May 25, 2023 • 38 mins
On this episode of Our American Stories, in 2006, Crissy Moran—who was, at the time, one of the biggest porn stars in the world—fled the industry. Today, the married Crissy Outlaw helps other women do the same.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
This is Lee Habib and this is our American Stories,
and we tell stories about everything here on this show,
from the arts to sports, and from business to history
and everything in between. And this next story comes to
us from Houston, Texas, where we are heard on kt
r H seven point forty. A great member of the
iHeart Family. In two thousand and six, Chrissy Moran fled
(00:33):
the porn industry. Today, the married Chrissy Outlaw helps other
women do the same. And just to note, parts of
the subject matter here might not be appropriate for young
young children, but teenagers are over it's worth them listening
to this story too. Here's Chrissy to share her story.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
My earliest memories will probably when I was four years old.
My mom and my dad. There was a time when
they went to church every Sunday. My dad was very, very,
very religious in every sense of the word. When I
was four years old, he told me that if any
(01:17):
man ever touched me, to let him know and he
would kill them. As a four year old, that was terrifying.
So the first time that I was molested, I was
four years old and I went across the street to
(01:37):
swim in our neighbors pool. They had kids, and me
and my brother went over there and their father was
the one who molested me. And I was kind of
scared because I'm like, I don't want to tell anybody,
what if my dad kills somebody. So I never told
(02:01):
anybody until around thirty years old when I told somebody.
And my mom and my dad their relationship was really toxic.
He had started drinking and became an alcoholic, was drinking
all the time. He became violent. He would get angry
(02:23):
at dumb things. He's flipped over our dinner table, he
has to put his fist through things. He was erratic
and out of control, and it was scary. My mom
tried to shelter us from his anger, you know, when
they would have fights, she would tell us to go
in our room and close the door. And we never
(02:46):
really talked about it. But around twelve years old or so,
they ended up sitting us down and saying that they're
going to get a divorce. So when I was thirteen
and I my mom had remarried and she married a
(03:06):
police officer and he was very likable, and I decided
I would rather live with my mom where things seemed
a little more stable. So my dad got really upset,
and when he got upset, he would cry. He cries
so like snot comes out of his nose, like I'm
(03:27):
talking intense crying, and he did that quite a bit.
But to let me go, it really broke his heart.
And he did say, you know, if you move on
with your mom, you're going to become a whore like her.
And my mom was not a whrror. She's only been
with my dad, but she just remarried. So I feel
(03:50):
like he didn't realize it, but he spoke those words
over me, And I mean, I didn't think that would
ever happen, but I think there's power in words. Yeah,
So it was really hard for him. It's hard for
my brother too. My brother was two years younger than me.
(04:11):
But life with my mom and my stepdad wasn't perfect either.
Like I don't blame her, but she spent a lot
of time with my stepdad and not very much time
with me. I had a lot of resent for that,
and I became very rebellious because I felt like nobody
(04:35):
knew me. I had no encouragement. I had nothing positive
in my life, and so as a teenager, I did
a lot of bad things, like shoplifting. So yeah, that
was horrible, horrible, but we kept getting away with it.
(04:56):
And yeah, I shoplifted my prom dress so terrible. My
mom was like, where'd you get this dress? I said, oh, Leanne,
let me borrow it. She didn't believe me. I don't
even know how she knew. I mean, it was like
(05:17):
she knew that I was shoplifting, but she didn't. And
so as a teenager, you know, getting older and starting
to like boys and everything, I had like my first
real relationship when I was sixteen, I think, and my
boyfriend was in college, and I realized that if I
(05:38):
was with him, I felt loved. But when I was seventeen,
I got pregnant. This boy said he would marry me
and we would have the baby if I ever got pregnant.
So it happened, and then he said he wouldn't marry
me because he needs to finish college and gave me
(06:00):
no support. So I was taken to get an abortion
that summer before my senior year of high school. And
then it got all around the school and all the
friends that I had wouldn't speak to me, and I
turned to the person that everybody talks about and doesn't
(06:20):
sit with started to really graduate with very many friends.
I ended up breaking up with that boyfriend, and then
I went with another guy and he and I moved
in together. So it was really disappointing when he got
Playboy TV or whatever on our TV. He would watch
(06:45):
this stuff when I wasn't home, and then whenever I
realized what it was, then he wanted to watch it
with me. It wasn't like hardcore porn, but it was
enough to make me feel like he didn't love me
very much. It just made me feel like it made
me feel ugly that I couldn't be like those girls.
(07:06):
They're better than me, They deserve more attention to me
because they're prettier than me. And I hated that feeling
so much. I hated the women that were in the movies.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
When we come back, more of Chrissy's story here on
Our American Stories Folks, if you love the great American
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(07:44):
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help us keep the great American stories coming. That's our
American Stories dot Com. And we continue with our American
(08:10):
stories and with Chrissy outlaws story. Let's pick up where
we last left off.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I could also see why he would want to look
at that, because it was way better than looking at me.
So I tried to like just be open minded. We
didn't last very long. We lived together for a few
months and then we broke up, and then I moved
back home. And what happened is, first off, the internet
(08:40):
just started. It was the beginning of the internet. And yeah,
it was a long time ago. And I found these
chat rooms and stuff so I could communicate with other people.
So I would, you know, work all day. I would
come back to my mom's house and get online. And
I started meeting men to date, and I met quite
(09:04):
a few of them. I had no regard for my
life at all, because if I didn't feel loves then
nothing mattered, you know, if I would do anything for that.
So I met up with a few different guys. I
had been raped, I had been roofed, so anyway, you know,
(09:27):
I noticed that some of the girls had like modeling
portfolios that were online, and so some of the girls
in the chatroom so would become friends with them, and
then I was led to that, and I was looking
at these girls' pictures and their models, and they're getting
people to hire them to do shoots. So I was like, well,
(09:53):
I just wanted to see if I could do it.
