December 9, 2025 • 25 mins
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome back to you. I'll work of her podcast. I
am your host, JENNAA Lopez. Thank you guys so much
for choosing to listen and watch to today's episode. If
you guys clicked on today's episode, you know what today is.
It is my mother's thirteen year anniversary of her pasting.
I am pre recording this because your girl is busy
(00:26):
and has things to do. But these are what my
emotions have been throughout this year. Why do I get
emotional and like the chools right away when I talk
about this, and like, what today's episode is about is
about being grief being a little bit different this year.
Because if you've been a fan or you have been
(00:49):
part of the podcast group or have seen and listen
to the episodes for years now, you guys know that
I do this episode every year. This is about the
fourth one. I think, if not, I'm if I'm not mistaken.
But last year I did do an episode and you
guys can rewatch it. But it was an episode where
(01:14):
I was drinking and it was almost on the same
day whatever. This that's the point is is that it's
a you're an annual episode. Last year I did drink
and I do want to acknowledge that also, if you
guys have been a part of the podcast family for
a while, that I did realize a lot that I
(01:36):
was drinking a lot, and I didn't like recognize that
for a long time because I used it as something
that to help me cope, which wasn't healthy. I had
to learn that I couldn't just use alcohol and we
(01:57):
need to really cope with my emotions and just use
it as an excuse to just to help my anxiety.
And because I'm sitting here or talking to other people,
like I get very anxious and nervous, and imposter syndrome
comes in and I feel like I don't belong or
I don't need, like I shouldn't be doing this. So
I start drinking and it makes me nervous. Not that
(02:20):
I have a problem drinking or anything, because I know
my limits, but I don't want to turn to alcohol
for that reason. But anyways, if you guys watched last
year's episode, you guys know that it was a very
emotional one, a tender one. I cried through the whole episode,
had a drink, and honestly it was kind of a mess. Yeah,
(02:44):
but I'm not ashamed of it. Because I know that
now where I'm not here sitting here like, I know
that there's growth, and I know acknowledge. You know, that
version of me was grieving differently, and this version of
me is grieving different too, and it feels different, it
feels healthier, it feels better. And last year I pressed
(03:14):
the record button while crying. I had a group of
my friends inside a room and we would just you know,
talked and cried. And I also was in an emotional
state where it just wasn't healthy. I was in a
relationship that I probably shouldn't have been in. So I
also felt very like alone or like in a relationship
(03:37):
that with someone that didn't really understand my grief. And
I think that bothered me too, so it led me
to drinking. I don't know, but anyways, I felt like
I didn't really know how to talk about my mom
without falling apart, or I felt guilty for still hurting
(03:59):
so long after. Because now it's thirteen years and last
year was twelve, I coped with things differently. Last year
I thought would numb the pain drinking, isolating, smoking weed.
The last three years, the last three months of the
last of last year of twenty twenty four was very
like eye opening, and I'm so proud of where I'm
(04:23):
at right now. Obviously I still miss her, but I'm
not really drowning in it anymore. The waves come here
and there, but I really learned to sit with my
emotions instead of trying to escape them, and I'm not
really I'm not ashamed of my healing or my growth
because I know that I meant to go through these
(04:43):
things so that I'm it's part of my testimony, it's
part of what I'm supposed to be talking about and
supposed to be healing, and as long as I show
up for myself, I think that's what matters. And I
feel like my grief was running a lot of my life,
my idea entity, and I think that this year, I'm
(05:03):
really taking control of it. And I've had people in
my life that have had people pass away, and it
made me realize even more now that grief doesn't look
like grief doesn't need to look like anyone else's or
anybody else's journey. I've said it before that it's not linear,
(05:28):
it's not a straight path. It goes this way that way.
People do it, cope differently, heal differently, and it's not
a competition either of who's better. And I do not
want to make it sound like that I have it
all together, that I have figured it out. I'm just
saying that this year feels very different than the last
year's and it has taken forever to get here. It
(05:52):
has taken forever to actually realize, like, wow, I'm not
letting this pain control me anymore. I'm not letting it
like drown me or like define my day because I
feel like when it's that day, when it's December ninth,
like I have to automatically go into sadness. Because what
(06:13):
happens is that people are like, are you even sad
that your mom died? Like, wow, she's not really happy,
Like she's not really she's not really sad like like no.
