August 5, 2025 • 48 mins
In Part 1, Eboné’s guest shares how alcohol quietly took over her life, reflecting on her childhood trauma, early substance use, and the moments that shaped her alcohol addiction. She reveals a heartbreaking link between starting prescription medication as a child and later embracing alcohol—both times feeling more accepted, more “likable,” and more at ease in the eyes of others—a cycle she didn’t realize had started long before her first drink.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Pretty Private with Ebine, a space where no
question is off limits and storylines become lifelines. The views
shared by our guests are meant to inform, entertain, and empower.
From the laughs to the lessons, Just remember tough times
don't last, but professional Homegirls do enjoy the show.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener discretion is advice. What's
up Professional Homegirls? I hope all is cute? Ishagar ebyday
here and welcome back to another episode of Pretty Private
(00:41):
with Ebanay. Now, before we get into this week's episode,
let's do a little key key Okay. So after the rebrand,
you know, I told myself this season, I'm gonna give
it my all when it comes to scaling this business. Okay,
And I'm not just talking about the podcast. I'm talking
about everything that is under the Professional Homegirl umbrother.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Right, and Baby.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
When I tell y'all I am locked in, I absolutely
mean I am locked in. So I plan out the
next few months all the way into twenty twenty six.
You know, I'm mapping out goals that I will accomplish,
such as dropping volume three and Volume four of the
coloring book series, which is like very very very soon,
Like I'm super excited for you all to see what's
(01:26):
to come. And then also just grow my YouTube page,
so make sure you follow the Professional Homegirl on YouTube.
We are almost at one thousand subscribers. Make sure you
watch some videos because once I hit a certain threshold,
I will be able to monetize and also do some
really cool things on YouTube. So please please please make
sure you subscribe. And also most importantly, you know, I
(01:49):
just told myself that I need to get into rooms
where the people who make the decisions are at will
see me. Okay, I feel like most of y'all met me,
But for the most part, when you get to experience Ebana,
I feel like, you know, it's a good time here.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
You know.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
And I feel like that's the reason why people really
do enjoy my show, because they also have a relationship
with me. I mean, some of y'all even have my
personal numbers, so I think that speaks volumes. But you know,
I just feel like I'm a good time.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I'm good energy.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
So last week I went to Atlanta for the PRX
and Apple podcasts even and y'all know, lie, and this
is not a plug. It was really good, like it
was very intimate. You know, I saw so many of
my podcast friends and I even got to hang out
with my girl Cassandra from b well sis.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Hey girl, Hey.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
So we hit up different workshops like what's New at
Apple Podcasts, which was super informative, being a team of
one power and purpose as an independent which was so social,
so good, and I really enjoyed this conversation because I
think a lot of times when we are creating, we
feel as if we are the only one that is
experiencing things as an entrepreneur or a podcast or a creator.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
So it was very very.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Good to see people being honest and forthcoming about their
journeys and where they're at and their relationship with you know,
just trying to make it burnout and all the things
when it comes to creating. And last not least, we
also attended shows they love attracted and engaging listeners.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
And you know, I literally met everyone.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
That worked the Apple podcast like the Who's Who and
also at PRX, so it was such a good way
to connect face to face. Then, speaking of attracting listeners,
you know, me and Cassandra, we was kicking or whatever,
and she was like, oh yeah, cause I saw you
on the front page of Apple Podcasts on the new Shows,
and I was like, you saw who and she was like, yeah,
(03:43):
I saw you. Like I was gonna screenshot it, but
I figure you already know. So I was like, girl,
get the fuck out of here, like you gotta show
me like I'm feeding right, And just like that and
my Carrie Bradshaw voice pretty Private with ebanay is on
the front page of Apple podcast.
Speaker 5 (04:04):
Y'all.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
I was so freaking excited. I love Keywaning Crockash. I know,
I get like super emo. But you know what the
crazy part is. You know, I had this podcast idea
for years that I keep putting off, right, and I
kept thinking like, damn, well, people ain't even support this idea, Like,
you know, I don't really have no awards, which I
told myself I'm gonna start going out for. But I
also was like, I don't know, like I haven't even
(04:27):
been on the front page of Apple podcast yet. And y'all,
I swear God was like here girl, damn because right
after I had that thought, Cassandra told me about the
good News. So if you go on Apple Podcasts, if
you click browse, if you scroll down on their news shows.
Go to the right, you would see your girl right
(04:49):
there pretty private with Ebana. So I say all that
to say, never speak against yourself because the moment you
start doubting is off in the moment your blessing is
on the way. So thank you all for supporting and
make sure you share your screenshots of your girl on
the front page of Apple podcasts.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
Now.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
On this week's episode, our guest shared her journey with
alcohol and man, y'all.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
What a testimony.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
You know.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
We start off with why it's important to tell the
truth about family secrets and how that honesty can literally
save a life. We talk about her upbringing and how
her early relationships with medication as a child made her
more acceptan of alcohol because of the way it made
everyone feel around her. And once y'all hear this, it
was absolutely heartbreaking how she connected the tooth. So I'm
(05:42):
just super excited for you all to hear this conversation
and I really do hope you all enjoy it because
alcohol almost killed me.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
Part one starts now.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
To my guests, thank you so much for being on
the show.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
How you doing, how you feeling.
Speaker 4 (05:58):
Ebanay I and blessed? You know. I'm ready to do this.
Speaker 5 (06:03):
Who I feel like I'm at the top of roller coaster,
Rada gone down, So let's.
Speaker 3 (06:08):
Do it, y'all.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
She didn't ask me if my name was really up
inag She was like, is that your real name?
Speaker 4 (06:12):
I'm like, yeah, girl, I like that though. I'm like,
it's so different and unique.
Speaker 5 (06:18):
It is so rare that you like, especially with me
living in Atlanta, it's so rare for me to meet
anybody with like a really unique or different name.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
So it's very refreshing.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was like, what
who else name?
Speaker 4 (06:30):
Is it yours?
Speaker 3 (06:33):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (06:33):
Period?
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Well, I'm super excited to have you on this show.
I saw your story on YouTube, and I don't think
I ever had a conversation when it came to alcoholism.
And many of my listeners know this, but my mother
was an alcoholic, so this conversation.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Is very near and dear to me.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
And also I just know so many people that really
balanced alcoholism. So thank you so much for being a
part of the show.
Speaker 4 (06:57):
Oh Man, this is my pleasure.
Speaker 5 (06:59):
That's incredible, and I first off, I appreciate you sharing
that little piece of history with me, because for me,
with my journey I never even knew that for me personally,
my grandmother she passed away from sohosis of deliver right,
and so that's directly it's directly correlated to alcoholism. Unfortunately,
(07:21):
that's not something I found out until I was struggling
with alcoholism myself. So I feel like that's a gift
in itself to sometimes know, like about your family's history,
because I know for me, one of the things that's
been a struggle is I know, and I can't speak.
Speaker 4 (07:37):
For anyone else's family.
Speaker 5 (07:38):
I know my family and in my immediate community. You know,
there's always an importance to you know, lead people with
their dignity and their pride. However, if someone has struggled
with substances or alcoholism and they could be predisposed, it's
very very healthy, and I just feel like it's helpful
to kind of have that conversation and be like, you know,
(07:58):
Grandma had an issue with alcoholism. And even though it
might be fun to celebrate with and use it special occasions,
you got to be very careful because dependency and unmanageability
is very very real.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Dependency and unmanageability, that's a fact. You know, I'm jumping ahead,
but how did you find out about your grandmother having alcoholism?
Speaker 5 (08:20):
I found I feel like for me, I found out
in one I don't want to say like the worst way,
but like I found out when I was in rehab,
and you know, it was just kind of like my
therapist at the time was like encouraging me to kind
of ask my family, like, is there like a history
of drinking in my family, Like you have had any
struggles because growing up, I'd always been told that my
(08:42):
grandmother passed away from breast cancer and I am and
I the reason why I said like that and kind
of why verse what I was saying earlier was like,
you know, my mom, she always wanted her mom to have,
you know, that dignity and that.
Speaker 4 (08:57):
Pride, and I completely understand that.
Speaker 5 (08:59):
You know, you always want to put your elders or
people that mean a lot to you in high regards,
but I feel like you also sometimes have to take
off those fantasy glasses and put on what I like
to call your reality lenses. And it's like, your mom
died from a drinking problem, and it's very, very unfortunate. However,
I always just sometimes wonder if my mom would have
(09:21):
lived with my grandmother died from alcoholism instead of breast cancer.
How that may have framed my relationship with alcohol growing up.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Yeah, that was my next question. How do you think
they able to change your perspective on it?
Speaker 5 (09:33):
So for me, I like this is going to sound
so strange, but I feel I've always wanted someone to
tell my story too. So I've always in a way
kind of wanted to be a grandparent or just like
because I feel like the kids don't appreciate it, but
it's like the next generation does and some like. But
I've never knew my grandparents. I never knew my grandmother.
I never my grandfather one time and then he passed away.
(09:55):
So I've always had like surgeant older individuals in my
life and that's been beutiful, But like I've never had
that bond myself, and sometimes you know, just hearing how
people speak of their grandmothers and just like seeing that
relationship from the outside looking in, like it's a longing
that if you've met again.
Speaker 4 (10:13):
If you've never had it, I don't know what it's like.
Speaker 5 (10:15):
So it's like it just seems so far but yet
so close, And for me not ever being able to
have that relationship, I think knowing that if I knowing
that I never had that relationship because of alcoholism, I
know for a fact it would have framed everything differently
because for me knowing that my grandmother died or breast cancer,
(10:38):
I became incredibly adamant about Susan G. Coleman and like, yeah,
checked out right, and like I had the socks and
this and that, and like I was very involved because
my grandmother died of breast cancer.
Speaker 4 (10:52):
When my mom was twelt like that was the dogma.
I had been told, you're very young.
Speaker 5 (10:57):
Like breast cancer, breast cancer, breast cancer. And it took
for me being at a level for treatment center that alcoholism,
for my mom to be like, I don't know how
to tell you this. Your grandmother died of sorosis of
the liver. And it's like you say, we're talking like homegirls.
I'm like, when would you anna say that right?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Because I just feel like the say is somebody died
from breast cancer. That's like that is so extreme from
you know what I'm saying, from what it was like.
I just it just amazing to me how we have
so many family secrets and we try to cover things
up and it actually hurt us and help us.
Speaker 4 (11:32):
So we want to get to the truth.
Speaker 5 (11:33):
It's like my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer and
she beat it. However, unfortunately, because there wasn't any proper
mental health for black women at that time time, right
when my grandmother got that double missectomy, and she was
walking around feeling emasculated because she no longer had her breast,
(11:56):
and you know, people were looking at her different, and
you know, it was all these different you know, things
that were probably going on back then that we don't
even really know about now. She stumbled into alcoholism and
you know, yes, and you know, it was very, very
frightening hearing my mom telling me of she used to
go and get my grandmother when she be passed out
(12:17):
in the gutter and bring her back in and tuck
her in at night.
