August 23, 2024 • 24 mins
How did you realize they weren't the one for you?
How did you cope with the heartbreak?
Today shares a detailed exploration of the emotional journey involved in recognizing and accepting that someone you once believed was "the one" for you, wasn't actually the right person. Often, it’s common for people to convince themselves that someone is the perfect partner, even before that person has committed or shown signs of being a suitable match. This can lead to heartbreak when the relationship fails, but it’s okay because the person wasn't truly right for them either.
Jay also discusses the importance of understanding whether the person was truly healed from past wounds or whether they were presenting a version of themselves that wasn’t authentic. Consider the idea that sometimes people stay in relationships out of fear of being alone rather than genuine love or connection. And if a partner is unable or unwilling to engage in meaningful conversations, they might not be the right person.
In this episode you'll learn:
How to recognize when someone isn't right for you
How to focus on your partner's reality, not ideals
How to prioritize meaningful conversations
How to stay self-aware after a breakup
How to balance emotions in a relationship
Remember, it's okay if someone wasn't the one for you—what matters most is that you remain true to yourself and continue to seek the love and connection you deserve.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:54 They Weren’t For You and That’s Okay
05:04 #1: When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them
09:09 #2: They Never Showed Up When It Mattered
10:55 #3: They’re Still Healing
12:41 #4: They Kept Saying We Can’t Do This
16:37 #5: You Were Chasing the Whole Time
18:53 #6: They Made You Feel Detached
19:13 #7: You Are More Scared Of Being Alone Than Be With Them
20:58 #8: They Couldn’t Open Up in Meaningful Conversations
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which
is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you
that it's a primary focus of on Purpose, but on
a day to day basis, many people don't know where
to turn or which tools can help. Over the past
couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make
mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as I like to say,
fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to
(00:24):
help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep,
and generally feel better in your daily life. So many
bite size options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world,
along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out
my seven minute daily series to help you live more
mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners of On
(00:45):
Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calmpremium at
Calm dot com Forward slash j that's Calm dot com
forward slash jay for forty percent off. Calm your Mind,
Change your life. And that's the interest. And think about
this idea that they weren't for you, and by the way,
you weren't for them either. We often think I'm the
perfect person for them. They're never going to find someone
(01:07):
like me. Sure, they're never going to find someone like you,
but you weren't the person for them either. The Number
one Health and Wellness podcast said Jay Sheddy. Hey, everyone,
welcome back to you on Purpose. Thank you so much
for joining me. Whether you're on a walk, whether you're cooking,
(01:27):
whether you're with a friend, whether you're driving, wherever you are,
thank you for tuning in, Thanks for being here. And
I'm guessing you tuned in because someone in your life
sent this episode to you, or you saw the title
and thought to yourself, I've been there. I'm there right now.
I know how that feels. I'm here to remind you
(01:50):
that they weren't the one for you, and that's okay.
I speak to so many people every week who tell
me that they thought they were so close to having
found true love, having found the one to having met
their partner, and for some reason it didn't work out.
(02:10):
Some of these people had been together for years and
they were waiting for this person to propose, and when
they shared their ultimatum, the person walked away. Some of
these people thought everything was on track until one day
their partner turned around and said, I don't think this
is working anymore. And for some people, they were engaged
(02:34):
to be married and their person turned around and said,
I'm not in love with you anymore. Now. All of
these things are hard because you built up the belief
that someone was meant for you. And what a lot
of us don't realize is that we start believing someone
is the one for us even before they agree or
(02:57):
commit to it. How many of you have seen yourself
future tripping. You meet someone and you're already thinking about
your wedding day, You're thinking about having kids together, you're
thinking about moving in, You're thinking at least three steps ahead.
How many of you are feeling the pressure that the
next person you meet has to be the one, must
be the one, because you feel you're getting old time's ticking.
(03:20):
We put all these artificial pressures on ourselves only to
make ourselves believe that someone is our person. And when
that person takes away that thought, that belief, that idea,
we're often left broken and broken hearted. And I'm here
(03:40):
to remind you that they weren't the one for you,
and that's okay. They didn't want to love you, and
that's okay. They didn't want to show up for you,
and that's okay. They didn't want to be there for you,
and that's okay because they weren't the one for you,
(04:07):
and you're okay, and you'll be okay because you're still
here for yourself, because a no from someone else doesn't
have to feel like a rejection of your true self,
because someone walking away from you doesn't mean you have
to abandon yourself as well. And I think this is
(04:30):
one of the biggest challenges I see, is that when
someone walks away from us, when someone chooses a different route,
we start to follow them on their path, wondering why
they left us, not realizing that we're leaving ourselves behind
as well. Don't leave yourself behind following someone else who
(04:52):
wasn't meant for you. I want to guide you through
how to deal with that heartbreak, to how to reconcile
this idea that someone wasn't for you when you felt
that they must have been the person for you. The
first thing I want to talk about is a beautiful
quote from Maya Angelou. She said, when people show you
who they are, believe them. Let me say that again.
