December 19, 2022 • 41 mins
Domestic violence happens more often that it’s discussed, which is every three seconds in America, to be exact. Tracy and Cara share their own shocking stories of verbal and physical abuse, and they welcome Jenny Bean to tell her story of surviving and leaving her abusive relationship. PLUS, therapist Alice Gresham breaks down how not to break down during the holiday season using one magic word: “No!”
This episode discusses stories of domestic abuse. If you or a loved one needs help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233, or text “START” to 88788, or visit thehotline.org.
Learn more from Alice Gresham on Tik Tok
Hosts Information:
Cara Pressley
@thecareercheerleader Cara’s Instagram
@TheCareerCheerleader Cara’s Facebook
@the1cheering4U Cara’s Twitter
@FeelinSuccessful Cara’s TikTok
Tracy T. Rowe
@tracytrowe Tracy’s Instagram
@troweandco Tracy’s Facebook
@tracytrowe Tracy’s Twitter
@tracytrowe Tracy’s TikTok
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode discusses stories of domestic abuse. If you are
a loved one needs help, contact the National Domestic Violence
Hotline at eight hundred seven nine nine seven two three
three or text start to eight eight eight eight, or
visit the hotline dot org. Hey y'all, Hey, what's up?
(00:21):
And welcome to Let's Red Table that I'm Tracy t
Row and I'm Calledra Pressley. Listen. Like the rest of
the season, we are back to the tough topics and
have a pretty tough episode ahead of us today. But
I'm still feeling successful about it. How are you feeling, Tracy?
You know what, I'm happy to hear that you're successful.
You know I am. I am grateful. I am everyday
(00:43):
amazing of course, but also grateful because we're talking about
domestic violence and this upcoming episode that we're going to
talk about has some hard hitting stuff in it, Like
she all went through it and then it was just her,
It was her mom, her sister and all the other
family members that we didn't talk about being in a
(01:06):
position where you go through something, when you're in a unit,
when you go through it, everybody goes through it, whether
you know they're going through it or not right, and
so to have them at the table and to be
able to share that and be in support of Shia
was really positive. They let shea have her space at
(01:26):
the table first, just come on out here, tell your story,
not just a Shaunty's little sister led by a shanty,
and then the mom and then this is They just
let her have her moment at the table to really
relate and really just get it out in her way.
It's super therapeutic. That's why I'm excited about our guest
today as well. We get to talk to someone who's
also gone through it because it's a different experience. It's
(01:48):
you're always on the outside looking in. And I fortunately
have not had to experience something as physical as what
everyone has. I've dealt with someone verbally abusive. I mean
that of course has levels to it, verbal abusive teacher
or coach to actual partner, but of course that physical
hits another level. So I'm gonna tell you something, And
we haven't had a lot of opportunity to talk about abuse,
(02:10):
but Cara, so many people have had physical, emotional, and
verbal abuse in their life. And I am no exception. Okay,
I was in a relationship forever and ever ago, and
it was physical, and I remember that it wasn't as
violent as what we saw on this episode, but it
(02:33):
was violent enough for me and for me to have
not immediately left. And like Sia and like so many others,
I didn't tell my family. I shielded and protected the abuser,
and I did get to a point. It didn't take
me seven times, but I did get to a point
where I left, And that was really the catalyst for
(02:54):
me leaving Michigan and moving back to Memphis, in addition
to being able to support my dad through some health issues.
But it was a fantastic opportunity. Okay, But I want
you to know it got to the point for me
where it was literally either I'm gonna go to jail
or I'm going to go to the more listen, and
(03:14):
I need more than four walls, Okay. So I appreciate
that you decided that you didn't like eat any of
those four walls situations, it was time to go. And
so I completely empathize with Shia and all of the
other people, and including our guest today. You just think
about it could happen to anybody. Yes, nobody's exempt. That's
(03:36):
the interesting part because I am happy we have the
guest today because more people do need to share their
story so that you know that you're not alone out there.
You know so many people who think that they're alone.
I don't care if you gotta speed and ticket this morning.
You think you're alone and you're the only one and
the world's picking on you. But I promise you're not alone,
and we're really here to help each other. So I
had an opportunity to sit down. I had dinner with
(03:58):
the abuser some year years after the fact. I did
because I had to. It was a healing process for me.
But I also realized that I had to let go
of some unforgiveness because I was holding onto it and
it was just like the baggage that I was carrying
when I was in the midst of it, right, and
I let go of it, and I had to say, look,
I want to apologize for my part in this toxicity.
(04:21):
I want to forgive you and know that I played
a part in this, whatever the part was, even if
it was just being the victim of it. And I
know people are gonna say, what do you mean you apologize,
But I'm saying for me, you understand what I'm saying
that it was to let me off the hook emotionally,
to say, Okay, I'm not only healed from it physically,
(04:43):
I'm healing from it emotionally and I can release you
and surrender my unforgiveness of it. And we don't really
talk about that. And the great criscept Michelle made one
song that talked about it. Blame it on said, blame
it on me, please. I felt that's a in my spirit.
I did not have a final dinner. I didn't have
a last supper. I applaud your last supper, but baby,
(05:07):
I said, blame it on me, and I left another
looked back. So I understand the need for that closure,
not to do thing. It looks different for all of us.
So I'm gonna tell you what it looks Okay, can
we talk about it? And looks different for the person
I was web to let me tell you what. Carl.
She had to nerve to tell me what do you
mean see? And I was like, hanckle, Jacqueline, how are
(05:31):
you talking about? We're we're in the same chad. We're
fighting in the closet, fighting the bedroom, fighting in the
dining room, fighting the living room. You're talking about you
don't know. So see this goes back to what we're
talking about. These people who are narcissistic, they just have
these blackouts, and let's talk about let's be honest, Like
I think there are a lot of people who enter
(05:51):
a relationship with a certain ideal absolutely and then we never,
of course, until we never think about, well, how did
you grow up? Are you used to violence? Abuse, loud noises,
I don't know, like to sit in silence sometimes? Right,
it literally could go from eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner
to a person who's one meal a day, like something
(06:12):
so small a nuance of how we just maybe are
not in alignment. Of course, it's a drastic distance when
we're really talking about this domestic violence and abuse, right, um,
but still there are differences. Yet I shared that not
only to be fully transparent and let the listeners know.
