What’s the hardest part about being a parent?
How do you balance discipline and love while navigating the ever-evolving complexities of raising children?
In this special compilation episode, we explore the meaningful lessons, struggles, and joys of parenting. Jay Shetty and his guests share wisdom on how to nurture strong family bonds, create a positive environment for growth, and raise children with confidence and resilience.
From setting healthy boundaries to leading with love and patience, each guest offers practical insights that will help parents navigate the ups and downs of raising children. Whether you're a new parent, an experienced caregiver, or just seeking a deeper understanding of parent-child relationships, this episode is packed with valuable insights.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Build Deep, Lasting Connections with Your Kids
The Importance of Setting Healthy Boundaries in Parenting
How to Lead with Love While Teaching Discipline
Ways to Foster Emotional Resilience in Children
The Power of Modeling the Behavior You Want to See
Parenting is both one of life’s greatest responsibilities and its most rewarding joys. By approaching the journey with intention, patience, and love, you lay the foundation for a strong and thriving family
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:13 Is Discipline About Punishment or Teaching?
11:06 Are You Spending Enough Uninterrupted Time With Your Kids?
19:27 How To Overcome and Find Balance Between Career and Family
26:03 Teaching Your Kids Resilience and Self-Worth
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The number one health and wellness podcast, Say Set Jay Set.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Studies show that a child's emotional intelligence and resilience is
strongly shaped by their parents' approach to discipline and communication,
But with so much parenting advice out there, it can
be hard to know what really works. We're judged in
(00:24):
many roles in our lives, but it seems we're judge
the most in our roles as parents. There's no handbook
to parenting, yet we're expected to never make any mistakes.
Parenting is fulfilling, but challenging. Every stage comes with new lessons.
Today's guests bring different perspectives, psychologists, experienced parents, and public
(00:47):
figures balancing family with busy careers. Let's start with one
of the biggest parenting struggles, discipline. Discipline is about teaching,
not punishing. It's so important that we know how to
set boundaries in a way that builds confidence, not fear.
It's important that we create a safe, supportive environment where
(01:09):
kids can learn from mistakes. Doctor Eliza Pressman will be
talking about how discipline is about teaching, not punishing.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
I feel like discipline is so controversial, but I think
of it as all feelings are welcome, All behaviors are
not so if I had to sum it up, and
I think we do think of discipline as punishment versus teaching,
and it's teaching because it actually influences your growth and development.
It's not just for my entertainment. Then your kids trust
(01:38):
you a little bit more and the relationship is stronger.
But I think the key with discipline is not being
afraid of how our kids react to it, and having
the strength of purpose and belief that if they do
have a negative reaction to it, we can love them
all the way through it, but we're not going to
change our minds about it. Because that's where it gets messy,
(02:02):
is that if we're talking all about how important the
relationship is and then you have this limit that you set,
like this is my expectation of you, and your child
doesn't like it this simply like you know, I take
the phone away at night or the iPad or whatever,
and your child is freaking out about it. Then you go, well,
now I've messed with the relationship, and so I guess
(02:25):
I should. They're crying and I need to get back
in there, So okay, I'll give you more time or
whatever it is. And that's where we get confused. I
think if parents really understood that feelings aren't dangerous, that
kids aren't going to say thank you for the boundaries
and limits that we set, and that we set them
with the intention of physical and emotional safety about not
(02:47):
just them but other people. Like we're not just raising
kids in a vacuum. They have to move through the
world and think about community and other humans, and so
what's comfortable for them might not be thoughtful to other people.
And so it's that balance between be there for yourself
but also not to the extent that you can't you
(03:07):
know that you're entitled and don't respect that there are
other people in the world. I mean, there's three kind
of parenting styles outside of neglectful, which is not you know,
that's a whole other thing. But there's like the permissive,
which is best friend parenting, and it is so sensitive.
They do like you and you can play as many
video games as you want and all that's great, except
for it you have no nobody's steering the ship, and
(03:30):
so it actually can lead to anxiety and depression and
a sense that you are too responsible for things. And
the other side of it is authoritarian, where it's fear
based and it's just rules and it's just because I
said so, but without the like, I know you really
love doing this, and I wouldn't stop you from doing
it if I didn't know that it was better for
your brain or whatever. So that's the middle path of
(03:54):
like authoritative where you're sensitive but you stick with your
limits and boundaries because you know that that's going to
benefit your kids. Even when you have limits and rules,
you want your kids to know, as you're describing your mom,
that they have you, so if you do mess up,
you can still go to them instead of being terrified.
(04:17):
And so that's this weird thing where it's like, here
are my expectations. Also, I want to name the fact
that you're going to blow it sometimes, and I want
to be the person you come to, and that's something
to say, not when they're struggling. And I think part
of the reason why it's hard to get kids to
open up is because we try to get in there
when they're in the center of the struggle instead of
(04:39):
like building the vocabulary and connection outside of it. So
you have the conversations and you give the language when
nobody's in the heat of the moment, so that when
the heat of the moment comes, they already know that
they can come to you and you can just say
to them, I can tell something's going on, I'm here
(05:00):
ever or if ever, and then just leave space. A
lot of times doing something with a kid who's not
opening up, like going for a drive even so that
you're not looking at each other. And you know, I
can't think of any sport right now because I'm not
super sporty, but you know, like playing I'm like, what is.
Speaker 4 (05:22):
It called when one does a game with someone?
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Now?
Speaker 4 (05:25):
Thank you? So you go play pickleball. You're playing pickleball.
It's going to come up.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
But you want to just like put little tiny moments
where you say, I'm askable, I'm tellable, and I'm not
going to say anything. And one of the things that
helps is that when your kids do tell you something,
you say thank you for telling me before you have
any other reaction, and that may be your only reaction,
(05:53):
and then you give them a little space and then
you say, is there anything I can do with younger kids?
You want to be This is going to sound ridiculous
if you don't think about animals this way, but I do,
So tell me if it resonates, but you kind of
want to be a dog. You're wagging your tail when
you're excited to see them. You're always there and you're
like really enthusiastic, and they need that. But then as
(06:15):
they get older, imagine you're eleven to twenty five year
old self, you need to be a cat. So you're
like a little You're there, you're always around, you're not
you might you're touching their feet, like you're not overly
on top of them. But if they're interested, they can
(06:36):
come to you, but you're not going anywhere. So it's
like it's this safe thing where you're there for them,
but it's it's not so intense. And then they have
the opportunity to open up a little bit, and when
they do, you don't pounce like a dog. You stay
a cat who's like welcoming the information, but not you know, saying,
(06:58):
oh my god. And then you know, because you don't
want your kids to think you can't handle my truth,
so I'm not you're not the person to tell.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, And I feel that's the hardest time to be
the cat, because you're scared about them getting involved in
the worst, worst things, like whether it's drugs or you know,
addiction to social media or getting involved in the wrong circles,
Like that's the age at which it's going to happen.
