May 30, 2025 • 51 mins
How do you know when someone is truly right for you?
Have you ever confused attention for love?
In this special crossover episode, Jay Shetty steps out of his usual host role and joins media personality Tinx on her podcast, Office Hours, for a candid and profoundly enriching conversation. Jay opens up about his journey with meditation, relationships, and personal well-being. He breaks meditation down into simple, approachable practices like breathwork, visualization, and mantra, making it accessible to anyone who’s ever felt like they ‘can’t meditate.’
Jay and Tinx go deeper, unpacking the digital overwhelm of the constant pings, nonstop news, and the pressure of staying connected. Jay shares practical strategies for reclaiming your peace, especially in the crucial first moments of the day. From changing how we wake up to choosing when and how we consume news, he emphasizes building rituals that foster clarity rather than chaos.
Jay explains the concept of love through the three key relationship types: the firework, the candle, and the mirror. He challenges the idea of “one soulmate,” suggesting instead that the people we attract reflect where we are in our own growth and emotional state. The conversation is filled with insight into how to find peace in your singlehood, develop a deeper understanding of yourself, and create a life that naturally attracts meaningful connection.
In this conversation, you'll learn:
How to Start Meditating When You Feel Stuck
How to Use Breathwork to Calm Anxiety Instantly
How to Build a Tech-Free Morning Routine
How to Consume News Without Feeling Overwhelmed
How to Create Real Human Connection in a Digital World
Remember, peace shouldn't be something you have to chase—it’s something you can create, right here, right now.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
Join Jay for his first ever, On Purpose Live Tour! Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you there!
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:48 Building Purpose Through the Calm Community
03:38 Struggling with Meditation? Start Here
08:26 Simple Breathing Practice to Calm Your Mind
11:05 Managing News and Notifications Without Losing Peace
18:16 Inside Jay’s Grounding Morning Routine
23:14 The Interview That Changed Jay’s Perspective
25:09 When Interviews Get Deep and Emotional
27:06 Must-Listen Episodes to Start With
29:48 Jay’s Ultimate Dream Guest Revealed
30:36 The Three Types of Love You’ll Experience
34:25 How Jay Met His Wife, Radhi
35:43 What to Look For When Searching for Love
44:37 The Root of Desperation in Dating
45:27 What to Expect from the On Purpose Live Tour
46:46 Preparing Mentally and Physically for Live Shows
48:55 Jay’s Favorite Guilty Pleasures
Episode Resources:
Tinx | Podcast
Tinx | Instagram
Tinx | TikTok
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience on Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jaysheddy dot me forward slash Tour and get
yours today. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Today's
(00:48):
episode is a little different because instead of hosting, I'm
the guest. I joined Tinks on her show Office Hours
for a deep and insightful conversation where I am and
says some of the most thought provoking questions about relationships, dating,
and the stresses of life. I always love these conversations
(01:09):
because I feel like the questions that she's asking me
are what some of you are asking me. It's what
you're worried about. It's what you're thinking about. So, if
you're struggling with dating right now, if you're struggling with
your relationships right now, if you're struggling with a breakup,
this episode is for you. If you're navigating a big
life decision, a big life transition, feeling overwhelmed with the
(01:29):
news and what's happening around you, this episode is for you.
I hope you enjoy it. The number one health and wellness.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Podcast, Jay Sheetty, Jay Sheetty Shetty, Welcome to office hours.
It's so nice to have you on.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Thanks for having me. I'm so grateful to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
This is so exciting. God, I love Calm. I have
to say I love that app, even though I'm not
a meditator. Will get into that later. I have to
say that app is like one of the most used
on my phone. How has that experience been for you?
Speaker 1 (02:02):
That makes me so happy? Yeah. I joined Calm as
their Chief purpose Officer three years ago now, and it
all came from this beautiful friendship I had with the
founders of Calm so Michael Acton Smith and Alex They
both founded the app, and we kept hearing from both
our worlds that I should connect with them, and they
were hearing that they should connected with me, and we
got together and it's been incredible to record a seven
(02:24):
minute meditation five days a week, every week for the
last three years. Wow. And so if someone wants to
build a meditation practice, there's seven minutes a day set
up for you every single day.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
That's so cool. That's pretty fazing. Do you do you
are you sort of like a consultant as well for them?
Do they bounce ideas off of you?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Yeah, we'll discuss everything from what we're expanding with, how
the brain's looking and looking at health right now. We've
been have so many amazing conversations. I'm so proud of.
I mean, what we've been able to create together, but
what they've done, because it's really showed us how meditation
can be stories, can be walks, and can be practicing
so true. And that's what I loved. I didn't want
(03:03):
people to have this limited view of what meditation was.
I wanted them to have this really practical and live
view of it. I know, it's incredible to see that.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
It's funny that you say that, because I'm someone who's like,
you know, when you have a pet and you have
to put their medicine in peanut butter to get them
to eat the pelt.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Like that's me.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
With meditation, I'm like, I don't meditate, you know, I
don't meditate. It's too hard for me. But with Calm,
I actually am able to I do it because that's
what meditating is. It's you know, breath work and thinking
about you know, clearing your mind.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
But I really need the Call app. So that's so interesting.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
We can actually dive in right there, Like, what do
you recommend for someone who is stuck with meditation aside
from Calm, or talk about a little bit more about
Calm who thinks that meditation simply won't work for them,
Because I guess that's.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
Kind of me.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I mean, I do Calm. I use the I like
the sleep going to Sleep ones. Every single night. I
listen to it and if I'm anxious on the plane,
I listened. There's a lot of great short ones on
the app for someone who wants to really get into meditation,
who feels stuck.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
What would you say?
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Yeah, I find it so funny when people come up
to me and they're like, you put me to bed
every night, And I love that feeling. Yeah, yeah, it's
such a nice feeling and having that intimate space with someone.
But for anyone who's struggling with meditation, the first thing
I'd say is everyone struggles with meditation. It's almost like
trying to work out.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
I feel like you would never I imagine you can
meditate for just like perfectly, and you're so good at it.
And sometimes I even think about when I see like
you on Instagram or whatever, I'm like, that guy meditates
so well and I know it, but it's just it's hard.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
It's been nearly twenty years. I better meditate.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Well now, I know, but I just I automatically think
of the to do list. When I try to do
it with no call map, I'm like, oh my god,
I have to call the plumber.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Oh my god, I have to do that, and it's
just so hard to kick into it.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
But I really love calm, So maybe it's about marrying
the two.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
So I want to I want to share a few things.
The first thing is that there's three types in that dea.
There's breath work, there's visualization, and there's mantra. And I'll
explain all three and I was trained in all three
during my time as a monk, and so I love
helping it be a menu for people because I think
sometimes people just don't know where to start. And so
I remember my first day in the monastery in India
(05:18):
and I saw a young monk teaching younger monks how
to meditate. And so I walked up to this young
monk and asked him, what are you doing and he said,
it's their first day of school. I'm teaching them how
to breathe. And I said okay, And he said what
did you learn on your first day of school? And
I said maybe one, two, three, ABC, I don't know.
And he said, well, here, we teach them how to breathe,
(05:39):
because the only thing that stays with you from the
moment you're born to the moment you die is your breath.
And he said everything else changes, your family, your friends,
where you live, all of that can change, but the
breath stays with you that whole time. And then he
said to me, what changes when you're happy your breath?
(06:00):
What changes when you're sad your breath? What changes when
you're late your breath? What changes when you're angry? Your breath?
And he said, every emotion in your life is connected
to your breath. So if you learn to master your breath,
you learn to master life. Now he was ten years
old and something like that, like ten eleven years old
and sharing all this wisdom. And the reason why I
love that story is because you stop looking at meditation
(06:23):
as this thing you have to do, and you recognize
it's actually a way of living. It's who you are.
You have your breath. And if you look at the
best athletes, the best musicians, the best people out there
in the world doing incredible things, they've all learned to
master their breath. You can't run for that long without
knowing your breath. You can't play a wind instrument for
(06:45):
that long without mastering your breath. And when you look
at it that way, you recognize we're all athletes. We
all require and demand so much of our bodies. And
so for anyone who's struggling to start with meditation, my
tiny request is just notice how you inhale, and notice
how you exhl. And so if we in hell together
right now, things together, you could probably feel something happening
(07:09):
in your nostrils. You can feel the change of your body.
And the practice I like people to get comfortable with
is as you're listening to this if you can. Of course,
if you're driving, don't do this, or if you're on
the treadmill, maybe you don't do this. But place your
left palm on your stomach, and as you breathe in,
feel your stomach come out, and as you breathe out,
(07:31):
feel your stomach go in. As you breathe in, feel
your stomach go out, and as you breathe out, feel
your stomach go in. Now things, were you thinking about
what you're going to eat later?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
No, I wasn't think it was.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
You went right. And what's beautiful about it is we
use the sense of touch. So we were touching our stomachs.
We could feel something changing. And I think sometimes we
think meditations in the mind, but what I like to
remind people is that meditation is a very physical, feelable thing.
And so both of us there for a second felt
everything stop, felt everything slowed down, and felt disconnected even
(08:13):
from the space we were in. And so use all
your senses. Light some incense if you like, so that
the sense of smell is engaged. Hold your stomach, hold
on to something if that helps you feel connected. Don't
feel like you have to do it all in your head.
Speaker 3 (08:26):
Yeah. Wow, No, it's so true.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
That's my favorite part of the sleeping meditation that I
do it from the call map is like breathing, you know,
then hold and breathe out. And it's crazy, the power
of breath because even just doing those two breaths now
did calm me down, kind of refocus, like I was
running from something. I'm kind of you know, mine's all
over the place as usual, We're all doing a million
things and we don't think about breathing that much and
(08:52):
we don't focus on it. But it's incredible the power
of just a few breaths that can transform your moment absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Our usual experience of life is our mind is moving
fast and our body is sitting still. So true, our
mind is racing from the moment we're up and our
body is sitting in a chair. And what meditation teaches
you to do is still your mind so that you
can move your body. Yeah, and that's what we need
to get to. We need to get to a place
where we're moving our bodies still in our mind as
(09:23):
opposed to the other way around. Yeah, and I completely
agree with you that if anyone I think the best
time to use it is use it when you feel
like you just rush to jump onto that train, or
when you were just rushing into that uber, or when
you were just rushing into a meeting. Take a second
to just do three deep in heals and excels, and
(09:45):
all of a sudden, you'll start to gain confidence in it.
I think people think meditation has to be something you
do outside of your real life. I think about it
completely the opposite. I do it in the back of ubers,
I do it when I'm on trains, I do it
when I'm running into a meeting and I'm feeling out
of breath or late. I'm doing it in my life,
and I think that's a great way to start because
it builds your confidence. It gives you some momentum rather
(10:06):
than oh I haven't meditated today. Yes, it's like, no,
I just used breath because my breathing was faster, shallow,
and more random when I was feeling tired, anxious or nervous. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
No, okay, Well, so maybe I do meditate a little bit,
Because I do. I have been doing that lately.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
I do.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I try to do three really just intentional breaths, because
you know, with the phone, our minds are really it's
a lot, like there's this trend on social media right
now where people are like, unfortunately, my brain can no
longer tell the difference between getting an email and being
chased by a bear. And it's like, I totally feel that,
(10:44):
you know, and I feel like our nervous systems are
kind of all out of whack.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
We're looking at the phone all the time.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
We're obsessed with the news updates and everything, and it's like,
and you're right, And usually we're sitting in a car,
or we're sitting in our desk or whatever, and you
start to freak out, and then you just go, Okay,
now I'm here. I'm going to do three breaths, and
I'm going to move on on that point. I do
want to ask you, there is just twenty four to
seven news. It's a bombardment, a lot of negativity, and
(11:13):
a lot I know a lot of people in my
community are feeling super super overwhelmed right now. So, aside
from intentional breathing meditation, how would you suggest people dose
themselves on the news or how do you personally filter
the information you receive so that you're informed but you're
(11:34):
not freaking out?
