Chapter 32: They Called It A Spa

As Scandoval was the top story in the tabloids and magazines, Rachel was in treatment.

She's ready to share with you her experience during those 90 days in a mental health facility.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
This is Rachel Go's Rogue.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
Welcome back to another episode of Rachel Goes Rogue. This
is your host, Rachel Savannah Levis, And as many of
you guys know, I spent ninety days in a mental
behavioral health facility. I got intensive trauma therapy and group therapy,

(00:31):
and I've been wanting to share more about my experience
at this facility. It was called the Meadows, and it
truly was life changing. It became the beginning of my
healing journey, a journey back to my whole, integrated self.

(00:54):
And I have to thank the therapist there for being
incredible and so helpful, and also the other people there
that were in my groups and in the community as
a whole, because it just was a completely different culture

(01:15):
than what I was used to. I am having a
guest join me. Her name is Audrey Hope and she
is a certified trauma therapist with over twenty years of experience.
She has her own practice in Brentwood, California. She's also
an addiction therapist at Seasons in Malibu rehab facility. So

(01:38):
I figured she would be a great guest to have
on to speak on what it's like to be in
an impatient trauma therapy center working on things like addiction.
But there's more than just addiction that the therapists are
treating in a facility like this, and it's important for

(01:59):
me to talk about it because I hope to normalize
asking for help and getting help in this way, because
it truly can be life changing, and I think there's
still a little bit of a stigma behind it. And
I also recognize that some people thought that I was

(02:21):
just going to an impatient treatment center for a publicity stunt,
and that definitely was not the case. I knew I
had more to work on. After the original forty five days,
which is standard for people to spend that amount of
time in a rehab facility like this, I knew I

(02:43):
needed more work and it was still too chaotic for
me to integrate everything that I've learned so far. At
that point, after the forty five days, I knew I
needed to extend and stay longer and discover more about myself.
And I'm very happy that I did, because it truly

(03:04):
was exactly what I needed. I want to bring you
guys with me on what a day to day would
look like at the recovery center that I went to.
It was very intense therapy. It definitely was no joke.
We would have two lectures each day and two group

(03:26):
sessions each day, and every week we had an assignment,
and each week we had a day where we would
process that assignment with our group therapist. We also had
trauma therapy, so that would be specific one on one

(03:47):
therapy time with a certified trauma therapist. Each morning we
had peer group. We would go around in a circle
and say our name are claims which would be like codependency, alcoholism,
drug addiction, depression, anxiety, so on, so forth, and then

(04:13):
a positive affirmation. So it helped reinforce that neuropathway of
positive self talk rather than criticizing yourself and going down
that whole rabbit hole. One of my individualized assignments was

(04:34):
a shame backpack, where basically I was instructed to write
down every mean thing that I could recall being thrown
my way, all the insults, all the name calling, all
the derogatory comments that I could remember, and once I

(04:57):
wrote those down on a piece of paper, I would
put the paper in a book. So for each comment,
you would have one book, and I had my huge
laundry bag that I put all these different books in.
It was very, very heavy, and I was assigned to

(05:18):
wear that backpack everywhere that I went for that week. Obviously,
I did not want to do that and it did
hurt my back. But when I was processing through this
assignment with my therapist, I had to read all of
the comments and then my therapist asked me if I

(05:39):
wanted to take them on and to carry them with
me for the rest of my life. I said no,
I don't, and I was instructed to tear up all
of the pieces of paper. Interestingly enough, that week, one
of the residents found a newspaper. We would get newspapers

(06:04):
in the morning, but the one that came this specific
morning was titled vander Pumps scandal ruined Reality TV for
me and it's a picture of me talking to Arianna.
I actually had this in my shame backpack, and it's
just so wild that it literally made its way into

(06:29):
the meadows. It was kind of surreal that this came
into my possession that week of my assignment. That taught
me not to take on all of the hate, all
of the shame that was being spewed onto me, because

(06:49):
life is much harder when you take that on. It's
only really healthy to process our own shame that we feel,
and once we take on somebody else's projected shame at us,
that's when it becomes super unhealthy. So that was one
of the huge lessons, huge takeaways that I took with

(07:14):
me and integrated into my life host impatient therapy. So,
the first few weeks out of treatment, I came home
and I had my phone and I did not want
it back. But when I did decide to turn my
phone on again, which was like a few days after