(05:16):
Maya Angelou said, when people show you who they are,
believe them. How many of you made excuses for this person.
How many of you constantly created justifications for their actions, behaviors, mindsets, attitude,
communication style. I mean, I could go on and on
(05:37):
and on. How many of you would jump on the
phone to your friend and your friend would say something like, yeah,
they were a bit off that night, and you'd be like, oh, no,
but they've got lots of stuff going on at work.
Maybe even your parents said something like I'm not sure
about this, and you're like, no, no, mom, you just
don't understand right. Maybe you had a brother or a
sister who just said, look, I can just sense that,
(05:58):
and you stopped them. He said, no, I'll stop you
right there. This is my person. A lot of us,
due to ourselves, a lot of us deceived ourselves. And yes,
that person may have feel like we should do that,
but they didn't deceive us. We lie to ourselves about them, right,
Let's really reconcile that for a second. So many of
(06:19):
us lie about someone else in life for someone else,
in order to protect them, because we're protecting why we
like them. Let's just talk about that for a second.
We try and protect someone's reputation because subconsciously we're trying
to protect our own We're trying to protect the reason
we're like them. We're trying to protect the reason we're
(06:40):
with them, We're trying to protect the reason we feel
that way. And often what I find is that we've
tried to protect a perfect image of someone else, when
in reality what we experience from them is completely different.
But the thing is, when you repeat that pattern, when
(07:01):
you keep protecting this perfect image of them, you start
to believe that's who they are. And so when they
walk away or it doesn't work out or it doesn't
pan out that way, you left thinking, wait a minute,
but they were so great, they loved me, they're amazing.
But really, you were the one justifying. You were the
one creating excuses, You were the one making it feel
(07:23):
like it was going in the right direction. So how
do we deal with this? Because that story and that
narrative in our mind is intoxicating. Right, it feels great
to tell ourselves that story, we found the one. It's
working out. We love them, they love us. How do
we not do the opposite? A lot of us experience
the opposite where we get really cynical. Right, no matter
(07:44):
what someone does, we go, oh, they're not my person.
Oh no, no, they're not right for me. Oh no, no,
we self sabotage. Right, So there's two sides to this coin.
One side is they're the perfect person. I'm going to
protect that image. The other side is they're not my person,
no matter how great it is. And both of the
lead to pushing people away or people walking away. And
(08:05):
the balance view is, well, no, let me get a
realistic view of what story they're telling me. They're showing
me that sometimes they prioritize me and sometimes they prioritize work. Okay,
am I good with that? They're showing me that actually
they never prioritize me and they only prioritize work. Okay,
(08:25):
let me make note of that. They're showing me that
they value me when it's convenient. They're showing me that
they love to show up for the physical intimacy and
when things are great, but when things are bad, they
turn away. And what you did at that time was
just amplify the good, focus on the positives. Now here's
(08:46):
the challenge, right, We're scared of becoming cynical, But then
the other end is we become celebratory about all the
little tiny things they do well, and we don't find
that balance. That balance comes by truly taking it for
what it is and observing whether we like that, whether
(09:07):
it works for us. Number two, they never showed up
when it mattered. They weren't the one for you. And
that's okay because they never showed up when it mattered.
Think about someone who whenever it was tough, whenever it's hard,
they weren't the first person you called. They weren't the
first band to be there. Actually, they found a way
(09:28):
to duck out every time, and they had good reasons
for it. Now, that's not the kind of person you
want to build a life with. That's not the kind
of person that you want to grow with. Because what
you practice before commitment is what you receive after commitment. Right,
it doesn't really change people think the big wedding day,
(09:50):
the marriage changes behavior. It doesn't always, it rarely does.
It continues as is, and if anything, it may even dissolve.
Now it's harder when you look back and you think, well,
they always showed up when it mattered. Maybe they helped
you through a really tough time in your life. Maybe
they helped you through a really difficult time, and you're
thinking they must be my person. They helped me through
(10:12):
that time. Well, maybe they were just with you to
help you through that time. Maybe they were just there
to guide you through that difficult time and that was
their role in your life. And I know that made
you believe that they must want to be around forever,
that it must work out forever. But it's accepting that
(10:32):
they actually helped you in your time of need and
that was beautiful. It's not a negative thing, it's not
a horrendous thing. But they were there for you when
it mattered, and you can accept that, you can receive
that and you can appreciate that as it is now.
