Today, Jay reframes how relationships are built—not through surface-level attraction or blind chemistry, but through clarity, communication, and intentionality. He presents nine transformative questions that often go unasked in modern dating, not because they’re unimportant, but because they’re uncomfortable. Jay explains that avoiding these conversations leads to assumptions, unmet expectations, and unnecessary heartache. He underscores that a healthy relationship isn't defined by constant harmony, but by the courage to ask, listen, and grow together.
Blending personal stories, practical wisdom, and psychological insight, Jay highlights how asking the right questions early can reveal compatibility, values, and emotional readiness. He breaks down how these conversations create a shared language, prevent miscommunication, and ultimately strengthen the foundation of any relationship. Rather than using questions as ultimatums or pressure points, he encourages approaching them with curiosity and empathy.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Ask What a Healthy Relationship Means to Your Partner
How to Talk About Fears Around Commitment Without Pressure
How to Discuss Conflict Styles Before an Argument Happens
How to Know If Someone Is Truly Ready for a Relationship
How to Align on Boundaries and Independence in Love
Love doesn’t have to be a guessing game. The more willing we are to ask real questions and embrace honest conversations, the more aligned, peaceful, and fulfilling our relationships can become.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
02:03 The Conversations We Avoid in Modern Dating
03:36 #1: What Defines a Healthy Relationship?
08:17 #2: What are You Afraid of When It Comes to Commitment?
12:30 #3: How Do You Handle Conflicts?
19:44 #4: What are Your Long-Term Intentions?
22:02 #5: What Does Emotional Availability Mean to You?
25:10 #6: Do You Prefer to Recharge Alone?
27:49 #7: What Does Being Ready Mean to You?
31:30 #8: What Does Independence Look Like to You?
32:52 #9: What Are You Still Healing From?
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you're afraid to ask difficult questions in a relationship,
it's because you might already know the answer. But that's
not a good reason. It's better to have the truth
than a lie that feels better than the truth. A
lot of us will accept lies in a relationship, lies
(00:22):
that we've made up in our mind, in our head,
because we don't want to face the truth. But the
truth allows us to move forward. Being in a healthy
relationship isn't just about chemistry, It's about clarity.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Shetty Jay Sheddy.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy and welcome back to On Purpose.
Today we're talking about something no dating app can teach you.
The conversations we're avoiding in modern dating that could save
us from wasting years on the wrong people. Now I
get it. We're always worried. We're scared. What if I
(01:06):
talk about this, What if I bring it up? What
if I start having this conversation? People are going to
get turned off, People are going to reject me. Well,
here's the reality. It's better to be your honest, authentic
self and have someone reject you than to become the
version they want just so they can accept you. So
(01:27):
many of us mold, We hesitate, we second guess, We
change ourselves just for someone to stay, not realizing that
what's the point in wanting someone to stay by changing
who we are when they'll leave when they discover the reality.
We all go through this. We avoid the real questions
(01:48):
right not because we don't care, but because we're afraid
of what.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
The answers might mean. But here's the truth.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
If you want real connection, you need real conversations. So
today I'm giving you powerful questions that most people avoid
when dating that absolutely shouldn't. And for each one, I'll
break down why it matters, what the science says, and
(02:17):
how to ask it in a way that doesn't make
things weird. And I know what you're thinking, Jay, if
I ask this on a first day or a second day,
I'm not going to get a third. Well, here's the reality.
You don't have to ask this on a first or
second day. I just hope that you ask these questions
at some point in the dating process so that things
(02:38):
don't go too far and you actually save yourself from
those surprises and shocks later on. Here's the reality. If
you're dating right now, these are great questions. If you
just moved in, these are great questions, If you just
got engaged, these are great questions. Or even if you're married,
this is a great conversation to have. You don't avoid
(03:00):
these at any stage of the relationship because they will
transform your communication ability. What I find for a lot
of couples is by the time they've committed to being together,
they're actually not aware of how good they are at
having difficult conversations. And the truth is they're not very
good at them because they've either tried to avoid them,
(03:23):
put them on the back burner, had an argument, and
then just swept it under the carpet. This will ensure
that before you're with someone deeply, you actually know what
you're getting yourself into. The first question is what does
a healthy relationship look like to you? Most people assume
(03:43):
love will just click, but talking about what respect, space,
trust and support actually look like helps avoid unmet expectations
and silent resentments later. Now, the reason we avoid this
question is because we assume love should be effortless. We
(04:03):
assume that love should just flow. We assume that if
someone loves me, it will be healthy. But here's the reality.
Just because you love someone. It doesn't block unhealthy behaviors,
so don't assume that, Hey, if we have positive feelings
toward each other, we already have a healthy relationship. You
can love someone and have bad communication. You can love
(04:28):
someone and have unhealthy habits. Someone can love you and
still talk to you poorly, because these are skills and
habits that no one has ever been taught. It matters
because it builds shared language around emotional needs. A lot
of our language around emotional needs feels like, Oh, you're
(04:50):
just being needy. Oh you just need a lot of attention.
Oh you're just high maintenance. Right, These are the things
we think of when someone shares what want in a relationship. Today,
it's often misconstrued as being needy, wanting too much attention,
or actually, further than that, being someone who's high maintenance.
(05:12):
And the reality is we never got the opportunity to
build a shared language. Research shows that clarity around emotional
needs and communication styles leads to longer lasting partnerships. That's
research from the Gotman Institute. A healthy relationship makes you
(05:33):
feel more like yourself, an unhealthy one makes you forget
who that even is. A healthy relationship gives you space
to grow. An unhealthy one makes you shrink to fit.
A healthy relationship holds you through the hard days. An
(05:55):
unhealthy one makes you feel like you're too much for
having them. A healthy relationship brings you peace. An unhealthy
one keeps you addicted to chaos. A healthy relationship challenges
you with kindness. An unhealthy one criticizes you into silence.
