LOVE EXPERT Stephan Speaks: 7 Ways You are Blocking Yourself From Meeting Your Soulmate (Change Your Patterns to Find the ONE)

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, It's Jay Schetty and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever. You can
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me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations
with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert,
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(00:23):
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I can't wait to see you there. Tickets are on
cell now. Head to Jayshetty dot me and get yours today.

Speaker 2 (00:35):
Most breakups, if not all, are a blessing in disguise.
We just can't see where the blessing is in that moment.

Speaker 1 (00:41):
Do you believe that there's right person, wrong time.

Speaker 2 (00:43):
Absolutely, It's not as simple as oh, we love each other.
Everything's supposed to work perfectly. Love is one thing. Relationship
is another.

Speaker 1 (00:51):
One of the most sought after relationship coaches in.

Speaker 2 (00:54):
The world, the most popular voice in the relationship education space,
Stefan speaks to you right now.

Speaker 1 (01:00):
In dating, men have a bad reputation.

Speaker 2 (01:03):
Is it fair, completely unfair when she goes on that
date or she's in that relationship and things go wrong,
she may leave out parts of what she did to
contribute to the problem. I think people are not having
success in dating because people are not accepting who.

Speaker 3 (01:18):
They are first like that.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
There are things about us we know, but society makes
us feel shamed about it.

Speaker 1 (01:25):
How do you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate.

Speaker 2 (01:29):
My initial response is gonna be you don't communicate with
them at all.

Speaker 3 (01:31):
You let them go.

Speaker 2 (01:32):
But if we're having issues with discussing our relationship problems,
things that need to be addressed.

Speaker 3 (01:40):
If we can't discuss it, how can we fix it.
We base our.

Speaker 2 (01:43):
Perceptions of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables.
I always say the way to determine how serious someone
is about you is.

Speaker 3 (01:54):
The number one health and wellness podcast Shetty.

Speaker 1 (01:57):
Ja Shetty Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the
number one health podcast in the world where you come
to listen, learn and grow. Thank you to all of
you who made us one of the top global shows
on Spotify wrapped. If you've been listening on there, I

(02:18):
am so deeply grateful to you. It was amazing to
see that connection with all of you. And today we
have back the biggest episode, the biggest guest of the
last twelve months on YouTube, someone you love, someone you
love to learn from, who has so much great insights,
so much great wisdom, so many great tools. And what
we both loved is that it was a deep, meaningful

(02:41):
conversation that you all connected with. Please welcome back to
on Purpose. Stefan speaks, Stefan, it is great to have
you here, Glad. Honestly, like we were just talking about it,
I was so happy to see that a non clickbait conversation,
a non kind of engine needed conversation. It was actually

(03:01):
the first time.

Speaker 3 (03:02):
We met, yeah, exactly, and.

Speaker 1 (03:03):
We just got into it and the audience in community responded.
It was beautiful to see. So thank you for doing
this again. Absolutely, man, all right, I want to dive
straight in like we Digitous do it. I want to
dive straight in. What are the biggest issues that men
and women are facing when trying to meet the right
people and they keep feeling like they meet the wrong person.

Speaker 2 (03:20):
I think one of the biggest issues we have in
this world right now is we are refusing to accept
the differences between the average man and the average woman. Now,
I say the average man average women, because I understand
our exceptions to every rule, nothing applied to one hundred percent. However,
we have very distinct differences that if we reject, we're
going to have conflict in relationships. So one that comes

(03:42):
to mind, and I don't know this, this one I was
recently talking about. There's this push that people want to
say women want sex as much as men, right, that
they want to just as match. That's an absolute lie. Okay,
as far as I'm concerned, that's simply not true. Now,
I was at a conference, well not a conference I
was once flown into. It was one of those dating

(04:05):
sites they had. They brought a few experts in. They
had this presentation and there was a scientist who brought
out this study that showed that quote unquote, women want
sex as much as men. And I told her, I said,
I think there's something wrong here. I think what the
study is doing is conflating intimacy with sex, and the
reality is that women want intimacy. Okay, if I always say,

(04:26):
if you had door number one, door number two, door
number one is just straight sex. Doing number two is hugs, kisses, intimacy,
All that the majority of women are choosing door number two.
The majority of men are choosing door number one. The
reason why this is so important to accept, and this
is just one example of the built in differences of.

Speaker 3 (04:45):
Who we are that we've got to learn to.

Speaker 2 (04:47):
Just accept it is because now if a man gets
with a woman being told we are the same, we
want sex the same way, he does not understand how
to speak to her in a way that makes her sex.

Speaker 3 (04:59):
She res to him. He thinks, oh, if we just
like sex, we like sex.

Speaker 2 (05:03):
If your honey, your horney, that's it and the story,
and no, for the majority of women, there is a
mental and emotional component you have to be aware of.
If she is in the wrong place, if she's overly stressed,
if she's overwhelmed, this can take away all her desire
or willingness to engage sexually. So by feeding this narrative

(05:25):
that we are the same in all these ways, we
are not allowing ourselves to learn the differences, respect the differences,
and speak to those differences, which will then allow us
to have more harmony in relationships. And I feel that
if we could do that and really respect the other
gender's position on things. And of course you don't go
in just assuming all these generalized things apply to each person,

(05:49):
but they can be your basic foundation and then you
learn that individual and understand, okay, well, with her, maybe
she does want sex more than I do, right, Or
with this one, maybe she wants a little bit more
at this open and you are flexible. But I think
if people took that approach, they would have better dating experiences,
better relationships, much better marriages.

Speaker 3 (06:08):
All right.

Speaker 2 (06:09):
Because I can't tell you how many times I was
spoken to a husband and I was like, listen, emotionally, mentally,
she's not in the right place, and he's like, that
sounds stupid.

Speaker 3 (06:17):
That doesn't say exactly.

Speaker 2 (06:19):
And because and I have to say to the women,
some of them create this dynamic where when they're dating,
she doesn't talk about.

Speaker 3 (06:28):
Those things being important to her.

Speaker 2 (06:30):
She kind of plays along with the all right, she
just wants sex that much and she's just ready to
go at it with him, so he never learns and understands, no,
she needs more than that, all right, So we can Again,
there's so many different examples I could give, but I
do think one of the key things to people not
just meeting them. And I'll say I'll I'll get to

(06:51):
that in a second, but one of the key things
to mean the right person is just respecting the differences
of men and women. Now, piggy backing off of that,
the second thing is I think people are not having
success in dating because people are not accepting who they
are first.

Speaker 3 (07:06):
All right, Now, a lot.

Speaker 2 (07:08):
Of people may say you have to learn who you
are or to figure it out.

Speaker 3 (07:11):
I think a lot of life is accepting who we are.

Speaker 2 (07:14):
I like that there are things about us we know,
but society makes us feel shamed about it, tells us
there's something wrong with this, you know, And so now
we run away from certain realities of who we are.
One example I give for myself, I'm extremely ambitious. Maybe
two ambitious. I don't know if there's a such thing,
but I'm very, very ambitious. And for me, I'm always

(07:37):
striving for the next I gotta do more, I gotta
do more. I gotta conquer the next thing. But for
a long time I was told this was bad. Oh
you need to just enjoy the moment, celebrate it, stop
worrying about the next thing. All these things, and I
remember I took a month where I said, Okay, you
know what, I'm not gonna pursue anything else, I'm just
gonna rest in what I have be happy with it.
And it was one of my most depressed months in

(08:00):
my life.

Speaker 1 (08:00):
All right.

Speaker 2 (08:01):
I felt like a newter dog. It was like you
took all the fire out of me. And when I
finally got to a place of accepting, Okay, this is
who I am, and I'm wired this way for a reason.
God created me this way because there's a purpose for
me to carry out. How that then opens up the
dating or how that creates better dating experiences that now,

(08:23):
by me knowing this part of me and accepting it,
I understand, I can only choose someone who aligns.

Speaker 3 (08:29):
With that, you see.

Speaker 2 (08:31):
But if I'm sitting here trying to be something i'm not,
then I'm picking these people who don't truly fit me,
and I don't fit them. And that's why you have
these relationships or even these marriages where people wake up
five years later from this fog, this excitement they had
of their partner to finally see what's really there. And
it's like, we don't really like each other, or we

(08:51):
don't get along, or we don't really fit well together,
and we're constantly in conflict with each other. So if
we would just first really put more energy into understanding
who we are, accepting who we are, and then we
can then realize who we need to pick that alignance
with that that would change the landscape. And not only
would that change the landscape for so many people, it

(09:13):
would allow us to stop letting situations drag on longer
than they should. Because a lot of people, they meet someone,
they really like them, but they can sense something's missing
or something's off. But the problem with people is that
they're being told if you have this great person, you
can't pass that up.

Speaker 3 (09:31):
You see, if you don't.

Speaker 2 (09:32):
Have a very glaring reason that society deems as valid,
oh well, then you're being stupid or being ridiculous. It's like, no,
you have to trust your spirit, trust your intuition. Something
is telling you and it's probably something that you can see,
but maybe you can't articulate it, or again you don't
feel like it's valid enough.

Speaker 3 (09:52):
But I can tell you.

Speaker 2 (09:52):
From my position, those little things is what turns into
a big thing later and destroys the whole relationship.

Speaker 1 (09:59):
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, And a third one that doesn't have
to be.

Speaker 2 (10:03):
But I would say this, so you know, we said
understand the differences understand yourself, and the third one would
be healing. I have to always mention that because I
believe the number one issue that people are facing is
a lack of healing, and that plays into figuring yourself
out because again, you if you are operating out of

(10:24):
a place of fear or shame, or you've been told
you weren't good enough, or something about you wasn't good
even though that wasn't the case, well, that's going to
make you struggle with embracing that, right. And if you
aren't healed and you're carrying all these negative perceptions of
relationships love because a lot of people with their words
say I want love, but in reality, they're scared of

(10:45):
it all right. They fear being that vulnerable, so they
actually subconsciously choose partners who don't make them too vulnerable,
but they're good enough to be with, so to speak,
which is what I call the safe choice. Some people
hear me say the same choice, and they miss understand
what I'm saying. I'm not saying safe as in this
person creates a place of safety for you. I'm saying

(11:06):
this person doesn't take you to the true level of love,
true vulnerability you're able to have emotional control and manage
the situation. But because of that, you're never choosing someone
you're really into, and you can never be what they
really need either, And at some point it's going to
fall all apart. But it all goes back to healing.

