62. How Ballet Helped Me Reconnect With My Body After Being Raped

During this week's episode of The PHG Podcast, I had the pleasure of interviewing my guest who shares her journey on how ballet helped her reconnect with her body after being raped. She shares her story on being introduced to ballet, surviving her sexual assault, and creating a space to help other survivors heal through movement.  

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
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(00:21):
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supporting me. And let's begin this week's episode later. Welcome,
you are now listening to the Professional for Sure. Hey guys,

(01:07):
welcome to this week's episode of the PhD Podcast. This
is your girl at eban A and as always, I
am super excited about this week's episode. Um, before we begin,
you know the routine, let's do a little housekeeping. Please
make sure to follow me on Instagram at the Professional
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(01:28):
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Make sure you show the web site some love at
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please make sure to email me at Hello at the
PhD podcast dot com. Now, please keep in mind that
all of my guests are anonymous. So let's begin this

(01:49):
week's episode. So, to my guests, how are you feeling?
Pretty damn good, pretty blessed? Um? I just want to
say thank you for taking the time out of your
is the schedule the top of me about your inspiring journey. Um,
Like I told you this before when I first saw
your story, and it resonated with me so much so,

(02:09):
and I'm pretty sure it's going to do the same
for our listeners. So thank you so much. You're very welcome.
Thank you for having me. So let's start from the
very beginning, shall we. Yeah, let's do. So when were
you introduced to ballet? I was introduced to ballet recreationally

(02:30):
at about three years old, and then pre professionally at nine.
That's when I started taking it more seriously. Talk to
your documentary on Hulu and at the age of eight,
you ask your mom if you can audition for our
ballet program and she said, no, that's not what black
girls do. That is corrected, and and actually, at the time,

(02:57):
I was auditioning or two art programs that were available
UM as after school options. She gave me permission to
audition for the theater program, but not for the dance program.
So I snuck an auditioned for the dance program, and

(03:19):
once I got accepted into it, that's when I shared
with her. But how did it make you feel at
the age of eight where she told you that, Um,
I was crushed because I could tell already at that
age that art was not something that was allowed to
be explored too much in our community. And I was

(03:42):
um fortunate enough to grow up with other black students
UM who were dancing whose parents supported it um more
at the time, So I it was it was very
disappointing to know that I'm I'm seeing black people do this,

(04:05):
I'm seeing other little black girls and little black boys
do this, but I'm being told that I can't because
of how you were raised. And um that's actually what
prompted me to not only sneak and go on the audition,
but to also ask um my father UH for support

(04:27):
because my parents were divorced by that time, so I
kind of just had to be sneaky and go behind
um both of their backs actually to make my dream
come true. And then you was also bullied for attended
ballet classes and the kids were calling you a oreo. Yes, listen,
I come from the hood in Baltimore and they but

(04:50):
I would have to ride that bus, the school bus.
I'm not the school bus, but um public transportation from
school to dance class. And I would have my bad
l A tights on underneath of my uniform and I
would have a nappy bun because it wasn't nobody putting
my hand a fun for me because I was not
supposed to be going to bad Lake Lass, so presentation

(05:13):
was not all that important. But they tear my ass up. Girl.
They used to everything you could think of, tied with bleach,
low tide, high tide, all kinds they would they would
give it to me and um, so up until I
actually got accepted into performing art school. That's a lot
of the ridicule that I was faced with learning UM

(05:37):
that I was going to be UM considered an outcast
because I had an interest in something that nobody else
was exposed to you in my neighborhood, in my community.
M hmm. What made you fall in love about that
because throughout your documentary, I can't really tell how much
you really love it. Oh man, UM, the great is

(06:00):
the elegant and the opportunity just to get lost in
movement when you have choreography or combinations to recall, it's
a moment where you get to focus solely on UM
expression using movement and growing up. UM. Even before I

(06:25):
understood what what anxiety was, I dealing with anxiety issues.
So I was the little girl who I would have
a back backpack full of birthday invitations. But it wouldn't
be until my father went through my backpack that he
saw that I missed three or four birthday parties that
I was invited to. But somehow I convinced myself that

(06:45):
you know, nobody actually wanted me to be there, and Um,
because I was dealing with these type of issues at
such a young age, it was just such a great
escape from reality for me and it gave me the
ability to be able to focus on something outside of

(07:07):
what my normal life was. Where did those issues come
from it at a young age? Honestly, UM, I think
it's a lot of disappointment that was projected from UM.
Other people in my family, other people in my life,

(07:28):
other women in my life who watched me developed this
interest in art and in a classical discipline. Um, and
I think that there was jealousy that that developed. I
wasn't Yeah, so I wasn't trying to you know, my
my my goal once I graduated from high school was

(07:51):
not to get a job at the post office and
stay there for twenty years and retired. Yeah, you know,
I I completely went against what ever they thought my
plan should be, and I um stayed committed to being myself.

(08:12):
And um, there was a lot of you know, in
the house bullying that occurred just from my family growing up,
from women growing up with women from a different generation
that didn't understand that you can follow your dreams. You
can be passionate about something and if you believe hard enough,
you can figure out a way to develop it into

(08:32):
something lucrative. And that are to be wasting time, excuse
wasting money, wasting energy because I had this passion and
I wasn't gonna let it go. So, yeah, they gave

(08:53):
me a hard time. Yeah, I can imagine. So fast
forward to the year twelve. Thanks for going really good
for you. I read that you was saying how he
was excited by getting a new apartment. You was a
stuff into school and you're about to audition for a
music video. Tell us about that time. So life was bomb. Um.
I just so I saw, like I really thought that

(09:15):
I had figured out a way to balance UM work life,
personal life and you know, my my actual dreams and
UM at the time, I was working for a medical office.
I was doing like a billing coding and billing for

(09:36):
this medical office, and UM, I was preparing for these
great transitions and then out of nowhere, you know, this
devastating at ockers and everything is halted and my life
completely stopped for a few years. Uh. But prior to that,

(10:01):
I had so many things to look forward to, like
so many things, and it was just when I think
about it, UM, it's still a little heartbreaking to know that, UM,
I had such a good, solid plan back then. While
my plan actually UM it was to not only continue