Speaker 4 (07:21):
Yeah, it's terrifying.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
So yeah, it's terrifying. So they're not and they're getting
a driver's license. They can drink now, you know, as
you know, as they get older, it's like it's almost
like those are the times where you want to be
more hands on and you are fit.
Speaker 3 (07:34):
That's why I say you're physically present, Like I think
toddlers and teenagers need you more present than anybody. But
we think teenagers are like off on their own and whatever.
But you're home, like if they're going to a party,
you're home to greet them and look into their eyes,
so you don't need to ask if they've been drinking,
because you will know when you hug them and look
(07:56):
in their eyes, and you can have a conversation in
a different kind of way. Then if you're sort of
like I'm out, you're out, you're older, you know, take
an uber, don't drive drunk. I'll see you tomorrow. So
I think your presence is important. But the sense that
you're like kind of all over them verbally has you
(08:17):
have to pull back a little bit, and it's terrifying.
But if you've cultivated the relationship and you've set the
expectations from you know, about substances and social media and whatever,
it's easier. But when something's really bothering them, what they
need is to know that they don't have to explain
it and they can just come to you and be sad.
(08:41):
Attachment relationships are dynamic, so you aren't just like it
used to be. We used to think, like, you know,
you have a baby, you develop the secure attachment. It's
like a bond and that's it. But we know now
it's dynamic, and so if you have a five year
old or a sixteen year old or a thirty five
year old, you can still grow that healthy attachment relationship,
(09:04):
So you can change. Our job is not to fix,
it's to be there, and that's what secure attachment is.
Even in your adult relationships, it's like, who can sit
with me through all of these experiences, through these feelings,
because the idea of being happy isn't really about always
(09:24):
being happy. It's about knowing you can come back from
whatever it is that you're going through and you will
be happy again. And if our kids experience the range
of things that come their way, and they know that
they have someone sort of sitting by their side. They
end up in this relationship that is securely attached and
(09:46):
it's not like one and done and if it didn't.
You know, that's the thing that I think is the
trickiest is feeling like I'm responsible for my child's constant happiness.
I have to feel ashamed if I wasn't there for
every moment or if I couldn't fix that feeling, which
you can't, as you know. And I think sometimes people
(10:06):
feel like they're maybe better or worse at different stages,
and so there's you know, like this assumption that we're
going to kind of know what to do, like the
idea that you do come home from the hospital and
you're just like, okay, I guess I just feel like
in adulthood this happens all the time. Like I remember
(10:26):
just the first time I was, you know, in my
twenties and I had my own apartment and I was like, wait,
I can just decide what I'm doing. I can open
a bottle of wine. Like there were things that I
still was like I'm going to It's bizarre, And now
like that I'm the last, you know, person in charge
of whatever, and there's nobody that I'm supposed to ask
and I can make a decision.
Speaker 4 (10:47):
I'm still kind of like, is that okay?
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (10:51):
And so the idea that you're just like in charge
of raising a whole human being or more is really
daunted and we all kind of think everybody else knows.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
We don't know.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
The next clip is from doctor Daniel Aman, who talks
about the importance of presence and emotional connection. He talks
about this special time technique, which is the importance of
twenty minutes a day of uninterrupted physical time with children
plus active listening. He talks about the need to set firm,
(11:26):
loving boundaries with consistent follow through and small intentional actions
that make a big difference in connection.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
If you want to have influence with your children, if
you want them to seriously consider your values, they have
to be connected with them. And what does that take?
Time Like actual physical time where you're not on your phone,
but you put the phone away and you spend twenty
(11:56):
minutes a day with a child. So there's an exercise
I talk about in the book that I love so
much that you know all the things I've recommended to
my patients over the last forty five years. When I
decided to be a psychiatrist forty five years ago. Special time,
it's magic and twenty minutes a day. Do something with
(12:19):
your child. Child wants to do that's reasonable, you can
do in twenty minutes. So it's like, not take me
to Nordstroms. And during that time, no commands, no questions,
no directions, It's just time to be together. And it's
money in the relational bank. And I remember when I
(12:41):
first figured this out. My literary agent had a child
later in life. We were talking on the phone and
he's like, my daughter, Laura doesn't want to have anything
to do with me, and she's two, and he said,
that's like a girl thing, right, a mother daughter thing.
They don't want anything. I'm like, no, Carl, you're ignoring her.
(13:02):
What what do you mean I'm ignoring I'm like, you're
ignoring her. Do this and he said that won't work.
I'm like, oh, great, you represent an idiot. My own
literary agent won't do what I say.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Do it.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
In fact, I'm going to put you in my schedule
for three weeks. I'm going to call you get the
party started, and so three weeks go by, I call
them up, Carl Daniel, she won't leave me alone. As
soon as I walk in the door, she grabs my
leg and wants her time. All she wants to do
(13:37):
is be with me. I'm like, that's a problem. That's
what we want, right, that's what we're after. So actual
physical time. And now parents are so busy they're not
spending this one on one alone time listening. So that's
the second part of it. So time, actual physical cold time,
(14:01):
and shut up. It's so important. You love them so
much you want to pour all of your knowledge, all
of your wisdom that you worked your whole life on
and downloaded into their head. Don't do that, listen to them.
And therapists learn this technique called active listening that whenever
(14:23):
someone says something, you don't interrupt and tell them how
to think. You repeat it back, and you listen for
the feelings behind the words. So if my son came
home and said, Dad, I want to have blue hair,
I don't know what your father would have said, but
I know what mine would have said. No, when el,
(14:44):
as long as you live in this house, so you
can have blue air.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
But what does that do?
Speaker 1 (14:49):
It just stops the conversation, or it starts to fight.
Active listening teaches you repeat back what you hear, Oh,
you want to have blue hair, and then be quiet
long enough for them to like explain what's really going on.
And he might say, all the kids are wearing their
hair blue. Now, I've been to a school. I know
(15:12):
not everybody's blue headed. And if I would have said
that to my dad, I don't know what your dad
would have said. I don't care what anybody else is doing.