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Yeah? I think I read something that said, we're exposed
to more tragedy in twenty four hours today than we
were in our whole lifetime twenty five years ago. That's crazy,
and if you think about that for a second, it
feels true. We consume around thirty four gigabytes of data
per day. Do you remember when your hard drive wasn't
(12:00):
even one gigabyte? And when you're looking at that, just
to make it make sense for people, I read an
article that was saying, that's like reading one hundred thousand
words every day.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
It's like watching twenty five episodes of Stranger Things in
one day, just back to back to back. So we're
consuming so much information, and like you said, not all
of its help. A lot of it's news, notifications, negativity, noise,
and I call these the four ends. They put us
into a minus state. Every time a notification comes in,
(12:32):
you're like minus one energy. Negativity comes in minus two energy,
news comes in minus three energy, and the rest of
the day you're literally climbing back up to Zero's actually
how I feel. That's how you feel right. You feel inundated,
and you almost feel buried by these four ends. You
feel buried by notifications, negativity, news and noise. So what
(12:52):
do you do about it? For me? And I know
this sounds bizarre, but it has changed my life and
I have to bring it up. There has to be
a way that the first five minutes of your day
are not on your phone, okay, And whether that's getting
a hatch, which is what I've been using right next
to my bedside, which has this natural light alarm that
wakes you up. And again, I hate the word alarm.
(13:14):
Let's just think about this for a second. The only
time an alarm helps you is when there's a fire
or and there's something going wrong, which means the fact
that you wake up to an alarm or an alert
means something bad's about to happen. So if your alarm
tone doesn't fill you with calm or fill you with stillness,
change it. The second thing I'd say is that morning
(13:34):
five minutes, thirty minutes if you can, is so powerful,
And I'll tell you why. Your brain's just waking up.
You would never let one hundred people into the bedroom
of your mind, right, Just think about that for a second.
You would never let one hundred people into your bedroom
before you've brushed your teeth, washed your hair, or put
(13:56):
on your makeup. But me and you, all of us,
let in a one hundred people into the bedroom of
our mind as soon as we pick up our phone. Now,
all of a sudden, imagine a hundred people, your family,
your friends, your boss, crowded around your bed, yelling things
at you. Did you get that report in? Oh? What
do you think of this picture I'm about to post.
(14:17):
Oh you forgot to wish your uncle a happy birthday? Right,
whatever it is? And all of a sudden, everyone's yelling
at you, and your days starting on a negative, your
day starting on being reactive. So what I try and
focus on doing, especially with news, because that's what your
question was about. I believe it's so important that news
doesn't find us. Wow. I think we live in a
(14:40):
world where most of us don't find news or look
for news. News finds us, which means it appears on
our feed. It means we have the news channel on
our television at home or on a screen open on
our laptop without us even wanting it. We don't go
in search for it. It's just there in the back
ground of our life. And if news is the background
(15:02):
of your life, tragedy is at the forefront of your life.
That's the first thing you're seeing. And so what I'd
say to people is be really clear about who you
get your news from, what time of day you feel
comfortable consuming news. When someone tells me their of anxiety,
the first two questions I asked them is what did
you watch last night? Wow? And when did you last
(15:23):
consume the news? Those are the telltale signs. They tell
me they watched a murder mystery last night or something
like that, or some true crime, and then they tell
me they just check the news. So I'm not telling
you to not be informed. We're trying to save you
from being overwhelmed. So for me, I find the time
I'm best at dealing with the news is three hours
(15:44):
after I've woken up, okay, because that gives me the
time to set my day up so that I have
a strong foundation and a strong place from which to
process difficult sad, tough, challenging news, as opposed to if
I'm looking at it immediately now, I'm already thinking, gosh,
today's going to be the worst day. This is terrible.
(16:04):
Where's everything going. I haven't had a moment and it's
almost like thinking about it from the perspective of when
do you feel comfortable dealing with something challenging, When do
you feel strong enough to say, Okay, I'm ready to
deal with the day now. And I think for me
that takes three hours to do it, and I don't
try and do it just before I go to bed either,
because that's really challenging. So pick who you read your
(16:27):
news from. Find your news, don't let it find you.
Be really clear about what type of news. Do you
like social media news or do you actually prefer reading
news from a website? And do you like watching the
news on TV? Or are you someone who actually just
wants to read a newsletter. I think it's so important
that we trade and make these choices rather than letting
(16:47):
the news bombards when it wants, how it wants, or
wherever it wants.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
That was really helpful practical advice.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
I really like finding the news versus letting it find you,
because I've personally been struggling with that too, and I
really really like that.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
And the timing thing.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
I'm really bad about the phone first thing in the morning,
and I need to fix that because it's just a
It is such a clear difference when you don't do
the phone first thing, you feel better.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
And you know, we lie to ourselves.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
We say, oh, well, maybe something happened overnight that I
need to know.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
Nothing happened. Nothing, It's exactly what you said.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
It's you forgot to wish your uncle happy birthday, your
boss needs something.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Nothing happened like you would know.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
And I think that's a big lie I tell myself,
and I really want to be better about that, and.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
We all do that. I empathize with that thing, so like,
I think that's real, especially for those of us who
live away from family, who are not close. And I
know my wife feels that way. Yeah, it's a real thing.
So I want to validate that. I don't think it's
makes you weak or not strong. I think we all
have that. Yeah, And I think the reality is, let's
find a way of getting that news, that very very
(17:53):
important news. Whether it is you going back to having
a landline, or whether it is you having two separate phones,
one you wake up with near your bed that only
your emergency contact and your family member has access to
and nothing else is on there. There's ways of doing
it in a way that protects us and protects the
people we love, so I don't want to invalidate that
(18:14):
feeling because that's real as well.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Totally okay.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
So on the topic of morning routines, I feel like
you're a guy who has a very I need to
know in detail the morning routine, like aside from no phone,
walk me through waking up the first hour couple hours.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
So I'll walk you through my morning routine and then
I'll break it down into how I think people can
use it, okay, their life, because I don't think my
morning routine should be a standard, and no one's morning
routine should be a standard. So I wake up around
six am every day. That's my time that I feel
happy and comfortable doing consistently. That's five days a week.
I always look at every routine in my life as
(18:51):
five days a week. I don't believe it has to
apply to my weekends because I feel that there's a
recovery and rest that's massively needed on a weekend or
whatever your weekend tends to be. So I wake up
at six am, I'm usually in my meditation room meditating
by six fifteen, and so sixty six fifteen is brushing
my teeth, showering, just getting ready putting on some comfy clothes.
(19:14):
And for me, the thing that's helped me most in
the morning is I have a little post it note
next to my bed, and I'll put different questions on
it that means something to me. So the first thing
I see in the morning is a question, and the
questions as simple as what are you grateful for today?
Or the question is what are you excited about today?
Or the question is how are you feeling? And what
(19:36):
I find is those questions allow me to start off
the day proactively about me rather than reactively to everything
I have to do. And so those post it notes
remind me to be before I do anything. Who do
I want to be? What is my being about today?
The question could say who what are you hoping to
channel today? And I can say love or kindness, whatever
(20:00):
it may be, And all of a sudden, I'm set
for the day. And then I'll put on some It
could be bird sounds, it could be Montra music, it
could be something that's super calming, almost like spa music,
Like I'll be literally getting ready to that, and then
six fifteen I'm meditating. So I meditate for one and
a half hours to two hours every day. Usually an
hour a half ins in the morning, So six fifteen
(20:22):
to seven forty five I'm measured meditating, and then eight
am I start working out, and so aight am to
nine am I'm working out. That's changed over time. It
used to be tennis, it's been pickaball, it was hiking.
Now it's strength training because every podcast guest I talk
to keeps talking about value of strength, and I'm in
that decade that everything back is in. So all I've
(20:44):
been doing is strength training for the past six months
now probably consistently, but three probably really consistently. And so
that becomes an hour and then nine am I start.
I eat some breakfast and start my day. And it's
a savory breakfast because I've had too many guests talk
about glucose spikes, so my whole life is a savory breakfast.
So by nine am, that's when I feel I have
(21:05):
a strong foundation to stop my day. I love that.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
Yes, I know, I so many people talk about the
savory breakfast.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
It's huge.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
It's huge, I know. And again you feel you feel
the difference.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
I think, you know.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
The annoying thing about all of this stuff is that
it really does work. And then so it's just like,
you know, I try to be so real with my
community and pass on these tips and talk to experts
like you, but you know, sometimes you fall off and
that's okay. And then so I really like what you
said about the weekends too, because I think when you're
only looking at something for doing it five days or
(21:40):
four days or whatever, you know, your week looks like
it's nice because then you have a little bit of
that Lily way.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Time and it's okay, it's it's okay.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
I think with all of these practices that are, you know,
aimed to make us feel better, I think the point
is they have to make us feel better. So it's like,
if your routine is getting to point where you know
it's not sustainable, you guys, it's okay to be like, Okay,
well I need to change this.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
I need an extra half hour of sleep.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
I like what you said about you know, that's when
you're comfortable, you know, you have to figure it out,
and that's it also changes over time too, So I
like that.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Yeah, you want it to be the exception and not
the rule, right, I look at it as seventy percent. Yeah,
I want seventy percent of my week to be as
optimal as healthy as possible. Yeah, and then the twenty
five to thirty percent that's left over, I'm okay for
that to be more mixed up. So five days a
week I'll have a savory breakfast. It does make a
difference as someone coming from a former sugar addict, right, Like,
(22:36):
I used to wake up wanting to eat a sugary
breakfast and then eat something sugary at lunch and then
have something sugar in the evening. Having a savory breakfast
has completely curved that desire, and it's setting me up
not to have those crazy crashes later on in the day,
and now my energy is actually sustained throughout the day
as well.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
I love Glucose Goddess.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Yeah, me too.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Love Jesse her book and like I you know, that
is something I haven't meta in person, but her teachings
really had an impact on the way that I eat.
And again, I've fallen off right now, I'm kind of
in an off period, but just having that knowledge is
so helpful.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
I really think she's smart.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
I agree.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Okay, Switching gears a little bit.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
You have this super super successful podcast.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
What's one interview that took you by surprise.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
I'm waiting for you to come on, Thanes.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
Okay, I know we need to do it.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
We need to do it here, come on, say that again.
What's it?
Speaker 2 (23:28):
What's an interview or a guest that took you by surprise?
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Ooh, that's a great question. Who took me by surprise?
