When was the last time you felt genuinely happy with your partner?
Do you feel more stressed or more at peace in your relationship?
Today, Jay dives into one of the most draining patterns in relationships: trying to change someone who isn’t ready to change. Whether it’s a partner, friend, or family member, we often convince ourselves that if we just love harder, give more, or push in the right way, they’ll finally become the version of themselves we know they could be. Jay reminds us, people don’t change because of our hopes, our timelines, or our pain, they change when they’re ready and when the cost of staying the same finally outweighs the cost of growth.
Jay dives into the psychology of why we hold on to someone’s potential, even when their actions show otherwise, often rooted in our own unmet needs or fear of being alone. He reminds us that the clearest way to see reality is to believe what people do, not what they say, and that patterns, not promises, reveal who someone truly is right now. Jay also challenges the belief that trying to change someone is an act of love, showing how it’s more often a form of control that keeps us from confronting our own discomfort.
You’ll learn how to practice radical acceptance, not as giving up, but as an act of respect for yourself and the other person. Jay reveals why the most loving choice is sometimes to step back or let go entirely, showing that real change only happens in environments of shared commitment, not through pressure, persuasion, or endless patience.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
How to Stop Falling for Someone’s Potential
How to See Patterns Instead of Promises
How to Practice Radical Acceptance Without Lowering Your Standards
How to Tell the Difference Between Love and Control
How to Let Go Without Losing Compassion
No matter where you are in your relationship journey, remember: you’re not here to be someone’s savior. You’re here to love them as they are, or love yourself enough to walk away.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
Check out our Apple subscription to unlock bonus content of On Purpose! https://lnk.to/JayShettyPodcast
What We Discuss:
00:00 Introduction
01:08 Can You Really Change Someone?
01:55 Patterns Tell You More Than Words Ever Will
03:35 The Illusion Of Potential
06:45 Actions Over Words
09:39 Control Isn’t Love!
12:32 The Hardest Form of Love: Radical Acceptance
18:01 Only They Can Choose to Change
21:32 Priorities Vs Preferences
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
People change when they're ready, not when you beg People
change when their patterns hurt them, not just you. People
change when they're humbled by reality, not when they're pressured
by others. People change when it costs them something, not
(00:22):
just you. People change for themselves, not for your hope,
not for your timeline, not for your pain. The number
one Health and Wellness podcast, Jay said, Jay Sheddy, Hey,
how's it going. Welcome back to On Purpose. It's Joy Sheddy.
(00:44):
I am so grateful to each and every one of
you who've already subscribed, and if you haven't, it would
mean the world to me if you click that button
to make sure you never miss out on an episode.
We're all here to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
If you're someone that's on their spiritual journey, on your
personal growth journey, this is the right place to be.
(01:07):
This episode today is about something that we all struggle with.
How many of you know someone you see their potential
and when they don't live up to it, you feel pain.
How many of you really want to change someone who's
(01:29):
close to you could be a parent, a family member,
or partner, And how many of you have been in
relationships or are in one right now where you're constantly
trying to get the person you're with to upgrade and
up level, but it just doesn't seem to happen. This
episode is for you and is all about what to
(01:51):
do when people don't change. I read a quote that
changed my life. It said people don't reveal themselves through
their words. People reveal themselves through their patterns. Pay attention.
(02:11):
So many of us listen to what people say, but
we don't watch what they do. So many of us
look at how people look, but not how they show up.
So many of us get carried away by how people
treat others, but don't look at closely at how they
(02:33):
treat us. Observe patterns and you will know the person.
Ignore patterns and you will forever be in love with potential.
People are patterns, we all are, and yes, people can
change their patterns. But as you know and I know,
(02:55):
patterns take a long time to change. You drive to
work on the same route every day, How long will
it take you to change it up? If you've had
the same breakfast cereal every single morning for years, how
long will it take you to change it? Those are
physical things that may even be changeable. But the patterns
(03:19):
that are hardwired in our mind, our subconscious, and our
thoughts require life altering events often to set us on
a new track, and that can sometimes be an extremely
painful process. The first point I want to share with
you today is the illusion of potential is a projection
(03:41):
of your own wound. This is a harsh truth, but
stay with me. When you fall for someone's potential, you're
often falling for a version of them that only exist
in your imagination, or worse, in your unfinished childhood needs.
