March 29, 2022 • 40 mins
Not sure how to set boundaries in your life? Nedra Glover Tawwab is a licensed therapist who helps people create healthy relationships by teaching them how to implement boundaries. She speaks with Gam and her husband, Rodney, about boundary setting and how a lack of boundaries can impact relationships with others and oneself.
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Guest Information:
@nedratawwab Nedra's Instagram
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
What's up everybody. I'm Gammy and I'm her husband, Rodney,
and this is positively gam How are you doing, Babe?
Doing good? A little cold here though, Yeah, see you
should be out here with me. And our new addition
to the family, Duchess. Duchess is giving me hell. Just
(00:26):
all I can say for the listeners. Rodney and I
have a new addition to our family. We got a puppy.
I had a Chihuahua that we had that I had
for fourteen years, and Bitsy passed in October, and I
have been you know, I just I had to like
(00:48):
take a minute from that because I really loved Bitsy
a lot. I had them for fourteen years, and I
just wasn't ready to get any anything new. And then
we went on a rescue website and found Duchy and
so yeah, we we found Duchy on the SPC A
(01:08):
l A website and she is a Chihuahua terrier mix.
I can look at her and see that she's gonna
be bigger than Busy was. Busy was our chihuahua. But
she's definitely gonna be bigger than Busy was because Busy
had those little, tiny legs, those tiny delicate legs and feet.
He was only like five pounds and she's definitely chunkier
(01:32):
than that. She's almost three months old. So yeah, I'm excited.
I'm excited to have her, but it is going to
be challenging going back to that puppy stage of house breaking,
crate training, all of that, you know, but I signed
up for it. So I'm just really glad that we
could find a dog that needed a home and give
(01:53):
him one, as opposed to just getting something that everybody
else wants, as opposed to take an finding something that
nobody wanted and loving it. Right. Okay, So moving on,
I'm so excited today we have Nedra Glover to walk
her book, set boundaries and find peace. For those of
(02:14):
you who are Red Table Talk fans, she joined us
on Red Table Talk, so I am so excited to
have her back on to delve a little bit deeper
into boundaries setting because when I read the book for
a second time, I really really there were some points
that really struck me personally. So I'm excited to talk
(02:35):
to her. How do you feel about having nadal on.
This will be your first experience. I'm excited to meet
her and to hear all of her, to hear her
expertise on boundaries. I think that's really important in everyone's life,
and you know, setting them as well as adhering to them.
So I'm looking forward to it. Okay, so let's get started.
(02:56):
Here's our interview with Nedra. We're so excited to have you, Nedra.
We have Nedra Glover to wob as our guest. Ndra
is a licensed therapist, sought after relationship expert, and author
(03:16):
of Set Boundaries Fine Piece. Every day she helps people
create healthy relationships by teaching them how to implement boundaries,
and I bet we all could use some help with that.
How are you today, Nedra? I am well, how are
you all? I am so excited to have you back.
I know this is the first time Rodney has experienced you,
(03:38):
but you were and the audience may not know that
you were a guest on Red Table, and let me
tell you that experience, it just wasn't enough for me,
and I was like, I've got to have her on positively,
gam reading your book is like it's like a therapy session, truly,
It's it's so much helpful information in there and for
(04:01):
me personally, So I want to ask you what drew
you to therapy as a career path. I feel like
I have been an easy person to talk to always,
like in childhood as a teenager, I love listening to people.
I've always been a student of personal development and self help,
(04:27):
so I really naturally like to listen to people, and professionally.
I didn't grow up knowing any therapists. I knew about psychiatrists.
I knew about a lot of other things. But when
I started college and I discovered therapy, I was like,
that's it. After my first client, that first session, I
was like, Oh, this is it, Like this is what Yeah,
(04:49):
this is what I like to do. Anyway. I used
to get in trouble in school for you know, starting conversations,
to listen and you know all that stuff. So this
is very natural for me. So what made you interest
in boundaries specifically as an area to like explore and
expound on and study Again, I think this is something
(05:12):
I started early, and it's not what's taught to therapists
were not taught about the importance of boundaries assertiveness. But
boundaries can really break a lot of generational patterns that
I saw in families. I used to be a therapist
with children and foster care and their parents and so
(05:36):
many of those stories. I was just like, well, why
didn't you tell the uncle he could live here? Or
why was this? You know, I just had so many
questions because there was such a huge lack of boundaries
that I thought, you know, I wonder if we have
more information around the ability to say no to our family,
ability to say no to family, friends, and all of
(05:58):
this sort of stuff, well we be better off. But
I don't think that's the thing that's taught, because we
are often taught that saying no is mean, it's inappropriate,
is not what we should do. That's your cousin, this
is your that, And sometimes those things create bigger problems.
Like I said, I was working in foster care, so
(06:19):
some of those lack of boundaries were creating huge issue
in the family. Yeah, boundaries with family and friends can
be the most difficult. But I want to ask you, Rodney,
how do you feel about boundaries you set in work
and in your personal life. Do you think it's easier
(06:39):
for you to set boundaries and work. I think it
is easier for me to set boundaries and work. I
think it's typically easy for me anyway, I'm sort of
a private person, so I think the boundaries work in reverse.
For me. I kind of don't let people in, so
I may suffer in relationships as a result of that.
But I'm very private. But at work, you know, I
(07:01):
own a company. I actually we're kind of in the
same area. I own a mental health agency, so we
have therapists and all of those things on staff. And
you know, I find that people want their needs met,
whether it's clients, staff, whomever. So they'll typically if they
get the wrong answer from one of their direct reports,
(07:25):
they'll circumvent that process and try to come to me
to get what it is they want. And I just
think that's human nature. Most people just want, you know,
to get their needs met natur. Do you think that
there are certain personality types that find it more difficult
to set boundaries personality types? Absolutely. I have been asked
(07:48):
if there are certain boundary differences between men and women,
and Botty was speaking, I was like, I hear men
being more assertive, and we know that for women it
could be really challenging to set boundaries in the workspace.
In families, you know, you'd be labeled the me auntie.
(08:10):
You you know, you'd be labeled the mean lady at work.
You know, all of this sort of stuff, and that
really gets to women in a way that it just
doesn't get to me. And I can't even think of
like parenting. You know, women feel some sort of way
about denying their child to extra piece of candy. You know.
The dad is just like, no, that's it, and you're like, oh,
(08:33):
but it's just a kid cat, you know, it's just
something about us. And I just be wanting to take
it out and throw it away sometime, like just take
this bleeding heart out. I don't want it. So when
I went over the book again, something's really stuck out
(08:57):
to me for me personally, and I don't think that
before I read the book that I ever thought about
setting boundaries on how you respond and react two things
is a choice. I never thought about that in that way.
(09:19):
And let me give you an example. This is something
that Rodney and I have been dealing with in our
relationship and some boundaries that he has set with me.
Because when I get angry, the way I respond is
to holler and cuss. So I'm going to scream at you,
(09:40):
holler at you, and I'm probably gonna cuss you out.
