June 28, 2024 • 38 mins
On this episode of Our American Stories, in 2006, Crissy Moran—who was, at the time, one of the biggest porn stars in the world—fled the industry. Today, the married Crissy Outlaw helps other women do the same.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
This is Lee Habib and this is our American Stories,
and we tell stories about everything here on this show,
from the arts to sports, and from business to history
and everything in between. And this next story comes to
us from Houston, Texas, where we are heard on kt
RH seven point forty. A great member of the iHeart Family.
(00:31):
In two thousand and six, Chrissy Moran fled the porn industry. Today,
the married Chrissy Outlaw helps other women do the same.
And just to note this, parts of the subject matter
here might not be appropriate for young young children. Teenagers
are over and it's worth them listening to this story too.
(00:51):
Here's Chrissy to share her story.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
My earliest memories will probably when I was four years old.
My mom and my dad. There was a time when
they went to church every Sunday. My dad was very, very,
very religious in every sense of the word. When I
was four years old, he told me that if any
(01:17):
man ever touched me, to let him know and he
would kill them. As a four year old, that was terrifying.
So the first time that I was molested, I was
four years old and I went across the street to
(01:37):
swim in our neighbors pool. They had kids, and me
and my brother went over there and their father was
the one who molested me. And I was kind of
scared because I'm like, I don't want to tell anybody,
what if my dad kills somebody. So I never told
(02:01):
anybody until around thirty years old when I told somebody.
And my mom and my dad their relationship was really toxic.
He had started drinking and became an alcoholic, was drinking
all the time. He became violent. He would get angry
(02:23):
at done things. He's flipped over our dinner table, he
had to put his fist through things. He was erratic
and out of control, and it was scary. My mom
tried to shelter us from his anger, you know, when
they would have fights, she would tell us to go
in our room and close the door. And we never
(02:46):
really talked about it. But around twelve years old or so,
they ended up sitting us down and saying that they're
going to get a divorce. So when I was thirteen
and I my mom had remarried and she married a
(03:06):
police officer and he was very likable, and I decided
I would rather live with my mom where things seemed
a little more stable. So my dad got really upset,
and when he got upset, he would cry. He cries
so like snot comes out of his nose, like I'm
(03:27):
talking intense crying, and he did that quite a bit.
But to let me go, it really broke his heart.
And he did say, you know, if you move on
with your mom, you're going to become a whore like her.
And my mom was not a whore. She's only been
with my dad, but she just remarried. So I feel
(03:50):
like he didn't realize it, but he spoke those words
over me, And I mean, I didn't think that would
ever happen, but I think there's power in words. Yeah,
So it was really hard for him. It was hard
for my brother too. My brother was two years younger
(04:10):
than me. But life with my mom my stepdad wasn't
perfect either. Like I don't blame her, but she spent
a lot of time with my stepdad and not very
much tied with me. I had a lot of resent
for that, and I became very rebellious because I felt
(04:34):
like nobody knew me. I had no encouragement. I had
nothing positive in my life, and so as a teenager,
I did a lot of bad things like shoplifting, so Yeah,
that was horrible, horrible, but we kept getting away with it.
(04:56):
And yeah, I shoplifted my prom dress so terrible. My
mom was like, where'd you get this dress? I said, oh, Leanne,
let me borrow it. She didn't believe me. I don't
even know how she knew. I mean, it was like
(05:17):
she knew that I was shoplifting, but she didn't. And
so as a teenager, you know, getting older and starting
to like boys and everything, I had like my first
real relationship when I was sixteen, I think, and my
boyfriend was in college, and I realized that if I
(05:38):
was with him, I felt loved. But when I was seventeen,
I got pregnant. This boy said he would marry me
and we would have the baby if I ever got pregnant.
So it happened, and then he said he wouldn't marry
me because he needs to finish college and gave me
(06:00):
no support. So I was taken to get an abortion
that summer before my senior year of high school. And
then it got all around the school and all the
friends that I had wouldn't speak to me, and I
turned to the person that everybody talks about and doesn't
(06:20):
sit with started to really graduate with very many friends.
I ended up breaking up with that boyfriend, and then
I went with another guy and he and I moved
in together. So it was really disappointing when he got
Playboy TV or whatever on our TV. He would watch
(06:45):
this stuff when I wasn't home, and then whenever I
realized what it was, then he wanted to watch it
with me. It wasn't like hardcore porn, but it was
enough to make me feel like he didn't love me
very much. It just made me feel like it felt
made me feel ugly that I couldn't be like those girls.
(07:07):
They're better than me. They deserve more attention to me
because they're prettier than me. And I hated that feeling
so much. I hated the women that were in the movies.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
When we come back, more of Chrissy's story here on
Our American Stories.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Folks.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
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Go to our American Stories dot com now and go
(07:52):
to the donate button and help us keep the great
American stories coming. That's our American Stories dot com. And
we continue with our American stories and with Chrissy Outlaws story.
(08:14):
Let's pick up where we last left off.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I could also see why he would want to look
at that, because it was way better than looking at me.
So I tried to like just be open minded. We
didn't last very long. We lived together for a few
months and then we broke up, and then I moved
back home. And what happened is, first off, the internet
(08:40):
just started. It was the beginning of the internet. And yeah,
it was a long time ago. And I found these
chat rooms and stuff so I could communicate with other people.
So I would, you know, work all day. I would
come back to my mom's house and get online. And
I started meeting men to date, and I met quite
(09:04):
a few of them. I had no regard for my
life at all, because if I didn't feel love, then
nothing mattered, you know, if I would do anything for that.
So I met up with a few different guys. I
had been raped, I had been roofed. So anyway, you know,
(09:27):
I noticed that some of the girls had like modeling
portfolios that were online, and so some of the girls
in the chat room so would become friends with them,
and then I was led to that and I was
looking at these girls' pictures and their models, and they're
getting people to hire them to do shoots. So I
(09:49):
was like, well, I just wanted to see if I
could do it. I just wanted to see if somebody
would think I was pretty enough to do it. Found
some like snapshots, put them online. People started contacting me
to do work, but the work that they wanted me
to do was porn, and so I hated porn. I
(10:12):
didn't want to be in porn. It represented, you know,
insecurity for me and fear and all of those things.