(10:27):
this particular job through the medical office because they were
paying for me to go back to school, but to
also on the weekends, I was getting on the bus.
I was in Philadelphia, I was in New York. I'm
hitting up auditions and open calls as much as possible.
Just doing what I need to do, just to make
sure that I'm still a part of the scene, the
art scene, making sure that I'm networking, developing new relationships,

(10:52):
and just making sure that I'm out in front of Pete. Yeah,
just making it work. Ron crusting my ass and um,
but I loved it. I loved it. I was also
in a relationship at the time, and he and I
seemed like that we were progressing, you know, towards UM
our next step of UM engagement. And when this when

(11:19):
when the assault occurred. He was so disgusted by UM,
the act and by the fact that he was unable
to look at me as desirable any longer. Oh, yeah,
it was. It was a mess. So I talked with twelve.
You were attacked? Can you tell us about that day? Yes,

(11:41):
So I was coming home from work. Um, I had
stopped off, did a couple of like, uh, responsible big
girl things, like I paid some bills and had stopped
at the grocery store, stopped at the mall, had a
couple of bags to take in the house. And I
was old, this is something that I actually mentioned a lot.

(12:05):
And not to make it sound like I'm blaming myself,
but I had such a mistaken feeling of in this invincibility,
and because I had this plan, and because I seemed
to be following my plan and the outcomes UM seemed

(12:29):
to be going as expected. I never thought that I
needed to think about my security with my personal protection
because it wasn't nobody ever gonna funk with me. And
that was just the overall disposition that I had when

(12:49):
it came to UM my space, and when it came
to my um my, my my charity. And I remember
coming home that night. I'm parking my car, I get
out and have headphones in my ears, lasting music like
I didn't have a radio in my car. UM. I

(13:13):
stepped out of my car. I never checked my surroundings.
I never look around. I never do any of the
things that now and probably then we're drooled in my
head about being observant, about you know, making sure lights
are on, about letting people know about your locations and

(13:34):
what your plans are. I didn't think anything like that
applied to me from you too when I was watching
your documentary, because you said those exact same words, and
I was like, wow, I felt like you felt like
nothing could happen to you, or like you just didn't
think nothing of it. Exactly that's exactly where I was.
And then also, um, you know I come from. UM

(13:58):
my father is very first acted in the city, and
throughout my entire life, I remember there being situations where
he would get stocked in the street and if he,
you know, would let someone know that I was his daughter,
then it would almost be like this red carpet was,
you know, placed in front of me, and it created
this false sense of um, of me almost being above

(14:24):
the law. And I because I had that thinking, UM,
I never once thought that there would be that somebody
would ever test me or someone would ever play with
me like that. And UM, so that was my own
arrogance that led me not to do um basic things

(14:49):
like just check look outside of my car windows and
make sure nobody suspicious looking is in the parking lot,
especially when I know that I'm the only person who's
entering exiting a vehicle and it's nine o'clock at night,
and I happened to be in an apartment complex that's
heavily surrounded by woods. So as I'm getting out of

(15:13):
the car going to the trunk to get my bags out, um,
someone hits me on the head. I felt the pain initially,
but I think the when you when you were first
hit on the head, or if you were hit in
any type of way, that initial moment is nothing but

(15:36):
shot and me trying to figure out what actually did
just happen. I was in that process when he hit
me again and then I just dropped Yeah, so he UM.
I remember opening my eyes. I'm still standing there and
shock trying to figure out where this sharp pain came from.

(15:59):
And even and at that moment, I still never turned around. UM.
I was grabbing my head and I remember having this
feeling like I was about to fall forward into my trunk.
And then he hit me again, and then that's when
he began dragging me into the woods. UM. I opened

(16:21):
up my eyes one time, and then the pain was
so unbearable that I think I just passed back out again. UM,
and through I woke up maybe one or two more
times as he was assaulting me. UM. I think at

(16:44):
that moment, and I have talked about this with my
therapist before, my response to the trauma at the moment
was my brain to cut off any you know, any um,
any action that would let me be in the moment,

(17:06):
and I believe that my brain told my body to
stay sleep until he was done, UM, so that that
portion of the pain I would not at least have
to be conscious for. And I UM remember when I

(17:29):
woke up, UM, I was missing a shoe. He had
urinated on me, he had robbed me. Um. And I
remember sitting there for what felt like, I don't know,
maybe an hour, just trying to piece things back together
before I had crawled out of the woods and got

(17:51):
into my building. Um. In all actuality, from the moment
I got home and to the moment I got to
my building, and may have been about twenty minutes, maybe
twenty minutes, I remember being like pulling into my apartment complex,

(18:16):
maybe just after eight thirty, and then by nine thirty
the police have been called. So you Dave reported right
to the police. And what happened after that, Oh yeah,
I went through that whole thing. I was so I

(18:38):
was so embarrassed by the treatment I was receiving from police.
I was so embarrassed that after my third or fourth interview,
I just I stopped, UM, I stopped believing that they

(19:00):
been cared about me at all. They were so focused
on trying to convince me that criminals weren't smart enough
to commit to crimes. At the same time, the female
coctive told me that there is no way that anybody
would be able to assault me and rob me because
criminals are not that smart. And I remember sitting there

(19:23):
looking at this woman and just I couldn't believe what
I was hearing. Um Also the fact that I did
my best to stay calm throughout the interview process also
through them for a loop, they didn't believe me because

(19:45):
I wasn't hysterical enough. But also I found that if
when it comes to police, and when it comes to
any type of agency um that you know serves as
civil service, there you can't convey information and hysterics. So
I'm trying to maintain my composure. I'm working on, you know,

(20:09):
my breathing and making sure that I answer questions as
best as possible without falling apart. And then they tell
me that I need to tell them the truth about
really happen. And I was also discussed with the fact
that they were trying to go back and forth with
an investigation as a rape or a robbery, and I
was like, y'all serious, Yeah, it was. It was insane

(20:30):
because this is what I came to learn. Assault rape
and sexual assaults are cases that police don't want to
process because the amount of paperworking and reports for sexual
assault cases can be anywhere from seven pages up until
you know, whatever the infinite number might be. And it

(20:54):
was a lot easier for them to pursue the robbery
because is there was even with a rape kit being done,
there was um more evidenced or it was easier for
them to pursue the robbery because visibly you could tell

(21:14):
that my things had been taken. You could tell that
he ran off with, you know, my items. He um
like he had emptied out some contents of my wallet
like in the woods. Um, but there were things that
he got away with, and I was so hurt when
I found out, um how they were treating the investigation.

