Do you still think about your ex a lot?
What’s been the hardest part of moving on?
Today, Jay shares a heartfelt and practical guide for anyone moving through heartbreak. He explains that the pain of a breakup often comes from more than just losing someone, but it’s grieving the life we imagined with them and the version of ourselves we felt when we were loved.
Jay walks through seven clear steps to help listeners begin their healing journey. From gaining clarity to quieting the overthinking spiral and finding your own closure, he offers real, actionable tools to help you move forward. Jay reminds listeners that you’re not missing them, you’re missing the idea of them. And that pain doesn’t mean the relationship was meant to be, it means you cared.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Stop Romanticizing the Past
How to Stop Blaming Yourself
How to Rebuild After a Breakup
How to Trust Yourself Again
How to Know It Wasn’t Love
Healing is possible even if it doesn't feel like it right now. It’s not about getting back to who you were before, it’s about becoming someone stronger, wiser, and more self-aware.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
00:53 Are You Heartbroken?
03:18 Step #1: Let Go of the Fantasy You Created
07:08 The Three Most Important Things in a Relationship
08:45 Step #2: Stop the Obsession Spiral
13:39 Step #3: Kill the Narrative that It Was Your Fault
17:28 Step #4: Find Closure On Your Own Terms
19:42 Step #5: Feeling Pain Doesn't Mean It Was Meant to Be
21:37 Step #6: Redirect Your Energy
22:18 Step #7: Stop Waiting to Feel Ready
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Stop ignoring red flags. You ignored the red flags because
being chosen felt better than being alone. You ignored the
red flags because your timeline like the photos. You ignored
the red flags because you thought love was supposed to hurt.
The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Setty Jay Shetty.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Jet.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. It's great to
have you back here. Make sure you've subscribed so you
never miss an episode. I'm so glad that this year
we started to film these solo episodes and it's been
incredible to see your engagement on them. Make sure you
leave your comment, leave any questions you have. I'm always
sifting through, and make sure you passed this video one
(00:49):
to a friend or family member who may be struggling now.
In the last week, I've had calls from three different
people who were all broken up with and each and
every single one of them is completely heartbroken. Every single
one of them is said to me, they didn't see
this coming. Every single one of them is said to me,
(01:11):
they think it's their fault. And every single one of
them is saying to me they wish it would work out,
They wish it could be good again, they wish they
could be with this person again. And it's so heartbreaking
to see how when someone breaks up with us, we
immediately blame ourselves. We ignore red flags, we lose our
(01:34):
self awareness because we're not only taking responsibility for the
failure of the relationship, we're also taking all the accountability.
So what I wanted to create for you in this
video was a NOBS direct, clear talking approach to what
to do if you're going through a breakup. I think
(01:57):
breakups can be the most difficult thing in the world,
and if you've just been through one right now, the
reason why it's so painful is it affects your confidence,
It affects your future, It affects your self worth, and
it affects your loneliness and connection. It affects you on
the deepest emotional, spiritual level because it challenges you and
(02:20):
your worth to your very core. So if you know
someone going through this, passed us along to them, and
if you're someone who's going through it, make notes and
listen carefully. One of the things people don't realize about
a breakup is that you're actually going through grief. You're
going through grief of what you thought you'd have with
(02:40):
this person. You're going through the grief of who you
thought this person was. You're going through the grief of
who you were with this person. There is a lot
of grief wrapped up into a breakup. And here's the
first step. We need to learn to grieve without the
fair detail filter. A lot of us we grieve with
(03:04):
the fairy tale filter. We grieve what they promised us.
We grieve what we wished we'd have with them. We
grieve the potential, the dream state we created in our
minds with this person. And therefore, the first step is
stop idealizing what it wasn't. Your brain is wired to
(03:26):
romanticize the past, especially after rejection. It's called rosy retrospection
Gilbert and Wilson, two thousand. Rosy retrospection is this nostalgia
that we all have, all the good old days, all
that beautiful first date, oh that one anniversary, all that
(03:48):
one birthday. Your mind creates this rosy retrospection about these
simple moments that maybe you haven't thought about but all
of a sudden come fl back. But here's the truth.
You're not missing them. You're missing the version of them
you hoped existed. You're not missing them, you're missing the
(04:12):
future they promised you. You're not missing them. You're missing
who you thought they could become. You're not missing them,
You're missing how you felt when you believed it was real.