And it was a photographer that shot some famous women
who ended up being in Playboy, and I felt like
they looked so beautiful. Maybe if he thinks he can
(10:35):
make me look like that, then okay, I'll try it.
Because he had confidence in me. So the first night
was shot, when he started asking me to remove clothing,
I just remember feeling like my heart was racing and
just feeling like what am I doing? Like in my head,
(10:55):
what am I doing? What am I doing? And then
I told myself of you know, like I can't like
I felt like I couldn't be there. So I learned
to dissociate, which was something I learned as a child,
and I didn't know it so that you're not really there.
It's really hard to explain. But I checked out. And
(11:20):
the next day he wanted to shoot me again, and
he wanted to push my boundaries a little more and
I didn't want to, and I told him I didn't
want to. But then during the shoot, you know, he
guided it and he got the photos that he wanted
and you know, again getting authors for work. I was depressed.
(11:41):
I didn't feel loved, but these people kept asking me
to do shoots, so like, well, there's something about me
that somebody likes. So eventually I you know, said yes again.
I shot with a photographer, shot in a huge mansion,
(12:02):
you know, the marble floors, winding staircases. It was beautiful.
And the shoot that I did, you have a hair person,
you have a makeup person, you have everything. I felt beautiful,
I felt glamorous. I felt like they loved me, and
as we would shoot, and I would start removing articles
(12:26):
of clothing. I checked out. And that's how I was
throughout my whole time in the industry. And I had
to check out because how could I deal with what
I was doing morally? I didn't feel like it was right.
You know, it's not how I grew up. And I mean,
I'm not going to be the moral police. I know that,
(12:47):
you know, a lot of people get into it for
a lot of different reasons, but this is my story
and I think a lot of people can identify with
some of it. So I got really good at dissociating
and and I shot with those people, got more photos,
put newer pictures up. I quit my day job because
(13:08):
I was making good money, and I would do want
to make it clear that I take responsibility for all
everything that I did one hundred percent. It was my choice.
I did it. Take full responsibility for what I've done
in my life. I didn't have I didn't really have anybody,
(13:30):
you know, throughout my teen years tell me like what
kind of man to look for, what do you want
a relationship? How to be healthy, how to love somebody?
So you know, I've learned that as I went along
in my young adult life. So anyway, those photographers introduced
me to my manager, and now I started with a
(13:51):
manager who would book me. I would coe from Florida
to LA all the time do I would do some
shoots and then go back home. And I ended up
moving with this other guy. Okay, I ended moving in
with I can't even be serious about this anymore because
(14:14):
it's so it's so ridiculous. Oh my gosh. Okay, So
I guess I was addicted to love. So I ended
up moving with another guy. He started managing my pooring career,
taking all the money, pushing me to go even further
into things that I wasn't comfortable with, and I did it.
(14:38):
We dated for a year. I thought I was going
to break up with him at some point, but he
ended up ending the relationship and it devastated me. Because
now I live in Tampa, I didn't know anybody. He
kicked me out out of the house, so you know,
I was really afraid to be by myself, so I
(15:00):
just moved in the apartment complex across the street. So
I was scared, and I started online dating again because
how else is am I going to meet anybody? I
don't go anywhere I don't know any people, so I
did that, and that's when I met my abusive ex boyfriend.
(15:24):
He did so many things, pulling me by my hair,
saying he's going to put me six feet under like
every day. I never knew what I was going to
get with him, and I guess I felt like he
was like my dad. My dad had intense emotions, and
I never felt like my dad. I felt when he
cried that he was genuinely remorseful, So for some reason,
(15:46):
I thought that the same with this guy. So when
we would have a fight, he didn't really mean to
do it. You know, he still loves me, he's crying.
So that relationship was three and a half years of
the seven total years that I was in the sex industry.
This boyfriend and I. He did a lot of drugs,
(16:07):
so I started doing drugs with him. Some horrible things happen,
sexual assault. Gosh, it's so crazy to hear myself say that,
because I didn't really call it that before, but it was.
But anyway, I ended up getting out of that relationship
(16:30):
one day. I ended up having a friend that was
doing makeup for us move in with us, and he
told me after living with us, for a little while
that he told me. He said, Chrissy, you need to
get out of this relationship, like he's cheating on you
and he's telling me all about it. And I already
kind of knew he was probably cheating with various people.
(16:54):
And I was like, well, I want to, but I
never have found anybody that will help me. I can't,
just like I couldn't just leave because he was abusive.
He would hide my phone, he would hide my stuff
for me. If we had a fight, he would hide
my phone, and he wouldn't be back for days. So
my friend Bobby, his name's Bobby. He said, Chrissy, I'll
(17:15):
help you. So we loaded up as much as we
could into her car. I took a small carry on suitcase.
But we just needed to get out of Las Vegas,
which is where we were at that point. So we
moved out. We went to La but I would tell
my manager when I was available. I had a website
(17:36):
that was successful, so I didn't have to do things
outside of that because of the success of the website.
Not trying to brag about it, but that was the situation.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
When we come back. More of Chrissy's story here on
our American stories, and we continue with our American stories
(18:10):
and with the story of Chrissy Outlaw, who fled the
porn industry in two thousand and six, and up till
now we've covered how she ended up in this business,
and soon we'll be hearing about how she got out.
Now we returned to Chrissy with more of her story.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
So I was like deep into it now I've been
in for so long. My friend, they'll live with me.
