September 26, 2025 • 26 mins
Have you ever felt taken for granted by a friend?
Do you find yourself always making the effort?
Today, Jay dives into the delicate line between real and fake friendships, revealing the subtle cues that help us identify who truly has our best interests at heart. He explains that genuine friends honor your boundaries, celebrate your authenticity, and encourage your growth, while superficial friends may pressure you into compliance, keep score, gossip, or feel threatened by your success. Drawing on psychological insights around attachment styles, envy, and social debt, Jay highlights how friendship dynamics are less about labeling people as good or bad, and more about recognizing behaviors that either uplift or drain us.
Jay reminds us that true friendship is grounded in honesty, generosity, and shared growth. Real friends don’t keep score, they celebrate your wins as their own and stand beside you through every change. Most importantly, Jay challenges us to reflect on how we show up for others, emphasizing that being a genuine friend requires patience, compassion, and courage. This conversation isn’t just about recognizing fake friends; it’s about becoming the kind of friend who makes others feel seen, valued, and safe.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Spot a Fake Friend
How to Protect Your Boundaries
How to Handle Envy in Friendships
How to Know If You’re “Too Much” or “Not Enough”
How to Build Friendships That Grow With You
How to Be a Real Friend
When we surround ourselves with people who celebrate our growth, and choose to show up for others in the same way, we build friendships that not only endure but also bring out the best in who we are meant to become.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
Check out our Apple subscription to unlock bonus content of On Purpose! https://lnk.to/JayShettyPodcast
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:07 Are Your Friendships Genuine?
02:20 #1: Watch How They Handle Your Boundaries
08:50 #2: Are They Keeping Score?
12:39 #3: Share Your Good News and See How They React
17:48 #4: Do They Make You Feel Like You're ‘Too Much?’
19:43 #5: Observe How They Talk About Others
23:04 #6: Do They Want the Best From You or For You?
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Fake friends want you to say yes, even when your
soul is screaming no. Real friends respect your no because
they care more about your peace than their plans. Fake
friends want your agreement even when you see the world differently.
Real friends want your honesty because truth matter is more
(00:22):
than comfort. Fake friends need your validation. Real friends can
handle your challenge because fake friends are only loyal to
your compliance, but real friends they're loyal to your authenticity.
The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Setty Jay Setty, Hey, everyone,
(00:47):
welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Shetty,
and I am so grateful that you've joined me today.
Whether you're cooking, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're
at the gym, whether you're commuting to or from work,
I'm so thankful that you're spending this time with me.
Make sure you subscribe to the channel so that you
never ever miss an episode. Now, I feel like I'm
at that age where the conversation around friendships is back.
(01:11):
I feel like we talked a lot about friends when
we're in our teens, and I'm at that point in
my life right now where I know that some of
my friends are feeling a bit screwed over by other friends.
Other friends are feeling that people are not showing up
for them. Other people are starting to figure out who
people really are. And it's strange. When you've had someone
in your life for ten years, fifteen years, maybe even
less than that, will you start to think about was
(01:34):
this person ever really a friend? Were they a fake friend?
Do they have different agendas? Did they have different motives?
Did they have different intentions? How did we even connect?
Wait a minute, why did I trust this person? If
you've ever had any of those questions before, this episode
is for you because I'm going to break down the
subtle signs between real and fake friends. Now, the truth is,
(01:57):
no one's a fake person or a real person. It's
just how they are with us. Sometimes you'll find that
someone is really good to someone else and they're not
great with you. So this isn't about people as a whole,
but it is about the behaviors, the patterns that you've seen,
the patterns that you've experienced, so that you can learn
to protect yourself and have a stronger filter, have a
(02:17):
stronger set of boundaries. So the first one is this,
fake friends want you to say yes even when you
want to say no, And what I want you to
do is watch how they handle your no. See, here's
the thing. Fake friends. They get sulky, they may get
distant or even manipulative. When you set a boundary, a
(02:42):
real friend, they'll actually respect it when you say no.
Maybe they'll tease you, but they don't withdraw their love
or respect for you because of that. Now, there's some
psychology behind this. When someone respects your boundary, it's because
it's tied to secure attachment. See. The thing is that
fake friends they perceive limits as rejection. So when you say, hey,
(03:06):
I don't want to go out at ten pm tonight,
I want to get an early night, they see that
as you saying I don't want to spend time with you.
Other people, when they hear a boundary like you know what,
actually I'm not sure I want to drink for the
next month, they're thinking that's an invitation to see if
they can get you to come out. So the challenge
is that a real friend is trying to listen, but
(03:26):
it also requires them to potentially have secure attachment from
their background. So sometimes someone's not a fake person. They're
not a bad person, it's just that they're wiring has
made them insecure, and now they're projecting that insecurity onto you. Now,
that doesn't mean you have to deal with it. It doesn't
mean you have to tolerate it. But I want you
(03:46):
to understand it. See, someone with secure attachment is reliable
without suffocation. They show up when it matters, but they
don't need to be in your pocket twenty four seven.
An example is they'll check in if you're sick, but
they don't demand constant updates throughout the day. Another one
(04:07):
from a real friend is that they'll respect your boundaries.
They don't guilt you when you say things like no,
I don't think I can make it. My plans have changed,
things have shifted. They'll be like, totally fine, we'll catch
up later, we'll figure it out. It's someone who allows
you to feel comfortable. How many times have you ever
had it? Well, you're actually scared to tell someone that
(04:28):
you can't come to an event, a party, a gathering,
whatever it is. It's your friend. It's someone that you
should know really well. It's someone that should understand you.