Rodney doesn't tolerate that, but that's what I'm used to doing.
And I never realized that until I listened to your book.
That is a choice that I've made to respond that way,
and that I can make a choice to respond differently.
(10:03):
And it's been a struggle for me because Rodney does
not tolerate that, and so I had to find another way.
But in me trying to find another way, I told him,
you remember, Rodney, I said, well, you're preventing me from
expressing my anger. So I feel like that's gonna be
detrimental to me because now I'm gonna be have all
(10:26):
this anger inside of me that I can't get out
because you don't want me to yell at you. But
that's but I'm releasing that emotion, right, That's yeah, but
exactly exactly. And I had to really when I read
(10:47):
the book, I had to really think about it because
I'm like, well, I don't throw things, I don't hit him,
so I'm making a choice to holler. I'm making a
choice not to hit them, or not to hit anybody
that I'm angry with, you know what I mean. And
I never thought about it that way. Can you recommend
ways for people to find ways to set boundaries on
(11:12):
how they react and respond to things. How do you
train yourself? I guess here's my question. I wonder sometimes
when we respond with anger, with yelling, with hitting, with
punching holes in the wall and those sort of things,
how is that different from kicking our shoes off in
(11:34):
a restaurant if we get upset? How is that different
from you know, road rage? How is that different from
all these things that we're actually controlling ourselves, you know,
these scenarios, we're controlling our behavior. So why in this
situation am I now making the choice with this safe
person that I love to really let it out on them.
(11:57):
If I can control myself in a restaurant, in the
car when I'm talking to you know, my friend, I
can control myself with this person too, And a lot
of those tools are going to be the same. There's
something you're telling yourself in those moments. There's another behavior
you're tapping into other than cousin and screaming. So whatever
(12:19):
you're doing in those scenarios, you can apply it here.
But I think you can get your anger out by
speaking about it using different words, because it's not just anger.
It's frustration, is feeling hurt, it's sadness. It's a lot
of stuff in there. And if we say just anger,
(12:39):
I think of anger as this emotion that's a safe
and easy go to and it seems so hardcore to
be angry. I mean, it's just like I'm angry, and
it's like, yes, but don't you want to cry to No,
You're so right, so right, because that's what I'll be
trying to explain to him that I'm frustrated. I have
so many emotion is going on right now. I know
(13:02):
you want to say something, Rodney. I think it's I
think it's learned behavior too. I think that that is
how you let me finish. I think that is how
you responded in previous relationships, so when you heard similar
or when you were confronted with certain conversation a lot
(13:23):
of times. I think it was a defense mechanism as
well as just this is how I respond in this
situation typically, and didn't really give a lot of thought
to it. It's just you say this. I say that
I don't, you know, I don't feel like you and
I would always have to remind you, hey, we're just
having conversations like we're not arguing. I don't, I'm not.
(13:47):
This is not anything to argue about. We're just having conversation,
and why are you getting so elevated? And then you
would kind of like okay, yeah, you're right, or we
would not be able to have the conversation because I
wouldn't talk to you when you were like that, And
then an hour or two later you'd come back and
you say, you know, I thought about it, and we
(14:08):
were able to have that conversation, you know, like like
human beings, right, But what was it about you or
what were you feeling? I mean, why was that a boundary?
Because your boundary was You're not going to talk to
me that way because I feel like I require and
deserve a level of respect and I'm not gonna treat
(14:31):
you in that way. And but nor am I going
to allow you or anyone else to kind of you know,
talk to me and to mean me and that way
and that way either. And I felt like most of
the time, nine of the time, we weren't talking about
anything that required a response of anger and frustration. It
was I disagree with that. I disagree with that a
(14:52):
lot of time, and I feel like that. There's a
little bit of gas lighting in there. You're deciding for
me what's important and what I huh, I didn't say
it wasn't important. I said it didn't require that level
of elevation. So what I hear is you you all
(15:13):
respond in different ways, right for you, Rodney, It seems
like there are certain situations that require this, and there
are certain situations that could be here. And I wonder,
you know, because we express feelings in different ways. My
situations that you may think are here could be here, right,
(15:34):
Like all we all feel different things at different times.
But if there's a situation where you are yelling and screaming,
how else can that be expressed? Y'alling is screaming to
me in the case, I want to be heard. I
want to be heard. Listen to me. What I'm saying
(15:55):
is important. Please don't dismiss me. I will say it louder,
I will scream, I will cuss, I would do everything
for you to hear me, right, I agree? Yeah, And
I do think that you know, in my previous relationships
and growing up looking back over over, because I'm the
(16:16):
youngest and I do have a history of just feeling
like I was never heard that my opinions weren't respected
or people didn't really feel like I had anything to say.
Mm hmm. So that could explain why I react the
(16:36):
way I do. And you are right, Rodney, I would
that is a behavior I was used to. But when
you first said it that it was learned, I thought
you meant that I had learned that I saw that
in like maybe my parents or something like that, and
that wasn't true because they didn't argue at all. So yeah, okay,
so that makes sense to me, Nedra that yeah, that
(16:58):
I'm feeling like I'm not being heard, and so I
get very elevated. I wonder if the boundary for you,
Gammy is I need to feel heard. So when we're talking,
this is what I need from you, And what are
those things like, you know, I contact you to put
a hand on my leg YouTube, give vocal indication that
(17:22):
you understand, like I understand you, I hear you, like,
what are those things so that I'm not you know,
going back to this behavior yelling, because I see that
you are listening to me, that you are valuing what
I'm saying in these moments. I don't even think it
was that with Rodney. I think I just automatically went there.
(17:43):
There's a lot of different emotions happening at the same time,
So there's frustration, there's anger, there's hurt, there's all of
those emotions, and so I immediately go into that high
level of response. And I'm just retraining myself now because
I see that where it was acceptable with other people,
(18:05):
it's not acceptable with him. And he's actually correct that
we hear each other better if we're talking and if
I'm not screaming, and if I'm calm, then I can
hear him and he can hear me. So but it
still doesn't happen. I mean, it was almost like a
guarantee it at one point when we first got together,
(18:28):
and it doesn't happen that often anymore. So No, I'm
doing so much better. Natural. What is your advice for
setting boundaries with getting other family members involved in relationships?
(18:51):
Like you know, I don't necessarily, we don't necessarily think
it's a good idea. When you may have well, I
would say other family and friends into personal relationship issues,
and then everybody's got to put their two cents into it.