So y'all hear me, beautiful, bright future, positive, sunny outlook.
(06:32):
Happy to support other people. I do it as a
business now to help people affirm themselves. But I was
in that thing. See, I was in that thing. And
she a beautiful, talented she, but she was in it.
And so it happens to all of us, and she
did get her moment. She did get her moment at
the table, and I was grateful for that. And being
(06:54):
the sister you mentioned this, being the sister of someone
who's a superstar celebrity like Ashanti had his own challenges.
That part. She mentioned that she tapped into it at
the table of just I didn't even realize because Number
one Foolish, that whole album, it was self titled Ashanti,
but the Foolish was a song on that album that
(07:14):
came out. I'll never forget because I had just had
my son, but I didn't realize her sister was thirteen.
I remember her sister speaking on the album and talking
and I was just like, wow, Tom has definitely passed us.
Let me just do a quick shout out to Jada,
Gamby and Willow season five, y'all have taught us some
stuff this season. Do we not have some turns? We
(07:37):
got all the language. I can see me now my
next relationship, like number one, you will not gas like me.
No love, no love bombing, no breadcrumbing, no dumping. There's
so many phrases, but baby, we're gonna be healed and
whole moving forward right and we're happy that she is
in the process of her own healing and wholeness journey.
(07:59):
To shout out to you, Shia and for your support
from your beautiful mother and sister Ashanti. And I'm gonna
say this, I'm grateful that they went to therapy. That
she said that the four of them went to therapy,
and that was something. Remember Ashanti was like, oh no,
but I love that. She said, but my sister ain't good,
(08:20):
so this is good for her, It's gonna be good
for me. Like that is the part two that people
need to understand. And family like said, I'm fine, we know,
but I love that she said, maybe let me just
go anyway. Yeah, as a family, as a whole unit.
She got the support she needed and that's what so
(08:41):
many other people want, is the support. So bravo to them,
Bravo to the Douglas family. Now it's time to share
with our online Red Table Talk community has to say
about this episode. Candice Denis said, as a domestic abuse survivor,
I can't describe the feeling I have watching this. I
(09:02):
pray for her continuous healing and spreading her story. I
love that because healing is definitely ongoing in this situation.
So thank you Kadis Steph Beaten, thank you for your
comment and all the love and support you said. My
beautiful daughter has just come through the same kind of
trauma and it has devastated our little family, but we
(09:23):
are standing strong and united. We are a long way
off fixed, but we are headed in a positive direction now.
Big love from Australia, our t t family, Big love
right back to you. We love that and see the
truly people all over the world, over the world listening.
We appreciate y'all last, but certainly not least. Danielle Langford said,
(09:46):
I wish there was a therapist at the table to
offer hope and resolutions for those watching needing help now.
So sorry she experienced such trauma. Listen, we are all
sorry that. I think anytime we hear stories to this magnitude,
we all wish we could save them or fix them.
But I just need y'all know it's hoping help on
the other side. But your comment it was and it
(10:09):
would have been great to have had a therapist perspective
just to kind of support them through that and then
to help us through it because there are other people
who are learning as they go with the table with
every episode, we're gonna take a quick break, but when
we get back, we'll be joined by our incredible guests
from the Red Tabletop community. We're excited to welcome Jenny
(10:33):
Bean to Let's Red table Back. Although I'm super excited
because she is someone I personally know the topic with
which we're discussing, is not that excited because Jenny, like Sheia,
is a domestic violence survivor, and she's here today to
share her story and help others who have experienced or
who are experiencing this now feel less alone and less ashamed,
(10:54):
because domestic violence is never the fault of the victim.
Thank you so much for being here with us and
being willing to share your story, and welcome again to
the Let's Red table Back Virtual table. Jenny, Thank you.
Thank you so much, Car and Tracy for having me.
I'm so excited to be here. We're excited to have
you here. This is the part of the show where
(11:23):
we reveal which moments made us pause, rewind and listen again. Wait, wait,
and there were on this episode that we're gonna get into.
I know we're gonna help somebody as we get into
these let me just jump into it. This is probably
one of the most powerful moments when she had called
herself irresponsible for going back to her abuser, and Jada
(11:45):
gam and Willow all stopped and corrected her. Prior to this,
I had had a miscarriage, and so it was I
believe a play on my mind because I wanted to
had a child and have a family. Looking back, it
was irresponsible on my behalf. She When we love people,
(12:14):
we really want to believe that they can change. Don't
beat yourself up for that. Listen. This was an important
reminder that everyone's story is more complicated than we might think,
and it's never okay to victim blame. Bless her heart.
How did y'all feel about that? I think I feel
what she's saying, but irresponsible. I feel like it's more
(12:37):
maybe like shame or shameful that you went back, And
I feel like that's why Jada again and Willow stopped here, like,
don't call yourself irresponsible or don't even blame. Did you
did you feel like maybe when you were in your
situation before you you know how they say hi insight
while you were in it, were you even blaming yourself
for making excuses? And then you got away and we're like,
(12:58):
you know what, I was right. I knew I should
have moved in this direction, and now I know, like,
as they say, when you know better, do better. Did
you feel that at all? I think it's hard in
the moment you're blinded. I don't know that I blamed
myself initially, but the more your nic domestic violence always
(13:19):
comes with manipulation. Also, you justify or you rationalize, like, Okay,
maybe if I had done something differently, or maybe if
I didn't do this, it wouldn't have triggered that, or
it wouldn't provoked that. I shouldn't have said this to
keep it going. I'm a woman and this is a
grown man older than me, and I wasn't going to
(13:43):
accept blame for his actions. But I justified or tried
to rationalize why he did what he did and what
my part in it was. The other way. What moments
was when she has shared that her abuser not to
teeth out. After she simply asked like, what are you
doing coming home at seven o'clock, he gas lighted her.