(07:36):
I was discharged, I immediately blocked Tom's number, and in my
crisis management plan, my therapist basically said that the crisis
moment for me would be contacting Tom Sanderbal. So when

(07:58):
I was ready to turn on my phone, blocked his number.
And I really wasn't on my phone very much. I
did not want to see articles. I didn't want to
experience all the shame that wasn't mine. Literally. That week

(08:18):
was the week that the cast went to Tahoe and
Graham made his first appearance on the show. Shortly after,
there were articles saying that I surrendered my dog at

(08:39):
a kill shelter and that he was hours away of
euthanasia and that was one hundred percent not true whatsoever,
and it was devastating. That was really really hard at
a moment when I was really reacting to real life,

(09:01):
and during that time, I was in a very vulnerable place.
I considered checking myself back into the meadows because it
was so overwhelming and it was so frustrating. Because I
just wanted to defend myself and I wanted to set
the record straight. I decided not to speak out. My

(09:24):
parents spoke to the press to get the correct story
out there, but you know, people wanted to believe what
they wanted to believe, and it just felt like it
was a losing battle, and I knew that I needed
to speak on that instance for myself, which was a

(09:47):
big motivator in why I wanted to come on the
Bethany Frankel podcast. That was very, very difficult. If I
did go back to the show, they were going to
have me come back on that Tahoe episode. And I've
said this before, but I think it's important to hone
in on the fact that they would have pulled this

(10:09):
gram stunt on me fresh out of my recovery treatment,
and there's no way I would have had any sort
of composure at all, I would have friakin lost it,
especially because I've learned that anger is a healthy emotion

(10:33):
and it's okay to feel anger because that means a
boundary has been violated. And clearly that would have been
a huge boundary violation, especially when the show is promising
to prioritize my mental health. Without a doubt, I would
have checked myself back into the Meadows, and then the

(10:55):
story would have been Rachel is mentally insane and this
is so unfortunate, and I would have been the scapegoat
fall guy, even more so than I already was. So
why the Meadows. I was looking for a place where
I could get away from all of the chaos. It

(11:18):
got so bad and my life became completely unmanageable that
I knew I needed help. When I went in, I
knew I needed help. I didn't know what it was exactly,
but I knew I needed help with codependency. And I

(11:39):
could clearly see that I was not in healthy relationships,
but I didn't understand why that was happening. So I
was able to get clarity with that, and gosh, it's
been life changing. I was scared to go in, it

(11:59):
just seemed very intimidating, this forty five day stay without music,
without your phone, just disconnected. It did seem very isolating
in a way. And then also meeting new people and
not knowing who they were seemed very intimidating too. But

(12:22):
I realized once I got in there that we all
kind of hit our own version of a rock bottom,
and we were all there to figure stuff out about
ourselves and to better ourselves. So there was a common
thread connecting all of us there, which helped to bring

(12:42):
us closer together. And everyone was very welcoming, like the
people that were there longer kind of took the newbies
under their wing and showed them the ropes and the
different places pafeteria, different classrooms, all that stuff. There was
a big age range when I was in there, people

(13:07):
from twenty seven, twenty eight to I would say, like
sixty to seventies. But there was a huge age range,
and I did become friends with people from different ages,
and people came up to me that were older and

(13:27):
told me that I was very blessed and lucky that
I was figuring this stuff out at my age, because
they wish they would have known this stuff way back
when because their life would have looked completely different. So
it definitely is an investment in your life. It does

(13:48):
seem very extreme, but we have all experienced trauma in
our lives and we all have healing to do, so
I just highly recommend it if you are considering going
to a recovery center. Meeting new people was very cool,

(14:08):
and because we would have twelve step meetings every single night,
it was easy to learn people's names, and then the
new people that would come in, you would pick up
their names pretty quickly. And the culture inside a mental
health facility is very different than the culture that I

(14:34):
was used to. Basically, it's inspiring to share your story,
to be involved in the community, to share what you've
learned about yourself so far, and to be a leader
in the twelve step meetings. Yeah, to like really get involved,

(14:59):
it seemed like, and I was aspiring to that, but
it did seem like the culture was different, a huge
heavy priority on the healing aspect of it all. Because
I extended my stay past the forty five days, I
became a leader in that community because I was further

(15:24):
along in my healing journey than the people that were
in there, and It was interesting too, because I did
stay so long that one person did come back after
they relapsed, and they approached me in the cafeteria line

(15:45):
and told me that they really admired the fact that
I was still there and they knew it wasn't easy
and that there's just like so much respect for them,
And that kind of encapsulates the culture at a recovery center.

