March 16, 2020 • 39 mins
During this week's episode of The PHG Podcast, I had the pleasure of catching up with my guest from Episode 8: I'm A Transwoman. It's been a year since our last interview and we talked about so much. She discussed her current relationship with her family, her thoughts on transgender women not being viewed as real women and surviving sexual assault.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional Professional. Hey guys,
(00:38):
welcome to this week's episode of the PhD Podcast. It's
your girl, Eben A and the A's always I'm super
excited about this week's episode. Before we begin to do
a little housekeeping, please make sure to follow me on
Instagram at the Professional home Girl at the PhD Podcast,
and last and not least at Eban a Beauty. Please
make sure to visit the website at www dot t
(00:59):
h E p s G podcast dot com and last
but not least. If you have any questions, commis concerns,
or if you want to be a guest on the show,
please email me at Hello at the PSG podcast dot com.
Now keep in mind that all of my guests are
not on this so let's begin this week's episode. So
I'm really really excited about this week's episode because this
(01:20):
is a follow up from my guests from last year.
It literally been like a whole year since we did
um did her first episode. So to my guests, how
are you feeling? How are you I'm good. So the
voice sound familiar is because she is from I am
a woman from the transgender community. The episode is literally
(01:44):
in the top three, one of my good one of
my best episodes. So if you want to catch up
before you continue with this episode, I think it's episode
number eight. So, so, my guests, how are you feeling you?
I'm feeling really good. I'm glad we were trying to
do an update because it just shows people what can
(02:06):
happen within the year. Yes, a lot can definitely happen
within a year. And it's so crazy because we was
talking and I was like, damn, it's really been a year.
It has been a year. The last time you spoke
to me, I had just lost my Virginia. Yeah, I know,
I said, I'll make the list for questions. Yeah, Like, so,
(02:27):
how has your family dynamics changed since you're last episode? So? Um,
family dynamics? Um, so the current state of my family?
Me and my father have not spoken in probably over
a year. No, it's probably going on. Yeah, I haven't
(02:51):
spoken to my dad, and I'm aware that he knows
that I transition. I'm aware that he's seen photos of me,
and I'm also aware that he doesn't like it it.
Um So I haven't reached out. I've just left that alone.
I come to grips with it like I cannot change him,
and so I'd rather just keep it moving as shallow
(03:13):
as that may sound, but that's still my father, and
I love him. But my happiness come first. So I
had to do happen to mom. So for a while
we were like super close and she was actively trying
to get to know her child. But I think a
lot was going on with my younger brother because I
(03:34):
have a younger brother that's bipolar and schizophrenic, so he
requires a lot of attention, and you know, for a
long time, we didn't want to acknowledge that my brother had,
you know, some mental disorders, and so it was like, Okay,
this is real, this is really what's going on. And
I know it's hard for her, but I think she
took a back seat to me, like she put me
(03:55):
in the back burner and she just you know, I'm
I hear my own life processes. I have a good
tribe of people who I've developed my family had to learn.
I had to learn the idea of creating a family
instead of thinking family was limited to those who are
blood related to me. So now with my mom, the
(04:19):
last conversation we had two weeks ago, I was updating
her own things that were going on with me, and
she was trying to call me by a name that
I no longer use, that no longer exists, and she
just just telling me, I'm your mother, I gave birth
to you. I can call you whatever I want. And
I was like, no, Mom, you have to get to
know me. I'm not that person anymore. That person would
never exist again. That's done completely, So I don't think
(04:43):
she can handle it. So, you know, I talked to
my mom probably like every four weeks. What about their siblings.
So my youngest brother who was by polistics a friend
and he's incarcerated. Yeah, he has a lot on on um.
My other brother, he just finished school for dental hygiene.
(05:05):
He's doing really well. He he just made me so proud,
like I just, oh my god. Me and him have
a really good relationship and we don't have any issues.
My sister, she texts me like, you know, I just
got my place. I would like for you to come over.
But me and her have a lot of unresolved issues
because when I first transitioned, she didn't accept me. She
(05:27):
was like really condescending and mean to me, and we
didn't have a relationship for a year, and so she
text me and she was like, Hey, I'm gonna starting
you off right. I want to talk to you. But
I when I've just retreated in my shell and I
stayed away, I just I just completely stayed away from
my family. So last time I spoke with you, which
(05:49):
was like literally a year ago, Um, you literally lost
your vigintine, like the weekend before we had our first conversation.
So mine is a situation that we're gonna speak about later.
How has your life been, oh dating? So to touch
on what happened with my virginity, I literally lost my omrginity.
We did that interview and I just thrust it into
(06:10):
like dating and me and him attempted took it intimate again. However,
I don't believe he understood how to please a trans woman.
He had never been with the trans woman before me,
so he was just like, it wasn't a connection like
it should have been. It was just like a moment
(06:30):
of fun and we did it and then it is
what it is, and I just stepped away from it
and I kept moving like I was like, Okay, this
is not somebody my senses I like you, but I
kept I kept going and I started actively dating, like
going out on dates, and my confidence was up. I
thought I was that girl like I had nineteen. I
(06:52):
had a whole hot girl slubber. Yeah, you were you
was out. I was looking at you. I out a
hot girl year. And it's so funny. So if I
like with certain guests whatever, like I connect with them,
and if I'm in their city, I always trying to
link up with them. So I linked up with uh
this week's guest um in Miami, and we went out
(07:15):
for like lunch whatever, and we got to connect and
all this other stuff Like. It was a really good
fun time. So recently me and her was dm at
each other and you shared with me that days before
I saw you, you was sexually assaulted. Yeah, but I
(07:37):
feel like this you sharing this story, I think it's
gonna shre light on what women go through, especially women
of the transgender community. But I'm gonna we can talk
about that later. But I just thought it was so
crazy because you know what's so funny. When I was
looking back on your stories and stuff, I definitely saw
changing you. Now. Yeah, so this was some funny. This
(07:59):
was one that she was casually dating. Yes, So tell
us about that relationship with this person. Well, this was
somebody I met, I knew, and I didn't feel afraid.
I wasn't scared, Like I was very comfortable with him.
I had been around him so much, we have been
(08:20):
intimate before. He I got so comfortable with him, I
could leave my purse around him, like this was somebody
who we both We both had decided we didn't want
to commit to one another, but we had such a
strong connection and it was like, okay, like you don't
you don't hell, Like I'm glad, Like the situation just
(08:41):
worked for us. And then I was in school and
I'm trying to become a nut. I wasn't trying to
commit to nobody and he understood that. So how the
story goes, it was a it was during the time.
It was a hurricane, and you know, we gotta prepare
for the hurricane. And he hit me up like, hey,
(09:03):
are you gonna be working or not? And I'm like, no,
I'm not working. I'm home. He's like, well, who are
you gonna be with. I'm like, I'm by myself. He
was like, you can't be going through the hurricane by yourself,
Like you know, let me come over. There and keep
your company so you don't have to be alone. I'm like, okay, cool.
You know I was excited to see him. I'm like, okay, cool.
You know, it just made me like him even more
(09:24):
because I was like, that's some dope ship. You know,
you you thought about me in this whole process. So
he came over, but there was something very off, like
what I felt that like when I first seen him.
He gave me a hug and I was like hey,
and we was just they do. But he just seemed
(09:45):
very tense. And I was like, yo, what's wrong, Like
you I can't stupid, like calm down, and he was
like nothing, nothing, And so his phone kept ringing. The phone,
his cell phone just kept ringing. I don't know who
was called to him, but his cell phone just kept ringing.
We were laying in the bed. The phone is still ringing.