(14:06):
I kind of came came back to and I'm like,
I see the blood, and I was in so much shock. Like,
it's like, it's unthinkable. It's unthinkable. It's like you you
hit me, you you broke my teeth. And he was like, no,
I didn't know. I didn't you. You hit your face
on the railing, You hit your face. I pushed you
(14:29):
and you hit you. So in that moment, he was
trying to manipulate what even had occurred. And a lot
of what we've learned this gas lighting goes hand in
hand with this. So when you say that you weren't
trying to justify it, but you were trying to rationalize
and reason with it. What amount of gas lighting do
(14:50):
you think played a part in that? So you can't
do one without the other, right, I don't feel like
you can be a victim of just the violent part.
You're also a victim of the mental and the emotional
part as well. By the physical abuse is what sticks
out the most. So oddly enough, I too actually have
had my front teeth knocked out and not completely but
(15:15):
broken in half. For the abuser it's physical, but for
the victim it is physical, but more than anything is
again the mental and emotional. So the gas lighting is
what is like the bull constructor around you that makes
you tolerate the physical, because the physical will heal. I
(15:38):
got a new bottom teeth, right, it goes away. But
you replay the mental, You replay the emotional, you replay
the words, you replay that part of it. It could
be a simple question with no tone to your voice,
no attitude, no neck world, no I roll while you're
saying it. You approach them as if they're actually somebody
worthy to be approached because you're already on eggshells. And
(16:02):
nine times out of tenants because she was right, or
it's because she called him on his bs, or because
she saw through the gas lighting and had something to
say about it, or the question was going to have
to require an honest answer, and instead they deflect. And
that was the deflection because what she's gonna say now,
(16:23):
she's got a teeth knocked out and she saw down
in hit her head. Didn't do that to the conversation
is over anything to take it off of them, And
that completely ends the question, right, and yeah, and there
is no conversation. That's all that was said. That was it,
And then I met you. She won't ask him again,
and then guess what that allows him to come home
at seven am again because last time she asked, why
(16:45):
are you coming home? At seven? She knows what happened.
She has a daily reminder, a mental and emotional scar
of a reminder, and she won't ask no more. Going
to this last wait, what she has said that she
doesn't use the language of victim and survivor anymore. And
I think that's like a way she's trying to reclaim
her own power. It feels like to me, I wanted
(17:06):
she wants to change the narrative or direct the narrative,
and maybe even not saying she's like the other survivors
or victims. I think she just wants to be transparent
for her stories. It's interesting that you don't want to
use the word victim and survivor because I look at
it like this, So when you're labeling yourself as a
victim or survivor, in order for you to truly heal,
(17:30):
you have to detach from that narrative that this was
an experience that's taught me. This is an experience that
I've now risen above. So you're taking your power back
in that way. Jenny, what terms do you feel are
the truest or which terms empower you? Being someone who
has also gone through a similar situation. I spent a decade,
(17:52):
an entire decade, from the time I was seventeen until
twenty seven with the same parson, the same abusic. I
have two children with him that are teenagers. Now, I
just really came through a whole ten years of some
really tragic things. That is not for the week, but
(18:16):
to agree with she, I have never been like, oh yeah,
I'm a domestic violence survivor. I am a victim of
domestic violence. I have shared my story and I have
talked openly about it. I have absolutely no shame and
what happened to me and how long I stayed and
what I tolerated or I left and went Literally what
(18:39):
fit the statistics of you leave seven times before you
stay gone? I left and went back eight times. I
don't like the terms honestly, victim or survivor because I
feel like that enables people to look at you like
the sympathy. No, I totally get that that you want
to you identify that it was ten years in your
(19:01):
life's journey, but it was not the same total of
your life. Let's continue to talk about this whole episode
as a whole. I know we talked about some pieces
and moments, but overall, what did you think of this episode?
How did you guys feel about it? I can tell
(19:22):
you I have a lot of respect for women that
are open and are vulnerable to share their experiences with
domestic violence. I am grateful that it was at the
table because it's important for people to see that even
though you may be the sister of or the person
(19:42):
connected to a celebrity, or that you're living some kind
of lifestyle that people think on the outside end, you
can have horrible traumas happening to you. I honestly feel
like one it's not openly spoken on enough and regular
everyday call ver stations. I feel like women are timid
(20:03):
to bring it up. And I'll be honest, it took
me a long time, and it took me, I think,
just life experiences to develop kind of the confidence or
mindset and attitude that this is what happened to me,
because I was embarrassed and I was ashamed because anyone
and everyone who has not gone through it, if someone
knocked your teeth out, you're calling them off. It's not
(20:25):
the same with your love or your spouse and your partners.
I want to know more about what's happened. You started day,
you said, from seventeen to seven. So you started day
in your X when you were seventeen and you were
together for that full decade. When did the abuse begin?
And what point did you realize you were being abused?
So at seventeen, I'm he was five years older than me.
(20:48):
I moved away to go to college. And when I
moved away to go to college, he was totally separate
from what I was used to or what I had
gone up around what I had been used to, just
like wood me off my feet because he was a
little bit older, he kind of knew what to do,
he knew what to say. He was very smooth, very
much to play with it, and it was it just
like you were so deep before you really knew it.
(21:11):
And during that time frame there was no physical abuse,
there was no none of that going on. His charming
and love bombing you and just very much yea similar
to like narcissic behavior. You know what we found. I mean,
just from this season alone for Red Table Talk, Jenny,
so many people have an underlying common denominator of narcissism.