Bobby came home, took a bunch of pills, I think
it was like Xanax and some other stuff. He saw
me laying there and he tried to wake me up,
and he was having a really hard time waking me up. Say,
(18:53):
turned on the water in the bathtub and he gave
me a bath, and like you know, tried to get
me to wait up, and eventually I did. And to
be honest, I don't remember that part. But I ended
up meeting this guy, my next boyfriend. So this guy
wasn't abusive. He was really nice, and he was really funny,
(19:13):
and he was really like a cool guy and I
liked him. So after like the first week, he says,
why don't you just stay? So I moved in because
that's what I do, didn't move in. We were together
for a year and a half, but we were together
all the time, which made me feel super secure, and
(19:36):
I felt like he led me. Towards the end of
our relationship, he told a neighbor when he was asked,
why don't you get married? He told my next door neighbor,
why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free? And I actually I heard the end of it,
and I kind of freaked out. I mean inside, I
(19:59):
didn't really say anything about it, but I was like,
did he really just say that? Because I was just
walking up anyways, So, at the end of our relationship
for a year and a half, he has to go
shoot for this movie. He was just a regular actor,
stunt guy, photographer. You know in LA you have to
wear many hats. So as I was saying goodbye to him,
(20:22):
I said, please don't go to any strip clubs. He laughed,
and you know, he left. And one night he called
me and I heard music and it was two o'clock
in the morning, and I said where are you And
he said he was at a restaurant called PF Chanin's
and he was drunk. I was like you are not
at PF chains, I was super insecure. My heart was
(20:46):
broken because I knew, I just knew that's where he
had gone. And even though I did porn, I felt
like I was always devoted to the men in my
life because I didn't work with me in so anything
else is just acting. And to me, that's where my
(21:07):
where I'm coming from when I say don't go to
a strip club, is that that I wasn't lusting after men.
But if he does something like that, he's going to
be lusting after a woman that's not me. And even
though we weren't married. One of the things that's one
of the things that my dad told me, is that
(21:28):
if a man looks at you with lust, and he's
already committed adultery with you in his heart. And so
I didn't want that to happen. I wanted him to
think I was the best. He didn't need anything else
because I was that girl. Why would he want to
(21:50):
go see another girl like me when I'm already that girl.
I felt like I was his dream girl. I did everything.
I was sweet, kind, loving, give anything for him. So
and I know it sounds d sounds dumb, but that's
just where it was at the time. So when he
(22:12):
said he wasn't at the strip club that night, my
heart broke and I fell on the floor. And I
was just like when I when I was eleven years old,
when I I came to know Jesus and I believed,
But through all these years that had gone by, I
didn't know where God was. I was rebellious. I was like,
(22:35):
why didn't you save me from this? Why didn't you
save me from that? Like if you're real, like I
didn't feel him in my life, and you know, the
the reason is I wasn't trying to have him in
my life. I didn't. I really just didn't know Jesus
as an adult. I knew him when I was a kid,
but n I didn't know how else do you know him?
(22:58):
You know, how you experience him being in your life
as an adult, it's different. So I didn't know where
Jesus was. I didn't know. I thought he had left me,
like he didn't love me, he didn't care about me.
And you know, I saw that love and everything else
and everybody else. So I fell to the ground on
(23:22):
in my kitchen and I was sitting there and I
started praying and I said, God, if you're real, I
need you to show me, because everything that I know
about love is twisted and perverted, is not right and
not the way that I was told it should be.
And I was confused. So the next day or so,
(23:44):
I made a list pros and cons why I should
stay with him. I had to think with the facts
and not so much with my heart. So I realized
I had more reasons to break up with him than
to be with him. So I went to Albuquerque where
(24:05):
he was filming, and the next day we w W.
I went on set with that with my boyfriend. He
had introduced me to a few of the people and
it it was pretty much all all men that day.
So somebody who was standing out there chatting got a
picture and it. They started passing the cell phone around
(24:31):
to each other and everybody was, you know, reacting to it,
and I said, what is it? And my boyfriend said, oh,
it's so and So's wife and she's topless and that
I got super triggered n to like like nothing else,
because marriage is supposed to be sacred, like you don't
(24:56):
do that to your wife, and so I was like, well,
you know, I would hope that if I was married
to someone that they wouldn't do that to me, even
though I had done porn. I'd always imagine that the
guy who I marry is gonna respect me more than
(25:18):
if ever respected myself. So anyway, I said that, and
I'm not a brave person. I'm a very shy person.
So I don't know where that courage came from. But
everybody started laughing at me after I said that. And
you know, the this guy that had just met and
(25:40):
him that was sitting next to me, he says, well,
if I was married, I wouldn't show that to anyone.
It would just be only for me and say I
looked at him, and I'm like, what, Like, there are
people like that in the world, And so I was
in shock. Anyway, So I ended up talking to that
(26:03):
guy again at some point and he said, Chrissy, what
do you do for a job? What do you do?
And I'm like, oh, I am a model because I
never told people that I did porn. And he said, well,
what kind of model? What do you model? And I'm like,
bathing suits, lingerie, I do like car magazines, like I
(26:29):
started making up all kinds of stuff and so eventually
I said Okay, I do adult stuff. He's like, adults
of it. Yeah, porn. He's like, yeah, he said, Chrissy,
I already knew that because your boyfriend had been showing
your pictures to everybody since you know, he's been out here.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
And you're listening to Chrissy Outlaw tell the story of
her life and her redemption. And there's that key moment
where her boyfriend calls him the strip club and she
goes to the floor on her knees and she's crying
and she says, God, if you're real, I need you
to show me everything I think I knew about love
is all twisted and my goodness was it and it's real.
(27:13):
And in the end, the story, well, it takes a turn.
I think you'll all love when we come back more
of Chrissy Outlaws story here on our American Stories. And
(27:37):
we continue with our American stories, and let's pick up
where we left off with Chrissy sharing what she actually
did for a living with a man working on her
boyfriend's movie set. Let's return to Chrissy.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
But then he said, let me ask you something. Do
you believe in God? And I said yes, you know,
he said, you because start over, you can have a
new life and a new relationship with Christ. And we
talked for a little bit and he's like, do you
want to go outside and pray? And I said, sure, yeah,
(28:12):
I want to go outside and pray. I was like,
I was on the verge of crying. So he told
my boyfriend we were going to get outside and pray.
And then my boyfriend was like giving me a look
like what, Like he had no idea what was happening.
