June 28, 2024 • 24 mins
Do you and your partner share values?
How do you support each other emotionally?
Today, Jay taps into the idea that love alone is not sufficient to sustain a healthy relationship. While love is important, other elements such as shared values, emotional maturity, consistent patterns of behavior, and trust are crucial for long-lasting partnerships. Societal norms often romanticize love, leading people to overlook these essential factors.
Jay discusses the significance of understanding and respecting each other's values, as well as recognizing and addressing patterns of behavior. Emotional maturity, which involves managing and expressing emotions healthily, is highlighted as a key component of a stable relationship. Support and partnership are deemed more critical than love alone.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to communicate your value to your partner
How to develop emotional maturity
How to support your partner's emotional growth
How to build trust in your relationship
Remember, love is important, but building a relationship on trust, values, and emotional maturity is key.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:07 Do They Love Me?
04:42 #1: Love Makes Us Forget the Importance of Values
08:56 #2: Love Makes You Forget Patterns of Behaviour
16:09 #3: Love Makes You Forget How They Treat You
19:29 #4: Love Versus Support
21:46 #5: You Forget the Importance of Trust
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The healthiest, longest lasting relationships are based on peace. Pleasure
may start relationships, peace continues relationships. I saw a quote
the other day that said, if your home is a
place of peace, you've broken the cycle. The number one
health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty Jay Shetty Z, Hey everyone,
(00:24):
welcome back to On Purpose. I'm so so happy to
be with you. It's your host, Jay Shetty, and I
couldn't be more grateful that you tuned in today, especially
to this episode all about the reasons why love is
not enough and what to focus on more in dating
and relationships. If you're someone who's been trying to fall
(00:46):
in love, trying to find love, looking for love, this
episode is for you. If you're someone who's kind of
falling in and out of love, trying to figure out
whether you're still in love with the person, this episode
is for you. And if you're one of those people
that had to walk away from love, this episode is
for you now. I was thinking, as I was reflecting
(01:10):
on this topic about that old game that I think
I used to watch people play in primary school, elementary school,
where someone would grab a daisy and the game would
go he loves me, He loves me not? And I
was looking this up on the internet and he was
talking about how this is a game of French origin
(01:33):
in which one person seeks to determine whether the object
of their affection returns that affection. Fancy way of saying
he loves me, he loves me not. Now, what was
interesting about that is this idea that we are constantly,
since we're young, trained to ask that question, do they
love me? Do they love me yet? Are they in
(01:54):
love with me? When? Will they be in love with me?
When will they tell me they love me? And the
same back them? Am I ready to love them? But
here's what I want to ask you in this episode.
Have you ever felt you loved someone but knew they
weren't right for you. Let me say that again. Have
(02:14):
you ever felt you loved someone but knew they weren't
right for you? How many times have you been in
that position before? Or you love someone but they weren't
good to you. How many of you have experienced that
where you love someone, you had strong feelings for someone,
but they weren't good to you. Maybe you're in that
(02:36):
position right now, and I'm so happy that you're listening
to this episode or maybe you love them, but you
didn't trust them. How many of you know someone who's
dating someone right now where they say they love them,
but you know they don't trust them. And what's really
interesting about all of this is we we often hear
(02:56):
our friends, our family members, people we love make excuses
people that they're dating, like, oh, yeah, he loves me,
but you know, sometimes I wonder why he doesn't care
or she loves me, but sometimes I wonder whether she's
just with me for fill in the blank. Here's the reality.
If they loved you, they're call. If they loved you,
(03:20):
they'd care. If they loved you, they'd ask. If they
loved you, you'd know. And often our feelings of love
for someone make us forget that love is not enough,
because what we really want is not just someone to
say I love you. We want someone who makes us
(03:44):
feel loved, makes us feel cared for, makes us feel seen, heard, understood,
and someone that we do that back to. We don't
want someone who just says they love us. We want
someone who lives like they do. We want the actions,
we want the behaviors. And so when I say love
is done enough, it's not because I want to be negative.
(04:06):
It's not because I want to put it down on love.
It's because so many of us place love on this pedestal,
and we believe that love is enough because we've been
told that love is all we need. Right, That's what
we've been told, That's what we've repeated. And so I
(04:27):
want to talk today about what we should focus on,
what we should notice, what we should amplify in our relationships,
in order to make sure that we're not misled by
what we think is love. Partly, one of the challenges
is that we live in a world where we only
(04:48):
have one word for love. But the Greeks had seven
words for love. The Vaders have five words for love.