As long as you live in this house, you're not
going to have blue hair. If they're going to jump
off a bridge or you going with them, that one
for you.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
I've had that plenty of guys.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
And what does it do? Stops the conversation or it
starts a bite, sounds like you want to be like
the other kids. Completely different conversation. But that's and he
might say, Dad, you know sometimes I feel like I
don't fit in. Now, my mother would have said, what
do you mean you don't fit in? Of course you
(15:50):
fit in. You're a good boy, you're a good looking boy,
you're a nice boy. And that's not helpful either. What's
as helpful as so sometimes you feel like you don't
and then give it a breath. So they're the one
solving their problem. Now. At the end of half an hour,
he says, I still want to have blue hair, and
(16:10):
I tell them no, where in hell as long as
my house, because it's not cool to look weird. I mean,
if you look where, you're going to hang out with
weird people. Right, It's okay to have boundaries around behavior.
Some parents they have like no boundaries, and I think
some boundaries are appropriate.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
What does loving discipline look like? Because I think it's
it sounds good like we were all like, yeah, I
would love to be disciplined, but I'd love to be loving.
And often we don't even figure out what that means
in the workplace, let alone with kids. We're either loving
or disciplined, but we're not.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
I think it should be both. What does it look like, Well,
you know, we haven't gotten to rules. I think families
should have them. Anxiety has rules, so like tell the truth,
so do it, mom, And I'd say the first time.
I love that rule because you know your chance of
abusing the child. If you tell a child to do
(17:06):
something five times your chance of abusing that child just
went up significantly, and so if you have the expectation
they'll do things the first time, it's like, Caitlina, you know,
I want you to take out the trash like in
the next half hour. And if she doesn't, it's like, sweetheart,
(17:27):
you have a choice. You can take it out now,
or you can have this consequence and then you can
take it out. I don't care. It's up to you.
And I love that part of not being attached to it.
I love her. I'm really clear, and she's gotten that
consequence if she doesn't move, stop threatening them and then
(17:48):
not following through, because you teach them that you have
to tell them and get angry and be a bit
crazy in order for them to do what you ask
them to do.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
And I like the rules and rhythms and routines. I
remember in my home after dinner, me and my sister
were clean up and we had a little rotor of
who washed up that day and who cleaned the table
that day, and it was just something that went around
every day. We take it in turns and my sister
was four years younger than me, and we just do
it together, and it became this thing that we just
did and it became natural, became a habit, and it
(18:23):
made us accountable and responsible to each other as well
as well as our parents. And it was a really
neat way of kind of giving us that rules. And
you know, I think sometimes we think of rules as
like strict rules and guidelines, but actually it can be
just a rhythm and a routine.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
And it building competence and skill and you're part of
the family rather than you're entitled to live in that family. Yeah. Yeah,
And the earlier you start, the better it is. For kids.
I mean, it's it's hard if you not spend any
time with children. By the time they're fourteen, their friends
(19:01):
are more important than you are. And that's the heartbreaking
thing I've learned is if you're not spending time with them,
their friends will take your place, and they may not
have the advice, they may not have the right ear
for you, and it makes them more vulnerable to all
(19:24):
the scary stuff that's on social media.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
You're about to hear from Kim Kardashian, And this is
really about parenting in the public eye. Now, you may
not have a life in the public eye, but you
may wonder what other parents think about you. You may
feel judged about what family members think about how you parent,
and we all feel like we live in this bubble
of people's constant opinions, expectations, and obligations of what a
(19:51):
good parent should look like. In this segment, you will
hear about how Kim balances career, fame, and raising grounded kids.
She talks a lot about overcoming mom guilt and being
present with their kids even with a busy schedule and
a busy work life. I think this is something a
lot of you may be able to relate to and
connect with. She also talks about the importance of open
(20:13):
communication in navigating tough conversations, and she talks about how
she creates a sense of normalcy despite being in the
public eye and having such a big brand.
Speaker 5 (20:25):
Mom guilt is probably the hardest thing. I think that
you have to also separate though, and understand that you
need your own bit of sanity.
Speaker 4 (20:36):
So you have to do what makes you happy.
Speaker 5 (20:39):
You have to working. For me, I love working, so
that makes me happy. Anytime I think something's really hard,
I dive into work or if there's challenges, like I
love to dive into my work, and that's like a
bit of my therapy and my routine to keep me going.
But I think, you know, I have chats with my
girlfriends when our kids are having tantrums and there could
(20:59):
be things going on that we don't even know about,
and you feel like you're the worst mom if something's
going on and you can't fix it, you have no
idea how to change it. Your kids are fighting whatever
it is, and my friends and I will text each
other and be like in tears, literally locking ourselves in
(21:24):
the room like away from a kid having a tantrum.
When that's not what you should do. You should go
and lean into them, but sometimes it's so overwhelming. That
was probably the only time I'd be hard on myself.
Is am I a good mom? I try to do everything,
And I think how to balance work with that is
(21:44):
when you're home being really present. Kids all they want
is time. They just want your time. You can give
them all these amazing, big experiences and they'll remember them
and they're great, but they'll always remember you being present.
And I think that's just the most most important thing
in all of your relationships. Think about what a kid wants.
(22:04):
A kid just wants your time, So why wouldn't everyone
else you have to kind of treat everyone like that
if you want these meaningful relationships in your life, and
you have to be present, and it's okay to feel
like you are not one hundred percent at being the
(22:25):
best mom. I say this all the time. There's no manual.
They do not come with a manual. Everyone's doing the
best that they can and I just feel so lucky
that I have a good group of girlfriends and all
of our kids are experiencing different things from I mean,
imagine all the things that they divorce, everything that they
(22:46):
have to go through. We're okay. They will be okay
and they will feel the love and support and that's
all you can do. It'll be okay. I'll talk to
my kids about anything they want to ask me about.
I am so open and honest with my kids. I
think that's the only way to be And it could
be things that they might not understand, and I'll wait
(23:07):
to find the appropriate time to talk about it. I
think they grew up seeing the cameras and they grew
up seeing that even as babies, you know, we'd walk
out and there'd be paparazzi. So it's not really something
that they acknowledge. A lot, But you know, my daughter's
really vocal. She'll tell them when she doesn't want them
around and to leave her alone and to stop. And
(23:28):
I'd love that they use their little voices. But they
also have such a normal life and such a different
life away from all of that too, And that's why
I love that my sisters and I all had babies
at the same time, so they can be with each
other and have these experiences together.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
What's the biggest lesson you learned from your mom that
you trying to pass on to the kids.