(11:27):
We've got to heal, and not just heal from the
romantic relationships, from childhood, trauma, from everything, because it all
contributes to our struggle to connect with other individuals.

Speaker 1 (11:37):
A man, you said so many interesting things. I need
to like dissact now. So the first thing that came
to my mind, especially about the accepting yourself, which I
really like that idea of, rather than trying to just
learn about yourself or rather than trying to transform yourself,
there's an acceptance like who am I? Why am I
this way? What does that mean? And I feel like

(11:58):
in relationships, people looking for someone who perfectly compliments them
or perfectly fits them, as opposed to this idea that, oh,
that person accepts me for who I am and allows
me to be who I am. So I always say this,
I'm similar to you. I'm highly ambitious, really driven, love
what I get to do. I would be the same
as you if I took a mol like, I get that,

(12:20):
like I relate to all of those things, and my
wife is so much more like a family person like
quality Time. Wants to be ambitious, but she also wants
to be present and all the rest of it right,
and we are not a perfect fit in that sense,
But the reason it works for us is because she

(12:41):
allows me to be me and I allow her to
be her. I've accepted who I am and I know
what that means, and she accepts me and I accept
her back. So if I say to her, hey, you know,
I don't think I'm going to come to that family
event because I got this work thing that I really
want to get to, she accepts her. She's okay with that.
And if she said to me, I don't really want
to come up to you that business thing that you've
got today, I really want to just spend time with

(13:02):
my family, I'll be like cool. I get it, And
I feel like we're just looking for someone who kind
of wants to do the thing we want to do
with us all the time. But then you start realizing
it becomes about one person. But talking about ambition, I
wanted to ask you, do you think that men today
are struggling with being attracted to ambitious, driven, successful women.

Speaker 2 (13:26):
Yes, but so okay, I guess the reason why I'm
hesitating in the way I answer that is when you
say men today, because I would argue it's probably always
been like that. I just think that there's more ambitious
women now, and so there is this disconnect there. And
I think that the disconnect, though, isn't simply based off

(13:47):
of men not wanting an ambitious woman. I think we
got to go a lot deeper than that.

Speaker 1 (13:54):
Let's do it.

Speaker 2 (13:54):
And the unfortunate reality is that, and I want women
to understand. You know, again, I recognize that there are
some women who genuinely are wired that way, all right.
They it feeds them the same way it feeds us.
It feeds them to be achieving, to be doing stuff.
And I'm a firm believer. I want women to walk
in their truth, whatever it is. I will say, though,

(14:17):
there's a segment, at least a segment, a large segment
of those women who are ambitious out of necessity or
even fear. They've been told never rely on the man.
They've been told you have to take care of yourself, right,
and so with that they chase this career, but it's
actually at conflict with who they really are because deep

(14:37):
inside they actually are the women that values the family
time more being at the home, and there's nothing wrong
with that, but they have a segment of society telling them, oh,
you can't do that's wrong. You need to be out
there strong women to do your own thing. And so
those women will have a conflict in data because they're
already at conflict with themselves, okay, and that has to

(14:59):
be corrected. I always encourage women like, listen, be real
with yourself. There's a lot of women who they do
the work that they do not because they love the
work or having to work, but they love the lifestyle
that affords them okay, which is why for many of them,
whenever we have the conversation about why can't you date
a man who's making less right, well, part of it

(15:21):
is because in the back of her mind, if she
has a dream of one day being able to leave work,
she wants a man who can keep the lifestyle up, okay,
and if he's making less well, then in her mind,
how will he be able to keep her lifestyle and
maintain him It's like, no, he's got to be making
as much or if not more, so I can keep
this life that I've built for myself and I love

(15:42):
very much. But again, I think it all starts with understanding, Okay,
is this really who you are or not? Now going
back to the men, I do think there is a
struggle with a lot of men. One of the things
that at least it comes to mind first for me,
the issue.

Speaker 3 (15:58):
Of low testos wrong.

Speaker 2 (16:00):
And so I'm very passionate about the whole testosterone issue,
and I do want men to understand it's deeper than
just testosterone, because sometimes we're so fixed. Like you could
have high testosterone, but if your quartersole levels are too high,
your body's not even processing the testosterone correctly. Your stress
is blocking it, if your vitamin D is too low,
if you're be too there's other things that can throw

(16:21):
it off. So don't think of life as let me
just fix my testosterone and that's it.

Speaker 3 (16:26):
But that could be a huge game changer for out
of men.

Speaker 2 (16:29):
So if you have a man who's already because I
always say some men are not lazy, they're unhealthy, all right.
And if he is not healthy, he has low testosterone,
his ability to handle embrace respect and ambitious. It's going
to be a struggle in some ways. Well, it'll be
a struggle in the sense that it might make him
feel inadequate the way that she may carry herself with

(16:51):
that ambition. However, I would argue that some of those men,
a lot of those men, probably want the ambitious woman
simply because for him, I need somebody who can carry
the load, okay, And if she's gonna come into my
life and stabilize.

Speaker 3 (17:05):
Me, then great.

Speaker 2 (17:06):
The real problem is the ambitious woman does not want
that man.

Speaker 3 (17:13):
She's probably in.

Speaker 2 (17:14):
Most cases looking for a man who is also ambitious.

Speaker 3 (17:17):
Right.

Speaker 2 (17:18):
And this is where the disconnect comes, because now it's
kind of like the whole discussion of having two alphas
in a relationship, two very strong personalities. There's no real
balance there, okay. And for a lot of women, what
they're overlooking is what most men value, or at least
most men who are ambitious themselves, who do take care

(17:40):
of themselves. They're looking for a compliment to that. They're
looking for someone who can love them, pour into them,
you know, contribute to a peaceful environment. He doesn't care
about your money and your ambition as much.

Speaker 3 (17:52):
Right.

Speaker 2 (17:53):
But the guy who doesn't have for himself, Well, he's
gonna put more value on those things, and it becomes
this mismatch of individuals. So a lot of these women
who are ambitious, it's not that they cannot get a man.
They're struggling to get the type of men they desire,
all right. And again, as I said earlier about how
we focus on the desirables not the non desirables. When

(18:15):
she says I can't meet anyone, she's not literally saying
I can't meet any man. She's just saying I'm not
meeting anyone I actually like and want to pay attention to.

Speaker 3 (18:24):
So in her mind, I'm not.

Speaker 2 (18:26):
Meeting anyone, you see. And so there is a problem
with a lot of men. And I do think again,
I would pose the question to a lot of women,
are you going to be happy in the long run
in that kind of a dynamic? You know, is that
really going to serve you? Or is that a right
now in the moment thing. Because there's a lot of

(18:47):
ambitious women who accepted maybe the less ambitious man right
because he thinks, all right, well, he loves me is
going to you know, he'll be there for me. I
can trust this relationship but in over time she becomes
frustrated with him. You know, he doesn't take initiative. He's
not as asserative as she wants him to be. He
doesn't exude the same level of mask andrew that she
desires for a man, and that will take its toll

(19:09):
and eventually it will probably blow up the whole relationship.

Speaker 1 (19:13):
Yeah, and that's it's a tough situation to be in
because you just don't have any idea where things are
going to go right. You don't know, Like I always
say that when my wife met me, I was in
debt and had no job, and she was, you know,

(19:33):
wonderful enough to be in love with me in that
place in my life, and we didn't know that things
were ever going to change. But she was kind of like,
as long as we're stable and you find a job
and we're good, then things will be great. And I
remember that giving me a lot of confidence, Like even
though I was in such a like place of like
I remember, I was getting rejected from companies. I wasn't
getting any jobs because I just left the monastery, like

(19:55):
I wasn't. It was really tough getting back from the work,
but her being there it kind of gave me confidence
in myself and kind of made me go, oh wow, Well,
if a woman like that can, you know, believe enough
to be with a man like me, then then I've
got to work for it now. And I think the
key is are you willing to do that in a
way that gives someone confidence or are you someone who

(20:15):
gets so affected by it? Well, no matter where gender
you are, well you're now making the other person feel
bad for it. Right, whatever gender you are, if you're
always like, oh, come on, you're just lazy, Come on,
you need to do more. If you feel that way
about your partner, chances are that that's going to push
them away, not motivate them to do better.

Speaker 2 (20:32):
Absolutely, But I think what has to be considered in
like using your situation as example, is that she didn't
have to create ambition in you. She activated it, she
energized it, okay, but it already existed with her to you.
So for her it was very fortunate that thing said,
she found a man who actually wanted to make more
of himself. The unfortunate reality is that there's a lot

(20:55):
of women who will take that approach with a man
and believe that Okay, if I love on him and
point into him, this will get him to step up,
and it's like, no, he does not have it in him,
and nothing you can do. Like, when you think about it,
anyone who's successful has had experiences where whether it be friends, family,
or random people, where you've tried to help someone and

(21:16):
no matter what you.

Speaker 3 (21:17):
Gave, you can give them the whole blueprint, right, you can.

Speaker 2 (21:21):
Fund them, you can do everything, and it still becomes
nothing because it's just not in them. We cannot make
them into something that they're not. So I think it's
important that for a woman, if you're gonna take that approach,
you have to do your due diligence of understanding who
he is as a man, his true character. Are you

(21:41):
projecting a fantasy and a POTENTI on him that doesn't
really exist?

Speaker 3 (21:46):
All right? What does he see in himself?

