (45:10):
The rest of my life.

Speaker 1 (45:11):
And what I mean by that is monks live very obedient,
disciplined lives, and while I'm a disciplined individual, I'm kind
of a rebel. I like being independent. I like making
my own choices. And while that was a beautiful training
ground and it was great for giving me my foundation,

(45:33):
I felt like it was a foundation to help me fly,
not a life.

Speaker 2 (45:37):
To live forever.

Speaker 1 (45:38):
And it's almost like I spoke to my monk teacher
when I was leaving, and I was actually really embarrassed
to talk to him because I thought I was also
a failure in his eyes. Now I'd already been a
failure in my extended family's lives, and now I'm scared.
Now I'm letting my monk teacher down. And I said
that to himsel I'm so embarrassed that I'm leaving after
three years, and I wanted to do this with the

(45:59):
rest of my life. I'm feeling worthless and I'm feeling empty,
and I feel like I let you down.

Speaker 2 (46:04):
And he said to me.

Speaker 1 (46:05):
He said, Jay, what's more powerful. Someone goes to university
or college, and after they graduate, some people become professors,
and some people become entrepreneurs, or they go outside and
work in a company. Said which one's better? I said,
neither of them. It depends who the person is. And

(46:25):
he said, that's the same for you. He said, you
came to university, You've got your three years, and now
you've just got to go and use what you learned
here and share it with the world. He said, but
you don't have to stay here to make it a success.
And that was such a freeing mindset. And so the
reason I left was I realized I wasn't a monk
in the in the rules and the obedience.

Speaker 2 (46:47):
In the lifestyle. You live communally.

Speaker 1 (46:50):
You live in a room, sometimes with thirty people sleeping
in a room, sometimes one hundred people sleeping in a room.
It was really tough on my health. When you're living
in that communal quarters. It's like you've got someone waking
up at two am who's waking up two hours earlier
to meditate, and you're waking up at two am, but
you want to be up at four am, so your
sleeps disturbed because you're sitting right next to someone, You're

(47:10):
using communal showers, bathrooms, like all of that space is shared.
It was like really tough on my immunity. And then
food as well. It's not like you're getting to choose
or for menu what you eat.

Speaker 4 (47:20):
Every day.

Speaker 1 (47:20):
You eat what you're given. And I started to realize
that my body and mind needed far more sensitivity than that.
And so there was also a physical aspect that led
to it, And there was a deep burning desire in
my heart I can say this to you and us,
like there was a deep burning desire in my heart
that I want to share what I've learned, because if

(47:41):
I stay here, all my friends back home, all the
people that I know that I grew up with, they'll
never get access to any of this because they'll never
do this. And we're learning so many incredible things here.
But I know my friends at home are struggling and
suffering and going through so much, but they don't know
how to start. So I felt some accountability and responsibility

(48:02):
that even if I share this with the people around me,
would help them, and I had a desire to share
it further. But I never imagine you would get to
where it is today. I never, never, in a million years,
thought it would be where it is today. But I
had that, and all those three reasons made me very
clearly convinced that I would regret it if I didn't leave,

(48:22):
even though I was going to go back to no job,
twenty five thousand dollars worth of debt because of my
student loan, moving back in with my parents, who don't
have a lot anyway, and having to figure it out
from scratch. I was like, that's better than not living
an authentic life.

Speaker 3 (48:40):
Do you wake up happy or said?

Speaker 2 (48:44):
I wake up neither.

Speaker 1 (48:48):
I wake up feeling purposeful and disciplined. So there's some
days where I wake up and I'm tired and i'd
rather the in bed, But my discipline gets me out
because I have commitments that I believe are important and
that are going to get me to where I want
to be and who I want.

Speaker 4 (49:08):
To be, and it's worth getting up for those.

Speaker 1 (49:11):
So then sometimes it's a discipline day, and sometimes it's
a purposeful day. I wake up and I feel so
connected to my purpose, kind of like today, I knew
I was coming to see you today, and I was
excited about being with you. Today and with your incredible team,
and I respect what you do so much. So today
was a purposeful day. I didn't have to come here
out of discipline. I came here out a purpose that

(49:32):
I'm going to get a chance to be myself and
share myself with someone and someone that I've heard so
many amazing things about through mutual friends that we both respect,
and if I can be that, then that will be amazing.
And so purpose and discipline are what I try and
wake up with as opposed to happiness and sadness, because
I can't really be happy every day because sometimes I'm
just going to get through the day and get it

(49:53):
done and I'm not. Generally, I don't experience so much
sadness because I've the emotional mastery training really works, and
you don't want to spend so much time in that
space either.

Speaker 3 (50:04):
You know. The cool thing is you figured out the
show without me explaining the show. The show is a
slogan is discovering the human behind the title. So for
me today, it's about who's G the human being the
ones that you You know, people love your snippets and
your videos and your podcasts and your book, But who
is G? And I want people to get to know

(50:25):
you and I want and you'll see those comments usually
after you see I love you g but now I
love you more.

Speaker 2 (50:30):
I love that.

Speaker 3 (50:30):
That's because they connected now. Yes, that you're vulnerable, you've
had tough times. And what I loved about your Monk's
story is you had the pleasure and the blessing to
know also what you don't want at a certain time.
Sometimes it's so important to know what you don't want.
And I think you reached that three year and you're like,
I've given it a shot. Yeah, my mission now is

(50:53):
beyond a bigger or outside the circumference. And I think
what you just answered about purposefulness you wake up, Jay
and I can relate is because it's bigger than you thousand.

Speaker 1 (51:06):
That's the only way you can get out. If it
was just about me, I'd rather stay in bed.

Speaker 3 (51:12):
But if somebody asks you how can I be happy?
What would you answer them?

Speaker 1 (51:17):
Don't try to be happy? That would be my honest answer.
Don't try to be happy. It's it's a loaded word
which has so many hidden meanings from so much baggage
that we had in our mind of what happiness is.
Because let's take me to your example, which I love
that question you asked. Right, if we said to someone,
draw what happiness looks like, either people wouldn't know what

(51:41):
to draw, or what they would draw is what they've
seen in a movie or they've seen in some picture,
or if they've seen in some film or some image.
Because when people say they want to be happy, my
challenge is what does.