(16:05):
Seeing so many people come and go, there were huge
life lessons. One of them is not to judge someone
by their first week. Normally they are coming off of
the substance and they aren't able to be coherent, or

(16:29):
they may snore really loud because probably they haven't had
a chance to sleep. Yeah, it was definitely learning lesson
for me not to judge people upon entry because I
had seen them completely transform. I was there for an

(16:49):
extended amount of time, so the newbies that came in
I got to seek finish out their forty five days
and I was there at their min'sment wishing them well
on their journey, and then also receiving new people and
starting that whole process over again to the point where

(17:12):
it did cycle through fully twice. So we would have
scheduled downtime where we would read, do arts and crafts,
we would play pick a ball. I know all the
rules of pick a ball now because of the meadows.
But we had a heavy homework schedule, especially on Survivors

(17:38):
Week and Family Week. We had individualized assignments that we
processed every single day. So after a heavy processing day
in our small therapy groups, we had homework assignments, so
we stayed up late working on those and then get

(18:00):
up early to go straight back into therapy and cry
off all of our makeup and cry our eyes out
and then runs and repeat. So that was very tiring.
And that week I read a book called The Princess

(18:21):
Who Believed in Fairy Tales, which is basically a cute
little fiction book that had this princess who was you know,
She's brought up to dream of Prince Charming. Eventually she
meets him and he is so wonderful and dreamy and
everything she could have imagined. And then one day he

(18:45):
yells at her and treats her really poorly. But then
the next day he apologizes and makes it up to
her by giving her so many flowers. But the longer
she stayed in that relationship, the more the Prince's mask
would slip, and it was classic tale of a narcissistic

(19:09):
codependent relationship that couldn't have been more suiting for processing
through my love relationships and really like connecting to my
inner child. On Survivor's Week, which was basically like our

(19:30):
inner child work week, we also did have the ability
to check out the movie. One of them was Twenty
eight Days with Sandra Bullock, and it was interesting because
this is the story of her checking herself or it
was like a court mandated recovery rehab experience for her alcoholism.

(19:53):
And there's like total stereotypes of what it's like to
be in a recovery center, which some of them are.
We were laughing because some of them were pretty accurate,
but I feel like it's kind of exaggerated. And it
also depends on who is in there with you, because

(20:16):
everyone is so different that your experience is going to
be dependent on who else is in there with you.
At the same time, I would say that the Meadows
did not feel like a vacation or a spa. We
would joke that we need like a vacation from our

(20:38):
recovery impatient treatment because it was so intense and heavy
I wouldn't wear makeup because the chances of me crying
it all off were very very high. I think that
allowed for people to connect to your true soul without

(21:00):
any extra I wasn't able to have visitors. We had
family come for a specific family therapy week where our
family also did therapy and lectures and we did group work.
I do still talk to the people that I've shared

(21:24):
this experience with. I just hung out with one of
those people. I am in contact with the closest friends
that I made at the Meadows, and it's very cool
having that support and reminiscing on the days. We had

(21:46):
these journals that we would write nice notes to each
other and give our contact info out. Basically, so if
you're thinking of going to a recovery center, bring extra
journals because you may need one for like your friends
to write in. The friendships that I have with people

(22:09):
that I met at the Meadows, they are very special
to me because it's a very unique lived experience. We
went through it at the same time, so we're celebrating
like our one year mark around the same time as
each other. We're able to be accountability buddies to one

(22:32):
another and check in and see how we're doing. I
think there's just this level of vulnerability and intimacy that
was created and sharing like deep dark stuff that we
connected with each other on. And it's been very cool

(22:56):
seeing everyone like integrate what they learned into their life
and grow from that experience. I feel like I've grown
in every aspect of my life. I feel like I
finally know who I am and I'm not seeking external validation.