And you might have a legitimate reason, or you might
have the worst reason, but it's your friend. You should
be able to tell them. That's a clear sign that
you have a real connection with someone that you can
actually share. Hey, you know what, I'm just not feeling
(04:49):
it tonight. I do want to show up for you. Bye.
Is there another way I can shot up for you
this week? Tonight's just not going to be it for me,
and a good friend will understand, and by the way,
you'll understand when they do the same for you. That's
why good friends, real friends experience comfort with absence. Time
apart doesn't weaken the bond. How many times have you
(05:10):
experienced where you reconnect with a friend after months and
they're good friends, And that's why it's just easy. It's
almost seamless. You pick up where you left off. But
when someone's not a great friend, they remind you of that,
Oh yeah, you haven't reached out to me in four months.
Oh you know what, you didn't you didn't reply to
me immediately, or you know what, it's been four hours
since I text you. It's a really interesting thing because
(05:31):
the truth is, hopefully you have a connection enough that
that person should know you care about them and you
know they care about you. But when that's used against you,
that's when it starts to cause issues. The other aspect
of it that's really important. It's something known as balanced support.
They don't just comfort you, they challenge you to grow.
(05:52):
This is something you have to allow. It's something you
have to invite. If every time your friend gives you
feedback or your friend gives you insight and you reject it,
guess what you're actually rejecting them from saying uncomfortable things
to you. Now, there is a difference. Is someone sharing
something with you for you to get better, or is
someone sharing something with you to look better. Sometimes your
(06:15):
friend will give you feedback to make you better, but
sometimes someone will give you feedback to make themselves feel better.
This is an intention and energy thing where we have
to learn to check in with ourselves, to check in
with them and recognize whether they're coming from a good place.
If they're coming from a place of making you feel bad,
(06:37):
to be more powerful, to control you, we don't want
that kind of person in our life. But if they're
coming from a place for you to grow, for you
to be better, you want to be open and invite that.
A lot of us close it off. A lot of
us make people feel bad for sharing great feedback. A
lot of us make our friends feel like we don't
have space for that or room for that, and all
that leads to is a less honest, less transparent relationship. Now,
(07:01):
I do want to share that a lot of people's attachment,
whether it's secure or insecure, could be based on their childhood.
John Bowlby, who's a psychologist who's the attachment theory founder,
found that secure attachments in childhood predict trust and resilience
in adulthood. So if someone's had a tough childhood and
(07:22):
they haven't experienced that from their parents, it's less likely
going to have that with you. And in friendships, this
translates into predictable safety, right, you don't fear abandonment, they
don't experience betrayal or rejection or constant judgment. Research shows
securely attached adults are better at conflict resolution, empathy, and forgiveness.
(07:43):
This is why I keep saying there's no fake person.
There's only people who have experiences that have made them
harder at dealing with these things. Again, that doesn't mean
it's an excuse. It doesn't mean you tolerate it. You
still have to protect yourself, but it's good for us
to understand it fake friends want you to say yes,
even when your soul is screaming no. Real friends respect
(08:07):
your no because they care more about your peace than
their plans. Fake friends want your agreement even when you
see the world differently. Real friends want your honesty because
truth matters more than comfort. Fake friends need your validation.
Real friends can handle your challenge. Fake friends prefer the
(08:30):
version of you that's easy, polished, and agreeable. Real friends
embrace the version of you that's messy, complicated, and real.
Because fake friends are only loyal to your compliance, but
real friends they're loyal to your authenticity. The second way
(08:50):
to know is fake friends keep score, and real friends
they lose count. Now, a fake friend will say I
bought you coffee last time. A real friend will say,
don't worry, I've got this one. Or actually, if they
really did get you coffee last time, you'd be the
one to say, don't worry, I've got this one. Think
about that. Healthy bonds operate on generosity, not ledgers. Right,
(09:14):
Fake friends remember what you owe. Real friends forget what
they gave. If I asked you, can you list off
all the nice things you've done for your friend in
the last thirty days. I'm sure you don't know. I'm
sure you can't remember. If someone said to me, what
were all the nice things you do? I'd have to
really rack my brain to push to find those things.
(09:36):
I'd find them. But it's not something i'm thinking about.
It's not something I think about when I text them.
It's not something i'm thinking about when I call them,
it's not something i'm thinking about when i'm with them.
A good friend is not thinking about all the good
things they've done for that person. If you're in a
real friendship and the same ways back, they're not thinking
about all the good things they've done to you. If anything,
(09:57):
a real friendship is when you're talking to someone in
your mind and heart, you're thinking of all the amazing
things they've done for you, and they're thinking about all
the amazing things you've done for them. You're not. They're
thinking about all the amazing things you've done for them,
and they're not. They're thinking about all the amazing things
they've done for you. It's all about the gratitude and reciprocity.
(10:18):
Where you're there in your head going wow, I'm so
grateful to have such a good friend, and they're feeling
the same Now this is counterintuitive. We think debt is
only financial, but social debt. I did this for you,
so you owe me is the real trap of fake
loyalty and their psychology behind this. This is called scorekeeping
(10:42):
behavior in relationships. Genuine friendships thrive on communal norms, giving
without expectations, while fake ones operate on exchange norms, transactional
give and take. When you're keeping score, you always feel
like you're giving more. Let me say that again. When
(11:02):
you're keeping score, you always feel like you're the one
giving more, and psychology calls this the self serving bias.
