May 16, 2025 • 42 mins
When was the last time you looked back and thought, “If only I knew this earlier”?
In this episode, Jay shares the seven life-changing lessons he wishes he’d learned in his teens and twenties—insights that could have reshaped his relationships, career, peace of mind, and sense of purpose. These aren’t just reflections; they’re powerful revelations most of us only discover through struggle, heartbreak, or burnout.
Jay dives into what it truly means to speak with intention, to know when it’s time to let go, and to stop outsourcing your self-worth. From learning to stay quiet in a world that rewards noise to realizing that boundaries are an act of self-love—each lesson is a powerful reminder that growth isn’t always about adding more, but about releasing what no longer serves you.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
Why Saying Less Makes Your Words Matter More.
Knowing When It’s Time to Walk Away
Why You Should Talk To People, Not About Them.
What Stress Reveals About a Person’s True Nature.
How to Raise Your Standards Without Guilt.
Why Some People Miss the Old You (for the Wrong Reasons).
How to Stop Absorbing Others' Emotions and Expectations.
This episode is for anyone feeling stuck, overlooked, or overwhelmed. Jay reminds you that you don’t get what you deserve — you get what you accept. And that sometimes the most powerful transformation happens when you choose peace over performance, presence over perfection, and truth over approval.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
Join Jay for his first ever, On Purpose Live Tour! Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you there!
What We Discussed:
00:00 Intro
01:37 Things I Wish I Knew
03:27 Lesson #1: Speak Less, Say More
11:57 Lesson #2: Let Go Before It Drags You Down
17:34 Lesson #3: Talk to Your Partner, Not About Them
21:43 Lesson #4: Understand the Whole Person, Not Just the Parts You Like
28:05 Lesson #5: You Get What You Tolerate, Not What You Deserve
32:52 Lesson #6: People Cling to the Old You Because It Was Easier to Control
36:22 Lesson #7: “Bad at Texting” Often Means You're Not a Priority
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward, Slash Tour and get
yours today. We're taught so many things early in our
(00:47):
life that we never use again. Think about the subjects
you learned at school. What percentage of the subjects you
studied at school do you practically use today. I'm guessing
that percentage is quite low. But the skills I'm about
to share with you today, if we had learned them
that early, they would have benefited us forever. It's incredible
(01:11):
to me that no one's sharing these insights that often
we don't hear them as the best pieces of advice.
This isn't what we're being told. It's something that you
have to read in between the lines to actually extract
and implement in your life. The number one health and
wellness podcast Jay Sheety, Jay Sheddy Ly j Hei Everyone,
(01:39):
Thank you so much for tuning in today about the
seven lessons I wish I had learned sooner. Truly, these
are seven lessons I wish I learned in my twenties,
even in my teens, and I think they would have
changed my life. They would have changed the quality of
my relationships. They would have changed my performance at work.
(01:59):
They would have changed how quickly I found my purpose. Now,
if any of you out there are struggling with making
an impact, if you're struggling with your mind, if you're
struggling with anxiety or stress, this episode is for you.
But before we dive in, I want to ask you
a simple, simple request. It would mean the world to
(02:22):
me if you would subscribe to this channel every single
week For years, I've been creating content to serve you,
to help you, to support you, and I know that
you're the type of person that would love to be
a part of this community. When you click subscribe, you're
not just subscribing to a channel. You're actually committing to
a journey of growth, transformation, and service. And you're allowing
(02:46):
me and my team to continue to do this work,
which we can't wait to keep giving. So thank you
so much. Collect that subscribe button. So let's dive straight in.
The reason why the lessons I'm about to share with
you today are so powerful and so important is that
they're often missed. We're taught so many things early in
(03:09):
our life that we never use again. Think about the
subjects you learned at school. What percentage of the subjects
you studied at school do you practically use today. I'm
guessing that percentage is quite low. But the skills I'm
about to share with you today, if we had learned
them that early, they would have benefited us forever. It's
(03:32):
incredible to me that no one's sharing these insights that
often we don't hear them as the best pieces of advice.
This isn't what we're being told. It's something that you
have to read in between the lines to actually extract
and implement in your life. I hope you have your
note pad out if you don't worry We'll be summarizing
(03:56):
this as we go along, and you'll be able to
come back any point to grab the insight that you missed.
Feel free to pause, play, rewind, fast forward as you will,
because I want to make sure that this message lands.
The first lesson I wish i'd learn sooner is the
(04:18):
less you say, the more your words will matter. I
always used to think that the loudest person in a
room had the most power, that the person who taught
the most had the most control, until I realized the
person who spoke the most was the least in control.
(04:40):
They were trying to come across as likable, they were
trying to be popular, and in that attempt, they were
actually making it harder for them to be memorable. It
was hard to be interesting for a thirty minute conversation,
and talk for twenty minutes of it. It was really
difficult to be memorable when you said so many things
(05:03):
but no one remembered what you exactly said. It felt
really uncomfortable to be quiet, but every time you kept
trying to interject and say something, you felt even less
confident because you didn't have anything meaningful to say. This principle,
this lesson, will change your life. The first thing it
(05:25):
will do is it will stop you from being anxious
in social settings. The number of us that walk into
a social setting and try to come off as interesting
and important, only to leave feeling insignificant and irrelevant to
the conversation. If you realize that being silent is not
(05:46):
a weakness, being silent is a strength. Why because you
can listen. It means when you respond, people will also
be able to tell that you took in what they say. See,
most of us are struggling not because we don't listen,
but because we're thinking about what we want to say
(06:07):
while we're listening. Because of that, we don't even digest
what someone is sharing. So when we open our mouth,
that person feels disconnected and distant. So firstly, it will
remove that anxiety and nervousness when you're at a party,
a social setting, a work event, whatever it may be.