(21:41):
I also remember not having one black cock. Havn't I
did not have from the when the police were called,
it was nothing but all white men that came, all
white men, And I had explained into them that this

(22:02):
was from what I could see, because there were small
things that I was able to make out, and it
was mainly that he was either white or very very
light skinned, and he had a tattoo on one of
his hands, and um, but other than that, you know,
I wasn't able to give much of a physical mean describe, right,
and you know, so I'm doing the best that I can.

(22:25):
And um, I was just I was disgusted with how
disgusting they thought I was for letting something like that
happened to me and or lying about something like that.
Because that's the other thing that I came to find
out about police is that their job is heavily rooted
in speculation. And if they are unable to speculate and

(22:48):
come up with some type of idea as to what
may have occurred that makes sense to them, then your
story does not matter. And they really, um, they treated
me horribly like I to the point where I am
working with advocacy agencies to help try to offset some

(23:14):
of the disrespect that was coming my way. And by
time these women at this advocacy agency was done with
the police department, the captain had sent me a handwritten
letter apologizing for the mistreatment of my case. Now, mind you,
I I called. I continued to reach out to the

(23:37):
detective that was handling the robbery investigation, because also by
that time, I was like you know, if this is
the part that they're going to stay interested in, then
at least it's something. I've reached out to that detective
until two thousand fifteen, he never returned any of my

(23:58):
phone calls. And that's when I just stopped calling can
discuss them because that Black women feel like we're just disposable,
like if something happened a well like what yeah, yeah,
And it was very much a situation of Oh, you'll
get over it, and UM I couldn't. I just I

(24:22):
fell into a deeper depression, my anxiety, it was, it
was horrible. And then also during the time I had
lost my job, I had lost the apartment that I
was going to be moving into, everything that I had
been working towards. It was just taking from no, wow, no, no.

(24:50):
I didn't get a I got a phone call UM
maybe back in two seventeen asking about some things related
to the case, but there was no follow up and
it wasn't UM. It wasn't because they may have had,

(25:12):
you know, someone in mind. It was because of the
fact that UM, there was this investigation that had been
opened up because of backloggings for or sexual uh rape kits,
and UM I was being contacted to see if anybody

(25:35):
had ever reached out to me about the results of
the kids, or if it had you know, if any
of the detectives who were working on the case had
reached out to me. And that was the last time
I heard from anybody. And um, after a while, I
just I had to leave it alone. I had alone
so that I could start working on healing because I'd

(25:58):
allowed myself to put so much faith in law enforcement
and the justice system. Um, you know, they basically dragged
me through the mud that I I was not gonna
allow for them to do anything else with it. I
was so embarrassed by the way that they were treated me.

(26:19):
I stopped telling people what happened to me. I didn't
tell my father. I didn't tell him until, you know,
sometime later. Um. You know, also, I was facing a
lot of criticism from family members, women in my family,
who would say, well, if she wasn't so fast, or

(26:39):
you know, if she hadn't been such a hussy, or
maybe if she uh didn't dress the way she did.
I had on scrubs when this happened. There was nothing
sexy about my delivery. And if there was, that's still
not a fucking excuse or a reason. So I don't

(27:01):
care if I was as naked walking down the street
singing Happy Birthday, that's still not an invitation for you
to violate me. So I was dealing with a lot
of things like that. When I was in the hospital,
um my mom came to see me. Once my oldest
brother went on this campaign of disproving anything that I

(27:25):
shared with law enforcement. He called family members and told
them not to believe me. Nobody ever reached out to me.
And because that's what I was dealing with, I I
stopped looking for support. And I'm from up. That's a
good point I wanted to bring up because on top
of all of this, you found out she was pregnant,

(27:48):
and yeah, that was And the thing I took from
there is I love how you shared light on the
lack of support that you did receive during this time,
because I feel like a lot of people feel like
they need that's a worth to go to get through things.
But you did it on your own, and I thought
that was just like amazing. That shows resilience and like
hers because like sometimes people just don't want to do
anything because they don't have the support that they think

(28:10):
they need. Yeah, and that's that's where I was for
a little bit. Like it took me time to get
to this point where I was like, you know, I'm tired.
I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being scared,
and I need to do something about this ship. So, um,
I did I I wind up pregnant. I keep it

(28:32):
to myself because by this time I had gone through
so much ship with the police and with you know,
the lack of support from my family. The day after
all of this occurred, um, when I was because they

(28:54):
didn't keep me in the hospital after all of the
testing was done. They did release me back home, but
day after I was encouraged by family members to go
to work as if nothing happened to me. And the
main reason behind that was because, oh, well, you know,
the same thing happened to me when I was your age,
when I was younger, and you know, I just had
to deal with it. I just had to get through it.

(29:17):
I Yeah, it's very sad to know that you were
conditioned to ignore your pain and and mental health status.
And I, um, I mean luckily we're not luckily, you know,
I was. I was let go from that job because
of this. But UM, when I found out I was pregnant,

(29:41):
I my whole When I tell you that, suicide never
looked better in that moment. And you know, knowing that
not only am I'm pregnant, not only am I pregnant
by somebody I don't know, but I'm pregnant with some
white man's baby, and I I felt even more disgusting

(30:07):
than the law enforcement that was investigated my case. I
I was so disappointed with myself as if I let
this happen, as if I would have had the wherewithal
in the moment to remind my rapists to put on
a condom, and I, UM, I didn't tell anybody. So

(30:34):
Also at the time, UM I was processing for UM
unemployment and I had to wait because of the fact
that my ID and my wallet was stolen. Yeah, it
took me some time. It took me maybe about a
month to be able to get replacement identification. The banks

(30:59):
weren't being UM I remember distinctly pn C not trying
to help me out in any type of way, even
when I came in with my birth certificate to let
me access my money. UM I had to go through
an additional process of you know, getting my identification um

(31:22):
UM replaced so that I would be able to move around.
But I had to reach out to UM an abortion
fund in order to get my abortion paid for. Not
only that this is why I will always ride from
playing currenthood, but those ladies took care of me, and

(31:44):
they understood the situation that I was faced with. Also,
they understood that I was by myself. They understood UM
that UM I didn't I didn't have any type of support.
And you know, when I think about it, when I
look back on this, like I it does sadden me

(32:05):
to know that I was so embarrassed that I didn't
even talk to my dad about this, because now I
know he would have been that rock. He would have
been that support system that I needed. But anxiety and
embarrassment and just knowing that before anybody asked me if
I was okay, that they started pointing fingers at me.