We tend to overestimate our own contributions and underestimate the
contribution of others. You remember all the things you do right,
(11:22):
but you forget all the things you do wrong. You
remember all the things that they do wrong, and you
remember none of the things that they do right. Scorekeeping
is competitive. It's all about who's doing more, who's giving more.
Real friendship isn't about competition. It's about collaboration. It's thinking
as a team. If everyone on a team is thinking
(11:43):
about who's doing more who's doing less, you can't win.
But if everyone plays their role, that's when you get
a chance. If over time, one person feels like the
debtor and resents it, the other feels like the creditor
and grows bitter. Fake friends remember what you owe. Real
friends forget what they give. Fake friends keep score. Real
(12:08):
friends lose count. Fake friends hand you favors with strings attached.
Real friends give without conditions. Fake friends treat kindness like currency.
Real friends treat kindness like breathing. Fake friends loan support
to be repaid. Real friends invest love with no return expected.
(12:33):
Fake friends give to gain, Real friends give to grow.
One way to know the difference between a real or
a fake friend is share the good news and watch
the micro reaction. We've always talked about how a good
friend is someone you can reach out to in the
time of need. When someone shows up for you when
(12:54):
things aren't going well for you, that says a lot.
It says a lot about them, and you shouldn't forget
those people. You Know what's really interesting, A real friend
is also someone that you want to talk to when
you're winning, when you're doing well, when things are going great.
How many times have you thought about calling someone or
texting someone about a win, a promotion, a little win,
a small win in your life, and you actually hold
(13:17):
back because you thought, I don't want to. I think
this person might be a bit triggered by it. Now, Hey,
if they're going through a really difficult time right now,
that makes you a good friend to think about that.
If we're thinking about how our actions can agitate and
trigger and upset other people because of what they're going through,
that makes us a good friend. But at the same time,
(13:39):
a great friend of yours will want to hear about
your wins unless they're going through something really, really difficult.
And that's what it takes. It takes two people to
really understand the nuances of what friendship requires. But when
you're getting to know someone, this is a great rule
to use. Share good news and what's their micro expressions?
(14:00):
A fake friend, we'll have a delayed smile, They'll have
a quick subject change or a subtle undercut right. They
might say something that kind of makes it seem insignificant.
A real friend has genuine excitement, follow up questions, They're curious,
and they match your energy. Micro expressions reveal envy faster
(14:20):
than any words can mask it. Now here's the true question.
Can you be friends long term with someone who envies you?
Here's the answer. Yes, but only if they're Envy evolves
into respect and learning. Envy has a cousin called study.
(14:42):
They're both the same thing. In one sense, you're admiring
someone else, but in envy you wish you had it,
whereas in study you want to know how they got
it right. In envy, you think I wish I had that.
I deserve more. I can't believe they got it? Why
not me? In study, you think how did they get there?
I hope I can learn from them. I hope it
can grow with them. Envy at its root is corrosive.
(15:04):
It's wanting what someone has and potentially even wishing that
they didn't have it. Psychologists call this malicious envy. It
eats a way at trust because deep down someone secretly
rooting against you. But there's another form of envy that
is more common, the kind that says you inspire me
(15:25):
and I want to rise to your level. That kind
of envy can actually strengthen a friendship. It becomes fuel.
The danger is this envy always puts a crack in
the glass. If that person doesn't deal with it, resentment
leaks through, and over time you'll notice subtle jabs muted
applause or that quiet satisfaction when you stumble. So the
(15:49):
real answer is you can be friends with someone who
envies you, but only if they're envy becomes respect or
becomes support. If it stays envy, you'll never feel safe
because endy doesn't clap for you, it competes with you.
(16:23):
A real friend isn't threatened when good things happen for you.
They celebrate with you and even use your success as
motivation to push themselves forward. A fake friend feels uneasy
when you succeed. They may smile, but deep down they're
wishing it happened to them. A real friend asks how
(16:45):
can I support you? A fake friend asks why not me?
A real friend claps loudly when you win. A fake
friend claps softly or not at all, because your win
feels like they're loss. A real friend grows with you.
They were inspired by your growth and want to rise
alongside you. A fake friend resents your growth. They want
(17:07):
you to stay the same so they don't feel left behind.
Real friends see your success as shared joy. Fake friends
see your success as their personal failure. Again, I want
to point this out. If you're a real friend too,
you'll be mindful of agitating or hurting someone. I was
talking to a friend recently. They were really excited that
(17:30):
they got pregnant, but they knew that one of their
friends had just had a miscarriage, so they were mindful
in how they shared that news. Does that mean the
friend who had a miscarriage was a bad friend because
they couldn't be excited? Of course not. They were going
through something extremely tragic and difficult, And so we have
to realize that good friend requires understanding on both sides.
(17:51):
I think we live in a culture right now that
goes well, if you don't show up for me, they
were not good friends. But did I show up for
you properly in that moment in the way you needed
me too as well? You've got to take that into account.
The next one is that fake friends make you feel
like you're not enough or you're too much all at
the same time, real friends make you realize you are
(18:12):
just who you are, right. A real friend's gonna be like, hey,
sometimes you can be annoying, Right, sometimes you are the
most frustrating person to be around. But that's not too
much and it's not not enough. A fake friend will say,
you know what, sometimes you're just too much, You're just
too much. A fake friend will be like, yeah, I
don't think you're good enough of that. I don't think
I don't think I don't think you could do that.