Love was far more of a detailed, complex topic, and
it's become oversimplified in our modern day. So love makes
us forget the importance of values. How many times have
(05:12):
you sacrificed, negotiated with, or put aside one of your
values because you thought you loved someone. Right, So you
had a really important value, Maybe you had an event
that was really important to you. Maybe you had a
person that was really important to you, a friendship, but
you put it aside because you thought you were in
love with someone. How many times have you ever regretted
(05:34):
that in the future? How many times did you feel
that was the best thing I ever did. It's really interesting,
isn't it that if we love someone, we often forego
our values, We put aside our values, when actually, if
someone loved us, they would never let us do that.
That wouldn't be the way they'd want us to act.
And so values are such a critical part of the
(05:56):
love setup. This is one of the reasons why when
I've become a relationship advisor at Match, one of the
first things we built was a value based assessment. This
was to help you with a quiz to understand your
own values so that we could pair you with other
people who are a self aware about their values and
they may even share similar values. If you want to
(06:19):
check that out, you can go to match dot com,
forward slash Ja. And that was so important to me
because I wanted us to recognize that love is not enough.
If you couldn't name your partner's top three values and
they can't name your top three values, that's proved to
you that love is not enough. What is it that
your partner would never let you sacrifice? What is something
(06:43):
that you would want to sacrifice out of love, but
your partner would never let you sacrifice that is a
deep value to you. For example, for me, I know
that Radi one of her biggest values is family. And
so whether it's her visiting London, whether it's her wanting
to organize vacations for our family, whether it's her wanting
to create experiences and memories, I know that that's the
(07:06):
most important thing to her in the world, and I
would never want her to give that up, no matter
how important something is to me, no matter how important
it is. And she knows that for me, my purpose
is my biggest priority and my biggest value, and no
matter how important something is to her, she won't want
me to give that up. But love often makes us
(07:30):
forget our values. And in love, we want people to
forget their values. We want our partner to sacrifice their
values to show us they love us. But that doesn't
sound like love. It sounds like manipulation. It sounds like control.
But love can often make you think you're doing things
(07:50):
that are higher. You almost manipulate yourself into thinking, oh,
I really love this person because I'm willing to give
this up. So love makes you forget your values. It
makes you forget your partner's values. And that's why love
can't be enough, because after weeks, months, years of putting
aside your values, and when you feel misaligned, you wonder,
(08:12):
why did I ever do that? Why did I give
that up? That was so important to me, that was
such a priority to me. How did I let that
just go? How did I let that just fade? How
did I let that just be? So? Ask yourself? Are
you getting to prioritize your values? Does your partner prioritize
your values? Do you even know what your values are?
(08:36):
Are you aware of how they stack? I think a
lot of us deprioritize our values because we don't know them,
And a lot of us struggle in love because we're
hoping that love will make up for the lack of
knowledge we have and the lack of awareness we have.
(08:56):
This second one is probably the most common one, but
it's the most avoidable because of love. Love makes you
forget patterns of behavior. Sometimes the wrong people will say
the right things, Sometimes the right people will say the
(09:16):
wrong things. Trust patterns, not what people say. So many
of us let me just say that all again. Sometimes
the wrong people will say the right things. Sometimes the right,
people will say the wrong things. Trust patterns, not what
people say. How many times is love made you forego
(09:38):
what you see? You see someone make a mistake after
mistake after mistake, and you go, oh, but they love me. See,
it's not even that you love them. You go, but
I know they love me. I know underneath all of
that they love me. They've convinced you they love you
even though they don't act that way. And we've convinced
ourselves that they love us even though they don't behave
that way. How many times have you seen sign after
(10:00):
sign after sign that everyone can see. You can see
it too, but you gloss over it with love, right,
You just wipe over it with love and you say, no, no, no,
but we love each other. It's okay, we love each other. Right,
And you keep doing that until that cloth that you're
wiping it gets smaller and smaller and smaller, and now
you can't wipe anything with it, and again it's apparent
(10:22):
to you that love is not enough. Focus on behaviors,
actions and check those behaviors and actions. By the way,
sometimes people don't know what actions and behaviors you count
as love, and they not may not know which ones
you count as love, Ask them how do you show love?
(10:44):
When do you show love? And here's how I show love?
And he is when I show love. This is what
it looks like that communication. To match those patterns with
what the person says. And that's why I use the
word patterns because people are patterns. We're all patterns, right.
