Today, Jay reflects on the lessons about love he wishes he had known in his twenties. He examines how movies, media, and cultural narratives have long shaped unrealistic expectations about romance, often equating love with grand gestures, nonstop excitement, and fairy tale endings. Jay challenges these ideas, by showing that true love is not constant fireworks, but a balance of peace, stability, and passion. He explains how the thrill is often mistaken for attraction, and how the calm that comes from trust and consistency is actually the real foundation of a healthy relationship, even if often mistaken for boredom.
Jay also explores the critical role of self-awareness and boundaries in fostering meaningful relationships. He discusses how love without boundaries can cause you to lose yourself, and how repeating familiar emotional patterns from the past can keep you stuck in cycles that feel comfortable but are ultimately harmful. Through relatable examples, Jay highlights the importance of defining emotional non-negotiables, paying attention to how a partner handles boredom and conflict, and understanding the influence of attachment styles. Jay emphasizes that successful relationships are not about finding someone perfect, but about choosing a partner who is willing to heal, grow, and face challenges together.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Set Boundaries Without Pushing Love Away
How to Handle Conflict Without Ruining a Relationship
How to Recognize the Difference Between Lust and Love
How to Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
How to Choose Patience and Healing in Relationships
Finding real love isn’t an end goal, it’s an ongoing journey you take with intention, compassion, and patience. It’s something you build over time through quiet moments, healthy boundaries, and a commitment to grow, both on your own and together.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:13 Everything You Need to Know About Love
04:12 #1: Chemistry Does Not Equal Compatibility
09:19 #2: Love Without Boundaries is Self Abandonment
12:25 #3: How They Handle Boredom Tells You Everything
14:25 #4: Conflict Doesn't Ruin Relationships, Avoidance Does
16:44 #5: The Thrill is Temporary, Steady Love is Lasting
20:57 #6: How Does Your Partner's Attachment Style Affect You?
23:01 #7: What Feels Familiar Isn’t Always What’s Right
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Long term love isn't built in highlight reels. It's built
in the quiet moments, because life is about how you
both feel on a Tuesday evening. Life is about how
you feel on a Monday morning before work. Life is
about how you feel coming home to that person on
a Friday night. Life isn't about the vacations. It isn't
(00:22):
about the once a year trips. It isn't about the
wedding day. That's one percent of the experience with this person.
The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sheetty, Jay
Shetty Jet. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm
Jay Chatty, and I am so grateful and so thankful
(00:44):
that you've tuned back in. I love seeing your reviews.
I love seeing your posts. Keep them coming. It fuels me,
It gives me energy. I love bumping into you all
on the street. Always say hi. It's meant the world
to me. I've been traveling a lot lately, so I've
met some of you in Rome, i met some of
you in London, I've met people in Paris all over
(01:04):
the world. So keep telling me that you listen on Purpose.
It makes my day and I love giving you a
big hug. And saying hello back. Today, I want to
talk about something really important. It's everything I wish I
knew about love in my twenties. Now, whether you're in
your twenties, your thirties, your forties, your fifties, all of
these messages still apply, and I want you to take
(01:28):
them in because what I find is that love is
what we all want in life, but it's also the
most misunderstood. It's one of those areas of our life
that we all crave, chase, and need, but don't really
define and understand deeply. And when I look at my life,
I look at how so much of my life around
(01:51):
love was defined by what I saw in the movies,
the media, and how it was presented to me. The
romantic comedies that we watch growing up, the novels, the books,
the stories, the music videos. They all defined. They planted
seeds into our beliefs and expectations about love. When you
(02:12):
watch the Notebook, you see these two people fall in love.
But then when you actually look at it closely, you
see a character hanging off a ferris wheel telling the
girl he will let go if she doesn't say yes.
Extremely unhealthy, right, very very unhealthy. And then when you
(02:34):
start to look at a lot of these movies a
lot more deeply, you start to see so many unhealthy
ideas about love. It's remarkable to me that at the
time we just ignored them, even if you look at
movies of sleeping beauty cartoons where the princes had to
come and save the sleeping beauty, right, the idea of
(02:55):
being saved, the idea of this night in shining armor
to no wonder, that we're waiting for that person to
come through the door and sweep us off our feet.
And then of course every movie ended with happily ever after.
It rarely got into the reality of the fight about
washing the dishes, all the money problems that appear, or
(03:18):
the fact that the kids are now going to school
and how do we want to raise them. All of
that was missed in all the movies because it ended
with a shot of a car driving off into the
sunset and feeling like that was the end and everything
was perfect. So we've been sold lies about love from
dating to moving in to getting married because the marriage
(03:42):
was the end of the movie, when in reality, moving
in and getting married is the beginning of your life together.
So it's fascinating to me that we missed so many ideas,
and therefore I had to make this video about everything
I wish I knew about love earlier, because it would
have made my relationships better, it would have made me
(04:03):
feel less hurt in my life, and it would have
made me expect differently of the people that I was with.