(23:20):
I am prioritizing sisterhood and I've talked about this before,
but I do feel like I finally know what that
actually means and what that actually feels like. And some
of the people that I met at the Meadows have
become like sisters to me, and then also like my

(23:42):
best friend from high school, I consider a sister. Recognizing
the red flags and relationships is a huge area of
improvement in my life. Also recognizing, like healthy people attract
healthy people, I am attract positive people into my life,
and it is very cool to see that come into

(24:04):
fruition because that was kind of like my mantra. While
I was in the Meadows, I knew I was doing
a huge lifestyle change, and I knew I burned many
bridges with the cast and production. So living in LA

(24:25):
was not quite an option for me, just because also
like trusting people would be difficult and I was in
a vulnerable state. Now that I've healed more, I feel
like I have the discernment to know if someone is
genuinely interested in forming a friendship or if it's something

(24:49):
more manipulative and not healthy. And I've created like such incredible,
amazing friendships out here that I didn't know could be
a reality. So that's been very rewarding too. I think
everyone is qualified to be in therapy. We all have

(25:11):
something to heal from. It's important to heal from those
things so that we could be better people. And spending
that ninety days in an intense trauma therapy center was
so life changing and it was definitely one of the

(25:31):
best decisions I ever made for myself. It was an
investment in myself. It was a portal to another dimension
where I could connect to my soul and reconnect with reality.
And I'm just very thankful that I was able to
receive that help that I truly truly needed. But I

(25:54):
want to bring my guests in again. Her name is
Audrey Hope. She's a certified trauma therapy pest with over
twenty years experience and is also an addiction therapist at
Seasons in Malibu. So let's bring in Audrey Hope.

Speaker 1 (26:22):
Hi, Audrey, Hi, how are you wait till I've been
studying you? I am so excited. I'm for the last
week I have watched. I watched season ten, I started
to watch the ninth. But just to really get I
just want to say that in life, it doesn't really
matter what happens to us, it's what we do about it.

(26:45):
And the fact that you're doing this podcast and doing
the work, it's just the most incredible thing. So I
just want to say that off the bat, Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 (26:55):
Thank you. I feel honored that you've been studying me.
I think it's so funny when therapists talk about like
doing their dissertation on vander Pump Rules or on The
Valley and on these TV shows that are just so
chaotic and crazy. But it's true. It's like these reality
TV shows do provide entertainment that's relatable to people on

(27:20):
an extreme level because we're all human and we all
experience similar things in life, and yeah, maybe we don't
react in the best way, but capturing that on camera.
Some of us have to live with the consequences of
that exactly.

Speaker 1 (27:37):
But it doesn't matter where the bad things happen. We're
still in a play in life and we have to
use it, and that's what you're doing. So those are
the things that really spoke to me because I know
that you've been at the Meadows, right, I mean yes,
So one of the questions I had for you is like,

(27:58):
what did what did you learn from it? And what
is still left? Because I you know, I'm at seasons.
I've been doing this for like twenty years, but sometimes
you could leave a rehab and you still didn't get it.
So that's why I'm happy to be here. I want
to see, like what's left. Maybe I could add a

(28:18):
piece to it from like that soul level.

Speaker 2 (28:21):
Yeah, I love that. I also read your bio online
and I love how you expressed the soul purpose and
the soul's journey because one of the things that I
discovered very early on once I checked myself into the
Meadows was this spirituality component that they were bringing into

(28:46):
the therapy model. Yes, and I just thought that was
so strange. I was like, Okay, I know that this
is like one of the best treatment facility places. So
there must be something to this spiritual stuff. And I
didn't know, you know, like I didn't have a relationship

(29:07):
with my higher power. I was putting men in that
position of my higher power and I would look to
them for answers, and that is how I got so
lost in my codependency. And so right off the path,
I was like, okay, spirituality. Interesting. We had a chaplain

(29:29):
on campus, and for those who don't know, a chaplain
is basically a non denominational person who can help guide
you and connect to like what it means to look
to your higher power or source energy or the universe
or God. And we can use those terms interchangeably. And

(29:54):
since then I had been integrating that spirituality into my
everyday life, going to church on Sundays. I tried a
Mormon church. My friend took me to a Mormon church.
I have found a spiritual community out here now, and
it just makes a world of a difference because these

(30:16):
people are looking to something bigger than themselves exactly and
have faith in that, and it helps people make healthier
choices in life and reconnect with their own selves.

Speaker 1 (30:36):
Beautifully said, I.