(10:05):
So I pick up the phone because at this point,
I'm like, who is calling him? I answered the phone.
It was another chick. She's like who are you? And
I'm like this is who I am. And she's like
where is so and so? And I'm just like I
hung up and I was like you gotta chick, Like
why you didn't tell me you got a girl, Like,
what's like you out here doing stuff? Like let me know.
(10:28):
He's like, I'm not with nobody, I'm here with you.
D D you know the story. We get into this
heated argument. So days passed and I'm like, okay, they
got it all clear. I'm gonna go to the campus
because i need to see an advisor. I'm getting ready,
I'm doing my makeup. Me here three days and You're
(10:49):
not gonna have sex with me? And I'm like, no,
I'm not having sex with you. I don't want to
have sex with you. I don't know what you're doing
in the streets. I don't trust you. I'm good. And
he was like joking, like he had put his hand
on my shoulder and then he was like rubbing on
my neck. So I'm like, boy, moved like I'm trying
to get ready to go, like I'm not we're not
having sex, like I'm not doing this with you and
(11:10):
I but then, well he was here, Yeah, he was
here for three days. The third day is gonna happened
and he started to get real aggressive and he put
his hand around my neck. Okay, so he has his
hands around my neck and weird. I'm thinking, like, why
(11:30):
are you doing It's like what's it's shocking me because
he had never done this before. And he was like,
you're really not gonna have sex with me. I said, no,
I'm not having sex with you. I told you that.
And then he started to get really aggressive. He was like,
I said, you're gonna rape me. He was like, I'm
not gonna rape You're gonna give it to me. And
that's when in my mind I was like yeah, in
my mind it clicked like Okay, No, he's not playing anymore.
(11:52):
He's serious. And then he started to choke me and
he I was like, let me go. I can't breathe.
You're choking me, and he just continued to choke me.
Push your my head into the wall. He was like,
bring your ass out here, and he he drugged me
from my bathroom to my living room. He said, let
on the couch and take your clothes off. And I
was like, you really about the rape me, like is
(12:14):
this what you're doing outside? I don't want to have
sex with you, Like, let me go, and he's kissing
on me. He tried to take my pennies off, and
now he's choking me and I can't breathe at this point,
I cannot breathe, and I'm telling him, like I cannot breathe.
You're choking me. In that moment, as I'm he's trying
to punch on me, and I'm like, okay, girl, just
let him have sex with you. Just don't fight back.
(12:36):
Just let him have sex with you, just so you
don't die. In that moment, I thought I'm about to cry.
I really thought I was gonna die. Yeah, sorry, hold on, Yeah,
that's true. That's sad. I think this for me is like,
this is something that you was, this is something that
(12:58):
you was intimate with before, So it's like, why would
he like yeah, it was? It was really he didn't
notice any signs at him before. No, I didn't, no,
mm hmm. The only thing that threw me off when
I first met him, he was like super adamant that
(13:18):
he wanted me, so he gave me his undivided attention
like I want you, and he would just he devoted
all his time to me. But I was like, Okay,
maybe this said I just like me a lot. Maybe
he is. It isn't nothing like that, but if I
play it back, he seemed very obsessive, extremely and nobody, nobody,
(13:41):
neighbors and nobody heard hurt anything like, they didn't try
to come by and see what was going on. No,
I didn't scream. I laid there and he when he
saw me just later, I didn't move. I didn't fight.
I just laid. I laid their flat and I thought
to myself, girl, just lay there, don't move. Let and
have sex with you, and when it's done, you don't
(14:03):
have to deal with him no more. He got off
me and then he pushed me, and then he was like,
I'm gonna leave. And I was like, get out my house,
Get out my house. And he was like, I'll see
you in the streets. I was like, if you do
anything to me, I'm gonna put your ass in jail.
You're going to go to jail. After that, I was
I was scared. That brought so much fear into my life.
(14:29):
I started to not go. I didn't go anywhere. I
locked myself in my house. I would go to work
and go to school and come home and me in
this house. I was sleeping with knives next to my bed.
I was sleeping like in my mind, I'm in combat mode.
If this motherfucker come in my house. I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna gut him, and if I have to go
to prison, I'm gonna go to prison. But you're not
(14:50):
gonna You won't do that. Did you go to the police?
I did not. I actually when the thought happened, I
went out to the club that h I tried to
not think about what happened to me. I just thought
he was tripping, and then it started to manifest into
(15:11):
other things. I was angry, I was depressed, I was bitter,
I had resentment. I hated men. I didn't want nobody
to touch me. I didn't want to be my friends.
I didn't even want to do my hair like I
was on some not to It's not so very traumatizing. Yeah,
and I went through it alone because I was ashamed.
(15:32):
But why why do you feel that? Why you didn't
go to the police, like were you? I was scared
because for I'm alone, I don't really have family, like
I don't talk to much of my family. I was scared.
I I feel ashamed me being me, the girl that
(15:53):
has it together, she worked, she go to school, she's bubbly,
she's life for the party. How could I have allowed
somebody to come into my space and take something like
that from me. I was like, I can't tell this
to the world. I'm out there telling them to love
theirselves and I'm here, I'm almost got sucking choked to
(16:14):
death by a man that I trusted. I was like,
I felt dirty, I felt nasty, and I didn't want
to tell the world and I don't one of the
reasons why. I know you said you didn't want to
say anything because you also felt ashamed, But like, why
did you feel ashamed because it wasn't your fault. I
(16:34):
felt ashamed because I allowed this person in my house,
and I allowed this person into my space, and I
trusted this person. And I always try to be a
good judge of character. And it's like I dropped the ball.
I completely dropped the ball. I'm the one that supposedly
has it all together, and I life hit me real hard,
(16:58):
and I I just closed myself down and I said,
I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna tell nobody.
But I started to do things that showed me that
I was very unhappy. I didn't go outside, I was
not eating, I was moody, and like I was I was.
I was nasty to everybody and and I have to
(17:20):
go back and apologize to people. And that's what I did.
I went back to it tell people what was going
on with me because I was so mean and so
bitter in that that time. I was just like six
it was six months ago, did it happened? And it's
only up until now when I let you know, that's
when I've just started to tell people what would happened
to me through your Instagram pictures or whatever. I feel
(17:42):
like you're not really like doing that time. You wasn't
really out there, like he wasn't dancing, You wasn't like no,
I wasn't doing anything. I wanted to delete my Instagram
and I don't know if you remember the point I'm
going to deactivate like I was. I was over social media. Yeah,
I was over it all. Did I become suicidal? Absolutely?
(18:07):
I did not. I I feel like I don't have
a connection with my family. I felt dishomed. I don't
have a supportive man in my life that truly loves me.
The one that I did, like he has done something
so awful to me. I was like my dreams and
my desires went out the window too. I didn't want
to be a nurse some more. I didn't want to
(18:28):
do school no more. I wanted to just like fuck everything.
So what what made you get back into feeling like
your old self? Like what were some things that you did?
So January came and um, it was the new year,
and I looked myself in the mirror and I said,
you know what, I don't want to be sad. I
(18:52):
wanna I want to be happy again because I was
just like in my whole fucking man, do him dirty,
cheat on him, do whatever you want, like, don't trust
these things. They they're not shipped like I was on
that hard body, like I'm not taking nobody serious nothing.
And I noticed that that was really messing with my
(19:16):
mental space. And I told him I didn't want to
be like that no more. I didn't want to feel sad.