Speaker 5 (23:48):
I think just how she makes people feel really heard
and welcomed. She really is the most warm, welcoming person,
and it's just like her overall. It seems superficial, but
it's not like her party planning skills. It's not even that,
it's just the welcomingness of I don't even know if
(24:08):
these are words I'm saying, like just her ability to
be so warm and to make everyone feel like they
were invited here. I'm going to create this special Easter
dinner with like the things on the table, you know,
that she had when we were growing.
Speaker 4 (24:24):
Up at my dad's house.
Speaker 5 (24:25):
Like she just has all this like really special nostalgic
stuff around all the time and always tries to make
everyone feel so special, but with like a gathering so
that everyone feels comfortable and can hang around like. She
just loves people in her space and loves to create
these memories. And I think that we all got that
from her, and we will all if I can just
(24:47):
pass that on to my kids, just the experiences that
we have as a family, whether we're just sitting in
our pajamas and hanging out, we make the time to
be together. And I hope that my kids want to
make the time to be together when they grow up,
with their cousins and their aunts and just the whole family.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
I'm sure they will. Yeah, I think sure, Yeah, I
think you've managed to hold onto it in your entire generation,
and so yeah, they see that. I think kids mirror
so much of what they see around them. And I
remember when I met my wife, her grandma is her
favorite human on the planet. And it's really interesting how
when someone you love you know who their favorite human is,
(25:30):
you automatically start loving them. Yeah, and I wasn't really
close to my grandparents, but I'm closer to Rady's grandparents,
like Grandma and I am to my own grandparents because
you see your love for the person that you love,
and so I think when your kids see the love
that you have for your sisters and your cousins and
your aunts.
Speaker 5 (25:47):
And uncles, and now, if only all my kids can
love their siblings, that would be amazing. They're in a
fighting phase.
Speaker 2 (25:54):
Yeah, yeah, and you guys went through that phase.
Speaker 4 (25:56):
I'm just but yeah, it's still going on, never ending.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
That's never going to start.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
This next segment is from Jessica Alba, where she talks
about motherhood and personal growth. A big part of what
she shares is how motherhood reshaped her career and priorities.
Maybe you've just started a new job, maybe you started
a new side hustle. Maybe you just had your first
child and everything's changing, or maybe your kids just left
(26:26):
the home. All of these transitions impact the way we work,
live and think. It affects our relationship with our spouse,
our partner, whoever that may be, and it impacts our
relationship with our work. In this segment, Jessica Albert talks
about how she teaches her kids resilience, self worth, and
using success for good. She also talks about how she's
(26:49):
trying and been able to find balance between her personal
ambitions and family life. I think this is such an
important thing that we're all trying to juggle, and it
will really resonate with you.
Speaker 6 (26:59):
You know. I think because it was such a struggle
in so hard for my parents. They were young when
they had me, and every day was a very it
was a very kind of tumultuous environment, just because they
were in survival mode every day, struggling to get by.
And they also didn't have necessarily the maturity or the
(27:22):
tools to have context like this podcast. Right, There wasn't
this podcast that my parents were, you know, young, there
were We live now in a culture where so many,
so much of the stuff that just wasn't sort of
serving humanity has been broken down, and there's this generation
(27:43):
that's sort of thinking through, like I guess sort of like, yes,
we built these civilizations based off of like necessity, a
lot of these things that are power and ego driven, right,
But now we're in a place where it's more about compassion, mindfulness, right, openness,
(28:05):
and that's how we're going to thrive and and you know,
continue to thrive as a human race. And and so
I think, you know, for my kids. I try to
exemplify whatever that is. And and at the same time,
you know, they are very aware of my faults, right,
(28:27):
They're very aware that I, you know, get stressed, and I,
you know, get irritable, and I don't sleep enough and
all of those things. But you know, we have a
we have a dialogue about it, and and you know,
I try to create a space of compassion obviously for
(28:50):
for them, but also you know, just for them to
to sort of like know that I'm trying. I think
I just wanted peace, and I wanted security, and I
wanted a sense of financial security to me meant that
you could then have peace and not be so stressed out.
(29:11):
I also knew that, like my parents in a lot
of ways were just sort of like products of certain systems.
When you have to support a family, how can you
sort of like get ahead. And they were learning as
they were going, you know, it's sort of like flying
the plane and fixing it at the same time. It
(29:32):
wasn't until I became a parent I think that I
had I really understood how difficult it was for them
just being so young and not necessarily having the tools
and not having you know, they're a setup right to thrive.
I felt like I had a purpose.
Speaker 4 (29:52):
I didn't know what it was.
Speaker 6 (29:52):
It came from very simple, humble.
Speaker 4 (29:56):
Family.
Speaker 6 (29:57):
What I've done in my life and what i've was
in no way, shape or form given to me, handed
to me. I mean, I think, if anything, there was
nothing but blocks and challenges and walls and reasons why
I shouldn't dream or even have the audacity to think
that I could become anything. Every stage of every piece
of my life, I feel like I'm always looking to
(30:20):
be better and do better. So when I actually got
the opportunity to be an actress and I started working
on a regular basis, I prayed a lot, you know,
whether it's God or spirit or whatever it is that
people pray to. I felt like if I could just
channel like I want to do good. I know I'm
(30:40):
here to do good. I'm not sure what that end
goal is, but I promise that if I get any breakthrough,
I will do good with my success. And I always
attributed success with being able to do good. And then
when I became a mom, you know that really my
(31:01):
sense of self and I would say my insecurities as
a person over silly things kept me. I think from
fully realizing my potential before I became a mom, but
when I became a mom, those insecurities sort of went away.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
I hope you took away a lot of practical, emotional
advice and insight from this episode, and here are some
of my takeaways. Parenting isn't about being perfect, It's about
being present and growing together. I think when we have
that pressure of perfection, we actually sometimes act out in
negative ways, even towards children. That pressure of perfection becomes
(31:40):
why we're angry. Really we're angry at ourselves, but we're
taking it out on that child. That stress that we
carry of wanting to be perfect parents and be perfect
all the time makes us act in ways that we
don't love afterwards, and we might regret, whether it's setting boundaries,
building strong connections, or balancing life. Today's insight show we're
(32:01):
not alone in this journey. Every single person who's a
parent is struggling with what we've talked about today. It
doesn't matter how many resources you have, it doesn't matter
what access you have. Everyone is going through and up
and down. And I think we can also relate to
that through having been kids in our lives. If you
think back to being a child. I'm sure your parents
(32:21):
had ups and downs. I'm sure they had days, weeks, months,
and years that we're challenging. It's natural for you to
do that as well. Sometimes we're trying so hard not
to be our parents that we end up repeating the
same mistakes. I hope that this episode resonated with you.