Speaker 2 (51:54):
That mean to you?

Speaker 1 (51:56):
And do you even know if that's good for you?
I'll give you an example. Someone would say to me.

Speaker 4 (52:03):
Jay.

Speaker 1 (52:05):
If I said to someone, what would make you happy
for lunch? What would you like to have for lunch?
Let's go out for lunch. What would you like to have?
What would make you happy? That person may say burgers
and fries, right, They may say pizza, they may say
a sugary drink like some sort of whatever.

Speaker 2 (52:21):
It may be.

Speaker 1 (52:22):
Now, that may make them happy, but it's not good
for them. It's not actually beneficial, it's not actually healthy.
And so what I'm really interested in is do we
want to be happy at the cost of being healthy,
at the cost of being nourished, at the cost of
being fulfilled, or would we rather be healthy, fulfilled, and

(52:45):
nourished and happiness will just come anyway, because that's a
far more sustainable experience.

Speaker 2 (52:53):
And so I would encourage.

Speaker 1 (52:54):
People to pursue something very different. I would say, pursue
what's healthy life. If you're healthy, you'll be happy. I
feel that every day. I don't feel like going to
work out every day. I don't feel like eating well
every day. Like when you I always give this example
of like when you wake up for breakfast, or you

(53:15):
go to lunch, or you go to dinner and you
see a healthy bowl in front of you. You feel
bad before it, You're like, why am I doing this
to myself? And then as soon as you finished it,
you feel so good, you feel happy, you feel wow,
that was a great choice. I'm so glad I chose
the healthy choice, because healthy choices make me happy. But

(53:35):
now if I did the opposite, if I chose the
Burgram fries, and by the way, I used to leave
burgram fries sometimes as well. I'm not saying not to
eat burgram fries. But if you choose the unhealthy choice,
you're happy in the start. You're happy before it. You
look at it and you go, let's get some more fries,
like bring the catch up in like you know, let's
let's get it, let's do it properly. You're happy at
that time, then you consume it, then afterwards you pay

(53:55):
the price. And so I think I always focus on
on not how I feel before something, but how I
feel after. The things that are good for you will
feel bad before and good after, and the things that
are bad for you will feel good before and terrible after.

(54:17):
And so I'm more focused on how can you be healthy?
We want mental health, we want physical health. I want
relationship health, I want love health, I want friendship health
Like health is more important to me than happiness, because
health creates happiness, And so I would encourage people to
pursue health in their life. Have a healthy relationship with

(54:39):
your partner, have a healthy relationship with your kids, have
a healthy relationship with your body and your mind, have
a healthy relationship with the people you work with every day,
because health will never let you down, whereas happiness, you
constantly keep trying to find it in grab it and

(55:00):
hold it, but it will it will leave you, it
will escape you because it's not meant to be found.
It's meant to be almost felt through being healthy, like
a byproduct, correct, Yeah, like a byproduct. But even more
like it's like I think, yeah, when you think of
happiness as something to be found, you keep chasing this

(55:22):
thing that you don't know what it is and you
don't know what it looks like.

Speaker 2 (55:23):
Whereas when you're healthy, you feel happy, and I think
that's what it is. It's a feeling.

Speaker 1 (55:29):
And so this is actually let me throw this out
there to break it down even further, to really help
people out, to make it practical. So at any point
in time, we're doing one of four things, thinking, doing, feeling,
or knowing.

Speaker 2 (55:43):
We all know what it feels like to think. You're
thinking a thought and you repeat thoughts or you change
your thoughts.

Speaker 1 (55:49):
The second is doing. We're doing something. We know what
that feels, we know what that looks like. Right we
all do something. You're shooting right now, me and you
are talking. I'm talking, you're listening. We're doing something right now.
The third is feeling. I feel sad, I feel happy,
I feel tired, I feel burnt out, I feel annoyed, angry, upset.

Speaker 2 (56:11):
We know what it feels like to feel.

Speaker 1 (56:13):
And the fourth is knowing, which I class is more
of like a spiritual potentially for some people, faith based
a faith, intuition, knowing, where there's a knowing I'm in
the right place, there's a subtle energy that's guiding you
in a certain direction. So we're always doing one of
these four things. What's really interesting about our generation is

(56:34):
we're trying to change our feelings with more feelings. We're
trying to feel different by trying to change our feelings.
So we say things like I don't feel like exercising today,
so I won't do it. That doesn't make you feel better,
It makes you feel worse. But if I say I
don't feel like working out today, I should do a workout.

(56:59):
I should have the thought that working out and exercising
will actually make me feel better. Now when I follow
through on that, I do feel better. And so you
don't change your feelings with your feelings. You change your
feelings through your thoughts and your actions. And we need
to start using thoughts and actions to change feelings because
otherwise you'll never feel like working hard. You'll never feel

(57:19):
like going to the gym, you'll never feel like having
an uncomfortable conversation with your wife. You'll never feel like
asking your boss for a raise, You'll never feel like
doing anything that's hard because your feelings are always going
to tell you no, no, no, don't do it. So we
have to change our thoughts and our actions, not our feelings.
I don't know if that resonates or makes sense.

Speaker 3 (57:40):
It does. If you could teach children only one lesson.

Speaker 1 (57:46):
Ah, these questions. Man, this guy, you're a pro man.
You're amazing that. That's a great question. I'm going to
be thoughtful about this. Give me one say just one thing, right, yes,
take your time. If I could teach children, one thing
would be to not repeat their parents' trauma. I think
that all the challenges in the world that exist today

(58:09):
are because we keep passing down trauma and the trauma
we experience from our parents or the people in our
lives are caregivers. We pass on to our partners and
our children, and then they pass it on to the
next generation, and they pass it on to the next generation,

(58:29):
and it keeps spreading across the world. And so the
number one skill I would teach any child is the
ability to heal from their own trauma from their parents
as they grow older, and help them gain the insight
and the healing that means they won't just.

Speaker 4 (58:52):
Pass it on to their kids. And their partners, because.

Speaker 1 (58:55):
It's really interesting how we just keep repeating mistakes and
keep doing this.

Speaker 4 (58:59):
And I'll give you a person example.

Speaker 2 (59:00):
So, when I was.