(06:29):
The second thing is you get the opportunity to be interested,
which is even more important than being interesting. People love
to share and answer great questions. When you get good
at asking good questions, people feel good, they react in
(06:50):
a good way. They appreciate it. Now most of us,
when we ask questions, we ask things like how is
your day? That person has been ask that for so
many years in their life that they have a rehearsed,
regurgitated answer something like good, fine, okay, blah. Right now,
(07:12):
you may be a little more bold and talk about
the weather. That's boring too. That person has been asked
about the weather for years now. You may have heard
let's ask someone what's exciting for them? That can sometimes
feel quite challenging for that person. Here's what I'm gonna
share with you. If you're going to ask something, share
(07:35):
your thoughts on it. First, say I've been watching this
really cool TV show. What's your thoughts on it? Have
you seen it? They go no, I haven't seen it,
and they say, tell me about it. Now, you've actually
been asked to share. A lot of us say so
much when we're not asked. Unsolicited advice and unsolicited conversation
(07:55):
is potentially the hardest to hold someone's attention with. When
someone asks you a question and you respond, that keeps
their attention. When you talk without letting someone else get involved,
we actually lose their attention. The less you say, the
more your words will matter. The less you complain, the
(08:20):
more people will listen. The less you react, the more
control you hold. The less you argue, the more dignity
you keep, the less you chase, the more you attract,
The less you speak from emotion, the more weight your
(08:41):
words carry, the less you overcompensate, the more people understand
you less, noise, more impact less, chatter, more respect less,
explaining more commanding, speak less and mean more. When you
(09:04):
walk into a room and you just start complaining about
your day, complaining about your journey, complaining about the travel,
complaining about your weekend, what does that do? It puts
everyone into a negative space and negative environment. They now
connect you and associate you with negative emotions. Even if
(09:27):
they say I agree, I'm sorry you went through that,
I'm sorry to hear it. You have now created a
contagious space for negativity. Save that complaining for a friend
you can vent to save that complaining for someone who
shares the same with you. When you're walking into the workplace,
(09:49):
when you're walking into a family event, walk in and
share something amazing that happened to you, something that you're
grateful for are to someone else, what was the most
memorable part of their week, something beautiful that happened to them.
All of a sudden, you're going to kickstart a chain
reaction of positive events. In today's world of endless chatter,
(10:12):
it's easy to believe more words mean more connection, but
studies showed the opposite. According to a twenty fourteen Harvard study,
people remember only seventeen to twenty five percent of what
they hear in conversations. Flood someone with words, and your
(10:34):
meaning gets lost like a drop in a nocean. Wise
communicators know brevity creates impact. In zen teachings, a story
tells of a student who asked his master for the
secret of wisdom. A student went up to his teacher
(10:54):
and asked, what is the secret of wisdom? The teacher
simply replied, listen. The student asked again, what is the
secret of wisdom? The teacher applied listen. Frustrated, the student
(11:16):
demanded more explanation, to which the teacher applied, if you listened,
you wouldn't need more words. This is one of my
favorite stories because it shows us that, rather than thinking
about what we're going to say, what we're thinking evaluating,
(11:37):
if we simply listened, paused, and responded, we'd actually have
something meaningful to say. The reason you don't have something
meaningful to say is because you haven't listened. We don't
listen because we're scared of the gap between listening and responding.
(11:59):
But actually, if you listen and you take that time,
what you say will have more value, more impact, and
it's more likely to be remembered. So here's a habit,
a practical habit I want to share with you before
your next conversation, Ask yourself, what is the essential message
(12:20):
I want them to remember. Say it clearly in one
or two sentences. So when you walk into a conversation,
make it really clear to yourself what is it I
want to communicate. What is the essence of what I
actually want to share? What do I want to embody?
And let your silence add weight to your words. The
(12:41):
second lesson I wish i'd learned sooner is let go
or be dragged. Think about this. When you don't let
go of something, it doesn't stop, It doesn't pause. If
you don't let go of a person, they don't stop changing.
If you don't let go of a person, they don't
(13:04):
stop living. If you don't let go of a person,
they don't stop doing whatever it is they're doing. Sometimes
the only way to strengthen your own relationship with yourself
is to disconnect and let go of someone else. Think
about all the times in your life where you were
so attracted to someone you just kept pursuing them. What happened?
(13:29):
You didn't let go, and you felt dragged along. What
about when there was someone that you were dating and
maybe they gave you all the signs, you saw, all
the red flags that this person wasn't right for you.
But what did you do. You didn't let go, and
so you were dragged. And what about that friend who
(13:50):
kept manipulating you, kept taking advantage of you, took you
for granted, and you didn't let go, so you got tragged.
It's much better when we voluntarily early on let go,
rather than get dragged throughout our life along with this
(14:13):
person wherever they're going in whichever direction. Let go or
be dragged, Let go or be left behind. Let go,
or be broken by what you're clinging to. Let go
or be crushed under the weight of what's gone. Let go,
(14:34):
or lose yourself trying to hold what's already slipping away.
Let go, or stay trapped in a life that no
longer fits you. Clutching what hurts you doesn't save you.
It sinks you. Clinging to what's over doesn't preserve it, It
(14:57):
poisons you. Holding on too long turns love into resentment,
hope into suffering, memories into anchors. What you won't release
will eventually release you, maybe even brutally. What you won't
walk away from will drag you until you can't walk
(15:20):
at all. You don't lose by letting go, You lose
by refusing to let go. See the thing is, attachment
often feels like love, but unchecked attachment is more like
a chain. There's even science to back this up. Neuroscience
(15:41):
shows that our brains literally rewire around emotional pain. Holding
onto resentment, disappointment, or hope for change can activate the
same brain regions as physical pain. There's another zen story
that I love to. Two monks are walking on a beach.
(16:03):
They come across a woman who's actually drowning in the ocean.
One monk jumps into the ocean, swims out, picks her up,
and brings her back to shore. They make sure she's
okay and walk on forward. A few hours later, the
(16:24):
other monk asks the monk who jumped into the ocean,
my brother, Where monks we're not supposed to touch women let
alone carry them. How could you do that? The other
monk replied, I carried her to safety. I set her
down a few hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?
(16:50):
This story beautifully illustrates the idea that the longer you
carry something, the more it weighs you down, the more
it affects you. And so many of us look at
letting go like failure. We look at letting go like
we made some mistake. We look at letting go like
we're ruining something that actually letting go can be the
(17:12):
best path forward. So here's a really practical step. I
want to take. Write down one grudge, one disappointment or
fantasy your clinging to, and then ask yourself this, what
would happen if I set it down today? Imagine walking
lighter for just one hour, and act from that place.
(17:36):
Do the thought experiment you don't even have to do
in reality. Just think about it for a moment. If
you let it down, If you started applying for new
jobs today rather than complaining about your current one. If
you started to find new connections and friends instead of
comparing your life to your old ones. If you started
(17:58):
to allow yourself to let go of the expectations you
have of others, who would you be? I promise you
the answer is far better than you even imagine. And
if you're scared to do it in practice, practice it
first in your mind. The third lesson I wish I'd
(18:20):
learned sooner was talk about your relationship with the person
you're in a relationship with more than you talk to others.
I speak to so many people now. I know you've
done this before, and so have I. We all talk
about our relationships with other people. I'm not just talking
(18:42):
about romantic relationships, even our friendships. You have a friend
over here, you complain about them to this friend over here.
You have your partner over here, you compare them to
someone else's partner over there. You have an issue with
someone over here, you talk about the issue with someone
else who's not connected to the issue. No, I'm not
saying don't have friends. I'm not saying don't talk to
(19:03):
your family. It's great to get advice from a therapist
or a coach, or even people in your life. It's
about the proportion. Eighty percent of our life should be
talking to that person, and twenty percent is talking to others.