I hope you'll share it with a parent who needs
to hear it. I hope you'll listen to it with
(32:42):
your friends who are parents as well, so you can
find a space to be vulnerable, open and connect more deeply.
Thank you so much for listening. If you love this episode,
you'll enjoy my interview with doctor Daniel Ahman on how
to change your life by changing your brain.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
If we want to healthy mind, it actually starts with
a healthy brain. You know. I've had the blessing or
the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and
over one hundred murderers, and their brains are very damaged.
The number one health and wellness podcast, Say Set Jay Set.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Studies show that a child's emotional intelligence and resilience is
strongly shaped by their parents' approach to discipline and communication,
But with so much parenting advice out there, it can
be hard to know what really works. We're judged in
(00:24):
many roles in our lives, but it seems we're judge
the most in our roles as parents. There's no handbook
to parenting, yet we're expected to never make any mistakes.
Parenting is fulfilling, but challenging. Every stage comes with new lessons.
Today's guests bring different perspectives, psychologists, experienced parents, and public
(00:47):
figures balancing family with busy careers. Let's start with one
of the biggest parenting struggles, discipline. Discipline is about teaching,
not punishing. It's so important that we know how to
set boundaries in a way that builds confidence, not fear.
It's important that we create a safe, supportive environment where
(01:09):
kids can learn from mistakes. Doctor Eliza Pressman will be
talking about how discipline is about teaching, not punishing.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
I feel like discipline is so controversial, but I think
of it as all feelings are welcome, All behaviors are
not so if I had to sum it up, and
I think we do think of discipline as punishment versus teaching,
and it's teaching because it actually influences your growth and development.
It's not just for my entertainment. Then your kids trust
(01:38):
you a little bit more and the relationship is stronger.
But I think the key with discipline is not being
afraid of how our kids react to it, and having
the strength of purpose and belief that if they do
have a negative reaction to it, we can love them
all the way through it, but we're not going to
change our minds about it. Because that's where it gets messy,
(02:02):
is that if we're talking all about how important the
relationship is and then you have this limit that you set,
like this is my expectation of you, and your child
doesn't like it this simply like you know, I take
the phone away at night or the iPad or whatever,
and your child is freaking out about it. Then you go, well,
now I've messed with the relationship, and so I guess
(02:25):
I should. They're crying and I need to get back
in there, So okay, I'll give you more time or
whatever it is. And that's where we get confused. I
think if parents really understood that feelings aren't dangerous, that
kids aren't going to say thank you for the boundaries
and limits that we set, and that we set them
with the intention of physical and emotional safety about not
(02:47):
just them but other people. Like we're not just raising
kids in a vacuum. They have to move through the
world and think about community and other humans, and so
what's comfortable for them might not be thoughtful to other people.
And so it's that balance between be there for yourself
but also not to the extent that you can't you
(03:07):
know that you're entitled and don't respect that there are
other people in the world. I mean, there's three kind
of parenting styles outside of neglectful, which is not you know,
that's a whole other thing. But there's like the permissive,
which is best friend parenting, and it is so sensitive.
They do like you and you can play as many
video games as you want and all that's great, except
for it you have no nobody's steering the ship, and
(03:30):
so it actually can lead to anxiety and depression and
a sense that you are too responsible for things. And
the other side of it is authoritarian, where it's fear
based and it's just rules and it's just because I
said so, but without the like, I know you really
love doing this, and I wouldn't stop you from doing
it if I didn't know that it was better for
your brain or whatever. So that's the middle path of
(03:54):
like authoritative where you're sensitive but you stick with your
limits and boundaries because you know that that's going to
benefit your kids. Even when you have limits and rules,
you want your kids to know, as you're describing your mom,
that they have you, so if you do mess up,
you can still go to them instead of being terrified.
(04:17):
And so that's this weird thing where it's like, here
are my expectations. Also, I want to name the fact
that you're going to blow it sometimes, and I want
to be the person you come to, and that's something
to say, not when they're struggling. And I think part
of the reason why it's hard to get kids to
open up is because we try to get in there
when they're in the center of the struggle instead of
(04:39):
like building the vocabulary and connection outside of it. So
you have the conversations and you give the language when
nobody's in the heat of the moment, so that when
the heat of the moment comes, they already know that
they can come to you and you can just say
to them, I can tell something's going on, I'm here
(05:00):
ever or if ever, and then just leave space. A
lot of times doing something with a kid who's not
opening up, like going for a drive even so that
you're not looking at each other. And you know, I
can't think of any sport right now because I'm not
super sporty, but you know, like playing I'm like, what is.
Speaker 4 (05:22):
It called when one does a game with someone?
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Now?
Speaker 4 (05:25):
Thank you? So you go play pickleball. You're playing pickleball.
It's going to come up.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
But you want to just like put little tiny moments
where you say, I'm askable, I'm tellable, and I'm not
going to say anything. And one of the things that
helps is that when your kids do tell you something,
you say thank you for telling me before you have
any other reaction, and that may be your only reaction,
(05:53):
and then you give them a little space and then
you say, is there anything I can do with younger kids?
You want to be This is going to sound ridiculous
if you don't think about animals this way, but I do,
So tell me if it resonates, but you kind of
want to be a dog. You're wagging your tail when
you're excited to see them. You're always there and you're
like really enthusiastic, and they need that. But then as
(06:15):
they get older, imagine you're eleven to twenty five year
old self, you need to be a cat. So you're
like a little You're there, you're always around, you're not
you might you're touching their feet, like you're not overly
on top of them. But if they're interested, they can
(06:36):
come to you, but you're not going anywhere. So it's
like it's this safe thing where you're there for them,
but it's it's not so intense. And then they have
the opportunity to open up a little bit, and when
they do, you don't pounce like a dog. You stay
a cat who's like welcoming the information, but not you know, saying,
(06:58):
oh my god. And then you know, because you don't
want your kids to think you can't handle my truth,
so I'm not you're not the person to tell.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, And I feel that's the hardest time to be
the cat, because you're scared about them getting involved in
the worst, worst things, like whether it's drugs or you know,
addiction to social media or getting involved in the wrong circles,
Like that's the age at which it's going to happen.
Speaker 4 (07:21):
Yeah, it's terrifying.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
So yeah, it's terrifying. So they're not and they're getting
a driver's license. They can drink now, you know, as
you know, as they get older, it's like it's almost
like those are the times where you want to be
more hands on and you are fit.