I didn't want to feel empty no more. I didn't
want to be alone. So I said, you know what,
when I had to go do my annual with my doctor,
and as I'm gonna tell her, So I went to
the doctor and I said, you know, I almost was
(19:37):
raped and there was somebody who I know, he choked
me out, and she just bust out crying. She was like,
this is what I was fearing. Either someone was gonna
hurt you or you were gonna I was gonna get
news that you have died. She said, you are one
of the few that I that are doing you. You've
done it right and I don't want you to miss
(19:59):
out on anything because you were such a bright girl.
And I we just cried like, this is my doctor
who are going to get annual visits from at leastly
just like some of the time. And she cry her
eyes out because she just was like, this is what
I did not want to happen to you. I told
my therapist and I definitely was like when you told me,
(20:22):
because I was like, I feel like the last time
I spoke to you and you made me very aware, um,
just more people that's in the transgender community and how
I can be more supportive. And I feel like the
last time we spoke, but we was ding. We didn't
in my life, but I was just like, yo, just
be haldforably safe because like you know, niggas is wicked
(20:42):
out there. So I know, like, like I said that,
the last time we spoke, you really made me more
aware of the killings of women in the trans in
the community. Um, can you just speak more in that
just to educate our listeners, because I feel like some
people are aware, but it's like a lot of women
that are being killed, not even and there's women too,
but also just like I think, I feel like on Instagram,
(21:04):
I've just been seeing so many like dark skin women
of the trains of the Communian just like being dog
and nobody's doing nothing. I used to think, I'm like,
you know, you read the statistics, you hear the stories,
but you never think that that's gonna be you. I
(21:25):
didn't think that was gonna be me. Um, it was
me like the fly girl that she always you know,
partying fun girl. You know that that moment, I had
all types of dues. I wasn't taking nobody's hears Every
life was just fun. I was having a good time.
And what a lot of people don't understand. When you're
(21:47):
dating as a trans woman, things get very complicated because
we're dealing with these men. They have a lot of
issues that they have. Some of them are not how
they're not open about liking trans women. They're living in
the dark. They're battling themselves because the church has told
(22:09):
them that them being who they are is wrong. They're
gonna go to hell, Society says. He may think to himself,
that is my woman. Society is saying, no, you're still dating.
To deal with the interactions when he go out in
public with dating a trans woman. You know, it's so
much that come with it and these and I'm not
(22:31):
taking up for what these men, but I also understand
the other side. What I will say what I think
one of the reasons why we black trans girl, specifically
the dark skinned ones, we're not protected. You know, nobody
cares for us. I really feel like the world has
(22:53):
neglected us. And when it comes to l g B
t Q plus, we're usually at the bottom of the barrel.
Gay men, lesbian women tend to they mock us, they
treat us bad. But if you go back to the
history of gay rights movement, it was look like Marsha
transgender women of color, Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera
(23:16):
ones that let them. They both transgender women who led
the March Stone Wall, and they are the reasons that
we have these gay pride events. They are the reason
why we have gay pride parades. So when I see
gay men not stand up for us and tell us
why we are discussing me or it's wrong. It hurts
my heart because Sylvia Johnson, I mean Sylvia Rivera, Marsha P.
(23:39):
Johnson gave up their lives so that we can today
be free. How dare you? You know? But I don't know.
It's a lot of bs when it comes down to it.
And I also think, you know, we don't have adequate
healthcare for dark skin, I mean for women of color
just in general, there's no women of color across the
(24:00):
or we don't have proper health care. No one is
fighting for us. And then when you trickle it down
to being transgender, there's not many places that you can
go to to get healthcare. There's not many places that
you can go to to get that help to you
so you can sustain yourself. So many of my sisters
are out here doing sex. Many of my sisters are
(24:20):
out here. They're just trying to survive. They're trying to
get it the best way they can. And I always
assume since I wasn't that kind of girl, like I
have a job for you, that's not gonna happen. But
life shows you I'm still not just carrious and your
thought about this, what is, how did you feel about
(24:41):
Malik Yoba coming out? See the thing with Malik mr
everybody else as all my home girls that's transgender. They'd
be like, well, because it seems like when I did
my research, I'm going to say alleged that it was
(25:02):
alleged that he had did something like a come out
about him with a younger trans woman girl. And I
think in order for him to combat that, let me
just come out and said I stand with trans women,
I'm trans attracted and blah blah blah. And it's like,
what do you mean you're trans attractive? So many of
my sisters when they walk into rooms they look like
(25:27):
and are beautiful women and you and you can't tell.
So when you say that you are trans attracted, that
puts us in a category as if all the heart,
the work that we do to be who we are
and look how we look is not substantial. What do
you mean you trans attracted? What does that mean? You
mean you like women? Just that you like? But then
how do you feel when you have assis gender women
(25:50):
woman saying that I get it, I understand that you
are a woman, but you wasn't born biologically a woman.
There's so many arguments and so many I stopped getting
in a comment. I stopped getting in a comment because, yeah,
(26:12):
I read one woman said, damn, can we have anything?
They even trying to take away our womanhood. I was like,
oh wow, it does bother me because I'm just as
much of a woman as she is. And if you're
gonna say that I'm not a woman because I don't
(26:33):
have a vagina, then you don't understand gender identity, you
don't understand sexuality, you don't understand any of those things.
And you're speaking just based off your vagina. As I
said in my last interview, the vagina was created to reproduce.
Those are reproductive organs. That does not make you a woman.
(26:57):
Somebody said something to me. They were like, you know,
do you think that you want to get faith surgery?
And I said, excuse me, so you could be more feminine.
And I got so upset because I said, all this
hard work I've been doing and you're gonna come in
my face and tell me that I need to do
this because you want me to be the standard of beauty.
(27:17):
What is the standard of beauty? I have black women
women's features, like, is my black feature is not good enough?
Like I need to go and to lay on the
table and get some European features. UM. To address what
you were saying about um women feeling that we're not
considered women because they are. I think the misconception is
(27:39):
that we're taking from women. We're not taking from you.
Just because a man is attracted to me doesn't mean
he won't be attracted to her. I think their ideal
of taking from them is the fact that they feel
like men are just as attracted to us as they
are attracted to them, which is not a bad thing.
If a man is attracted to trans women, he's attracted
(28:02):
to a woman. Whatever we have between our legs, it's
none of their business. I'm only intimate with that man.
We set the rules in the standards in the bedroom.
Why is it such an issue what I have between
my legs when I don't make it an issue about
what's between your legs? And so I am black women
(28:25):
just in general. I don't think that there is a
lot of comaraderie amongst us in general. That's just even
beyond being transgender. I think that we are very destructive
to one another. I think that we are very um
nasty like it. It's a crabbing, a barrel situation, and
I think that stems from the fact that of how
(28:47):
we're just treated in the world, so then we it
trickles down to how we treat one another. We're not
super supportive. And I've seen online the growth like we're
doing this all these women enrichment programs and offerences and
things like that. But on the flip side, you see
them dragging one another and you hear them talking about
(29:07):
black woman's hair or being dark skinned, and how isn't
it a bigger issue that dark skinned models aren't treated
the way they need to be treated like we need
to within our community like that. I don't even got
nothing to do. But with trans that's just colorism. Like
if you are dark skinned, you are treated a certain
(29:29):
way you and I I know it. I think you
know that too. You've being darker skin and look at it.
They put the lighter skin ones in the front, they
put them on the front covers, they put them in
the TV shows, and they get to tell the stories
even if it was from a dark skin black That's
the fight that we have to go through and that
(29:51):
we've been going through. So I definitely agree with you
on that one for sure. Because colorism is really big
within our community. How do you think that it's even
bigger in the trans community. It's big in the trans community.