I would have just wanted to see if somebody would
think I was pretty enough to do it. Found some
like snapshots, put them online. People started contacting me to
do work, but the work that they wanted me to
do was porn, and so I hated porn. I didn't
want to be in porn. It represented, you know, insecurity
(10:17):
for me and fear and all of those things. And
it was a photographer that shot some famous women who
ended up being in Playboy, and I felt like they
looked so beautiful. Maybe if he thinks he can make
me look like that, then okay, I'll try it. Because
(10:39):
he had confidence in me, so the first night we shot,
when he started asking me to remove clothing, I just
remember feeling like my heart was racing and just feeling
like what am I doing? Like in my head, what
am I doing? What am I doing? And then I
told myself of you know, like I can't like I
(11:04):
felt like I couldn't be there. So I learned to dissociate,
which was something I learned as a child, and I
didn't know it so that you're not really there. It's
really hard to explain. But I checked out. And the
next day he wanted to shoot me again, and he
wanted to push my boundaries a little more and I
(11:26):
didn't want to, and I told him I didn't want to.
But then during the shoot, you know, he guided it
and he got the photos that he wanted, and you know,
again getting offers for work. I was depressed. I didn't
feel loved, but these people kept asking me to do shoots,
(11:46):
so like, well, there's something about me that somebody likes.
So eventually I you know, said yes again. I shot
with a photographer, shot in a huge mansion, you know,
the marble floors, winding staircases. It was beautiful. And the
(12:10):
shoot that I did, you have a hair person, you
have a makeup person, you have everything. I felt beautiful,
I felt glamorous. I felt like they loved me. And
as we would shoot and I would start removing articles
of clothing, I checked out. And that's how I was
throughout my whole time in the industry. And I had
(12:32):
to check out because how could I deal with what
I was doing morally? I didn't feel like it was right.
You know, it's not how I grew up. I mean,
I'm not going to be the moral police. I know that,
you know, a lot of people get into it for
a lot of different reasons. But this is my story,
and I think a lot of people can identify with
(12:55):
some of it. So I got really good at dissociating
and and I shot with those people, got more photos,
put newer pictures up. I quit my day job because
I was making good money, and I would do want
to make it clear that I take responsibility for all
everything that I did, one hundred percent. It was my choice.
(13:19):
I did it. Take full responsibility for what I've done
in my life. I didn't have I didn't really have anybody,
you know, throughout my teen years tell me, like what
kind of man to look for, what do you want
a relationship? How to be healthy? How to love somebody?
(13:40):
So you know, I've learned that as I went along
in my young adult life. So anyway, those photographers introduced
me to my manager, and now I started with a
manager who would book me. I would cope from Florida
to la all the time do I would do some
shoots and then go back home. And I ended up
(14:04):
moving with this other guy. Okay, I ended moving in
with I can't even be serious about this anymore because
it's so it's so ridiculous. Oh my gosh. Okay, So
I guess I was addicted to love. So I ended
(14:24):
up moving with another guy. He started managing my pooring career,
taking all the money, pushing me to go even further
into things that I wasn't comfortable with, and I did it.
We dated for a year. I thought I was going
to break up with him at some point, but he
(14:45):
ended up ending the relationship and it devastated me. Because
now I live in Tampa, I didn't know anybody. He
kicked me out out of the house, so you know,
I was really afraid to be by myself. So I
just moved in the apartment complex across the street because
I was scared, and I started online dating again because
(15:09):
how else am I going to meet anybody. I don't
go anywhere, I don't know any people. So I did that,
and that's when I met my abusive ex boyfriend. He
did so many things, pulling me by my hair, saying
he's going to put me six feet under like every day.
(15:30):
I never knew what I was going to get with him,
and I guess I felt like he was like my dad.
My dad had intense emotions, and I never felt like
my dad. I felt when he cried that he was
genuinely remorseful. So for some reason, I thought that the
same with this guy. So when we would have a fight,
he didn't really mean to do it. You know, he
(15:53):
still loves me, he's crying. So that relationship was three
and a half years of the seven total years that
I was in the sex industry. This boyfriend and I.
He did a lot of drugs, so I started doing
drugs with him. Some horrible things happen, sexual assault. Gosh,
(16:16):
it's so crazy to hear myself say that, because I
didn't really call it that before, but it was. But anyway,
I ended up getting out of that relationship one day.
I ended up having a friend that was doing makeup
for us move in with us, and he told me
(16:39):
after living with us for a little while that he
told me, he said, Chrissy, you need to get out
of this relationship, like he's cheating on you and he's
telling me all about it. And I already kind of
knew he was probably cheating with various people. And I
was like, well, I want to, but I never have
found anybody that will help me. I can't, just like
(17:00):
I couldn't just leave because he was abusive. He would
hide my phone, he would hide my stuff for me.
If we had a fight, he would hide my phone
and he wouldn't be back for days. So my friend Bobby,
his name is Bobby, He's said, Chrissy, I'll help you.
So we loaded up as much as we could into
her car. I took a small carry on suitcase. But
(17:24):
we just needed to get out of Las Vegas, which
is where we were at that point, So we moved out.
We went to La but I would tell my manager
when I was available. I had a website that was successful,
so I didn't have to do things outside of that
because of the success of the website. Not trying to
(17:46):
brag about it, but that was the situation.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
When we come back more of Chrissy's story here on
our American Stories, and we continue with our American stories
(18:10):
and with the story of Chrissy Outlaw, who fled the
porn industry in two thousand and six, and up till
now we've covered how she ended up in this business,
and soon we'll be hearing about how she got out.
Now we returned to Chrissy with more of her story.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
So I was like, deep into it now I've been
in for so long. My friend, they'll live with me.
Bobby came home, took a bunch of pills, I think
it was like Xanax and some other stuff. He saw
me laying there and he tried to wake me up,
and he was having a really hard time waking me up.