Speaker 1 (59:02):
A young kid, some of the caregivers in my life,
some of the people in my family, they loved me
a lot, but they made me feel guilty that I
didn't love them back enough. So these adults would love me,
but then they would make me feel inadequate, that I

(59:22):
don't care about them the same, that I don't make
them feel as important. And I carried that for so
long that when I married my wife Ruddy, for years
in our relationship, I did the same thing to her.
I loved her, I showered her with love, but then
I made her feel guilty. You don't love me the
same I love you more. You don't love me enough,

(59:44):
you don't show me you love me enough. And she's
there thinking, but I, but I do love you like
I didn't ask you to do all these things, and
I didn't expect any of this, and I do love you.

Speaker 2 (59:53):
This is how I love you. But when you've been
loved in that way, we.

Speaker 1 (59:58):
Love people the way people have loved us, and sometimes
the way people have loved us has actually not been healthy,
and so the love we're now repeating and passing on
to other people is unhealthy love, unprocessed love. We're loving
people with the same mistakes and the same negativity as

(01:00:19):
the love we received because we've never healed that. And
that's what we think love looks like. We think love
looks like making someone feel guilty. Subconsciously, we don't actually
think that. Subconsciously, somewhere in our heart and our mind,
we think love looks like creating drama. Maybe the first
boyfriend you had always made you feel insecure and you

(01:00:42):
always had to make it up to him. So now
when someone makes you feel insecure and you have to
make it up to them, you think that's love.

Speaker 2 (01:00:49):
That's how love looks like.

Speaker 1 (01:00:51):
Or maybe you had someone who always created drama and
so something was always interesting. And now when you date
someone and there's boringness because there's peace, you're confused. You're like, wait, wait, wait,
this can't be loved because love's going to be more
fun than this. But we don't realize that that fun
was trauma. And so if children were trained, as they
got older at the right time how to heal their

(01:01:15):
own trauma, the world would be a much better place
because most of the problems that exist in marriages, in
parenting between kids and their.

Speaker 2 (01:01:25):
Mother and father is not anything but that. It's not
something unique to that.

Speaker 1 (01:01:33):
There's a beautiful statement by There's a beautiful statement by
Russell Barklay where he said that the people who need
the most love often ask for it in the most
unloving ways. And I think that is the challenge with
our world. That everyone is screaming out, reaching out, calling

(01:01:55):
out for love, but their way of doing that is
causing pain to others because they don't know how to
ask for love. They didn't know how to ask their
parents for love, they didn't know how to ask their
partners for love, and now their way of asking is demanding, aggressively,
sometimes pressurizing, sometimes exploiting, sometimes taking advantage of And that's

(01:02:17):
only because they were never loved properly.

Speaker 3 (01:02:23):
It's scary, you know, Jamie. It is scary if everything
in our life is a word, and then it's a gap,
a line, and then the first experience is the definition.
So if a child he still didn't experience love and
then his father beat him, love is beating first definition.
And the first definition is very difficult to break at

(01:02:43):
a race, even if you're a you'll still see the
lines there. So to take a lot of work. Yeah,
would you say that you were able to break that
trauma for you?

Speaker 1 (01:02:53):
I would say yes that I have spent the last
couple of decads my life simply trying to heal, monitor,
and navigate any trauma I've had. And you're absolutely right
that you don't become fully free of it.

Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
It's not like it's all gone and now life's great.

Speaker 1 (01:03:18):
And you know, I still catch myself making mistakes with
my own wife all the time. I had a conversation
with her the other day and I was just messaging
her afterwards, going, I'm sorry that conversations are all my fault,
like literally just like two days ago, and it was
I realized that I was. And it wasn't about something.
It wasn't between me and her. We weren't arguing about something.
It was almost like there was something that had happened

(01:03:40):
in our family and we were both taking different sides.
And I realized the side I took was only because
of my own ego. It wasn't because of I actually
believed it. I just wanted to be right about it,
and I wanted to be seen and heard and felt
and understood in a certain way, and I went about
it completely the wrong way. And I remembered how nicely
the conversation had started, and she called me up. And

(01:04:03):
you know, we've got crazy time difference right now because
she lives in La as we live in La, but
I'm in Dubai right now. And so in that short
window we had, like I wasted the core. And so
the trauma doesn't go away completely, but you get better
at noticing it, you get better at observing it, you
get better at limiting it and how often it happens,

(01:04:25):
and you get better at communicating it to your partner.
And I'll often say to Radi that, hey, you know,
that was just me projecting this thing. I just want
you to be aware of that. It wasn't about you.
And as long as you understand that, I just want
you to get that. And at least it helps you
have that conversation. Whereas without you being aware of it,
you think you're right right, You still think that you

(01:04:45):
got it right.

Speaker 3 (01:04:47):
What does love mean to you?

Speaker 1 (01:04:50):
So I'm like you, I'm very practical and I like
to define things less wishy washy and more like practically,
what does it mean? So I define love as three things.
The first is when you like someone's personality, basic obvious.
If I like your personality, that is one aspect of

(01:05:11):
what love is about. To me, it means I like
your company. Studies show that in order to call someone
a casual acquaintance, you have to spend forty hours with
them just to call someone a casual acquaintance.

Speaker 2 (01:05:26):
Now, I think podcasts are different.

Speaker 1 (01:05:28):
I think when you spend two hours like this with someone,
you accelerate the casual acquaintance for sure. And when you
listen to someone's podcast, you accelerate it too. Even if
someone's listening or watching us right now and they listen
to you every week and enjoy the content you make,
they know you deeply as well because they're fully embedded
in your life. The study says that it takes one

(01:05:48):
hundred hours to call someone a good friend and it
takes two hundred hours to call someone a great friend.
So love to me is can I spend two hundred
hours with this person? In the personality section in getting
to understand them? That's the first, and the personality part
is do I take the time to understand? Do I

(01:06:10):
take the time to listen. That's what love includes, not
just you know I like them. The second thing, this
one's really important, and I'll define it more specifically. Do
I respect their values and do they respect mine? When
we talk about respect and we talk about values in relationships,

(01:06:32):
we want people to value what we value equally to
how we value it.