Speaker 4 (12:20):
And I'm thinking, like, if you would have.
Speaker 5 (12:23):
Told me these stories maybe about for a decade, like
you know what I'm saying, It's like I and it's
like I understand it's very hard for you telling me
this now, but it's like you're telling me this and
I'm in level for treatment right now, Like you're telling
me this, and I'm like with this drinking, like with
this drinking problem and this trauma and like these things
(12:45):
and it's like I'm finding out this information and it
just makes me wonder like if I would have only
known a little bit earlier, like what my life may
have looked like. And I'm not trying to say it,
like my life is ruined now and I can only
salvage what I got because I'm, you know, bless that's
by the grace of God that my story is what
it is. But I just can't help but implore to
(13:05):
people that if you know the truth about something that
really happened, even though you may want to hold those
people in very high regards, you gotta be like, we
gotta be real with ourselves.
Speaker 4 (13:16):
And like that's one of the things.
Speaker 5 (13:18):
And for me, like a blessing that being in Alcoholics
Anonymous in my program and my sponsor has really really
helped me with It's like it's acceptance because like two
things can be very very true at the same time.
It's like, my brother was a phenomenal woman. She was great,
she was at one point in time the patriarch of
(13:38):
our family, but she also had a terrible drinking problem
that brought her to her knees that apparently had her
daughter going out in the streets like we can't negate
for what that is because again I can only imagine
how it must have felt for my mom to, you know,
never have brought that up, but had to bring it
(13:58):
up because you see your daughter going down the same
path as your mom and I don't even know her.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
What's up, y'all, it's your girl Ebane here, And be
sure to follow me on Instagram and TikTok at pretty
private podcasts, and don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube
channel at the Professional Homegirl.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
Now let's get back to the show. That's also how.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
You break generational curses is when you have these honest
conversations and be honest about what really happened. Because if
you're telling me one thing and I'm being adamant about this,
but then come to find out I'm having I'm struggling.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
In this area.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
But this could have been avoided as well, you know
what I'm saying. So, but when you think about your
relationship with alcohol in the beginning, how would you describe it?
Speaker 5 (14:45):
Woo woo.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
I know you were a good time baby.
Speaker 5 (14:50):
I don't want to say it was a good time.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
No, I said, I know you was a good time.
Speaker 4 (14:54):
Oh listen still lamb.
Speaker 5 (14:56):
I feel like, if anything, I'm only better and greater
now that I'll absolute six years in. But what I
will say is my relationship with alcohol. I remember at
the beginning, it was like a vehicle. I always say,
like my so, my best friend her. So I'm from
North Carolina from the South. So I'm gonna use some
other terms in this in this interview. And if you
(15:17):
need me to break away or dissect, let me know
what or give you a glossary.
Speaker 4 (15:23):
I have no problem.
Speaker 5 (15:24):
So anyway, my friend's grandmother, she worked at a package
store or what so that's the ABC store.
Speaker 4 (15:31):
So I remember on.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
Friday she'd be like my friend would be like, hey,
you got your money, and you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (15:35):
We would get bottles or whatever.
Speaker 5 (15:37):
Cause like I would always have just like little alcohol
on me at the teen club, you know, want to
take a shot do this?
Speaker 3 (15:43):
Like but again for you, I want to say, I was.
Speaker 5 (15:46):
Maybe like sixteen seventeen, like like again, I think I
use it as a vehicle. Like at this point in time,
I wasn't crazy about drinking, but I know friends liked it.
Speaker 4 (15:55):
It was always kind of right.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
It was a social thing to.
Speaker 4 (15:57):
Do and me being just being transparent with you.
Speaker 5 (16:00):
I went to private Christian school my entire life, so
I felt like for me when I was in public
school in my high school in years, I was in overdrive,
as in trying to gain social capital and run it
up and become like and break the stigma or the
cycle of oh, miss public, excuse me, miss Christian school,
(16:21):
miss this, miss.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
That, because like for a while, like I had this
whole like.
Speaker 5 (16:25):
Miss Goodie two shoes, miss this, missed that kind of
stereotype because people just saw me coming from private Christian school,
and if you got to know me, you would know
the reason I wanted to go to my high schools
because I just felt like I lack culture and substance
and there were just so many things about my community
that I wanted to know.
Speaker 4 (16:44):
And it was like I would meet people and they
would be.
Speaker 5 (16:47):
Just speaking of different things, and I think it was
like Juneteenth and this is you know, I want to say,
like in the early two thousands, and it was just
like I didn't know about some of these things. I
was like, mom, I got to get to a predominated
black school, And sometimes I wonder what would have happened
if I would have stayed.
Speaker 4 (17:02):
In private Christian school, because I like.
Speaker 5 (17:05):
Just like the alcoholism kind of got ramped up over here.
There's you know, different vices and things that could have
happened over there. But when I was in I want
to say, when I was in high school, my relationship
with alcohol was it was more so of like a vehicle.
I like to kind of have it around for like
friends and stuff. I feel like things really really ramped
up when I was I want to say, about twenty
(17:31):
five on my own here in Atlanta. It just got
out of a really really nasty relationship with an alcoholic.
So I tell people one of the things that sometimes
can like trip people up, or what really interesting is
if you're in a relationship with someone and you're used
to drinking in that house, like you're used to turning
(17:52):
up in your living room, like you're familiar with what's
going on. If you decide to take that situation, same addictions,
same problems, and let's put you out, Like now you're
going out and about with friends. So whereas you're used
to sitting down your sitting your phone on the couch
and having a couple of shots and your phone is there.
You are in a bathroom and a club and you've
(18:13):
left your phone on top of the toilet paper.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Distrission, like you're being coherent.
Speaker 5 (18:18):
Yeah, and it's like because you're not used to that,
and like that's kind of where I found myself and
at this point, like just being honest, like I'm attractive
and this is Atlanta, Like I whether I have money
or not was not a problem, like I can.
Speaker 4 (18:33):
I used to have my friend, Like me.
Speaker 5 (18:34):
And my friend used to say we could go stand anywhere,
like we're gonna find them, Like I'm a motion magnet,
Like it don't matter. It's like it's coming to me.
But a lot of times it would become like you know,
this motion is coming, and now I put myself, you know,
in these risky situations because of my addiction. And you
know what I'm saying. One thing about addiction. Once the
(18:57):
ball gets rolling, for real, the standards get lower.
Speaker 4 (19:02):
Yeah, of course, just get higher.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Oh absolutely.
Speaker 5 (19:06):
And another thing that I feel like sometimes people don't
realize is an addiction. Like you're meeting a lot of
fast friends, a lot of new faces, and.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Like everything's just fast paced.
Speaker 5 (19:18):
Yeah, And I mean sometimes it's cool because it's like
you might meet someone and you guys are like on
the same wavelength. It seems like you guys are going
in the same direction, and it's it's cool. But then
you might meet someone and because you don't necessarily know
who this person is, things to jump off and anything
could happen because you're not again, you're not using your
best judgment, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
So, I mean, so, looking back, did you realize that
you had a drinking problem or when did that time
come when you went to rehab?
Speaker 5 (19:47):
I tell you this, and this is like kind of
I won't even say, like an inside joke, but I
feel like for me, no one, no one close to me,
no friend, no, none of that ever came was like
I think you have a serious problem with alcohol. It
was always like girl, you could throw him back, or
like last night, last.
Speaker 4 (20:09):
Girl, you already but I still rock with you.
Speaker 5 (20:13):
It was always it was never any seriousness like what
it took was. And remember I just told you about
making new friends. I had made a new friend who,
like you, had a mother that has suffered from alcoholism
and hung out a couple of times and he was
like you might not like me after what I'm about
to say to you, And I was like, what what
are you to say to me?
Speaker 3 (20:32):
Because he was able to identify it, he was like.
Speaker 4 (20:34):
You have a problem with alcohol.
Speaker 5 (20:36):
It was like he was like, I don't know what
our next step needs to be, but he's like, A two,
you can address this problem.
Speaker 4 (20:43):
We can't be friends.
Speaker 5 (20:45):
And so for me, I'm a chef and this person
was off to a chef. This was somebody I looked
up to, so like, hearing this come from him was
like gut punch, Like it wasn't it was worse than
any like I can't even describe, like it was one
of those things where it just made me really sit
out and be like I don't know what the game
(21:09):
plan is, but we can't be going out like this
like this is you know.
Speaker 4 (21:12):
So then it.
Speaker 5 (21:13):
Became like how, how, what and why can I fix this?
And like for me, you know, just being honest, I'm
glad at that point in time, I didn't have a
lot of projects things going on, so I could really.
Speaker 4 (21:31):
Check myself into detox. I could really you know, to
carry yourself, take care of myself.
Speaker 5 (21:37):
And I always implore to people because I don't think
sometimes this is spoke about or like people know this
is an option, or maybe it is, and again it's
just not spoken about. But like addiction is an illness
and like once you realize you need to get help
if you have a job, and I feel like there's
such a stigma around addiction. But for me, one of
(21:58):
the best things that I had and this is a
huge shout out to TJ Max, you know huge my
manager there.
Speaker 4 (22:06):
I was able to come to her.
Speaker 5 (22:07):
And tell her like, hey, I have a problem with this,
and she was like, look, she was like, I can't
guarantee a whole lot of things. She was like, however,
if you get yourself together and keep yourself in contact
with me, you will still have a job. Like she's like,
you will still have a job. And she gave me
some resources, like a list of resources and she's like
(22:28):
if you need.
Speaker 4 (22:29):
Anything else from me, like please, you know, come back,
let me know.
Speaker 5 (22:32):
But that was kind of like that got the ball
rolling it And then like what I said with my friend,
you know, he had to do this with his mother.
So when it came time to do detox, he was
the he was like, I'll take if you're serious about it,
I'll take you to detox. And he took like he
(22:52):
took me to detox. And you know, while I was
in detox. And again, all of this is self mandated.
I was never you court mandated. I've never gotten any DUIs.
I've never had where a judge was like I need
you to do anything. But at the time I did
have a dis like I had a disorderly conduct arrest,
like I had it pending, so I kind of had
(23:15):
also figured like I'm like, well, at least if I
get into detox and kind of show and like do
some community service and kind of jump on it.
Speaker 4 (23:23):
Yeah, they'll be like.
Speaker 5 (23:24):
Oh, like she's she's she's there her ways.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Yeah, Well, Waite, So were you drinking like all day
and all night or were you just drinking when you
would go out or it didn't matter.
Speaker 5 (23:38):
So my thing with alcoholism is it's it's never so
much of a like all day all night.
Speaker 4 (23:48):
It's more of a like star Yeah, ain't.
Speaker 5 (23:51):
No stopping like and when I say it's no stopping
like count empty, ain't no stopping.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
We got work, ain't no stopping stopping.