So we went outside and prayed, and we sat at
this little table, and you know, I asked Jesus to
(28:36):
come into my heart. I repented of the things that
I had done, and I had decided to turn away
and I was never going to go back. And because
I had prayed for God to give me a sign,
so when he asked me if I believe in God,
it was undeniable. That was the sign. That's what I've
(28:58):
been looking for Jesus. Jesus hasn't having felt his presence
in a long time. So anyway, that night I went
to our hotel room. My boyfriend came in. I told
him that I couldn't sleep with him anymore. I couldn't
sleep in the bed like I'm going to sleep on
the couch, and he was. He was super confused. And
(29:21):
the next day I went home, I packed up my stuff,
I put it in storage, and then I flew to
my new friend Chris that you know, led me to
the Lord. I flew out to be with his family
without him, he was still working on the film. And
so I meet these strangers, his mom, his dad, his sister.
(29:44):
They were so kind to me and so loving, and
they knew what I had done. And they took me
to a pastor who was a spiritual warfare pastor. I
guess that's what he specialized in, and so met with
him a few times. I was there for like two weeks.
I think it was when I got on the airplane,
(30:07):
I sat next to a woman and she was a
counselor to women who have been abused, and she was
sharing so much with me. I was sharing so much
with her. And yeah, and then on the way back,
where I was sitting in the middle of these two guys,
and I looked to see what books they were reading.
They were reading Christian books, and the woman gave she
(30:28):
sent me a purpose driven life, and I was like,
there was no denying that God was in this anyway,
I got home, got back to LA I found my
own place to live by myself for the first time ever.
But I went on on my website. I had a
(30:49):
chat room on my website where I could go in
and talk about anything. So I've made a post saying
why I left the porn industry and that they never
gonna see me again, and I'm I was sorry that I
took him away from the things that were so much
more important, like their families and their children. And you know,
I never should have became that woman. And anyway, so
(31:15):
my webmaster found out about it and removed it and
kicked me out of my website. And then he sent
me a message and he said, if you would have
wanted to go because you wanted to start a family
or something like that, I would have take your website down.
But not for a fairy tale like God. It was horrible.
They get started to advertising my website, making vulgar photos
(31:38):
of me with Jesus and just horrible things. Horrible. They
refused to take the website down. Is still going to
this day. But you know, he asked me where I
want the money to go. I said, I do not
want any of the money, and I was making like
twelve thousand a month. I gave up my income because
(32:02):
I felt like God told me to do that. He
told me not to accept any more money and to
trust him and to lean on him, and he was
going to take care of me. And through that he
did take care of me. Money would come from like nowhere.
It would just be suddenly, Oh, this person wants to
(32:23):
donate you a car. You know, I had to give up.
I gave up everything, my car, my hair snitches, my
fake nails, my fake tan. I gained a few pounds.
I couldn't only have one pair of jeans that even
fit me, and even that I couldn't zip them up.
So my identity was wrapped up in all of those things.
(32:45):
And I had to learn who I was and what
did I like, What were my hopes and my dreams.
And one thing I already knew is that I wanted
to be a wife more than anything. I wanted to
find somebody that loved me, somebody I would be with forever,
(33:08):
you know. And I had some many broken relationships. I
didn't I thought it was so far out of reach.
I would go to church on Sundays, I would go
to the Young Adults church, and then I would go
to another church, and then I would go to Christian counseling,
and then I would listen to all the podcasts I
could listen to. You Like, I feel like I had
(33:30):
so much catching up to do, Like I needed to
learn everything, and I was thirsty for it and I
wanted it. And every time when of these little things happened,
I I thought of it as as a miracle, like
and like, like God is actually proving himself over and
over and over again. You can trust me. I am
(33:51):
your father. You don't have to like not trust me,
like you know my own dad. I didn't really trust him.
I didn't know how he was going to be from
day to day. But God proved to be a good father.
After about five years after I got of the industry,
I decided that I needed to take a break from
(34:14):
dating because I met this beautiful girl who was my friend.
She was like a model and she was doing this
fast from dating and I'm like, that's so weird, but
I'm going to do it too. So she was reading
this book and so she gave me the book and
I was like, Okay, I'm going to take a three
(34:37):
months from dating, and so I met this other guy
through a mutual friend on Facebook, and so I was
hanging out with his friend a lot, and so on Facebook,
he was posting on a lot of pictures of me
and him hanging out, and this guy from Houston would
post underneath almost everything that this guy said, because this
(35:01):
guy was really funny. But the Houston guy would always
be one of the people to respond, and then it
would be me, or it would be me, and then
it would be him, and it would And so I
had just met this guy, like, talked on the phone
with him for the first time when I decided to
go on my fast, like I cut off ties with
everybody because the purpose of this fast was to focus
(35:24):
on Jesus, to get into a deeper relationship with him
and to not be distracted by men. But God told
me it was okay that this guy from Houston. I
can talk to him on the phone, but I can't
skype with him. So he was allowed. And so I
(35:46):
told him, God told me that you could. You could
be my friend through this, but there are rules. You
can't tell me I'm pretty. You can't tell me like
I had a whole list of things and it was
so stupid, but those are the rules. I assumed he
was going to tell me those things, but he didn't,
(36:08):
and he kept he kept his word. I went through
the three months. Then God told me to do another
six months. And during this time, this this man is
has sent me a Bible and we're doing Bible studies
over the phone every day. It went for a year,
and then after the after my fast ended, he had
(36:33):
planned to come out to la and so that's when
we met. We met for the first time. We had
talked for so many hours, and I wanted to hold
his hand, but he pulled away from me. He kind
of rejected me, and I was like, oh, I hurt
my feelings, but it's good. That means because I knew
that I knew the guy that I was going to
(36:54):
be married from my fast. God told me that person
was not going to have sex with me before marriage anyway.
You know. After that, he went home. We continued to
our Bible studies and then I realized I got an
email about doing a speaking engagement and guess what it
was in Houston and guess what else? It was on
(37:16):
Valentine's Day. So I went out there. We hung out
he went to my speaking engagement, met me there, and
then after that we went to his apartment. He made
me some lunch and then he asked me to be
as Valentine, and then we got married. Let's see if
I rede March April May. Three months later we got married,
(37:38):
and in two months I moved to Houston. And now
it's been we're going on, we're going on eight years.