I'd say the person who took me most by surprise
was Brian Chesky, who's the founder of Airbnb and this
year of Airbnb. And the reason is because I thought
that he might have the archetype of a tech founder. Yeah,
(23:53):
because that's what he's done. And so I wasn't sure,
and I tried very hard to not go in to
any interview having any judge. But at the same time,
there's a certain archetype that you expect to meet or
that you expect to converse with. And when I met him,
I realized that he's an artist and a design in
a tech person's body. You've met Brian.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
I've met Brian, and it's so true. And I listened
to that interview and it was a great interview. You
really it was an amazing conversation between you two.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Thank you. Yeah, it's easily one of my favorites. Because
I think it shows you. I think there's a lot
of people out there right now who are artists and
designers who are thinking, well, I can't find a company
or a build a tech company, or I can't work
at a company like that because I don't know coding
or engineering. And it's like, well, no, no, no, no, no,
you can be an artist in a tech company. That's
what Steve Jobs was, That's what Brian Cheskey is, and
(24:44):
that's why I love Brian so much. He reminded me
of the closest thing we have to a Steve Jobs,
visionary type of someone who just thinks so outside the box.
He was super vulnerable about his love life, his relationships.
He's forty years old, he's a billionaire, he was looking
for love and I thought it was so brave of
him to be so open about that. And yeah, I
(25:05):
love him. He's become a great friend. He's an awesome
guys so great. Yeah, that was the most surprising one.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Yeah, you go really deep with your guests. Do you
ever find yourself getting emotional when you're interviewing people.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I can get really emotional, Like I think the most
emotional I get is at weddings. I was just at
my friend's wedding two weeks ago. Okay, and this was
a wedding I was just attending. But when I'm officiating weddings,
I'm so scared that I'm going to ruin the ceremony
because I'm going to cry. So I've got to stand
there in my head, I'm going, don't cry, don't cry,
don't cry. And that's what I do in the podcast too,
(25:37):
because I feel that people are so genuinely expressing something
that they may never have shared somewhere else before, or
it's really hard and courageous and brave of them to
go there, and my heart I almost feel like crying sometimes.
All Right, I'd have to stop myself from crying because
I'm not even crying because of what they're sharing so emotional.
It's because I respect the bravery. I respect the courage
(26:00):
it takes to put your life out there, and you
do that, I respect you for doing it. So many
of our peers, so many of our friends, do that.
I respect them for doing it because it's a really
courageous act. It's a really difficult thing to do. And
so my tears are almost preempting the fact that when
you open up. There's going to be so many different
reactions and responses, and I feel really grateful that people
(26:23):
trust me to do that with and I mean, you know, yeah,
I think one that was amazing was Tom Holland when
he opened about is Sobriety.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
Yeah, that was another one I listened to.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
That was great, And it was just amazing because the
amount the hundreds of thousands of messages we've had from
that episode saying you help me or Tom helped me
get through my sobriety or get back on or have
more grace for myself. And then you cry because of
that message because you're thinking about all the people that
are affected. So there's a lot of crying in private
because I know great.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
I think it's great.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
I think you people feel really safe with you, and
I think your vulnerability like inspires vulnerability in your guests.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
So it's just really really really good work. Okay, So,
if someone was.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
New to your podcast, what's a standout interview that they
should start with?
Speaker 1 (27:12):
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(28:38):
I would have said Brian, but now they said it already.
Speaker 3 (28:41):
Let me think the interviewed everyone amazing.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Which one of you listen It sounds like you've been
listening something.
Speaker 3 (28:47):
No, I think I think that.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
I thought that Brian was great. The Tomlin was great.
My friend Claudia was just on your podcast. This was
great and it was super vulnerable, which is the side
of her that people don't see that often.
Speaker 3 (28:58):
So it is great.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
Yeah, clearly amazing. She was exactly like what I was
just describing. I had to hold back my tears. I'd say,
if someone was new to my podcast and they had
to listen to one, it's such a great question. Let
me think, I want to give a I want to
give a really thoughtful answer to one that I would
really have. Oh, there's there's a couple that I think
I really loved. One that I'd say that that stands
(29:22):
out to me. And I say it because it was
such a shifting moment for our show. It was Kendall
Jenner on the show, and it's because she hadn't really
done that many interviews at that time, and she hadn't
really I don't even know if she'd done a podcast
at that time.
Speaker 3 (29:35):
And she doesn't really and she doesn't really have.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
This amazing conversation, and it was such a pivotal moment
for the show it that it stands out for me,
and so I'd say, listen to that one.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Yeah, who's someone you haven't interviewed?
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Who you still want to interview.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
I'm waiting for you, of course, And I mean that,
I genuinely mean that, waiting for you. And then I
mean I've always said my number one pick is Cristiano Ronaldo.
Speaker 3 (30:01):
Oh my god, that would be amazing.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
That's my number one manifest for you, because I would
love to listen to that conversation.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
I really don't. I don't think I've seen him in
many interviews.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
He hasn't. It's it's definitely a language barrier too, of
wanting to get the best out of him. He's had,
He's had a couple of great ones over ten years ago,
now interviews that really I spoke to him. So yeah,
that's and I'm a manchitut I fan, Okay. I would
be like high fiving my fifteen year old self.
Speaker 3 (30:27):
Of course, and I love that.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Okay, So you talk a lot about love, so I
want to get your opinion on a few things. So
do you think that that we all have one soulmate
or multiple loves of your life?
Speaker 3 (30:41):
This is a debate we have in my community all
the time.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
I love that. I think you'll fall in love with
three different people in your life. Oh okay. The first
is the firework. It's big, it's loud, it lights up
the sky, but it fades away. The second is the candle.
It's slower, it's quieter, it has a longer shelf life,
(31:08):
but eventually you might leave it because it doesn't have
the spark. And the third one is the mirror, the
one that shows you all your flaws, shows your reflection,
and shows you who you truly are. And the firework
will probably fade off its own accord, or the firework
(31:31):
will probably fade itself. The candle you might leave before
it fades, and the mirror you might think it's broken
because you don't like what you see. And so I
think we often hop and jump and skip between all
three of these because it doesn't fulfill one part of us.
(31:54):
One doesn't have the spark, one doesn't have the longevity,
and one is too honest, and I think I've been
in love with all three in my life. What I
found was that the mirror was the most powerful one
because as soon as I didn't realize the mirror was
broken and it was showing me exactly who I am,
(32:15):
which is what my wife's done for me. And as
long as the person holding the mirror is compassionate and
empathetic and not shoving it in your face but holding
it kindly there, it can be the most beautiful relationship
that you'll ever have. But I don't believe in the
one soul mat that you're destined to be with, because
I really think that there's a soulmate for each frequency
(32:39):
you operate at. So there's a soulmate for your lowest frequency,
which when you're operating on that frequency, you'll find really attractive.
But as soon as you upgrade to your mid frequency,
you'll think to yourself, how was I ever with that person?
And then you have that frequency, and then you have
your soulmate of your highest frequency, which you could argue
is your ultimate soul mat that requires you to step up.
(33:01):
You have to do the word and do that work
and so I think you'll find a soulmate. And if
you think about even the word soulmate, I really believe
that a soulmate is a mate for your soul and
that could be a friend, it could be a romantic partner.
And that lower vibration, that lower frequency soulmate is almost
like a cell mat, a prison mate that kind of
(33:23):
keeps you stuck. And I think a lot of us
can empathize with having lived with a cell mat for
some time where you thought you were in love, but
actually you were in prison and you were being held
back from your potential. You were being trapped based on
what you believed was possible for you, and maybe you
settled for less than you deserve because you believe that
(33:44):
was your soulmate and cellmate for life. And so I
want people to be much more freer with knowing that
your real partner is out there and they're not this
perfect person, and they're not this person that has it
all together, and they're not going to show you the
best parts of yourself either. This idea that the best
person will bring out the best of me, They'll show
(34:05):
you the worst of you so that you can bring
out the best of yourself. That's what we're trying to
work on, and my wife's definitely done that for me.
The key is they do it in a non judgmental,
empathetic and loving way, not in a way that's like
I see all your flaws and pointing them out in
a manipulative or controlling way.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
Sure. Sure, how long have you guys been married.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
We've been married this year for nine years and together
for twelve.
Speaker 3 (34:30):
How do you guys meet?
Speaker 1 (34:31):
Oh gosh, so we tell the full story on the
first ever episode of my podcast. So that actually, if
you want to know, yeah, that's the first one, start
with that. Yeah, that's probably the right answer I question. Okay,
but yeah, we met before I became a monk. I
was serving at my local temple in London because I
was training in my final year of a college, knowing
(34:53):
that I was going to do that, and I met
a woman who was around my mom's age, and I
was asked to show her around with some chores and services.
And I showed her around and at the end of it,
she said, I have a daughter that I'd love to
introduce to meditation and spirituality. She's around your age. Would
you connect with her? And I said, well, I'm going
to become a monk, so I'll introduce her to my
sister because they were a similar age. That happens to
(35:17):
be my wife's mom. And she brought in my wife
like a week later to introduce me to her. I'd
asked my sister to come along. I saw my wife.
This is like years ago now. I thought she was
absolutely stunning and beautiful, and it was like no focus
on being among, focus focus. And then when I came
back from being among three years later, her and my
sister were best friends, and so my sister was our
(35:38):
matchmaker in the end. And that's the short way beautiful.
Speaker 3 (35:41):
That's beautiful.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
I think a lot of people listening to that story
who are single might think, I would love to meet
someone organically like that. That's the dream, you know, that
doesn't happen anymore. So I'm curious what you would say
to someone who was having that thought. And then, secondly,
if you could give your thoughts on apps, because I
think a lot of people in my community are feeling.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
Pretty drained from them right now.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
And you know, my belief is that things like your story,
natural connections meeting people still happen, and the dating apps
can be great, but they've also made us believe that
that stuff doesn't happen, but it does.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
Like we still go live in the world.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
We still meet someone's mom who has a cute daughter, like,
we still do all that stuff.
Speaker 3 (36:25):
So I'm just curious your thoughts.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Yeah, I think times are changing too, Like if you
look at it twenty five, thirty, maybe even longer now.
You know, fifty years ago, most people met someone who
lived in one mile radius from where they grew up, right,
so you'd get introduced to someone through your parents or
through your friends, or maybe you'll bump into them while
walking to your building or whatever it was. And I
(36:50):
think we always romanticize things in the past, okay, And
I want to point that out because I think we
all have this, and by the way, we have this
as humans. We always say the good old days. Right
in my time, things were amazing, And you know you're
old when you start saying stuff like that, like, oh,
the music when I grew up was really better than
today's music. And by the way, twenty years from now,
people will be saying that about Sabrina Carpenter and being like,
(37:12):
when I had you know, yeah, And so it's like
the same thing that goes round around, And so first
of all, I like to just cut out this nostalgic
false belief because what it does is it gives you
a safety blanket of being like, oh, back in the day,
things were amazing. Today it's worse. And I think, I mean,
you could look at that, you could cut down slice
that both ways in the world and not. There'll be
(37:32):
plenty of historians and researchers who say today's better than ever,
and some will say it's harder than ever. And ultimately,
when it comes to dating, I think the point is
that mindset doesn't help. And so yes, I really believe
that what people are looking for. And I did this
last week. So it's funny you asked. I became Matches
relationship advisor match dot COM's relationship advisor last year, and
(37:54):
the reason I did that was because I developed a
core values test in my book Eight Rules of Love
two years ago, and I wanted to partner with an
app that would help people match based on core values.
My goal wasn't that you should have the same values.
My goal was your values should be something you're aware of.
I think too many people are with people that they
find out their values. Three years later. Wow, oh my gosh,
(38:17):
you wanted to have kids. I had no idea. Oh, really,
you wanted to become an entrepreneur and quit your steady job.