This third one is really interesting. They weren't the one
(10:54):
for you, and that's okay because they told you they'd healed,
but you realize they hadn't a lot of the time.
Maybe you got back with an X, maybe things took
youure away, maybe you got back together. Maybe this is
someone that presented them in a certain way and they said, hey,
I've healed, I've grown, I'm a different person now, and
(11:14):
you thought, yes, this must be my person. They've been
through a transition, they've been through a transformation. Were made
for each other it's going to work out, and they
weren't the one for you because they hadn't healed, And
so you built up a picture of the version of
themselves that they said was healed, and you imagined the
life with that version. You imagined the life with that character,
(11:38):
and that's sadly what it was. It was a character
from a movie, but in reality they weren't there, So
they weren't the one for you. That character was, that
image was again, and so you start to notice how
more often than not, the one that was for you
was an image you built, or an image they built
for you, and in reality they weren't the one for you.
(12:01):
So what do you do with that information? You remind
yourself that they weren't for you because it was a
character they built, the version they told you they were.
You recognize that, you sit with that, as uncomfortable as
it is to recognize that the person you wanted to
be with didn't actually exist, and it frees you from
(12:23):
that constant daughter analysis of they were the one I
know they were. They could have been that. They said it,
they knew it. And this all comes back down to
a realization of how we spend so much time in
what if instead of what is number four? They weren't
(12:43):
the one for you because they kept saying we can't
do this, when actually what they meant is they couldn't
a lot of people will say, look, I don't think
this is good for us anymore. I don't think we're
right for each other. I don't think we're willing to
do what it takes. I don't think we have what
it takes to last. They're speaking on your behalf. If
(13:05):
you've ever had a partner who's spoken on your behalf,
or use the word we to summarize their feelings, use
the word us to summarize their emotions, they weren't the
one for you, because what they're saying is I'm scared
of acknowledging I don't have the courage to actually express
(13:26):
how I feel. So I'm going to make it about
both of us. I don't have the guts to take
accountability and responsibility for how I'm feeling, and therefore I'm
going to make it our feeling. And guess what, you'd
read that, and you'd even think at one point, yeah,
maybe I'm not cut out for this. You know what,
Maybe they're right, and maybe you even reflected it on
(13:49):
yourself and thought, maybe I'm the problem, maybe I'm the
reason they feel this way, and we have to do
that reflection. It can be us. There is a middle,
there is a spot in between where we have to
recognize that we have to take accountability, we have to
recognize where we've contributed to this. But I think the
(14:13):
mistake becomes when they're getting to choose our emotions about
the relationships rather than us getting to share what they are.
The reason why this one's really interesting is because their language,
when you reflect on it, will show you what frequency
they work on. So if your frequency is, hey, we
can solve this, Hey, we can do this. Hey, let's
(14:35):
take responsibility. Hey, let's figure it out. That's a high
vibration frequency. If their frequency is we can't do this,
it's never going to work out. That's a low frequency. Now,
if your frequency is, hey, you need to change, you
need to figure it out, that's also a low level frequency.
So in the Buggert Geeta, it talks about the four
types of frequency. The fourth and lowest type of frequency
(14:59):
is and insecurity, it's where we're either scared of commitment
or we like to make the other person feel scared
or we exercise manipulation and control. Better than that is
the frequency of passion, where we may want something for
someone else. We may demand things again not good for
(15:21):
the long term, but better than the first one. Above
that is the frequency of duty, responsibility, accountability. And above
that is the frequency of love and joy and connection.
And often what I find in this is that we
want to jump from the passionate love to the love love.
We want to jump from. Here's who I want you
(15:42):
to be too? Can we just be madly in love?
And the most important step is the mode of goodness,
the frequency of goodness, which is about responsibility and accountability.
I find that actually those two are probably the most
under talked about values in a healthy relationship. Can each
of us be accountable for our own emotions, our own
(16:04):
actions and feelings, and can we take responsibility for how
they affect the other person? Can we take responsibility for
re energizing, rejuvenating this relationship. Accountability and responsibility are things
that they didn't have, or you didn't have for them.
And that's the interesting thing about this idea that they
(16:26):
weren't for you, and by the way, you weren't for
them either. We often think I'm the perfect person for them.
They're never going to find someone like me. Sure, they're
never going to find someone like you, But you weren't
the person for them either. Step number five. You were
chasing them the whole time. You'd made up this store
in your head that they were better than you, that
they were the catch, that they were the one that
(16:47):
all your friends and family would approve of, and throughout
the time you were with them, and even before you
got them, you were chasing them. And even when you
were with them, you were chasing them. And often we
chase someone before were with them. We chase someone when
we're with them, and then eventually we chase them away.
