Taylor Hill: How to Navigate Emotional Challenges & Ways to Practice Gratitude in Lifes’ Unexpected Hard Times

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
And I tried out for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.
I wanted to try out and I wanted to do this,
so I went and I auditioned for it, and when
I booked it, I was shocked. She's made a huge
splash in the fashion industry. Toy's Secret Angel Taylor.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
Him, let's talk about the grief of losing a friend.

Speaker 1 (00:19):
I'm looking at him and I'm asking him, like you,
if you need to go, wait, please let me know.

Speaker 2 (00:24):
I will let you go. Hey, everyone, I've got some
huge news to share with you. In the last ninety days,
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viewers and listeners that are not subscribed to this channel.
There's research that shows that if you want to create

(00:45):
a habit, make it easy to access. By hitting the
subscribe button, you're creating a habit of learning how to
be happier, healthier, and more healed. This would also mean
the absolute world to me and help us make bet
that's a bigger, brighter content for you and the world.

Speaker 3 (01:03):
Subscribe right now.

Speaker 1 (01:05):
The number one health and wellness.

Speaker 2 (01:06):
Podcast, Jay said, Jay Sheidy s set Hey everyone, welcome
back to On Purpose, the number one health and Ononness
podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one
of you that come back every week to listen, learn
and grow. Now you know, our mission here is to
help the world, help you become happier, healthier, and more healed.

(01:29):
And the way we do that is by trying to
introduce you to people who can help you foreseen heard
and understood. And I want you to be able to
relate to the experiences, the challenges, the journeys that our
audience and our guests go on. And today I'm so excited,
I'm so grateful, and I'm really honored to be having
this conversation.

Speaker 3 (01:48):
I've been really looking forward to this.

Speaker 2 (01:50):
I've been speaking to so many friends who've been going
through different challenges, and I really believe that this episode
is going to be a powerful and empowering one for
each and every one of you. Today's guest is Taylor Hill, supermodel,
content creator, actor, and philanthropist. Taylor was discovered at the
age of fourteen, and Taylor's worked with fashion houses and
luxury brands around the world and grace the covers of

(02:13):
many of the biggest fashion magazines, including Vogue and many
many more. Taylor's life was forever changed when she became
mom to her late labradoodle Tate. Their special bond together
inspired Taylor to create Tit and Taylor, a rapidly growing
media content platform and community for pets and their humans. Today,

(02:33):
we dive into Tate and Taylor's story. Please welcome to
the show, Taylor Hill. Hello, Taylor, thank you for being here.

Speaker 1 (02:42):
Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited.

Speaker 2 (02:44):
I'm so honestly grateful to have you here. And even
the few moments we've probably spent ately about half an
hour chatting, even before we started recording, and in that moment,
I can already tell I completely am n sync with
your energy, and oh thank it's been so wonderful spending
this time with you.

Speaker 1 (02:59):
Already, I'm so excited. I'm also kind of nervous. I mean,
this is only, I think, like my second podcast I've
ever done. So I'm happy that, you know, I get
to be here and I get to talk to you.
You're amazing and I've obviously listened before, and it's a
special it's a special listen, So thanks for letting me
come and talk.

Speaker 2 (03:19):
No, well, thank you for trusting us, and thank you
for being here. But let's dive straight into it. I
want to ask you. I feel like you're someone who's
had such an iconic career. You are extremely well known,
You're brilliant and one of the best at what you
do across the world, yet we may not know so

(03:41):
much about you, and that I had so much curiosity
when your name came up and I was like, yeah,
I know exactly what that is, but I want to learn,
and so I want to start asking you. What would
you say is your earliest childhood memory that you feel
has defined who you are today.

Speaker 1 (03:57):
My first memory ever is my I think it was
my third birthday party. So I was born in Chicago
and I lived there until I was probably about five
years old, and then I moved to Colorado, and that's
like my home and where I am from in my head,
because I don't really remember Chicago, but I remember being

(04:19):
in our backyard there and we had this little red
house and it was my birthday party and all of
the kids in our neighborhood were over and we were
having a party and I had a pink Barbie cake
and I specifically remember the candle was Barbie like. It
was a very intricate candle. And everyone's singing Happy Birthday,

(04:42):
and then I'm supposed to blow out the candles and
then my friend he blew the candles out before I could,
and I got so upset, and I was very emotional
and I was like kind of crying and I got
so mad, and I was like, why would you do that?
Oh my gosh, I was supposed to do that. And
then my mom's like, it's okay, we can you know,
we'll light the candle again and then you can blow
out the candle. And I was like, well, it's not

(05:03):
the same. He took my wish like. I was heartbroken.
And I think if that says anything about me, it's
just that I'm very emotional and I just sometimes when
people do things that aren't so nice to others, I
sometimes don't understand. I'm like, why why did you do that?
So that's one of my very first first memories. But

(05:27):
I think something that kind of helped like maybe define
who I was when from a child I would say
is sports. I was a gymnast from when I was nine,
I did ballet from when I was six, and then
I grew up snowboarding, and I think for me being

(05:50):
athletic and being active really helped shape who I am
because I've been you know, I've been modeling for fourteen years.
I was scouted at fourteen. And I love my job
and I love working and I have such a passion
and a drive for it. And I think I have
such a drive because of being in sports my whole

(06:11):
life and honestly being a gymnast. Not a very good gymnast,
but I loved it. I had so much fun doing it,
even though I wasn't. My mom's like this girl, she's
not going to the Olympics. That was understood, but you know,
she encouraged me to do it anyway, and she knew
I had fun. And you know, it gives you sort
of this sense of structure, and you know, healthy competition

(06:34):
is always a little bit nice. And I love the
sport of gymnastics because it's very demanding in a sense
and it challenges you to always be better.

Speaker 2 (06:44):
You know.

Speaker 1 (06:44):
The sort of motto of gymnastics, or what my perception
of it was from doing is, you know, strive to
be better, strive for perfection, perfect ten, all that stuff.
You'll never get there. You'll never both. Some people do,
but I was never going to be a perfect ten
let's be hones. But you know, having the drive to
like always do better always, you know, perfect this trick,

(07:05):
perfect that flip, do this, do that, and you know,
push myself it was, and push myself in something I
enjoyed doing kind of gave me the I have a
similar headspace and my modeling career just because I love
doing it and I love my job and I just
want to, like, I just want to keep doing it,
you know. So I think that's two things about me.

Speaker 2 (07:27):
Yeah, those are great answers. Are you do you still
know the person who blew that candle out?

Speaker 1 (07:31):
I do, Yes, I do. I I hadn't seen I
haven't seen him in forever. But I did go back
home to my where I was born a couple times,
like throughout my childhood. My my godparents and my my
mom and dad's best friends. They still lived there and
their children were our childhood best friends. So we would
spend summers together and everything, and some summers I would

(07:54):
go back to Chicago and like see them and all that,
and see the kids in the neighborhood. So I did
see this boy multiple times, and he was a really
good friend. It was very innocent. You know, we were
only maybe three years old, so he didn't know what
he was doing either, But I just didn't understand.

Speaker 2 (08:09):
Does he realize now what a big moment?

Speaker 1 (08:11):
He probably doesn't even remember that he did that, but
I do, yea, And he probably doesn't even know what
I'm talking about him. But I'm not going to say
his name before.

Speaker 2 (08:20):
Well, how was that like when the Bobbie movie came out?
Was that like as Bobby always remained idol in your
life since that day?

Speaker 3 (08:26):
Or not? Really?

Speaker 1 (08:26):
You know, I loved I loved Barbie. I have two sisters,
and I actually have three siblings, So I have an
older sister, a younger sister, and a younger brother. And
we're all very close in age. We're all about, you know,
roughly one year apart from each other. So growing up,
we loved playing dress up. We loved Barbie, We loved toys.
We loved you know, Polly Pockets, we loved Little My

(08:49):
Little Pet Shop. You know, we had all of those things.
We loved all of that. And I loved the Barbie movie.
I thought it was great, and I thought it was
really profound, and it touched on a lot of things
in a really interesting and kind of a lighthearted way.
So yeah, I had a childhood connection to Barbie for sure,
So I loved her. And then the candle was blown out.

(09:10):
I was I was like, how could you do that?

Speaker 2 (09:13):
I can see it still affects you still. What was
it like, you said, of course you got scouted at fourteen?
What was it like? You have siblings? I'm assuming they
weren't all working at fourteen, and so when you start
working at fourteen, which is a very young age, First
of all, what does working at fourteen as a model
look like? Like? What are the hours, what are the commitments?

(09:35):
Do you drop out of school? And then how do
your siblings react to it?

Speaker 3 (09:39):
How do your parents react to it? Like what does
it look like?

Speaker 2 (09:41):
Because I feel, yeah, they're not working, they're not getting paid,
they're not traveling.

Speaker 1 (09:46):
Yeah, it was interesting. I mean, so my mom was
a hairdresser, so she worked in a salon and cut hair,
and you know, after having all four of us, she
obviously was like, I can't stand on my feet all
day and take care of four young children under the
age of five, So we're not going to do that anymore.
And she became a stay at home mother, which I'm

(10:08):
so grateful to have had my mom. And that's a
that's a job, it's work, and she was amazing at it.
And you know, when I was scouted and I started
traveling and you know, working as a model, it meant that,
you know, I went to New York, I signed with
IMG when I was fourteen, and from there I went everywhere.
You know, I traveled the world that you know, fourteen

(10:29):
years old, and my mom came with me everywhere I went.
You know, I did Paris Fashion Weeks, I did New
York Fashion Week. I went to Australia and I lived
there for a month or two. You know, milan all
those spaces, and she came with me everywhere. And I
definitely wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for
my mom and her support. And I know it was

(10:49):
a difficult thing for even her to navigate. She had
three other children at home, and you know, we were
all trying to figure out how we were going to
do this. My grandpa was a huge hell he you know,
would come with me places as well, and he would
live with me places. He lived with me in La
for a bit. He traveled with me. And then when
my older sister was eighteen. She would travel with me

(11:12):
and she would live with me, which wasn't much help
because she was eighteen and I was seventeen, so you
can imagine how fun that was for us to do.
But you know, my mom always wanted to make sure
I had somebody with me who was just like another
set of eyes making sure I was good and I,
you know, I I could take care of myself, and
she made sure to teach me how to you know,
read signs in an airport and this is what this means,

(11:34):
this is how you get to your gate, and this
is how you do this, and you know, don't take
a car ride from a stranger, you know. So she
was really really good at making sure I was able
to do all of that. And then my siblings, you know,
I think it was really we just didn't know. You know,
you don't know what you don't know, and I think
we didn't really know any better than it better. And

(11:55):
it was like, oh, well, this is Taylor's doing this,
so this is what she does now. And they were
you know, nothing changed I think for them because they
didn't never see me differently. They were just like, well,
Taylor goes to work instead of goes to school, so whatever,
you know. And I think because we were all a
similar age, they did have an understanding of what I

(12:16):
was doing.

Speaker 2 (12:17):
You know.

Speaker 1 (12:17):
It's not like they were you know, really young and
didn't get it or much older than me and didn't
understand why I didn't want to go to school or
didn't go back to college and stuff. They were kind
of you know, accepting of it. And my older sister
now is a photographer and a content creator herself, so
she really got it. You know, she gets it, and
she saw what I wanted to do, and you know

(12:37):
that I loved what I was doing, so she was
really helpful and supportive of that. So yeah, it was
It was definitely interesting. I look back on it and
I'm like, oh, wow, how did we do that? I
don't know, we just kind of did it. You know.

Speaker 3 (12:50):
At the time. Was it exciting or was it scary? Well?
What pots were exciting and what pots were scary?

Speaker 1 (12:55):
I was really excited just because I I wasn't very
good at school and I didn't love being in school.
I was really distracted, daydreaming, kind of didn't pay attention
very well. I didn't learn things very easily, not very

(13:16):
good at math, and I remember the first time being
on a set and feeling so excited because I was like,
oh my god, I can do this instead. And once
I started booking more and more jobs in school became
more and more difficult to keep up with. You know,
we looked into so many different options. I did do

(13:37):
homeschooling for a little bit, and ultimately that was still
really difficult based off of how much I was working,
because you know, you have to put in at least
five to six hours a day even online school, you know,
because you have to commit an hour or so for
each class. I was in different time zones, getting one
on one time with my teachers to explain something to me.
It was very difficult. So, you know, I tried to

(13:59):
go back to regular high school, but you know, in
Colorado they don't have these child entertainment laws like they
do in California. There was no structure for me to
be able to do both. So ultimately I dropped out
of high school and I got my GED instead, and
I just I left school totally at fifteen and started
full time modeling at fifteen. And to me, it was

(14:23):
really exciting because I felt like I all I would
think about while I was in school, was I can't
wait to get out of here. Stay in school, you
know what I mean? Don't do what I do. No,
I'm just kidding. I do value school. I think education
is really important, but I do think that it's not
always for everyone, and people learn differently. And I feel

(14:45):
like I went to sort of a school of life.
I guess you could say I kind of learned by
doing and by seeing the world. So I have a
different education than what academia maybe teaches you. So I
am grateful that I got to experience some school of
like a normal childhood to an extent until about fifteen.
But I'm grateful I started, I left, and I was

(15:06):
done and doing what I was doing. By fifteen, I
felt like, Okay, this is it, this is what I'm
supposed to be doing. So I was just ecstatic. I
was just I was where I was meant to be.

Speaker 2 (15:17):
You know, it's amazing hearing your passion in drive, Like
after all these years. You said you've been modeling for
fourteen years, and I can feel like it's still this
energizing feeling. What was that transition like from that to
becoming a Victoria's Secret model, Like what is that journey? Like?

Speaker 3 (15:32):
Like what is that arc? Like?

Speaker 2 (15:33):
Like how hard is it to move from Paris Fashion
Week and New York Fashion Week and doing runways and
then going to actually be a Victoria's Secret model.

Speaker 1 (15:41):
At the time, it was really interesting because you know,
at that time, Victoria's Secret was the end of all,
be all, you know what I mean. It was not
to everyone, but to a lot of models it was,
oh my gosh, you know the Victoria's Secret Fashion show.
It gave you more of a mainstream name. I guess

(16:02):
you were more I guess in the street, the pulse
of pop culture. I guess if you were a Victoria's
Secret model. Some of the most famous models in the
world were victoria Secret models, you know. You know. Giselle
Bunchin was like one of my favorites and I love
her and look up to her. She's why I went
to IMG, because I was like, just how much IMG
at the time she was. I don't think she still is,
but when I signed with them, she was still with them,

(16:24):
so I was like, I want to be where she is.
And Carly Klauss is with IMG, and I wanted to
be where she was, so I I just I feel
like when I went from doing you know, fashion and
more commercial brands, like I did shoot a lot of
for H and M and Forever twenty one and some
like some of these younger maybe fashion lines that were

(16:45):
more for you know, teenagers like myself. So I did
work a lot with brands like that, and then kind
of when I turned eighteen, I was switching into more
of you know, adult modeling, which is so crazy because
I was still so young eighteen year old, and I
tried out for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show just because,
you know, because why not everybody wants to do it.