There's very few people that are not repeating patterns. We
(11:09):
repeat communication styles, we repeat how we deal with conflict,
we repeat how we deal with stress and anger. Those
things are repeated again and again and again. Love makes
you forget patterns of behavior. It makes you focus on
what that person says, what you may feel around them,
but not what that person does. It's time to start
(11:31):
focusing on actual effort, on actual action. If you're constantly
justifying someone's behaviors to make sense of them. Sometimes, by
the way, it's fair to do that, right. No one's perfect,
no one's going to tick all your boxes. But you
have to ask yourself how much are you justifying? How
(11:52):
much are you filling in the blanks versus how much
are you truly understanding the person? Being a human and
having limited right, Sometimes we can just have godly expectations
of someone, and it's important to actually say, well, I
can't expect godly patterns, but am I just seeing a
pattern that's actually negative and repetitive? Then I am positive
(12:16):
and momentum based moving in the right direction. Love is
not enough because it makes you forget emotional maturity. This
is what's fascinating about this love is not enough statement
is that it actually acts as forgetfulness. It's almost like
you get amnesia from what really matters because you use
(12:36):
love as the cover up. You lose love as the
band aid, and love makes you forget someone's level of
emotional maturity. Do you believe this person knows how to
engage in emotionally healthy conversations? Do you believe that this
person is emotionally mature when it comes to managing their
(12:59):
own emotions? So, the American behavioral Clinics definition is emotional
maturity is the ability to understand, manage, and express emotions
in a way that promotes personal growth and healthy relationships.
That's one of the things that we're really really looking for,
(13:20):
right We're really really looking for that. One of the
things I love that I've read from Roger k Allen
is he talks about the stages of emotional maturity. So
he talks about how survival is fear based living, security
is duty based living, success is ego based living, and
(13:41):
serenity is love, trust, and I'd like to think peace
based living. So when you're looking at emotional maturity, you're
looking at does your relationship work from a place of survival?
Are you constantly breaking up? Making up? Are you just
trying to survive? Is that the energy that you're carrying
in your relationship? Because then love is enough? Is it? Security?
(14:02):
Is it duty? And safety? Is it because oh I
feel secure, I'd rather not be alone? Is it success?
I was speaking to someone the other day and he
said to me, he said, this woman said to him,
you're a high value man. That's why I want to
be with you. Now that language has really perpetuated itself
(14:22):
into modern daily love speak, and it's really really interesting
to me because when I asked him, what do you
think that person's top value is? He said power, and
that that person has been making dating decisions based on power.
So that success and ego based living, Now, what does
that mean? That level of emotional maturity means even if
(14:45):
you love each other, if someone is more powerful, more
success based more ego based. That's an easy trade, right,
That's an easy way for that person to move on.
So love makes us forget that, love makes us go
oh no, but they love us like we are that
and for them, rather than actually being clear and going okay, well,
wait a minute, does this person bring peace into my life?
(15:06):
And I think this is often I'd say peace is
one of the most underrated relationship benefits. I think we
think of things like chemistry, this spark, we think a pleasure. Again,
I'm not saying any of those things are not good
to think about, but the healthiest, longest lasting relationships are
based on peace. Right. It's peace that keeps relationships together.
(15:30):
Pleasure may start relationships, peace continues relationships. I saw a
quote the other day that said, if your home is
a place of peace, you've broken the cycle. I saw
on Instagram. I took a screenshot send it to RADI,
and I just said, this is what we're building, right,
this is what we're working on. We want our home
to be a place of peace. Notice I didn't say
(15:52):
this is what we've done, we've achieved it. It's what
we're working on. It's what we're building, it's what we're
creating together what we're founding together, So don't let love
overshadow a lack of emotional maturity. The next is love
makes you forget their trauma and how they treat you.
(16:15):
When you love someone, you automatically feel a false sense
of compassion towards them. What I mean by this is
you see the pain they've been through, which is, by
the way, an important part, but you sometimes negate how
that pain creates pain for you. Now, loving someone means
to understand their pain, Loving someone means to recognize their pain,
(16:38):
and loving someone means to accept that people have pain.
But loving someone doesn't mean that that person's pain causes
you pain and you ignore that pain just because you
know where it's come from. Knowing where it's come from
and where it originates from is healthy and important, and
it's a valuable part of being in love. But just
because you love someone doesn't mean that you ignore their
(17:00):
trauma and how their trauma makes them treat you. I
read this great point from I Think He was collected
by the Lady Alchemist Tchee Lady Alchemist, and it said
I just broke things off with my boyfriend a few
days ago. We were good, We got along well, had
fun together, and grew together, but his mother kept interfering.
(17:21):
He claimed he loved me, which I do believe was genuine,
but he'd never take the actions necessary to solidify or
protect our relationship. I stuck around for three months while
he tried to convince his mother into letting him continue
dating me. Just because you love someone the feeling, it
doesn't mean things will always work. I ended up breaking
(17:42):
up with him. I want an adult relationship and not
a man afraid of his mother at twenty four years old.