(04:03):
Think of someone you're trying to fix and ask yourself,
what unmet need in me is trying to be met
through them? Clarity starts there. We let people treat us
badly because we crave connection. We let people talk to
(04:23):
us poorly because we'd rather not be alone. We let
people walk all over us because we don't know how
to stand for ourselves. But when we do those things,
we don't change them, We lose ourselves. People change when
(04:43):
they're ready, not when you beg People change when their
patterns hurt them, not just you. People change when they're
humbled by reality, not when they're pressured by others. People
change when it cost them something, not just you. People
(05:06):
change for themselves, not for your hope, not for your timeline,
not for your pain. When you realize that you can
see someone's pattern, the question you have to ask yourself
is am I willing to stay here if the pattern
remains the same? Am I willing to be present? If
(05:31):
they say they want to change, often we say yes,
but they're changing. Have they said they want to change,
Have they showed you a plan? Have they committed to change?
You may see small changes, but unless they vocalize this,
unless they've verbalized it, unless they've communicated it with you,
you're still living in imagination. Now, No, you're thinking, Jae,
(05:54):
what do I do when it's my family? What do
I do when it's my partner? The first thing you
have to look at is if it's abusive or toxic
or highly emotionally manipulative, you've got to take a look
at that very seriously. But if you're someone who here,
who's listening and saying, chay, it's just I'm not sure
I really wish they would do this, it would make
a difference. You have to ask yourself how much you're
(06:17):
willing to tolerate and be patient? You have to ask
yourself how much you're losing yourself in the process. Only
you know that step number two. Believe what they do,
not what they say. If someone repeatedly disrespects your time,
disappears during hard moments, or break boundaries, that's who they are.
(06:38):
So if you're hoping for your partner to become more
empathetic or less impulsive, the truth is they may say
those things, but what are you seeing, What are they doing?
What are they acting? Because we're so emotional and sentimental,
when someone says the right thing, don't you just light
up inside and you almost think to your I've just
(07:00):
been waiting for you to say that. I've just been
wishing for you to say that. I've been wanting for
you to say that. But the reality is you're not
waiting for them to say that, You're waiting for them
to show that. That's what we have to focus on.
Subtract patterns. Hope is not a strategy. Don't focus on promises,
(07:21):
focus on patterns. If someone repeatedly disrespects you, that's who
they are, at least for now. If someone disappears when
things get hard, that's who they are. If someone breaks
your boundaries and calls it love, That's who they are.
(07:41):
If someone lies to protect themselves, not your trust, that's
who they are. If someone makes you question your worth,
that's who they are. If someone only shows up when
they need something, that's who they are. If someone makes
you feel crazy for having standards, that's who they are.
(08:06):
If someone constantly apologizes but never changes, that's who they are.
If someone expects grace but gives you none, that's who
they are. They can change, but only if they want to.
A big part of us justifies people's bad behavior instead
(08:31):
of looking at the patterns. We say, but they're great
at this, but they're wonderful in this way. That's true.
People are always two things. They can be so many things.
But we have to be careful to not sacrifice ourselves
for too long. I know too many people who've done this,
and ten years later they say, I've lost myself. I
(08:53):
don't know who I am. I don't have an identity.
We have to measure how extremely not accepting someone for
who they are. Step number three. This is going to
be a hard one to take in, but I have
to be honest with you. Stop mistaking your control for love.
(09:15):
Trying to change people often feels like care, but it's
usually covert control. You're trying to manage their chaos so
you don't have to face your fear of abandonment, disappointment,
or uncertainty. Melody BT in her foundational work on codependency, explains,
(09:38):
you can't force someone to be who they're not. You
can only love them where they are or leave. Next
time you feel the urge to help someone change, pause
and ask am I doing this for them? Or to
soothe my discomfort with their behavior? It's a form of control.
(10:00):
And again, it could be unconscious. You could really care,
but underlying that is a care for yourself. You don't
want to have to experience the emotions of letting them down.
You don't want to have to experience the emotion of
setting boundaries. You don't want to have to experience the
emotion of someone not liking you. So you'd rather shape, shift, mold,
(10:23):
and change them in the process as well, in order
for both of you to have a peaceful situation when
it's actually a situation where you don't know each other.