Speaker 2 (01:06:40):
That will never happen. There is no one in the
world who will equally value what you value in the
exact way that you value it, even if you have
the same values. And what love is is I respect
you so much for what you value, and you respect
me so much for what I value.

Speaker 1 (01:07:01):
I actually respect that you are who you are because
of what you value. I don't want to change your values.
If you want to change someone's values, you don't love them.
If you want to change someone's priorities, you don't love them.
I have a lot of friends who say to me,
I'm getting this guy. He's not ambitious enough, and I

(01:07:24):
want him to be more ambitious. And I'll be like, well,
what if he never is more ambitious? What if he's
happy being unambitious and happy where he's at. Oh well, no, no, no,
but he can become more ambitious. I know he has
it in him. Yeah, but what if he doesn't want to? No, no, no,
I know he can be. And I'm just like, this
conversation's unhealthy because that's not love, that's not belief, that's

(01:07:51):
not you think you're seeing his potential and you're going
to find him and you're going to be the one
to make him the guy he becomes.

Speaker 2 (01:07:58):
But the truth is he doesn't want to be that
for himself. So now, even if.

Speaker 1 (01:08:01):
He does it for you, at one point, he's going
to figure out he only did it for you, and
then he's going to be upset that he wasted his
life becoming someone he didn't want to be for someone who.

Speaker 2 (01:08:11):
Didn't want to be with him. And that's what happens
to so many of us.

Speaker 1 (01:08:14):
We become someone we don't want to be for someone
who doesn't want to be with the real loss. And
if someone doesn't want to be with the real you,
because they don't, if you don't respect that, that person
is not ambitious, but that's what makes them special. And
if they don't respect you as being ambitious and that's
what makes you special, then there's no chance of love.

(01:08:35):
And the final one I was going to say is
the third part is am I committed to helping you
towards your goals? And are you committed to helping me
towards my goals whatever they may be. Because that commitment
that I'm going to help you, I'm going to support
you to become who you want to be, to achieve
whatever you want to achieve. I'm going to support you,

(01:08:56):
and you're going to support me. And sometimes that support
me in space. Sometimes that support means a call. Sometimes
that support means cheer leading you. Sometimes that support means
checking you and telling you the truth. Love requires all
three of these things. Liking someone's personality, respecting their values,
and committed to helping them achieve their goals, and they

(01:09:17):
have to have it back if it's two way love.

Speaker 2 (01:09:20):
And I'll give you a real example. A lot of
people have been asking me.

Speaker 1 (01:09:24):
So the number one question I get asked anywhere I
go in the world for my World tour is where's
RADI right, where's your wife?

Speaker 2 (01:09:30):
And I'm like, she's back in La and they're like,
oh man.

Speaker 1 (01:09:33):
And so I go through this thing in life where
people are happy to meet me, but then when they
know about my wife, I'm a nobody and like she
steals all my friends and no one cares about who
I am.

Speaker 2 (01:09:42):
It's a good thing. My wife's amazing.

Speaker 1 (01:09:44):
What's really interesting is that a lot of people are like,
why's your wife not traveling with you? And I'm like,
because she has a purpose, she has a passion. She
has a life as well. And if my wife's only
job was to follow me around and just be in
the audience every night while I'm on stage, sit in

(01:10:06):
a chair right now while I do this podcast, that
can't be a fulfilling life for anyone, just in the
same way it wouldn't be for me. Now, my wife's
come to some show, She's going to come to the
London shows.

Speaker 2 (01:10:18):
She's supportive, we talk every day. It's great. But I'm
not going to make my.

Speaker 1 (01:10:23):
Wife sacrifice her purpose to support my purpose, because if
I love her, I'm going to be right there supporting her,
making sure she has time to do what she loves,
because that's what makes her special. If I take away
from her what makes her special, I might even fall
out of love with her. And we forget that. We
think that if I change this person, they'll be more lovable.

(01:10:46):
But as you try and change someone you take away
the parts you actually even love about them, right now?
So yeah, man, I just, you know, in order to
answer your question, I just feel like I don't even
know where I start.

Speaker 2 (01:10:58):
I don't even know what is love? What is love?

Speaker 4 (01:11:00):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:11:00):
What is love?

Speaker 4 (01:11:00):
I don't know?

Speaker 3 (01:11:01):
I repeat, I repeat the Monica BLOUTI article quote, and
it's very similar. She's like, don't change. Don't try to
change your lover, your son, your child, because if you
do end up changing them, it might fall out of
love with them.

Speaker 1 (01:11:15):
Oh wow, I didn't know that. Yeah, exactly, that's exactly. Wow,
that's exactly.

Speaker 3 (01:11:18):
Like this photoshop. I want to edit J because I
have an image of what my ideal husband, brother Frend,
should be like. So I need to edit you. Yeah,
and then when the editor is done, you're like, I
don't even like them anymore. Yeah, And I think sometimes
the editor also comes out of an ego because I
think you should be this way correct. You know, is
that the reason why you wrote your current book? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (01:11:42):
The reason I wrote my current book is so much
of what we've talked about today, And you know, it's
the reason I wrote it was because I saw that
falling in love was such a critical part of whether people.

Speaker 4 (01:11:57):
Were fulfilled in life or not.

Speaker 1 (01:11:59):
So I saw people who had amazing professional lives, but
if they didn't have a partner or they didn't have love,
they felt a bit unfulfilled. And I saw other people
who had amazing partners and even if their professional life
wasn't good, they still felt resilient and ready for what
the world would bring to them. And I want to

(01:12:20):
caveat that with the reason. Real reason I wrote the
book was because I wanted people to get to the
deeper understanding. And I think this will resonate with you
from what you just briefly told me before.

Speaker 2 (01:12:33):
Is that we compare.

Speaker 1 (01:12:38):
We put romantic love as the highest love. So even
if you love your kids and your kids love you,
even if you love your brother and he loves you,
even if you love your sister and she loves you,
and even if you love your mom and dad and
they love you, you feel because of the way society
has set it up that if you don't have a partner,

(01:12:59):
that you can't have the ultimate love.

Speaker 2 (01:13:02):
But I disagree with that.