(17:07):
We're running behind someone for so long that they don't
know what else to do but run away. We're running
after someone for so long that they continue to run away.
And the reason I'm raising that is because if you
feel like you're constantly chasing someone, they're not for you.
(17:31):
And so often we feel like, yes, I got them, Yes,
like I'm just making it perfect. Yeah they get it now, like,
oh I feel a bit safer now, and it's like no,
your person will be peaceful, your person, you'll feel safe,
and they'll feel safe, You won't feel like you're constantly
chasing them only to chase them away. And I feel
so many of us do that. We constantly feel, Oh,
(17:54):
they're out in my league, or they're better than me,
or better do everything to hold on to them. If
you're feeling that way, they for you. They're not for you,
And that's okay because you've realized, well, I shouldn't be
feeling anxious and nervous and on edge and in a
lower frequency of fear and insecurity if they're my person.
(18:16):
Do I feel peaceful around them? Do I feel stable
around them? Do I feel supported around them? Do I
like how I feel when I'm around them? If they're
making us insecure, fearful, anxious, or if that's who we
are and we're not healing that, because often I find
that people take their anxious skew into a relationship and
(18:38):
reflect it even on someone stable. But hey, if I
was triggered that way and I wasn't working on it,
they weren't for me either. Because I've got to heal.
We have to reflect on where we need to heal.
As much as we keep saying they're not for us,
we're not for them either, number six, They made you
feel that they were aloof. If people always seemed detached, aloof,
(19:02):
not committed, not connected, they weren't for you. And that's okay,
because if someone's already detached, that detachment's only going to
get stronger. There's a couple more things I want to
share with you. You were more scared of being alone
than you were excited about being with them. Be honest
with me for a second. How many of you were
(19:25):
in a relationship because you were just scared of being
on your own. You were scared of being lonely. You
were scared of being single. And if that was the
case and they left, they weren't for you, because if
they were for you, you'd be more excited about being
with them. Then you are scared of being alone. Now
(19:45):
we're all scared of being alone. We're all scared of
being lonely. It's somewhat natural, and of course, in my
book Eight Rules of Love, I talk about how you
can build that into solitude. But we all want to
be with someone, we want to be connected. That's okay.
But what's not okay is that we're with them out
of that fear and insecurity. We're with them because of
(20:06):
that anxiety. We're with someone because of that overwhelming feeling
we have of we'd be inadequate and lost without them.
So it's not an excitement, it's not a positive it's
a negative motivator, right, It's a negative drive that's keeping
us connected to this person, and that's not for us.
(20:26):
We don't want to be with someone because we don't
want to be alone. We want to be with them
because we love being with them. We enjoy their company,
we engage with them, they listen to us, they make
us feel seen, heard and understood. It's a really really
important thing to think about. And often we keep saying, Oh,
I wish they were for me. They were for me,
we were so good together, But the truth is we
(20:49):
weren't because you were just with them because you don't
want to be alone. And that's a great thing to
reflect on and talk to yourself about. The eighth and
final step that I want and discuss with you is
and a lot of people struggle with this one, is
that they want their partner to open up. They want
their partner to engage in conversation, but the person could
(21:11):
never open up or prioritize meaningful conversations they couldn't prioritize
the conversations that you knew were integral to the healthy
heart of the relationship, and they weren't for you. I
think sometimes we don't know our priorities and preferences, and
when someone ticks our preferences, we make ourselves believe that
(21:36):
they have our priorities, and we get our priorities mixed up.
And I would focus the other way around. Where can
we focus on our priorities more? What are the things
that are important to you? And these are important things
to reflect on when something ends, because when something ends,
(21:57):
we always get focused on the beginning. When something ends,
we start focusing on how things were at the start.
We often even you know, maybe to protect ourselves, we
hide all the things that were bad for us and
the hope that things will work out once again. And
I think it's so important in that moment to just say,
you know what, I recognize that they weren't for me
because we weren't actually getting any of this right. And
(22:21):
the reason I'm feeling this way is because I don't
want to be alone. I don't want to be single,
I don't want to be lost, and I don't want
to be confused. But guess what. I've said this, and
I've said this before to so many people. I'll say
it again. It's better to be sad and single than
it is to be sad and with someone because the
pain of the baggage of the commitment, the pressure of
someone else's mind, the potential of thinking about family future,
(22:45):
all of that kind of stuff's creates so much. I've
had so many people say to me they had children
because they were trying to save a relationship, and it
only made it harder, and we make worse decisions that way.
I hope this episode helps you be honest with yourself.