Let me give you an example. When you're trying to
change someone, you're saying to them, hey, if you were
more organized if you are more focused, you could be
more successful. Or you're trying to heal is your personal
(10:45):
issue with finances? Trying to heal you a personal issue
with money, but you're trying to do it through them. Now,
I'm not saying you don't need both people to earn.
You may be in a situation where you require both
people in your life to go and make money. But
the point is that person is showing you who they are.
They've showing you where they're at, and they might not
be a good partner for you if you're looking for
(11:06):
mutual responsibility. So much of the time we get enamored
by someone's mind, someone's words, someone's aura, someone's charisma, someone's personality,
that we forget what real life looks like. Real life
looks like looking at your bank balance, looking at your bills,
(11:29):
waking up next to someone and going to sleep next
to someone. Real life looks like coming home and you're
bored and tired, and so are they. Real life looks
like talking when there's nothing exciting to talk about. Real
life looks like planning when you're just waiting for that vacation.
Who do you want to be in your life for
(11:50):
the real things? Not just the imaginative ones. Hold that thought.
Just a quick message from our sponsors and then we'll
jump back in. Hey it's Jay Sheddy and I'm so
excited to share We're launching a brand new subscription on
Apple Podcasts. That means, if you want more on purpose,
(12:11):
more inspiration, more tools, more depth, you now have the
option to subscribe and unlock bonus content from our incredible guests.
And don't worry, the main show is still free for everyone.
But if you're someone who wants to go even deeper
and support the show, this is for you. Just hit
Try free on Apple Podcasts and join our growing community
(12:34):
of purpose driven listeners. I can't wait for you to
check it out. Okay, we're back, let's dive right back in.
Step number four is radical acceptance is not resignation, it's respect. Philosophy,
dialectical behavior therapy, also known as DBT, and Buddhism have
(12:55):
this understanding. Radical acceptance, a DBT concept created by Dr
Marshall Leinhan, is about fully accepting reality as it is,
not as we wish it were. To be honest, most
of our problems exist because of how we want life
to be and how life actually is The gap between
(13:19):
those two is the amount of pain you experience. If
you want life to feel like this, but it actually
looks like this, that gap is the amount of stress,
pain and anxiety you feel. So people to say, wait,
do I lower my expectations. No, we don't want expectations.
We want to experience reality so we can make better choices.
(13:42):
If I walk into a restaurant and I experience the food,
I know whether I want to go back. But if
I go there with high expectations, it may not meet mine.
Or if I go there with low expectations, I may
be impressed, but that impressed may not be actuate because
I may be impressed because I had low expectations. So
(14:03):
I'll accept whatever I get. Right, when you're hungry and
you walk into a restaurant, you go, oh my gosh,
this place is amazing. And then you go back when
you're kind of hungry and you're like, oh wait, it's
not as good as I remembered. Right, you've been there before.
We do that because it's not about low or high expectations.
It's about experiencing something properly. If you experience it, you
can go actually and love this place. I'm not coming back,
(14:23):
or I love this place, it's amazing. I come back
when I'm tired, I come back when I'm hungry. I
come back when I'm on a date. I come back
when I'm with family. Right, you figure out what it's
actually for. It's not about saying this is okay. It's
saying this is what is, and I get to choose
how I respond. You don't have to tolerate disrespect just
(14:49):
because you know their trauma. You don't have to accept
mistreatment to prove your loving You don't have to stay
just because you see their POTENTI I'm sure you can
forgive someone and still walk away. You can see that
good in them and still choose better for yourself. You
(15:11):
can understand someone's pain and still protect your peace. You
don't have to make excuses for behavior that's breaking you.
Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone walk all over you.
Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone take advantage of you.
Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone disrespect you. It means
(15:35):
you understand this is what it is, and you tolerate
until you make your decision to stay or go to
be here and live through it or leave. You tolerate
while you're figuring it out. Why do we stay? We
stay because we're scared of being alone, or we stay
(15:59):
because we're hoping they'll change. Both of those are not
great options. If we're staying just because we don't want
to be alone, we set ourselves up for more pain,
and if we stay hoping they'll change, we also create
more pain. So what do you do when you know
(16:22):
someone can change? When you want someone to change, first,
you can definitely try to introduce them to things that
will help them change. You may see their potential, but
you have to ask them if they see that potential.