(18:34):
There's no openness. A fake friend is also someone who
tells you you're amazing and you can do everything. A
real friend goes, hey, have you thought about this? And
that is so much depending on us as a friend.
Are we giving them that space to be that way?
It's not just how people are, it's how we allow
them to be. If we want to be surrounded by
everyone who says yes to every one of our ideas,
that's what you'll get. Then you can't be mad that
(18:56):
you don't have honest friends. But if you're someone who
allows for someone want to say that to you, you're
gonna have much deeper relationships. But maybe you've had this,
Maybe someone said to you you're too sensitive, you're not enough.
Whatever it may be, the truth is a real friend
will be like, hey, this is the reality. This is
what you look like. Sometimes you're great, sometimes you're not great. Right,
(19:18):
Unconditional positive regard predicts healthy bonds. Real friends never make
you feel too much or not enough. Fake friends make
you question yourself too loud, to quiet, too needy, too distant.
Real friends accept your highs and lows. Fake friends only
(19:40):
one the easy version of you. Real friends let you
show up unfiltered. Fake friends make you edit yourself to
keep their approval. Real friends remind you that who you
are is enough. Fake friends leave you feeling like you
always need to be someone else. Yes, Now, this is
(20:01):
probably the biggest one. Observe how they talk about others.
Fake friends. They constantly gossip, especially about people that they
call their friends. A real friend may vent occasionally, but
they don't undermine or betray someone's confidence. Now here's the
behavioral cue. Gossip about others is future gossip about you.
(20:25):
Remember that if someone's gossiping about others, that means in
the future they will probably gossip about you. And what
we do is we use gossip as a way to bond.
It's the easiest, lowest form of connection. If we both
don't like the same person and we bond over that,
that is the lowest form of connection. This is known
(20:48):
in the bugger Ghita as something known as the mode
of ignorance, where we connect over negativity, fear, ignorance, anxiety
right where we're getting connec because we both hate the
same person or don't like something about them. A step
up from that is something known as the mode of passion.
It's when you bond with someone because you have the
same goals. You want to do the same workout. You
(21:10):
want to build muscle, you want to lose weight, whatever,
and you both want the same thing, you want to
be successful. Higher than that is when you connect with
each other because you want to create peace in each
other's lives. You want to love joy connection, that's what
you want to share. Those are the three types of relationships.
We've got to be really careful about the bonds that
(21:31):
are made over gossip. If someone bonds with you by
talking badly about others, the unspoken truth is they'll do
the same with you. Research shows negative reciprocity. How people
behave towards others is how they're likely to behave toward you.
It creates something known as shallow intimacy. Gossip feels like
(21:55):
closeness because you're in on the secret, but it's not
about you. It's about someone else not being there. Psychologists
call this pseudo intimacy. Quick surface level closeness that doesn't
last at all. It actually spreads anxiety instead of safety.
True friendship lowers stress. Gossip does the opposite. It plan'ts suspicion.
(22:20):
You wonder what did they say about me when I'm
not there. Gossip activates the brain's threat detection system, putting
you on edge instead of at ease. Trust theory shows
that once you see someone betray another, you subconsciously mark
them as a betrayer. Fake friends talk badly about others
(22:42):
to get close to you. Real friends talk about you
to get close to you. Fake friends use gossip as
the glue. Real friends use honesty as the glue. Fake
friends share secrets that aren't theirs. Real friends protect the
secrets you trust them with. Fake friends bond over tearing
(23:05):
people down. Real friends bond over building other people up.
Fake friends have you wondering what they say about you
when you're not there. Real friends make you confident they
defend you when you're not in the room. Another way
you can tell is that fake friends want the best
from you, and real friends want the best for you. Now,
(23:29):
fake friends loyalty is conditional on your usefulness. Real friends
don't care whether you're useful. They appreciate you. Now, this
is the difference between instrumental versus intrinsic relationships. Shallow bonds
are transactional. Deep ones are values based. A real relationship
(23:50):
is one that is built on values and vision. If
you have a similar vision, you have similar values, you
have a powerful relationship. If you don't, but you might
think you do, because some of that aura from your
values and vision can kind of feel intoxicating. Sometimes fake
friends may just want your connections, they want your network,
They want to know how you got there, and that's
(24:11):
all they want. Real friends just want you to be
happy and they enjoy your company. And how I think
that adds up is that fake friends disappear when you change,
and real friends they grow with you. I'm sure in
your life you're at a place where you've changed so
many times. You probably changed since you're at college, you changed,
since you're at high school. You change now that you're married,
(24:32):
or you've got kids, or whether you move to a
new city. You've changed in so many ways. A real
friend wants to know why you changed, how you're changing.
The curious you don't have to like the same thing. Now.
This trigger is parts of people because they don't want
to grow, they might be scared about it too, so
you've got to be compassion and patient. I think that's
one of the most important things, is that if you're
(24:53):
changing and growing fast, if you can be compassion and
patient for others, they may catch up with you and
you give them and the opportunity. If we don't, you
can just intimidate people and scare them again. It comes
down to both. If someone's scared of your growth, it
doesn't mean they can't be a good friend. It's about
you also giving them the patience and grace that you
needed to get to where you are. I hope that
(25:15):
these principles give you a better radar and also help
you recognize that it's not really as black and white.