(18:53):
So he turned on the water in the bathtub and
he gave me a bath and like you know, tried
to get me away up and eventually I did. And
to be honest, I don't remember that part. But I
ended up meeting this guy, my next boyfriend. So this
guy wasn't abusive. He was really nice, and he was
really funny, and he was really like a cool guy
(19:17):
and I liked him. So after like the first week,
he says, why don't you just stay? So I moved
in because that's what I do. Didn't move again. We
were together for a year and a half, but we
were together all the time, which made me feel super secure,
and I felt like he led me. Towards the end
(19:38):
of our relationship, he told a neighbor when he was asked,
why don't you get married? He told my next door neighbor,
why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free? And I actually I heard the end of it,
and I kind of freaked out. I mean inside, I
(19:58):
didn't really say anything about it, but I was like,
did he really just say that? Because I was just
walking up anyways, So, at the end of a relationship
for a year and a half, he has to go
shoot for this movie. He was just a regular actor,
stunt guy, photographer. You know in LA you have to
wear many hats. So as I was saying goodbye to him,
(20:22):
I said, please don't go to any strip clubs. He laughed,
and you know, he left. And one night he called
me and I heard music and it was two o'clock
in the morning, and I said where are you And
he said he was at a restaurant called PF Chains.
And he was drunk always like you are not at
PF chains. I was super insecure. My heart was broken
(20:46):
because I knew, I just knew that's where he had gone.
And even though I did porn, I felt like I
was always devoted to the men in my life because
I didn't work with me in so anything else is
just acting. And to me, that's where my where I'm
(21:07):
coming from when I say don't go to strip club,
is that that I wasn't lusting after men. But if
he does something like that, he's going to be lusting
after a woman that's not me. And even though we
weren't married. One of the things that's one of the
things that my dad told me, is that if a
(21:28):
man looks at you with lust, and he's already committed
adultery with you and in his heart, and so I
didn't want that to happen. I wanted him to think
I was the best. He didn't need anything else because
I was that girl. Why would he want to go
(21:50):
see another girl like me when I'm already that girl.
I felt like I was his dream girl. I did everything.
I was sweet, kind, loving, give anything for him. So
and I know it sounds sounds dumb, but that's just
where it was at the time. So when he said
(22:13):
he wasn't at the strip club that night, I my
heart broke and I fell on the floor. And I
was just like when I when I was eleven years old,
just so when I I came to know Jesus and
I believed, But through all these years that had gone by,
I didn't know where God was. I was rebellious. I
(22:34):
was like, why didn't you save me from this? Why
didn't you save me from that? Like if you're real,
like I didn't feel him in my life, and you know,
the the reason is I wasn't trying to have him
in my life. I didn't. I really just didn't know
Jesus as an adult. I knew him when I was
a kid, but n I didn't know how else do
(22:57):
you know him? You know how you experience him being
in your life as an adult, it's different. So I
didn't know where Jesus was. I didn't know. I thought
he had left me, like he didn't love me, he
didn't care about me, And you know that I saw
that love and everything else and everybody else. So I
(23:21):
fell to the ground in my kitchen and I was
sitting there and I started praying and I said, God,
if you're real, I need you to show me because
everything that I know about love is twisted and perverted,
is not right and not the way that I was
told it should be. And I was confused. So the
(23:42):
next day or so, I made a list pros and
cons why I should stay with him. I had to
think with the facts and not so much with my heart.
So I realized I had more reasons to break up
with him than to be with him. So I went
(24:03):
to Abera Querque where he was filming, and the next
day we w W. I went on set with that
with my boyfriend. He had introduced me to a few
of the people and it it was pretty much all
all men that day. So somebody who was standing out
(24:24):
there chatting got a picture and it. They started passing
the cell phone around to each other and everybody was,
you know, reacting to it. And I said, what is it?
And my boyfriend said, oh, it's so and So's wife
and she's topless. And I got super triggered n to
(24:47):
like like nothing else, because marriage is supposed to be sacred,
like you don't do that to your wife, And so
I was like well, you know, I would hope that
if I was married to someone that they wouldn't do
(25:08):
that to me, even though I had done porn. I
always imagine that the guy who I marry is gonna
respect me more than I've ever respected myself. So anyway,
I said that, and I'm not a brave person. I'm
a very shy person. So I don't know where that
courage came from. But everybody started laughing at me after
(25:33):
I said that. And you know, the this guy that
had just met and him that was sitting next to me,
he says, well, if I was married, I wouldn't show
that to anyone. It would just be only for me
and say I looked at him and I'm like, what, Like,
there are people like that in the world, And so
(25:56):
I was in shock. Anyway, So I ended up talking
to that guy again at some point and he said, Chrissy,
what do you do for a job. What do you do?
And I'm like, oh, I am a model because I
never told people that I did porn. And he said, well,
(26:17):
what kind of model? What do you model? And I'm like,
bathing suits, lingerie, I do like car magazines. Like I
started making up all kinds of stuff. And so eventually
I said, okay, I do adult stuff. He's like, adults
of it, yeah, porn. And he's like, yeah, he said, Crissy,
(26:40):
I already knew that because your boyfriend had been showing
your pictures to everybody since you know, he's been out here.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
And you're listening to Chrissy Outlaw tell the story of
her life and her redemption. And there's that key moment
where her boyfriend calls from the strip club and she
goes to the floor on her knees and she's crying
and she says, God, if you're real, I need you
to show me everything I think I knew about love
is all twisted and my goodness was it and it's real.
(27:13):
And in the end, the story, well, it takes a turn.
I think you'll all love when we come back more
of Chrissy Outlaws story here on our American Stories. And
(27:37):
we continue with our American stories, and let's pick up
where we left off with Chrissy sharing what she actually
did for a living with a man working on her
boyfriend's movie set. Let's return to Chrissy.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
But then he said, let me ask you something. Do
you believe in God? And I said, yes, you know,
he said you because over you can have a new
life and a new relationship with Christ. And we talked
for a little bit and he's like, do you want
to go outside and pray? And I said, sure, yeah,
(28:12):
I want to go outside and pray. I was like,
I was on the verge of crying. So he told
my boyfriend we were going to get outside and pray.
And then my boyfriend was like giving me a look
like what, Like he had no idea what was happening.
So we went outside and prayed to We sat at
this little table and you know, I asked Jesus to
(28:36):
come into my heart. I repented of the things that
I had done, and I had decided to turn away
and I was never going to go back. And because
I had prayed for God to give me a sign,
so when he asked me if I believe in God,
it was undeniable. That was the sign. That's what I've
(28:58):
been looking for Jesus. Jesus hasn't I haven't felt his
presence in a long time. So anyway, that night I
went to our hotel room. My boyfriend came in. I
told him that I couldn't sleep with him anymore. I
couldn't sleep in the bed, like I'm going to sleep
on the couch, and he was. He was super confused.