I don't think that's such a good idea. I think
it's a terrible idea because what happens is we are
(19:14):
still very mad at Rodney. Meanwhile, you and Ronnie holding hands,
y'all going on vacation, and I'm still thinking about two
years ago when Ronnie came over here and you were
so mad you left the house. I can't get over
it like you, because I'm not having all of these
positive experiences with your partner. And so if you really
(19:36):
want me to be fair and balanced in your relationships,
there are some things that I don't need to know
about your relationship because that is your information. Perhaps to
work out for sure with your partner, maybe with the therapist,
maybe there is some other person in your life. But
with your close friends and family that could be tough
(19:58):
because they don't let things go like you do. Yeah, yeah,
What advice do you share with your clients when they
come to you and say they don't have good boundaries
in general with their family or close friends. I give
you an example about I have a friend, Well, I've
had I've had this a couple of times in my
life where friends have come to borrow money, right, and
(20:25):
you know I would do it a couple of times,
and I already understand that typically if I'm lending money,
I already have in my mind that I'm not gonna
get it back, So I'm not going to lend you
anything that if I can't afford to do it. But still,
I felt like this person was constantly coming borrowing money,
(20:47):
and I just it's just not a good idea. I
didn't want the friendship to be based on that. I
didn't feel like, I'm not the bank. I'm not. I
don't want anyone to rely on me for that, you know,
I'm not the fixer, And so setting a boundary with
that was it was difficult for me because they were friends,
(21:09):
and I kind of ended up putting it on Rodney.
Why know back my husband's boundary and I want mine back.
You need all your wants, But how do you how
do you deal with those situations? I think you mentioned bank,
(21:32):
and I think about a bank. When you want to
borrow money from the bank, they have a loan application, correct, yes,
what's on your loan application? Like I just wonder, like,
what is your criteria for loaning money? And that's what
I talked to, Like when they getting these situations of
loaning money, what is your criteria you are only helping
(21:54):
these situations. You will only go up to this mount.
It has to be paid bye by this time. The
person has to actually have a relationship with you where
they check on you, you check on them like it
is some healthy back and forth happening. Here is this
a crisis? Like, what is your criteria for loaning people money?
(22:17):
Most of us go into it with no criteria. We
just trust in the person. You know, here's two hundred dollars.
Just give it back to me when you can. I
don't know a bill collector on this earth that puts
when you can on a bill that's not stape. They
wanted by the fifteenth if after the fifteenth is twenty
dollars extra, What is your criteria? If you're going to
(22:40):
loan the money, you have to go into it with
This is my expectation, and sometimes it's you know, I
understand this is a tough situation, particularly when we're helping
people through a crisis. I'm not loaning this money. I'm
giving you a gift. You know, you can say that
to people so they're not dodging you, or you know,
(23:01):
all of these interesting things people do when they owe
your money. But if you want to loan, go into
it with these are my boundaries, and this is my expectation.
Got it? Got it? Yeah? I never did that. I
never felt like I have to say that. I never
felt like the asp was frivolous. There was always a need,
(23:23):
but I did not have any I never even asked
to be paid back. I never even asked for that
because I just feel like if people are asking for it,
they probably just don't have it anyway. So I never
even asked for the money back. I just typically don't
do that. And now I just don't loan money anymore.
I just got to that point where I just I
(23:45):
don't do it. Let's talk just a little bit about
why it is difficult. What is it that makes it
so difficult to set boundaries with close friends and family
(24:09):
in particular, I find that so difficult. We care about
the relationship and we care what the person things, and
with family, the relationships are so intertwined. If you upset
this one person, it upsets five people. If you say
no to this one person, they're gonna call it a mama.
(24:31):
Then their mama gonna be calling your mama, and then
the aunts yado, and I mean, the stuff is just
so connected where it's just like, yeah, you could come
stay over here because you rather not even here the
whole thing about it. But you need to be in
the person, the person, and the most of us need
to be the person in the family, because there is
one of most families where you know, you know, no,
(24:54):
not uncle or not aunt, like they are very clear,
no we I don't cook for Thanksgiving. You know, it's like, no,
you cannot come over here with your dog, like they
are very clear about these things. How do you become
hopefully one of many people who can speak those things
(25:14):
and not necessarily just not care because we do care,
but so speak those things, care and continue to speak
them because there are some things that you don't like.
There are some preferences that you do have, and it
should certainly be okay to have those preferences in the
relationships with the people that we are closest to to
(25:36):
the relationships that we really value. I don't want to
be known well by a bunch of strangers. I want
the people who live in my home, the people who
you know I talked to most often, to understand who
I am. So when you set boundaries with people, is
it a matter of when you're setting the boundaries that
(25:58):
you're explaining the why is that? Is that helpful? Is
that necessary? That can be challenging, particularly in families, because
they can talk you right out of that. Why they
know a lot of stuff about you and your history
and who you dated before Ronney and how they helped
(26:20):
you one time with your graduation dress. I mean, just
all this stuff. So if you start getting into stuff,
people will pull their stuff out too. And so is
it useful to give an explanation, because sometimes that explanation
can really pull our boundary apart. If you say I
don't want to come to your party because my car
(26:40):
is in the shop, they say, we'll call it uber man,
not to call it uber. You just didn't want to
go to the party like that was the response, And
so creating all these other things will then again put
you in a situation that you didn't want to be here.
So then is it more about just knowing what you
want and what your limits are and just standing strong
(27:05):
in that and being plain and simple. It's just it's
adult behavior in families. What typically happens. I am the
youngest child, and I am the youngest cousin of all
My first cousins, and so I get a lot of
old little Madre, you know, just yeah, and you and
(27:30):
and them them seeing me as an adult that you know,
they kind of clear the path because I'm making these
statements of like no, I don't want It's like, okay,
she has a voice. But people will remind you of
your role in the family. We know that the baby
is supposed to like listen to all these big people.
We know that the oldest is supposed to tell everybody
(27:53):
what to do. So those roles around we are now
like making waves. And so it is okay to do
that because whether you are the forty year old baby
or you know, the fifty year old baby, you're still
an adult. You're a baby adult. So I'm not a
baby twelve year old. Now I'm an adult and I
(28:17):
have some understanding of what I want for my life.
I am the oldest, but I am an adult. I
am the middle, I'm an adult. I'm a cousin, but
I'm somebody mama. You know, you have to really assert
your yourself in a family system. Yeah, Ronnie, did you
I see you shaking your head? Did you want to
(28:37):
add something to any of that? Yeah, I was just
thinking that. You know, a lot of times it's you
don't have boundaries, or let me speak for myself, in
certain situations, I don't have boundaries because I'm I'm concerned
about what other people think, and it's it's more so
putting myself first and foremost, and you know not that
(29:00):
I'm not concerned the most important person in the room.
Got it? So that makes it easier for you when
you think about it in those terms you mean, got it?
Does that make sense, Nidra? Absolutely, And that's the energy
that most people have when they are setting boundaries with you.
They are the most important person in the room, and
(29:20):
we have to think about not only how this impacts
other people, but how does this impact me? Okay, So
the last boundary that I really want to get into
because once again and reading the book, it really brought
up some personal emotions and some understanding about myself, and
(29:41):
that is boundaries that you set for yourself, right, and
it involves people pleasing and self betrayal and self sabotage.