Now that's someone being honest about what they want and
what they're looking for and what's important to them. And
as Stephen Chubowski says, we accept the love think we deserve,
and I think a lot of that. Let me just
(18:03):
say that again. Stephen Jabowski said, we accept the love
we think we deserve. And often the reason why we
let someone love us in their trauma, in their pain,
is because there's a familiarity we have with it. Maybe
we weren't the top priority to a parent, and now
that person is mirroring it and it actually feels familiar.
(18:26):
Maybe a parent loved us but made us feel guilty
or shameful and now this person does that and it
feels familiar. Often the way someone loves us through trauma
is familiar to the trauma we've been through, and we
keep accepting that. But remember that Steven Scheaboski said, we
accept the love we think we deserve, and what we
(18:47):
have to do is ask ourselves, what type of life
do we want? What type of love do we want?
It's not going to be perfect, and we're probably gonna
have to understand that the version we want probably doesn't
even exist, because it's almost like the God love that
we're looking for. And what I mean by that is
this perfect, universal, godly type of love that we all crave.
(19:08):
We all have that God shaped hole in our heart
that we're trying to fill and we're not going to
get that. But are we getting a love that's healthy?
Are we creating a love that's healthy with that individual?
So it's really important to talk about trauma, to understand
that person's trauma, and don't let love just overshadow that.
(19:29):
The next one is love versus support. What we really
want is support. Love isn't enough. You need support. You
want a partnership, not just a relationship. I was speaking
to a friend the other day, and he was talking
about how he finds himself doing everything in a relationship. Now,
(19:50):
whenever anyone says that to me, my first version is
to be skeptical and thoughtful about it and say, look,
when we look at the scorecard of love. It's great
not to have a scorecard, but we all keep one,
and often what we do is we only look at
the financial. We think who provides financially, But I like
people to extend their scorecard of love to physical, financial, emotional, mental,
(20:14):
and spiritual physically, who takes care of the relationship. Who's
taking care of the food, the cleaning, the groceries, the cooking.
These are all important parts of a relationship. Don't forget
that when you're coming up with your scorecard. The second
is who's financially taking care of the relationship. Who's paying
the bills, the rent, the mortgage, who's paying for all
(20:36):
the stuff, who's paying for when things go wrong, who's
paying for health insurance, whatever else it may be. The
third is who's mentally leading the relationship. This is a
lot more subtle, but we often forget it. It's almost
like who's really mentally stable in difficult times, who's really
making sure that you're both feeling secure and stable in
(20:59):
the relationship. Who's really making sure that you're both being
level headed about your decision making. Then who's emotionally leading
the relationship, who has more mood swings, and who's actually
making sure that you're happy. Who's the one who's carrying
the relationship emotionally and finally spiritually, who's the one guiding
(21:19):
you both spiritually? If that's a value for you. So
when you look at the scorecard across all five areas,
you start to realize you may not be in the lead.
But if you realize that you are the one doing
four out of five or three out of four, then
of course there is an imbalance. And obviously we use
love again. We go, oh, they're busy, they're fine, But
let's really think about that. Are we using love as
(21:42):
a way of covering up what we deserve? There's one
more I wanted to share with you, which is love
makes you forget the importance of trust. There's a quote
that I love that says trust is more valuable than
love because you can't love someone you don't trust, right,
(22:03):
you can trust someone you don't love that you trust
someone that you work with and you may not love them,
but you can't love someone you don't trust. And that's
why trust is more valuable than love, because you can't.
And often what we've realized is you're like, I love them,
but I don't trust them. I want to check their
phone all the time. I love them, but I don't
(22:23):
trust them. I'm wondering where they are at night. I
love them, but I don't trust them. And of course
we have to ask ourselves, do we not trust them
because of our own trauma? Or do we trust them
not trust them because of their behavior? That's the next question, right,
The next question is going to force someone into being trustworthy.
It's to say, wait a minute, is it my own
conditioning that's holding me back or is it the way
(22:45):
they behave Now. If it's my own conditioning, let me
work on that, let me build up my attachment styles,
let me become healthier with myself. But if it's their behavior,
let me not let that lead me to a relationship
I don't want. I hope this relationship helps you understand
that love is beautiful, it's powerful, it's necessary, but there's
(23:07):
more to it. And often when we keep asking ourselves,
do they love me, do I love them? We're not
asking the right questions. The real question is do I
trust them? Do they support me? Do I care about them?