Speaker 5 (24:02):
We ain't got no whip ain't no stopping, Like we're
like it's gonna be like a three four day party,
like it's gonna get crazy, like and I can just
think back to so many times in my life where
you know, just for an just as an example, I'll
never forget and we're gonna get back to me doing
(24:24):
the detox. One thing for me that kind of was
like that just you know that would stick out is
it wouldn't necessarily like I would never need like a
reason to drink. But what would be really scary was like,
for instance, like I could wake up and I might
have a little something in the house, and whereas a
(24:46):
normal person might be like, oh, you know, I need
to leave that until later, my reward systems jip. So
I'm like, you know what, I don't woke up, bills
is paid, it's time to have a ChIL okay, you know,
and it's clearly ten o'clock.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
And you know, there'll be so many times.
Speaker 5 (25:06):
Where like, for instance, because I'm working individual, my job
might call me around eleven o'clock like, hey, someone.
Speaker 4 (25:14):
Called in, is it possible you can come into work?
Speaker 5 (25:16):
And I really got to make a decision where like
I might say something like if I come in, y'all
just got a post meaning like I'll be here but
like I've already gone, or either I'm gonna say something
like nah, guys, my stomach's a little messed up. I'm
not gonna be able to make it in. And I
know my manager already knew kind of what that meant,
you know what I mean. So after a while, it's
(25:38):
just like dealing with those type of things and living
that lifestyle, I feel like on the surface it looks
like a lot of fun, but underneath it's incredibly draining
and it's very, very hollow because again, like there is
a problem that you know about that you feel like
no one else can see, but everyone can see. Like
that was again for me, like another thing with my
(25:59):
alcoholism was like I was convinced that no one knew
about this problem but me, and it really wasn't even
a problem. I just, you know what I'm saying, had
a little issue doing thirty days sober. But I mean,
who does it, you know what I'm saying, Drinks be drinking,
and it's just like, nah, girl, like we got a
little hole in our soul, like we got a little trauma,
we got a little something that we're drinking on top
(26:21):
of there was a lot, a lot of trauma and
a lot of things that I had been through in
my teen years, in my adulthood and my relationship with
my mom. And it was like, until I went to
treatment and started really working on the inside, I was
never never going to be able to address.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
You know what things that you was experiencing.
Speaker 5 (26:45):
Yeah, because even now, it's like I was telling somebody,
I just got six years sober, and you know, I
was in a meeting earlier.
Speaker 4 (26:54):
I'm in a group called Ben's Friends.
Speaker 5 (26:56):
It's for sober people in food and beverage, like people
to work in restaurant chefs or whatever, and it was
like we were sitting around, I was like, damn, like
I've never had a white claw, I've never had costa
migos like I've met, like because these things have all
came out since we've all gotten sober, and it's just
and it's just so interesting because sometimes cause like if
(27:19):
you would have told me six years ago, like I
would have been able to sit someplace and been proud
of that, I'd have been like, nah, like I'm the
life of the party, like everybody knows, like I'm a
little misturned up, like you can't get it started without me,
Like what do you mean? Like this is who I am?
And it's like, no, it's not like this is the
role you like to play. This is the part of you,
This is the the actress you like to portray. But
(27:40):
it's like, deep down, you don't even like this shit,
you're tired of it.
Speaker 4 (27:44):
You don't know it.
Speaker 5 (27:45):
Yeah it is, and it's like for me, I just
feel so blessed that now I'm in a place like
I'm getting ready to take yoga's.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
Teacher training, Like I ain't know, I ain't know.
Speaker 5 (27:57):
I know one of my goals is to be able
to take yoga to women in early recovery, because I
feel like physical fitness and wellness and the movement is
it's a huge thing, and it's like and if you
are able to kind of.
Speaker 4 (28:11):
Tap in you, you really do miss out right.
Speaker 5 (28:14):
But not a lot of women have those opportunities and
that's not brought to them. So I really want to
be able to like use my story and like use
the food and use like the places I've gone and
really help help somebody else because I know, for me,
I just I didn't like I just didn't see it right.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Well, let's go back to the beginning, because you mentioned
about you and your childhood and just also just you
experiencing a lot of things, because I do believe that
addiction doesn't start with substance, it starts with pain. So
to us about you growing up and what kind of
an emotional world did you grow up in?
Speaker 5 (28:52):
So it's so interesting that this movie just drops. You
know what I'm about to bring up, girl draw, I
didn't watch why so I'm okay, So so you on
the fuck listen. I'm the perfect person because I'm not
even listen. I'm not even gonna the movie too deep. However,
what I will say is this. You know, I was
(29:12):
able to watch that movie, and I would never, never, never,
never say that I see my mom in Jania.
Speaker 4 (29:20):
What I will say is this I.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Saw wasi p Henson's character.
Speaker 5 (29:25):
Jenia was Taraji p Henson's character. But what I will
say is this, you know, like I am the product
of a single, single mom, and I did have triple
heart bypass surgery.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
At what age?
Speaker 5 (29:40):
At five months old? Mm hmm, So to say that
we went through a lot would be an understatement. Like
my mom, I don't know how she did it. I really, like,
I really don't, And it baffles me sometimes that our
relationship isn't better is it? Is it better than what
it is now? Because like, growing up, my mom was
(30:03):
like phenomenal, incredible. I remember hearing stories of like when
I have my surgery coming up, She's telling me how
she had prayer circles, prayer circles around the city, you know,
just different people in our church, just you know, praying
and helping and just like all of these things, Like
my mom worked incredibly hard. Like you heard me, I
(30:24):
went to private Christian school. I went since I was
two and a half. Like yes, So like as soon
as my mom was able to get back to work,
she was back to work.
Speaker 4 (30:33):
I was in school.
Speaker 5 (30:34):
We did not spend a lot of time together. I've
never went on a family vacation. However, I've been to
every camp you could probably think of, Like I've been
to Sign Language Camp, math and Richmond Camp, HYMCA, Crosby Juniors,
like you name it. I've been there. Like I probably
went down on scholarship. I've been there sponsored. Like so
(30:55):
like when I say my mom did her thing, like
definitely did her thing. However, I feel like there's always
like there's always a there's always a caveat.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
I feel like sometimes for.
Speaker 5 (31:13):
All the hard work, all the sacrifices, like I would
have loved to go on vacation with my mom, Like
my mom's incredible. I wish we would have had summers together.
Like you know, I remember when I was young, like
I had a garden and you know, me and my mom,
we would go out there and like she would be tired,
(31:34):
but she would always like she would always encourage, like
my dreams, and she would always want to be to
just know, like she would always believe in some of myself.
I'm not gonna sit here and be like my mom
believed in everything, because she definitely did not. And that
kind of leads to where we are now. But like
(31:55):
in the beginning, things were very, very nice. I had
a I've had an incredible childhood. I'm sure you heard
in my first interview, like I was a Sunday school
teacher at sixteen, so so you.
Speaker 4 (32:07):
Know, that just doesn't come on accident.
Speaker 5 (32:10):
However, that was also when I felt like I decided
to go to public school, and things for me really
just started changing and for lack of a better term.
I feel like I want to say, I feel like
I realized I was black, but I was coming into
more of like I'm not the only Like I went
from being the minority the major, to the majority, right,
being like the only black person in my classroom, being
(32:31):
surrounded by black people, yeah, and being like whoa, Like
they don't act like Alice, act like they don't act
like my old classmates at Like.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
I'm like, you know, some of these girls don't come
to school with belts on.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
So do you feel like at that time, that's when
the relationships started to shift.
Speaker 5 (32:55):
Oh, most definitely, most definitely, because I feel like, you
know how, just like with Adam and Eve, it was
like the knowledge of the tree of good and evil.
You don't know, but once you start, once someone starts,
once you start getting a little bit of exposure, a
little bit of this, a little bit of that, you know,
it happens in for me and let me just take
(33:15):
a step back. So I had like a I don't
want to say, like a bonus dad. I guess that's
what the term is, but like I had like a
stand in father role. And he didn't live in the
home with us, but he was definitely around and like
pick me up from school, and like, to my knowledge
and my whole life, my mom had told me, like,
(33:36):
this is your dad, like matter of fact, it was
like the reason you're like, she'd be like, you see
when your hair gets squared, it kind of curls up.
Speaker 4 (33:42):
That's where you got that from.
Speaker 5 (33:44):
So it's just like whole life like just kind of
insinuating this and perpetuating this. And you know, me being young,
I'm gonna say this. I feel like it did two things.
It was good because I feel like, in one way,
I got to grew up with like a pseudo father figure.
Like I had somebody giving me roses on Valentine's I've
(34:05):
had somebody picking me up from school taking me to
get ice cream afterwards.
Speaker 4 (34:09):
Like so he definitely paved the way and made.
Speaker 5 (34:13):
Like a lot of really long lasting, important, incredible memories,
which was great. I will never take that away from
mister Miller. I will forever be grateful for that. That
stand and roll, you know what.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
I'm saying, right however and verb.
Speaker 4 (34:32):
And but now you ready for this story to quis.
Speaker 3 (34:35):
Come on, girl landa plane landa playing girl.
Speaker 5 (34:40):
Landa So imagine me being in this new high school
with a teacher's assistant who I just happen to known,
like because I worked at a Wendy's and she worked
at the same Wendy's that I did or whatever. So
we knew each other like loosely, and we were having
like it was just like an O conversation. And she
(35:01):
was one of the like she was one of these
teachers like when she was a sub, Like we used
to watch one of those six in park the whole class,
Like she would let you go to atl all three lunches, Like, yeah,
she was one of them type teachers.
Speaker 4 (35:11):
Oh yeah, yeah, Miss Shannon was lit.
Speaker 5 (35:15):
So but anyway, Miss Shannon was also incredibly disrespectful because
we ended up kind of getting too well, no, we
end up getting into a back and forth and Miss
Shannon held no bars back and telling me my father
wasn't my father?
Speaker 4 (35:27):
Wo yeah right?
Speaker 3 (35:29):
How old were you?
Speaker 4 (35:31):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (35:31):
You was in high school so maybe like sixteen seventeen.
Speaker 5 (35:33):
I said, I was in the eleventh grade. I was
in the I'll never forget that.
Speaker 4 (35:36):
Shit, Like, how did she know that?
Speaker 3 (35:39):
Or is that something everybody knew?
Speaker 5 (35:40):
Like we lived in a really really small town and
I don't know how well miss Shannon knew mister Miller. However,
like mister Miller was a printer, and so sometimes whenever
he would have like large gigs, he would have like
different people come in and like help make the books
or whatever. And so I had seen missing in downtown,
(36:00):
and like I knew she had worked for mister Miller before.
So again like I seen her, I know her, I
know her. And that's kind of how our conversation had started.
Cause I was like, yeah, you be at my dad's shop.