I had no idea. Oh I didn't realize you actually
want to live in the farm and not at the city. Like,
no idea. We're just so unaware of these very big
things about someone. And so we did this event last
week in La on Thursday night. It was for one
hundred singles in La, and I was really excited to
(38:39):
see how it went, and the goal was for people
to meet in person. But with that, Ethos and I
started out with this experiment where I was standing in
the middle of the room. I was surrounded by one
hundred singles, and I read out loud eye statements and
if it applied to them, they had to step forward,
and if it didn't apply to them, they stood where
they were. Okay, so imagine a hundred people founded, and
(39:00):
I read out the first one, which is something like
I consistently miss read flags, and a bunch of people
stepped forward. I asked them what red flags they missed,
and people were honest but tiptoeing, And then I asked
another question, and it got deeper every time. So the
next question I asked was something like, I sometimes forget
my friends in a relationship, so when I'm dating someone,
(39:22):
I forget about my friendships. And it was so funny
because this group of girls were there with their friends
and they all push this friend forward, and honestly, I
was like, this is hilarious, and all three of the
friends were like, yeah, she always does that. And then
I gave it the mic and she goes, yes, I'm
the friend that loves my friend. I was like, how beautiful.
And then it got really deep, and then I asked
the question I've been cheating on my cheated on by
an X? And people stepped forward and shit, the reason
(39:45):
I'm sharing this is what I found was that all
of these people at every stage were willing to be vulnerable.
It took a second, it took a beat, it took
a moment. It wasn't straight off the bat. People tiptoed
forward at the start. At the end, people were coming
forward and opening their hearts. And what I've realized is
that the reason why we think online dating doesn't work
is because we want instant intimacy, we want instant vulnerability.
(40:09):
We want instant openness, and even that night, I had
to wait and be patient for people to feel safe
with me, with each other, with the space. And I
think that's what we should be focusing on, is can
I create a safe space where someone feels they can
be that way with me. The other thing I'd say
for anyone who's feeling exhausted with the apps again, is
(40:31):
I'm not surprised. Of course you are. It's exhausting to
be rejected, reject, accept, move forward, ghosted, whatever it may be,
everything in between. But I'd say the real challenge is
not the app and it's our mindset. And what I
mean by that is we live when we're dating. We
live in one of two states. We're either passive, so
(40:52):
we say things like it will happen when it happens.
I'm not worried right now. Secretly we're really scared and
insecure and pretending. And the other side is where pressured.
Oh my gosh, did you see that person just got engaged.
I'm thirty five, How am I still single? There's all
this pressure, So we live in being passive or feeling pressure.
(41:12):
And really, what I was saying to everyone that night,
and what my goal for everyone listening today would be
is I want you to be in a state of peace,
peace with your past, peace with your present, and peace
about your future. Because guess what, Pressure doesn't attract love?
How could pressure ever attract love? And how could being
passive ever attract love? So how do you get peace? Peace?
(41:34):
Is saying I know what happened in my past wasn't
a waste of time. It hurt, it was painful, it
was the worst, but it wasn't a waste of time
because it showed me who I don't want to be
with and who I don't want to become. And by
the way, I'm not going to put pressure on myself
because I actually believe that when I live in a
state of peace and calm, I'm now operating at that
(41:57):
frequency that attracts a peace and calming relationship into my life.
Whereas if I feel pressure, I'll attract drama and if
I'm passive, I'll attract trauma. But if I'm at peace,
I'll attract someone who's calm, and I'll attract someone who's
matching my frequency.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
Yeah, no, I'm nodding. If you're listening to this, I'm
nodding crazy in a crazy way because I agree so much.
Speaker 3 (42:22):
I think I'm at peace. I really do. I had
a dating coach, and I feel like I'm at piece.
Speaker 1 (42:27):
I know.
Speaker 2 (42:27):
I think the dating coach I had on recently and
she was like, maybe you're you're secretly like because I
said something like I'm really I said something like, when
it happens, it will happen. But I genuinely feel very
at peace for the first time really in the past,
I don't know, only like the past couple months. I
(42:48):
feel really good, like I feel so you know, as
you said, my past is my past for a reason.
Speaker 3 (42:53):
It got me to where I am today and in
the future.
Speaker 2 (42:57):
You know, I'm excited, but I'm also just grateful for
where I am now. I think a big problem that
I have with the dating culture and like the way
that we view finding the one or whatever partner, is
that it really like encourages people to forget to be
grateful for where they are, and for me, I focus
(43:18):
so much on creating a life that I love so
that you know to your previous point that I'm vibrating
at my highest point that I can be, so that
you know I love them. The saying like water seeks
its own level, and so I always think about that.
I'm like, I want to be up here when I
run into another person who I'm compatible with and they're
up here.
Speaker 3 (43:40):
But yeah, I don't know. I wonder, I wonder dating.
I'm at peace, Caroline, you do.
Speaker 2 (43:44):
I think really I am for the for the for
the first time, which is cool, it's it's a nice
place to be.
Speaker 1 (43:49):
But I think I feel it, and I feel it
for whatever it's with in your presence today for sure.
And also I was going to say that I love
what you're saying because a lot of the times people say, well,
how do I know it's love? And if you're already
living a life you love, you'll know it's love totally
because you're already living at that level. Everything is operating
(44:12):
at the vibration and frequency of love. So when something
new comes in, you actually know what frequency it's vibrating
it exactly. You don't have to guess anymore because it
makes sense. It aligns. You know, whether it's jealousy, lust, envy, confusion,
whatever it may be, because you already love everything that's
going on. But if you're hating everything that's going on now,
(44:34):
everything feels like lost, so because everything feels better than
where you're at.
Speaker 3 (44:37):
Wow, I really like that.
Speaker 2 (44:38):
That's actually so true and I think that that will
resonate with so many people I know. For me in
my twenties, that was so the case. I was desperate,
desperate to have a boyfriend because I didn't really like
myself and I didn't really like my life. I felt
like I wasn't living up to my potential. I didn't
feel creatively fulfilled. I didn't like myself as a person.
(45:00):
And instead of dealing with all those things, I was like,
how can I get a boyfriend? Needs to chase boys,
need a boyfriend, need a boyfriend to validate, to validate
my existence. And it's such a great turning point when
you can stop and kind of pivot in your life
and think and really focus on, you know, loving yourself
and being loved to your point so when it comes
(45:22):
in you'll.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Know, yeah, you recognize it.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Love that, Yeah, I love that so much. So you're
gearing up for a massive live tour. What can people
expect from this tour? It's so exciting.
Speaker 1 (45:35):
I'm very excited that it's the first time in six
years since we launched the podcast that I actually get
to go do this yes on stage across North America
to start with, and I think people don't expect surprise.
Guests in every city love some of your favorites, some
absolutely new ones. So really really excited about that. People
can expect to actually have a human connection. I want
(45:55):
everyone to be able to ask questions. I want to
make it really interactive. People will be able to come
and be a part of the experience. I don't want
people to leave there with community. I think that's something
that I found when I'm touring that's different is that
people don't walk out of that room with the same
people they came with. They're walking rout having conversations with
people next to them. If you think about it, everyone
in that room is going to be someone who listens
(46:16):
to on purpose. They're listening every day, they're listening every week,
they're listening every month. Imagine being in the same space
and now you're not walking, or you're not in your kitchen,
or you're not at the gym, You're actually in this
same space listening to the conversation. I can't imagine what
kind of connections will come out of that. So I
think it's going to be super exciting. It's going to
be meaningful. I'm going to be leading meditations on stage,
(46:36):
so for anyone who's been struggling, I'll be guiding those
meditations as well. I think it's going to be a
really meaningful, impactful evening and I can't wait. I'm so excited,
so exciting.
Speaker 2 (46:46):
What's the hardest part of doing a huge show? And
like planning something at this scale, do you get nervous?
I can't imagine you too, But what is there any
challenges that you're looking forward to overcoming?
Speaker 1 (46:57):
So I went on a world tour two years ago,
so we did need forty cities in like three four months,
and that was much harder than I expected it to be.
And I have a lot of clients who are musicians
who tour and do like one hundred hundred and fifty shows,
two hundred shows, and they always used to tell me
that they'd be exhausted by show fifty. So I didn't
even do fifty shows, so I can really empathize with
(47:19):
people who toured that long. To me, it becomes about
everything is sacrificed. And I don't mean that as like,
oh my god, I'm sacrificing everything is about the craft. So,
for example, when I was on tour last time, my
day would start around two or four pm. For working,
I mean it would start later because I'd start with
(47:40):
a group meditation for people who'd opted in for the
big smaller meditation. I'd start a Q and a session
for that group. Then the show would start like seven
point thirty. So I'd stop eating at midday, and then
i wouldn't eat until midnight.
Speaker 3 (47:53):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (47:53):
And then I'd wake up, jump on a plane, and
go and do it all over again in another place.
And so I never went out a night. I never
went out to a restaurant because I was on vocal rest.
And so to me, the key is for that time,
you've got to be totally zoned in. And I love that.
I really enjoy it. I think about it like an
athlete at the Championships or super Bowl, whatever it is,
(48:14):
where it's like you've just got to be focused on
that one thing and there's a beautiful thing that comes
out of that. You get really in the zone. You
recognize what talents and skills you have, You recognize your
ability to fast that I didn't know I could do
that anymore for that long and so it was just
like a really beautiful reminder to build different muscles, sure,
and build different strengths and find a new sense of confidence.
(48:37):
And so yeah, everyone was like, did you travel to
this place? What did you see? I'm like, I didn't
see it.
Speaker 3 (48:40):
I saw my hotel room.
Speaker 1 (48:41):
Yeah, I saw my hotel room. I saw a plane, sure,
and I saw the venue. And I love that. I
don't have any that's beautiful, Like that's what it's for.
I'm not traveling for pleasure. I'm traveling to serve and
it's really exciting.
Speaker 3 (48:54):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (48:55):
Okay, before we go, I have to ask you, do
you have any guilty pleasures like junk food, move b shows?
Like what it when? You're like, you know what, I'm
gonna treat myself, Like what.
Speaker 1 (49:06):
Do you do? So there's this place in La called
Mister Charlie's. It's basically plant based McDonald's. They do chicken nuggets,
they do a chicken sandwich, it's plant based. The fries
and like, I've now got to once every two weeks.
I need that. Okay, it was once every week, it's
now I've got to once every two weeks. And then
I'm a I love Van Luin because and so my
(49:30):
Van Luin order. My wife believes this should be on
their menu because I have a very specific order. So
I go and get a double chocolate fight brownie scoop
of ice cream with hot fudge on top, with sprinkles,
cookie crumble, honeycomb candy, and I think that's about it.
So those are my two food guilty pleasures I love.
(49:51):
So every two weeks, I'll do that now on one
day together. Yeah, so that day, ignore it. Just don't
talk to Jesse for a week, preturn like it didn't happen. Uh.
And then TV wise, I find like, no, I think
I watched good stuff. I mean like I just watched
Why Lowest, the new episode TV so I love that. Yeah.
(50:14):
This year it used to definitely like at one point
I would never miss an episode of Selling Sunset.
Speaker 3 (50:19):
Wait, I love that, Okay, but I love real.
Speaker 1 (50:22):
Estate, so I would skip. And I was telling Jason open.
I met Jason recently and I was telling him. I
was like, I love Selling Sunset, but I always skipped
to all the homes because I loved season real Estate.
He's like, yeah, that's what every guy says, and so
I was like, all right, Jason, thanks for judging me,
but it's true. So yeah, that's what I love that.