Speaker 2 (21:47):
Like I would argue, I don't even know what conversations
you guys had, but there's a very good chance that
if I was there, you were speaking as a man
who wanted to accomplish things. So she was just all right,
I'm gonna support that, I'm gonna get behind you. That's
very different from a woman saying to him like for example,
well you could do this and you can become this,
and it's like, okay, No, he has to want that.

Speaker 3 (22:08):
He has to have that vision, you see.

Speaker 2 (22:10):
And I think that's where people, you know, get tripped
up and end up in the situations where and to
your point, the key is ask yourself, as a woman,
are you gonna be okay if this man never changes?
Because you're placing a bet, all right, there's no guarantee
you're gonna win this bet. Are you gonna be okay
this man never changes? If not, I would suggest, because

(22:34):
here's another angle. We could look at her presence. Her
love gave you confidence, But did that have to be
given within the context of a girlfriend boyfriend relationship exactly?
So if a woman really believes in the man, but
she knows if this man doesn't change, I'm gonna be
really upset, all right, and I'm gonna feel cheated. Then

(22:54):
all we're saying is maybe don't cross romantic lines yet.
Let that man know, because I'll tell you that if
he has it in him and he has a desire
for that woman, and that woman said to him, listen,
I think you can make a great partner. I would
love to be with you, but I need you to
get to a more stable place first. If he's serious,
that's his motivation right there. That will get him because

(23:15):
as long as he knows, oh, I can get the
woman that of my dreams, a woman I love if
I put in the work. Okay, I'm gonna do that,
but by getting with him while in the process. For
a lot of men, they only do to acquire. And
if they already acquired, then what am I going to
do anything for? What do I need to go work
and all this extra stuff or try to do more

(23:37):
to make more money.

Speaker 3 (23:38):
When I'm getting fed, I'm getting sex, have a roof
over my head.

Speaker 2 (23:42):
For a lot of men, that is enough. There's only
a smaller segment of men who you can give them
all those things and it doesn't matter they.

Speaker 3 (23:51):
Have to do more. It's just who they are.

Speaker 2 (23:53):
So that has to be acknowledged and recognized when a
woman's going to determine that she's going to actually engage
in that kind of a dynamic.

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(25:27):
right now, in dating, men have a bad reputation. Men
get a lot of blame. Is it fair?

Speaker 3 (25:36):
It is unfair, completely unfair. One of the big.

Speaker 2 (25:39):
Problems that exists is that a lot of women are
not being told accurate stories of other women's dating experiences.
Now that isn't to say there aren't genuinely bad men
out there, bad experiences and all that, but what they
felt to understand is that whether it be their friends,
their family, whoever, when she goes on that date or

(26:00):
she's in that relationship and things go wrong, she may
leave out parts of what she did to contribute to
the problem. And so you're hearing this very one sided
view of the situation, which is gonna almost always paint
the man in the negative light. And so the woman
starts to develop this very negative perception of men based

(26:22):
off all these stories she's being fed. Then you add
the Internet, right, and the Internet is built off of
sensationalism and people coming up with all kinds of craziness
to make the opposite gender look bad. So whether it's
men talking about women, or women talking about or the
same gender talking down on their gend, whatever it is.
They're trying to hype up negative stories. So even though

(26:43):
these negative stories exist, we don't always realize they're not
so much the majority. They could be the minority. They're
just being pushed a lot more. And so yeah, it
does create this very unfair, this unfair view of men,
and I think there's again a little bit on both sides.

Speaker 3 (27:00):
To be honest with you.

Speaker 1 (27:01):
Talk to me about how do those negative stories actually
affect us, because I think we don't think about that
sometimes in terms of if every time you're talking to someone,
it's like, oh yeah, this just happened. Oh yeah, yeah,
same thing happened to my friend. Oh yeah, same thing
happened to that friend. And like you said, we don't
have the full data. It's not always happened to us.
And then it spreads. But what is that psychologically and
even emotionally due to our own mind and brain and heart.

Speaker 2 (27:23):
Well, I think it's just human nature to where we
take our negative experiences and we projected onto that demographic
of whoever it's attached to. So it's like if someone
gets robbed by a certain demographic of people, they may
start to develop a fear towards that those people, even
though it was one isolated incident, they now become cautious

(27:45):
to them. So, in dating, when you start to experience
or hear all these negative things towards men, let's say, well,
you're naturally going to become more defensive, more negative.

Speaker 3 (27:56):
And then what you don't realize is you.

Speaker 2 (27:58):
Create these fulfilling prophecies because you go into the dating
experience bracing for negativity or projecting it, not realizing you're
creating it, okay, and so what also makes it worse?
And it hit me when you were asking the question,
is that And again, I don't want women to feel
like I'm just saying like women don't take any responsibility

(28:18):
or anything like that, because there's plenty of women who do. However,
it is more likely when a woman goes to her
friends and family to tell her that tell them that
this relationship fell apart, they're gonna say, you know you're
you're better than that, he doesn't deserve you. Those type
of things to build her up, make her feel good,
not really pointing out where she may have gotten things wrong.

(28:39):
The man goes to his friends and other people about
the relationship that fell apart. Man, you were stupid anyway
you should have done this. Like, they're gonna come down
on him regardless, and whether he likes it or not,
he's gonna have to accept some level of personal accountability. Well,
that also now shapes how they approach the next dating situation. Now, unfortunately,

(29:00):
I do think that there are some men who when
they run to the internet and they hear women bad women,
bad women bad, they become blind to their own flaws.
But I think you can make the argument that women
have an audience of uplifters more than men do, and
that will now skew how people view the opposite sex.

(29:21):
And now those negative stories are only going to have
even more of an impact because if I'm being told
as a woman, I'm great, nothing's wrong with me, These
men are horrible, right, and there's nothing for me to
do different. So then anything that goes wrong will always
be viewed through the lens of men are just horrible people.

(29:41):
Like You're never gonna think, well, wait a minute, maybe
there was something missing from this story, or maybe she
could have handled things different. No, you're gonna jump right
to their bad because that's what you're being told over
and over again, and then it's being solidified by some
of your own personal experiences, but you may not realize
what's contributing to those experiences even coming about.

Speaker 1 (30:04):
Yeah, that's a really interesting way to look at it.
Because there was a Facebook group and I forget what
it's called now, but it's basically for I think it's
called are we Dating the same man? And it's been
built because there are so many women who are experiencing
men dating them at the same time, even though he's
saying is exclusive with one. So I had this happened

(30:24):
to someone that I know recently, and she was seeing
this guy for like six months and then they were
or three months, sorry, they're seeing each other for three months.
They were getting a bit closer. It was long distance.
He'd come out to see her, and she was about
to go and see him. So she messaged him and said, Hey,
I'm coming out. I just want to make sure that

(30:45):
we're taking in the right direction because she's buying a flight,
she's coming over, she's investing in the relationship, and this
guy who messages it every day just ghosted her. So
she went onto this Facebook group and she wrote about
it a few days later when she was like, wait
a minute, this guy's not getting back to me. I've
lost the flight ticket. Not in a great place. And
then this other woman messaged back and was like, hey,

(31:06):
let's connect off line. So then she shared her story.
This guy supposedly is married. He's then been dating this
other girl who just found out that he's married, saying
he was going to get divorced, and now he was
dating the person that I know. And so I think
when you hear a story like that, it's no surprise
that that spreads because that's a fascinating, juicy story and

(31:26):
it's heartbreaking for the people that are actually invested and
involved in it. And I think that empathy. Even when
I heard that story, I was so heartbroken. But we
have to remember that isn't the majority exact. It does exist,
and it's really sad, and if it's happened to you,
I'm so sorry, Like I feel like that could be
the worst thing to go through, But it isn't the majority,

(31:48):
and we have to be careful about how we amplify
the minority experience exactly.

Speaker 2 (31:53):
And I think what we're not realizing as a society
is that the reality is there. We base our perceptions
of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables,
all right, that top twenty percent of men or women
who get the most attention, who have the most opportunities.
And it kind of goes back to that belief of
how great power can corrupt.

Speaker 3 (32:14):
All right.

Speaker 2 (32:15):
So even the good, nice guy, if he now becomes
a man who has all kinds of beautiful women coming
after him, he has.

Speaker 3 (32:23):
All this access.

Speaker 2 (32:24):
Not all, but there are many who will start to
fall into behaviors that they wouldn't have before, who will
start to become more of a womanizer, who will start
to enjoy all this access that they have, right. And
the reality is that when we hear these stories, this
is not a story of the average man who just
wants a relationship looking for love. Is genuine. Maybe he

(32:47):
doesn't get all the attention, maybe he's not the most
desirable guy, but he's a good guy. But that's not
where we're going to put our attention. And it's the
same thing with women. When you hear men on the
internet say women just want money. Women just want money,
not granted, women value financial stability in men most okay,
and I think that most men should strive from some
level of stability. However, there are tons of women dating

(33:09):
broke men right. There are tons of women who that
is not their number one priority. It's a desire, but
they want to be loved, they want quality time, they
want these other things.

Speaker 3 (33:20):
But again, if it's.

Speaker 2 (33:22):
Not being said by the audience that the men fixate
so much on, they don't hear those voices. They just
focus on the women who are Again and I'm using
the word desirables not because I'm determining what's desirable. I'm
just laying out the people who get the most attention,
who tend to get more attention for whatever reason, right
or wrong. That's what happens in life. And so we

(33:43):
got to realize that they do not represent the majority.
And we have to ask ourselves sometimes, are we focusing
too much on the wrong group of people when we're
trying to come to an understanding of the opposite sex?

Speaker 1 (33:58):
For sure? When people are dating, what some of the
things to look out for when you're thinking about long
term success, Because I think the challenge people are having
now is like someone will love to bomb them. For
three months, everything's moving amazing, It's getting really intense, like
dates are great, hanging out it's great, the intimacy is great,
and then all of a sudden, it's like one person

(34:19):
kind of checks out and goes, hey, I don't think
this's working for me. We're moving too fast. Hey, we
should slow this down. Hey, I think we've rushed into it.
And then you're like, wait a minute. I thought we
were going to get married, right, I thought this was
going somewhere. What are we meant to do? What are
people meant to do in those first three, six, twelve
months if you had to give markers to kind of

(34:40):
slow it down, because I think we all want to
fall in love fast, but it doesn't seem to ever
work healthily that way, or it doesn't work often healthily
that way.

