Why You Are Restricting Your Desires in Your Relationship & How to Stop Blocking Yourself from the Happiness You Deserve with Lisa Bilyeu

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's imperative when you get into a relationship before you
commit who leads and who follows. Think about in dancing,
you can't have two leaders. You just can't think about
running a company. You can't have two CEOs. You have
to have that moment of who is leading and who
is following.

Speaker 2 (00:16):
Hey, everyone, I've got some huge news to share with you.
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(00:37):
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Speaker 3 (00:49):
Subscribe right now the number one health and wellness podcast.

Speaker 1 (00:53):
Jay Shed Jay Sheddy Only Shed.

Speaker 3 (00:59):
Everyone.

Speaker 2 (01:00):
Welcome back to on Purpose, the place you come to
become a happier, healthier and more healed. Thanks for tuning
in again. I'm so grateful. Whether you're watching this live,
whether you're listening to me, I appreciate you deeply today's guest.
I believe this is her third time on the show,
which is epic. It's because she's one of my favorite
people offline and I love these online transitions and conversations

(01:23):
with her. I'm speaking about Lisa Billu, an entrepreneur, producer,
best selling author, public speaker, and host. Lisa co founded
the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition and his co founder
and president of Impact Theory Studios. Lisa built a global
audience while creating an impressive state of content that has

(01:43):
been viewed over half a billion times. This includes Lisa's
hit digital series Women of Impact, a show that features
extraordinary guests who, through their stories and expertise, help viewers
build their confidence. I've been lucky enough to be a
guest on the show. Lisa is one of my dear friends,
and I'm so excited to announce that her book is
out in paperback right now, Radical Confidence. It includes a

(02:06):
brand new chapter. So if you want eleven lessons on
how to get the relationship, career and life you want,
this is the book to grab. If you didn't grab
the first time, now's the time to grab it. It's
cheaper too, because it's in paperback. Welcome to the show
Lisa BILLYO Lisa, so good to see it.

Speaker 1 (02:22):
Jay my brother from another mother.

Speaker 3 (02:24):
Oh, I love it, I love it.

Speaker 4 (02:25):
It's always good. You know.

Speaker 2 (02:26):
It's like you walked in and we were already having
an amazing conversation and then we were like, oh wait, wait,
wait wait, let's let's let's start the real podcast. Lisa,
I think confidence is such a important and powerful topic.
I wanted to ask you because I think there's so
much material and you do so many interviews around confidence
and what it means and what it feels like. How

(02:48):
do you define confidence for you and what does it
mean to you? And what is something that people can
think of because I think everyone has a different view
of the word confidence.

Speaker 3 (02:59):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:59):
I think most people actually have the misinterpretation of all
confidence actually is because they usually and I was culprit
of this when I was a stay at home WiFi
eight years. I thought I needed it to get started,
and I thought I needed the confidence to live out
my dreams, to actually go towards my goals. And I
was waiting to have the confidence, and that I think
is a complete misconception. Is what actually is holding so

(03:20):
many of us back from trying anything and what I
realized was in my own journey, I actually just need
to take action. I needed to go into something very insecure,
not knowing what I was doing. Practice and practice and practicing,
you know, wax on, whax off my favorite movie Karate Kid,
and get so damn good that I build the competence
to then lead to confidence. So the truth is the

(03:42):
confidence is the byproduct of taking action, and a lot
of us don't think of it like that. We think
it's going to be the magic bullet that's going to
get us to actually take that action at the beginning.
And so that's where I actually reshaped and how I
rethought of the word confidence. And then also for me,
confidence is like an If you don't keep practicing it,

(04:02):
you won't actually get strong at it. And if you
stop practicing, you will get weaker. And just like when
you go to the gym, you may practice like your
biceps or your legs. It's a different mechanism to practice
working your calves than practice in your bicep. So that
is what confidence is. It's not you get confidence in
one area and you're good to go. It's like you

(04:23):
get confidence maybe being in front of the camera, but
being in front of the camera. As you know, jay
is very different than being on stage. So when someone
sees maybe you've got confidence in one area, it doesn't
mean that you've got confidence everywhere else. And I think people,
if it's you and you're thinking about it, you may
then think that you're incompetent, or you're no good, or
like it's just well, I don't have the gene, so

(04:45):
I may as well not get started. But the truth is,
identify where you can't want the confidence, get started, build
that competence, and then eventually it will breed confidence.

Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (04:54):
Absolutely, I can agree with you more.

Speaker 2 (04:55):
I remember once looking at the definition of confidence in
the dictionary, and one of the definitions is an appreciation
of one's own abilities, skills, and qualities. I really like
that definition, like it's actually self validation. The confidence is
being able to look at yourself and say, I'm good

(05:17):
at this. I'm actually a kind person, I'm a thoughtful person,
I am a good public speaker, I am a best
selling author, whatever it may be. And you're almost validating
a skill, quality, or attribute you have by yourself. And
I think it's so interesting, and you're right. I think
we've viewed confidences how do other people feel about us?

(05:40):
So we look at it as like, oh, that person
looks so confident because they're like walking out their car,
they got that swag, they're like dripping in great clothes
or whatever it may be. And we see that as confidence.
But we know that that person could be sitting in
there going, oh, I'm not the right size, I'm overweight, underweight,
I'm whatever else it may be, criticizing themselves.

Speaker 4 (06:02):
I was wondering, what.

Speaker 2 (06:02):
Is something that took you the longest in your life
to build confidence around?

Speaker 1 (06:09):
Ooh, I'm ever evolving. But I think it really was
to believe in myself that I'm capable. And that all
started from because I was a stay at home wife
for eight years. And I want to just make sure
that I say this though there's nothing wrong with being
a stay home wife at all. It's actually one of
the hardest jobs that was for me, but I didn't
want it. That actually wasn't my dream. It was I

(06:30):
felt like it was sucking the life out of me.
So as that staying home wife, I didn't make any
change because I didn't feel like I was capable of anything.
Because I was so insecure that voice in my head
was so negative, Jay telling me all the reasons why
I was no good to try anything, and so in
order for me to build my confidence to move forward,
I was like, well, what if I am bad? Who cares?

(06:52):
You have to actually practice? Why do I think that
I can be amazing at something?

Speaker 2 (06:56):
Right?

Speaker 1 (06:56):
If someone looks at you and they're like, oh my god,
he's such an amazing podcaster, You've been doing it years
and years and years and years. So when someone looks
at you and let's say they're comparing their beginning to
your middle or your end, you will feel incompetent. And
so for me, I had to stop looking outside of
myself at all the amazing people because I believed I
wasn't good enough to try, And so I had to
build the internal confidence to take that action, to actually

(07:19):
just try and understand that it's going to be a process.
And without that, I never would have got out of
what I call purgatory of the mundane, when my life
is just mundane enough and so I'm just stuck there
day in and day out. And that idea that even
if you don't feel good enough, you can still take action,
I think was the biggest thing that was the hardest

(07:40):
for me because I didn't want to get bullied. I
was already bullied as a kid for my looks from
other women, So you can imagine me trying anything. That
fear of being bullied from other girls was so petrifying
that I didn't even want to take a chance, and
so realizing A have to build that within myself. And
you said the word validate actually earlier. That word really
sticks with me with me because I think a lot

(08:00):
of us wait for validation external validation. We wait for
someone to tell us that we're a good Greek wife
or an amazing husband or a fantastic wife, and that
can actually hold us where we are because I was
so seeking validation from everybody else, and at the time,
I was getting validation from being that stay at home wife,

(08:21):
And so you can imagine I have low self esteem.
I don't believe in myself. I don't think I'm good enough,
and everyone's validating me for this one thing, even though
I don't like that one thing. That validation, that feeling
good about yourself is what kept me there. So I
think the trick is is how do you make sure
that you validate yourself? And that became the path for

(08:42):
me building my confidence every single day. What am I
going to do today to validate myself? Not get validation
from my partner, from my boyfriend from the exit? How
many likes I got on Instagram? No, no, how can
I validate myself? And that became my north star versus
everyone else making me feel good about myself.

