July 5, 2021 • 28 mins
Loving people is a lot of things. It’s meaningful. It’s challenging. It’s passionate & and sometimes it’s self-destructive. Today’s episode is on the dangers of being a people pleaser. We all have a desire to love and be loved, but at what point does that love we offer and accept cross the line of what is healthy? Tune in for the FACTS MACHINE y'all!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Prompt Us is a production of I Heart Radio and
now we know that God's what is everyone? Now that
a song is done, we'll take look. Welcome back everyone
to the prompt Us podcast. We're excited to learn with
you guys and grow with you guys today. My name
is Gabriel and I am here with my co host
(00:21):
Chad and Zach. Hey, welcome back, dude. Honestly, in the
YouTube version and the YouTube version, it should just be
on child the whole time. Oh please don't with my voice.
Oh my gosh, what's up? Boys? How you feeling? Chat?
How you feeling? You're looking? Cur I feel great? Do it?
Do it? Do it? Do it? Uh? You guys are
(00:42):
my mom was a cheerleading coach. Okay, that's a cheerly
mean thing. Oh you can't make fun of me for
not veggie tails if you don't know that because you're
home schools. God bless it. Hey, all right, guys, today's prompt.
Pretty excited for it. It's actually in an on amous prompt,
which is cool. Shadon doing that. We don't have to
(01:03):
let us know your name, but it is fun to
call people's names out. So if you would like to
get your name called out, or you just want us
to answer your prompt. You your head to the prompt
ut website to submit your own problems. Prompt ut podcast
dot com forward slash shop by merchant, No, no, we
don't have that yet. But prompt ust podcast dot com
sure we were releasing T shirts or yes, anyway, that's
a future conversation. That's a good one. That's a future
(01:25):
podcast conversation. But yeah, make sure you leave your problems say,
and we will answer them and respond to them on
the podcast, which is what we're doing right now. So
today's prompt is anonymous. But this is a good problem.
This is a tricky one. Boys. Um, actually I don't
have it written down. Dude. I imagine Zack right now?
Is I imagine Zach saying this. Today's prompt was submitted
(01:46):
by Zack Zanes and it says, when are you releasing merge?
Oh my gosh, dude, Sorry, I didn't have this prompt
was submitted I mad Chasters And he says, and he's
(02:06):
asking when we're releasing all the good birch Old Cabriel Gunty. Alright, anyway,
let me actually ask them prompt. This prompt is good.
So how to stop being a people pleaser. How do
you stop being a people pleaser? Boys? You just flipping
do it? It's in my Nature's all. That's good. That's good. Chat.
(02:34):
Do you want to kick us off with some how
many tips you got for us this week? That's the
real question I got. I got two tips? Okay, okay, yeah,
I got two tips. The second one first, I'll started
the second one. You should probably you should probably get
that chat by doctor or something. Oh my gosh, listen.
I was always told I was special. I didn't understand
(02:54):
why until I went to the locker room in sixth grade.
I realized I was different. Okay, okay, okay, what are
your tips? Wait? Should I actually start with tip two
or shock out to tip one? Tip two is stop
hearing what people have been, stop carrying what people think,
(03:18):
just jump completely. So that's good. That's good break down
for breakdown. Okay. So there's this amazing book that I
encourage everyone to read. It's called Boundaries. It's by these
two amazing authors. I think it's John Townsend and Henry Cloud.
I believe I'm probably butchering that, but look at look
up the book, and I remember as I was reading
(03:39):
that book literally like it was like page seven. It
was like the first chapter of the book. I I
got like warm reading the book because of how convicted
I got with the lesson that was being taught. Where
the book basically said, if you're only loving people and
serving people and pleasing people is what I'm basically saying,
If you're only doing that to appear loving, to appear
(04:03):
serving like a servant, to appear like you're pleasing them,
you're actually just pleasing your own ego. You're you're not
doing it for them, You're doing it for yourself. And
that's really selfish because it's for yourself, and you really
need to check yourself chat is basically what I read
in that in that book, I'm like, WHOA, because I
realized that I was almost in a I was, in
(04:23):
a sense almost like putting this banner on, like Wow,
I'm so selfless by always trying to please other people,
by by diminishing my needs and taking care of their needs.
But what I was actually doing was just trying to
appear like a martyr. I I wanted to appear that way.
I wanted to appear loving, and so because basically that
(04:46):
question came into mind, which is if am I doing
this out of love or to be loved? And I
noticed that I was doing this to be loved by people,
and I thought if I just served people, then I
would receive or admiration, affection and appreciation. Yeah, dude, that
I feel like I mentioned something said, well, not something similar,
(05:09):
but it reminded me. You speaking of that reminded me of, Well,
it's it's just something like I've been dealing with in
my approach to people and dealing with I kind of
went into our last podcast too with like me dealing
with depression and like needing to be around people, and like,
(05:31):
am I using people to help me cope? Or am I?
You know, like what what is my relationship with socializing?
If that makes sense? And I got to a point
where I'm like, I need to stop seeing what I
can get from people when I socialized, but I need
to get to a point where I'm just loving them
(05:54):
as best as I can, like Jesus would love them.