(17:06):
I wanted to try out and I wanted to do this,
so I went and I auditioned for it, and when
I booked it, I was shocked because I really didn't
think that I would get it on the first time
and on the first audition, because so many people go
back multiple multiple times. But probably because I'd had you know,
a fashion career and had been on runways since I

(17:28):
was fourteen, I was able to sort of be in
the room and kind of maybe know a little bit
more about what was happening, Whereas I feel like some
girls start modeling at eighteen sixteen, eighteen, you know, so
they're still new and newer. And I, even though I
was still really young, I had been working for four years.
So I felt ready for it and I was excited

(17:48):
for it. And when I booked it, I was shocked
and I was like, I can't believe I'm here right
now in a way, this is happening.

Speaker 2 (17:56):
Like what?

Speaker 1 (17:57):
So that was really scary? Was it was booking it?
I was like, oh, oh God, Okay, all right, this
is happening. But it was an amazing thing for my career,
and I'm really grateful for it. And I'm grateful, you
know that I got to do that because I wouldn't
be sitting here if I hadn't, you know. So I'm
I'm grateful for it for sure. I keep saying that
I am, you know.

Speaker 3 (18:18):
I believe it.

Speaker 2 (18:18):
How many steps was that audition process? Like what does
that look like in terms of getting there?

Speaker 3 (18:24):
Well? And what is it like?

Speaker 1 (18:26):
Like what do you think? I mean? It was like
ten years ago now, so I have to try and
remember what I did. But I'm pretty sure what happened
was I So I knew the casting director who was
casting for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. He was casting
some of the other shows that I'd walked in before,
like Michael Corre's and you know, a couple of the
other New York shows as well as shows in Milan
in Paris, so I was familiar with him. And for

(18:49):
the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, you go to a pre
casting with him and his casting team, and you know,
you do the walk, they record you, they film me,
They ask you questions, where are you from, how old
are you, what agency are you with, So it's just
a little bit of your personality or the way you
talk on video, and then they take your picture and

(19:09):
then I guess they probably take it back to the
Victoria's Secret internal casting team that also does showcasting. Because
when you get into the main room at the Victoria's
Secret headquarters, there's five or six people at a table
in front of you, and then five or six people
behind them sitting in chairs, and they all have notepads,
and you know, there's a big camera and they're filming you,

(19:32):
and you know, you do the whole like walk thing,
and they asked you to do it again. You do that.
So I did a pre casting with the casting director directly,
and then I went back in for a callback, which
was the main casting. So they had probably seen my
tape and seen my pre casting video and thought, okay,
let's request her for our main casting. So I went

(19:53):
into that, and then you know, sometimes there's another one
and there's another callback, and you know, another casting you
have to do. But I was working in LA, So
I went to my casting and got on a flight
and landed in LA and got a call that I
booked the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. So that's what I did.
That's how it happened to me.

Speaker 3 (20:13):
Useful to know.

Speaker 2 (20:14):
I feel like it's like we need a picture in right, like,
because if you've never done it, you just don't know
what the process looks like. And you mentioned something that
I've heard a lot of models talk about how they
went from like teen modeling to adult modeling and also
when you're still a teen, and like, how was that
process for you, because I've heard other people describe it
as like it was uncomfortable where certain poses or certain

(20:35):
clothes or whatever. It was like I've never worn something
like this, or did you feel that or was it
not like that for you?

Speaker 3 (20:40):
Was it just kind of like you enjoyed it was fun?

Speaker 1 (20:42):
No, I didn't I didn't feel like that because I
I was just happy to be there. I was like,
I'm just happy to be here. Also, I love it,
like I love I loved playing dress up when I
was a kid, and I'd do it for a living,
So like, how can I not be just having the
best time ever, you know, trying on all these clothes,
doing all these things. Also I did dance. Wasn't very
good at it, but I loved it, and I loved dancing,

(21:04):
and I loved gymnastics and I love moving. And you know,
if you're on the right set and you have the
right team around you, and you know a lot of
the Victoria's Secret team from that time, I've known them
for a really long time, and I have worked with
a lot of the photographers in the past, and you know,
it felt like a safe space. And my memory and
my interpretation of that environment was that I was safe.

(21:26):
So I felt comfortable and I was just like, this
is what we're doing now, and I had the best
time doing it. So for me, I never felt afraid
to do anything. So I just was so excited, I guess,
or maybe I was just young. I was like, WHOA,
I don't know, maybe A bit of both, you know.
So I don't know, I never felt I never I

(21:48):
know some people do feel that, and that's something I
have felt like that for sure, definitely, but maybe not
in those instances and maybe not at that time, just
because a combination of you know, excitement and you know, youth,
never having that experience before, being excited to be there,
so it kind of wiped away the fear a little bit.
And maybe I was a little delusional and kind of

(22:09):
was like, whoa, this is so cool. You know, it's
like rose colored glasses a little bit. But I've been
in some scenarios where I'm like, yeah, maybe not, so, you.

Speaker 2 (22:20):
Know, yeah, no, I think. I mean I love hearing that.
I think for me, I mean I moved to La
much later in life, but even for me, like as
soon as I came to the United States, to me,
being in the US is like living in a movie
because we grew up watching American television in London, yep.
And so when I first landed in New York, I
visited maybe once or twice in my teens with family,

(22:42):
but I remember moving in like even when I saw
like a yellow school bus or I saw like a
cop car or NYPD or whatever. Like to me, it's
like I've only ever seen that in a TV show
or a movie, and so it's really fascinating. And then
you see the Empire state. And then when I moved
to LA it was the same thing. It was Wait
a minute. Even now, when I'm driving down the street
and there's palm trees on either side, I'm like, I'm
on vacation, because yeah, in my head, like that's such

(23:05):
a it's such an alien experience having grown up in
London that you know, living in LA So I kind
of have some of that youthful enthusiasm around some of
these things too, because it reminds me of a time
when I used to watch TV religiously and what I
grew up on. So I can resonate with that feeling.
Whereas someone will always be like, oh do anything La

(23:26):
is like this or New York's like this. I'm like,
to me, it just reminds me of what I saw.

Speaker 1 (23:29):
In the movies, like, Wow, I can't live I get
to be here.

Speaker 3 (23:32):
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 (23:32):
I can't believe. I never imagined a million years that
my life would look this way, yea. And so I'm
just taking it all in as opposed to seeing gaps
and holds in it or whatever.

Speaker 3 (23:42):
Else you may.

Speaker 1 (23:42):
Yeah, there's days where I see gaps and holes, but
my overarching goal and perspective is to be I'm in awe,
you know, and I am still in awe, and I
can't believe I'm even sitting here right now. I'm like,
this is crazy. So you know, it's just I definitely
that's just. I think my natural sort of energy and

(24:03):
where I sit with things is just wow, I'm here, WHOA?
How do I get here? And you know, like all
humans do, every day is different. So there's definitely times
where I'm just like, oh, whoa this is? You know,
I don't like this. I don't like this feeling or
what's happening here and what's going on there. So there's
definitely both, Like I don't want, you know, the perception

(24:23):
of me to feel like she just whatever, she has
no idea what's going on, She's in a bubble, and
I'm just no. I just feel. I just feel grateful,
And I think the most important emotion for me to
feel daily is gratitude. So just I try to remind
myself where I'm at and where I came from and
just be grateful to be here. So that's my genuine

(24:45):
consensus on things.

Speaker 2 (24:48):
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You obviously have a hard work ethic and a drive,

(25:31):
which is what you're talked about with sports and that discipline.
Walk us through the discipline of being a Victoria Secret model.
Like to die at the workout, the plan the day,
like the hour?

Speaker 3 (25:41):
What does that look like?

Speaker 2 (25:42):
Because I think often again that's another thing you don't
ever see. Yeah, so you don't really know.

Speaker 1 (25:48):
Yeah, It's so when I first started doing Victoria's Secret,
I was very young, and I was very lucky because
I didn't have to work out that hard and I
you know, didn't have to die it because I was
eighteen and you know, six feet tall, So you know,
you can imagine how lucky I was in terms of
that sort of stuff. But then obviously as I was

(26:08):
starting to grow up and mature as a woman in
that arena, I did have to start working out. You know,
there was an air there was a time where I
was like, Okay, well, if I want to be in
the best shape of my life for this one really
important day, then I'm going to take it. I'm going
to step it up a notch. So there was some preparation.
Probably when I was like twenty one to twenty two,

(26:30):
I started you know, amping it up in terms of
like the exercise and diet and stuff like that when
we were training for the show. But you know, there
was such a Sometimes there's such a negative connotation in
terms of talking about those things because I think a
lot of people have maybe an unhealthy perspective of it
because Victoria's Secret wasn't inclusive and it wasn't a welcome

(26:53):
space for everybody. You know, it was welcome for you know,
women who were six feet tall and naturally slim, and
you know, and then they were really fit on top
of that. So if you're an outsider looking in, it
looks like a really well not everybody looks like that.
And I don't see myself there, yeah, fair enough. Sometimes

(27:13):
even I didn't see myself there, you know, So I
had to train hard to get there. But you know,
I always tried to be as healthy as I could
with it, and you know, keep a positive outlook on
it for me personally in my journey. And like how
I went about training for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show,
I sort of looked at it like maybe an athlete would.

(27:35):
I'm not an athlete obviously, but you know, the level
of training that I would do and the diets I
would be on. If a footballer came in and you know,
started talking about his diet, people would accept it, I think,
because he is an athlete. But you know, if I
come in and say how I was working out and
what I was eating, because I'm a six foot tall,

(27:55):
naturally slim woman, I think it could be you know,
taken negatively and miscan strewed. But I just want to
assure people that you know, I did do it healthy,
like I was very healthy when I was doing it.
This is my natural physique. I know that everybody doesn't
look like this, and not everybody can relate to that.
And that's I hear you, and I see you, and
I hope you. You know, don't take anything that I

(28:16):
say and misinterpret it and say like to look like her,
I have to do this. No, don't do that. You know,
do what you need to do and for you and
your body. And when I was training for that, I
did what I needed to do for my body. So
I can get into that. I did a lot of
like hit cardio training. So I had a personal trainer

(28:37):
who's amazing, Christina. She's near and dear to my heart.
She's so intelligent. She has, you know, a nutrition background
as well, so she was making sure that I was
eating the amount of food I should be eating for
the exercise that I was doing. And so we sort
of did like a mix of things. It was weightlifting.
I love weightlifting. It's really fun. I also I'm a

(28:59):
crazy person, like I love exercise. I love fitness. I
like working out it's it's really it's good for my
mental health. When I work out. I work out because
I want to do it for my mind, not for
how my body looks. So but for the Victoria's Secret
Fashion job, obviously, I was training for a reason, so
I did care about you know, muscle definition and all
that fun stuff. So we did like you know, weight training, weightlifting.

(29:24):
You know, it would be like interval like we would
you know, sprint on a treadmill and then hold a
plank kind of stuff like that. And I really liked
that type of workout because it was it was you know,
high energy and going from one thing to the next thing,
and it was challenging, and it kind of sort of
reminded me of maybe my gymnastics background and the sports
I'd done before, where they're a little bit more dynamic

(29:45):
and you're moving around a lot. And then you know,
for diet, I would eat pretty healthy just I would
eat like I would make sure I was gluten free though,
just because I think sometimes gluten can respond in your
body in a negative way. So something I know some
people our gluten free around the VS Show. Be gluten
free for about a month, no alcohol for about a month,

(30:06):
and a half or so leading up to the show day,
just because alcohol is never going to help you if
you're trying to, like, you know, gain muscle weight. So
that was my sort of goal, was muscle, not never
managing or washing my weight. It was more just about,
you know, making sure I was eating lean proteins. I
had like protein shakes. In the morning. I would have

(30:27):
a gluten free bagel. I would have eggs, vegetables. I
ate chicken, breast, ate sweet potato, I ate sushi, rice fish,
I ate all kinds of things like that, and making
sure that it was enough based off of what the
kind of exercise I was doing. So the trainer that
would work with me on my fitness routine, she also
worked with me on the food I was consuming. Hey,

(30:50):
need to make sure you're consuming before you see me.
You need to eat this amount and then we come
and we're going to work out and we're going to
do this, and then you go home and you have
this protein shake, so we know you're getting the right
nutrients that you need to fuel your body. So yeah, hopefully.

Speaker 2 (31:04):
Very Yeah, that was very in depth. Yeah, I know,
And I asked Taylor, I genuinely asked because I do
think it's an interesting thing around the discipline, and that's
why I asked him from that perspective, because to me,
the discipline, the work ethic, the you know, the focus,
and I'm so happy that it was a healthy journey
for you. And I think we're taking into account the
fact that it may not be a healthy journey for everyone,

(31:25):
and we recognized that that it can cause challenges for others.

Speaker 1 (31:29):
Yeah, I mean I know that time too. It was
difficult for so many for women watching, and I know
like the expectation that was put on women to look
a certain way to I never want to feel like
maybe I was a part of it and perpetuating that
just because of the way it was being presented, maybe
that I was just like I was just happy to
be here again. I was just like, well, I'm so

(31:49):
excited to get to be here. But I know what
it meant to society. I know what people perceived it
as for sure. So I do take that into account
and I know that's it's a lot, and I hope
people can maybe listen to me in my perspective and know,
like I was trying to be I was really healthy
in the way that I was trying to do this
and go about this, and I never want to like

(32:10):
perpetuate that somebody should do something or you know, work
out a certain way to look like a Victoria's Secret model,
because you know that's not fair and not everybody looks
like used to look like that. That's not what's beautiful.
You know, Beauty is so much more than what people
were trying to make us believe it was at that time.
So I just wanted to put that.

Speaker 2 (32:30):
I'm glad you careful as you think you made a
really interesting point, though. I think what's interesting. For example,
like I love watching basketball.

Speaker 3 (32:37):
I am I have.

Speaker 2 (32:38):
Nowhere near the physique of any basketball player on the planet.
There's no one in my size who plays basketball in
high physique, whatever else it may be. And if you
saw I don't play basketball, but if I was to
try and play basketball when I was younger, I was
great at three pointer because I didn't need to be
anyone or whatever. But it's I would never be expected

(33:00):
to do what.

Speaker 3 (33:00):
Someone does on the court.

Speaker 2 (33:02):
It's really interesting how the industry is then projected onto
people thinking they have to be that, whereas I can
watch basketball knowing I never have to be that. And
I think that's the part which is so interesting that
it's almost like a interesting pressure that if it becomes
about beauty, it sets an unfair standard. But if it's
about sports, like you just said, in one sense, you

(33:22):
were training yourself like an athlete. Yeah, but we know
we I know I can't be Tom Brady or I
know I can't be Lebron James neither.

Speaker 1 (33:29):
Yeah yeah, and I'm okay, you can't be Adriana Lima.
And because that woman was amazing and Giselle, I mean,
they they trained so much harder than even me. I
did my best, but you know, I did what I
knew I was comfortable and able and capable of doing.
But they are them, and they're their own person and
they trained in their own way, and I did it

(33:51):
my way too.