To get wise counseled, to get advice, to get insights.
It's a really healthy thing. The problem is our proportions
(19:26):
are the opposite. We may spend twenty percent speaking to
the person we have a relationship with, and that twenty
percent might be filled with arguments, conflict, tension, and then
we go and talk about it with someone else who
doesn't have the power to solve it. This will change
your life if you started to spend more time talking
(19:49):
with the person rather than talking at them. If you
could spend more time talking with your partner then talking
about your partner, your relationship will change. If you could
spend more time talking to your partner then talking about
your partner, your relationship will change. If you could spend
(20:13):
more time investing in connecting with your partner, then connecting
with other people talking about your partner, your relationship will change.
Talk about your relationship with the person you're in a
relationship with, not other people. Talk about your problems with
(20:35):
the person you have the problem with. Not just other people.
Talk about your needs with your partner, not your friends.
Talk about your doubts about your relationship with your partner,
not in group chats, talk about your pain with the
(20:56):
person you have the pain with, not without sych who
can't fix it. Nobody else knows your relationship like the
two of you do. Nobody else lives it and fights
for it like you do. Advice is easy, judgments are cheap,
but real change only happens between the two people who
(21:20):
are actually in it. When you vent to others instead
of speaking to your partner, you build walls instead of bridges.
When you gossip about your relationship, you invite people into
problems they don't belong to. When you keep taking your
issues everywhere apart from the person, you multiply the problem
(21:45):
instead of solving it. Connection doesn't grow from side conversations.
Trust doesn't grow from silence and resentment. Talk to them,
not about them. Now, look, I get it. Venting can
feel good in the short term. Brain imaging shows that
(22:06):
expressing anger activates the brain's reward system, but chronically venting
to friends instead of addressing issues directly creates emotional triangulation,
a pattern that often worsens problems instead of solving them.
There's a zen story that I love where a man
(22:26):
went to many neighbors to complain about his leaky roof.
Each of them gave advice Meanwhile, the leak worsened. Finally,
one wise neighbor said, talk to you a roof. In
other words, take action where it matters. It's great to
(22:47):
get advice, it's important to have a support system, but
don't forget the number one system is solving it with
the person. So here's today's practical habit. If something bothered
you about your relationship today, resist the urds to text
some random person. Instead, set a time to talk to
(23:07):
your partner. Share something you appreciate about them, Share where
you want the relationship to go, and then share with kindness,
concern and directness, how you want things to change, and
most importantly, what you're willing to change that will change
your relationship. I couldn't be more excited to share something
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(24:56):
wish I'd learned sooner. Was you understand who's someone is
when they're stressed, not just when they're at their best.
How many terms have you met someone and you meet
them at their best day. You meet them at their party,
you meet them at their event, you meet them when
they just got promoted. You meet them when everything's okay
and you literally think this person's amazing. I love them
(25:19):
right now. That's not a bad thing. We all have
good and bad days, and I'm not saying to judge
people on their bad days instead of their best days.
What I'm saying is, you don't really know who someone
is until you've seen them on a bad day. You
don't really know who someone is until you've seen them
(25:40):
in a bad mood. You don't really know who someone
is until someone's done something bad to them. It's in
those moments that you realize who someone truly is three
sixty degrees. So, rather than making just snap judgments on
when you meet someone in a great at a great time,
(26:02):
give yourself time to get to know them. Give yourself
time to see them in different scenarios. It's also not
just about good and bad. It's about seeing who someone
is when they're with their family. It's about seeing who
someone is when they're with their friends. It's about who's
seeing someone is with strangers. It's about how someone treats
the waiter. It's about how someone treats the dorman. It's
(26:26):
about how someone treats the person that they meet on
the street. When you've seen someone in all these scenarios,
you will have a healthier, deeper, more wholesome understanding of
who they truly are. Don't meet someone in one environment
and give it this amplified view that you assume that
(26:48):
they're that person in every environment. Don't meet someone in
one phase or stage of their life and assume they're
going to be that in every other stage. See, the
mind likes to make it easier to think, oh, I
know this person, I understand them. Well, here's the truth.
You understand who someone is when they're stressed, not just
(27:10):
when they're at their best. You truly understand who someone
is when they're overwhelmed. You truly understand who someone is
when things don't go their way. You truly understand who
someone is when they hear no. You truly understand who
(27:30):
someone is when they lose control, not when they have it.
Anyone can be kind when they're comfortable. Anyone can be
patient when they're winning. Anyone can be loving when everything
is easy. But real character shows up when patience runs thin.
(27:52):
Real loyalty shows up when you're not popular. Real respect
shows up when there's nothing to gain. What who blames?
What who lashes out? What you punishes, and what you
stays Gentle pressure doesn't create cracks. It exposes where they
(28:13):
already were. Pay attention to who someone becomes when the
easy parts fall away. That's who they are as well.
That's who you're dealing with. That's the truth you can't ignore.
I think this is a really hard truth. And we
like to think no, no, no, no, no, I know
(28:35):
them and they're everything. Of course they're everything. But pressure
shows us a person character isn't revealed when life is easy.
It's tested and exposed under pressure. Research from the University
of Oregon found that people's true traits emerge under stress
(28:58):
much more consistently than in calm conditions. Think about it.
Anyone can be kind when things are going well for them.
One of my favorite examples of all time is from
Wayne Dyer. He says, when you squeeze an orange, what
do you get? You get orange juice. You don't get
pineapple juice, you don't get coconut water. You get orange juice.
(29:21):
Because when something is squeezed you get what's within it,
You get what's inside. Some cracks reveal beauty, others reveal weakness. Now,
the goal isn't to walk away from someone because they
struggle with stress. The goal isn't to abandon someone who
struggles with challenges or feels overwhelmed. My point is you
(29:45):
just don't really know someone yet. So here's today's challenge
and habit and experiment that I want you to practice.
Notice how someone reacts to a small inconvenience, a traffic jam,
a late order, a mistake. Are they gentle or harsh
with themselves or with you? Are they patient or punishing
(30:09):
with themselves and with you? Take note without judgment, but
get clarity as to what you're getting involved in. Lesson
number five that I wish i'd learn sooner is you
don't get what you deserve. You get what you accept.
We hear this all the time. I think I deserve more,
(30:31):
I deserve more money, I deserve more love, I deserve
more respect. And we walk around sometimes internally feeling we're
not getting what we deserve. And guess what, You're right.
You're not getting what you deserve, You're getting what you accept.
No one's going to notice when you work harder at work.
(30:51):
If you don't make it clear, no one's going to
notice when you're putting effort into a relationship. Unless you
make it clear, no one's gonna know or remember the
sacrifices you've made until you stand up for yourself. Remember,
you don't get what you deserve. You get what you accept.