I talked about real versus fake friends to give you
a sense of that, but it's not as clear cut.
The reality is it requires a lot from us to
be a good friend, as much as we want others
to be, and that comes from understanding. It comes from
having difficult conversations. It comes from creating space. It comes
(25:38):
from being three steps ahead and waiting and being four
steps behind and hoping someone waits for you. I really
hope this episode helps you. I want you to share
it with a real friend. I want you to share
it with someone that you're struggling with to have a
better conversation and connection. Pass it on and remember and
forever in your corner, and I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this episode, I need you to listen
(26:01):
to one of my favorite conversations ever. It's with the
one and only Tom Holland on how to overcome your
social anxiety, especially in situations where you're not drinking and
everyone else is. We talk about his sobriety journey and
so much more. He gets really personal. I can't wait
for you to hear it. It's going to blow your mind.
(26:21):
The quote is, if you have a problem with me,
text me. And if you don't have my number, you
don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.
Fake friends want you to say yes, even when your
soul is screaming no. Real friends respect your no because
they care more about your peace than their plans. Fake
friends want your agreement even when you see the world differently.
Real friends want your honesty because truth matter is more
(00:22):
than comfort. Fake friends need your validation. Real friends can
handle your challenge because fake friends are only loyal to
your compliance, but real friends they're loyal to your authenticity.
The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Setty Jay Setty, Hey, everyone,
(00:47):
welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Shetty,
and I am so grateful that you've joined me today.
Whether you're cooking, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're
at the gym, whether you're commuting to or from work,
I'm so thankful that you're spending this time with me.
Make sure you subscribe to the channel so that you
never ever miss an episode. Now, I feel like I'm
at that age where the conversation around friendships is back.
(01:11):
I feel like we talked a lot about friends when
we're in our teens, and I'm at that point in
my life right now where I know that some of
my friends are feeling a bit screwed over by other friends.
Other friends are feeling that people are not showing up
for them. Other people are starting to figure out who
people really are. And it's strange. When you've had someone
in your life for ten years, fifteen years, maybe even
less than that, will you start to think about was
(01:34):
this person ever really a friend? Were they a fake friend?
Do they have different agendas? Did they have different motives?
Did they have different intentions? How did we even connect?
Wait a minute, why did I trust this person? If
you've ever had any of those questions before, this episode
is for you because I'm going to break down the
subtle signs between real and fake friends. Now, the truth is,
(01:57):
no one's a fake person or a real person. It's
just how they are with us. Sometimes you'll find that
someone is really good to someone else and they're not
great with you. So this isn't about people as a whole,
but it is about the behaviors, the patterns that you've seen,
the patterns that you've experienced, so that you can learn
to protect yourself and have a stronger filter, have a
(02:17):
stronger set of boundaries. So the first one is this,
fake friends want you to say yes even when you
want to say no, And what I want you to
do is watch how they handle your no. See, here's
the thing. Fake friends. They get sulky, they may get
distant or even manipulative. When you set a boundary, a
(02:42):
real friend, they'll actually respect it when you say no.
Maybe they'll tease you, but they don't withdraw their love
or respect for you because of that. Now, there's some
psychology behind this. When someone respects your boundary, it's because
it's tied to secure attachment. See. The thing is that
fake friends they perceive limits as rejection. So when you say, hey,
(03:06):
I don't want to go out at ten pm tonight,
I want to get an early night, they see that
as you saying I don't want to spend time with you.
Other people, when they hear a boundary like you know what,
actually I'm not sure I want to drink for the
next month, they're thinking that's an invitation to see if
they can get you to come out. So the challenge
is that a real friend is trying to listen, but
(03:26):
it also requires them to potentially have secure attachment from
their background. So sometimes someone's not a fake person. They're
not a bad person, it's just that they're wiring has
made them insecure, and now they're projecting that insecurity onto you. Now,
that doesn't mean you have to deal with it. It doesn't
mean you have to tolerate it. But I want you
(03:46):
to understand it. See, someone with secure attachment is reliable
without suffocation. They show up when it matters, but they
don't need to be in your pocket twenty four seven.
An example is they'll check in if you're sick, but
they don't demand constant updates throughout the day. Another one
(04:07):
from a real friend is that they'll respect your boundaries.
They don't guilt you when you say things like no,
I don't think I can make it. My plans have changed,
things have shifted. They'll be like, totally fine, we'll catch
up later, we'll figure it out. It's someone who allows
you to feel comfortable. How many times have you ever
had it? Well, you're actually scared to tell someone that
(04:28):
you can't come to an event, a party, a gathering,
whatever it is. It's your friend. It's someone that you
should know really well. It's someone that should understand you.
And you might have a legitimate reason, or you might
have the worst reason, but it's your friend. You should
be able to tell them. That's a clear sign that
you have a real connection with someone that you can
actually share. Hey, you know what, I'm just not feeling
(04:49):
it tonight. I do want to show up for you. Bye.
Is there another way I can shot up for you
this week? Tonight's just not going to be it for me,
and a good friend will understand, and by the way,
you'll understand when they do the same for you. That's
why good friends, real friends experience comfort with absence. Time
apart doesn't weaken the bond. How many times have you
(05:10):
experienced where you reconnect with a friend after months and
they're good friends, And that's why it's just easy. It's
almost seamless. You pick up where you left off. But
when someone's not a great friend, they remind you of that,
Oh yeah, you haven't reached out to me in four months.