I remember when I started dating Radi, and even when
we got married, I could see who she could become.
(16:46):
And then I realized how selfish that was, how it
was a projection of my own insecurities or imagination, and
how it wasn't selfless as it appeared. It was selfish.
If I really want what's for someone, and if I
love someone, it's about asking them who they want to be,
where they want to be, and what they want to be.
(17:08):
That's love, that selflessness. But now if it's behavior where
someone's not doing the chores, someone's not taking responsibility, someone's
not taking accountability. Someone doesn't help out at home, they
may never change that, and it's up to you to
decide whether you're willing to live in that space. And
(17:28):
I get it. Leaving is hard, Letting go is hard,
and we've done plenty of episodes on that. But you
have to realize that this is what you're signing up for.
It's almost like a subscription plan, but you only figure
out the hidden language and the small print afterwards. Right,
none of us read the small print when we subscribe
to something. When we sign up to something, you just
(17:50):
put in your email and you log in, You tick
the box. You never really think it through. We do
the same in relationships, but then we experience the small
print afterwards, and then we feel let down. Read the
small print, read in between the lines. Take it for
what it is. Point number five. You're not their mirror,
(18:14):
you're their environment the Pygmalion effect versus the environmental conditioning. Yes,
people rise to expectations, but only if they want to.
The Pigmalion effect shows that people perform better one high
expectations are clearly communicated. But this only works when there's
(18:36):
mutual investment. You're not a sculptor. You're the soil. You
can be nourishing, but you cannot will a plant to grow.
If they don't want the light, your sunshine will burn them.
So you can offer support, but you can't provide transformation.
(18:57):
You can't be someone's guru. You can't be someone's guide.
You can't be someone's teacher unless they allow you to be.
And what I've seen is that people change more by
the people around them than by someone telling them what
to do. If you're around a group of high achievers,
you feel like becoming a high achiever. If you're around
a group of people who take care of their health,
you'll feel like taking care of your health. If you're
(19:19):
around a group of people who gossip and talk negatively
about others, you gossip and talk negatively about others. We
are so defined by the people that we're around. If
you really want to change yourself, and you really want
to change someone else, it's about changing who they're around.
It's not about telling them the right thing to do.
It's not about selling them articles, it's not about educating them.
(19:40):
It's about taking them to another space allowing them to
experience that. That's where change occurs. That's how change happens.
And the reality is sometimes the most loving choice is
often to let go. Sometimes the deepest form of love
is saying I see you clearly now, and I release
(20:05):
you with compassion. Research in the Journal of Positive Psychology
shows that people who practice disengagement, coping, letting go of
unchangeable people or situations report higher well being and less
depression than those who continue trying to fix. People are
(20:27):
not yours to fix. People are not yours to solve.
People are not yours to change. Instead of disrespecting them,
first start with distance, and if distance doesn't work, then disconnect.
Often we stay close to people with judgment, with criticism,
(20:51):
with complaining, only to make us far away from them anyway.
Rumy once asked, do you know why people shout when
they're angry, Because when you are angry and you're fighting
with someone, you're physically close to them. Rumy said, we
shout because our hearts are far apart. Even though we're
(21:16):
physically close to someone, We can be emotionally so far
that we're shouting to get the message across. But no
one has ever changed because someone shouted at them. No
one has ever changed because someone complained to them. People
changed when they realized that if they didn't, their life
(21:40):
would fall apart. What I want to share with you
in this episode truly is recognizing and understanding that relationships
are difficult. Relationships are challenging, and sometimes our expectations of
others and what we want them to be or who
we want them to be are completely unreach realistic, and
(22:01):
what ends up happening is that we create more issues
in trying to change the other person than we would
if we just connected with them. This is why in
any relationship, whether it's professional or personal or romantic, you
need to know what are your priorities and what are
your preferences. Your priorities are things you don't negotiate with,
(22:23):
and your preferences are things that are nice to have
but may not always be there. We have to realize
that people also go through seasons. You could marry someone confident,
but divorce someone broken. You could date someone loving but
break up with someone who's hardhearted. You could love someone
(22:49):
who's compassionate but leave someone who's judgmental. People change in
ways we don't want them to more than they change
in the ways we want them to. The only decision
under our control is do I want to be close.