(31:15):
You don't get what you deserve. You get what you protect.
You don't get what you deserve. You get what you
settle for. You don't get what you deserve, you get
what you fight for. Deserve is a feeling. Acceptance is
a standard. Boundaries are protection. You can work hard and
(31:41):
still be overlooked. You can love deeply and still be mistreated.
You can give everything and still be taken for granted.
If you don't stand for yourself, no one else will.
If you don't protect your peace, no one else will.
(32:02):
If you don't guard your value, it will be discounted.
Respect is not given freely. It's enforced by your standards.
Love isn't enough, it's shaped by what you allow. Worth
isn't rewarded. It's protected every single day. You don't rise
(32:25):
by hoping, you rise by refusing to shrink. I know
it's a painful realization, but it's true. A twenty twenty
one study by the American Psychological Association found that individuals
who consistently tolerated small boundary violations with sixty two percent
(32:47):
more likely to end up in emotionally exhausting relationships sixty
two percent. Think about that, right, when we're accepting people
breaking our boundary, people not respecting our worth, we're just
taking him whatever it is, You're not going to get
what you deserve. I work at home wherever it doesn't
(33:10):
work that way. One of my favorite stories about this
is a story about a farmer who accepts that a
storm will come. He doesn't pray it away or deny it.
He just builds stronger walls. In a similar way, accepting
less than you need teaches others you will bend until
(33:33):
you break. Here's the habit I want to set for
you today. Think of one boundary you've been hesitant to enforce.
It could be late replies, canceled plans, jokes at your expense. Today,
calmly but clearly state your boundary once first to yourself,
(33:56):
and then when you're comfortable with someone else. Keep allowing
people to cancel plans last minute. Maybe you keep allowing
people to get away with saying things about you. Now
here's the thing. The reason why we fail at this
is we usually attack people. We don't set a boundary.
We attack people. We say, why do you treat me
(34:16):
like this? Don't do that. That's not a boundary. A
boundary is something you keep as a promise to yourself.
If someone does this again, I will not invite them again.
If someone talks to me that way again, I will
not respond to them. A boundary doesn't mean someone else
(34:38):
acts differently. A boundary means you act differently when that
person acts the same. You can't change how someone's gonna
treat you, So you have to set a boundary with
yourself for how you'll respond when they treat you that way.
If someone's mean to you once more, how you go
(35:00):
to set a boundary for yourself. That's what I want
you to focus on. Lesson Number six I wish i'd
learned sooner is some people love the old version of
you because they could control them. This is a really
harsh truth. How many times have you ever had someone
who's like I missed the old you. You always had time?
(35:21):
What they're saying is you always had time for me.
How many times have you had someone say to you,
oh my gosh, I loved who you were in like
twenty twenty two, like you were so much fun. What
are they saying? You were so much fun for me?
Someone says, oh my gosh, remember back in the day
when you just come over and we just cooked together
(35:41):
and we'd figure it out. What they're saying is that
was convenient for me. Some people love the old version
of you because they could control them. Some people love
the old version of you because they don't want to grow.
Some people love the old version of you because it
made them feel bigger. Some people love the old version
(36:03):
of you because it kept them comfortable. Some people love
the old version of you because it made their lives easier,
not better. They don't miss you. They missed the version
of you who stayed small. They don't miss you. They
missed the version of you who didn't set boundaries. They
(36:26):
don't miss you. They missed the version of you who
needed their approval. When you outgrow the old version of yourself,
you outgrow the people who needed you to stay there.
When you heal, you disrupt the systems that benefited from
(36:46):
your wounds. When you rise, you reveal who was rooting
for your survival, not your success. Don't shrink to fit
into old spaces. Don't bend to make old relationships easier.
Don't apologize for becoming someone new. If they can only
(37:07):
love the unhealed, unsure, controlled version of you, they don't
love you. They love your compliance. This is probably the
hardest one to learn, because we feel bad. We wish
we could still be that person, but we know we're not.
We're more organized, we're more focused, we have more commitments,
we have more priorities, and that person wants us to
(37:29):
be available around just be there all the time. See
science backs this up growth threatens those who benefited from
your smallness. A twenty twenty two survey showed fifty eight
percent of people admit they felt uncomfortable when a close
friend or partner leveled up in their life. It's not
(37:52):
always malice. It's not like they want you to fail.
It's not negative. It's fear. We're scared because it reminds
us of our lack of growth. And so what I'm
saying to you is you don't have to shrink back
into that version to compensate. Actually, what's more likely is
if you keep growing, they may one day too, Not
(38:13):
if you're trying to convince them. Not if you're trying
to make them grow just by watching you fly, they
may one day choose to fly as well. So here's
my habit for you today. Write down one way you've
changed for the better in the last twelve months. Celebrate
it privately, or share it proudly without apologizing. Lesson number
(38:35):
seven I wish i'd learned sooner is I'm just bad
at texting is code for you're not a priority. I
used to always want to convince people, even if they
didn't message back, even if they didn't respond, I always
wanted to stay connected, only to realize they didn't really
want to connect with me. And while I was trying
(38:55):
to do that, I was missing out on the group
of people here who really did. I was ignored and
a group of people who wanted to connect believe in me,
support me for a group of people who showed no
signs of it. I promise you there is more love
in your life than you even recognize because you're looking
in the wrong direction. I promise you there are more
(39:15):
people who want to be friends with you than you
realize because you're trying to be friends with someone else.
I promise you, there are so many people who would
want to spend time with you, but you're missing out
on them because you're trying to chase someone else. Read
the signs. You don't need to become a conspiracy theorist.
(39:37):
Most of the time. Again, it's not malice, it's not negative.
People just have different priorities. Don't make it to be
like some conspiracy theory that you got left out, you
got let go, you didn't get invited. You just don't click.
It just doesn't work, and it's not a big deal.
There are people out there who want to click with you,
connect with you, Invite you. Remember that. Read in between
(40:02):
the lines. I'm just bad at texting is code for
You're not a priority. I'm confused about what I want.
Is code for I'm sure I don't want you enough.
I'm bad at communicating. Is code for I'm not willing
to put in the effort with you. I don't know
(40:22):
what I'm looking for. Is code for I'm keeping my
options open. I'm just focusing on myself right now. Is
code for I don't see a future with you. I'm
not ready for anything serious is code for I'm ready,
just not with you. People make time for what they
(40:45):
care about. People make effort for who they value. People
show up for who they want. Excuses are translations. Listen
to what they're really saying saying, and protect your energy.