Speaker 2 (09:00):
Absolutely, I mean, how did you get the courage to
admit to yourself that you weren't happy in that moment?
Because I feel like a lot of people, friends that
I know people have in my life will kind of
tell themselves the story and we have to because you
have to survive and you need a coping mechanism, and
we'll just be like, no, I'm all right, I'm okay, Nah,

(09:23):
you know this is life, Like it's all right, this
is my you know, this is my lot in life,
and this is what I have to do, and this
is just how it is. And we say these things
because we're scared of what maybe on the other side
of admitting to ourselves that actually where I am is
not where I want to be, and we kind of
supplement it with, oh, everyone thinks I'm doing all right,

(09:45):
so of course I can't be doing that badly. How
do you kind of get the courage to say, you
know what, I don't want this life, because I think
that statement requires a lot of courage, And I know
I was scared to admit it to myself. When I
was I'd already left the monastery. I was in a
corporate job. It was safe, it was stable, it was sturdy.
Career progression was obvious, and here I was going. And

(10:07):
by the way, I was so scared I would never
get a job after leaving the monastery. So even having
a job, I was very grateful because no one would
give me one. So now for me to be like, okay,
I need to break this away and everyone's like, wait
a minute, you're lucky to have a job.

Speaker 4 (10:21):
Bro, you didn't work for three years.

Speaker 2 (10:23):
So how did you get the courage to admit to
yourself I'm not happy here?

Speaker 3 (10:29):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (10:30):
So I love this question because it's such a small
dripping effect, and I liken it to water dripping on
a stone. A couple of jobs, not a big deal.
Over time you do that year after year after year,
what happens to that rock? It actually starts to change
its shape. And that's what I started to realize. Me
ignoring my happiness, ignoring what I actually wanted, started to

(10:51):
change the shape of how I saw myself. And after
eight years, I didn't look like what was looking back
at me in the mirror. I couldn't recognize myself because
I wasn't speaking up, I wasn't having my voice. And
so there were a couple of things that I realized
that really became like the straw that broke the camel's back,
if you will. One of them was I was using gratitude,
which I love. Right, It's like, be grateful for the

(11:13):
things you have because there are other people out that
don't have that. So the first couple of years from
in my marriage, I was using gratitude, even though I
didn't want to be the state at home wife. Now
that looked like, my God, I don't like being a
state I don't like cooking and cleaning. But actually, I'm
so grateful I have a husband that loves me. My God,
the amount of people that don't have that healthy relationship.

(11:34):
I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful I've got a roof
over my head. I'm so grateful. Filling the blank and
that was wonderful become year four year five year, six
year seven, that gratitude started to really turn its head
into almost toxic gratitude, which every time that voice that
was speaking, are you happy, Lisa, like you don't seem happy?

(11:54):
I would use the gratitude to shut her down. And
that looked like, how ungratefully you? How ungratefully are you
that you want something else when you've got a husband
that loves you. How ungratefully you, Lisa? You want to
go out in the workforce when you don't have to.
So that voice, that gratitude started to come really toxic,
and so identifying that allowing the voice in my head

(12:16):
to just turn up the volume, allow her to actually speak.
Because we've been taught, especially for me growing up Greek
orthodox is you live in service of everybody else. You
live in service of the family, the husband, the kids,
and so you put yourself last. And I started to realize,
this voice is getting louder. What happens if I actually

(12:38):
start to listen to her? What does that look like?
Because I'm such a self ownership person, and so if
I'm unhappy, what am I going to do about it?
What choices am I going to make different that's going
to lead me to a different outcome, and I started
to realize it was all on me. I hadn't spoken
up and told tom my husband that I was unhappy.
So let's just address step one. Acknowledge Lisa, you're unhappy

(13:03):
without shame and guilt. Acknowledge it to myself. That was
step one. Then acknowledge it to my husband. I love
you more than life it's self, babe, but I don't
want to cook for you and clean for you anymore.
Voicing that having the strength the courage you said that earlier,
having the courage to really own where you are instead
of sitting in the shame was a massive thing. And

(13:25):
then the final thing is just project your life out.
What does it look like if you don't make a
change in a year, in five years, and ten years
and twenty years. And the truth is I would have
been doing the same thing. I would have then slipped
into being a mother. I would because that's what my
culture told me. And then I would have slipped into
given over to the children and the husband. And in

(13:46):
ten twenty years, I'm exactly where I am, just on
a different scale. And those elements were the things that
I'm like, oh will no one's coming to save you.
No one's going to come and change your life for you.
So what am I going to do now to make
that change?

Speaker 2 (14:02):
That resonates so deeply? And I love that you brought
up that toxic gratitude point because it's so interesting how
we somehow deep down believe we deserve so little, right like,
and whether it's conditioning where we grew up, there's there's
a sense inside of us. And by the way I
can relate to all of that, we grew up in
the same area. We've talked about this before.

Speaker 1 (14:23):
I block away from me literally.

Speaker 2 (14:26):
And you know, I kind of like when people ask
me now, like, you know, how does it feel? And everything,
I'm like, I actually never in a million years believed
that any of this would ever be possible, or even
that I even had a dream for it.

Speaker 4 (14:41):
I don't even think I dreamed this big.

Speaker 2 (14:44):
And there was a part of me that just was
okay with whatever would have come and whatever would have
been and what everyone around me was doing. And now
I see that that was because somewhere deep inside of myself,
I was hampering my potential. I was restricting my desire
because it's almost like you're so scared that it may

(15:05):
never happen that you'd rather not allow the possibility.

Speaker 4 (15:09):
Does that make sense?

Speaker 1 (15:10):
Yeah, the fear of failure is actually or failing is
actually worse than the fear of failing. So you're like,
wells were sitting the fear of failing, the actually fail
and have everyone see it.

Speaker 4 (15:19):
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3 (15:21):
Hey everyone, it's Jay here.

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(15:45):
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Speaker 4 (16:02):
So for you, what was that? Like?

Speaker 2 (16:05):
Like, I guess how have you dealt with that? Like
you've been on both ends now, Like you've been in
a place where you didn't even feel like you were
allowed to deserve a different life. You've now built one
of the most successful companies. You've built another incredible media company,
Like you know, it's you've now seen the other end.

(16:26):
How is your belief system changed around what you deserve
and what's possible?