Speaker 2 (34:48):
Well, before I get into what we should do with
those markers, I think the I always say this love
bombing is only when it's a one sided thing. So
basically two people me one person is showing them with
all this love and attention and going hard, and for
the other person, it's not them saying, oh, I'm in

(35:08):
love with them, it's them saying this feels so good. Yes,
I'm enjoying this. Let me keep this going. You see,
but if you both and let's use a different example
where you can have two people meet and they both
feel this intense connection immediately, they are both feeling strongly
about each other. To me, that's not a love bomb,
all right, that's just a connection that two people are

(35:30):
embracing a lot quicker than maybe some others would.

Speaker 1 (35:32):
All right, good distinctions.

Speaker 2 (35:34):
So now if those two people moved quote unquote fast
by society standards, I don't have a problem with that
as long as they do their due diligence, which is
part of what we got to do within those times
market times. But there's nothing wrong. Like I knew a
couple they came to one of my events. They got married,
I think in like three four months, and they said
they watched one of my videos and family and friends

(35:55):
are like, oh, this is stupid, this is wrong. But
they heard me explain it, and they're like, this was them.
This applied to them. They felt a connection, they were
on the same page. And what people have to understand
is one couples three months is not the same as
the next couples three months. So one couple in their
three months may have been talking every single day, spending
time multiple times a week, asking all these questions, diving

(36:17):
deep to each other, meeting each other's families. They've done
so much due diligence. They don't need years more to
figure this out. The next couple they talk here and there,
they see each other once, so a wee get every
other week. They're very busy. Yeah, and so the moments
together feel great, But they really haven't spent enough time

(36:38):
diving deep into each other. So we have to remember that.
But as far as what we should be doing is
we should be trying to learn as much about the
person as quickly as possible. I think too many times
we have an approach of like going with the flow
type of deal. For sure, all right, and we'll just
figure it out as we go along. And in reality,

(37:01):
there's a part of it that doesn't want to rock
the boat because again, we're enjoying the companionship. If you're
having sex, you're enjoying the sex. There's different benefits here
that you don't want to let go of. So you're
purposely or subconsciously not asking questions you know might be
a problem, all right, And so now when things blow
up a year, ladies, you never know some no, you

(37:23):
wouldn't ask the question that need to be asked. The
quicker you can put those questions out there. The quicker
you can expose. And I use the word exposed not
in a negative way, but in a way of gaining clarity, Yes,
revealing who this person is and.

Speaker 3 (37:36):
What we have with each other.

Speaker 2 (37:38):
Yeah, okay, But I also think that it always starts
with we have to be honest about how we feel.
Too many people are choosing their partner based off of
do they love me?

Speaker 3 (37:50):
Rather than do I love them?

Speaker 2 (37:51):
Okay, and if you don't truly love them, if you're
not in love with them, nothing else matters. Because if
you think it's gonna be safe for you to pick
them because they love you. So when you have that
scenario where you said, all right, things are going real fast,
let's paint it. Man, love bombs the woman. He's going hard,
and let's just say he's really infatuated with this woman.

(38:13):
So to him, he believes I'm into this woman. To her,
she doesn't really, she's not into him like that. But man,
he's a nice guy. This feels so good. All right,
I'm gonna go along with it. Six months eight months
past whatever he pulls back This is not always the case,
but in many cases he pulls back because he finally
wakes up and realizes, dang, I'm doing all this for

(38:35):
this woman, but she's not really into me. And it
may not be him coming to that realization first. It
might be a friend or family members, like, no, do
you see how she moves? I notice you do this,
but she doesn't do this for you. And now he
starts to think like, man, wait a minute, she really
she's not coming at me the way I come at her.
But in that moment, let's say he tries to pull away, Well,

(38:56):
she's enjoying this attention so much she doesn't want to
lose it, whether if she's in love with him or not,
and her fear of losing it now tricks her into thinking,
I'm in love with this man, So now she fights
to keep him. And then now he feels okay, validated,
she's trying they move forward. But the reality was they
were never both truly in love with each other. He

(39:17):
was infatuated and she was just enjoying how it felt,
and they reached a point where she was afraid to
lose this. And of course, whether you're a man or
a woman, who's the one going hard. You don't want
to feel like all your time was wasted. You don't
want to feel like.

Speaker 3 (39:30):
You were wrong.

Speaker 2 (39:30):
So if they give you anything to hold on to,
you're gonna run with it. And next thing you know,
you're married with kids and you're like, well, what happened.
What happened was you two were never truly in love
with each other. So in those three months, six months, whatever,
do your due diligence and really be honest with yourself
about how you feel about this person, because if you

(39:52):
don't have it in you trust and believe, whatever they
think they're having for you is not true love.

Speaker 3 (39:58):
It's something else going on.

Speaker 1 (40:00):
And even for the person who does the love bombing
to realize that no one will ever be able to
match you like because and you wanting them to match
you isn't even fair because it was already above and
beyond what a normal person would do. And so even
when you're sitting there and you're going like, oh, well
they're not doing the same thing back for me or whatever,

(40:20):
it's like, yeah, no surprise, it's three months, and like,
how are you're expecting someone to reciprocate in that way
in three months, and I think, for me, you know what,
you hit the nail on the head, like I've been
looking at it and I can't relate to in dating anymore
because I'm not dating. But I was looking at a
new business opportunity and I was meeting a potential new

(40:41):
business partner and it was the same exact thing. I
felt a good connection, so did. They were really excited
to get going. Then I spoke to some good advisors
that I have in my life and they're like, have
you asked these questions? And I was like, nah, but
it just feels good. I haven't asked these questions, Like, well,
you should ask those questions. And the whole reason I
didn't want to ask those questions is because I thought
it would ruin the connection. But it was so funny.

(41:03):
I sat down last week asked the questions and actually
the questions made me feel more confident. But there were
more questions I realized I hadn't asked, So now I
followed up with those questions. And that's what I've realized.
If you are scared of asking questions because you're scared
that they will weaken the relationship, it's actually the other
way around. If you ask the right questions and it's

(41:25):
the right relationship, it will strengthen the relationship exact, actually
come closer. And so asking the right questions isn't about
ruining a good thing. It's about making sure it's an
actually good thing exactly. And I've been feeling in business
all this in the last couple of weeks. It has
been my life. So you've really opened my eyes to
that right now, that just how much we're so in
our head about trying to save something that doesn't even

(41:47):
exist yet exactly exactly.

Speaker 2 (41:49):
And like you said, I if it's going to scare
them away, then you saved yourself the time because it's
going to be a bad situation.

Speaker 3 (41:56):
So never fear it.

Speaker 2 (41:57):
We just have to We have to get out of
our own personerception of what we think we want or
what's good or what's better. It's like, no, just if
it's not there, it's not there, and that means something
better will come along.

Speaker 1 (42:09):
Yeah, is the cliche. If he wanted to, he would true.

Speaker 3 (42:14):
It is absolutely false. I hate that. It is one
of the many I hate. And here's the reason why
I hate it. It can be true.

Speaker 2 (42:23):
So, Okay, if we look at human beings, as when
we're younger and we haven't experienced any trauma, disappointment, all
these things, then I think something like that can be true.
So think about like two kids in high school, right,
and the boys never experienced love. He falls for some woman,
there's nothing that will pretty much stop him in many

(42:44):
cases from going after that woman, pursuing all these things.
But the reality is that as human beings, we go
through life experiences that make us cautious, that make us fearful,
that cause us to doubt, right, And so now it
can create a level of hesitation willingness to cross certain lines.
So yes, a man could love a woman, he could

(43:05):
be willing, but you have to find out what may
be the blockage. So to me, it's fine. I will
apply that saying if a woman has let it be
known to that man what she needs from him, okay.
So for example, two people start dating and she's really
big on communication, right, So she wants to hear from

(43:27):
him every single day. Okay, he's calling every few days, right,
And some girlfriend says to her, well, if he wanted to,
he would, and she runs with that and cuts him
off because well, clearly he must not be serious. But
what you didn't know was the last girl he dated,
when he called her every day, she felt like he
was smothering her. So now he's scared to call every

(43:47):
day because he doesn't know what you want. He doesn't
want to come off needy or overbearing or whatever, so
he's trying to play it cool. It has nothing to
do with his desire or willingness. It has everything to
do with him trying to navigate this situation because of
what he's either been advised or been through or whatever.
So that's why the key is if that same woman
says to him, listen, I'm not hearing from you as

(44:10):
much as I want to. If you're gonna date me,
I need to have constant, you know, consistent communication. We
need to talk every single day. Now, if he's really
serious about her, he'll call her every day.

Speaker 3 (44:19):
You give him them the green light. He's gonna do it,
you see.

Speaker 2 (44:22):
And if he's not serious about her, then he will
probably come up with excuses, he'll dance around it, whatever
the case may be. But now you can run with
that statement because it's been made clear to him. But
there's so many underlying things going on and so many reasons,
especially when you consider the advice being given on the
internet nowadays. All right, Like there is literally advice that
tells people ignore someone if you want them more or

(44:45):
want them to want you more. Okay, Like literally, when
you understand what people are being fed, then you start
to realize it's not as simple as if they want
to they would no talk to them first. And then
I always say, the way to determine how serious someone
is about you is not in seeing what they do
on their own, is seeing how they handle your expression

(45:07):
of concerns and feelings. All right, Okay, that's what's gonna
show you how not just how serious they are about you,
but how mature they are, and if they're emotionally ready
to be in a relationship, because someone who cannot hear
you out is not ready for.

Speaker 3 (45:21):
A real relationship. All right.