Believe the patterns, not the promises. Actions are the only
(41:09):
real language you can trust. Consistent communication is a choice,
not a personality trait. Research from the Pew Research Center
shows that eighteen nine percent of people aged eighteen to
forty nine check their phones multiple times an hour. If
someone wanted to reach out, they could. It's really important
(41:29):
to remember that. So here's the habit. If you're chasing
someone's attention, pause, notice who freely reaches out to you
today without prompting, and give your energy back in that direction.
Thank you so much for tuning in today. I hope
this episode helps you learn these lessons, clear your mind,
(41:52):
and deepen your relationships. Remember I'm not saying anyone who
treats you this way is bad, negative, or a horrible person.
It's just important to get really clear and not have
the conspiracy arch over our mindsets. Make sure you subscribe
and make sure you don't miss out on another video
or another episode with on Purpose. If you love this episode,
(42:15):
you'll love my interview with doctor Gable Matte on understanding
your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start
moving on from the past. Everything in nature goes only
where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't go where it's
hard and thick, does it. It goes where it's soft and
green and vulnerable.
Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward, Slash Tour and get
yours today. We're taught so many things early in our
(00:47):
life that we never use again. Think about the subjects
you learned at school. What percentage of the subjects you
studied at school do you practically use today. I'm guessing
that percentage is quite low. But the skills I'm about
to share with you today, if we had learned them
that early, they would have benefited us forever. It's incredible
(01:11):
to me that no one's sharing these insights that often
we don't hear them as the best pieces of advice.
This isn't what we're being told. It's something that you
have to read in between the lines to actually extract
and implement in your life. The number one health and
wellness podcast Jay Sheety, Jay Sheddy Ly j Hei Everyone,
(01:39):
Thank you so much for tuning in today about the
seven lessons I wish I had learned sooner. Truly, these
are seven lessons I wish I learned in my twenties,
even in my teens, and I think they would have
changed my life. They would have changed the quality of
my relationships. They would have changed my performance at work.
(01:59):
They would have changed how quickly I found my purpose. Now,
if any of you out there are struggling with making
an impact, if you're struggling with your mind, if you're
struggling with anxiety or stress, this episode is for you.
But before we dive in, I want to ask you
a simple, simple request. It would mean the world to
(02:22):
me if you would subscribe to this channel every single
week For years, I've been creating content to serve you,
to help you, to support you, and I know that
you're the type of person that would love to be
a part of this community. When you click subscribe, you're
not just subscribing to a channel. You're actually committing to
a journey of growth, transformation, and service. And you're allowing
(02:46):
me and my team to continue to do this work,
which we can't wait to keep giving. So thank you
so much. Collect that subscribe button. So let's dive straight in.
The reason why the lessons I'm about to share with
you today are so powerful and so important is that
they're often missed. We're taught so many things early in
(03:09):
our life that we never use again. Think about the
subjects you learned at school. What percentage of the subjects
you studied at school do you practically use today. I'm
guessing that percentage is quite low. But the skills I'm
about to share with you today, if we had learned
them that early, they would have benefited us forever. It's
(03:32):
incredible to me that no one's sharing these insights that
often we don't hear them as the best pieces of advice.
This isn't what we're being told. It's something that you
have to read in between the lines to actually extract
and implement in your life. I hope you have your
note pad out if you don't worry We'll be summarizing
(03:56):
this as we go along, and you'll be able to
come back any point to grab the insight that you missed.
Feel free to pause, play, rewind, fast forward as you will,
because I want to make sure that this message lands.
The first lesson I wish i'd learn sooner is the
(04:18):
less you say, the more your words will matter. I
always used to think that the loudest person in a
room had the most power, that the person who taught
the most had the most control, until I realized the
person who spoke the most was the least in control.
(04:40):
They were trying to come across as likable, they were
trying to be popular, and in that attempt, they were
actually making it harder for them to be memorable. It
was hard to be interesting for a thirty minute conversation,
and talk for twenty minutes of it. It was really
difficult to be memorable when you said so many things
(05:03):
but no one remembered what you exactly said. It felt
really uncomfortable to be quiet, but every time you kept
trying to interject and say something, you felt even less
confident because you didn't have anything meaningful to say. This principle,
this lesson, will change your life. The first thing it
(05:25):
will do is it will stop you from being anxious
in social settings. The number of us that walk into
a social setting and try to come off as interesting
and important, only to leave feeling insignificant and irrelevant to
the conversation. If you realize that being silent is not
(05:46):
a weakness, being silent is a strength. Why because you
can listen. It means when you respond, people will also
be able to tell that you took in what they say. See,
most of us are struggling not because we don't listen,
but because we're thinking about what we want to say
(06:07):
while we're listening. Because of that, we don't even digest
what someone is sharing. So when we open our mouth,
that person feels disconnected and distant. So firstly, it will
remove that anxiety and nervousness when you're at a party,
a social setting, a work event, whatever it may be.
(06:29):
The second thing is you get the opportunity to be interested,
which is even more important than being interesting. People love
to share and answer great questions. When you get good
at asking good questions, people feel good, they react in
(06:50):
a good way. They appreciate it. Now most of us,
when we ask questions, we ask things like how is
your day? That person has been ask that for so
many years in their life that they have a rehearsed,
regurgitated answer something like good, fine, okay, blah. Right now,
(07:12):
you may be a little more bold and talk about
the weather. That's boring too. That person has been asked
about the weather for years now. You may have heard
let's ask someone what's exciting for them? That can sometimes
feel quite challenging for that person. Here's what I'm gonna
share with you. If you're going to ask something, share
(07:35):
your thoughts on it. First, say I've been watching this
really cool TV show. What's your thoughts on it? Have
you seen it? They go no, I haven't seen it,
and they say, tell me about it. Now, you've actually
been asked to share. A lot of us say so
much when we're not asked. Unsolicited advice and unsolicited conversation
(07:55):
is potentially the hardest to hold someone's attention with. When
someone asks you a question and you respond, that keeps
their attention. When you talk without letting someone else get involved,
we actually lose their attention. The less you say, the
more your words will matter. The less you complain, the
(08:20):
more people will listen. The less you react, the more
control you hold. The less you argue, the more dignity
you keep, the less you chase, the more you attract,
The less you speak from emotion, the more weight your
(08:41):
words carry, the less you overcompensate, the more people understand
you less, noise, more impact less, chatter, more respect less,
explaining more commanding, speak less and mean more. When you
(09:04):
walk into a room and you just start complaining about
your day, complaining about your journey, complaining about the travel,
complaining about your weekend, what does that do? It puts
everyone into a negative space and negative environment. They now
connect you and associate you with negative emotions. Even if
(09:27):
they say I agree, I'm sorry you went through that,
I'm sorry to hear it. You have now created a
contagious space for negativity. Save that complaining for a friend
you can vent to save that complaining for someone who
shares the same with you. When you're walking into the workplace,
(09:49):
when you're walking into a family event, walk in and
share something amazing that happened to you, something that you're
grateful for are to someone else, what was the most
memorable part of their week, something beautiful that happened to them.