Grief is handled differently in different ways, in different perspectives,
and you cannot be one to judge unless you have
been in my position, and you have to learn to
(06:36):
live with loss, like you have to learn. I'm a
person that is that has a hard time with change.
And when my mom passed away, that was like a
shock to me, was shocked to my body or the
shock to my life, and it was very surprising and
it and it really changes the person that you are.
(06:58):
But your version may not look like mine. Maybe you
still cry every day, maybe you're still numb. Maybe you
avoid it, or maybe you laugh about laugh about it,
and then you feel guilty after you laugh about, like
your memories, or you're where you are in your life
right now and you feel guilty about living and being happy,
or maybe it's just slower for you, or maybe it's
(07:19):
faster for you. You'll be like Jennka, you're talking about
it again. Yes, you, guys, my journey is very different.
There's no right or wrong. It's just about honesty and vulnerability.
And I've learned that in managing my emotions. I stopped
expecting myself to get over it because I realized I
(07:42):
wasn't really over it. Is it something that you graduate from.
It's something that you grow around and you accustomed to it.
Like anxiety, grief is like that. I let myself feel
without judging the feelings, without being so hard on myself,
(08:03):
like hey, like snap out of it, Like no, you
have to sit with yourself and be okay with it
and know that if I'm sad, I'm sad. If I'm
not okay, I'm not okay. If I am okay, I'm
okay and not feel guilty about it. This year I
found a lot of healthier outlets, going to church frequently,
(08:26):
serving and my purpose. I've journaled, I've worked out more,
I've showed up for myself. I actually talk to friends.
I don't just sit there and wallow in my That
was like a grid stick, I said, I was gonna
say wallowing myself pity anyway. And sometimes I just sit
(08:50):
in silence and I just breathe and I cry if
I have to. And I've learned to really talk to
God and really allow him to soften my heart and
bring peace. Because when you experience laws, but you get
(09:14):
really really angry with God and you blame, we always
wanna find somebody to blame other than the fact that
it's just life, the fact that there's free will, and
there's also the forces of nature and not it's not
like that God can't stop it. But it's also understanding
(09:40):
He allowed me to go through this, He allowed me
to experience this because this is gonna be a part
of my story. This is gonna be a part of
who I'm gonna be and lead people and grief with him,
and you find healing for them and healing for myself,
(10:00):
and really showing up for myself this year and cutting
out a lot of friendships that would lead me to
like this type of sadness or darkness again has bettered
me and really showing up for me. I'm putting myself
(10:20):
first because I'm such a people person, people pleaser that
I knew and I know that I'm such a people
pleaser that I would sacrifice anything just to keep people
(10:40):
around because of the loss that I experienced, and I
was so scared of losing people. But I also acknowledge
and recognize that a lot of people are meant to
be in your life or to be a part of
every single journey, and sometimes grief is meant to be
experienced alone and in your own healing and in your
own way and process, so that way you don't compare
(11:02):
it to everybody else, as like these days come by
December ninth, or any anniversary or any situation where I
find myself sad. I also remind myself that Jesus cried
and grieved too. He had a friend in the Bible
who was his brother Lazarus. If you guys know Lazarus
(11:25):
died and then Jesus brought him back to life. Jesus
grieved him and was sad knowing that he was going
to bring him back to life. That's crazy to me.
And it's not because that Jesus lacked faith or whatever.
Jesus wept. He that one short line in the Bible.
Jesus wept, But it's because he lost something that he
(11:47):
loved so much that it hurt him. And along with
all the boundaries and emotions that Jesus had and responsibility
let's say that he had to do, he stepped away
to be alone. And when the time came, after all
the grief and managing his emotions like we have to,
(12:09):
he was brought back to life. And it changes. It
changed the history of the Bible and the story of
our lives in general, just to see how powerful God
can be. And I apply that same story to my life, like, yeah,
like I lost somebody, but look at the life that
I gained. Look at how beautiful. Like even when I
(12:34):
didn't think that I was gonna make it, because I
generally thought that I wasn't going to guys, like I
really thought that like this is the end for me,
Like I cannot. I cannot put myself to succeed any longer.