She was like, your dad dad, ain't your dad? I
was like, yes, that is my dad. She's like, wow,
I don't know what they be telling you, girl, but
you play play she said it just like that. And
(36:21):
remember I'm straight out of private school. I was like,
I didn't know all the way what play play meant,
but I knew it didn't be serious. I was like,
oh my god, I gotta get out of here.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
When don't you go back into your mom and mister
Miller when she told.
Speaker 5 (36:34):
You so ebinay, we listen. Listen, I'm gonna take you
to where I'm at. IM gonna take you to where
I'm at. I'm sixteen, a grown adult just told you
your family, not your family. Like I went to my locker,
I gathered my belongings.
Speaker 4 (36:51):
I walked home. I didn't know who I was.
Speaker 5 (36:54):
Like, remember, ain't no social media, ain't no chat GPT,
ain't no AI, there's no Like, I'm like all these
feelings like how could you.
Speaker 4 (37:02):
Lie to me? Like this?
Speaker 5 (37:03):
Right?
Speaker 4 (37:04):
Who is my dad?
Speaker 1 (37:06):
What is this?
Speaker 5 (37:07):
Like?
Speaker 3 (37:07):
Right, It's like you're going crazy with it.
Speaker 4 (37:10):
I'm upset, I'm hurt.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
So many different different ranges of emotions.
Speaker 5 (37:17):
And because I feel like, for a lack of better terms,
like my mom is very emotionally stunted, and like I
said earlier, having a conversation about her own mother and
her own attributes was difficult for her. So this conversation
it pretty much ended like this, Like my mom pretty
(37:38):
much got up and walked away. And she's like, you know,
I did what I did the best I could do.
Speaker 4 (37:42):
You know. She's like, you know, you were young. We
just I tried, like.
Speaker 5 (37:47):
She and it was just always it was never like
it's never an acceptance, it's never any accountability. And like
after one thing I love about the program and Alcoholics
Anonymous is like you always have to take accountability for
your role that you played it in like yeah, yeah,
I'm an alcoholic, but like, didn't nobody put in drinks
(38:09):
down my throat?
Speaker 4 (38:09):
Abe? Okay, Like I have to take a part accountability
for my role in the situation.
Speaker 5 (38:17):
And it's like, yes, I believe mister Miller was my father,
but who was in senuating this?
Speaker 3 (38:23):
Yeah, I'm saying it justa.
Speaker 5 (38:25):
Whole you know, like my the only thing I feel
like sometimes I kind of it kind of and again,
I always just had to give so much grace in
this situation because like I was sixteen seventeen when this happened,
so like I was very upset. I was unself with
my mom and I was gonna say with mister Miller
because I'm like, well, y'all just not gonna say nothing,
(38:46):
like whoa Like how was this gonna play out? Like
like who is my real dad?
Speaker 4 (38:51):
Like? What is this?
Speaker 3 (38:52):
Did you ever find out who your real dad was?
Speaker 5 (38:55):
Yes? And that opened up a whole nother candle, Like
it opened up a whole can of worms. And it
was just kind of like, you know, my mom had
always been really funny about like me holding on them
like my birth because at this point in time, I
was working and I was needing my births.
Speaker 4 (39:10):
Datific Kate like more than I and stuff.
Speaker 5 (39:14):
Right, it was one of these like oh I can
bring it up here, Oh I'll take it, and I
just be the one day like I'm not gonna lose it.
Like but then thinking back, it was like, nah, my
real father's name was on it. That's what that was.
And it was like all this intentionality that went into
a facade only for when it to come for when
it to hit the fan and like the.
Speaker 4 (39:35):
Truth really really really really really come out. You can't
even stand up in it.
Speaker 5 (39:42):
With.
Speaker 4 (39:43):
To me, it's just kind of like now friends, m M.
Speaker 5 (39:50):
It's like it's like now, Mom, now, how you're gonna
be out here?
Speaker 4 (39:54):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (39:54):
Like, and again, you know, it's just always you know,
I always have I always hold s face in my
heart for my mom. But there have been a lot
of things that have just taken place where it's just
like dang, like right, this is this is this is
this is rough because like because I'm like the first
(40:15):
like I was just talking to my therapist now, you know,
like her birthday was June twelfth. I called her, I
text her, I don't get any type of response, and
it's just kind of like woo yeah.
Speaker 4 (40:29):
Interesting.
Speaker 5 (40:30):
But again, you know, everybody heals or doesn't heal differently,
and sometimes you just have to you know, I don't
want to say, you know, no contact.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
But you just really have to put boundaries on your piece.
Speaker 3 (40:43):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
So wait, so do you have a relationship with your
real father now? And what's your relationship like with mister Miller.
Speaker 4 (40:50):
So, mister Miller unfortunately passed away. He died. Oh, it's okay,
it's good. He died in two I want to say,
like two thousand, like nine. Man, yeah, he died in.
Speaker 5 (41:03):
Two thousand and nine. And then my real father he
passed away I want to say twenty fifteen ish and
unfortunately and unfortunately he was actually married.
Speaker 3 (41:18):
So oh that's why.
Speaker 5 (41:22):
Oh yeah, ebeney, now we get in to the tea baby.
Speaker 3 (41:27):
That's why she didn't want to tell him.
Speaker 5 (41:30):
But this was but again, so I don't know if
you ever heard the term compound trauma. There was no
feeling like my mom calling me and telling me like
my biological father had passed and you know where he
was or whatever, and it's like, because of.
Speaker 4 (41:49):
Whatever's going on, you know.
Speaker 5 (41:51):
I called the funeral home and I was just like, hey,
I was informed that this was my biological father and
he's passed away. I was like, could you leave my
contact information here for the family. I was like, I'm
a call back in a couple of days and you know,
we can go from there. I called back a couple
of days later. Evan, Nah, the folks they want nothing
to do with me.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Be okay, Oh wow, So till this day you haven't
had any conversations with them.
Speaker 4 (42:16):
No, And like the.
Speaker 5 (42:17):
Real and this is where and this is where being
honest kind of comes into like helping everything for the
greater good. So my biological father was in the military.
Speaker 4 (42:28):
Yes, yes, so you're hearing what I'm hearing.
Speaker 5 (42:31):
Pension benefits, like all kinds of stuff there was missed though,
Like and it's just like, again, I understand, people make mistakes,
people do different things, but like, at some point in time,
we gotta face.
Speaker 4 (42:43):
The like we gotta face the music, and right, you
know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (42:47):
And it's like I feel like sometimes especially you know,
I had a lot of commocuous relationships with black women,
and I've actually went out of my way to try
and be so after incorporate more femininity, and a lot
of that actually came in while I was in my program,
because like one thing you realize is like when I
(43:08):
was in my addiction, I didn't have female friends, Like
I didn't have no reason to like I didn't want
no sisterhood, I didn't want no closeness. Like if anything
I thought I thought women was haters my sex read
I'm like where a man at like you get went on,
Like that's too much.
Speaker 3 (43:24):
I'm not going to turn up right right right.
Speaker 5 (43:28):
But it becomes it becomes really difficult when you never
witness accountability in female leadership firsthand, because I know for me,
it's like you know how sometimes you'll just think about
I think now sometimes like when I'll go on like
social media, for instance, like on Mother's Day, and I
(43:50):
see like women write about like their mom and.
Speaker 4 (43:53):
Like different qualities they have and different things that.
Speaker 5 (43:56):
Their moms have done, and it's like, wow, that's amazing,
Like I'm sure my mom has some of those capabilities,
but she also has some other character defects that she's
got to work on right, come to term with that,
Like certain things can't come to fruition, and you know again,
I feel like the best thing about going through treatment
(44:20):
or a program is you learn that if you don't
have those tough, sticky, nasty conversations, you can never get
to those hilltops. You'll never get to those wonderful moments
because in the ruffling of the feathers comes comes the serenity,
(44:40):
comes the okay, like, here's what's going on. But it's like,
if we can never address what's going on, if you
can never be like I was, you know, doing this,
doing that, whatever, Like if you can't even.
Speaker 4 (44:52):
Admit what happened, we can never move on. It's like
it never happened.
Speaker 2 (44:57):
Yeah, But you know, it was another point that you
up in the when I was doing my research with you,
doing my research about you, because you mentioned that when
you was a child, you was diagnosed with ADHD and
you were put on medication, and that's something that you resented.
So I was thinking, like, do you think that being
medicated as a child shaped the way you view or
you substance later on.
Speaker 5 (45:18):
So let me tell you this, And I'm so glad
you brought this up, because this was one of the
things where it became real, like it became a real crossroads.
I remember getting diagnosed, like I like when I say
diagnosed for ADHD, Like I remember going to a place
and it was like nothing I've ever like to this day,
(45:39):
I'm waiting to go back. This was like this was
a kid's dream. I mean it was like slides and
ball rooms and balances, like it was so like I
just remember it was so much stuff like like and
everybody was like, you're doing great, just keep playing.
Speaker 4 (45:53):
I was like I didn't know what to do. And then.
Speaker 5 (45:58):
Then came this, this, next this next time. It was like, oh,
based on the results we got it that you did
at this lab, we're gonna put you on this medication.
Speaker 4 (46:07):
And you know, like I'm just gonna be honest with you.
Speaker 5 (46:10):
We're having this phone conversation, you know, my mom sat
me down and you know, I'm at this private, predominantly
white Christian school, and my mom was like, I need
you to take this medicine and I need you.
Speaker 4 (46:21):
You're gonna have You're gonna have to do what's right.
Speaker 5 (46:23):
And I remember being like, you know, after taking it
a little while, being like I really don't like the
way this feels, like I don't I don't have an appetite,
like I have to use the bathroom, like I.
Speaker 4 (46:33):
Like, I don't. I don't like taking this medicine.
Speaker 5 (46:36):
And my mom's like she's one of those parents where
it's like if a doctor tells her something, ain't no
second opinion, ain't nothing.
Speaker 4 (46:44):
We're taking that diagnosis. We running with it.
Speaker 5 (46:47):
And it's like I was a riddling kid, like heavy riddling,
Like I remember my teacher at one point, my second
grade teacher, he had advocated for me. He was like,
I don't know if this dose is just necessary, Like
I remember going like being older, going back and reading
the notes, and you know there's something to be said
(47:07):
for the parent that doesn't listen to the child when
they say I don't.
Speaker 4 (47:11):
Like how this feels.
Speaker 5 (47:12):
Because when I got older, I remember being in clubs
and bars and not liking that first, second, or third shot.
But I knew like my friends like me when I
got drunk, like everybody else like me when I turn up.
So there goes that gyp sense of approval. So let
me just take this real quick in I don't care
how it's gonna make me feel.
Speaker 4 (47:33):
Everybody else is gonna like this version.
Speaker 2 (47:36):
And that concludes part one of this week's episode, and Chow.