The lighter skin trans girls are treated, Oh god, They're
(30:12):
put on a pedestal, the lighter skin trans growth. That's
why I was going so hard, like on my social
media to showcase, like I know I'm dark skinned, but
I know I'm beautiful, and I want you to see
me every day. I want just I want you to
see this because I was just like so many times
like my attacker. You know what he told me, he said,
he got into the argument we were arguing that that.
(30:34):
He was like, I don't really want you because I'm
when I get big and I get money, I'll be
fucking bitches like Sydney Star. I said, are used up.
The Sydney Start is a lighter skin trans girl and
she's very popular on social media. I said it, that's
supposed to hurt my feelings and he was like, yeah,
because I'm nobody want to know dark skin bitch like you.
I was like, oh yeah, and you see, I was
(31:00):
playing that in my mind. I'm like he said, You're
gonna go get Sydney Star and I'm like my card skin,
like I'm not good enough. That was really when it
hit me how the power of what men say to
us really determine how we let it determine who we are.
Because we started to believe it, we start to do
things to ourselves, especially if you've been intimate, and that
(31:22):
we give men a lot of power. Yeah, So, how
can the listeners out there, and most of the listeners
is predominantly predominantly black women, how can we support more
women in the transgender community? UM? Depending on what state
you live in, each state has different organizations that provide
services for the whole LGBTQ community and some specializing directly
(31:45):
and trans help. So I would definitely say hit up
your online go online and look for the organizations and
hit them up. Even if you're able to give the
girls like some diode rant or if you could provide clothing, UM,
any type of assistance for hiding, any type of assistance
for getting jobs, any type of assistance for providing it
(32:06):
with shelters, any anything that you can do to help
the community is just so appreciated. Right, How has your
mental health been affected by this situation. Um, I'm a
lot more conscientious of what I'm doing and who I'm
involved with. I pay attention to every sign, every little
(32:27):
thing I'm paying attention to. I listened to every word.
Whatever you tell me, I'm paying attention to it. No
one has been back in my space since the incident,
and I'm just like, that's why I'm at with it,
Like I don't feel comfortable with anybody touching me or
having me because I'm just I'm not there. I have
started dating again. I'm in a relationship. So you have
(32:49):
a boyfriend right now. I do. I do have a
boyfriend now, And it's so ironic every time we do
inter of you. I got that's one thing I know
you ain't got a problem with. I do have a boyfriend.
He is aware of what happened to me. We have discussed, like,
(33:10):
I told him everything. I've been super transparent. What I'm
doing differently now with this relationship. I'm playing it straight.
I'm doing the right thing. I am fully committed to him.
I know what I want and I'm going with the flow.
And I'm also making sure that I set the standards
for what I will tolerate and when I will not
tolerate and my other relationships, I didn't do that. I
(33:32):
would just like, okay, whatever, you know, I'm going with
the flow. I'm not really, I'm not on that. But
you really got to set the tone for how you
want to be treated, and you got to set the
tone from the gate because let you allow will continue.
What you allow will continue. So if they pull a
sunt the first time, you check it, and if you
don't get it together, you leave him. That's why I'm
at with it now. I used to be afraid that,
(33:53):
you know, I don't want to lose him. I don't
want to lose this guy. I really like him. Now
I'm like, if I have to leave you in order
for me to be happy, I would leave you. I
would leave anybody. I will. I'm not afraid to drop
any person if it's going to affect the way I
feel about myself and the work that I've done to
be the woman I am today. I'm not toleranting. I
(34:14):
also feel like you're matured in the sense and not
just after the situation that you experienced. For like, I
feel like when you was first starting to become within
your transition of of your womanhood. You know, you was fun.
You was out there, you were doing turking videos. You
was like, but now I feel like you. I think
you're you're becomming. So now you have a more sense
(34:36):
of who you are and I feel like you you
cut that down a lot because you don't want people
to look at you as oh, she likes to work
this that, because that's not who you are. I'm more
than that and at dynamic. And what my therapist told
me the other day, she was like, have you ever
taken a moment to just look at your life and
how much you've overcome and how how what you got
(34:56):
going on? I was like no. She was like, take
a moment to just gaze at the landscape and see
what you've done and how far you've come, and how
you maintain yourself. And you are such a brilliant young lady.
And that's why I'm at with it now. It's like
I'm I'm valuing myself. Yeah, because if I didn't, if
(35:20):
I did value myself like the way I should have
valued myself, these players won't even get a chance. But
now I'm in a place now you gotta do what
you gotta do. If you're gonna have me and if
you're not gonna do what you're gonna do this, it's
deuces like, it is what it is. And I know
you're still in therapy now right Absolutely, I'll never stop.
(35:42):
Yeah that's really good. I definitely see the the growth
within you from when I first met you to a
react now. Yeah, I'm I felt like a whole different person.
I definitely. I have one of the women that I know,
I told them about what happened to because she wasn't
one of the ones that I used to give attitude
to when I was really going through the phase. And
(36:04):
she was just like, now, I understand why you were
when you were, and I knew something was different because
you just wasn't your bubbly self. Yeah, looking back on it,
I definitely see the difference for sure. Yeah. And she
just told me, she said, even though it hurts you,
look at it as a lesson. Mhm. She said, maybe
you were just having so much fun that you weren't
(36:26):
thinking about the people that you're interacting with. You just
was having a good time. She said, there's nothing wrong
with having a good time, but you got to know
who you're having a good time with, because everybody is
not there to love you. Yeah. Um. Last list some
of the advice she would give to our listeners out
there that have been sexually trans uh, sexually assaulted. Um,
if you've been sexually assaulted, please don't do like I did.
(36:49):
Go get help, tell somebody. Don't sit in your house
and keep it to yourself. That's the worst thing you
could do. Tell somebody. Talk to somebody. You cannot fight
this battle by yourself. I've learned that I need people.
I used to think I was so independent. I don't
need no lotty and not even need people. You need community,
(37:11):
and you need community like I didn't think I needed that,
Like I was like, girl, I'm like, I'm making money,
I'm in my life. I don't need y'all. Like, if
y'all want to go. It is what it is when
you sitting in your room by yourself, when you're looking
at them four walls and you ain't got nobody. It's
the worst feeling in the world. Appreciate your people, talk
(37:33):
to somebody, build relationships, love those who love you. Do
not go into spaces that make you feel inadequate, that
bring down your self esteem, that makes you feel like
you're not good enough, and I used to do that
to conform, like I just wanted to get along, like
I just wanted to be around. Yeah. No, I'm really
proud of you, I feel like and then we do
(37:55):
have a good friendship. You know, we keep in contact
with each other, and I've definitely seen your growth and
I'm looking for and seeing more of you along your
journey of becoming a dope ass woman. So I'm really
proud of you. You know, you gotta give yourself pross
because life is not as easy as we would like it.
But life ain't fair, but life is fun still, and
(38:18):
his life is generous. So I'm happy that you're okay.
You're in the best space. Yeah, and you ever need
to reach out and talk to anybody, you know, I'm
here for you. I have you know what's crazy. I
wanted to hit you up earlier on. I was like,
maybe she will understand because you have so many people
that you talked to like you you are unbuiased. But
(38:41):
again I thought I was ashamed. I wasn't gonna tell nobody.