I know that I've been direct, but I really want
you to reflect on these things, and I want to
thank you for listening so deeply, and please share this
(23:07):
with a friend who might need it. Past this along,
there's going to be someone in your life who's heartbroken,
and hopefully this real talk guides them to their true,
authentic self and realize that they weren't the one for you.
And that's okay, because there is someone for you. And
that's not going to be someone who's fully prepped, fully packaged,
(23:27):
fully delivered. It's going to be the person you want
to build with and they want to build with you.
It's going to be the person that you're willing to
put in the work with and they're willing to put
in the work for you. Remember, I'm forever in your
corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening.
Hey everyone, If you love that conversation, go and check
out my episode with the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb,
(23:49):
where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in
therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.
If you're trying to figure out that space right now,
you won't want to miss this conversation. If it's a
romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It
actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're
(24:12):
having the conversation. It's so lovely.
Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which
is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you
that it's a primary focus of on Purpose, but on
a day to day basis, many people don't know where
to turn or which tools can help. Over the past
couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make
mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as I like to say,
fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to
(00:24):
help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep,
and generally feel better in your daily life. So many
bite size options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world,
along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out
my seven minute daily series to help you live more
mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners of On
(00:45):
Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calmpremium at
Calm dot com Forward slash j that's Calm dot com
forward slash jay for forty percent off. Calm your Mind,
Change your life. And that's the interest. And think about
this idea that they weren't for you, and by the way,
you weren't for them either. We often think I'm the
perfect person for them. They're never going to find someone
(01:07):
like me. Sure, they're never going to find someone like you,
but you weren't the person for them either. The Number
one Health and Wellness podcast said Jay Sheddy. Hey, everyone,
welcome back to you on Purpose. Thank you so much
for joining me. Whether you're on a walk, whether you're cooking,
(01:27):
whether you're with a friend, whether you're driving, wherever you are,
thank you for tuning in, Thanks for being here. And
I'm guessing you tuned in because someone in your life
sent this episode to you, or you saw the title
and thought to yourself, I've been there. I'm there right now.
I know how that feels. I'm here to remind you
(01:50):
that they weren't the one for you, and that's okay.
I speak to so many people every week who tell
me that they thought they were so close to having
found true love, having found the one to having met
their partner, and for some reason it didn't work out.
(02:10):
Some of these people had been together for years and
they were waiting for this person to propose, and when
they shared their ultimatum, the person walked away. Some of
these people thought everything was on track until one day
their partner turned around and said, I don't think this
is working anymore. And for some people, they were engaged
(02:34):
to be married and their person turned around and said,
I'm not in love with you anymore. Now. All of
these things are hard because you built up the belief
that someone was meant for you. And what a lot
of us don't realize is that we start believing someone
is the one for us even before they agree or
(02:57):
commit to it. How many of you have seen yourself
future tripping. You meet someone and you're already thinking about
your wedding day, You're thinking about having kids together, you're
thinking about moving in, You're thinking at least three steps ahead.
How many of you are feeling the pressure that the
next person you meet has to be the one, must
be the one, because you feel you're getting old time's ticking.
(03:20):
We put all these artificial pressures on ourselves only to
make ourselves believe that someone is our person. And when
that person takes away that thought, that belief, that idea,
we're often left broken and broken hearted. And I'm here
(03:40):
to remind you that they weren't the one for you,
and that's okay. They didn't want to love you, and
that's okay. They didn't want to show up for you,
and that's okay. They didn't want to be there for you,
and that's okay because they weren't the one for you,
(04:07):
and you're okay, and you'll be okay because you're still
here for yourself, because a no from someone else doesn't
have to feel like a rejection of your true self,
because someone walking away from you doesn't mean you have
to abandon yourself as well. And I think this is
(04:30):
one of the biggest challenges I see, is that when
someone walks away from us, when someone chooses a different route,
we start to follow them on their path, wondering why
they left us, not realizing that we're leaving ourselves behind
as well. Don't leave yourself behind following someone else who
(04:52):
wasn't meant for you. I want to guide you through
how to deal with that heartbreak, to how to reconcile
this idea that someone wasn't for you when you felt
that they must have been the person for you. The
first thing I want to talk about is a beautiful
quote from Maya Angelou. She said, when people show you
who they are, believe them. Let me say that again.
(05:16):
Maya Angelou said, when people show you who they are,
believe them. How many of you made excuses for this person.
How many of you constantly created justifications for their actions, behaviors, mindsets, attitude,
communication style. I mean, I could go on and on
(05:37):
and on. How many of you would jump on the
phone to your friend and your friend would say something like, yeah,
they were a bit off that night, and you'd be like, oh, no,
but they've got lots of stuff going on at work.