So that's my story.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
And you've been listening to Chrissy Outlaw. I just love
that laugh at the end because it shows you can
get through anything and you can overcome it, and she
did it with God's help. Great job on this, as
always to Greg Hangler. The story of Chrissy Outlaw here
on our American Stories
This is Lee Habib and this is our American Stories,
and we tell stories about everything here on this show,
from the arts to sports, and from business to history
and everything in between. And this next story comes to
us from Houston, Texas, where we are heard on kt
RH seven point forty. A great member of the iHeart Family.
(00:31):
In two thousand and six, Chrissy Moran fled the porn industry. Today,
the married Chrissy Outlaw helps other women do the same.
And just to note this, parts of the subject matter
here might not be appropriate for young young children. Teenagers
are over and it's worth them listening to this story too.
(00:51):
Here's Chrissy to share her story.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
My earliest memories will probably when I was four years old.
My mom and my dad. There was a time when
they went to church every Sunday. My dad was very, very,
very religious in every sense of the word. When I
was four years old, he told me that if any
(01:17):
man ever touched me, to let him know and he
would kill them. As a four year old, that was terrifying.
So the first time that I was molested, I was
four years old and I went across the street to
(01:37):
swim in our neighbors pool. They had kids, and me
and my brother went over there and their father was
the one who molested me. And I was kind of
scared because I'm like, I don't want to tell anybody,
what if my dad kills somebody. So I never told
(02:01):
anybody until around thirty years old when I told somebody.
And my mom and my dad their relationship was really toxic.
He had started drinking and became an alcoholic, was drinking
all the time. He became violent. He would get angry
(02:23):
at done things. He's flipped over our dinner table, he
had to put his fist through things. He was erratic
and out of control, and it was scary. My mom
tried to shelter us from his anger, you know, when
they would have fights, she would tell us to go
in our room and close the door. And we never
(02:46):
really talked about it. But around twelve years old or so,
they ended up sitting us down and saying that they're
going to get a divorce. So when I was thirteen
and I my mom had remarried and she married a
(03:06):
police officer and he was very likable, and I decided
I would rather live with my mom where things seemed
a little more stable. So my dad got really upset,
and when he got upset, he would cry. He cries
so like snot comes out of his nose, like I'm
(03:27):
talking intense crying, and he did that quite a bit.
But to let me go, it really broke his heart.
And he did say, you know, if you move on
with your mom, you're going to become a whore like her.
And my mom was not a whore. She's only been
with my dad, but she just remarried. So I feel
(03:50):
like he didn't realize it, but he spoke those words
over me, And I mean, I didn't think that would
ever happen, but I think there's power in words. Yeah,
So it was really hard for him. It was hard
for my brother too. My brother was two years younger
(04:10):
than me. But life with my mom my stepdad wasn't
perfect either. Like I don't blame her, but she spent
a lot of time with my stepdad and not very
much tied with me. I had a lot of resent
for that, and I became very rebellious because I felt
(04:34):
like nobody knew me. I had no encouragement. I had
nothing positive in my life, and so as a teenager,
I did a lot of bad things like shoplifting, so Yeah,
that was horrible, horrible, but we kept getting away with it.
(04:56):
And yeah, I shoplifted my prom dress so terrible. My
mom was like, where'd you get this dress? I said, oh, Leanne,
let me borrow it. She didn't believe me. I don't
even know how she knew. I mean, it was like
(05:17):
she knew that I was shoplifting, but she didn't. And
so as a teenager, you know, getting older and starting
to like boys and everything, I had like my first
real relationship when I was sixteen, I think, and my
boyfriend was in college, and I realized that if I
(05:38):
was with him, I felt loved. But when I was seventeen,
I got pregnant. This boy said he would marry me
and we would have the baby if I ever got pregnant.
So it happened, and then he said he wouldn't marry
me because he needs to finish college and gave me
(06:00):
no support. So I was taken to get an abortion
that summer before my senior year of high school. And
then it got all around the school and all the
friends that I had wouldn't speak to me, and I
turned to the person that everybody talks about and doesn't
(06:20):
sit with started to really graduate with very many friends.
I ended up breaking up with that boyfriend, and then
I went with another guy and he and I moved
in together. So it was really disappointing when he got
Playboy TV or whatever on our TV. He would watch
(06:45):
this stuff when I wasn't home, and then whenever I
realized what it was, then he wanted to watch it
with me. It wasn't like hardcore porn, but it was
enough to make me feel like he didn't love me
very much. It just made me feel like it felt
made me feel ugly that I couldn't be like those girls.
(07:07):
They're better than me. They deserve more attention to me
because they're prettier than me. And I hated that feeling
so much. I hated the women that were in the movies.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
When we come back, more of Chrissy's story here on
Our American Stories.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Folks.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
If you love the great American stories we tell and
love America like we do, we're asking you to become
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Go to our American Stories dot com now and go
(07:52):
to the donate button and help us keep the great
American stories coming. That's our American Stories dot com. And
we continue with our American stories and with Chrissy Outlaws story.
(08:14):
Let's pick up where we last left off.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I could also see why he would want to look
at that, because it was way better than looking at me.
So I tried to like just be open minded. We
didn't last very long. We lived together for a few
months and then we broke up, and then I moved
back home. And what happened is, first off, the internet
(08:40):
just started. It was the beginning of the internet. And yeah,
it was a long time ago. And I found these
chat rooms and stuff so I could communicate with other people.
So I would, you know, work all day. I would
come back to my mom's house and get online. And
I started meeting men to date, and I met quite
(09:04):
a few of them. I had no regard for my
life at all, because if I didn't feel love, then
nothing mattered, you know, if I would do anything for that.
So I met up with a few different guys. I
had been raped, I had been roofed. So anyway, you know,
(09:27):
I noticed that some of the girls had like modeling
portfolios that were online, and so some of the girls
in the chat room so would become friends with them,
and then I was led to that and I was
looking at these girls' pictures and their models, and they're
getting people to hire them to do shoots. So I
(09:49):
was like, well, I just wanted to see if I
could do it. I just wanted to see if somebody
would think I was pretty enough to do it. Found
some like snapshots, put them online. People started contacting me
to do work, but the work that they wanted me
to do was porn, and so I hated porn. I
(10:12):
didn't want to be in porn. It represented, you know,
insecurity for me and fear and all of those things.