Oh you know what, you didn't you didn't reply to
me immediately, or you know what, it's been four hours
since I text you. It's a really interesting thing because
(05:31):
the truth is, hopefully you have a connection enough that
that person should know you care about them and you
know they care about you. But when that's used against you,
that's when it starts to cause issues. The other aspect
of it that's really important. It's something known as balanced support.
They don't just comfort you, they challenge you to grow.
(05:52):
This is something you have to allow. It's something you
have to invite. If every time your friend gives you
feedback or your friend gives you insight and you reject it,
guess what you're actually rejecting them from saying uncomfortable things
to you. Now, there is a difference. Is someone sharing
something with you for you to get better, or is
someone sharing something with you to look better. Sometimes your
(06:15):
friend will give you feedback to make you better, but
sometimes someone will give you feedback to make themselves feel better.
This is an intention and energy thing where we have
to learn to check in with ourselves, to check in
with them and recognize whether they're coming from a good place.
If they're coming from a place of making you feel bad,
(06:37):
to be more powerful, to control you, we don't want
that kind of person in our life. But if they're
coming from a place for you to grow, for you
to be better, you want to be open and invite that.
A lot of us close it off. A lot of
us make people feel bad for sharing great feedback. A
lot of us make our friends feel like we don't
have space for that or room for that, and all
that leads to is a less honest, less transparent relationship. Now,
(07:01):
I do want to share that a lot of people's attachment,
whether it's secure or insecure, could be based on their childhood.
John Bowlby, who's a psychologist who's the attachment theory founder,
found that secure attachments in childhood predict trust and resilience
in adulthood. So if someone's had a tough childhood and
(07:22):
they haven't experienced that from their parents, it's less likely
going to have that with you. And in friendships, this
translates into predictable safety, right, you don't fear abandonment, they
don't experience betrayal or rejection or constant judgment. Research shows
securely attached adults are better at conflict resolution, empathy, and forgiveness.
(07:43):
This is why I keep saying there's no fake person.
There's only people who have experiences that have made them
harder at dealing with these things. Again, that doesn't mean
it's an excuse. It doesn't mean you tolerate it. You
still have to protect yourself, but it's good for us
to understand it fake friends want you to say yes,
even when your soul is screaming no. Real friends respect
(08:07):
your no because they care more about your peace than
their plans. Fake friends want your agreement even when you
see the world differently. Real friends want your honesty because
truth matters more than comfort. Fake friends need your validation.
Real friends can handle your challenge. Fake friends prefer the
(08:30):
version of you that's easy, polished, and agreeable. Real friends
embrace the version of you that's messy, complicated, and real.
Because fake friends are only loyal to your compliance, but
real friends they're loyal to your authenticity. The second way
(08:50):
to know is fake friends keep score, and real friends
they lose count. Now, a fake friend will say I
bought you coffee last time. A real friend will say,
don't worry, I've got this one. Or actually, if they
really did get you coffee last time, you'd be the
one to say, don't worry, I've got this one. Think
about that. Healthy bonds operate on generosity, not ledgers. Right,
(09:14):
Fake friends remember what you owe. Real friends forget what
they gave. If I asked you, can you list off
all the nice things you've done for your friend in
the last thirty days. I'm sure you don't know. I'm
sure you can't remember. If someone said to me, what
were all the nice things you do? I'd have to
really rack my brain to push to find those things.
(09:36):
I'd find them. But it's not something i'm thinking about.
It's not something I think about when I text them.
It's not something i'm thinking about when I call them,
it's not something i'm thinking about when i'm with them.
A good friend is not thinking about all the good
things they've done for that person. If you're in a
real friendship and the same ways back, they're not thinking
about all the good things they've done to you. If anything,
(09:57):
a real friendship is when you're talking to someone in
your mind and heart, you're thinking of all the amazing
things they've done for you, and they're thinking about all
the amazing things you've done for them. You're not. They're
thinking about all the amazing things you've done for them,
and they're not. They're thinking about all the amazing things
they've done for you. It's all about the gratitude and reciprocity.
(10:18):
Where you're there in your head going wow, I'm so
grateful to have such a good friend, and they're feeling
the same Now this is counterintuitive. We think debt is
only financial, but social debt. I did this for you,
so you owe me is the real trap of fake
loyalty and their psychology behind this. This is called scorekeeping
(10:42):
behavior in relationships. Genuine friendships thrive on communal norms, giving
without expectations, while fake ones operate on exchange norms, transactional
give and take. When you're keeping score, you always feel
like you're giving more. Let me say that again. When
(11:02):
you're keeping score, you always feel like you're the one
giving more, and psychology calls this the self serving bias.
We tend to overestimate our own contributions and underestimate the
contribution of others. You remember all the things you do right,
(11:22):
but you forget all the things you do wrong. You
remember all the things that they do wrong, and you
remember none of the things that they do right. Scorekeeping
is competitive. It's all about who's doing more, who's giving more.
Real friendship isn't about competition. It's about collaboration. It's thinking
as a team. If everyone on a team is thinking
(11:43):
about who's doing more who's doing less, you can't win.
But if everyone plays their role, that's when you get
a chance. If over time, one person feels like the
debtor and resents it, the other feels like the creditor
and grows bitter. Fake friends remember what you owe. Real
friends forget what they give. Fake friends keep score. Real
(12:08):
friends lose count. Fake friends hand you favors with strings attached.
Real friends give without conditions. Fake friends treat kindness like currency.