Speaker 2 (33:52):
So yeah, no, no, no, And I hope anyone who's listening,
like the reason why I wanted to open up that
conversation is because it's interesting to hear from someone who
just loves what they do, it's excited about it. And
then naturally there's this bigger thing going on in society
and culture and industry, and it's like you might just
be doing your thing and not know at a time

(34:12):
when you know, you don't realize it. How did you
feel about when it stopped? And now, of course we
know it's coming back. Yeah, the plan iss to be
more inclusive.

Speaker 1 (34:19):
I'm really glad that it's coming back in a different
way and from a different lens and a different perspective,
because I think, you know, I'm I'm so happy I
still work with Victoria's Secret and I'm you know, I've
been a part of the brand for ten years and
I've seen the shift that they've made and the changes
that they're trying to make, and it's to me, it's

(34:40):
a little relaxing, you know, a bit of a breath
of fresh air, because now I am at a different
phase in my life where, you know, maybe I don't
want to work out like that anymore, you know what
I mean. When I was younger, and you know, it
was exciting to do so then sure I could, definitely,
I was, let's do this, But you know, ten years
later and also I haven't don that show, and how

(35:01):
many years now, how long has it been since the
last one, you know, so five years maybe, maybe four,
maybe more, I don't know, you know, I feel when
it comes back I am excited that it's going to
be so so different, but also I hope that we
can still maintain some of the fund some of the

(35:23):
glamor some of the beauty, because I think reclaiming it
for ourselves as women is really important, because you know,
if you want to feel sexy and you want to
be sexy, I don't think there's anything wrong with that,
but you want to do it for yourself, not for
not for the objectification of what men want, you know, so,
and I think that's the difference now, and I think,

(35:44):
you know that's definitely the goal with the Victoria's Secret
Fashion Show coming back is to make sure that women
are doing it. You know, we're comfortable. They asked me,
you know what wings would you want to wear? And
are you excited about doing this? And you know, what
do you want to see when the show comes back?
And I really appreciate that, you know, I value that
they're asking how I feel and you know what I

(36:06):
would like to see as a woman doing it, as
a woman who's done it before, and you know, we'll
probably do it again. So I'm just I'm excited that
it's going to be very different, and I hope that
it can be perceived in a way that's you know,
not setting an unrealistic beauty standard, because that's what it
one hundred percent what it was. And you know, maybe

(36:26):
I was maybe some of that like expectation was put
on me, but I didn't realize it at the time
because I was so young, you know, I didn't. You
don't again, you don't know what you don't know. And
now that I'm twenty eight, you know, ten years later
from my first show, if I look back on my
first show, it's kind of like, I'm sure so many
women who were at that show felt such an intense

(36:47):
pressure to look a certain way and work out a
certain way, and that's probably why some people had an
unhealthy relationship with it. And maybe just the timing of
my age and where I was at and where my
headspace was that I got really lucky that I didn't
feel any of those things. But that doesn't mean it
still wasn't happening for other people, and that doesn't mean
that it didn't make society or other women watching it

(37:10):
feel that way. So like, you know, I just I
hope that, well, yeah, there's definitely both. They could both
sit with sit with me, so everyone.

Speaker 2 (37:18):
Who's listening to watching. I can definitely, I definitely hear
what you're saying, and I can see how much of it.
It's such a complicated it's sosplex layered topic. When it's
personal but collective.

Speaker 1 (37:28):
It's hard to kind of verbalize and talk about something
because it is very complex. So how do I put
that into words? But I do see both, and they
it's weird two things can be true at the same time,
you know what I mean. Sometimes emotions are parallel and
they're really just happening. On's happening here and once it's
also happening and you're going on the same path and
you're going to the same place, and you're feeling two

(37:50):
different things at the exact same time. So I look
back on it and I have new emotions that sit
alongside the old ones and the joy and like the
wow that I felt there, And I can see how
everything happened, and I can see the heaviness, and I
can understand, like I see where maybe by me talking
so positively about it makes other people feel a negative

(38:11):
way Like I I would never want to make somebody
feel like that, So I have to acknowledge that and
be like Okay, I know I see now like we've
we were like we were the early two thousands, we
were in this bubble of this thing and it popped,
and now we can see clearly and I see it,
so I get it. But you know, also, if I'm
going to talk about my personal experience while I was
in it, it was I did have a great time,

(38:32):
and I I personally went about it and what I
feel like was as healthy as I could possibly be. Like,
trust me, I was eating, I was working out, I
was doing I was doing all the things like I
should be doing to make sure that I'm not, you know,
being unhealthy and having like a negative thing that was
happening in my mind and my body.

Speaker 2 (38:51):
So well, I really appreciate that kind of the way
you've presented that because I think there's so much truth
to it, and I think if anything helped just become
more aware of Hey, let's try and be aware of bubbles.
But by the nature of a bubble, you're not aware
of it until it pops, And so when it pops,
then we all become aware of it. And then all

(39:11):
of a sudden, so it's almost like we've got to give,
We've got to give ourselves grace. We've got to give
others grace. We've got to give everyone time and space
to kind of understand and grow and rise together. Because
and this doesn't just apply to the beauty industry or
the modeling industry. This applies to so many industries across
the world where I think there's a need for collective

(39:33):
grace on both sides and then and then rising together.
And I love and I completely agree with you. I
think you're allowed to have your own experience. I almost
think about it sometimes to do with entrepreneurship too, Like
a lot of people will be like, entrepreneurship is really tough,
it's really hard work, and there's the hustle culture of
you have to work eighteen hours a day and you
have to do this, and you have to do that.

(39:54):
And I always say to people like, if I'm completely honest,
for the first two years of my career, three years
of my career, I did work eighteen hours a day,
and I'm really happy I did. Like it was amazing
and I'm really grateful, And yes, some parts of it
were unhealthy, but it allowed me to get to where
I wanted to get to in order to put things
in place to be more healthy. And that's my personal
experience in it, and that's not right or wrong or

(40:17):
the best way or the worst way. It's just how
it's worked for me. And you could look at that
and be like, oh, well, eighteen hours of the hustle
culture and there's no balance, and I'm like, but it's
each of us have got to find what's comfortable and
natural for us, and you're allowed to have your own
experience and also recognize that there's negatives within it.

Speaker 1 (40:35):
Yeah, because you you know, you were working those eighteen
hour days and when you realize, well, maybe I shouldn't
be doing that, or you have maybe this realization of
maybe I should have more balance in my life, maybe
I should do this. Oh okay like that, then you
can maybe fix it and grow from it and change
and not do that anymore. But doesn't mean that when
you were doing it, you were you know, having a

(40:55):
terrible time. Maybe you were having fun and you were
just excited that you to do this work and all
that stuff. And then you can look back on and
be like, WHOA, I was actually some more overwhelmed than
I thought I was. Oh okay, likes I That's what
that was. Because sometimes you feel these things and some
new emotions that you've never felt before, and you can't
pinpoint what it is exactly until you hear somebody else

(41:17):
say it, or there's a new topic of discussion where
people are like, do you guys ever feel this? And
then you're like, I do feel that? What is that?
And then you discover oh, it's burnout? Yes, Oh see,
there was never a word for it before. That's what
that is. It's just like acknowledging and recognizing something and
then being like, Okay, well we're not going to do
that anymore. But I did do it, so you know

(41:38):
we're not going to do that.

Speaker 2 (41:39):
Yeah, it's so true. I mean I think about that.
When I was young, I used to have certain physical
sensations or experiences in my heart space and my chest space,
and I would go to the doctors. I would tell
my mom and we'd go get checked out. The doctors
had no clue. They were like, you're absolutely fine. Yeah,
And now I look back and I'm like, oh, I
had anxiety. Oh I had panicitects. I had no idea,

(42:00):
and no one ever used that language. I saw multiple doctors,
no one ever said it to me, and so I
just moved on with life and got on with it,
and it became better at dealing with it. And now
I look back and I'm like, oh, now there's a
word for it, and now we can label it and
talk about it.

Speaker 3 (42:12):
But I didn't know then.

Speaker 2 (42:14):
And There's been definitely times in my life where I've
been in denial, that I've been in stress or burnout,
and then I look back and I'm like, oh, now
I can notice it. But at that time I just
needed to push through or whatever it may be. But
I mean talking about this and talking about relate relevant
emotional experiences. I was talking about my friend earlier, and
you were talking to me about the experience you went through.

(42:36):
You shared this on social media. You talked about the
loss of Tate and the grief you've experienced, which is
what's led to Tate and Taylor, which is this incredible
new platform and company that's supporting so many people walk.
I want to talk about what you've built and the
passion and the purpose behind it, but let's talk about

(42:57):
the grief of losing a friend, because that's really what
they say, is a really dear friend walk me through
those nine years and the amazing relationship you built with Tate.

Speaker 1 (43:10):
Yeah, Tate, Oh my angel. I got Tate when I
was eighteen, so it was really kind of in the
mix of all this my life changing, you know. I
booked the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show not very long after
I Tate came into my life and we went We
walked through life together for nine years and he was

(43:32):
my best friend. And oh gosh, it's so hard to
put it into words because it's it's so it's such
a unique thing to have a deep relationship with an animal,
and it sounds I hope it don't sound crazy. Yeah,
I gonna sound a little crazy, but like, I just

(43:53):
feel like the love that you know, dogs and animals
in general have for humans is so unconditional, you know,
and they have no judgment. They don't want anything from
you but your love back, and it's so pure and
it's so innocent. It's almost childlike in a way, you know,

(44:17):
when I I can only imagine, you know, when you
hold a newborn baby for the first time, that immediate
connection that you feel to this thing that I can't
even talk get and is just a part of you.
It's really special to have such a deep connection to
something that literally wants nothing from you except for also

(44:38):
the like unconditional love. So to have take com into
my life at that time was so special, just because
so much was changing. You know, I was growing up.
I was, you know, becoming a young woman from a
girl to a woman, and he was there for that.
And you know, I was traveling all the time, and

(44:58):
I was away from family, and I just had this little, tiny,
innocent soul with me that just always looked at me, like,
you're the best, and I love you. And Tate taught
me so much. I mean, he taught me, you know, responsibility,
caring for something other than myself, you know, taking care
of him, you know, pouring love into him and making

(45:20):
sure that he was good and you know even well behaved,
and training him and doing all those things is showing
him an act of love and making sure that he's
a confident, comfortable dog he could be in any scenario.
And he was the best boy. And I think he
also kind of knew that I was just kind of
out there winging.

Speaker 4 (45:38):
It a bit.

Speaker 1 (45:38):
He was like, oh God, this girl, this girl has
no idea what she's doing. So I'm gonna have to
be a good boy now. And he just I really
sometimes feel like he did teach himself how to just
be everywhere with me all the time. And I think
that he was meant for me, and he was meant
to be in my life, and I think that we
were sort of made for each other and we belonged
to each other. And you know, he was he was

(46:03):
so it sounds crazy to say this about a dog,
but he was so emotional, Like his eyes were so human.
He could look at me and I knew what he
was saying or what he was thinking, or I felt
that he could feel what I was thinking or what
I was feeling. And I definitely think that he also
taught me a lot about you know, emotion and you

(46:26):
know being. You know what's that saying? You know, be
the person your dog thinks you are. They think you're great.
You know, they're like, I love you no matter what. Yes, mom, Yes,
So if that's the energy they give you, right, it's like, oh,
you're the best, and it's just like am I the best?

(46:46):
But to how something, you know, this little creature just
look at you and think you're the best. It kind
of makes you want to be the best, right, you know,
constantly trying to grow and be better and change, and
you know, nobody's perfect and no one will ever be perfect,
and we're always learning and we're always growing and we're
always changing. But having something to do that for and

(47:10):
having someone to do that with is is really is
It's different, you know, like it's more intentional, right, So
trying to be better because Tait thinks I'm the best
is a different motivation. So he definitely was there for
me through, you know, so much of my life and
so much of my life changing. I think from you know,

(47:31):
eighteen to twenty seven are pretty formative years. I don't
I'm not a doctor, but someone told me once that
your brain stops developing a twenty five or something. So
you know, he was there. Oh sorry, I hit the
mic top with my hands. He was there. He was
there from when I had an undeveloped brain to a

(47:53):
developed brain. You know, he kind of just saw me
through and he was He was just the best, I mean,
the love of my life, I mean, my soulmate really
because he just knew, you know, and I've never had
a connection with any anyone like that that I've had
with Tate. So I'm just I'm really grateful that he

(48:13):
was in my life. He's the inspiration behind me even
wanting to start a pet company, just because I love
him so much. And I know other people have felt
that before, people who've had you know, what I like
to call a soul dog, they know what I'm talking about,
you know, they know that feeling. And when I shared
that I lost Tate, people who who'd you know, been

(48:34):
on my journey with me and been maybe following me
for a bit, no the day I got him, and
maybe saw saw him on my Instagram all the time.
I mean, he was probably in every single picture on
my Instagram for nine years, so I feel like people
felt like they knew him. And when I said when I,
you know, shared that he was sick, and then when
I ultimately shared that he had passed, the overwhelming amount

(48:55):
of support and you know, messages that I got and
also shared experiences that I received from I lost my
soul dog ten years ago and I still think about
them every single day. It made me feel It made
me feel less alone and less maybe kind of strange
for feeling this way about a dog, because I you know,

(49:16):
you get both you get. I got amazing, overwhelming comments
that were just overwhelmingly positive. I mean, just you know,
I know what you've what you're going through. I went
through this, you know. Just remember He's always with you. You know.
I got messages like that that touched me so deeply
and positively, and I just felt so grateful that I

(49:38):
got those messages. But then, of course you get the
flip side where people don't understand. They're like, oh, it's
a dog, what's the big deal. You know, Oh, it's
a dog. Move on. I'll never move on from Tate's death.
My grief will change, for sure. My perspective of his
death will change, and it has even since I lost him.

(50:00):
You know, I it's devastating and it's heartbreaking, and you know,
to anyone who's felt that, I know that feels like
and don't let anybody rush you. You know, some people
don't understand it's just because this is a dog and
you know, not a person. It doesn't mean that they

(50:22):
don't deserve the same amount of time and space and
energy you would give to grieving anything else. So I
would just say, you know, take your time, and you're
not alone. And it's not a fun thing to go
through at all. So I think I'll always miss Tate.

(50:45):
You know, I don't see how I can't, you know.
And I think to say to get over something is
such a harsh way of saying it because I'll probably
never get over it. I'll never really get over losing Tate.
I can heal from it, and I can find, you know,
peace with it, But those are two completely different things.

(51:07):
Getting over it? How do you get over that?

Speaker 2 (51:10):
You know?

Speaker 1 (51:11):
It does? It's not something that it's not an object
in my way, it's he's a part of me and
he's no longer here. So yeah, I definitely think losing
a pet is tough. And you know, losing one that
you have such a deep, strong connection with that's been
with you for so many things with no expectation from

(51:32):
you other than just they want to be there with
you is that's a tough loss and a tough thing
to work through.