I can't force my like no, And then I look
back and I'm like right now, but I'm sitting here
(12:54):
right now. I am so grateful for every single part
of my testimony, for every single part of my grief
that I have experienced, because all that led up to this,
all that led up to me feeling proud of myself.
I had never felt proud of myself until I turned
twenty eight. I'm so proud of where I am with
the life that I've created. And I'm not saying that
(13:16):
it's the best life or that I'm better than anybody else,
but I have learned to live a life that honors
my heart, my emotions, and still honors my mom. And
I'm just happy that I have a God, or that
(13:37):
I look up to God and just to see like okay,
like I can do hard things although I didn't really
sign up for this, like okay, And I always say
it like okay, like let this be it, Like God,
if you put me through anything else, like if I
were to lose anybody else, that's it, Like God, God
(13:58):
hears me, he knows me, he hears my heart, and
he hears my request or my desire, so he better
not me talking to a camera like it's God. No.
But there's no shame in separating yourself or having those
boundaries or needing that a load time for yourself, because
she just did it too. And this year I've chosen
(14:21):
to honor my mom in different ways. I started the
podcast with honoring my mom because that was the day
that I started filming this new season, and I feel
better that I could talk about her without falling apart.
If you notice that the parts that I'm like getting
emotional about are more about like my growth and about
(14:43):
where I'm at and how far God has brought me
versus her, and how much I miss her and how
much my life would be better with her here. No,
I'm I'm I let myself smile at who she was
and not just grief or cry about her being gone.
(15:06):
I'm doing things that I know that she would be
proud of, and maybe I'm doing things that she wouldn't
be proud of. But you know what, and this may
sound so harsh, but my Mom's not here anymore, and
I cannot carry that weight of trying to make her
proud or to live up to the standard that she
had for me. I let myself be proud of how
(15:31):
far I've come without her, and I've kept that mentality
and all the days that I do miss her or
I think about her, or on anniversaries, it could be
cooking her favorite meal, or playing her playlist or wearing
something of hers. I have some things of hers that
you know that just bring me a little bit closer.
(15:55):
And I still give myself that permission to feel and
to miss her because I'm always gonna miss her. I'm
always gonna miss my mom, and I want this. And
if there's anything that you guys could take away from
this episode, and this is for anybody that's grieving or
(16:17):
you have friends that are grieving, be patient with them,
have space for them, make space for them. Don't make
it a big deal. If anything, there's that I have
experience is that I just hated when I had petty
parties or that people felt bad for me one because
(16:38):
my mom is dead, and then two because it's public.
So it does get a little bit like overwhelming. So
make space for them, but don't be overwhelming. If you
are that friend that hasn't experienced grief again, just check
(17:01):
in on your people without doing too much. Do not
you know, just open that door. Just be like, hey,
I'm here for you if anything, and that's it. And
if they feel comfortable enough to share with you or
they like, hey, come over, I need a hug today,
allow that space for them, and just a subtle reminder
(17:24):
to be kind to everybody. Not everyone is in the
same space or in the same journey as you, and
everybody's grief looks different, so just be kind, whether it's
been years or not. I do feel like that pain
is always going to linger. So you guys, I know
people are like have commented like, hey, like okay, get
(17:47):
over it. We're still talking about this. And along with that,
like I do want to say for myself, I do
think that this is going to be the last annual episode.
