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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm pretty bad. Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of
Pretty Messed Up on I Heart Radio. Um, you guys

(00:24):
know who we are. We don't have to introduce herself.
No I need an introduction. Okay, fine, I think it's
a j How are you guys doing? Obviously we know.
I'm looking at her right now in her little winter wonderland,
the beautiful in festive Cheryl Burke. Yes, And on the
bottom right corner, I can see my lumberjack friend, uh

(00:45):
Senior and Aissando, Mr Mane Alizondo, y'all still here? Me
and you were gonna be twins, Renee. I was gonna
wear a shirt similar to yours. Oh really, this is
my moving into the holiday season. I mean, look at
my house just threw up of Christmas. I did throw
up of Christmas addictions beautiful, I tell you, man, Decorating

(01:08):
is like such a well it should be a therapeutic process.
It is for some people. It's not like in my
house it's a train wreck because my kids fight over
who's going to put what where. And so now we've
we've we've made it where my wife has her tree,
I have my tree, and the kids have their tree.

(01:32):
Very smart. I mean, it's just me and my dog.
My husband is working. So I literally if you were
to see my house right now, you guys would freak out.
I mean it's lights everywhere, wreaths everywhere, fake Christmas trees everywhere.
I went crazy on Amazon, you guys, listen to this.
So moving into the whole holiday season, and you know,

(01:52):
Christmas trees and fires and what happened with Tony who
we were supposed to meet with, right, Tony started zap bows.
He died, you know, in this house fire. So that
prompted us to do a fire drill. Okay, here, here's
where it gets fun. So we have one of those ladders,

(02:14):
super light ladders made of aluminum and like nylon, and
you hook it on the window and throw it over
the edge, super light ladder, right. And I wanted Ellen
to be ready to escape the second story, right, and
so I threw my back out. Okay, now, listen to this.

(02:37):
I never even got on the ladder. I threw my
back out, just throwing the ladder out the window. And
then I'm sitting there stuck in the window. And my daughter,
who's nine years old, said, Dad, we'd be crispy by now. Totally.
That is so funny. I honestly I could tell getting

(03:00):
old by just having to pick up my little dog
from eating the ornaments off the tree. So oh yeah,
that's a thank you. Yeah. Well, we like so every
year for the past probably six years. I'm one of
my all time favorite Christmas movies is Nightmare Before Christmas,
and I haven't seen it. We have a Nightmare tree.
It's a darker tree with all the Nightmare Before Christmas characters,

(03:23):
and like, now, all of a sudden, my wife just
decided that that tree no longer exists, and now we're like,
we're going full like the Grove Christmas Tree, which doesn't
say Now I can see it does look pretty. It's
much more elegant. But I snuck in a couple of
my Nightmare ornaments on one of the trees on the backside.

(03:44):
I don't know if you see here, Renee and a
j I've got mirror balls, because my whole thing was
like I want a black, fake tree and I want
silver and white decorations. Those are Mirrorballs's a there's some mirrorballs, Yes,
lots of balls. So so we're gonna go this coming Sunday.
We're gonna go. So I've I never heard about this,

(04:05):
and I guess it's a real thing out by where
we live. Um, you can go and cut down your
own Christmas tree. It's like, it's the coolest thing in
the Yeah, you can go. But it's a it's a
Christmas tree farm, so they are grown for the sole
purpose of Christmas. Um. I know all the plant lovers

(04:26):
out there don't get mad at me, but they're filling
their Christmas destiny. Or you could light up candles from
like from Fraser First what or from Thime I think.
But this company, it smells like Christmas in my house,
even though all the trees are fake. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
well we have the I will say this though, I
am anti flocked. It is the most ship in the

(04:49):
world to have to clean up the flock trees. Oh
my god, crap everywhere. Trigger No, I'm kidding. It's just
like it's too much. It's too much. You you get
it on your clothes, you walk by, it falls on
the floor, you guys. One year, I wanted to see

(05:09):
how fast the Christmas tree lights up, So I went
outside with our old tree, like around January or whatever. Dude,
those things explode. Yeah, I'm talking about the actual organic
trees right once they get dry. I am not lying.
I was blown away at how fast this thing exploded. No, no,

(05:31):
wonder people burn their homes down A little candle. Get
let's rewind a little bit. How is everyone's Thanksgiving? We
still have leftovers? My mother in law makes Look there's what.
There's six of us that had Thanksgiving dinner and my
mother in law, god bless her heart, makes enough for

(05:54):
thirty people. So we had our turkey, We had our
stuff on the day and and we make we we
basically chop up the turkey in the little cubes and
we make for leftovers. It's turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy
mixed in a little bowl. It is to die for.
But all the weight that I lost on Dancing with

(06:17):
the Stars, I gained it all back. No we um.
We unfortunately got a little sick right and I started
with my daughter. So we of course went to go
get a COVID test right away, and and the doctor said,
we'll only call you if she tests positive. So later

(06:40):
on that evening, I'm sitting at home and I see
the places calling. I said, oh my god, really, And
then she goes, don't worry. The doctor says, don't worry.
She tested negative for COVID, but she did test positive
for the flu. It's going around. Yeah, I said, we
all had flu shots, and she goes, well, that's probably
why her her symptoms are so mild. And then sure enough,

(07:04):
my wife then started getting the symptoms. I got the symptoms.
So I've been I've been in and now I'm sitting
my husband. Actually, my husband's currently working on a film
right on, an independent film. And they took his temperature
yesterday because they have COVID officers as well, a j
like what we do, but obviously a lower budget. But
um still they have to like get temperatures taken every day.

(07:26):
They have to get test done, um at least three
or four times a week. And he had a fever,
and he was freaking out that everyone was freaking out.
He's like the lead character in this movie and they've
shot so much already, and so they sent him home
and his his fever just kept getting worse, and so
I slept upstairs and he slept outstairs, and thank god,
his COVID test came back negative and he has the flu,

(07:48):
has a cold. Yeah, we were testing season, so that
that regular season. That night we were testing you than
um temperature and the this little digital thing kept jumping
all over the place. Yeah, they're not very accurate because
we have one at our house and it's like it
would jump up and then jump down and I would

(08:10):
read get the old school one. Yeah, I would zap
it seven and then I'd zapp lyric and she's pretty
much dead. So I'm like, but what happened same thing
when you take your blood pressure, by the way, but
what happened to the good old under the tongue take
your temperature? Isn't that more? I think the most reliable
that or under your armpit if you're a child like so,

(08:30):
I just it was like around midnight, there's a twenty
four drug store to pick up another one, and then
apparently that one was even more sophisticated. But it's like,
why didn't you just get a regular one with the
thing because you have to get disposable ones. Oh yeah,
I just know. So you're okay to renee though, um

(08:53):
you could hear I'm still so I have to get
to get that vape out of your hand. I know
that's okay. Hold on, let's just talk about that for
a second, because it's so damn true, right, It's like
it's so hard you have a sore throat, you have
a cough, and then people say to me, well, maybe

(09:14):
you shouldn't be making them, Like, yeah, you know, why
didn't I think of that. It's not a question of
whether you want to, yeah, you know, it's like you
do it in spite of you know, yeah, just like
you know when you were you know, drinking and doing drugs.
I mean, it's the same thing. It's like not if
you sit back and think about it, maybe it's not
the best thing, but you're not really thinking about it.

