The Silent Rules That Keep You Stuck (and the Truth That Sets You Free) - Part 4

OUTWEIGH: Ever feel like you’re following a set of rules no one actually spoke out loud? “Be nice.” “Don’t take up too much space.” “Be grateful, not needy.” In this next episode of our series, Leanne unearths the unspoken ‘contracts’ that many women live by—rules that silently dictate what’s acceptable, lovable, and worthy. You’ll discover how to identify which scripts are holding you back, how your brain internalized them in the first place, and how to rewrite your internal code so it aligns with who you actually want to be.

HOST: Leanne Ellington // StresslessEating.com // @leanneellington

To learn more about re-wiring your brain to heal from the all-or-nothing diet mentality for good....but WITHOUT restricting yourself, punishing your body, (and definitely WITHOUT ever having to use words like macros, low-carb, or calorie burn) check out Leanne's FREE Stressless Eating Webinar @ www.StresslessEating.com

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body. I'll be outwait everything that
I'm made. Don won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning love who I am, I get, I'm strong,
I feel free, I know everybody of me. It's beautiful
and that will always out way if you feel it

(00:24):
with your hands and be here, She'll some love to
the foot. Dare say good day and did you and
die out way?

Speaker 2 (00:35):
Happy Saturday, out wigh. It's leanne here and welcome back
to Part four of our Reclaiming your Worthiness series. And
again we mean even if you don't accept yourself yet,
it is not a prerequisite. That's what we're here to
do is meet you in that. So if you've been
listening along, you know that this isn't your typical self
love series because we're not talking about bubble baths or

(00:58):
just love yourself advice. We are talking about reclaiming your
worthiness even if you don't accept yourself yet. So that
was part one. We unpacked the trap of external validation
and why chasing approval never fills that void. That was
part two, and then last week we explored the emotional
and neurological war that so many women are unknowingly fighting

(01:23):
inside themselves, the war within. And that was Part three.
And so today we're diving into a topic that's been
quietly shaping how you feel about yourself and your body
for years, maybe even decades, or your whole life. And
what I'm talking about are the silent standards that dictate
your worth. And these are the rules that you didn't

(01:45):
even know you were living by, and the measuring sticks
that you never consciously voted on or agreed to, but
have been holding yourself up against your entire life. So
let's get into it by talking about the state you
didn't even know you inherited. Now, most of us don't
wake up one day and say, I think I'm going

(02:05):
to define my worth based on my gene size. It
doesn't work like that, right. Instead, we kind of slowly
absorb it. And so from childhood you're handed a quiet script,
right like good girls don't eat too much, or you
have to work hard to earn your value, or you know,
thin is beautiful, or don't be too loud or too opinionated,

(02:27):
or too emotional or too much. And these messages they
don't always come from cruel people either, right. In fact,
a lot of times it comes from well meaning parents
and teachers and coaches and friends. And sometimes they come
from culture or media or religion, or sometimes they're so
subtle you don't even realize they're shaping how you see yourself.
But over time they form a belief system and a

(02:50):
scorecard that your brain starts keeping track of, and suddenly
your worth becomes conditional, like if I gain weight, then
I'm failing, or if I rest, then I'm lazy, or
if I say no, I'm selfish, or if I speak up,
I'm too much. And so these silent standards don't just
live in your mind. They live in your nervous system,

(03:12):
and they drive your perfectionism and your people pleasing and
your overfunctioning. And they make you feel like rest has
to be earned, like food has to be justified, or
like joy has to be deserved. But this is just
because your brain is trying to protect you, right, Because
here's the thing. Your brain isn't doing this because it's broken.

(03:35):
It's doing it because it's wired for survival. And one
of the biggest survival needs that your brain has is belonging.
So if the world around you told you, you know,
even indirectly, if you don't meet those standards you won't belong.
Your brain made it its mission to meet them, and
so even if that cost you your peace, or even

(03:58):
if it pulled you away from your authentic self, or
even if it made you hate your body, your fear, food,
or silence your inner voice, because it will always choose
survival over authenticity until you realize that it's actually safe.
And I would even vote to say safer, to flip
that script, because there is a cost of living by

(04:21):
those silent standards. And here's what I've seen over and
over again, both in my own life and in the
lives of the thousands of women I've worked with, that
when you live by someone else's rules, you abandon yourself
in the process, and you become a version of yourself
that's always performing or perfecting or proving, and you start
chasing goals that were never yours to begin with, and