The first one is this chemistry isn't compatibility. Here's the
principle all of us today over index on the value
of chemistry. We believe that if we feel chemistry, this
(04:25):
is our person. This is the one we're meant to
spend the rest of our lives with, and this is
what love is all about. Some of us will miss
out on incredible partners because we didn't feel chemistry on
date one, and some of us will stay with people
that we have amazing chemistry with even though we don't
have anything else. How many of you have stayed in
(04:46):
a relationship whether sex was amazing, even if you didn't
connect on a deeper level. I'm sure there's many of you.
How many of you stayed in a relationship where you
had lots of chemistry even though you secretly worried and
were anxious that that person was cheating on you or
there were other red flags. Chemistry makes you ignore the
(05:09):
things that actually make a relationship healthy, and we miss
out on people who would be amazing partners for us
because we didn't feel chemistry in the beginning. When your
heart races around someone, it's easy to assume it's meant
to be, But research shows we often confuse excitement, anxiety,
(05:31):
or even danger for attraction that spark. Sometimes it's adrenaline.
So here's the takeaway. Feeling drawn to someone doesn't mean
they're right for you. It means your nervous system is activated.
Next time you feel the spark, pause and ask yourself,
(05:52):
do I feel safe or just stimulated. I read a
study that talked about how when we first are attracted
to someone, we experience two things stress and excitement. That's
actually what we experience to be chemistry. So we have
the stress of do they like me? But we have
(06:14):
the excitement of I think I like them. We have
the stress of will I get their number? And then
we have the excitement of I just got their number,
And then we have the stress of, well, what do
I message them? And then we have the excitement of
they just messaged me back, And then we have the
stress of will they message me first, will they ask
me out? But then we have the excitement of we're
(06:35):
going out on a date. And this stress and excitement
is what creates chemistry and this spark. But here's what
happens over time. The stress goes down when you spend
more time with someone, you know they're going to text you,
you know they're going to show up on time. You've
now gone exclusive, you moved in together. So now the
(06:55):
stress goes down, so the excitement doesn't feel as high.
We now confuse that lack of stress as boredom, when
actually it's peace. That's what your nervous system was looking
for anyway. But we confuse inconsistency with excitement and stability
(07:18):
with boredom. We think, if things have become peaceful, we
lost the spark. No, you didn't. You lost the stress.
You weren't stressed out anymore. Are they going to text?
Are they going to show up? Do they like me?
They do text, they do show up, They do like me.
Don't confuse a lack of stress as a lack of spark.
(07:39):
A good relationship is where you feel safe and stimulated.
It's when you feel seen and excited. A healthy relationship
is one way you feel heard without having to shout.
It's one way you feel loved without having to shrink.
(08:00):
It's one where you feel respected in silence, not just
praised in public. It's one where you feel desired for
who you are, not just what you offer. It's a
relationship where you feel pushed to grow, never pressured to perform,
a place where peace isn't boring and passion isn't toxic
(08:22):
because real love doesn't choose between calm and chemistry. It
gives you both a lot of the times, we create
drama in relationships because we're so used to it. We
create problems because we're so used to them. We're not
good at peace because we've never seen that before. And
(08:44):
I wish I knew that in my twenties. I actually
wish I knew that in my teens because I probably
allowed for too much drama or added to it because
I believe that was excitement. We believe that stress is excitement.
And you may say, no, Jay, I don't want stress
in a relationship, want drama? Well, think about it. How
much do you allow to happen to you? How much
(09:05):
do you create yourself? So many of us will spend
years of our life allowing people to bring drama and
trauma into our lives instead of peace because we're more
used to it. Stop doing that. Step Number two, love
without boundaries is self abandonment in your twenties. It's easy
(09:28):
to lose yourself in love, but healthy attachment requires a
strong sense of self. Without boundaries, love turns into people
pleasing and self abandonment. You can't build a we until
you protect yourself. Write a list of three emotional non
(09:50):
negotiables in relationships, things you won't bend on or leave behind,
no matter who they are. How many of you know
someone a friend, of family member maybe, and yourself who
completely alienates and forgets about their friends when they're in
a relationship. Right you completely ignore everyone you have a
message back, You don't go out anymore. You've found your person,
(10:11):
and all of a sudden, when that person breaks up
with you, you now realize you feel alone. You don't
have any friends. How many of you give up all
your hobbies, all your interests, stop working out, you stop
going to the places you love to hanging out because
you have that person. Don't make that person your identity.
Don't make that person your everything. Don't make that person
(10:36):
your only thing, because if you leave them or they
leave you, you feel like you are nothing. You'll feel
like you don't have any value and don't know what
your life's about. Boundaries bring the right people close and
push the wrong ones out. They don't scare away love.