I was like, no, I can't tell you that that
ain't that happened to me. Now, you really, I would
definitely not judge you like, no, what he did he
completely violated. Yeah, well I called him a fucking roach,
(39:02):
so mad like I can't. But you know, I definitely
appreciate you sharing your story on the podcast because I
feel like more people need to hear it is. We
need to like, you know, we gotta come together and
not let this happen to somebody else, you know, right
about that about it? Y'all have any questions, commental concerns,
please hit me up and hello at the PhD podcast
(39:24):
dot com if you want to connect with my guests,
but I'm pretty sure she might not have a problem
with hit me up, I connect you with her on
her social media and until next time, guys. Later
Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional Professional. Hey guys,
(00:38):
welcome to this week's episode of the PhD Podcast. It's
your girl, Eben A and the A's always I'm super
excited about this week's episode. Before we begin to do
a little housekeeping, please make sure to follow me on
Instagram at the Professional home Girl at the PhD Podcast,
and last and not least at Eban a Beauty. Please
make sure to visit the website at www dot t
(00:59):
h E p s G podcast dot com and last
but not least. If you have any questions, commis concerns,
or if you want to be a guest on the show,
please email me at Hello at the PSG podcast dot com.
Now keep in mind that all of my guests are
not on this so let's begin this week's episode. So
I'm really really excited about this week's episode because this
(01:20):
is a follow up from my guests from last year.
It literally been like a whole year since we did
um did her first episode. So to my guests, how
are you feeling? How are you I'm good. So the
voice sound familiar is because she is from I am
a woman from the transgender community. The episode is literally
(01:44):
in the top three, one of my good one of
my best episodes. So if you want to catch up
before you continue with this episode, I think it's episode
number eight. So, so, my guests, how are you feeling you?
I'm feeling really good. I'm glad we were trying to
do an update because it just shows people what can
(02:06):
happen within the year. Yes, a lot can definitely happen
within a year. And it's so crazy because we was
talking and I was like, damn, it's really been a year.
It has been a year. The last time you spoke
to me, I had just lost my Virginia. Yeah, I know,
I said, I'll make the list for questions. Yeah, Like, so,
(02:27):
how has your family dynamics changed since you're last episode? So? Um,
family dynamics? Um, so the current state of my family?
Me and my father have not spoken in probably over
a year. No, it's probably going on. Yeah, I haven't
(02:51):
spoken to my dad, and I'm aware that he knows
that I transition. I'm aware that he's seen photos of me,
and I'm also aware that he doesn't like it it.
Um So I haven't reached out. I've just left that alone.
I come to grips with it like I cannot change him,
and so I'd rather just keep it moving as shallow
(03:13):
as that may sound, but that's still my father, and
I love him. But my happiness come first. So I
had to do happen to mom. So for a while
we were like super close and she was actively trying
to get to know her child. But I think a
lot was going on with my younger brother because I
(03:34):
have a younger brother that's bipolar and schizophrenic, so he
requires a lot of attention, and you know, for a
long time, we didn't want to acknowledge that my brother had,
you know, some mental disorders, and so it was like, Okay,
this is real, this is really what's going on. And
I know it's hard for her, but I think she
took a back seat to me, like she put me
(03:55):
in the back burner and she just you know, I'm
I hear my own life processes. I have a good
tribe of people who I've developed my family had to learn.
I had to learn the idea of creating a family
instead of thinking family was limited to those who are
blood related to me. So now with my mom, the
(04:19):
last conversation we had two weeks ago, I was updating
her own things that were going on with me, and
she was trying to call me by a name that
I no longer use, that no longer exists, and she
just just telling me, I'm your mother, I gave birth
to you. I can call you whatever I want. And
I was like, no, Mom, you have to get to
know me. I'm not that person anymore. That person would
never exist again. That's done completely, So I don't think
(04:43):
she can handle it. So, you know, I talked to
my mom probably like every four weeks. What about their siblings.
So my youngest brother who was by polistics a friend
and he's incarcerated. Yeah, he has a lot on on um.
My other brother, he just finished school for dental hygiene.
(05:05):
He's doing really well. He he just made me so proud,
like I just, oh my god. Me and him have
a really good relationship and we don't have any issues.
My sister, she texts me like, you know, I just
got my place. I would like for you to come over.
But me and her have a lot of unresolved issues
because when I first transitioned, she didn't accept me. She
(05:27):
was like really condescending and mean to me, and we
didn't have a relationship for a year, and so she
text me and she was like, Hey, I'm gonna starting
you off right. I want to talk to you. But
I when I've just retreated in my shell and I
stayed away, I just I just completely stayed away from
my family. So last time I spoke with you, which
(05:49):
was like literally a year ago, Um, you literally lost
your vigintine, like the weekend before we had our first conversation.
So mine is a situation that we're gonna speak about later.
How has your life been, oh dating? So to touch
on what happened with my virginity, I literally lost my omrginity.
We did that interview and I just thrust it into
(06:10):
like dating and me and him attempted took it intimate again. However,
I don't believe he understood how to please a trans woman.
He had never been with the trans woman before me,
so he was just like, it wasn't a connection like
it should have been. It was just like a moment
(06:30):
of fun and we did it and then it is
what it is, and I just stepped away from it
and I kept moving like I was like, Okay, this
is not somebody my senses I like you, but I
kept I kept going and I started actively dating, like
going out on dates, and my confidence was up. I
thought I was that girl like I had nineteen. I
(06:52):
had a whole hot girl slubber. Yeah, you were you
was out. I was looking at you. I out a
hot girl year. And it's so funny. So if I
like with certain guests whatever, like I connect with them,
and if I'm in their city, I always trying to
link up with them. So I linked up with uh
this week's guest um in Miami, and we went out
(07:15):
for like lunch whatever, and we got to connect and
all this other stuff Like. It was a really good
fun time. So recently me and her was dm at
each other and you shared with me that days before
I saw you, you was sexually assaulted. Yeah, but I
(07:37):
feel like this you sharing this story, I think it's
gonna shre light on what women go through, especially women
of the transgender community. But I'm gonna we can talk
about that later. But I just thought it was so
crazy because you know what's so funny. When I was
looking back on your stories and stuff, I definitely saw
changing you. Now. Yeah, so this was some funny. This
(07:59):
was one that she was casually dating. Yes, So tell
us about that relationship with this person. Well, this was
somebody I met, I knew, and I didn't feel afraid.
I wasn't scared, Like I was very comfortable with him.
I had been around him so much, we have been
(08:20):
intimate before. He I got so comfortable with him, I
could leave my purse around him, like this was somebody
who we both We both had decided we didn't want
to commit to one another, but we had such a
strong connection and it was like, okay, like you don't
you don't hell, Like I'm glad, Like the situation just
(08:41):
worked for us. And then I was in school and
I'm trying to become a nut. I wasn't trying to
commit to nobody and he understood that. So how the
story goes, it was a it was during the time.
It was a hurricane, and you know, we gotta prepare
for the hurricane. And he hit me up like, hey,
(09:03):
are you gonna be working or not? And I'm like, no,
I'm not working. I'm home. He's like, well, who are
you gonna be with. I'm like, I'm by myself. He
was like, you can't be going through the hurricane by yourself,
Like you know, let me come over. There and keep
your company so you don't have to be alone. I'm like, okay, cool.
You know I was excited to see him. I'm like, okay, cool.
You know, it just made me like him even more
(09:24):
because I was like, that's some dope ship. You know,
you you thought about me in this whole process. So
he came over, but there was something very off, like
what I felt that like when I first seen him.
He gave me a hug and I was like hey,
and we was just they do. But he just seemed
(09:45):
very tense. And I was like, yo, what's wrong, Like
you I can't stupid, like calm down, and he was
like nothing, nothing, And so his phone kept ringing. The phone,
his cell phone just kept ringing. I don't know who
was called to him, but his cell phone just kept ringing.
We were laying in the bed. The phone is still ringing.
(10:05):
So I pick up the phone because at this point,
I'm like, who is calling him? I answered the phone.