There's from from a point like Jesus is inside of me,
m hm. And because of that, I'm going to spread
that with other people and learn how to best love
them rather than see what I can get from semple
with my with my relationships and stuff. You know that
(06:14):
it reminds me of something called relational equity. Have you
heard of that before, Chad relational equity? I haven't, um
Pastor Ryan shout out, but Pastor I was talking to
me about this, and it's the idea that, like this
study is based around relational equity, which is um what
it's a It's about finding balance and what you seek
from each other. Because when you invest into something, you
(06:36):
have equity. So you've got to start seeing those relationships
you have with people as investments and yes, you want
to return, but you have to put a lot in
as well. So it's this idea that like you actually
have equity in the people around you and the time
you spend investing. It's really cool idea, but it just
reminded me of that. I just wanted we could put
a name to it. So you equally need to be
investing into people that are investing back into you and
(06:59):
having like an equal equity there. Yeah, and and like
there's kind of ideas abount like not feeling guilty, Like
if I put a lot into you, I shouldn't feel
guilty if you put a lot back into me because
I think sometimes I am like that. I'm like, oh,
you know, help him gave out with this thing. And
then you're like, hey, bro, let me even just simply
let me pay for lunch. I'm like, no, no, bro, no,
like I don't but to you, you don't even think
(07:20):
about that. You're just going here, I just want to
pay for lunch, right, And so it's kind of from
both ends of the spectrum to remind you, hey, you
have to invest into someone, but also it's okay to
there's a there is I guess I returned out of
for lack of a better but but I and I agree,
which was something I was about to preface to. But
it is not your job, that's right to demand the
(07:44):
return from someone. That's exactly right. It's it's your job
is to offer, just like you can't. You can't just
go I want to return now, you know what I'm saying,
Like you have to. It's part of that process. Yeah,
So it's a it's a given take. It's like I
don't know, you say, like I say a lot of
times in a relationship, like you can't demand out of
(08:07):
your significant other what you want from them, Like when
seeking a friend, who's going to be like a really
close friend like you guys. I know, I don't have
to worry about trying to get what I need from
you guys and a friend Like that's why you guys
are my best friends, because like I know, as much
(08:28):
as I'm you know, trying to feed feed into you
guys to quarantee you guys, there we go. And I
know as much as I'm trying to parant to you guys,
you guys are actively doing the same thing back to me.
And it's like a mutual relational equity. Baby. So I
just thought that was an interesting concept because I think Chad,
you reminded me of it when you when you have
(08:49):
people pleasing someone, it's not about finding balance necessarily, And
I love that you mentioned like it's not about what
they can do for you. But if you're doing a
lot for somebody, you know, you're trying to please a
group of people, are a person, it's it can't be
a surprise that it starts feeling uncomfortable. Eventually, Well, that
starts feeling I guess unstable. I guess balance is good.
I think I'm trying to step away from just being
(09:09):
brutal about it. But I think a relationship, friendship is
always about that balance. And so the moment your people
pleasing within a friendship, you're actually signed to outweight, like
it's it's going on balance, I guess yeah no. And
and an unbalanced relationship is an unhealthy relationship. Have you
guys heard of like there's like four different types of love.
Have you heard about that, you know, like where there's
(09:30):
a they yeah, you're basically nailed the second I can't fancy,
right if if you ever research the four types of love,
the first one is a got pay, which is just
totally unconditional love, right, And then the second one is fileo, right,
which is like friendship love, which is like I'll scratch
(09:51):
your back, you scratch my back, right, where there's almost
like reciprocity involved, which is what you guys are talking
about right now, which is almost like a contract. We're saying,
I'm committing city chat out here with the big words
like word let me let me look this up to
find rested prosody. Welcome to school, dude? Are you ready
(10:12):
for this game? All right? What's the third one? What?
What wascity? Wait? Hold on, I didn't read the definition.
What the heck, the practice for teaching me how to
pronounce it chat the practice of exchanging things with others
for mutual benefit, especially privileges granted by one country or
(10:33):
another organization. I guess as to your countries, but anyways,
where there's almost like second relational equity, relational equity, and
so I do think that that's important because even in
marriage or friendships, or you know, really even in like
a working relationship, if one person is doing all the work,
it's not going to work right. It's it's almost like
(10:54):
being equally yoked, you know, in terms of how A
lot of people think that that's such a weird term,
but Gabe explained it to us on an earlier episode.
I'm not gonna tell you which one. You have to
go listen to all the episodes to hear it, but basically,
what would happen is whenever those two ox were pulling
the yoke, which is around their neck and shoulders, and
one of them was stronger than the other, the other
(11:15):
one wasn't pulling as hard, it would pull his neck
in a certain way where it would actually break the
ox's neck right, and so it was dangerous to be
unequally yoked. It was dangerous to be attaching yourself to
people who aren't going the same place and with the
same speed that you are. And so when it comes
to people pleasing, you know, I guess to bring that
back around is when we look at our friends, it
(11:36):
is important to serve our friends, right, It's important to
serve our spouses. This is it's important to serve our community. Yeah,
And I wanted to jump in there with like, I
don't think people pleasing is inherently just like a bad thing,
Like it's all like, why are you people pleasing it?
It stems from a good desire that you have to
(11:59):
do it for other people. But literally right here, I
haven't in my notes are you hurting people? Are bettering
people by being a people please like like are you
being an enabler? Are you being a people pleaser by
someone wants something so bad, Like say they're an alcoholic
and they just want alcohol so bad? Are you like
(12:22):
find I'll give in because you just want them to
quote unquote be happy, So you like give them the
money to fund their alcoholism, or you give them the
alcohol to like help them being in it, you know
what I mean? Like that, like, yes, you are being
a people pleaser by giving into it, and maybe you
are making them momentarily happy because now they have what
(12:42):
they want, But you're hurting that person in the long uness,
so like are you hurting someone or bettering something? It
makes so much sense. It's almost like you're saying, are
you add into that person's life? And just like we
are adding this ad. I really thought gave games like
(13:08):
just in just in case you didn't get that. I
wanted it to keep going, and we just kept using
the word in the sentence, just like a minute of like, oh,
let me add to that guy's anyway chat. I think
he wanted to add to what we were saying before
the AD. Yes, yes, I just keep it going. Oh
(13:31):
my word, um No, I do love what you're saying
because it really is I guess the heart posture around it.
And I think I think it's really important for us
to know do we have any like natural tendencies of manipulation?
I know that sounds like super deep and weird, like
not many people think that they're a manipulator, right, That's
like no one wants to be called that. People aren't
(13:52):
walking around be like oh yeah, I'm manipulae I I
love to manipulate people like look at me, you you know,
but think about like a child. You know, you you
take their toy, they start screaming, what do you do?
You give the toy back? They're they're they're learning ways
of manipulation from a very young age and we we
all learned it. And exactly what game was just saying
(14:14):
what happens when you give the toy back to the child?
