Everyone has been there at a family or friend gathering…. That awkward moment of silence in a conversation, followed by uncomfortable laughter or even a topic you don’t want to discuss. Amy and T.J. have some expert tips on how to become a “topic manager” and learn to become a “responsive listener.” We even share an amazing list of holiday themed icebreakers that you can keep in your back pocket to make all of your conversations fun, meaningful and memorable.
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Episode Transcript
Hey there, everybody, Merry Christmas. It is Thursday, December twenty fifth,
and we hope you are enjoying time with your family.
Although this is a time where you get family on steroids.
A lot of time maybe with your close family members,
but also with your extended family and maybe some of
their friends and neighbors. And there's a lot of small talk,
(00:23):
a lot of catching up to do. Sometimes things can
get awkward. Sometimes you can get into conversations you would
like to get out of. Well, we have some tips
so you can avoid some of that awkward small talk
and actually enjoy the conversations. It begins, though, teach with
being ready to be a topic manager, a topic manager.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
You have to go into your own family with a plan.
That's okay. First of all, that's a problem with a
you call it what a a say again, a topic
manager topic manager.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
There's saying you should be prepared to be a topic
manager if the family correct, correct, because if you have
topics ready to divert to, if you've actually prepared slightly
before you walk into this family party. Look between now
Christmas Day and New Year's Day, it is almost certain
most of you listening will be in some sort of
family function, some sort of extended family function, or a
(01:20):
party of some sort where you don't know everybody that well,
or you're trying to catch up and you know that
moment where people start talking politics, or they start gossiping,
or there's just those weird You've been in these conversations
with long pauses. People are nervously laughing, people are looking around,
they don't know what to say next. Have you ever
been in like a combo like that? You know me,
(01:42):
You're you're a topic manager without even realizing it. Yeah, yeah, okay,
So the experts I actually went to several different sources
to try and find some tips on how to have
a wonderful conversation no matter who you're talking with, no
matter where you are, and for how long. Their first
piece of advice be confident, jump in and change the subject.
(02:05):
They say research has found people who switch topics frequently,
and they say even once every minute had more satisfying conversations.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Switch conversation is just conversation. I get what we're saying here,
but yeah, I mean other people have I mean a
lot of people do have this difficulty. But it sounded
like you were saying, like in the middle of a
conversation going on that's not going well, you just jump
in and say, hey, let's talk about something else.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Yes, And you want to know how you do that?
The first good subject to try when you're switching the
conversation if things get awkward or things get uncomfortable. The
best questions or topic starters invite people to talk about
what they love, whether that's food, movies, pets. But you
turn the topic to them, and usually that brightens up
(02:51):
the mood right away, because people's favorite subject is almost
always themselves.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Yeah, you see me sit back and do this day
and day out and let people talk about themselves and
I listen, I'm paying attention, and really it can. It
changes people's moods. Don't just do it. You listen to them,
You ask a follow up about something they say, and
it really you should use that tool throughout your life.
Just look somebody in the eye and listen and pay
attention and ask about them. She shows you care.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Yeah, And it's not about being manipulative, it's not about
avoiding it really is. It works in multiple ways because
not only does it keep the conversation going, it keeps
things moving along and less awkward, but people do feel
that sense of fellowship that wow, this person does care
about me and care about my life. It's not just
(03:40):
how you're doing. That's the worst thing they say. You
can ask how are you doing? Because everyone, almost everyone
is going to say fine, and if they say something
like not so great, it's a big wanmp wall. So
you should never say how are you doing? You should
say something like, you know, what is your daughter up
to these days? Or have you seen any good movie lately? Man?
(04:00):
They've been all flops onl end whatever. So you're inviting
them to share a specific story about their life.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
And it helps if you if you know a little
bit about what's going on. Again, to your point, you
just say how you're doing, You give somebody an opportunity
to well go a bunch of directions. But if you
you know something's going on with them, maybe they've got
a promotion at work, maybe they're maybe their college team
is in the college football playoff? Right, if you directed,
(04:27):
that is one that's always a go to. Yes, sports.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Yes, Look, we have been in so many mixed like
mixed company, like we've been traveling around the country and
we've been with your folks and my folks. But it's
been cool. You even pointed out so many folks in Arkansas.
The first thing they say, how are your dog? Like?
Can't how are you feeling about your dogs? Like? Just
getting specific and sweet, but a cute, wonderful thing to
know that they care, They know a little nugget about you,
(04:51):
and they invite a really wonderful Yeah. It does make
you feel good. It absolutely makes you feel good to
hear that.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
All right.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Number three, you just touched on it. This is the
piece of advice. It seems obvious, but this is really important.
Make once you've asked all these questions and you're engaged,
make sure you're actually listening to their responses. And I
have had to try to focus on this more. And
research shows during a conversation, your mind wanders nearly a
(05:19):
quarter of the time, So twenty five percent of the
time while someone else is talking, your mind is wandering.