(10:58):
They filter out the norse. They don't create distance. They
reveal who's willing to meet you with respect. The people
who leave when you set boundaries were never here for you,
just your access. The right ones don't get offended, they
get it. Boundaries don't block love, they protect it. I
(11:23):
wish I knew about boundaries a lot earlier, because boundaries
will protect you from causing harm to yourselves. If you
set boundaries about what you're not willing to tolerate, you
won't stick around when people don't respect them. If you
set boundaries that protect what you value, you won't stick
(11:46):
around when people don't change their behavior. Too many of
us accept, tolerate, and allow giving the other person space
to behave with us wrongly because we never said boundary.
I'm sure many of you have been hurt, taken advantage of,
screwed over, and when you look back, you realize that
(12:10):
that person was always showing you who they were, but
you kept allowing them to be that way. It wasn't
your fault, but you allowed it to continue. And that's
what we want to stop. That's what boundaries do. I'm
excited to keep this conversation going, but first, let's take
a short break for our sponsors. We'll be right back.
(12:33):
Welcome back. Now, let's continue this incredible conversation. Step number three,
how they handle boredom tells you everything. We overestimate how
happy certain moments will make us dates, anniversaries, weddings, or
big trips, but what actually predicts long term connection how
(12:55):
you feel on an ordinary Tuesday night together. Long term
love isn't built in highlight reels. It's built in the
quiet moments. Ask yourself, would I still want to be
around this person if nothing exciting ever happened again? Because
life is about how you both feel on a Tuesday evening.
(13:18):
Life is about how you feel on a Monday morning
before work. Life is about how you feel coming home
to that person on a Friday night. Life isn't about
the vacations. It isn't about the once a year trips.
It isn't about the wedding day. That's one percent of
the experience with this person. You want to make sure
(13:38):
that you have something that is good when there's nothing
else exciting going on. An exciting life will cover the
cracks of a bad relationship. A good relationship will make
the exciting moments even better. The exciting moments will feel enhanced,
the trips will feel like an amazing rush. But it
(14:01):
has to be good without all of that. Something I
wish I learned earlier. I always felt like I needed
grand gestures, big dates, exciting moments to make something exciting.
And then I realized, just a great conversation, feeling the
calmness and the peace of my nervous system when I
came home. I feel that every time I see Rather,
even today. We both travel a lot for work. We
(14:22):
both do a lot of exciting things for our work,
but one of our favorite things is just having a routine.
We're five days a week we're spending together, coming home
after a busy day of work and just sitting together
and doing nothing. Just being together can be some of
my best memories. Step number four. Conflict doesn't ruin relationships.
(14:43):
Avoiding it does. I used to think that the best
couples don't fight. I used to think that if I
was in a relationship with someone and we disagreed with
each other, it was the wrong person. I now realize
that relationships are a space for growth, not for comfort.
If relationships are just about comfort, first of all, I
(15:04):
don't know any that are. But if relationships are just
about comfort, then you're not going anywhere. Relationships are meant
to challenge you. They're men to make you grow. They're
men to make you realize how selfish and greedy you are.
The men to make you realize how it's important to
think about someone else. They're men to make you more
emotionally intelligent. Healthy couples don't avoid conflict. They manage it
(15:28):
with repair. Here's the key. For every one negative interaction,
you need five positive ones to stay emotionally connected. How
you fight matters more than how often you fight. So
on your next argument, try this, help me understand what
(15:48):
this brought up for. You asked that, and then actually listen.
Don't defend right. Usually when we fight, which is fighting
for what our parents did, which is fighting for what's
some old belief says. I used to think love means
you don't fight. Now I know it means you know
(16:08):
how to repair. I used to think love was proven
by grand gestures. Now I know it's built in the small,
consistent ones. I used to think love meant never needing space.
Now I know it's respecting someone enough to give it
to them. I used to think love was about never changing.
(16:33):
Now I know it's about growing and still choosing each other.
I used to think love should always feel easy, Now
I know the real kind is chosen, especially when it's not.
I used to think love was how loud they said it.
(16:53):
Now I know it's how clearly they show it. Number
five last is loud, but real love is often quiet.
Here's the thing. Your brain craves novelty. That's why new
relationships feel addicting. But over time the dopamine fades, and
(17:13):
people mistake that for love fading. What you're really seeing
is your brain adjusting. So here's the takeaway. The high
of lust wears off, but emotional security is a slow
burn track connection, not just attraction. Ask weekly and monthly
(17:34):
do I feel more seen or more ignored? Over time?
Do I feel safe? Or do I just feel stimulated?
If they only excite you, it's chemistry. If they calm
your nervous system. Its care. If they make your heart
race but never your mind rest, that's adrenaline, not alignment.
(17:58):
If you're always guessing, it's not passion. It's emotional confusion.
If you feel seen only when you're perfect, that's performance,
not partnership. If they hype your highs but disappear in
your lows, that's entertainment, not commitment. Real love isn't just sparked,
(18:20):
it's steadiness. It's the one who brings peace to your chaos,
not more chaos to your peace. It's the one who
regulates your nervous system, not constantly triggers it. Because safety
doesn't kill connection, it deepens it. And by the way,
you have to do all of this back. I think
when we talk about love, we all talk about it
(18:42):
like what's someone doing for me? Is that person got
red flags? What are they doing for me? What should
they be doing for me? What are you doing for them?