(23:10):
Do I still want to be here? Can I be
patient and tolerant? Or am I losing myself? Focus on
what you can control, which is how you feel, what
you do, and whether you stay or leave. That's what
you're in charge of. That's what you have power over.
(23:32):
Focus on that. Thank you so much for listening to today.
I love recording these episodes. I am so grateful teaching
every one of you that watches and shares and comments.
Please make sure you pass this on to someone who
could really benefit from it. Share your insights on TikTok
and Instagram about what you're learning. I love seeing the posts,
(23:52):
I love engaging with them. You leave and see me
share them on Instagram. And I really, really, truly hope
that this is helping you heal and live a better,
more meaningful life. I'm committed to that and I'm forever
on your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If
you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr
Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace
(24:16):
difficult feelings.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
You've just got to be motivated every day, and if
you're not, then what are you doing? And actually humans
don't work that way. Motivation. You have to treat it
like any other emotion. Some days it will be there,
some days it won't
People change when they're ready, not when you beg People
change when their patterns hurt them, not just you. People
change when they're humbled by reality, not when they're pressured
by others. People change when it costs them something, not
(00:22):
just you. People change for themselves, not for your hope,
not for your timeline, not for your pain. The number
one Health and Wellness podcast, Jay said, Jay Sheddy, Hey,
how's it going. Welcome back to On Purpose. It's Joy Sheddy.
(00:44):
I am so grateful to each and every one of
you who've already subscribed, and if you haven't, it would
mean the world to me if you click that button
to make sure you never miss out on an episode.
We're all here to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
If you're someone that's on their spiritual journey, on your
personal growth journey, this is the right place to be.
(01:07):
This episode today is about something that we all struggle with.
How many of you know someone you see their potential
and when they don't live up to it, you feel pain.
How many of you really want to change someone who's
(01:29):
close to you could be a parent, a family member,
or partner, And how many of you have been in
relationships or are in one right now where you're constantly
trying to get the person you're with to upgrade and
up level, but it just doesn't seem to happen. This
episode is for you and is all about what to
(01:51):
do when people don't change. I read a quote that
changed my life. It said people don't reveal themselves through
their words. People reveal themselves through their patterns. Pay attention.
(02:11):
So many of us listen to what people say, but
we don't watch what they do. So many of us
look at how people look, but not how they show up.
So many of us get carried away by how people
treat others, but don't look at closely at how they
(02:33):
treat us. Observe patterns and you will know the person.
Ignore patterns and you will forever be in love with potential.
People are patterns, we all are, and yes, people can
change their patterns. But as you know and I know,
(02:55):
patterns take a long time to change. You drive to
work on the same route every day, How long will
it take you to change it up? If you've had
the same breakfast cereal every single morning for years, how
long will it take you to change it? Those are
physical things that may even be changeable. But the patterns
(03:19):
that are hardwired in our mind, our subconscious, and our
thoughts require life altering events often to set us on
a new track, and that can sometimes be an extremely
painful process. The first point I want to share with
you today is the illusion of potential is a projection
(03:41):
of your own wound. This is a harsh truth, but
stay with me. When you fall for someone's potential, you're
often falling for a version of them that only exist
in your imagination, or worse, in your unfinished childhood needs.
(04:03):
Think of someone you're trying to fix and ask yourself,
what unmet need in me is trying to be met
through them? Clarity starts there. We let people treat us
badly because we crave connection. We let people talk to
(04:23):
us poorly because we'd rather not be alone. We let
people walk all over us because we don't know how
to stand for ourselves. But when we do those things,
we don't change them, We lose ourselves. People change when
(04:43):
they're ready, not when you beg People change when their
patterns hurt them, not just you. People change when they're
humbled by reality, not when they're pressured by others. People
change when it cost them something, not just you. People
(05:06):
change for themselves, not for your hope, not for your timeline,
not for your pain. When you realize that you can
see someone's pattern, the question you have to ask yourself
is am I willing to stay here if the pattern
remains the same? Am I willing to be present? If
(05:31):
they say they want to change, often we say yes,
but they're changing. Have they said they want to change,
Have they showed you a plan? Have they committed to change?