You're not missing them, You're missing the version of you
that existed when you thought they loved you. You're not
(04:33):
missing them, You're missing the story you were writing in
your head. You're not missing them. You're missing the moments
that made you forget the truth. Remember, you're not missing them.
You're missing the comfort of certainty, even if it was fake.
You're not missing them, You're missing the illusion that they
(04:55):
were right for you. And this is so painful to acknowledge,
which is why we push it off. It's why we
avoid it. We never want to accept that we have
been sold a promise world. The majority of people that
I've spoken to that were broken up with were more
in love with the promise the person gave them than
(05:19):
the reality they experienced. They were more in love with
the dream that they wished for than the reality they experienced.
They were more inspired by the potential of that person
than the reality of that person. We all focus on
the promise, the dream, and the potential more than the reality.
(05:44):
The clarity and the truth. We have to come back
down to earth. The quicker you can be honest with yourself,
the quicker you can heal. I'm not saying speed is important,
but if you're someone who wants to move forward, it
will take that approach. Here's what I want you to do.
(06:08):
Write down what actually happened, what they actually did, and
what they didn't do as well. See it clearly no
edits no fantasy, just facts. Clarity is closure you give
yourself and you can only do that with facts, not fantasy.
(06:30):
Most people, when I asked them, how is the relationship,
They'll say, you know, we were going to move in together.
You know, we were gonna get a dog together. You
know what we were gonna we were gonna, you know,
get married, Like that's what we And I was like, yes,
but what was the relationship? Like, No, it's the difference, right,
that's not the relationship. That's what you hoped was going
(06:51):
to happen in the future. What was the relationship, like, well,
we pretty much argued every couple of weeks. I always
felt distant, you know, over the last few months, I
kind of just felt like we weren't connecting. Oh, so
that's what the relationship was like, so you don't miss
that because that sounds uncomfortable. The three most important things
in a romantic relationship are this to feel safe, to
(07:17):
feel seen, and to feel supported. If you don't feel safe,
you don't have a foundation. When you walk into a building,
when you walk into a home, when you're even walking
down a street. The first thing you think about is safety.
You don't want to hurt yourself. When you enter a
new relationship, ask yourself, does this person make me feel safe?
(07:41):
Do I feel that they're reliable? Do I feel like
they make me feel safe? Secure? The second is do
they make me feel seen? Are they present? Are they listening?
Are they curious about me? Do I feel seen when
I'm with them for who I am? Or do I
(08:01):
feel forced to project another version of myself? And the
third is do I feel supported? Do I feel supported
in my goals? Do I feel supported in my search?
And am I willing to do all three for them?
When I speak to people going through a breakup and
I ask them what their relationship was really like, more
(08:22):
often than not, most people feel two out of the
three were not happening. People didn't feel safe, and they
didn't feel seen even if they felt supported. They didn't
feel seen or supported even though they say they feel safe.
Look at the facts, not the fiction. Focus on the facts,
(08:43):
not the fantasy. Step number two is interrupt the obsession loop.
When you speak to someone who's gone through a breakup,
they need to talk about the same thing multiple times.
That's normal, by the way, that's how our mind processes.
Sometimes we need to say the same thing in the
same way, and someone else is thinking, what is going
(09:06):
on here? But our brain is almost washing it right.
Think about it like a washing machine. A piece of
clothing doesn't just go in the washing machine once and
come out clean. The washing machine has to roll again
and again and again and tumble again and again and
again to get the dirt out. That's kind of how
our brain works. That's how our mind functions. We have
to continue to wash a thought to rinse it of
(09:29):
the dirt and for it to be clean. So if
you're repeating your thoughts again and again and again out loud,
I promise you you haven't gone crazy. I promise you
you haven't gone mad. It is the cleansing, detoxing process.
But at some point we have to interrupt the obsession loop,
(09:51):
because what happens, just as with an item of clothing,
after forty minutes, it has to come out of the
washing machine. If it stays in there for a another round,
it may get stuck in there, it may start to
lose the quality of the material, it may start to
stretch right. It's not ideal for it to stay in
that process. So there is a moment where we have
(10:13):
to interrupt that obsession loop. How do you know to
do that? It's not a timing. You can't say that's
gonna happen in one month. You can't say I'm going
to do it after one week. You're going to know
if you're present with the repetitive thoughts. At one point,
you're going to say I need to move on. If
you've practiced number one, you'll know when to do number two.