All of a sudden, you're going to kickstart a chain
reaction of positive events. In today's world of endless chatter,
(10:12):
it's easy to believe more words mean more connection, but
studies showed the opposite. According to a twenty fourteen Harvard study,
people remember only seventeen to twenty five percent of what
they hear in conversations. Flood someone with words, and your
(10:34):
meaning gets lost like a drop in a nocean. Wise
communicators know brevity creates impact. In zen teachings, a story
tells of a student who asked his master for the
secret of wisdom. A student went up to his teacher
(10:54):
and asked, what is the secret of wisdom? The teacher
simply replied, listen. The student asked again, what is the
secret of wisdom? The teacher applied listen. Frustrated, the student
(11:16):
demanded more explanation, to which the teacher applied, if you listened,
you wouldn't need more words. This is one of my
favorite stories because it shows us that, rather than thinking
about what we're going to say, what we're thinking evaluating,
(11:37):
if we simply listened, paused, and responded, we'd actually have
something meaningful to say. The reason you don't have something
meaningful to say is because you haven't listened. We don't
listen because we're scared of the gap between listening and responding.
(11:59):
But actually, if you listen and you take that time,
what you say will have more value, more impact, and
it's more likely to be remembered. So here's a habit,
a practical habit I want to share with you before
your next conversation, Ask yourself, what is the essential message
(12:20):
I want them to remember. Say it clearly in one
or two sentences. So when you walk into a conversation,
make it really clear to yourself what is it I
want to communicate. What is the essence of what I
actually want to share? What do I want to embody?
And let your silence add weight to your words. The
(12:41):
second lesson I wish i'd learned sooner is let go
or be dragged. Think about this. When you don't let
go of something, it doesn't stop, It doesn't pause. If
you don't let go of a person, they don't stop changing.
If you don't let go of a person, they don't
(13:04):
stop living. If you don't let go of a person,
they don't stop doing whatever it is they're doing. Sometimes
the only way to strengthen your own relationship with yourself
is to disconnect and let go of someone else. Think
about all the times in your life where you were
so attracted to someone you just kept pursuing them. What happened?
(13:29):
You didn't let go, and you felt dragged along. What
about when there was someone that you were dating and
maybe they gave you all the signs, you saw, all
the red flags that this person wasn't right for you.
But what did you do. You didn't let go, and
so you were dragged. And what about that friend who
(13:50):
kept manipulating you, kept taking advantage of you, took you
for granted, and you didn't let go, so you got tragged.
It's much better when we voluntarily early on let go,
rather than get dragged throughout our life along with this
(14:13):
person wherever they're going in whichever direction. Let go or
be dragged, Let go or be left behind. Let go,
or be broken by what you're clinging to. Let go
or be crushed under the weight of what's gone. Let go,
(14:34):
or lose yourself trying to hold what's already slipping away.
Let go, or stay trapped in a life that no
longer fits you. Clutching what hurts you doesn't save you.
It sinks you. Clinging to what's over doesn't preserve it, It
(14:57):
poisons you. Holding on too long turns love into resentment,
hope into suffering, memories into anchors. What you won't release
will eventually release you, maybe even brutally. What you won't
walk away from will drag you until you can't walk
(15:20):
at all. You don't lose by letting go, You lose
by refusing to let go. See the thing is, attachment
often feels like love, but unchecked attachment is more like
a chain. There's even science to back this up. Neuroscience
(15:41):
shows that our brains literally rewire around emotional pain. Holding
onto resentment, disappointment, or hope for change can activate the
same brain regions as physical pain. There's another zen story
that I love to. Two monks are walking on a beach.
(16:03):
They come across a woman who's actually drowning in the ocean.
One monk jumps into the ocean, swims out, picks her up,
and brings her back to shore. They make sure she's
okay and walk on forward. A few hours later, the
(16:24):
other monk asks the monk who jumped into the ocean,
my brother, Where monks we're not supposed to touch women let
alone carry them. How could you do that? The other
monk replied, I carried her to safety. I set her
down a few hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?
(16:50):
This story beautifully illustrates the idea that the longer you
carry something, the more it weighs you down, the more
it affects you. And so many of us look at
letting go like failure. We look at letting go like
we made some mistake. We look at letting go like
we're ruining something that actually letting go can be the
(17:12):
best path forward. So here's a really practical step. I
want to take. Write down one grudge, one disappointment or
fantasy your clinging to, and then ask yourself this, what
would happen if I set it down today? Imagine walking
lighter for just one hour, and act from that place.
(17:36):
Do the thought experiment you don't even have to do
in reality. Just think about it for a moment. If
you let it down, If you started applying for new
jobs today rather than complaining about your current one. If
you started to find new connections and friends instead of
comparing your life to your old ones. If you started
(17:58):
to allow yourself to let go of the expectations you
have of others, who would you be? I promise you
the answer is far better than you even imagine. And
if you're scared to do it in practice, practice it
first in your mind. The third lesson I wish I'd
(18:20):
learned sooner was talk about your relationship with the person
you're in a relationship with more than you talk to others.
I speak to so many people now. I know you've
done this before, and so have I. We all talk
about our relationships with other people. I'm not just talking
(18:42):
about romantic relationships, even our friendships. You have a friend
over here, you complain about them to this friend over here.
You have your partner over here, you compare them to
someone else's partner over there. You have an issue with
someone over here, you talk about the issue with someone
else who's not connected to the issue. No, I'm not
saying don't have friends. I'm not saying don't talk to
(19:03):
your family. It's great to get advice from a therapist
or a coach, or even people in your life. It's
about the proportion. Eighty percent of our life should be
talking to that person, and twenty percent is talking to others.
To get wise counseled, to get advice, to get insights.
It's a really healthy thing. The problem is our proportions
(19:26):
are the opposite. We may spend twenty percent speaking to
the person we have a relationship with, and that twenty
percent might be filled with arguments, conflict, tension, and then
we go and talk about it with someone else who
doesn't have the power to solve it. This will change
your life if you started to spend more time talking
(19:49):
with the person rather than talking at them. If you
could spend more time talking with your partner then talking
about your partner, your relationship will change. If you could
spend more time talking to your partner then talking about
your partner, your relationship will change. If you could spend
(20:13):
more time investing in connecting with your partner, then connecting
with other people talking about your partner, your relationship will change.
Talk about your relationship with the person you're in a
relationship with, not other people. Talk about your problems with
(20:35):
the person you have the problem with. Not just other people.
Talk about your needs with your partner, not your friends.