(09:36):
Never makes sense, of course, but you know, it's like
the same thing happened to my to my daughter Eva,
that happened to Ellen. She woke up scratchy throat the
day after her birthday and we we looked in her
throat and there was white. So first thing I think
is stripped. So and so we take her the doctor

(09:58):
and it's like par for the course, now where okay,
you don't have strap, but since you're here, let's give
you a COVID test. And she took it like a
champ because it's the same one that we did, which
barely goes up your nose at all. And but you
guys to get your COVID tests, Well, she she just

(10:18):
went to a to her pediatrician. So but I now
have found this amazing woman who is a nurse. She's
an r N that will come to my house once
or twice a week and she tests us. So is
she Filipino by any chance? I haven't met her yet,
but I will let you know if she is. And

(10:40):
wouldn't that be can hear your voice is quoting Joe Coy? Yes,
would she come to my house? Yes, she'll go to
anyone's house, So she'll go to anyone. How much of
it I think it's? So there's two different tests. There's
the there's the rapid test which is eighty bucks, which

(11:01):
has uh do you get the results in fifteen minutes?
Then there's the same nasal test that we did, which
is two days. That one is a accurate the other one,
I think something like that. And how much is that one?
That one? So the nasal one is the other one
is eighty so once a week? I mean whatever. So

(11:23):
you guys, this thermometer that I went to go get,
you have to download the app, and then it tells
you right on the app what your temperature is, and
then you could set different profiles like Ellen was a monkey,
I'm a tri Sarah tops and then Britt was like
a puppy or something. But you can go right to them. Uh,

(11:44):
keep it keeps track. It's like, that's like my freaking
my dad. Stepdad has a fib so Um. I think
it's from all the dental work he has done. He
basically his lungs are like a smoke or lung lungs
and he doesn't smoke at all, um, and he can
now test his heart rate through like something similar like
what you were saying, Renee. And it's fascinating how accurate

(12:06):
it is. And it keeps keeps history. It lets you
know everybody you enter, your age and if you're in danger,
if it's highly what to do. Blah blah blah. Yeah,
let's talk about coffee maker. There a j he's been
showing off this coffee maker too, Yeah, but did not this.

(12:27):
Hopefully this can get us the the ultimate sponsorship because
Brevel is one of the top coffee makers out there
besides Java eight grand no no, but Java makes one
for like eight grand but what I mean literally, it's like,
how ridiculous the one I got. I've wanted it for

(12:50):
two years and that was my Christmas present to myself.
And you can program just like you said, like a
j I've got Rochelle. She as her her blend that
she likes. It's all digital and she just taps her
name and it makes only her coffee the way she
likes or does it make macha? It's only for coffee

(13:13):
lovers does? But I know because you don't drink like
actual coffee coffee, do you me? I know, I love
much tea, You like su, you like more macha? I
love green tea. Yeah, that's where my Asian heritage comes
in play. Yeah, um, I love the tea. But um,
you guys, so we're shutting down right basically or basically
shut down all over again? L A, l A no,

(13:35):
but yes, you're right lockdown again. So how are you
guys holding up? What do you guys? I mean, Renee,
I know me and you will be just fine. But well,
well I'm in Ventura County, so we haven't locked down yet,
really we don't. Yeah, did you know that they're going
to turn off our water power? And um everything is

(13:56):
going to be turned off, our lights and all of that.
If there's gatherings for the holidays. Yeah, oh that well
that's for l A County. Yeah. Well you were thinking
about the fires because I got my phone's been blowing up.
My wife's been blowing up because right now by my
house there's gale force winds about forty five up. I

(14:16):
did get an advisory about winds happening, but nothing's really well.
The Santas are kicking up again. Yeah. He was going
to record from home, but he's we don't know if
the power is going to stay on. Yeah, so I
was like, I don't want to be mid podcasting it.
He's risking catching a cold for the podcast. I just
want the fans out there. Did you get a flu shot? Yes?

(14:39):
I did get a foot No not either. I'm not
a fan. Um Let let me ask you guys this.
There is another lockdown. And I worry more about the
psychological effect as a whole that people. You know, I
don't want to talk such sad you know things. But

(15:03):
she was anxiety attacks, you know all that stuff. Divorces
absolutely right, and so we we try to just keep
things fun, you know what I mean for our daughter.
We try to play games, we try to do stuff.
We do ask her about this stuff. We say, hey,

(15:24):
how are you doing with this? Does she miss her friends?
Oddly enough, she just had a little thing with her friend.
They're always on face time. And then I saw Ellen's
text back and forth you side, and it's funny because
her friend was like, Ellen said, you've been in a
bad mood for the last few days. And her friends said, Okay,

(15:47):
I don't know how to say this, but it's going
to sound weird, but I'm really jealous of you, she
said to my daughter over text. And she said why
And she's like, because you have more things on roadblocks
and you know, kids stuff, and and she said, and
I think you're better than me. And then Ellen said

(16:08):
that doesn't make me better than you. And then she
went on and said, you're a beautiful person. You're a
beautiful inside now. And I felt so proud of how
Ellen handled it. She really, I mean, she's listening to you,
Renee and your wife. I'm sure you guys set the example,
but on both sides, do you guys? Thank you so
much on both sides. Her friend that was big of

(16:31):
her to admit she was being jealous. Yeah, no, that's
a good that's crazy. Before that, she was just kind
of coming down hard on on my my daughter, just
an anger and finally she just broke through. They're both
only nine years old. She said, Look, I'll be honest
with you, I've been really jealous. And so it's funny
you bring that up because I do worry about these things.

(16:54):
I say this, and then I'm sure your daughter had
more compassion because she admitted to her feelings. That's the
you're right, You're right. The compassion that they ended up
showing each other came from the honesty of the vulnerability. Look. Yeah, yeah,
And so yesterday I said too bright. I said, man,

(17:14):
what would it be like when we were nine years
old having to go through a pandemic? Like I think
about these things all the time, you know, and so
we try to make things fun, We try to stay positive,
you know, not get into any kind of numbers. She
doesn't need to know because in the background. But you know,

(17:35):
it's interesting that on so on one side of what
you're saying, like you're going into a new lockdown people's
mental state freaking out again. You know, all these different
things that are rising that's one side of the coin.
Then you have the other side of the coin. Like
we talked to my to my neighbors last night. They're pregnant,

(17:57):
their pandemic pregnant with COVID babies. Yeah, there's a lot
of like so you know, there's there is an upside
in many ways to this as well. I'll say it myself,
I'm going to be one year sober tooras, which is insane.