(06:20):
A healthy relationship helps you trust your voice. An unhealthy
one teaches you to doubt it. A healthy relationship reminds
you of your value. An unhealthy one makes you fight
to prove it. When you answer the question what does
(06:42):
a healthy relationship look like to you, someone may say time.
Someone else may say freedom. Someone else may say constant connection.
If you haven't had that conversation, you don't know what
you're saying up for. So many of us are subscribing
(07:03):
to relationships. We're pressing the follow button without actually knowing
what the terms and conditions are. When you ask these questions,
you actually understand what are the terms and conditions of
this relationship? What are the small print? What are the
messages that are hidden, that are lost in between the lines.
(07:27):
So many of us have no idea whether our partner's
views on a healthy relationship are the same as ours.
We just assume they are. We assume that if we
think a healthy relationship is time, values, and respect, then
everyone must think that way. But we don't know what
their relationship was like with their parents, or what their parents'
(07:48):
relationship was like, or what background they come from.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
And what the word healthy means to them.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
It's like saying to someone what is a healthy workout regime.
If you come from a family we're working out and
staying healthy and fit was really important, you'd say five
days a week. If you come from another type of family,
you'd say, hey, being healthy just means going on a
walk once a week. We all have really different ideas
of what healthy means, and that applies to love as well.
(08:17):
Question number two to ask when you're dating is what
are you afraid of when it comes to commitment. Not
everyone fears commitment for the same reason. Some fear losing freedom,
others fear repeating the past. We avoid this question because
we don't want to scare someone off or admit our
(08:38):
own fears. But here's why it matters. It opens the
door to healing, not hiding. See, for a lot of us,
we hope this person wants a committed relationship. We're wishing, wanting,
waiting for this dating situation to turn into exclusivity. And
when we don't have this converse, what we set ourselves
(09:01):
up for is another false expectation around what commitment means.
Being in a committed relationship isn't about constant excitement. It's
about showing up, especially on the boring days. It's not
always filled with butterflies. Sometimes it's choosing to talk it
(09:22):
out instead of walking away. It's not texting twenty four
to seven. It's feeling safe in silence. It's not agreeing
on everything, it's learning to disagree without disrespect. It's not
proving your worth every day. It's knowing your valued even
(09:43):
on your worst ones. It's not about losing your independence.
It's about having someone who respects your space and still
shows up for you. It's not perfect, it's practiced. It's
not effortless. It's chosen again and again. I think when
you raise this question, you're raising it not from the
(10:06):
perspective of I need you to commit right now. I
think the reason why these conversations are actually difficult is
because we postpone them till they're critical rather than when
they're a conversation. Think about that for a second. We
postpone critical conversations to when they are urgent, as opposed
(10:27):
to when they would just be a question.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Right, So we.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Wait till things are really bad. And so when you
ask the question, it feels like pressure. When you ask
the question, it feels like you're pushing them. When you
ask the question, it feels like they have to make
a decision. So when you say, hey, what do you
struggle with with commitment? They're thinking way, you're projecting that
onto me. You're telling me I don't want to commit.
You're telling me you want me, need me to commit
(10:51):
right now. And that puts the person on the defensive.
So even when you frame these questions, it's really important
to say, you know, I really think that having an
open dialogue about what commitment means to us is really important.
And I want to know and I want to share
as well, what commitment means to me. Commitment means to
me monogamy, it means loyalty, It means not criticizing each
(11:16):
other in public. It means being honest with each other, right,
whatever that may mean. And now, all of a sudden.
It's not a conversation to say, so, when are we
going exclusive? So?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
When are we moving in?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
So?
Speaker 2 (11:26):
When are you proposing? Right? That's when it's a bad question.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
These questions will be perceived as bad questions when they
feel like you're asking another question. That's the worst type
of question to get when the person on the receiving
end knows in their head that you're actually asking a
completely different question. What you're asking is when are we
getting married? You're not really asking what are your thoughts
on commitment? The question you're really asking is so, when
(11:50):
are you proposing? It's an ultimatum. It's not understanding right.
When you ask a question that's actually an ultimatum, it
actually disconnect you from that person. And of course this
applies in work, it applies for family, it applies for friends,
but we see it the most in love. Don't use
these questions as a mechanism to get someone to propose,
(12:13):
move in, or get married. Use them as a real
method of connection, understanding and building a common platform to
build a healthy relationship from don't wait till things are
extreme to start these healthy conversations. Question number three to
ask while you're dating is how do you handle conflict?
(12:37):
Most people discover the answer during a fight, but asking
early can prevent blow ups, shut downs, or walking away
when things get hard. Now me and Radu went through
this as well, and we didn't have this conversation. I
wish we had asked this question when we started dating.
We discovered it much later. What I found out years
(12:59):
later was that when we had a conflict, I wanted
to talk it out and ratherly wanted to hide. I
wanted to fix it and solve it right now. I
wanted to share everything and put it on the table.
She needed two days to process it. And for years
I used to feel I cared more about the relationship
because I was all right there, ready to solve it.
(13:21):
And in my head I would make up this story
that she didn't care because she was retreating or hiding
in the bedroom. So I'd say, look, you don't care
as much as I do. Look, I'm standing right here,
ready to solve it. You obviously don't value the connection,
and she'd be thinking the same thing. She'd say, how
can you have a conversation when you haven't digested it?
(13:41):
How can you fix it when you haven't had time
to reflect? I care more because I'm actually thinking about it,
I'm actually processing it, I'm actually working through it. It's
amazing how you can both be saying the same thing
but reflecting it in different ways. That's when I discovered
and I wrote about this in my book Eight.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Rule of Love.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
The fight languages. Venting, hiding, and exploding are the three
fight languages. A venor wants to fix, solve, and talk
right now, a hider wants time and space to reflect,
and the exploder wants to put emotional blame and stress.