This is a really important thing to talk about. What
are you doing for them? Are you also doing it back?
And what I'm also going to add is no one
is perfect when you meet them. No one is going
to be the perfect partner for you. The day you
(19:05):
meet them. It is the choice you both make every day,
every week, every month, every year to become more of
that person, to heal independently, to heal together, to connect more.
A relationship is one where you're both willing to give
each other patience to grow yourself and commit to growing together.
(19:27):
That's a relationship. Here's how it goes in reality. You'll
meet people who don't know how to listen. Are you
patient enough to wait for them to learn? And do
they want to learn for you? You'll date people who
aren't emotionally intelligent or don't know how to convey their emotions.
Are you willing to wait? And are they willing to learn?
(19:50):
You'll meet people that feel you have a lot of baggage.
Are they willing to wait for you? And are you
willing to heal? Those are the only two questions. There's
not going to be this perfect person who already speaks
your language, who's already perfectly emotionally intelligent, who's already therapized
and perfect and healed from every piece of baggage they have.
(20:11):
It's the relationship that does that, That is part of
the therapy, that is part of the healing. The only
two questions that make a relationship successful. Are you willing
to wait? Are they willing to heal? Are they willing
to wait? Are you willing to heal? A relationship, a
healthy one is where you're both patient while the other
(20:32):
person heals, and you're both healing while the other person
is patient. You're doing the work while they wait for you,
and they're doing the work while you wait for them.
That's what a real relationship looks like. I used to
believe you're going to meet someone who's perfectly formed, perfectly healed,
(20:54):
already enlightened, already emotionally intelligent, and now we're just going
to get each other. That is the biggest mistake you
can make, especially if you're in a spiritual community where
you just assume everyone knows all of this. They don't,
and neither do you. Number six, Their attachment style will
affect yours. You're not immune to your partner's patterns. A
(21:18):
secure person can bring safety, an avoidant one can make
you anxious, even if you weren't before. Our styles adapt
to the emotional environment we're in. Who you choose will
either soothe your nervous system or stir your survival instinct.
Now neither is good. Or bad, because one could challenge
(21:39):
you to grow. But it's important that you observe. Do
I feel more regulated or more reactive around them? Your
body knows before your brain does. The way they were
loved will shape how they love you. The way they
were cared for will shape how they care for you.
(22:00):
If they were taught love is earned, they might make
you prove yourself. If they were taught love was unpredictable,
they might test your consistency. If they were never heard,
they might not know how to listen. If they were
never held, they might not know how to stay. People
(22:22):
love through the lens of what they've survived. Not all
distance is disinterest. You're not always being judged, you're sometimes
being misunderstood. You're not responsible for their past, but you
are responsible for how you protect your heart in the present.
(22:42):
Because their wounds aren't your fault, but their healing shouldn't
cost your peace. A real relationship is where we're willing
to commit to do that healing work together. We are
going to walk in with different backgrounds, different walks of life,
different parenting. That's not an issue. If you try and
find someone who's exactly like you or compliments you perfectly
(23:06):
chances are you'll be looking forever. It's someone that is
really there to do the work with you that makes
all the difference. Number seven, Your standards are shaped by
what you've repeated, not what you deserve. You tend to
fall for what feels familiar, not what's healthy. If chaos
or consistency was your normal growing up, love without drama
(23:31):
might feel boring. But familiarity isn't the same as alignment.
Here's the takeaway. Just because it feels familiar doesn't mean
it's right. List the top three emotional patterns you keep
repeating in relationships, then ask who taught me that was normal.
Sometimes what feels like love is just a well rehearsed wound.
(23:56):
It's the chaos that feels familiar, the inconsistent see that
feels normal, the emotional unavailability that feels like a challenge
you need to earn. You think you're drawn to them,
but really you're drawn to what you've been conditioned to survive.
You call it chemistry, but your nervous system calls it danger.
(24:19):
It already knows how to handle. You think it's love
because it hurts the same way you were first hurt.
That's not love. It's memory. That's not a connection, it's
a loop or a bad habit. How do we break
that loop? So name the pattern, ask yourself, what does
(24:40):
this feel like that I've felt before? Clarity is the
first break in the cycle. Then interrupt the autopilot when
someone triggers that familiar spark, pause and ask yourself is
this healthy or just familiar? And also ask yourself, do
I need to become healthier? Because sometimes we don't like
(25:03):
something it doesn't feel healthy because it actually challenges us
to grow. That's not a bad thing in a relationship.
I've found some of the best things in my relationship
is when I was challenged to grow by things that
I thought were unhealthy, and actually what it was requiring
is more growth from me. Sometimes when something's unhealthy in
a relationship, we think it's because that person's needs to grow,
(25:25):
when actually it could be that you need to grow.
Step number three of that redefine love in your language.