Maybe even your parents said something like I'm not sure
about this, and you're like, no, no, mom, you just
don't understand right. Maybe you had a brother or a
sister who just said, look, I can just sense that,
(05:58):
and you stopped them. He said, no, I'll stop you
right there. This is my person. A lot of us,
due to ourselves, a lot of us deceived ourselves. And yes,
that person may have feel like we should do that,
but they didn't deceive us. We lie to ourselves about them, right,
Let's really reconcile that for a second. So many of
(06:19):
us lie about someone else in life for someone else,
in order to protect them, because we're protecting why we
like them. Let's just talk about that for a second.
We try and protect someone's reputation because subconsciously we're trying
to protect our own We're trying to protect the reason
we're like them. We're trying to protect the reason we're
(06:40):
with them, We're trying to protect the reason we feel
that way. And often what I find is that we've
tried to protect a perfect image of someone else, when
in reality what we experience from them is completely different.
But the thing is, when you repeat that pattern, when
(07:01):
you keep protecting this perfect image of them, you start
to believe that's who they are. And so when they
walk away or it doesn't work out or it doesn't
pan out that way, you left thinking, wait a minute,
but they were so great, they loved me, they're amazing.
But really, you were the one justifying. You were the
one creating excuses, You were the one making it feel
(07:23):
like it was going in the right direction. So how
do we deal with this? Because that story and that
narrative in our mind is intoxicating. Right, it feels great
to tell ourselves that story, we found the one. It's
working out. We love them, they love us. How do
we not do the opposite? A lot of us experience
the opposite where we get really cynical. Right, no matter
(07:44):
what someone does, we go, oh, they're not my person.
Oh no, no, they're not right for me. Oh no, no,
we self sabotage. Right, So there's two sides to this coin.
One side is they're the perfect person. I'm going to
protect that image. The other side is they're not my person,
no matter how great it is. And both of the
lead to pushing people away or people walking away. And
(08:05):
the balance view is, well, no, let me get a
realistic view of what story they're telling me. They're showing
me that sometimes they prioritize me and sometimes they prioritize work. Okay,
am I good with that? They're showing me that actually
they never prioritize me and they only prioritize work. Okay,
(08:25):
let me make note of that. They're showing me that
they value me when it's convenient. They're showing me that
they love to show up for the physical intimacy and
when things are great, but when things are bad, they
turn away. And what you did at that time was
just amplify the good, focus on the positives. Now here's
(08:46):
the challenge, right, We're scared of becoming cynical, But then
the other end is we become celebratory about all the
little tiny things they do well, and we don't find
that balance. That balance comes by truly taking it for
what it is and observing whether we like that, whether
(09:07):
it works for us. Number two, they never showed up
when it mattered. They weren't the one for you. And
that's okay because they never showed up when it mattered.
Think about someone who whenever it was tough, whenever it's hard,
they weren't the first person you called. They weren't the
first band to be there. Actually, they found a way
(09:28):
to duck out every time, and they had good reasons
for it. Now, that's not the kind of person you
want to build a life with. That's not the kind
of person that you want to grow with. Because what
you practice before commitment is what you receive after commitment. Right,
it doesn't really change people think the big wedding day,
(09:50):
the marriage changes behavior. It doesn't always, it rarely does.
It continues as is, and if anything, it may even dissolve.
Now it's harder when you look back and you think, well,
they always showed up when it mattered. Maybe they helped
you through a really tough time in your life. Maybe
they helped you through a really difficult time, and you're
thinking they must be my person. They helped me through
(10:12):
that time. Well, maybe they were just with you to
help you through that time. Maybe they were just there
to guide you through that difficult time and that was
their role in your life. And I know that made
you believe that they must want to be around forever,
that it must work out forever. But it's accepting that
(10:32):
they actually helped you in your time of need and
that was beautiful. It's not a negative thing, it's not
a horrendous thing. But they were there for you when
it mattered, and you can accept that, you can receive
that and you can appreciate that as it is now.
This third one is really interesting. They weren't the one
(10:54):
for you, and that's okay because they told you they'd healed,
but you realize they hadn't a lot of the time.
Maybe you got back with an X, maybe things took
youure away, maybe you got back together. Maybe this is
someone that presented them in a certain way and they said, hey,
I've healed, I've grown, I'm a different person now, and
(11:14):
you thought, yes, this must be my person. They've been
through a transition, they've been through a transformation. Were made
for each other it's going to work out, and they
weren't the one for you because they hadn't healed, And
so you built up a picture of the version of
themselves that they said was healed, and you imagined the
life with that version. You imagined the life with that character,
(11:38):
and that's sadly what it was. It was a character
from a movie, but in reality they weren't there, So
they weren't the one for you. That character was, that
image was again, and so you start to notice how
more often than not, the one that was for you
was an image you built, or an image they built
for you, and in reality they weren't the one for you.