(18:21):
This is crazy. You was like, wow, because you've been
there with it with Aj through the whole thing. Here,
here's the thing. AJ has been sober for a long
stretch of time, and by sober I mean abstinent. This
is the first time since I've known him where he's
actually sober emotionally right, not just abstinate. He's dealing with

(18:43):
issues without getting into whatever they were. Recently, there was
a challenge we shouldn't bring it up, but he was
able to not dance related. No, this time it was
this was just more of a you know, an emotional challenge,
and he was able to work the tools that were

(19:05):
taught the principles of the program. I'll pray for the person.
He had a resentment meditation and just realized that as
long as I'm keeping my side of the street clean,
I can't worry about keeping your side of the street.
That take full responsibility over your just yourself exactly. And
everything actually worked itself out. Um, and you feel better

(19:27):
right instead of bad mouthing the other person, or I
feel much better until My point is that although you've
had a long stretch of abstinence, but you never worked
a single step right, you never did anything. He lived
with me for almost a year and we have fun.
We golfed, we did all kinds of fun stuff. But

(19:48):
he every time, you know, I'd say to him, Um, hey,
do you want to want to do do some work? Yeah, tomorrow.
Question do you guys used to party together? Ever? Never?
In fact, I've never seen him drunk or high interesting

(20:10):
ever ever. I only heard it. And when you're in Vegas,
of course, that's the only time that I ever heard
you drunk. And you were like, oh, yeah, I had
a little something last time. I said a j yeah,
it's like you're still drinking drunk? It was he like
a good like was he? No? No? Well I was

(20:30):
hiding it from my wife, or at least trying to
and like the you know, my bandmates and everybody else.
But there was a certain comfort level with Renee where like,
so he didn't have to pull it out of me
like everyone else did. Because I was terrified that the
boys were going to be disappointed that my wife was

(20:50):
going to leave me. You know, I could be completely
vulnerable with Renee to a certain degree, maybe not not
as much as I am. Now why do you think
that is? Because I wasn't. I wasn't in the same
headspace as I am. But why do you think you
can be vulnerable with Renee? Like? Does he not? He
obviously doesn't know, because I just felt I felt safe.

(21:11):
I felt not judged, not saying that I felt judged
by by my wife because I know she doesn't judge
me at all. But I always had this this this little,
this little inkling of fear when in in regards to
my wife, thinking oh my gosh, she's gonna leave me,
she's gonna take the kids. I freaking relapsed again. It's over.
Blah blah blah blah, even though for for for years

(21:34):
she always told me, look, I get it. Relapses it
sometimes it's part of the deal. Just be honest, just
hold yourself accountable. Will I be bummed. Sure, But then
now that I know, I have time to process it,
you know, and cheryld back back to your question, why
would he why would he be vulnerable with me? He's

(21:56):
probably thinking, I asked, what is it about you that
makes him? Well? What I think is he's probably sitting
there going, Okay, who do I know? That's messed up
more times than me? I call him because he won't
judge me. Of course, I get it. I mean there's
certain things that I also I think, Yeah, yeah, I've
earned your seat, I've earned my seat. Like this is

(22:19):
a massive, massive it is for you to be congratulations celebrating.
We don't. We never celebrate a day early, right, that's
just no front seats, no front no front seat. What's
that to celebrate? I just heard that phrase. Oh you
mean like don't celebrate like two days early, like yeah,
one day or or yeah because you because you just

(22:41):
don't know, because you don't have It's not like it's
your birthday month long celebration or whatever. You're like, God
forbid something happens the day before your your actual birthday.
But it is. It is. It is an absolute miracle
for any alcoholic to not drink for twenty four hours
is a miracle, right because especially you know us, Right,

(23:02):
it's like back when I couldn't get this thing, it
did I didn't need. It was every day for me drink. Yes,
absolutely it was. It was like when people drink water
that was my vodka SODA's Yeah, yeah exactly. Actually people
would say like people would say, like, what happened before
you drank? Is that nothing? It just my hand came up.

(23:24):
It's just I was trying to quench my thirst. But
at the same time, Yeah, I have this app called Nomo,
which is which is It's basically it's like a sobriety app.
There's like there's there's quotes in there, there's meditations in there.
It's awesome, there's a we need to be sponsored by them. Yeah,

(23:45):
there's a sobriety clock called Nomo n o m o.
Let me let me make sure so I say this right,
but yes, it is called speaking of Medita n o
m oh. And what is that stand for? I don't
no more? Actually no mo. There you go. It's funny

(24:09):
that wouldn't that, I mean, I would think it is, right,
Like why would it be like it's not gonna be
called no more? It's like, no, mo, maybe it is
no more. Okay, I want to play a game with
you guys right now, right, no, no, no, no, So
tomorrow is your one year, and let's just go into

(24:30):
fantasy Land for a second. Okay, Fantasyland. You get to
have a big party with all your friends all weekend. Okay,
you can have no yeah, no, no, fantasy Land. Everyone's there,
no masks, your best friends are there. You're celebrating one year.
You get to have three musical acts perform at your party,

(24:54):
dead or alive. Who would they be? I'm asking this
for the fans too, because they want to know these things.
Prince hell yeah, Sinatra hell yeah. And I don't know why,
but I'm I'm like, yeah, okay, um, well, I I

(25:16):
kind of know what you're going to say, but don't
say it. Well no, I was gonna say Michael Buble,
but that's too similar to Sinatra to be like, who's
this guy? No, he's actually you know who I would like,
Seth McFarland. But oh he's amazing in all the characters voices,

(25:37):
only you know, you know. Seth McFarland has a yearly
Christmas parties. I used to go to them every year
and he would full on he hired our orchestra that
used to be part of Dancing with the Stars to
Harold Wheeler Band or Harold Wheeler Orchestra and sending love
to Harold by the way, amazing. Anyways, they used to
perform on Dancing with the Stars, and Seth McFarland every

(25:57):
year hires them, and he turns like his whole backyard
into like this beautiful like tented like winter wonderland basically,
and he's genius. Aside from being a genius, That's what
I told you, Cheryl, which you may not remember, but
because that may not have been in a good part

(26:18):
of your life. But my trainer trained and still trains
occasionally Seth and him and his wife met you at
Seth's Christmas party. I don't think so. I think we
met before that, but that's fine. Before that, I don't know.
So you, Cheryl, your party all weekend. Three artists dead

(26:38):
or alive who would be there? Definitely Prince Um Sinatras
meant that was my dad's favorite. Rest in peace, Dad,
and Um Michael Jackson from the nineties. Yeah, that's hard
to be that's a that's a lot of great dance stuff.