Speaker 2 (45:23):
But if they can sit talk to you, listen, not dismiss,
and now make positive changes, all right, then it's all good.

Speaker 3 (45:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (45:30):
But I find that's the thing, going back to your
third point, I find that's the thing that's so hard
today because that requires healing. To be able to hear
someone out, to be able to listen to someone's concerns
and challenges, and how they feel, and to actually validate
it without invalidating yourself, right. I think that's why we
struggle so much, because if someone's saying something like if

(45:52):
you were saying to me like, hey, J like you know,
I don't like the way that you know your friends
speak to me when they're around. If I hear that,
I start defending my friends because I'm what are you doing?
My friends are amazing, They're the best, They're the greatest.
Now I've invalidated you to validate myself. Because we think
validation means I invalidate you, I validate myself, or if

(46:14):
I validate you, then I'm invalidating myself. Maturity is oh,
I could validate you and also stand true to who
I am. Yes, that's a healed individual, and so I
can agree with you and I can also share my perspective.
But I find that if we're looking for that off
the bat, don't you feel like that portion of people
is really small?

Speaker 2 (46:34):
It is, But this is the unfortunate, harsh reality because
that portion is so small, and because we overlook those
types of issues, Well, that's why we have so much
unhealthy relationships.

Speaker 3 (46:46):
That's why we have such a high divorce rate.

Speaker 2 (46:48):
And I always tell people people love to harbor on
the divorce rate as an argument not to get married,
and I'm like, hold up, if we could quantify the
breakup rate, it will probably make the divorce rate look
like toiles play. All right, people break up way more
and so much trauma, so much hurt happens in the
boyfriend girlfriend relationship dynamic. So the reality is that, yes,

(47:11):
if we took this approach that said someone needs to
be emotionally mature before we can enter in the relationship
with them, relationships will plummet. There will be a lot
less relationships. However, two things would happen from that. There
would be more healthy relationships and people would start to
realize this is an unacceptable.

Speaker 3 (47:31):
Trait that they're caring with them.

Speaker 2 (47:33):
If people are experiencing where they can be dismissive, they
cannot learn to be emotionally in tune and mature and
intelligent enough to how to handle someone's feelings and concerns.
But they will never understand the need to fix that,
all right, And it's the same it's that same issue.
Like literally, I was just coaching a married couple who
they're going through it right now. And one of the

(47:55):
big issues is they're both very dismissive of each other
when they're expressing their concerns. All right, So it's like, yeah,
you can look past us if you want, but you're gonna.

Speaker 3 (48:04):
Pay your price. Is that price worth it?

Speaker 2 (48:07):
And most do not survive that at some point You're
gonna have to learn it anyway, right, So I just think, yeah,
I think it'd be best and I understand and I'm
speaking idealistically. Realistically, most people are gonna overlook this issue.
Most people are gonna give a pass, right, But I
think even if you're gonna give a pass to a
certain extent.

Speaker 3 (48:28):
It needs to be discussed. It needs to be understood.

Speaker 2 (48:31):
And to your point, I love that you said, because
I really a dusted a video on my men's channel.

Speaker 3 (48:35):
About how to communicate with a woman more.

Speaker 2 (48:38):
Effectively, and one of the things I expressed was how
I listen in that situation where she says, I don't
like the way your friends speaks to me. You can
still say, I understand that's how you feel. I don't
see it that way, but let me try to understand
why you feel that way.

Speaker 3 (48:53):
You see what I'm saying, So I'm gonna meet you
where you are.

Speaker 2 (48:55):
I'm gonna acknowledge your feelings. I'm still gonna express my
view is different than yours. But let's see if we
can come to an understanding of this that in itself
would eliminate so many arguments to so much conflict just
by doing that. So I do think that men and women,
everyone needs to understand.

Speaker 3 (49:15):
We need to strive for that at the very least.

Speaker 1 (49:17):
Yeah, yeah, for sure, because it's that That's what that unhealed,
immature version of us does. It just wants us to
stay in the zone of I'm right, you're wrong, it's
my way. You're always not working out, and we got
to do it this way. And I think the other
thing that's really blocking a lot of people. And I
ask you this not because I'm trying to give a

(49:39):
question that I think a lot of people ask but
actually know it is I think this is an important
question because I think a lot of people have a
type going back to your desirables, that they're looking for.
Is that helping or hurting them when they're dating.

Speaker 2 (49:53):
So there's nothing wrong with a type to a certain extent,
as long as you're not so married to that type
to where there's no flexibility outside that, all right, But
I do think that at the end of the day,
and this may sound bad to some people, but this
is just the reality of it. The more desirable you are,
the more it becomes even necessary for you to have

(50:13):
a type. So the analogy I like to give is,
let's just say someone's applying at a job at Walmart.
And that's no shade to Walmart or anyone who works
at the Walmart, right, but the reality is that to
be a cashier at Walmart comes with less requirements, right,
And not many people are all lining up to go
work at Walmart. So Walmart might get five applicants, right,

(50:33):
they can sit down with each applicant.

Speaker 3 (50:36):
They can be more.

Speaker 2 (50:36):
Flexible and see who fits the job. If Google is
hiring for a sixth figure or seventh figure position, they're
gonna have thousands of applicants, right. There's gonna be a
greater level of requirement there has to be at this position.
And now they can't sit down with every person. They're
gonna have to weed them out. And once upon a time,
how do they do that. They would eliminate you by

(50:58):
the color of your resumes, the font on your bask
forget your qualifications, okay, just the mere presentation because they
had to. They had to weed it down to a
certain segment, and then from there choos who's gonna be best.
So in dating and relationships, there's nothing wrong with honing
in on your audience that you want to pull from. However,

(51:22):
I think that now, I think I know that connection
can transcend our type, okay, and I believe the key
is always being open to connection in whatever package it comes. Now,
I want people to understand when I say whatever package,
it doesn't mean you won't be attracted to them, all right.
It doesn't mean you're gonna be disgusted by them any
kind of way. It just means that plenty of people,

(51:42):
if not everyone, even when having a type, have found
someone outside that box that they found attractive, all right,
that they may even feel drawn to. You have to
be open and flexible in that way, all right. And
I think for me it's less about having such a
strict type, but more so fundamental principles, Like I think
attraction is important, all right, Communication is important. There's a

(52:06):
level of if you're into energy, or you can pick
up on people's energy, that's gonna be important, and to me,
those are foundational things. It's less about where they got
to be this tall or they have to have this
type of job, but there are some core traits that
there's nothing wrong with that. So I do think for
those that the type is working against, it's because they
might be too strict, there's no flexibility, and they're also

(52:28):
not understanding are you the type that the type wants? Okay,
so you can want your type all you want, that's fine, right,
nothing wrong with that, But are you really tapping into
the type of partner they would want? And if and
it's not even are you.

Speaker 3 (52:45):
Willing and both? Can you sustain that? All right?

Speaker 2 (52:49):
Because there's a lot of people trying to present a
certain kind of way to get this type of individual,
and they may get them, but they can't keep it up.
I'm gonna give one example, and again it's never shaded
to any gender when I use them as an example.
But let's say there's a man who wants this ridiculously
beautiful woman, right who is accustomed to the high life,

(53:09):
all right, and having all kinds of men shower her
with gifts and money, and he knows one he don't
have money like that, and two, he does not have
the desire to keep up that lifestyle, but he's so
infatuated with this woman. He goes and he pulls out
all the stops, fancy Denna's, gives all these things, and
he gets her. But then after a few months, the

(53:30):
real hym comes out and now he doesn't want to
go to the nice restaurant, he doesn't want to take
the nice trip.

Speaker 3 (53:35):
He thinks that bag is way too expensive.

Speaker 2 (53:39):
And now she's pissed off because it's like, wait a minute,
you sold me on this. And to him, it's, oh, well,
you're ungrateful or you're no. You tricked her. You tricked her,
and you tricked yourself because you were so fixated on this.

Speaker 3 (53:51):
Type and this person. But you never question can you
really be that?

Speaker 2 (53:56):
Are you really that? And can you keep that going
for the rest of your life? And if you can't,
all right, go to a different, different type of different
type of you know, person, whatever that.

Speaker 3 (54:06):
Fits who you are.

Speaker 2 (54:06):
And it goes back to really understanding who you are,
accepting it, and embracing the type of people who fit
that individual for sure.

Speaker 1 (54:15):
And that's such a great example because it's a simple one,
but it actually applies to all the deeper things too.
Anything you're infatuated by in another person and you pretend
to be that, whether it's you're interested in a specific sport,
you're interested in hanging around those places, you're interested in
their business. You like you said, you're tricking yourself. And
so many people are doing that. And a lot of

(54:36):
these are tricks, and you even called out some of them.
I think there's so much bad advice right now. There's
so many of these kind of myths that are just
floating about. And one of the big ones is I
want to get your take on this. Should the person
you're dating or seeing feel jealous when you get attention?
Is that a sign of love?

Speaker 2 (54:54):
My instinct to is say no, yeah, I'm with you.
I think think, to be honest with you, there's a
level of insecurity there all right.

Speaker 3 (55:04):
Now.

Speaker 2 (55:04):
Don't get me wrong. I do think when we love someone,
there may be at least some part of us, right
that's going to have an eye open to all.

Speaker 3 (55:12):
This attention you're getting. Well, shooting, that's natural, but to
be bothered by it usually speaks to.

Speaker 2 (55:20):
You not having a sureness in yourself all right, relation
and in the relationship exactly that, and that's such a key.

Speaker 3 (55:26):
So I'm going to give a quick story.

Speaker 2 (55:27):
Because I think this is please lines up perfectly. I
once had a man who came to me. He was
having a problem in his marriage, and his issue was
his wife had this male best friend who she was
showing all this attention to.

Speaker 3 (55:40):
Okay, and he was.