(29:20):
And the next day I went home, I packed up
my stuff, I put it in storage, and then I
flew to my new friend Chris that that you know,
led me to the Lord. I flew out to be
with his family without him, he was still working on
the film. And so I meet these strangers, his mom,
(29:42):
his dad, his sister. They were so kind to me
and so loving, and they knew what I had done.
And they took me to a pastor who was a
spiritual warfare pastor. I guess that's what he specialized in,
and so met with him a few times. I was
there for like two weeks. I think it was when
(30:05):
I got on the airplane, I sat next to a
woman and she was a counselor to women who have
been abused, and she was sharing so much with me.
I was sharing so much with her. And yeah, and
then on the way back, where I was sitting in
the middle of these two guys, and I looked to
see what books they were reading. They were reading Christian books,
(30:27):
and the woman gave she sent me a purpose driven life,
and I was like there was no denying that God
was in this anyway, I got home, got back to
LA I found my own place to live by myself
for the first time ever. But I went on my website.
(30:49):
I had a chat room on my website where I
could go in and talk about anything. So I've made
a post saying why I left the porn industry and
that they never gonna see me again. And I was
sorry that I took them away from the things that
were so much more important, like their families and their children.
And you know, I never should have became that woman.
(31:12):
And anyway, so my webmaster found out about it and
removed it and kicked me out of my website. And
then he sent me a message and he said, if
you would have wanted to go because you wanted to
start a family or something like that, I would have
take your website down. But not for a fairy tale
like God. It was horrible. They get started to advertising
(31:34):
my website, making vulgar photos of me with Jesus and
just horrible things. Horrible. They refused to take the website down.
Is still going to this day. But you know, he
asked me where I wanted the money to go I said,
I do not want any of the money. And I
(31:55):
was making like twelve thousand a month. I gave up
my income because I felt like God told me to
do that. He told me not to accept any more
money and to trust him and to lean on him,
and he was going to take care of me. And
through that he did take care of me. Money would
(32:17):
come from like nowhere. It would just be suddenly, Oh,
this person wants to donate you a car. You know.
I had to give up. I gave up everything, my car,
my hair stanches, my fake nails, my fake tan. I
gained a few pounds, I couldn't only have one pair
of jeans that even fit me, and even that I
(32:39):
couldn't zip ab up. So my identity was wrapped up
in all of those things. And I had to learn
who I was and what did I like? What were
my hopes and my dreams. And one thing I already
knew is that I wanted to be a wife more
(33:00):
than anything. I wanted to find somebody that loved me,
that somebody I would be with forever, you know, And
I had so many broken relationships I didn't I thought
it was so far out of reach. I would go
to church. On Sundays, I would go to the young
adult's church, and then I would go to another church,
(33:22):
and then I would go to Christian counseling, and then
I would listen to all the podcasts that I could
listen to, Like I feel like I had so much
catching up to do, Like I needed to learn everything,
and I was thirsty for it and I wanted it.
And every time when of these little things happened, I
thought of it as as a miracle, like and like,
(33:44):
like God is actually proving himself over and over and
over again. You can trust me. I am your father.
You don't have to like not trust me, like you
know my own dad. I didn't really trust him. I
didn't know how he was going to be from day
to day. But God proved to be a good father.
(34:07):
After about five years after I got of the industry,
I decided that I needed to take a break from
dating because I met this beautiful girl who was my friend.
She was like a model and she was doing this
fast from dating and I'm like, that's so weird, but
I'm going to do it too. So she was reading
(34:30):
this book and so she gave me the book and
I was like Okay, I'm going to take a three
months from dating. And so I met this other guy
through a mutual friend on Facebook, and so I was
hanging out with his friend a lot, and so on Facebook,
he was posting on a lot of pictures of me
and him hanging out, and this guy from Houston would
(34:57):
post underneath almost everything that this guy said, because this
guy was really funny. But the Houston guy would always
be one of the people to respond and then it
would be me, or it would be me, and then
it would be him, and it would And so I
had just met this guy, like talked on the phone
with him for the first time when I decided to
go on my fast, like I cut off ties with
(35:19):
everybody because the purpose of this fast was to focus
on Jesus, to get into a deeper relationship with him
and to not be distracted by men. But God told
me it was okay that this guy from Houston. I
can talk to him on the phone, but I can't
(35:40):
skype with him. So he was allowed. And so I
told him, God told me that you could. You could
be my friend through this, but there are rules. You
can't tell me I'm pretty. You can't tell me like
I had a whole list of things and it was
so stupid, but those are the rules. I assumed he
(36:05):
was going to tell me those things, but he didn't,
and he kept he kept his word. I went through
the three months. Then God told me to do another
six months. And during this time, this this man is
has sent me a Bible and we're doing Bible studies
over the phone every day. It went for a year,
(36:28):
and then after the after my fast ended, he had
planned to come out to LA and so that's when
we met. We met for the first time. We had
talked for so many hours, and I wanted to hold
his hand, but he pulled away from me, kind of
rejected me. And I was like, oh, I hurt my feelings,
(36:50):
but it's good. That means because I knew that I
knew the guy that I was get married from my fast.
God told me that person was not going to have
sex with me before marriage anyway. You know. After that,
he went home. We continued to our Bible studies and
then I realized I got an email about doing a
(37:10):
speaking engagement and guess what it was in Houston and
guess what else? It was on Valentine's Day. So I
went out there, we hung out. He went to my
speaking engagement, met me there, and then after that we
went to his apartment. He made me some lunch and
then he asked me to be as Valentine, and then
(37:32):
we got married. Let's see if Ivorde March April May.