(32:26):
Just it kept me from exploring UM or just even
relying on the love that that man has for and UM.
So I UH planned parenthood. They took care of me.
They made sure that I had all of the resources
to get my abortion fully funded, and then they made

(32:49):
sure that UM they had someone they had a volunteer, UM.
She was a volunteer from an advocacy agency come with
me the day of my procedure because they wouldn't legally,
they wouldn't have been able to let me leave by myself, right,

(33:11):
So there was a volunteer that came and sat with
me and waited until the procedure was done, and then
she drove me home afterwards. So they hooked me up
and they there was actually like, UM, a phone tree
that they developed through the advocacy agency, UM, so that

(33:33):
somebody would check on me once a day for the
next two weeks until I had my follow up a
point and UM. Yeah, so that's how I was able
to do that. I remember reading UM that you said
that the embarrassment and the shame consumed you so much
to the point that it led you into depression. And

(33:54):
I remember you saying that you were shower with the
mirrors cover. As soon as I read that, like that
literally like it broke my heart. Yeah, I couldn't. I
had a really hard time looking at myself after that.
I couldn't. UM for a while, I was almost recognizable

(34:18):
to myself when I would look in the mirror. I
it was like I was a shell of my former self.
I had no desire to do anything. There was no motivation.
I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to drink,
I didn't want to sleep. I had to build up

(34:40):
strength for me too, UM, for me to engage with society.
UM for a short moment, I had developed what I
now know is agoraphobia. And I stayed in the house
m um for about gosh for a couple of months,

(35:04):
and then you know, I did baby steps, you know,
to to build up that UM protection, to build up
that that sense of security that would allow for me
to go back outside and get back to a normal routine.
But I hated looking at myself. I hated UM knowing

(35:27):
that I don't even feel like the woman who is
good enough, worthy enough to um even share space with somebody.
And it was heartbreaking. I missed out. I lost a
lot of people. I lost a lot of friends. I

(35:48):
stopped talking to a lot of family. My depression spiral
to a point where I convinced myself that I was
so disgusting that there's no way my father would want
to look at me. He would if I went around him,
he would be able to automatically sense that you know this,

(36:09):
this violation occurred, and he wouldn't want me anymore, And
so I didn't talk to him for almost three years.
I never gave him an explanation. I just one day,
I just stopped. I just stopped talking. And it's it's
it's probably to this day one of the biggest mistakes

(36:31):
that I feel like I made, missing out on those
three years with him. I mean, he's still here where
you know, he's live, we're kicking it with everything is great,
that's my boy. But just knowing that, I, yeah, yeah,
I did. I made it for him. And then when
I did go back home, it was it burned me

(36:55):
up knowing that he was letting me come back home
with open arms and an open heart and didn't even
you know, it was very much. I walked in the house,
he gave me a hug and kiss, and he whispered
in my air, don't ever do this again. And then
we just got the business. He just got back in

(37:16):
the family. Yeah, and he never made me explain myself.
He never made me do anything like that. But also
he is the parent that was more into to to
my anxiety issues growing up. He was he paid more attention.
He believed in mental health, so he yes. So, I

(37:43):
mean that's what most of the conversations we have now
are centered around trauma and responses that I had to
my own trauma and him. Yeah, and he things that
he recognized even as a little girl. So, um, you know,
the it's like, I'm I'm disappointed, but also I'm grateful

(38:07):
because now I know I know that this man, uh
you know, we'll move them mountain for me. And um,
but yeah, I was. I was very hurt by the
fact that I made that decision for him and that's
not what he wanted at all. But I'm very, very

(38:27):
glad to be in this situation where um, we're texting
for a hour, or we will just go and have
brunch or you know, I'll just go over there and
sit and we'll just have coffee talk, and you know,
it's just it's it's so nice knowing that they're even

(38:48):
through all of this, all of this devastation, I was
able to regain purity when it came to other relationships.
You know, that's like within and I mean that specifically
with the relationship I have with my father. It is
sacred to me now and um, but yeah, I did.

(39:14):
I went through that by myself. UM. Also because of
the fact I didn't know how to heal. I didn't know,
you know, outside of UM, outside of my traditional therapy
and group sessions. I didn't know what the options were

(39:36):
available to you. I read about you, But how did
ballet help you get your confidence back? Ballet has principles
and elements that are rooted in grace and elegance, and
that's something that I always attributed to sensuality and femininity.

(39:57):
And I remember getting to a point where I wanted
to feel like a woman again. I didn't. I wanted
to feel I wanted to feel desirable again. But I
wasn't ready for somebody to tell me things that would
make me feel good. I wasn't ready to share space

(40:18):
with anybody. But I was ready for an activity that
would make me feel great. I was ready for a
discipline that would allow for me to throw myself into
it so much that I didn't have time to think
about my pain. And that's what ballet was. Ballet was
so strict for me, even growing up there, when I

(40:41):
walked into the studio and nobody care about my feelings,
that's what I needed. I needed something to throw myself into,
and that's it was just it was just so natural
for me to go back to something that meant so
much to me already, and it was something that always

(41:04):
brought me joy. It was something that always made me happy.
And also it was procedural, and that played a big
part in my resilience. I remember having a conversation with
my dad when I was about uh nineteen or twenty,

(41:24):
and I was explaining to him, um, how my anxiety
was so bad that it would it wouldn't allow me
to sleep sometimes I wouldn't know what would trigger it.
I seemed to be okay. You know, my bills were paid,
I had friends, Um right, you know, I seemed to
be fine. But I have no idea why I'm starting

(41:46):
my days throwing up, or why at night my body
is tired. I lay in bed, I get in bed
ninety but I'm laying in bed awake until to two am.
And um, my father explained to me that what was
happening is that my brain was so active during that

(42:07):
time because I'm thinking about worst case scenarios for everything
that I'm not allowing for my brain to shut down
so that I can rest. So um. He taught me
a trick about going through something that I enjoy as
a procedure, so that if my brain is going to

(42:29):
be working, I'm thinking about something that brings me peace,
I'm thinking about something that's calming, and I'm thinking about
something that is soothing enough that I will eventually drift
into slumber. So one of the activities that we share
is cooking, specifically baking. He and now we will You

(42:49):
will think that, you know, we are Betty Crocker. But
but so he told me one night, he said, listen,
this is what you do. He was like, when you're
in bed it and you're having these hard moments and
you just can't you just can't let go. He was like,
I want to. I want you to think about baking
a cake. But he said, I don't want you to
think about from the moment you go in the kitchen.