And it was a photographer that shot some famous women
who ended up being in Playboy, and I felt like
they looked so beautiful. Maybe if he thinks he can
(10:35):
make me look like that, then okay, I'll try it.
Because he had confidence in me. So the first night
was shot, when he started asking me to remove clothing,
I just remember feeling like my heart was racing and
just feeling like what am I doing? Like in my head,
(10:55):
what am I doing? What am I doing? And then
I told myself of you know, like I can't like
I felt like I couldn't be there. So I learned
to dissociate, which was something I learned as a child,
and I didn't know it so that you're not really there.
It's really hard to explain. But I checked out. And
(11:20):
the next day he wanted to shoot me again, and
he wanted to push my boundaries a little more and
I didn't want to, and I told him I didn't
want to. But then during the shoot, you know, he
guided it and he got the photos that he wanted
and you know, again getting authors for work. I was depressed.
(11:41):
I didn't feel loved, but these people kept asking me
to do shoots, so like, well, there's something about me
that somebody likes. So eventually I you know, said yes again.
I shot with a photographer, shot in a huge mansion,
(12:02):
you know, the marble floors, winding staircases. It was beautiful.
And the shoot that I did, you have a hair person,
you have a makeup person, you have everything. I felt beautiful,
I felt glamorous. I felt like they loved me, and
as we would shoot, and I would start removing articles
(12:26):
of clothing. I checked out. And that's how I was
throughout my whole time in the industry. And I had
to check out because how could I deal with what
I was doing morally? I didn't feel like it was right.
You know, it's not how I grew up. And I mean,
I'm not going to be the moral police. I know that,
(12:47):
you know, a lot of people get into it for
a lot of different reasons, but this is my story
and I think a lot of people can identify with
some of it. So I got really good at dissociating
and and I shot with those people, got more photos,
put newer pictures up. I quit my day job because
(13:08):
I was making good money, and I would do want
to make it clear that I take responsibility for all
everything that I did one hundred percent. It was my choice.
I did it. Take full responsibility for what I've done
in my life. I didn't have I didn't really have anybody,
(13:30):
you know, throughout my teen years tell me like what
kind of man to look for, what do you want
a relationship? How to be healthy, how to love somebody?
So you know, I've learned that as I went along
in my young adult life. So anyway, those photographers introduced
me to my manager, and now I started with a
(13:51):
manager who would book me. I would coe from Florida
to LA all the time do I would do some
shoots and then go back home. And I ended up
moving with this other guy. Okay, I ended moving in
with I can't even be serious about this anymore because
(14:14):
it's so it's so ridiculous. Oh my gosh. Okay, So
I guess I was addicted to love. So I ended
up moving with another guy. He started managing my pooring career,
taking all the money, pushing me to go even further
into things that I wasn't comfortable with, and I did it.
(14:38):
We dated for a year. I thought I was going
to break up with him at some point, but he
ended up ending the relationship and it devastated me. Because
now I live in Tampa, I didn't know anybody. He
kicked me out out of the house, so you know,
I was really afraid to be by myself, so I
(15:00):
just moved in the apartment complex across the street. So
I was scared, and I started online dating again because
how else is am I going to meet anybody? I
don't go anywhere I don't know any people, so I
did that, and that's when I met my abusive ex boyfriend.
(15:24):
He did so many things, pulling me by my hair,
saying he's going to put me six feet under like
every day. I never knew what I was going to
get with him, and I guess I felt like he
was like my dad. My dad had intense emotions, and
I never felt like my dad. I felt when he
cried that he was genuinely remorseful, So for some reason,
(15:46):
I thought that the same with this guy. So when
we would have a fight, he didn't really mean to
do it. You know, he still loves me, he's crying.
So that relationship was three and a half years of
the seven total years that I was in the sex industry.
This boyfriend and I. He did a lot of drugs,
(16:07):
so I started doing drugs with him. Some horrible things happen,
sexual assault. Gosh, it's so crazy to hear myself say that,
because I didn't really call it that before, but it was.
But anyway, I ended up getting out of that relationship
(16:30):
one day. I ended up having a friend that was
doing makeup for us move in with us, and he
told me after living with us, for a little while
that he told me. He said, Chrissy, you need to
get out of this relationship, like he's cheating on you
and he's telling me all about it. And I already
kind of knew he was probably cheating with various people.
(16:54):
And I was like, well, I want to, but I
never have found anybody that will help me. I can't,
just like I couldn't just leave because he was abusive.
He would hide my phone, he would hide my stuff
for me. If we had a fight, he would hide
my phone, and he wouldn't be back for days. So
my friend Bobby, his name's Bobby. He said, Chrissy, I'll
(17:15):
help you. So we loaded up as much as we
could into her car. I took a small carry on suitcase.
But we just needed to get out of Las Vegas,
which is where we were at that point. So we
moved out. We went to La but I would tell
my manager when I was available. I had a website
(17:36):
that was successful, so I didn't have to do things
outside of that because of the success of the website.
Not trying to brag about it, but that was the situation.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
When we come back. More of Chrissy's story here on
our American stories, and we continue with our American stories
(18:10):
and with the story of Chrissy Outlaw, who fled the
porn industry in two thousand and six, and up till
now we've covered how she ended up in this business,
and soon we'll be hearing about how she got out.
Now we returned to Chrissy with more of her story.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
So I was like deep into it now I've been
in for so long. My friend, they'll live with me.