What's a Conversation My God? Part two drops next week,
so in the meantime, if you want to keep key
about this week's episode, make sure to email me at
hello at THEPSG podcast dot com and until next time,
everyone later. Pretty Private is a production of the Black
(48:06):
Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show,
and you can connect with me on social media at
Pretty Private Podcasts.
Welcome to Pretty Private with Ebine, a space where no
question is off limits and storylines become lifelines. The views
shared by our guests are meant to inform, entertain, and empower.
From the laughs to the lessons, Just remember tough times
don't last, but professional Homegirls do enjoy the show.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener discretion is advice. What's
up Professional Homegirls? I hope all is cute? Ishagar ebyday
here and welcome back to another episode of Pretty Private
(00:41):
with Ebanay. Now, before we get into this week's episode,
let's do a little key key Okay. So after the rebrand,
you know, I told myself this season, I'm gonna give
it my all when it comes to scaling this business. Okay,
And I'm not just talking about the podcast. I'm talking
about everything that is under the Professional Homegirl umbrother.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Right, and Baby.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
When I tell y'all I am locked in, I absolutely
mean I am locked in. So I plan out the
next few months all the way into twenty twenty six.
You know, I'm mapping out goals that I will accomplish,
such as dropping volume three and Volume four of the
coloring book series, which is like very very very soon,
Like I'm super excited for you all to see what's
(01:26):
to come. And then also just grow my YouTube page,
so make sure you follow the Professional Homegirl on YouTube.
We are almost at one thousand subscribers. Make sure you
watch some videos because once I hit a certain threshold,
I will be able to monetize and also do some
really cool things on YouTube. So please please please make
sure you subscribe. And also most importantly, you know, I
(01:49):
just told myself that I need to get into rooms
where the people who make the decisions are at will
see me. Okay, I feel like most of y'all met me,
But for the most part, when you get to experience Ebana,
I feel like, you know, it's a good time here.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
You know.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
And I feel like that's the reason why people really
do enjoy my show, because they also have a relationship
with me. I mean, some of y'all even have my
personal numbers, so I think that speaks volumes. But you know,
I just feel like I'm a good time.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I'm good energy.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
So last week I went to Atlanta for the PRX
and Apple podcasts even and y'all know, lie, and this
is not a plug. It was really good, like it
was very intimate. You know, I saw so many of
my podcast friends and I even got to hang out
with my girl Cassandra from b well sis.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Hey girl, Hey.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
So we hit up different workshops like what's New at
Apple Podcasts, which was super informative, being a team of
one power and purpose as an independent which was so social,
so good, and I really enjoyed this conversation because I
think a lot of times when we are creating, we
feel as if we are the only one that is
experiencing things as an entrepreneur or a podcast or a creator.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
So it was very very.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Good to see people being honest and forthcoming about their
journeys and where they're at and their relationship with you know,
just trying to make it burnout and all the things
when it comes to creating. And last not least, we
also attended shows they love attracted and engaging listeners.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
And you know, I literally met everyone.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
That worked the Apple podcast like the Who's Who and
also at PRX, so it was such a good way
to connect face to face. Then, speaking of attracting listeners,
you know, me and Cassandra, we was kicking or whatever,
and she was like, oh yeah, cause I saw you
on the front page of Apple Podcasts on the new Shows,
and I was like, you saw who and she was like, yeah,
(03:43):
I saw you. Like I was gonna screenshot it, but
I figure you already know. So I was like, girl,
get the fuck out of here, like you gotta show
me like I'm feeding right, And just like that and
my Carrie Bradshaw voice pretty Private with ebanay is on
the front page of Apple podcast.
Speaker 5 (04:04):
Y'all.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
I was so freaking excited. I love Keywaning Crockash. I know,
I get like super emo. But you know what the
crazy part is. You know, I had this podcast idea
for years that I keep putting off, right, and I
kept thinking like, damn, well, people ain't even support this idea, Like,
you know, I don't really have no awards, which I
told myself I'm gonna start going out for. But I
also was like, I don't know, like I haven't even
(04:27):
been on the front page of Apple podcast yet. And y'all,
I swear God was like here girl, damn because right
after I had that thought, Cassandra told me about the
good News. So if you go on Apple Podcasts, if
you click browse, if you scroll down on their news shows.
Go to the right, you would see your girl right
(04:49):
there pretty private with Ebana. So I say all that
to say, never speak against yourself because the moment you
start doubting is off in the moment your blessing is
on the way. So thank you all for supporting and
make sure you share your screenshots of your girl on
the front page of Apple podcasts.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
Now.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
On this week's episode, our guest shared her journey with
alcohol and man, y'all.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
What a testimony.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
You know.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
We start off with why it's important to tell the
truth about family secrets and how that honesty can literally
save a life. We talk about her upbringing and how
her early relationships with medication as a child made her
more acceptan of alcohol because of the way it made
everyone feel around her. And once y'all hear this, it
was absolutely heartbreaking how she connected the tooth. So I'm
(05:42):
just super excited for you all to hear this conversation
and I really do hope you all enjoy it because
alcohol almost killed me.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
Part one starts now.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
To my guests, thank you so much for being on
the show.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
How you doing, how you feeling.
Speaker 4 (05:58):
Ebanay I and blessed? You know. I'm ready to do this.
Speaker 5 (06:03):
Who I feel like I'm at the top of roller coaster,
Rada gone down, So let's.
Speaker 3 (06:08):
Do it, y'all.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
She didn't ask me if my name was really up
inag She was like, is that your real name?
Speaker 4 (06:12):
I'm like, yeah, girl, I like that though. I'm like,
it's so different and unique.
Speaker 5 (06:18):
It is so rare that you like, especially with me
living in Atlanta, it's so rare for me to meet
anybody with like a really unique or different name.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
So it's very refreshing.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was like, what
who else name?
Speaker 4 (06:30):
Is it yours?
Speaker 3 (06:33):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (06:33):
Period?
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Well, I'm super excited to have you on this show.
I saw your story on YouTube, and I don't think
I ever had a conversation when it came to alcoholism.
And many of my listeners know this, but my mother
was an alcoholic, so this conversation.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Is very near and dear to me.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
And also I just know so many people that really
balanced alcoholism. So thank you so much for being a
part of the show.
Speaker 4 (06:57):
Oh Man, this is my pleasure.
Speaker 5 (06:59):
That's incredible, and I first off, I appreciate you sharing
that little piece of history with me, because for me,
with my journey I never even knew that for me personally,
my grandmother she passed away from sohosis of deliver right,
and so that's directly it's directly correlated to alcoholism. Unfortunately,
(07:21):
that's not something I found out until I was struggling
with alcoholism myself. So I feel like that's a gift
in itself to sometimes know, like about your family's history,
because I know for me, one of the things that's
been a struggle is I know, and I can't speak.
Speaker 4 (07:37):
For anyone else's family.
Speaker 5 (07:38):
I know my family and in my immediate community. You know,
there's always an importance to you know, lead people with
their dignity and their pride. However, if someone has struggled
with substances or alcoholism and they could be predisposed, it's
very very healthy, and I just feel like it's helpful
to kind of have that conversation and be like, you know,
(07:58):
Grandma had an issue with alcoholism. And even though it
might be fun to celebrate with and use it special occasions,
you got to be very careful because dependency and unmanageability
is very very real.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Dependency and unmanageability, that's a fact. You know, I'm jumping ahead,
but how did you find out about your grandmother having alcoholism?
Speaker 5 (08:20):
I found I feel like for me, I found out
in one I don't want to say like the worst way,
but like I found out when I was in rehab,
and you know, it was just kind of like my
therapist at the time was like encouraging me to kind
of ask my family, like, is there like a history
of drinking in my family, Like you have had any
struggles because growing up, I'd always been told that my
(08:42):
grandmother passed away from breast cancer and I am and
I the reason why I said like that and kind
of why verse what I was saying earlier was like,
you know, my mom, she always wanted her mom to have,
you know, that dignity and that.
Speaker 4 (08:57):
Pride, and I completely understand that.
Speaker 5 (08:59):
You know, you always want to put your elders or
people that mean a lot to you in high regards,
but I feel like you also sometimes have to take
off those fantasy glasses and put on what I like
to call your reality lenses. And it's like, your mom
died from a drinking problem, and it's very, very unfortunate. However,
I always just sometimes wonder if my mom would have
(09:21):
lived with my grandmother died from alcoholism instead of breast cancer.
How that may have framed my relationship with alcohol growing up.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Yeah, that was my next question. How do you think
they able to change your perspective on it?
Speaker 5 (09:33):
So for me, I like this is going to sound
so strange, but I feel I've always wanted someone to
tell my story too. So I've always in a way
kind of wanted to be a grandparent or just like
because I feel like the kids don't appreciate it, but
it's like the next generation does and some like. But
I've never knew my grandparents. I never knew my grandmother.
I never my grandfather one time and then he passed away.
(09:55):
So I've always had like surgeant older individuals in my
life and that's been beutiful, But like I've never had
that bond myself, and sometimes you know, just hearing how
people speak of their grandmothers and just like seeing that
relationship from the outside looking in, like it's a longing
that if you've met again.
Speaker 4 (10:13):
If you've never had it, I don't know what it's like.
Speaker 5 (10:15):
So it's like it just seems so far but yet
so close, And for me not ever being able to
have that relationship, I think knowing that if I knowing
that I never had that relationship because of alcoholism, I
know for a fact it would have framed everything differently
because for me knowing that my grandmother died or breast cancer,
(10:38):
I became incredibly adamant about Susan G. Coleman and like, yeah,
checked out right, and like I had the socks and
this and that, and like I was very involved because
my grandmother died of breast cancer.
Speaker 4 (10:52):
When my mom was twelt like that was the dogma.
I had been told, you're very young.
Speaker 5 (10:57):
Like breast cancer, breast cancer, breast cancer. And it took
for me being at a level for treatment center that alcoholism,
for my mom to be like, I don't know how
to tell you this. Your grandmother died of sorosis of
the liver. And it's like you say, we're talking like homegirls.
I'm like, when would you anna say that right?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Because I just feel like the say is somebody died
from breast cancer. That's like that is so extreme from
you know what I'm saying, from what it was like.
I just it just amazing to me how we have
so many family secrets and we try to cover things
up and it actually hurt us and help us.
Speaker 4 (11:32):
So we want to get to the truth.
Speaker 5 (11:33):
It's like my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer and
she beat it. However, unfortunately, because there wasn't any proper
mental health for black women at that time time, right
when my grandmother got that double missectomy, and she was
walking around feeling emasculated because she no longer had her breast,
(11:56):
and you know, people were looking at her different, and
you know, it was all these different you know, things
that were probably going on back then that we don't
even really know about now. She stumbled into alcoholism and
you know, yes, and you know, it was very, very
frightening hearing my mom telling me of she used to
go and get my grandmother when she be passed out
(12:17):
in the gutter and bring her back in and tuck
her in at night.
Speaker 4 (12:20):
And I'm thinking, like, if you would have.
