Chapter 22: Rogue Realizations

Rachel responds, as she continues to be a topic on Vanderpump Rules.

She's also addressing recent rumors and salacious headlines.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
This is Rachel Go's Rogue. Welcome back to another episode
of Rachel Goes Rogue. I'm your host, Rachel Savannah Levis,
and I just wanted to do a little mental check
in today. So basically with this podcast, right, I am

(00:29):
choosing to share with you guys, authentic emotions that come up,
Like where I'm at. This is quite a rollercoaster, and
it's not perfect. It's not like I went away to
get treatment and all of a sudden, I'm completely cured
and I can navigate my life flawlessly. That's just not realistic.

(00:50):
That's not being a human. So it's a lot and
I'm still in it, and I'm choosing to share it
with you guys and check in and be honest with
emotions that come up because I feel like that is
what makes it real and relatable and that's what life

(01:13):
is all about. So I've been seeing a lot of
comments saying clearly Rachel is not mentally well and she
needs to check herself back into a recovery center because
she's like still so wrapped up in this and she
needs help, or like all that hard work at the

(01:34):
Meadows was for nothing, or it was a waste of time,
which completely was not You know, I'm choosing to be
authentic with you guys, because there's good days and there's
bad days. There's good weeks and there's bad weeks. It's
just super important to be intentional with your day, waking
up and being like, Okay, this is a good day

(01:56):
because I'm going to do X, Y and Z for
myself to make sure it's a good day. And I
think that mindset change is everything for me. Anyway, So
last week was a tougher week because I became so
engulfed in the fabricated reality that is reality TV and

(02:20):
the narrative that I'm being drawn into. And I think
when you reflect on those moments and realize that that's
actually not reality. My reality is actually my friends and
my family that I talk to every day, it helps
ground me and it helps bring me back into real life.

(02:43):
And something that I think is so beautiful too, is
that before when I was doing Season ten and making
bad decisions, I was using TOM as an escape from
that traumatic world that I was participating in. Now I'm

(03:05):
able to use my friendships and use my family and
new relationships that I've been fostering, not to escape from reality.
But to come back to reality, and the further away
I get from the show, it's easier for me to
distinguish what is real and what is not real, and

(03:28):
I'm so incredibly grateful for that. So I just wanted
to check in with you guys, because I know some
people were concerned that, you know, this isn't good for
my mental health. Yeah, the show is not good for
my mental health, but I think the podcast is. And
being able to reflect on all of these stages that
I'm currently going through is part of the reason why

(03:51):
I wanted to do the podcast in the first place.
Watching the show is not enjoyable. I don't like watching it. Yes,
I'm watching it so that I can comment on it.
I choose to do that because I want to be
in the no I don't want to be in denial,
so I want to consume what everyone else is consuming.

(04:12):
I know it's also temporary. It's not a forever thing.
This is a phase in my life that was a
part of my life for so long. I feel comfortable
commenting on it because I'm still being talked about and
there's things that I would like to clarify.

Speaker 2 (04:27):
So one of the things that's happening right now is
a lot of these podcasters who didn't live this life
that was your life on the show, are making their
living commenting on the scenario, and they keep saying, you
should have just gone back to this show. Could you
walk us through if you had gone back to the

(04:47):
show in that situation when they wanted you back, what
would that have even look like for you?

Speaker 1 (04:53):
It would have looked like I would have been in
a high stress environment, filming with people that worked to
tear me down as opposed to lift me up as
a person. I would have been under magnifying glass, with

(05:14):
people reporting certain things to the media, the media picking
it up, creating stories that weren't actually factual, catapulting even
further into the fan fiction that was being created in
the world about my life. And also, you know the
influence that Tom had on me. I was still protecting

(05:37):
Tom at this time. I knew he had a big
influence on me as a person and my identity, and
as I was trying to break free from that, going
back to do the show would force me to film
with him, and I didn't want to. I didn't want
Tom to be in my life anymore. Even if I

(05:59):
did go back and film and was like, oh, you know,
I'm ending things with Tom. They would still create situations
that would bring me back in and I would feel
the need to comment on it like I have been
doing on my podcast, And yeah, it could have been
really entertaining, but I have chosen to live a more

(06:23):
authentic life for me instead of providing entertainment for the
public to consume. I'm prioritizing myself over entertainment.

Speaker 2 (06:37):
And if you were promised that you would be able
to tell your story head you've gone back, like, what
would that have looked like? Knowing now what you know,
how would that have played out? Do you think they
would have shown it aired it?

Speaker 1 (06:49):
I think about that a lot, especially as I hear
people on the cast talk about, oh, well, you know,
reality TV shows every single part of every story and
it showcases that. And because I was a major part
in this storyline, I would have had the opportunity to

(07:14):
share my side, and yes, they would have covered it,
but there's no guarantee that they would have aired it.
I think a big reason why I knew that that
would be a risk that I wasn't willing to take
is because of what has happened in the past with

(07:35):
a story that was reality that never made it to air.
And what I'm talking about specifically is when Tom came
to my apartment the additional episode that was on season ten,
and I confronted him about filming me without me knowing,

(07:56):
and which was a very real situation, and they captured
his reaction. It was so hands off at that point.
It's like, Okay, you have this footage and you say
that you're capturing reality, and it's in this part is
like a juicy little piece of the puzzle. And they

(08:20):
chose to not air that and protect him, even though
it would have been congruent with the storyline of me
realizing that I shouldn't protect Tom anymore, hence the last
five minutes of season ten. So in that way, I
felt betrayed, and it gave me a data point that

(08:41):
even if I am sharing the full truth, they have
the power to cut and manipulate to support certain cast
members in the storyline that they want to support. Also,
I suspected that they were going to give Tom a

(09:02):
hero edit this season and give him a redemption arc
because they have more invested in him than they do
with me, And you know, they would have, I honestly believe, Yeah,
they would have edited me to seem crazy, probably because
I would have lost my shit. Also, like learning in

(09:26):
the Meadows that anger is a healthy emotion, I would
have allowed myself to be angry and I would have
showed that anger. And I think that's a new side
of me that I'm still discovering within myself. So it
would have been very easy for production to work with that,
and that would have been the narrative that they would

(09:47):
have run with without a doubt. Yeah, I made the
right decision for me. Ultimately, other people don't know me
and my circumstance and all of the little details go
into my decision making more than I do. That is
my own choice that I get to make and I
get to live with the consequences.

Speaker 3 (10:08):
Another misunderstanding in another podcast, you are doing a timeline
and you mention another guy, and everybody jumped all over that,
assuming that you were talking about that you were seeing
somebody else. They were assuming it was Meema.

Speaker 1 (10:24):
Can you clarify that No, that person that I was
seeing before Tom was not Nima. We did brunches together,
we hung out, we did dinners together. This was not Nima.
This person lived in la I don't know what else
to say about him besides that he was not Nima.

Speaker 3 (10:44):
And this big one dropped. So Tom and his attorneys
have responded to your lawsuit with the claims such as
you videotaped the incident and sent it to Tom, and

(11:06):
you're doing all of this, this lawsuit to get more fame.
How do you feel about that?

Speaker 1 (11:13):
You know, I feel anger that Tom chooses to lie
to attempt to change the narrative. I don't know how
many times I can say it that you know, he
filmed me this video FaceTime without me knowing, and the

(11:34):
video footage is you know, me on the big screen,
him on the little screen on the FaceTime call, So
that is him recording that video. I did not record
that video. I did not send it. It was sent
to me, so that can easily be disproven. So I

(11:55):
think it's just silly that he chooses not to take
account of ability and goes one step further to fabricate
a story that can easily be disproven. As far as
doing this lawsuit to become famous, as he is putting
out there now, I think it's interesting his mindset right

(12:17):
because I think he does value fame, and he values
doing things to leverage his infamy. For me, I don't
prioritize that the lawsuit has gotten a lot of press,
and it has gotten you know, I am a polarizing
figure and continue to be. So I am doing it

(12:40):
to hold people accountable because recording somebody without their consent
is not okay, and it has been done to other
people before. That is why there are revenge porn laws now,
because it has become an issue with our new digital age,

(13:05):
and sending a video that is intimate in nature to
anybody is also not okay. Fortunately, I am able to
have resources to fight for me legally, I would say
most people don't have that luxury. Most people don't have

(13:28):
that privilege to be able to call out that behavior,
say that it's wrong, and advocate for accountability. And also like,
there's a lot of shame surrounding that too. So I
think there's a piece where I really chose to let
go of that shame and take ownership of my actions

(13:52):
in a situation that is pretty shameful and really open
myself up to the scrutiny that comes with because I
am strong enough to handle that, and so I am
doing this for a bigger reason. It's not just me.
It is for all the people who have had their

(14:13):
privacy violated sexually that are either too ashamed to speak
out and hold the other people accountable, or don't have
the resources or chose not to, but they know what happened,
and so I'm doing it for those people. To be clear,

(14:35):
I made a bad choice to be in a relationship
with Tom, but holding him responsible for the reprehensible act
of illegally filming me without my consent, which then became
national news and extremely detrimental to my mental well being,

(14:57):
is the right choice for me. I chose to go
ahead with a lawsuit. It was not an easy decision
to make, and I think I've said this before, but
I really had to weigh everything and I feel very
angry about it, and more so on Tom's part, but

(15:20):
the fact that Arianna sent it out, it's like both
of those things are equally wrong and it just blew up,
and it was because of this video. So it's like,
if everyone's out to hold people accountable, I feel like
an upholding my truth and myself to hold these people

(15:45):
accountable too. Okay, So this week we have episode thirteen
of season eleven. It's called Jack's Attack. I think we

(16:08):
got to the point of production knows that I'm for
sure not coming back because I did the Buthany Frankel interview.
Tom knows I'm for sure not in his grasp anymore
because I haven't contacted him once and I did the
Buthany Frankel interview, And so I think we're finally seeing

(16:32):
a change in mindset, a change in intentionality with the
cast and production and how this episode has played out,
it seems like, Okay, we're we're kind of like closing
that chapter and we're moving on, even though you know,

(16:54):
it got brought up again at James and Ali's house
with Shena and Tom getting into that argument, which I
want to go into more detail later, but overall, it
seemed like, Okay, we're moving on, and it seemed like
a setup episode for the rest of the season to

(17:17):
pan out, which there's only a few more episodes left,
I believe, with the finale, and so it's nice that
it's incongruence to where I'm at because I'm so ready
to move on to and I think the viewers too,
are ready for fresh storylines and have seen this play

(17:42):
out for over a year now, so I think we're
really taking a shift.

Speaker 4 (17:51):
I do want to know when it comes to this
kind of moving on. Tom and Ariana, are you know
at the same party. Obviously there was a moment where
she was going to go say something to she now
and then she noticed Tom, so she kind of held back.
But she is sharing the same spaces. It looks like
she and Schwartz are in a good place. Do you
feel like you're being held to a different standard. Does

(18:11):
it feel like people aren't allowing you to move on
in the same way the rest of the cast is
all kind of moving on together.

Speaker 1 (18:18):
No, I don't know. I it's I think it's harder
because I'm not there. So the dynamic is different with
Tom and the cast versus me and the cast because
I'm not present. So therefore there can't really be this

(18:38):
quote unquote closure or this like clarification because I'm not
in communication with them. Whereas I think Tom chose to
go back and quote unquote work on these relationships, and
I think as he was communicating to me in the meadows,

(19:01):
he was like, I'm doing the work. I'm actively out here.
I'm choosing to go back and take accountability and do
the work on these relationships. And I think for me,
my idea and concept of doing the work is much

(19:23):
different than Tom's perception of what doing the work is
for him. I believe that doing the work is like
him prioritizing the show, knowing that he has a commitment
to the show and a commitment to the storyline and

(19:43):
a commitment to the cast that he has chosen to
be friend. And for me, doing the work is going
to therapy every week or at that time in the meadows,
going to therapy every day. Doing the work for me

(20:05):
is fostering true friendships with authentic intimate connections where we
are building each other up and bringing out the best
in each other. Doing the work is practicing mindfulness, meditation,
working out my body, going for walks, not drinking alcohol,

(20:27):
and just like really embodying all of that and learning
how to set boundaries and what that looks like for
me and getting guidance where I need it to make
clear decisions in my life. And so that for me
is doing the work. Tom and I aren't in alignment

(20:51):
with what our values are. That is why the relationship failed,
amongst other things. But you know I have different values
with integrity, honesty, respect, authenticity, and kindness and self development

(21:11):
and self growth. And through this experience and compromising my values,
I have learned that those are the things that I
am choosing to uphold every single day here on out.
That is why the relationship is not successful. Maybe that

(21:37):
can clarify to listeners and viewers of the show that
are like, oh, you blew up everyone's lives for nothing,
like you could have just given it a shot. Yeah.
I kind of kind of did give it a shot.
And as I was in my recovery center learning about

(21:57):
myself and getting more authentic to who I am, you
start really realizing that we're not compatible in that way.
Actions speak louder than words. We chose different paths and
there's different consequences for those choices.

Speaker 4 (22:19):
And so when people kind of like reduce you down
to that relationship after all this work that you've done, like,
what does that feel like?

Speaker 1 (22:31):
It kind of feels like and I know not everyone
does this either, Like there's listeners who understand and get it,
And I'm like, it's like this podcast is for you,
you know, like clearly you've been through some sort of
relational imbalance or trauma or abuse that you understand what

(22:52):
I'm saying because you've experienced it yourself, and I love that.
But when people you know minimize it down to, oh,
you're choosing this because you're a selfish person, or you know,
you just wanted to thrill and that's all it was
to you. It's silly to become frustrated over it because

(23:14):
there's all that energy being spewed out. There's really no
point in getting so worked up about that because it's
it's a waste of energy. I would rather reinvest that
energy into myself and continue to focus on the positives
and the people whose lives I am able to impact

(23:36):
in a positive way.

Speaker 4 (23:38):
And so back to the episode when Tom is kind
of having this conversation with Sheena about sina Is capitalizing
off of his pain and off of something that he
went through. Did you feel the same way.

Speaker 1 (23:52):
Yeah, it's hurtful. It's hurtful going back to my mindset
during that time because I want to be able to
like put my I had space in the same moments
that Tom is talking about during this the filming of
this episode, it was hurtful to see so many people

(24:12):
capitalize off of it and like brag about it and
continue to say hurtful things to keep you down, and yeah,
it's it's hard. But then also you realize that they're

(24:32):
you know, they're taking this moment to capitalize on it,
which is the name of the game in this industry.
I have understanding for it too, but I think there's
a way to do it that offers compassion for the
other person and isn't totally like all consuming of being
like I'm better than you, and you suck and you

(24:55):
deserve the place that you're in right now, and I'm
gonna make money off of this because is now you're
just a laughing stock, and like, let's all make fun
of this person together and let's raw everyone up and
get that mob mentality, and it just like fuels more hate.
This situation was so polarizing, and with the little information

(25:20):
that was out there at the time, it's very easy
to make judgments and see it as a black and
white situation and jump to conclusions. You know, I empathize
with how Tom is feeling with you know, Sheena and
Lala capitalizing off of this painful experience because there wasn't

(25:44):
a lot of empathy there and.

Speaker 4 (25:46):
So this whole argument, it's kind of about Sheena's song
that she put out. Do you remember where you were
when the song came out, did you listen to it?
Was your reaction similar to Tom's or did you just
kind of stay away from it altogether.

Speaker 1 (25:57):
The Buthany Frankel interview came out late August, and then
Shena dropped her song Apples in September, and I mean,
I didn't have quite a big reaction. I wouldn't say
that my reaction was as strong as maybe Tom's was
or how he's presenting it to be, because we all

(26:20):
know that being on this show can be performative. But
I think there was also underlying factors behind that as well.
I don't think Tom was only reacting to that song.
I think he also had, you know, resentments against me,

(26:42):
feelings about the whole situation, feeling like it wasn't fair
and fighting that battle that's impossible to win, and not
feeling supported in the way that he needed to be supported,
which you know, I I can't do that for him.
So I think there were multiple things, and Sheena's song

(27:03):
was just the breaking point.

Speaker 3 (27:05):
In that argument.

Speaker 5 (27:06):
Also, Shina brings up the trro again, she brings up
all that. And but what I find interesting because she
repeats in this and her and Ariana in this episode
bring up the shut your mouth, shut up Tom, and
it's the exact same the thing they did on the
reunion when he brought it up. Tell me what you

(27:28):
think that is about, because so that's two times that
the both Sheena and Ariana jump up and say that
that didn't happen and shut your mouth. All you had
to do is keep your mouth shut.

Speaker 1 (27:39):
I believe that Sheena is more mad at Tom for
quote unquote betraying her by saying at the reunion that
Sheena said on the speakerphone I just punched that bitch
in her face and through her phone in the street.
And I think that's really the reason why Sheena is

(27:59):
so so angry at Tom. I think more so than
the actual cheating, which kind of makes sense because a
lot of people are like, why is Sheena acting like
she was the one cheated on by Tom? It's because
she feels betrayed that Tom put her, you know, from
her viewpoint, put her at risk for some legal action

(28:22):
to take place, you know. And then we also see
her freaking out with her insecurities about Laala and Brock
and their friendship because Lala has gotten really close with
Shena and Brock because of their children. I think Brock
also is a stand up guy in the way that
he has stepped into a father figure role model for

(28:47):
Lala's daughter. And so because they're spending so much time
together and we see the way that they interact with
each other, Shena is blaming her own insecurities on Tom,
saying that you are the reason why I now have
to think about lah Blah and Brock possibly cheating on

(29:12):
me behind my back. And I think that's a little
bit of an unfair statement because that's her own insecurity,
that's her own wound that she needs to work through.
As I was watching that, I was actually really happy
that Tom chose to continue to point that out to

(29:32):
her and to bring that up on camera because he
didn't need to. He had no loyalty to me anymore,
but in this instance, he decided to have integrity with
what he said at the reunion. Yeah, it felt good
watching that. I felt a little bit vindicated. On another note,

(30:04):
we see Jack's being brought up into the conversation for
his cheating and Katie's issues with Jax as a human
and how it's fractured her friendship with Brittany because she
just doesn't enjoy being around Jack's. And it's interesting because
the issue of cheating gets brought up and it doesn't

(30:28):
seem to have a lasting impact. Katie seems like she's
the only one really bothered by Jack's potentially cheating on Britney.
What does it.

Speaker 4 (30:41):
Feel like watching their reactions to Jack's and to this
allegation and then he's immediately kind of accepted right back
into this group. There's how you were treated.

Speaker 1 (30:51):
It's the same core issue, right, the cheating. It's just
interesting that everyone's so quick to brush it under the
rug or try and a blind eye, or really not
hold Jack's to the same accountability as Tom and I
for the same cheating issue. Well, it's not the same.

(31:12):
It is different, but at the core is the same transgression.

Speaker 4 (31:18):
Do you feel like they're holding him at a different
standard to you?

Speaker 1 (31:21):
You know, I try not to compare myself to like
my situation that I got involved with Tom, to Jackson's
situation where he's cheating on Brittany. I try not to
compare because it is different and it's fascinating to me

(31:42):
that Jacks gets to come back on vander Pump Rules
as a cast member, and it's like, uh okay. Because
the scandal got so big, it acted as a reset
on Jackson Brittany's reputation in a way where people forgot

(32:05):
the reason why Jackson wasn't asked back for another season.
And not that we need to like hold everything over
everyone's heads, but it just makes you question, like, interesting,
this scandal was so big that now Jax gets a
quote unquote redemption season and there's a whole other series

(32:28):
with the Valley. I think that goes to show that
all of this is temporary and it's really silly to
hold things over people's heads, like especially when they are
actively making strides and changing and to become a better person.
It's just interesting that we see Jackson Brittany get a

(32:51):
full on you know, they're back in the mix.

Speaker 4 (32:54):
Speaking of growth, James in this episode has a really
big breakdown over leaving Hippee slash Graham, how did you
feel watching.

Speaker 1 (33:04):
That We're seeing a big redemption arc with James this
season two. And I think the reason for that is,
you know, I hypothesize that the reason for that is
to make me look like the unstable one and James
as the stable one. Clearly, he still has his issues,

(33:25):
as I suspected, watching James breakdown is like, all right,
here we go, here we go, here's the James that
we know. As I'm beginning to be open to dating
and experiencing, like, you know, what are the characteristics that
I look for in a partner like number one? Number

(33:49):
one is emotional regulation and communication. I think the reason
why I'm prioritizing those things is because those are areas
that had been lacking in my past relationships, but specifically
with James. And so, you know, we see James have

(34:10):
a little bit of a meltdown and you can see
the shift like he's he's an adult child in that moment,
and it's a very familiar thing to me. I've experienced
that quite a bit in our relationship. As we're coming
towards the end of season eleven, it seems like the

(34:33):
worst is over as far as them bringing my name
into the dialogue. You know, will continue to see how
this season plays out, but I think that we've hit
like a pivot point and this has been a roller coaster.
I knew that it would be, but mentally preparing for

(34:54):
watching this season and experiencing it is like, who Okay,
it's been a lot. I'm hopeful and I'm optimistic, and
I am choosing to stay in the reality that grounds me.

(35:15):
Thank you so much for listening to Rachel Goes Rogue.
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