And I think when I read it, I didn't even
realize my own behavior right, my own negative talk and
(30:02):
the thoughts that go on in my head that contribute
to my low self esteem issues, right, and like making
disparaging comments about myself to myself and to others. Like
I just didn't even realize until that's what I said.
(30:25):
Reading your book was like a therapy session. So give
me an example of you doing that, say like saying something.
I do it all the time. I'm constantly telling myself,
oh you, I can't do that. I can't do that.
I listen something as simple as I took and I
(30:46):
just rewatched the tape the other day. I'm I'm a stepper, right,
a Chicago stepper. I love dance, and I recently took
a private dance lesson an instructive who's dance I really admire.
And he was talking to me and showing me some
(31:07):
steps that I could incorporate into my dance that would
change my dance. And I was like, oh, well, I
don't I think I could only do it now because
you were counting it out for me. If you weren't counting,
I wouldn't have been able to do that. And he
was like, what are you saying? You just did it?
How about let me show you that I can do
(31:29):
it without you counting. I automatically went into I can't
do that, And I'm constantly telling myself that I'm not
a good dancer. I can't do this, I can't do that. Oh,
they don't want to hear me, they don't want to
see me. It was very difficult for me even to
like just to transition into red tape, but was very challenging.
(31:50):
I mean it still is. I just have this negative
talk in my head that I don't think that people
really want to hear what I have to say. I
don't know what I'm talking about, Like, oh, just god,
all this negative talk. When I hear those cants, I
think about all the things that you've already achieved and accomplished.
(32:13):
I don't know if you remember this about yourself, but
perhaps you remember it about Jada or Willow or Jaden.
How we can't do a lot of stuff. We can't walk,
we can't talk, we can't hold our heads up, we
can't Oh my gosh. We are born with knts, and
every time we master it, it's a victory. Little kids
(32:37):
are often I mean, you you ever see a baby
find their hand, how wonder it is. It's just like
just buttoning their shirt. It's like, oh my gosh, I
just come here, come look. I just but my I
think about all of the things that we haven't been
able to do and all of the things that we master,
Like that just makes that just warms my heart to
(32:59):
think about how wonderful we are and how we do
have the ability always to learn something new, to apply
something different. We're already accomplished. You've already done a lot.
If you could curl your own hair, you're a master,
because there's a lot of people who can't. So there
are so many things that we can do and that
(33:20):
can't is not necessary and it's not useful. Yeah, And
that that I can't narrative that I constantly have in
my head is very discouraging and it's really tiresome and
I'm getting tired of my damn self. But you can
because you you're constantly learning stuff. You're doing real table,
(33:41):
you're on a podcast. So it's like you're saying can't,
but I see your behavior doing something else. Yeah, So
I guess I have to learn how to be more
gentle and kind to myself. Yeah, that's who you need
to cuss out that voice in your head, because you
(34:03):
need to cuss out that can't voice in your hand.
As we start wrapping up of this, a couple of
things that I want to bring up. You said in
your book too, was that boundary setting is never about
other people. It is about yourself. And I think that's important,
(34:26):
that's really important to understand. So if I'm setting a boundary,
it's about me, it's not about you. If I'm setting
a boundary with you, it doesn't have anything to do
with you. It has to do with me. Because I
had a situation where I was setting some boundaries for
myself with other people, right, other people in my life,
(34:50):
but it didn't have anything to do necessarily with the
other people. It had to do with me, right, And
that was really hard for other people to understand. But
your boundaries are really for you, for and about you.
I think about the example you just use in terms
of like drinking. Right, So if you say to your
(35:13):
group of friends, hey, I'm not drinking socially anymore. I'm
I'm gonna cut back, I don't want to drink now,
some people they will personalize at all, and nothing wrong
with that. Is absolutely a boundary that's for you. You're
not in that space trying to say, you know, you
can't do what you can't do what you can't do it,
But for me and for what I want for my life,
(35:33):
I am choosing not to do this. It is not
an indictment on what you choose to do in your life.
Thank you so much, Nedra for joining running. And you
have a bunch of resources on your website, including this
fantastic book, Set Boundaries. Fine piece. I'm telling you, Set Boundaries,
find Peace. Do yourself a favor and pick up a
(35:56):
copy of this book or listen to get it on audio.
I'm telling you it is a I'm telling you it
is life changing. Tell people where they can find you
on social media to learn more about you and boundary setting, Nadra.
I am on most social media platforms, but in particular
Instagram at natural wob Thank you so much, Nadra, Thank
(36:21):
you so much. You're welcome. Always a pleasure. That was
a really great conversation with Nadra. Wasn't a babe, It
absolutely was. Yeah. I mean, I'm telling you to the listeners,
this book is life changing and I would seriously, seriously
(36:43):
encourage you to get it. But moving on, we have
some fan questions to answer, Babe. The fans want to
know who is your favorite sports team? So I'm a
big basketball fan, but I don't really have a team.
I just love the game football. It'll have to be
because I'm from Baltimore. It's the Ravens, but I also
(37:05):
like the Los Angeles Rams. Yeah, since you're yeah, since
we're back, I'm half and half. Yeah, you're half and
half were by Coastal So well, I and I actually
don't have a favorite I don't have a favorite team,
but my favorite sport is basketball. That is my favorite sport. Okay.
(37:30):
And then the second question is what is your favorite
your favorite trait about your partner? Mm hmm, good luck
on that. I'd have to say that you're my best friend,
that that friend trait that you have. H being a
friend is not a trait, okay, but anyway, but anyway,
(37:55):
because my answer is not really a trade either. It's
the favorite. It's what I like about you. Yeah, yeah,
my favorite thing about So we're gonna change the change
the question a little. Yeah. So I think the thing
that I like about you the best when it comes
to me is that you and I've said this before,
(38:18):
I love that you accept me as I am right.
And that doesn't mean that there's no room for growth.
In me, and there's not things that I need to change,
but at the at the core, you love me for
who I am and that is extremely extremely important to
me because that has not been my experience in the past,
(38:40):
at least that's not what I felt in the past
from other partners. So I thoroughly appreciate that from you.
And then there is a trait, Uh, there is a
traite in you that that I like to and that
is I do like your your calm, your typically typically
you are a person until I started driving. Yeah, now
(39:03):
that that's a whole different thing because you too, you're
off the table when it goes to drive. You think
you're on a race weight all the time, and you're not. Yeah.
But so those are the things that I like about
you the best. And that's our show for this week.
(39:24):
That is Positively Gam. You can follow me online at
Gammy Norris and you can follow me at I Am
Rodney Norris. Help us out by leaving a five star
review on I Heart Radio app or Apple podcast, and
by hitting the follow button on Spotify. You can submit
your questions to positively Gam at red table talk dot
(39:47):
com for a chance to hear me answer them on
a future episode. Stay grateful y'all, and thanks for listening.
Talk to you later, Babe. Positively gam is produced by
Red Table Talk podcast S and I Heart Radio. Executive
producers are Adrian Banfield, Naris Balin, Jethro and Jada Pinkett Smith.