Speaker 5 (12:23):
Told me these stories maybe about for a decade, like
you know what I'm saying, It's like I and it's
like I understand it's very hard for you telling me
this now, but it's like you're telling me this and
I'm in level for treatment right now, Like you're telling
me this, and I'm like with this drinking, like with
this drinking problem and this trauma and like these things
(12:45):
and it's like I'm finding out this information and it
just makes me wonder like if I would have only
known a little bit earlier, like what my life may
have looked like. And I'm not trying to say it,
like my life is ruined now and I can only
salvage what I got because I'm, you know, bless that's
by the grace of God that my story is what
it is. But I just can't help but implore to
(13:05):
people that if you know the truth about something that
really happened, even though you may want to hold those
people in very high regards, you gotta be like, we
gotta be real with ourselves.
Speaker 4 (13:16):
And like that's one of the things.
Speaker 5 (13:18):
And for me, like a blessing that being in Alcoholics
Anonymous in my program and my sponsor has really really
helped me with It's like it's acceptance because like two
things can be very very true at the same time.
It's like, my brother was a phenomenal woman. She was great,
she was at one point in time the patriarch of
(13:38):
our family, but she also had a terrible drinking problem
that brought her to her knees that apparently had her
daughter going out in the streets like we can't negate
for what that is because again I can only imagine
how it must have felt for my mom to, you know,
never have brought that up, but had to bring it
(13:58):
up because you see your daughter going down the same
path as your mom and I don't even know her.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
What's up, y'all, it's your girl Ebane here, And be
sure to follow me on Instagram and TikTok at pretty
private podcasts, and don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube
channel at the Professional Homegirl.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
Now let's get back to the show. That's also how.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
You break generational curses is when you have these honest
conversations and be honest about what really happened. Because if
you're telling me one thing and I'm being adamant about this,
but then come to find out I'm having I'm struggling.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
In this area.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
But this could have been avoided as well, you know
what I'm saying. So, but when you think about your
relationship with alcohol in the beginning, how would you describe it?
Speaker 5 (14:45):
Woo woo.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
I know you were a good time baby.
Speaker 5 (14:50):
I don't want to say it was a good time.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
No, I said, I know you was a good time.
Speaker 4 (14:54):
Oh listen still lamb.
Speaker 5 (14:56):
I feel like, if anything, I'm only better and greater
now that I'll absolute six years in. But what I
will say is my relationship with alcohol. I remember at
the beginning, it was like a vehicle. I always say,
like my so, my best friend her. So I'm from
North Carolina from the South. So I'm gonna use some
other terms in this in this interview. And if you
(15:17):
need me to break away or dissect, let me know
what or give you a glossary.
Speaker 4 (15:23):
I have no problem.
Speaker 5 (15:24):
So anyway, my friend's grandmother, she worked at a package
store or what so that's the ABC store.
Speaker 4 (15:31):
So I remember on.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
Friday she'd be like my friend would be like, hey,
you got your money, and you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (15:35):
We would get bottles or whatever.
Speaker 5 (15:37):
Cause like I would always have just like little alcohol
on me at the teen club, you know, want to
take a shot do this?
Speaker 3 (15:43):
Like but again for you, I want to say, I was.
Speaker 5 (15:46):
Maybe like sixteen seventeen, like like again, I think I
use it as a vehicle. Like at this point in time,
I wasn't crazy about drinking, but I know friends liked it.
Speaker 4 (15:55):
It was always kind of right.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
It was a social thing to.
Speaker 4 (15:57):
Do and me being just being transparent with you.
Speaker 5 (16:00):
I went to private Christian school my entire life, so
I felt like for me when I was in public
school in my high school in years, I was in overdrive,
as in trying to gain social capital and run it
up and become like and break the stigma or the
cycle of oh, miss public, excuse me, miss Christian school,
(16:21):
miss this, miss.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
That, because like for a while, like I had this
whole like.
Speaker 5 (16:25):
Miss Goodie two shoes, miss this, missed that kind of
stereotype because people just saw me coming from private Christian school,
and if you got to know me, you would know
the reason I wanted to go to my high schools
because I just felt like I lack culture and substance
and there were just so many things about my community
that I wanted to know.
Speaker 4 (16:44):
And it was like I would meet people and they
would be.
Speaker 5 (16:47):
Just speaking of different things, and I think it was
like Juneteenth and this is you know, I want to say,
like in the early two thousands, and it was just
like I didn't know about some of these things. I
was like, mom, I got to get to a predominated
black school, And sometimes I wonder what would have happened
if I would have stayed.
Speaker 4 (17:02):
In private Christian school, because I like.
Speaker 5 (17:05):
Just like the alcoholism kind of got ramped up over here.
There's you know, different vices and things that could have
happened over there. But when I was in I want
to say, when I was in high school, my relationship
with alcohol was it was more so of like a vehicle.
I like to kind of have it around for like
friends and stuff. I feel like things really really ramped
up when I was I want to say, about twenty
(17:31):
five on my own here in Atlanta. It just got
out of a really really nasty relationship with an alcoholic.
So I tell people one of the things that sometimes
can like trip people up, or what really interesting is
if you're in a relationship with someone and you're used
to drinking in that house, like you're used to turning
(17:52):
up in your living room, like you're familiar with what's
going on. If you decide to take that situation, same addictions,
same problems, and let's put you out, Like now you're
going out and about with friends. So whereas you're used
to sitting down your sitting your phone on the couch
and having a couple of shots and your phone is there.
You are in a bathroom and a club and you've
(18:13):
left your phone on top of the toilet paper.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Distrission, like you're being coherent.
Speaker 5 (18:18):
Yeah, and it's like because you're not used to that,
and like that's kind of where I found myself and
at this point, like just being honest, like I'm attractive
and this is Atlanta, Like I whether I have money
or not was not a problem, like I can.
Speaker 4 (18:33):
I used to have my friend, Like me.
Speaker 5 (18:34):
And my friend used to say we could go stand anywhere,
like we're gonna find them, Like I'm a motion magnet,
Like it don't matter. It's like it's coming to me.
But a lot of times it would become like you know,
this motion is coming, and now I put myself, you know,
in these risky situations because of my addiction. And you
know what I'm saying. One thing about addiction. Once the
(18:57):
ball gets rolling, for real, the standards get lower.
Speaker 4 (19:02):
Yeah, of course, just get higher.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Oh absolutely.
Speaker 5 (19:06):
And another thing that I feel like sometimes people don't
realize is an addiction. Like you're meeting a lot of
fast friends, a lot of new faces, and.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Like everything's just fast paced.
Speaker 5 (19:18):
Yeah, And I mean sometimes it's cool because it's like
you might meet someone and you guys are like on
the same wavelength. It seems like you guys are going
in the same direction, and it's it's cool. But then
you might meet someone and because you don't necessarily know
who this person is, things to jump off and anything
could happen because you're not again, you're not using your
best judgment, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
So, I mean, so, looking back, did you realize that
you had a drinking problem or when did that time
come when you went to rehab?
Speaker 5 (19:47):
I tell you this, and this is like kind of
I won't even say, like an inside joke, but I
feel like for me, no one, no one close to me,
no friend, no, none of that ever came was like
I think you have a serious problem with alcohol. It
was always like girl, you could throw him back, or
like last night, last.
Speaker 4 (20:09):
Girl, you already but I still rock with you.
Speaker 5 (20:13):
It was always it was never any seriousness like what
it took was. And remember I just told you about
making new friends. I had made a new friend who,
like you, had a mother that has suffered from alcoholism
and hung out a couple of times and he was
like you might not like me after what I'm about
to say to you, And I was like, what what
are you to say to me?
Speaker 3 (20:32):
Because he was able to identify it, he was like.
Speaker 4 (20:34):
You have a problem with alcohol.
Speaker 5 (20:36):
It was like he was like, I don't know what
our next step needs to be, but he's like, A two,
you can address this problem.
Speaker 4 (20:43):
We can't be friends.
Speaker 5 (20:45):
And so for me, I'm a chef and this person
was off to a chef. This was somebody I looked
up to, so like, hearing this come from him was
like gut punch, Like it wasn't it was worse than
any like I can't even describe, like it was one
of those things where it just made me really sit
out and be like I don't know what the game
(21:09):
plan is, but we can't be going out like this
like this is you know.
Speaker 4 (21:12):
So then it.
Speaker 5 (21:13):
Became like how, how, what and why can I fix this?
And like for me, you know, just being honest, I'm
glad at that point in time, I didn't have a
lot of projects things going on, so I could really.
Speaker 4 (21:31):
Check myself into detox. I could really you know, to
carry yourself, take care of myself.
Speaker 5 (21:37):
And I always implore to people because I don't think
sometimes this is spoke about or like people know this
is an option, or maybe it is, and again it's
just not spoken about. But like addiction is an illness
and like once you realize you need to get help
if you have a job, and I feel like there's
such a stigma around addiction. But for me, one of
(21:58):
the best things that I had and this is a
huge shout out to TJ Max, you know huge my
manager there.
Speaker 4 (22:06):
I was able to come to her.
Speaker 5 (22:07):
And tell her like, hey, I have a problem with this,
and she was like, look, she was like, I can't
guarantee a whole lot of things. She was like, however,
if you get yourself together and keep yourself in contact
with me, you will still have a job. Like she's like,
you will still have a job. And she gave me
some resources, like a list of resources and she's like
(22:28):
if you need.
Speaker 4 (22:29):
Anything else from me, like please, you know, come back,
let me know.
Speaker 5 (22:32):
But that was kind of like that got the ball
rolling it And then like what I said with my friend,
you know, he had to do this with his mother.
So when it came time to do detox, he was
the he was like, I'll take if you're serious about it,
I'll take you to detox. And he took like he
(22:52):
took me to detox. And you know, while I was
in detox. And again, all of this is self mandated.
I was never you court mandated. I've never gotten any DUIs.
I've never had where a judge was like I need
you to do anything. But at the time I did
have a dis like I had a disorderly conduct arrest,
like I had it pending, so I kind of had
(23:15):
also figured like I'm like, well, at least if I
get into detox and kind of show and like do
some community service and kind of jump on it.
Speaker 4 (23:23):
Yeah, they'll be like.
Speaker 5 (23:24):
Oh, like she's she's she's there her ways.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Yeah, Well, Waite, So were you drinking like all day
and all night or were you just drinking when you
would go out or it didn't matter.
Speaker 5 (23:38):
So my thing with alcoholism is it's it's never so
much of a like all day all night.
Speaker 4 (23:48):
It's more of a like star Yeah, ain't.
Speaker 5 (23:51):
No stopping like and when I say it's no stopping
like count empty, ain't no stopping.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
We got work, ain't no stopping stopping.