(43:11):
I want you to think about from the moment you
get the idea of baking the cake. You get up,
you put on your clothes, you get your car keys,
you go to the car because you need to go
to the market to buy all of your ingredients. He said,
you don't start in the kitchen. You start from the
very beginning the inception of making idea. By time you've

(43:32):
gotten to the point where you're about to bring your
groceries into the house, you fall in asleep. And that
trip helped me so much because instead of me laying
down thinking about whether or not I paid my B
g and E or whether or not I'm gonna have
enough money to pay my B g andy, I'm thinking

(43:52):
about the carrot cake muffins that I would like to
have baked to take into work. I thinking about, you know,
the cookies, UM, the recipe that I want to create
that I know exactly. So ballet served as that type

(44:13):
of procedure that I needed. If I was given a combination,
there was a whole set of rules behind that combination.
There was a whole set of disciplines that I had
it to follow that I had to follow in order
for me to successfully UM implement technique, for me to

(44:36):
successfully be able to do these these movements in class
UM and So that's that's why ballet became the catalysts
behind the program. UM. It was just enough procedure mixed
with discipline mixed with skill that UM, I didn't have

(44:58):
time to feel sorry for my self because I knew
that I wanted to be the best dancer I could be.
Now at that point, it wasn't even about me being
um the best woman I wanted to. It was like
I reverted back to being a student again and I
wanted corrections. I wanted I wanted to be seen in

(45:20):
the dance studio. I wanted to earn a role. And
because of that, UM, I was able to focus on
elements of healing that you know, eventually brought me to
where I And also for any of my listeners that
want to be a part of our program, you know,

(45:42):
all of my guests are anonymous, and I'm also about
supporting our brownies out there that's doing a damn thing.
Please make sure to email me at hello at the
professional homegoard dot com and I would make sure to
sing you her way. But one thing that a little
about your program is how you want to create a
space that allows women to heal move meant and not
only had a therapy as an option. I thought was

(46:07):
and um, so thank you because when when I was
going through this process, the only thing that was available
to me was traditional therapy or group sessions. But it
was nothing. There was nothing available that let me reconnect
with my body and it was nothing that was helping
me feel like a woman again. I could go to

(46:29):
therapy and talk to them blue in the face. What
is that gonna do about making me feel like I
can be sexually desirable to somebody? And what is that
gonna do about, you know, making me feel exactly? That's
what I needed, and I needed also to be a

(46:49):
part of a network of survivors that didn't always want
to talk about the trauma that brought you to this session.
I I could not believe the amount of group sessions,
group therapy sessions I was attending where it was, Um,
it was almost expected for you to uh tell your

(47:13):
your story of trauma over and over and over again,
want to exactly and that's you don't want to keep
reliving it exactly. And so this was prior to me
finding out what triggers were. Trigger was not a word
that was used so much back right, So it is

(47:38):
the girl therapi. But um, I you know there there's
language that's used now that wasn't used back then, and um,
you know nobody. It didn't make sense to me that
I was being invited or advised to go to these
sessions where they would treat my pain like band aid

(48:01):
that could just be easily ripped off. And then you're
sending me home without any type of follow up. You're
sending me home without any type of recourse. So okay,
you have me come into the session. We talked about
what braun is here, But then, right, what do I
do after that? All I'm right, all I'm doing is
just talking, talking and talking. Also, the spaces that were created,

(48:25):
these safe spaces that were created for survivors to be
able to share trauma only cater to one type of
survivor and that's the blonde hair blue icon. And so
I never really felt like there was a safe space
that was intended for me. And when I say me,
I mean women of color, and um I I struggled

(48:53):
trying to figure out who my friend could be in
this situation. I was still, you know, sister, I was
looking for you know, right, I wanted somebody who looked
like me. But then also I came to realize that,
because of how mental health is stigmatized within our community,
that even if there were women looking for the same

(49:15):
type of support and resources, they weren't gonna let anybody
know they weren't going to because we are expected to
just bear the way to the world on our shoulders
and keep pushing because we're strong. Okay, we're strong black woman.
I'm no, I'm not always a strong black woman. Okay,

(49:39):
I'll be having days or I'm falling apart, and I
want people to acknowledge that I'm falling the apart. Don't
tell me just to get over it or you'll be
fun and all kinds of stuff. No, what that is.
That's traumatizing language for me to know that I'm unable
to process my feelings, my emotions because you're uncomfortable with

(50:00):
the fact that I might have a bad day. And um,
so listen, I couldn't even when it comes to when
it comes to my mother, I love her to death,
and if I hadn't learned anything, it's just it's it's
it's not her fault. It's not her fault that um
mental health is something that stigmatized. It's not her fault

(50:23):
that um she doesn't believe in therapy. That's that's not
her fault. That's her generation's fault and the generations, yes,
that came before her. So I don't, by no way,
I don't I don't blame her for not knowing how
to support um. I I forgive myself for thinking that

(50:46):
she did a bad job in supporting me. But UM
also I know that she she did the best that
she could given the type of support she received growing up.
And UM knowing that that's what prompted me to stop
attending the spaces held for white women and their trauma

(51:07):
and to figure out what I can do for our women.
When I first started, it was it was white women
hitting me up left and right and left and right,
and it was mainly because it was two reasons. Two reasons.
White women are armed with a privilege that allows for