(26:59):
I'm gonna sound kind of cliche, I think, which is
a print a hundred and to keep the party going, Germaine.
What's the inside joke, guys? I think I think it
would be I think it would be Michael and then

(27:20):
just to throw just to not go with you guys
on Sinatro because that's such a good pick. How sick
would it be to have someone like Mozart? Oh my god,
that's so sick. I'm going to your party, Renee, my party,
everyone in a in a black tie, and and I'd
like to sit next to Einstein. Please, yes, just make

(27:44):
me feel smarter even though I'm not. We're gonna take
a quick break. We're gonna take a quick break and
we'll be right back. All right, you guys, We are
back on my Heart Radio. Pretty messed up with myself

(28:08):
Cheryl Burke and nne Alizon Bear stick with Shair, Bear
with share bear Stair. I'm seeing it right now. There,
it is there, It is right there, the share bear Stair.
Uh So we wanted to actually we we love all
y'all's questions. We love the comments. Please continue to leave
us comments, questions, all of it, all of it and

(28:31):
don't forget to subscribe, Thank you very much and hit
five stars five stars, five stars. Yes, I think go staro.
That's my Spanish. Um okay, so let's see we have
a question here. Uh, this is to all of us.
Now that you know the addiction side to drugs and alcohol,
what would you advise to someone who's never tried any

(28:53):
of it to steer clear or go with try anything once? Oh,
like you should try everything once? Mentality. I see what, Yeah,
you've got to try everything once? You know, No, you
actually don't need to try everything once. So you don't
need to try everything once. Um, that's the thing. It's
Russian roulette, right, I mean, not every Some people can

(29:16):
go out and try coke one time and they're fine.
Other people try it one time and they feel like
they sell the face of God and you keep doing
it and they keep catching trying to catch that once
and I was like, whoa, I love this, But yeah, no, no,
no need to try anything that is illegal. Um, I
don't think so once and even legal stuff you try

(29:39):
a lot of people get hooked on pain killers, yes,
legit legit reasons, legit reasons. And I've said this before.
I don't care who you are. You take pain killers
long enough, your brain and your body get used to it,
you know, and it's that numbing, that numbing feeling. Your
feelings are being numbed, and it feels good. Absolutely and

(30:00):
physically physically addicted to it. It doesn't I don't care
who you are. You could be a guru, you could
be whoever. You know. The truth is, anyone can get
addicted to opiate. Anyone can get addicted to xan x uh,
you know, the anxiety drugs. And so just to try something,
just let's get it to go. It's like, you know,

(30:23):
you're risking the idea that you might discover something in
your brain that just goes, oh my god, that's the
greatest feeling I've ever had. That's why people get addicted.
It's not like it's not like you and I tried
something and said, oh my god, that's the worst thing
I've ever gone through. Let me do it again. We're
not that crazy, do you know. It's not like, oh,
let's try dancing with the stars and yeah, yeah, anything

(30:46):
to do with substance is always dangerous. So I suggest
not to try it, um because you've been fine without it.
So look, I approached the question as if my daughter
is asking it, right, this is what I would say
to her. I said, Look, you might try it, hate
it and never need to do it again. You might
try it, love it and then have to go down
this hell hole. Yeah, you know, is it worth it?

(31:09):
Like or find things that tomorrow you won't wait? To me,
the thing is, find something that's exciting, that's fun, that's fulfilling, stimulate, Yes,
and tomorrow morning you won't wake up and say, God,
I wish I hadn't that kind. But but thank you
for asking the question, because the communication and the talking

(31:31):
about it is what's key here. Because without talking about
it or asking and just doing something out of curiosity,
you know, it helps with anyone else. I'm sure a
lot of people have this question. Yes, go fly a
kite that's much safer, just not in a thunderstorm. Yeah, exactly,
Um all right, and an actual kite, yes, an actual
physical kite if they even make them anymore, um, not

(31:54):
not a digital one on on an app. Right, let's
see what led to your addiction. Was it the celebrity status,
the party atmosphere, childhood trauma or childhood stardom. I'll definitely
start with. You know, for me it was I mean,
I don't want to blame it on anything in particular.
I mean I think it was an acculative of me

(32:15):
wanting to numb my feelings. But it started with my
childhood trauma. Um. And you know, I guess celebrity status,
but mine was more social anxiety. But in order for
me to step out of this house and go onto
red carpet, I needed to be messed up, a little
bit up, that's right, tried to sweating the whole time. UM. Yeah,

(32:38):
I don't think for me, it definitely wasn't celebrity. Um.
And you don't think party. No, it was not celebrity.
It was not party atmosphere it was and I didn't
have any childhood traumas. UM. I guess you could say
childhood stardom when I you know, I was fourteen when
the when the you know bactually started for me, it

(33:00):
was it was two things. It was wanting to be accepted, um,
which means low self esteem um, and just plane boredom.
I was bored and I you know, I I have
a weird opinion and it's just my opinion. I don't
believe in addictive personalities. I believe you you have somewhat

(33:27):
of a choice. You either choose to have one glass
of wine or you choose to have nine bottles of wine.
But then after that point, the choices no is no
longer yours is taken over, right, But now the addiction
is taken over, and now you're completely out of control.
Because for me, I chose to drink shots away, only

(33:48):
having one. But I wanted that because now I feel
accepted by everybody in the room feeling I'm feeling numb, yeah,
not feeling, not feeling, but feeling accepted, and but feeling
accepted for the wrong reasons, because only you people feel accepted. Yeah, me,

(34:09):
I didn't feel accepted unless I was on everyone else's level,
times ten, because now all eyes are on me, because
I'm the idiot who's shit faced running around the room
naked or whatever I'm doing, all eyes are on me.
To put a little finer point on what you're saying,
it's not feeling accepted. Then we drink, and then it

(34:30):
doesn't bother that we're not feeling excepted. Voice in your heads, yeah,
it goes away. You know, it's that social lubricant. People fear,
the fear goes away, but then when you wake up
in the morning and you sober up, that fear is
still is still there because you haven't done any self work.
Are your parents divorce, Yeah, my parents got divorced when

(34:51):
I was three somewhere in there, So that wasn't traumatic
for you. It wasn't traumatic, becau because I still had
like father figures in my life, my grandfather and my uncle.
So I never really felt a void, um until I
was older, much much older, when I started to understand