Speaker 5 (24:02):
We ain't got no whip ain't no stopping, Like we're
like it's gonna be like a three four day party,
like it's gonna get crazy, like and I can just
think back to so many times in my life where
you know, just for an just as an example, I'll
never forget and we're gonna get back to me doing
(24:24):
the detox. One thing for me that kind of was
like that just you know that would stick out is
it wouldn't necessarily like I would never need like a
reason to drink. But what would be really scary was like,
for instance, like I could wake up and I might
have a little something in the house, and whereas a
(24:46):
normal person might be like, oh, you know, I need
to leave that until later, my reward systems jip. So
I'm like, you know what, I don't woke up, bills
is paid, it's time to have a ChIL okay, you know,
and it's clearly ten o'clock.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
And you know, there'll be so many times.
Speaker 5 (25:06):
Where like, for instance, because I'm working individual, my job
might call me around eleven o'clock like, hey, someone.
Speaker 4 (25:14):
Called in, is it possible you can come into work?
Speaker 5 (25:16):
And I really got to make a decision where like
I might say something like if I come in, y'all
just got a post meaning like I'll be here but
like I've already gone, or either I'm gonna say something
like nah, guys, my stomach's a little messed up. I'm
not gonna be able to make it in. And I
know my manager already knew kind of what that meant,
you know what I mean. So after a while, it's
(25:38):
just like dealing with those type of things and living
that lifestyle, I feel like on the surface it looks
like a lot of fun, but underneath it's incredibly draining
and it's very, very hollow because again, like there is
a problem that you know about that you feel like
no one else can see, but everyone can see. Like
that was again for me, like another thing with my
(25:59):
alcoholism was like I was convinced that no one knew
about this problem but me, and it really wasn't even
a problem. I just, you know what I'm saying, had
a little issue doing thirty days sober. But I mean,
who does it, you know what I'm saying, Drinks be drinking,
and it's just like, nah, girl, like we got a
little hole in our soul, like we got a little trauma,
we got a little something that we're drinking on top
(26:21):
of there was a lot, a lot of trauma and
a lot of things that I had been through in
my teen years, in my adulthood and my relationship with
my mom. And it was like, until I went to
treatment and started really working on the inside, I was
never never going to be able to address.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
You know what things that you was experiencing.
Speaker 5 (26:45):
Yeah, because even now, it's like I was telling somebody,
I just got six years sober, and you know, I
was in a meeting earlier.
Speaker 4 (26:54):
I'm in a group called Ben's Friends.
Speaker 5 (26:56):
It's for sober people in food and beverage, like people
to work in restaurant chefs or whatever, and it was
like we were sitting around, I was like, damn, like
I've never had a white claw, I've never had costa
migos like I've met, like because these things have all
came out since we've all gotten sober, and it's just
and it's just so interesting because sometimes cause like if
(27:19):
you would have told me six years ago, like I
would have been able to sit someplace and been proud
of that, I'd have been like, nah, like I'm the
life of the party, like everybody knows, like I'm a
little misturned up, like you can't get it started without me,
Like what do you mean? Like this is who I am?
And it's like, no, it's not like this is the
role you like to play. This is the part of you,
This is the the actress you like to portray. But
(27:40):
it's like, deep down, you don't even like this shit,
you're tired of it.
Speaker 4 (27:44):
You don't know it.
Speaker 5 (27:45):
Yeah it is, and it's like for me, I just
feel so blessed that now I'm in a place like
I'm getting ready to take yoga's.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
Teacher training, Like I ain't know, I ain't know.
Speaker 5 (27:57):
I know one of my goals is to be able
to take yoga to women in early recovery, because I
feel like physical fitness and wellness and the movement is
it's a huge thing, and it's like and if you
are able to kind of.
Speaker 4 (28:11):
Tap in you, you really do miss out right.
Speaker 5 (28:14):
But not a lot of women have those opportunities and
that's not brought to them. So I really want to
be able to like use my story and like use
the food and use like the places I've gone and
really help help somebody else because I know, for me,
I just I didn't like I just didn't see it right.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Well, let's go back to the beginning, because you mentioned
about you and your childhood and just also just you
experiencing a lot of things, because I do believe that
addiction doesn't start with substance, it starts with pain. So
to us about you growing up and what kind of
an emotional world did you grow up in?
Speaker 5 (28:52):
So it's so interesting that this movie just drops. You
know what I'm about to bring up, girl draw, I
didn't watch why so I'm okay, So so you on
the fuck listen. I'm the perfect person because I'm not
even listen. I'm not even gonna the movie too deep. However,
what I will say is this. You know, I was
(29:12):
able to watch that movie, and I would never, never, never,
never say that I see my mom in Jania.
Speaker 4 (29:20):
What I will say is this I.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Saw wasi p Henson's character.
Speaker 5 (29:25):
Jenia was Taraji p Henson's character. But what I will
say is this, you know, like I am the product
of a single, single mom, and I did have triple
heart bypass surgery.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
At what age?
Speaker 5 (29:40):
At five months old? Mm hmm, So to say that
we went through a lot would be an understatement. Like
my mom, I don't know how she did it. I really, like,
I really don't, And it baffles me sometimes that our
relationship isn't better is it? Is it better than what
it is now? Because like, growing up, my mom was
(30:03):
like phenomenal, incredible. I remember hearing stories of like when
I have my surgery coming up, She's telling me how
she had prayer circles, prayer circles around the city, you know,
just different people in our church, just you know, praying
and helping and just like all of these things, Like
my mom worked incredibly hard. Like you heard me, I
(30:24):
went to private Christian school. I went since I was
two and a half. Like yes, So like as soon
as my mom was able to get back to work,
she was back to work.
Speaker 4 (30:33):
I was in school.
Speaker 5 (30:34):
We did not spend a lot of time together. I've
never went on a family vacation. However, I've been to
every camp you could probably think of, Like I've been
to Sign Language Camp, math and Richmond Camp, HYMCA, Crosby Juniors,
like you name it. I've been there. Like I probably
went down on scholarship. I've been there sponsored. Like so
(30:55):
like when I say my mom did her thing, like
definitely did her thing. However, I feel like there's always
like there's always a there's always a caveat.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
I feel like sometimes for.
Speaker 5 (31:13):
All the hard work, all the sacrifices, like I would
have loved to go on vacation with my mom, Like
my mom's incredible. I wish we would have had summers together.
Like you know, I remember when I was young, like
I had a garden and you know, me and my mom,
we would go out there and like she would be tired,
(31:34):
but she would always like she would always encourage, like
my dreams, and she would always want to be to
just know, like she would always believe in some of myself.
I'm not gonna sit here and be like my mom
believed in everything, because she definitely did not. And that
kind of leads to where we are now. But like
(31:55):
in the beginning, things were very, very nice. I had
a I've had an incredible childhood. I'm sure you heard
in my first interview, like I was a Sunday school
teacher at sixteen, so so you.
Speaker 4 (32:07):
Know, that just doesn't come on accident.
Speaker 5 (32:10):
However, that was also when I felt like I decided
to go to public school, and things for me really
just started changing and for lack of a better term.
I feel like I want to say, I feel like
I realized I was black, but I was coming into
more of like I'm not the only Like I went
from being the minority the major, to the majority, right,
being like the only black person in my classroom, being
(32:31):
surrounded by black people, yeah, and being like whoa, Like
they don't act like Alice, act like they don't act
like my old classmates at Like.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
I'm like, you know, some of these girls don't come
to school with belts on.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
So do you feel like at that time, that's when
the relationships started to shift.
Speaker 5 (32:55):
Oh, most definitely, most definitely, because I feel like, you
know how, just like with Adam and Eve, it was
like the knowledge of the tree of good and evil.
You don't know, but once you start, once someone starts,
once you start getting a little bit of exposure, a
little bit of this, a little bit of that, you know,
it happens in for me and let me just take
(33:15):
a step back. So I had like a I don't
want to say, like a bonus dad. I guess that's
what the term is, but like I had like a
stand in father role. And he didn't live in the
home with us, but he was definitely around and like
pick me up from school, and like, to my knowledge
and my whole life, my mom had told me, like,
(33:36):
this is your dad, like matter of fact, it was
like the reason you're like, she'd be like, you see
when your hair gets squared, it kind of curls up.
Speaker 4 (33:42):
That's where you got that from.
Speaker 5 (33:44):
So it's just like whole life like just kind of
insinuating this and perpetuating this. And you know, me being young,
I'm gonna say this. I feel like it did two things.
It was good because I feel like, in one way,
I got to grew up with like a pseudo father figure.
Like I had somebody giving me roses on Valentine's I've
(34:05):
had somebody picking me up from school taking me to
get ice cream afterwards.
Speaker 4 (34:09):
Like so he definitely paved the way and made.
Speaker 5 (34:13):
Like a lot of really long lasting, important, incredible memories,
which was great. I will never take that away from
mister Miller. I will forever be grateful for that. That
stand and roll, you know what.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
I'm saying, right however and verb.
Speaker 4 (34:32):
And but now you ready for this story to quis.
Speaker 3 (34:35):
Come on, girl landa plane landa playing girl.
Speaker 5 (34:40):
Landa So imagine me being in this new high school
with a teacher's assistant who I just happen to known,
like because I worked at a Wendy's and she worked
at the same Wendy's that I did or whatever. So
we knew each other like loosely, and we were having
like it was just like an O conversation. And she
(35:01):
was one of the like she was one of these
teachers like when she was a sub, Like we used
to watch one of those six in park the whole class,
Like she would let you go to atl all three lunches, Like, yeah,
she was one of them type teachers.
Speaker 4 (35:11):
Oh yeah, yeah, Miss Shannon was lit.
Speaker 5 (35:15):
So but anyway, Miss Shannon was also incredibly disrespectful because
we ended up kind of getting too well, no, we
end up getting into a back and forth and Miss
Shannon held no bars back and telling me my father
wasn't my father?
Speaker 4 (35:27):
Wo yeah right?
Speaker 3 (35:29):
How old were you?
Speaker 4 (35:31):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (35:31):
You was in high school so maybe like sixteen seventeen.
Speaker 5 (35:33):
I said, I was in the eleventh grade. I was
in the I'll never forget that.
Speaker 4 (35:36):
Shit, Like, how did she know that?
Speaker 3 (35:39):
Or is that something everybody knew?
Speaker 5 (35:40):
Like we lived in a really really small town and
I don't know how well miss Shannon knew mister Miller. However,
like mister Miller was a printer, and so sometimes whenever
he would have like large gigs, he would have like
different people come in and like help make the books
or whatever. And so I had seen missing in downtown,
(36:00):
and like I knew she had worked for mister Miller before.
So again like I seen her, I know her, I
know her. And that's kind of how our conversation had started.
Cause I was like, yeah, you be at my dad's shop.
She was like, your dad dad, ain't your dad? I
was like, yes, that is my dad. She's like, wow,
I don't know what they be telling you, girl, but
you play play she said it just like that. And
(36:21):
remember I'm straight out of private school. I was like,
I didn't know all the way what play play meant,
but I knew it didn't be serious. I was like,
oh my god, I gotta get out of here.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
When don't you go back into your mom and mister
Miller when she told.