Maybe you're thinking about your life, maybe you're thinking about
what the next thing is. You might want to ask them,
but you're not listening. And I know that I have
gotten caught doing this where you actually find yourself wandering.
So they actually give you tips on how to practice
(05:41):
what they call responsive listening.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
I don't know what that might mean. Okay, well this
is this is a big, big deal and I love
that they're giving this advice and we are sharing it here.
But this should apply to your life every single day.
It is the I don't know what you know? I
got it, now gonna say right, I got I learned
this early on.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Now I want to know where you got it.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
It was a trick I learned from a politician because
I was so impressed by this particular politician that it
doesn't matter how big of a room he was in.
When he's talking to you, you feel like you are
the most important person on planet Earth to this important person.
And I studied and I paid attention to that, and
(06:26):
I always wanted to be like that. You can change
somebody's day and move. I told you about the woman
in FedEx yesterday. What she was in an awful being
a cold just every time. Who knows what was going on.
And I was relentless in being nice to her and
looking at her in the eye, asking her about her day.
She was wearing an elf outfit, she was in angry elf.
(06:49):
By the end of it, she was the happiest Elf
you've ever seen. It changed her mood by somebody being
interested in asking questions. Man, I beg everybody to do this.
When people are talking, grab a nugget in there and
follow up on it and they'll go, wow, they were
paying attention.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
Okay, so you just hit it. Okay, So and look,
this is something to your point that you should You
can learn now as you're walking into some of these parties,
but take with you every day of your life. Here
is what responsive listening is. Use a verbal response. It
could be a joke, but it needs to build on
something that person just said. You can paraphrase what they
(07:25):
said before you move on, but a verbal confirmation, even
of exactly just letting them know I heard what you
just said, and then a follow up question from what
they just said shows you're paying attention. So you may
have something you want to add, Oh my, this is
my problem, and I think a lot of people have this.
You want to relate, right, you're like, oh my god,
that happened to me, or but what ends up being
(07:47):
received is you've just changed the subject back to yourself.
And that is something I have had to catch myself
doing and I have to say no instead of me
saying how it relates back to me, go ahead and
ask a follow up about what they just said. So get.
We say this all the time, GET and I have
to constantly remind myself this is a muscle you have
(08:07):
to flex to build. But hopefully it then becomes second
nature because you are genuinely interested in that person. But
instead of getting going back to yourself or maybe getting
a ask a follow up, get curious, ask another question,
let them know you heard that.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
You know. Sometimes and this is not manipulative, but it
does help its people. You don't have to stop the
conversation and ask a full question. If somebody's talking and
they're talking about their friend and then she was out
at that and a oh the one from last year. Okay,
go ahead, like you get some clarity and something they're saying.
It shows that you're paying attention to every little nugget
that they're saying, and it oh, you just engage. I
(08:44):
love this is great. We should do this one in
a separate episode. But yes, I love, love love that
this could possibly help you at Christmas dinner, at.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Christmas dinner and in life, in everything you do. I
think it's so cool. All right, So when we come
back I'm really excited about this. They actually have I
had to go to a couple different places to find
some suggested Christmas icebreakers if you're nervous about Okay, I
don't even know how to start this conversation or what
to say when I walk up to somebody I don't
know that Well, they actually have a list of some
(09:13):
suggested Christmas icebreakers when you're in the holiday mode of
being at some family gathering. So we're gonna I'm gonna
ask you some of them, babe, and see how our
conversation goes when we come back and welcome back everyone
(09:35):
to this Christmas edition of Amy and TJ. And we
assume most of you have been spending a lot of
time with family, extended family, friends, going to parties, and
I'm sure that's going to continue from this day all
the way to New Year's. But we have some actual
fun Christmas icebreakers that were suggested for folks who might
(09:56):
feel a little nervous or a little shy about being
that bold person who jumps in and starts a conversation
or at least directs a conversation when it starts to
get awkward or strange. So I am going to try
them out on you, babe and see how it works.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
You're trying out the some.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
Of the Christmas icebreakers. Yeah, like we can just kind
of role play here, like we're in a conversation. I
don't know you that well. You know, we're meeting up
again after being not having seen each other for a while,
so you know, just we're talking.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Okay, So I'm still weird Christmas dinner? Yeah, yeah, okay,
and we are we related.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Well whatever, We're just you know, we're loosely acquainted.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
Loosely acquainted, okay, not that close. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
I wouldn't have to ask some of these questions if
we knew each other intimately, all right, because that's not
what this is for. This is for people who you
kind of know, all right, all right, So so do
I respond, Yeah, sure, I'd love to hear you. You
could just keep it quick so you know, it's so funny,
you know, the holidays bring back so many memories. Do
you remember your first your what's your first holiday memory?