(21:35):
So at what point did the abuse start? How many
years in probably about six months. What was Do you
remember what the first incident was? So it doesn't start
off like super tough, right, So we were actually like
hanging out with friends at their apartment. It was kind
of like a college town and stuff like that. I
was in college, and so he brought his friends and
(21:57):
cousin and then I had too my girlfriends with me,
and so we're just a group hanging out and so
one on one. I couldn't honestly tell you what instigated
the issue. I can't remember, I truly can't, But I
remember specifically him asking like can he talk to me,
and pulling me to aside in one of the rooms
in the home, and when he got in there, he
(22:17):
shut the door and then he just smacked the life
out of me to where I just fell to the ground.
Didn't say anything right away, didn't tell me what the
issue was, didn't I mean, I was caught so off guard.
I had never had hands laid on me before ever,
and so I was so overwhelmed and so shocked, and
(22:42):
it was like I froze. I was so numb, like
smacked me hard enough to knock me to the ground,
and I didn't know. I didn't know how to react.
I didn't know what to think of what to say.
And I remember being on the floor just like curling
myself up and bawling because my for one, it did her.
I had never been hit like that before in my face,
(23:03):
and I just remember being like scared to the pit
of my stomach. He waited a minute and then got
down on the ground with me and held me and
consoled me. I was like, I'm so sorry. You made me.
You made me, Yeah, this is what happened. You made
me mad. It was because I was talking too much.
(23:23):
So one of the dudes that he brought with him
and so or that's what his excuse was for it,
and he overreacted and he's sorry and he loves me,
and so then I was like, oh, so he was
jealous of me talking to someone else. He does love me,
he does care about me. I've never had anyone get
(23:46):
so angry with me over talking to someone else. And
so I was like, in a sick way, took it
as like flattering, right, absolutely, And I even want you
to say in a way, just like the moment at
the table, like you loved him. That was it. And
he was abusing that that privilege. You know, it's a
(24:07):
privilege to to love on each other, and unfortunately he
knew how to manipulate it. This might be a perfect
time to tax me talk a little bit about what
did you envision your future with your ex to look
like I was gonna love him through his hurdles and
his habits, and then we would look back on it
(24:28):
someday like, oh, we made it through so much right.
And so I kept holding on to that delusional fantasy
even through ten years that he was going to change,
and it didn't change. It got worse. So it went
from a slap on the face to me actually having
to go to Alter and Support to buy tattoo cover
(24:49):
up makeup to cover the bruises on my face to
go to work, or the bruises on my neck to
go to work, or having to call in because my
jaw was who swollen to go to work. I am
glad that you are out of that situation. Is a
part of your story. Tell us what your future looks
like now that you are a part What dreams do
(25:11):
you have for your future self? And what dreams are
you accomplishing. I don't know if you had told me
I was as far as I am now doing what
I'm doing now, I would have probably laughed because I
didn't think that I was capable of doing more and
doing better because again, and I keep referring to it,
the mental and emotional last with you, right, I just
(25:34):
had a and I'm not going to lie to you.
I am actively seeking therapy from a specialized therapist in
this area because what happens is it's like a chemical disregulation.
And so, after so many years of the trauma, whether
it's physical, emotional, mental, sexual, whatever it is, your nervous
(25:57):
system become so disregulated. It is literally like you are
a drug addict. And so you get so addicted to
the disregulation and the dysfunction that if it is not chaos,
and if it is not suffering or painful, you feel
like something is off, which is the opposite of how
(26:19):
we're intended to live. And so, and your body remembers
the trauma, it holds it, and it shifts you. It
alters you. Posturing forward to just you talking took some
of the stigma away from being able to talk to
people that have had this kind of experience because you're
so free with it, normalize not being okay. It is
(26:41):
okay to not be okay. It will not define your future.
It does not dictate your future, and it's something on
the other side, and it is always, always something on
the other side. Always. I think that that is the
ultimate way to finish this, to know that it is
okay not to be okay. That's phenomenal, Jenny, that's phenomenal.
(27:04):
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
We're gonna take a short break right now, and when
we return, we'll welcome a mental health expert for our
mental health moment. We are back with another vitally important
(27:25):
mental health moments today we get to welcome someone I've
been a fan of for some time, Alice Gresham. Alice
runs an outpatient mental health department as well as her
own mental health consulting firm. She's a therapist, trauma interventionist, consultant, speaker,
and the reason I know her a TikTok creator. Alice
(27:46):
is on a mission to normalize therapy for our black
and brown communities, and we are thrilled she is with
us today to help further that cause. Thank you, thank you,
thank you so much for joining us at the virtual
Red Table today. Alice, Thank you I'm delighted to be
a guest, and yeah, we gotta get folks in tune
with how to get healed because I can be all
(28:08):
these queens be broken down. I'm like, wa, ain't got
no more time? Come on. That's exactly right. You said
in a recent TikTok video that we do not have
to respond to everyone's expectation that we show up to
holiday events and entertain our family members. You were talking
about Thanksgiving, but I'm looking ahead to Christmas and all
(28:28):
the gatherings of my family will want to have. How
do we turn down the invites or set boundaries without
hurting our family or worshyet starting an argument. I think
it's an important question for this season because primarily depression
is up. So it's a time of year where we're
supposed to be around those who love us and maybe
(28:48):
those who raised us. But for everyone that isn't a
great experience. So many of us go through holidays in
a performative way and really don't have a wonderful time
because they're our folks around who basically trying to dig
into our business and always have something called especially the
Old Lady Gang, you know who they are, all the aunties,
(29:09):
who can't you know? You should? Did you can? Girl?
Did you guys away? Are you married yet? So we
want to minimize those kinds of experiences, especially if you're
on a healing journey, and the way to do that
is to set some boundaries about where you will and
will not go and what you will and will not answer.
If you choose to go to these family events, you
(29:32):
have every right to decide not to go and instead
focus on self care. And if you do go and
you are a people pleaser or an introvert, there are
plenty of ways to smile and laugh off a question
and to he on into the next room. I like it.
I love he took next room. Good. Now take that tip.