(12:01):
So what do you do with that information? You remind
yourself that they weren't for you because it was a
character they built, the version they told you they were.
You recognize that, you sit with that, as uncomfortable as
it is to recognize that the person you wanted to
be with didn't actually exist, and it frees you from
(12:23):
that constant daughter analysis of they were the one I
know they were. They could have been that. They said it,
they knew it. And this all comes back down to
a realization of how we spend so much time in
what if instead of what is number four? They weren't
(12:43):
the one for you because they kept saying we can't
do this, when actually what they meant is they couldn't
a lot of people will say, look, I don't think
this is good for us anymore. I don't think we're
right for each other. I don't think we're willing to
do what it takes. I don't think we have what
it takes to last. They're speaking on your behalf. If
(13:05):
you've ever had a partner who's spoken on your behalf,
or use the word we to summarize their feelings, use
the word us to summarize their emotions, they weren't the
one for you, because what they're saying is I'm scared
of acknowledging I don't have the courage to actually express
(13:26):
how I feel. So I'm going to make it about
both of us. I don't have the guts to take
accountability and responsibility for how I'm feeling, and therefore I'm
going to make it our feeling. And guess what, you'd
read that, and you'd even think at one point, yeah,
maybe I'm not cut out for this. You know what,
Maybe they're right, and maybe you even reflected it on
(13:49):
yourself and thought, maybe I'm the problem, maybe I'm the
reason they feel this way, and we have to do
that reflection. It can be us. There is a middle,
there is a spot in between where we have to
recognize that we have to take accountability, we have to
recognize where we've contributed to this. But I think the
(14:13):
mistake becomes when they're getting to choose our emotions about
the relationships rather than us getting to share what they are.
The reason why this one's really interesting is because their language,
when you reflect on it, will show you what frequency
they work on. So if your frequency is, hey, we
can solve this, Hey, we can do this. Hey, let's
(14:35):
take responsibility. Hey, let's figure it out. That's a high
vibration frequency. If their frequency is we can't do this,
it's never going to work out. That's a low frequency. Now,
if your frequency is, hey, you need to change, you
need to figure it out, that's also a low level frequency.
So in the Buggert Geeta, it talks about the four
types of frequency. The fourth and lowest type of frequency
(14:59):
is and insecurity, it's where we're either scared of commitment
or we like to make the other person feel scared
or we exercise manipulation and control. Better than that is
the frequency of passion, where we may want something for
someone else. We may demand things again not good for
(15:21):
the long term, but better than the first one. Above
that is the frequency of duty, responsibility, accountability. And above
that is the frequency of love and joy and connection.
And often what I find in this is that we
want to jump from the passionate love to the love love.
We want to jump from. Here's who I want you
(15:42):
to be too? Can we just be madly in love?
And the most important step is the mode of goodness,
the frequency of goodness, which is about responsibility and accountability.
I find that actually those two are probably the most
under talked about values in a healthy relationship. Can each
of us be accountable for our own emotions, our own
(16:04):
actions and feelings, and can we take responsibility for how
they affect the other person? Can we take responsibility for
re energizing, rejuvenating this relationship. Accountability and responsibility are things
that they didn't have, or you didn't have for them.
And that's the interesting thing about this idea that they
(16:26):
weren't for you, and by the way, you weren't for
them either. We often think I'm the perfect person for them.
They're never going to find someone like me. Sure, they're
never going to find someone like you, But you weren't
the person for them either. Step number five. You were
chasing them the whole time. You'd made up this store
in your head that they were better than you, that
they were the catch, that they were the one that
(16:47):
all your friends and family would approve of, and throughout
the time you were with them, and even before you
got them, you were chasing them. And even when you
were with them, you were chasing them. And often we
chase someone before were with them. We chase someone when
we're with them, and then eventually we chase them away.
(17:07):
We're running behind someone for so long that they don't
know what else to do but run away. We're running
after someone for so long that they continue to run away.
And the reason I'm raising that is because if you
feel like you're constantly chasing someone, they're not for you.
(17:31):
And so often we feel like, yes, I got them, Yes,
like I'm just making it perfect. Yeah they get it now, like,
oh I feel a bit safer now, and it's like no,
your person will be peaceful, your person, you'll feel safe,
and they'll feel safe, You won't feel like you're constantly
chasing them only to chase them away. And I feel
so many of us do that. We constantly feel, Oh,
(17:54):
they're out in my league, or they're better than me,
or better do everything to hold on to them. If
you're feeling that way, they for you. They're not for you,
And that's okay because you've realized, well, I shouldn't be
feeling anxious and nervous and on edge and in a
lower frequency of fear and insecurity if they're my person.