Real friends treat kindness like breathing. Fake friends loan support
to be repaid. Real friends invest love with no return expected.
(12:33):
Fake friends give to gain, Real friends give to grow.
One way to know the difference between a real or
a fake friend is share the good news and watch
the micro reaction. We've always talked about how a good
friend is someone you can reach out to in the
time of need. When someone shows up for you when
(12:54):
things aren't going well for you, that says a lot.
It says a lot about them, and you shouldn't forget
those people. You Know what's really interesting, A real friend
is also someone that you want to talk to when
you're winning, when you're doing well, when things are going great.
How many times have you thought about calling someone or
texting someone about a win, a promotion, a little win,
a small win in your life, and you actually hold
(13:17):
back because you thought, I don't want to. I think
this person might be a bit triggered by it. Now, Hey,
if they're going through a really difficult time right now,
that makes you a good friend to think about that.
If we're thinking about how our actions can agitate and
trigger and upset other people because of what they're going through,
that makes us a good friend. But at the same time,
(13:39):
a great friend of yours will want to hear about
your wins unless they're going through something really, really difficult.
And that's what it takes. It takes two people to
really understand the nuances of what friendship requires. But when
you're getting to know someone, this is a great rule
to use. Share good news and what's their micro expressions?
(14:00):
A fake friend, we'll have a delayed smile, They'll have
a quick subject change or a subtle undercut right. They
might say something that kind of makes it seem insignificant.
A real friend has genuine excitement, follow up questions, They're curious,
and they match your energy. Micro expressions reveal envy faster
(14:20):
than any words can mask it. Now here's the true question.
Can you be friends long term with someone who envies you?
Here's the answer. Yes, but only if they're Envy evolves
into respect and learning. Envy has a cousin called study.
(14:42):
They're both the same thing. In one sense, you're admiring
someone else, but in envy you wish you had it,
whereas in study you want to know how they got
it right. In envy, you think I wish I had that.
I deserve more. I can't believe they got it? Why
not me? In study, you think how did they get there?
I hope I can learn from them. I hope it
can grow with them. Envy at its root is corrosive.
(15:04):
It's wanting what someone has and potentially even wishing that
they didn't have it. Psychologists call this malicious envy. It
eats a way at trust because deep down someone secretly
rooting against you. But there's another form of envy that
is more common, the kind that says you inspire me
(15:25):
and I want to rise to your level. That kind
of envy can actually strengthen a friendship. It becomes fuel.
The danger is this envy always puts a crack in
the glass. If that person doesn't deal with it, resentment
leaks through, and over time you'll notice subtle jabs muted
applause or that quiet satisfaction when you stumble. So the
(15:49):
real answer is you can be friends with someone who
envies you, but only if they're envy becomes respect or
becomes support. If it stays envy, you'll never feel safe
because endy doesn't clap for you, it competes with you.
(16:23):
A real friend isn't threatened when good things happen for you.
They celebrate with you and even use your success as
motivation to push themselves forward. A fake friend feels uneasy
when you succeed. They may smile, but deep down they're
wishing it happened to them. A real friend asks how
(16:45):
can I support you? A fake friend asks why not me?
A real friend claps loudly when you win. A fake
friend claps softly or not at all, because your win
feels like they're loss. A real friend grows with you.
They were inspired by your growth and want to rise
alongside you. A fake friend resents your growth. They want
(17:07):
you to stay the same so they don't feel left behind.
Real friends see your success as shared joy. Fake friends
see your success as their personal failure. Again, I want
to point this out. If you're a real friend too,
you'll be mindful of agitating or hurting someone. I was
talking to a friend recently. They were really excited that
(17:30):
they got pregnant, but they knew that one of their
friends had just had a miscarriage, so they were mindful
in how they shared that news. Does that mean the
friend who had a miscarriage was a bad friend because
they couldn't be excited? Of course not. They were going
through something extremely tragic and difficult, And so we have
to realize that good friend requires understanding on both sides.
(17:51):
I think we live in a culture right now that
goes well, if you don't show up for me, they
were not good friends. But did I show up for
you properly in that moment in the way you needed
me too as well? You've got to take that into account.
The next one is that fake friends make you feel
like you're not enough or you're too much all at
the same time, real friends make you realize you are
(18:12):
just who you are, right. A real friend's gonna be like, hey,
sometimes you can be annoying, Right, sometimes you are the
most frustrating person to be around. But that's not too
much and it's not not enough. A fake friend will say,
you know what, sometimes you're just too much, You're just
too much. A fake friend will be like, yeah, I
don't think you're good enough of that. I don't think
I don't think I don't think you could do that.
(18:34):
There's no openness. A fake friend is also someone who
tells you you're amazing and you can do everything. A
real friend goes, hey, have you thought about this? And
that is so much depending on us as a friend.
Are we giving them that space to be that way?
It's not just how people are, it's how we allow
them to be. If we want to be surrounded by
everyone who says yes to every one of our ideas,
that's what you'll get. Then you can't be mad that
(18:56):
you don't have honest friends. But if you're someone who
allows for someone want to say that to you, you're
gonna have much deeper relationships. But maybe you've had this,
Maybe someone said to you you're too sensitive, you're not enough.
Whatever it may be, the truth is a real friend
will be like, hey, this is the reality. This is
what you look like. Sometimes you're great, sometimes you're not great. Right,
(19:18):
Unconditional positive regard predicts healthy bonds. Real friends never make
you feel too much or not enough. Fake friends make
you question yourself too loud, to quiet, too needy, too distant.