(29:54):
That's good right there, Listen, I love it. If I
don't want to answer that, I just said, I don't
think that's my ministry to answer that. I have no problem,
So that is right, Alice, Listen. I'm completely on board
with your message of taking time to rest to during
the holidays because napping is my ministry. I have dames, Okay,
I know how to take a nap and then is
not a waiver during these holidays. I'm gonna take my nap,
(30:17):
But there are other kinds of rest besides the physical,
like mental and sensory. So can you share what the
different types of rest are and how we can identify
which type of rest we need when we feel tired. Okay,
that's an excellent question to One of the primary ways
to get rest is to learn how to set boundaries
using the word no. Because we're superwomen and we have
(30:41):
to respond yes to almost everything that we're asked. Or
whomever does request help or a favor, or girl, would
you cover this for me? We feel obligated to do
it just because we can. But I would describe to
people three ways in which you can use a boundary
to get yourself some rest. And one is to say
simply no, thank you, I don't think I'll be coming
(31:03):
this year. No, I don't believe that's gonna be for me.
And then the third, which is my favorite, is BITCHA
said no. Sometimes you got to call it. Everybody doesn't
have the same communication style and you have to feel
everybody right. I love it in the true form that
is Alice all things. I was waiting for it. I
(31:25):
was like, okay, well, you know how some people miss
the social cues the first time. So the most direct
way was number three. D. If they don't get that,
it's just time to turn around and walk away. Right Listen,
women know like because sometimes we just keep going and going.
What are some tell tale signs to let a woman know,
(31:45):
you know what you actually need to get some rest?
How we know men and women to write cars everybody
everybody needed now. So I like to describe the pebble, brick,
and the house methods. So the pebble is when you
feel a little bit rundown and you decide maybe you
need to just stay in your jammie's on a Saturday
and watch Netflix or whatever because you're feeling a little rundown.
(32:09):
But if you ignore that and you continue to do
laundry and housework and go pick up this and do this,
and take care of uncle so and so and anti
such and such, then the brick will come, which is
usually a flu or a cold or in this case,
your second round of COVID as the way to tell
you you're doing too much. You are only human and
(32:32):
so you need some rest. And then the third, of course,
is the house. And some of us are already experiencing that,
which is really sort of the symptoms of long COVID
that have stayed with you because your immune system has
been depressed for so long. When you got hit with
the first round, it couldn't rebound in the way that
it does for some people. So now many of us
(32:54):
are down with long COVID and those unusual bothersome concerning symptoms.
So you make a decision to sit down before you
fall down. That's good because I'm gonna tell you something.
I had a pebble moment Sunday. I had a pebble
moment Sunday where I was like, Okay, I'm feel a
little tired. I got a lot of stuff that I
could do, but I stayed in the bed. I was
(33:14):
like after bed, and so I didn't know it was
a pebble brick or a house because I've been at
house mode and it's not what you So when you learn,
you don't want to do the house anymore. I remember
I heard Oprah describe some things using that metaphor a
long time ago, and at this point in my life,
I'll respond to all pebbles. So you know, if I
(33:36):
have a headache that stays around too long, that makes
take some time off. If I have indigestive disorders, which
occurred when we have a lot of anxiety and stress.
I also, does anybody else get this like lump in
the sign of their neck? My goodness, yet you can
feel literally feel literally kill it. And I'm gonna tell
(33:58):
you that pebble, I get massage out. I go every
loving get a therapy. Yeah, so things like that, creating
a regular massige schedule. One of the things I've done
recently is to redo my bedroom to be surrounded by
all things luxury girl. I'll bout one of them hotel mrs. Yes,
luxury roma. I have a new life every time I
(34:21):
come home and take off my shoes and put on
my pajamas and hit that little Mr Nice. Okay, that
sounds like we'll take care of us. Car and I
were just talking about some of the things that we
can do for self care. Car. You were talking about
getting a steamer for your face. But I think we
need to upgrade and do a mister for the bedroom,
right for the whole room, a roll of therapy, because
(34:42):
you know how we respond to people who smell good,
like we'll walk up the strangers. Yes, okay, like you
absolutely Vermons in high gear it's the power of scent
to renew and restore. They baked chocolate tip cookies when
you're trying to sell a house. So that's right through
(35:04):
and just so, there are lots of things, but we
just have a hard time giving ourselves permission to do nothing.
That's so true. That's so true. But as they say,
stop us smell the roses, these phrases that carry us
through life, they have some true meaning. I'm trying to
see all of it. There's purpose behind that part al
was you also shared in that TikTok that I mentioned earlier,
(35:26):
the four hours and I love us the four hours
of self care and we already you can add our
because it was around the way our Roman therapy it right,
but you got rest renew, recharge, refreshed, and the extra.
That's my little plus or Roman therapy. How can we
check that we're keeping these balanced? Okay, So restore means
(35:50):
you've been run down for quite some time. I got
clients who sit in the chair underneath the blanket on
the weekend, even though the law orangery needs doing, and
the groceries need to be done and the house is
a hot mass because they literally feel like they cannot
get up and do another thing. So the restoring is
(36:12):
stay in the bed on Saturday, stay in the bed
on Sunday too. Then you take that extra ten dollars
that you got and you add that to the people
who deliver your groceries to your ports, so you can
get some rest. Sometimes I buy rest in the form
of I don't do no shopping anymore. That's what my
(36:32):
industry is. Well, friends, I'm there with your friends, says
covid Abit to Walmart says I love it. And then
I talked also sort of like about renewed tracy, because
renew it is when you do it's right, assist to
feel right, that's right. So sometimes it can be just
a new renewed based on a hair appointment, or you
(36:53):
get your nails done or your eyebrows done and you
spend some time getting a pedicure, right, So those are instantaneous.
They don't take a lot of time. You can get
your nails done, as still go grocery shopping or whatever,
but you take pick up the groceries. That that's right
to take time out to renew. And the renewing is
(37:15):
just a short term intervention. The restoration longer term. It
might be a couple of days on the weekend. But
this is what I sort of suggest for people with holidays.