Speaker 2 (55:41):
Like, they would be arguing about this friend, and he
she just doesn't want to let go of this friend
and all these things. And I said, well, listen, trying
to argue against her friend when she's saying it's nothing,
it's platonic, there's nothing there. Do you have none to
worry about? Is a very difficult battle. Let me ask
you what's the quality.

Speaker 3 (55:59):
Of the relation. And he's like, oh, it's not that great.
We got some issues.

Speaker 2 (56:02):
I said, Okay, before we worry about this friend, let's
focus on solidifying the relationship. All right, let's make that strong,
let's make that good, and then see what happens.

Speaker 3 (56:12):
He hit me up.

Speaker 2 (56:13):
I want to say, like three four months later, he said, man,
your advice worked perfectly. By him shifting his focus to
the relationship quality and fixing everything in there, the issue
with the friend completely disappeared. She naturally was not showing
the friend any more attention like she wasn't eymore. Just
everything fell into place. So going back to your point

(56:35):
about jealousy, Yes, I feel people aren't being honest with themselves,
that they do not feel secure in their relationship for
various reasons, and this attention that your partner is getting
is a threat to you. It is a threat that well,
what if they'd like it so much they take someone
up on their offer. All right, But if you really
felt good about yourself and this relationship, you're just not

(56:57):
gonna worry about it. And I think also it goes
go to a level of I'm gonna use the word
evolving in life and understanding that you cannot control everything.
So to me, I just feel like and I have
a feeling you're probably the same exact way. I'm not
gonna be worried about this attention again. But at the
end of the day, if you're gonna do something wrong,
you're gonna do it wrong. Me trying to police you,
it's a waste of my energy. It is too stressful.

(57:20):
I don't want that life. All right, do your thing now.
If you do something you're not supposed to do, you
will pay a consequence. I will let you go, but
I'm not gonna sit here and check on this and
watch this or you can't go here. Man, do what
makes you happy, enjoy yourself, and I want you to
live in your truth. I don't want to suppress you
in any kind of way. And I'm gonna bring this

(57:42):
up and I'm just gonna say this is a theory.
I'm not saying I'm accurate, but it's something for everyone
to think about. So talking about attention, I do think
that in most cases the is the dynamic is usually
the woman getting a ton of attention and the man
not knowing how to handle that. And there are a
lot of men on the internet who like they go

(58:03):
in on these women, who oh, you're always wanting this
attention you're posting here. There was even celebrities ones that
talked about something like that and they went in on her.

Speaker 3 (58:10):
Anyways, I have this theory right this question.

Speaker 2 (58:13):
I was like, what if attention for women is like
sexual desire for men? And what I mean by that
is you'll hear men make the argument of well, I
can have sex with these different women and it's nothing.

Speaker 3 (58:26):
It doesn't mean anything to me.

Speaker 2 (58:27):
But they just enjoy the sex. They would never leave
the women. They love all these things. And I'm not
advocating for any cheating anything. I'm just explaining this and that, Yes, well,
that's how a lot of women view attention. She may
enjoy attention, but she has no plan on entertaining any
of those men. She will go back to her man.
But she still likes to get a compliment. She likes
to go out and hear people say, oh you look

(58:49):
good today, Oh my gosh, that dress is nice. But
it's not because like she's this bad person. It just
might be in a desire. And again, and there's gonna
be different scales of that desire. There's gonna be some
women who don't want attention at all, they don't like
it right, But there's gonna be others who love it.

(59:09):
And I think sometimes we demonize these things. And it
goes back to understanding and respecting the differences between the
genders and between individuals. Okay, and you, I think for
a man if or for a woman, if you're dealing
with that person, what's important is to understand why they
enjoy the attention. Where does that come from? Does it

(59:31):
come from an inadequacy. Does it come from you not
giving them attention? Are they starving at home so now
they have to go outside to get it right or
is it someone who just they feed off of that stuff.
They love it, But again it doesn't make them a
bad person. But to go back to your question, I
don't think you have to be jealous of someone to

(59:52):
love them. I can love you to death and not
get jealous, you know, because again I'm not worried about it.
But I do think when we do get a little
bit jealous, that's also like it's just normal.

Speaker 3 (01:00:01):
Yeah, it's normal.

Speaker 1 (01:00:02):
Yeah, yeah, I feel like the discomfort is natural. When
it gets to jealousy and you're kind of ruining the
relationship you have and now checking up and policing, as
you said, that starts to come unhealthy. And then ultimately,
if it's leading to an internal insecurity between you and yourself,
I mean, it can spiral out of control. And I
think sometimes we almost want the other person to feel jealous.

(01:00:24):
That's what I was trying to get at. It's like
this feeling of like, oh, they don't get jealous when
I get attention. It's like, well, it goes back to
what you're saying, which is trying to play games. Yeah, like,
if it's coming from that place, of course, am I
uncomfortable and it happens, of course I am. If you
love someone, you like someone, of course, But I don't
want to make my partner have to feel jealous when
I'm feeling that way like that to try and keep

(01:00:45):
them entertained and try and keep them interesting.

Speaker 3 (01:00:47):
But that goes back to the point.

Speaker 2 (01:00:49):
If you are looking to make them jealous, is it
because you're not getting what you need in this relationship
in general? Probably what I'm saying like, something is probably missing.
We're not because a lot of people will do things
to just get a reaction out of their partner. It's
because they want to see that you care. And if
I have to see that you care, that means you're
not showing me in other ways, or at least I'm

(01:01:10):
not feeling it in other ways.

Speaker 3 (01:01:12):
That you care.

Speaker 2 (01:01:13):
There's a disconnect there. So rather than jumping to the
whole make them jealous, because that's a dangerous game to
play because what people don't realize is, yes, you may
have succeeded in making them jealous, but you may have
also planted the seed of insecurity, and now they have
to worry do you really want someone else's attention?

Speaker 3 (01:01:31):
In time?

Speaker 2 (01:01:32):
Are you entertaining someone else? And so now you got
this initial great feeling of their jealousy, But what's the
backlash that comes from it?

Speaker 3 (01:01:41):
Later on?

Speaker 2 (01:01:42):
You see what I'm saying, what have you created? So
to me, you gotta go to the It's always about
getting to the real root of the issue. Why are
we behaving in this way? Why are we trying to
make this happen now? I think there's some couples where
they just playfully do these things. It's not that serious
to them, right, and that's fine, But you just want
to make sure this is not coming from an unhealthy place,

(01:02:04):
because you're going to create a more unhealthy situation.

Speaker 1 (01:02:07):
One thing I love about your advice is that you're
constantly encouraging people to have deeper communication. You keep saying, hey,
but you got to understand why you feel that way
and where that comes from and how that person processes it.
And you in all of your work, your amazing books,
your YouTube channel, you always talk about communication. How do

(01:02:29):
you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate? Because
there are so many people I know that if their
partner asks them this kind of question, their partner will
be like, I don't really think about that stuff, or
I don't really know, or just go quiet. I've heard
this from so many people. I'm sure you see it
all the time. How do you communicate with someone who

(01:02:50):
doesn't want to communicate?

Speaker 2 (01:02:52):
Well, my initial response is going to be you don't
communicate with them at all, you let them go.

Speaker 1 (01:02:56):
But let's say you've already gone to yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:02:59):
And we know it's not always that simple.

Speaker 2 (01:03:01):
So and this is part of the problem of not
understanding ourselves coming into it, because the reality is that
levels of communication or what each person needs is gonna differ. Right,
Some people need a lot of communication, some not much.
And so when you're dealing with someone who cannot communicate,
I do think you have to ask yourself one, if

(01:03:22):
this is not gonna change, are you gonna be okay?
And also which types of discussions are we unable to have? So,
for example, if a woman or man wants to be
able to have like political discussions with their partner, right,
and their partner doesn't want to engage in that type
of stuff, to me, that's not worth leaving them for now,

(01:03:44):
of course, everyone's different, and if it's gonna bother you
to the point where it's gonna affect your ability to
show up in this relationship the way that you need to,
then you still should walk away regards of what it
means to me or how I view it or anyone
else views it. However, I do think one of the
things we're missing in many relationships is understanding how we
can supplement certain things. Right, So, you know how they

(01:04:05):
say it takes a village to raise a child. I
think it takes a village to have successful marriages and relationships.
Because okay, maybe, and I'm again I'm just gonna use
the women as an example. Let's say you had something
stressful happened to you today. You want to call your
husband right, but he's busy right now, and he's busy
a lot, and that can be very frustrating. Okay, well,

(01:04:25):
maybe you can supplement it by talking to your mom
first or your female friend.

Speaker 3 (01:04:29):
That way, you can get all your frustration.

Speaker 2 (01:04:31):
Now you can vent, he can do his thing, and
then when he has more time later you can do
a quick recap. And now that works for everybody, you see,
I'm saying, But the problem is for some people, when
your partner is your whole world and you don't have
any outlets, this creates a lot of frustration and conflict.
So I do think that's one when we consider the

(01:04:52):
whole communication issue. But if we're having issues with discussing
our relationship problems, things that need to be addressed, that
is it's hard for me to give any kind of
work around that because if we can't discuss it, how
can we fix it?

Speaker 3 (01:05:09):
You see?

Speaker 2 (01:05:09):
And so of course I'm all for, you know, trying
to understand what this person's hesitancy is, why they struggle
in this way, because a lot of times it's not
as simple as what they just don't communicate.

Speaker 3 (01:05:24):
There's something going on.

Speaker 2 (01:05:25):
Maybe they feel like you're not gonna listen to what
they have to say. They're used to being dismissed, like
I have to throw out there. I love women, but
women swear to the greatest communicators and a lot of
times and not okay, And they don't realize how in
that moment because they're so women are so in tune

(01:05:47):
with how they feel and they're so immersed in it
that it's easy for them to become blind to how
it's impacting someone else or how someone else is feeling
in that same exact moment. See, when she's calm and cool,
she probably can pick up on things easy, right. But
when she's passionate, when she's feeling strongly about somebody whatever,
she's frustrated.

Speaker 3 (01:06:06):
That blocks a lot.