Real friends accept your highs and lows. Fake friends only
(19:40):
one the easy version of you. Real friends let you
show up unfiltered. Fake friends make you edit yourself to
keep their approval. Real friends remind you that who you
are is enough. Fake friends leave you feeling like you
always need to be someone else. Yes, Now, this is
(20:01):
probably the biggest one. Observe how they talk about others.
Fake friends. They constantly gossip, especially about people that they
call their friends. A real friend may vent occasionally, but
they don't undermine or betray someone's confidence. Now here's the
behavioral cue. Gossip about others is future gossip about you.
(20:25):
Remember that if someone's gossiping about others, that means in
the future they will probably gossip about you. And what
we do is we use gossip as a way to bond.
It's the easiest, lowest form of connection. If we both
don't like the same person and we bond over that,
that is the lowest form of connection. This is known
(20:48):
in the bugger Ghita as something known as the mode
of ignorance, where we connect over negativity, fear, ignorance, anxiety
right where we're getting connec because we both hate the
same person or don't like something about them. A step
up from that is something known as the mode of passion.
It's when you bond with someone because you have the
same goals. You want to do the same workout. You
(21:10):
want to build muscle, you want to lose weight, whatever,
and you both want the same thing, you want to
be successful. Higher than that is when you connect with
each other because you want to create peace in each
other's lives. You want to love joy connection, that's what
you want to share. Those are the three types of relationships.
We've got to be really careful about the bonds that
(21:31):
are made over gossip. If someone bonds with you by
talking badly about others, the unspoken truth is they'll do
the same with you. Research shows negative reciprocity. How people
behave towards others is how they're likely to behave toward you.
It creates something known as shallow intimacy. Gossip feels like
(21:55):
closeness because you're in on the secret, but it's not
about you. It's about someone else not being there. Psychologists
call this pseudo intimacy. Quick surface level closeness that doesn't
last at all. It actually spreads anxiety instead of safety.
True friendship lowers stress. Gossip does the opposite. It plan'ts suspicion.
(22:20):
You wonder what did they say about me when I'm
not there. Gossip activates the brain's threat detection system, putting
you on edge instead of at ease. Trust theory shows
that once you see someone betray another, you subconsciously mark
them as a betrayer. Fake friends talk badly about others
(22:42):
to get close to you. Real friends talk about you
to get close to you. Fake friends use gossip as
the glue. Real friends use honesty as the glue. Fake
friends share secrets that aren't theirs. Real friends protect the
secrets you trust them with. Fake friends bond over tearing
(23:05):
people down. Real friends bond over building other people up.
Fake friends have you wondering what they say about you
when you're not there. Real friends make you confident they
defend you when you're not in the room. Another way
you can tell is that fake friends want the best
from you, and real friends want the best for you. Now,
(23:29):
fake friends loyalty is conditional on your usefulness. Real friends
don't care whether you're useful. They appreciate you. Now, this
is the difference between instrumental versus intrinsic relationships. Shallow bonds
are transactional. Deep ones are values based. A real relationship
(23:50):
is one that is built on values and vision. If
you have a similar vision, you have similar values, you
have a powerful relationship. If you don't, but you might
think you do, because some of that aura from your
values and vision can kind of feel intoxicating. Sometimes fake
friends may just want your connections, they want your network,
They want to know how you got there, and that's
(24:11):
all they want. Real friends just want you to be
happy and they enjoy your company. And how I think
that adds up is that fake friends disappear when you change,
and real friends they grow with you. I'm sure in
your life you're at a place where you've changed so
many times. You probably changed since you're at college, you changed,
since you're at high school. You change now that you're married,
(24:32):
or you've got kids, or whether you move to a
new city. You've changed in so many ways. A real
friend wants to know why you changed, how you're changing.
The curious you don't have to like the same thing. Now.
This trigger is parts of people because they don't want
to grow, they might be scared about it too, so
you've got to be compassion and patient. I think that's
one of the most important things, is that if you're
(24:53):
changing and growing fast, if you can be compassion and
patient for others, they may catch up with you and
you give them and the opportunity. If we don't, you
can just intimidate people and scare them again. It comes
down to both. If someone's scared of your growth, it
doesn't mean they can't be a good friend. It's about
you also giving them the patience and grace that you
needed to get to where you are. I hope that
(25:15):
these principles give you a better radar and also help
you recognize that it's not really as black and white.
I talked about real versus fake friends to give you
a sense of that, but it's not as clear cut.
The reality is it requires a lot from us to
be a good friend, as much as we want others
to be, and that comes from understanding. It comes from
having difficult conversations. It comes from creating space. It comes
(25:38):
from being three steps ahead and waiting and being four
steps behind and hoping someone waits for you. I really
hope this episode helps you. I want you to share
it with a real friend. I want you to share
it with someone that you're struggling with to have a
better conversation and connection. Pass it on and remember and
forever in your corner, and I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this episode, I need you to listen
(26:01):
to one of my favorite conversations ever. It's with the
one and only Tom Holland on how to overcome your
social anxiety, especially in situations where you're not drinking and
everyone else is. We talk about his sobriety journey and
so much more. He gets really personal. I can't wait
for you to hear it. It's going to blow your mind.
(26:21):
The quote is, if you have a problem with me,
text me. And if you don't have my number, you
don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.
Host
Jay Shetty
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