Speaker 1 (01:13:04):
I actually think that all love is love. Often the
love that parents have for their kids is the greatest
love that one will ever experience. And if you look
at the greatest love stories in humanity, they're not between
two people. They're not romantic love. The greatest love between
two people is usually one person sacrifice for humanity, one

(01:13:26):
person sacrifice for their people, one person sacrifice for their community,
their town, their city, their country. That's sacrifice. That's love.

Speaker 2 (01:13:36):
It's not romantic love.

Speaker 1 (01:13:37):
We don't talk about in history, like two people who
loved each other and how that helped the world.

Speaker 2 (01:13:42):
You never hear that story.

Speaker 1 (01:13:43):
I can't think of one couple that you think, oh, yeah,
when they got together that changed the world, That made
the world a better place. The love that made the
world a better place was the love that a few
people had for the people in their town that they
protected through tough times. So the families that came through
together when there were floods, when there were famines, when
there were wars, when there were hurricanes, when there were

(01:14:05):
tornadoes and tsunamis, like people who came to that was
the love. The love that we all felt during the pandemic,
when people were trying to help each other even when
it was so tough, that was love. Those were the
love stories we told so let's not live and think
if I don't have someone in my life that I'm
without love.

Speaker 3 (01:14:24):
I have an interesting question that needs your imagination. Gone,
it's a cool one. Well, I need you to close
your eyes, okay, Okay, I want you g to imagine
empty desert.

Speaker 2 (01:14:39):
Easy to do here?

Speaker 3 (01:14:40):
Yeah, nothing in this desert, completely empty. And then suddenly
you see a cube. Have you done this cube test before?

Speaker 2 (01:14:48):
I've never done the cube test. I've done something else,
but not a cube test.

Speaker 3 (01:14:52):
So now and this empty desert, you see a cube appear.
Can you describe the cube?

Speaker 1 (01:14:57):
Yeah, it's white, and it's I'm gonna because it's changing
in size right now, but I'm gonna. I'm going to
say it's white and big, like it's big enough for
me to walk into.

Speaker 3 (01:15:11):
Okay. And is it on the surface, sunk floating?

Speaker 4 (01:15:16):
It is on the surface, on the surface.

Speaker 3 (01:15:19):
Is it transparent or solid?

Speaker 1 (01:15:21):
It is solid on the sides, transparent in the part
that I can walk into.

Speaker 3 (01:15:26):
And then you see suddenly a ladder up here? Where
is it?

Speaker 1 (01:15:31):
The ladder is on top of the cube, pointing into
the sky.

Speaker 3 (01:15:38):
How tall is it? Is it above twelve steps or less?

Speaker 2 (01:15:41):
It is above twelve steps?

Speaker 3 (01:15:43):
New or old, it's new, okay. So it's on top
of the cube. And after the cube you see a horse.
Describe the horse.

Speaker 1 (01:15:56):
So the horse is a platinum horse. And the horse
is very active, like running fast but also raising on
its back legs, and it's a beautiful horse. It's like
you know, I mean, the horse has platinum. So it's pretty,

(01:16:19):
it's pretty spectacular.

Speaker 3 (01:16:20):
It's a it's a it's a vision because it's running
to the cube, to that away. Where is it going?

Speaker 2 (01:16:26):
I would say, right now, it's running around the cube.

Speaker 3 (01:16:29):
Okay. After the horse, you see flowers appear where.

Speaker 1 (01:16:36):
In the round circle that the horse has formed. So
it's the cube in the middle, ladder on top, and
then there's all these beautiful flowers now around and then
the horse is running around them.

Speaker 3 (01:16:46):
Okay. And after the flowers, I'm assuming they're in good health, yes,
the way you described it. Okay. And after the flowers,
you see a storm. Where is the storm.

Speaker 2 (01:16:57):
All the way in the background.

Speaker 3 (01:17:00):
Is it far away? Is it affecting any of the things. No,
open your eyes.

Speaker 2 (01:17:06):
I've never done that before.

Speaker 3 (01:17:07):
Seriously, I'm glad.

Speaker 2 (01:17:08):
Yeah, I've never done that before. I've never done that before.

Speaker 3 (01:17:11):
Look, I have you in front of me. Yeah, I'm
taking advantage of this.

Speaker 2 (01:17:14):
Yeah, you do, man. Yeah, I've never done that. I
love stuff like that, and I've never done that before.

Speaker 3 (01:17:18):
You love this.

Speaker 2 (01:17:19):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:17:20):
It's called the Cocology Cube test by a Japanese psychologist.

Speaker 2 (01:17:24):
I love it. Yeah, I love stuff like I'm excited.

Speaker 3 (01:17:26):
Now you can. You can even use it and you'll
find it on Google. And so the cube is your
sense of self or ego. Yours was a medium size,
so it's between bold, confident and willing to be seen
and small, which is introvert, shy, modest, quite rather to
blend in and stand out. You're somewhere in the middle
because it was a nice size you could walk into

(01:17:48):
standing on the sand. Means you're stable, know what they
want from life and intend to get it. Your logical
and precise sounds right. And you're the first one who
had a solid and hollow okay, So you're between knowing
yourself and not easily manipulated, and you're very self assured
and still busy discovering yourself.

Speaker 2 (01:18:06):
That feels right, That feels fair. Yeah, that's good, that's good.

Speaker 3 (01:18:09):
Yeah, lad, there is family and friends. You've said this
was interesting because I've hardly got this. You said, it's
fairly new, so most of your friends are fairly new
or you don't know each other well because of maybe
your new tour and all of the life that you're
living now. You said many steps, So you probably enjoy
being the social butterfly. You know a lot of people,

(01:18:30):
a lot of acquaintances, few friends, but also entertained acquaintances, and.

Speaker 2 (01:18:34):
Would and I would agree with that.

Speaker 1 (01:18:35):
I would say that I have a lot of new
friends because I've moved country and moved state, so I've
had to build new community. Like I've been in LA
for five years now, okay, and so that's fairly new.
And I didn't know anyone when I moved to LA,
so it's been a lot of new community. I have
a lot of good old friends that like my best
friends that like you know, that I grew up with.

(01:18:56):
But yes, I've always kept a tighter circle, like I
don't have a huge circle, so that feels fair.

Speaker 2 (01:19:01):
Yes, I have a lot of acquaintances.