Speaker 1 (16:31):
Yeah, I think it starts with frame of reference. So
people don't actually realize that they have a frame of reference.
And just to kind of explain, frame of reference is
just the way you see the world, the way you
think it ought to be, not the way it necessarily is.
And so my frame of reference is going to be
very different than your frame of reference. And so take,
for instance, the very first time I introduced Tom to
my family. So I've got very big, loud Greek family,

(16:53):
and everyone talks over each other. Everyone's yells at each other,
and so Tom comes and meets them, and that's the
family everyone's yelling, and so we leave and I'm like,
oh my god, they clearly loved him, because they're clearly
very comfortable around him. So I can't wait to hear
how much he loves my family. So we get in
the calm, like, Babe, what do you think and he's like,
they were so disrespectful, and I was like what, And

(17:14):
he's like, I can't believe, Lisa, Everyone's just screaming and
yelling at each other. They asked me a question. They
don't listen. Frame of reference. My frame of reference. When
someone yells and screams like in a happy way, it's
actually a sign of greeting you, being comfortable around you.
But Tom's frame of reference is when someone's yelling, it
means disrespect. So that just gives an example of what

(17:36):
frame of reference means. So you don't actually question your
frame of reference. And I think that was the massive thing.
Is I still right now to this day, will now
every day question my frame of reference on the way
that I see things because maybe I'm missing something. So
being the stay at home wife, my frame of reference was, well,
this is what a woman does. You're going to have children,

(17:58):
you will get married. It didn't even dawn on me,
Jay that I could question whether I want kids or not.
It didn't dawn on me. And so going from that
to where I am now is because I literally will
question my frame of reference every day because it's your
frame of reference that gets in the way of you
having the dream. How many people say I can't. I

(18:19):
remember once I was coaching somebody and they were saying
about how they're building this business. And this woman she's
just had a baby, and she freaking loves that she's
building this business. She feels so good about herself and
her dad. Every day wouold has a key comes in
her house and would sit down at dinner and basically
say that she was a neglectful mother. And she's like,
I don't know what to do, Lisa, And I said, Okay, well,

(18:40):
he's got a key to your house. Either tell your
dad that he has to be per set boundaries or
he doesn't get the key to your house. She's like,
I can't do that. I'm like, yes, you can, you
just don't want to. Your frame of reference may be
that I'm a terrible daughter if I take the keys
away from my dad, But how is it serving you?
And so that I think was the massive thing that

(19:02):
I realized that I had a frame of reference about life,
belief system, whatever you want to call it, and sometimes
it doesn't serve my dreams, my goals and where I
want to go. And so having the self awareness to
ask myself, where am I where do I want to go?
How am I going to get there? And what belief
system do I have that's either going to propel me

(19:23):
forward or hold me back?

Speaker 4 (19:26):
What did you do in this?

Speaker 2 (19:28):
I think another thing that and I know a lot
of women, especially struggle with this. What did you and
Tom done before the point that you could actually have
the courage and confidence to go and say to him,
I love you, but I don't want to cook and
clean anymore? Because to me, that kind of a transition

(19:48):
in most marriages or long term relationships, it could look
like I love you, I don't want to live here anymore,
I love you, I don't like this thing that you do.
I love you, but whatever, right?

Speaker 4 (20:04):
Fill in the blank.

Speaker 2 (20:06):
What had you and Tom done before that you felt
confident enough to say that that you knew it would land?
Or did you actually take a risk and you didn't
know at that point whether he'd react positively or negative?
Obviously now you've been together and all the rest of it,
But in that moment, did you know that he would
react well to it? Or did you take a risk
because it was so true to you?

Speaker 1 (20:25):
Yeah, everything's a risk. You never how many times have
you spoken to someone you're like, I know exactly what
the hearse is going to be, and then like, oh,
you go to RADI right, and you're like all right,
and then she gives you a completely different response than
you ever expected. But you still know him for so
many years. So I didn't and there's never a guarantee.
But really I went into it going, Okay, how would
I want him to talk to me about this? Because
here's the thing. I need to be very self aware

(20:47):
that I'm about to make his life more difficult. So,
just to paint the picture, he would wake up, his
clothes were next to him, literally by his bedjay he
would put them on. He would go to the gym,
he'd come back his work clothes already, he'd get changed.
I would hand him lunch to take to work so
he didn't have to do anything in the house. So
I knew I can't pretend that his life isn't going
to be worse. It is. I'm making his life more difficult,

(21:09):
so a have give him the grace that of course
he's going to have an opinion. Of course it's actually
going to make his life more difficult.

Speaker 3 (21:16):
So give him even though it's unfair.

Speaker 1 (21:19):
Exactly for you.

Speaker 2 (21:20):
Yes, you still are being empathetic and giving grace.

Speaker 1 (21:23):
Of course, and even with the unfair though I agree
to it, it wasn't like he was like forcing me
to do it. So that's another thing I said, Yes,
I also chose that life, so I had to take
ownership over. I chose this as well. He didn't force
me to. But now I want to make a change,
So how do I do it? So giving him the
grace that of course is going to have a feeling,

(21:44):
and then understanding the idea of grief. Grief is where
you have to let go of something, someone, something that
you didn't expect. And so he had an idea of
the wife that I was because I had painted that
idea for eight years. So I know he's going to
have to grieve the wife that I was. So giving

(22:05):
him the space to grieve is super important. And then
the last thing is almost like to say, by like
a drug addicts, where you like wean them off. I
was like, he's addicted in some way or habitual to
the fact that I would do this every day, and
just like any habit, you cannot change that overnight. And
so what I said to him is, look, here's a

(22:26):
game plan. Maybe this will help. What if next week
I'm just going to cook and clean for you six
days a week, and then the week after that, I'm
going to do five days, four days, three days. Right,
And so what that did was show him I was
willing to work with him on the transition. And then
the final piece is letting him know I'm not happy, babe,

(22:49):
I'm profoundly unhappy. This isn't your fault. This is because
I made decisions, but now I need your help. Right,
So I'm asking him to be a part of this
and need your help because I'm not happy. I don't
think I can do it alone. Now as my husband,
he has the opportunity to be there for me instead
of him being in his own in his own head,

(23:09):
selfish lives, like I can't believe he's like, oh my god,
my wife is actually asking for help. So that helped
peace was a big deal as well. And then overall,
I think when you're approaching anything like this, how do
you see your relationship? I think relationships are like a
game of tennis. You're playing a sport. You're playing the
same sport, but are you playing singles or doubles? If

(23:30):
you're playing singles. You're both on each other side of
the net and you're just hitting the ball back and forward,
and ultimately only one of you can win. And you see,
j I'm sure you've seen a lot of relationship where
someone's just trying to make a little jab at them
and it's like it literally this back and forth. It's
not coming together. But a game of doubles, you're on
the same side. You either win together or you lose together.

(23:53):
And if I'm weak, I tell you I'm weak, and
that's where you get stronger, and vice versa. So in
this moment, I'm saying to my husband, I don't know
what I'm doing, I don't know what the future looks like,
but I'm not happy. I am weak metaphorically, I need
your help. And so he turned around in having laid
all that out being honest with each other. That's also

(24:14):
the foundation. Is your relationship built on honesty. Once you
had that discussion, his response was what kind of husband
would I be if I put clean underwear ahead of
your happiness? And that became the moment where he realized
we were in it together. I wasn't happy and he
could help me navigate out of it and it came

(24:35):
to that one day where he doesn't have clean underwear. Jay,
I didn't do laundry for like a month, and he
turns around and yells from in the other room, Babe,
I don't have any underwear. And in that moment, I
paused and I was like, oh, no, is this where
the truth comes out? And he's like, I can't believe
as my wife, you don't give me clean underwear. And
he turned around, he's like, so, I guess I'm going

(24:55):
to work commandover and he goes to work with no
underwear on. Now, what that did was the way that
I handled it, brought him in. We did it together.
Made that moment was like a make up break. He
could have been mad, he could have been like, see,
I knew it. The resentment and contempt is like the
two things that will identify I think by ninety percent

(25:16):
guarantee that a couple won't last is if you see
resentment and contempt in a relationship. And so would that
is exactly what would have happened. He would have built
contempt day by day that my wife isn't cooking, forming,
my wife isn't cleaning, and one silly moment like I
don't have underwear could be that breaking point of that relationship,
but because we'd set up that foundation, that moment that

(25:39):
could have broken us actually brought us closer together.