(40:08):
Our audio engineer is Calvin Bailiff, and our associate producer
is Irene bischoff Berger. Our theme song is produced by
d BAT
What's up everybody. I'm Gammy and I'm her husband, Rodney,
and this is positively gam How are you doing, Babe?
Doing good? A little cold here though, Yeah, see you
should be out here with me. And our new addition
to the family, Duchess. Duchess is giving me hell. Just
(00:26):
all I can say for the listeners. Rodney and I
have a new addition to our family. We got a puppy.
I had a Chihuahua that we had that I had
for fourteen years, and Bitsy passed in October, and I
have been you know, I just I had to like
(00:48):
take a minute from that because I really loved Bitsy
a lot. I had them for fourteen years, and I
just wasn't ready to get any anything new. And then
we went on a rescue website and found Duchy and
so yeah, we we found Duchy on the SPC A
(01:08):
l A website and she is a Chihuahua terrier mix.
I can look at her and see that she's gonna
be bigger than Busy was. Busy was our chihuahua. But
she's definitely gonna be bigger than Busy was because Busy
had those little, tiny legs, those tiny delicate legs and feet.
He was only like five pounds and she's definitely chunkier
(01:32):
than that. She's almost three months old. So yeah, I'm excited.
I'm excited to have her, but it is going to
be challenging going back to that puppy stage of house breaking,
crate training, all of that, you know, but I signed
up for it. So I'm just really glad that we
could find a dog that needed a home and give
(01:53):
him one, as opposed to just getting something that everybody
else wants, as opposed to take an finding something that
nobody wanted and loving it. Right. Okay, So moving on,
I'm so excited today we have Nedra Glover to walk
her book, set boundaries and find peace. For those of
(02:14):
you who are Red Table Talk fans, she joined us
on Red Table Talk, so I am so excited to
have her back on to delve a little bit deeper
into boundaries setting because when I read the book for
a second time, I really really there were some points
that really struck me personally. So I'm excited to talk
(02:35):
to her. How do you feel about having nadal on.
This will be your first experience. I'm excited to meet
her and to hear all of her, to hear her
expertise on boundaries. I think that's really important in everyone's life,
and you know, setting them as well as adhering to them.
So I'm looking forward to it. Okay, so let's get started.
(02:56):
Here's our interview with Nedra. We're so excited to have you, Nedra.
We have Nedra Glover to wob as our guest. Ndra
is a licensed therapist, sought after relationship expert, and author
(03:16):
of Set Boundaries Fine Piece. Every day she helps people
create healthy relationships by teaching them how to implement boundaries,
and I bet we all could use some help with that.
How are you today, Nedra? I am well, how are
you all? I am so excited to have you back.
I know this is the first time Rodney has experienced you,
(03:38):
but you were and the audience may not know that
you were a guest on Red Table, and let me
tell you that experience, it just wasn't enough for me,
and I was like, I've got to have her on positively,
gam reading your book is like it's like a therapy session, truly,
It's it's so much helpful information in there and for
(04:01):
me personally, So I want to ask you what drew
you to therapy as a career path. I feel like
I have been an easy person to talk to always,
like in childhood as a teenager, I love listening to people.
I've always been a student of personal development and self help,
(04:27):
so I really naturally like to listen to people, and professionally.
I didn't grow up knowing any therapists. I knew about psychiatrists.
I knew about a lot of other things. But when
I started college and I discovered therapy, I was like,
that's it. After my first client, that first session, I
was like, Oh, this is it, Like this is what Yeah,
(04:49):
this is what I like to do. Anyway. I used
to get in trouble in school for you know, starting conversations,
to listen and you know all that stuff. So this
is very natural for me. So what made you interest
in boundaries specifically as an area to like explore and
expound on and study Again, I think this is something
(05:12):
I started early, and it's not what's taught to therapists
were not taught about the importance of boundaries assertiveness. But
boundaries can really break a lot of generational patterns that
I saw in families. I used to be a therapist
with children and foster care and their parents and so
(05:36):
many of those stories. I was just like, well, why
didn't you tell the uncle he could live here? Or
why was this? You know, I just had so many
questions because there was such a huge lack of boundaries
that I thought, you know, I wonder if we have
more information around the ability to say no to our family,
ability to say no to family, friends, and all of
(05:58):
this sort of stuff, well we be better off. But
I don't think that's the thing that's taught, because we
are often taught that saying no is mean, it's inappropriate,
is not what we should do. That's your cousin, this
is your that, And sometimes those things create bigger problems.
Like I said, I was working in foster care, so
(06:19):
some of those lack of boundaries were creating huge issue
in the family. Yeah, boundaries with family and friends can
be the most difficult. But I want to ask you, Rodney,
how do you feel about boundaries you set in work
and in your personal life. Do you think it's easier
(06:39):
for you to set boundaries and work. I think it
is easier for me to set boundaries and work. I
think it's typically easy for me anyway, I'm sort of
a private person, so I think the boundaries work in reverse.
For me. I kind of don't let people in, so
I may suffer in relationships as a result of that.
But I'm very private. But at work, you know, I
(07:01):
own a company. I actually we're kind of in the
same area. I own a mental health agency, so we
have therapists and all of those things on staff. And
you know, I find that people want their needs met,
whether it's clients, staff, whomever. So they'll typically if they
get the wrong answer from one of their direct reports,
(07:25):
they'll circumvent that process and try to come to me
to get what it is they want. And I just
think that's human nature. Most people just want, you know,
to get their needs met natur. Do you think that
there are certain personality types that find it more difficult
to set boundaries personality types? Absolutely. I have been asked
(07:48):
if there are certain boundary differences between men and women,
and Botty was speaking, I was like, I hear men
being more assertive, and we know that for women it
could be really challenging to set boundaries in the workspace.
In families, you know, you'd be labeled the me auntie.
(08:10):
You you know, you'd be labeled the mean lady at work.
You know, all of this sort of stuff, and that
really gets to women in a way that it just
doesn't get to me. And I can't even think of
like parenting. You know, women feel some sort of way
about denying their child to extra piece of candy. You know.
The dad is just like, no, that's it, and you're like, oh,
(08:33):
but it's just a kid cat, you know, it's just
something about us. And I just be wanting to take
it out and throw it away sometime, like just take
this bleeding heart out. I don't want it. So when
I went over the book again, something's really stuck out
(08:57):
to me for me personally, and I don't think that
before I read the book that I ever thought about
setting boundaries on how you respond and react two things
is a choice. I never thought about that in that way.
(09:19):
And let me give you an example. This is something
that Rodney and I have been dealing with in our
relationship and some boundaries that he has set with me.
Because when I get angry, the way I respond is
to holler and cuss. So I'm going to scream at you,
(09:40):
holler at you, and I'm probably gonna cuss you out.
Rodney doesn't tolerate that, but that's what I'm used to doing.
And I never realized that until I listened to your book.