(10:34):
Remember you're not weak for not moving on, you're chemically hooked.
Breakups trigger the same brain regions as drug withdrawal. Every
time you stalk their feed, replay a memory, or wonder
what you did wrong, you strengthen the loop. Stop looking
(10:54):
at your ex's social media. They're not your future. Stop
checking who they're with. It won't help you. Heal. Stop
watching their stories like they'll suddenly make sense. Stop searching
for signs they miss you. They don't post about their grief.
Stop waiting for closure from someone who walked away without it,
(11:20):
and stop decoding their captions even if you think they're
written for you. Stop giving your peace to someone who
already chose to lose it, and stop stalking their life
like they're still in yours. Break the cycle, block, mute, delete.
(11:43):
So many of us don't break the loop because we
stay obsessed and focused on that person's feed. You're looking
at who they're with. You might even see them with someone,
and all of a sudden, your mind goes crazy. Maybe
they're dating, maybe they're with someone else, maybe they moved
on quickly, And all of a sudden, you're messaging your friends,
(12:04):
going did you see this? Can you find out for me?
What are you doing? You're strengthening the obsession loop. Now
you're creating new stories. Right now, you're creating new pain
for yourself because you're exacerbating the problem. You're now getting
involved in future pain, because you're involved in future stories
that you're not a part of. Up until now, you
(12:27):
are just dealing with what you went through with them.
Now they're still in your life even though they're not,
which means they can cause you even more pain from
afar because you can never check anything with them. You
will never know how they felt or what they were
going through. Remove triggers, playlists, photos, even sense, all of
(12:47):
the sense they're clothing, the photos, the places you hung
out have to be off bounds because what happens is
we have a chemical connection to all of those things.
There's a mental emotional memory in all of those places,
which keeps us stuck in the obsession loop. We have
(13:07):
to learn to change our chemical connection. So what we're
going to do is we're going to replace that rumination
with a new routine. Moving your body, engaging your mind
in new ways changes the chemicals. Don't wait to feel better,
break the loop to get better. We're waiting to feel better.
(13:28):
We're waiting for them to make us feel better. We're
waiting for our friends to make us feel better. But
the only thing that can get you better is breaking
the obsession loop. Step number three is killed the narrative
that it was all your fault. When there's no closure,
the brain creates one, and it usually turns against you.
(13:52):
It's called negativity bias. Your mind will fill in the
blanks with worst case self blame. The biggest mistake you'll
make after a breakup is you'll blame everything on yourself.
You keep replaying the moments you wish you said something different.
(14:12):
You keep thinking about all the things you got wrong
and they got right. You keep thinking about all the
moments you didn't show up and they did. All you
can do is obsess over every time you said something
wrong and they said something right. The biggest mistake you'll
(14:35):
make is you'll keep replaying every time you could have
done something differently and they acted perfectly. That is a
mistake because you're not giving yourself grace, and you're taking
accountability and responsibility for something that existed between two people,
(14:57):
but you're making it all about you. Don't make something
you shared all about you unless you're willing to also
look at their challenges, their flaws, and their mistakes. Don't
get lost amplifying yours. Because here's the truth. Relationships don't
end because of one thing. They end because of many things.
(15:23):
Mismatch timing, misaligned values, misaligned character. This is how to
process a breakup. Write this down and say it until
it sticks. I can take responsibility without taking all the blame.
Because here's what I realized. When I really start to
(15:44):
talk to people and coach people, they start to share
all the red flags. They start to notice all the
mistakes of the other person. They start to notice how
their inturition. New people always ask me, how do I
learn to trust other people? The truth is, learn to
trust yourself. You'll never know whether you can trust someone
(16:08):
or not. But if you trust yourself, you'll know when
to stay and when to leave, because you'll know what
behavior you'll allow and what behavior you won't. The challenge is,
and you know this. You ignored the red flags because
you didn't want to start over. Stop ignoring red flags.
(16:32):
You ignore the red flags because being chosen felt better
than being alone. You ignored the red flags because they
said all the right things, just never did them. You
ignored the red flags because your timeline like the photos.