Speaker 2 (25:42):
Yeah, I mean that, But that is literally an emotional
maturity masterclass like that. It's incredible that you had that
emotional maturity then and that Tom did too, and obviously,
you know you see it in your continued success of
your relationship in marriage. But I wish everyone have a
conversation like that, because here's how it usually would go.

(26:04):
You'd have the realization that you're not happy. You'd probably
suck it up and live with it for a bit longer.
Then you'd go up to me and be like, I
can't believe you've controlled me for the last eight to
ten years. I can't believe that you've dominated me. I
can't believe that you've made me this submissive person. And
I'm not happy, and I'm never going to cook for

(26:26):
you again, I'm never going to clean for you again.
Do it yourself, grow up. And you could have said
it like that and then he'd turn around and go
get over it.

Speaker 4 (26:36):
That's what you signed up for.

Speaker 2 (26:38):
And I think a lot of people end up having
that version of it. And it's really interesting. I say
this to a lot of people. It's almost like, when
you share something, are you sharing in a way that
is looking at the three sixty of what you just said? Like, well,
what did I sign up for? What did they sign
up for? How does this change affect them? The change
will never be seamless and smooth that now that I've

(27:01):
said it, from tomorrow, everything's going to be perfect. And
it's incredible to me to hear the emotional maturity surrounding that.
And I hope that everyone who's listening and watching my
compassion goes out to people who I do feel are
with someone who may not have the emotional maturity to
receive it, even if it's shared with the maturity that
you just shared it. I think I do know a

(27:22):
lot of people who have tried to share something similar
with their partners, and the partners will be like, I
just get over it. You'll be fine tomorrow, don't worry
about it. Like, you know, how would you have dealt
with if that was the case? How would you guide
people with radical confidence? How would you deal with that?

Speaker 4 (27:37):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (27:38):
God, that's such a great question because there's no guarantee
that your partner's going to respond the same way Tom did, even.

Speaker 2 (27:44):
If you dropped it perfect yes, yes, right, Like, that's
the point. I think we live in a world where
we think if I say everything perfectly, then someone and
we know that's not true. So let's say you dropped
it perfectly and Tom had it's right, baby, Like, that's
what women are meant to do. That's what a wife's
meant to do. That's what or that's what you signed
up for. We both signed a contract. That's what it was.

Speaker 4 (28:04):
What would you have done?

Speaker 1 (28:05):
And that's really important because that's the thing is like,
was it a non negotiable for him? Because even to
where I said, I originally wanted four children and I
don't want any that idea of that non negotiable if
he was the type of person were one of his
non negotiables, we're having children and having a stay at
home wife. I actually understand that we're not meant to
be together then, because I don't want to force my

(28:27):
opinion on you. You need to live the life that
you actually want, and if that life means that you
really want children, you need to go and find that
because we're going to make each other unhappy, no matter
how much I love you. And so if Tom had
turned around to me and said, yeah, no, that's what
you signed up for, I think in that moment I
would have been shocked. I wouldn't have expected it, and
I would have had to go back and be with

(28:48):
myself and been silenced and start to write out what
my value systems are, what my morals are, and how
I want to show up every day, and then check
to see if then what Tom is saying aligns with that,
because I had been going along with the flow for
so long and thinking other people's opinions were mine. And
so we don't really know what is our own thoughts

(29:09):
until we are still, until we write out what we
actually care about, and so our value systems happen to
very much align. Our value system is is I will
support you, even in spite of things that may make
my life more uncomfortable. Right, my value system is is
that you are an ambitious man. I will protect you
and support you in your ambition, even if it makes

(29:29):
my life more difficult. So if he's working, which is
true two years ago, he was working one hundred and
twenty hours.

Speaker 3 (29:35):
A week two years ago.

Speaker 1 (29:36):
Yeah, like for like eighteen months. That was very hard.
And so for eighteen months I was supporting him until
it started to become detrimental to us. And that's where
it's like, support each other, know your value systems, but
never let your own values diminish, your own wants and
need diminished. And that's what I did for eight years.
And that's kind of what I talk about in the

(29:57):
book about how a relationship can and be literally the
winds beneath your wind, your wings that can help propel
you right, it can make you feel better about yourself
as you're on that journey. But it also can be
that anchor around your ankle that can if you dropped
into the ocean, we just take you deeper and deeper.
And so who are you with? Do they want to

(30:19):
see you shine? Do they want to actually see you thrive?
And what are their non negotiables? But I think ultimately,
if Tom has said that, I don't think we would
have stayed together. And that's the key is when people
say you and Tom are so lucky, You're so lucky
to have someone like Tom, and I said, no, no, no, no,
I've got Tom because we communicate and he's the person
that is okay with a wife going from a stay

(30:41):
at home wife to now an entrepreneur. And I'm okay
with having a husband that works one hundred hours or
one hundred and twenty hours a week. Most people aren't
and there's no judgment there. But that's what makes us
beautiful dance partners. And so never, I just did it
too long, Jay, Never, anyone listening, don't ever diminish your dreams.

(31:01):
Don't ever negotiate your boundaries for somebody else. Know what
they are first, and then ideally find somebody that respects
and compliments them.

Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yeah, it's such great advice, and it's you know, and
I know you mean it. And it's funny because I
think I resonate strongly with that as well. Is that
when I think about me and Raddy, it's very we're
obviously we no longer have been together as long as
you and Tom have, but I see a lot of

(31:31):
similarities in how we're growing in that way. And your
relationship is a beautiful example of that, like you and
Tom and how long you've been together and all the transitions,
and I love seeing it. It's really inspiring for us,
and I think it's similar for us.

Speaker 4 (31:46):
Like I always.

Speaker 2 (31:47):
I genuinely believe it that the reason why me and
Rady work is because we communicate, and is because we're
both able to respect and adapt and know what the
other person needs. I think what's really interesting, though, Lise,
is that a lot of the time, what we want,
we've got to really think about that word, because I

(32:10):
wonder whether sometimes we've always It's so funny because I'm
going the other way, but we started off talking about
like we all believe we deserve less, but sometimes in
our relationships we could be really demanding in a way
that isn't taking into account who the other person is.
So I'll give you an example. Let's say what you wanted,

(32:30):
and I know Tom's I'm going to speak for him
a bit and you can edit the parts I don't
get right. If you had said, Jay, I'm excited to
get married and the guy I want, I want him
to be someone who every evening spends time with me,
every weekend is free and available. I want him to
think about planning a vacation four times a year, or

(32:51):
twice a year, or once year. I want him to
be someone who just wants to cuddle up and watch
a movie every night, even if you wanted all of that,
Tom was not the right guy, Like that's not Tom,
Like he's he may be some of those things, but
not really not really Yeah, exactly perception, Tom's not that guy.

Speaker 3 (33:07):
I know each other, you know Tom. Yeah, Like Tom's
not that guy.

Speaker 2 (33:11):
And and I'm not saying that makes him a good
or bad I'm just saying that's not Tom. And it
was similar with me and Radi, like, you know, like
I think I said something ridiculous to Radi when we
first started dating, and I was like, look, if you
want the guy who's always free every weekend to hang
out with family and goes to a movie on Friday
night and then goes like I don't know, like house shop,
furniture shopping on the weekend, I was like, I'm not

(33:32):
that guy, Like I'm just that's not me, Like I
have a mission, I'm excited about stuff, like I'm passionate,
i want to live a purposeful life, like this is
my priority. And so sometimes what we want and who
were attracted.

Speaker 3 (33:46):
To don't mesh.