Are they there for me? Do their patterns show up
in the way that I would want someone that I love?
(23:29):
Or are they just relying on what they say? Thank
you so much for listening. Make sure you leave a review,
Pass this on to a friend. I can't wait to
see you again on the next episode. Thank you so
much for listening, and I hope you enjoyed your walk,
your gym session, cooking, walking your dog, driving, whatever you're
doing right now. I appreciate you, and remember I'm forever
(23:49):
in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thank you.
If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with
Dr Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and how to
heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.
Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a
tree doesn't go where it's hard and thick, does it.
It goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.
The healthiest, longest lasting relationships are based on peace. Pleasure
may start relationships, peace continues relationships. I saw a quote
the other day that said, if your home is a
place of peace, you've broken the cycle. The number one
health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty Jay Shetty Z, Hey everyone,
(00:24):
welcome back to On Purpose. I'm so so happy to
be with you. It's your host, Jay Shetty, and I
couldn't be more grateful that you tuned in today, especially
to this episode all about the reasons why love is
not enough and what to focus on more in dating
and relationships. If you're someone who's been trying to fall
(00:46):
in love, trying to find love, looking for love, this
episode is for you. If you're someone who's kind of
falling in and out of love, trying to figure out
whether you're still in love with the person, this episode
is for you. And if you're one of those people
that had to walk away from love, this episode is
for you now. I was thinking, as I was reflecting
(01:10):
on this topic about that old game that I think
I used to watch people play in primary school, elementary school,
where someone would grab a daisy and the game would
go he loves me, He loves me not? And I
was looking this up on the internet and he was
talking about how this is a game of French origin
(01:33):
in which one person seeks to determine whether the object
of their affection returns that affection. Fancy way of saying
he loves me, he loves me not. Now, what was
interesting about that is this idea that we are constantly,
since we're young, trained to ask that question, do they
love me? Do they love me yet? Are they in
(01:54):
love with me? When? Will they be in love with me?
When will they tell me they love me? And the
same back them? Am I ready to love them? But
here's what I want to ask you in this episode.
Have you ever felt you loved someone but knew they
weren't right for you. Let me say that again. Have
(02:14):
you ever felt you loved someone but knew they weren't
right for you? How many times have you been in
that position before? Or you love someone but they weren't
good to you. How many of you have experienced that
where you love someone, you had strong feelings for someone,
but they weren't good to you. Maybe you're in that
(02:36):
position right now, and I'm so happy that you're listening
to this episode or maybe you love them, but you
didn't trust them. How many of you know someone who's
dating someone right now where they say they love them,
but you know they don't trust them. And what's really
interesting about all of this is we we often hear
(02:56):
our friends, our family members, people we love make excuses
people that they're dating, like, oh, yeah, he loves me,
but you know, sometimes I wonder why he doesn't care
or she loves me, but sometimes I wonder whether she's
just with me for fill in the blank. Here's the reality.
If they loved you, they're call. If they loved you,
(03:20):
they'd care. If they loved you, they'd ask. If they
loved you, you'd know. And often our feelings of love
for someone make us forget that love is not enough,
because what we really want is not just someone to
say I love you. We want someone who makes us
(03:44):
feel loved, makes us feel cared for, makes us feel seen, heard, understood,
and someone that we do that back to. We don't
want someone who just says they love us. We want
someone who lives like they do. We want the actions,
we want the behaviors. And so when I say love
is done enough, it's not because I want to be negative.
(04:06):
It's not because I want to put it down on love.
It's because so many of us place love on this pedestal,
and we believe that love is enough because we've been
told that love is all we need. Right, That's what
we've been told, That's what we've repeated. And so I
(04:27):
want to talk today about what we should focus on,
what we should notice, what we should amplify in our relationships,
in order to make sure that we're not misled by
what we think is love. Partly, one of the challenges
is that we live in a world where we only
(04:48):
have one word for love. But the Greeks had seven
words for love. The Vaders have five words for love.
Love was far more of a detailed, complex topic, and
it's become oversimplified in our modern day. So love makes
us forget the importance of values. How many times have
(05:12):
you sacrificed, negotiated with, or put aside one of your
values because you thought you loved someone. Right, So you
had a really important value, Maybe you had an event
that was really important to you. Maybe you had a
person that was really important to you, a friendship, but
you put it aside because you thought you were in
love with someone. How many times have you ever regretted
(05:34):
that in the future? How many times did you feel
that was the best thing I ever did. It's really interesting,
isn't it that if we love someone, we often forego
our values, We put aside our values, when actually, if
someone loved us, they would never let us do that.
That wouldn't be the way they'd want us to act.