They start to develop these bad habits and you're enabling
their behavior. And so it is so important for us
to be able to tell like, Okay, is what I'm
doing to support this person, is it actually helping them?
Or is it hurting them? Because if we look at
the longevity of it, we could be really hurting someone
with our actions and the way we go to serve them.
(14:35):
I think you're spot on. Game. Yeah, hey, I want
to know, do you have an example? Game? And we
can go around if if you want, but do you
have an example? I want to know? Sorry, of where
you felt like in hindsight you look back and be like, oh, yeah,
I was people pleasing. I don't I don't really struggle
(14:58):
that bad with people pleasing. Yeah, I would say your
strength is you don't please. Yeah, Like, and I've gotten
even better at really saying no to things, and just like, well,
we'll unpack that margin you need to uneasy to unpacked
creating boundaries. Shout out to the beginning of this episode,
So unpacked that for us, though, how did you get
(15:19):
to a place where you knew you needed to say no?
And then how have you gotten better at saying no? Um?
Because I knew I was. I mean really, I think
it stems from, like Jess and I do a lot
of work together, both of us saying yes to more things,
not even more than we had band with four because
like maybe we had the bandwidth to to do them,
(15:40):
but things that were essentialism book non essential that we
didn't need to do and really, yeah, just for non
essential things was adding stress to our lives, adding um
tension in our relationship. And I want to add a
third little tip there, because things pair nicely and three
(16:03):
pair nicely and threes Wow, really gotta voc out here.
But anyway, you know what I'm saying, Like there were
things where like maybe they weren't even negative, you know,
on the people pleasing scale that we're making, Like maybe
it wasn't actually hurting other people. But in the long run,
maybe it was just adding slightly just a little bit
(16:24):
more tension and justinized relationship, and a little bit more
tension in our work environment, and just a little more
stress and a little more strain, and all those little
things over time are going to add up and add up.
And now Just and I are really in the process of,
you know, taking taking things away and making our burden lighter.
(16:44):
I guess not that you know the work as a
burden and people are burden, but you know what I'm saying, Like,
it's easy to say yes to a lot of stuff,
even just to please yourself, to be like, oh, because
we know we can get paid, we can do this,
or that will allow us to do this next pot
And it's like it's easy just to take it along
and suddenly like that you do have a burden, a
weight when your shoulder. Boys, Yeah, I think it's so
easy for even good things like blessings to become burdens
(17:05):
if we have too much of them. It's almost like
think of like Thanksgiving. I don't know what country you're from,
wherever you're listening, but you know, in the States, we
have this thing called Thanksgiving, or think of just like
a big family dinner right where you have your one
small plate and everyone brought a dish. Right, You're like,
how much food can I fit on this dish? Right?
And then you start putting too much and then guess what,
the integrity of the plate breaks, right because you have
(17:29):
paper plates because we're from the south, right, and then
we lose everything. So all the good things that we
were excited about, like all the good things turned too
a bad thing is now we don't get any of it.
And so I think, Gabes, I think you spot on
with how he's starting to recognize all that that it
wasn't essential, it wasn't important. So I don't want to
rewind too far back. But you know where I was
(17:50):
mentioning the whole manipulation thing about how children like their
scream and whatever to get their way. I think it's
important to know that we as we grow up, we
we learn really creative ways to be even more manipulating
right where we well, I also want to add to
what you're saying before you jump into this, just so
like people are in the right mind space with what
(18:11):
you're about to say. We all are manipulators. On some level. Yeah,
like it's to be like, oh no, I don't manipulate,
like you're okay, you're also a liar to we are
all manipulators. Yeah, sorry, I just had that. I had
to throw some so like on on some capacity, like
(18:33):
we're all sinners, like there's no sin that's uncommon to man.
Shout out the Bible, Um, the Bible. Sorry, fans, shout
the number one in the world. Let's go number one
seller Jesus. Anyway, what was I even saying? You're talking
(18:55):
about how we all struggle with the capacity to manipulate. Yes, yes,
so being aware that going into what Chad was about
to say, just knowing that you have that in you,
Chad masters everybody. Yeah, no, I think that's exactly what's
gonna say, is we find more and more creative ways
to even disguise it from ourself. Right where it's almost like, um,
(19:16):
it's almost like a knee jerk reaction where you know,
if you're driving down the road and then something runs
out in front of you, what do you do? You
immediately swerve or some on the brakes, like you didn't
think to yourself, Oh, there was a sudden thing that
ran out in front of me, and I had point
zero zero two seconds to decide what I want to do. No,
you reacted that way. That's what that's what your your
(19:37):
fight or flight mechanisms told you what to do subconsciously.
And so we have things inside of us that subconsciously
tell us how to act whenever we're not getting our way,
and it really is you know, that stuff really comes
into play. And so, like what we mentioned at the
beginning of this podcast, if if our if our deepest
desire is to is to is too known to be known,
(19:59):
we will go to extreme links to make that happen.
If that means that we will we will jeopardize our
own health, our own mental health, our own responsibilities to
be with somebody or to you know, it's like how
many people lower their standards to get into a relationship.
They can't find someone that they're interested in, and then
guess what their standards do this They go a little
(20:20):
bit lower. Oh well, he only talked to me that
way once. A little bit lower. Oh well, it's he's
just texting those girls, not a big deal. A little
bit lower, you know, and that's what you start to
lower your standards just to feel connected. To people and
so that that can be what we do whenever we
start to um start to people please in a way
(20:40):
to receive. And so I really do think gabeheaded grand
slam with what he was talking about. All as you
say that, just give me two seconds one Mississippi to Mississippi. Okay,
go ahead. You know what I was gonna say is
and we've talked about it before, but where are you
looking for love? Yeah? And that if you're looking for love,
(21:02):
I don't know. I mean we've told that's a whole
different part. We went into depth on a whole different podcast.
But with what you're saying, like there our holes in
your heart that can only be filled by God? Yep,
Like are you trying to fill them with other people?
And just find all that? You know, like you're you're
like kind of selfishly trying to fill up these holes
(21:24):
in your heart with whether it's people or whatever it is.