(35:15):
and kind of here from my mom and my grandparents
their version of how all the ship went down with
my mom and my dad, and then I kind of
convinced myself that he was this horrible person when really
he's not. Um, he's back in my life now after
thirty plus years. UM. So you know that could be

(35:37):
considered like abandonment issues, but I never Also, you're an
only child as well, right, I am an only child,
and believe me, I was more than enough for my
mom to handle for me. Yeah. It was definitely celebrity right.
Kidding this side though, it's we always have to be

(35:58):
you know, careful generalizing, right, It's like I agree with you, Cheryl,
it's like these traumas, these are things that I had
to learn to process so that I was no longer
trying to escape my own reality. Right because when I

(36:20):
found for me, it was cough syrup with coding in it.
That was my first, first first taste of a high
before and I was, you know, thirty years old. I
had I'd never drank, i'd never smoked, i'd never drank coffee.
I wouldn't even take tyler. No. I was like militant
and tie everything. And then my first escape that actually,

(36:45):
I take that back. The first one was champagne that
I did when I was thirty on New Year's Eve,
and I felt it was fun at the time, but
the next morning I felt like, wow, you can no
longer claim that you've never touched anything like you can
never claim that. And then not long after that, I

(37:07):
um fractured a rib and then they gave me some
strong pain killers and that was the first time I
felt like I didn't need to escape my reality. I
felt good enough on these pain killers. I felt none
of my traumas bothered me. I didn't feel less than
blah blah blah. And you didn't feel drunk. You felt

(37:27):
like composed, you had control over your body. Yeah, because
with pain killers you're you're at first, you're not sloppy,
you're just feeling youphoric, just feel you for it takes
away your physical pain, and it takes away any kind
of mental pain you have or emotional pain. So you

(37:48):
discovered this, Yeah, and you discover this beautiful, magical bubble
that you want to live in the rest of your
life because you're good enough. None of your voices, negative
voices or attack. Can you with unicorns in Santa Claus, Yeah,
you can still function with other people around at first,
depending on how much you take. Yes, And and that's

(38:10):
the addictive part that you found something that's so beautiful
right then you But but you know, then I experienced, Okay,
I could get pretty lit on a couple of shots
of Jack Daniels. Then all of a sudden, I couldn't
even get a buzz on a couple of shots of
Jock Daniels. So now I tripled the amount, and then

(38:32):
I built up a tolerance to that. So then all
of a sudden, it's I'm drinking a fifth of jacket day.
It's progressive, it's it's this this disease is a progress
and one of the things go ahead show Oh no, no,
I was just gonna say, this is a good segue
to the next question, but go ahead, Bernee, finish your
thoughts now. It's going to say. One of the things
that's hard, very hard for alcoholics and drug addicts, is

(38:56):
that that delusion that we could some how regain control
of our drinking, right, that's like the greatest delusion and
for or wish for any alcoholic. We yes, we drank,
we got obliviated, we woke up with a hangover, and
this time is going to be different, and we end

(39:17):
up doing it again and thinking we're going to control it.
And there's an old saying in in in our circles
that says, you know, once Europe, once you're a pickle,
you'll never be a cucumber again. I mean I did
the same thing with dancing. I mean, as long as
I can show up to rehearsal in time and still
put on a smile, I wasn't that bad. I must

(39:40):
have not been that bad. Yeah, And and somewhere along
the line we crossed that line. Somewhere along the way,
we crossed that line into alcoholism. And once you cross
into alcoholism, the idea of drinking with just a martini
and just a tiny bit, that's no longer on the table.
We don't want to We literally don't want to drink

(40:03):
socially anymore. We want to drink to get blasted. I
don't think I ever drank socially. You want to drink,
you want to drink. I heard that. I don't think
I ever drink. So I drink. I drank for um
a reaction, which was to numb myself and to be
more social. It was never just to have one cocktail.
I don't think I've ever had that. Yeah I did

(40:24):
back in the day. I never, I never. I never
sipped it if I had one, because I got wasted
off on the rocks. It was just give me a
shot glass. Yeah, I'm gonna pound him down. And and
by social, I mean I had never drank. I had
years before. I had had that champagne, and I didn't

(40:46):
like the way I felt. But I was out at
a nightclub with some friends and I wasn't I was
trying to stay clean off of drugs. And then I decided,
you know what, I'm going to have a drink tonight.
And I asked, uh, I asked the bartender, I said,
what gets you messed up the fastest? So it's true
I'm with you, guys, I said, Well, I mean I would.

(41:07):
I would have to drink before I saw anybody. I
would drink at home before a dinner. You know, I
would never start with everybody. I'd start by myself at home.
So here's here you you bring up a good point. Here,
here's a little diagram of my drinking. I couldn't wait
for my friends to pick me up at home so
we could get to the nightclub so I can order

(41:28):
the drink. Then I realized, wait, I can actually have
a drink before they show up. Yeah, you don't want
to turn into And then it turned into you guys,
we don't need to go anywhere, just come on in.
We'll drink. Turned into then that turned into friends. Who
needs friends? No, No, like you guys, stay home. I'm

(41:49):
staying home. I don't have to give you my alcohol
and talk to you. I might as well to do
by myself. I ended up drinking by myself, you know,
and that that was a danger. We call it. We
call it partying. When you're at home by yourself, drink. Well,
I always said that I'll never drink alone. And then
I started drinking alone way too much. Like literally before

(42:12):
every interview, I would be drunk, not drunk, but I
would have like a to go cup with tequila and
and so and vodka. Well that's a big time. Um
no tequila and soda and um. I mean I got
called out on E by Jason Kennedy. I was co hosting,
and I was really nervous, and so I brought a
little tiny shot of tequila with me to the set

(42:34):
because I get really nervous. You know, um, not as
much now, but this was like years ago, you guys,
like maybe a decade ago. And then he said we
were miked and our mikes were hot, and he goes,
why do you smell? Like is that tequila girl? And
I'm like no, And I knew then. I knew I
had a problem, Like that's this new perfume. I'm wearing tequila.