Now here's the reality. Our fight styles can be transformed
(14:22):
and can be improved, but initially we need to know
what we need in conflict. And when you have this
conversation when you're not fighting, that's when you win. If
you can talk about how you fight when you're not fighting,
you will both win the argument when it comes to it.
(14:43):
But if you only talk about a fight when you're
in the fight, you will both lose. Talk about conflict
before it arises. So many couple say, oh, we never fight,
we never argue, we don't have those issues. Still talk
about it because there will be an issue, there will
be a disagreement that will lead to an argument or
(15:05):
whatever it may be, and that's when you will have
hoped you trained when you weren't in the fire. You
don't train for a championship game in the championship game.
You don't train for the final in the final. You
train for it months and weeks before, so that you're prepared.
When it comes to difficult conversations, arguments, or disagreements, train
(15:30):
before you get to them. Now, we avoid this because
it feels negative to bring up problems early.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Right, We're like, I.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
Don't want to be the one to ruin it. Things
are going so well that that's short term thinking. If
things are going well, having this conversation will only make
them better. Think about that, if this is your person,
having this type of conversation will only make the relationship better.
(15:57):
It will actually save you from getting down the line.
And then all of a sudden having a moment and
going wait, things are going so well. I thought we
really got along. I thought we were really really happy.
Yeah you were because you hadn't had a conflict yet,
and because you haven't discussed how to deal with one.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Now it's tripping you up.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
This really matters because love isn't built on avoiding conflict.
It's built on handling it with respect. Love isn't built
on never having an argument. Love is built on knowing
how to navigate one. Love isn't built on never having
(16:37):
a disagreement. It's built on having a disagreement without disrespect.
Love isn't built on always being happy. It's built on
knowing what to do when your partner and you feel unhappy.
Love isn't built on solving things at the same time
(16:58):
at the same pace. It's built on knowing when to
give space and when you need some yourself. Because remember this,
the right person fights with you, not against you. The
wrong one turns every disagreement into a scoreboard. The right
(17:18):
person listens to understand. The wrong person listens to win.
The right person makes hard conversations feel safe. The wrong
one makes you afraid to speak up. The right person
holds space for your feelings even when they don't agree.
(17:43):
The wrong one uses your feelings against you. The right
person works through it, not around it. The wrong one
leaves things broken and calls it peace. Here's the reality.
You are not going to meet the right person. You
(18:03):
are going to become the right person, and they're going
to become the right person Because you're open to this process.
If you try and find someone who ticks everything I
just said, you will fail. I wasn't the right person
before I met my wife. She wasn't the right person.
We became the right people because we were willing to
do the right things.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Think about that for a second.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
You and your partner will become the right people for
each other because you make the choice to do the
right things, to have the hard conversations, to have the
difficult interactions, to have the disagreements, to prepare for that,
to have a plan for that. That's how you'll get there.
Don't sleep on that one. I have so much more
(18:47):
to share with you, but we're just going to take
a short break for our sponsors and I'll be right back.
I hope you learned about some of our incredible partners.
Let's jump back in question number four to ask, when
you're dating, what are your long term intentions?
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Right now?
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Not everyone is dating for the same reason, but most
people assume they are until someone ghosts or gets blindsided.
We avoid this because we don't want to come off
too intense, But hey, is it better to come off
intense and lose someone who doesn't want to be in
there for the long term, or be casual with someone
(19:26):
and hope it goes well. Here's why it matters. If
you're afraid to ask, you might already know the answer.
Let me say that again. If you're afraid to ask
difficult questions in a relationship, it's because you might already
know the answer. But that's not a good reason. It's
(19:48):
better to have the truth than a lie that feels
better than the truth. A lot of us will accept
lies in a relationship, lies that we've made up in
our mind, in our head because we don't want to
face the truth. But the truth allows us to move forward.
Being in a healthy relationship isn't just about chemistry. It's
(20:11):
about clarity. It's not just about who you're drawn to.
It's about knowing where they're headed and if they want
you there. It's not asking what are we months in.
It's knowing from the beginning what you both want. It's
not reading between the lines. It's having the courage to
(20:33):
read the truth out loud. It's not hoping they'll change
their mind. It's respecting what they told you from the start.
It's not pretending you're okay with casual when your heart
wants commitment. It's being honest about what you're looking for,
(20:54):
even if it scares them away. It's not playing it cool.
It's being clear with yourself and with them. Because love
without direction feels exciting until it feels lost, and connection
without clarity isn't romance, it's confusion. Question number five to
(21:17):
ask when you're dating. What does emotional availability mean to you?
Someone can text daily, be romantic and still be emotionally unavailable.
Define what openness, vulnerability, and safety really look like for
each other. Now, we avoid this because we mistake consistency
(21:39):
for connection. We also avoid this because we know we
want an emotionally intelligent relationship, but we don't want to
come across that way, right. We want to be seen
as cool and relaxed and casual, but really we want
to know what these words mean, and we feel, wait
a minute, I'm setting myself up for failure here, coming
across as a dog or a geek.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
But what ends up happening?
Speaker 1 (22:00):
You end up in an emotionally unintelligent relationship because you
never had any emotionally intelligent conversations. If you're scared of
having an emotionally intelligent conversation with your partner. Chances are
you have an emotionally unintelligent relationship, because if you're willing
to have that conversation, it shows that you respect that
(22:22):
person's emotional capacity and capability.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
If you're not, you're saying it might not exist.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
This matters because availability isn't how they show up in
your phone, it's how they show up in your life.
Emotionally available people make space for your feelings, even when
it's uncomfortable. They call back when conversations get hard. They
(22:50):
say how they feel, not just what you want to hear.
They don't disappear when you need depth. They can hold
their own emotions and respect yours too. Emotionally unavailable people
they keep things vague so they don't have to be honest.
(23:11):
They show up for the good parts, then vanish when
it gets real. They avoid labels, responsibility, and anything that
sounds like commitment. They flirt with your potential, but won't
build anything solid. They make you guess how they feel
and call it taking it slow. Now here's the interesting thing.