Speaker 2 (51:39):
So thank you for sharing that. I mean, I like
I was saying to you. I've had two friends recently
who've both lost pets that they were dogs that they
were close to for many, many years, and I've been
talking to them and when this opportunity came up to
talk to you, I was thinking about you, and then
thinking about them, and I can't wait to share this

(52:00):
conversation with them because it's I don't think there's anyone
who has a pet that they're deeply close to that
sees it as a loss that's different of any kind.

Speaker 3 (52:11):
And why would you when that.

Speaker 2 (52:13):
Person has been there with you through all these experiences
walk us through, Like what is it like when you
get that caller, you have that meeting with the vet
or the doctor that goes this is the condition that
Tate hasn't please tell us a bit about the condition
and that experience, because I feel like, to me, when
I think about grief and loss, it's like that point

(52:33):
in the journey is so pivotal to everything that comes
after it because it's like the first time it really
hits you that this may not last.

Speaker 1 (52:42):
Yeah, and also it can dictate your journey and how
you grieve and why you're grieving. So Tate was diagnosed
with T cell and foma, and you know, he was
acting strangely, probably less than a month before his diagnosis.
It was little things, very subtle things, and almost things

(53:03):
that were already kind of things that he had been
doing before, but they were just a little bit more
frequent or a little bit more extreme, and I was like, well,
that's really weird. So Tate had a very sensitive stomach.
He would always sometimes I don't want to say the
word throw up, but sorry guys, So if you're triggered
by that. He would throw up his food sometimes, and

(53:24):
he like it didn't always like sit well with him.
And he he had, like you know, already had like
digestion problems from when he was a puppy, but probably
a couple of weeks before his cancer diagnosis, he was
still throwing up food. He was like drinking water excessively,
like drinking a lot of water, like he seemed very,

(53:45):
very thirsty. And then when I ultimately was like, okay,
something is really really wrong, it was incontinence. So he
was peeing in the bed at night, which was he
never did that. He was such a good boy. I
was like, he would never do this intentionally. So I
took him to the doctor and I was like, something
is wrong. He's you know, it's not strange or abnormal

(54:08):
that he's throwing up his food, but it's strange that
he threw up water yesterday, and it's strange that he
peed in the bed. And I don't think that those
are normal things. So you know, they're doing blood tests.
His calcium levels are off. I don't remember in what way,
just because honestly, it's all a bit of a blur
because it's it was a very emotional time. So but

(54:28):
I do remember his calcium levels. There was something wrong there.
So they did another test that was a bit more
of a deep dive into that. They were like, okay, yeah,
this is a problem. We should probably do an X ray. So,
you know, that was a week ago. So now it's
a week later, and you know, getting these appointments and
like seeing the doctors, you know, it's just sometimes not

(54:49):
always easy, even in dogs, even you know, in veterinary circumstances,
it's weirdly sometimes similar to human doctors. You know, it's
just getting these appointments and getting into sea it's like, well,
something is wrong. Can we just do this now? Why
are we sitting here and waiting? He doesn't feel good,
So we go in for the x ray, and you know,

(55:09):
sure enough, they find a mass in his shoulder and
his lymph node near his shoulder, and they're like, okay,
well we think it's lymphoma. So you know, you need
to take him to an oncologist, and you know, these
are the oncologists that we recommend. I'm calling every hospital
in New York that I possibly can to see. You know,
who can I take him to right away? Everyone was,

(55:33):
you know, this was maybe May. Everyone was like, our
next appointment isn't until June sixteenth. Our next appointment isn't
until July sixteenth. I'm like, okay, well, my dog was
just diagnosed with cancer, or what they think to be
is cancer. I can't imagine that he can wait until
June or July. And I don't really know what to
do next. So he starts getting worse, and he's not

(55:57):
eating anymore, and he has no appetite and he can't
keep even water down. So my husband actually takes him
to the vet. I'm out of town when this is happening,
and she says, he's in a really bad state. He's
severely dehydrated. You need to take him to the emergency
room right now, and they'll check him into the ICU

(56:19):
and then maybe then he'll be seen by an oncologist.
And I was like, why didn't you tell me that before?
Oh my god, I would have done that a week ago,
even though he wasn't in a state of emergency. He
has we think he has cancer. We think he has
tell tea cell and foma that's very aggressive. So we
my husband takes him to the emergency room, and sure

(56:41):
enough they do. They check him into the ICU. He's,
you know, very severely dehydrated, he's very weak, he hasn't
eaten in like two days, and he's on a wait
list to see an oncologist that day. And well, remembering
all this is hard because I wasn't in town. This
was happening, and I get the calls that Tates in

(57:02):
the emergency room, Tates in the ICU. I'm not there,
petrified I'm going to lose him, and I'm not going
to be there. And he's seen by the oncologists. They
do all the tests, they do all the scans. Yes,
he does have T cell lymphoma. It's throughout his entire body.

(57:24):
He has multiple you know, masses on multiple lymph nodes.
And he definitely doesn't have much much more time left.
So I get home as soon as I can. I'm
in the I see you with him, and you know,

(57:46):
all this is happening days before our wedding. Actually, I
was in the hospital with him on a Monday, and
on Thursday, I was meant to fly back home to
Colorado to get married. And I'm in New York in
the hospital, in the icy with Tate, and you know,
I'm looking at him and I'm asking him, like, if
you if you need to go, wait, please let me know,

(58:09):
like I will let you go, you know, Like I
don't want to make him do anything that he doesn't
want to do, because sometimes I feel like when you're
dealing with a sick animal, we can be quite selfish.
And I want him to be there, and I want
him to be okay, and I want him to be
at my wedding and all these things that I want,
But what about him. He doesn't feel good, he's sick,

(58:29):
he's in the hospital. So Tate was at the Animal
medical Center in New York, the Shworsman Animal Medical Center,
And a lot of what we do at TIT and
Taylor is I have a whole cancer like a fuck
cancer merch collection line where one hundred percent of the
profit that we make goes back to a fund that
they have at the Animal Medical Center called the Buddy Fund.

(58:52):
And what the Buddy Fund does is help subsidize the
cost or cover the cost in total of chemotherapy and
cancer treatments and pets. It's an incredible program and it's
an incredible hospital and a part of my journey and
story with Tate, so much of it has to do
with the amazing the oncology department at the Animal Medical

(59:14):
Center is amazing. They're the largest nonprofit hospital in the world,
and they they have so many amazing programs there. They're
teaching hospital, so it's a really it's a great place.
Tate was in the best hands when he was there,
and while even though I was going through something quite
emotional and a turbulent time of is he going to
make it to one of the most special days of

(59:37):
my life and or is he not? I I had
an amazing doctor there. She was so supportive. She was
about to get married. She was, you know, getting married
a week after me. So she was I have a
dog and she was like, I can't She's like, I
can't imagine what you're feeling right now. I mean she's
at She's like, I can't imagine what you're feeling right now.
You know, getting married, your dog in the hospital, this

(59:57):
is your baby, and you know you're he might not
be there. So the team that the oncology team was
so amazing with Tate and with me. They did everything
in their power. They're like, well, we think we should start,
you know, the chop protocol, which is what he started,
and he started responding to it really positively. So I'm

(01:00:20):
you know, there's a small segue cut back to you know,
I'm looking at Tate. I'm like, please tell me, like,
do you want to fight this? Like are you gonna
stick it out? You don't have to do that, you
don't have to come. I know I want you to,
but I need to do what's best for you. And
after I you know, said this to him, he it's
you know, he's going in to have a feeding tube

(01:00:42):
put in because he's not eating and he's about to
start the chop protocol. They want to make sure he
has nutrients in his body, so they put a feeding
tube in so that they can start giving administering, you know,
nutrients to him. And immediately flipped. He went from looking
like he was on st doorstep to Tate. He was
wagging his tail, he was energetic, he was you know,

(01:01:07):
doing it. He was him. I was like, it was
the next day, and this was Wednesday. I'm supposed to
leave Thursday for the wedding. I was my mind was blown.
I was like, oh my god, I can't believe it.
I was like, Tater, are you lying to me right now?
What are you doing? What is this? All of a
sudden he knew, he knew he wanted to be there.
I asked him. I was like, do you what do

(01:01:28):
you need? What do you want? They, you know, put
the feeding to him in they're administering his first dose
of the chop protocol, and you know, he's able to
get some nutrients in his body. He's a different dog.
I'm like, Okay, this dog wants to fight this for me.
He wants to pull through right now, so he does
make it to the wedding. It was an amazing, beautiful

(01:01:49):
experience to be able to share that with him, because
literally every person who he's ever loved and who has
ever loved Tate was there and they got to they
got to say goodbye to him, you know. As not
to sound morbid, but it is. It's in a way
sort of cancer and dogs is it's not curable. They

(01:02:11):
don't live much longer than maybe a year, you know,
sometimes in some cases too, like it's different, you know,
you they treat dogs to live the best quality of
life if they can, for the rest of their lives,
until they get to a point where it's okay, well
it's their time. So it was a way for people
to say goodbye to him because we knew he wouldn't

(01:02:32):
be around for much longer. We didn't know how much longer,
but it wasn't going to be much longer. And it
was really special. You know, my best friend from my childhood,
someone I've known since I was five years old, he
was what did I call him, oh, my man of honor,
and he walked him down the aisle and it was

(01:02:52):
really special, and you know, people were crying and everyone
was hugging Tate and kissing Tate and just it was
so special for me to be able to see and
feel the love for him, knowing what he had gone
through and what we were going through, and it felt
like it really felt like a miracle that he made
it there and that he was there that day. So

(01:03:13):
then you know, we get back to New York and
he's you know, he's on maybe number two or three
of his doses. It's a sixteen week process, and we
were probably only on like week two and so because
he had t cell lymphoma, it's a it's very aggressive

(01:03:33):
and it adapts in the body really quickly, and you know,
since Tate had tumors throughout his entire body, we didn't
know how he would respond to it. He was nine
years old, so he was older, but he wasn't old old,
I guess. So the doctors were like, well, we're not
really sure. He's nine. It's old, but he's still energetic.

(01:03:55):
He's still quite youthful. Like we're gonna kind of play
it by your and see how this goes. And then
it was we were we were in New York for
maybe about a week ten days or so, and he
started to get really really bad again, really bad. We
take him back to the emergency room. They you know,

(01:04:16):
he's back in the ICU and they're doing all the
blood work and the tests and you know, checking on him,
and he the cancer in his body had adapted to
the to the chemotherapy treatments and it was attacking his
kidneys now and essentially, you know, his doctor said, if

(01:04:41):
he doesn't pass from the cancer, he'll pass from kidney failure. So, right,
now we're in a position where there's not much more
we can do, and he's not comfortable. He's in a
lot of pain. He's very sick. She said, it's completely
up to you, and I can't tell you what to do.
All I can tell you is where he at, what

(01:05:01):
hit the health. The condition of his health right now
is not good. So you know, we ultimately have to
come to to the decision to let Tate go because
I don't want him to live like that. But so selfish,
you know, I think to try to keep treating him
when he's Yeah, he's not. He shouldn't. He shouldn't be,

(01:05:24):
you know. So we were able to make an appointment
with the doctor that does humane euthanization in home so
that Tate could be with me, my husband, and we
were in our home together and we got to hold him,
and you know, he didn't have to go back to

(01:05:44):
the hospital because going there was it was a scary
thing for Mike could tell it was stressful because that's
where they would take him away from me. And I
knew he wanted to be with me. He was very
attached to me, so I didn't want to have to
take him back there. I didn't want him to have
to pass in that environment, not to speak negative. It
wasn't a negative space at all. It was actually very happy.

(01:06:07):
It was a very beautiful space. The doctors were amazing there,
and it was it was both. It was tough because
it was what we were going through was so difficult,
but they were so they were so amazing there. They
were so positive, their energy was so great. So it
wasn't that it was a dark, scary place. It's just
I wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible. And

(01:06:27):
I know that by him walking in there, he was
like he would be like, oh no, like I'm in
this place again. They're going to take me away from you, mom.
So I didn't want to bring him back there, and
I have to, you know, his last moments be in
a place where he didn't know what was going to
happen to him. So we did it at home and
it was really special that I got to hold him

(01:06:49):
and you know, come for him and be with him.
That was the most important thing to me. I was
I absolutely have to be there, like I have to
be there. And I think he knew and I think
he wanted me to be there, and he waited so
that we could do we could do it together and
we could be together. And it's it's a tough thing,

(01:07:17):
you know, like having to, you know, witness someone die
is not fun, especially him, you know, for me, he
was he was everything to me. And just based off

(01:07:37):
of that experience that I have with him, I know
so many people probably have felt that way, have been
in a similar situation, and I know it's it's really
hard going through that. So I'm grateful for the way
that everything happened with me with Tate. It's so crazy.

(01:08:00):
They know, like they know these spiritual beings. I think
animals they are more spiritual than us. They have so
much more. They have different types of consciousness, I think
than people do. He knew what I needed and he
knew how I needed him to go, and he really

(01:08:21):
did that for me. And it was really even though
it was really tough, it was really also beautiful at
the same time to be able to hold him in
his last moments and he was there for me for
every single moment, and I got to be there for
him in this moment. He didn't feel fear, he didn't
feel pain, he was I held him in my arms

(01:08:44):
and I was you know, we were just I got
to hold him, so he was very I know, he
was comfortable, and I felt that with him, and that's
why I wanted to be there, so I just could
make sure that he felt nothing but comfort and no
pain and just happiness and love like you can feel

(01:09:05):
my love. So that's sort of you know, the story
of Tate and his illness and his cancer and what
you know, sort of what we went through. And you know,
treating cancer is so expensive, even with insurance, and you know,
part of why the Buddy Fund is something that we're

(01:09:27):
so passionate about and why I feel like I want
Tate and Taylor as a brand to be really cause
driven and have an initiative and have a purpose and
have a reason behind it is because of, you know,
what I went through with Tate. I started building Tate
and Taylor with him, not knowing that any of this
would happen, and then before we even got to launch

(01:09:50):
and start the company publicly, I lost him, and it
shifted sort of a lot of the drive and some
of the purpose that we have and having to decide
between having a financial burden and being in a place
where you may or may not be able to financially
care for your pet and those last precious moments, the

(01:10:13):
ones that even I know I got to have a Tait.
Those last few weeks with him were the best weeks
ever in my memory of my life with him, because
he got to come to my wedding. He was back
to himself for a little bit. These like special little
things and times that we shared together. They were so
important in how I was able to heal going forward

(01:10:34):
once I did lose him. So I think being able
to help support people who are going through this with
their pets and go through cancer and that journey and
that path and what that looks like is something I
really I have such a passion for and something I
really want to be able to help because I went

(01:10:55):
through all of this with him, and I know what
that feels like, and I know what that pain is
and how out what that weight feels like, and what
the grief feels like. How can I be there for
other people and how can I help other people who
are going through this so they never have to think
about that? And that's why we picked the Buddy Fund,
just because of the experience that I had with Tate

(01:11:16):
at AMC and so many people I know so many
people who've who've had that experience, and you know, I
spoke with Tate's on collegist, doctor Rachel Lordhal, and you know,
we posted it on the Tate and Taylor Instagram and
I got a couple of comments that were, like, I
love doctor Rachel. She was there for me with with
my with my dog, and you know, she's amazing, and

(01:11:37):
so people feel people feel it from them from that place,
and that fund is so impactful because when you're going
through something like that, to have to worry about whether
or not you can afford care and whether or not
you can even get those extra that extra time and
just see how they're even going to respond to treatment.