I think that all holidays are an opportunity for self care.
I don't go nowhere. I see you all all the time. Thanksgiving,
I didn't go nowhere people begging me because I listen.
(37:36):
I take care of people all week that part. I
hear that and trust they survived without me. And I
stand in my pajamas for three days straight. Popcorn, Netflix,
Pinot Griggio girl. I wasn't playing. Think it's important. I
think it's important to reinvent these traditions as we go
throughout the years. Holidays are not as traditional. I don't
(37:57):
even know if we're really supposed to call it Thanksgiving anymore,
because you know, we're deconstructing everything. Construct okay, to unlearn
and relearn Thanksgiving and or Christmas and New Year's redefine
what it means for you. I love that. I love that.
Just be okay with it. Let you make your decisions.
(38:17):
Stand firm minute, establishing minute, and stand firm minute. That's
stop asking everybody for everybody else's opinion. This is your life,
this is your journey. Say that one more time. Your life,
your journey, your choices, your consequences. So some of us
are insecure in that we have to check with everybody.
(38:39):
Is it okay if I what do you think about this?
When the reality is it's your life, be love it,
it's yours. Can you just trust yourself to make these
kinds of decisions when you feel tired? Sit down? You
did good with that, you said sit down. Now you
know we're talking about black and brown community. So what
we say and sat down? Paying attention to yourself though,
(39:08):
and just come out of the I call people hallucinate. Okay,
I know you're fantastic, you're awesome. I'm awesome too, but
we're still human. We break down, we wear out, we
fall down, we don't feel good. And just pretending that
none of those things exists doesn't regenerate, renew, restore or refresh.
(39:29):
Stop letting people make you feel guilty because you need
to set down somewhere to take my new friend. I'm
loving all of it. I feel like people everyone who
are we are setting free on this podcast. They're gonna
feel renewed and have that permission to do what they
need to do moving forward. For these holidays like Alice,
(39:52):
thank you so much, such a joy. I'm so delighted
that you guys thought what I had to say was
worthy and that your work is about lifting up queens
and giving queens resources through which they could use to heal.
Because we don't have no time to not be well
and healthy and strong and fit for our families. That
(40:17):
is so true. Anyone listening. You can learn more from
Alice about these topics and others on her TikTok just
search behavioral intelligence. Thank you so much again, yes, thank you,
thank you, thank you, bless you all. We want to
know how you are feeling about this new season of
(40:37):
Red Table Talk. We are open to talk about anything
with you all, so please send in your questions at
Let's red table that at red table talk dot com
or leave us a voicemail. We want to hear your voice.
Speak to us at speak pipe dot com, slash Let's
red table that. Yeah, tell us what you had to say.
(40:58):
Don't worry about typing, just talking, go to speak talking
dot com. Just talking out and why are you talking?
We want to talk to you one more time and
say thank you, thank you, yes you, thank you so
much for listening. Make sure you subscribe on I Heart
Radio app and please rate this podcast on Apple podcast.
Y'all know we want to five. We'll be back next
week for another episode of Let's Red Table Back Special.
(41:22):
Thanks to executive producers j D. P Keett Smith, Valon,
Jethro and Ellen Racketon. Thank you to our producer colleague
and Nehru and our associate producer Yolanda Chow. And finally,
thanks to our sound engineer, Stephanie Aguilar's table back Let's
Red Table Day, Let's Let's Red Table Back Tay
This episode discusses stories of domestic abuse. If you are
a loved one needs help, contact the National Domestic Violence
Hotline at eight hundred seven nine nine seven two three
three or text start to eight eight eight eight, or
visit the hotline dot org. Hey y'all, Hey, what's up?
(00:21):
And welcome to Let's Red Table that I'm Tracy t
Row and I'm Calledra Pressley. Listen. Like the rest of
the season, we are back to the tough topics and
have a pretty tough episode ahead of us today. But
I'm still feeling successful about it. How are you feeling, Tracy?
You know what, I'm happy to hear that you're successful.
You know I am. I am grateful. I am everyday
(00:43):
amazing of course, but also grateful because we're talking about
domestic violence and this upcoming episode that we're going to
talk about has some hard hitting stuff in it, Like
she all went through it and then it was just her,
It was her mom, her sister and all the other
family members that we didn't talk about being in a
(01:06):
position where you go through something, when you're in a unit,
when you go through it, everybody goes through it, whether
you know they're going through it or not right, and
so to have them at the table and to be
able to share that and be in support of Shia
was really positive. They let shea have her space at
(01:26):
the table first, just come on out here, tell your story,
not just a Shaunty's little sister led by a shanty,
and then the mom and then this is They just
let her have her moment at the table to really
relate and really just get it out in her way.
It's super therapeutic. That's why I'm excited about our guest
today as well. We get to talk to someone who's
also gone through it because it's a different experience. It's
(01:48):
you're always on the outside looking in. And I fortunately
have not had to experience something as physical as what
everyone has. I've dealt with someone verbally abusive. I mean
that of course has levels to it, verbal abusive teacher
or coach to actual partner, but of course that physical
hits another level. So I'm gonna tell you something, And
we haven't had a lot of opportunity to talk about abuse,
(02:10):
but Cara, so many people have had physical, emotional, and
verbal abuse in their life. And I am no exception. Okay,
I was in a relationship forever and ever ago, and
it was physical, and I remember that it wasn't as
violent as what we saw on this episode, but it
(02:33):
was violent enough for me and for me to have
not immediately left. And like Sia and like so many others,
I didn't tell my family. I shielded and protected the abuser,
and I did get to a point. It didn't take
me seven times, but I did get to a point
where I left, And that was really the catalyst for
(02:54):
me leaving Michigan and moving back to Memphis, in addition
to being able to support my dad through some health issues.