Bobby came home, took a bunch of pills, I think
it was like Xanax and some other stuff. He saw
me laying there and he tried to wake me up,
and he was having a really hard time waking me up. Say,
(18:53):
turned on the water in the bathtub and he gave
me a bath, and like you know, tried to get
me to wait up, and eventually I did. And to
be honest, I don't remember that part. But I ended
up meeting this guy, my next boyfriend. So this guy
wasn't abusive. He was really nice, and he was really funny,
(19:13):
and he was really like a cool guy and I
liked him. So after like the first week, he says,
why don't you just stay? So I moved in because
that's what I do, didn't move in. We were together
for a year and a half, but we were together
all the time, which made me feel super secure, and
(19:36):
I felt like he led me. Towards the end of
our relationship, he told a neighbor when he was asked,
why don't you get married? He told my next door neighbor,
why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free? And I actually I heard the end of it,
and I kind of freaked out. I mean inside, I
(19:59):
didn't really say anything about it, but I was like,
did he really just say that? Because I was just
walking up anyways, So, at the end of our relationship
for a year and a half, he has to go
shoot for this movie. He was just a regular actor,
stunt guy, photographer. You know in LA you have to
wear many hats. So as I was saying goodbye to him,
(20:22):
I said, please don't go to any strip clubs. He laughed,
and you know, he left. And one night he called
me and I heard music and it was two o'clock
in the morning, and I said where are you And
he said he was at a restaurant called PF Chanin's
and he was drunk. I was like you are not
at PF chains, I was super insecure. My heart was
(20:46):
broken because I knew, I just knew that's where he
had gone. And even though I did porn, I felt
like I was always devoted to the men in my
life because I didn't work with me in so anything
else is just acting. And to me, that's where my
(21:07):
where I'm coming from when I say don't go to
a strip club, is that that I wasn't lusting after men.
But if he does something like that, he's going to
be lusting after a woman that's not me. And even
though we weren't married. One of the things that's one
of the things that my dad told me, is that
(21:28):
if a man looks at you with lust, and he's
already committed adultery with you in his heart. And so
I didn't want that to happen. I wanted him to
think I was the best. He didn't need anything else
because I was that girl. Why would he want to
(21:50):
go see another girl like me when I'm already that girl.
I felt like I was his dream girl. I did everything.
I was sweet, kind, loving, give anything for him. So
and I know it sounds d sounds dumb, but that's
just where it was at the time. So when he
(22:12):
said he wasn't at the strip club that night, my
heart broke and I fell on the floor. And I
was just like when I when I was eleven years old,
when I I came to know Jesus and I believed,
But through all these years that had gone by, I
didn't know where God was. I was rebellious. I was like,
(22:35):
why didn't you save me from this? Why didn't you
save me from that? Like if you're real, like I
didn't feel him in my life, and you know, the
the reason is I wasn't trying to have him in
my life. I didn't. I really just didn't know Jesus
as an adult. I knew him when I was a kid,
but n I didn't know how else do you know him?
(22:58):
You know, how you experience him being in your life
as an adult, it's different. So I didn't know where
Jesus was. I didn't know. I thought he had left me,
like he didn't love me, he didn't care about me.
And you know, I saw that love and everything else
and everybody else. So I fell to the ground on
(23:22):
in my kitchen and I was sitting there and I
started praying and I said, God, if you're real, I
need you to show me, because everything that I know
about love is twisted and perverted, is not right and
not the way that I was told it should be.
And I was confused. So the next day or so,
(23:44):
I made a list pros and cons why I should
stay with him. I had to think with the facts
and not so much with my heart. So I realized
I had more reasons to break up with him than
to be with him. So I went to Albuquerque where
(24:05):
he was filming, and the next day we w W.
I went on set with that with my boyfriend. He
had introduced me to a few of the people and
it it was pretty much all all men that day.
So somebody who was standing out there chatting got a
picture and it. They started passing the cell phone around
(24:31):
to each other and everybody was, you know, reacting to it,
and I said, what is it? And my boyfriend said, oh,
it's so and So's wife and she's topless and that
I got super triggered n to like like nothing else,
because marriage is supposed to be sacred, like you don't
(24:56):
do that to your wife, and so I was like, well,
you know, I would hope that if I was married
to someone that they wouldn't do that to me, even
though I had done porn. I'd always imagine that the
guy who I marry is gonna respect me more than
(25:18):
if ever respected myself. So anyway, I said that, and
I'm not a brave person. I'm a very shy person.
So I don't know where that courage came from. But
everybody started laughing at me after I said that. And
you know, the this guy that had just met and
(25:40):
him that was sitting next to me, he says, well,
if I was married, I wouldn't show that to anyone.
It would just be only for me and say I
looked at him, and I'm like, what, Like, there are
people like that in the world, And so I was
in shock. Anyway, So I ended up talking to that
(26:03):
guy again at some point and he said, Chrissy, what
do you do for a job? What do you do?
And I'm like, oh, I am a model because I
never told people that I did porn. And he said, well,
what kind of model? What do you model? And I'm like,
bathing suits, lingerie, I do like car magazines, like I
(26:29):
started making up all kinds of stuff and so eventually
I said Okay, I do adult stuff. He's like, adults
of it. Yeah, porn. He's like, yeah, he said, Chrissy,
I already knew that because your boyfriend had been showing
your pictures to everybody since you know, he's been out here.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
And you're listening to Chrissy Outlaw tell the story of
her life and her redemption. And there's that key moment
where her boyfriend calls him the strip club and she
goes to the floor on her knees and she's crying
and she says, God, if you're real, I need you
to show me everything I think I knew about love
is all twisted and my goodness was it and it's real.
(27:13):
And in the end, the story, well, it takes a turn.
I think you'll all love when we come back more
of Chrissy Outlaws story here on our American Stories. And
(27:37):
we continue with our American stories, and let's pick up
where we left off with Chrissy sharing what she actually
did for a living with a man working on her
boyfriend's movie set. Let's return to Chrissy.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
But then he said, let me ask you something. Do
you believe in God? And I said yes, you know,
he said, you because start over, you can have a
new life and a new relationship with Christ. And we
talked for a little bit and he's like, do you
want to go outside and pray? And I said, sure, yeah,
(28:12):
I want to go outside and pray. I was like,
I was on the verge of crying. So he told
my boyfriend we were going to get outside and pray.
And then my boyfriend was like giving me a look
like what, Like he had no idea what was happening.
So we went outside and prayed, and we sat at
this little table, and you know, I asked Jesus to
(28:36):
come into my heart. I repented of the things that
I had done, and I had decided to turn away
and I was never going to go back. And because
I had prayed for God to give me a sign,
so when he asked me if I believe in God,
it was undeniable. That was the sign. That's what I've
(28:58):
been looking for Jesus. Jesus hasn't having felt his presence
in a long time. So anyway, that night I went
to our hotel room. My boyfriend came in. I told
him that I couldn't sleep with him anymore. I couldn't
sleep in the bed like I'm going to sleep on
the couch, and he was. He was super confused. And
(29:21):
the next day I went home, I packed up my stuff,
I put it in storage, and then I flew to
my new friend Chris that you know, led me to
the Lord. I flew out to be with his family
without him, he was still working on the film. And
so I meet these strangers, his mom, his dad, his sister.