Speaker 2 (10:54):
And so I should just answer that, yeah, my first
holiday memory, I don't know, but the ones that always
stick with me I Granddad's house and him sitting in
the chair and I was getting the gifts as kids,
and he's just holding court. That's what I remember most
from my Christmases as a child.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Okay, and so I'm gonna move on. But normally I
would follow up with that guy's based on what we
were just suggesting. Everyone. Okay, Oh my gosh, everyone has
a funny story about this. I want to hear yours.
When was the first moment or woul do you remember
when you first learned that Santa doesn't exist?
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Oh? Well, apparently you should keep your voice down, and
that's bullshit. We have kids in the in the house here.
Can we take this outside?
Speaker 1 (11:31):
All right? That's funny, but you don't have you don't
have a memory, by the way, uh, when you first learned?
Speaker 2 (11:37):
I still believe in Santa. Oh okay, that is not
a joke. I have always, for whatever reason, as a kid,
understood the fantasy of it. And you gotta believe in something.
You gotta believe in something, and I absolutely do. I
am I don't even have a chimney here. Obviously nobody's
coming down the chimney. I get that, but there's something
I always embrace about that fantay. You have to believe
(12:00):
in magic, at some point in your life.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
That's really cool. I don't know how you're gonna answer
this one, but hey, so all right, everybody's got their
favorite Christmas food, et cetera. Do you have a favorite
Christmas cookie?
Speaker 2 (12:13):
I think probably just sugar cookies. I would have to
go with sugar cookies. But if I was making something percent,
I would make oatmeal raisin because that's my favorite cookie.
What's the place of love?
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Oh? I can't remember the name of it because I
try to avoid it all costs. Yes, that is the
name of it. Money face places are amazing.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Oatmeal raisin. We might need to go over that.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
We do share a love of oatmeal raisin cookies. Not Christmas,
thank God, because we would probably do it. You're like,
it's Christmas, we should just you know, treat ourselves. This
is an interesting one. Just this. I love this as
a conversation starter. Tell me what the best present was
that you ever got the best present?
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Okay? I think I got a Nintendo one year.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
Isn't it funny what you remember?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I don't remember Christmas gifts. I don't. I'm trying to
think of some mage as a thing. Obviously, you and
I have recent years when I'm trying to think back,
usually it's.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
A childhood gets because it had such an emotional impact
on you.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Can I think I got castle a gray skull one
year you.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
Said Nintendo though, that's that's the first thing that came
to your mind. So that's interesting. And also the fact
that you don't remember all of your gifts. We could
have done a whole episode on that, because that's the truth.
We put so much effort, we get so stressed out
about what gifts we choose, and then most of the
time nobody remembers them anyway. All right, If you could
spend the holidays in any location, where would it be?
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I think in a snowy New York.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Wow, the day Christmas Day that was last year.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
I wanted to be I want to be home. I'm
going to be close to home. I want to be
in my living room. I want the kids to wake up.
I want to I want that whole feeling in the morning.
After that we can bounce to warmer clients. But there's
something about the kids got to wake up Christmas morning
at home.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
That's very cool. I love that. Here's kind of a
random thought starter. Would you rather eat a candy cane
that tastes like a turkey, or a turkey that tastes
like a candy cane.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
I'm going to find somebody I'll say Christmas to talk
to and he don't ask that question.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Okay, that one flopped. This one might flop too, which
is Scrooge's Ghosts was the most effective.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Scrooge's Ghosts.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
You don't even know Christmas Carol, the movie There's the
Ghost of Christmas, past, past, present, future, there's Yeah, There's
the Ghost of Christmas.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Was most effective.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
I haven't seen the movie in forty years, so you know,
I don't know. I'm gona have to get back to you.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Scratch scratch that one. Okay, those last two felt a
little forced. Yeah, anyway, these were some of the lists.
But I do think that that conversation went well. It
was fun. I actually learned a few things about you.
So if you can kind of keep some of those
in your back pocket, just those are the ideas where
you get specific. You ask somebody about something in their life.
It's thought provoking, and it creates a conversation that's in
(15:00):
enjoyable and interesting, and you learn something about the person
you're standing next.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Nothing offensive in those and you you did all those first.
I didn't think about them at all. I had to
give some thought and thinking back to other Christmas memories
that we're fun. Yes, those are actually affective. We should
list those? Possibly aren't those?
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Yes? Those are cool? Because also, did you feel like
someone actually was interested in you beyond just the superficial.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Well, sitting across from you, I always feel cared for
and seeing you.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Aw, thanks Fabe, I appreciate that. But anyway, we're hoping
that this not only helps you during this holiday season,
this week where everybody's in and out of your lives
and people you haven't seen in a while. Perhaps, but
maybe this is something you can take with you three
hundred and sixty five days a year. But we hope
you all have a merry, merry Christmas. Thank you for
(15:47):
listening to us. As always, I'm Amy Roboch alongside TJ. Holmes.
We will talk to you soon.
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