It was another chick. She's like who are you? And
I'm like this is who I am. And she's like
where is so and so? And I'm just like I
hung up and I was like you gotta chick, Like
why you didn't tell me you got a girl, Like,
what's like you out here doing stuff? Like let me know.
(10:28):
He's like, I'm not with nobody, I'm here with you.
D D you know the story. We get into this
heated argument. So days passed and I'm like, okay, they
got it all clear. I'm gonna go to the campus
because i need to see an advisor. I'm getting ready,
I'm doing my makeup. Me here three days and You're
(10:49):
not gonna have sex with me? And I'm like, no,
I'm not having sex with you. I don't want to
have sex with you. I don't know what you're doing
in the streets. I don't trust you. I'm good. And
he was like joking, like he had put his hand
on my shoulder and then he was like rubbing on
my neck. So I'm like, boy, moved like I'm trying
to get ready to go, like I'm not we're not
having sex, like I'm not doing this with you and
(11:10):
I but then, well he was here, Yeah, he was
here for three days. The third day is gonna happened
and he started to get real aggressive and he put
his hand around my neck. Okay, so he has his
hands around my neck and weird. I'm thinking, like, why
(11:30):
are you doing It's like what's it's shocking me because
he had never done this before. And he was like,
you're really not gonna have sex with me. I said, no,
I'm not having sex with you. I told you that.
And then he started to get really aggressive. He was like,
I said, you're gonna rape me. He was like, I'm
not gonna rape You're gonna give it to me. And
that's when in my mind I was like yeah, in
my mind it clicked like Okay, No, he's not playing anymore.
(11:52):
He's serious. And then he started to choke me and
he I was like, let me go. I can't breathe.
You're choking me, and he just continued to choke me.
Push your my head into the wall. He was like,
bring your ass out here, and he he drugged me
from my bathroom to my living room. He said, let
on the couch and take your clothes off. And I
was like, you really about the rape me, like is
(12:14):
this what you're doing outside? I don't want to have
sex with you, Like, let me go, and he's kissing
on me. He tried to take my pennies off, and
now he's choking me and I can't breathe at this point,
I cannot breathe, and I'm telling him, like I cannot breathe.
You're choking me. In that moment, as I'm he's trying
to punch on me, and I'm like, okay, girl, just
let him have sex with you. Just don't fight back.
(12:36):
Just let him have sex with you, just so you
don't die. In that moment, I thought I'm about to cry.
I really thought I was gonna die. Yeah, sorry, hold on, Yeah,
that's true. That's sad. I think this for me is like,
this is something that you was, this is something that
(12:58):
you was intimate with before, So it's like, why would
he like yeah, it was? It was really he didn't
notice any signs at him before. No, I didn't, no,
mm hmm. The only thing that threw me off when
I first met him, he was like super adamant that
(13:18):
he wanted me, so he gave me his undivided attention
like I want you, and he would just he devoted
all his time to me. But I was like, Okay,
maybe this said I just like me a lot. Maybe
he is. It isn't nothing like that, but if I
play it back, he seemed very obsessive, extremely and nobody, nobody,
(13:41):
neighbors and nobody heard hurt anything like, they didn't try
to come by and see what was going on. No,
I didn't scream. I laid there and he when he
saw me just later, I didn't move. I didn't fight.
I just laid. I laid their flat and I thought
to myself, girl, just lay there, don't move. Let and
have sex with you, and when it's done, you don't
(14:03):
have to deal with him no more. He got off
me and then he pushed me, and then he was like,
I'm gonna leave. And I was like, get out my house,
Get out my house. And he was like, I'll see
you in the streets. I was like, if you do
anything to me, I'm gonna put your ass in jail.
You're going to go to jail. After that, I was
I was scared. That brought so much fear into my life.
(14:29):
I started to not go. I didn't go anywhere. I
locked myself in my house. I would go to work
and go to school and come home and me in
this house. I was sleeping with knives next to my bed.
I was sleeping like in my mind, I'm in combat mode.
If this motherfucker come in my house. I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna gut him, and if I have to go
to prison, I'm gonna go to prison. But you're not
(14:50):
gonna You won't do that. Did you go to the police?
I did not. I actually when the thought happened, I
went out to the club that h I tried to
not think about what happened to me. I just thought
he was tripping, and then it started to manifest into
(15:11):
other things. I was angry, I was depressed, I was bitter,
I had resentment. I hated men. I didn't want nobody
to touch me. I didn't want to be my friends.
I didn't even want to do my hair like I
was on some not to It's not so very traumatizing. Yeah,
and I went through it alone because I was ashamed.
(15:32):
But why why do you feel that? Why you didn't
go to the police, like were you? I was scared
because for I'm alone, I don't really have family, like
I don't talk to much of my family. I was scared.
I I feel ashamed me being me, the girl that
(15:53):
has it together, she worked, she go to school, she's bubbly,
she's life for the party. How could I have allowed
somebody to come into my space and take something like
that from me. I was like, I can't tell this
to the world. I'm out there telling them to love
theirselves and I'm here, I'm almost got sucking choked to
(16:14):
death by a man that I trusted. I was like,
I felt dirty, I felt nasty, and I didn't want
to tell the world and I don't one of the
reasons why. I know you said you didn't want to
say anything because you also felt ashamed, But like, why
did you feel ashamed because it wasn't your fault. I
(16:34):
felt ashamed because I allowed this person in my house,
and I allowed this person into my space, and I
trusted this person. And I always try to be a
good judge of character. And it's like I dropped the ball.
I completely dropped the ball. I'm the one that supposedly
has it all together, and I life hit me real hard,
(16:58):
and I I just closed myself down and I said,
I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna tell nobody.
But I started to do things that showed me that
I was very unhappy. I didn't go outside, I was
not eating, I was moody, and like I was I was.
I was nasty to everybody and and I have to
(17:20):
go back and apologize to people. And that's what I did.
I went back to it tell people what was going
on with me because I was so mean and so
bitter in that that time. I was just like six
it was six months ago, did it happened? And it's
only up until now when I let you know, that's
when I've just started to tell people what would happened
to me through your Instagram pictures or whatever. I feel
(17:42):
like you're not really like doing that time. You wasn't
really out there, like he wasn't dancing, You wasn't like no,
I wasn't doing anything. I wanted to delete my Instagram
and I don't know if you remember the point I'm
going to deactivate like I was. I was over social media. Yeah,
I was over it all. Did I become suicidal? Absolutely?
(18:07):
I did not. I I feel like I don't have
a connection with my family. I felt dishomed. I don't
have a supportive man in my life that truly loves me.
The one that I did, like he has done something
so awful to me. I was like my dreams and
my desires went out the window too. I didn't want
to be a nurse some more. I didn't want to
(18:28):
do school no more. I wanted to just like fuck everything.
So what what made you get back into feeling like
your old self? Like what were some things that you did?
So January came and um, it was the new year,
and I looked myself in the mirror and I said,
you know what, I don't want to be sad. I
(18:52):
wanna I want to be happy again because I was
just like in my whole fucking man, do him dirty,
cheat on him, do whatever you want, like, don't trust
these things. They they're not shipped like I was on
that hard body, like I'm not taking nobody serious nothing.
And I noticed that that was really messing with my
(19:16):
mental space. And I told him I didn't want to
be like that no more. I didn't want to feel sad.
I didn't want to feel empty no more. I didn't
want to be alone. So I said, you know what,
when I had to go do my annual with my doctor,
and as I'm gonna tell her, So I went to
the doctor and I said, you know, I almost was
(19:37):
raped and there was somebody who I know, he choked
me out, and she just bust out crying. She was like,
this is what I was fearing. Either someone was gonna
hurt you or you were gonna I was gonna get
news that you have died. She said, you are one
of the few that I that are doing you. You've
done it right and I don't want you to miss
(19:59):
out on anything because you were such a bright girl.