Speaker 2 (01:06:08):
And so a lot of women don't realize in their
discussions with their partners how negative they were, how dismissive
they were, all these things, and the dude shuts down,
and so going forward, he doesn't want to talk about
anything because to him, it's pointless. This isn't gonna go anywhere.
It's gonna be you saying how you feel. You're not
gonna listen to how I feel. What's the point. It
reminds me of how a lot of men don't want

(01:06:29):
to go to counseling because they view counseling as a
one side of the fair. The woman's gonna say all
bad things that he does, and when he tries to
express himself is gonna be used against him. So he's like,
what's the point. So, as a woman or a man,
because it can happen to both sides, you have to
start with am I creating an environment for healthy communication period,

(01:06:52):
all right, because if you're not any attempts to pull
out of them, more communication is not gonna work, all right,
So start with checking yourself, checking your energy, checking your tone,
how are you approaching things. I also think for people
who are struggling to communicate, consider doing it via letters.

Speaker 3 (01:07:10):
Right. Some people struggle to talk, but maybe if they.

Speaker 2 (01:07:14):
Can just write it down on their own time, it's
going to be so much easier for them, And then
we can discuss.

Speaker 3 (01:07:20):
The letters verbally. Right, But start with the writing.

Speaker 2 (01:07:25):
And I think the writing is good even for those
who can communicate verbally, because it's so easy for us
to get distracted, for people to deflect, for things to
get just go off track in a verbal conversation. But
in a letter where you get to sit down and
make sure everything comes out, you're checking your tone, it's
just a more full experience. And then for the person,

(01:07:48):
when we listen, we tend to listen to rebuttal when
we read, we read to process, okay, so it's a
very different approach that we take mentally. So now it's
easier for your partner to understand and take in what
you got to say when they can read it, and
they can read it over and over and they can
fixate on one part. Okay, this might be what you mean,

(01:08:10):
and now we can discuss it and dive deeper. I
think that would unlock a lot of people's communication issues.

Speaker 1 (01:08:17):
That's a great answer. And also, when you're forced to write,
you don't say that much stuff that you don't mean right.
When you have to write something down consciously, chances are
you're going to word it the heat of the moment, yeah,
because you're trying to explain it, and you don't just
write it down in the same way. And as I
was hearing you speak, I was just thinking, there's something
I really want women to know that you might be

(01:08:40):
the first person in that man's life that's actually asked
him what's going on? True, And so you may have
to invite him to that conversation more than one time.
You may have to make space for his emotions and
feelings more than one time. And if every time you
ask him it's more of a demand and a stress

(01:09:01):
and a force and a push, then actually it's just
going to make him quieter and quieter and quieter. But
if every time it's an understanding and it's space and
it's open, then there may be a chance because I
feel like, you know, for most men, they were never
asked about their emotions or feelings. There wasn't a space
that they naturally just opened up. And hey, if someone's

(01:09:23):
not opened up for twenty five thirty thirty five years,
it's going to be hard for them to just come
out with it because you asked a great question, exactly,
And so it's not that you're wrong or it reflects
badly on your relationship. I just think a lot of
men just haven't been given the opportunity to be that absolutely.

Speaker 2 (01:09:40):
And the reality is for some men certain things, we
just are not emotionally invested in or attached to the
way that she might be. And so to her it's like,
well you should feel something about this, and like, no,
I really don't. I don't see this any kind of way.
I don't want to go on with my day. And
he may genuinely mean that, and so again it goes

(01:10:01):
back to respecting the differences between the genders. We do
not process the same, we do not feel the same
a lot of times, right, so that's going to lead
to different levels of expression because there's not as much
to express in certain situations, and it's just like, again,
you got to make sure you can be okay with that.
It's not even a right or wrong thing in many cases,

(01:10:22):
it's just the okay, does that work for you or no?
And if it doesn't, it's going to cause a problem.
All right, then maybe we are in the wrong relationship.
But otherwise all right, then we can still work past us.

Speaker 1 (01:10:33):
Yeah, for sure. I'm really glad we went there, because
I think that's blucking so many people in that space.
I feel like one of the big things that we
talked about last time, and I wanted to talk about
a bit differently this time is breakups, because I feel
like there's still this feeling that people have and they
can't not where if someone breaks up with you, it

(01:10:57):
breaks your world. You take it completely, and it makes
you lose faith in love. So someone not only broke
up with you, they broke your faith in love, and
now you don't believe love exists. What are the natural
feelings and emotions we all have to go through in
a breakup that you can't avoid.

Speaker 2 (01:11:17):
Well, one thing I want to point out before I
get to that is this, I think we have to
start with understanding love is not relationship. We're conflating those
two things and it's creating all kinds of issues and confusion,
all right. Like you'll hear people say, well, everyone deserves
to be loved. Okay, they can be loved by their mother,
by their friends, by society. Whoever, that doesn't mean you

(01:11:38):
qualify for a relationship. And someone can love you or
you can love someone, but if certain things aren't in
place to have a successful relationship, it still won't work.
So we have to understand that a breakup doesn't automatically
mean someone doesn't love you, nor does someone want to
be in a relationship.

Speaker 3 (01:11:57):
What you mean that they love you?

Speaker 2 (01:11:58):
Because a man, a man or woman who wants to
use you could want to be in a relationship, but
you can want to marry you. It has goning to
do with love. It's two separate things, all right. Now,
With that understood, what we have to understand what we're
going through. A breakup is one All is not lost,
Like we got to start there because it's so easy

(01:12:19):
to feel like our whole world is now crumbling before
our eyes. We're devastated. How we're going to get past this?
And it's like, listen, all is not lost. There's been
billions of people who have gone through a breakup and
who have survived, but who all felt like in that moment,
they don't know how they're going to continue. Okay, we
have to remember this is just a moment. Life is

(01:12:41):
about moments, right. If you let the moment get the
best of you, it can throw everything off.

Speaker 3 (01:12:46):
But when you can.

Speaker 2 (01:12:47):
Conquer that moment, you're on the right track. You can
keep moving forward in a good direction. So keep that
in perspective. But of course that's hard to do when
you're still going through the breakup. I also think going
on back to the point that I made is stop
questioning if they love you, okay, because that I think
is what weighs on some people the most. It's like

(01:13:10):
I gave them all this time and andrew all these years,
and they didn't even love me. It's like no, no, no, no,
they could have still loved you. But there's another issue
that exists here and what people this goes back to. Unfortunately,
I understand because I'm a coach and I've spoken to
thousands of people and I've seen millions of situations how

(01:13:30):
much different issues play into why people do what they do. Okay,
but everyone is so used to the very surface level
perspective of well, okay, if, for example, if this person
breaks up and they jump into a new relationship where
clearly they never loved you, that's not true.

Speaker 3 (01:13:48):
Some people do.

Speaker 2 (01:13:49):
That because they love you so much and they can't
deal with the pain and they figure, I need someone
to distract me from this, so they don't love the
new person.

Speaker 3 (01:13:58):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (01:13:58):
Now, granted, could it be the other way around it
they never love you? That is possible. That is possible,
but it isn't always what you think it is, all right,
So trying to dwell on in question if they love me,
it's not healthy because one, we cannot prove or disprove it. Okay,
they can claim it. We just have to accept whatever
is being presented to us. Because at the end of

(01:14:19):
the day, what evidence can you bring forth that says
guaranteed this was love or not love? But two, you
just don't You can't rely on what you're seeing and
experiencing to answer that question. And the question is less
about do they love you? And the better question to
ask yourself is are we best for each other right now?

(01:14:39):
Because even if there's love, if we're not best for
each other. Right now, this is probably a blessing in disguise,
all right, And most breakups, if not all, are a
blessing in disguise. We just can't see where the blessing
is in that moment. The blessing could simply be for
some people, not all that the relationship just need a
certain thing addressed, and you guys will be able to

(01:15:01):
come back together and make it better than ever. The
blessing might be this was never the person for you,
and had they not broken up with you, you'd have never
walked away from them. Like I've said to people, and
this may sound bad, but it is just real. I've
said at my shows before, some of you needed to
be cheated on, because if you weren't, you would have
never left that relationship. But you always knew was an

(01:15:22):
unhealthy relationship. It was toxic way before the cheating occurred,
but you were in denial of that and were trying
to hold onto something that wasn't best for you, and
you needed something strong enough to break you free from
that situation. So it's a blessing as much as it
hurt in that moment. The other thing we have to

(01:15:43):
you mentioned it and that thing it's very important for
me to understand is stop internalizing the whole thing, all right,
because again, even in situations where people break up with
us and they hurt us, and let's say, we can't
point to anything wrong right that was done, we don't
know what they're battling like, it's the whole hurt people

(01:16:04):
hurt people, Okay, it's not really about us. There's something
within them. So I recently had a situation where a
woman's devastated because a man broke up with her because
his family would not accept her. They did something that
they weren't supposed to do early on in the process
that goes against the family's beliefs.

Speaker 3 (01:16:22):
And even though.

Speaker 2 (01:16:23):
She's this man loves her, he wanted to marry her,
but the family was like, they'll disown him if he
goes forward with it. So in something like that, again,
she has all these questions running through her head. She's
internalizing and it's like, no, but there's something at play
here that even he can't well, I'm not gonna say
he can't control, because he can choose to not let
his family. Yeah, exactly, But that's not as easy as oh,

(01:16:46):
if you love someone, you'll do. No, it's not that simple, unfortunately, right,
So there's just so much more at play. So going
back to the question of the emotions we go through
during the breakup, the main thing is, I believe we
do have to give ourselves a moment to grieve. It's normal,
it's okay. And in grieving it's about releasing, all right.
So if you need to cry, cry, right, if you're angry,

(01:17:10):
let yourself be angry, flush out, detox all those emotions.
But then we have to pick a deadline. Like I'm
a believer in I don't give myself anymore than three days,
all right, three days to grieve whatever it is, whatever disappointment, hurt.
After three days, get back on my feet, get to
work and go through my healing process.