Speaker 3 (07:34):
That's why I say you're physically present, Like I think
toddlers and teenagers need you more present than anybody. But
we think teenagers are like off on their own and whatever.
But you're home, like if they're going to a party,
you're home to greet them and look into their eyes,
so you don't need to ask if they've been drinking,
because you will know when you hug them and look
(07:56):
in their eyes, and you can have a conversation in
a different kind of way. Then if you're sort of
like I'm out, you're out, you're older, you know, take
an uber, don't drive drunk. I'll see you tomorrow. So
I think your presence is important. But the sense that
you're like kind of all over them verbally has you
(08:17):
have to pull back a little bit, and it's terrifying.
But if you've cultivated the relationship and you've set the
expectations from you know, about substances and social media and whatever,
it's easier. But when something's really bothering them, what they
need is to know that they don't have to explain
it and they can just come to you and be sad.
(08:41):
Attachment relationships are dynamic, so you aren't just like it
used to be. We used to think, like, you know,
you have a baby, you develop the secure attachment. It's
like a bond and that's it. But we know now
it's dynamic, and so if you have a five year
old or a sixteen year old or a thirty five
year old, you can still grow that healthy attachment relationship,
(09:04):
So you can change. Our job is not to fix,
it's to be there, and that's what secure attachment is.
Even in your adult relationships, it's like, who can sit
with me through all of these experiences, through these feelings,
because the idea of being happy isn't really about always
(09:24):
being happy. It's about knowing you can come back from
whatever it is that you're going through and you will
be happy again. And if our kids experience the range
of things that come their way, and they know that
they have someone sort of sitting by their side. They
end up in this relationship that is securely attached and
(09:46):
it's not like one and done and if it didn't.
You know, that's the thing that I think is the
trickiest is feeling like I'm responsible for my child's constant happiness.
I have to feel ashamed if I wasn't there for
every moment or if I couldn't fix that feeling, which
you can't, as you know. And I think sometimes people
(10:06):
feel like they're maybe better or worse at different stages,
and so there's you know, like this assumption that we're
going to kind of know what to do, like the
idea that you do come home from the hospital and
you're just like, okay, I guess I just feel like
in adulthood this happens all the time. Like I remember
(10:26):
just the first time I was, you know, in my
twenties and I had my own apartment and I was like, wait,
I can just decide what I'm doing. I can open
a bottle of wine. Like there were things that I
still was like I'm going to It's bizarre, And now
like that I'm the last, you know, person in charge
of whatever, and there's nobody that I'm supposed to ask
and I can make a decision.
Speaker 4 (10:47):
I'm still kind of like, is that okay?
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (10:51):
And so the idea that you're just like in charge
of raising a whole human being or more is really
daunted and we all kind of think everybody else knows.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
We don't know.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
The next clip is from doctor Daniel Aman, who talks
about the importance of presence and emotional connection. He talks
about this special time technique, which is the importance of
twenty minutes a day of uninterrupted physical time with children
plus active listening. He talks about the need to set firm,
(11:26):
loving boundaries with consistent follow through and small intentional actions
that make a big difference in connection.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
If you want to have influence with your children, if
you want them to seriously consider your values, they have
to be connected with them. And what does that take?
Time Like actual physical time where you're not on your phone,
but you put the phone away and you spend twenty
(11:56):
minutes a day with a child. So there's an exercise
I talk about in the book that I love so
much that you know all the things I've recommended to
my patients over the last forty five years. When I
decided to be a psychiatrist forty five years ago. Special time,
it's magic and twenty minutes a day. Do something with
(12:19):
your child. Child wants to do that's reasonable, you can
do in twenty minutes. So it's like, not take me
to Nordstroms. And during that time, no commands, no questions,
no directions, It's just time to be together. And it's
money in the relational bank. And I remember when I
(12:41):
first figured this out. My literary agent had a child
later in life. We were talking on the phone and
he's like, my daughter, Laura doesn't want to have anything
to do with me, and she's two, and he said,
that's like a girl thing, right, a mother daughter thing.
They don't want anything. I'm like, no, Carl, you're ignoring her.
(13:02):
What what do you mean I'm ignoring I'm like, you're
ignoring her. Do this and he said that won't work.
I'm like, oh, great, you represent an idiot. My own
literary agent won't do what I say.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Do it.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
In fact, I'm going to put you in my schedule
for three weeks. I'm going to call you get the
party started, and so three weeks go by, I call
them up, Carl Daniel, she won't leave me alone. As
soon as I walk in the door, she grabs my
leg and wants her time. All she wants to do
(13:37):
is be with me. I'm like, that's a problem. That's
what we want, right, that's what we're after. So actual
physical time. And now parents are so busy they're not
spending this one on one alone time listening. So that's
the second part of it. So time, actual physical cold time,
(14:01):
and shut up. It's so important. You love them so
much you want to pour all of your knowledge, all
of your wisdom that you worked your whole life on
and downloaded into their head. Don't do that, listen to them.
And therapists learn this technique called active listening that whenever
(14:23):
someone says something, you don't interrupt and tell them how
to think. You repeat it back, and you listen for
the feelings behind the words. So if my son came
home and said, Dad, I want to have blue hair,
I don't know what your father would have said, but
I know what mine would have said. No, when el,
(14:44):
as long as you live in this house, so you
can have blue air.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
But what does that do?
Speaker 1 (14:49):
It just stops the conversation, or it starts to fight.
Active listening teaches you repeat back what you hear, Oh,
you want to have blue hair, and then be quiet
long enough for them to like explain what's really going on.
And he might say, all the kids are wearing their
hair blue. Now, I've been to a school. I know
(15:12):
not everybody's blue headed. And if I would have said
that to my dad, I don't know what your dad
would have said. I don't care what anybody else is doing.
As long as you live in this house, you're not
going to have blue hair. If they're going to jump
off a bridge or you going with them, that one
for you.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
I've had that plenty of guys.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
And what does it do? Stops the conversation or it
starts a bite, sounds like you want to be like
the other kids. Completely different conversation. But that's and he
might say, Dad, you know sometimes I feel like I
don't fit in. Now, my mother would have said, what
do you mean you don't fit in? Of course you
(15:50):
fit in. You're a good boy, you're a good looking boy,
you're a nice boy. And that's not helpful either. What's
as helpful as so sometimes you feel like you don't
and then give it a breath. So they're the one
solving their problem. Now. At the end of half an hour,
he says, I still want to have blue hair, and
(16:10):
I tell them no, where in hell as long as
my house, because it's not cool to look weird. I mean,
if you look where, you're going to hang out with
weird people. Right, It's okay to have boundaries around behavior.