Speaker 5 (36:34):
You so ebinay, we listen. Listen, I'm gonna take you
to where I'm at. IM gonna take you to where
I'm at. I'm sixteen, a grown adult just told you
your family, not your family. Like I went to my locker,
I gathered my belongings.
Speaker 4 (36:51):
I walked home. I didn't know who I was.
Speaker 5 (36:54):
Like, remember, ain't no social media, ain't no chat GPT,
ain't no AI, there's no Like, I'm like all these
feelings like how could you.
Speaker 4 (37:02):
Lie to me? Like this?
Speaker 5 (37:03):
Right?
Speaker 4 (37:04):
Who is my dad?
Speaker 1 (37:06):
What is this?
Speaker 5 (37:07):
Like?
Speaker 3 (37:07):
Right, It's like you're going crazy with it.
Speaker 4 (37:10):
I'm upset, I'm hurt.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
So many different different ranges of emotions.
Speaker 5 (37:17):
And because I feel like, for a lack of better terms,
like my mom is very emotionally stunted, and like I
said earlier, having a conversation about her own mother and
her own attributes was difficult for her. So this conversation
it pretty much ended like this, Like my mom pretty
(37:38):
much got up and walked away. And she's like, you know,
I did what I did the best I could do.
Speaker 4 (37:42):
You know. She's like, you know, you were young. We
just I tried, like.
Speaker 5 (37:47):
She and it was just always it was never like
it's never an acceptance, it's never any accountability. And like
after one thing I love about the program and Alcoholics
Anonymous is like you always have to take accountability for
your role that you played it in like yeah, yeah,
I'm an alcoholic, but like, didn't nobody put in drinks
(38:09):
down my throat?
Speaker 4 (38:09):
Abe? Okay, Like I have to take a part accountability
for my role in the situation.
Speaker 5 (38:17):
And it's like, yes, I believe mister Miller was my father,
but who was in senuating this?
Speaker 3 (38:23):
Yeah, I'm saying it justa.
Speaker 5 (38:25):
Whole you know, like my the only thing I feel
like sometimes I kind of it kind of and again,
I always just had to give so much grace in
this situation because like I was sixteen seventeen when this happened,
so like I was very upset. I was unself with
my mom and I was gonna say with mister Miller
because I'm like, well, y'all just not gonna say nothing,
(38:46):
like whoa Like how was this gonna play out? Like
like who is my real dad?
Speaker 4 (38:51):
Like? What is this?
Speaker 3 (38:52):
Did you ever find out who your real dad was?
Speaker 5 (38:55):
Yes? And that opened up a whole nother candle, Like
it opened up a whole can of worms. And it
was just kind of like, you know, my mom had
always been really funny about like me holding on them
like my birth because at this point in time, I
was working and I was needing my births.
Speaker 4 (39:10):
Datific Kate like more than I and stuff.
Speaker 5 (39:14):
Right, it was one of these like oh I can
bring it up here, Oh I'll take it, and I
just be the one day like I'm not gonna lose it.
Like but then thinking back, it was like, nah, my
real father's name was on it. That's what that was.
And it was like all this intentionality that went into
a facade only for when it to come for when
it to hit the fan and like the.
Speaker 4 (39:35):
Truth really really really really really come out. You can't
even stand up in it.
Speaker 5 (39:42):
With.
Speaker 4 (39:43):
To me, it's just kind of like now friends, m M.
Speaker 5 (39:50):
It's like it's like now, Mom, now, how you're gonna
be out here?
Speaker 4 (39:54):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (39:54):
Like, and again, you know, it's just always you know,
I always have I always hold s face in my
heart for my mom. But there have been a lot
of things that have just taken place where it's just
like dang, like right, this is this is this is
this is rough because like because I'm like the first
(40:15):
like I was just talking to my therapist now, you know,
like her birthday was June twelfth. I called her, I
text her, I don't get any type of response, and
it's just kind of like woo yeah.
Speaker 4 (40:29):
Interesting.
Speaker 5 (40:30):
But again, you know, everybody heals or doesn't heal differently,
and sometimes you just have to you know, I don't
want to say, you know, no contact.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
But you just really have to put boundaries on your piece.
Speaker 3 (40:43):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
So wait, so do you have a relationship with your
real father now? And what's your relationship like with mister Miller.
Speaker 4 (40:50):
So, mister Miller unfortunately passed away. He died. Oh, it's okay,
it's good. He died in two I want to say,
like two thousand, like nine. Man, yeah, he died in.
Speaker 5 (41:03):
Two thousand and nine. And then my real father he
passed away I want to say twenty fifteen ish and
unfortunately and unfortunately he was actually married.
Speaker 3 (41:18):
So oh that's why.
Speaker 5 (41:22):
Oh yeah, ebeney, now we get in to the tea baby.
Speaker 3 (41:27):
That's why she didn't want to tell him.
Speaker 5 (41:30):
But this was but again, so I don't know if
you ever heard the term compound trauma. There was no
feeling like my mom calling me and telling me like
my biological father had passed and you know where he
was or whatever, and it's like, because of.
Speaker 4 (41:49):
Whatever's going on, you know.
Speaker 5 (41:51):
I called the funeral home and I was just like, hey,
I was informed that this was my biological father and
he's passed away. I was like, could you leave my
contact information here for the family. I was like, I'm
a call back in a couple of days and you know,
we can go from there. I called back a couple
of days later. Evan, Nah, the folks they want nothing
to do with me.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Be okay, Oh wow, So till this day you haven't
had any conversations with them.
Speaker 4 (42:16):
No, And like the.
Speaker 5 (42:17):
Real and this is where and this is where being
honest kind of comes into like helping everything for the
greater good. So my biological father was in the military.
Speaker 4 (42:28):
Yes, yes, so you're hearing what I'm hearing.
Speaker 5 (42:31):
Pension benefits, like all kinds of stuff there was missed though,
Like and it's just like, again, I understand, people make mistakes,
people do different things, but like, at some point in time,
we gotta face.
Speaker 4 (42:43):
The like we gotta face the music, and right, you
know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (42:47):
And it's like I feel like sometimes especially you know,
I had a lot of commocuous relationships with black women,
and I've actually went out of my way to try
and be so after incorporate more femininity, and a lot
of that actually came in while I was in my program,
because like one thing you realize is like when I
(43:08):
was in my addiction, I didn't have female friends, Like
I didn't have no reason to like I didn't want
no sisterhood, I didn't want no closeness. Like if anything
I thought I thought women was haters my sex read
I'm like where a man at like you get went on,
Like that's too much.
Speaker 3 (43:24):
I'm not going to turn up right right right.
Speaker 5 (43:28):
But it becomes it becomes really difficult when you never
witness accountability in female leadership firsthand, because I know for me,
it's like you know how sometimes you'll just think about
I think now sometimes like when I'll go on like
social media, for instance, like on Mother's Day, and I
(43:50):
see like women write about like their mom and.
Speaker 4 (43:53):
Like different qualities they have and different things that.
Speaker 5 (43:56):
Their moms have done, and it's like, wow, that's amazing,
Like I'm sure my mom has some of those capabilities,
but she also has some other character defects that she's
got to work on right, come to term with that,
Like certain things can't come to fruition, and you know again,
I feel like the best thing about going through treatment
(44:20):
or a program is you learn that if you don't
have those tough, sticky, nasty conversations, you can never get
to those hilltops. You'll never get to those wonderful moments
because in the ruffling of the feathers comes comes the serenity,
(44:40):
comes the okay, like, here's what's going on. But it's like,
if we can never address what's going on, if you
can never be like I was, you know, doing this,
doing that, whatever, Like if you can't even.
Speaker 4 (44:52):
Admit what happened, we can never move on. It's like
it never happened.
Speaker 2 (44:57):
Yeah, But you know, it was another point that you
up in the when I was doing my research with you,
doing my research about you, because you mentioned that when
you was a child, you was diagnosed with ADHD and
you were put on medication, and that's something that you resented.
So I was thinking, like, do you think that being
medicated as a child shaped the way you view or
you substance later on.
Speaker 5 (45:18):
So let me tell you this, And I'm so glad
you brought this up, because this was one of the
things where it became real, like it became a real crossroads.
I remember getting diagnosed, like I like when I say
diagnosed for ADHD, Like I remember going to a place
and it was like nothing I've ever like to this day,
(45:39):
I'm waiting to go back. This was like this was
a kid's dream. I mean it was like slides and
ball rooms and balances, like it was so like I
just remember it was so much stuff like like and
everybody was like, you're doing great, just keep playing.
Speaker 4 (45:53):
I was like I didn't know what to do. And then.
Speaker 5 (45:58):
Then came this, this, next this next time. It was like, oh,
based on the results we got it that you did
at this lab, we're gonna put you on this medication.
Speaker 4 (46:07):
And you know, like I'm just gonna be honest with you.
Speaker 5 (46:10):
We're having this phone conversation, you know, my mom sat
me down and you know, I'm at this private, predominantly
white Christian school, and my mom was like, I need
you to take this medicine and I need you.
Speaker 4 (46:21):
You're gonna have You're gonna have to do what's right.
Speaker 5 (46:23):
And I remember being like, you know, after taking it
a little while, being like I really don't like the
way this feels, like I don't I don't have an appetite,
like I have to use the bathroom, like I.
Speaker 4 (46:33):
Like, I don't. I don't like taking this medicine.
Speaker 5 (46:36):
And my mom's like she's one of those parents where
it's like if a doctor tells her something, ain't no
second opinion, ain't nothing.
Speaker 4 (46:44):
We're taking that diagnosis. We running with it.
Speaker 5 (46:47):
And it's like I was a riddling kid, like heavy riddling,
Like I remember my teacher at one point, my second
grade teacher, he had advocated for me. He was like,
I don't know if this dose is just necessary, Like
I remember going like being older, going back and reading
the notes, and you know there's something to be said
(47:07):
for the parent that doesn't listen to the child when
they say I don't.
Speaker 4 (47:11):
Like how this feels.
Speaker 5 (47:12):
Because when I got older, I remember being in clubs
and bars and not liking that first, second, or third shot.
But I knew like my friends like me when I
got drunk, like everybody else like me when I turn up.
So there goes that gyp sense of approval. So let
me just take this real quick in I don't care
how it's gonna make me feel.
Speaker 4 (47:33):
Everybody else is gonna like this version.
Speaker 2 (47:36):
And that concludes part one of this week's episode, and Chow.
What's a Conversation My God? Part two drops next week,
so in the meantime, if you want to keep key
about this week's episode, make sure to email me at
hello at THEPSG podcast dot com and until next time,
everyone later. Pretty Private is a production of the Black
(48:06):
Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show,
and you can connect with me on social media at
Pretty Private Podcasts.
Host
Eboné Almon
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