Speaker 3 (01:19:02):
Of course higher than the cube value friends and family
very highly and dependent on them. Okay, so you said
it's touching the cube, so not completely dependent on family
and friends, but rely on them for support and guidance
at times.

Speaker 4 (01:19:16):
Correct.

Speaker 2 (01:19:17):
Yeah, I'm not.

Speaker 1 (01:19:17):
I would consider myself to be as in that's good
and accurate. I would consider myself to be quite independent
in how I make decisions. But I appreciate the value
that friends and family have in life. Like I wouldn't
want to live a lonely life. I don't think that's
healthy to you know, disconnect completely in order to be
successful or anything.

Speaker 3 (01:19:37):
Yeah, of course, ideal partner Brady. Okay, So he said,
it's interesting since she was going around the cube so
close to the cube signifies a close relationship. And you
said the thirdy glamorous prancing or glamorous prancing house, your value,
outward appearance and once someone that others would also approve of,

(01:20:00):
and a sign moving towards the cube a sign of
new relationship or strengthening of bonds of an older relationship.

Speaker 1 (01:20:06):
Well, I think ralely orbiting makes a lot of sense
because we're both connected, but we're both doing our own thing.
And so there's like, yeah, that's interesting, that's fascinating. Wow,
And the platinum that doesn't what does that's the beauty? Oh,
that's the beauty. I have a very unique partner since
because I've never heard platinum before.

Speaker 3 (01:20:21):
Yeah, rather here whatever, Rady is very.

Speaker 4 (01:20:24):
Like, Yeah, she's, she's she's a very unique person for sure.

Speaker 1 (01:20:27):
Like I've I've never met anyone who has judged me
as little, criticized me as little, and not wanting wanted
me to change as little.

Speaker 2 (01:20:41):
I've never met someone like that.

Speaker 1 (01:20:42):
I think everyone I'd ever dated before wanted me to
change in a certain way, judge me in a certain way,
criticized me in a certain way.

Speaker 2 (01:20:49):
And to be with someone.

Speaker 1 (01:20:51):
Who's really happy with you being who you are and
allowing you to make mistakes and allowing you to rectify
them and then you provide the same space back to them.
That's the uniqueness that I love the most, because it's
hard to.

Speaker 4 (01:21:04):
Find that, you know, it's hard to find that. So yeah,
very Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:21:08):
She must be very at peace with herself.

Speaker 1 (01:21:10):
She is, she's definitely, she's so self assured. I've never
met someone who's, like, you know, not insecure in that way.

Speaker 3 (01:21:18):
Flowers children, we don't have any Yeah. Yeah. The idea
that it was between the cube and her and it
was around that was around you, which is both it's
the joint venture, you know, and near the cube shows
you wish for a close relationship with your children future children.
Amount of flowers signifies the amount of children, like.

Speaker 2 (01:21:39):
I saw way too many flowers.

Speaker 3 (01:21:40):
But I think in my experience with this question is
children in general. Yes, you like to be with children
because they're pure or what. Some people don't like. You'd
see that, he says, one flower, two flowers. I also
see like the company of kids.

Speaker 1 (01:21:54):
I also see what's beautiful about that? And I think
you've resonate with this. Is so my monk teacher never
had biological children because they're monks and they're celibate and
they don't have partners, but they always treat us like
their kids or younger brothers, depending on the age difference.
And I've always found that my community and my audience,
I see them as younger brothers and sisters. I see

(01:22:16):
them as people who are you know. That feels like
that paternal aspect, if that makes sense, not like a father,
but like a sense of being an older brother. There's
that paternal aspect I have towards even my community and
audience because it's like, hey, don't need to make mistakes
I've made, like you know, here's here's what I'm learning. Like,
there's that guidance you want to pass on. So I
also see that example perfectly as it's not just biological children,

(01:22:40):
it's people of the world that you feel you want
to extend yourself to.

Speaker 4 (01:22:43):
So I love that.

Speaker 3 (01:22:45):
Last one is a storm fear, stress, and anxiety. Vaguely
insight or on the horizon, you are at a more
peaceful innerth place. However, the closer the storm, the closer
they made the threat, and he said it didn't engage
with any of the elements. So you consider the threats,
any of them manageable, and you have the confidence and
ability to resolve them.

Speaker 1 (01:23:04):
That is a really cool activity. That's probably the best
one that I've heard of, because I've done some like
more simple ones that have been done with me.

Speaker 3 (01:23:12):
You have to try this, yeah before she sees this, Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:23:16):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:23:16):
I shows you also how honest a person was on
your interview or whatever, because they can tell you their story.
But this is subconscious answers.

Speaker 2 (01:23:23):
Yeah, I had no idea.

Speaker 1 (01:23:24):
I mean, you know, I've genuinely never done that before,
and actually like I didn't. Also, what I love about
it is you don't know what you're being asked about. Yeah,
so I had no idea that horse was rathery or
the kids. It's brilliant. It's really good man.

Speaker 4 (01:23:36):
Thank you.

Speaker 3 (01:23:36):
Do we do the Evy talks one, the random card
you have it? And so this we just released this.

Speaker 2 (01:23:42):
Oh yeah, I love this. Let's do it, man.

Speaker 3 (01:23:44):
Okay, let me just get a bunch and we'll just
do one.

Speaker 1 (01:23:48):
Yeah, okay, you're gonna get me a pick one.

Speaker 2 (01:23:52):
Wow, there's a dice as well.

Speaker 3 (01:23:54):
Yeah, we'll use this thum mix. Yeah, this is cool man,
all right, I'm just us the one. The question is
do you think of yourself as an optimist or a pessimist?
Throw this and you have to answer accordingly.

Speaker 1 (01:24:08):
Throw it all right, okay, right, but not far away anyway.

Speaker 3 (01:24:12):
We'll read it. Story.

Speaker 4 (01:24:15):
Oh okay, cool.

Speaker 1 (01:24:17):
Oh wow, that's a great addition. Man, I've not seen
we worked on this for nearly two years. I've not
seen anyone do that. That's genius, that's brilliant.

Speaker 2 (01:24:24):
That is the best.

Speaker 1 (01:24:25):
Okay, guys, you will have to get this box of
cards because that is the best one I've seen. I've
done cards, but that is that's a beautiful little.