(23:35):
When someone's honest with us, but we don't like their honesty,
we see them as bad. It's also on us to
receive honesty with openness. If you block your partner every
time they're honest with you, guess what, They're going to
be dishonest with you. People learn dishonesty because sometimes their
(23:58):
honesty is not received. If someone opens up to you
about something and they don't feel you were open and
receiving it, they now close the door. They're gonna lie
to you, they're gonna make things up, they're gonna find
other excuses because they feel you don't want their honesty.
Allow yourself to be someone that invites honesty, even if
(24:21):
it's uncomfortable. Question Number six to ask while dating, how
do you recharge alone or with people? Introvert versus extrovert
isn't just a personality type, it's a lifestyle, and dating
someone with a different rhythm without awareness can lead to guilt, pressure,
(24:42):
or unmet needs we don't realize. So often in a relationship,
someone will say you don't like me, you don't want
to spend time with me, and all that person's actually
saying is I love spending time with you, but I
recharge alone. I love seeing you, but I recharge by myself.
(25:02):
I enjoy every moment we spend together, but I'm someone
who needs alone time. But we assume that someone's alone
time is a reflection of them not wanting to be
with us, rather than how they recharge. It creates a
sense of uneasiness, It creates a sense of distrust. It
messes up the freedom and independence dynamic, and we avoid
(25:24):
this question because it feels too minor to matter. This
isn't one of the big ones. This is one of
those silent killers in relationships. You keep nagging the other person,
you keep wanting their time and energy, and they just
want to be alone, and you see that as a
sign of them not wanting you. But the reality is
that's how they recharge. This is why it matters. Energy
(25:48):
mismatches cause more conflict than most people expect. One of
my clients, let's call her Amy, she's twenty nine years old,
swiped right on Chris, but our to date two felt overwhelmed.
He wanted a dinner party, she wanted solo Netflix. She
thought she disliked him until she realized she wasn't anti him.
(26:12):
Just in need of quiet. A simple question cleared the air.
Introverts recharge solo. Extroverts recharge through social connection. Introverts will
choose a night in Extroverts will choose a night out.
Introverts will choose time alone, Extroverts will choose time with others.
(26:38):
It's all about how you recharge. Recognizing this prevents misreadings
and resentment early, So try this on date three. Ask
what recharges you more, a big night out or a
quiet night in. Watch how their answer helps you both
skip future mismatches. It's actually a fun conversation too, Which
(27:00):
one would you choose? Question number seven to ask when dating?
What does being ready for a relationship mean to you?
People say they're open to love, but everyone defines readiness differently.
Some mean emotionally healed, others mean financially stable, others mean
(27:24):
bored and lonely. We avoid this because we're afraid of
hearing I'm not ready for anything serious. We're so scared
of hearing those words that we'd rather pretend to ourselves
that this casual thing will become serious. Then move on
from the casual thing and find something serious. It's better
(27:46):
to leave a casual relationship if you want a serious
one than to stay in it pretending it will become
a serious one, because chances are is that person has
told you they don't want anything serious going to be
someone who's going to change their mind. We all want
to be the person to change that person's mind, and
(28:06):
we're scared that they're going to change their mind for
the next person. Well, you're not that person. You're not
the next person, and that's okay. Here's why this question matters.
It helps you understand if you're dating a partner or
a placeholder and how much time you want to waste.
(28:28):
I remember working with a client I'll call them Jordan
and Mia, and they had sparks. They were doing so great,
and then they had this disagreement that came when they
were traveling for a weekend trip. Jordan shut down, Mia
kept pushing and it almost ended. And then I'd ask
(28:49):
them to ask this question. Only when Mia asked him
to share how he processes tension, did they create a
code word to pause and reconnect instead of fight.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
And here's what the science says.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
The Emotional availability framework shows that conflict handling styles deeply
shape relationship satisfaction. So try this today on a low
stakes disagreement, ask when you're upset, what helps space talk distraction?
(29:23):
Use their answer when tension hits Next, when someone's ready
for a relationship, they don't just want connection. They want commitment.
They know what they're looking for, and they're not afraid
to say it. They face their past, not stuffed it
under healing. They make space for another person without losing themselves.
(29:48):
They take accountability, not just attention. They show up consistently,
not just when it's convenient. Love isn't a distraction for them,
it's a decision for them. When someone's not ready for
a relationship, they say I'm not sure what I want,
(30:10):
but they still want your time. They want chemistry without commitment.
They're still healing, but use it to avoid getting close.
They want relationship benefits with single person freedom. They pull
you in, then push you away and call it processing.
(30:30):
They wait for the perfect person instead of working.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
On being one.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
They make you feel like you're asking for too much,
just for wanting clarity. Question number eight to ask while
you're dating. What does independence look like to you in
a relationship. Some people need space to feel close. Others
need closeness to feel safe. If you don't talk about that,
(31:00):
one will feel smothered and the other will feel abandoned.
We think chemistry will override compatibility. Independence is actually about boundaries,
and boundaries build security, not distance. One of my friends,
let's call him Ravi. His partner Maddie, texted him every
(31:24):
day early on right it was long chats, spending hours
on the phone, But two months later communication dipped and
all of a sudden, he felt abandoned. It wasn't until
she explained that routine texts don't equal emotional presence. She
preferred a deep, nightly debrief on the phone. The science
(31:45):
says emotional availability, being responsive and supportive, directly correlates with
trust in intimacy.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
Make sure you're clear on that. Try this today.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
Ask what makes you feel emotionally heard and listen for
quality over frequency, And then try matching that question number
nine to ask when you're dating, what are you still
healing from? Everyone has a story, and while we don't
owe each other our trauma, we do owe each other
(32:21):
honesty about what might still be shaping our choices. We
avoid it because we don't want to seem damaged or
too deep, but it matters. It invites real intimacy, not
surface level perfection. So here's the deal. You're not too
(32:42):
intense for asking, You're just being honest. In a world
built on surface level connections, These nine conversations aren't heavy,
they're healthy. And if someone's afraid to go there, that's
not a red flag, it's a stop sign. Because when
(33:02):
someone is right for you, they won't just answer these questions,
they'll ask them too. So next time you're on a date,
allow yourself to go deeper. You might just save yourself weeks, months,
and years. Thank you so much for listening on purpose.