And I we just cried like, this is my doctor
who are going to get annual visits from at leastly
just like some of the time. And she cry her
eyes out because she just was like, this is what
I did not want to happen to you. I told
my therapist and I definitely was like when you told me,
(20:22):
because I was like, I feel like the last time
I spoke to you and you made me very aware, um,
just more people that's in the transgender community and how
I can be more supportive. And I feel like the
last time we spoke, but we was ding. We didn't
in my life, but I was just like, yo, just
be haldforably safe because like you know, niggas is wicked
(20:42):
out there. So I know, like, like I said that,
the last time we spoke, you really made me more
aware of the killings of women in the trans in
the community. Um, can you just speak more in that
just to educate our listeners, because I feel like some
people are aware, but it's like a lot of women
that are being killed, not even and there's women too,
but also just like I think, I feel like on Instagram,
(21:04):
I've just been seeing so many like dark skin women
of the trains of the Communian just like being dog
and nobody's doing nothing. I used to think, I'm like,
you know, you read the statistics, you hear the stories,
but you never think that that's gonna be you. I
(21:25):
didn't think that was gonna be me. Um, it was
me like the fly girl that she always you know,
partying fun girl. You know that that moment, I had
all types of dues. I wasn't taking nobody's hears Every
life was just fun. I was having a good time.
And what a lot of people don't understand. When you're
(21:47):
dating as a trans woman, things get very complicated because
we're dealing with these men. They have a lot of
issues that they have. Some of them are not how
they're not open about liking trans women. They're living in
the dark. They're battling themselves because the church has told
(22:09):
them that them being who they are is wrong. They're
gonna go to hell, Society says. He may think to himself,
that is my woman. Society is saying, no, you're still dating.
To deal with the interactions when he go out in
public with dating a trans woman. You know, it's so
much that come with it and these and I'm not
(22:31):
taking up for what these men, but I also understand
the other side. What I will say what I think
one of the reasons why we black trans girl, specifically
the dark skinned ones, we're not protected. You know, nobody
cares for us. I really feel like the world has
(22:53):
neglected us. And when it comes to l g B
t Q plus, we're usually at the bottom of the barrel.
Gay men, lesbian women tend to they mock us, they
treat us bad. But if you go back to the
history of gay rights movement, it was look like Marsha
transgender women of color, Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera
(23:16):
ones that let them. They both transgender women who led
the March Stone Wall, and they are the reasons that
we have these gay pride events. They are the reason
why we have gay pride parades. So when I see
gay men not stand up for us and tell us
why we are discussing me or it's wrong. It hurts
my heart because Sylvia Johnson, I mean Sylvia Rivera, Marsha P.
(23:39):
Johnson gave up their lives so that we can today
be free. How dare you? You know? But I don't know.
It's a lot of bs when it comes down to it.
And I also think, you know, we don't have adequate
healthcare for dark skin, I mean for women of color
just in general, there's no women of color across the
(24:00):
or we don't have proper health care. No one is
fighting for us. And then when you trickle it down
to being transgender, there's not many places that you can
go to to get healthcare. There's not many places that
you can go to to get that help to you
so you can sustain yourself. So many of my sisters
are out here doing sex. Many of my sisters are
(24:20):
out here. They're just trying to survive. They're trying to
get it the best way they can. And I always
assume since I wasn't that kind of girl, like I
have a job for you, that's not gonna happen. But
life shows you I'm still not just carrious and your
thought about this, what is, how did you feel about
(24:41):
Malik Yoba coming out? See the thing with Malik mr
everybody else as all my home girls that's transgender. They'd
be like, well, because it seems like when I did
my research, I'm going to say alleged that it was
(25:02):
alleged that he had did something like a come out
about him with a younger trans woman girl. And I
think in order for him to combat that, let me
just come out and said I stand with trans women,
I'm trans attracted and blah blah blah. And it's like,
what do you mean you're trans attractive? So many of
my sisters when they walk into rooms they look like
(25:27):
and are beautiful women and you and you can't tell.
So when you say that you are trans attracted, that
puts us in a category as if all the heart,
the work that we do to be who we are
and look how we look is not substantial. What do
you mean you trans attracted? What does that mean? You
mean you like women? Just that you like? But then
how do you feel when you have assis gender women
(25:50):
woman saying that I get it, I understand that you
are a woman, but you wasn't born biologically a woman.
There's so many arguments and so many I stopped getting
in a comment. I stopped getting in a comment because, yeah,
(26:12):
I read one woman said, damn, can we have anything?
They even trying to take away our womanhood. I was like,
oh wow, it does bother me because I'm just as
much of a woman as she is. And if you're
gonna say that I'm not a woman because I don't
(26:33):
have a vagina, then you don't understand gender identity, you
don't understand sexuality, you don't understand any of those things.
And you're speaking just based off your vagina. As I
said in my last interview, the vagina was created to reproduce.
Those are reproductive organs. That does not make you a woman.
(26:57):
Somebody said something to me. They were like, you know,
do you think that you want to get faith surgery?
And I said, excuse me, so you could be more feminine.
And I got so upset because I said, all this
hard work I've been doing and you're gonna come in
my face and tell me that I need to do
this because you want me to be the standard of beauty.
(27:17):
What is the standard of beauty? I have black women
women's features, like, is my black feature is not good enough?
Like I need to go and to lay on the
table and get some European features. UM. To address what
you were saying about um women feeling that we're not
considered women because they are. I think the misconception is
(27:39):
that we're taking from women. We're not taking from you.
Just because a man is attracted to me doesn't mean
he won't be attracted to her. I think their ideal
of taking from them is the fact that they feel
like men are just as attracted to us as they
are attracted to them, which is not a bad thing.
If a man is attracted to trans women, he's attracted
(28:02):
to a woman. Whatever we have between our legs, it's
none of their business. I'm only intimate with that man.
We set the rules in the standards in the bedroom.
Why is it such an issue what I have between
my legs when I don't make it an issue about
what's between your legs? And so I am black women
(28:25):
just in general. I don't think that there is a
lot of comaraderie amongst us in general. That's just even
beyond being transgender. I think that we are very destructive
to one another. I think that we are very um
nasty like it. It's a crabbing, a barrel situation, and
I think that stems from the fact that of how
(28:47):
we're just treated in the world, so then we it
trickles down to how we treat one another. We're not
super supportive. And I've seen online the growth like we're
doing this all these women enrichment programs and offerences and
things like that. But on the flip side, you see
them dragging one another and you hear them talking about
(29:07):
black woman's hair or being dark skinned, and how isn't
it a bigger issue that dark skinned models aren't treated
the way they need to be treated like we need
to within our community like that. I don't even got
nothing to do. But with trans that's just colorism. Like
if you are dark skinned, you are treated a certain
(29:29):
way you and I I know it. I think you
know that too. You've being darker skin and look at it.
They put the lighter skin ones in the front, they
put them on the front covers, they put them in
the TV shows, and they get to tell the stories
even if it was from a dark skin black That's
the fight that we have to go through and that
(29:51):
we've been going through. So I definitely agree with you
on that one for sure. Because colorism is really big
within our community. How do you think that it's even
bigger in the trans community. It's big in the trans community.
The lighter skin trans girls are treated, Oh god, They're
(30:12):
put on a pedestal, the lighter skin trans growth. That's
why I was going so hard, like on my social
media to showcase, like I know I'm dark skinned, but
I know I'm beautiful, and I want you to see
me every day. I want just I want you to
see this because I was just like so many times
like my attacker. You know what he told me, he said,
he got into the argument we were arguing that that.