Write down what love isn't. Then define what you want
it to feel like, and by the way you should
do this together. Do you both see love as safety,
do you both see love as being seen? Are your
expectations actually aligned? And finally, give yourself what you keep chasing,
(25:51):
the validation, the presence, the approval. Give it to yourself
daily so you don't bargain for it in someone else's hands.
Here's my final thought. Most people chase love based on
what they felt, not what they understood. But when you
combine heart with science, emotion with self awareness, and attraction
(26:13):
with alignment, you stop chasing fireworks and start building a
real life. Thank you so much for listening to today.
I hope this episode helps you. It took me a
long time to learn these lessons and trying to share
them with you in a really succinct, powerful way. Let
me know what connected with you. Tag me in those
(26:33):
stories and reels and tiktoks, and I'll see you again soon.
Make sure you subscribe and don't miss out. I'll see
you back here on on purpose. If you love this episode,
you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on
how to get over your ex and find true love
in your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves that
extend that compassion to your future self, because truly extending
(26:58):
your compassion to your future is doing something that gives
him or her a shot at a happy in a
peaceful life,
Long term love isn't built in highlight reels. It's built
in the quiet moments, because life is about how you
both feel on a Tuesday evening. Life is about how
you feel on a Monday morning before work. Life is
about how you feel coming home to that person on
a Friday night. Life isn't about the vacations. It isn't
(00:22):
about the once a year trips. It isn't about the
wedding day. That's one percent of the experience with this person.
The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sheetty, Jay
Shetty Jet. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm
Jay Chatty, and I am so grateful and so thankful
(00:44):
that you've tuned back in. I love seeing your reviews.
I love seeing your posts. Keep them coming. It fuels me,
It gives me energy. I love bumping into you all
on the street. Always say hi. It's meant the world
to me. I've been traveling a lot lately, so I've
met some of you in Rome, i met some of
you in London, I've met people in Paris all over
(01:04):
the world. So keep telling me that you listen on Purpose.
It makes my day and I love giving you a
big hug. And saying hello back. Today, I want to
talk about something really important. It's everything I wish I
knew about love in my twenties. Now, whether you're in
your twenties, your thirties, your forties, your fifties, all of
these messages still apply, and I want you to take
(01:28):
them in because what I find is that love is
what we all want in life, but it's also the
most misunderstood. It's one of those areas of our life
that we all crave, chase, and need, but don't really
define and understand deeply. And when I look at my life,
I look at how so much of my life around
(01:51):
love was defined by what I saw in the movies,
the media, and how it was presented to me. The
romantic comedies that we watch growing up, the novels, the books,
the stories, the music videos. They all defined. They planted
seeds into our beliefs and expectations about love. When you
(02:12):
watch the Notebook, you see these two people fall in love.
But then when you actually look at it closely, you
see a character hanging off a ferris wheel telling the
girl he will let go if she doesn't say yes.
Extremely unhealthy, right, very very unhealthy. And then when you
(02:34):
start to look at a lot of these movies a
lot more deeply, you start to see so many unhealthy
ideas about love. It's remarkable to me that at the
time we just ignored them, even if you look at
movies of sleeping beauty cartoons where the princes had to
come and save the sleeping beauty, right, the idea of
(02:55):
being saved, the idea of this night in shining armor
to no wonder, that we're waiting for that person to
come through the door and sweep us off our feet.
And then of course every movie ended with happily ever after.
It rarely got into the reality of the fight about
washing the dishes, all the money problems that appear, or
(03:18):
the fact that the kids are now going to school
and how do we want to raise them. All of
that was missed in all the movies because it ended
with a shot of a car driving off into the
sunset and feeling like that was the end and everything
was perfect. So we've been sold lies about love from
dating to moving in to getting married because the marriage
(03:42):
was the end of the movie, when in reality, moving
in and getting married is the beginning of your life together.
So it's fascinating to me that we missed so many ideas,
and therefore I had to make this video about everything
I wish I knew about love earlier, because it would
have made my relationships better, it would have made me
(04:03):
feel less hurt in my life, and it would have
made me expect differently of the people that I was with.
The first one is this chemistry isn't compatibility. Here's the
principle all of us today over index on the value
of chemistry. We believe that if we feel chemistry, this
(04:25):
is our person. This is the one we're meant to
spend the rest of our lives with, and this is
what love is all about. Some of us will miss
out on incredible partners because we didn't feel chemistry on
date one, and some of us will stay with people
that we have amazing chemistry with even though we don't
have anything else. How many of you have stayed in
(04:46):
a relationship whether sex was amazing, even if you didn't
connect on a deeper level. I'm sure there's many of you.
How many of you stayed in a relationship where you
had lots of chemistry even though you secretly worried and
were anxious that that person was cheating on you or
there were other red flags. Chemistry makes you ignore the
(05:09):
things that actually make a relationship healthy, and we miss
out on people who would be amazing partners for us
because we didn't feel chemistry in the beginning. When your
heart races around someone, it's easy to assume it's meant
to be, But research shows we often confuse excitement, anxiety,
(05:31):
or even danger for attraction that spark. Sometimes it's adrenaline.