(42:57):
It's funny how we end up powering through the things
we said we'd never do. Oh totally, and we make
we make justifications. I mean, we totally do whatever. It's
for the nerves because I'm nervous. I have you try
doing this. I remember one time we were touring Europe
and we had just gotten to leone friends and I

(43:17):
went downstairs to get a drink and then this guy
he sits me down and and he's one of those
you know experts, wine experts, some a lier or whatever
they're called. And he I just want I just want
to get drunk. And he's taking me through this whole process.
He's opening up this big leather bound book with dust

(43:39):
on it, their whole collection, he's explaining, and I'm like, dude,
just give me wine. I don't care, I don't care
what it is. I don't want to know the lineage
of where this wine came from. I mean, we would
party so hard. Sorry, go ahead, not ask. Let's get
you the next question. Let's do Let's do that. I've
got stories for days. So do you think that mental

(44:01):
health issues and addiction always go hand in hand in
some way or another. Do you think that alcohol in
excess will always bring out the worst in people or
do you think it varies person to person? Um? I
think it varies. But to the backs of the first questions,
because there are some people I've known in my life
that actually have an allergy to alcohol. That was that's

(44:25):
what started with me, I became flush all of a sudden. Yeah,
like they can't drink it, and so they don't drink
it because they physically can't. UM. And some might say
that we as alcoholics have an allergy to alcohol it exactly.
But what what happens when people say um, when when

(44:45):
people are actually more normal drunk than they are, you
know what I'm saying, Like they can handle oh, she
can handle her booths functioning alcoholics. But that's the thing.
It's hard to do with these questions. It's important for
us to general say. Yeah, it's hard to generalize. I
know some people that go you know Dr Jekyll, Mr. Hyde.
They become mean, they become aggressive, they're belligerent. And there

(45:08):
are some people that are the happy drunks that they
are just everything's funny to them. They're nice. Me when
I first started drinking, and then I got angry after
I got after I got married, Um, when I started
drinking again in excess, I became irritable. I became angry.

(45:29):
I became a groper, if you will, I would touch
with the randomly guys, girls didn't matter. I became very
and like, very loud and almost obnoxious, where before I
was pretty much like I am every day. I was
pretty lighthearted, I was fun, talkative. You wouldn't really know

(45:50):
that I was completely obliterated. But then you have to change.
It went on just not working anymore. Well, yeah, and
once it stopped working, and the secretly, in my little
cave in my in my head, I'm feeling worse and
worse and worse about myself, to the point where the
drink didn't make me feel better anymore. It made me

(46:11):
feel as I'm drinking, I feel more like a piece
of ship, which is yeah, yeah, yeah, you're triggered. Being triggered.
It's called you know, you've heard people say, people in
recovery talk about when the drink drink stopped working, And
you just described what that means, which is we we

(46:32):
used to be able to drink and quiet those negative voices,
but then we're drinking so much and they're still there.
It's not working anymore, and that's a horrible place to be.
When you cannot stop and you can't keep doing, that's
when the drugs start. Yeah, I mean they this This
person asked also, do you think mental health issues and

(46:53):
addiction always go hand in hand? I don't think somethink
not not always, but it's not only addiction. Mental health
doesn't eat well addiction. If we exactly, if we kind
of break that down a little bit right our our
books as restore me to sanity, the implications are that
we're insane. All of us can talk about insane things

(47:14):
we did that we never do with alcohol or a
right no no meaning, let's say so by definition, alcoholism
is a form of mental illness totally. So if you
talk about it in that way, yes, they go hand
in hand, but it doesn't doesn't mean you you have
to have pre existing conditions like bipolarity or you know,

(47:37):
but that is also mental health overne right, Yes, but
that may have nothing to do with addiction or alcohol
or drug abuse exactly. And that's what I'm saying. It's
you almost have to parse her question. It is like,
if you define alcoholism as a form of insanity, then
then it does go hand in hand, but not every
alcohol I've met lots of alcoholics that out with bipolarity

(48:01):
and other disorders and conditions, but it doesn't mean that
you have to have those before you start drinking. I've
known people. So the question was about mental health and
an addiction. You can be addicted to anything, correct, Like
you could be addicted, yeah, and you could have mental
health issues that I have nothing to do with your addiction. Yeah,

(48:21):
like if you don't. I know people that are major
major germophobe, yes that correct, literally have never touched a
drinking or drug in their life, but they have they
have a sickness. Or how about addiction to productivity? Yeah,
they can't function in life as as they like to

(48:41):
because everything around them has germs and yeah, like what's
his name? The guy? What's so Now they become a
freaking recluse and they never want to leave their home
and it's sad. But you know the addiction stuff like
that's a disorder, right, they're not addicted, no, but but
addiction that is mental health talking about it is mental

(49:04):
health absolutely, But addiction, like Cheryl was talking about, absolutely,
you can get addicted to working, sex, love, relationship, shopping,
all of it. Do you know what I mean? Across
the board, Uh, spending and they're they're gambling, They're all,
you're still destroy lives, you know it can I'll destroy

(49:28):
that And that's why they have twelve step programs for
it's the excess. It's the excess of what we do.
It's like it's not just shopping once, but then it's
like spending everything, all your savings. Right, it's never enough, right,
never enough, It's it's always more. We need more of
whatever it is. I I love this next question because
I definitely dabbled in for a little for a little while.

(49:50):
Which the question is, with nonalcoholic beers such as o duels,
is that a safe alternative for alcoholics? Look, I could
from experience because I drank old Duels when I was sober. Um,
I drank sharps. Well, this is when I put together

(50:11):
six or almost seven years of being sober. But I
considered myself to be a dry drunk, you know, white
knuckling it, not working a program, not doing what is
asked of me. But just like it just makes sense, Okay,
I'm drinking o' duels at some point the taste of

(50:34):
beer and it's not beer. I want a beer. And
what did and and what inevitably happened. I picked up
a beer and I was right back on the saddle
and I went zero to immediately. But I never drank
for the taste. The results for the the taste, Yeah,
because obviously you're not gonna get you would need to

(50:56):
drink a hundred bottles and not po o' duels to
probably feel a buzz, but because there's less than point
five alcohol in it. But at the same time, it
tastes like a beer in a bottle, trick beer, and
it's yeah, once the once those wheels start turning, you're
opening that you're opening up that box again. So for

(51:19):
me personal opinion, yes, that is a bad idea if
you're trying to get sober. To add to what you're saying,
in my experience, most of the people that I've known,
this is over twenty years that we're drinking o'duels ended

(51:40):
up relapsing. Now do I think that o'duel's made them relapse, No,
it's the reason they were drinking. It is when once
you decide I'm done with this drinking, you'll do whatever
it takes to not drink anymore. You don't want to
attempt the devil. You don't want to mess you know.
It's like they say, if you hang out at a

(52:01):
barbershop long enough, you're going to get a haircut, right.
That's the old saint. So so here's the thing, right,
you end up the people that I've known that dranquild
duels are still somehow trying to vicariously drink, which means
they're not done drinking. Also, you can say the same
thing about smokers and vapes, right, like what is the difference? Well,

(52:25):
what do you mean by that? Like, are you a
smoker if you smoke a vape, a jewel? Oh, well
that's your nicotine addict for sure, But it doesn't mean
you're a smoker, right, plies cigarettes, I feel like it's parallel,
isn't it a little bit? Well, it is, and it's
I'm a nicotine addict and you're and you're addicting to nicotine,

(52:48):
whether you know it or not. Now it does. I
feel like jewels are more addicting than actually cigarettes is
some something I've argued that, I mean coming from I
used to smoke and now you know, yeah, don't watch
this moment oddly enough that there is something interesting there,
which is a lot of people in early recovery smoke.