Send this to someone in your life who needs to
(33:23):
hear it, who's newly dating, newly married, newly engaged. It
will change their lives. And remember I am always rooting
for you on forever in your corner.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
Thank you for listening.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Hey everyone, if you love that conversation, go and check
out my episode with the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb,
where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in
therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.
If you're trying to figure out that space right now,
you won't want to miss this conversation. If it's a
(33:56):
romantic relationship, hold hands.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.
Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
It's so lovely.
If you're afraid to ask difficult questions in a relationship,
it's because you might already know the answer. But that's
not a good reason. It's better to have the truth
than a lie that feels better than the truth. A
lot of us will accept lies in a relationship, lies
(00:22):
that we've made up in our mind, in our head,
because we don't want to face the truth. But the
truth allows us to move forward. Being in a healthy
relationship isn't just about chemistry, It's about clarity.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Shetty Jay Sheddy.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy and welcome back to On Purpose.
Today we're talking about something no dating app can teach you.
The conversations we're avoiding in modern dating that could save
us from wasting years on the wrong people. Now I
get it. We're always worried. We're scared. What if I
(01:06):
talk about this, What if I bring it up? What
if I start having this conversation? People are going to
get turned off, People are going to reject me. Well,
here's the reality. It's better to be your honest, authentic
self and have someone reject you than to become the
version they want just so they can accept you. So
(01:27):
many of us mold, We hesitate, we second guess, We
change ourselves just for someone to stay, not realizing that
what's the point in wanting someone to stay by changing
who we are when they'll leave when they discover the reality.
We all go through this. We avoid the real questions
(01:48):
right not because we don't care, but because we're afraid
of what.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
The answers might mean. But here's the truth.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
If you want real connection, you need real conversations. So
today I'm giving you powerful questions that most people avoid
when dating that absolutely shouldn't. And for each one, I'll
break down why it matters, what the science says, and
(02:17):
how to ask it in a way that doesn't make
things weird. And I know what you're thinking, Jay, if
I ask this on a first day or a second day,
I'm not going to get a third. Well, here's the reality.
You don't have to ask this on a first or
second day. I just hope that you ask these questions
at some point in the dating process so that things
(02:38):
don't go too far and you actually save yourself from
those surprises and shocks later on. Here's the reality. If
you're dating right now, these are great questions. If you
just moved in, these are great questions, If you just
got engaged, these are great questions. Or even if you're married,
this is a great conversation to have. You don't avoid
(03:00):
these at any stage of the relationship because they will
transform your communication ability. What I find for a lot
of couples is by the time they've committed to being together,
they're actually not aware of how good they are at
having difficult conversations. And the truth is they're not very
good at them because they've either tried to avoid them,
(03:23):
put them on the back burner, had an argument, and
then just swept it under the carpet. This will ensure
that before you're with someone deeply, you actually know what
you're getting yourself into. The first question is what does
a healthy relationship look like to you? Most people assume
(03:43):
love will just click, but talking about what respect, space,
trust and support actually look like helps avoid unmet expectations
and silent resentments later. Now, the reason we avoid this
question is because we assume love should be effortless. We
(04:03):
assume that love should just flow. We assume that if
someone loves me, it will be healthy. But here's the reality.
Just because you love someone. It doesn't block unhealthy behaviors,
so don't assume that, Hey, if we have positive feelings
toward each other, we already have a healthy relationship. You
can love someone and have bad communication. You can love
(04:28):
someone and have unhealthy habits. Someone can love you and
still talk to you poorly, because these are skills and
habits that no one has ever been taught. It matters
because it builds shared language around emotional needs. A lot
of our language around emotional needs feels like, Oh, you're
(04:50):
just being needy. Oh you just need a lot of attention.
Oh you're just high maintenance. Right, These are the things
we think of when someone shares what want in a relationship. Today,
it's often misconstrued as being needy, wanting too much attention,
or actually, further than that, being someone who's high maintenance.
(05:12):
And the reality is we never got the opportunity to
build a shared language. Research shows that clarity around emotional
needs and communication styles leads to longer lasting partnerships. That's
research from the Gotman Institute. A healthy relationship makes you
(05:33):
feel more like yourself, an unhealthy one makes you forget
who that even is. A healthy relationship gives you space
to grow. An unhealthy one makes you shrink to fit.
A healthy relationship holds you through the hard days. An
(05:55):
unhealthy one makes you feel like you're too much for
having them. A healthy relationship brings you peace. An unhealthy
one keeps you addicted to chaos. A healthy relationship challenges
you with kindness. An unhealthy one criticizes you into silence.
(06:20):
A healthy relationship helps you trust your voice. An unhealthy
one teaches you to doubt it. A healthy relationship reminds
you of your value. An unhealthy one makes you fight
to prove it. When you answer the question what does
(06:42):
a healthy relationship look like to you, someone may say time.
Someone else may say freedom. Someone else may say constant connection.
If you haven't had that conversation, you don't know what
you're saying up for. So many of us are subscribing
(07:03):
to relationships. We're pressing the follow button without actually knowing
what the terms and conditions are. When you ask these questions,
you actually understand what are the terms and conditions of
this relationship? What are the small print? What are the
messages that are hidden, that are lost in between the lines.
(07:27):
So many of us have no idea whether our partner's
views on a healthy relationship are the same as ours.
We just assume they are. We assume that if we
think a healthy relationship is time, values, and respect, then
everyone must think that way. But we don't know what
their relationship was like with their parents, or what their parents'
(07:48):
relationship was like, or what background they come from.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
And what the word healthy means to them.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
It's like saying to someone what is a healthy workout regime.
If you come from a family we're working out and
staying healthy and fit was really important, you'd say five
days a week. If you come from another type of family,
you'd say, hey, being healthy just means going on a
walk once a week. We all have really different ideas
of what healthy means, and that applies to love as well.
(08:17):
Question number two to ask when you're dating is what
are you afraid of when it comes to commitment. Not
everyone fears commitment for the same reason. Some fear losing freedom,
others fear repeating the past. We avoid this question because
we don't want to scare someone off or admit our
(08:38):
own fears. But here's why it matters. It opens the
door to healing, not hiding. See, for a lot of us,
we hope this person wants a committed relationship. We're wishing, wanting,
waiting for this dating situation to turn into exclusivity. And
when we don't have this converse, what we set ourselves
(09:01):
up for is another false expectation around what commitment means.
Being in a committed relationship isn't about constant excitement. It's
about showing up, especially on the boring days. It's not
always filled with butterflies. Sometimes it's choosing to talk it
(09:22):
out instead of walking away. It's not texting twenty four
to seven. It's feeling safe in silence. It's not agreeing
on everything, it's learning to disagree without disrespect. It's not
proving your worth every day. It's knowing your valued even
(09:43):
on your worst ones. It's not about losing your independence.
It's about having someone who respects your space and still
shows up for you. It's not perfect, it's practiced. It's
not effortless. It's chosen again and again. I think when
you raise this question, you're raising it not from the
(10:06):
perspective of I need you to commit right now. I
think the reason why these conversations are actually difficult is
because we postpone them till they're critical rather than when
they're a conversation. Think about that for a second. We
postpone critical conversations to when they are urgent, as opposed
(10:27):
to when they would just be a question.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Right, So we.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Wait till things are really bad. And so when you
ask the question, it feels like pressure. When you ask
the question, it feels like you're pushing them. When you
ask the question, it feels like they have to make
a decision. So when you say, hey, what do you
struggle with with commitment? They're thinking way, you're projecting that
onto me. You're telling me I don't want to commit.
You're telling me you want me, need me to commit
(10:51):
right now. And that puts the person on the defensive.
So even when you frame these questions, it's really important
to say, you know, I really think that having an
open dialogue about what commitment means to us is really important.
And I want to know and I want to share
as well, what commitment means to me. Commitment means to
me monogamy, it means loyalty, It means not criticizing each
(11:16):
other in public. It means being honest with each other, right,
whatever that may mean. And now, all of a sudden.
It's not a conversation to say, so, when are we
going exclusive? So?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
When are we moving in?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
So?
Speaker 2 (11:26):
When are you proposing? Right? That's when it's a bad question.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
These questions will be perceived as bad questions when they
feel like you're asking another question. That's the worst type
of question to get when the person on the receiving
end knows in their head that you're actually asking a
completely different question. What you're asking is when are we
getting married? You're not really asking what are your thoughts
on commitment? The question you're really asking is so, when
(11:50):
are you proposing? It's an ultimatum. It's not understanding right.
When you ask a question that's actually an ultimatum, it
actually disconnect you from that person. And of course this
applies in work, it applies for family, it applies for friends,
but we see it the most in love. Don't use
these questions as a mechanism to get someone to propose,
(12:13):
move in, or get married. Use them as a real
method of connection, understanding and building a common platform to
build a healthy relationship from don't wait till things are
extreme to start these healthy conversations. Question number three to
ask while you're dating is how do you handle conflict?
(12:37):
Most people discover the answer during a fight, but asking
early can prevent blow ups, shut downs, or walking away
when things get hard. Now me and Radu went through
this as well, and we didn't have this conversation. I
wish we had asked this question when we started dating.
We discovered it much later. What I found out years
(12:59):
later was that when we had a conflict, I wanted
to talk it out and ratherly wanted to hide. I
wanted to fix it and solve it right now. I
wanted to share everything and put it on the table.
She needed two days to process it. And for years
I used to feel I cared more about the relationship
because I was all right there, ready to solve it.
(13:21):
And in my head I would make up this story
that she didn't care because she was retreating or hiding
in the bedroom. So I'd say, look, you don't care
as much as I do. Look, I'm standing right here,
ready to solve it. You obviously don't value the connection,
and she'd be thinking the same thing. She'd say, how
can you have a conversation when you haven't digested it?
(13:41):
How can you fix it when you haven't had time
to reflect? I care more because I'm actually thinking about it,
I'm actually processing it, I'm actually working through it. It's
amazing how you can both be saying the same thing
but reflecting it in different ways. That's when I discovered
and I wrote about this in my book Eight.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Rule of Love.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
The fight languages. Venting, hiding, and exploding are the three
fight languages. A venor wants to fix, solve, and talk
right now, a hider wants time and space to reflect,
and the exploder wants to put emotional blame and stress.
Now here's the reality. Our fight styles can be transformed
(14:22):
and can be improved, but initially we need to know
what we need in conflict. And when you have this
conversation when you're not fighting, that's when you win. If
you can talk about how you fight when you're not fighting,
you will both win the argument when it comes to it.
(14:43):
But if you only talk about a fight when you're
in the fight, you will both lose. Talk about conflict
before it arises. So many couple say, oh, we never fight,
we never argue, we don't have those issues. Still talk
about it because there will be an issue, there will
be a disagreement that will lead to an argument or
(15:05):
whatever it may be, and that's when you will have
hoped you trained when you weren't in the fire. You
don't train for a championship game in the championship game.
You don't train for the final in the final. You
train for it months and weeks before, so that you're prepared.
When it comes to difficult conversations, arguments, or disagreements, train
(15:30):
before you get to them. Now, we avoid this because
it feels negative to bring up problems early.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Right, We're like, I.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
Don't want to be the one to ruin it. Things
are going so well that that's short term thinking. If
things are going well, having this conversation will only make
them better. Think about that, if this is your person,
having this type of conversation will only make the relationship better.
(15:57):
It will actually save you from getting down the line.
And then all of a sudden having a moment and
going wait, things are going so well. I thought we
really got along. I thought we were really really happy.
Yeah you were because you hadn't had a conflict yet,
and because you haven't discussed how to deal with one.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Now it's tripping you up.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
This really matters because love isn't built on avoiding conflict.
It's built on handling it with respect. Love isn't built
on never having an argument. Love is built on knowing
how to navigate one. Love isn't built on never having
(16:37):
a disagreement. It's built on having a disagreement without disrespect.
Love isn't built on always being happy. It's built on
knowing what to do when your partner and you feel unhappy.
Love isn't built on solving things at the same time
(16:58):
at the same pace. It's built on knowing when to
give space and when you need some yourself. Because remember this,
the right person fights with you, not against you. The
wrong one turns every disagreement into a scoreboard. The right
(17:18):
person listens to understand. The wrong person listens to win.
The right person makes hard conversations feel safe. The wrong
one makes you afraid to speak up. The right person
holds space for your feelings even when they don't agree.
(17:43):
The wrong one uses your feelings against you. The right
person works through it, not around it. The wrong one
leaves things broken and calls it peace. Here's the reality.
You are not going to meet the right person. You
(18:03):
are going to become the right person, and they're going
to become the right person Because you're open to this process.
If you try and find someone who ticks everything I
just said, you will fail. I wasn't the right person
before I met my wife. She wasn't the right person.
We became the right people because we were willing to
do the right things.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Think about that for a second.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
You and your partner will become the right people for
each other because you make the choice to do the
right things, to have the hard conversations, to have the
difficult interactions, to have the disagreements, to prepare for that,
to have a plan for that. That's how you'll get there.
Don't sleep on that one. I have so much more
(18:47):
to share with you, but we're just going to take
a short break for our sponsors and I'll be right back.
I hope you learned about some of our incredible partners.
Let's jump back in question number four to ask, when
you're dating, what are your long term intentions?
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Right now?
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Not everyone is dating for the same reason, but most
people assume they are until someone ghosts or gets blindsided.
We avoid this because we don't want to come off
too intense, But hey, is it better to come off
intense and lose someone who doesn't want to be in
there for the long term, or be casual with someone
(19:26):
and hope it goes well. Here's why it matters. If
you're afraid to ask, you might already know the answer.
Let me say that again. If you're afraid to ask
difficult questions in a relationship, it's because you might already
know the answer. But that's not a good reason. It's
(19:48):
better to have the truth than a lie that feels
better than the truth. A lot of us will accept
lies in a relationship, lies that we've made up in
our mind, in our head because we don't want to
face the truth. But the truth allows us to move forward.
Being in a healthy relationship isn't just about chemistry. It's
(20:11):
about clarity. It's not just about who you're drawn to.
It's about knowing where they're headed and if they want
you there. It's not asking what are we months in.
It's knowing from the beginning what you both want. It's
not reading between the lines. It's having the courage to
(20:33):
read the truth out loud. It's not hoping they'll change
their mind. It's respecting what they told you from the start.
It's not pretending you're okay with casual when your heart
wants commitment. It's being honest about what you're looking for,
(20:54):
even if it scares them away. It's not playing it cool.
It's being clear with yourself and with them. Because love
without direction feels exciting until it feels lost, and connection
without clarity isn't romance, it's confusion. Question number five to
(21:17):
ask when you're dating. What does emotional availability mean to you?
Someone can text daily, be romantic and still be emotionally unavailable.
Define what openness, vulnerability, and safety really look like for
each other. Now, we avoid this because we mistake consistency
(21:39):
for connection. We also avoid this because we know we
want an emotionally intelligent relationship, but we don't want to
come across that way, right. We want to be seen
as cool and relaxed and casual, but really we want
to know what these words mean, and we feel, wait
a minute, I'm setting myself up for failure here, coming
across as a dog or a geek.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
But what ends up happening?
Speaker 1 (22:00):
You end up in an emotionally unintelligent relationship because you
never had any emotionally intelligent conversations. If you're scared of
having an emotionally intelligent conversation with your partner. Chances are
you have an emotionally unintelligent relationship, because if you're willing
to have that conversation, it shows that you respect that
(22:22):
person's emotional capacity and capability.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
If you're not, you're saying it might not exist.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
This matters because availability isn't how they show up in
your phone, it's how they show up in your life.
Emotionally available people make space for your feelings, even when
it's uncomfortable. They call back when conversations get hard. They
(22:50):
say how they feel, not just what you want to hear.
They don't disappear when you need depth. They can hold
their own emotions and respect yours too. Emotionally unavailable people
they keep things vague so they don't have to be honest.
(23:11):
They show up for the good parts, then vanish when
it gets real. They avoid labels, responsibility, and anything that
sounds like commitment. They flirt with your potential, but won't
build anything solid. They make you guess how they feel
and call it taking it slow. Now here's the interesting thing.
(23:35):
When someone's honest with us, but we don't like their honesty,
we see them as bad. It's also on us to
receive honesty with openness. If you block your partner every
time they're honest with you, guess what, They're going to
be dishonest with you. People learn dishonesty because sometimes their
(23:58):
honesty is not received. If someone opens up to you
about something and they don't feel you were open and
receiving it, they now close the door. They're gonna lie
to you, they're gonna make things up, they're gonna find
other excuses because they feel you don't want their honesty.
Allow yourself to be someone that invites honesty, even if
(24:21):
it's uncomfortable. Question Number six to ask while dating, how
do you recharge alone or with people? Introvert versus extrovert
isn't just a personality type, it's a lifestyle, and dating
someone with a different rhythm without awareness can lead to guilt, pressure,
(24:42):
or unmet needs we don't realize. So often in a relationship,
someone will say you don't like me, you don't want
to spend time with me, and all that person's actually
saying is I love spending time with you, but I
recharge alone. I love seeing you, but I recharge by myself.
(25:02):
I enjoy every moment we spend together, but I'm someone
who needs alone time. But we assume that someone's alone
time is a reflection of them not wanting to be
with us, rather than how they recharge. It creates a
sense of uneasiness, It creates a sense of distrust. It
messes up the freedom and independence dynamic, and we avoid
(25:24):
this question because it feels too minor to matter. This
isn't one of the big ones. This is one of
those silent killers in relationships. You keep nagging the other person,
you keep wanting their time and energy, and they just
want to be alone, and you see that as a
sign of them not wanting you. But the reality is
that's how they recharge. This is why it matters. Energy
(25:48):
mismatches cause more conflict than most people expect. One of
my clients, let's call her Amy, she's twenty nine years old,
swiped right on Chris, but our to date two felt overwhelmed.
He wanted a dinner party, she wanted solo Netflix. She
thought she disliked him until she realized she wasn't anti him.
(26:12):
Just in need of quiet. A simple question cleared the air.
Introverts recharge solo. Extroverts recharge through social connection. Introverts will
choose a night in Extroverts will choose a night out.
Introverts will choose time alone, Extroverts will choose time with others.
(26:38):
It's all about how you recharge. Recognizing this prevents misreadings
and resentment early, So try this on date three. Ask
what recharges you more, a big night out or a
quiet night in. Watch how their answer helps you both
skip future mismatches. It's actually a fun conversation too, Which
(27:00):
one would you choose? Question number seven to ask when dating?
What does being ready for a relationship mean to you?
People say they're open to love, but everyone defines readiness differently.
Some mean emotionally healed, others mean financially stable, others mean
(27:24):
bored and lonely. We avoid this because we're afraid of
hearing I'm not ready for anything serious. We're so scared
of hearing those words that we'd rather pretend to ourselves
that this casual thing will become serious. Then move on
from the casual thing and find something serious. It's better
(27:46):
to leave a casual relationship if you want a serious
one than to stay in it pretending it will become
a serious one, because chances are is that person has
told you they don't want anything serious going to be
someone who's going to change their mind. We all want
to be the person to change that person's mind, and
(28:06):
we're scared that they're going to change their mind for
the next person. Well, you're not that person. You're not
the next person, and that's okay. Here's why this question matters.
It helps you understand if you're dating a partner or
a placeholder and how much time you want to waste.
(28:28):
I remember working with a client I'll call them Jordan
and Mia, and they had sparks. They were doing so great,
and then they had this disagreement that came when they
were traveling for a weekend trip. Jordan shut down, Mia
kept pushing and it almost ended. And then I'd ask
(28:49):
them to ask this question. Only when Mia asked him
to share how he processes tension, did they create a
code word to pause and reconnect instead of fight.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
And here's what the science says.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
The Emotional availability framework shows that conflict handling styles deeply
shape relationship satisfaction. So try this today on a low
stakes disagreement, ask when you're upset, what helps space talk distraction?
(29:23):
Use their answer when tension hits Next, when someone's ready
for a relationship, they don't just want connection. They want commitment.
They know what they're looking for, and they're not afraid
to say it. They face their past, not stuffed it
under healing. They make space for another person without losing themselves.
(29:48):
They take accountability, not just attention. They show up consistently,
not just when it's convenient. Love isn't a distraction for them,
it's a decision for them. When someone's not ready for
a relationship, they say I'm not sure what I want,
(30:10):
but they still want your time. They want chemistry without commitment.
They're still healing, but use it to avoid getting close.
They want relationship benefits with single person freedom. They pull
you in, then push you away and call it processing.
(30:30):
They wait for the perfect person instead of working.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
On being one.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
They make you feel like you're asking for too much,
just for wanting clarity. Question number eight to ask while
you're dating. What does independence look like to you in
a relationship. Some people need space to feel close. Others
need closeness to feel safe. If you don't talk about that,
(31:00):
one will feel smothered and the other will feel abandoned.
We think chemistry will override compatibility. Independence is actually about boundaries,
and boundaries build security, not distance. One of my friends,
let's call him Ravi. His partner Maddie, texted him every
(31:24):
day early on right it was long chats, spending hours
on the phone, But two months later communication dipped and
all of a sudden, he felt abandoned. It wasn't until
she explained that routine texts don't equal emotional presence. She
preferred a deep, nightly debrief on the phone. The science
(31:45):
says emotional availability, being responsive and supportive, directly correlates with
trust in intimacy.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
Make sure you're clear on that. Try this today.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
Ask what makes you feel emotionally heard and listen for
quality over frequency, And then try matching that question number
nine to ask when you're dating, what are you still
healing from? Everyone has a story, and while we don't
owe each other our trauma, we do owe each other
(32:21):
honesty about what might still be shaping our choices. We
avoid it because we don't want to seem damaged or
too deep, but it matters. It invites real intimacy, not
surface level perfection. So here's the deal. You're not too
(32:42):
intense for asking, You're just being honest. In a world
built on surface level connections, These nine conversations aren't heavy,
they're healthy. And if someone's afraid to go there, that's
not a red flag, it's a stop sign. Because when
(33:02):
someone is right for you, they won't just answer these questions,
they'll ask them too. So next time you're on a date,
allow yourself to go deeper. You might just save yourself weeks, months,
and years. Thank you so much for listening on purpose.
Send this to someone in your life who needs to
(33:23):
hear it, who's newly dating, newly married, newly engaged. It
will change their lives. And remember I am always rooting
for you on forever in your corner.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
Thank you for listening.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Hey everyone, if you love that conversation, go and check
out my episode with the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb,
where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in
therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.
If you're trying to figure out that space right now,
you won't want to miss this conversation. If it's a
(33:56):
romantic relationship, hold hands.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.
Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
It's so lovely.
Host
Jay Shetty
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