(01:11:59):
I mean, I can't even I don't even want to.
Nobody wants to have to go there and make that decision.
So I got so much support when I lost Tate,
and I just want to do everything I can to
support others because I know other people go through this
and there are people in that position, and it breaks
my heart to even think that somebody would have to
go through Yeah, I just I can't. It's hard to

(01:12:23):
verbalize that pain, and I because I can, I can
so clearly visualize what that feeling could be and having
to make that decision, and I got to make it
when I did with Tate, and I'm I'm I'm so
grateful that I was able to do that. And I
just want to be able to share to like give
that back, give that time, give it to others, Like
how can I help give people more time with their soulmates?

Speaker 3 (01:12:49):
I guess Taylor.

Speaker 2 (01:12:51):
Thank you so much for opening up so intimately about
that journey. And I remember seeing the beautiful and amazing
pictures and memories you shared with Tay on social media,
but to hear the actual journey behind it. Just thank
you so much for being so open and giving. And

(01:13:13):
I'm very confident that. I mean, I haven't lost a
pet or a dog, and I don't know what that
feels like. But even just sitting here listening to you,
I know that anyone who has, or anyone who may
do so in the future, will have this to turn
to as a way of connecting with and to humanize

(01:13:35):
their experience and also validate their experience of how deeply
they love this friend in their life. And I wanted
to ask you what would you two questions?

Speaker 3 (01:13:45):
What would you.

Speaker 2 (01:13:49):
For anyone who is grieving the loss of a pet, friend,
a dog, like, what would you want them to know
about the grieving process? And the second question is if
someone has a friend or family member that's going through it,
what would you like them to know in order to
offer help or support to that person.

Speaker 1 (01:14:08):
I would say, if you're going through if you're going
through this loss and you're you know, coping with this
type of grief, I think patience, Just be patient with yourself.
Feel it. You know, grief is like an ocean. Sometimes
it's relentless, Sometimes it's calm. Sometimes the waves are huge

(01:14:29):
and crashing. Sometimes it's completely still and beautiful and peaceful,
and you know you're able to just float. So wherever
you're at, where whatever your ocean is doing, just feel it,
because one moment it'll feel really calm and you'll feel
a sense of perspective, maybe a sense of peace, and

(01:14:50):
then there'll be a memory, or you'll be in a
situation where it brings something back up and then the
waves come crashing in and you know that's okay. Sometimes
you know, I'm I'm almost a year till to the
day that I lost Hat and I'm not fully healed yet,
and I think that's going to take maybe a couple
more years to even feel like I can say I'm

(01:15:12):
healed from that. I don't think I can ever. I
don't think anyone ever necessarily moves on. And I think
if they hear the words move on, don't take that,
let that roll right off you, because that's not what
maybe they mean to move on you. You may never
move on. But to heal is different. You know, to

(01:15:34):
heal a wound that so it no longer opens is
a different thing. And I would say to make sure
that you're doing the steps and taking care of yourself
and the way you need to to heal, because it
is a wound. You know, how would you go about
if you broke your arm? You know, you would go
to the doctor. You would you know, set it in
a cast. You would do all these steps to make

(01:15:56):
sure your arm could work again. So I think that
losing someone is sort of it's it's a wound, it's
in it's an internal wounds, it's a part, it's it
breaks something in our spirit. So it's not something you
can see, but it's something that needs addressing. It's something
that needs help. It needs time. You know, however, you

(01:16:17):
need to do that and whatever your process looks like
to deal with healing just and if you don't know
how to do that, I think talking to someone, I
think anyone. It doesn't even have to be a therapist,
you know, because I know a lot of people like
to say go to therapy people. Some people don't have
access to therapy yet, and that's okay, but talking about it,

(01:16:39):
you know, if there's someone you can relate to, if
you can find anyone in your life who will listen
and help help you grieve, and you know, talk talk
through it with you, writing about it, talking to yourself
about it, if you if you prefer writing or journaling,
or I think there's a couple of different ways to
get started in terms of well, I don't even know

(01:17:00):
how to heal? What does that mean? Taylor? Where do
I start? What's the process? Look like? It's different for everyone?
But I think you know, knowledge is power and learning,
and if you don't know where to start, you can
talk to someone and maybe ask a couple of questions,
or ask yourself questions, or write things out and start
really small and start there and then hopefully, you know,

(01:17:20):
you can start growing on that and expanding on Okay, well,
I this is what it means to heal, this is
this is my process, this is how I'm going to
do this, and you know, find the tools that work
for you and or create the tools that work for you.
Who knows, it's different for everybody. It's different for everybody.
So however that looks like to you, whatever that feels

(01:17:41):
like to you, as long as you're you're doing what
you need to do to ultimately heal from it, I
think that's a really a really great place to start,
is just to start thinking about it from there. Don't
worry about moving on or getting over it, or if
the emotions are stronger sometimes in others, if they can

(01:18:01):
be really unexpected, you know it can it hits you
like a wave some days, and that's okay, feel it,
sit there, right about it, think about it. I mean,
if you want to ignore it for a little bit,
you can, but you know, make sure you're always coming
back to it and acknowledging it and addressing it, and
then you can sort of like let it go and
be like, Okay, I see you, I hear you, I
feel you. We're gonna acknowledge that emotion and then we

(01:18:24):
can let it go, and then I think that's like,
those are really good ways to kind of start healing.

Speaker 3 (01:18:31):
Thank you for sharing that.

Speaker 2 (01:18:32):
And I loved what you were saying about people discovering
their own tools, discovering their own way, not feeling like
there has to be a set formula, and even listening
to this conversation. And I do think I've been encouraging
a lot of my friends to reach out to other
people who've gone through similar experiences, because not that your
healing will look the same, but that it feels necessary

(01:18:57):
to sit with other people who you feel see you here,
you understand you. And my friend told me something beautiful
about grief that I don't think i'll ever forget. They
said to me that grief is like a stone, and
you carry it in your pocket and you'll always notice it,
you'll feel it, you know it's there. But as time

(01:19:21):
goes on, you get stronger, and so as you get stronger,
it's not that the stone goes away. It's just that
it gets lighter, and so it's lighter to carry. But
it doesn't mean it's going away. You didn't move on,
you didn't have to get over it. It doesn't disappear
or it doesn't get smaller, it stays the same. You
just get stronger, so the stone gets lighter. And I

(01:19:42):
really appreciated that idea around grief because it sat true
with me that it didn't have to go away.

Speaker 3 (01:19:50):
I didn't have to let go of it.

Speaker 2 (01:19:52):
I didn't have to forget about it, and that it
would always be there. But just as I grow and
as I strengthen and as I become more resilient, it
becomes lighter and doesn't weigh on me in the same
way as the heavy feeling of grief can in the beginning. Yeah,
and so yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:20:09):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:20:10):
I mean it sounds like you know, you shared with
me before that there was something you wanted to share
with our community here that you hadn't shared before. And
when you mentioned it to me, there's something beautiful, you said,
and it was this idea of how Tate has actually
been with you through.

Speaker 3 (01:20:35):
Another loss in your life.

Speaker 2 (01:20:37):
And that's a journey that you haven't shared before. Could
you walk us through how Tate was your best friend through.

Speaker 3 (01:20:45):
That journey too.

Speaker 1 (01:20:46):
So about three years ago, I had a miscarriage and
I've I've never spoken about it before except for obviously
two people in my life. And you know, my family

(01:21:07):
knows and my close friends know, and I've shared it
with you know, some people, and I do think, you know,
talking about it is an important thing, but you know,
I've never publicly spoken about it or said that I
went through that. And you know, I kind of made
the decision that I since I'm you know, talking about Tate,

(01:21:29):
and I'm you know, starting this business based off of
the love that we have for each other and how
I want to be there for people. He was there
for me in so many ways, and how can I,
you know, share that without sharing something that I went
through that he was there for me for and in
grieving his loss, I'm grieving the shared experiences we've had

(01:21:52):
and learning how to cope cope with something without him
when he was there for me through that time in
my life. I had. It was a really strange circumstance
under which I had my miscarriage. I had an IUD.
I had it for about three years, so I obviously,

(01:22:14):
you know, I wasn't actively trying to get pregnant. I
didn't want to get pregnant at all. I was you know,
engaged to my husband, and you know, we were not
planning on starting a family probably for you know, for
a while. So I wasn't in the headspace at all
to to be pregnant. And you know, I'm not really

(01:22:36):
sure how it happens, because I don't I don't know
how that works. I'm not a doctor, and I I
didn't understand it, and sometimes I still don't under understand it,
because you know, I'm pretty sure I could be wrong
on this. I probably should have looked it up before
I came in here so I could say exactly. But
it's a really small percentage, like a small chance of

(01:22:58):
getting pregnant on an IUD. It's like less than one
percent or something like that, which is still you know,
still a chance, like it can still happen, of course,
but you it's some crazy things happened to someone in there.
It's like that'll never happen to me. It happened to me.
I got pregnant on an IUD, and I was shocked
and I was sad. I didn't want to be pregnant.

(01:23:21):
I wasn't ready to be pregnant. I didn't understand what
it meant to be pregnant with an IUD. I didn't
know what that meant. I didn't know what my journey
with this pregnancy would look like. I was so scared.
I was terrified. And also it was still during COVID,
so my husband was in he wasn't able to be

(01:23:42):
with me. He was in London and he was you know,
kind of not allowed to travel into the US. So
I I've found he was with me in the beginning
of COVID, in the pandemic, but because he's British, you know,
he was on an ESTA and they were getting people
out on tourists visas, so his exception to fly out

(01:24:02):
was so he didn't overstay his ESTA, because that's the
last thing we wanted. We were, you know, planning on
getting married, like we can't get marks on, you know,
all that stuff. So he left the country because he
had to, and so then we were separated and we
were no longer able to be together. Probably I don't
think I saw him for maybe another couple of months

(01:24:22):
after that. So he he wasn't with me when I
found out I was pregnant, and that was really hard
for both of us because all you want to do
when you're going through something like that, as shocking and
unexpected as it was for the both of us, is
to be there with each other. You know, I know

(01:24:42):
he wanted more than anything in the world to hold
my hand, like tell me it's going to be okay,
Like hold me, and you know that's all I wanted
to and I couldn't be with him. And Tate was
with me though, you know he was. We were together,
and I'm so great that I had him physically to
be there with me physically. You know, my husband was

(01:25:05):
there for me in every way that he possibly could be,
but I had the physical connection that that holding, that comforting,
you know, that's something that you need in that space.
I it was breaking both of our hearts that we
didn't have that you know, couldn't do that, and I
think it both gave us like comfort knowing that I
had take with me for that. You know, I had

(01:25:27):
to go to my doctor's appointments alone. I you know,
went in to make sure that I didn't have and
what's called an ectopic pregnancy, which is when the embryo
attaches itself in the fillipian tube. My pregnancy was in
my uterus, so it was viable, it was technically healthy,
but the circumstances in the environment on which I got

(01:25:50):
which I conceived was a bit of a turbulent environment.
So you know, my doctor said, we don't really know
what's going to happen here, because you know, you can
see in an environment where your body is telling you
you shouldn't be pregnant because of the IUD, because of
the hormones the idea is putting into your body. And
also if we remove it, then you know we're changing

(01:26:13):
again the environment on which you conceived. So you know,
it's we don't know fifty to fifty of whether or
not you're gonna you know, carry this out. So it
was really just a waiting game to see if it
would stick or not. And I was given a couple

(01:26:34):
of markers of you know, come back at about six
and a half weeks and we can do internal ultrasound
and you know, check everything out and see how it's going.
So you know, I'm I'm waiting another week or so.
I go back in they do the internal ultrasound or
able to like hear a heartbeat, and you know, at

(01:26:56):
this point, I'm like, oh my gosh, like what is
happening to me? This is so crazy. I'm going through
all these things. I have a photo, I have the
picture you know of the ultrasound, like that's so great.
It was like this big you know what I mean.
And so I'm at a place in my life where okay,
maybe I wasn't planning to get pregnant, and I wasn't

(01:27:19):
I wasn't ultimately excited about it. At first. I was scared,
not excited. I was shocked, I was confused, I was
feeling fear. I wasn't feeling joy. But at the same time,
I'm going to marry this person. I'm in love with
this person. I want to have a family with this person.
I'm twenty was I twenty five or was I twenty four?

(01:27:43):
I think I was twenty five. I'm twenty five. That's
still young. But you know it's I feel somewhat ready
if I was to have a child. Okay, So I'm
going to start getting in the headspace now of I
think I'm gonna if this pregnancy sticks around, like I'm
gonna have a child, Okay, Oh gosh. So it's like
I'm coming to so many different so many terms of

(01:28:04):
acceptance here where I'm just like, okay, but I can't
get too excited because we don't know what's going to happen.
I have to pass all of these milestones to make
sure if this is going to be a healthy pregnancy
or not. So I get to about roughly nine weeks,
and you know, she's like, okay, well we're getting closer.
You know, she's optimistic that this could be happening. You know,

(01:28:25):
usually it's about twelve to fourteen weeks when you start
telling people. So I'm like, oh my god, it's getting closer,
like maybe this is going to happen. And I'm starting
to accept that this is going to happen. It's still
really early though, so of course not too excited. I'm
not at that that check mark yet. And then I

(01:28:50):
start spotting, but it was it was like it wasn't
bright red, it wasn't blood yet. And so then the
doctor was like, well that it's normal. Sometimes that happens,
you know, there's spotting with pregnancy. It's just your body adjusting.
So oh, we'll just keep an eye on it. In
about a week goes by, and and then I start

(01:29:11):
seeing what looks like fresh blood and that's this, you know,
that's what she told me to look out for. And
that's like kind of the early signs and of what
ultimately will be a miscarriage, so that starts happening, and
you know, I'm I'm alone in my house, and you know,
at least I have tate with me, and I call

(01:29:34):
my husband and you know, I'm just devastated because I
know that this is about to happen to me. And
we're both crying and he's I could just tell he
was so heartbroken that he couldn't be there. I think
that was really painful for him too, you know, for

(01:29:55):
both of us. And I've never spoken about it either,
so like to the sixth done, so I I have
with my family. So this is also new for me
to do this. It's like reprocessing again. I'm going through
the physical reaction of having the miscarriage. And it takes

(01:30:19):
some time, like you know, what's happening. While it's happening,
it doesn't just like happen and then it's done like
it's It takes a long time. It can be painful.
It feels like a period cramps, but like your worst
period cramps you've ever had, and you know, ultimately it passes.
And I have to make all these doctors, doctor's appointments.
I I have to, you know, make sure everything's Okay,

(01:30:44):
make sure I'm healthy and all that. So, you know,
right after dealing with with this loss, you have to
click into this motive I have to do all these things,
and I have to make sure I do this, and
I do that, and logistics of getting to the doctor
and like making sure and checking and making sure it
was clean and everything that needed to pass past. So

(01:31:08):
you know, I kind of went into take care of
it mode, and I just remember feeling so confused because
it was really just like a rollercoaster of emotion of
I didn't I didn't even know. I didn't even want this.