And so values are such a critical part of the
(05:56):
love setup. This is one of the reasons why when
I've become a relationship advisor at Match, one of the
first things we built was a value based assessment. This
was to help you with a quiz to understand your
own values so that we could pair you with other
people who are a self aware about their values and
they may even share similar values. If you want to
(06:19):
check that out, you can go to match dot com,
forward slash Ja. And that was so important to me
because I wanted us to recognize that love is not enough.
If you couldn't name your partner's top three values and
they can't name your top three values, that's proved to
you that love is not enough. What is it that
your partner would never let you sacrifice? What is something
(06:43):
that you would want to sacrifice out of love, but
your partner would never let you sacrifice that is a
deep value to you. For example, for me, I know
that Radi one of her biggest values is family. And
so whether it's her visiting London, whether it's her wanting
to organize vacations for our family, whether it's her wanting
to create experiences and memories, I know that that's the
(07:06):
most important thing to her in the world, and I
would never want her to give that up, no matter
how important something is to me, no matter how important
it is. And she knows that for me, my purpose
is my biggest priority and my biggest value, and no
matter how important something is to her, she won't want
me to give that up. But love often makes us
(07:30):
forget our values. And in love, we want people to
forget their values. We want our partner to sacrifice their
values to show us they love us. But that doesn't
sound like love. It sounds like manipulation. It sounds like control.
But love can often make you think you're doing things
(07:50):
that are higher. You almost manipulate yourself into thinking, oh,
I really love this person because I'm willing to give
this up. So love makes you forget your values. It
makes you forget your partner's values. And that's why love
can't be enough, because after weeks, months, years of putting
aside your values, and when you feel misaligned, you wonder,
(08:12):
why did I ever do that? Why did I give
that up? That was so important to me, that was
such a priority to me. How did I let that
just go? How did I let that just fade? How
did I let that just be? So? Ask yourself? Are
you getting to prioritize your values? Does your partner prioritize
your values? Do you even know what your values are?
(08:36):
Are you aware of how they stack? I think a
lot of us deprioritize our values because we don't know them,
And a lot of us struggle in love because we're
hoping that love will make up for the lack of
knowledge we have and the lack of awareness we have.
(08:56):
This second one is probably the most common one, but
it's the most avoidable because of love. Love makes you
forget patterns of behavior. Sometimes the wrong people will say
the right things, Sometimes the right people will say the
(09:16):
wrong things. Trust patterns, not what people say. So many
of us let me just say that all again. Sometimes
the wrong people will say the right things. Sometimes the right,
people will say the wrong things. Trust patterns, not what
people say. How many times is love made you forego
(09:38):
what you see? You see someone make a mistake after
mistake after mistake, and you go, oh, but they love me. See,
it's not even that you love them. You go, but
I know they love me. I know underneath all of
that they love me. They've convinced you they love you
even though they don't act that way. And we've convinced
ourselves that they love us even though they don't behave
that way. How many times have you seen sign after
(10:00):
sign after sign that everyone can see. You can see
it too, but you gloss over it with love, right,
You just wipe over it with love and you say, no, no, no,
but we love each other. It's okay, we love each other. Right,
And you keep doing that until that cloth that you're
wiping it gets smaller and smaller and smaller, and now
you can't wipe anything with it, and again it's apparent
(10:22):
to you that love is not enough. Focus on behaviors,
actions and check those behaviors and actions. By the way,
sometimes people don't know what actions and behaviors you count
as love, and they not may not know which ones
you count as love, Ask them how do you show love?
(10:44):
When do you show love? And here's how I show love?
And he is when I show love. This is what
it looks like that communication. To match those patterns with
what the person says. And that's why I use the
word patterns because people are patterns. We're all patterns, right.
There's very few people that are not repeating patterns. We
(11:09):
repeat communication styles, we repeat how we deal with conflict,
we repeat how we deal with stress and anger. Those
things are repeated again and again and again. Love makes
you forget patterns of behavior. It makes you focus on
what that person says, what you may feel around them,
but not what that person does. It's time to start
(11:31):
focusing on actual effort, on actual action. If you're constantly
justifying someone's behaviors to make sense of them. Sometimes, by
the way, it's fair to do that, right. No one's perfect,
no one's going to tick all your boxes. But you
have to ask yourself how much are you justifying? How
(11:52):
much are you filling in the blanks versus how much
are you truly understanding the person? Being a human and
having limited right, Sometimes we can just have godly expectations
of someone, and it's important to actually say, well, I
can't expect godly patterns, but am I just seeing a
pattern that's actually negative and repetitive? Then I am positive
(12:16):
and momentum based moving in the right direction. Love is
not enough because it makes you forget emotional maturity. This
is what's fascinating about this love is not enough statement
is that it actually acts as forgetfulness. It's almost like
you get amnesia from what really matters because you use
(12:36):
love as the cover up. You lose love as the
band aid, and love makes you forget someone's level of
emotional maturity. Do you believe this person knows how to
engage in emotionally healthy conversations? Do you believe that this
person is emotionally mature when it comes to managing their
(12:59):
own emotions? So, the American behavioral Clinics definition is emotional
maturity is the ability to understand, manage, and express emotions
in a way that promotes personal growth and healthy relationships.
That's one of the things that we're really really looking for,
(13:20):
right We're really really looking for that. One of the
things I love that I've read from Roger k Allen
is he talks about the stages of emotional maturity. So
he talks about how survival is fear based living, security
is duty based living, success is ego based living, and
(13:41):
serenity is love, trust, and I'd like to think peace
based living. So when you're looking at emotional maturity, you're
looking at does your relationship work from a place of survival?
Are you constantly breaking up? Making up? Are you just
trying to survive? Is that the energy that you're carrying
in your relationship? Because then love is enough? Is it? Security?
(14:02):
Is it duty? And safety? Is it because oh I
feel secure, I'd rather not be alone? Is it success?
I was speaking to someone the other day and he
said to me, he said, this woman said to him,
you're a high value man. That's why I want to
be with you. Now that language has really perpetuated itself
(14:22):
into modern daily love speak, and it's really really interesting
to me because when I asked him, what do you
think that person's top value is? He said power, and
that that person has been making dating decisions based on power.
So that success and ego based living, Now, what does
that mean? That level of emotional maturity means even if
(14:45):
you love each other, if someone is more powerful, more
success based more ego based. That's an easy trade, right,
That's an easy way for that person to move on.
So love makes us forget that, love makes us go
oh no, but they love us like we are that
and for them, rather than actually being clear and going okay, well,
wait a minute, does this person bring peace into my life?
(15:06):
And I think this is often I'd say peace is
one of the most underrated relationship benefits. I think we
think of things like chemistry, this spark, we think a pleasure. Again,
I'm not saying any of those things are not good
to think about, but the healthiest, longest lasting relationships are
based on peace. Right. It's peace that keeps relationships together.
(15:30):
Pleasure may start relationships, peace continues relationships. I saw a
quote the other day that said, if your home is
a place of peace, you've broken the cycle. I saw
on Instagram. I took a screenshot send it to RADI,
and I just said, this is what we're building, right,
this is what we're working on. We want our home
to be a place of peace. Notice I didn't say
(15:52):
this is what we've done, we've achieved it. It's what
we're working on. It's what we're building, it's what we're
creating together what we're founding together, So don't let love
overshadow a lack of emotional maturity. The next is love
makes you forget their trauma and how they treat you.
(16:15):
When you love someone, you automatically feel a false sense
of compassion towards them. What I mean by this is
you see the pain they've been through, which is, by
the way, an important part, but you sometimes negate how
that pain creates pain for you. Now, loving someone means
to understand their pain, Loving someone means to recognize their pain,
(16:38):
and loving someone means to accept that people have pain.
But loving someone doesn't mean that that person's pain causes
you pain and you ignore that pain just because you
know where it's come from. Knowing where it's come from
and where it originates from is healthy and important, and
it's a valuable part of being in love. But just
because you love someone doesn't mean that you ignore their
(17:00):
trauma and how their trauma makes them treat you. I
read this great point from I Think He was collected
by the Lady Alchemist Tchee Lady Alchemist, and it said
I just broke things off with my boyfriend a few
days ago. We were good, We got along well, had
fun together, and grew together, but his mother kept interfering.
(17:21):
He claimed he loved me, which I do believe was genuine,
but he'd never take the actions necessary to solidify or
protect our relationship. I stuck around for three months while
he tried to convince his mother into letting him continue
dating me. Just because you love someone the feeling, it
doesn't mean things will always work. I ended up breaking
(17:42):
up with him. I want an adult relationship and not
a man afraid of his mother at twenty four years old.
Now that's someone being honest about what they want and
what they're looking for and what's important to them. And
as Stephen Chubowski says, we accept the love think we deserve,
and I think a lot of that. Let me just
(18:03):
say that again. Stephen Jabowski said, we accept the love
we think we deserve. And often the reason why we
let someone love us in their trauma, in their pain,
is because there's a familiarity we have with it. Maybe
we weren't the top priority to a parent, and now
that person is mirroring it and it actually feels familiar.