Talk about your doubts about your relationship with your partner,
not in group chats, talk about your pain with the
(20:56):
person you have the pain with, not without sych who
can't fix it. Nobody else knows your relationship like the
two of you do. Nobody else lives it and fights
for it like you do. Advice is easy, judgments are cheap,
but real change only happens between the two people who
(21:20):
are actually in it. When you vent to others instead
of speaking to your partner, you build walls instead of bridges.
When you gossip about your relationship, you invite people into
problems they don't belong to. When you keep taking your
issues everywhere apart from the person, you multiply the problem
(21:45):
instead of solving it. Connection doesn't grow from side conversations.
Trust doesn't grow from silence and resentment. Talk to them,
not about them. Now, look, I get it. Venting can
feel good in the short term. Brain imaging shows that
(22:06):
expressing anger activates the brain's reward system, but chronically venting
to friends instead of addressing issues directly creates emotional triangulation,
a pattern that often worsens problems instead of solving them.
There's a zen story that I love where a man
(22:26):
went to many neighbors to complain about his leaky roof.
Each of them gave advice Meanwhile, the leak worsened. Finally,
one wise neighbor said, talk to you a roof. In
other words, take action where it matters. It's great to
(22:47):
get advice, it's important to have a support system, but
don't forget the number one system is solving it with
the person. So here's today's practical habit. If something bothered
you about your relationship today, resist the urds to text
some random person. Instead, set a time to talk to
(23:07):
your partner. Share something you appreciate about them, Share where
you want the relationship to go, and then share with kindness,
concern and directness, how you want things to change, and
most importantly, what you're willing to change that will change
your relationship. I couldn't be more excited to share something
(23:30):
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sure you use the code on purpose Lesson four, I
(24:56):
wish I'd learned sooner. Was you understand who's someone is
when they're stressed, not just when they're at their best.
How many terms have you met someone and you meet
them at their best day. You meet them at their party,
you meet them at their event, you meet them when
they just got promoted. You meet them when everything's okay
and you literally think this person's amazing. I love them
(25:19):
right now. That's not a bad thing. We all have
good and bad days, and I'm not saying to judge
people on their bad days instead of their best days.
What I'm saying is, you don't really know who someone
is until you've seen them on a bad day. You
don't really know who someone is until you've seen them
(25:40):
in a bad mood. You don't really know who someone
is until someone's done something bad to them. It's in
those moments that you realize who someone truly is three
sixty degrees. So, rather than making just snap judgments on
when you meet someone in a great at a great time,
(26:02):
give yourself time to get to know them. Give yourself
time to see them in different scenarios. It's also not
just about good and bad. It's about seeing who someone
is when they're with their family. It's about seeing who
someone is when they're with their friends. It's about who's
seeing someone is with strangers. It's about how someone treats
the waiter. It's about how someone treats the dorman. It's
(26:26):
about how someone treats the person that they meet on
the street. When you've seen someone in all these scenarios,
you will have a healthier, deeper, more wholesome understanding of
who they truly are. Don't meet someone in one environment
and give it this amplified view that you assume that
(26:48):
they're that person in every environment. Don't meet someone in
one phase or stage of their life and assume they're
going to be that in every other stage. See, the
mind likes to make it easier to think, oh, I
know this person, I understand them. Well, here's the truth.
You understand who someone is when they're stressed, not just
(27:10):
when they're at their best. You truly understand who someone
is when they're overwhelmed. You truly understand who someone is
when things don't go their way. You truly understand who
someone is when they hear no. You truly understand who
(27:30):
someone is when they lose control, not when they have it.
Anyone can be kind when they're comfortable. Anyone can be
patient when they're winning. Anyone can be loving when everything
is easy. But real character shows up when patience runs thin.
(27:52):
Real loyalty shows up when you're not popular. Real respect
shows up when there's nothing to gain. What who blames?
What who lashes out? What you punishes, and what you
stays Gentle pressure doesn't create cracks. It exposes where they
(28:13):
already were. Pay attention to who someone becomes when the
easy parts fall away. That's who they are as well.
That's who you're dealing with. That's the truth you can't ignore.
I think this is a really hard truth. And we
like to think no, no, no, no, no, I know
(28:35):
them and they're everything. Of course they're everything. But pressure
shows us a person character isn't revealed when life is easy.
It's tested and exposed under pressure. Research from the University
of Oregon found that people's true traits emerge under stress
(28:58):
much more consistently than in calm conditions. Think about it.
Anyone can be kind when things are going well for them.
One of my favorite examples of all time is from
Wayne Dyer. He says, when you squeeze an orange, what
do you get? You get orange juice. You don't get
pineapple juice, you don't get coconut water. You get orange juice.
(29:21):
Because when something is squeezed you get what's within it,
You get what's inside. Some cracks reveal beauty, others reveal weakness. Now,
the goal isn't to walk away from someone because they
struggle with stress. The goal isn't to abandon someone who
struggles with challenges or feels overwhelmed. My point is you
(29:45):
just don't really know someone yet. So here's today's challenge
and habit and experiment that I want you to practice.
Notice how someone reacts to a small inconvenience, a traffic jam,
a late order, a mistake. Are they gentle or harsh
with themselves or with you? Are they patient or punishing
(30:09):
with themselves and with you? Take note without judgment, but
get clarity as to what you're getting involved in. Lesson
number five that I wish i'd learn sooner is you
don't get what you deserve. You get what you accept.
We hear this all the time. I think I deserve more,
(30:31):
I deserve more money, I deserve more love, I deserve
more respect. And we walk around sometimes internally feeling we're
not getting what we deserve. And guess what, You're right.
You're not getting what you deserve, You're getting what you accept.
No one's going to notice when you work harder at work.
(30:51):
If you don't make it clear, no one's going to
notice when you're putting effort into a relationship. Unless you
make it clear, no one's gonna know or remember the
sacrifices you've made until you stand up for yourself. Remember,
you don't get what you deserve. You get what you accept.
(31:15):
You don't get what you deserve. You get what you protect.
You don't get what you deserve. You get what you
settle for. You don't get what you deserve, you get
what you fight for. Deserve is a feeling. Acceptance is
a standard. Boundaries are protection. You can work hard and
(31:41):
still be overlooked. You can love deeply and still be mistreated.
You can give everything and still be taken for granted.
If you don't stand for yourself, no one else will.
If you don't protect your peace, no one else will.
(32:02):
If you don't guard your value, it will be discounted.
Respect is not given freely. It's enforced by your standards.