(01:31:29):
I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't planning on having a child.
I was doing to the best of my ability. You know,
the IUD is one of the best forms of birth control,
one of the most efficient forms of birth control, and
you know, I I was very confused. I was like,

(01:31:49):
why is this happening? This is so wild. I can't believe.
I can't believe this. I didn't I didn't want to
miss be pregnant. And then okay, I make past a
couple of checkpoints and I'm starting to feel a little like,
oh gosh, it's going to happen. I'm starting to process
emotions of coming to terms with this, like you do

(01:32:14):
get excited. I wasn't allowing myself to get fully excited
or to like be too optimistic about it. I tried
to stay as neutral as I possibly could, but it's
it's difficult. You know, you can't you can't control some
of these things. I mean, this is what I'm feeling.
So you know, I was like, Okay, well, oh my gosh,
like is this happening? Like whoa? So then there's a
little bit of excitement, and then you know, some joy

(01:32:36):
because like I want a family, I'm excited to have children,
and then I lose the pregnancy. You know, it was
early still like when I lost it, so I wasn't
luckily fully in the headspace of, oh my god, this
is one hundred percent happening. So in terms of the timeline,

(01:32:58):
I am really grateful that I hadn't come to terms
with it yet. But I was still really confused because
I was like whoa, processing this emotion of feeling like
I don't even want this to maybe this is happening,
and feeling some excitement and maybe some joy and then lost.
It was so strange and it was just all the things.

(01:33:18):
You know, It was really just two things can be
true at once. Kind of a thing where you feel
these emotions that are one is honestly even with some
time and some space now and some perspective relief. Wow,
the timing wasn't right. You know, everything happens for a reason.

(01:33:40):
I wasn't ready to be a mother, I wasn't ready
to have a child. I'm absolutely devastated. I'm not a
mother and I don't have a child. Well, that makes
no sense. How can you feel both of those things?
I don't know. They both sit once it's on this
set of my brain and once it's on this side
of the brain, and they fight with each other. And
I don't And it took me a really long time

(01:34:02):
to understand how to deal with that. I don't know
how to talk about this. How do I make this
make sense? And I think in terms of you know, miscarriages,
sometimes they don't make sense, not it doesn't make any sense.
And I think a lot of women go through that.
I think it's something like one in three women experience miscarriage,

(01:34:24):
so and some women multiple and some women who've never
had one, like myself. You know, when I first got pregnant.
It's like this, you have this sort of you don't
know that that's a possibility, right, So it's it's like, oh,
it can be really exciting. And I think a lot
of women when they get pregnant for the first time

(01:34:44):
feel excited and optimistic and hopeful and oh my god,
I'm going to have a child right away. So the
blow of a miscarriage is so devastating. Wait a minute,
what I didn't what happened? I thought I was having
a try Everyone has a baby. How do people have babies?
Like this is crazy? How is this happening? To be

(01:35:07):
pregnant is such a complicated thing. It's so wild, the
fact that we can even get pregnant, you know. And
I think it really helped me feel less alone, knowing
that it was something that was quite common and that
a lot of women do go through it, and it
just it. But then you know something that I felt

(01:35:33):
that was difficult to hear in the very beginning that
being said, when I did very first lose my pregnancy,
it was like, well, you know, don't worry, this happens
to a lot of people. You're not alone. It was like,
I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to hear.
This happens all the time, like you know, I was
so upset. I was like, what do you mean? So

(01:35:53):
I shouldn't feel upset that this happened to me, because
it happens to a lot of people. So I'm trying. Sorry,
I'm trying to articulate, and it's a very difficult thing
to articulate, specifically because I think it is very intricate
and it can be very difficult and complicated to speak
about something like that. So because there's so many powerful,

(01:36:16):
really you know, strong emotions that are happening in your
physical body and in your emotional self as well. So
I was always torn with they're trying to help me
by saying this, but it didn't help me to hear that.
So if I'm saying that now three years later, I
do have perspective and it did eventually become helpful to
hear I'm not alone. One in three women have miscarriages.

(01:36:41):
This happens to people. It's going to be okay. If
someone's listening and they're not ready to hear that, I
feel that I've been there, like, no, this sucks. It
sucks that one in three women go through it. It
sucks that it's something that we have to deal with.
Sometimes you need to hear that, you know. So I've

(01:37:02):
been in a place and I've been in positions where
I needed to feel both like I'm mad, I'm confused,
why is this happening to me? Why is my body
doing this? I felt a sense of failure. I felt
a sense of betrayal of my own body, of my
own self. I felt like and I wanted to feel
those things. I didn't want to hear, Well, it happens

(01:37:23):
to one in three women. I'm like, I'm mad at myself.
Like it's okay, It's okay to be mad at yourself.
You don't have to get over it right away and
accept that it happens to one in three women. So
wherever you're at in you know your journey of dealing
with these emotions and processing. You know, I've felt those things.

(01:37:45):
I've been angry, I've felt confused, I felt relief, I
felt pain, and none of it made any sense. I
was like, what how do I how do I deal
with this? And again, you know, it's it goes back
to sort of something similar and when I lost Tate,
I just sort of started talking to people. I spoke

(01:38:06):
to one of my best friends in the whole world,
and I with the day it happened, I just sobbed
to her and she held me, you know, and you
know she experienced this loss as well, not shortly after me.
And I think that when I knew she was going

(01:38:28):
through what I had been through, and she held me
and I held her and we were talking about it
with each other. I think that's when I got to
a place when I was starting ready to hear this
happens to one in three women, and then I wanted
to learn about it more and understand the technical reasons
why this happens. And you know, it's not my fault.

(01:38:50):
My body didn't fail me. You know, it wasn't a
viable pregnancy, it wasn't healthy, it wasn't meant to happen.
I don't I'll never really know why it happened. It
could be a multitude of things. I got priden on
an iud you know, that's probably number one reason why
I didn't come come to fruition. So you know, I

(01:39:12):
did have some things to ground me in my grief
of Okay, well, this happened because of this reason. Some
women don't get that answer, and they don't know why,
and maybe it happens them a lot later in their pregnancies.
And there's so many different levels and variations of what
it means to have a miscarriage, and so many different
variables and versions of what a miscarriage looks like and

(01:39:33):
what a miscarriage feels like. To those people, all I
can say is my own personal experience and all the
things I was feeling during that time, and know that,
you know, three years later, I have so much more perspective,
and I've given myself so much time to heal from that,

(01:39:57):
and it no longer feels like an open, gaping wound.
It feels like a scar. It's definitely still with me.
There's a mark there. It happened to me. It's more
of a you know, another mark on my spirit maybe,
But I have perspective from it, I have healing from it.

(01:40:21):
I really feel like I gave myself a lot of
time to feel everything I know I needed to feel
for myself. And I think it's important for other women
to hear from others that it's something that we go through.
And I didn't know if I would ever publicly talk

(01:40:43):
about it. But you know, I lost Tate and I'm
talking about grief and he was such a huge part
of my journey and my life and he helped me
deal with grief and he's been a huge part of
you know, my mental health and being there for me.
And I think there's something there with you know, having
that can to an animal and mental health and what
they can do for our mental health. I mean, there's

(01:41:05):
therapy dogs for a reason and horse therapy, and there's
a reason why people connect to animals so strongly, and
there's something there and there's something that's healing and being
around them, you know, and he was such a huge
part of that healing, and in losing him, it did
it did hurt me in that area that previous injury
in my spirit that I had from the miscarriage. It

(01:41:28):
was someone that was with me so closely and so
deeply for something so difficult is no longer here. I
can no longer hold him, and you know, feel comforted
from the wave of emotions that maybe come back from
having this, having the miscarriage, So you know, it's it's

(01:41:48):
all connected, and you know, sometimes it can be painful
and it can be hurtful and even though it's a
it is a scar on me now and it's what
I feel healed and I feel optimistic and I've I've
grown a lot from it, and you know, do you
feel like I've kind of come out on the other

(01:42:09):
side of going through that. It's still a tender spot,
you know what I mean. It's like if it's poked,
it kind of hurts. It's like, oh, that was that's
from that, you know, you know, I can only I
have never I've never broken a bone, crazy enough as
it is, so I can imagine it's maybe similar to
if you break a bone in your body, it's still
hurts maybe later in life, and you feel aches and

(01:42:29):
pains and all of these things. So it's it's an
injury that I've feel like my spirit's endured and it's
still there, but I've really worked through it and worked
through healing, and I think there's a light at the
end of the tunnel in terms of if you're going
through through that. It takes time, and who knows. Maybe

(01:42:50):
now I maybe I think I'm heeled, and I'm maybe
fully not. I don't know. I feel confident and comfortable
enough to speak about it, so maybe that's a layer
and a step towards, like towards healing. Maybe we're never
fully done healing and growing from things. I mean, we're
never done growing. We grow forever, never and never until
the day we die. So it might evolve and it

(01:43:12):
might change going forward, and you know, it might continue
and shift, and I can maybe look back on where
I'm at today and think I still had some work
to do and I wasn't aware of it yet. So
you know, we'll kind of we'll see where it goes.
But you know, kind of where I'm at now is
this is the headspace that I'm in. I feel comfortable

(01:43:33):
and you know, confident enough to sort of talk about
it and talk about you know, what happened and share
it and hope that others can maybe connect with it
and feel not alone. I know it's it can feel isolating,
especially if there's no one in your life that's been
through it and you don't feel like you have somebody
to connect to. So hopefully it just helps. And I

(01:43:57):
feel like that's kind of why I wanted to share
that was just because you know, the many layers of
grief and in my loss, I've felt lost before, and
I lost someone that went through me, through that loss
with me, So I kind of just wanted to touch
on both of those things just because I know they
can be It's something that a lot of people go through,

(01:44:17):
losing a pet, losing a loved one, and then obviously,
you know, losing a pregnancy and going through a miscarriage.

Speaker 2 (01:44:24):
And so thank you for the courage and bravery to
share that with us here today for the first time
publicly beyond friends and family. And when I was listening
to Taylor, I was just thinking, like, I appreciate just
the level of complexity and layers that you're willing to

(01:44:44):
kind of look at this from, whether it's personally, others, everyone.
I mean, I was saying to you that I've had
multiple friends in the last two to three years who've
all experienced a miscarriage, and I to them and I'll
hear from them, and I see so much just stress,

(01:45:07):
overwhelmed pressure, self degradation, like you know, just negative self
talk like there's it's it's it's one of the hardest
things to go through. Even if everyone goes through as
you say, not everyone, but so many people go through it,
it doesn't make it any easier. And often actually, like
you said, it makes you so lonely that you don't

(01:45:27):
want to talk to anyone about it, and it's it's
not comforting to know other people have gone through it.
And I wonder, in that lonely phase, like what was
it that did help you? And even when your friend
went through it, what allowed you to be there for
each other in a way that was comforting and helpful
rather than felt uncomfortable and unhealthy.

Speaker 1 (01:45:51):
I needed to be alone. I need to like, I
needed to feel it, I needed to in it. I
didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want
people want to be there for you. And that's really
special and that's really helpful, but I didn't want people

(01:46:12):
to be there for me yet. I wasn't ready for
people to be like, oh, I'm so sorry, or you know,
because people don't know what to say sometimes when it
comes to grief or loss. Sometimes I don't know what
to say either. I have no idea on how to
react to some things, still having experienced my own version

(01:46:35):
of grief. How do you be there for somebody? It's
a difficult thing. I mean, I didn't know how I
needed well, I didn't know what I needed from people.
I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to
be alone. I didn't want anyone to know because I

(01:46:57):
didn't want people to talk to me about it or
say things to me, because I just wasn't ready to
hear it yet. And the way that I think I
told people that were really really close to me. Really
my husband obviously knew because it happened to him too,
and my two best friends knew. And the way that

(01:47:21):
I feel like they were there for me because they
didn't know what to say. They didn't say anything. They
were there for me physically. They held me, they let
me cry. I just sat there and I cried and
said nothing and they just held my hand and were
like just sat there with me and like let me cry.

(01:47:44):
They didn't ask me questions. They didn't ask me how
I felt. They didn't ask they didn't say anything to me, like,
they didn't say everything happens for a reason, don't worry,
like you'll feel one day, da da da. They didn't
go into that because they know me so well, they
probably knew that I didn't want to hear that yet.

(01:48:05):
They just were there and they listened when I was
ready to talk. And then because I wasn't ready. They
just let me emote and they just let me cry
and they cried, and I could tell because I was hurt.
They were hurt. You know. When I finally got to

(01:48:27):
my husband and we were together, he just held me.
We both cried and he just held me, and you know,
I held him too, because I think that's another thing,
is another layer on top of it is even though
it physically happened to me and emotionally it was something
that I experienced, it was it was an individual experience

(01:48:48):
to myself. Emotionally, it's something that it's a loss that
happened to him as well. He also thought potentially he
would be having a child, So we were both grieving something.
We were both grieving the loss of this. We were
both feeling this weird sense of relief at the same
time and then immediately guilty because we felt relief, and

(01:49:08):
then immediately anger because we felt guilt. And you know
what I mean, It's just it's relentless, these emotions. When
it's fresh, you know, you feel literally every single one
that's on the rainbow. Of all the colors we felt,
we felt all of them. And I think when it
was the very beginning I think for me, it was
just holding the people holding me, you know, being in

(01:49:33):
just being in the space with me. They didn't have
to say anything if they didn't know what to say,
you know, and when we did sort of start talking
about it, we first started saying, this sucks. I can't
believe this is happening.

Speaker 2 (01:49:56):
You know.

Speaker 1 (01:49:56):
It was if I was feeling angry, then they would
be angry with me. If I was if I was sad,
then they were sad with me. So it was amazing.
They were amazing at being there for me in those ways.
And you know, I think it is difficult to know

(01:50:16):
what to say and how to be there for someone,
but I think following them and how they're reacting is
also really good. Like taking the cue from how they're
responding is a good way to respond back to someone.
And you know, checking in, you know, my friends that
knew checked in with me, how are you feeling today?

(01:50:37):
You know, And then if I didn't want to talk
about they were like, okay, let me know when you
are ready, you know, so just you know, they were
checking in, you know, making sure. And then you know,
my best friend, she who she experienced us as well.
She continues to check in with me. You know, this

(01:50:57):
is three years later and we still talk about it.
Oh my gosh, Like, can you believe it? You would
have a three year old. I'm like, I know, And
it's just we we get to have these moments together
of we would both have a three year old right now.
That's and we think about that and we deal with
that and we grieve them. We grieve the loss of
that potential and that direction and life, you know, that

(01:51:21):
thread that didn't happen in this path. So female friendships
are incredible and they're beautiful, and I think it's really
important for women to have women in their life that
they can they can go to and they can talk
to you about these things because we can relate to
each other in other ways that I think, you know,

(01:51:42):
I couldn't get from my husband, and being able to
go to her was so special and really helpful. So
I just I think also have patience with yourself, and
if you know someone who's going through that, have patience
with them because it's a rollercoaster. And you know, she

(01:52:06):
was my friend, she was going through this too, and
I was feeling emotions and I was feeling heartbroken because
I know because she was heartbroken, so I was feeling
emotions as well, and I just have to be patient
because it's happening to her so at her pace, at
her time, when she's ready, when she wants to hear,

(01:52:28):
when she wants to talk about it, we can. And
we both kind of just we both shared that understanding
with each other.