(51:28):
them to know that there are spaces out there where
they can go and heal. Their resources available to them. Okay,
way more spaces for them. The second thing is they're
seeing the l A in the title, which is traditionally
a very whitewash discipline, so they're automatically assuming that this

(51:52):
is something that's for them anyway. Now one of UM
and uh, I would have these discussions with them about
how you know, UM, about how I never I never
turned people away, especially you know, survivors who were looking
to heal. But I always emphasized that you know this,

(52:16):
this program is specifically for women of color and those
who identify as women. Um But am I gonna turn
or raise somebody who thinks that they may be able
to benefit from the type and healing the type of
healing service that I offer. Absolutely not, But um I
I did come to find out also that, um the

(52:40):
reason why it was so important to create this space
is because these therapists that have gone to school for
four eight plus years are only able to look at
you a specific way and then diagnose you a specific way.
But when um but nobody is doing any work to

(53:03):
connect with me, even as a therapist who may not
be of color, are you really asking me questions to
figure out what a day like in my skin and
in my shoes it's like, and why this may be
so devastating and why it may be so important for
me to figure out how and I can either create

(53:24):
the space that I need to hear or where I
can go to heal the way that need And that's
why I always tell women, especially when the color like
representation matters. Like my therapist now I did the episode
with her, She's a black woman, mad, cool like she
gives it when I first was introduced to therapy, and
I shared this with my guests. I was recommend this

(53:44):
retails or and it was a part. It was inside
the Trump Tower, So this is the right way I ditalected.
So it was always like riots, is always like protests,
all types of crazy shit. And on top of that,
I was dealing with, you know, still trying to comprehend
the fact and my grandmother transition and she was no
longer hair. As as y'all know, my grandmother was like
a mother to me. So it was just so much

(54:07):
crazy ship going on in that building to the point
where I literally was having an anxiety attack on a
daily basis. So I'm like, you know what, let me
just speak out a therapist. Let me with my assurance
are obviously they don't offer me to be black therapists,
but let me just shoot my shop with this white lady.
I must have broke down to her and was telling
her all stuff that was going on. And I really

(54:27):
do think that this woman was looking at me as
a case study, like she could not comprehend the things
that I was going through, and she could not convey
to me the stuff I needed to take in order
to protect my mental health because I was about to
go fucking crazy. And now with my black therapist, like, y'all,
I love her to death, like she has helped me
in so many ways, but like teaching me how to

(54:47):
do breathing exercises, teaching me how to remind myself like
you're gonna get through this, Like, just like she gave
me so many resources and tools that even if I
know that some ship about the pop off, I know
how to navigate through it calm, you know, yep. One
of the things that I had to teach myself one earth.

(55:09):
So let me just back up a little bit. Um.
One of the first therapists that was assigned to me
while I was in the hospital was a white man.
That's how I knew. That's how I knew that white
privilege was something that, yeah, it was real, and it
really determined the level of treatment you got because there

(55:32):
was absolutely no bedside manner. I am in this position
because of a white man and the first person you
want me to see as a white man to talk
to you about my issues. I remember feeling ignored in
sessions because he would tell me that I needed to

(55:55):
rephrase um my words better so that people would understand
me better, and but there was nothing. Um, you know,
he was not arming me with any type of tools
to go out here and to to start building and
to start reclaiming my life back. And um, I had

(56:17):
to get to a point it I'm just starting in
the last two years, just starting to go back to
therapy because the experience I had was just so yes,
it turned me off, disappointing, it was disgusting. It was
disturbing to know that so even with these resources being

(56:39):
made available or claiming to be made available to me,
I still have to do so much work to get
these people to pay attention to me, or to get
these people that they could interest in understanding me. And
I I was just I was thrown off by the
fact that I would go to therapy and I would

(57:02):
leave feeling worse than what I did when I would
go in there. Girl, same like, I don't find a
new therapist, That's what I was thinking. So like I
just I couldn't deal with it. And it got to
the point where I started having to be my own therapist.
So when my anxiety would be triggered, I would have

(57:23):
to mentally settle myself by allowing myself to play that
scenario out in my head because only one or two
things was gonna happen. It was either gonna go well
or it was either gonna go bad. But if I
allowed myself to go through all of the what if,
what if? What if? What if? What if negatively, I

(57:45):
would also be able to allow myself to go through
all of the what if, what if? What if? What if? Positively.
So I started working on flipping my narrative and instead
of being so concerned with how it may not turn

(58:05):
out well, what could happen if it doesn't work, I
focused on thinking about what happens if it does work out.
What happens if you know this does work in my favor?
What happened is what happens if you know things actually
do go well for me? What happens in that case
changing the narrative, Yes, I had to flip that ship

(58:28):
and so that I could start grounding myself and UM,
but I didn't learn that from somebody who went to
school to learn how to listen to me. Um. One
of the things I love about your story is I
know that UM pen like people played a part and
assisting you within your story out more, which I thought

(58:51):
was just amazing, because we need more black women's supportance
other black women. How did that come about? That's some girl.
Oh you know, I almost didn't answer the phone that
day too. You're gonna start pick on people almost didn't
answer the phone. Um. So what happened was a good
friend of mine, Amanda who um is a photographer from

(59:15):
New York. She uh, she did a photo series um
uh coming to one of the workshops and she got permission,
you know, to to take pictures of some of the
ladies who came to the workshop. And like she she
you know, got a stylved had makeup and all kinds
of stuff. So it was a it was a nice

(59:36):
escape from reality for for women who weren't feeling so
great about themselves to participate in like this day of
glam and they have their pictures taking and um so
my girlfriend she comes down, you know, we have this
great time with her, and um she gets the photos
published about I don't know, six to eight months later,

(59:59):
maybe she reaches out to me and my Amanda is white,
and but she reaches out to me and she's like, hey,
you know one of my my good friends. Um. She
has been basically you know, like, uh, professionally stalking your page,
and she's very interested in the work that you do.

(01:00:19):
I would love to put you guys in touch, and
I said, okay, So I said, all right, that's that's fine,
I guess or whatever. And you know, I did not
during this time, I was still really getting used to
the fact that, um, people, we're so enamored with with
the program with Bell after Dark, that I was getting

(01:00:40):
all of these interviews and getting these features and things
like that like that that wasn't something that was expected.
I was just hoping that, you know, maybe some people
will want to come to these classes. And you know,
I never expected for any type of media outlets or
anything like that to to pick up the work that
I was doing. So um Brittany my the who happens?