Love isn't enough, it's shaped by what you allow. Worth
isn't rewarded. It's protected every single day. You don't rise
(32:25):
by hoping, you rise by refusing to shrink. I know
it's a painful realization, but it's true. A twenty twenty
one study by the American Psychological Association found that individuals
who consistently tolerated small boundary violations with sixty two percent
(32:47):
more likely to end up in emotionally exhausting relationships sixty
two percent. Think about that, right, when we're accepting people
breaking our boundary, people not respecting our worth, we're just
taking him whatever it is, You're not going to get
what you deserve. I work at home wherever it doesn't
(33:10):
work that way. One of my favorite stories about this
is a story about a farmer who accepts that a
storm will come. He doesn't pray it away or deny it.
He just builds stronger walls. In a similar way, accepting
less than you need teaches others you will bend until
(33:33):
you break. Here's the habit I want to set for
you today. Think of one boundary you've been hesitant to enforce.
It could be late replies, canceled plans, jokes at your expense. Today,
calmly but clearly state your boundary once first to yourself,
(33:56):
and then when you're comfortable with someone else. Keep allowing
people to cancel plans last minute. Maybe you keep allowing
people to get away with saying things about you. Now
here's the thing. The reason why we fail at this
is we usually attack people. We don't set a boundary.
We attack people. We say, why do you treat me
(34:16):
like this? Don't do that. That's not a boundary. A
boundary is something you keep as a promise to yourself.
If someone does this again, I will not invite them again.
If someone talks to me that way again, I will
not respond to them. A boundary doesn't mean someone else
(34:38):
acts differently. A boundary means you act differently when that
person acts the same. You can't change how someone's gonna
treat you, So you have to set a boundary with
yourself for how you'll respond when they treat you that way.
If someone's mean to you once more, how you go
(35:00):
to set a boundary for yourself. That's what I want
you to focus on. Lesson Number six I wish i'd
learned sooner is some people love the old version of
you because they could control them. This is a really
harsh truth. How many times have you ever had someone
who's like I missed the old you. You always had time?
(35:21):
What they're saying is you always had time for me.
How many times have you had someone say to you,
oh my gosh, I loved who you were in like
twenty twenty two, like you were so much fun. What
are they saying? You were so much fun for me?
Someone says, oh my gosh, remember back in the day
when you just come over and we just cooked together
(35:41):
and we'd figure it out. What they're saying is that
was convenient for me. Some people love the old version
of you because they could control them. Some people love
the old version of you because they don't want to grow.
Some people love the old version of you because it
made them feel bigger. Some people love the old version
(36:03):
of you because it kept them comfortable. Some people love
the old version of you because it made their lives easier,
not better. They don't miss you. They missed the version
of you who stayed small. They don't miss you. They
missed the version of you who didn't set boundaries. They
(36:26):
don't miss you. They missed the version of you who
needed their approval. When you outgrow the old version of yourself,
you outgrow the people who needed you to stay there.
When you heal, you disrupt the systems that benefited from
(36:46):
your wounds. When you rise, you reveal who was rooting
for your survival, not your success. Don't shrink to fit
into old spaces. Don't bend to make old relationships easier.
Don't apologize for becoming someone new. If they can only
(37:07):
love the unhealed, unsure, controlled version of you, they don't
love you. They love your compliance. This is probably the
hardest one to learn, because we feel bad. We wish
we could still be that person, but we know we're not.
We're more organized, we're more focused, we have more commitments,
we have more priorities, and that person wants us to
(37:29):
be available around just be there all the time. See
science backs this up growth threatens those who benefited from
your smallness. A twenty twenty two survey showed fifty eight
percent of people admit they felt uncomfortable when a close
friend or partner leveled up in their life. It's not
(37:52):
always malice. It's not like they want you to fail.
It's not negative. It's fear. We're scared because it reminds
us of our lack of growth. And so what I'm
saying to you is you don't have to shrink back
into that version to compensate. Actually, what's more likely is
if you keep growing, they may one day too, Not
(38:13):
if you're trying to convince them. Not if you're trying
to make them grow just by watching you fly, they
may one day choose to fly as well. So here's
my habit for you today. Write down one way you've
changed for the better in the last twelve months. Celebrate
it privately, or share it proudly without apologizing. Lesson number
(38:35):
seven I wish i'd learned sooner is I'm just bad
at texting is code for you're not a priority. I
used to always want to convince people, even if they
didn't message back, even if they didn't respond, I always
wanted to stay connected, only to realize they didn't really
want to connect with me. And while I was trying
(38:55):
to do that, I was missing out on the group
of people here who really did. I was ignored and
a group of people who wanted to connect believe in me,
support me for a group of people who showed no
signs of it. I promise you there is more love
in your life than you even recognize because you're looking
in the wrong direction. I promise you there are more
(39:15):
people who want to be friends with you than you
realize because you're trying to be friends with someone else.
I promise you, there are so many people who would
want to spend time with you, but you're missing out
on them because you're trying to chase someone else. Read
the signs. You don't need to become a conspiracy theorist.
(39:37):
Most of the time. Again, it's not malice, it's not negative.
People just have different priorities. Don't make it to be
like some conspiracy theory that you got left out, you
got let go, you didn't get invited. You just don't click.
It just doesn't work, and it's not a big deal.
There are people out there who want to click with you,
connect with you, Invite you. Remember that. Read in between
(40:02):
the lines. I'm just bad at texting is code for
You're not a priority. I'm confused about what I want.
Is code for I'm sure I don't want you enough.
I'm bad at communicating. Is code for I'm not willing
to put in the effort with you. I don't know
(40:22):
what I'm looking for. Is code for I'm keeping my
options open. I'm just focusing on myself right now. Is
code for I don't see a future with you. I'm
not ready for anything serious is code for I'm ready,
just not with you. People make time for what they
(40:45):
care about. People make effort for who they value. People
show up for who they want. Excuses are translations. Listen
to what they're really saying saying, and protect your energy.
Believe the patterns, not the promises. Actions are the only
(41:09):
real language you can trust. Consistent communication is a choice,
not a personality trait. Research from the Pew Research Center
shows that eighteen nine percent of people aged eighteen to
forty nine check their phones multiple times an hour. If
someone wanted to reach out, they could. It's really important
(41:29):
to remember that. So here's the habit. If you're chasing
someone's attention, pause, notice who freely reaches out to you
today without prompting, and give your energy back in that direction.
Thank you so much for tuning in today. I hope
this episode helps you learn these lessons, clear your mind,
(41:52):
and deepen your relationships. Remember I'm not saying anyone who
treats you this way is bad, negative, or a horrible person.
It's just important to get really clear and not have
the conspiracy arch over our mindsets. Make sure you subscribe
and make sure you don't miss out on another video
or another episode with on Purpose. If you love this episode,
(42:15):
you'll love my interview with doctor Gable Matte on understanding
your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start
moving on from the past. Everything in nature goes only
where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't go where it's
hard and thick, does it. It goes where it's soft and
green and vulnerable.
Host
Jay Shetty
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