Speaker 3 (01:24:32):
Pessimist or optimist and story for them.

Speaker 1 (01:24:35):
Yeah, I know which one it is, but I'm trying
to find the story, so.

Speaker 2 (01:24:41):
I'd say overall optimist.

Speaker 1 (01:24:45):
And the story is when Radi and I got married,
I made a commitment to her, and I promise to
her that we would live within one mile radius from
her parents' home. And I was happy to commit to that,
and I was optimistic about it and I was looking
forward to it.

Speaker 2 (01:25:01):
Our friends live in that area and we like the area.

Speaker 1 (01:25:04):
And then two weeks after we got married, I got
an opportunity to move to New York. And when I
told her about it, it was heartbreaking for her because she's
so close to her family and she wanted to be
close to her parents. But I was so optimistic about
the move. So in twenty sixteen, I changed job three times,
I got married, and I moved country all in one year.

(01:25:28):
And they say that those are three of the most
crazy things to do in life. And the only one
that we didn't add was have a baby that year.
But those are considered to be like three of the
most difficult things to do in a year, like change jobs,
change country, and get married. We did it all within
three months, and I was optimistic.

Speaker 2 (01:25:46):
That I would be okay. Like I was like, Yeah,
this is going to work.

Speaker 1 (01:25:48):
Out, this is fine, but it's a lot of like
it's very demanding. Like the reality is that I was
very optimistic, but it's extremely demanding. So you have to
be that optimistic about it because it's hard. It's much
harder than it looks. It's much harder than I thought
it was. But I'm an optimist.

Speaker 3 (01:26:04):
What are you afraid of?

Speaker 1 (01:26:06):
I think my honest fear for a long time has
been not reaching my potential. And that's what's spurred me
on so much, is that I never wanted to live
a life. I felt like I got given a lot
of gifts and a lot of beautiful mentors, teachers, guides
in my life, and my fear would be that I

(01:26:27):
don't not that I don't live up to what they
want because they don't have any pressure, but that I
don't feel like I lived up to that potential. But
a deeper answer that's coming to me right now as
I'm sitting with you, is that the thing I'd say
the fear I work on the most. I'd like to
give that answer if that helps, because I'm always working

(01:26:48):
on my fears because it feels manageable and a healthy
thing to do. The fear I work on the most
is getting ready to be able to free myself one
day for when all of this goes away, that I'll
be able to peacefully let it go, that I'll be

(01:27:09):
able to happily step back and realize that it was
a beautiful blessing and a beautiful journey, and that I
did my part. But then now it's okay to let
it go. It's okay to be insignificant, it's okay to
be irrelevant, it's okay to be.

Speaker 2 (01:27:24):
Forgotten.

Speaker 1 (01:27:24):
That's okay, it's okay, and to allow yourself that piece
that at the time of death when it comes, that
you did your part and you tapped out, and that
life was about so much more than just this that
seems all consuming and all central at this point, but
my relationship with God and my relationship with the universe,

(01:27:46):
my service to humanity was always what it was about,
and it didn't matter what it looked like and how
it sounded and what it felt like. It was just
that I did my part and that I left peacefully.
I think being able to be prepared for that is
the fear I work on the moment.

Speaker 3 (01:28:01):
It's one of the best answers I've got. If you
were on your deathbed, hopefully after a long fulfilling life,
and you're surrounded with loved ones, people you can imagine
now that you want them around you, and you had
the blessing of saying a few words before you die,
what do you think you'd say?

Speaker 1 (01:28:21):
I would say, don't cry for me, don't cry for
losing me, but cry for the people that are in
pain right now, who are still alive, And find a
way in your life and in your heart positively impact

(01:28:41):
just one person. Take your time to extend your life
beyond your family and friends, to one person out there
who may need your love the most right now. Someone
you may not even know, someone you may have never met,
someone who's a stranger. If you could just to extend yourself,
extend that love you feel for me now, extend that
love to them. I'm good, I don't need it. Extend

(01:29:03):
that love to just one other person. If you can
extend your love to and express your love to one
person apart from me, with the same love you feel
for me, that would be the greatest gift of your
love for me.

Speaker 3 (01:29:18):
And hypothetically, if I could take your heart and place
it in front of you. What do you think your
heart will tell you.

Speaker 2 (01:29:27):
At that time?

Speaker 4 (01:29:28):
No?

Speaker 1 (01:29:28):
Oh, now, just keep speaking your truth. Some people will
like it, some people will hate it. Some people will
understand you, some people will judge you. Just keep speaking
your truth because that's all you have anyway.

Speaker 3 (01:29:47):
What is something you need more than anything at the
stage in your life?

Speaker 4 (01:29:51):
What I need most of my life right now is
to trust myself, just like I trust myself even years
ago when I started this journey that I don't know
the part ahead, but we'll figure it out.

Speaker 3 (01:30:07):
Last one Jay in one word, purpose, thanks.

Speaker 4 (01:30:13):
Thank you good.

Speaker 2 (01:30:17):
I enjoyed this. I loved it.

Speaker 3 (01:30:18):
I have I have a fun one gone. If you
could choose three people on a dinner table or alive,
and they all speak the same language, who would you choose?
Because I know you met a lot of people in
your life, and someday maybe you never met, But would
you love me?

Speaker 1 (01:30:33):
So everyone everyone I admire is dead and so so
who was on there to be?

Speaker 2 (01:30:37):
Steve Jobs.

Speaker 1 (01:30:40):
I've studied Steve Jobs his life for years and I
find him fascinating.

Speaker 4 (01:30:45):
And he was very spiritual too.

Speaker 1 (01:30:47):
He spent a lot of time with monks in India,
and so I have a lot of fascination because he
has this incredible east west paradigm and dynamic.

Speaker 4 (01:30:55):
In his life.

Speaker 1 (01:30:56):
And so Steve Jobs would be at that table. I'd
say Nicola Tesla, like Tesla himself, because I think that
there's very few people again, so you'll notice all the
people I'm picking, they had east and west like they
were able to see like he was able to see science,
but then there was he had a belief in something
beyond science, and that that's what fascinates me is people

(01:31:19):
who were able to find these synergies in things that
we often see as black and white or opposites. But
the paradox is the contrast you talked about earlier. So
Steve Jobs, Tesla, and yeah, I would say I would
have to add Martin Luther King because I don't know
anyone who like built like you know when you talk

(01:31:42):
about these people, what they built like shattered so many.