Speaker 2 (50:37):
Okay, Well Van Lewin, if you're listening, we need the
Jay Shetty on them. I know that's crazy that that
hasn't happened yet. Jay, thank you for coming on. This
was so meaningful and I just I think you are
so wise and uh, I love your energy. Where can
people find you? And where can people get tickets for
the tour?
Speaker 1 (50:54):
Yeah, I'd love for people to come see me on tour.
It's Jay Shetty Doped Me Forward Slash Tour. J Shetty
Doped Me Forward Slash Tour. And then you can find
me on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, wherever you watch social and
then on any podcast app I Heart Serious and all
the other ones, Apple, Spotify, everything. So yeah, thanks things,
and honestly, I had such a great time. That was
one of my favorite conversations I've had. And you are
(51:16):
the best and on purposes waiting for you. Thank you
so we look forward to having you on the show
so much. Thanks for listening, guys. Bye. If you love
this episode, you will also love my interview with Kendall
Jenna on setting boundaries to increase happiness and healing. You're
in a child, You.
Speaker 2 (51:33):
Could be reading something that someone is saying about you
and being like, that is so unfair because that's not
who I am and that really gets to me sometimes.
But then looking at myself in the mirror and being like,
but I know who I am.
Speaker 3 (51:43):
Why does anything else matter.
Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience on Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jaysheddy dot me forward slash Tour and get
yours today. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Today's
(00:48):
episode is a little different because instead of hosting, I'm
the guest. I joined Tinks on her show Office Hours
for a deep and insightful conversation where I am and
says some of the most thought provoking questions about relationships, dating,
and the stresses of life. I always love these conversations
(01:09):
because I feel like the questions that she's asking me
are what some of you are asking me. It's what
you're worried about. It's what you're thinking about. So, if
you're struggling with dating right now, if you're struggling with
your relationships right now, if you're struggling with a breakup,
this episode is for you. If you're navigating a big
life decision, a big life transition, feeling overwhelmed with the
(01:29):
news and what's happening around you, this episode is for you.
I hope you enjoy it. The number one health and wellness.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Podcast, Jay Sheetty, Jay Sheetty Shetty, Welcome to office hours.
It's so nice to have you on.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Thanks for having me. I'm so grateful to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
This is so exciting. God, I love Calm. I have
to say I love that app, even though I'm not
a meditator. Will get into that later. I have to
say that app is like one of the most used
on my phone. How has that experience been for you?
Speaker 1 (02:02):
That makes me so happy? Yeah. I joined Calm as
their Chief purpose Officer three years ago now, and it
all came from this beautiful friendship I had with the
founders of Calm so Michael Acton Smith and Alex They
both founded the app, and we kept hearing from both
our worlds that I should connect with them, and they
were hearing that they should connected with me, and we
got together and it's been incredible to record a seven
(02:24):
minute meditation five days a week, every week for the
last three years. Wow. And so if someone wants to
build a meditation practice, there's seven minutes a day set
up for you every single day.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
That's so cool. That's pretty fazing. Do you do you
are you sort of like a consultant as well for them?
Do they bounce ideas off of you?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Yeah, we'll discuss everything from what we're expanding with, how
the brain's looking and looking at health right now. We've
been have so many amazing conversations. I'm so proud of.
I mean, what we've been able to create together, but
what they've done, because it's really showed us how meditation
can be stories, can be walks, and can be practicing
so true. And that's what I loved. I didn't want
(03:03):
people to have this limited view of what meditation was.
I wanted them to have this really practical and live
view of it. I know, it's incredible to see that.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
It's funny that you say that, because I'm someone who's like,
you know, when you have a pet and you have
to put their medicine in peanut butter to get them
to eat the pelt.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Like that's me.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
With meditation, I'm like, I don't meditate, you know, I
don't meditate. It's too hard for me. But with Calm,
I actually am able to I do it because that's
what meditating is. It's you know, breath work and thinking
about you know, clearing your mind.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
But I really need the Call app. So that's so interesting.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
We can actually dive in right there, Like, what do
you recommend for someone who is stuck with meditation aside
from Calm, or talk about a little bit more about
Calm who thinks that meditation simply won't work for them,
Because I guess that's.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
Kind of me.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I mean, I do Calm. I use the I like
the sleep going to Sleep ones. Every single night. I
listen to it and if I'm anxious on the plane,
I listened. There's a lot of great short ones on
the app for someone who wants to really get into meditation,
who feels stuck.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
What would you say?
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Yeah, I find it so funny when people come up
to me and they're like, you put me to bed
every night, And I love that feeling. Yeah, yeah, it's
such a nice feeling and having that intimate space with someone.
But for anyone who's struggling with meditation, the first thing
I'd say is everyone struggles with meditation. It's almost like
trying to work out.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
I feel like you would never I imagine you can
meditate for just like perfectly, and you're so good at it.
And sometimes I even think about when I see like
you on Instagram or whatever, I'm like, that guy meditates
so well and I know it, but it's just it's hard.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
It's been nearly twenty years. I better meditate.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Well now, I know, but I just I automatically think
of the to do list. When I try to do
it with no call map, I'm like, oh my god,
I have to call the plumber.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Oh my god, I have to do that, and it's
just so hard to kick into it.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
But I really love calm, So maybe it's about marrying
the two.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
So I want to I want to share a few things.
The first thing is that there's three types in that dea.
There's breath work, there's visualization, and there's mantra. And I'll
explain all three and I was trained in all three
during my time as a monk, and so I love
helping it be a menu for people because I think
sometimes people just don't know where to start. And so
I remember my first day in the monastery in India
(05:18):
and I saw a young monk teaching younger monks how
to meditate. And so I walked up to this young
monk and asked him, what are you doing and he said,
it's their first day of school. I'm teaching them how
to breathe. And I said okay, And he said what
did you learn on your first day of school? And
I said maybe one, two, three, ABC, I don't know.
And he said, well, here, we teach them how to breathe,
(05:39):
because the only thing that stays with you from the
moment you're born to the moment you die is your breath.
And he said everything else changes, your family, your friends,
where you live, all of that can change, but the
breath stays with you that whole time. And then he
said to me, what changes when you're happy your breath?
(06:00):
What changes when you're sad your breath? What changes when
you're late your breath? What changes when you're angry? Your breath?
And he said, every emotion in your life is connected
to your breath. So if you learn to master your breath,
you learn to master life. Now he was ten years
old and something like that, like ten eleven years old
and sharing all this wisdom. And the reason why I
love that story is because you stop looking at meditation
(06:23):
as this thing you have to do, and you recognize
it's actually a way of living. It's who you are.
You have your breath. And if you look at the
best athletes, the best musicians, the best people out there
in the world doing incredible things, they've all learned to
master their breath. You can't run for that long without
knowing your breath. You can't play a wind instrument for
(06:45):
that long without mastering your breath. And when you look
at it that way, you recognize we're all athletes. We
all require and demand so much of our bodies. And
so for anyone who's struggling to start with meditation, my
tiny request is just notice how you inhale, and notice
how you exhl. And so if we in hell together
right now, things together, you could probably feel something happening
(07:09):
in your nostrils. You can feel the change of your body.
And the practice I like people to get comfortable with
is as you're listening to this if you can. Of course,
if you're driving, don't do this, or if you're on
the treadmill, maybe you don't do this. But place your
left palm on your stomach, and as you breathe in,
feel your stomach come out, and as you breathe out,
(07:31):
feel your stomach go in. As you breathe in, feel
your stomach go out, and as you breathe out, feel
your stomach go in. Now things, were you thinking about
what you're going to eat later?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
No, I wasn't think it was.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
You went right. And what's beautiful about it is we
use the sense of touch. So we were touching our stomachs.
We could feel something changing. And I think sometimes we
think meditations in the mind, but what I like to
remind people is that meditation is a very physical, feelable thing.
And so both of us there for a second felt
everything stop, felt everything slowed down, and felt disconnected even
(08:13):
from the space we were in. And so use all
your senses. Light some incense if you like, so that
the sense of smell is engaged. Hold your stomach, hold
on to something if that helps you feel connected. Don't
feel like you have to do it all in your head.
Speaker 3 (08:26):
Yeah. Wow, No, it's so true.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
That's my favorite part of the sleeping meditation that I
do it from the call map is like breathing, you know,
then hold and breathe out. And it's crazy, the power
of breath because even just doing those two breaths now
did calm me down, kind of refocus, like I was
running from something. I'm kind of you know, mine's all
over the place as usual, We're all doing a million
things and we don't think about breathing that much and
(08:52):
we don't focus on it. But it's incredible the power
of just a few breaths that can transform your moment absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Our usual experience of life is our mind is moving
fast and our body is sitting still. So true, our
mind is racing from the moment we're up and our
body is sitting in a chair. And what meditation teaches
you to do is still your mind so that you
can move your body. Yeah, and that's what we need
to get to. We need to get to a place
where we're moving our bodies still in our mind as
(09:23):
opposed to the other way around. Yeah, and I completely
agree with you that if anyone I think the best
time to use it is use it when you feel
like you just rush to jump onto that train, or
when you were just rushing into that uber, or when
you were just rushing into a meeting. Take a second
to just do three deep in heals and excels, and
(09:45):
all of a sudden, you'll start to gain confidence in it.
I think people think meditation has to be something you
do outside of your real life. I think about it
completely the opposite. I do it in the back of ubers,
I do it when I'm on trains, I do it
when I'm running into a meeting and I'm feeling out
of breath or late. I'm doing it in my life,
and I think that's a great way to start because
it builds your confidence. It gives you some momentum rather
(10:06):
than oh I haven't meditated today. Yes, it's like, no,
I just used breath because my breathing was faster, shallow,
and more random when I was feeling tired, anxious or nervous. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
No, okay, Well, so maybe I do meditate a little bit,
Because I do. I have been doing that lately.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
I do.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I try to do three really just intentional breaths, because
you know, with the phone, our minds are really it's
a lot, like there's this trend on social media right
now where people are like, unfortunately, my brain can no
longer tell the difference between getting an email and being
chased by a bear. And it's like, I totally feel that,
(10:44):
you know, and I feel like our nervous systems are
kind of all out of whack.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
We're looking at the phone all the time.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
We're obsessed with the news updates and everything, and it's like,
and you're right, And usually we're sitting in a car,
or we're sitting in our desk or whatever, and you
start to freak out, and then you just go, Okay,
now I'm here. I'm going to do three breaths, and
I'm going to move on on that point. I do
want to ask you, there is just twenty four to
seven news. It's a bombardment, a lot of negativity, and
(11:13):
a lot I know a lot of people in my
community are feeling super super overwhelmed right now. So, aside
from intentional breathing meditation, how would you suggest people dose
themselves on the news or how do you personally filter
the information you receive so that you're informed but you're
(11:34):
not freaking out?
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Yeah? I think I read something that said, we're exposed
to more tragedy in twenty four hours today than we
were in our whole lifetime twenty five years ago. That's crazy,
and if you think about that for a second, it
feels true. We consume around thirty four gigabytes of data
per day. Do you remember when your hard drive wasn't
(12:00):
even one gigabyte? And when you're looking at that, just
to make it make sense for people, I read an
article that was saying, that's like reading one hundred thousand
words every day.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
It's like watching twenty five episodes of Stranger Things in
one day, just back to back to back. So we're
consuming so much information, and like you said, not all
of its help. A lot of it's news, notifications, negativity, noise,
and I call these the four ends. They put us
into a minus state. Every time a notification comes in,
(12:32):
you're like minus one energy. Negativity comes in minus two energy,
news comes in minus three energy, and the rest of
the day you're literally climbing back up to Zero's actually
how I feel. That's how you feel right. You feel inundated,
and you almost feel buried by these four ends. You
feel buried by notifications, negativity, news and noise. So what
(12:52):
do you do about it? For me? And I know
this sounds bizarre, but it has changed my life and
I have to bring it up. There has to be
a way that the first five minutes of your day
are not on your phone, okay, And whether that's getting
a hatch, which is what I've been using right next
to my bedside, which has this natural light alarm that
wakes you up. And again, I hate the word alarm.