Three months later we got married, and in two months
I moved to Houston. And now it's been we're going on,
we're going on eight years. So that's my story.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
And you've been listening to Chrissy Outlaw. I just love
that laugh at the end because it shows you can
get through anything and you can overcome it, and she
did it with God's help. Great job on this, as
always to Greg Hangler, the story of Chrissy Outlaw here
on our American Stories
This is Lee Habib and this is our American Stories,
and we tell stories about everything here on this show,
from the arts to sports, and from business to history
and everything in between. And this next story comes to
us from Houston, Texas, where we are heard on kt
r H seven point forty. A great member of the
iHeart Family. In two thousand and six, Chrissy Moran fled
(00:33):
the porn industry. Today, the married Chrissy Outlaw helps other
women do the same. And just to note, parts of
the subject matter here might not be appropriate for young
young children, but teenagers are over it's worth them listening
to this story too. Here's Chrissy to share her story.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
My earliest memories will probably when I was four years old.
My mom and my dad. There was a time when
they went to church every Sunday. My dad was very, very,
very religious in every sense of the word. When I
was four years old, he told me that if any
(01:17):
man ever touched me, to let him know and he
would kill them. As a four year old, that was terrifying.
So the first time that I was molested, I was
four years old and I went across the street to
(01:37):
swim in our neighbors pool. They had kids, and me
and my brother went over there and their father was
the one who molested me. And I was kind of
scared because I'm like, I don't want to tell anybody,
what if my dad kills somebody. So I never told
(02:01):
anybody until around thirty years old when I told somebody.
And my mom and my dad their relationship was really toxic.
He had started drinking and became an alcoholic, was drinking
all the time. He became violent. He would get angry
(02:23):
at dumb things. He's flipped over our dinner table, he
has to put his fist through things. He was erratic
and out of control, and it was scary. My mom
tried to shelter us from his anger, you know, when
they would have fights, she would tell us to go
in our room and close the door. And we never
(02:46):
really talked about it. But around twelve years old or so,
they ended up sitting us down and saying that they're
going to get a divorce. So when I was thirteen
and I my mom had remarried and she married a
(03:06):
police officer and he was very likable, and I decided
I would rather live with my mom where things seemed
a little more stable. So my dad got really upset,
and when he got upset, he would cry. He cries
so like snot comes out of his nose, like I'm
(03:27):
talking intense crying, and he did that quite a bit.
But to let me go, it really broke his heart.
And he did say, you know, if you move on
with your mom, you're going to become a whore like her.
And my mom was not a whrror. She's only been
with my dad, but she just remarried. So I feel
(03:50):
like he didn't realize it, but he spoke those words
over me, And I mean, I didn't think that would
ever happen, but I think there's power in words. Yeah,
So it was really hard for him. It's hard for
my brother too. My brother was two years younger than me.
(04:11):
But life with my mom and my stepdad wasn't perfect either.
Like I don't blame her, but she spent a lot
of time with my stepdad and not very much time
with me. I had a lot of resent for that,
and I became very rebellious because I felt like nobody
(04:35):
knew me. I had no encouragement. I had nothing positive
in my life, and so as a teenager, I did
a lot of bad things, like shoplifting. So yeah, that
was horrible, horrible, but we kept getting away with it.
(04:56):
And yeah, I shoplifted my prom dress so terrible. My
mom was like, where'd you get this dress? I said, oh, Leanne,
let me borrow it. She didn't believe me. I don't
even know how she knew. I mean, it was like
(05:17):
she knew that I was shoplifting, but she didn't. And
so as a teenager, you know, getting older and starting
to like boys and everything, I had like my first
real relationship when I was sixteen, I think, and my
boyfriend was in college, and I realized that if I
(05:38):
was with him, I felt loved. But when I was seventeen,
I got pregnant. This boy said he would marry me
and we would have the baby if I ever got pregnant.
So it happened, and then he said he wouldn't marry
me because he needs to finish college and gave me
(06:00):
no support. So I was taken to get an abortion
that summer before my senior year of high school. And
then it got all around the school and all the
friends that I had wouldn't speak to me, and I
turned to the person that everybody talks about and doesn't
(06:20):
sit with started to really graduate with very many friends.
I ended up breaking up with that boyfriend, and then
I went with another guy and he and I moved
in together. So it was really disappointing when he got
Playboy TV or whatever on our TV. He would watch
(06:45):
this stuff when I wasn't home, and then whenever I
realized what it was, then he wanted to watch it
with me. It wasn't like hardcore porn, but it was
enough to make me feel like he didn't love me
very much. It just made me feel like it made
me feel ugly that I couldn't be like those girls.
(07:06):
They're better than me, They deserve more attention to me
because they're prettier than me. And I hated that feeling
so much. I hated the women that were in the movies.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
When we come back, more of Chrissy's story here on
Our American Stories Folks, if you love the great American
stories we tell and love America like we do, we're
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help us keep the great American stories coming. That's our
American Stories dot Com. And we continue with our American
(08:10):
stories and with Chrissy outlaws story. Let's pick up where
we last left off.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I could also see why he would want to look
at that, because it was way better than looking at me.
So I tried to like just be open minded. We
didn't last very long. We lived together for a few
months and then we broke up, and then I moved
back home. And what happened is, first off, the internet
(08:40):
just started. It was the beginning of the internet. And yeah,
it was a long time ago. And I found these
chat rooms and stuff so I could communicate with other people.
So I would, you know, work all day. I would
come back to my mom's house and get online. And
I started meeting men to date, and I met quite
(09:04):
a few of them. I had no regard for my
life at all, because if I didn't feel loves then
nothing mattered, you know, if I would do anything for that.
So I met up with a few different guys. I
had been raped, I had been roofed, so anyway, you know,
(09:27):
I noticed that some of the girls had like modeling
portfolios that were online, and so some of the girls
in the chatroom so would become friends with them, and
then I was led to that, and I was looking
at these girls' pictures and their models, and they're getting
people to hire them to do shoots. So I was like, well,
(09:53):
I just wanted to see if I could do it.