(53:10):
Even if you weren't a smoker, you're looking for a fix?
Is it the fixation of the oral fixation? It's yeah,
it's something to something something it's something to do, something
to do. So what ends up happening is like if
you mess around with old duels, Ah, somehow you're tempting

(53:30):
the devil and you end up relapsing. But nicotine is
a drug. But I've known people that have thirty forty
fifty years off of drinking and other drugs and they
smoked the whole That's better if you have to choose somehow, somehow,
it didn't That one doesn't necessarily translate into an absolutely

(53:55):
makes you go to the bathroom more. I definitely want
to answer this next question. Uh, someone's asking me if
there's anything in particular that's kept me away from the
A program and um, what I'm doing to continuously work
on myself. You've mentioned that you meditate, so what, um,
what does that practice look like? Is there anything else

(54:16):
that you've found particularly helpful? Okay, So there's a lot
of questions in this one question, but um, okay, so
what has nothing in particular has kept me away? Now?
I haven't been very forthcoming, or I guess I haven't been.
I don't know when I decided to quit drinking. This
was two years ago, and Matt and I got when
we were actually at our engagement party. It was this

(54:39):
is It was a decision that happened right after my
father's death, and my father was an alcoholic. I was
reacting really weird to the alcohol, Like I started getting
hives all of a sudden, um, literally at the smell
of vodka, right, obviously that was my drink of choice.
Got me really read and flushed all of a sudden.
I was always that proud Asian American never got flushed,

(55:01):
you know when she drank, and I was able to
always drink so much of it. Um. And then I
just feel like my dad's death because I'm still learning,
you guys, how to feel my feelings, how to be vulnerable,
how to mourn Like I just literally just did this
show Long Island Medium where she talked to my father
like a few days ago, and I was just bawling
my eyes out for two hours straight. Didn't even say

(55:22):
a word really, And so I feel like just that,
just that, like having to really feel all of my
feelings from when I got sexually abused as a kid,
to the relationships, abusive relationships I had to anything, Like
I'm just feeling it the last two years. Um. Now
when it comes to a sorry, No I was gonna say,

(55:44):
I'm it really makes me feel good to know that
you were able to release a lot of that Oh
my god, because they're they're they're not totally and because
you're a tough cookie. Let's admit that that's the outer,
that's this, that's the service that you guys see. But really,
deep downside, I'm very insecure and um you know, well

(56:05):
the opposite to here. Just honestly, to hear you say
that you you cried a lot, it makes me feel good,
not not that you're crying, but to know that later,
sooner or later, you got to you got to go
through the grieving process. You know. I know when I
say you're a tough cookie, Yeah, you have a tough
fixed theory. I know totally, and that's all like fake.

(56:25):
You're a care bear underneath. But as far as like
an a program goes, I have actually been, especially now
that we're not dancing as much, it's been really curious
about joining one and possibly you know, if they'd have
me still joining a J and Rene's program, I listen,
I've been in therapy my whole life. Huh. With open arms,

(56:47):
we would welcome, you would open to you when oh,
I know, I know crew would be so stoked. But again,
my let me tell you my real feelings about it.
It's it's nothing to do with a program or what
I should or should not be doing. It's more about
the fact that the anxiety with meeting new people I
still have it. I still have this social anxiety which
I would numb normally, right, because then I'd be able

(57:09):
to be the class clown. But like that's not who
I am. Very introverted naturally and trust us, trust us.
All of us felt the same way the first time
you just do I look, I was. I came in
like looking around, thinking, like these people said, they know
what they're they're talking about steps, they're talking about this,

(57:31):
and I felt intimidated to be honest with you. But
like it helps me to know that you guys are
there obviously. Um. But as far as therapy goes, I've
been in therapy since I was four years old and
I still am in therapy. That's how I've been dealing,
on top of meditation as well. Just to answer that
last part of the question, it's like anything else. The
first time you come you join us, you're like scared,

(57:55):
But after that you're like, Oh, that wasn't so bad,
And then little bit you're like, oh, these are like
my family. I think hearing other people's stories help obviously.
And then and then it comes to a point where
no one else can get a word, and edge wise,
because your share is the longest share ever, it'll force

(58:16):
you to listen. I need some help with it. All right,
you guys, we're gonna take another quick break and then
we're gonna answer one more question when we come back.
Thanks for tuning in. All right, you guys, we are back, uh,

(58:37):
And before we do the very last question, Um, I
just think it's funny how I completely forgot what I
was gonna say. I'm just talking about headlines. Headlines, headlines, headlines,
son of a bitch, Jason Kennedy, I don't god dang it.

(59:02):
All right, Well, if it pops up again, it was
a good one too. And you said something last second,
and I don't know somebody did. It's probably just in
my head. It's my own day fault. Anyways, So we
have one last question, which is for myself and share
bear uh to me? How is dancement the star has

(59:22):
changed you as a performer? You know, I don't know
yet because I have not been able to perform uh
since the show wrapped. Um, but I can I I
can say this in absolute confidence that well, it's two things. One,
I just told my wife this this morning. I'm like,

(59:43):
we're gonna need about a month, maybe six weeks of rehearsals,
I think, to get us back ready to go back
on tour, because all I can think of right now
is the foxtrot, quick step, freaking walts, all every routine
gonna be like super O C D about like spacing.

(01:00:03):
I can remember all of those routines. I can't remember
any of ours right now. But I think your personality
has changed the way that you learn. And look there
that's changed. My postures changed. I'm now five ft eleven.
Thank you for that. Here's an idea, though, why don't
you teach the rest of the boys the fox now
them and that's your whole new gift. Honestly, I think

(01:00:25):
they're just gonna be O C D like I was
with you. When it comes to like arms matching, everything
has to match. Everything has to be like hid sync,
but not inst mean I am, I am. Myself and
Kevin are both like that because after every show, we
get a work tape or to watch the show back
to kind of give ourselves notes. Ken, but wait, hold on,

(01:00:46):
Nick though, how is he different? No, Nick has definitely
so look and he'd be the first to admit this.
He would be a little spastic dancing back in the
day like a freaking muppet, like when he did Dancing
with the Stars Arms. Yeah, he just looked like he
was dancing to a different drummer, very extra. And then

(01:01:06):
after he did the show, and he will be the
first to you know, tell you he learned to contain
when you have to contain, and go big when you
have to go big. His lines were Chris and he
was just he looked like a dancer than he ever
did before. It sounds to me like the show matures you.
It does. Yes, a great way to sum it up.