Or maybe I'm speaking too soon, but as of right
now where I'm feeling, I feel like I've made my
(18:08):
mom and my grief my identity for so long, and
because I'm not in that space anymore, I want to
make space to talk about other things, about the growth
and that the healing that I have found in these situations,
and also really stop talking about it because I feel
(18:29):
like talking about it makes me more sad or reminds
me of the pain, and it's like, no, Like, I've
worked so hard to find this healing to grow from it,
that I don't need to be reminded or force myself
to be in these situations because people are expecting me
to be Laposita or you know. And I think that
(18:51):
applies in my situation because of who my mom is,
and because of because that it's so public and it's
a reminder all the time, and she has this legacy,
she's an artist that people expect me like, oh, they're
probably having a hard time. And I appreciate the comments
(19:13):
and I love it. But then there's also the people
that like are like ill, like she's really happy today,
isn't she supposed to be sad or like you know?
So I kind of want to step away from that
and make space for future things because this isn't my
story anymore. This isn't who I am. It's not although
(19:35):
it was a huge part of my story for a
long time. I've just recognized that I need to step away.
And I know that this sounds bad and people may
take this out of context, but I'm kinda tired. I'm
kind of tired of talking about it, of making it
(19:59):
so much about that. But this is where I'm at
in my grief, and I'm not saying that I'm tired
of talking about my mom. I'm forever going to love
my mom and have the memories that I had with her,
and I will always speak on the woman that she
is and respect her. But I'm talking about the grief aspect,
like I'm just tired of talking about it. I'm tired
of people seeing me and then seeing the grief girl.
(20:25):
And I don't want that. With that being said, for
anybody grieving or feeling the same way that I have
been for years. You are allowed to grow, you are
allowed to heal, You're allowed to smile again, and you're
allowed to still break down sometimes, and that's okay. Grief
(20:47):
doesn't mean you stop living. It means you carry the
love in a different way, in a different form, and
you live with it, you move on with it it.
Don't let that sadness or that grief stop you from
living out the full purpose that you have designed for
your life. And if there's anything that I can leave
(21:10):
you guys with, is a sweet little Bible verse, the
bio verse of the day is Psalm thirty four eighteen.
The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves
those who are crushed in spirit. And I've really kept
this Bible verse close to me or I've read it
thousands of times, and it's just so beautiful to know
(21:36):
that because Jesus went through the same thing that we
have all gone through, or some of us having something
to compare and to realize, like wow, it's just powerful
to know that there's somebody out there that loves you
enough to one die for you and to hold you
so close to your heart that God takes all that
(21:59):
pain and all that hurting with him and replaces it
with peace and love. And those that are hurting over
and over and over again, just run to Jesus, run
to his heart, run to who he is, and just
ask him. God, comfort me and this grief. God, bring
me the peace that I need, give me the answers
(22:20):
that I'm asking for. God, in your way, let me
not step out of my will. I mean, let me
not step out of your will, but keep me focused
on your purpose and your plan for my life. And
just holding the word, holding that Bible very specifically close
(22:41):
to your heart and as a reminder that God is
always there and every single emotion and every single journey,
he is there, and he's close to the broken hearted
and the people that are hurting, and especially the widows,
the orphans, just you in general. But yeah, thank you
(23:03):
guys so much for letting me share this part of
my journey with you. Guys. Maybe this is the last
time we talk about it. Maybe this is the last
time we talk about the green. Maybe I don't know
when it's fifteen years where we visit the situation and
see where we're at. But I have a life to live.
(23:23):
I have beautiful things coming my way. And although you
guys probably love hearing me talk about grief and how
I've grown and learned, I do think that it's time
to step away and step into a new chapter and
in a new season. And whether this is your first
year grieving or your thirteenth year, I hope you know
(23:46):
that you are not alone. Life is meant to keep
going and keep pushing, and whatever grief looks like for you,
I pray that you find grace for yourself and if
you have anybody that is experiencing grief, that you have
(24:08):
grace for them and open that space for them, to
be with them and to hug them, and although that
this might be the last time that I talk about it,
I'm always going to care and love for my mother
and who she was in my life and forever be
grateful because honestly, that is where the journey of this
(24:32):
podcast started. So yeah, with that being said, make sure
you guys like comment, subscribe to this episode to the
channel to wherever you guys are watching. Make sure you
guys spread it all love and I will see you
guys next Tuesday. Thanks
Welcome back to you. I'll work of her podcast. I
am your host, JENNAA Lopez. Thank you guys so much
for choosing to listen and watch to today's episode. If
you guys clicked on today's episode, you know what today is.