(13:14):
Let's just think about this for a second. The only
time an alarm helps you is when there's a fire
or and there's something going wrong, which means the fact
that you wake up to an alarm or an alert
means something bad's about to happen. So if your alarm
tone doesn't fill you with calm or fill you with stillness,
change it. The second thing I'd say is that morning
(13:34):
five minutes, thirty minutes if you can, is so powerful,
And I'll tell you why. Your brain's just waking up.
You would never let one hundred people into the bedroom
of your mind, right, Just think about that for a second.
You would never let one hundred people into your bedroom
before you've brushed your teeth, washed your hair, or put
(13:56):
on your makeup. But me and you, all of us,
let in a one hundred people into the bedroom of
our mind as soon as we pick up our phone. Now,
all of a sudden, imagine a hundred people, your family,
your friends, your boss, crowded around your bed, yelling things
at you. Did you get that report in? Oh? What
do you think of this picture I'm about to post.
(14:17):
Oh you forgot to wish your uncle a happy birthday? Right,
whatever it is? And all of a sudden, everyone's yelling
at you, and your days starting on a negative, your
day starting on being reactive. So what I try and
focus on doing, especially with news, because that's what your
question was about. I believe it's so important that news
doesn't find us. Wow. I think we live in a
(14:40):
world where most of us don't find news or look
for news. News finds us, which means it appears on
our feed. It means we have the news channel on
our television at home or on a screen open on
our laptop without us even wanting it. We don't go
in search for it. It's just there in the back
ground of our life. And if news is the background
(15:02):
of your life, tragedy is at the forefront of your life.
That's the first thing you're seeing. And so what I'd
say to people is be really clear about who you
get your news from, what time of day you feel
comfortable consuming news. When someone tells me their of anxiety,
the first two questions I asked them is what did
you watch last night? Wow? And when did you last
(15:23):
consume the news? Those are the telltale signs. They tell
me they watched a murder mystery last night or something
like that, or some true crime, and then they tell
me they just check the news. So I'm not telling
you to not be informed. We're trying to save you
from being overwhelmed. So for me, I find the time
I'm best at dealing with the news is three hours
(15:44):
after I've woken up, okay, because that gives me the
time to set my day up so that I have
a strong foundation and a strong place from which to
process difficult sad, tough, challenging news, as opposed to if
I'm looking at it immediately now, I'm already thinking, gosh,
today's going to be the worst day. This is terrible.
(16:04):
Where's everything going. I haven't had a moment and it's
almost like thinking about it from the perspective of when
do you feel comfortable dealing with something challenging, When do
you feel strong enough to say, Okay, I'm ready to
deal with the day now. And I think for me
that takes three hours to do it, and I don't
try and do it just before I go to bed either,
because that's really challenging. So pick who you read your
(16:27):
news from. Find your news, don't let it find you.
Be really clear about what type of news. Do you
like social media news or do you actually prefer reading
news from a website? And do you like watching the
news on TV? Or are you someone who actually just
wants to read a newsletter. I think it's so important
that we trade and make these choices rather than letting
(16:47):
the news bombards when it wants, how it wants, or
wherever it wants.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
That was really helpful practical advice.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
I really like finding the news versus letting it find you,
because I've personally been struggling with that too, and I
really really like that.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
And the timing thing.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
I'm really bad about the phone first thing in the morning,
and I need to fix that because it's just a
It is such a clear difference when you don't do
the phone first thing, you feel better.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
And you know, we lie to ourselves.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
We say, oh, well, maybe something happened overnight that I
need to know.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
Nothing happened. Nothing, It's exactly what you said.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
It's you forgot to wish your uncle happy birthday, your
boss needs something.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Nothing happened like you would know.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
And I think that's a big lie I tell myself,
and I really want to be better about that, and.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
We all do that. I empathize with that thing, so like,
I think that's real, especially for those of us who
live away from family, who are not close. And I
know my wife feels that way. Yeah, it's a real thing.
So I want to validate that. I don't think it's
makes you weak or not strong. I think we all
have that. Yeah, And I think the reality is, let's
find a way of getting that news, that very very
(17:53):
important news. Whether it is you going back to having
a landline, or whether it is you having two separate phones,
one you wake up with near your bed that only
your emergency contact and your family member has access to
and nothing else is on there. There's ways of doing
it in a way that protects us and protects the
people we love, so I don't want to invalidate that
(18:14):
feeling because that's real as well.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Totally okay.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
So on the topic of morning routines, I feel like
you're a guy who has a very I need to
know in detail the morning routine, like aside from no phone,
walk me through waking up the first hour couple hours.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
So I'll walk you through my morning routine and then
I'll break it down into how I think people can
use it, okay, their life, because I don't think my
morning routine should be a standard, and no one's morning
routine should be a standard. So I wake up around
six am every day. That's my time that I feel
happy and comfortable doing consistently. That's five days a week.
I always look at every routine in my life as
(18:51):
five days a week. I don't believe it has to
apply to my weekends because I feel that there's a
recovery and rest that's massively needed on a weekend or
whatever your weekend tends to be. So I wake up
at six am, I'm usually in my meditation room meditating
by six fifteen, and so sixty six fifteen is brushing
my teeth, showering, just getting ready putting on some comfy clothes.
(19:14):
And for me, the thing that's helped me most in
the morning is I have a little post it note
next to my bed, and I'll put different questions on
it that means something to me. So the first thing
I see in the morning is a question, and the
questions as simple as what are you grateful for today?
Or the question is what are you excited about today?
Or the question is how are you feeling? And what
(19:36):
I find is those questions allow me to start off
the day proactively about me rather than reactively to everything
I have to do. And so those post it notes
remind me to be before I do anything. Who do
I want to be? What is my being about today?
The question could say who what are you hoping to
channel today? And I can say love or kindness, whatever
(20:00):
it may be, And all of a sudden, I'm set
for the day. And then I'll put on some It
could be bird sounds, it could be Montra music, it
could be something that's super calming, almost like spa music,
Like I'll be literally getting ready to that, and then
six fifteen I'm meditating. So I meditate for one and
a half hours to two hours every day. Usually an
hour a half ins in the morning, So six fifteen
(20:22):
to seven forty five I'm measured meditating, and then eight
am I start working out, and so aight am to
nine am I'm working out. That's changed over time. It
used to be tennis, it's been pickaball, it was hiking.
Now it's strength training because every podcast guest I talk
to keeps talking about value of strength, and I'm in
that decade that everything back is in. So all I've
(20:44):
been doing is strength training for the past six months
now probably consistently, but three probably really consistently. And so
that becomes an hour and then nine am I start.
I eat some breakfast and start my day. And it's
a savory breakfast because I've had too many guests talk
about glucose spikes, so my whole life is a savory breakfast.
So by nine am, that's when I feel I have
(21:05):
a strong foundation to stop my day. I love that.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
Yes, I know, I so many people talk about the
savory breakfast.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
It's huge.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
It's huge, I know. And again you feel you feel
the difference.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
I think, you know.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
The annoying thing about all of this stuff is that
it really does work. And then so it's just like,
you know, I try to be so real with my
community and pass on these tips and talk to experts
like you, but you know, sometimes you fall off and
that's okay. And then so I really like what you
said about the weekends too, because I think when you're
only looking at something for doing it five days or
(21:40):
four days or whatever, you know, your week looks like
it's nice because then you have a little bit of
that Lily way.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Time and it's okay, it's it's okay.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
I think with all of these practices that are, you know,
aimed to make us feel better, I think the point
is they have to make us feel better. So it's like,
if your routine is getting to point where you know
it's not sustainable, you guys, it's okay to be like, Okay,
well I need to change this.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
I need an extra half hour of sleep.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
I like what you said about you know, that's when
you're comfortable, you know, you have to figure it out,
and that's it also changes over time too, So I
like that.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Yeah, you want it to be the exception and not
the rule, right, I look at it as seventy percent. Yeah,
I want seventy percent of my week to be as
optimal as healthy as possible. Yeah, and then the twenty
five to thirty percent that's left over, I'm okay for
that to be more mixed up. So five days a
week I'll have a savory breakfast. It does make a
difference as someone coming from a former sugar addict, right, Like,
(22:36):
I used to wake up wanting to eat a sugary
breakfast and then eat something sugary at lunch and then
have something sugar in the evening. Having a savory breakfast
has completely curved that desire, and it's setting me up
not to have those crazy crashes later on in the day,
and now my energy is actually sustained throughout the day
as well.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
I love Glucose Goddess.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Yeah, me too.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Love Jesse her book and like I you know, that
is something I haven't meta in person, but her teachings
really had an impact on the way that I eat.
And again, I've fallen off right now, I'm kind of
in an off period, but just having that knowledge is
so helpful.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
I really think she's smart.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
I agree.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Okay, Switching gears a little bit.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
You have this super super successful podcast.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
What's one interview that took you by surprise.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
I'm waiting for you to come on, Thanes.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
Okay, I know we need to do it.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
We need to do it here, come on, say that again.
What's it?
Speaker 2 (23:28):
What's an interview or a guest that took you by surprise?
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Ooh, that's a great question. Who took me by surprise?
I'd say the person who took me most by surprise
was Brian Chesky, who's the founder of Airbnb and this
year of Airbnb. And the reason is because I thought
that he might have the archetype of a tech founder. Yeah,
(23:53):
because that's what he's done. And so I wasn't sure,
and I tried very hard to not go in to
any interview having any judge. But at the same time,
there's a certain archetype that you expect to meet or
that you expect to converse with. And when I met him,
I realized that he's an artist and a design in
a tech person's body. You've met Brian.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
I've met Brian, and it's so true. And I listened
to that interview and it was a great interview. You
really it was an amazing conversation between you two.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Thank you. Yeah, it's easily one of my favorites. Because
I think it shows you. I think there's a lot
of people out there right now who are artists and
designers who are thinking, well, I can't find a company
or a build a tech company, or I can't work
at a company like that because I don't know coding
or engineering. And it's like, well, no, no, no, no, no,
you can be an artist in a tech company. That's
what Steve Jobs was, That's what Brian Cheskey is, and
(24:44):
that's why I love Brian so much. He reminded me
of the closest thing we have to a Steve Jobs,
visionary type of someone who just thinks so outside the box.
He was super vulnerable about his love life, his relationships.
He's forty years old, he's a billionaire, he was looking
for love and I thought it was so brave of
him to be so open about that. And yeah, I
(25:05):
love him. He's become a great friend. He's an awesome
guys so great. Yeah, that was the most surprising one.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Yeah, you go really deep with your guests. Do you
ever find yourself getting emotional when you're interviewing people.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I can get really emotional, Like I think the most
emotional I get is at weddings. I was just at
my friend's wedding two weeks ago. Okay, and this was
a wedding I was just attending. But when I'm officiating weddings,
I'm so scared that I'm going to ruin the ceremony
because I'm going to cry. So I've got to stand
there in my head, I'm going, don't cry, don't cry,
don't cry. And that's what I do in the podcast too,
(25:37):
because I feel that people are so genuinely expressing something
that they may never have shared somewhere else before, or
it's really hard and courageous and brave of them to
go there, and my heart I almost feel like crying sometimes.