You know, I think people pleasing a sense as a
by product of that. Yeah, yeahduct yeah, like when you're
peeling back layer by layer and where is the foundation?
Because and then but I just want you to know
that it's okay to go that deep on this because
this is that deep of a topic, right, This is
this is not something where we just brush over where yes,
(21:46):
there are seasons in our life where say we moved
to a new city and we will go out of
our way to start to meet new people and we'll like,
you know, sacrifice more in order to have more I
guess opportunity or whatever. And like that's like an one
thing to do where if you're in a new city
and you don't have any friends, yes, if someone asks
you if you if you like this crappy movie, you
(22:08):
might say yeah, because you just want to connect with people.
And so you know, I do love the super super
deep side, which is what we're talking about. But also
the other side is there does come a time where
we we do see an opportunity to connect with people
and we may go above and beyond to have those connections. Um,
(22:28):
but I think what's really important is to make sure like,
and this is a totally different conversation, are you all cool?
If I kind of turn it around a little bit, Yeah,
But I mean I think what you were just saying
there was similar to what we were saying before, like
are you hurting people? Are are you bettering people? Like
in that situation, you're trying to like make new friends,
(22:49):
and you know what I mean, Like that's not hurting
now exactly. Hopefully you're a great friend to them, exactly,
bettering their life by becoming their friend. So so now
let's let's anyway not now flip it around. Let's spend
this thing and drop it on its head. Okay, are
is what you're doing bettering yourself or hurting yourself? And
so I think it's really important for us to take
time to think about that where like, Okay, yes, now
(23:12):
I'm thinking about the other person, but now I'm also
gonna be thinking about myself. Where if you think about
the whole airplane analogy, you guys know this where you're
on airplane, they say the oxygen masks dropped down. What
do they tell you to do? They say, Hey, put
the mask on yourself first before you put on those
around you. Well, I do know that some of us
can just become self sabotages because we're afraid of of
(23:34):
you know, there's people that are afraid of success. You
know that there's people that can be afraid of a
healthy relationship. You know, there's the people that can be
afraid of something. So they start to self sabotage what's
going on in their own life by completely just say
no to taking care of themselves and just offering to
help other people in their own dreams and their own
callings that they missed their own thing. And that's something
(23:57):
that that we can do. Someone us don't even think
we're worthy to to experience like love and and and
fulfillment in a calling and stuff like that. And I
think that we should think about, Okay, is what I'm
doing gonna gonna help me as a person or is
it going to hurt me as a person, Because again,
if you don't put that mask on yourself, you're going
to run out of oxygen. Does that make sense? Yeah? No, No,
(24:20):
that that does make sense because like if you not,
if you haven't got got it together. But like in
the oxygen scenario, if you haven't put the mask on yourself,
you're not going to be able. Like if you're putting
the mask on someone else before yourself, you could both
pass out or I don't, I don't even know, like
what happens in that SI Is it just like yeah,
(24:40):
but like your head explodes, you know what I mean?
You could both end up passing out, Yeah, where you
need to put it on yourself so then you can
help other people. But that's that's an important thing to note,
is that you put it on yourself first, so you
can't help other here, oh my god, but you don't
put it on yourself firstly like sick and just sit
there you're like, you know you it's they actually say
(25:03):
put on yourself first so you can then help other
people in the instructions. And I think that's where sometimes
that you can go the other way where we you know.
And it's again, it's all about find that balance, relational equity.
I said it once and I'll say, but I just
think you know that's I mean, for example, I one
of the things I struggled with people pleasing was saying
yes to the heaps of church things. And if you
(25:23):
grew up in church and you've done church for a while,
it's easy because you want to be part of the
community that's hanging out. You want to be involved in
the kingdom and the mission and stuff. But what happens
when you burn out, and that's what happened, like you
burn out and then you're not involved at all. And
it's always about that balance. I would rather be maybe
I'd rather lower my capacity but serve fullheartedly in that
(25:46):
in that space, then burn out and not serve at all,
you know. And I think that's where that you know,
face mask thing comes in. It's like, I put it
on so I can help. I put it on. I
take time for myself so I can help others. I
you know, I spend time with my wife, so I'm
fulfilled that for the next day to be with work
people or whatever it may be. And I'm just saying
it's all about that, yeah, finding the wine and then
(26:07):
finding the balance of that, you know. Yeah, I know
there was a little awkward silence for everyone listening, so
you know, in order to get past that quickly, we'll
just play this add real quick and then jump into
it again. I love you both, um. I guess as
we start to close, I think there was something that
really like came my heart during that at break, was
(26:30):
I do know that I do know that as Christians,
you know, all three of us, it's easy for us
to fall into that belief that, oh, because I'm a Christian,
I need to sacrifice myself for other people. And I
want to talk about that for a quick sec because
you know, I think it's a delicate topic, and they
(26:52):
do talk about it in that book we mentioned earlier
called boundaries right where. I think it's important to know
that we serve God and not man, and whenever we
go to serve man, we may be serving uh something
in their life that isn't from God, and we have
to be able to spend time with God to discern
what it is we're doing, because the Bible clearly talks
(27:13):
about um times where we are not here like two
for the approval of man. I mean, like, I don't
know if anyone has notes out, but Galatians won ten
prop first Essalonians to four Romans twelve one Psalm verse
eight second time. I mean, the list goes on and
on and on, right. I was just reading that off
my phone. By the way, I'm not like, I'm not
(27:33):
that guy, but it's really it's really like a half
that guy though. No. I think it's important for us
to know that to a certain extent, yes, we are
there to to love and serve people, but that is
not does not come at your own destruction, and you
need to be able to discern the God in your
life and spend time with God to make sure that
(27:55):
as you do go to serve people, and you go
because we do have that desire to enterently like least people.
We're not We're not We're not doing it for their
acceptance and approval, because that's where you're get in a
dangerous spot and it ends up hurting you and ends
up hurting them. Thank you guys so much for tuning
into this episode of prompt Us, and remember you can
follow us at prompt us podcast on Instagram. That's our
(28:16):
handle app prompt this podcast, and that is where you
can submit prompts that will be topics that we discussed
in future episodes. Appreciate you guys, tons, and we'll talk
again in the next one. From us is a production
of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from iHeart Radio,
visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you
get your podcasts.
Prompt Us is a production of I Heart Radio and
now we know that God's what is everyone? Now that
a song is done, we'll take look. Welcome back everyone
to the prompt Us podcast. We're excited to learn with
you guys and grow with you guys today. My name
is Gabriel and I am here with my co host
(00:21):
Chad and Zach. Hey, welcome back, dude. Honestly, in the
YouTube version and the YouTube version, it should just be
on child the whole time. Oh please don't with my voice.
Oh my gosh, what's up? Boys? How you feeling? Chat?
How you feeling? You're looking? Cur I feel great? Do it?
Do it? Do it? Do it? Uh? You guys are
(00:42):
my mom was a cheerleading coach. Okay, that's a cheerly
mean thing. Oh you can't make fun of me for
not veggie tails if you don't know that because you're
home schools. God bless it. Hey, all right, guys, today's prompt.
Pretty excited for it. It's actually in an on amous prompt,
which is cool. Shadon doing that. We don't have to
(01:03):
let us know your name, but it is fun to
call people's names out. So if you would like to
get your name called out, or you just want us
to answer your prompt. You your head to the prompt
ut website to submit your own problems. Prompt ut podcast
dot com forward slash shop by merchant, No, no, we
don't have that yet. But prompt ust podcast dot com
sure we were releasing T shirts or yes, anyway, that's
a future conversation. That's a good one. That's a future
(01:25):
podcast conversation. But yeah, make sure you leave your problems say,
and we will answer them and respond to them on
the podcast, which is what we're doing right now. So
today's prompt is anonymous. But this is a good problem.
This is a tricky one. Boys. Um, actually I don't
have it written down. Dude. I imagine Zack right now?
Is I imagine Zach saying this. Today's prompt was submitted
(01:46):
by Zack Zanes and it says, when are you releasing merge?
Oh my gosh, dude, Sorry, I didn't have this prompt
was submitted I mad Chasters And he says, and he's
(02:06):
asking when we're releasing all the good birch Old Cabriel Gunty. Alright, anyway,
let me actually ask them prompt. This prompt is good.
So how to stop being a people pleaser. How do
you stop being a people pleaser? Boys? You just flipping
do it? It's in my Nature's all. That's good. That's good. Chat.
(02:34):
Do you want to kick us off with some how
many tips you got for us this week? That's the
real question I got. I got two tips? Okay, okay, yeah,
I got two tips. The second one first, I'll started
the second one. You should probably you should probably get
that chat by doctor or something. Oh my gosh, listen.
I was always told I was special. I didn't understand
(02:54):
why until I went to the locker room in sixth grade.
I realized I was different. Okay, okay, okay, what are
your tips? Wait? Should I actually start with tip two
or shock out to tip one? Tip two is stop
hearing what people have been, stop carrying what people think,
(03:18):
just jump completely. So that's good. That's good break down
for breakdown. Okay. So there's this amazing book that I
encourage everyone to read. It's called Boundaries. It's by these
two amazing authors. I think it's John Townsend and Henry Cloud.
I believe I'm probably butchering that, but look at look
up the book, and I remember as I was reading
(03:39):
that book literally like it was like page seven. It
was like the first chapter of the book. I I
got like warm reading the book because of how convicted
I got with the lesson that was being taught. Where
the book basically said, if you're only loving people and
serving people and pleasing people is what I'm basically saying,
If you're only doing that to appear loving, to appear
(04:03):
serving like a servant, to appear like you're pleasing them,
you're actually just pleasing your own ego. You're you're not
doing it for them, You're doing it for yourself. And
that's really selfish because it's for yourself, and you really
need to check yourself chat is basically what I read
in that in that book, I'm like, WHOA, because I
realized that I was almost in a I was, in
(04:23):
a sense almost like putting this banner on, like Wow,
I'm so selfless by always trying to please other people,
by by diminishing my needs and taking care of their needs.
But what I was actually doing was just trying to
appear like a martyr. I I wanted to appear that way.
I wanted to appear loving, and so because basically that
(04:46):
question came into mind, which is if am I doing
this out of love or to be loved? And I
noticed that I was doing this to be loved by people,
and I thought if I just served people, then I
would receive or admiration, affection and appreciation. Yeah, dude, that
I feel like I mentioned something said, well, not something similar,
(05:09):
but it reminded me. You speaking of that reminded me of, Well,
it's it's just something like I've been dealing with in
my approach to people and dealing with I kind of
went into our last podcast too with like me dealing
with depression and like needing to be around people, and like,
(05:31):
am I using people to help me cope? Or am I?
You know, like what what is my relationship with socializing?
If that makes sense? And I got to a point
where I'm like, I need to stop seeing what I
can get from people when I socialized, but I need
to get to a point where I'm just loving them
(05:54):
as best as I can, like Jesus would love them.
There's from from a point like Jesus is inside of me,
m hm. And because of that, I'm going to spread
that with other people and learn how to best love
them rather than see what I can get from semple
with my with my relationships and stuff. You know that
(06:14):
it reminds me of something called relational equity. Have you
heard of that before, Chad relational equity? I haven't, um
Pastor Ryan shout out, but Pastor I was talking to
me about this, and it's the idea that, like this
study is based around relational equity, which is um what
it's a It's about finding balance and what you seek
from each other. Because when you invest into something, you
(06:36):
have equity. So you've got to start seeing those relationships
you have with people as investments and yes, you want
to return, but you have to put a lot in
as well. So it's this idea that like you actually
have equity in the people around you and the time
you spend investing. It's really cool idea, but it just
reminded me of that. I just wanted we could put
a name to it. So you equally need to be
investing into people that are investing back into you and
(06:59):
having like an equal equity there. Yeah, and and like
there's kind of ideas abount like not feeling guilty, Like
if I put a lot into you, I shouldn't feel
guilty if you put a lot back into me because
I think sometimes I am like that. I'm like, oh,
you know, help him gave out with this thing. And
then you're like, hey, bro, let me even just simply
let me pay for lunch. I'm like, no, no, bro, no,
like I don't but to you, you don't even think
(07:20):
about that. You're just going here, I just want to
pay for lunch, right, And so it's kind of from
both ends of the spectrum to remind you, hey, you
have to invest into someone, but also it's okay to
there's a there is I guess I returned out of
for lack of a better but but I and I agree,
which was something I was about to preface to. But
it is not your job, that's right to demand the
(07:44):
return from someone. That's exactly right. It's it's your job
is to offer, just like you can't. You can't just
go I want to return now, you know what I'm saying,
Like you have to. It's part of that process. Yeah,
So it's a it's a given take. It's like I
don't know, you say, like I say a lot of
times in a relationship, like you can't demand out of
(08:07):
your significant other what you want from them, Like when
seeking a friend, who's going to be like a really
close friend like you guys. I know, I don't have
to worry about trying to get what I need from
you guys and a friend Like that's why you guys
are my best friends, because like I know, as much
(08:28):
as I'm you know, trying to feed feed into you
guys to quarantee you guys, there we go. And I
know as much as I'm trying to parant to you guys,
you guys are actively doing the same thing back to me.
And it's like a mutual relational equity. Baby. So I
just thought that was an interesting concept because I think Chad,
you reminded me of it when you when you have
(08:49):
people pleasing someone, it's not about finding balance necessarily, And
I love that you mentioned like it's not about what
they can do for you. But if you're doing a
lot for somebody, you know, you're trying to please a
group of people, are a person, it's it can't be
a surprise that it starts feeling uncomfortable. Eventually, Well, that
starts feeling I guess unstable. I guess balance is good.
I think I'm trying to step away from just being
(09:09):
brutal about it. But I think a relationship, friendship is
always about that balance. And so the moment your people
pleasing within a friendship, you're actually signed to outweight, like
it's it's going on balance, I guess yeah no. And
and an unbalanced relationship is an unhealthy relationship. Have you
guys heard of like there's like four different types of love.
Have you heard about that, you know, like where there's
(09:30):
a they yeah, you're basically nailed the second I can't fancy,
right if if you ever research the four types of love,
the first one is a got pay, which is just
totally unconditional love, right, And then the second one is fileo, right,
which is like friendship love, which is like I'll scratch
(09:51):
your back, you scratch my back, right, where there's almost
like reciprocity involved, which is what you guys are talking
about right now, which is almost like a contract. We're saying,
I'm committing city chat out here with the big words
like word let me let me look this up to
find rested prosody. Welcome to school, dude? Are you ready
(10:12):
for this game? All right? What's the third one? What?
What wascity? Wait? Hold on, I didn't read the definition.
What the heck, the practice for teaching me how to
pronounce it chat the practice of exchanging things with others
for mutual benefit, especially privileges granted by one country or
(10:33):
another organization. I guess as to your countries, but anyways,
where there's almost like second relational equity, relational equity, and
so I do think that that's important because even in
marriage or friendships, or you know, really even in like
a working relationship, if one person is doing all the work,
it's not going to work right. It's it's almost like
(10:54):
being equally yoked, you know, in terms of how A
lot of people think that that's such a weird term,
but Gabe explained it to us on an earlier episode.
I'm not gonna tell you which one. You have to
go listen to all the episodes to hear it, but basically,
what would happen is whenever those two ox were pulling
the yoke, which is around their neck and shoulders, and
one of them was stronger than the other, the other
(11:15):
one wasn't pulling as hard, it would pull his neck
in a certain way where it would actually break the
ox's neck right, and so it was dangerous to be
unequally yoked. It was dangerous to be attaching yourself to
people who aren't going the same place and with the
same speed that you are. And so when it comes
to people pleasing, you know, I guess to bring that
back around is when we look at our friends, it
(11:36):
is important to serve our friends, right, It's important to
serve our spouses. This is it's important to serve our community. Yeah,
And I wanted to jump in there with like, I
don't think people pleasing is inherently just like a bad thing,
Like it's all like, why are you people pleasing it?
It stems from a good desire that you have to
(11:59):
do it for other people. But literally right here, I
haven't in my notes are you hurting people? Are bettering
people by being a people please like like are you
being an enabler? Are you being a people pleaser by
someone wants something so bad, Like say they're an alcoholic
and they just want alcohol so bad? Are you like
(12:22):
find I'll give in because you just want them to
quote unquote be happy, So you like give them the
money to fund their alcoholism, or you give them the
alcohol to like help them being in it, you know
what I mean? Like that, like, yes, you are being
a people pleaser by giving into it, and maybe you
are making them momentarily happy because now they have what
(12:42):
they want, But you're hurting that person in the long uness,
so like are you hurting someone or bettering something? It
makes so much sense. It's almost like you're saying, are
you add into that person's life? And just like we
are adding this ad. I really thought gave games like
(13:08):
just in just in case you didn't get that. I
wanted it to keep going, and we just kept using
the word in the sentence, just like a minute of like, oh,
let me add to that guy's anyway chat. I think
he wanted to add to what we were saying before
the AD. Yes, yes, I just keep it going. Oh
(13:31):
my word, um No, I do love what you're saying
because it really is I guess the heart posture around it.
And I think I think it's really important for us
to know do we have any like natural tendencies of manipulation?
I know that sounds like super deep and weird, like
not many people think that they're a manipulator, right, That's
like no one wants to be called that. People aren't
(13:52):
walking around be like oh yeah, I'm manipulae I I
love to manipulate people like look at me, you you know,
but think about like a child. You know, you you
take their toy, they start screaming, what do you do?
You give the toy back? They're they're they're learning ways
of manipulation from a very young age and we we
all learned it. And exactly what game was just saying
(14:14):
what happens when you give the toy back to the child?
They start to develop these bad habits and you're enabling
their behavior. And so it is so important for us
to be able to tell like, Okay, is what I'm
doing to support this person, is it actually helping them?
Or is it hurting them? Because if we look at
the longevity of it, we could be really hurting someone
with our actions and the way we go to serve them.
(14:35):
I think you're spot on. Game. Yeah, hey, I want
to know, do you have an example? Game? And we
can go around if if you want, but do you
have an example? I want to know? Sorry, of where
you felt like in hindsight you look back and be like, oh, yeah,
I was people pleasing. I don't I don't really struggle
(14:58):
that bad with people pleasing. Yeah, I would say your
strength is you don't please. Yeah, Like, and I've gotten
even better at really saying no to things, and just like, well,
we'll unpack that margin you need to uneasy to unpacked
creating boundaries. Shout out to the beginning of this episode,
So unpacked that for us, though, how did you get
(15:19):
to a place where you knew you needed to say no?
And then how have you gotten better at saying no? Um?
Because I knew I was. I mean really, I think
it stems from, like Jess and I do a lot
of work together, both of us saying yes to more things,
not even more than we had band with four because
like maybe we had the bandwidth to to do them,
(15:40):
but things that were essentialism book non essential that we
didn't need to do and really, yeah, just for non
essential things was adding stress to our lives, adding um
tension in our relationship. And I want to add a
third little tip there, because things pair nicely and three
(16:03):
pair nicely and threes Wow, really gotta voc out here.
But anyway, you know what I'm saying, Like there were
things where like maybe they weren't even negative, you know,
on the people pleasing scale that we're making, Like maybe
it wasn't actually hurting other people. But in the long run,
maybe it was just adding slightly just a little bit
(16:24):
more tension and justinized relationship, and a little bit more
tension in our work environment, and just a little more
stress and a little more strain, and all those little
things over time are going to add up and add up.
And now Just and I are really in the process of,
you know, taking taking things away and making our burden lighter.
(16:44):
I guess not that you know the work as a
burden and people are burden, but you know what I'm saying, Like,
it's easy to say yes to a lot of stuff,
even just to please yourself, to be like, oh, because
we know we can get paid, we can do this,
or that will allow us to do this next pot
And it's like it's easy just to take it along
and suddenly like that you do have a burden, a
weight when your shoulder. Boys, Yeah, I think it's so
easy for even good things like blessings to become burdens
(17:05):
if we have too much of them. It's almost like
think of like Thanksgiving. I don't know what country you're from,
wherever you're listening, but you know, in the States, we
have this thing called Thanksgiving, or think of just like
a big family dinner right where you have your one
small plate and everyone brought a dish. Right, You're like,
how much food can I fit on this dish? Right?
And then you start putting too much and then guess what,
the integrity of the plate breaks, right because you have
(17:29):
paper plates because we're from the south, right, and then
we lose everything. So all the good things that we
were excited about, like all the good things turned too
a bad thing is now we don't get any of it.
And so I think, Gabes, I think you spot on
with how he's starting to recognize all that that it
wasn't essential, it wasn't important. So I don't want to
rewind too far back. But you know where I was
(17:50):
mentioning the whole manipulation thing about how children like their
scream and whatever to get their way. I think it's
important to know that we as we grow up, we
we learn really creative ways to be even more manipulating
right where we well, I also want to add to
what you're saying before you jump into this, just so
like people are in the right mind space with what
(18:11):
you're about to say. We all are manipulators. On some level. Yeah,
like it's to be like, oh no, I don't manipulate,
like you're okay, you're also a liar to we are
all manipulators. Yeah, sorry, I just had that. I had
to throw some so like on on some capacity, like
(18:33):
we're all sinners, like there's no sin that's uncommon to man.
Shout out the Bible, Um, the Bible. Sorry, fans, shout
the number one in the world. Let's go number one
seller Jesus. Anyway, what was I even saying? You're talking
(18:55):
about how we all struggle with the capacity to manipulate. Yes, yes,
so being aware that going into what Chad was about
to say, just knowing that you have that in you,
Chad masters everybody. Yeah, no, I think that's exactly what's
gonna say, is we find more and more creative ways
to even disguise it from ourself. Right where it's almost like, um,
(19:16):
it's almost like a knee jerk reaction where you know,
if you're driving down the road and then something runs
out in front of you, what do you do? You
immediately swerve or some on the brakes, like you didn't
think to yourself, Oh, there was a sudden thing that
ran out in front of me, and I had point
zero zero two seconds to decide what I want to do. No,
you reacted that way. That's what that's what your your
(19:37):
fight or flight mechanisms told you what to do subconsciously.
And so we have things inside of us that subconsciously
tell us how to act whenever we're not getting our way,
and it really is you know, that stuff really comes
into play. And so, like what we mentioned at the
beginning of this podcast, if if our if our deepest
desire is to is to is too known to be known,
(19:59):
we will go to extreme links to make that happen.
If that means that we will we will jeopardize our
own health, our own mental health, our own responsibilities to
be with somebody or to you know, it's like how
many people lower their standards to get into a relationship.
They can't find someone that they're interested in, and then
guess what their standards do this They go a little
(20:20):
bit lower. Oh well, he only talked to me that
way once. A little bit lower. Oh well, it's he's
just texting those girls, not a big deal. A little
bit lower, you know, and that's what you start to
lower your standards just to feel connected. To people and
so that that can be what we do whenever we
start to um start to people please in a way
(20:40):
to receive. And so I really do think gabeheaded grand
slam with what he was talking about. All as you
say that, just give me two seconds one Mississippi to Mississippi. Okay,
go ahead. You know what I was gonna say is
and we've talked about it before, but where are you
looking for love? Yeah? And that if you're looking for love,
(21:02):
I don't know. I mean we've told that's a whole
different part. We went into depth on a whole different podcast.
But with what you're saying, like there our holes in
your heart that can only be filled by God? Yep,
Like are you trying to fill them with other people?
And just find all that? You know, like you're you're
like kind of selfishly trying to fill up these holes
(21:24):
in your heart with whether it's people or whatever it is.
You know, I think people pleasing a sense as a
by product of that. Yeah, yeahduct yeah, like when you're
peeling back layer by layer and where is the foundation?
Because and then but I just want you to know
that it's okay to go that deep on this because
this is that deep of a topic, right, This is
this is not something where we just brush over where yes,
(21:46):
there are seasons in our life where say we moved
to a new city and we will go out of
our way to start to meet new people and we'll like,
you know, sacrifice more in order to have more I
guess opportunity or whatever. And like that's like an one
thing to do where if you're in a new city
and you don't have any friends, yes, if someone asks
you if you if you like this crappy movie, you
(22:08):
might say yeah, because you just want to connect with people.
And so you know, I do love the super super
deep side, which is what we're talking about. But also
the other side is there does come a time where
we we do see an opportunity to connect with people
and we may go above and beyond to have those connections. Um,
(22:28):
but I think what's really important is to make sure like,
and this is a totally different conversation, are you all cool?
If I kind of turn it around a little bit, Yeah,
But I mean I think what you were just saying
there was similar to what we were saying before, like
are you hurting people? Are are you bettering people? Like
in that situation, you're trying to like make new friends,
(22:49):
and you know what I mean, Like that's not hurting
now exactly. Hopefully you're a great friend to them, exactly,
bettering their life by becoming their friend. So so now
let's let's anyway not now flip it around. Let's spend
this thing and drop it on its head. Okay, are
is what you're doing bettering yourself or hurting yourself? And
so I think it's really important for us to take
time to think about that where like, Okay, yes, now
(23:12):
I'm thinking about the other person, but now I'm also
gonna be thinking about myself. Where if you think about
the whole airplane analogy, you guys know this where you're
on airplane, they say the oxygen masks dropped down. What
do they tell you to do? They say, Hey, put
the mask on yourself first before you put on those
around you. Well, I do know that some of us
can just become self sabotages because we're afraid of of
(23:34):
you know, there's people that are afraid of success. You
know that there's people that can be afraid of a
healthy relationship. You know, there's the people that can be
afraid of something. So they start to self sabotage what's
going on in their own life by completely just say
no to taking care of themselves and just offering to
help other people in their own dreams and their own
callings that they missed their own thing. And that's something
(23:57):
that that we can do. Someone us don't even think
we're worthy to to experience like love and and and
fulfillment in a calling and stuff like that. And I
think that we should think about, Okay, is what I'm
doing gonna gonna help me as a person or is
it going to hurt me as a person, Because again,
if you don't put that mask on yourself, you're going
to run out of oxygen. Does that make sense? Yeah? No, No,
(24:20):
that that does make sense because like if you not,
if you haven't got got it together. But like in
the oxygen scenario, if you haven't put the mask on yourself,
you're not going to be able. Like if you're putting
the mask on someone else before yourself, you could both
pass out or I don't, I don't even know, like
what happens in that SI Is it just like yeah,
(24:40):
but like your head explodes, you know what I mean?
You could both end up passing out, Yeah, where you
need to put it on yourself so then you can
help other people. But that's that's an important thing to note,
is that you put it on yourself first, so you
can't help other here, oh my god, but you don't
put it on yourself firstly like sick and just sit
there you're like, you know you it's they actually say
(25:03):
put on yourself first so you can then help other
people in the instructions. And I think that's where sometimes
that you can go the other way where we you know.
And it's again, it's all about find that balance, relational equity.
I said it once and I'll say, but I just
think you know that's I mean, for example, I one
of the things I struggled with people pleasing was saying
yes to the heaps of church things. And if you
(25:23):
grew up in church and you've done church for a while,
it's easy because you want to be part of the
community that's hanging out. You want to be involved in
the kingdom and the mission and stuff. But what happens
when you burn out, and that's what happened, like you
burn out and then you're not involved at all. And
it's always about that balance. I would rather be maybe
I'd rather lower my capacity but serve fullheartedly in that
(25:46):
in that space, then burn out and not serve at all,
you know. And I think that's where that you know,
face mask thing comes in. It's like, I put it
on so I can help. I put it on. I
take time for myself so I can help others. I
you know, I spend time with my wife, so I'm
fulfilled that for the next day to be with work
people or whatever it may be. And I'm just saying
it's all about that, yeah, finding the wine and then
(26:07):
finding the balance of that, you know. Yeah, I know
there was a little awkward silence for everyone listening, so
you know, in order to get past that quickly, we'll
just play this add real quick and then jump into
it again. I love you both, um. I guess as
we start to close, I think there was something that
really like came my heart during that at break, was
(26:30):
I do know that I do know that as Christians,
you know, all three of us, it's easy for us
to fall into that belief that, oh, because I'm a Christian,
I need to sacrifice myself for other people. And I
want to talk about that for a quick sec because
you know, I think it's a delicate topic, and they
(26:52):
do talk about it in that book we mentioned earlier
called boundaries right where. I think it's important to know
that we serve God and not man, and whenever we
go to serve man, we may be serving uh something
in their life that isn't from God, and we have
to be able to spend time with God to discern
what it is we're doing, because the Bible clearly talks
(27:13):
about um times where we are not here like two
for the approval of man. I mean, like, I don't
know if anyone has notes out, but Galatians won ten
prop first Essalonians to four Romans twelve one Psalm verse
eight second time. I mean, the list goes on and
on and on, right. I was just reading that off
my phone. By the way, I'm not like, I'm not
(27:33):
that guy, but it's really it's really like a half
that guy though. No. I think it's important for us
to know that to a certain extent, yes, we are
there to to love and serve people, but that is
not does not come at your own destruction, and you
need to be able to discern the God in your
life and spend time with God to make sure that
(27:55):
as you do go to serve people, and you go
because we do have that desire to enterently like least people.
We're not We're not We're not doing it for their
acceptance and approval, because that's where you're get in a
dangerous spot and it ends up hurting you and ends
up hurting them. Thank you guys so much for tuning
into this episode of prompt Us, and remember you can
follow us at prompt us podcast on Instagram. That's our
(28:16):
handle app prompt this podcast, and that is where you
can submit prompts that will be topics that we discussed
in future episodes. Appreciate you guys, tons, and we'll talk
again in the next one. From us is a production
of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from iHeart Radio,
visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you
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