So here's the takeaway. Feeling drawn to someone doesn't mean
they're right for you. It means your nervous system is activated.
Next time you feel the spark, pause and ask yourself,
(05:52):
do I feel safe or just stimulated. I read a
study that talked about how when we first are attracted
to someone, we experience two things stress and excitement. That's
actually what we experience to be chemistry. So we have
the stress of do they like me? But we have
(06:14):
the excitement of I think I like them. We have
the stress of will I get their number? And then
we have the excitement of I just got their number,
And then we have the stress of, well, what do
I message them? And then we have the excitement of
they just messaged me back, And then we have the
stress of will they message me first, will they ask
me out? But then we have the excitement of we're
(06:35):
going out on a date. And this stress and excitement
is what creates chemistry and this spark. But here's what
happens over time. The stress goes down when you spend
more time with someone, you know they're going to text you,
you know they're going to show up on time. You've
now gone exclusive, you moved in together. So now the
(06:55):
stress goes down, so the excitement doesn't feel as high.
We now confuse that lack of stress as boredom, when
actually it's peace. That's what your nervous system was looking
for anyway. But we confuse inconsistency with excitement and stability
(07:18):
with boredom. We think, if things have become peaceful, we
lost the spark. No, you didn't. You lost the stress.
You weren't stressed out anymore. Are they going to text?
Are they going to show up? Do they like me?
They do text, they do show up, They do like me.
Don't confuse a lack of stress as a lack of spark.
(07:39):
A good relationship is where you feel safe and stimulated.
It's when you feel seen and excited. A healthy relationship
is one way you feel heard without having to shout.
It's one way you feel loved without having to shrink.
(08:00):
It's one where you feel respected in silence, not just
praised in public. It's one where you feel desired for
who you are, not just what you offer. It's a
relationship where you feel pushed to grow, never pressured to perform,
a place where peace isn't boring and passion isn't toxic
(08:22):
because real love doesn't choose between calm and chemistry. It
gives you both a lot of the times, we create
drama in relationships because we're so used to it. We
create problems because we're so used to them. We're not
good at peace because we've never seen that before. And
(08:44):
I wish I knew that in my twenties. I actually
wish I knew that in my teens because I probably
allowed for too much drama or added to it because
I believe that was excitement. We believe that stress is excitement.
And you may say, no, Jay, I don't want stress
in a relationship, want drama? Well, think about it. How
much do you allow to happen to you? How much
(09:05):
do you create yourself? So many of us will spend
years of our life allowing people to bring drama and
trauma into our lives instead of peace because we're more
used to it. Stop doing that. Step Number two, love
without boundaries is self abandonment in your twenties. It's easy
(09:28):
to lose yourself in love, but healthy attachment requires a
strong sense of self. Without boundaries, love turns into people
pleasing and self abandonment. You can't build a we until
you protect yourself. Write a list of three emotional non
(09:50):
negotiables in relationships, things you won't bend on or leave behind,
no matter who they are. How many of you know
someone a friend, of family member maybe, and yourself who
completely alienates and forgets about their friends when they're in
a relationship. Right you completely ignore everyone you have a
message back, You don't go out anymore. You've found your person,
(10:11):
and all of a sudden, when that person breaks up
with you, you now realize you feel alone. You don't
have any friends. How many of you give up all
your hobbies, all your interests, stop working out, you stop
going to the places you love to hanging out because
you have that person. Don't make that person your identity.
Don't make that person your everything. Don't make that person
(10:36):
your only thing, because if you leave them or they
leave you, you feel like you are nothing. You'll feel
like you don't have any value and don't know what
your life's about. Boundaries bring the right people close and
push the wrong ones out. They don't scare away love.
(10:58):
They filter out the norse. They don't create distance. They
reveal who's willing to meet you with respect. The people
who leave when you set boundaries were never here for you,
just your access. The right ones don't get offended, they
get it. Boundaries don't block love, they protect it. I
(11:23):
wish I knew about boundaries a lot earlier, because boundaries
will protect you from causing harm to yourselves. If you
set boundaries about what you're not willing to tolerate, you
won't stick around when people don't respect them. If you
set boundaries that protect what you value, you won't stick
(11:46):
around when people don't change their behavior. Too many of
us accept, tolerate, and allow giving the other person space
to behave with us wrongly because we never said boundary.
I'm sure many of you have been hurt, taken advantage of,
screwed over, and when you look back, you realize that
(12:10):
that person was always showing you who they were, but
you kept allowing them to be that way. It wasn't
your fault, but you allowed it to continue. And that's
what we want to stop. That's what boundaries do. I'm
excited to keep this conversation going, but first, let's take
a short break for our sponsors. We'll be right back.
(12:33):
Welcome back. Now, let's continue this incredible conversation. Step number three,
how they handle boredom tells you everything. We overestimate how
happy certain moments will make us dates, anniversaries, weddings, or
big trips, but what actually predicts long term connection how
(12:55):
you feel on an ordinary Tuesday night together. Long term
love isn't built in highlight reels. It's built in the
quiet moments. Ask yourself, would I still want to be
around this person if nothing exciting ever happened again? Because
life is about how you both feel on a Tuesday evening.