You ignore the red flags because they had potential and
(16:55):
you fell in love with that. You ignored the red
flags because they apologized just enough. You ignored the red
flags because you were afraid this might be your only shot.
You ignored the red flags because you thought love was
supposed to hurt. All of us ignore red flags because
(17:20):
we're trying to trust the other person, not realizing we
should focus on trusting ourself. Step number four, close the
loop with your own ritual. Waiting for them to give
you peace is giving away your power. Waiting for them
to give you closure is leaving you unclear. Waiting for
(17:45):
them to fix you is leaving you broken. Waiting for
them to help you is leaving you unhealed. Create a
closure ritual, something symbolic that tells your nerve system. This
chapter ends here, and you can try write them a letter,
(18:08):
don't send it and burn it. You can bury a photo,
delete the last message thread, then go for a walk
with no phone. Closure isn't given, it's created. They won't
give you closure. You have to give that to yourself.
(18:28):
They won't rebuild your confidence. You have to do that
from the ground up. They won't explain why they changed.
You have to stop needing the answer. They won't make
you whole because you were never incomplete in the first place.
They won't own the mess they made. You just have
(18:50):
to stop standing in it. They won't meet you where
you are. You just have to keep walking. A ritual
could be a new command than to yourself. A ritual
could be a new commitment to a friend. A ritual
is something that is changing your chemistry, changing your emotional space,
(19:11):
by adding something new to your life. What's happening is
you're missing an old emotion and your body and mind
are dragging you to one that person back in your life.
We often think we need a new person to replace
an old person, but what we actually need is a
new emotion, a new experience, a new connection to replace
(19:36):
the old experience, a new set of chemicals, a new
set of movement. Step number five, Understand that pain doesn't
mean you're meant to be. Just because you feel pain
from a breakup doesn't mean you're meant to be. Just
because you think you miss that person doesn't mean you're
(19:59):
meant to be. Just because you think that they'll come
back around doesn't mean they will. And while you're waiting,
you don't grow, You don't become more attractive, you don't
become the person you want to be. You hurting doesn't
mean they were your soulmate. It means you felt deeply.
(20:23):
It means you have the capacity for love. It means
you have the ability to give, and you're human pain
isn't proof it was right. It's proof that you cared.
Studies show emotional pain activates the same brain regions as
physical injury. Think about this. I read one study that
(20:46):
said that when you feel left out of the group chat,
it feels like you broke your leg. Right, there's a
physical pain felt from an emotional discomfort. So when you're
going through a breakup, it's going to feel like a
punch in the gut. It's going to feel like someone
ripped your heart out of your chest and broke it
(21:07):
into pieces. It feels like physical pain. So if you're
feeling that, that's natural. But here's what you need to remember.
Just because it hurts doesn't mean it was right. Remember
what I said earlier. Love isn't about what feels the
most exciting. It's about the person that makes you feel safe,
(21:29):
seen and supported. Someone breaking your heart open, ripping it
out of your chest is not safe seen or supported.
Step number six, redirect the energy ruthlessly. Heartbreak gives you
access to a fire most people never touch. Use it,
channel it, move with it, Redesign your space, take a course,
(21:54):
start lifting weights. Get a new passion right like your
life depends on it. Psychologist Dr Jordan Peterson calls this
productive aggression. Instead of turning it inward, transmute it. Breakdowns
make incredible fuel when you don't waste them on breaking down.
(22:14):
You use the breakdown for a breakthrough. And finally, step
number seven, stop waiting to feel ready. You're not just
getting over them, you're rebuilding you. After a breakup, your
brain experiences an identity gap. You don't lose the person
(22:36):
you lose who you were with them. You don't lose
the person you lose who you wish you could be
with them. You don't lose the person you wish the
future you you thought about that you'd be with them.
So here's your job. Pick one thing that's yours. One
(23:00):
thing they did an influence, one version of you you
want to grow into and start acting from that place. Now,
not next month, not when you're healed. Now. If you're
going through a breakup, remember this. You're not trying to
get back to who you were before them. You're becoming
(23:23):
someone who they never got to meet. You didn't get closure,
So give yourself something better and new. Start Take everything
you learned. You don't need a blank slate, You actually
want a slate filled with wisdom, not because they moved on,
but because you decided, so will you. I empathize with
(23:46):
anyone going through this in their life right now. I
create these videos and these podcast episodes in order to
serve and support you and help you. I really hope
that this can be your guiding light. We have so
much more content dedicated to this on the podcast on
my YouTube channel. Make sure you search Jay Sheddy break
Up Advice and find all the content you need. I
(24:09):
also have some of the greatest experts in this space
on the podcast, and I hope that they will guide
you through this too. Thank you for trusting me, Thanks
for being here, and I'll see you soon, remember and
forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this episode, you're going to love my
conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
ex and find true love in your relationships.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion
to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to
your future self is doing something that gives him or
her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.
Stop ignoring red flags. You ignored the red flags because
being chosen felt better than being alone. You ignored the
red flags because your timeline like the photos. You ignored
the red flags because you thought love was supposed to hurt.
The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Setty Jay Shetty.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Jet.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. It's great to
have you back here. Make sure you've subscribed so you
never miss an episode. I'm so glad that this year
we started to film these solo episodes and it's been
incredible to see your engagement on them. Make sure you
leave your comment, leave any questions you have. I'm always
sifting through, and make sure you passed this video one
(00:49):
to a friend or family member who may be struggling now.
In the last week, I've had calls from three different
people who were all broken up with and each and
every single one of them is completely heartbroken. Every single
one of them is said to me, they didn't see
this coming. Every single one of them is said to me,
(01:11):
they think it's their fault. And every single one of
them is saying to me they wish it would work out,
They wish it could be good again, they wish they
could be with this person again. And it's so heartbreaking
to see how when someone breaks up with us, we
immediately blame ourselves. We ignore red flags, we lose our
(01:34):
self awareness because we're not only taking responsibility for the
failure of the relationship, we're also taking all the accountability.
So what I wanted to create for you in this
video was a NOBS direct, clear talking approach to what
to do if you're going through a breakup. I think
(01:57):
breakups can be the most difficult thing in the world,
and if you've just been through one right now, the
reason why it's so painful is it affects your confidence,
It affects your future, It affects your self worth, and
it affects your loneliness and connection. It affects you on
the deepest emotional, spiritual level because it challenges you and
(02:20):
your worth to your very core. So if you know
someone going through this, passed us along to them, and
if you're someone who's going through it, make notes and
listen carefully. One of the things people don't realize about
a breakup is that you're actually going through grief. You're
going through grief of what you thought you'd have with
(02:40):
this person. You're going through the grief of who you
thought this person was. You're going through the grief of
who you were with this person. There is a lot
of grief wrapped up into a breakup. And here's the
first step. We need to learn to grieve without the
fair detail filter. A lot of us we grieve with
(03:04):
the fairy tale filter. We grieve what they promised us.
We grieve what we wished we'd have with them. We
grieve the potential, the dream state we created in our
minds with this person. And therefore, the first step is
stop idealizing what it wasn't. Your brain is wired to
(03:26):
romanticize the past, especially after rejection. It's called rosy retrospection
Gilbert and Wilson, two thousand. Rosy retrospection is this nostalgia
that we all have, all the good old days, all
that beautiful first date, oh that one anniversary, all that
(03:48):
one birthday. Your mind creates this rosy retrospection about these
simple moments that maybe you haven't thought about but all
of a sudden come fl back. But here's the truth.
You're not missing them. You're missing the version of them
you hoped existed. You're not missing them, you're missing the
(04:12):
future they promised you. You're not missing them. You're missing
who you thought they could become. You're not missing them,
You're missing how you felt when you believed it was real.
You're not missing them, You're missing the version of you
that existed when you thought they loved you. You're not
(04:33):
missing them, You're missing the story you were writing in
your head. You're not missing them. You're missing the moments
that made you forget the truth. Remember, you're not missing them.
You're missing the comfort of certainty, even if it was fake.
You're not missing them, You're missing the illusion that they
(04:55):
were right for you. And this is so painful to acknowledge,
which is why we push it off. It's why we
avoid it. We never want to accept that we have
been sold a promise world. The majority of people that
I've spoken to that were broken up with were more
in love with the promise the person gave them than
(05:19):
the reality they experienced. They were more in love with
the dream that they wished for than the reality they experienced.
They were more inspired by the potential of that person
than the reality of that person. We all focus on
the promise, the dream, and the potential more than the reality.
(05:44):
The clarity and the truth. We have to come back
down to earth. The quicker you can be honest with yourself,
the quicker you can heal. I'm not saying speed is important,
but if you're someone who wants to move forward, it
will take that approach. Here's what I want you to do.
(06:08):
Write down what actually happened, what they actually did, and
what they didn't do as well. See it clearly no
edits no fantasy, just facts. Clarity is closure you give
yourself and you can only do that with facts, not fantasy.
(06:30):
Most people, when I asked them, how is the relationship,
They'll say, you know, we were going to move in together.
You know, we were gonna get a dog together. You
know what we were gonna we were gonna, you know,
get married, Like that's what we And I was like, yes,
but what was the relationship? Like, No, it's the difference, right,
that's not the relationship. That's what you hoped was going
(06:51):
to happen in the future. What was the relationship, like, well,
we pretty much argued every couple of weeks. I always
felt distant, you know, over the last few months, I
kind of just felt like we weren't connecting. Oh, so
that's what the relationship was like, so you don't miss
that because that sounds uncomfortable. The three most important things
in a romantic relationship are this to feel safe, to
(07:17):
feel seen, and to feel supported. If you don't feel safe,
you don't have a foundation. When you walk into a building,
when you walk into a home, when you're even walking
down a street. The first thing you think about is safety.
You don't want to hurt yourself. When you enter a
new relationship, ask yourself, does this person make me feel safe?
(07:41):
Do I feel that they're reliable? Do I feel like
they make me feel safe? Secure? The second is do
they make me feel seen? Are they present? Are they listening?
Are they curious about me? Do I feel seen when
I'm with them for who I am? Or do I
(08:01):
feel forced to project another version of myself? And the
third is do I feel supported? Do I feel supported
in my goals? Do I feel supported in my search?
And am I willing to do all three for them?
When I speak to people going through a breakup and
I ask them what their relationship was really like, more
(08:22):
often than not, most people feel two out of the
three were not happening. People didn't feel safe, and they
didn't feel seen even if they felt supported. They didn't
feel seen or supported even though they say they feel safe.
Look at the facts, not the fiction. Focus on the facts,
(08:43):
not the fantasy. Step number two is interrupt the obsession loop.
When you speak to someone who's gone through a breakup,
they need to talk about the same thing multiple times.
That's normal, by the way, that's how our mind processes.
Sometimes we need to say the same thing in the
same way, and someone else is thinking, what is going
(09:06):
on here? But our brain is almost washing it right.
Think about it like a washing machine. A piece of
clothing doesn't just go in the washing machine once and
come out clean. The washing machine has to roll again
and again and again and tumble again and again and
again to get the dirt out. That's kind of how
our brain works. That's how our mind functions. We have
to continue to wash a thought to rinse it of
(09:29):
the dirt and for it to be clean. So if
you're repeating your thoughts again and again and again out loud,
I promise you you haven't gone crazy. I promise you
you haven't gone mad. It is the cleansing, detoxing process.
But at some point we have to interrupt the obsession loop,
(09:51):
because what happens, just as with an item of clothing,
after forty minutes, it has to come out of the
washing machine. If it stays in there for a another round,
it may get stuck in there, it may start to
lose the quality of the material, it may start to
stretch right. It's not ideal for it to stay in
that process. So there is a moment where we have
(10:13):
to interrupt that obsession loop. How do you know to
do that? It's not a timing. You can't say that's
gonna happen in one month. You can't say I'm going
to do it after one week. You're going to know
if you're present with the repetitive thoughts. At one point,
you're going to say I need to move on. If
you've practiced number one, you'll know when to do number two.
(10:34):
Remember you're not weak for not moving on, you're chemically hooked.
Breakups trigger the same brain regions as drug withdrawal. Every
time you stalk their feed, replay a memory, or wonder
what you did wrong, you strengthen the loop. Stop looking
(10:54):
at your ex's social media. They're not your future. Stop
checking who they're with. It won't help you. Heal. Stop
watching their stories like they'll suddenly make sense. Stop searching
for signs they miss you. They don't post about their grief.
Stop waiting for closure from someone who walked away without it,
(11:20):
and stop decoding their captions even if you think they're
written for you. Stop giving your peace to someone who
already chose to lose it, and stop stalking their life
like they're still in yours. Break the cycle, block, mute, delete.
(11:43):
So many of us don't break the loop because we
stay obsessed and focused on that person's feed. You're looking
at who they're with. You might even see them with someone,
and all of a sudden, your mind goes crazy. Maybe
they're dating, maybe they're with someone else, maybe they moved
on quickly, And all of a sudden, you're messaging your friends,
(12:04):
going did you see this? Can you find out for me?
What are you doing? You're strengthening the obsession loop. Now
you're creating new stories. Right now, you're creating new pain
for yourself because you're exacerbating the problem. You're now getting
involved in future pain, because you're involved in future stories
that you're not a part of. Up until now, you
(12:27):
are just dealing with what you went through with them.
Now they're still in your life even though they're not,
which means they can cause you even more pain from
afar because you can never check anything with them. You
will never know how they felt or what they were
going through. Remove triggers, playlists, photos, even sense, all of
(12:47):
the sense they're clothing, the photos, the places you hung
out have to be off bounds because what happens is
we have a chemical connection to all of those things.
There's a mental emotional memory in all of those places,
which keeps us stuck in the obsession loop. We have
(13:07):
to learn to change our chemical connection. So what we're
going to do is we're going to replace that rumination
with a new routine. Moving your body, engaging your mind
in new ways changes the chemicals. Don't wait to feel better,
break the loop to get better. We're waiting to feel better.
(13:28):
We're waiting for them to make us feel better. We're
waiting for our friends to make us feel better. But
the only thing that can get you better is breaking
the obsession loop. Step number three is killed the narrative
that it was all your fault. When there's no closure,
the brain creates one, and it usually turns against you.
(13:52):
It's called negativity bias. Your mind will fill in the
blanks with worst case self blame. The biggest mistake you'll
make after a breakup is you'll blame everything on yourself.
You keep replaying the moments you wish you said something different.
(14:12):
You keep thinking about all the things you got wrong
and they got right. You keep thinking about all the
moments you didn't show up and they did. All you
can do is obsess over every time you said something
wrong and they said something right. The biggest mistake you'll
(14:35):
make is you'll keep replaying every time you could have
done something differently and they acted perfectly. That is a
mistake because you're not giving yourself grace, and you're taking
accountability and responsibility for something that existed between two people,
(14:57):
but you're making it all about you. Don't make something
you shared all about you unless you're willing to also
look at their challenges, their flaws, and their mistakes. Don't
get lost amplifying yours. Because here's the truth. Relationships don't
end because of one thing. They end because of many things.
(15:23):
Mismatch timing, misaligned values, misaligned character. This is how to
process a breakup. Write this down and say it until
it sticks. I can take responsibility without taking all the blame.
Because here's what I realized. When I really start to
(15:44):
talk to people and coach people, they start to share
all the red flags. They start to notice all the
mistakes of the other person. They start to notice how
their inturition. New people always ask me, how do I
learn to trust other people? The truth is, learn to
trust yourself. You'll never know whether you can trust someone
(16:08):
or not. But if you trust yourself, you'll know when
to stay and when to leave, because you'll know what
behavior you'll allow and what behavior you won't. The challenge is,
and you know this. You ignored the red flags because
you didn't want to start over. Stop ignoring red flags.
(16:32):
You ignore the red flags because being chosen felt better
than being alone. You ignored the red flags because they
said all the right things, just never did them. You
ignored the red flags because your timeline like the photos.
You ignore the red flags because they had potential and
(16:55):
you fell in love with that. You ignored the red
flags because they apologized just enough. You ignored the red
flags because you were afraid this might be your only shot.
You ignored the red flags because you thought love was
supposed to hurt. All of us ignore red flags because
(17:20):
we're trying to trust the other person, not realizing we
should focus on trusting ourself. Step number four, close the
loop with your own ritual. Waiting for them to give
you peace is giving away your power. Waiting for them
to give you closure is leaving you unclear. Waiting for
(17:45):
them to fix you is leaving you broken. Waiting for
them to help you is leaving you unhealed. Create a
closure ritual, something symbolic that tells your nerve system. This
chapter ends here, and you can try write them a letter,
(18:08):
don't send it and burn it. You can bury a photo,
delete the last message thread, then go for a walk
with no phone. Closure isn't given, it's created. They won't
give you closure. You have to give that to yourself.