Some parents they have like no boundaries, and I think
some boundaries are appropriate.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
What does loving discipline look like? Because I think it's
it sounds good like we were all like, yeah, I
would love to be disciplined, but I'd love to be loving.
And often we don't even figure out what that means
in the workplace, let alone with kids. We're either loving
or disciplined, but we're not.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
I think it should be both. What does it look like, Well,
you know, we haven't gotten to rules. I think families
should have them. Anxiety has rules, so like tell the truth,
so do it, mom, And I'd say the first time.
I love that rule because you know your chance of
abusing the child. If you tell a child to do
(17:06):
something five times your chance of abusing that child just
went up significantly, and so if you have the expectation
they'll do things the first time, it's like, Caitlina, you know,
I want you to take out the trash like in
the next half hour. And if she doesn't, it's like, sweetheart,
(17:27):
you have a choice. You can take it out now,
or you can have this consequence and then you can
take it out. I don't care. It's up to you.
And I love that part of not being attached to it.
I love her. I'm really clear, and she's gotten that
consequence if she doesn't move, stop threatening them and then
(17:48):
not following through, because you teach them that you have
to tell them and get angry and be a bit
crazy in order for them to do what you ask
them to do.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
And I like the rules and rhythms and routines. I
remember in my home after dinner, me and my sister
were clean up and we had a little rotor of
who washed up that day and who cleaned the table
that day, and it was just something that went around
every day. We take it in turns and my sister
was four years younger than me, and we just do
it together, and it became this thing that we just
did and it became natural, became a habit, and it
(18:23):
made us accountable and responsible to each other as well
as well as our parents. And it was a really
neat way of kind of giving us that rules. And
you know, I think sometimes we think of rules as
like strict rules and guidelines, but actually it can be
just a rhythm and a routine.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
And it building competence and skill and you're part of
the family rather than you're entitled to live in that family. Yeah. Yeah,
And the earlier you start, the better it is. For kids.
I mean, it's it's hard if you not spend any
time with children. By the time they're fourteen, their friends
(19:01):
are more important than you are. And that's the heartbreaking
thing I've learned is if you're not spending time with them,
their friends will take your place, and they may not
have the advice, they may not have the right ear
for you, and it makes them more vulnerable to all
(19:24):
the scary stuff that's on social media.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
You're about to hear from Kim Kardashian, And this is
really about parenting in the public eye. Now, you may
not have a life in the public eye, but you
may wonder what other parents think about you. You may
feel judged about what family members think about how you parent,
and we all feel like we live in this bubble
of people's constant opinions, expectations, and obligations of what a
(19:51):
good parent should look like. In this segment, you will
hear about how Kim balances career, fame, and raising grounded kids.
She talks a lot about overcoming mom guilt and being
present with their kids even with a busy schedule and
a busy work life. I think this is something a
lot of you may be able to relate to and
connect with. She also talks about the importance of open
(20:13):
communication in navigating tough conversations, and she talks about how
she creates a sense of normalcy despite being in the
public eye and having such a big brand.
Speaker 5 (20:25):
Mom guilt is probably the hardest thing. I think that
you have to also separate though, and understand that you
need your own bit of sanity.
Speaker 4 (20:36):
So you have to do what makes you happy.
Speaker 5 (20:39):
You have to working. For me, I love working, so
that makes me happy. Anytime I think something's really hard,
I dive into work or if there's challenges, like I
love to dive into my work, and that's like a
bit of my therapy and my routine to keep me going.
But I think, you know, I have chats with my
girlfriends when our kids are having tantrums and there could
(20:59):
be things going on that we don't even know about,
and you feel like you're the worst mom if something's
going on and you can't fix it, you have no
idea how to change it. Your kids are fighting whatever
it is, and my friends and I will text each
other and be like in tears, literally locking ourselves in
(21:24):
the room like away from a kid having a tantrum.
When that's not what you should do. You should go
and lean into them, but sometimes it's so overwhelming. That
was probably the only time I'd be hard on myself.
Is am I a good mom? I try to do everything,
And I think how to balance work with that is
(21:44):
when you're home being really present. Kids all they want
is time. They just want your time. You can give
them all these amazing, big experiences and they'll remember them
and they're great, but they'll always remember you being present.
And I think that's just the most most important thing
in all of your relationships. Think about what a kid wants.
(22:04):
A kid just wants your time, So why wouldn't everyone
else you have to kind of treat everyone like that
if you want these meaningful relationships in your life, and
you have to be present, and it's okay to feel
like you are not one hundred percent at being the
(22:25):
best mom. I say this all the time. There's no manual.
They do not come with a manual. Everyone's doing the
best that they can and I just feel so lucky
that I have a good group of girlfriends and all
of our kids are experiencing different things from I mean,
imagine all the things that they divorce, everything that they
(22:46):
have to go through. We're okay. They will be okay
and they will feel the love and support and that's
all you can do. It'll be okay. I'll talk to
my kids about anything they want to ask me about.
I am so open and honest with my kids. I
think that's the only way to be And it could
be things that they might not understand, and I'll wait
(23:07):
to find the appropriate time to talk about it. I
think they grew up seeing the cameras and they grew
up seeing that even as babies, you know, we'd walk
out and there'd be paparazzi. So it's not really something
that they acknowledge. A lot, But you know, my daughter's
really vocal. She'll tell them when she doesn't want them
around and to leave her alone and to stop. And
(23:28):
I'd love that they use their little voices. But they
also have such a normal life and such a different
life away from all of that too, And that's why
I love that my sisters and I all had babies
at the same time, so they can be with each
other and have these experiences together.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
What's the biggest lesson you learned from your mom that
you trying to pass on to the kids.
Speaker 5 (23:48):
I think just how she makes people feel really heard
and welcomed. She really is the most warm, welcoming person,
and it's just like her overall. It seems superficial, but
it's not like her party planning skills. It's not even that,
it's just the welcomingness of I don't even know if
(24:08):
these are words I'm saying, like just her ability to
be so warm and to make everyone feel like they
were invited here. I'm going to create this special Easter
dinner with like the things on the table, you know,
that she had when we were growing.
Speaker 4 (24:24):
Up at my dad's house.