It is my mother's thirteen year anniversary of her pasting.
I am pre recording this because your girl is busy
(00:26):
and has things to do. But these are what my
emotions have been throughout this year. Why do I get
emotional and like the chools right away when I talk
about this, and like, what today's episode is about is
about being grief being a little bit different this year.
Because if you've been a fan or you have been
(00:49):
part of the podcast group or have seen and listen
to the episodes for years now, you guys know that
I do this episode every year. This is about the
fourth one. I think, if not, I'm if I'm not mistaken.
But last year I did do an episode and you
guys can rewatch it. But it was an episode where
(01:14):
I was drinking and it was almost on the same
day whatever. This that's the point is is that it's
a you're an annual episode. Last year I did drink
and I do want to acknowledge that also, if you
guys have been a part of the podcast family for
a while, that I did realize a lot that I
(01:36):
was drinking a lot, and I didn't like recognize that
for a long time because I used it as something
that to help me cope, which wasn't healthy. I had
to learn that I couldn't just use alcohol and we
(01:57):
need to really cope with my emotions and just use
it as an excuse to just to help my anxiety.
And because I'm sitting here or talking to other people,
like I get very anxious and nervous, and imposter syndrome
comes in and I feel like I don't belong or
I don't need, like I shouldn't be doing this. So
I start drinking and it makes me nervous. Not that
(02:20):
I have a problem drinking or anything, because I know
my limits, but I don't want to turn to alcohol
for that reason. But anyways, if you guys watched last
year's episode, you guys know that it was a very
emotional one, a tender one. I cried through the whole episode,
had a drink, and honestly it was kind of a mess. Yeah,
(02:44):
but I'm not ashamed of it. Because I know that
now where I'm not here sitting here like, I know
that there's growth, and I know acknowledge. You know, that
version of me was grieving differently, and this version of
me is grieving different too, and it feels different, it
feels healthier, it feels better. And last year I pressed
(03:14):
the record button while crying. I had a group of
my friends inside a room and we would just you know,
talked and cried. And I also was in an emotional
state where it just wasn't healthy. I was in a
relationship that I probably shouldn't have been in. So I
also felt very like alone or like in a relationship
(03:37):
that with someone that didn't really understand my grief. And
I think that bothered me too, so it led me
to drinking. I don't know, but anyways, I felt like
I didn't really know how to talk about my mom
without falling apart, or I felt guilty for still hurting
(03:59):
so long after. Because now it's thirteen years and last
year was twelve, I coped with things differently. Last year
I thought would numb the pain drinking, isolating, smoking weed.
The last three years, the last three months of the
last of last year of twenty twenty four was very
like eye opening, and I'm so proud of where I'm
(04:23):
at right now. Obviously I still miss her, but I'm
not really drowning in it anymore. The waves come here
and there, but I really learned to sit with my
emotions instead of trying to escape them, and I'm not
really I'm not ashamed of my healing or my growth
because I know that I meant to go through these
(04:43):
things so that I'm it's part of my testimony, it's
part of what I'm supposed to be talking about and
supposed to be healing, and as long as I show
up for myself, I think that's what matters. And I
feel like my grief was running a lot of my life,
my idea entity, and I think that this year, I'm
(05:03):
really taking control of it. And I've had people in
my life that have had people pass away, and it
made me realize even more now that grief doesn't look
like grief doesn't need to look like anyone else's or
anybody else's journey. I've said it before that it's not linear,
(05:28):
it's not a straight path. It goes this way that way.
People do it, cope differently, heal differently, and it's not
a competition either of who's better. And I do not
want to make it sound like that I have it
all together, that I have figured it out. I'm just
saying that this year feels very different than the last
year's and it has taken forever to get here. It
(05:52):
has taken forever to actually realize, like, wow, I'm not
letting this pain control me anymore. I'm not letting it
like drown me or like define my day because I
feel like when it's that day, when it's December ninth,
like I have to automatically go into sadness. Because what
(06:13):
happens is that people are like, are you even sad
that your mom died? Like, wow, she's not really happy,
Like she's not really she's not really sad like like no.