All Right, I'd have to stop myself from crying because
I'm not even crying because of what they're sharing so emotional.
It's because I respect the bravery. I respect the courage
(26:00):
it takes to put your life out there, and you
do that, I respect you for doing it. So many
of our peers, so many of our friends, do that.
I respect them for doing it because it's a really
courageous act. It's a really difficult thing to do. And
so my tears are almost preempting the fact that when
you open up. There's going to be so many different
reactions and responses, and I feel really grateful that people
(26:23):
trust me to do that with and I mean, you know, yeah,
I think one that was amazing was Tom Holland when
he opened about is Sobriety.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
Yeah, that was another one I listened to.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
That was great, And it was just amazing because the
amount the hundreds of thousands of messages we've had from
that episode saying you help me or Tom helped me
get through my sobriety or get back on or have
more grace for myself. And then you cry because of
that message because you're thinking about all the people that
are affected. So there's a lot of crying in private
because I know great.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
I think it's great.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
I think you people feel really safe with you, and
I think your vulnerability like inspires vulnerability in your guests.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
So it's just really really really good work. Okay, So,
if someone was.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
New to your podcast, what's a standout interview that they
should start with?
Speaker 1 (27:12):
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(28:38):
I would have said Brian, but now they said it already.
Speaker 3 (28:41):
Let me think the interviewed everyone amazing.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Which one of you listen It sounds like you've been
listening something.
Speaker 3 (28:47):
No, I think I think that.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
I thought that Brian was great. The Tomlin was great.
My friend Claudia was just on your podcast. This was
great and it was super vulnerable, which is the side
of her that people don't see that often.
Speaker 3 (28:58):
So it is great.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
Yeah, clearly amazing. She was exactly like what I was
just describing. I had to hold back my tears. I'd say,
if someone was new to my podcast and they had
to listen to one, it's such a great question. Let
me think, I want to give a I want to
give a really thoughtful answer to one that I would
really have. Oh, there's there's a couple that I think
I really loved. One that I'd say that that stands
(29:22):
out to me. And I say it because it was
such a shifting moment for our show. It was Kendall
Jenner on the show, and it's because she hadn't really
done that many interviews at that time, and she hadn't
really I don't even know if she'd done a podcast
at that time.
Speaker 3 (29:35):
And she doesn't really and she doesn't really have.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
This amazing conversation, and it was such a pivotal moment
for the show it that it stands out for me,
and so I'd say, listen to that one.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Yeah, who's someone you haven't interviewed?
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Who you still want to interview.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
I'm waiting for you, of course, And I mean that,
I genuinely mean that, waiting for you. And then I
mean I've always said my number one pick is Cristiano Ronaldo.
Speaker 3 (30:01):
Oh my god, that would be amazing.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
That's my number one manifest for you, because I would
love to listen to that conversation.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
I really don't. I don't think I've seen him in
many interviews.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
He hasn't. It's it's definitely a language barrier too, of
wanting to get the best out of him. He's had,
He's had a couple of great ones over ten years ago,
now interviews that really I spoke to him. So yeah,
that's and I'm a manchitut I fan, Okay. I would
be like high fiving my fifteen year old self.
Speaker 3 (30:27):
Of course, and I love that.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Okay, So you talk a lot about love, so I
want to get your opinion on a few things. So
do you think that that we all have one soulmate
or multiple loves of your life?
Speaker 3 (30:41):
This is a debate we have in my community all
the time.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
I love that. I think you'll fall in love with
three different people in your life. Oh okay. The first
is the firework. It's big, it's loud, it lights up
the sky, but it fades away. The second is the candle.
It's slower, it's quieter, it has a longer shelf life,
(31:08):
but eventually you might leave it because it doesn't have
the spark. And the third one is the mirror, the
one that shows you all your flaws, shows your reflection,
and shows you who you truly are. And the firework
will probably fade off its own accord, or the firework
(31:31):
will probably fade itself. The candle you might leave before
it fades, and the mirror you might think it's broken
because you don't like what you see. And so I
think we often hop and jump and skip between all
three of these because it doesn't fulfill one part of us.
(31:54):
One doesn't have the spark, one doesn't have the longevity,
and one is too honest, and I think I've been
in love with all three in my life. What I
found was that the mirror was the most powerful one
because as soon as I didn't realize the mirror was
broken and it was showing me exactly who I am,
(32:15):
which is what my wife's done for me. And as
long as the person holding the mirror is compassionate and
empathetic and not shoving it in your face but holding
it kindly there, it can be the most beautiful relationship
that you'll ever have. But I don't believe in the
one soul mat that you're destined to be with, because
I really think that there's a soulmate for each frequency
(32:39):
you operate at. So there's a soulmate for your lowest frequency,
which when you're operating on that frequency, you'll find really attractive.
But as soon as you upgrade to your mid frequency,
you'll think to yourself, how was I ever with that person?
And then you have that frequency, and then you have
your soulmate of your highest frequency, which you could argue
is your ultimate soul mat that requires you to step up.
(33:01):
You have to do the word and do that work
and so I think you'll find a soulmate. And if
you think about even the word soulmate, I really believe
that a soulmate is a mate for your soul and
that could be a friend, it could be a romantic partner.
And that lower vibration, that lower frequency soulmate is almost
like a cell mat, a prison mate that kind of
(33:23):
keeps you stuck. And I think a lot of us
can empathize with having lived with a cell mat for
some time where you thought you were in love, but
actually you were in prison and you were being held
back from your potential. You were being trapped based on
what you believed was possible for you, and maybe you
settled for less than you deserve because you believe that
(33:44):
was your soulmate and cellmate for life. And so I
want people to be much more freer with knowing that
your real partner is out there and they're not this
perfect person, and they're not this person that has it
all together, and they're not going to show you the
best parts of yourself either. This idea that the best
person will bring out the best of me, They'll show
(34:05):
you the worst of you so that you can bring
out the best of yourself. That's what we're trying to
work on, and my wife's definitely done that for me.
The key is they do it in a non judgmental,
empathetic and loving way, not in a way that's like
I see all your flaws and pointing them out in
a manipulative or controlling way.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
Sure. Sure, how long have you guys been married.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
We've been married this year for nine years and together
for twelve.
Speaker 3 (34:30):
How do you guys meet?
Speaker 1 (34:31):
Oh gosh, so we tell the full story on the
first ever episode of my podcast. So that actually, if
you want to know, yeah, that's the first one, start
with that. Yeah, that's probably the right answer I question. Okay,
but yeah, we met before I became a monk. I
was serving at my local temple in London because I
was training in my final year of a college, knowing
(34:53):
that I was going to do that, and I met
a woman who was around my mom's age, and I
was asked to show her around with some chores and services.
And I showed her around and at the end of it,
she said, I have a daughter that I'd love to
introduce to meditation and spirituality. She's around your age. Would
you connect with her? And I said, well, I'm going
to become a monk, so I'll introduce her to my
sister because they were a similar age. That happens to
(35:17):
be my wife's mom. And she brought in my wife
like a week later to introduce me to her. I'd
asked my sister to come along. I saw my wife.
This is like years ago now. I thought she was
absolutely stunning and beautiful, and it was like no focus
on being among, focus focus. And then when I came
back from being among three years later, her and my
sister were best friends, and so my sister was our
(35:38):
matchmaker in the end. And that's the short way beautiful.
Speaker 3 (35:41):
That's beautiful.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
I think a lot of people listening to that story
who are single might think, I would love to meet
someone organically like that. That's the dream, you know, that
doesn't happen anymore. So I'm curious what you would say
to someone who was having that thought. And then, secondly,
if you could give your thoughts on apps, because I
think a lot of people in my community are feeling.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
Pretty drained from them right now.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
And you know, my belief is that things like your story,
natural connections meeting people still happen, and the dating apps
can be great, but they've also made us believe that
that stuff doesn't happen, but it does.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
Like we still go live in the world.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
We still meet someone's mom who has a cute daughter, like,
we still do all that stuff.
Speaker 3 (36:25):
So I'm just curious your thoughts.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Yeah, I think times are changing too, Like if you
look at it twenty five, thirty, maybe even longer now.
You know, fifty years ago, most people met someone who
lived in one mile radius from where they grew up, right,
so you'd get introduced to someone through your parents or
through your friends, or maybe you'll bump into them while
walking to your building or whatever it was. And I
(36:50):
think we always romanticize things in the past, okay, And
I want to point that out because I think we
all have this, and by the way, we have this
as humans. We always say the good old days. Right
in my time, things were amazing, And you know you're
old when you start saying stuff like that, like, oh,
the music when I grew up was really better than
today's music. And by the way, twenty years from now,
people will be saying that about Sabrina Carpenter and being like,
(37:12):
when I had you know, yeah, And so it's like
the same thing that goes round around, And so first
of all, I like to just cut out this nostalgic
false belief because what it does is it gives you
a safety blanket of being like, oh, back in the day,
things were amazing. Today it's worse. And I think, I mean,
you could look at that, you could cut down slice
that both ways in the world and not. There'll be
(37:32):
plenty of historians and researchers who say today's better than ever,
and some will say it's harder than ever. And ultimately,
when it comes to dating, I think the point is
that mindset doesn't help. And so yes, I really believe
that what people are looking for. And I did this
last week. So it's funny you asked. I became Matches
relationship advisor match dot COM's relationship advisor last year, and
(37:54):
the reason I did that was because I developed a
core values test in my book Eight Rules of Love
two years ago, and I wanted to partner with an
app that would help people match based on core values.
My goal wasn't that you should have the same values.
My goal was your values should be something you're aware of.
I think too many people are with people that they
find out their values. Three years later. Wow, oh my gosh,
(38:17):
you wanted to have kids. I had no idea. Oh, really,
you wanted to become an entrepreneur and quit your steady job.
I had no idea. Oh I didn't realize you actually
want to live in the farm and not at the city. Like,
no idea. We're just so unaware of these very big
things about someone. And so we did this event last
week in La on Thursday night. It was for one
hundred singles in La, and I was really excited to
(38:39):
see how it went, and the goal was for people
to meet in person. But with that, Ethos and I
started out with this experiment where I was standing in
the middle of the room. I was surrounded by one
hundred singles, and I read out loud eye statements and
if it applied to them, they had to step forward,
and if it didn't apply to them, they stood where
they were. Okay, so imagine a hundred people founded, and
(39:00):
I read out the first one, which is something like
I consistently miss read flags, and a bunch of people
stepped forward. I asked them what red flags they missed,
and people were honest but tiptoeing, And then I asked
another question, and it got deeper every time. So the
next question I asked was something like, I sometimes forget
my friends in a relationship, so when I'm dating someone,
(39:22):
I forget about my friendships. And it was so funny
because this group of girls were there with their friends
and they all push this friend forward, and honestly, I
was like, this is hilarious, and all three of the
friends were like, yeah, she always does that. And then
I gave it the mic and she goes, yes, I'm
the friend that loves my friend. I was like, how beautiful.
And then it got really deep, and then I asked
the question I've been cheating on my cheated on by
an X? And people stepped forward and shit, the reason
(39:45):
I'm sharing this is what I found was that all
of these people at every stage were willing to be vulnerable.