But it was a fantastic opportunity. Okay, But I want
you to know it got to the point for me
where it was literally either I'm gonna go to jail
or I'm going to go to the more listen, and
(03:14):
I need more than four walls, Okay. So I appreciate
that you decided that you didn't like eat any of
those four walls situations, it was time to go. And
so I completely empathize with Shia and all of the
other people, and including our guest today. You just think
about it could happen to anybody. Yes, nobody's exempt. That's
(03:36):
the interesting part because I am happy we have the
guest today because more people do need to share their
story so that you know that you're not alone out there.
You know so many people who think that they're alone.
I don't care if you gotta speed and ticket this morning.
You think you're alone and you're the only one and
the world's picking on you. But I promise you're not alone,
and we're really here to help each other. So I
had an opportunity to sit down. I had dinner with
(03:58):
the abuser some year years after the fact. I did
because I had to. It was a healing process for me.
But I also realized that I had to let go
of some unforgiveness because I was holding onto it and
it was just like the baggage that I was carrying
when I was in the midst of it, right, and
I let go of it, and I had to say, look,
I want to apologize for my part in this toxicity.
(04:21):
I want to forgive you and know that I played
a part in this, whatever the part was, even if
it was just being the victim of it. And I
know people are gonna say, what do you mean you apologize,
But I'm saying for me, you understand what I'm saying
that it was to let me off the hook emotionally,
to say, Okay, I'm not only healed from it physically,
(04:43):
I'm healing from it emotionally and I can release you
and surrender my unforgiveness of it. And we don't really
talk about that. And the great criscept Michelle made one
song that talked about it. Blame it on said, blame
it on me, please. I felt that's a in my spirit.
I did not have a final dinner. I didn't have
a last supper. I applaud your last supper, but baby,
(05:07):
I said, blame it on me, and I left another
looked back. So I understand the need for that closure,
not to do thing. It looks different for all of us.
So I'm gonna tell you what it looks Okay, can
we talk about it? And looks different for the person
I was web to let me tell you what. Carl.
She had to nerve to tell me what do you
mean see? And I was like, hanckle, Jacqueline, how are
(05:31):
you talking about? We're we're in the same chad. We're
fighting in the closet, fighting the bedroom, fighting in the
dining room, fighting the living room. You're talking about you
don't know. So see this goes back to what we're
talking about. These people who are narcissistic, they just have
these blackouts, and let's talk about let's be honest, Like
I think there are a lot of people who enter
(05:51):
a relationship with a certain ideal absolutely and then we never,
of course, until we never think about, well, how did
you grow up? Are you used to violence? Abuse, loud noises,
I don't know, like to sit in silence sometimes? Right,
it literally could go from eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner
to a person who's one meal a day, like something
(06:12):
so small a nuance of how we just maybe are
not in alignment. Of course, it's a drastic distance when
we're really talking about this domestic violence and abuse, right, um,
but still there are differences. Yet I shared that not
only to be fully transparent and let the listeners know.
So y'all hear me, beautiful, bright future, positive, sunny outlook.
(06:32):
Happy to support other people. I do it as a
business now to help people affirm themselves. But I was
in that thing. See, I was in that thing. And
she a beautiful, talented she, but she was in it.
And so it happens to all of us, and she
did get her moment. She did get her moment at
the table, and I was grateful for that. And being
(06:54):
the sister you mentioned this, being the sister of someone
who's a superstar celebrity like Ashanti had his own challenges.
That part. She mentioned that she tapped into it at
the table of just I didn't even realize because Number
one Foolish, that whole album, it was self titled Ashanti,
but the Foolish was a song on that album that
(07:14):
came out. I'll never forget because I had just had
my son, but I didn't realize her sister was thirteen.
I remember her sister speaking on the album and talking
and I was just like, wow, Tom has definitely passed us.
Let me just do a quick shout out to Jada,
Gamby and Willow season five, y'all have taught us some
stuff this season. Do we not have some turns? We
(07:37):
got all the language. I can see me now my
next relationship, like number one, you will not gas like me.
No love, no love bombing, no breadcrumbing, no dumping. There's
so many phrases, but baby, we're gonna be healed and
whole moving forward right and we're happy that she is
in the process of her own healing and wholeness journey.
(07:59):
To shout out to you, Shia and for your support
from your beautiful mother and sister Ashanti. And I'm gonna
say this, I'm grateful that they went to therapy. That
she said that the four of them went to therapy,
and that was something. Remember Ashanti was like, oh no,
but I love that. She said, but my sister ain't good,
(08:20):
so this is good for her, It's gonna be good
for me. Like that is the part two that people
need to understand. And family like said, I'm fine, we know,
but I love that she said, maybe let me just
go anyway. Yeah, as a family, as a whole unit.
She got the support she needed and that's what so
(08:41):
many other people want, is the support. So bravo to them,
Bravo to the Douglas family. Now it's time to share
with our online Red Table Talk community has to say
about this episode. Candice Denis said, as a domestic abuse survivor,
I can't describe the feeling I have watching this. I
(09:02):
pray for her continuous healing and spreading her story. I
love that because healing is definitely ongoing in this situation.
So thank you Kadis Steph Beaten, thank you for your
comment and all the love and support you said. My
beautiful daughter has just come through the same kind of
trauma and it has devastated our little family, but we
(09:23):
are standing strong and united. We are a long way
off fixed, but we are headed in a positive direction now.
Big love from Australia, our t t family, Big love
right back to you. We love that and see the
truly people all over the world, over the world listening.
We appreciate y'all last, but certainly not least. Danielle Langford said,
(09:46):
I wish there was a therapist at the table to
offer hope and resolutions for those watching needing help now.
So sorry she experienced such trauma. Listen, we are all
sorry that. I think anytime we hear stories to this magnitude,
we all wish we could save them or fix them.