Speaker 2 (01:52:37):
Something powerful, really powerful that you said was I wasn't
ready for someone to be there for me yet. And
I think that's such a really remarkable insight. As I
was listening to I was thinking, often when we see
people who are struggling, because their struggle causes us discomfort,

(01:52:59):
we want to it for them. And so if I'm
speaking to a friend who is like, oh, you know,
my friend's going through this, and my partner's going through this,
and they're spiraling, and we're so uncomfortable with their discomfort
that we want to fix it to relieve our own discomfort,
not realizing that that person may need to feel and
experience all of it and to let it all out

(01:53:21):
in their own way. And I love what you just
said of I just wasn't ready for someone to be
there for me yet, And I think that's a great
note for all of us to ask ourselves, like am
I ready for someone to be there for me yet?
And if I'm trying to help someone, are they truly
ready for me to be there for them? And one

(01:53:44):
of the things that I've seen and you mentioned as
well when we were talking, this idea about how there's
so much pressure also on the couple. So there's you're
both individually dealing with loss and grief. There's like a
dynamic that you go through with each other because you're

(01:54:05):
both at different spaces of healing, You're both at different timelines,
the waves come differently. It's affected both of you, but
then you're both trying to be there for each other.
Like it's quite a unique relations it's quite a unique situation.
Walk us through how you navigated that overwhelming pressure and
feeling together as well, and what did it take to reconnect?

(01:54:27):
And I mean, I don't even think it's finding normalcy.
It's like evolving. But what does that look like?

Speaker 1 (01:54:35):
I mean, my husband is so kind, he's so he's
very he's very gentle, he's very he's very understanding. He
knows I'm an emotional person. He knows I feel things deeply,
like heavily, and he knows that I was distraught. You know,

(01:55:01):
he could see that I was. I'm even I'm even
feeling it now, you know, just all these different things
all at the same time, and he's a supportive partner
to me. And I think what was really helpful for

(01:55:23):
us was, you know, I think he had a really
great understanding and he's he was so wonderful during those
times for me. He I think for him, he understood, Okay,
this is something that he's like, Okay, I'm I'm feeling.

(01:55:47):
I also can't speak for him obviously, because this these
this this is his. These are his feelings and his
journey as well. So I'm as I'm saying this, it's
more just like collectively what you know, we both went through.
It was the shared experience that I'm touching on and
things that he did say and express to me. So

(01:56:10):
you know, I felt that he had a really great
understanding of, you know, the equal amount of heartbreak of loss.
You know, he was feeling that too, and we got
we had a shared experience in that, and I think
he also a really great understanding of this is physically
happening to her as well as it is emotionally happening.

(01:56:31):
To her, he knew it would take me longer to
gain perspective, to start my healing process, to you know,
be able to adjust or you know, process my emotions,
just because I think, you know, he said to me,
you know, whatever I feel like i'm feeling, I know

(01:56:52):
you're feeling a tenfolds. I know what you are going
through is a physical reaction in your body of change,
and then the change of becoming pregnant, the change of
losing that pregnancy, the emotional change from all of those things.

(01:57:13):
So for us, it was really helpful that he was
super understanding, and you know, he's really great at navigating
emotion as well. And I think it was helpful for
me when he talked about it with me, when he

(01:57:33):
would say things like today is the day it happened,
and he's reminding me and he's the one talking about it.
It makes me feel less alone that he still remembers it,
that he still carries it with him, because sometimes, you know,
just because it's we've had some time and we've had

(01:57:54):
some distance, I know I carry this with me forever.
You know, I know I will, because this happened to
me in more ways than one, and I worry sometimes
you know or I did that, Well, maybe he won't
feel that way, like maybe he'll move on fast, or
maybe he'll forget about it, maybe all these things and
and then you feel sad and you know, different emotions

(01:58:18):
around that, and like, I know that that can be
really complicated in a dynamic of loss of their moving on.
Oh they're forgetting about this, they're not talking about this anymore.
So for me, what was really helpful is because I
know that he went through this too. I love that
he checks in with me. I love that he talks
about it with me. I love that he also says
things like can you believe we would maybe have had

(01:58:40):
a three year old? Oh? My god, do you think
about that too? It made me feel so seen, like
so heard, and that he sees me all the time.
You know, he sees when people We've been married for
almost a year now, so he sees when people make

(01:59:03):
comments like, oh, when you guys gonna have kids? Or
are you thinking about having kids? And people ask you know,
it's a harmless question, and I understand why people ask it,
and it's it's I'm not angry that people ask that question.
I think it's part of society. You know, people want
to talk about it. You know, people are excited about
having starting families. If we want to start a family,
which we do, and we've spoken with our friends that

(01:59:24):
we would want to have a family one day. So
I understand why they're asking us those questions. But not
everybody knows that I went through this, and at that time,
I mean, now maybe everybody everybody will know I went
through this way. I wasn't ready for everybody to know
that I was going through this, and I had to
deal with those questions internally, and it was painful to

(01:59:46):
hear those questions. You know, people would make comments because
a lot of my friends had babies during COVID, and
everyone was like, oh, you know, everyone had all these babies,
you know, during COVID, and everyone was getting pregnant and
I did and I was pregnant and I didn't have
a baby. So I would hear comments like that. I
would hear things like that. Oh. Also people assume that

(02:00:07):
maybe I have had a kid and they just don't
know yet. Oh did you have a kid? Were you
one of those girls during COVID that had a kid.
And I'm like, god, I know what you mean. When
you're saying that, but you have no idea. No, I'm not.
I guess I'm not. So he would sort of see
me and like see that I was dealing with that

(02:00:28):
internally and trying to process socializing and you know, navigating
these comments because it's nobody's fault that they're asking it,
you know, it's it's just normal, it's just life, right,
So I have to I do have to grow from this.
I have to be able to handle this. I have

(02:00:49):
to be able to talk about this again. I do
have to be able to be okay. And I wasn't
always okay. And I think he saw that I wasn't
always okay, and I could tell that he was hurt
when I was hurt. I could tell that he he
was feeling what I was feeling, you know. And I
also shared it with him too, because people can't read
your mind. You know. This is my partner, this is

(02:01:10):
my life partner. This is the person that I decided
that I want to spend life with and do life with.
So I have to do life with them, right, So
I have to make a point to share Today I'm
feeling extra bad because it's the week of my miscarriage.
It's the anniversary week. I'm not going to feel good

(02:01:31):
this week. You know, I say that, I expressed that
he cannot read my mind. He has no idea what
I'm feeling unless I'm saying it. So, you know, I
it's a two way street that I share with him
and that he sees me and he understands me. So
and he does. He's really great at understanding how I emote.

(02:01:53):
You know, my tells my you know, physical things that
maybe I do, or he's like, she's nervous, she's up
that I could tell she's holding back tears right now.
He helps remove me from the said situation, you know,
So learning each other and sharing with each other, and
he knows those things and he's been able to learn

(02:02:13):
those things because I've shared them with him and I've
shown him and told him, and vice versa. He's shared
with me and told me and shown me how I
can care and love and be there for him. So
I think just for a couple in this scenario, however,
you're dealing with the loss of a pregnancy or a child,

(02:02:34):
because I know people can see in many different ways
and there's a lot of stress in starting a family
on multiple different types of relationships and partners and spouses
and how you're going about it and how you're dealing
with and what you're going through and you know what
you're doing with each other and how you're your journey
with with that is is unique to you, to your

(02:02:56):
both of your situations, and the way that you guys
communicate with each other is important. And learning each other
and asking for something is there's no there's nothing wrong
with asking for something and then they're able to adjust
and do that for you. So I feel like that's
something that I've learned as well, is being open and

(02:03:18):
making sure I'm sharing. And you know, he's really great
at just innately because we've known each other and we're
we're we love each other's he's good at, you know,
knowing and figuring out those little things that I do
for himself and just seeing me. But also I've shared
a lot with him, and he listens and he adapts
and he changes for those things for me and does

(02:03:40):
those things for me. So I think that communication is
probably the number one most important thing and also the
most difficult thing. I know. Communicating is so difficult. How
do you be vulnerable? How do you share these things?
Am I ready to talk about this. I want to
say this, and you know, I don't know. I think,

(02:04:00):
just say it and ask for it and communicate it,
because again, you know, they may have no idea that
that's even going on in your head and they have
something completely different going on in their head.

Speaker 3 (02:04:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:04:13):
No, it's so true, and I appreciate you sharing that
because I think a lot of people are both dealing
with the grief and then they're dealing with the loss
of the relationship they had and the one they thought
they were going to have when they had a child
together as well, and so communications at the core and
the heart of all of that, because it's so multi
layed and so complex, Taylor, as I was listening to you,

(02:04:37):
and I asked this question very sensitively, and I ask
it in order to hopefully help people who are listening.

Speaker 3 (02:04:43):
As well, like where.

Speaker 2 (02:04:46):
How do you rEFInd the confidence to want to think
about a family again and try again? Because and I
ask it very sincerely and sensitively thinking about people listening
who are like I don't think I can ever Tryga,
because it was so pain and that's generally a human
reaction to pain. If it was so painful, I can't
go there again, Yet I have this desire to have

(02:05:07):
a family, Like, how for you do you know when
you're ready to think about it again even or open
up to the idea.

Speaker 1 (02:05:14):
I know I want one. I don't think i've I
don't think i'm very I haven't. I don't know actually
if I've confronted that for myself. You know, I don't
think i've I've gone there where. One day I'm going
to be trying to have a family and you know,
maybe that stick is going to say pregnant. Is it

(02:05:36):
going to bring back all these emotions? And how am
I going to deal with that again? Oh gosh, I
have no idea because you know, I'm not there yet.
I'm still not ready for a child and and I'm
not ready to think about it, and I'm not ready
to start having a family, and I don't know when
that is. And you know a lot of people who've
had children are like, you'll never know. The timing's never

(02:05:57):
right all this stuff and everyone's journey is different, and
that I have no plan. I have no timeline of
when I'm going to start a family, when I'm going
to do that, how I'm going to do it? I
don't know and I also have no idea what I'm
about to confront when I start trying again. You know,

(02:06:18):
is it going to be really easy? Am I going?
Is it going to be fine? Did this scenario happen
to me simply because of the IUD? Or well I
experience this again because you know, a pregnancy is a
new organism in your body. It's like a technically I
don't know it's I could only I think of it
maybe as almost like a bacteria. That's like it's introducing

(02:06:39):
like a new thing inside of your body. And a
miscarriage is a rejection of that, your body being like
that shouldn't be here, what is this? This is new?
And sometimes it takes time to a job. Your body
has to be like, oh, that's what that is. So
maybe it takes a couple of tries, and you know
that's why your body is doing that. I don't know
why my body did that. Probably the most likely, if

(02:07:01):
doctors are listening, they'll probably be like, oh, it's the IUD.
That's why I was like, Okay, okay, fine, that's why.
But I guess I'll sort of I maybe I'll be
able to speak on that more when I'm in the
headspace of actively trying or if and when I do
have a child, like to be able to touch on
that again. But I think I'm nervous, you know, I

(02:07:22):
do have fears about getting to that stage in my life,
and I'm worried about what I'm going to start feeling
when I am pregnant again. I want to enjoy the process.
I want to be you know, excited, I want to
feel all of those things. But unfortunately, because of what
I've I went through, I know that in the beginning
I won't. I'll feel fear. I'm going to be afraid.

(02:07:43):
I know I'm going to be scared. I know I'm
going to have like anxiety about it until who knows when,
maybe the entire pregnancy. I don't know, But I know
I've been through this before. I I know I can
handle this. I'm stronger because of this. If it happens
to me again, I'm going to be okay. You know,

(02:08:07):
look at how far I've come, look at what I
how I handled this, like what we went through like.
I have confidence in that at least, But I also
I have no idea what that is going to look
like for me until I start doing that, or until
it happens. So you know, I would I would say

(02:08:29):
for me, how I can rationalize it is I'm stronger
because of this I've handled I've been through this this thing,
and I've I've dealt with something that was really difficult
for me personally to go through and I came out
the other side. Whether or not I'm fully done yet,

(02:08:51):
we don't know. We'll we'll figure it out when we
get there. But right now, all I can say is
I feel confident that I'm I know I'm gonna be okay.
No matter what, I'm going to be okay. I can
get through anything. I can do this. Like I have
a great support in my husband and my family and
my friends. They were all there for me. They showed

(02:09:12):
their love and support. I was there for me. I
was there for myself. I showed up, you know. So
I know I can show up for myself. I know
I can be there. I know I can pick myself
back up again and start walking and make it, you know,
make those steps towards healing again. So we're resilient as people,
as humans, and having faith in our resilience and in

(02:09:34):
our strength and in our ability to find healing and
find growth. I think we forget and we doubt ourselves
sometimes that we can do that, we can do, we
can get through that.

Speaker 3 (02:09:47):
Thank you for such an honest answer.

Speaker 2 (02:09:48):
I feel like I feel like a lot of people
will be able to resonate and connect with that, this
idea of I don't know, let's see when I get
that done, even if I'm ready to answer that question.
And I think I think people listening to that will
a sense of relief because I think that naterally, again,
like you said, when you go through it, you have
to get into tactical mode of how do we make
sure it's done and clean and everything's okay? And then

(02:10:09):
we get into okay, how do I start? And it's
you almost don't give yourself that space. So thank you
so much for giving everyone space by even having that answer.
It's really beautiful and powerful to hear.

Speaker 3 (02:10:21):
Taylor.

Speaker 2 (02:10:21):
You've been so gracious and kind with your time today,
with your energy, with your soul, like I really feel
like you've led us in which is so kind. I
really hope you feel we've honored Tait and given a
chance for you to express your love for Tate and
also honored your experiences.

Speaker 3 (02:10:39):
And you know, I feel like with your whole career
and everything.

Speaker 2 (02:10:46):
It's almost like I find that, you know, when you've
been modeling from such a young age and you've been
in the public eye, like so much of your career
becomes about your looks, your age, your you know, those
things become big and as you transform and evolve as
a human too, as you're starting you know, Titan Taylor,
and you're starting a company, or you started a company

(02:11:08):
that's doing all this incredible purposeful work and you built
a content platform and a platform where people can find
amazing products, amazing services, amazing partnerships for their pets and
their dogs and everything else.

Speaker 3 (02:11:20):
Like, walk us through.

Speaker 2 (02:11:22):
How you see that evolution for yourself of coming from
an indust in a space that is defined by these
external things of looks and age and fitness and everything,
and then finding your path through that.