That is a choice that I've made to respond that way,
and that I can make a choice to respond differently.
(10:03):
And it's been a struggle for me because Rodney does
not tolerate that, and so I had to find another way.
But in me trying to find another way, I told him,
you remember, Rodney, I said, well, you're preventing me from
expressing my anger. So I feel like that's gonna be
detrimental to me because now I'm gonna be have all
(10:26):
this anger inside of me that I can't get out
because you don't want me to yell at you. But
that's but I'm releasing that emotion, right, That's yeah, but
exactly exactly. And I had to really when I read
(10:47):
the book, I had to really think about it because
I'm like, well, I don't throw things, I don't hit him,
so I'm making a choice to holler. I'm making a
choice not to hit them, or not to hit anybody
that I'm angry with, you know what I mean. And
I never thought about it that way. Can you recommend
ways for people to find ways to set boundaries on
(11:12):
how they react and respond to things. How do you
train yourself? I guess here's my question. I wonder sometimes
when we respond with anger, with yelling, with hitting, with
punching holes in the wall and those sort of things,
how is that different from kicking our shoes off in
(11:34):
a restaurant if we get upset? How is that different
from you know, road rage? How is that different from
all these things that we're actually controlling ourselves, you know,
these scenarios, we're controlling our behavior. So why in this
situation am I now making the choice with this safe
person that I love to really let it out on them.
(11:57):
If I can control myself in a restaurant, in the
car when I'm talking to you know, my friend, I
can control myself with this person too, And a lot
of those tools are going to be the same. There's
something you're telling yourself in those moments. There's another behavior
you're tapping into other than cousin and screaming. So whatever
(12:19):
you're doing in those scenarios, you can apply it here.
But I think you can get your anger out by
speaking about it using different words, because it's not just anger.
It's frustration, is feeling hurt, it's sadness. It's a lot
of stuff in there. And if we say just anger,
(12:39):
I think of anger as this emotion that's a safe
and easy go to and it seems so hardcore to
be angry. I mean, it's just like I'm angry, and
it's like, yes, but don't you want to cry to No,
You're so right, so right, because that's what I'll be
trying to explain to him that I'm frustrated. I have
so many emotion is going on right now. I know
(13:02):
you want to say something, Rodney. I think it's I
think it's learned behavior too. I think that that is
how you let me finish. I think that is how
you responded in previous relationships, so when you heard similar
or when you were confronted with certain conversation a lot
(13:23):
of times. I think it was a defense mechanism as
well as just this is how I respond in this
situation typically, and didn't really give a lot of thought
to it. It's just you say this. I say that
I don't, you know, I don't feel like you and
I would always have to remind you, hey, we're just
having conversations like we're not arguing. I don't, I'm not.
(13:47):
This is not anything to argue about. We're just having conversation,
and why are you getting so elevated? And then you
would kind of like okay, yeah, you're right, or we
would not be able to have the conversation because I
wouldn't talk to you when you were like that, And
then an hour or two later you'd come back and
you say, you know, I thought about it, and we
(14:08):
were able to have that conversation, you know, like like
human beings, right, But what was it about you or
what were you feeling? I mean, why was that a boundary?
Because your boundary was You're not going to talk to
me that way because I feel like I require and
deserve a level of respect and I'm not gonna treat
(14:31):
you in that way. And but nor am I going
to allow you or anyone else to kind of you know,
talk to me and to mean me and that way
and that way either. And I felt like most of
the time, nine of the time, we weren't talking about
anything that required a response of anger and frustration. It
was I disagree with that. I disagree with that a
(14:52):
lot of time, and I feel like that. There's a
little bit of gas lighting in there. You're deciding for
me what's important and what I huh, I didn't say
it wasn't important. I said it didn't require that level
of elevation. So what I hear is you you all
(15:13):
respond in different ways, right for you, Rodney, It seems
like there are certain situations that require this, and there
are certain situations that could be here. And I wonder,
you know, because we express feelings in different ways. My
situations that you may think are here could be here, right,
(15:34):
Like all we all feel different things at different times.
But if there's a situation where you are yelling and screaming,
how else can that be expressed? Y'alling is screaming to
me in the case, I want to be heard. I
want to be heard. Listen to me. What I'm saying
(15:55):
is important. Please don't dismiss me. I will say it louder,
I will scream, I will cuss, I would do everything
for you to hear me, right, I agree? Yeah, And
I do think that you know, in my previous relationships
and growing up looking back over over, because I'm the
(16:16):
youngest and I do have a history of just feeling
like I was never heard that my opinions weren't respected
or people didn't really feel like I had anything to say.
Mm hmm. So that could explain why I react the
(16:36):
way I do. And you are right, Rodney, I would
that is a behavior I was used to. But when
you first said it that it was learned, I thought
you meant that I had learned that I saw that
in like maybe my parents or something like that, and
that wasn't true because they didn't argue at all. So yeah, okay,
so that makes sense to me, Nedra that yeah, that
(16:58):
I'm feeling like I'm not being heard, and so I
get very elevated. I wonder if the boundary for you,
Gammy is I need to feel heard. So when we're talking,
this is what I need from you, And what are
those things like, you know, I contact you to put
a hand on my leg YouTube, give vocal indication that
(17:22):
you understand, like I understand you, I hear you, like,
what are those things so that I'm not you know,
going back to this behavior yelling, because I see that
you are listening to me, that you are valuing what
I'm saying in these moments. I don't even think it
was that with Rodney. I think I just automatically went there.
(17:43):
There's a lot of different emotions happening at the same time,
So there's frustration, there's anger, there's hurt, there's all of
those emotions, and so I immediately go into that high
level of response. And I'm just retraining myself now because
I see that where it was acceptable with other people,
(18:05):
it's not acceptable with him. And he's actually correct that
we hear each other better if we're talking and if
I'm not screaming, and if I'm calm, then I can
hear him and he can hear me. So but it
still doesn't happen. I mean, it was almost like a
guarantee it at one point when we first got together,
(18:28):
and it doesn't happen that often anymore. So No, I'm
doing so much better. Natural. What is your advice for
setting boundaries with getting other family members involved in relationships?
(18:51):
Like you know, I don't necessarily, we don't necessarily think
it's a good idea. When you may have well, I
would say other family and friends into personal relationship issues,
and then everybody's got to put their two cents into it.