I would have just wanted to see if somebody would
think I was pretty enough to do it. Found some
like snapshots, put them online. People started contacting me to
do work, but the work that they wanted me to
do was porn, and so I hated porn. I didn't
want to be in porn. It represented, you know, insecurity
(10:17):
for me and fear and all of those things. And
it was a photographer that shot some famous women who
ended up being in Playboy, and I felt like they
looked so beautiful. Maybe if he thinks he can make
me look like that, then okay, I'll try it. Because
(10:39):
he had confidence in me, so the first night we shot,
when he started asking me to remove clothing, I just
remember feeling like my heart was racing and just feeling
like what am I doing? Like in my head, what
am I doing? What am I doing? And then I
told myself of you know, like I can't like I
(11:04):
felt like I couldn't be there. So I learned to dissociate,
which was something I learned as a child, and I
didn't know it so that you're not really there. It's
really hard to explain. But I checked out. And the
next day he wanted to shoot me again, and he
wanted to push my boundaries a little more and I
(11:26):
didn't want to, and I told him I didn't want to.
But then during the shoot, you know, he guided it
and he got the photos that he wanted, and you know,
again getting offers for work. I was depressed. I didn't
feel loved, but these people kept asking me to do shoots,
(11:46):
so like, well, there's something about me that somebody likes.
So eventually I you know, said yes again. I shot
with a photographer, shot in a huge mansion, you know,
the marble floors, winding staircases. It was beautiful. And the
(12:10):
shoot that I did, you have a hair person, you
have a makeup person, you have everything. I felt beautiful,
I felt glamorous. I felt like they loved me. And
as we would shoot and I would start removing articles
of clothing, I checked out. And that's how I was
throughout my whole time in the industry. And I had
(12:32):
to check out because how could I deal with what
I was doing morally? I didn't feel like it was right.
You know, it's not how I grew up. I mean,
I'm not going to be the moral police. I know that,
you know, a lot of people get into it for
a lot of different reasons. But this is my story,
and I think a lot of people can identify with
(12:55):
some of it. So I got really good at dissociating
and and I shot with those people, got more photos,
put newer pictures up. I quit my day job because
I was making good money, and I would do want
to make it clear that I take responsibility for all
everything that I did, one hundred percent. It was my choice.
(13:19):
I did it. Take full responsibility for what I've done
in my life. I didn't have I didn't really have anybody,
you know, throughout my teen years tell me, like what
kind of man to look for, what do you want
a relationship? How to be healthy? How to love somebody?
(13:40):
So you know, I've learned that as I went along
in my young adult life. So anyway, those photographers introduced
me to my manager, and now I started with a
manager who would book me. I would cope from Florida
to la all the time do I would do some
shoots and then go back home. And I ended up
(14:04):
moving with this other guy. Okay, I ended moving in
with I can't even be serious about this anymore because
it's so it's so ridiculous. Oh my gosh. Okay, So
I guess I was addicted to love. So I ended
(14:24):
up moving with another guy. He started managing my pooring career,
taking all the money, pushing me to go even further
into things that I wasn't comfortable with, and I did it.
We dated for a year. I thought I was going
to break up with him at some point, but he
(14:45):
ended up ending the relationship and it devastated me. Because
now I live in Tampa, I didn't know anybody. He
kicked me out out of the house, so you know,
I was really afraid to be by myself. So I
just moved in the apartment complex across the street because
I was scared, and I started online dating again because
(15:09):
how else am I going to meet anybody. I don't
go anywhere, I don't know any people. So I did that,
and that's when I met my abusive ex boyfriend. He
did so many things, pulling me by my hair, saying
he's going to put me six feet under like every day.
(15:30):
I never knew what I was going to get with him,
and I guess I felt like he was like my dad.
My dad had intense emotions, and I never felt like
my dad. I felt when he cried that he was
genuinely remorseful. So for some reason, I thought that the
same with this guy. So when we would have a fight,
he didn't really mean to do it. You know, he
(15:53):
still loves me, he's crying. So that relationship was three
and a half years of the seven total years that
I was in the sex industry. This boyfriend and I.
He did a lot of drugs, so I started doing
drugs with him. Some horrible things happen, sexual assault. Gosh,
(16:16):
it's so crazy to hear myself say that, because I
didn't really call it that before, but it was. But anyway,
I ended up getting out of that relationship one day.
I ended up having a friend that was doing makeup
for us move in with us, and he told me
(16:39):
after living with us for a little while that he
told me, he said, Chrissy, you need to get out
of this relationship, like he's cheating on you and he's
telling me all about it. And I already kind of
knew he was probably cheating with various people. And I
was like, well, I want to, but I never have
found anybody that will help me. I can't, just like
(17:00):
I couldn't just leave because he was abusive. He would
hide my phone, he would hide my stuff for me.
If we had a fight, he would hide my phone
and he wouldn't be back for days. So my friend Bobby,
his name is Bobby, He's said, Chrissy, I'll help you.
So we loaded up as much as we could into
her car. I took a small carry on suitcase. But
(17:24):
we just needed to get out of Las Vegas, which
is where we were at that point, So we moved out.
We went to La but I would tell my manager
when I was available. I had a website that was successful,
so I didn't have to do things outside of that
because of the success of the website. Not trying to
(17:46):
brag about it, but that was the situation.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
When we come back more of Chrissy's story here on
our American Stories, and we continue with our American stories
(18:10):
and with the story of Chrissy Outlaw, who fled the
porn industry in two thousand and six, and up till
now we've covered how she ended up in this business,
and soon we'll be hearing about how she got out.
Now we returned to Chrissy with more of her story.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
So I was like, deep into it now I've been
in for so long. My friend, they'll live with me.
Bobby came home, took a bunch of pills, I think
it was like Xanax and some other stuff. He saw
me laying there and he tried to wake me up,
and he was having a really hard time waking me up.