Speaker 1 (02:11:33):
Now, yeah, I think, you know, they really play such
a big role with each other. I think why I
even wanted to start Tate and Taylor and start a
business and be in the pet space. Obviously, I have
a huge passion for animals and dogs, Like this is
so much more to me than just a company. I'm
doing this because this is absolutely, one hundred percent. Like
the thing I love most in the world is my

(02:11:54):
dog Tait and my dog Salem. I have now too,
and they're just so incredible and amazing and they change.
They've changed my life in so many ways. And even
Salem now has impack in my life and so many
different ways than Tate did. And I'm so excited about
the journey and the life that I'm going to live
with him and the things he's about to teach me

(02:12:15):
and show me. And I don't think I would even
be able to know how to do that and build
something with intention and purpose if I hadn't had my
career before. You know, I started modeling when I was fourteen.
I don't have a traditional education in that sense, but

(02:12:36):
I've learned so much from my job and from working
at a young age and traveling the world and having
so many experiences. I feel like I learned by doing,
and you know, by being able to see how things work,
and you know, people producing fashion collections and watching them
make the clothes on me to walking in the fashion

(02:12:58):
show and seeing how things are done is really interesting.
And being a part of a photo shoot and all
the different areas and everyone has a different job and
seeing how it all comes together and how everybody works
and all the puzzle pieces kind of like you know,
as I'm sure you know, it's just like it's interesting
and there's a lot of different layers to what goes

(02:13:18):
into something like a photo shoot or you know, a
campaign or a video or a movie or you know,
a fashion show. And it was really fun and exciting
for me to witness and see those things and do
those things. And you know, I think modeling has been
it is a lot about It is about physically what

(02:13:39):
I look like. One hundred percent, like I'm a model
because of how I look. I know that. So it's
an interesting thing to go from. You know, I'm here
because of how I look, but also I feel like,
after a certain extent, I'm still here because of who
I am, and I'm still hearing people continue hopefully to

(02:13:59):
work with me because we have fun together and we
build relationships and they get to know me, and it
becomes more than just this you know, surface transaction of
she looks a certain way, she fits the bill physically
of what we're looking for, so we're going to book her.
I think after fourteen years, you know, you start knowing
people and establishing relationships and becoming friends with people in

(02:14:20):
the industry, and then people want to work with you
because they like you, they like hanging out with you.
It's like a lot of industries, you know what I mean.
The more you are in it, the more you do it,
the more friends you make, the more connections you feel
like you have with people, and the less it becomes
about how you look, and it becomes a lot about
who you are actually. Like the my interpretation of my

(02:14:41):
career in modeling, I feel like it's been with people
that I enjoy working with, and I get to work
with them again and again and again, and I love that.
I love that I now know so many people in
the industry. And every time I get a call sheet,
not every time, but I get these call sheets and
I see who's going to be on set and I'm like,
oh my god, I haven't seen this person and you know,
however many years, and I'm so excited to work with

(02:15:02):
them again and do that. So to me, it's maybe
it starts off that way, and modeling is about the
way that I look and how I physically am, But
then I think it becomes a lot deeper than that. So,
you know, people establishing those connections with me as like
taught me how to to grow and you know, and

(02:15:24):
change and just they've taught me so much about life
and different different backgrounds and different people and different things.
So you know, I learned so much from it and
I've grown so much from it, and you know, wanting
to start my own business. I feel like I'm able
to do that because of everything that I've done in
my modeling career and I really just I see them

(02:15:47):
so much a part of each other, and I want
to be in the pet space and have this this
business because it's something that I also love to do,
Like I love my job, I love modeling, and I
really believe in pursuing things that you love to do.
And you know, maybe I won't be a model forever.
I have no idea because it's it's not a very

(02:16:09):
consistent lifestyle. As much as I love it, I'm you
never know. I you know, I just got a text
message today that I'm going to Paris on Thursday. So
you know, maybe if when I do start trying to
have a family, and if I have a family and
my family is growing and growing and growing, or you know,
I have all these hopes and dreams, have a big family,

(02:16:31):
it'll be more difficult to do my modeling career to
the extent that I'm doing it now. And I also
love dogs, and I love my dog, and I love,
you know, animals, and I love that people love their animals.
And I wanted to create something that I wish existed
with my life and my journey and path with Tate.

(02:16:52):
And I'm creating something that I really want and need
with Salem, my my new dog now that I rescued,
and because we're going through so many different things and
I'm so excited to, you know, have be able to
build on the experience I've had from modeling and apply
it to what I'm doing now with Titan Taylor and

(02:17:13):
build something with purpose, build something with you know, meaning
something that I'm passionate about doing, something that I love.
It's it's my lifestyle. It's you know, I'm that crazy
dog lady that every time I see a dog on
the street, I'm like, hello, how are you nice to
meet you? What's your name? I just I love dogs
and I love animals in general too, So I really

(02:17:35):
think that dogs are connectors. And I've met a lot
of people and had so many amazing interesting conversations because
of our dogs. If you're out walking your dog and
people stop you, Oh my god, what kind of dog
is that? Oh my god, you're so beautiful? Is you know,
are they a boy or are they a girl? What's
their name? And and the next thing you know, you're
having a full blown conversation with a complete and total stranger.

(02:17:56):
But I feel like I'm in a safe space. You know.
It's it's really interesting. And I as a shy I
started out really shy and kind of an introverted person.
Having Tate, everybody loved him. People were like, oh my god,
that's the cutest dog I've ever seen. And I had
to open up. I had to have conversations with people,
and he helped me do that, and he helped me

(02:18:16):
connect with people. And you know, someone that works with
me on Tate and Taylor. I met through Tate in
my building, you know, because we had like a doggy
play date group chat in the building and she invited
us and you know, our dogs were playing and we
connected and now she's helping me, you know, build Bill
Tate and Taylor. So I love dogs. I think that

(02:18:38):
there's there are just amazing and and they're connectors, and
it's something that I love so much and find so
much joy in. And I hope that people, you know,
receive that and see that and are excited about it,
because you know, I'm really passionate about how I take
care of my dog and the love I want to
give him. I want to give give him the best

(02:19:00):
life possible. Because they're not with us forever is you know,
I know very well, and I want to cherish every
single second I possibly can with them. And I know
so many pet pet people and people who have pets
want that as well. And you know, there's definitely a
lack of community. I think in the pet industry there

(02:19:20):
is community, but there's not like a place. I feel
like there wasn't a place to go for information to
connect to other people. And I really hope to build
that and grotate and tailor into something where people feel
like this is happening to me and I don't know
what to do. Maybe we can help you figure that out.
So that's sort of the intention in doing what we're doing.
You know, we have the online store, We're like curating products,

(02:19:44):
We're looking for amazing founders and brands and people who
are doing innovative things in the pet space with whether
that's treats that are with really great quality, we have
women owned businesses. I love the idea of supporting women
and you know, young cool entrepreneurs or is doing really
interesting things and maybe helping do that together and giving

(02:20:04):
them a space and a platform to showcase and talk
about their product and why it's great and and why
it's different, and you know, help them sort of just
like share what they're doing with the world. Because there's
so many passionate, you know entrepreneurs out there who are
starting these companies in the pet space and they're so
dedicated and they have just as much passion and love

(02:20:26):
as I do for their dogs, and and they've gone
through something it's completely different than maybe I've gone through
with Tate, you know. So it's really interesting people to
speak with businesses and speak with you know, founders about
why they started their company, what their goal, and what
their mission and their drive is, why they're doing what
they're doing, you know, challenges they've faced as women in
the industry, as you know, just an entrepreneur, being an

(02:20:51):
entrepreneur in general, there's there's so many things that you
know we would we want to touch on in in
that space that I think there's just I felt it
wasn't there when I was going through that with Tait,
you know, and I really want to create that for
people and bring people together and have it be fun
and you know, really easy and exciting, you know, to

(02:21:12):
care and like find cool products and great and things
at work that you know we like for our pets.

Speaker 2 (02:21:17):
So yeah, that's a really powerful stop. No, it's a
really powerful intention and powerful mission. And it's it's so
clear and evident, and I feel like you're going to
revolutionize the pet space. It's it's it's obvious that your
driving passion is true. And a couple of lessons I
took away just listening to you. One was this idea.

(02:21:37):
I think we live in a world where when we
discover something we're passionate about, we like to discount our
past experience and make it seem like, oh.

Speaker 3 (02:21:45):
Now I've found it.

Speaker 2 (02:21:47):
Whatever I did before was kind of like it was there,
but now.

Speaker 3 (02:21:50):
I found it.

Speaker 2 (02:21:51):
And what I love hearing about from you, and I
definitely resonate with what you said, it's like, actually every
stage of your career unlocks the opportunity, the ability, the ideas,
the resources, the connectivity to do the next thing. And
I think if anyone out there is right now you're listening,
and you're going to hate my job, I hate where
I am.

Speaker 3 (02:22:10):
I don't like what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 (02:22:11):
I promise you there's some skill or some lesson or
some person or some contact that you met through that
that could help you build the next part of yourself
and overall your business.

Speaker 3 (02:22:22):
And your venture.

Speaker 2 (02:22:23):
In this direction you've gone in is truly a journey
of pain to purpose, of passion to purpose, of using
your platform for a purpose. And I think that it's
such a beautiful example that so many of us, no
matter what our pains are, what our stresses are, what
our challenges are, that we can transform them into an

(02:22:43):
offering to help other people who are going through the
same time.

Speaker 1 (02:22:47):
Yeah, building a brand with intention, I think, and with
a purpose to give back and help, I think is
really important and something that especially in the PET space,
I felt was lacking because there's so many areas I
would love to tap into out, you know, just beyond
the cancer funding and maybe even cancer research and getting

(02:23:10):
into that and understanding why and how and you know,
and as well as rescue. You know, we work with
rescue organizations and my Salem, my dog, Salem, is a
rescue and and that's an experience that he's been teaching
me about and something that I want. I want to
make a change and make an impact in. I think

(02:23:32):
for me with Titan Taylor, the most important thing about
this business is using it to make make an impact
and do good things with it, and and use it
to help people and help others and help dogs, you know,
help people who have dogs or you know, hopefully animals
pets in general. We'll get there one day. Well, if

(02:23:52):
you have an iguana, great, maybe we will be able
to help you with that. I don't know, who knows
where it's going to go. That's what's so exciting. It's
so new and it's so fresh, and right now we're
dogs right now. So I'm obviously talking about dogs because
that's what we are doing currently. I do have the
hope and the optimism and the intention to want to
do as much as I possibly can. But you know,

(02:24:16):
I'm going to focus on one thing and then we
can start growing from there and building on top of that.
So in the pet space, there's just so much that
I want to do and so much I want to accomplish,
and I want to be able to build something that
helps most importantly and that does give back, and that
does have a drive and does have a cause, because

(02:24:39):
there is a drive and there is a cause, and
there is a reason behind everything that I'm doing, and
its Tait. It's dedicated to him. It's dedicated to everything
he taught me, the love I know he has for me,
the love I have for him, and it's for everyone
who's ever felt that way about a dog or a
pet in their life. It's a dedication to that. It's
a dedication to that feeling and knowing you want to

(02:25:00):
take care of something, you love something so deeply. So
do we We know that feeling, We understand that, and
we want to make something and build something with you
that is impactful and meaningful and helpful and connective and
hopefully we can you know, build a great community and
have incredible resources for people. So you know, we're this

(02:25:22):
is just the beginning of our of our journey with it,
and I'm really really excited about it.

Speaker 3 (02:25:27):
So well, congratulations Taylor.

Speaker 2 (02:25:29):
And we end every episode of On Purpose with a
fast five, which you have to be answered in one
word to one sentence maximum.

Speaker 1 (02:25:36):
I talk a lot before. We might have noticed from that.

Speaker 2 (02:25:40):
Yes, So, Taylor Hill, these are your final five. Question
one is what is the best advice you've ever heard
or received?

Speaker 1 (02:25:48):
Best advice is do what you love and the rest
will come. My dad told me that.

Speaker 3 (02:25:53):
Great answer, all right.

Speaker 2 (02:25:54):
Question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever
heard or received?

Speaker 1 (02:25:58):
Maybe if you ignore it, it'll go away or something. Yeah,
that's absolutely not true.

Speaker 3 (02:26:05):
Good answer.

Speaker 2 (02:26:06):
Question number three, what's the first thing you do every
morning and the last thing you do every night?

Speaker 1 (02:26:13):
Well, I'm really not a morning person. So first thing
in the morning, I'm like, why am I awake? What's
that alarm? Why what's happening? I'm very disoriented first thing
in the morning, and I think I drink coffee. I
need I need to have a cup of coffee. I'm
not a morning person. And then at night, I love

(02:26:34):
snuggling with my dog, kissing Salem and in the past,
you know, kissing Tate, having our good night cuddles. You know,
if I'm at home with my husband, this is more
than one sentence. I've already failed, you know, saying good
night and you know, having time, like you know, our
connection with him.

Speaker 2 (02:26:55):
Question number four, what's something you learned lately? Something a
skill that you picked up, a lesson that you learned recently.

Speaker 1 (02:27:05):
Not that recent, but lately I've been learning how to
cook and doing it better, cooking more and being better
at it. But that's taken time.

Speaker 3 (02:27:14):
Nice it does.

Speaker 2 (02:27:16):
Fifth and final question, If you could create one law
that everyone in the world had to follow, what would
it be?

Speaker 1 (02:27:23):
Always grow, you know, always change, like be willing to
grow and change. I don't know how to apply that
as a law, but I think growth is so important,
and you know, acknowledging past mistakes and growing and changing
from them is really important. Something I'm still learning and
trying to do. But I think if we can all

(02:27:44):
work on that and do that, maybe the world could
be a better place.

Speaker 3 (02:27:47):
Absolutely well, sir Taylor.

Speaker 2 (02:27:49):
Hell everyone, Taylor, thank you so much for sharing your heart,
your soul, your beautiful experiences. Thank you for being so
open and honest with our community, and everyone's been listening
and watching. I know that this would have affected you.
I know you are friends and family who've been through
some of these experiences that Taylor shared with us. Please
pass this episode onto them, maybe even sit and listen

(02:28:09):
to it with them and hold them through it. I
would love you to use this episode as a way
of having some of those uncomfortable, difficult conversations. And of
course check out Tate and Taylor. Can't wait for you
to give your dogs all the love that they deserve.
And I want to say a big thank you again
to Taylor for her presence, love and energies.

Speaker 1 (02:28:27):
Thank you very much, happy to have been here. Thank you.

Speaker 2 (02:28:30):
If you love this episode, you will also love my
interview with Kendall Jenna on setting boundaries to increase happiness
and healing. You're in a child You.

Speaker 4 (02:28:40):
Could be reading something that someone is saying about you
and being like, that is so unfair because that's not
who I am and that really gets to me sometimes.
But then looking at myself in the mirror and being like,
but I know who I am. Why does anything else matter?

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Taylor Hill: How to Navigate Emotional Challenges & Ways to Practice Gratitude in Lifes’ Unexpected Hard Times