I don't think that's such a good idea. I think
it's a terrible idea because what happens is we are
(19:14):
still very mad at Rodney. Meanwhile, you and Ronnie holding hands,
y'all going on vacation, and I'm still thinking about two
years ago when Ronnie came over here and you were
so mad you left the house. I can't get over
it like you, because I'm not having all of these
positive experiences with your partner. And so if you really
(19:36):
want me to be fair and balanced in your relationships,
there are some things that I don't need to know
about your relationship because that is your information. Perhaps to
work out for sure with your partner, maybe with the therapist,
maybe there is some other person in your life. But
with your close friends and family that could be tough
(19:58):
because they don't let things go like you do. Yeah, yeah,
What advice do you share with your clients when they
come to you and say they don't have good boundaries
in general with their family or close friends. I give
you an example about I have a friend, Well, I've
had I've had this a couple of times in my
life where friends have come to borrow money, right, and
(20:25):
you know I would do it a couple of times,
and I already understand that typically if I'm lending money,
I already have in my mind that I'm not gonna
get it back, So I'm not going to lend you
anything that if I can't afford to do it. But still,
I felt like this person was constantly coming borrowing money,
(20:47):
and I just it's just not a good idea. I
didn't want the friendship to be based on that. I
didn't feel like, I'm not the bank. I'm not. I
don't want anyone to rely on me for that, you know,
I'm not the fixer, And so setting a boundary with
that was it was difficult for me because they were friends,
(21:09):
and I kind of ended up putting it on Rodney.
Why know back my husband's boundary and I want mine back.
You need all your wants, But how do you how
do you deal with those situations? I think you mentioned bank,
(21:32):
and I think about a bank. When you want to
borrow money from the bank, they have a loan application, correct, yes,
what's on your loan application? Like I just wonder, like,
what is your criteria for loaning money? And that's what
I talked to, Like when they getting these situations of
loaning money, what is your criteria you are only helping
(21:54):
these situations. You will only go up to this mount.
It has to be paid bye by this time. The
person has to actually have a relationship with you where
they check on you, you check on them like it
is some healthy back and forth happening. Here is this
a crisis? Like, what is your criteria for loaning people money?
(22:17):
Most of us go into it with no criteria. We
just trust in the person. You know, here's two hundred dollars.
Just give it back to me when you can. I
don't know a bill collector on this earth that puts
when you can on a bill that's not stape. They
wanted by the fifteenth if after the fifteenth is twenty
dollars extra, What is your criteria? If you're going to
(22:40):
loan the money, you have to go into it with
This is my expectation, and sometimes it's you know, I
understand this is a tough situation, particularly when we're helping
people through a crisis. I'm not loaning this money. I'm
giving you a gift. You know, you can say that
to people so they're not dodging you, or you know,
(23:01):
all of these interesting things people do when they owe
your money. But if you want to loan, go into
it with these are my boundaries, and this is my expectation.
Got it? Got it? Yeah? I never did that. I
never felt like I have to say that. I never
felt like the asp was frivolous. There was always a need,
(23:23):
but I did not have any I never even asked
to be paid back. I never even asked for that
because I just feel like if people are asking for it,
they probably just don't have it anyway. So I never
even asked for the money back. I just typically don't
do that. And now I just don't loan money anymore.
I just got to that point where I just I
(23:45):
don't do it. Let's talk just a little bit about
why it is difficult. What is it that makes it
so difficult to set boundaries with close friends and family
(24:09):
in particular, I find that so difficult. We care about
the relationship and we care what the person things, and
with family, the relationships are so intertwined. If you upset
this one person, it upsets five people. If you say
no to this one person, they're gonna call it a mama.
(24:31):
Then their mama gonna be calling your mama, and then
the aunts yado, and I mean, the stuff is just
so connected where it's just like, yeah, you could come
stay over here because you rather not even here the
whole thing about it. But you need to be in
the person, the person, and the most of us need
to be the person in the family, because there is
one of most families where you know, you know, no,
(24:54):
not uncle or not aunt, like they are very clear,
no we I don't cook for Thanksgiving. You know, it's like, no,
you cannot come over here with your dog, like they
are very clear about these things. How do you become
hopefully one of many people who can speak those things
(25:14):
and not necessarily just not care because we do care,
but so speak those things, care and continue to speak
them because there are some things that you don't like.
There are some preferences that you do have, and it
should certainly be okay to have those preferences in the
relationships with the people that we are closest to to
(25:36):
the relationships that we really value. I don't want to
be known well by a bunch of strangers. I want
the people who live in my home, the people who
you know I talked to most often, to understand who
I am. So when you set boundaries with people, is
it a matter of when you're setting the boundaries that
(25:58):
you're explaining the why is that? Is that helpful? Is
that necessary? That can be challenging, particularly in families, because
they can talk you right out of that. Why they
know a lot of stuff about you and your history
and who you dated before Ronney and how they helped
(26:20):
you one time with your graduation dress. I mean, just
all this stuff. So if you start getting into stuff,
people will pull their stuff out too. And so is
it useful to give an explanation, because sometimes that explanation
can really pull our boundary apart. If you say I
don't want to come to your party because my car
(26:40):
is in the shop, they say, we'll call it uber man,
not to call it uber. You just didn't want to
go to the party like that was the response, And
so creating all these other things will then again put
you in a situation that you didn't want to be here.
So then is it more about just knowing what you
want and what your limits are and just standing strong
(27:05):
in that and being plain and simple. It's just it's
adult behavior in families. What typically happens. I am the
youngest child, and I am the youngest cousin of all
My first cousins, and so I get a lot of
old little Madre, you know, just yeah, and you and
(27:30):
and them them seeing me as an adult that you know,
they kind of clear the path because I'm making these
statements of like no, I don't want It's like, okay,
she has a voice. But people will remind you of
your role in the family. We know that the baby
is supposed to like listen to all these big people.
We know that the oldest is supposed to tell everybody
(27:53):
what to do. So those roles around we are now
like making waves. And so it is okay to do
that because whether you are the forty year old baby
or you know, the fifty year old baby, you're still
an adult. You're a baby adult. So I'm not a
baby twelve year old. Now I'm an adult and I
(28:17):
have some understanding of what I want for my life.
I am the oldest, but I am an adult. I
am the middle, I'm an adult. I'm a cousin, but
I'm somebody mama. You know, you have to really assert
your yourself in a family system. Yeah, Ronnie, did you
I see you shaking your head? Did you want to
(28:37):
add something to any of that? Yeah, I was just
thinking that. You know, a lot of times it's you
don't have boundaries, or let me speak for myself, in
certain situations, I don't have boundaries because I'm I'm concerned
about what other people think, and it's it's more so
putting myself first and foremost, and you know not that
(29:00):
I'm not concerned the most important person in the room.
Got it? So that makes it easier for you when
you think about it in those terms you mean, got it?
Does that make sense, Nidra? Absolutely, And that's the energy
that most people have when they are setting boundaries with you.
They are the most important person in the room, and
(29:20):
we have to think about not only how this impacts
other people, but how does this impact me? Okay, So
the last boundary that I really want to get into
because once again and reading the book, it really brought
up some personal emotions and some understanding about myself, and
(29:41):
that is boundaries that you set for yourself, right, and
it involves people pleasing and self betrayal and self sabotage.
And I think when I read it, I didn't even
realize my own behavior right, my own negative talk and
(30:02):
the thoughts that go on in my head that contribute
to my low self esteem issues, right, and like making
disparaging comments about myself to myself and to others. Like
I just didn't even realize until that's what I said.