(18:53):
So he turned on the water in the bathtub and
he gave me a bath and like you know, tried
to get me away up and eventually I did. And
to be honest, I don't remember that part. But I
ended up meeting this guy, my next boyfriend. So this
guy wasn't abusive. He was really nice, and he was
really funny, and he was really like a cool guy
(19:17):
and I liked him. So after like the first week,
he says, why don't you just stay? So I moved
in because that's what I do. Didn't move again. We
were together for a year and a half, but we
were together all the time, which made me feel super secure,
and I felt like he led me. Towards the end
(19:38):
of our relationship, he told a neighbor when he was asked,
why don't you get married? He told my next door neighbor,
why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free? And I actually I heard the end of it,
and I kind of freaked out. I mean inside, I
(19:58):
didn't really say anything about it, but I was like,
did he really just say that? Because I was just
walking up anyways, So, at the end of a relationship
for a year and a half, he has to go
shoot for this movie. He was just a regular actor,
stunt guy, photographer. You know in LA you have to
wear many hats. So as I was saying goodbye to him,
(20:22):
I said, please don't go to any strip clubs. He laughed,
and you know, he left. And one night he called
me and I heard music and it was two o'clock
in the morning, and I said where are you And
he said he was at a restaurant called PF Chains.
And he was drunk always like you are not at
PF chains. I was super insecure. My heart was broken
(20:46):
because I knew, I just knew that's where he had gone.
And even though I did porn, I felt like I
was always devoted to the men in my life because
I didn't work with me in so anything else is
just acting. And to me, that's where my where I'm
(21:07):
coming from when I say don't go to strip club,
is that that I wasn't lusting after men. But if
he does something like that, he's going to be lusting
after a woman that's not me. And even though we
weren't married. One of the things that's one of the
things that my dad told me, is that if a
(21:28):
man looks at you with lust, and he's already committed
adultery with you and in his heart, and so I
didn't want that to happen. I wanted him to think
I was the best. He didn't need anything else because
I was that girl. Why would he want to go
(21:50):
see another girl like me when I'm already that girl.
I felt like I was his dream girl. I did everything.
I was sweet, kind, loving, give anything for him. So
and I know it sounds sounds dumb, but that's just
where it was at the time. So when he said
(22:13):
he wasn't at the strip club that night, I my
heart broke and I fell on the floor. And I
was just like when I when I was eleven years old,
just so when I I came to know Jesus and
I believed, But through all these years that had gone by,
I didn't know where God was. I was rebellious. I
(22:34):
was like, why didn't you save me from this? Why
didn't you save me from that? Like if you're real,
like I didn't feel him in my life, and you know,
the the reason is I wasn't trying to have him
in my life. I didn't. I really just didn't know
Jesus as an adult. I knew him when I was
a kid, but n I didn't know how else do
(22:57):
you know him? You know how you experience him being
in your life as an adult, it's different. So I
didn't know where Jesus was. I didn't know. I thought
he had left me, like he didn't love me, he
didn't care about me, And you know that I saw
that love and everything else and everybody else. So I
(23:21):
fell to the ground in my kitchen and I was
sitting there and I started praying and I said, God,
if you're real, I need you to show me because
everything that I know about love is twisted and perverted,
is not right and not the way that I was
told it should be. And I was confused. So the
(23:42):
next day or so, I made a list pros and
cons why I should stay with him. I had to
think with the facts and not so much with my heart.
So I realized I had more reasons to break up
with him than to be with him. So I went
(24:03):
to Abera Querque where he was filming, and the next
day we w W. I went on set with that
with my boyfriend. He had introduced me to a few
of the people and it it was pretty much all
all men that day. So somebody who was standing out
(24:24):
there chatting got a picture and it. They started passing
the cell phone around to each other and everybody was,
you know, reacting to it. And I said, what is it?
And my boyfriend said, oh, it's so and So's wife
and she's topless. And I got super triggered n to
(24:47):
like like nothing else, because marriage is supposed to be sacred,
like you don't do that to your wife, And so
I was like well, you know, I would hope that
if I was married to someone that they wouldn't do
(25:08):
that to me, even though I had done porn. I
always imagine that the guy who I marry is gonna
respect me more than I've ever respected myself. So anyway,
I said that, and I'm not a brave person. I'm
a very shy person. So I don't know where that
courage came from. But everybody started laughing at me after
(25:33):
I said that. And you know, the this guy that
had just met and him that was sitting next to me,
he says, well, if I was married, I wouldn't show
that to anyone. It would just be only for me
and say I looked at him and I'm like, what, Like,
there are people like that in the world, And so
(25:56):
I was in shock. Anyway, So I ended up talking
to that guy again at some point and he said, Chrissy,
what do you do for a job. What do you do?
And I'm like, oh, I am a model because I
never told people that I did porn. And he said, well,
(26:17):
what kind of model? What do you model? And I'm like,
bathing suits, lingerie, I do like car magazines. Like I
started making up all kinds of stuff. And so eventually
I said, okay, I do adult stuff. He's like, adults
of it, yeah, porn. And he's like, yeah, he said, Crissy,
(26:40):
I already knew that because your boyfriend had been showing
your pictures to everybody since you know, he's been out here.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
And you're listening to Chrissy Outlaw tell the story of
her life and her redemption. And there's that key moment
where her boyfriend calls from the strip club and she
goes to the floor on her knees and she's crying
and she says, God, if you're real, I need you
to show me everything I think I knew about love
is all twisted and my goodness was it and it's real.
(27:13):
And in the end, the story, well, it takes a turn.
I think you'll all love when we come back more
of Chrissy Outlaws story here on our American Stories. And
(27:37):
we continue with our American stories, and let's pick up
where we left off with Chrissy sharing what she actually
did for a living with a man working on her
boyfriend's movie set. Let's return to Chrissy.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
But then he said, let me ask you something. Do
you believe in God? And I said, yes, you know,
he said you because over you can have a new
life and a new relationship with Christ. And we talked
for a little bit and he's like, do you want
to go outside and pray? And I said, sure, yeah,
(28:12):
I want to go outside and pray. I was like,
I was on the verge of crying. So he told
my boyfriend we were going to get outside and pray.
And then my boyfriend was like giving me a look
like what, Like he had no idea what was happening.
So we went outside and prayed to We sat at
this little table and you know, I asked Jesus to
(28:36):
come into my heart. I repented of the things that
I had done, and I had decided to turn away
and I was never going to go back. And because
I had prayed for God to give me a sign,
so when he asked me if I believe in God,
it was undeniable. That was the sign. That's what I've
(28:58):
been looking for Jesus. Jesus hasn't I haven't felt his
presence in a long time. So anyway, that night I
went to our hotel room. My boyfriend came in. I
told him that I couldn't sleep with him anymore. I
couldn't sleep in the bed, like I'm going to sleep
on the couch, and he was. He was super confused.