Speaker 2 (33:49):
Like you can be attracted to Tom for his intelligence,
his brain, his looks, whatever else it is, and he
can be attracted to you, but then you're like, but
wait a minute, I actually want someone who's ambitious or
not ambitious.

Speaker 4 (34:00):
I want someone who's.

Speaker 2 (34:01):
This or this, And so sometimes I think we're trying
to force someone to be something that they're not. And
I see that a lot. I'll have a lot of
friends will say to me like, I wish he was
just a bit more ambitious. I'm like, but he's not.
And he's not suddenly going to become that, like he's
he's he may become that, because we can all change,
but obviously he's not showing you that two years or
someone will be like, you know, I wishly didn't work

(34:23):
so hard, like you know, something like but you know
his goal is to be a billionaire, like as in
do you know what I mean?

Speaker 4 (34:29):
And and he's dedicated to that.

Speaker 2 (34:30):
So I'm like, where does that want an attraction kind
of go together?

Speaker 1 (34:34):
Yeah, I think it's such a great question. Yeah, Because
here's the thing, though, Jay, is that of course we
want everything. Of course we do everyone does, So just
accept that, Okay, you're not going to necessarily be able
to have everything, So what's what's the cost? So I
find ambition extremely sexy and attractive, and so I'm attracted
to someone that has ambition, and so what comes with that?

(34:56):
What is the cost of being attracted to someone that
has ambition? They're not going to be there every night
at seven pm, They're not taking time off on the weekends,
They're not filling the blank. Okay, well, what's more important
to you? Like, now, just look at those facts and
go if you're ambitious, this is actually what comes with
someone ambitious. If you want someone that is a stay
up again, freaking love it. But just know that probably

(35:18):
means they're going to work a nine to five that
that way they have the time to be open to
them spending date night with you. But are you okay
with that? What life do you want? What's more important?
Like actually almost prioritize them. And so for me that
was a very early wake up call with Tom where
it's like I know who I'm married, and so just
because I've got a ring on my finger doesn't mean
now all of a sudden he has to change in

(35:39):
order to fit all the things that I'm looking for
in life. I actually know that the cost of being
with him is that I don't see him on a
Saturday night or a Friday. And then that extends to children.
When we were even talking about kids, he said, Babe,
I love you. I'm not gonna wake up in the
middle of the night and clean the baby's diaper because
I am an ambitious and I will be resentful, going

(36:02):
back to that word, I'll be resentful if I give
up my ambition for my children and my wife. I
won't be able to be the man that you love
and you want me to be, because you are literally
stripping me away of the fundamental person I am. And
when you can respect someone for being that honest and
that transparent, I only receive it with utter gratitude to

(36:22):
be honest, like thank you for telling me before we
have children what type of father you're going to be.
And so he said, I'm going to be working really hard.
I'm not going to be coming home at seven pm
every night, and I'm not going to get up with
the kids because i need to make sure that my
cognitive load is like on fire when I'm in my business.
But then on the weekends, the truth is that I
want to be an amazing father, and so I'm going

(36:44):
to be on the weekends taking my kids to soccer
practice and doing all these things. Those are the reality
of who fundamentally he is and how that shows up
in our relationship. Cool now that I know that, do
I still want children? Knowing that pretty much Monday to Friday,
I'm a single mother Because when people don't have these conversations,

(37:04):
it ends up being the biggest thing that breaks that
relationship because you are now judging the part I can't
believe he's not waking up and I'm I'm left all
by myself? Or did you have the discussion so that
you knew again the zero judgment? But you knew what
the mother wants and what the father wants. And this
goes both ways, right, It's not just Tom what do
I want out of life? And how do children fit

(37:24):
into my lifestyle? But those are the things that we
spoke about every step of the way so that we
can always give each other the utter respect in being
the person they are, because when you strip away that,
you can't bring your whole self. You know, you've written
in your book about how you have to have a
relationship with your purpose. Your partner has to have a
relationship with their purpose and then you come together. But

(37:47):
if you're stripping each other of their purpose, you can't
have that beautiful dance and that relationship. So knowing all
of those factors is exactly why I was like, I
still love you, I appreciate it. I still find this
very sexy. And now the understanding is is that he's
not going to be home in the evening. And that
was actually part of what made me decide that I

(38:08):
didn't want children because I don't want to be a
single mother Monday to Friday. I freaking love my work,
so I actually don't want to give that up either.
I didn't want to have children and have Nanni's bring
them up. No shame, just my decision. And then on
the weekends, I'm just going to be utterly transparent and
honest with you, is that I don't want to be
second or third on his priority list. When is there

(38:29):
going to be time for me and him if he's
working a week and on the weekends he's with the children.
And the thing that I will protect the most is
my relationship with my husband. So knowing that, now, what
decisions do we make to protect our relationship? And I
understand people, especially with kids we play, you won't know
what it's like until you have kids. I bet you

(38:50):
get that all the time, especially in your culture. The
truth is no, I don't know what it's like because
I don't have them. But there's nothing that I'm missing
or losing because I don't know what I'm missing out on.
It's kind of like a dog making fun of us
humans for our sense of smell. It's like their sense
of smell is freaking amazing, but I don't know what

(39:11):
it's like. So I don't look at a dog in longingness.
I just go I know my sense of smell, and
it is what it is. So but I do treat
it as fact that I bet you Nature takes its
course and make sure that biologically, especially as a woman,
that you then prioritize your children. So then again asking Tom,
are you okay with going down on my priority list

(39:33):
when we have kids? Because nature will make sure that
that child is the center of my universe. I don't
pretend otherwise. And being able to have that type of
honest conversations with zero judgment, giving each other the grace
to just be who they are, then allows us to say,
do we have children, do we still stay in this
marriage without that growing contempt that then ends up breaking

(39:57):
all couples. It turns you into a person you're not
proud of. You start arguing, you start saying things you
don't like, you start doing things you're not proud of
yourself use and potentially their vulnerabilities against them in arguments
because you haven't had that truth conversation from the get go.

Speaker 4 (40:12):
Yeah, I mean, there's so much to unpack.

Speaker 3 (40:14):
Then.

Speaker 2 (40:15):
I love the first point you made, this idea of
if you're attracted to something that's a non negotiable or
a priority, first of all, just draw a line as
to what the cost of that is. So if you
want some unambitious, naturally they'll have less time. If you
want someone less time, naturally they'll be less ambitions. That's
just how life works. And neither of those are good
or bad. But if you go, I want someone who's

(40:36):
really ambitious and has loads of time, that's just not happening.
And so you need to know your deal breakers and
you need to know your priorities. And I love the
way you put that because I do think that we
do want it all, and we want it all now,
and when someone doesn't give it to us all, we
then think it's their fault, and that's what creates this

(40:58):
resentment and contempt because we're like, well, wait a minute, like,
don't you want to work a bit more? And it's like, no,
but the thing you love about them is that they're
always available. Like I have friends who's like, their partners
will coming then with their work trip and then they'll
be like, oh, but don't you have something to do?
And it's like, but but you love the fact that
they're always with you. And then there's this break, you know,
this this break, does that make sense or even this

(41:18):
idea of like I love someone of my friends say
to me like, oh, you know, my partner's just a
bit boring, And I'm like, but you wanted someone who
didn't do anything like you wanted someone who was you know, like,
didn't have interest, was always around, was always available, and
now you're calling them boring for it. It's like, but
you've never really you know, you've never encouraged them to

(41:40):
or you've never been attracted to someone who wanted to explore.
It's it's fascinating to me.

Speaker 1 (41:45):
Can we take it either?

Speaker 3 (41:46):
Yes? Please go for it?

Speaker 4 (41:47):
Yeah, go for it.

Speaker 1 (41:48):
So think about women in the workforce now. So a
lot of women are which I freaking love, right, I
want to empower women. I think it's incredible that now
we have the options to really be able to go
into the workforce instead of stay home wives or mothers.
But what I've noticing is happening is a lot of
some women I would won't say a lot are really
building that confidence and I freaking like it. And I

(42:09):
interviewed somebody I won't say their name, but she's a
really big powerhouse and she's successful, and she's wealthy, and
she had just got divorced, and so she's telling me
the story about how she's like, yeah, I'm owning my sexuality,
I'm owning who I am, and I'm a powerful woman.
So she chats up this guy in a bar and
she's like, and he became my boyfriend. He's younger than her,

(42:29):
so he moves in with her, and she's like, I
freaking love it. No guy's ever going to control me again.
Or so she's like, amazing, I respect that, you know
what you want, you go after it. Halfway through the interview,
she's just like, yeah, And I can't believe he doesn't
like book any vacations, He never pays for dinner, he
never takes the lead on something. And I'm like because
you didn't set up your relationship for that to be

(42:52):
like that. And I think ultimately, this is something I'm
really playing with new that's really weighing on me is
that I think one of the things people don't ask
each other and they're worried, especially in today's society. But
I think it's imperative when you get into a relationship,
before you commit who leads and who follows and having
that actual conversation. And here's the thing. Following someone doesn't

(43:15):
make you weaker, it doesn't make you submissive. It just
has a way to think about dancing. I've brought up
dancing for some reason this conversation. I'm not quite sure why. Yeah,
it's the dear exactly think about in dancing. You can't
have two leaders. You just can't think about running a company.
You can't have two CEOs. You have to have that moment,

(43:36):
you have to have that moment of who is leading
and who is following. But if you can remove the
stigma that maybe you have against the word follow, then
you can actually have that honored conversation. And that's what
Tom and I did is Babe, I want you to lead.
He wants to lead, and I want him to lead.
That doesn't make me less of a powerful, confident woman.
It actually makes me stronger in my eyes, because I'm

(43:58):
strong enough to know I can it will be strong
in my own conviction, my ideas, my boundaries, standing up
for myself, and I can still have faith in somebody
else is going to lead me. Now, of course, if
he goes off step, I'm going to have the confidence
to speak up. But ultimately I'm not challenging him for

(44:18):
that role. And in Totay's society, again, it's just weird
for people to say about roles in a relationship. And
I think there's no right or wrong. What do you
want in your relationship? But you have to have that
role discussion. Yes, no matter what gender a person is
going to take the lead, you have to have that
discussion first.

Speaker 4 (44:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (44:37):
And one thing that Raddy and I found is also
that we lead and follow in different areas. So when
it comes to our health, Raley leads. She decides what
snacks we have in the house. She decides what we
eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She decides where we
go to eat for restaurants and we're going out, she
decides what we eat when we're traveling, because I trust
her that she knows more about the body than I

(44:57):
do as a nutritionist and dietician and all of our expertise,
and so I'm going to follow her. When it comes
to working out, I follow her. She's the one who's
like setting the paces to like, all right, you know,
when I met her, I didn't even work out. Its
played a bit of sport or whatever. And she was
the one saying, no, no, no, it's really great for us
to be active and do this together.

Speaker 4 (45:15):
So she leads.

Speaker 2 (45:16):
When it comes to our home, I lead interior design
because that's my thing.

Speaker 4 (45:21):
I love it.

Speaker 2 (45:22):
I love art, I love esthetic, I love the feel
I love everything, and I get so into it, and
so she let me lead. She was like, Jay, you're
in charge, Like that's your thing. When it comes to
spending time with family and vacations, she leads. She loves
taking care of her family and loves traveling together and
giving them experiences, and so she lead. Then when it
comes to the direction of like should we move now,

(45:43):
should we do this? Where should we invest? I'm leading
that conversation, and I think it's beautiful because there's leading
and following across all these different areas and all of
a sudden, it's like you're both playing to your strengths.
You both feel valuable, you both feel significant, and you
both feel like you get to rely on the other person,
which is beautiful, which is what you want. And I

(46:04):
think it's yell.

Speaker 1 (46:05):
It goes back to the doubles in tennis.

Speaker 2 (46:07):
You're playing doubles exactly exactly like you take that shot,
I'll take this one. And that's a beautiful analogy. And
I think that that's the reality of what's helped us
as well, is being humble enough to say you lead
your better at this, and then being confident enough to
say not, I'll take this one because that's my strength.

(46:29):
And I think that requires so much humility and putting
your ego aside, and it also requires so much self awareness.
And by the way, this isn't perfect. We're constantly playing
with it, like there will constantly something like I want
you to this because I don't.

Speaker 4 (46:41):
Want to do it. She's like, I don't want to
do it either. Right.

Speaker 2 (46:43):
There's that stuff too, and then there's stuff where you're
both arguing over who's going to lead because you both
want to lead it. I think what we're both coming
back down to is the importance of that conversation, because
I know so many of my friends actually have been
scared to tell their partners going back to the kids thing,
and this could be about anything. Kids is an example
where they're not ready for kids, but their partner is

(47:04):
so pushing for kids, and it's like, no one's listening
to each other now. It's just our desire is superseding
the code that your partner is trying to suggest to
you of I'm not ready, I'm not sure.

Speaker 3 (47:18):
But your desire is just like no, no, no, it has.

Speaker 2 (47:21):
To happen now, it has to happen now. And I
find that to be like I think i'd really me
and Radley kind of.

Speaker 4 (47:27):
Went through that.

Speaker 2 (47:28):
Like before we moved to the place that we're at now,
I really needed to move because we lived in a
place that we were renting that I never slept well in.
We had people taking stuff, like our male would always
get stolen. We'd have there were a lot of animals
that were in the floorboards. It was an old home,
so you'd hear like animals rustling around like it was

(47:51):
just one of those homes where I always felt uncomfortable
and anxious, and so I don't think I slept well
for one and a half years, where I would be
living in fight or flight every night, thinking what if
someone's in my house? And that is not a comfortable feeling.
And so I kept pushing. I was like, rah, the
I need to get out of here. I need to
get out. And she loved at home, so she couldn't
get it. She was just like, this place is beautiful,

(48:12):
and I'm like, yeah, it's beautiful during the day, but
at night. Trust me, I'm not really anxious here and
I'm not really an anxious sleeper.

Speaker 4 (48:18):
I sleep well.

Speaker 2 (48:19):
And so it was very new for me, and I
could tell she wasn't quite getting it, and so I
had to start looking for new places because I realized
that I was like, until she sees something better, she's
not gonna get the pot. And so it was literally
like and that's natural, right, like because her she was
like I'm happy here, I'm satisfied here.

Speaker 3 (48:39):
I was like, no, but I can't.

Speaker 2 (48:41):
And she wasn't getting the subtle nudges, and so I
started looking, started dragging her to house feelings. We found
this place.

Speaker 3 (48:47):
Even then she was like no, no, no.

Speaker 2 (48:48):
The other place is more beautiful, blah blah blah blah.
And then finally I was like, you must be kidding me.
And then we moved, and now she's grateful that we moved.
But it was really interesting, how like, even though there
was a bit of conflict and friction, I still knew
I had to lead, But I knew I didn't have
to lead by like trying to convince her or make
her feel bad for not understanding me, or because I

(49:08):
could sense it wasn't that she didn't understand me, or
she wasn't listening to me, or maybe there was a
bit of that we just weren't getting it, if that
makes sense.

Speaker 1 (49:16):
That Yeah, what's interesting is I go back to the
value systems because the value for you was I need
to the value of sleeping because of how I know
how important your brain is to you in your mind
and how you think and how you show up and
run your business and everything like that. It actually aligns
with your value system. Now, maybe Radley's value system was homemaking.

(49:37):
I want to be somewhere I'm comfortable. So actually both
of your value systems. Again, there's no right or wrong,
but that's where your value system was. Then colliding because
she feels like I've made a house out of this
value system. I'm not getting what I need. I can't work,
I don't have the mindset value system. So actually what
was happening is your value systems were colliding, but you're
not talking about the value. You're talking about the house. Yes, yes,

(50:00):
And so that becomes that even with the kids thing,
it's like, okay, we the person that wants to delay
the children, what's your value system there? I haven't gotten
to where I want to in my career, and my
career right now is super important, and maybe the person
is my value system. I've always wanted a family, and
so I value family over business. So now you can
see one person's valuing business over family, the other person's

(50:23):
valuing family over business, and you're colliding, but you're not
actually talking about the thing. You're just talking about the kids,
But it's actually about the value system that's colliding. The
silly example that I learned this lesson with Tom was
over making the bed. I was like, what do you
mean you don't make the bed? Of course you make
the bed. It was like the thing I was taught
my whole life. And Tom was like, no, I won't

(50:44):
make the bed, and we would collide. I'm like, you
don't get it in these and so he would get
frustrated every time I would make the bed because he's like,
I have to unmake the bed now. I'm like, it
takes three seconds. And I was dismissing and mocking him,
if I'm going to be very honest, thinking he was
wrong that of course you make that. What kind of
person doesn't. And I was literally putting my value system

(51:05):
on him until we started to date. What does making
the bed mean to you? And to me, it was
about neatness. It was about calm. I have ADHD, so
I need those moments of calmness around me. I need
things to be neat in order for me to be centered.
But I didn't say that. I said I need the
bed to be made. For him, his value system is time,

(51:25):
He's like, it's the one thing I'll never get back.
And so if you ask me to do something that
doesn't actually align with the vision of what I want
my future to be, don't like you're asking me to
be someone I'm not. So his value system is time.
My value system is tidiness. And so you can see
in just that silly thing of making the bed. We
freaking collide and how many people couples do that every

(51:49):
single day over small little things. And what ends up
happening is that oxytocin that you had when you first
started dating is no longer there, and all you have
are these collisions dating.

Speaker 2 (52:00):
I love that, and I feel I really hope everyone
who's listening and watching like takes a moment to break
this down for themselves like we had it the other
way around. A few couple of months ago, my wife's
book came out, her first book, Yeah, and thank you.
I know you interviewed her for it as well, and
it was you know, and it was just it was
a really exciting moment. Rather had poured three years of

(52:21):
her life into this cookbook. I saw her work hard
on it. I've never seen her work that hard in
my life, never seen her just be so consistent. You
know how much work it takes. You know, Look, we're
sitting here talking about radical confidence. One year on, right
and one year on dude. Two years, yeah, two years
on of radical confidence. And you know how much work

(52:42):
goes into this book. I know how much you poured
into this book. This was your first ever book, and
I said to Radi. I said to her, I said,
you know what, Riley, like, we've been together now for
eleven years. We've celebrated a lot of things, but you've
never had a book out. So I don't know how
you want to celebrate this because not every celebs the same,
Like you don't celebrate a birthday, how you celebrate an anniversary,

(53:03):
and how you celebrate Christmas. They're different celebrations. And so
I was asking and checking in with it, and I
was like, I actually don't know what you'd like to
do in order to like make this moment feel special.
And she we were on a hike and she just
said to me. She goes, oh, we just celebrated last night.

Speaker 4 (53:20):
And I was like, what do you mean. I couldn't
even remember.

Speaker 2 (53:22):
What we did last night. I was like, what do
you mean we celebrated last night? And she was like, yeah,
like our friends came over. I cooked from the book
and they loved the meals. This was the day before
the book came out. And I was like, wait, that
was a celebration to you, Like.

Speaker 3 (53:36):
It wasn't.

Speaker 2 (53:36):
There was no it wasn't like the joyful book event.
There was no fancy like cards with food. It was
just a few mates came over and she cooked from
the book, which I don't even know if she told
her anyone, and they loved it and they loved the food.
And she was like, that felt like a celebration to
me because I made food I love for people I love.

(53:58):
And I was like, wow, you just saved me this
grand idea out in my head of like throwing a
big party or like you know, putting the joyful banner
up or whatever, which is what I would do. And
I was just thinking about that, and I was like,
it's so interesting to me that her value of celebration
is that, and my value around celebration is totally different.
But again, so many couples and relationships can go wrong

(54:22):
because we're constantly either celebrating the person we love or
we're criticizing the person we love based on our value system.
And now all we're talking about is the criticism or
the celebration and not talking about the value. Yeah, And
it's fascinating to me that it works both ways, whether
it's a good thing or a bad thing, because sometimes
you do something something nice for your partner and they
don't appreciate it, and you're like, why don't you appreciate it?

(54:44):
Because that's not what I appreciate, it's not what I value.

Speaker 1 (54:47):
And I applaud you for just asking her because so
many people either wouldn't ask, wouldn't do anything, or just assume.
And that's I think where a lot of couples will
most get mixed up, where it's like, well, if they
love me, they should no, and it's like, oh that
breaks my heart. It's like they're not a mind reader.
Like like you said, we all change, we all evolve.

(55:08):
You would have done something with the biggest heart right,
like I want to celebrate my wife and she was
looking like what do you mean? How many times? And
then what happens in that moment, You feel unappreciated for
having tried to show up and do something amazing. She
doesn't feel seen or heard. So now this whole thing,
this act that you've done to try and really show her,

(55:29):
doesn't achieve anything. You and her both feel badly. And
then again you almost like look at the other person
like you're wrong or you're crazy or how could you
have done this? And so the idea of just just
asking and like remove all the idea of what we've
been taught of like if they love me, they should
know and just say ultimately, I want them to feel

(55:49):
what I want them to feel loved. I want them
to feel seen. Okay, how do they do that? I
sometimes don't know, let me just ask. So one of
the things. Actually, so I stopped being stay home wife.
I stopped cooking for Tom. We laid out all of
our things of how we want to show up for
each other, and we changed and grow, or we both
change and grow. Since then, so only last year Tom

(56:10):
turned around to me and he said, you know what, babe, like,
I feel like I have a need that's unmet right now.
I was like, oh my god, what's the need, babe?
And he's like, I actually now miss that you don't
cook for me.

Speaker 3 (56:22):
Right.

Speaker 1 (56:22):
So we've been like fifteen years.

Speaker 3 (56:23):
He's been fine with it.

Speaker 1 (56:25):
But instead of me judging him, he told me I'm
not supposed to guess he just said that, And I said, okay, babe,
what does that look like? And he's like, I like
you to preempt my needs when it comes to food
and said okay. Instead of just leaving it at that,
I was like, okay, can I order Postmates? They have
it delivered with that satisfy the need and he's like, yeah,

(56:46):
you can, or do I have to cook it? He's like, no, no,
you can have postmtes. Okay, do I need to plate
it for you? Or can I leave it out on
the doorstep and just text you it's here? And he's like,
well if you can put it on like my kitchen counter,
like his little side and he's like that way I know.
It's like cool. Now I've heard you. I don't have
to assume I now don't have to go straight into
oh my god, he's now asking me to cook. I

(57:07):
don't want to cook. I went there. I was that person.
I don't want to get tracked. No, none of that.
We just broke it down bit by bit of understanding
what exactly that need looks like. Now here's the other part.
Maybe I'm not willing to do it, And in that moment,
I just would have said, right now, that actually doesn't
fit my lifestyle of what I need to show up.
So how do we find a compromise. Is there a

(57:29):
compromise or is it Sorry, I'm unable to do it,
but what if I do it for three weeks on
a holiday? Right now? Come up with ways that you're
not just shutting the other person down. You're hearing their
needs and they feel heard that you're trying to find
a solution because ultimately, I think not to just stereotype,
but typically I think women want to feel seen, they

(57:51):
want to feel safe, they want to feel needed, and
they want to feel appreciated. It's not the money, it's
not the height that a lot of people are saying
they need to be six foot and then seven figures. No. No,
If you really do stop and pause and ask your
partner how they can feel those roles, then you can

(58:11):
start to actually create a beautiful relationship on the long term.
And then the same for a guy. Obviously I don't know,
and I'd love to hear your thoughts, but I've tried
to process. What is it that I think a guy needs.
They want to feel appreciated, they want to feel powerful,
not controlling powerful, and they want to be respected.

Speaker 4 (58:29):
Yeah, I'd agree with that.

Speaker 1 (58:30):
And so knowing, Okay, if that's actually what you want,
I'm just going to say it. People may hate it,
but I just go to truth. How do I make
you feel powerful? That's what I would ask Tom. How
do I make you feel powerful. What are the things
that you need now? Again? I then go back to
my value systems. I say, does this align with me?
But I'm not going to guess. I want to make
sure that my husband's happy and that we're always constantly

(58:52):
in alignment. And when you've been together for twenty three years,
I may him when I was twenty one, We've built
multiple companies together, So how the hell have we been
able to stay so aligned. It's these little things that
people may be embarrassed to do, maybe shamed to do,
or they don't want to do it.

Speaker 4 (59:10):
That's the reality. That's the reality.

Speaker 2 (59:12):
We want something but we either feel guilty, shameful, embarrassed,
or uncomfortable to ask for it, and then we take
that feeling out on our partner for not knowing it,
and we get triggered when they say something like I
wish you'd cook for me Again, that triggers all of
our PTSD from that time and now it's like, how

(59:34):
can you even ask me to do that? You know
how hard that was for me, not realizing it's just
a suggestion, it's just an idea, It's coming from a
good It's that space that I think we've been talking
about today is can you kind of create a safe
space to have these uncomfortable conversations without any shame or guilt, right, And.

Speaker 1 (59:52):
That becomes the foundation that ultimately selection matters. Who you
choose to be with will absolutely dictate the outcome of
your li relationship. And so I used to say the
key to a relationship is communication. I don't actually think
it is. I think it's a growth mindset. Because if
you do not have a growth mindset, no matter how
much I communicate. You said that earlier, right, they may
not be able to respond. Now, think of all the

(01:00:14):
hurdles and humps that we've been through in our relationship.
How have we survived those because we are open to
having the hard conversations. We're open to communicate and endlessly
until we get to the solution. One of the rules,
So Tom and I have had a bunch of rules.
One of the rules is never apologize if you don't
mean it. And even in the moments of I'm deeply upset,

(01:00:37):
he absolutely can say, baby, I know if I just
apologize to you right now, I know that you're going
to feel better. But I can't apologize because I'm not
sorry for it. And what that does is that absolutely
elongates the conversation, the argument. It may go now now,
for two days, three days, but ultimately we're not brushing
it under the rug. We actually resolve it and go, Okay,

(01:00:58):
I'm still very hurt, but let me actually work through
that hurt. Why am I hurt? Why was I triggered?
Why did you say that? You know? And then we
just peel away the onion, peel away the onion to
get to that core. But it all comes from that
growth mindset. And if you don't have it, no matter
how much you discuss it, you're going to hit a
wall where you cannot be seen or hurt.

Speaker 2 (01:01:19):
Absolutely, Lisa, you are amazing. The book everyone is called
Radical Confidence. Eleven lessons on how to get the relationship, career,
and life you want. Today we did a deep dev
on relationships, which I loved. But when you open up
this book, you learn how to handle your negative voice,
how you can overcome failure, how you can actually work

(01:01:40):
through your emotions and understanding them. Setting your value system
is a big part of this book. Breaking through your beliefs,
building that growth mindset is all inside this book called
Radical Confidence. If you didn't get grab a copy two
years ago. Make sure you grab a copy right now.
If you don't already subscribe to and watch Women of Impact,
make sure you go.

Speaker 4 (01:02:00):
And do that as well.

Speaker 2 (01:02:02):
Lisa, it's always such aed you were talking to you,
because it's so lived. Everything you share is such lived experience,
and I know you live by it because I know
you and Tom, and on top of that, it's just
so real. And I love having these really pragmatic, practical
conversations around topics that can be very ethereal and uncomfortable

(01:02:25):
and woo woo and kind of a bit like oh,
you know, and to be honest manipulative and controlling, like oh,
if you want him to do this, do this, if
you want her to And it's almost like you actually
can't get anyone to do anything. All you can do
is all you can do is accept them for who
they are or not. And I think when we're having
these conversations, I'm really hoping that everyone walks away with

(01:02:48):
an understanding of what type of quality of interaction and
conversation to have with the individual. And the growth mindset
point is in a relationship is huge, huge, because adaptability
and flexibility is at the core of anything long term,
and I've seen that with me and Raley too.

Speaker 4 (01:03:08):
There is just there.

Speaker 2 (01:03:10):
I realize it all the time. It's things would only
never work if we lost our flexibility and adaptability, and
that's all growth mindset you have to And it's so
interesting how so often we don't want to be flexible
and adapt to one by the way, that's okay too.
So Lisa, thank you so much for showing up as
always and just shedding someone's clarity on a really difficult topic.

Speaker 1 (01:03:32):
Thank you, Jay, thank you for having me. You're You're
such a good dude. I freaking love you. I love
Raddy like we're connected from day one, and the support
and human that you are. I just want to say
thank you for always being there as a friend.

Speaker 2 (01:03:48):
Thank you always always have you and anyone who's been
listening and watching. Make sure you tag me and Lisa
on Instagram, on TikTok, on ex whatever platform you're on
in the YouTube comments. Let us know what resonated with you,
what's stuck with you, what you're trying out with your
partner or potential partner. Please pass this on to a friend,
someone in a relationship who's struggling, who's going through a
tough time. I really believe it will give them the

(01:04:11):
tools and the resources that they need to navigate and
guide them through. And of course go and grab your
copy of Radical Confidence. It's available in paperback right now.
Thanks so much everyone. Thanks Lisa than Say. If you
love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor Daniel
Ahman on how to change your life by changing your brain.

Speaker 5 (01:04:30):
If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with
a healthy brain. You know, I've had the blessing or
the curse to scam. Over one thousand convicted felons and
over one hundred murderers and their brands are very damage.

Speaker 2 (01:04:49):
For Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm partnering up with the
National Alliance of Mental Illness No ME. If you're someone
you know is struggling with mental health, there is help.
Call nom Helpline at eight hundred nine fifty NAMI or
go to www. Dot name dot org, forward slash help,
or text Helpline to six two six four zero for

(01:05:11):
immediate twenty four to seven crisis support. Call your text
nine eight eight or visit www. Dot nine eight eight
lifeline dot org

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Why You Are Restricting Your Desires in Your Relationship & How to Stop Blocking Yourself from the Happiness You Deserve with Lisa Bilyeu