(30:25):
Reading your book was like a therapy session. So give
me an example of you doing that, say like saying something.
I do it all the time. I'm constantly telling myself,
oh you, I can't do that. I can't do that.
I listen something as simple as I took and I
(30:46):
just rewatched the tape the other day. I'm I'm a stepper, right,
a Chicago stepper. I love dance, and I recently took
a private dance lesson an instructive who's dance I really admire.
And he was talking to me and showing me some
(31:07):
steps that I could incorporate into my dance that would
change my dance. And I was like, oh, well, I
don't I think I could only do it now because
you were counting it out for me. If you weren't counting,
I wouldn't have been able to do that. And he
was like, what are you saying? You just did it?
How about let me show you that I can do
(31:29):
it without you counting. I automatically went into I can't
do that, And I'm constantly telling myself that I'm not
a good dancer. I can't do this, I can't do that. Oh,
they don't want to hear me, they don't want to
see me. It was very difficult for me even to
like just to transition into red tape, but was very challenging.
(31:50):
I mean it still is. I just have this negative
talk in my head that I don't think that people
really want to hear what I have to say. I
don't know what I'm talking about, Like, oh, just god,
all this negative talk. When I hear those cants, I
think about all the things that you've already achieved and accomplished.
(32:13):
I don't know if you remember this about yourself, but
perhaps you remember it about Jada or Willow or Jaden.
How we can't do a lot of stuff. We can't walk,
we can't talk, we can't hold our heads up, we
can't Oh my gosh. We are born with knts, and
every time we master it, it's a victory. Little kids
(32:37):
are often I mean, you you ever see a baby
find their hand, how wonder it is. It's just like
just buttoning their shirt. It's like, oh my gosh, I
just come here, come look. I just but my I
think about all of the things that we haven't been
able to do and all of the things that we master,
Like that just makes that just warms my heart to
(32:59):
think about how wonderful we are and how we do
have the ability always to learn something new, to apply
something different. We're already accomplished. You've already done a lot.
If you could curl your own hair, you're a master,
because there's a lot of people who can't. So there
are so many things that we can do and that
(33:20):
can't is not necessary and it's not useful. Yeah, And
that that I can't narrative that I constantly have in
my head is very discouraging and it's really tiresome and
I'm getting tired of my damn self. But you can
because you you're constantly learning stuff. You're doing real table,
(33:41):
you're on a podcast. So it's like you're saying can't,
but I see your behavior doing something else. Yeah, So
I guess I have to learn how to be more
gentle and kind to myself. Yeah, that's who you need
to cuss out that voice in your head, because you
(34:03):
need to cuss out that can't voice in your hand.
As we start wrapping up of this, a couple of
things that I want to bring up. You said in
your book too, was that boundary setting is never about
other people. It is about yourself. And I think that's important,
(34:26):
that's really important to understand. So if I'm setting a boundary,
it's about me, it's not about you. If I'm setting
a boundary with you, it doesn't have anything to do
with you. It has to do with me. Because I
had a situation where I was setting some boundaries for
myself with other people, right, other people in my life,
(34:50):
but it didn't have anything to do necessarily with the
other people. It had to do with me, right, And
that was really hard for other people to understand. But
your boundaries are really for you, for and about you.
I think about the example you just use in terms
of like drinking. Right, So if you say to your
(35:13):
group of friends, hey, I'm not drinking socially anymore. I'm
I'm gonna cut back, I don't want to drink now,
some people they will personalize at all, and nothing wrong
with that. Is absolutely a boundary that's for you. You're
not in that space trying to say, you know, you
can't do what you can't do what you can't do it,
But for me and for what I want for my life,
(35:33):
I am choosing not to do this. It is not
an indictment on what you choose to do in your life.
Thank you so much, Nedra for joining running. And you
have a bunch of resources on your website, including this
fantastic book, Set Boundaries. Fine piece. I'm telling you, Set Boundaries,
find Peace. Do yourself a favor and pick up a
(35:56):
copy of this book or listen to get it on audio.
I'm telling you it is a I'm telling you it
is life changing. Tell people where they can find you
on social media to learn more about you and boundary setting, Nadra.
I am on most social media platforms, but in particular
Instagram at natural wob Thank you so much, Nadra, Thank
(36:21):
you so much. You're welcome. Always a pleasure. That was
a really great conversation with Nadra. Wasn't a babe, It
absolutely was. Yeah. I mean, I'm telling you to the listeners,
this book is life changing and I would seriously, seriously
(36:43):
encourage you to get it. But moving on, we have
some fan questions to answer, Babe. The fans want to
know who is your favorite sports team? So I'm a
big basketball fan, but I don't really have a team.
I just love the game football. It'll have to be
because I'm from Baltimore. It's the Ravens, but I also
(37:05):
like the Los Angeles Rams. Yeah, since you're yeah, since
we're back, I'm half and half. Yeah, you're half and
half were by Coastal So well, I and I actually
don't have a favorite I don't have a favorite team,
but my favorite sport is basketball. That is my favorite sport. Okay.
(37:30):
And then the second question is what is your favorite
your favorite trait about your partner? Mm hmm, good luck
on that. I'd have to say that you're my best friend,
that that friend trait that you have. H being a
friend is not a trait, okay, but anyway, but anyway,
(37:55):
because my answer is not really a trade either. It's
the favorite. It's what I like about you. Yeah, yeah,
my favorite thing about So we're gonna change the change
the question a little. Yeah. So I think the thing
that I like about you the best when it comes
to me is that you and I've said this before,
(38:18):
I love that you accept me as I am right.
And that doesn't mean that there's no room for growth.
In me, and there's not things that I need to change,
but at the at the core, you love me for
who I am and that is extremely extremely important to
me because that has not been my experience in the past,
(38:40):
at least that's not what I felt in the past
from other partners. So I thoroughly appreciate that from you.
And then there is a trait, Uh, there is a
traite in you that that I like to and that
is I do like your your calm, your typically typically
you are a person until I started driving. Yeah, now
(39:03):
that that's a whole different thing because you too, you're
off the table when it goes to drive. You think
you're on a race weight all the time, and you're not. Yeah.
But so those are the things that I like about
you the best. And that's our show for this week.
(39:24):
That is Positively Gam. You can follow me online at
Gammy Norris and you can follow me at I Am
Rodney Norris. Help us out by leaving a five star
review on I Heart Radio app or Apple podcast, and
by hitting the follow button on Spotify. You can submit
your questions to positively Gam at red table talk dot
(39:47):
com for a chance to hear me answer them on
a future episode. Stay grateful y'all, and thanks for listening.
Talk to you later, Babe. Positively gam is produced by
Red Table Talk podcast S and I Heart Radio. Executive
producers are Adrian Banfield, Naris Balin, Jethro and Jada Pinkett Smith.
(40:08):
Our audio engineer is Calvin Bailiff, and our associate producer
is Irene bischoff Berger. Our theme song is produced by
d BAT
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