(18:16):
Do I feel peaceful around them? Do I feel stable
around them? Do I feel supported around them? Do I
like how I feel when I'm around them? If they're
making us insecure, fearful, anxious, or if that's who we
are and we're not healing that, because often I find
that people take their anxious skew into a relationship and
(18:38):
reflect it even on someone stable. But hey, if I
was triggered that way and I wasn't working on it,
they weren't for me either. Because I've got to heal.
We have to reflect on where we need to heal.
As much as we keep saying they're not for us,
we're not for them either, number six, They made you
feel that they were aloof. If people always seemed detached, aloof,
(19:02):
not committed, not connected, they weren't for you. And that's okay,
because if someone's already detached, that detachment's only going to
get stronger. There's a couple more things I want to
share with you. You were more scared of being alone
than you were excited about being with them. Be honest
with me for a second. How many of you were
(19:25):
in a relationship because you were just scared of being
on your own. You were scared of being lonely. You
were scared of being single. And if that was the
case and they left, they weren't for you, because if
they were for you, you'd be more excited about being
with them. Then you are scared of being alone. Now
(19:45):
we're all scared of being alone. We're all scared of
being lonely. It's somewhat natural, and of course, in my
book Eight Rules of Love, I talk about how you
can build that into solitude. But we all want to
be with someone, we want to be connected. That's okay.
But what's not okay is that we're with them out
of that fear and insecurity. We're with them because of
(20:06):
that anxiety. We're with someone because of that overwhelming feeling
we have of we'd be inadequate and lost without them.
So it's not an excitement, it's not a positive it's
a negative motivator, right, It's a negative drive that's keeping
us connected to this person, and that's not for us.
(20:26):
We don't want to be with someone because we don't
want to be alone. We want to be with them
because we love being with them. We enjoy their company,
we engage with them, they listen to us, they make
us feel seen, heard and understood. It's a really really
important thing to think about. And often we keep saying, Oh,
I wish they were for me. They were for me,
we were so good together, But the truth is we
(20:49):
weren't because you were just with them because you don't
want to be alone. And that's a great thing to
reflect on and talk to yourself about. The eighth and
final step that I want and discuss with you is
and a lot of people struggle with this one, is
that they want their partner to open up. They want
their partner to engage in conversation, but the person could
(21:11):
never open up or prioritize meaningful conversations they couldn't prioritize
the conversations that you knew were integral to the healthy
heart of the relationship, and they weren't for you. I
think sometimes we don't know our priorities and preferences, and
when someone ticks our preferences, we make ourselves believe that
(21:36):
they have our priorities, and we get our priorities mixed up.
And I would focus the other way around. Where can
we focus on our priorities more? What are the things
that are important to you? And these are important things
to reflect on when something ends, because when something ends,
(21:57):
we always get focused on the beginning. When something ends,
we start focusing on how things were at the start.
We often even you know, maybe to protect ourselves, we
hide all the things that were bad for us and
the hope that things will work out once again. And
I think it's so important in that moment to just say,
you know what, I recognize that they weren't for me
because we weren't actually getting any of this right. And
(22:21):
the reason I'm feeling this way is because I don't
want to be alone. I don't want to be single,
I don't want to be lost, and I don't want
to be confused. But guess what. I've said this, and
I've said this before to so many people. I'll say
it again. It's better to be sad and single than
it is to be sad and with someone because the
pain of the baggage of the commitment, the pressure of
someone else's mind, the potential of thinking about family future,
(22:45):
all of that kind of stuff's creates so much. I've
had so many people say to me they had children
because they were trying to save a relationship, and it
only made it harder, and we make worse decisions that way.
I hope this episode helps you be honest with yourself.
I know that I've been direct, but I really want
you to reflect on these things, and I want to
thank you for listening so deeply, and please share this
(23:07):
with a friend who might need it. Past this along,
there's going to be someone in your life who's heartbroken,
and hopefully this real talk guides them to their true,
authentic self and realize that they weren't the one for you.
And that's okay, because there is someone for you. And
that's not going to be someone who's fully prepped, fully packaged,
(23:27):
fully delivered. It's going to be the person you want
to build with and they want to build with you.
It's going to be the person that you're willing to
put in the work with and they're willing to put
in the work for you. Remember, I'm forever in your
corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening.
Hey everyone, If you love that conversation, go and check
out my episode with the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb,
(23:49):
where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in
therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.
If you're trying to figure out that space right now,
you won't want to miss this conversation. If it's a
romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It
actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're
(24:12):
having the conversation. It's so lovely.
Host
Jay Shetty
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