(13:18):
Life is about how you feel on a Monday morning
before work. Life is about how you feel coming home
to that person on a Friday night. Life isn't about
the vacations. It isn't about the once a year trips.
It isn't about the wedding day. That's one percent of
the experience with this person. You want to make sure
(13:38):
that you have something that is good when there's nothing
else exciting going on. An exciting life will cover the
cracks of a bad relationship. A good relationship will make
the exciting moments even better. The exciting moments will feel enhanced,
the trips will feel like an amazing rush. But it
(14:01):
has to be good without all of that. Something I
wish I learned earlier. I always felt like I needed
grand gestures, big dates, exciting moments to make something exciting.
And then I realized, just a great conversation, feeling the
calmness and the peace of my nervous system when I
came home. I feel that every time I see Rather,
even today. We both travel a lot for work. We
(14:22):
both do a lot of exciting things for our work,
but one of our favorite things is just having a routine.
We're five days a week we're spending together, coming home
after a busy day of work and just sitting together
and doing nothing. Just being together can be some of
my best memories. Step number four. Conflict doesn't ruin relationships.
(14:43):
Avoiding it does. I used to think that the best
couples don't fight. I used to think that if I
was in a relationship with someone and we disagreed with
each other, it was the wrong person. I now realize
that relationships are a space for growth, not for comfort.
If relationships are just about comfort, first of all, I
(15:04):
don't know any that are. But if relationships are just
about comfort, then you're not going anywhere. Relationships are meant
to challenge you. They're men to make you grow. They're
men to make you realize how selfish and greedy you are.
The men to make you realize how it's important to
think about someone else. They're men to make you more
emotionally intelligent. Healthy couples don't avoid conflict. They manage it
(15:28):
with repair. Here's the key. For every one negative interaction,
you need five positive ones to stay emotionally connected. How
you fight matters more than how often you fight. So
on your next argument, try this, help me understand what
(15:48):
this brought up for. You asked that, and then actually listen.
Don't defend right. Usually when we fight, which is fighting
for what our parents did, which is fighting for what's
some old belief says. I used to think love means
you don't fight. Now I know it means you know
(16:08):
how to repair. I used to think love was proven
by grand gestures. Now I know it's built in the small,
consistent ones. I used to think love meant never needing space.
Now I know it's respecting someone enough to give it
to them. I used to think love was about never changing.
(16:33):
Now I know it's about growing and still choosing each other.
I used to think love should always feel easy, Now
I know the real kind is chosen, especially when it's not.
I used to think love was how loud they said it.
(16:53):
Now I know it's how clearly they show it. Number
five last is loud, but real love is often quiet.
Here's the thing. Your brain craves novelty. That's why new
relationships feel addicting. But over time the dopamine fades, and
(17:13):
people mistake that for love fading. What you're really seeing
is your brain adjusting. So here's the takeaway. The high
of lust wears off, but emotional security is a slow
burn track connection, not just attraction. Ask weekly and monthly
(17:34):
do I feel more seen or more ignored? Over time?
Do I feel safe? Or do I just feel stimulated?
If they only excite you, it's chemistry. If they calm
your nervous system. Its care. If they make your heart
race but never your mind rest, that's adrenaline, not alignment.
(17:58):
If you're always guessing, it's not passion. It's emotional confusion.
If you feel seen only when you're perfect, that's performance,
not partnership. If they hype your highs but disappear in
your lows, that's entertainment, not commitment. Real love isn't just sparked,
(18:20):
it's steadiness. It's the one who brings peace to your chaos,
not more chaos to your peace. It's the one who
regulates your nervous system, not constantly triggers it. Because safety
doesn't kill connection, it deepens it. And by the way,
you have to do all of this back. I think
when we talk about love, we all talk about it
(18:42):
like what's someone doing for me? Is that person got
red flags? What are they doing for me? What should
they be doing for me? What are you doing for them?
This is a really important thing to talk about. What
are you doing for them? Are you also doing it back?
And what I'm also going to add is no one
is perfect when you meet them. No one is going
to be the perfect partner for you. The day you
(19:05):
meet them. It is the choice you both make every day,
every week, every month, every year to become more of
that person, to heal independently, to heal together, to connect more.
A relationship is one where you're both willing to give
each other patience to grow yourself and commit to growing together.
(19:27):
That's a relationship. Here's how it goes in reality. You'll
meet people who don't know how to listen. Are you
patient enough to wait for them to learn? And do
they want to learn for you? You'll date people who
aren't emotionally intelligent or don't know how to convey their emotions.
Are you willing to wait? And are they willing to learn?
(19:50):
You'll meet people that feel you have a lot of baggage.
Are they willing to wait for you? And are you
willing to heal? Those are the only two questions. There's
not going to be this perfect person who already speaks
your language, who's already perfectly emotionally intelligent, who's already therapized
and perfect and healed from every piece of baggage they have.