Speaker 2 (01:31:48):
Generations of thought.

Speaker 1 (01:31:50):
And so I think what I'm trying to do in
the world is and what we're trying to do, both
of us are trying to do in the world, is
we're trying to shatter so many myths and misconceptions that
exist in the world around people, around ideas, around culture
and society. And I don't think I can't think of
anyone better than Martin Luther King who did it in
such a prolific way and emphatic way that you know,

(01:32:14):
has made such a difference long lasting and broke down
something that was so longstanding.

Speaker 4 (01:32:20):
So I agree, yeah, those three people.

Speaker 3 (01:32:23):
You know what's funny, while we were doing the interview,
we sometimes move similarly, really, like when you're thinking and
I'm thinking, I can see we do this. Really I
always do it. Yeah, sometimes you.

Speaker 1 (01:32:40):
Do this and do That's so funny, man, that's so funny.

Speaker 4 (01:32:45):
I love that.

Speaker 1 (01:32:45):
Now, dude, you are phenomenal at what you do, honestly, like,
you are so good at what you do, easily easily
the best thing to be done in a long, long time.
And it's because of you as in and also the
stillness and the presence I fell in this room is
really special. So I was so present because the environment

(01:33:08):
you guys have all created and the energy that you
guys have created.

Speaker 3 (01:33:12):
You don't see them not moved there.

Speaker 2 (01:33:14):
It's real, not even.

Speaker 1 (01:33:15):
Cough, but I mean, it's incredible in here. So thank you,
Thank you man. Honestly, I mean that from the bottom
of my life change.

Speaker 3 (01:33:22):
I think it takes two to tango. Also, I could
be a very good interview about if I'm not dancing,
hopefully I really get it too looking easily talk for us.

Speaker 1 (01:33:40):
Have you ever had a friend get really into something
and then try to get you into it too, like
doing a detox, going minimalist, or taking up CrossFit. Maybe
you even got sight and said, yes, I'm totally doing that,
But when it came down to it, you never did

(01:34:01):
give up coffee, get rid of half of your stuff,
or learn how to do a muscle up. Well, if
you felt bad that you didn't follow through, don't worry.
The problem wasn't with you, It was with your why.
The next seven minutes are about your goals and how
to line them up with what really matters.

Speaker 2 (01:34:24):
I'm Jay Shaddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay.

Speaker 1 (01:34:29):
Before we dig into our goals, let's pause and get
centered with three deep breaths. So take a deep breath
in and let it out, flowing in and flowing out,

(01:34:54):
gathering up your attention and landing in this moment. Now,
let's dive in a few years ago, a team of
psychologists wanted to study what makes people accomplish some of
their goals but not others. They are subjects to list

(01:35:18):
a few personal objectives they were trying to accomplish. The
participants said things like payoff debt, lose twenty pounds, and
clean out my closets. The researchers had them rate how
they were faring and then answer a pretty unusual question,
did trying to achieve each outcome make them feel more

(01:35:42):
or less connected to their true self. The participants were
also asked to indicate how much they believed that accomplishing
those goals would make other people like or respect them.
In the end, the researchers found that when our goals
align with what's truly important to us, we're more likely

(01:36:06):
to achieve them. But when our motivation is to make
others happy or to look good, the odds are against
us doing what we set out to do. Whether it's
from parents, friends, or even just culture at large, it's
easy to feel buried under a mountain of shoulds. For one,

(01:36:27):
people are often quick to offer us advice, or we
see what others are doing and automatically think we must
do the same. Either way, it's easy to internalize those
shoulds and make them our goals. I should do yoga,
I should start a company, I should travel more. Those

(01:36:49):
objectives may be positive, but if they don't align with
our values or what we want for our lives, we're
less likely to accomplish them, and that can derail our confidence,
sap our drive, or distract us from what we really want.
Maybe you came across an article that outlined how every

(01:37:10):
successful person reads at least twenty books a year, and
you say, I'm gonna do that, But two months in
you're only halfway through book one. Then the criticism starts.
Why can't I just do this? You think, what's wrong
with me? But the issue is an aptitude or even attitude,

(01:37:34):
it's alignment. The goal was never truly meaningful to you.
Of course, it's totally fine to get external inspiration. Sometimes
what someone else is doing can clue us into our
own passions and desires. But you might find yourself pursuing
something only because you feel like it will increase your

(01:37:57):
status or help you fit in, or perhaps you think
it's what you're supposed to do. If that's the case,
chances are it's going to be an uphill climb, and
if you do make it up the hill, you may
not feel as excited or fulfilled as you'd imagined. So
as much as possible, try to set goals that appeal

(01:38:21):
to your authentic self. Line up what you want with
who you are. And now, with our time today winding down,
let's turn to a short meditation before reflecting on your goals.
So get comfortable wherever you are, tuning in to the

(01:38:43):
present and leaning into ease, letting go of distractions, judgments,
or expectations as you give yourself permission to pause and
simply be here in this moment, continuing to settle your mind,

(01:39:12):
continuing to settle your body, continuing to embrace your experience
of the present. Now, begin to become a little more
aware of your experience, aware of how you're feeling physically, emotionally, mentally,

(01:39:45):
aware of any thoughts that may be popping up, or
aware of the quiet in your mind. Whatever your experience,
see if you can observe it with clarity and non judgment,

(01:40:07):
while always orienting yourself toward ease. When we check in
like this, we start to grow more aware of ourselves
and any forces that are pushing or pulling us hopefully,

(01:40:32):
ultimately we can take back some of the control. Now,
let's open this up. Bring to mind a current goal
of yours. Is that objective aligned with your authentic self?

(01:40:57):
Is it something that really matters to you, or is
it asshured you've internalized from the outside world. Going forward,
can you make sure your aspirations come from you instead

(01:41:18):
of others. Thank you so much for being here today.
I hope to see you back again tomorrow.

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Episode Transcript

Host

Jay Shetty

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