(01:01:06):
Who's Amanda's friend who ends up being the director of
the film. She reaches out to me one day through
email and you know, we start some dialogue and she
tells me about this film project and I remember, like
not fully reading the email, and she asked, you know,
if she would be able to call on a certain day,
and I say yeah, And that just happened to be

(01:01:28):
the day that we had our phone call set up.
Was just it was not a good day for me.
I was not feeling my best mentally, and I was
just down. And I remember when she called, I'm just
looking at the phone and I was about to not answer,
but something said, bitch, get it to This was me.

(01:01:49):
I didn't know about Queen Latifa yet, Like I didn't
know where her role was in it, or you know,
I just thought that this was gonna be a project
and that was something that I was used to doing before.
Like they have been students who have reached out who
are working on you know, their thesis and they're studying
movement and dance and they've come across the program and
they want to interview me for that or they want
to have, you know, get a record, like a five

(01:02:12):
or ten minute long video talking about what I do,
UM with the with the program, with our curriculum, and UM.
When I get on the phone with her, she starts,
you know, she's the sweetest thing in the world. And
she starts explaining to me, you know, this project and
basically they had like a deadline of a week to

(01:02:35):
submit it initially. UM, she goes, you know, so you know,
I I make movies. I'm a filmmaker, and you know,
she sent me links to the first film that she did,
and she specialized in films that highlighted black women and
she only really wanted to make films about us. Um.

(01:02:56):
So she sent me a link for her first short
film called Queen that she won a few awards for
and it was just beautiful and um, so she pitched
to me and she said, look, you know, there's this
opportunity um with Queen Latifa to have this film, uh,
to to have a short film a documentary made and
um she was like, you know, I I wanted to

(01:03:18):
speak with you. I think that you would be an
awesome subject. Initially, her pitch for the film was to
have me and Toronto Burke sit and have a conversation
based around sexual salt awareness to me Too movement, UH,
black woman's voices in the fight, lack of resources that rereceived,

(01:03:38):
and things like that. That was the initial pitch. When
she goes Queen Latifa, she starts telling her about me,
and Queen Latifa says, no, she's your story. Let's take
Toronto out of it, focus on this woman. And so
Queen Latifa has been here several times been to Baltimore.
She loves Baltimore. She always supports you know, local busines,

(01:04:00):
US is here when she comes through. And um, when
I had the opportunity to talk to her, she said,
this was so important and so inspiring to me because
not before a black woman doing ballet, but because it's
coming out of Baltimore. We are in you know, the
top ten list for being the most dangerous city and

(01:04:21):
the whole country. And she was like, but you are
developing something that requires such grace and such a gentle
touch and and behavior that I was just shocked to
hear that. You know, it's coming from a black woman
in Baltimore. So she completely um made the focus of

(01:04:43):
the project to me and the work that we were doing.
And UM, so that's how that's how that became. Um,
that's how that happened. I was I'm still shocked. I
am still shocked to this day that I got pictures
with this woman, like we were all duff and stuff
and you know, keep telling me all of these things.

(01:05:03):
And her girlfriend gave me her phone number because her
girlfriend happened to be a dancer in l A too,
And it's just so supportive. And I'm telling you this pandemic.
I am definitely taking a trip to Baltimore. I'm gonna
support you. I know, once this episode goes live, people
are gonna be emailing me more about you. Um like

(01:05:25):
your story is just like so inspirational, Like I can't
even like even when I was watching a story and
I did my research on you, like I was just
so proud, Like you really made me proud, and I
just won't let you know. Your story is and the
things that you've been through has was not in vain
because the lives that you are touching and just like
it's no words that can match that feeling what you're
doing to people. So thank you because I still I

(01:05:49):
still had my moments sometimes when I wake up and
be like, bitch, I'm about to go get a job
because I'm like what am I doing? I'm like, what
want your documentary? Like you know, entrepreneurship is not for
the week, and that ship is lonely because you were
saying how you to assist it? You go drop this
stuff you do the classes you're playing the class like,
it's a lot of work that goes into being a

(01:06:11):
Boston Like I think that people glamorize entrepreneurship. But it's
not easy. Hell no, I you know how long I
was broken to making it happen like I was, I
was broke. And then also a lot of it had
to do with the fact that no black women wanted
to take a chance on me when I first stawed it.

(01:06:32):
You know, they hated the fact that I was using
ballet as the focal tool and not tworking. They hated that,
you know, my classes weren't revolving around pulled and all
ship that I like, I'll go or I love me
a good work session, love it. But they hated the
fact that ballet was not considered fun. They wanted hip hop,

(01:06:53):
they wanted you know, twerking, They want to pull, they
wanted floor dancing and all of this stuff that I
wasn't ready to connect with you. I had to go
through ballet to get to that sex ship. And yet
I had to do it that way in order for
me to get to the point where I am happy
about working, I had to go through all of my
ballet procedural steps to be reminded of the fact that

(01:07:15):
this is a body and this is a personality and
a character that I should be proud up. So I
wasn't willing to relinquish the ballet portion just to appeal
um to our culture more popularly, I wasn't gonna hear that.
And um, it was hard. It was so hard trying
to find a black female entrepreneur who would take a

(01:07:38):
chance on me as far as mentorship went. Um, I
had to make a lot of mistakes before I got
to this point. I lost a lot of money not
knowing how to invest in myself. From me, I lost
a lot. Um. I lost a lot of money, you know,
not knowing that don't matter how good, how you know, genuine,

(01:08:03):
the mission is, there are still gonna be people who
are gonna take advantage of you. And I Um, I
lost a lot of interest from women who were upset
that they didn't think about it first. And but you
don't even like ballet. You don't even like that, l A.

(01:08:25):
But you made right, But you're mad that I thought
the girl who did do the ballet, you man, you
didn't think of it. And so like I, you know,
even when I would go back to even when like
I remember when I first started ballet after dark, it
was different, you know, I was still healing when I
started it, So there were things that I was doing

(01:08:46):
that were considered to be radical that people weren't approving of.
Like I infused a lot of nudity into my photos,
but that wasn't because I wanted to be hot for you.
I needed to be hot for me, and I needed
to be reminded of, you know, the beauty that I had.
I wasn't getting that from looking at myself in the mirror,

(01:09:06):
but I was able to see beauty when I would
see a photo of myself. Um, and I you know,
I got a lot of rejection from women who thought
that I was nasty or that I was wild or
out there because of discomfort they had with their bodies.
It was a lot a lot of people. Um has

(01:09:29):
been given a lot of shame to Lizzo. And I
was talking to somebody, She's a plus size girl, beautiful girl,
and she was talking so bad about Lizzo, and I
was like, does it really bother you or how she's
going about this, or does it bother you because it
reminds you of how you feel about yourself exactly that
you get upset when you watch somebody take on the

(01:09:53):
bravery that you pished you. And that's what was happening
to me. And you know, my way fluctuates like the
goddamn stock market. But through all of these damned bodies,
through all of these damned bodies out in head, I've
done got in front of the camera naked or half naked.
But that was for my healing purposes, so that I

(01:10:18):
could be strong enough to stand in front of women
and children, whoever else who reaches out to me now,
and be able to provide what it is that I provide. Also,
I subconsciously I think that I I wanted to be
um realistic, transparent, um image of what it's like to

(01:10:44):
be a black woman who has had to pick herself
back up, reprocess, rebuild, and proclaim her life. And I
wasn't being and I as and I mean that not
as a celebrity, but as a local as bitch. And
I say at because they're all of these stories of
triumphs from you know, people whose names are strong about

(01:11:08):
media or in the silver you know, lights and all
kinds of ship like that. But what about the teacher
who has overcome ship? What about you know, the hospitality
worker that has overcome ship and has you know, thrived.
I need to hear from the real life people. I
need to right, and that's what I want. I wanted

(01:11:29):
to make sure that these people who were looking at
me and reaching out to me and you know, saying, oh,
you're so strong, You're so this, youal so that I
was not always fucking this way and his proof of it.
And this is what the trajectory of my healing looks like,
because healing is not linear, and I think people forget
that healing is not an A to Z plant. At

(01:11:52):
some points I had I started at A, I got
the D, I came back down the negative, I started
all can't started eight Okay, I started he again. I
get all the way up to TEA. Then I find
myself at negative fucking R. So you know, it's it's
thickly and um. But like even now, even up until

(01:12:15):
last year, I had Instagram videos where I'm sucking crying lines.
I'll sit in the park because I'm stinking ship like
I'm sticking this and I'm still learning seven eight years later,
I'm still learning how to be gentle with myself during
this entire process. There's no guarantee that I'm gonna wake
up one day and I'm going to be a hundred

(01:12:36):
percent all right, I had. I did him. UM an
event a couple of weeks ago for black women called
UM Ocean's Garden down in uh Eastern Shore, Merland, and
while I was I was one of the panelists who
was invited to speak, and UM, one of the young

(01:12:57):
women tearfully at She was like, I don't know. I
don't know what to do to get to a point
to be like you. I look at you and I
see you as someone who has it all together. I
see you as someone who has found their resilience and
now you're completely healed. I told this lady, I said,

(01:13:18):
I am not completely healed, and I definitely, I definitely
do not have all of my fucking ship together. I'm
okay right now. An hour from now, I might not be.
That is not an excuse for me not to feel
proud of the strides that I've made, or to feel
proud about the fact that I got up this morning

(01:13:41):
and I did the work that I was supposed to do.
So ain't no. And then this is something that I
let all of anyone who reaches out to me, ain't no.
In results to what my healing looks like, I'm gonna
be heal until the day I die. Absolutely, and if
it wasn't because of this, it would have been because
of something else. But I am constantly and evolving, work

(01:14:05):
in progress constantly, and I think that that is that's
one of the most important things like that I like
to deliver on is making sure that you know there
is there's a trail, a trail marking you know, my
first moment of me being determined to get my ship together,

(01:14:25):
and then you know, me getting up to where I
am now. I'm still I'm still working on myself. I
still have issues that I have to combat. I still
have intimacy issues that I'm working through, and um, you
know it's it's I still have trust issues. I don't
like none of these niggas all here. I don't like

(01:14:46):
my man one of them, Okay, but like I mean,
I want to be with somebody. But like I think, yeah,
And but not only that, the healing process has made
me recognize what I won't stand for any longer. And
I'm not going to just allow any of these little
niggas to jump up and down inside of me just

(01:15:08):
because that's the option that was presented to me. From
surviving your attack to opening up your first location to
help other women that are survivors and helping them heal
through their trauma by using ballet Um, from partnering with
the City of Baltimore, from your documentary going from the

(01:15:28):
Tribeca Film Festival all the way up to now being
straight a Hulu from Queen Latifa helping you and believing
in you and helping your making your dream your reality.
What is the advice that you would give to our
listeners about turning their pain into purpose. First of all,
the one thing that I always say is you are

(01:15:52):
stronger than you're thinking. You're smarter than you know. So
with that being said, you have to allow for yourself
to to process these feelings and these emotions that you have.
Don't ignore them, don't turn them off, let them fucking flow.
And then once you've done that, remind yourself of things

(01:16:14):
that make you happy, Remind yourself of things that bring
you joy, that lights your heart up, and then start
to reconnect with whatever those things are, whatever that activity is,
whatever that relationship is. Try to reconnect with that so
that you have something to focus on other than your
pain that you're trying to heal from. Um. Also, like

(01:16:39):
some of the things that we focus on in our
workshops are elements of self care, being physical, mental, and spiritual.
When you think about these elements, what are activities that
come to mind? What are resources that come to mind?
Create a workbook, a self care workbook of things that
you recognize in yourself and in your behavior that you

(01:17:03):
want to work on and that you want to heal,
and then take it one day at a time. That's
what I do. Well. If y'all have any questions, comments,
be concerns, you want to be able to go to
my guest space, or if you want to watch your documentary,
please make sure to email me either at Hello at
the Professional Homegirl dot com or Hello at the PhD
podcast dot com. And to my guests, thank you so

(01:17:25):
much for sharing your story. I can't thank you enough.
I know your story is going to continue to inspire people,
and I just cannot wait to see what's next for you.
So until next time, everyone, Later,