Grief is handled differently in different ways, in different perspectives,
and you cannot be one to judge unless you have
been in my position, and you have to learn to
(06:36):
live with loss, like you have to learn. I'm a
person that is that has a hard time with change.
And when my mom passed away, that was like a
shock to me, was shocked to my body or the
shock to my life, and it was very surprising and
it and it really changes the person that you are.
(06:58):
But your version may not look like mine. Maybe you
still cry every day, maybe you're still numb. Maybe you
avoid it, or maybe you laugh about laugh about it,
and then you feel guilty after you laugh about, like
your memories, or you're where you are in your life
right now and you feel guilty about living and being happy,
or maybe it's just slower for you, or maybe it's
(07:19):
faster for you. You'll be like Jennka, you're talking about
it again. Yes, you, guys, my journey is very different.
There's no right or wrong. It's just about honesty and vulnerability.
And I've learned that in managing my emotions. I stopped
expecting myself to get over it because I realized I
(07:42):
wasn't really over it. Is it something that you graduate from.
It's something that you grow around and you accustomed to it.
Like anxiety, grief is like that. I let myself feel
without judging the feelings, without being so hard on myself,
(08:03):
like hey, like snap out of it, Like no, you
have to sit with yourself and be okay with it
and know that if I'm sad, I'm sad. If I'm
not okay, I'm not okay. If I am okay, I'm
okay and not feel guilty about it. This year I
found a lot of healthier outlets, going to church frequently,
(08:26):
serving and my purpose. I've journaled, I've worked out more,
I've showed up for myself. I actually talk to friends.
I don't just sit there and wallow in my That
was like a grid stick, I said, I was gonna
say wallowing myself pity anyway. And sometimes I just sit
(08:50):
in silence and I just breathe and I cry if
I have to. And I've learned to really talk to
God and really allow him to soften my heart and
bring peace. Because when you experience laws, but you get
(09:14):
really really angry with God and you blame, we always
wanna find somebody to blame other than the fact that
it's just life, the fact that there's free will, and
there's also the forces of nature and not it's not
like that God can't stop it. But it's also understanding
(09:40):
He allowed me to go through this, He allowed me
to experience this because this is gonna be a part
of my story. This is gonna be a part of
who I'm gonna be and lead people and grief with him,
and you find healing for them and healing for myself,
(10:00):
and really showing up for myself this year and cutting
out a lot of friendships that would lead me to
like this type of sadness or darkness again has bettered
me and really showing up for me. I'm putting myself
(10:20):
first because I'm such a people person, people pleaser that
I knew and I know that I'm such a people
pleaser that I would sacrifice anything just to keep people
(10:40):
around because of the loss that I experienced, and I
was so scared of losing people. But I also acknowledge
and recognize that a lot of people are meant to
be in your life or to be a part of
every single journey, and sometimes grief is meant to be
experienced alone and in your own healing and in your
own way and process, so that way you don't compare
(11:02):
it to everybody else, as like these days come by
December ninth, or any anniversary or any situation where I
find myself sad. I also remind myself that Jesus cried
and grieved too. He had a friend in the Bible
who was his brother Lazarus. If you guys know Lazarus
(11:25):
died and then Jesus brought him back to life. Jesus
grieved him and was sad knowing that he was going
to bring him back to life. That's crazy to me.
And it's not because that Jesus lacked faith or whatever.
Jesus wept. He that one short line in the Bible.
Jesus wept, But it's because he lost something that he
(11:47):
loved so much that it hurt him. And along with
all the boundaries and emotions that Jesus had and responsibility
let's say that he had to do, he stepped away
to be alone. And when the time came, after all
the grief and managing his emotions like we have to,
(12:09):
he was brought back to life. And it changes. It
changed the history of the Bible and the story of
our lives in general, just to see how powerful God
can be. And I apply that same story to my life, like, yeah,
like I lost somebody, but look at the life that
I gained. Look at how beautiful. Like even when I
(12:34):
didn't think that I was gonna make it, because I
generally thought that I wasn't going to guys, like I
really thought that like this is the end for me,
Like I cannot. I cannot put myself to succeed any longer.