(20:11):
It's the relationship that does that, That is part of
the therapy, that is part of the healing. The only
two questions that make a relationship successful. Are you willing
to wait? Are they willing to heal? Are they willing
to wait? Are you willing to heal? A relationship, a
healthy one is where you're both patient while the other
(20:32):
person heals, and you're both healing while the other person
is patient. You're doing the work while they wait for you,
and they're doing the work while you wait for them.
That's what a real relationship looks like. I used to
believe you're going to meet someone who's perfectly formed, perfectly healed,
(20:54):
already enlightened, already emotionally intelligent, and now we're just going
to get each other. That is the biggest mistake you
can make, especially if you're in a spiritual community where
you just assume everyone knows all of this. They don't,
and neither do you. Number six, Their attachment style will
affect yours. You're not immune to your partner's patterns. A
(21:18):
secure person can bring safety, an avoidant one can make
you anxious, even if you weren't before. Our styles adapt
to the emotional environment we're in. Who you choose will
either soothe your nervous system or stir your survival instinct.
Now neither is good. Or bad, because one could challenge
(21:39):
you to grow. But it's important that you observe. Do
I feel more regulated or more reactive around them? Your
body knows before your brain does. The way they were
loved will shape how they love you. The way they
were cared for will shape how they care for you.
(22:00):
If they were taught love is earned, they might make
you prove yourself. If they were taught love was unpredictable,
they might test your consistency. If they were never heard,
they might not know how to listen. If they were
never held, they might not know how to stay. People
(22:22):
love through the lens of what they've survived. Not all
distance is disinterest. You're not always being judged, you're sometimes
being misunderstood. You're not responsible for their past, but you
are responsible for how you protect your heart in the present.
(22:42):
Because their wounds aren't your fault, but their healing shouldn't
cost your peace. A real relationship is where we're willing
to commit to do that healing work together. We are
going to walk in with different backgrounds, different walks of life,
different parenting. That's not an issue. If you try and
find someone who's exactly like you or compliments you perfectly
(23:06):
chances are you'll be looking forever. It's someone that is
really there to do the work with you that makes
all the difference. Number seven, Your standards are shaped by
what you've repeated, not what you deserve. You tend to
fall for what feels familiar, not what's healthy. If chaos
or consistency was your normal growing up, love without drama
(23:31):
might feel boring. But familiarity isn't the same as alignment.
Here's the takeaway. Just because it feels familiar doesn't mean
it's right. List the top three emotional patterns you keep
repeating in relationships, then ask who taught me that was normal.
Sometimes what feels like love is just a well rehearsed wound.
(23:56):
It's the chaos that feels familiar, the inconsistent see that
feels normal, the emotional unavailability that feels like a challenge
you need to earn. You think you're drawn to them,
but really you're drawn to what you've been conditioned to survive.
You call it chemistry, but your nervous system calls it danger.
(24:19):
It already knows how to handle. You think it's love
because it hurts the same way you were first hurt.
That's not love. It's memory. That's not a connection, it's
a loop or a bad habit. How do we break
that loop? So name the pattern, ask yourself, what does
(24:40):
this feel like that I've felt before? Clarity is the
first break in the cycle. Then interrupt the autopilot when
someone triggers that familiar spark, pause and ask yourself is
this healthy or just familiar? And also ask yourself, do
I need to become healthier? Because sometimes we don't like
(25:03):
something it doesn't feel healthy because it actually challenges us
to grow. That's not a bad thing in a relationship.
I've found some of the best things in my relationship
is when I was challenged to grow by things that
I thought were unhealthy, and actually what it was requiring
is more growth from me. Sometimes when something's unhealthy in
a relationship, we think it's because that person's needs to grow,
(25:25):
when actually it could be that you need to grow.
Step number three of that redefine love in your language.
Write down what love isn't. Then define what you want
it to feel like, and by the way you should
do this together. Do you both see love as safety,
do you both see love as being seen? Are your
expectations actually aligned? And finally, give yourself what you keep chasing,
(25:51):
the validation, the presence, the approval. Give it to yourself
daily so you don't bargain for it in someone else's hands.
Here's my final thought. Most people chase love based on
what they felt, not what they understood. But when you
combine heart with science, emotion with self awareness, and attraction
(26:13):
with alignment, you stop chasing fireworks and start building a
real life. Thank you so much for listening to today.
I hope this episode helps you. It took me a
long time to learn these lessons and trying to share
them with you in a really succinct, powerful way. Let
me know what connected with you. Tag me in those
(26:33):
stories and reels and tiktoks, and I'll see you again soon.
Make sure you subscribe and don't miss out. I'll see
you back here on on purpose. If you love this episode,
you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on
how to get over your ex and find true love
in your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves that
extend that compassion to your future self, because truly extending
(26:58):
your compassion to your future is doing something that gives
him or her a shot at a happy in a
peaceful life,
Host
Jay Shetty
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