(18:26):
Maybe a parent loved us but made us feel guilty
or shameful and now this person does that and it
feels familiar. Often the way someone loves us through trauma
is familiar to the trauma we've been through, and we
keep accepting that. But remember that Steven Scheaboski said, we
accept the love we think we deserve, and what we
(18:47):
have to do is ask ourselves, what type of life
do we want? What type of love do we want?
It's not going to be perfect, and we're probably gonna
have to understand that the version we want probably doesn't
even exist, because it's almost like the God love that
we're looking for. And what I mean by that is
this perfect, universal, godly type of love that we all crave.
(19:08):
We all have that God shaped hole in our heart
that we're trying to fill and we're not going to
get that. But are we getting a love that's healthy?
Are we creating a love that's healthy with that individual?
So it's really important to talk about trauma, to understand
that person's trauma, and don't let love just overshadow that.
(19:29):
The next one is love versus support. What we really
want is support. Love isn't enough. You need support. You
want a partnership, not just a relationship. I was speaking
to a friend the other day, and he was talking
about how he finds himself doing everything in a relationship. Now,
(19:50):
whenever anyone says that to me, my first version is
to be skeptical and thoughtful about it and say, look,
when we look at the scorecard of love. It's great
not to have a scorecard, but we all keep one,
and often what we do is we only look at
the financial. We think who provides financially, But I like
people to extend their scorecard of love to physical, financial, emotional, mental,
(20:14):
and spiritual physically, who takes care of the relationship. Who's
taking care of the food, the cleaning, the groceries, the cooking.
These are all important parts of a relationship. Don't forget
that when you're coming up with your scorecard. The second
is who's financially taking care of the relationship. Who's paying
the bills, the rent, the mortgage, who's paying for all
(20:36):
the stuff, who's paying for when things go wrong, who's
paying for health insurance, whatever else it may be. The
third is who's mentally leading the relationship. This is a
lot more subtle, but we often forget it. It's almost
like who's really mentally stable in difficult times, who's really
making sure that you're both feeling secure and stable in
(20:59):
the relationship. Who's really making sure that you're both being
level headed about your decision making. Then who's emotionally leading
the relationship, who has more mood swings, and who's actually
making sure that you're happy. Who's the one who's carrying
the relationship emotionally and finally spiritually, who's the one guiding
(21:19):
you both spiritually? If that's a value for you. So
when you look at the scorecard across all five areas,
you start to realize you may not be in the lead.
But if you realize that you are the one doing
four out of five or three out of four, then
of course there is an imbalance. And obviously we use
love again. We go, oh, they're busy, they're fine, But
let's really think about that. Are we using love as
(21:42):
a way of covering up what we deserve? There's one
more I wanted to share with you, which is love
makes you forget the importance of trust. There's a quote
that I love that says trust is more valuable than
love because you can't love someone you don't trust, right,
(22:03):
you can trust someone you don't love that you trust
someone that you work with and you may not love them,
but you can't love someone you don't trust. And that's
why trust is more valuable than love, because you can't.
And often what we've realized is you're like, I love them,
but I don't trust them. I want to check their
phone all the time. I love them, but I don't
(22:23):
trust them. I'm wondering where they are at night. I
love them, but I don't trust them. And of course
we have to ask ourselves, do we not trust them
because of our own trauma? Or do we trust them
not trust them because of their behavior? That's the next question, right,
The next question is going to force someone into being trustworthy.
It's to say, wait a minute, is it my own
conditioning that's holding me back or is it the way
(22:45):
they behave Now. If it's my own conditioning, let me
work on that, let me build up my attachment styles,
let me become healthier with myself. But if it's their behavior,
let me not let that lead me to a relationship
I don't want. I hope this relationship helps you understand
that love is beautiful, it's powerful, it's necessary, but there's
(23:07):
more to it. And often when we keep asking ourselves,
do they love me, do I love them? We're not
asking the right questions. The real question is do I
trust them? Do they support me? Do I care about them?
Are they there for me? Do their patterns show up
in the way that I would want someone that I love?
(23:29):
Or are they just relying on what they say? Thank
you so much for listening. Make sure you leave a review,
Pass this on to a friend. I can't wait to
see you again on the next episode. Thank you so
much for listening, and I hope you enjoyed your walk,
your gym session, cooking, walking your dog, driving, whatever you're
doing right now. I appreciate you, and remember I'm forever
(23:49):
in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thank you.
If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with
Dr Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and how to
heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.
Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a
tree doesn't go where it's hard and thick, does it.
It goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.
Host
Jay Shetty
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