I can't force my like no, And then I look
back and I'm like right now, but I'm sitting here
(12:54):
right now. I am so grateful for every single part
of my testimony, for every single part of my grief
that I have experienced, because all that led up to this,
all that led up to me feeling proud of myself.
I had never felt proud of myself until I turned
twenty eight. I'm so proud of where I am with
the life that I've created. And I'm not saying that
(13:16):
it's the best life or that I'm better than anybody else,
but I have learned to live a life that honors
my heart, my emotions, and still honors my mom. And
I'm just happy that I have a God, or that
(13:37):
I look up to God and just to see like okay,
like I can do hard things although I didn't really
sign up for this, like okay, And I always say
it like okay, like let this be it, Like God,
if you put me through anything else, like if I
were to lose anybody else, that's it, Like God, God
(13:58):
hears me, he knows me, he hears my heart, and
he hears my request or my desire, so he better
not me talking to a camera like it's God. No.
But there's no shame in separating yourself or having those
boundaries or needing that a load time for yourself, because
she just did it too. And this year I've chosen
(14:21):
to honor my mom in different ways. I started the
podcast with honoring my mom because that was the day
that I started filming this new season, and I feel
better that I could talk about her without falling apart.
If you notice that the parts that I'm like getting
emotional about are more about like my growth and about
(14:43):
where I'm at and how far God has brought me
versus her, and how much I miss her and how
much my life would be better with her here. No,
I'm I'm I let myself smile at who she was
and not just grief or cry about her being gone.
(15:06):
I'm doing things that I know that she would be
proud of, and maybe I'm doing things that she wouldn't
be proud of. But you know what, and this may
sound so harsh, but my Mom's not here anymore, and
I cannot carry that weight of trying to make her
proud or to live up to the standard that she
had for me. I let myself be proud of how
(15:31):
far I've come without her, and I've kept that mentality
and all the days that I do miss her or
I think about her, or on anniversaries, it could be
cooking her favorite meal, or playing her playlist or wearing
something of hers. I have some things of hers that
you know that just bring me a little bit closer.
(15:55):
And I still give myself that permission to feel and
to miss her because I'm always gonna miss her. I'm
always gonna miss my mom, and I want this. And
if there's anything that you guys could take away from
this episode, and this is for anybody that's grieving or
(16:17):
you have friends that are grieving, be patient with them,
have space for them, make space for them. Don't make
it a big deal. If anything, there's that I have
experience is that I just hated when I had petty
parties or that people felt bad for me one because
(16:38):
my mom is dead, and then two because it's public.
So it does get a little bit like overwhelming. So
make space for them, but don't be overwhelming. If you
are that friend that hasn't experienced grief again, just check
(17:01):
in on your people without doing too much. Do not
you know, just open that door. Just be like, hey,
I'm here for you if anything, and that's it. And
if they feel comfortable enough to share with you or
they like, hey, come over, I need a hug today,
allow that space for them, and just a subtle reminder
(17:24):
to be kind to everybody. Not everyone is in the
same space or in the same journey as you, and
everybody's grief looks different, so just be kind, whether it's
been years or not. I do feel like that pain
is always going to linger. So you guys, I know
people are like have commented like, hey, like okay, get
(17:47):
over it. We're still talking about this. And along with that,
like I do want to say for myself, I do
think that this is going to be the last annual episode.