Speaker 2 (30:37):
Finally know who I am too, and it's been a
huge journey for me to get here, but I knew
I needed to go through something to discover something about
myself in a way. And also I was thinking about
the codependency piece of it, just being so heavily influenced

(30:58):
by outside sources and realizing that I become more alike
the people that I surround myself with. I was thinking
back to the time when I was twenty one and
I did decide to join vander Pump Rules. There was
something about James specifically that drew me to him because

(31:21):
he didn't care what other people thought, and I cared
so much about what other people thought, and he was
very charismatic and funny and energizing and just the life
of the party. And I wanted to be more like that.
I wanted to overcome my social anxiety. And so in
a way, I kind of looked up to the cast

(31:43):
members on this show because they were all achieving something
that I really wanted and not letting other people's opinions
of them hold them back from being seen. And that
was my soul, you know, like that, deep down was

(32:04):
what my soul truly wanted.

Speaker 1 (32:06):
And you said that in the show.

Speaker 2 (32:08):
Yeah, yes, yes, you talked about that.

Speaker 1 (32:12):
You're actually really authentic with that that you wanted, right
m hm. So do you feel now what do you
feel is left now? Like where are you now with needing?
What what do you what else do you need? You've
done a lot, what else do you need to kind
of have all your dreams and to be that role model?
What else is is next?

Speaker 2 (32:34):
I feel like right now, the biggest block for me
is still working with the reputation that I have found
myself in and it seems like people still are from
my perspective, it seems like some people are still quick

(32:56):
to judge and box and label me.

Speaker 1 (32:58):
I hear you.

Speaker 2 (32:59):
Yeah, I guess that is like the challenge. But I'm
also I have like a bigger vision of what I
want to do with my life given this experience, and
hopefully using my celebrity as a resource to to get
a message to a broader audience, because it's so rewarding

(33:22):
when people can relate to what I'm talking about and
come up to me and tell me that like they
enjoy listening to this podcast.

Speaker 1 (33:31):
So Rachel, going back to like the meadows and the
experience of it, did you do any energetic work. Did
they do any energetic pieces there?

Speaker 2 (33:51):
They didn't do much energetic work besides a regular acupuncture
and like smaller group occupuncture, it was more heavily focused
on group therapy and we would do meetings like recovery
meetings every night. And I learned that speaking about your

(34:17):
experience is very rewarding because when other people can relate
to that, yes it, you know, like it becomes like
a mirror for them to look at their own stuff.
And I experience that listening to other people's stories, and
so that is also another motivator for me to have
this podcast and talk about my experience because I know

(34:39):
how helpful that group therapy is.

Speaker 1 (34:42):
It's an invitation. But one of the things that I
do is I would ask where do you energetically, where
do you give your power away? Because the one thing
we do as women, we give our power away, right
and they call it love addiction, But on another level,
it's to never give your powerway to any one, so
that you're one hundred percent contained within yourself energetically, that's

(35:06):
the power we have to move into the world to manifest.
So it's good to look at like the I'm sure
you looked at the love Addiction men piece and how
much of your energy was given to that? Like, what
would you say with that? Did you give like fifty
percent to the man? One hundred percent?

Speaker 2 (35:29):
Definitely more than fifty percent.

Speaker 1 (35:32):
So the next question was did you get it back?
Did you call it back?

Speaker 2 (35:36):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (35:37):
And did you seal it up never to do that again?

Speaker 2 (35:40):
Yes? Okay, So I'm very happy that you have experienced
with being a trauma therapist in an impatient facility. Specifically,
did you explain the difference between impatient and outpatient therapy
and who should use each kind?

Speaker 1 (36:03):
Inpatient facility is a commitment. It's no joke. It's like
you're saying, I'm going to leave the world that I
know and I'm going to give the time and space
that my trauma to heal my trauma whatever it is.
Because the problem with trauma is people run away from is.
They lock it in a closet. They think it's going

(36:24):
to go away, right, and they're always confused why now
it happens so long ago. So when you give yourself
in patient time and care, you are actually saying to
the universey, I am going to take the time to
stop all the bullshit the distractions and work on it.
So people who really have been hiding things from their childhood,

(36:47):
maybe they don't even know what it is. Sexual abuse
sometimes is so unconscious, but you know when you're not
doing well and to finally get honest about it, check
in and just think of it like a spiritual journey.
I'm going to do this to become the best person
that I need to be because where I work talented healers.

(37:10):
I mean, it is a well oiled machine. You come
in there, you better know it's not going to be
the same. Sometimes I'll say, you want to run for
your life right now because you are not going to
be the same. Well, you're going to get all pieces
of the pie and you're going to have a great
life because you're finally doing what you need to do.