You may see small changes, but unless they vocalize this,
unless they've verbalized it, unless they've communicated it with you,
you're still living in imagination. Now, No, you're thinking, Jae,
(05:54):
what do I do when it's my family? What do
I do when it's my partner? The first thing you
have to look at is if it's abusive or toxic
or highly emotionally manipulative, you've got to take a look
at that very seriously. But if you're someone who here,
who's listening and saying, chay, it's just I'm not sure
I really wish they would do this, it would make
a difference. You have to ask yourself how much you're
(06:17):
willing to tolerate and be patient? You have to ask
yourself how much you're losing yourself in the process. Only
you know that step number two. Believe what they do,
not what they say. If someone repeatedly disrespects your time,
disappears during hard moments, or break boundaries, that's who they are.
(06:38):
So if you're hoping for your partner to become more
empathetic or less impulsive, the truth is they may say
those things, but what are you seeing, What are they doing?
What are they acting? Because we're so emotional and sentimental,
when someone says the right thing, don't you just light
up inside and you almost think to your I've just
(07:00):
been waiting for you to say that. I've just been
wishing for you to say that. I've been wanting for
you to say that. But the reality is you're not
waiting for them to say that, You're waiting for them
to show that. That's what we have to focus on.
Subtract patterns. Hope is not a strategy. Don't focus on promises,
(07:21):
focus on patterns. If someone repeatedly disrespects you, that's who
they are, at least for now. If someone disappears when
things get hard, that's who they are. If someone breaks
your boundaries and calls it love, That's who they are.
(07:41):
If someone lies to protect themselves, not your trust, that's
who they are. If someone makes you question your worth,
that's who they are. If someone only shows up when
they need something, that's who they are. If someone makes
you feel crazy for having standards, that's who they are.
(08:06):
If someone constantly apologizes but never changes, that's who they are.
If someone expects grace but gives you none, that's who
they are. They can change, but only if they want to.
A big part of us justifies people's bad behavior instead
(08:31):
of looking at the patterns. We say, but they're great
at this, but they're wonderful in this way. That's true.
People are always two things. They can be so many things.
But we have to be careful to not sacrifice ourselves
for too long. I know too many people who've done this,
and ten years later they say, I've lost myself. I
(08:53):
don't know who I am. I don't have an identity.
We have to measure how extremely not accepting someone for
who they are. Step number three. This is going to
be a hard one to take in, but I have
to be honest with you. Stop mistaking your control for love.
(09:15):
Trying to change people often feels like care, but it's
usually covert control. You're trying to manage their chaos so
you don't have to face your fear of abandonment, disappointment,
or uncertainty. Melody BT in her foundational work on codependency, explains,
(09:38):
you can't force someone to be who they're not. You
can only love them where they are or leave. Next
time you feel the urge to help someone change, pause
and ask am I doing this for them? Or to
soothe my discomfort with their behavior? It's a form of control.
(10:00):
And again, it could be unconscious. You could really care,
but underlying that is a care for yourself. You don't
want to have to experience the emotions of letting them down.
You don't want to have to experience the emotion of
setting boundaries. You don't want to have to experience the
emotion of someone not liking you. So you'd rather shape, shift, mold,
(10:23):
and change them in the process as well, in order
for both of you to have a peaceful situation when
it's actually a situation where you don't know each other.
Let me give you an example. When you're trying to
change someone, you're saying to them, hey, if you were
more organized if you are more focused, you could be
more successful. Or you're trying to heal is your personal
(10:45):
issue with finances? Trying to heal you a personal issue
with money, but you're trying to do it through them. Now,
I'm not saying you don't need both people to earn.
You may be in a situation where you require both
people in your life to go and make money. But
the point is that person is showing you who they are.
They've showing you where they're at, and they might not
be a good partner for you if you're looking for
(11:06):
mutual responsibility. So much of the time we get enamored
by someone's mind, someone's words, someone's aura, someone's charisma, someone's personality,
that we forget what real life looks like. Real life
looks like looking at your bank balance, looking at your bills,
(11:29):
waking up next to someone and going to sleep next
to someone. Real life looks like coming home and you're
bored and tired, and so are they. Real life looks
like talking when there's nothing exciting to talk about. Real
life looks like planning when you're just waiting for that vacation.