It took a second, it took a beat, it took
a moment. It wasn't straight off the bat. People tiptoed
forward at the start. At the end, people were coming
forward and opening their hearts. And what I've realized is
that the reason why we think online dating doesn't work
is because we want instant intimacy, we want instant vulnerability.
(40:09):
We want instant openness, and even that night, I had
to wait and be patient for people to feel safe
with me, with each other, with the space. And I
think that's what we should be focusing on, is can
I create a safe space where someone feels they can
be that way with me. The other thing I'd say
for anyone who's feeling exhausted with the apps again, is
(40:31):
I'm not surprised. Of course you are. It's exhausting to
be rejected, reject, accept, move forward, ghosted, whatever it may be,
everything in between. But I'd say the real challenge is
not the app and it's our mindset. And what I
mean by that is we live when we're dating. We
live in one of two states. We're either passive, so
(40:52):
we say things like it will happen when it happens.
I'm not worried right now. Secretly we're really scared and
insecure and pretending. And the other side is where pressured.
Oh my gosh, did you see that person just got engaged.
I'm thirty five, How am I still single? There's all
this pressure, So we live in being passive or feeling pressure.
(41:12):
And really, what I was saying to everyone that night,
and what my goal for everyone listening today would be
is I want you to be in a state of peace,
peace with your past, peace with your present, and peace
about your future. Because guess what, Pressure doesn't attract love?
How could pressure ever attract love? And how could being
passive ever attract love? So how do you get peace? Peace?
(41:34):
Is saying I know what happened in my past wasn't
a waste of time. It hurt, it was painful, it
was the worst, but it wasn't a waste of time
because it showed me who I don't want to be
with and who I don't want to become. And by
the way, I'm not going to put pressure on myself
because I actually believe that when I live in a
state of peace and calm, I'm now operating at that
(41:57):
frequency that attracts a peace and calming relationship into my life.
Whereas if I feel pressure, I'll attract drama and if
I'm passive, I'll attract trauma. But if I'm at peace,
I'll attract someone who's calm, and I'll attract someone who's
matching my frequency.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
Yeah, no, I'm nodding. If you're listening to this, I'm
nodding crazy in a crazy way because I agree so much.
Speaker 3 (42:22):
I think I'm at peace. I really do. I had
a dating coach, and I feel like I'm at piece.
Speaker 1 (42:27):
I know.
Speaker 2 (42:27):
I think the dating coach I had on recently and
she was like, maybe you're you're secretly like because I
said something like I'm really I said something like, when
it happens, it will happen. But I genuinely feel very
at peace for the first time really in the past,
I don't know, only like the past couple months. I
(42:48):
feel really good, like I feel so you know, as
you said, my past is my past for a reason.
Speaker 3 (42:53):
It got me to where I am today and in
the future.
Speaker 2 (42:57):
You know, I'm excited, but I'm also just grateful for
where I am now. I think a big problem that
I have with the dating culture and like the way
that we view finding the one or whatever partner, is
that it really like encourages people to forget to be
grateful for where they are, and for me, I focus
(43:18):
so much on creating a life that I love so
that you know to your previous point that I'm vibrating
at my highest point that I can be, so that
you know I love them. The saying like water seeks
its own level, and so I always think about that.
I'm like, I want to be up here when I
run into another person who I'm compatible with and they're
up here.
Speaker 3 (43:40):
But yeah, I don't know. I wonder, I wonder dating.
I'm at peace, Caroline, you do.
Speaker 2 (43:44):
I think really I am for the for the for
the first time, which is cool, it's it's a nice
place to be.
Speaker 1 (43:49):
But I think I feel it, and I feel it
for whatever it's with in your presence today for sure.
And also I was going to say that I love
what you're saying because a lot of the times people say, well,
how do I know it's love? And if you're already
living a life you love, you'll know it's love totally
because you're already living at that level. Everything is operating
(44:12):
at the vibration and frequency of love. So when something
new comes in, you actually know what frequency it's vibrating
it exactly. You don't have to guess anymore because it
makes sense. It aligns. You know, whether it's jealousy, lust, envy, confusion,
whatever it may be, because you already love everything that's
going on. But if you're hating everything that's going on now,
(44:34):
everything feels like lost, so because everything feels better than
where you're at.
Speaker 3 (44:37):
Wow, I really like that.
Speaker 2 (44:38):
That's actually so true and I think that that will
resonate with so many people I know. For me in
my twenties, that was so the case. I was desperate,
desperate to have a boyfriend because I didn't really like
myself and I didn't really like my life. I felt
like I wasn't living up to my potential. I didn't
feel creatively fulfilled. I didn't like myself as a person.
(45:00):
And instead of dealing with all those things, I was like,
how can I get a boyfriend? Needs to chase boys,
need a boyfriend, need a boyfriend to validate, to validate
my existence. And it's such a great turning point when
you can stop and kind of pivot in your life
and think and really focus on, you know, loving yourself
and being loved to your point so when it comes
(45:22):
in you'll.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Know, yeah, you recognize it.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Love that, Yeah, I love that so much. So you're
gearing up for a massive live tour. What can people
expect from this tour? It's so exciting.
Speaker 1 (45:35):
I'm very excited that it's the first time in six
years since we launched the podcast that I actually get
to go do this yes on stage across North America
to start with, and I think people don't expect surprise.
Guests in every city love some of your favorites, some
absolutely new ones. So really really excited about that. People
can expect to actually have a human connection. I want
(45:55):
everyone to be able to ask questions. I want to
make it really interactive. People will be able to come
and be a part of the experience. I don't want
people to leave there with community. I think that's something
that I found when I'm touring that's different is that
people don't walk out of that room with the same
people they came with. They're walking rout having conversations with
people next to them. If you think about it, everyone
in that room is going to be someone who listens
(46:16):
to on purpose. They're listening every day, they're listening every week,
they're listening every month. Imagine being in the same space
and now you're not walking, or you're not in your kitchen,
or you're not at the gym, You're actually in this
same space listening to the conversation. I can't imagine what
kind of connections will come out of that. So I
think it's going to be super exciting. It's going to
be meaningful. I'm going to be leading meditations on stage,
(46:36):
so for anyone who's been struggling, I'll be guiding those
meditations as well. I think it's going to be a
really meaningful, impactful evening and I can't wait. I'm so excited,
so exciting.
Speaker 2 (46:46):
What's the hardest part of doing a huge show? And
like planning something at this scale, do you get nervous?
I can't imagine you too, But what is there any
challenges that you're looking forward to overcoming?
Speaker 1 (46:57):
So I went on a world tour two years ago,
so we did need forty cities in like three four months,
and that was much harder than I expected it to be.
And I have a lot of clients who are musicians
who tour and do like one hundred hundred and fifty shows,
two hundred shows, and they always used to tell me
that they'd be exhausted by show fifty. So I didn't
even do fifty shows, so I can really empathize with
(47:19):
people who toured that long. To me, it becomes about
everything is sacrificed. And I don't mean that as like,
oh my god, I'm sacrificing everything is about the craft. So,
for example, when I was on tour last time, my
day would start around two or four pm. For working,
I mean it would start later because I'd start with
(47:40):
a group meditation for people who'd opted in for the
big smaller meditation. I'd start a Q and a session
for that group. Then the show would start like seven
point thirty. So I'd stop eating at midday, and then
i wouldn't eat until midnight.
Speaker 3 (47:53):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (47:53):
And then I'd wake up, jump on a plane, and
go and do it all over again in another place.
And so I never went out a night. I never
went out to a restaurant because I was on vocal rest.
And so to me, the key is for that time,
you've got to be totally zoned in. And I love that.
I really enjoy it. I think about it like an
athlete at the Championships or super Bowl, whatever it is,
(48:14):
where it's like you've just got to be focused on
that one thing and there's a beautiful thing that comes
out of that. You get really in the zone. You
recognize what talents and skills you have, You recognize your
ability to fast that I didn't know I could do
that anymore for that long and so it was just
like a really beautiful reminder to build different muscles, sure,
and build different strengths and find a new sense of confidence.
(48:37):
And so yeah, everyone was like, did you travel to
this place? What did you see? I'm like, I didn't
see it.
Speaker 3 (48:40):
I saw my hotel room.
Speaker 1 (48:41):
Yeah, I saw my hotel room. I saw a plane, sure,
and I saw the venue. And I love that. I
don't have any that's beautiful, Like that's what it's for.
I'm not traveling for pleasure. I'm traveling to serve and
it's really exciting.
Speaker 3 (48:54):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (48:55):
Okay, before we go, I have to ask you, do
you have any guilty pleasures like junk food, move b shows?
Like what it when? You're like, you know what, I'm
gonna treat myself, Like what.
Speaker 1 (49:06):
Do you do? So there's this place in La called
Mister Charlie's. It's basically plant based McDonald's. They do chicken nuggets,
they do a chicken sandwich, it's plant based. The fries
and like, I've now got to once every two weeks.
I need that. Okay, it was once every week, it's
now I've got to once every two weeks. And then
I'm a I love Van Luin because and so my
(49:30):
Van Luin order. My wife believes this should be on
their menu because I have a very specific order. So
I go and get a double chocolate fight brownie scoop
of ice cream with hot fudge on top, with sprinkles,
cookie crumble, honeycomb candy, and I think that's about it.
So those are my two food guilty pleasures I love.
(49:51):
So every two weeks, I'll do that now on one
day together. Yeah, so that day, ignore it. Just don't
talk to Jesse for a week, preturn like it didn't happen. Uh.
And then TV wise, I find like, no, I think
I watched good stuff. I mean like I just watched
Why Lowest, the new episode TV so I love that. Yeah.
(50:14):
This year it used to definitely like at one point
I would never miss an episode of Selling Sunset.
Speaker 3 (50:19):
Wait, I love that, Okay, but I love real.
Speaker 1 (50:22):
Estate, so I would skip. And I was telling Jason open.
I met Jason recently and I was telling him. I
was like, I love Selling Sunset, but I always skipped
to all the homes because I loved season real Estate.
He's like, yeah, that's what every guy says, and so
I was like, all right, Jason, thanks for judging me,
but it's true. So yeah, that's what I love that.
Speaker 2 (50:37):
Okay, Well Van Lewin, if you're listening, we need the
Jay Shetty on them. I know that's crazy that that
hasn't happened yet. Jay, thank you for coming on. This
was so meaningful and I just I think you are
so wise and uh, I love your energy. Where can
people find you? And where can people get tickets for
the tour?
Speaker 1 (50:54):
Yeah, I'd love for people to come see me on tour.
It's Jay Shetty Doped Me Forward Slash Tour. J Shetty
Doped Me Forward Slash Tour. And then you can find
me on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, wherever you watch social and
then on any podcast app I Heart Serious and all
the other ones, Apple, Spotify, everything. So yeah, thanks things,
and honestly, I had such a great time. That was
one of my favorite conversations I've had. And you are
(51:16):
the best and on purposes waiting for you. Thank you
so we look forward to having you on the show
so much. Thanks for listening, guys. Bye. If you love
this episode, you will also love my interview with Kendall
Jenna on setting boundaries to increase happiness and healing. You're
in a child, You.
Speaker 2 (51:33):
Could be reading something that someone is saying about you
and being like, that is so unfair because that's not
who I am and that really gets to me sometimes.
But then looking at myself in the mirror and being like,
but I know who I am.
Speaker 3 (51:43):
Why does anything else matter.
Host
Jay Shetty
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