(04:44):
you spend so much time trying to meet the standards
that you forget to even ask yourself like do I
even want this? Or is this actually who I am?
And what's worse, you feel guilty for even asking those questions, right,
because that's what these silent standards do, and they don't
just steal your joy. They convince you that joy is

(05:06):
something that you have to earn. And so let's talk
about the antidote to this, okay, And it's making your
own rules and creating new standards based on what you
actually value. And so this isn't about rebelling or rejecting society,
although there's nothing wrong with that, right. It's about coming
home to yourself and it's about realizing that your worth

(05:29):
isn't up for negotiation and it never was. And it's
about noticing the voice in your head that says like,
you can't eat that, or you shouldn't wear that, or
you have to make up for that, and asking like,
whose voice is that really? Is that actually my belief
or is that one that I inherited? And does this
standard serve me or does it keep me stuck in

(05:51):
fear and shame? And so here's a few journal prompts
or reflection questions that can help you start rewriting the story, okay,
and just literally asking yourself, what silent standards have I
been living by that I never consciously agreed to and
you know, maybe acknowledging where did I learn these standards?
Who gave them to me? And then what would it

(06:12):
feel like to actually create my own definition of enoughness?
Because again, if we're living by other people's standards, it's
never going to be enough, right. But also, like if
my worth was already guaranteed, like I didn't have to
earn it, I didn't have to work for it, didn't
have to hustle for it, and it wasn't up for negotiation,
like what would I do differently today? Or more importantly,

(06:34):
who would I be being today? Right? How would I
show up differently? And so let these questions crack something
open in you and let them invite you into a
new possibility, because healing starts with awareness and I know
you're probably seeing the pattern here. Awareness is everything, but
it's also not the sexy thing typically, right, But you

(06:55):
can't change a rule that you don't know that you're following.
So what does self love and worthiness have to do
with all of this? Well, again, self love isn't about
becoming someone else who finally meets all the standards. It's
about realizing that you never had to meet them to
begin with. And it's about recognizing the rules that you've
been living by and choosing which ones to actually keep,

(07:18):
and then choosing like, hey, I can let some of
them go, like in choosing which ones that you want
to let go. And it's about giving yourself permission to
build a life that feels good on the inside, even
if it doesn't look air quotes perfect on the outside.
And really it's about trading the war within for a
new kind of worthiness, one that is finally rooted in

(07:41):
truth and reality, not drama or trauma. And once you
stop playing by the old rules, that's when you free
up your brain and your body to experience actual peace,
because that's what we all want, is just peace right,
peace in our head, peace in our heart, piece with food,
peace with our body. And so if no one has
ever told you this, let me be the first person

(08:03):
to tell you this. Then you are allowed to opt
out and not play this game. Like you're allowed to
not care about weight loss, and you're allowed to wear
clothes that you love, and you're allowed to rest without
feeling guilty, and you're allowed to be full and get
filled up emotionally, physically, spiritually, and you're allowed to live

(08:27):
from a place of internal permission instead of external pressure,
like giving yourself permission slips rather than feeling pressured by
what you think is supposed to be going on, right,
And that doesn't mean that you won't ever have goals.
Like when I say you're allowed to opt out, it
doesn't mean you're not allowed to have goals. It just
means that your goals won't be rooted in self rejection anymore.

(08:48):
And so wherever this message finds you today, if you've
been exhausted from trying to meet impossible standards or felt
broken for not being able to you know, air quotes,
keep it together. And if you've been measuring your own
worth on a scale or in a mirror or through
someone else's opinion, just know like you are not broken
because of that right, But you also don't have to

(09:09):
keep playing by rules that were never made for your
well being in mind. And you get to decide and
you get to go rewrite it, because that's how freedom
begins when you take ownership of Hey, I don't have
to live with this anymore, and I can go rewrite
the narrative. So that is it for today, outweigh And
if you want to learn more about how I teach

(09:31):
my clients to turn off the part of their brain
that's obsessed with food, obsessed with their weight and go
rewire their own self image and body image and brain
and nervous system for peace and freedom. Then head on
over to Stressless Eating dot Com where I've literally peeled
back the curtain and walked you through the exact strategy.
I teach my own clients to heal themselves from that

(09:53):
all or nothing diet mentality but also the self rejection
mentality for good without restricting themselves or punishing their bodies.
So head on over to Stressless Eating dot Com to
check that out, and we will be back for part
five next week. Bye.