Speaker 2 (37:28):
I would say my experience at the Meadows Impatient Trauma Therapy,
there was scheduled downtime, so you really did like put
your life on pause and you couldn't contact the outside
world very often there is scheduled phone times, but they

(37:49):
had scheduled downtime where you could you know, you had
to resort to something either reading or doing arts and
crafts or playing pick a ball or connecting with other people.
And it was, I guess, part of the healing model
because it allowed your nervous system to relax at a

(38:13):
normal state where you could like feel like, Okay, this
is normal, and where it was before was so I
was so hyper vigilant, it was so chaotic. It was like,
you know, consistently just overwhelming. So it helped regulate your
nervous system to understand what normal really feels like.

Speaker 1 (38:38):
Yeah, so it's hard to sit still because the truth
comes in and you're not used to it. We're so
used to distraction, which brings me to the point about drinking.
There's so much drinking in the show.

Speaker 2 (38:51):
I know. I rewatched an episode of season ten, just
one episode, and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm
drinking so much much and it made me feel a
comfortable because I don't drink anymore, and so it was
just like, wow, I really was living a different lifestyle.

Speaker 1 (39:11):
Yes, because one of my questions for you was how
much of it has been drinking, because if you're drinking
a lot, you know, you lose your your groundedness, your
alignment to reality.

Speaker 2 (39:23):
Yeah, it's wild too. Now integrating that into my new lifestyle,
the not drinking and finding a community that likes to
party without alcohol, which is very cool that that's the thing.
I also realize that there are people that like to

(39:43):
party to obviously escape from reality, and that's probably the
most common way to do it. But for me, I
enjoy music so much and I love like a festival
experience that when I party, it's intentional to connect to

(40:04):
my higher power and to reconnect with myself. And I
got back into dancing and that has been something that
I've always loved doing because before, when I had such
social anxiety, I didn't have a way to express my
emotions and I was able to do that through dance.

(40:25):
So I feel like I'm like reconnecting to all of
those different parts of me. And it's very easy for
me to see now the people that are drinking and
partying to escape something that they're not dealing with, and
it's like major major red flag for me.

Speaker 1 (40:47):
Yeah, And it's about being authentic and being truthful and
living a truthful life and you know, committing to that
MM because the drinking is like life, it's things distract,
you know, and it's important when you That's why it's
so hard to sit still because you've got to sit
with yourself. You have to sit with your thoughts. And

(41:10):
so many people come in and said, my thoughts are racing.
So it's really important to I think looking at your
body as a computer you have control over. It's about
taking control of it all and again doing the work
on being authentic. It's a risk because maybe the rest
of the world isn't doing it, but so what as

(41:31):
long as you're doing it, then you become a role
model because you're like a shining light and people go ooh,
what do you do. You can't change anybody, right, you
can't save anybody, but you can invite them to join
you in that. So if you do it, you're walking
example and that is the best healing for women who

(41:51):
need it so much now especially.

Speaker 2 (41:54):
So a major misconception about recovery centers is that it's
just for alcohol or it's it's just for people that
have like major, major issues, which don't get me wrong,
I did have major issues. But could you explain the

(42:15):
different issues that you treat in a recovery center.

Speaker 1 (42:19):
Yes, first of all, I look at it. I look
at it so differently, like without shame and without guilt
about the drinking or the drugs. I look at it
as you're on your knees and now you could begin
to look up like it's an opportunity, a wake up call.
So the alcohol and the drugs brought you in maybe,
but then we open up everything that has ever bothered

(42:43):
you in your life. The issues we treat is trauma,
sexual abuse, mom and dad issues, relationship issues, anger issues.
Everything you could imagine is is. It's a real fest

(43:04):
of healing everything. And that's why have so many stories
because it's never boring. I mean, I'm doing this twenty years.
It's just unbelievable what happens to people, what they live with.
So you're saying, speaking up and saying the truth is
healing in itself. Speaking it out, ending denial and stop

(43:28):
running away is just so amazing. So whatever brought you there,
we work on everything that you need to become whole
and healed that you've been running from.