Speaker 3 (01:17:29):
All right.

Speaker 2 (01:17:30):
For some people it might be seven days, for somebody
else might be two, whatever the case may be. You
have to give yourself a structure of all right, I'm
not gonna dwell in this, I'm gonna start working past
this in a healthy way. Because again, too many people
focus on the whole get under someone, to get over someone,
which is completely unhealthy and bad. Okay, and all these

(01:17:52):
other methods of trying to move forward that are only
keeping them stuck emotionally, but they're moving.

Speaker 3 (01:18:02):
Forward on the surface, all right.

Speaker 2 (01:18:04):
So there's a lot of people who've moved on to
other relationships, even marriages, but never overcame it emotionally, and
they do not realize how that is still playing a
part not only in who you choose to be with,
but in how you show up in that relationship.

Speaker 1 (01:18:20):
For sure, man, for sure. Yeah, it's such a When
I'm listening to you speak, I'm just thinking, like, there
are so many people carrying someone else's baggage into a
new relationship and not allowing the new person to be
the person they are, and you realize it's your old

(01:18:41):
baggage that's blocking this one, Yeah, and their old baggage
that's blocking this one, and then you may lose that
one in that. Do you believe that there's right person, wrong.

Speaker 2 (01:18:51):
Time, Absolutely, I'm one hundred percent believer in that. I
know a lot of people argue against it, but I
have so many stories of people who let's say met
in college, right and something went wrong, and then ten
fifteen years later reunite and maybe even in between that
time married someone else or utter relationships or whatever, and

(01:19:12):
now they're back together and it's the best relationship ever. Again,
it goes back to people understanding love is one thing,
relationship is another. So you can experience connection, you can
experience real love. But if that person still has things
they need to heal from, it is very likely going
to derail the situation.

Speaker 3 (01:19:31):
All right.

Speaker 2 (01:19:32):
If they are not ready, maybe they haven't gotten themselves
together in certain ways that they can feel more secure
about themselves, that's going to derail the situation. People need
to evolve. It's not as simple as, oh, we love
each other, everything's.

Speaker 3 (01:19:44):
Supposed to work perfectly. That's not life.

Speaker 2 (01:19:46):
That's not real life. I would love for it to
be that way, it's just not and so a lot
of people don't accept the fact that. And I'm a
very spiritual person, so I believe in praying about everything,
and I believe one of the mistakes people make is
that that for those who are believers, they don't pray
and talk to God about if they should move forward
or if they should be with this person, and they

(01:20:06):
don't realize that sometimes we could be presented with something
so that we can see that it's there, but doesn't
mean it's.

Speaker 3 (01:20:13):
Time for us to have it yet.

Speaker 2 (01:20:15):
It's almost like sometimes you can be presented with an
opportunity business wise and you may feel like, yeah, I'm
ready for let's let's do it. Boom boom, but you're
not really prepared.

Speaker 3 (01:20:25):
Now.

Speaker 2 (01:20:25):
If you went from a spiritual place and understood and
let God your spirit guide you, it would tell you, no,
slow down, don't do it just yet.

Speaker 3 (01:20:35):
But think about it.

Speaker 2 (01:20:36):
Like the person who they win the lottery, they win
millions of dollars, They've been hoping for this all their
life and they blow through that million in a few months,
or their whole life is ruined. Why it was not
time for them to have that kind of money. They
did not learn the lessons they need to learn. They
were not prepared for that level of financial freedom or

(01:20:56):
whatever access. And the same thing happens in relationships. People
aren't ready for that level of vulnerability. They're not ready
for that level of responsibility.

Speaker 3 (01:21:06):
You know.

Speaker 2 (01:21:06):
Perfect example is like if a woman finds her first
love in high school or man or woman. But I'll
say this happens a lot to women where she's head
over heels over this guy. But this is a young
man who has not developed at all emotionally chances are
he's gonna mess up and this situation is gonna fall apart.

(01:21:26):
And those who have survived, not all, but many who
have survived finding love that young, they either one just
dealt with all the bumps and stayed together, or they
had that village around them to help them get through
these situations to teach them. He had guidance, She had
guidance that allowed them to have love and make.

Speaker 3 (01:21:49):
It work at such a young age.

Speaker 2 (01:21:50):
So when you hear about back in the days people
marrying younger, yet they had community that made a huge difference.
But now you have people essentially on an island being young,
trying to make a relationship work, and it's like yo,
like we're asking too much. Some people get lucky, but
the majority won't survive that. And I'm using a high
school example, But that can happen. That can happen as

(01:22:12):
grown adults. People could be thirty forty is fifty years
old older and certain things have stunted their emotional growth
and they're still not truly ready for that level of commitment.
So yeah, but again that doesn't mean they're the wrong person, okay,
because the person is about the character, it's about the

(01:22:34):
traits that fit together that can be in harmony with
each other. But they still have to develop certain aspects
that will allow a relationship to thrive, which is why
some people I feel the need to say, it's kind
of hitting my spirit. You'll havyse situations where they can
be great friends, but they can't be in a relationship right.

(01:22:54):
And for some of those people, it's a matter of
when they try to be in a relationationship, they were
not emotionally ready for that, and there was conflict in
how we handled that. But who they are as people,
it's like this, right, So that's why the friendship continues.
And now I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but

(01:23:15):
I'm gonna say it, for at least some of these people,
that's their true love for sure. But because everything went
wrong the first go round, they're too afraid to leave
the friendship box. So now it's like, nah, let's just
be friends. That's what we operate best, right, But in reality, no,
you guys just need to evolve emotionally and heal and

(01:23:37):
you will actually be able to come back together.

Speaker 3 (01:23:39):
For some people, not all.

Speaker 2 (01:23:40):
I don't want every friend person right now thinking that's
their situation.

Speaker 1 (01:23:46):
Always want of that is you know, it happens a lot.
I love that, Stefan. I've got one last question for you,
and it applies to Buves. He'll be two two answers.
If there's a man and a woman listening right now,
and both of them are feeling insecure about dating, uncomfident
about relationships, They've had a bit of rough luck. They're

(01:24:10):
trying to do the work on themselves, be aware, accept
who they are. They're doing the healing, but they're in
a tough place. What would you say to them?

Speaker 2 (01:24:21):
Just keep pushing forward, like, don't get discouraged. You know,
everything is a process. It's like even trying to become successful.
The majority, if not every successful person that I know,
has a story of having to go through the grind
and having moments where we want to quit. We want
to give up with like this is not working anymore,

(01:24:43):
I can't keep doing this. But we trusted, whether it
be our spirit, our passion, whatever, kept pushing and eventually
the breakthrough happens and then boom, we're successful the rest
of our lives. As long as we keep working, we're successful.
And so with dating and relationships. I believe it's the
same thing. People want love to be this very popping

(01:25:03):
in the microwave and everything's ready, and it's like, no,
it's a process. And you may have to meet several people,
and I say meet. I'm understanding, you have to get
romantically involved with everybody. But you're gonna have to come
across some situations. You're gonna have to learn, you have
to grow. And even when you're doing all the right things,
don't think it's not working. It reminds me of working out.

(01:25:24):
You can work out for months, do all the right things,
look at yourself in mirror and be like, there's no progress.
Why because all you're looking at is your stomach and
you're like, well, my stomach hasn't gone down the way
I want.

Speaker 3 (01:25:35):
But what you're felling to look.

Speaker 2 (01:25:37):
At is your arms are more cut, you got more
muscles in your legs, your stamina is up.

Speaker 3 (01:25:41):
What you're doing is working.

Speaker 2 (01:25:44):
You're just looking at the one final result to validate
the work. So understand that in this process you are growing.
It is working, things are developing, but yes, the relationship
result may take a little bit longer. And it's kind
of going back to that fitness example. What they tell
you is when you're losing fat. Sometimes it'll lose everywhere

(01:26:07):
and then the stomach will be the last place, and
when it finally hits the stomach, it comes off like crazy.
So it's the same thing. You might be seeing all
these other things improve first and you're not seeing the relationship.
You've not seen the relationship. But then when it finally hits,
it's great, it's amazing. So just keep pushing forward, keep
doing what you need to do, continue to be open

(01:26:27):
to whatever you need to improve upon. Never get in
the mindset of well I'm great and the world is
just ridiculous. It's like, no, what can I continue to
do better? What can I tweak? What adjustments can I make?
Because sometimes it is a matter of a small adjustment
that will make a huge difference. And I think as

(01:26:47):
long as you keep an open mind and you don't
view not having the result right now as a defeat.
Right you understand this is a process, you will get
to your destination at some point.

Speaker 1 (01:26:59):
Well said Stefan Speaks. Thank you always ste find out
I appreciate these conversations with you. You always have like
this ability to just pull things apart, to really look
at them. For what they are. I really appreciate you man.
The way you think about things is so refreshing and
all encompassing. And I hope everyone's been listening or watching.
I hope you have better fortune from a deeper place

(01:27:22):
because of the advice that Stefan said today. And please
make sure you subscribe to Steffan's YouTube channel, check out
his books if you're someone who loves reading and listening
audiobooks too.

Speaker 3 (01:27:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:27:33):
Absolutely, and Stefan is the anywhere else you'd like to
be able to find you right now or anything you
got going on there, just.

Speaker 2 (01:27:37):
Go to my site Stefan Speech Shop, or on my YouTube,
you know, check me out. Hopefully I can connect with
more and more people and just help as many people
as possible find love and find just a better overall life.
It's not just about relationship. Well at least it starts
relationship with self, you know, and getting that right and
everything else falling in place. Well for me self and

(01:27:59):
God mooney, we're excited to have you back. You'll always
have an opening. Then, thank you, my friend, thank you,
thank you.

Speaker 1 (01:28:05):
If you love this episode, you're going to love my
conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
ex and find true love in your relationships. People should
be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion to your
future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future
self is doing something that gives him or her a

(01:28:26):
shot at a happy and a peaceful life

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