(18:28):
They won't rebuild your confidence. You have to do that
from the ground up. They won't explain why they changed.
You have to stop needing the answer. They won't make
you whole because you were never incomplete in the first place.
They won't own the mess they made. You just have
(18:50):
to stop standing in it. They won't meet you where
you are. You just have to keep walking. A ritual
could be a new command than to yourself. A ritual
could be a new commitment to a friend. A ritual
is something that is changing your chemistry, changing your emotional space,
(19:11):
by adding something new to your life. What's happening is
you're missing an old emotion and your body and mind
are dragging you to one that person back in your life.
We often think we need a new person to replace
an old person, but what we actually need is a
new emotion, a new experience, a new connection to replace
(19:36):
the old experience, a new set of chemicals, a new
set of movement. Step number five, Understand that pain doesn't
mean you're meant to be. Just because you feel pain
from a breakup doesn't mean you're meant to be. Just
because you think you miss that person doesn't mean you're
(19:59):
meant to be. Just because you think that they'll come
back around doesn't mean they will. And while you're waiting,
you don't grow, You don't become more attractive, you don't
become the person you want to be. You hurting doesn't
mean they were your soulmate. It means you felt deeply.
(20:23):
It means you have the capacity for love. It means
you have the ability to give, and you're human pain
isn't proof it was right. It's proof that you cared.
Studies show emotional pain activates the same brain regions as
physical injury. Think about this. I read one study that
(20:46):
said that when you feel left out of the group chat,
it feels like you broke your leg. Right, there's a
physical pain felt from an emotional discomfort. So when you're
going through a breakup, it's going to feel like a
punch in the gut. It's going to feel like someone
ripped your heart out of your chest and broke it
(21:07):
into pieces. It feels like physical pain. So if you're
feeling that, that's natural. But here's what you need to remember.
Just because it hurts doesn't mean it was right. Remember
what I said earlier. Love isn't about what feels the
most exciting. It's about the person that makes you feel safe,
(21:29):
seen and supported. Someone breaking your heart open, ripping it
out of your chest is not safe seen or supported.
Step number six, redirect the energy ruthlessly. Heartbreak gives you
access to a fire most people never touch. Use it,
channel it, move with it, Redesign your space, take a course,
(21:54):
start lifting weights. Get a new passion right like your
life depends on it. Psychologist Dr Jordan Peterson calls this
productive aggression. Instead of turning it inward, transmute it. Breakdowns
make incredible fuel when you don't waste them on breaking down.
(22:14):
You use the breakdown for a breakthrough. And finally, step
number seven, stop waiting to feel ready. You're not just
getting over them, you're rebuilding you. After a breakup, your
brain experiences an identity gap. You don't lose the person
(22:36):
you lose who you were with them. You don't lose
the person you lose who you wish you could be
with them. You don't lose the person you wish the
future you you thought about that you'd be with them.
So here's your job. Pick one thing that's yours. One
(23:00):
thing they did an influence, one version of you you
want to grow into and start acting from that place. Now,
not next month, not when you're healed. Now. If you're
going through a breakup, remember this. You're not trying to
get back to who you were before them. You're becoming
(23:23):
someone who they never got to meet. You didn't get closure,
So give yourself something better and new. Start Take everything
you learned. You don't need a blank slate, You actually
want a slate filled with wisdom, not because they moved on,
but because you decided, so will you. I empathize with
(23:46):
anyone going through this in their life right now. I
create these videos and these podcast episodes in order to
serve and support you and help you. I really hope
that this can be your guiding light. We have so
much more content dedicated to this on the podcast on
my YouTube channel. Make sure you search Jay Sheddy break
Up Advice and find all the content you need. I
(24:09):
also have some of the greatest experts in this space
on the podcast, and I hope that they will guide
you through this too. Thank you for trusting me, Thanks
for being here, and I'll see you soon, remember and
forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this episode, you're going to love my
conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
ex and find true love in your relationships.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion
to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to
your future self is doing something that gives him or
her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.
Host
Jay Shetty
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