Or maybe I'm speaking too soon, but as of right
now where I'm feeling, I feel like I've made my
(18:08):
mom and my grief my identity for so long, and
because I'm not in that space anymore, I want to
make space to talk about other things, about the growth
and that the healing that I have found in these situations,
and also really stop talking about it because I feel
(18:29):
like talking about it makes me more sad or reminds
me of the pain, and it's like, no, Like, I've
worked so hard to find this healing to grow from it,
that I don't need to be reminded or force myself
to be in these situations because people are expecting me
to be Laposita or you know. And I think that
(18:51):
applies in my situation because of who my mom is,
and because of because that it's so public and it's
a reminder all the time, and she has this legacy,
she's an artist that people expect me like, oh, they're
probably having a hard time. And I appreciate the comments
(19:13):
and I love it. But then there's also the people
that like are like ill, like she's really happy today,
isn't she supposed to be sad or like you know?
So I kind of want to step away from that
and make space for future things because this isn't my
story anymore. This isn't who I am. It's not although
(19:35):
it was a huge part of my story for a
long time. I've just recognized that I need to step away.
And I know that this sounds bad and people may
take this out of context, but I'm kinda tired. I'm
kind of tired of talking about it, of making it
(19:59):
so much about that. But this is where I'm at
in my grief, and I'm not saying that I'm tired
of talking about my mom. I'm forever going to love
my mom and have the memories that I had with her,
and I will always speak on the woman that she
is and respect her. But I'm talking about the grief aspect,
like I'm just tired of talking about it. I'm tired
of people seeing me and then seeing the grief girl.
(20:25):
And I don't want that. With that being said, for
anybody grieving or feeling the same way that I have
been for years. You are allowed to grow, you are
allowed to heal, You're allowed to smile again, and you're
allowed to still break down sometimes, and that's okay. Grief
(20:47):
doesn't mean you stop living. It means you carry the
love in a different way, in a different form, and
you live with it, you move on with it it.
Don't let that sadness or that grief stop you from
living out the full purpose that you have designed for
your life. And if there's anything that I can leave
(21:10):
you guys with, is a sweet little Bible verse, the
bio verse of the day is Psalm thirty four eighteen.
The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves
those who are crushed in spirit. And I've really kept
this Bible verse close to me or I've read it
thousands of times, and it's just so beautiful to know
(21:36):
that because Jesus went through the same thing that we
have all gone through, or some of us having something
to compare and to realize, like wow, it's just powerful
to know that there's somebody out there that loves you
enough to one die for you and to hold you
so close to your heart that God takes all that
(21:59):
pain and all that hurting with him and replaces it
with peace and love. And those that are hurting over
and over and over again, just run to Jesus, run
to his heart, run to who he is, and just
ask him. God, comfort me and this grief. God, bring
me the peace that I need, give me the answers
(22:20):
that I'm asking for. God, in your way, let me
not step out of my will. I mean, let me
not step out of your will, but keep me focused
on your purpose and your plan for my life. And
just holding the word, holding that Bible very specifically close
(22:41):
to your heart and as a reminder that God is
always there and every single emotion and every single journey,
he is there, and he's close to the broken hearted
and the people that are hurting, and especially the widows,
the orphans, just you in general. But yeah, thank you
(23:03):
guys so much for letting me share this part of
my journey with you. Guys. Maybe this is the last
time we talk about it. Maybe this is the last
time we talk about the green. Maybe I don't know
when it's fifteen years where we visit the situation and
see where we're at. But I have a life to live.
(23:23):
I have beautiful things coming my way. And although you
guys probably love hearing me talk about grief and how
I've grown and learned, I do think that it's time
to step away and step into a new chapter and
in a new season. And whether this is your first
year grieving or your thirteenth year, I hope you know
(23:46):
that you are not alone. Life is meant to keep
going and keep pushing, and whatever grief looks like for you,
I pray that you find grace for yourself and if
you have anybody that is experiencing grief, that you have
(24:08):
grace for them and open that space for them, to
be with them and to hug them, and although that
this might be the last time that I talk about it,
I'm always going to care and love for my mother
and who she was in my life and forever be
grateful because honestly, that is where the journey of this
(24:32):
podcast started. So yeah, with that being said, make sure
you guys like comment, subscribe to this episode to the
channel to wherever you guys are watching. Make sure you
guys spread it all love and I will see you
guys next Tuesday. Thanks
Host
Jenicka Lopez
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