Who do you want to be in your life for
(11:50):
the real things? Not just the imaginative ones. Hold that thought.
Just a quick message from our sponsors and then we'll
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more inspiration, more tools, more depth, you now have the
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of purpose driven listeners. I can't wait for you to
check it out. Okay, we're back, let's dive right back in.
Step number four is radical acceptance is not resignation, it's respect. Philosophy,
dialectical behavior therapy, also known as DBT, and Buddhism have
(12:55):
this understanding. Radical acceptance, a DBT concept created by Dr
Marshall Leinhan, is about fully accepting reality as it is,
not as we wish it were. To be honest, most
of our problems exist because of how we want life
to be and how life actually is The gap between
(13:19):
those two is the amount of pain you experience. If
you want life to feel like this, but it actually
looks like this, that gap is the amount of stress,
pain and anxiety you feel. So people to say, wait,
do I lower my expectations. No, we don't want expectations.
We want to experience reality so we can make better choices.
(13:42):
If I walk into a restaurant and I experience the food,
I know whether I want to go back. But if
I go there with high expectations, it may not meet mine.
Or if I go there with low expectations, I may
be impressed, but that impressed may not be actuate because
I may be impressed because I had low expectations. So
(14:03):
I'll accept whatever I get. Right, when you're hungry and
you walk into a restaurant, you go, oh my gosh,
this place is amazing. And then you go back when
you're kind of hungry and you're like, oh wait, it's
not as good as I remembered. Right, you've been there before.
We do that because it's not about low or high expectations.
It's about experiencing something properly. If you experience it, you
can go actually and love this place. I'm not coming back,
(14:23):
or I love this place, it's amazing. I come back
when I'm tired, I come back when I'm hungry. I
come back when I'm on a date. I come back
when I'm with family. Right, you figure out what it's
actually for. It's not about saying this is okay. It's
saying this is what is, and I get to choose
how I respond. You don't have to tolerate disrespect just
(14:49):
because you know their trauma. You don't have to accept
mistreatment to prove your loving You don't have to stay
just because you see their POTENTI I'm sure you can
forgive someone and still walk away. You can see that
good in them and still choose better for yourself. You
(15:11):
can understand someone's pain and still protect your peace. You
don't have to make excuses for behavior that's breaking you.
Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone walk all over you.
Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone take advantage of you.
Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone disrespect you. It means
(15:35):
you understand this is what it is, and you tolerate
until you make your decision to stay or go to
be here and live through it or leave. You tolerate
while you're figuring it out. Why do we stay? We
stay because we're scared of being alone, or we stay
(15:59):
because we're hoping they'll change. Both of those are not
great options. If we're staying just because we don't want
to be alone, we set ourselves up for more pain,
and if we stay hoping they'll change, we also create
more pain. So what do you do when you know
(16:22):
someone can change? When you want someone to change, first,
you can definitely try to introduce them to things that
will help them change. You may see their potential, but
you have to ask them if they see that potential.
I remember when I started dating Radi, and even when
we got married, I could see who she could become.
(16:46):
And then I realized how selfish that was, how it
was a projection of my own insecurities or imagination, and
how it wasn't selfless as it appeared. It was selfish.
If I really want what's for someone, and if I
love someone, it's about asking them who they want to be,
where they want to be, and what they want to be.
(17:08):
That's love, that selflessness. But now if it's behavior where
someone's not doing the chores, someone's not taking responsibility, someone's
not taking accountability. Someone doesn't help out at home, they
may never change that, and it's up to you to
decide whether you're willing to live in that space. And
(17:28):
I get it. Leaving is hard, Letting go is hard,
and we've done plenty of episodes on that. But you
have to realize that this is what you're signing up for.
It's almost like a subscription plan, but you only figure
out the hidden language and the small print afterwards. Right,
none of us read the small print when we subscribe
to something. When we sign up to something, you just
(17:50):
put in your email and you log in, You tick
the box. You never really think it through. We do
the same in relationships, but then we experience the small
print afterwards, and then we feel let down. Read the
small print, read in between the lines. Take it for
what it is. Point number five. You're not their mirror,
(18:14):
you're their environment the Pygmalion effect versus the environmental conditioning. Yes,
people rise to expectations, but only if they want to.