Speaker 5 (24:25):
Like she just has all this like really special nostalgic
stuff around all the time and always tries to make
everyone feel so special, but with like a gathering so
that everyone feels comfortable and can hang around like. She
just loves people in her space and loves to create
these memories. And I think that we all got that
from her, and we will all if I can just
(24:47):
pass that on to my kids, just the experiences that
we have as a family, whether we're just sitting in
our pajamas and hanging out, we make the time to
be together. And I hope that my kids want to
make the time to be together when they grow up,
with their cousins and their aunts and just the whole family.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
I'm sure they will. Yeah, I think sure, Yeah, I
think you've managed to hold onto it in your entire generation,
and so yeah, they see that. I think kids mirror
so much of what they see around them. And I
remember when I met my wife, her grandma is her
favorite human on the planet. And it's really interesting how
when someone you love you know who their favorite human is,
(25:30):
you automatically start loving them. Yeah, and I wasn't really
close to my grandparents, but I'm closer to Rady's grandparents,
like Grandma and I am to my own grandparents because
you see your love for the person that you love,
and so I think when your kids see the love
that you have for your sisters and your cousins and
your aunts.
Speaker 5 (25:47):
And uncles, and now, if only all my kids can
love their siblings, that would be amazing. They're in a
fighting phase.
Speaker 2 (25:54):
Yeah, yeah, and you guys went through that phase.
Speaker 4 (25:56):
I'm just but yeah, it's still going on, never ending.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
That's never going to start.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
This next segment is from Jessica Alba, where she talks
about motherhood and personal growth. A big part of what
she shares is how motherhood reshaped her career and priorities.
Maybe you've just started a new job, maybe you started
a new side hustle. Maybe you just had your first
child and everything's changing, or maybe your kids just left
(26:26):
the home. All of these transitions impact the way we work,
live and think. It affects our relationship with our spouse,
our partner, whoever that may be, and it impacts our
relationship with our work. In this segment, Jessica Albert talks
about how she teaches her kids resilience, self worth, and
using success for good. She also talks about how she's
(26:49):
trying and been able to find balance between her personal
ambitions and family life. I think this is such an
important thing that we're all trying to juggle, and it
will really resonate with you.
Speaker 6 (26:59):
You know. I think because it was such a struggle
in so hard for my parents. They were young when
they had me, and every day was a very it
was a very kind of tumultuous environment, just because they
were in survival mode every day, struggling to get by.
And they also didn't have necessarily the maturity or the
(27:22):
tools to have context like this podcast. Right, There wasn't
this podcast that my parents were, you know, young, there
were We live now in a culture where so many,
so much of the stuff that just wasn't sort of
serving humanity has been broken down, and there's this generation
(27:43):
that's sort of thinking through, like I guess sort of like, yes,
we built these civilizations based off of like necessity, a
lot of these things that are power and ego driven, right,
But now we're in a place where it's more about compassion, mindfulness, right, openness,
(28:05):
and that's how we're going to thrive and and you know,
continue to thrive as a human race. And and so
I think, you know, for my kids. I try to
exemplify whatever that is. And and at the same time,
you know, they are very aware of my faults, right,
(28:27):
They're very aware that I, you know, get stressed, and I,
you know, get irritable, and I don't sleep enough and
all of those things. But you know, we have a
we have a dialogue about it, and and you know,
I try to create a space of compassion obviously for
(28:50):
for them, but also you know, just for them to
to sort of like know that I'm trying. I think
I just wanted peace, and I wanted security, and I
wanted a sense of financial security to me meant that
you could then have peace and not be so stressed out.
(29:11):
I also knew that, like my parents in a lot
of ways were just sort of like products of certain systems.
When you have to support a family, how can you
sort of like get ahead. And they were learning as
they were going, you know, it's sort of like flying
the plane and fixing it at the same time. It
(29:32):
wasn't until I became a parent I think that I
had I really understood how difficult it was for them
just being so young and not necessarily having the tools
and not having you know, they're a setup right to thrive.
I felt like I had a purpose.
Speaker 4 (29:52):
I didn't know what it was.
Speaker 6 (29:52):
It came from very simple, humble.
Speaker 4 (29:56):
Family.
Speaker 6 (29:57):
What I've done in my life and what i've was
in no way, shape or form given to me, handed
to me. I mean, I think, if anything, there was
nothing but blocks and challenges and walls and reasons why
I shouldn't dream or even have the audacity to think
that I could become anything. Every stage of every piece
of my life, I feel like I'm always looking to
(30:20):
be better and do better. So when I actually got
the opportunity to be an actress and I started working
on a regular basis, I prayed a lot, you know,
whether it's God or spirit or whatever it is that
people pray to. I felt like if I could just
channel like I want to do good. I know I'm
(30:40):
here to do good. I'm not sure what that end
goal is, but I promise that if I get any breakthrough,
I will do good with my success. And I always
attributed success with being able to do good. And then
when I became a mom, you know that really my
(31:01):
sense of self and I would say my insecurities as
a person over silly things kept me. I think from
fully realizing my potential before I became a mom, but
when I became a mom, those insecurities sort of went away.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
I hope you took away a lot of practical, emotional
advice and insight from this episode, and here are some
of my takeaways. Parenting isn't about being perfect, It's about
being present and growing together. I think when we have
that pressure of perfection, we actually sometimes act out in
negative ways, even towards children. That pressure of perfection becomes
(31:40):
why we're angry. Really we're angry at ourselves, but we're
taking it out on that child. That stress that we
carry of wanting to be perfect parents and be perfect
all the time makes us act in ways that we
don't love afterwards, and we might regret, whether it's setting boundaries,
building strong connections, or balancing life. Today's insight show we're
(32:01):
not alone in this journey. Every single person who's a
parent is struggling with what we've talked about today. It
doesn't matter how many resources you have, it doesn't matter
what access you have. Everyone is going through and up
and down. And I think we can also relate to
that through having been kids in our lives. If you
think back to being a child. I'm sure your parents
(32:21):
had ups and downs. I'm sure they had days, weeks, months,
and years that we're challenging. It's natural for you to
do that as well. Sometimes we're trying so hard not
to be our parents that we end up repeating the
same mistakes. I hope that this episode resonated with you.
I hope you'll share it with a parent who needs
to hear it. I hope you'll listen to it with
(32:42):
your friends who are parents as well, so you can
find a space to be vulnerable, open and connect more deeply.
Thank you so much for listening. If you love this episode,
you'll enjoy my interview with doctor Daniel Ahman on how
to change your life by changing your brain.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
If we want to healthy mind, it actually starts with
a healthy brain. You know. I've had the blessing or
the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and
over one hundred murderers, and their brains are very damaged.
Host
Jay Shetty
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