(30:34):
He was like, I don't really want you because I'm
when I get big and I get money, I'll be
fucking bitches like Sydney Star. I said, are used up.
The Sydney Start is a lighter skin trans girl and
she's very popular on social media. I said it, that's
supposed to hurt my feelings and he was like, yeah,
because I'm nobody want to know dark skin bitch like you.
I was like, oh yeah, and you see, I was
(31:00):
playing that in my mind. I'm like he said, You're
gonna go get Sydney Star and I'm like my card skin,
like I'm not good enough. That was really when it
hit me how the power of what men say to
us really determine how we let it determine who we are.
Because we started to believe it, we start to do
things to ourselves, especially if you've been intimate, and that
(31:22):
we give men a lot of power. Yeah, So, how
can the listeners out there, and most of the listeners
is predominantly predominantly black women, how can we support more
women in the transgender community? UM? Depending on what state
you live in, each state has different organizations that provide
services for the whole LGBTQ community and some specializing directly
(31:45):
and trans help. So I would definitely say hit up
your online go online and look for the organizations and
hit them up. Even if you're able to give the
girls like some diode rant or if you could provide clothing, UM,
any type of assistance for hiding, any type of assistance
for getting jobs, any type of assistance for providing it
(32:06):
with shelters, any anything that you can do to help
the community is just so appreciated. Right, How has your
mental health been affected by this situation. Um, I'm a
lot more conscientious of what I'm doing and who I'm
involved with. I pay attention to every sign, every little
(32:27):
thing I'm paying attention to. I listened to every word.
Whatever you tell me, I'm paying attention to it. No
one has been back in my space since the incident,
and I'm just like, that's why I'm at with it,
Like I don't feel comfortable with anybody touching me or
having me because I'm just I'm not there. I have
started dating again. I'm in a relationship. So you have
(32:49):
a boyfriend right now. I do. I do have a
boyfriend now, And it's so ironic every time we do
inter of you. I got that's one thing I know
you ain't got a problem with. I do have a boyfriend.
He is aware of what happened to me. We have discussed, like,
(33:10):
I told him everything. I've been super transparent. What I'm
doing differently now with this relationship. I'm playing it straight.
I'm doing the right thing. I am fully committed to him.
I know what I want and I'm going with the flow.
And I'm also making sure that I set the standards
for what I will tolerate and when I will not
tolerate and my other relationships, I didn't do that. I
(33:32):
would just like, okay, whatever, you know, I'm going with
the flow. I'm not really, I'm not on that. But
you really got to set the tone for how you
want to be treated, and you got to set the
tone from the gate because let you allow will continue.
What you allow will continue. So if they pull a
sunt the first time, you check it, and if you
don't get it together, you leave him. That's why I'm
at with it now. I used to be afraid that,
(33:53):
you know, I don't want to lose him. I don't
want to lose this guy. I really like him. Now
I'm like, if I have to leave you in order
for me to be happy, I would leave you. I
would leave anybody. I will. I'm not afraid to drop
any person if it's going to affect the way I
feel about myself and the work that I've done to
be the woman I am today. I'm not toleranting. I
(34:14):
also feel like you're matured in the sense and not
just after the situation that you experienced. For like, I
feel like when you was first starting to become within
your transition of of your womanhood. You know, you was fun.
You was out there, you were doing turking videos. You
was like, but now I feel like you. I think
you're you're becomming. So now you have a more sense
(34:36):
of who you are and I feel like you you
cut that down a lot because you don't want people
to look at you as oh, she likes to work
this that, because that's not who you are. I'm more
than that and at dynamic. And what my therapist told
me the other day, she was like, have you ever
taken a moment to just look at your life and
how much you've overcome and how how what you got
(34:56):
going on? I was like no. She was like, take
a moment to just gaze at the landscape and see
what you've done and how far you've come, and how
you maintain yourself. And you are such a brilliant young lady.
And that's why I'm at with it now. It's like
I'm I'm valuing myself. Yeah, because if I didn't, if
(35:20):
I did value myself like the way I should have
valued myself, these players won't even get a chance. But
now I'm in a place now you gotta do what
you gotta do. If you're gonna have me and if
you're not gonna do what you're gonna do this, it's
deuces like, it is what it is. And I know
you're still in therapy now right Absolutely, I'll never stop.
(35:42):
Yeah that's really good. I definitely see the the growth
within you from when I first met you to a
react now. Yeah, I'm I felt like a whole different person.
I definitely. I have one of the women that I know,
I told them about what happened to because she wasn't
one of the ones that I used to give attitude
to when I was really going through the phase. And
(36:04):
she was just like, now, I understand why you were
when you were, and I knew something was different because
you just wasn't your bubbly self. Yeah, looking back on it,
I definitely see the difference for sure. Yeah. And she
just told me, she said, even though it hurts you,
look at it as a lesson. Mhm. She said, maybe
you were just having so much fun that you weren't
(36:26):
thinking about the people that you're interacting with. You just
was having a good time. She said, there's nothing wrong
with having a good time, but you got to know
who you're having a good time with, because everybody is
not there to love you. Yeah. Um. Last list some
of the advice she would give to our listeners out
there that have been sexually trans uh, sexually assaulted. Um,
if you've been sexually assaulted, please don't do like I did.
(36:49):
Go get help, tell somebody. Don't sit in your house
and keep it to yourself. That's the worst thing you
could do. Tell somebody. Talk to somebody. You cannot fight
this battle by yourself. I've learned that I need people.
I used to think I was so independent. I don't
need no lotty and not even need people. You need community,
(37:11):
and you need community like I didn't think I needed that,
Like I was like, girl, I'm like, I'm making money,
I'm in my life. I don't need y'all. Like, if
y'all want to go. It is what it is when
you sitting in your room by yourself, when you're looking
at them four walls and you ain't got nobody. It's
the worst feeling in the world. Appreciate your people, talk
(37:33):
to somebody, build relationships, love those who love you. Do
not go into spaces that make you feel inadequate, that
bring down your self esteem, that makes you feel like
you're not good enough, and I used to do that
to conform, like I just wanted to get along, like
I just wanted to be around. Yeah. No, I'm really
proud of you, I feel like and then we do
(37:55):
have a good friendship. You know, we keep in contact
with each other, and I've definitely seen your growth and
I'm looking for and seeing more of you along your
journey of becoming a dope ass woman. So I'm really
proud of you. You know, you gotta give yourself pross
because life is not as easy as we would like it.
But life ain't fair, but life is fun still, and
(38:18):
his life is generous. So I'm happy that you're okay.
You're in the best space. Yeah, and you ever need
to reach out and talk to anybody, you know, I'm
here for you. I have you know what's crazy. I
wanted to hit you up earlier on. I was like,
maybe she will understand because you have so many people
that you talked to like you you are unbuiased. But
(38:41):
again I thought I was ashamed. I wasn't gonna tell nobody.
I was like, no, I can't tell you that that
ain't that happened to me. Now, you really, I would
definitely not judge you like, no, what he did he
completely violated. Yeah, well I called him a fucking roach,
(39:02):
so mad like I can't. But you know, I definitely
appreciate you sharing your story on the podcast because I
feel like more people need to hear it is. We
need to like, you know, we gotta come together and
not let this happen to somebody else, you know, right
about that about it? Y'all have any questions, commental concerns,
please hit me up and hello at the PhD podcast
(39:24):
dot com if you want to connect with my guests,
but I'm pretty sure she might not have a problem
with hit me up, I connect you with her on
her social media and until next time, guys. Later
Host
Eboné Almon
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