The Pigmalion effect shows that people perform better one high
expectations are clearly communicated. But this only works when there's
(18:36):
mutual investment. You're not a sculptor. You're the soil. You
can be nourishing, but you cannot will a plant to grow.
If they don't want the light, your sunshine will burn them.
So you can offer support, but you can't provide transformation.
(18:57):
You can't be someone's guru. You can't be someone's guide.
You can't be someone's teacher unless they allow you to be.
And what I've seen is that people change more by
the people around them than by someone telling them what
to do. If you're around a group of high achievers,
you feel like becoming a high achiever. If you're around
a group of people who take care of their health,
you'll feel like taking care of your health. If you're
(19:19):
around a group of people who gossip and talk negatively
about others, you gossip and talk negatively about others. We
are so defined by the people that we're around. If
you really want to change yourself, and you really want
to change someone else, it's about changing who they're around.
It's not about telling them the right thing to do.
It's not about selling them articles, it's not about educating them.
(19:40):
It's about taking them to another space allowing them to
experience that. That's where change occurs. That's how change happens.
And the reality is sometimes the most loving choice is
often to let go. Sometimes the deepest form of love
is saying I see you clearly now, and I release
(20:05):
you with compassion. Research in the Journal of Positive Psychology
shows that people who practice disengagement, coping, letting go of
unchangeable people or situations report higher well being and less
depression than those who continue trying to fix. People are
(20:27):
not yours to fix. People are not yours to solve.
People are not yours to change. Instead of disrespecting them,
first start with distance, and if distance doesn't work, then disconnect.
Often we stay close to people with judgment, with criticism,
(20:51):
with complaining, only to make us far away from them anyway.
Rumy once asked, do you know why people shout when
they're angry, Because when you are angry and you're fighting
with someone, you're physically close to them. Rumy said, we
shout because our hearts are far apart. Even though we're
(21:16):
physically close to someone, We can be emotionally so far
that we're shouting to get the message across. But no
one has ever changed because someone shouted at them. No
one has ever changed because someone complained to them. People
changed when they realized that if they didn't, their life
(21:40):
would fall apart. What I want to share with you
in this episode truly is recognizing and understanding that relationships
are difficult. Relationships are challenging, and sometimes our expectations of
others and what we want them to be or who
we want them to be are completely unreach realistic, and
(22:01):
what ends up happening is that we create more issues
in trying to change the other person than we would
if we just connected with them. This is why in
any relationship, whether it's professional or personal or romantic, you
need to know what are your priorities and what are
your preferences. Your priorities are things you don't negotiate with,
(22:23):
and your preferences are things that are nice to have
but may not always be there. We have to realize
that people also go through seasons. You could marry someone confident,
but divorce someone broken. You could date someone loving but
break up with someone who's hardhearted. You could love someone
(22:49):
who's compassionate but leave someone who's judgmental. People change in
ways we don't want them to more than they change
in the ways we want them to. The only decision
under our control is do I want to be close.
(23:10):
Do I still want to be here? Can I be
patient and tolerant? Or am I losing myself? Focus on
what you can control, which is how you feel, what
you do, and whether you stay or leave. That's what
you're in charge of. That's what you have power over.
(23:32):
Focus on that. Thank you so much for listening to today.
I love recording these episodes. I am so grateful teaching
every one of you that watches and shares and comments.
Please make sure you pass this on to someone who
could really benefit from it. Share your insights on TikTok
and Instagram about what you're learning. I love seeing the posts,
(23:52):
I love engaging with them. You leave and see me
share them on Instagram. And I really, really, truly hope
that this is helping you heal and live a better,
more meaningful life. I'm committed to that and I'm forever
on your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If
you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr
Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace
(24:16):
difficult feelings.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
You've just got to be motivated every day, and if
you're not, then what are you doing? And actually humans
don't work that way. Motivation. You have to treat it
like any other emotion. Some days it will be there,
some days it won't
Host
Jay Shetty
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