(29:44):
They were so kind to me and so loving, and
they knew what I had done. And they took me
to a pastor who was a spiritual warfare pastor. I
guess that's what he specialized in, and so met with
him a few times. I was there for like two weeks.
I think it was when I got on the airplane,
(30:07):
I sat next to a woman and she was a
counselor to women who have been abused, and she was
sharing so much with me. I was sharing so much
with her. And yeah, and then on the way back,
where I was sitting in the middle of these two guys,
and I looked to see what books they were reading.
They were reading Christian books, and the woman gave she
(30:28):
sent me a purpose driven life, and I was like,
there was no denying that God was in this anyway,
I got home, got back to LA I found my
own place to live by myself for the first time ever.
But I went on on my website. I had a
(30:49):
chat room on my website where I could go in
and talk about anything. So I've made a post saying
why I left the porn industry and that they never
gonna see me again, and I'm I was sorry that I
took him away from the things that were so much
more important, like their families and their children. And you know,
I never should have became that woman. And anyway, so
(31:15):
my webmaster found out about it and removed it and
kicked me out of my website. And then he sent
me a message and he said, if you would have
wanted to go because you wanted to start a family
or something like that, I would have take your website down.
But not for a fairy tale like God. It was horrible.
They get started to advertising my website, making vulgar photos
(31:38):
of me with Jesus and just horrible things. Horrible. They
refused to take the website down. Is still going to
this day. But you know, he asked me where I
want the money to go. I said, I do not
want any of the money, and I was making like
twelve thousand a month. I gave up my income because
(32:02):
I felt like God told me to do that. He
told me not to accept any more money and to
trust him and to lean on him, and he was
going to take care of me. And through that he
did take care of me. Money would come from like nowhere.
It would just be suddenly, Oh, this person wants to
(32:23):
donate you a car. You know, I had to give up.
I gave up everything, my car, my hair snitches, my
fake nails, my fake tan. I gained a few pounds.
I couldn't only have one pair of jeans that even
fit me, and even that I couldn't zip them up.
So my identity was wrapped up in all of those things.
(32:45):
And I had to learn who I was and what
did I like, What were my hopes and my dreams.
And one thing I already knew is that I wanted
to be a wife more than anything. I wanted to
find somebody that loved me, somebody I would be with forever,
(33:08):
you know. And I had some many broken relationships. I
didn't I thought it was so far out of reach.
I would go to church on Sundays, I would go
to the Young Adults church, and then I would go
to another church, and then I would go to Christian counseling,
and then I would listen to all the podcasts I
could listen to. You Like, I feel like I had
(33:30):
so much catching up to do, Like I needed to
learn everything, and I was thirsty for it and I
wanted it. And every time when of these little things happened,
I I thought of it as as a miracle, like
and like, like God is actually proving himself over and
over and over again. You can trust me. I am
(33:51):
your father. You don't have to like not trust me,
like you know my own dad. I didn't really trust him.
I didn't know how he was going to be from
day to day. But God proved to be a good father.
After about five years after I got of the industry,
I decided that I needed to take a break from
(34:14):
dating because I met this beautiful girl who was my friend.
She was like a model and she was doing this
fast from dating and I'm like, that's so weird, but
I'm going to do it too. So she was reading
this book and so she gave me the book and
I was like, Okay, I'm going to take a three
(34:37):
months from dating, and so I met this other guy
through a mutual friend on Facebook, and so I was
hanging out with his friend a lot, and so on Facebook,
he was posting on a lot of pictures of me
and him hanging out, and this guy from Houston would
post underneath almost everything that this guy said, because this
(35:01):
guy was really funny. But the Houston guy would always
be one of the people to respond, and then it
would be me, or it would be me, and then
it would be him, and it would And so I
had just met this guy, like, talked on the phone
with him for the first time when I decided to
go on my fast, like I cut off ties with
everybody because the purpose of this fast was to focus
(35:24):
on Jesus, to get into a deeper relationship with him
and to not be distracted by men. But God told
me it was okay that this guy from Houston. I
can talk to him on the phone, but I can't
skype with him. So he was allowed. And so I
(35:46):
told him, God told me that you could. You could
be my friend through this, but there are rules. You
can't tell me I'm pretty. You can't tell me like
I had a whole list of things and it was
so stupid, but those are the rules. I assumed he
was going to tell me those things, but he didn't,
(36:08):
and he kept he kept his word. I went through
the three months. Then God told me to do another
six months. And during this time, this this man is
has sent me a Bible and we're doing Bible studies
over the phone every day. It went for a year,
and then after the after my fast ended, he had
(36:33):
planned to come out to la and so that's when
we met. We met for the first time. We had
talked for so many hours, and I wanted to hold
his hand, but he pulled away from me. He kind
of rejected me, and I was like, oh, I hurt
my feelings, but it's good. That means because I knew
that I knew the guy that I was going to
(36:54):
be married from my fast. God told me that person
was not going to have sex with me before marriage anyway.
You know. After that, he went home. We continued to
our Bible studies and then I realized I got an
email about doing a speaking engagement and guess what it
was in Houston and guess what else? It was on
(37:16):
Valentine's Day. So I went out there. We hung out
he went to my speaking engagement, met me there, and
then after that we went to his apartment. He made
me some lunch and then he asked me to be
as Valentine, and then we got married. Let's see if
I rede March April May. Three months later we got married,
(37:38):
and in two months I moved to Houston. And now
it's been we're going on, we're going on eight years.
So that's my story.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
And you've been listening to Chrissy Outlaw. I just love
that laugh at the end because it shows you can
get through anything and you can overcome it, and she
did it with God's help. Great job on this, as
always to Greg Hangler. The story of Chrissy Outlaw here
on our American Stories
Host
Lee Habeeb
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