(29:20):
And the next day I went home, I packed up
my stuff, I put it in storage, and then I
flew to my new friend Chris that that you know,
led me to the Lord. I flew out to be
with his family without him, he was still working on
the film. And so I meet these strangers, his mom,
(29:42):
his dad, his sister. They were so kind to me
and so loving, and they knew what I had done.
And they took me to a pastor who was a
spiritual warfare pastor. I guess that's what he specialized in,
and so met with him a few times. I was
there for like two weeks. I think it was when
(30:05):
I got on the airplane, I sat next to a
woman and she was a counselor to women who have
been abused, and she was sharing so much with me.
I was sharing so much with her. And yeah, and
then on the way back, where I was sitting in
the middle of these two guys, and I looked to
see what books they were reading. They were reading Christian books,
(30:27):
and the woman gave she sent me a purpose driven life,
and I was like there was no denying that God
was in this anyway, I got home, got back to
LA I found my own place to live by myself
for the first time ever. But I went on my website.
(30:49):
I had a chat room on my website where I
could go in and talk about anything. So I've made
a post saying why I left the porn industry and
that they never gonna see me again. And I was
sorry that I took them away from the things that
were so much more important, like their families and their children.
And you know, I never should have became that woman.
(31:12):
And anyway, so my webmaster found out about it and
removed it and kicked me out of my website. And
then he sent me a message and he said, if
you would have wanted to go because you wanted to
start a family or something like that, I would have
take your website down. But not for a fairy tale
like God. It was horrible. They get started to advertising
(31:34):
my website, making vulgar photos of me with Jesus and
just horrible things. Horrible. They refused to take the website down.
Is still going to this day. But you know, he
asked me where I wanted the money to go I said,
I do not want any of the money. And I
(31:55):
was making like twelve thousand a month. I gave up
my income because I felt like God told me to
do that. He told me not to accept any more
money and to trust him and to lean on him,
and he was going to take care of me. And
through that he did take care of me. Money would
(32:17):
come from like nowhere. It would just be suddenly, Oh,
this person wants to donate you a car. You know.
I had to give up. I gave up everything, my car,
my hair stanches, my fake nails, my fake tan. I
gained a few pounds, I couldn't only have one pair
of jeans that even fit me, and even that I
(32:39):
couldn't zip ab up. So my identity was wrapped up
in all of those things. And I had to learn
who I was and what did I like? What were
my hopes and my dreams. And one thing I already
knew is that I wanted to be a wife more
(33:00):
than anything. I wanted to find somebody that loved me,
that somebody I would be with forever, you know, And
I had so many broken relationships I didn't I thought
it was so far out of reach. I would go
to church. On Sundays, I would go to the young
adult's church, and then I would go to another church,
(33:22):
and then I would go to Christian counseling, and then
I would listen to all the podcasts that I could
listen to, Like I feel like I had so much
catching up to do, Like I needed to learn everything,
and I was thirsty for it and I wanted it.
And every time when of these little things happened, I
thought of it as as a miracle, like and like,
(33:44):
like God is actually proving himself over and over and
over again. You can trust me. I am your father.
You don't have to like not trust me, like you
know my own dad. I didn't really trust him. I
didn't know how he was going to be from day
to day. But God proved to be a good father.
(34:07):
After about five years after I got of the industry,
I decided that I needed to take a break from
dating because I met this beautiful girl who was my friend.
She was like a model and she was doing this
fast from dating and I'm like, that's so weird, but
I'm going to do it too. So she was reading
(34:30):
this book and so she gave me the book and
I was like Okay, I'm going to take a three
months from dating. And so I met this other guy
through a mutual friend on Facebook, and so I was
hanging out with his friend a lot, and so on Facebook,
he was posting on a lot of pictures of me
and him hanging out, and this guy from Houston would
(34:57):
post underneath almost everything that this guy said, because this
guy was really funny. But the Houston guy would always
be one of the people to respond and then it
would be me, or it would be me, and then
it would be him, and it would And so I
had just met this guy, like talked on the phone
with him for the first time when I decided to
go on my fast, like I cut off ties with
(35:19):
everybody because the purpose of this fast was to focus
on Jesus, to get into a deeper relationship with him
and to not be distracted by men. But God told
me it was okay that this guy from Houston. I
can talk to him on the phone, but I can't
(35:40):
skype with him. So he was allowed. And so I
told him, God told me that you could. You could
be my friend through this, but there are rules. You
can't tell me I'm pretty. You can't tell me like
I had a whole list of things and it was
so stupid, but those are the rules. I assumed he
(36:05):
was going to tell me those things, but he didn't,
and he kept he kept his word. I went through
the three months. Then God told me to do another
six months. And during this time, this this man is
has sent me a Bible and we're doing Bible studies
over the phone every day. It went for a year,
(36:28):
and then after the after my fast ended, he had
planned to come out to LA and so that's when
we met. We met for the first time. We had
talked for so many hours, and I wanted to hold
his hand, but he pulled away from me, kind of
rejected me. And I was like, oh, I hurt my feelings,
(36:50):
but it's good. That means because I knew that I
knew the guy that I was get married from my fast.
God told me that person was not going to have
sex with me before marriage anyway. You know. After that,
he went home. We continued to our Bible studies and
then I realized I got an email about doing a
(37:10):
speaking engagement and guess what it was in Houston and
guess what else? It was on Valentine's Day. So I
went out there, we hung out. He went to my
speaking engagement, met me there, and then after that we
went to his apartment. He made me some lunch and
then he asked me to be as Valentine, and then
(37:32):
we got married. Let's see if Ivorde March April May.
Three months later we got married, and in two months
I moved to Houston. And now it's been we're going on,
we're going on eight years. So that's my story.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
And you've been listening to Chrissy Outlaw. I just love
that laugh at the end because it shows you can
get through anything and you can overcome it, and she
did it with God's help. Great job on this, as
always to Greg Hangler, the story of Chrissy Outlaw here
on our American Stories
Host
Lee Habeeb
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