Speaker 2 (43:39):
The meadows had a very heavy codependency model, and basically
the theory is if the branches are all of the
things like alcoholism or using nicotine, or toxic relationships, gambling, drugs,

(44:07):
the trunk of the tree is codependency. That's how you
get to those points and the roots it's rooted in shame.
So it all boils down to shame as the main
thing that we have to address and look inward and
to start healing and be aware of our codependency, tendencies,

(44:33):
behavior patterns and break those and then you know it's
that is what heals the side effects, that are the
issues relationally that got you into a place like this.

Speaker 1 (44:49):
Right for me personally, I don't work with labels. I
know people come in and they go, you know, I've
been bipolar. I just go into the healing of it
with out the labels. It's kind of like Chinese medicine.
They don't care what you have. They just say get
on the table and won't fix it. So I'm more
about tracking exactly where you lost yourself, Like where you

(45:11):
lost your soul. It's probably I call it a soul wound.
It's probably age five or six. Something happened and you
you divide it against yourself and you lost yourself. You
never want to divide against yourself. I suck. I'm bad
slapping yourself. And that's why alcohol is dangerous and drugs
are dangerous because it brings up the shame which separates

(45:33):
you from yourself. So in healing, you want to be powerful,
come from a center point, and then fix it. You
don't want eternal punishment, so you know, pay the I
go pay the fine over and over again. We don't
want to do that. So that's where I brought in
soul healing to bring back your separation from self. And

(45:56):
once you do that, wow, life really change.

Speaker 2 (46:01):
If someone is thinking about checking themselves into a mental
health facility, what are some things that they should know?

Speaker 1 (46:13):
Life's not going to be the same. If you decide
to go on this journey, watch out because everything is
going to come. Let's say you want healthy love, every
let's say you're healing narcissism. Every narcissist will come to
your door and not going to ignore because you have
to say no, no, no, I'm not doing this anymore. Right, So,

(46:35):
if you go on this journey and you decide to
really do it, not fake, do it, really do it,
then everything that you need to heal is going to
come like a volcano and you have to be brave
enough to take it. So to get prepared and to
really commit to change, people may leave you. Friends may

(46:56):
leave you, You may your job may fire you. That that's
what it takes to get into the higher realms.

Speaker 2 (47:03):
Yeah, I would say it gets lonely. It gets lonely
after you leave a therapy impatient center because you know
you're choosing different friends, you're choosing a different lifestyle. Some
of your friends won't understand, and sometimes you'll have to move.

(47:29):
For me, I knew I needed to move because if
I stayed in the same location, I put myself at
risk for this person to come back into my life.
I was still so vulnerable. I needed to integrate everything
that I learned into my life before anything else. So

(47:51):
it's a process. What is the hardest stage in recovery
The beginning.

Speaker 1 (47:58):
The beginning is hard, the detox, the oh my god,
I've done this for so long. I can't believe I
did this for so long. Why didn't I do this sooner?
All the realizations that you have to go through at
the beginning is very tough. But once you settle in
and you start to see ooh, the aha moments, and

(48:21):
I try to do it as quickly as possible. Give
someone something where they go oh, yeah that aha, and
they go yeah, I want more of that, so I
try to move it as quickly as possible.

Speaker 2 (48:33):
Yeah, I feel like for me, you're talking about the
beginning the denial was so hard for me. Yes, like
accepting the reality of the situation and not living in
the fantasy because I wanted to believe something. Yeah, and

(48:56):
if it wasn't true, then it meant something about myself
that I wasn't ready to accept. And it was a
long process, and I knew I needed to stay longer
because I just got out of denial by the forty
five day mark. So I'm just like, I need to

(49:19):
keep working and like really apply this stuff to the
reality of the situation.

Speaker 1 (49:26):
Wow, that's incredible. And then when you finally did, it's
like radical acceptance, right, you know what, I did it. Yeah,
it's a moment of time where you just really have
to embrace and it's hard, and after that you go, Okay,
I did it.

Speaker 2 (49:45):
Yeah. It's hard because it's like you're grieving this situation,
this like world you created in your head of what
could have been that wasn't reality. It wasn't based in reality,
and so it's easier to grieve that, I think once
you realize that it's not based in reality. But it

(50:08):
still is a process.