(01:01:29):
It and and maybe even disciplined, Yeah, because the amount
of discipline you were having to go through for this.
You know, I kind of went along the ride with
you and it was I mean, you you're discipline. You
guys are disciplined as the Backstreet Boys too, but it's
got to be new levels here. When you told me

(01:01:51):
that Rich and Tone used to throw chairs at you.
I was like, you guys used to throw chairs at
us when when we would groove off, But we don't
really goroove off as much anymore. Look, you gotta have fun.
You can't just make everything about what I was about
to throw chair at you once? I mean, look how
many how many times did we laugh un controllable most

(01:02:12):
of the time? No, not in between. Well, look, I
I war two hats. I'm like literally your friend right
like most of the time. And then I'm a dance teacher.
And so when i'm you're just your friend, or when
I haven't slept the night before, then then everything's all
fun and games. Then when I finally my feelings are like,
why am I have anxiety? Why do I have anxiety?

(01:02:33):
Why my treating people like crap? Because I feel insecure
about my choreography? Yeah, so Cheryl. They also wanted to know, uh,
when did Dancing with the Stars change the format of
the show from the dance of the week to where
the pros picked the dance for the lib That never actually,
you know, we never picked our dances for our celebrities.
It's not like they were like, Okay, so what do

(01:02:54):
you want to do this week? Um, we would we still.
I mean I can speak for myself because things have
changed quite a bit as far as the creative team
goes on dancing. But meaning now you're under the umbrella.
When you say creative team, it's not like wardrobe is
one team. Creative is one team. No, it's like it's
creative your wardrobe. You're also lighting, you are um like
if there's props, background dancers, music, so it's all under

(01:03:17):
one umbrella. Now that's what's different than before. Um. But
as far as picking out dances, so you have to
like kind of reverse psychology, Like what I did was
I gave music that basically where fit was a perfect
fit for the style of dance that I thought we
should need, we should do. But you and I were
really really very proactive. Celebrited. Yeah, well they ask you,

(01:03:39):
they give you a questionnaire, don't they in the beginning, Well,
they gave me a questionnaire before the first round of
rehearsals to go through all the different genres, all the
different whatever. And I'm like, I don't know, but you
and I were really good about that, Like we'd sit
and we would go through Okay, okay, it's the rumba

(01:03:59):
or well, for instance, your foxtrot, right, we should tell
them a little bit behind the scenes of like, Okay,
you had a song that obviously reminded you of Rochelle, right,
you and your guys is right? And we thought, yes, technically,
could the BPM of that song be a foxtrot? But
was it the same vibe as what a foxtrot is? No?

(01:04:21):
And was it hard for me to get inspired to choreograph? Yes.
So we sat down together and we were like, okay, so,
what what is it that you guys like other than
the song? Right, what's the next best thing? Yeah? And
and and to be honest, it worked out in our favor.
It worked out better. The vibe is more important than

(01:04:41):
the bpm. Yeah, It's just it's still a dancing show.
It's not a music show. So yeah, but like, we
do need a certain rhythm, right, we need a certain
bpm to fit even just the dance. But I I say,
forget about that. I say, if I had to choose,
it would be the vibe. It has to be that
classic foxtrot. It has to But it was. It was

(01:05:01):
It was like Fireflies on one Side from ol City,
which was the song that I wanted moving to Dean
Martin eat that a kick in the head. It's like,
whoa You know how i'd like to wrap up the
show today is in a big red boat's silver one

(01:05:24):
crazy year, but I will remember it as the year
A J decided to do the work and fill himself
up from the inside out. And I'm very proud of you. Think.
I have to tell you that I feel badly for
everyone out there that's suffering, losing their jobs and all

(01:05:47):
that stuff. But for me seeing you get sober, well, well,
I'll always remember it as the year you got sober.
I will remember a little pandemic stuff, a little bit
of mask He's give give yes, but I think that, Um,
I'm just so proud of you, man, I'm so proud
of you, and I'm proud of you. I'm proud you guys.

(01:06:10):
We could be in a lot worse places today than
could be doing this podcast totally. You know, I do
hear everybody when they do respond. Now I've been able
to really read everyone's comments, and um, we hear you
all and we are the main reason for me wanting
to do this was because I just know that my
problems are my own thoughts are a lot of other

(01:06:31):
people's thoughts, and until we start talking about it and
make a platform that's more comfortable for people to talk
about their feelings, then you know, we won't be able
to move forward, you know, as far as just mental
health does. And I don't know how you did it, Cheryl,
but you got it back in my head and I
remembered it, yes, which was when we did our virtual

(01:06:53):
meet and greet through looped. Uh. Last week, this girl
came on and she's said, She goes, a J. You
know I love you, but I love you more Renee.
I love the sound of your voice. I loved how
soothing it is. Literally, he goes by, where did you

(01:07:15):
hear that they love me? And I was dying did
you hear that they love me? It wasn't quite like
but you were giddy? Like I have to tell you
it was. It was so you're gonna start getting calls
from like com map and stuff to do meditation. It
was really it was really endearing. No, she said awesome,

(01:07:36):
She said it was fun for sure, but she said,
a J. I love you. I came for you, but
I'm staying for Renee. And then I was like, honey, honey,
did you Renee, I'm proud of you for honestly, first
of all, just for being every single person who's hearing
this or watching it needs to understand you're the definition

(01:07:57):
of a true friend and and somebody who has such
a solid foundation and m continuing to be you, your
unique self and sharing it with the world is very
very nice of you and generous and apparently taller than
real life and taller than real life. That that means
the world to me and you guys, we get to
go into this holiday season having fun talking with each other,

(01:08:21):
working through all this stuff, laughing our way through two
challenges and and everything. Nothing's off off, you know, like
as far as what we want to say, and like
you could just say anything, and I feel I feel
like this is a safe environment. So thank you absolutely.
And that's what people have been saying. They love the openness,
and it's like, well, that's that's how we would talk

(01:08:41):
without microphones, and we might as well keep it real, right. Well,
I'm just gonna to everybody out there tune into Instagram
live tomorrow because I am going to have a virtual
toast of Martin Nelly's with everybody that has been supporting
me for this past year being sober. So thank you all.

(01:09:05):
Love you guys, Charyl, I love you, Renee, I love you,
and everybody at home. I love you, guys, and thanks
for tuning in to another episode of Pretty Messed Up
on I Heart Radio Again. Don't forget to hit that
subscribe button and give us five stars. We love you guys,
and uh we'll see you guys and you'll hear us
next week. Follow Pretty Messed Up on I Hear Radio,

(01:09:30):
or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts