The Interior Chamber

Scorned gods, archetypes, and the other puppets within. The hags started meditating again with mantras paid for in cold hard cash and figs. Jacqueline wants to give herself over to a series of alarms. Kate experiences phantom PMS and rageful micro-productivity. The Shangri-la Diet. Can you go to a thrift or vintage shop with friend? Micro-traumas. Can peace and safety be found inside oneself?

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, I'm Kate Berlin. I'm Jacqueline Novak. And this is poog,
an ongoing conversation about wellness between two obsessive friends, two
untamable intellects. This is our hobby, this is our hell,
This is our naked desire for free products. This is fog.
Today's topics loosely speaking, interior chamber, thrift, ing, forgotten fries. Hey, hey, welcome,

(00:23):
good morning. I guess it's not quite morning poog because
it is just shy of ten am. But that's still
last morning poog. I think was am. You were like, no,
it's still so so it's you know, it's funny. This
is another morning poog, and yet I don't know. We
both are just more awake at this point. By this point,
because I have meditated. Sorry to say, okay, I'm meditated

(00:47):
this morning. Get used to it. I meditated, so that
it is wild that we, having not spoken, there was
no common desire to begin meditation. We both independently started
meditating again. This a sweet because again it's always about
returning to meditation, right whenever. Yes, I was like I'm scared,

(01:07):
I can't know, and then I was like, Kate, five
minutes right, you don't have to plunge immediately into the
twenty minute chamber, like and so being able to bite
that off ago twenty minutes or five minutes, I was
able to do it. And I did that two days
in a row. Skipped yesterday, of course, and I haven't today.
So I'm back in hell and my dren. I just
realized you said twenty minute chamber. You said twenty minute chamber,

(01:28):
and I was like again. Immediately, I was like, oh
my god, twenty minutes is a room with four or
five minute walls. Okay, okay, so I picked you a
square room and the meditation is like slowly moving your
way around the perimeter with your face stuffed against the
blank wall. Wait, how minutes are you doing? What's your chambering?
Twenty unguided? Unguided, but with with a seed. With the seed,

(01:52):
I mean guided, is you know how I go to
sleep every night? Okay, swim with the dolphins. I meet Merlin.
I meet Merlin. Literally, one of my favorite meditations guided
is meeting Merlin. It's called me Merlin. It takes you
on a journey to a mountaintop and there's a yeah yeah,
and then there's a there's a unicorn there, Okay, unicorn
imergy for me? I no, I know, but okay, okay,

(02:15):
I can believe me. I know, Okay, I would hope
you know that just unicorn imagery is not sorry, okay, okay,
then I'm beyond okay. No, but there is a unicorn
in this okay, and it's part of it, and you
have to take it on a symbolic level, all right.
But anyway, the unicorn has a horn. Yeah what if

(02:36):
I never knew this? And I was like, so this
unicorn had a single horn and I've never seen that
unique feature. Okay. So anyways, it has the unic corn okay,
and it glows glows okay, And it's this thing where
it touches you right in the center of the foe.
It touches you with its with its glowing horn. And

(02:59):
I allow myself to use the imagery that I have,
which is like almost like a little bit of my
little pony, kind of like coloration, like I basically because
I get disturbed picturing it, like I don't know anyway,
I picture kind of like a glowing even with like
um like glitter on it. I'm picturing a teal teal. Well,
that's beautiful for the for the six shock or you know,
the what the indigo I'm I'm like, wait, I'm sorry,

(03:24):
I got distracted about Merlin. Take me back. Sorry, okay, okay,
but anyway, it's lovely and I love it and it's fantastic,
but no proper gruesome meditation seedless Well actually no, it's
a meditation without seed or whatever. There is a seed
because it's a seed. Sound Okay, I do have a
mantra me too, sweetie. I love my mouth cause for free,

(03:48):
I don't mean that in a rude wall. I had
to pay for mine. That's what I didn't do. The No, No,
I I did. I didn't do it like so. I
did a TM ceremony. It wasn't with the proper TM.
It was like an shoot. It was like it was
someone who had defected. Jesus. It was somebody who had
defected from TM and was like, I feel like you

(04:08):
said TA ceremony, like you said t M ceremony because
TA ceremonies in your head, don't know. I did do this. No,
there was a ceremony where I had to bring him.
I had to bring him and like fig I brought
him figs in cash to like would requested ed special.
It was like bring four pieces of sweet fruit and
like I'm sorry and cold heart, no listen. I was

(04:31):
a little bit like okay, but then it was great.
It was a week. He like taught me for a week,
and there was a period where I was doing twenty
minutes twice a day like a goddamn monk um. Of course,
no difference in my life was noted. And then I
naturally fell off never returned, and then I was in
the beginning of pandemic. As everyone knows, my sacred morning,

(04:52):
I was recommitting to twenty minutes once a day, and
now I'm just saying, you know what, five minutes, if
you can go with God, just do it. And I
have an idea that I thought of this morning actually
because I'm up and at them and so I'm optimizing. Well,
this was the problem today's today. I probably said my mantra,
like you know, twenty four times during during the tennament,

(05:13):
anyone your mantra never okay, I just want to confirm
you can't. You can't remember I can't. And then the
next day I was worried that I had forgotten it,
or that I was mispronouncing it, and he was like,
whisper it in my ear as quietly as you can.
And I have this and I went over to him
and I was like, you know, whispered it and he
was like, yeah, that's it. Imagine like someone who's so
like anxious about like fearing, like almost like O C

(05:36):
D need to say their mantra out loud and so like,
but there you're not supposed to be the only person
you can say it too is the person who gave
it to you. And so like they're like at their
house nightly, like they're like I need it for ten
minute place and they're like they like screamed the mantra
at them and then like they can go home and relax.
I mean, the idea of the of the mantra a
little scene I imagine. I love that scene. But even
the fact that you can't you're not supposed to say

(05:57):
not at all. Right, you're not supposed to write down,
you're not supposed say, lub there is something. Really I
appreciate that level of holiness. No, No, it's nice to
have something. It's nice to have something that you're staying
in this godless world. This is some thing, Okay that
that has ritual around it that has it yet you know,
I know it's it's thrilling, it's it's weird. It's like, yeah,
it's weird to know. But there's something I was dying

(06:18):
to say about. Oh oh, but you're five minutes. So
I was thinking, like Steve this morning because because my
alarm went off on my meds thanks to a listeners
getting me on time caps. Okay, my alarm went off
and I was like, oh yeah, okay, and we're at
the right time. So I went over and I took it.
And then I was like, and I also have Alexa.
Sorry again, okay, but I have Alexa remind me to

(06:39):
drink water at noon, okay, because I never think about
it and sometimes still miss that. So I get I
get drink water at noon. I added in his little
gag kiss Mabel at three, Alexa tells me kiss Mabel.
Not obviously, I've been kissing Mabel my cattle day along. Anyway,
that's start of a little gag at home. And then
I was like, okay, what if I became a slave
to a series of alarms? Okay, how fabulous that would be. Okay,

(07:03):
So for example, for you, you would have something you'd
set up a timer. Now I wonder if there's a
way to almost like randomize it. But whatever, you set
a timer, okay, that just goes off and wherever the
funk you are, whatever you're doing, you just dropped your knees, okay,
and you meditate for five. Do you see what I'm saying.
I think there's something there. Give up the the I mean,

(07:24):
this is why people have habits, I suppose, okay, is
that they can lean on them without thinking. Right. So
it's like, oh wow, it's like, okay, if you always
meditate a ten, then you're sort of a slave to
that in a good way, right, you just give yourself over.
But I feel like my life could benefit from drop
and give me twenty kind of kind of vibes. Okay,
Like that's so like I got no time to no

(07:45):
time to warm up, no time to convince myself, oh
I should I should exercises or whatever. But just and
for some reason, I almost feel like the randomness of
the times would help. I think that that's that's an
interesting idea. I think you're onto something. Tell me if
this is related it to this idea, because how hard
it is to do? Okay, So I've been practicing these
like micro moments of doing something I don't want to do.

(08:08):
For example, I forgot who somebody once told me. They're like,
you know, the productivity tips or whatever, like if something
is going to can be finished under a minute, to
do it now, And I told you, and it was
under two minutes. Because it's like really classic GTD principle.
Oh my god, see I've never see I didn't know.
And even that because I will push off, push off,
it's like oh I'll cook and then I'm like, oh, here,
I'm holding this big dirty dish. You know, do it now.

(08:30):
So like yesterday, I was raging, Yester huge, raging yesterday. Again,
the PMS continues, the phantom PMS, except I realized mine's real.
I got an alert. Oh my god, I speak. I'm
still like a week away. My tips are huge. I'm raging. No,
but like you experience breast pain. Yes, that's how I
always know because I grabbed. I grabbed from the slot

(08:53):
like I poke, and I'm like and I'm like, yeah,
it's come, it's coming. These milk, the milkers. I wish
I constantly had the milk bags. I have what I'm
about to get my period. But I oh, but I
was raging around the house. I was feeling really overwhelmed.
I was angry, and then I was like, when I'm
in that state, I'll like be like you fucking idiot,

(09:16):
like I really like talk to myself in that way,
or I'll slam I slam things um or you know.
It's like when you're in that rage state and like
maybe like a cap flies off a bottle, it's like
you're about ready to literally it's like it's like something
small kind of rolls across the table and like falls
on the floor and you're like cool, well, like like

(09:39):
it's completely which is why again we're not going to
get into the gun debate, but that's why guns shouldn't
be available, because I'm like in that moment the caps.
Have you ever has anyone ever heard of rage? Like, yeah,
anyone being completely overwhelmed by rage so and literally looking
around for a means of destruction to relieve it. Because

(10:00):
my punching a pillow isn't satisfying. The pillow soft catches it.
I want to punch my hand through a wall. Yeah,
I want to feel pain, Okay, I want something I
love to be destroyed. I did something. I'm actually not
proud of this. I actually slapped my own cheek. I
did like I slapped myself on the face yesterday. Don't
have to be you don't have to It was fine.
But then and then, by the way, and even as

(10:20):
I did it right after, I was like, that's a
little over the top. But when I was doing a
couple of these little things and like I was, I
was like because I was raging, right, and I was like,
I don't want to do the dishes and there weren't
that many, and I was like, just do them, bitch,
And so that I did them. And then it was
like kind of exciting, like I had in the semi
rage taken a picture off the wall, like or off
thing because it was like annoying me. And I was

(10:41):
like now and I took it off and I'm not
living with that anymore. And I was like, I have
to put it back. I have to put it back.
And I was like, I don't want to get the
chair and stand on the chair. And I was like,
I'm doing it. And then I did it, and then
I was like whoa. And then I became a little
bit euphoric and I started to calm down. And I
was like, and I was like, I don't want to
meditate because I had meditated. Oh that's what I did,
so's I can't myself to meditate. So you know what

(11:01):
I did. I went outside, I sat in the chair.
I just did like deep breathing for like ten seconds.
The comedy because I just like, I can't explain it.
The comedy of you suffering alone is very funny in
this way, like like if I just had a video,
because you're like so not alone. You're very like bring
people in, call a friend, whatever, whatever. So you're just
like stewing and sort of marching out to your deck

(11:21):
and sitting the steely face. With the steely face. I
don't know why I can picture you. There's a comedy
to you said, but wait, I'm dying to go back.
Wait hold on, but the rage and the destroying something. Oh,
but they're like, well I don't want to. You're like
like I should do this, but I don't want to
do the dishes. Right. It's truly like we have no
middle way. Okay, And and this is and I'm not
going to go deep into my my young book, okay,

(11:43):
but there but this idea of the Medusa and the
Athena or whatever. Okay, these extremes that live in us.
And that's not the realm of people, okay, But the
point is, where's the human Okay. We don't live in
the realm of the gods okay, and we shouldn't, but
we all do it like we do it in this
way that keeps us. We animate them from like monster,

(12:04):
who's like, you fucking bitch, why can't you clean up
a piece of ship? You know what I mean? Like
or whatever? Okay, and then like I don't want to
I'm a woman of pleasure, okay, like these these like
these a stream sort of characters that we like let
war within us and swing back and forth. Because the central,
the third way, the middle way, whatever sounds like a bore,

(12:25):
a healthy ego, deciding like like gently being like you know,
saying no to either God essentially to either extreme. Well
that's what sounds joyless, sounds joyous, and doesn't young say,
like I think neurosis is a scorned god. And also
this idea of like you have to live brilliant. I
love the way it talks about the little people, meaning

(12:46):
like inside you are all these there are all these
dramas constantly unraveling within yourself, and like they have lives
of their own, and they have relationships of their own,
like separate from you. Oh my god. And it's like
really beautiful to be like there's a thief in you
who's running away from you know. It's like there's all
these like constant thief and people. It's so sweet to

(13:06):
think of. That's like little sweet. Make small archetypes constantly small.
See the small archetype this is huge? No, because the
small archetype, I'm like, okay, does that give you a
feeling of like, you know, gentle loving curiosity towards them,
you know what I'm saying, Because you're imagine them as
like as small versus I tend to picture the archetype
as like outside of me, huge and like rolling through

(13:28):
me because I think of it as like a yeah,
like a giant god. And because it's collective, I make
it larger, even though of course the collective can expt
was like a little puppet shop, you know those like
things where it's like a little puppet it's it's in
my chest. Yeah, and like you know, did you ever
have as a kid? Oh, here comes to childhood memory.
It's coming to the surface. It's coming. Did you ever
have that little thing where it's a magnet and you

(13:49):
hold the magnet underneath and then there's a there's a
little pawn I'm sorry, like a little figure with a
magnet on the bottom, and then it sets down on
the stage and you move it from you move it
from below. Well, like was I raised in the sixteenth century,
Like the fact that I had that toy? Well, and
that now you know, no, sorry, I'm just breaking my breaking,

(14:10):
breaking news. I never had one as a child. I
never had one as a child. But what was I
searching for on eBay mayor three weeks a variety of
puppet theaters, including that, oh my god, okay, okay, I
want them from my home. And then I briefly so
I wanted them for my own creative reasons. I want
to work with puppets. I've always been drawn to them, Okay, okay,
for myself, if you know, if nothing else, but I

(14:32):
mean certainly just for myself. Right. But then I started
to have fantasies of being a collector of vintage puppet theater, okay,
And I was imagining people coming over to my house.
No one comes to my house, right, I was imaginingly
just like in life, right, like like oh that when
company is over, okay, they kind of like happened upon.
Oh what are what are those? Those are those are
some interesting? Oh right? Uh I in my I spare time,

(14:55):
I'm actually a scholar of ancient puppetry. Then that be
so I think that's very too. I want it so bad.
Everyone will be so jealous they hadn't come up with
the hobby sooner. Scurrying over to your little puppet area.
And then I get those lights from my Kia. You
know the kind of highlight art you mean, just track lighting,

(15:16):
no genius. Okay, yes, I know. I realized now that's
what track lighting can do. You angle it at the art.
But I mean like those absurd um sort of gold
or brass like literally they'll hang it like in a home,
hang it republican. Yeah, yeah, I know it's deeply republican,
which is like, which is why I want Like the

(15:38):
sex aren't beneath it? Do you see what I'm saying?
Like like you know, like like bringing the brass, steal
the brass from the conservative home. Oh my god, yeah, brass.
I could never I've tried to repurpose brass and it
still it doesn't work. I had By the way, everyone
might want to know my lamp, my world of lamps.

(16:00):
Did you get rid of it? By the way, Okay, listen,
you send it to a friend. I'm getting overwhelmed. No listen,
so I keep slaying list too much funding me Listen again.
There were two lamps in my home that I hated
more than anything, okay, and one of them had a
brass base. I bought it in a state of emergency
where I was like, any lamp will do you know?
And I bought it. It was bass. It's a classic. Yeah.

(16:23):
I felt awful. I felt just every day I looked
at it, get out and then I was going to
sell it or put it, you know, summer, give it away.
And my mother was like, bring the lamps to my
house and we'll use them. So I packed them up
took them to her. I'm losing the story. Where was
I going? Oh? I would just say briefly the bamboo lamp,
which if anyone is following on Instagram, that I bought

(16:43):
for fifty dollars. Poog a blessed poog listener've been begging.
They've been begging for pictures. They keep we post them again, folks,
we will not accept any more emails or calls. And
I'll just say that my exact lamp, and again there
were too available for purchase. I bought one. The other
one was purchased, and it's currently being sold at a
local furniture store. For hold the phone, folks, or I

(17:07):
hope you're sitting down rather eighteen hundred dollars, I repeat,
eighteen hundred dollars. It's being sold for its the identical lamp.
And then the same way, you believe that, Wait, this
is funny. You you're sure that there when they were
too available on offer up right, and you bought one,
you believe the furnit store bought the other. You don't
think there's no floting around. There's no doubt in my heart,
because it's just that's how they get their stuff, do not.

(17:31):
I'm not confused. I don't think they're all coming from
back from a state. It's the identical lamp, and to
me there were too available, and I'm just like, oh,
and then I buy it, this person buys it, and
then that's the same week and then boom, it's up
at the store. Do you know, it just feels to
know I have a lot to say here. Okay, you
know the you know, Council Thrift, the Ladies Council. Okay,

(17:51):
we'll have to go to break in a minute. But
but but Council Thrift. Um, you know they're in l
a whatever. I've run into shop owners okay, from high
end sort of vintage places in the Ladies Council. You know,
by your facial recognition, you know them? Oh yes, and um,
well and they recognized me okay, and and even said

(18:13):
the moment I saw them in in the Council Thrift, Okay,
they just go, well you found out my secret. Oh,
because they go to the Ladies Council, the because it's
the New York or in New York, the Jewish Women's Council.
I once got the most unbelievable coat there and it
was incredible thing where all the women swarmed around me

(18:34):
and they were like, oh my god, and I'll never
forget this. One goes do work in pr And I
was like no, and it was why the hell was that?
By the way, Oh, and here it comes the panic.
Where the fuck is it? Okay? Folks? Satin like floor
length with a train like a psychotic costume piece, and

(18:55):
inside the pocket was a Berg dwarf Goodman tags. I repeat,
two hundred dollars and by the way, this is from
I was gonna say. I was going to say this
was a completely perfect and I bought it for like
i'd say, a hundred and fifty dollars because I was like,
this is going to give birth to a new era

(19:18):
for me. Where is it? I'm spiraling into non meaning
I'll find it. I'll find it somehow, right, And it
was a one fifty. It's it's interesting because that's like, obviously,
that's a decent sized expenditure in the context of thrift.
We may have to go into thrift further after the break.
And I hate to be the timehound. What am I?
I'm the bastard. Okay in the sor right now, I'm
back to that room. Okay, it's a different thing. It's

(19:39):
another form of twenty minutes is the first act of pooh?
Do you see another form? But it's a room in
which we like rage joyfully. All right, So off you go,
I forget, I'll come right back. We can come right now.
Let's just get right back in, Okay, And Okay, okay,

(20:01):
we're back. We're back and back. Okay, okay, okay, back,
we're back. We're back. Let's talk about thrift shop or
or any of that for one second, because here's all
I want to say. Can you do it with a friend? Yes?
Can you go into a thrift shop where there's only
or vantage shop high end low end? Right? Yeah? Yeah,
the friends where there's unique only items listen, I actually

(20:25):
had so. I usually I went to an outdoor flea market,
as they all are, and I'm usually seized by mania
at such an event, and I'm like, I need to
buy six things or I'll die, you know, or I
need to find the signature piece from my home. And
it was really liberating to walk around spend an hour.

(20:47):
They're not by a single thing, barely be drawn to anything.
Because I want a story about the Shangri law diet. Sorry,
it's a leap, but it's it's a lateral. It's connected
about walking around being not feeling drawn to purchase. Okay.
I once read this one of my like poog esque
things years and years ago. I've mentioned this that the
shangar Law diet that I I read about it was

(21:08):
called Shinger Law, because you're supposed to like you just
you reach a kind of nirvana or whatever. Okay, And
it was like and it was I've told you that,
it's it's you. You. There's a couple of things you
do you Basically, the idea was, well, all right, I'll
give you the sale that was relevant to what you
were just saying, which was someone said that once being
on the Shinger Law diet, Okay, they walked through a supermarket,

(21:30):
they walked through a grocery store, and they felt like
they were in a museum. Oh my god, Okay, they
felt like there was there was nothing, There was no
you know, which which maybe some people go, I mean, yeah, sure,
what do you even mean by that? And what do
you mean by that? Is there? You're not walking around
literally just like to me, walking on a supermarket is

(21:52):
just a it's just shelves, them shelves with tempters and temptresses, okay,
like reaching out at me with their limbs and their
tend to goals, okay, trying to like pull me in
at every stage. I am beneath, I am at the
mercy of you know, the foods okay, And this person
and I felt immense um fellowship with him. Okay. And
then the other example they gave, and this I loved.

(22:12):
It really made me, gave me joy. They described how
once being in the Shambarlood diet, they brought like a
burger and fries back to work, you know, for lunch.
They brought it, they sat down at their desk, they
started working, they're eating, they start working, and they go
and I forgot about my fries. Like I looked over.
I looked over an hour later or whatever, okay, and
there were still fries. That then the person just goes,

(22:33):
this is all on a forum, by the way, person
just goes, I've never forgotten about my fries. And I
was like, I'm giving it an very specific dramatic intonation
and it was in text, but it was like any version.
I mean, but but yeah, to me, it's I mean
just no, it's like it's like you no matter how
you read it, it stands, it holds, okay, because it's

(22:55):
just I've never forgotten my friends. And I was like, well, yeah, exactly,
I've I've never forgotten about my fries. Like and so
I was like, I'm intrigued. I don't even know what
they're referring to is just a very different relationship to food.
But the Singer diet is completely outrageous. You a couple
of things you do, you take in flavorless calories, okay,
because what what your body does? Then this is another

(23:17):
one of these caveman models. Okay, the body funk. I
can't even remember how it works. It doesn't matter. But
the point is your pinion the sea you don't get. Yeah,
you see, you pin your nose clothes while you eat,
so you don't experience flavor. Okay in the body space
that is like hard times or something. I forget what
it is, okay. And then you drink extra extra extra
virgin olive oil, the most refined, the one with absolutely

(23:40):
no flavor. You take like a shot of that between
with like two hours on either side before your meal
is so flagellate, and then you, oh wait, I'm willing
to come back to meditation. But the reason I said
this was because walking around a thrift store without desire,
experiencing a place where you used to experience desire, experiencing
none is like you almost feel like a god. You

(24:03):
feel like you've transcended. Anyway, I just that's for me.
That do not feel the gnawing want and the panic,
Like if I go shopping with a friend in one
of those environments, okay, it's like, well it depends. I mean,
you can go with a friend who is completely different style.
But then you know, so you're not competing for the
same items. Okay, you're not gasping at the same coat,

(24:23):
running towards it, checking the size and deciding who it's
more likely to fit, you know. Okay, And then like,
but I remember being really, but I'm like, who wants
the shop based on their style? In that sense? Right?
I go to a store to see possibilities. Okay, so
I'm going to start again. Well that's not you know,
that's not something you'd wear. How do you know? Okay,

(24:45):
maybe that's why I'm here today to discover the news
the new look. So like I remember a friend being like,
you know, it's it's that whole like for you thing
like a friend wool, like I just don't wear anything
with a flower on it, Like no, it was like
flower like florals. Like it was like the realization, oh
my god, you're right, I've never seen you in a floral?
Do you know you want to discuss how it's like
insulting when someone says like, oh, yeah, that's good for

(25:07):
you or something. Yeah, because I've rude these other time. Mother.
So many times I'm like, because my my sweet mother
got blessed her. But you know, she'll be like, look
at this, like dress or something. Do you like this? No?
And I'm like, I like it for you yeah, and um,
you're like cool. So like my friend with the floral
I don't wear florals, but like, yeah, I can see

(25:27):
you liking it. You with your florals. You se floral lover.
Common woman. Wait wait, but there was something about meditation
I was dying to say that was related to all
this meditation of like letting things. You know, meditation propost
to let thoughts float by notice them right and go oh. Similarly,
you're floating through the thrift store. You're going, oh look

(25:48):
a chair, Oh look a lamp. You're like not clinging
being activated, You're not grasping, You're just letting, letting it pass,
which sounds great. And they're grasping. Yeah, causes a evans Okay,
trying to realize a lot less. Okay, I realized that
grasping with my head, that there my head is another
set of hands. My mind is another set of hands, Okay,

(26:09):
And there's a lot of things that and I realized
some of that. I grasped with my head, trying to
hold something with my head and understand it and work
through it and save myself through thinking. Right. And then
I furrow the brow and then I get the elevens.
Do you do you see what I'm saying? So frownies,
which you know I'm getting you into. Frownies support the
act of non mental grasping. Wow, and I have collapsed

(26:31):
the wellness industrial complex products is I think I was
doing a lot of scowling in my soup last night.
I was having some disturbing dreams, really yeah, And I
like woke up at one point and I was like, God, dreams,
not to here I go. Dreams are crazy. It's truly
what I was gonna say, But they are. They are.

(26:54):
And I'm not talking, I'm really transported somewhere. And I
woke up like upset, and that thing of when you
know something's happened to your dream, it's it's upsetting and
you're seized by it and it feels completely real. And
then I had the cartoon thing happened this morning of
the alarm going off in the dream and like hitting
snobs like it's a nineties movie. Yeah, and I was.

(27:16):
And then I woke up and it was really happening.
But I was scowling. I felt myself scowling. So that's
a terrifying realization, scowling in the sleep. Our imagine hours
trying to sleep with frownies all over my face. Placidity
on the face shall send messages back to the brain
to experience. Not the placidity interests me. Let's get real.

(27:36):
How much are you were using a friend? Well, I've
gotten to the point where I wear it during the
day and I like wear it out. Okay, now, no,
that's because that's because my my and I were out. Now,
I barely go anywhere at this time of my life,
like you know, out onto the front, out into the randa,

(27:56):
out into the balcony where I could be seen, or
like on a walk. What am I here? I'm not
here to present myself as a fashion plate. I don't walk,
and I have my my signature visor. I'm waiting to
be recognized for it. Of course, you know, given that
I've posted it a single time on poog. I expect
to be recognized at every corner, okay, with my nondescriptive
but extreme visor. So the visor kind of covers the frownie.

(28:19):
The visor covers the frownie a bit so they can't
really see it. Okay, Okay, and then and then I've
got a face mask. Listen. I want to break in
and say yes. I want to break in and say
because Jack and you sent me a photo of yourself
with the visor, frownie and your career. I Loveiging about
it brought me some I want to make it the
background of my phood, like it's funny posted on poog,

(28:40):
and I was like, literally, what's funny? It's literally it's
and it's completely and the fact that you can't see
why it's funny we're posting it on poog okay because also,
let me say it this way. You sent me a
photo the other day and I merely responded ha ha okay,
just because I don't know why. It made me laugh,
like and it was sort of the same thing. It's
just like you and like sunglasses or in a hat.
Do you remember you were like, what's funny? So we'll

(29:00):
plust both will post both yeah, oh yeah, and you
were like that. It's not even like I think the
hat's funny. It's like there's something about seriousness and a
hat gonna be like in a sun hat and shades
like grimacing. That's kind of the U I'm picturing on
the On the I'm also wearing my own merch. I
think in that photo, which you know I always doing

(29:21):
around anger, there is something about anger in me. You know,
when I first went to therapy as a child, as
a very young child, like I was like four or something,
and I went to go see a therapist because I was,
to quote my mother, angry no yeah, yeah, oh my god,
oh my gosh, an angy four year old before really angry,

(29:43):
like she felt more than other four year olds or
something like. I like, I had a lot of anger.
And it wasn't that I was throwing tantrums or anything.
I was just like, I think I had this like
solemn anger, which is crazy to imagine. In my in
my flowering your mother, I would have been digging for
past life info. Of course, um you know I would

(30:06):
have been going, well, it could just be left over
from your unvanquished murder. And and I swear to God
I have the memory of the therapist office at that
at that because therapy for kids at that age it's
like really toy based, right, and you like watch how
the kids in act the toys and they learned. And
there was a dog. There was a stuffed animal the
dog where you could bring the lips up and show

(30:27):
the dog's angry teeth, or you could bring it the
lips down and then the dog would be I guess neutral,
and I was always making the dog but then sublime hideous.
But then also it's like the comedy of those kinds
of interpretations being incorrect by a therapist. Like I'll just
say quickly the anecdote. A dear friend of mine talks
about she went to a therapist when she was very

(30:49):
very young as her parents were divorcing or something, and
it was like drop picture of your family, and she
drew a tree with a big hole in it, right,
which is like where the owl lives. And the therapist
was like, why is the hole that's like, that's where
the owl lives, bitch, And she's like, don't you think
that whole it's about you know, and it's like, no,
I understand that that's where the vibrant owl, hole in

(31:09):
the tree. I have a lot to say about this. Yeah, no, no,
the therapist, she's ball interpretation of something that isn't reading
the textbook or like you know, so entrenched into in
their own training that it's like the whole yes, seeing
the whole tree, the perfect example or maybe not perfect. Well,
there's a couple of things. One Ivannie de Franco. Okay,

(31:29):
I was four years old. They tried to test my
i Q. They showed me a picture of three origines
and a parent asked me which one is different and
does not belong It taught me different is wrong. I
always forget your deep to Franco, I know what I
can't believe. I haven't even up a single lyric considering
my entire identity. My entire mind is based on concepts
introduced to me via the lyrics by Annie, you know,

(31:52):
through a single note of a song. Um, no, no, yeah,
I wanna Yes, let's talk about right. So it's like there,
I as, I was playing with this dog toy and
the only thing that you can it's malleable on this
dog toy is the scowl that you either produce or disappear. Right, So,
it's like, no, I I was, of course I was
doing that. I was making the dog angry. No, it's

(32:14):
like giving you a squeeze ball and you squose the ball.
I don't know what. Okay, he squeeze ball and you
squose it something that I'm sorry. I actually no, I'm
not sorry to constantly be talking about James Hollis because
I am also going to write to James Hollis. I'm
gonna write. Last night, I was ranting I'm gonna write
James Hollis a letter because I'm sorry, but people are

(32:35):
buying the books and I have this fantasy of him
his book rep calling him being like, we're really getting
a spike in these books, baby, and he needs to
know what I'm going to write, yeah, again, creating a
life I'll post on. But the Eden project, I'm anyway
now it's absoutly my mind. But he says at one point,
James Hollis is like a therapist can only take you
as far as they've gone. Okay, yes, you know it

(32:57):
is a similar concept. I've heard a sex therapist can
only direct you to have sex as good as they've
ever had, right right, Like I mean, which, of course
in one sense seems okay. I was just so excited
by the connection between these two ideas that I flexed
my foot and it cramped again. This is constantly happening,
like my foot just cript. But I want to I

(33:18):
want to give another example of the bad. Oh my god, wait,
can I just think that? Just remember the middle that
I fell asleep by my arm and I woke up
with my arm was completely numb, and I was like,
I was like, I'm paused to wake it up. I
was biting my own hand and moaning like a child,
like no, because it's so scary, the full, the numbness

(33:43):
of the full arm. One time, I had a numb
leg yesterday and I just courageously you know. It was
post meditation, actually, you know, because I got too fancy
and I folded it under myself and then I had
to wake it up. And I was so afraid it
was going to get to that point where it's like
where it's the full vibrate and it's not pins and needles.
Pins and needles are fine. It feels like when you
touch your leg it's like tickles. Where I try to

(34:06):
I don't want to wake it up because the pain
is like not the pain. The feeling is like tickling
me to extant. It's like it's strumming a guitar string
in my leg and a vibrates whole thing, and it's
like it's like I can't move and it's like it's
it's I don't know. I just I hear people take
pins and needles, and I'm like, I'm not sure we're
experiencing the same thing, because I can barely push through mine.
I'm like, stay, no, stay, no, no, it could be

(34:26):
very paved. Wait, but I'm dying to say. Another example.
Oh yeah, my friend, my friend, my friend, so, my friend,
her older sister, you know, a genius. Okay. I had
some early education therapy type testing thing and there was
a thing where this was an example of like her
genius and the therapist being a fool of course. Right,
It's like a little girl on a swing right, on

(34:47):
a swing set, and like one of her ponytail, like
she's got pigtails, but like only on one side, one
one pigtail, right, and they're like, what's missing in this photo? Okay,
and she's like, um, the chain on the swing isn't
actually connected to the swing, Like, so the swing would fall,
you know, like okay, and they were like, now she

(35:09):
only has one to make two pigtails, you know what
I mean, Like like she found a much more interesting
and real answer about like what was missing, and it
was like the latch that connects the chain to the
But they weren't like moved by that. It weren't like
your genius. I mean, in my memory, that's not the
way it goes. But I just I always think of
that damn half pigtail. I just was flashing back to

(35:32):
all those tests that I took. You think if I've
ever been miss miss grossly, miss um misread. Oh well,
you know what? Okay. In fifth grade, they gave out
this test that I now realized or maybe kind of
new at the time, was like a screener for mental
health or something. I think. Okay, it was very weird.
It was like one day, we're taking this emotional quiz
that had come from outside the classroom. Wasn't like from

(35:53):
our teacher. It was like they were dropped off, you know,
like you put up you always know something's up, like
when an administrator really comes by with like freshly photocopied okay,
And it was like, okay, we take this test, and
I remember sort of like finding the question stimulating, you know,
almost like what is it like inside your brain? And

(36:13):
so like I answer honestly and then what do I know?
Before I know it? Okay, me and five other kids
are being asked to once a week when the other
kids go to recess to instead go into the psychology
room with the two schools okay, And it was kind
of like this is like a pilot program for whatever.

(36:36):
Like they weren't like, we think you all have problems,
and I don't think they necessarily thought like it was
this weird thing where I remember almost I don't know
if I asked my parents about what was going on,
but they sort of it was like research paper was
using you. I know it's but but it was like
it was like, um, I remember sort of them combining
the message that made it feel like simultaneously you were

(36:57):
being selected for being gifted and simonltaneously you were being
select did for being mentally ill. And it wasn't kind
of clear. And perhaps that's where I where I first
interwove the two and decided for the rest of my
life that that any of you know that I must
suffer whatever. So I remember being this little group and
both feeling special and denigrated or whatever. But I remember

(37:18):
specifically they like went around and had everyone say something
about themselves that like they don't think the other kids
would know, or or something they like or you know
that they've never told anyone or whatever. I think my
answer was fantastic and I stand by it ready. Okay,
so you think this is like a supportive like group situation. Okay,
we're like, surely the teacher is going to be supportive.
So I said that I really like watching the weather

(37:39):
Channel and like hoping for snow days or something. Okay,
but just like I like having a weather channel on.
That was it. It was like I like put it on.
I like having it on, like I find a comforting
or something, right, which is like the most normal, fucking
like tweet, Like it wouldn't even be a tweet, you
know what I mean. Like that's not like some admission.
And they were all like including this hoologists, right, is

(38:02):
that not bizarre? That's utterly bizarre. It's like I love
the Weather Channel. I love having it on like like
in the afternoons or whatever, and like they cackle and
cackle and act like and act like like Okay, well
that one was too far. You know what I'm saying, bizarre.
I'm trying to ahead, do you remember any of the
other children's admissions. I feel like the other children's admissions

(38:23):
were like even more boring than that, you know what
I mean? Like, I actually felt like it's like it's
hard to imagine that saying you like watching the Weather
channel is quirky before like a fifth grader, it's pretty quirky.
Like I just want I have like in that in
that story, It's like I just want to protect you. Well,
we should tell our traumas, our minor traumas and injuries

(38:45):
that after the break micro tash, after the break. Okay,
we're back from break, We're back from break care, we go, baby,
We're back. I threwout the term micro t I was
gonna can I guess before you say, I was going
to say microtherapy session. No, micro t is like a

(39:08):
micro trauma. So it's like I think of these kind
of big traumas, right, that people suffer, and then there
are these smaller traumas, right, So oh, okay, this is
not my this is actually not a micro tea. But
I just wanted to say that one of the first
moments that I was ever aware of wellness or skin
or anything about taking care of one's show was that

(39:28):
my I think it was maybe my eleventh birthday or something,
and was sitting at a table, adults around the table
and some kids, like I remember my aunt. Some comment
was made about I was turning eleven, right, and there
was something about the women were marking like, oh, to
be eleven, and oh, look at that skin, or something
about like, oh, my god, the skin of a childhood

(39:48):
and the type of thing. And then I remember, I
don't remember which aunt it was, but I remember them
kind of laughing and one of them going, we'll start
moisturizing now, and that like went directly into me, and
I remember, and I just remember that. But no, no, no, no,
I my sister said to me once in the car,
you know how your thighs like spread on a seat, okay,

(40:10):
and like and like and like I was in the
middle because I was much younger, and so my feet
are up on that hump, right, so my my legs
are lifted up, so my thighs are not spread, right,
I mean, they're like they're narrows they've ever been. And
my sister is saying something like enjoy it. While last
commenting on my thigh sigh as as a war zone.

(40:32):
I remember thinking, like on the bus, specifically in shorts, okay,
like basically thinking that there was something wrong because like
I don't know like that, I guess because it's like
thighs on seats weren't shown in media. Media were just
constantly fed images of of the standing thigh, the standing thigh,

(40:53):
the flexed thigh. So I'm very confused by that shape
of the way the knee. The knee then goes out
like I just it's it's it's, you know whatever. But
I remember that trying to think of other ones like
that early beauty or body well. I think I've talked
about this over the Hill mug, the over the Hill
mug that was given to my mother um for like
at our forty birthday. You know. It was like there

(41:15):
were two mugs. It was like one said like like welcome,
you know, welcome to forty or something, okay, and it
had all these terms written on it and it was
like boils, constipation, skin tags, arnicles, mood, mood whatever, okay,
And so I would read every single one. I would
read every single one on the thing. I mean, it's

(41:36):
almost amazing that I, I don't know, didn't become one
of these people that's like obsessed with age in that way,
you know what I mean. I mean, honestly, that mug,
Like what is that mug? You send that into someone's home?
I just that is so eighties and nineties, Okay, to
like give in to this like for humor to be
this kind of like you know how it is these
things all happen all of us and it's ship and

(41:57):
life is ship. You know, it's like like so like
annoying and like I'm like, it's not funny. It's not funny, which,
by the way, I don't think you mentioned on poog
but Jack and right you incologies. So when I went
to my guy ina cologists office, not the one I've
talked about in the past, a different one. I don't
want to get into it. Um that now I have
to clarify nothing's wrong with my vagina. But okay, okay, um,

(42:19):
this is a long time ago. Not a long time ago,
youre go. Okay. Anyway, I was waiting for her and
then on the wall was a sign was like on
like on an old piece of driftwood or something like
a cooky sign and it said the seven Dwarves of Menopause, bitchy, cranky,

(42:42):
Like I took a picture I'm dead and dying. I
can't remember because I have it so clearly in my
head as a visual, but I feel like it was
just it's sprang to life in my head the moment
you told me about it. If I truly don't know
whether I saw it or not. And I know you
hate see how do you feel about like humor humorous
sign in the dentist office or the doctors? I mean
doctor is completely obscene dentists and and this is you

(43:05):
know what, I'm going to be ridiculous, but you want
to be taken serious a real doctor dentist. You know
they're always bitching that no one thinks that season as
a real doctor. When when you're gifted, when you're gifted
a little cartoon about the dentist straight again, they're always like,
you can feel what's a gift that's been hung? Do
you know what I mean? You can feel like they

(43:27):
always picture the scenes that they came to the menopause.
I'm like that was a gift or something. And also
you know in Kinnacologist office. There's always the pamphlets on
the wall for Latise for like you want a new
ass tits on the fritz like ever, like it's all
oh the cosmetic that is that has infiltrated all it

(43:48):
all goes cosmetic instantly. It's instantly cosmetic. But they really
push Latis. I mean the problem with Latis is we'd
all slap it on freely, like why not get more
lashes right without like oh I have a lash problem.
But then there's like there's some risk, right, there's like
risk of um, like discoloring your eye or something and
like and so you're just like, Okay, I guess I

(44:10):
can't have the fun of like slapping Latisson for no reason.
I also missed I entered with the prompt of micro
t s and I don't want to lose that. I well,
I consider you know that mug a micro t okay,
And I don't even know how micro consider that it
came in daily right, it's yeah, yeah, yeah, Well that's

(44:30):
the real truth of the micro t right is just
because it's a small pin prick and they they hit
the campus, it's there, you know what I mean, small
weeping wounds I I sort of, um, I make this case.
I make this case in my depression book, okay, which
is that like I was always searching for the big trauma, okay,
like that caused the depression, like you know, like of

(44:51):
course you're looking for like the early and profound and
heinous trauma, like praying to have repressed something that will
emerge in therapy and what a relief that will be
and like the devastation of continuous being like I really
don't think I was abused, okay. And then like every
once in a while, like almost like being like maybe
I was like like looking looking, looking because they're there,

(45:14):
you know. There was always like a reaction to me,
almost a like well something must do half him right,
something is wrong clearly, you know, and looking for an
origin and maybe not being satisfied with like my glia cells,
you know, not being resilient or whatever. Right the bio
bioa is literally I'm like not experiencing full adoration at

(45:34):
all times, Like that's like my like no, no, no,
my primal wound is like ties leaving me for a moment,
like like like not being in a direct like just
for a moment someone's eyes. But don't you also object?
Is that enacted drama actually what you need? Right? So,

(45:56):
like I don't mean actually you need for health. I
mean like, is it that that's the wound and you
suffer from it? Or do you love the dance? Okay
of fearing the eye leaving, keeping the eye on you,
then the eye leaving, suffering bringing it back. You know
what I'm saying, like, do you enjoy that dance? Which
again it's like the idea is like what you know
what what harms us are not our wounds, it's our

(46:18):
defenses against them, is the idea. Much like Freud the neuroses.
The repression is the neuroses. Wait wait wait wait alright, sorry.
So it's like if the eyes leave me, instead of going,
oh the eyes have left me, and here I am
and no one's looking and going I'm still alive. I'm
still here, so I can maybe have my own I

(46:39):
can maybe have some pleasure here instead of kind of
sitting in that discomfort that whatever you want to call it.
It's like, well, I better start tap dancing at a
very high frequency now to get the eyes back. And
so that is sort of my defense in childhood and
have them still. Yeah, it's like we'll get it back
by any means necessary. And you're banging on the door

(47:01):
or the funny bone. Yeah, And I think now and
it's like embarrassing almost to admit, but I feel like
now I'm trying to experience more of like, okay, you
know what, even if no one's watching, I'm watching like
I'm watching me and has value. Yeah, and also being
like oh how interesting. Like it kind of hit me.
Yesterday I was doing a quick bath, as I tend
to do four times a day, and I was like,

(47:25):
it was after I've been raging. I've been raging, tearing
through the house. And then I hung up the picture
and I washed the dish and I did some deep
breathing and I was like, look at you. Like I
actually felt I was able to be like job, Yeah,
I was able to be It's like it's reparenting. I
was able to be like, oh, wow, like look at you.
You were really upset, you did these things, you took
care of yourself, and now look there's time for a bath.

(47:46):
And I was able to read for a few minutes. Okay,
I was huge, but I was in the bath and
I was talking to myself and I was like or
I had this moment, this feeling which was robbed of
me or maybe something I haven't felt since I was
a kid and being an only child and really feeling
like oh, no one's around or something like. I had
this feeling of like, oh, I get to have a
little private show for myself of myself. Like I was like,

(48:09):
I can't quite describe it, but there was this actual
feeling of like, oh, even if no one else sees it,
I'm seeing what I'm doing and like and almost like
I get to have secrets. Not that the secrets or
anything this is huge, but I actually felt like it
was kind of a huge revelation for me to feel
that and to not feel lonely or not feel something

(48:30):
of grasping for the presence of the other. I actually
had a last night chapin I went to text you
flailing in the night. I went to text you, and
I stopped myself and I literally like spoke to God instead, Okay, okay,
well and help brilliant Yeah, no, no, no, no, I
am okay. You and me living our heads blah blah blah.

(48:50):
We think of ourselves as oh, we're the ultimate of
like you know, these interior living kind of people. Right,
we live in our heads. We think we can think
our way through everything, etcetera, etcetera. But I but I
don't always realize that you can have an interior chamber. Okay,
that is a place where like you and yourself can
be literally cozy. Okay, now now the way that I

(49:12):
define that, Like, so my discovery of that as a child.
And I feel like, because we're talking about micro it's
this is all like my book. And I'm embarrassed when
I'm recounting my own book. But whatever, who cares? Okay?
But anyway, like as a child, I had experienced this
thing a couple of things. One was like we had
desks that, you know, you could stick your hands right
in that classic school desks that you can seek your
books in and like if you put your hands and

(49:32):
no one can see them. And I used to feel
this like cozy feeling okay inside the desk about like
almost like I'm gonna move my little racer around in there,
like I'm putting on a little play of puppets. Okay,
but like where my pencil is my friend, my racers
my friend, Like even the side of this book is
my friend. Okay, and these are little like no one
can see, but I could put on a whole play
in here. And then I realized the next level, because

(49:53):
I don't even need objects that I'm trying to obscure
from view. I was like, no one can see inside
my mouth, okay, And so I was like, I can
put on a little play with my tongue inside my mouth,
with my mouth clothes and my mouth is closed, and
I'm moving my tongue around and they're dancing a little.
The right to try it close is so profound and sweet.
Dance your tongue around in there, Okay, Okay. So I

(50:14):
was like, okay, this man is like say it. I'm
like loving it. And then, of course, you know, I
guess the next level, you know, as an adult, would
be to realize that, oh you could create a place
of peace, joy, play, whatever the funk you know, joy.
I've never the words always bother me, but something right,
something intriguing can occur in the interior, interior, And I've

(50:35):
been thinking a lot recently. I've been lying there after
to me frankly, after a gummy, and by a gummy,
I mean four gummies. Okay they do yeah, Okay, it
always requires high dose of anything to have an effect.
So I'm lying there on my I guess cantha, Kanna,
I'm waiting for free bags, thank you. Um, We'll reach out,

(50:55):
We'll reach out, Okay, marijuana gummies, I want all it.
So I'm lying there and I'm like, oh my god,
can you be safe inside of your own anteriority from anything? Okay?
Now I know that it feels a little bit like
trying to avoid pain, which you know what else I don't.
I don't. I don't see that there can I go
no matter what? So I fear things like I get

(51:17):
really upset if I think someone doesn't like me or
a quote misunderstands me. Right, you know, my intention is
this you interpreted? Is this? I want to die until
I've corrected. They're imagined perception, you know, which might not
even be their perception. Right. It haunts me, okay, and
so and that's something that you know, I try to
work through whatever and get over. But it's like it's

(51:38):
almost like, okay, what if someone said I hate you? Okay,
Like can I is there a shield? Like can I
at any moment? Or or I mean it's a little
bit or like great pains like someone I love dies, Okay,
Like is there a place where you can almost go
like but I'm safe? Like, yes, I think that we
can cultivate that. And I don't think it's wrong. I

(51:59):
think it's a healthy this is I think it might
be the healthy version of dissociation. I don't see that
as like spiritual bypassing or some kind of like thing
of like avoiding pain. The pain is inevitable, suffering is inevitable.
We have pain, and so it's like, how can you
accept pain, feel pain, embrace pain, walk towards the pain,

(52:22):
and yet still have some kind of an inner fortress
or inner experience or inner world where you're able to
safely have pain like that? That's almost well, it's like
being identifying with the witness. I mean this is classic
meditation stuff, but it's like it's like there's your thoughts,
there's your emotions, as your body whatever, who's experiencing all
those Like who's who's the thinker behind the thoughts? Who's
who's seeing it all? Right? And this is a full circle.

(52:45):
This is a full circle because to meditation. Yes, the
twenty minute room, Okay, that that unfortunately I pictured as
a blank room but perhaps I can put a little
self fun blue. Yes, it can be, it can be.
I mean one thing relatedly that I always that I
thought was huge and when one of us cover around
your hands in the hands in to desk and that
that's so profound and there's so much I will say

(53:06):
the word joy. There's so much. There's so much there.
And it's like again going back to like, our life's
work is to become ourselves, right, or to like or
like to actually like what would it be to like
actually become myself or extend myself to the furthest reaches
of like my desires or my own euroses or whatever,
my own nature. Right, So all of this like and

(53:27):
by having a little puppet show in your desk, that
is a way to you know, to honor that or
to just know it's existing. It's like, right, it's well,
it is kind of like between you and God in
this way, right, it's you and you, or you could
say it's you in the universe. Like I do exist
when alone, you know, I do exist when but and
for some reason, I guess for me, it's almost like that. Yeah,

(53:49):
that felt like school and other people always felt like
just this brutal cold wind right like the second year
in school. It's like the wind of just everything and everyone,
and like it was just a way of creating a
little space, you know what it was. It was. This
is kind of interesting. It's almost like a secret or
doing anything that you're not talking about or you're not

(54:11):
sharing with other people. Literally create space that they are
not aware of, and thus created more space for yourself
to exist in because you've created a bigger world that
they can't enter. Like that's wild. And this is like
a huge thing for me, I actually think, and I've
been doing a lot of this, like pathworking stuff right
now and a lot of stuff, you know, creating mental palaces.
Not for memory, I gave that up years ago. Okay,

(54:32):
not for trying to you know, pnemonics and whatever. Okay,
Masonic palaces in the head. There's more is a different thing.
But I've been come so aware of how we like
narrow our interiority to the space of our head, like
we keep it so small, when, of course the brain
is infinite. And I think part of the reason it
feels so small is because the brain we experience this

(54:52):
little television screen in our head and we're like you
can only watch one thing at a time almost right,
So it's just coming in and you're in the present,
and it's like, know, what if I built out, piece
by piece my own little mental well live him alone,
but like but like like, and some of this gets
into my um like spiritual psychological materialism, okay, where I

(55:14):
start to fantasize about like, well, you know, then this
does become words about avoiding pain in some ways, okay,
or preparing for pain, where it's like, well, I need
to have a room where I work on my pain,
and that room in my head is gonna look like this,
and it's gonna have these quotes hanging on the wall
in my head. Okay, I'm permanently preparing myself for like
the death of my mother, because I've always been like,
when my mom dies, I'm going to kill myself, like like,

(55:34):
and that's actually something I'm only now starting to be, like,
guess what I want. You know, No, I used to
feel like it's we should commit suicide when they And
by the way, there's nothing wrong with preparing yourself for
the pain to come, or to acknowledge we have suffered,
we are suffering, we will suffer Like that it's like
rather is guarantee that is the truth. And I think

(55:54):
via meditation, like we do have to cultivate these rooms
in ourselves because we have to be able to live
in here. Yes, and also there are you know, rooms
inside yourself that you've never been that can be so
helpful or offer some kind of comfort and imagine the power.
I mean, that's all anybody was like, you just want
to feel like you're okay, and so it's like imagine

(56:15):
if being like, oh, like I actually will be okay
or wow, I'm no, No, I'm with you like I
do my knees in awe. No. No, I'm gonna work
on the interior palace and I'm going to get very
like over the top with it because I have this
whole plan which I'm gonna go outside my home. I
was thinking about this yesterday. You know who I am.
I'm sucking to lament him, Like I get an idea
and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna gonna drive it to
it's like to it's extreme. But I was thinking, like

(56:35):
I go out of my sidewalk and I'd like learn
my sidewalk, okay, like to a point of like I
know it's so well in every lamp, and then I
was gonna hang things, okay along my journey, so I
could always go on that walk alone in my head
in addition to outside. Whatever it's lamps is beautiful. It
doesn't sound great hanging like a little and then you
can take the walk and see the things that you love. Hey,
and by the way, sometimes you can only if you

(56:56):
can hang a lamp. It just can be a slow process.
But imagine then path that in your life you can
maintain or cultivate. No, it's like no one builds a
palace in their mind when you could we build palaces
like ramshackle palaces of hell okay, like cobbled together from
one trauma to the next. And it's like, what if
we used our creative visualization abilities to create something more

(57:19):
pleasing for ourselves, and then we could also do it
and we can meet on the astral plane and visit
each other's palaces, which would be heady. Hell yeah, all right,
we gotta get out of here and buy things to do.
I mean, take walks inside my brain. I want to
meditate right now. Alright, alright, enjoy yourself. That's poog. If
you enjoyed poop. Please subscribe, rate and review. If not,

(57:42):
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