Speaker 1 (50:10):
Even with love, like love is an illusion and there's
a honeymoon stage, the stage I want to call it
the heroin stage, and everything's great, but wait, it doesn't.
When you're educated that, it doesn't stay. It never stays
in stage one. It moves into reality stage where the
blindness ends. And that's hard to take. But if you
understand real love goes through these stages, then you know,

(50:31):
like these five stages of like, wow, you got to heal,
you got to get to know each other in reality,
you're good because you know it's that process, Like there's
always something, there's always a gift. So it's about transformation
and what you're gonna do with it and understanding that's
the process of life. Not to get stuck there. Oh

(50:53):
I did it. It's terrible. It's part of it. It's
part of the journey and it will serve you well, Rachel.
Everything you went through will help so many people, so
many people, I mean, so you've got to just keep

(51:13):
going into it. All transforms because drug addictions. Sometimes I
don't recognize some of my clients. I don't recognize them
because they're so changed, and it's amazing you did that.
It's hard to believe. And then they use it and
it gives them fuel. It's amazing.

Speaker 2 (51:35):
Yeah, how can you prevent someone from relapsing?

Speaker 1 (51:40):
I tell them they're going to want to drink the
moment or use drugs the moment they leave. Like, you
need to get down with reality, Like just because you've
been in therapy doesn't mean you're not going to want
to drink. You and accept it as part of it
so that you don't go, oh my god, I just
spent two months and I want like it's part of it.
It's always going to be that I call it or

(52:00):
venus fly trap. It's always going to be there and
if you get close to it, you know it's going
to get you. But understand, you're going to like if
you have to go to the airport, you're gonna want
to drink at the airport. You're don't want to drink
on the plane. Okay, say hello, there you are. I
know that you're going to do this to me and
not put so much shame. And you got to become
your own best friend in this process. People are so

(52:23):
hard on themselves. That has to stop. There's a whole
change in out of you addiction because I see it
as an amazing opportunity, a door opening. I don't have
shame and guilt around it. So some of the addicts
would go like, wow, like that's so refreshing. But I
really believe it. I really believe it because it's part

(52:44):
of your journey.

Speaker 2 (52:46):
Would you say you would recommend not drinking for everyone
that comes through a treatment facility.

Speaker 1 (52:55):
Yes, it's like having good food and having juice. You know,
it's good for you. It's good to breathe and have
fresh air and get the mind. The mind has to
get back to itself, you know, so of course. And
also it's an activator. It'll it'll if you start doing that,

(53:17):
even though let's say it wasn't your issue, it'll it
sort of will bring you to other issues again, Like
and you can't lie to yourself about it. Yeah, you
know what I mean, look at it differently and see
that you don't just want to be sober, you want
to have a great life.

Speaker 2 (53:34):
Yes, yeah, I feel like it just lowers your inhibitions.
You know, it's much easier to get like sloppy and make.

Speaker 1 (53:43):
Most does that's a fact. Like you think it's so
great because you're in the illusion of like, wow, that's
so great, but you have to go to the worst
thing that happened to you and so that you understand,
you're not drinking your first drink. You're drinking your worst nightmare,
but you hate the most.

Speaker 2 (54:03):
Okay, I have one last question for you. If someone
can't afford a facility, what is the next best option?

Speaker 1 (54:12):
Go to aa NA, Go people in groups. It's wonderful,
talk about it, do it for free. Go get a sponsor,
begin to talk about it and go just take a step.

Speaker 2 (54:28):
Yeah. So there's alcoholics anonymous, narcotics anonymous, codependency anonymous or CODA.
There's even gamblers anonymous or overspending. There's love and sex addiction.
And with the love and sex addiction part, I think
a lot of people want to deny the sex part

(54:50):
because there is shame surrounding that. But I think clarifying
that you confuse sex for love and intensity for intimacy,
and that is the sex part of the sex and
love addiction.

Speaker 1 (55:06):
Right. So the also the thing is when you're working
with people, you have to be real and I just
want to say the fact that you've been through something
and experience something that's that's a lot people can trust
your journey and I just want to say that there's

(55:26):
so much ahead of you because of what you're doing.
Even doing this, you really need to know that. Like
it helps so many people to see how you've you know,
taken to this. It's healing in itself, so inspiring and
that's what heals.

Speaker 2 (55:45):
Thank you well, Thank you so much for joining me
today and giving your expertise. And it's been a pleasure
having you and getting to know you. And if people
want to follow you on Instagram or social media, where
can they do that at the Audrey Hope Excellent. Thank
you so much, Audrey Hope. Thank you so much for

(56:13):
listening to Rachel Goes Rogue. Follow us on Instagram and
TikTok for exclusive video content at Rachel gos Rogue Podcast