But I just need y'all know it's hoping help on
the other side. But your comment it was and it
(10:09):
would have been great to have had a therapist perspective
just to kind of support them through that and then
to help us through it because there are other people
who are learning as they go with the table with
every episode, we're gonna take a quick break, but when
we get back, we'll be joined by our incredible guests
from the Red Tabletop community. We're excited to welcome Jenny
(10:33):
Bean to Let's Red table Back. Although I'm super excited
because she is someone I personally know the topic with
which we're discussing, is not that excited because Jenny, like Sheia,
is a domestic violence survivor, and she's here today to
share her story and help others who have experienced or
who are experiencing this now feel less alone and less ashamed,
(10:54):
because domestic violence is never the fault of the victim.
Thank you so much for being here with us and
being willing to share your story, and welcome again to
the Let's Red table Back Virtual table. Jenny, Thank you.
Thank you so much, Car and Tracy for having me.
I'm so excited to be here. We're excited to have
you here. This is the part of the show where
(11:23):
we reveal which moments made us pause, rewind and listen again. Wait, wait,
and there were on this episode that we're gonna get into.
I know we're gonna help somebody as we get into
these let me just jump into it. This is probably
one of the most powerful moments when she had called
herself irresponsible for going back to her abuser, and Jada
(11:45):
gam and Willow all stopped and corrected her. Prior to this,
I had had a miscarriage, and so it was I
believe a play on my mind because I wanted to
had a child and have a family. Looking back, it
was irresponsible on my behalf. She When we love people,
(12:14):
we really want to believe that they can change. Don't
beat yourself up for that. Listen. This was an important
reminder that everyone's story is more complicated than we might think,
and it's never okay to victim blame. Bless her heart.
How did y'all feel about that? I think I feel
what she's saying, but irresponsible. I feel like it's more
(12:37):
maybe like shame or shameful that you went back, And
I feel like that's why Jada again and Willow stopped here, like,
don't call yourself irresponsible or don't even blame. Did you
did you feel like maybe when you were in your
situation before you you know how they say hi insight
while you were in it, were you even blaming yourself
for making excuses? And then you got away and we're like,
(12:58):
you know what, I was right. I knew I should
have moved in this direction, and now I know, like,
as they say, when you know better, do better. Did
you feel that at all? I think it's hard in
the moment you're blinded. I don't know that I blamed
myself initially, but the more your nic domestic violence always
(13:19):
comes with manipulation. Also, you justify or you rationalize, like, Okay,
maybe if I had done something differently, or maybe if
I didn't do this, it wouldn't have triggered that, or
it wouldn't provoked that. I shouldn't have said this to
keep it going. I'm a woman and this is a
grown man older than me, and I wasn't going to
(13:43):
accept blame for his actions. But I justified or tried
to rationalize why he did what he did and what
my part in it was. The other way. What moments
was when she has shared that her abuser not to
teeth out. After she simply asked like, what are you
doing coming home at seven o'clock, he gas lighted her.
(14:06):
I kind of came came back to and I'm like,
I see the blood, and I was in so much shock. Like,
it's like, it's unthinkable. It's unthinkable. It's like you you
hit me, you you broke my teeth. And he was like, no,
I didn't know. I didn't you. You hit your face
on the railing, You hit your face. I pushed you
(14:29):
and you hit you. So in that moment, he was
trying to manipulate what even had occurred. And a lot
of what we've learned this gas lighting goes hand in
hand with this. So when you say that you weren't
trying to justify it, but you were trying to rationalize
and reason with it. What amount of gas lighting do
(14:50):
you think played a part in that? So you can't
do one without the other, right, I don't feel like
you can be a victim of just the violent part.
You're also a victim of the mental and the emotional
part as well. By the physical abuse is what sticks
out the most. So oddly enough, I too actually have
had my front teeth knocked out and not completely but
(15:15):
broken in half. For the abuser it's physical, but for
the victim it is physical, but more than anything is
again the mental and emotional. So the gas lighting is
what is like the bull constructor around you that makes
you tolerate the physical, because the physical will heal. I
(15:38):
got a new bottom teeth, right, it goes away. But
you replay the mental, You replay the emotional, you replay
the words, you replay that part of it. It could
be a simple question with no tone to your voice,
no attitude, no neck world, no I roll while you're
saying it. You approach them as if they're actually somebody
worthy to be approached because you're already on eggshells. And
(16:02):
nine times out of tenants because she was right, or
it's because she called him on his bs, or because
she saw through the gas lighting and had something to
say about it, or the question was going to have
to require an honest answer, and instead they deflect. And
that was the deflection because what she's gonna say now,
(16:23):
she's got a teeth knocked out and she saw down
in hit her head. Didn't do that to the conversation
is over anything to take it off of them, And
that completely ends the question, right, and yeah, and there
is no conversation. That's all that was said. That was it,
And then I met you. She won't ask him again,
and then guess what that allows him to come home
at seven am again because last time she asked, why
(16:45):
are you coming home? At seven? She knows what happened.
She has a daily reminder, a mental and emotional scar
of a reminder, and she won't ask no more. Going
to this last wait, what she has said that she
doesn't use the language of victim and survivor anymore. And
I think that's like a way she's trying to reclaim
her own power. It feels like to me, I wanted
(17:06):
she wants to change the narrative or direct the narrative,
and maybe even not saying she's like the other survivors
or victims. I think she just wants to be transparent
for her stories. It's interesting that you don't want to
use the word victim and survivor because I look at
it like this, So when you're labeling yourself as a
victim or survivor, in order for you to truly heal,
(17:30):
you have to detach from that narrative that this was
an experience that's taught me. This is an experience that
I've now risen above. So you're taking your power back
in that way. Jenny, what terms do you feel are
the truest or which terms empower you? Being someone who
has also gone through a similar situation. I spent a decade,
(17:52):
an entire decade, from the time I was seventeen until
twenty seven with the same parson, the same abusic. I
have two children with him that are teenagers. Now, I
just really came through a whole ten years of some
really tragic things. That is not for the week, but
(18:16):
to agree with she, I have never been like, oh yeah,
I'm a domestic violence survivor. I am a victim of
domestic violence. I have shared my story and I have
talked openly about it. I have absolutely no shame and
what happened to me and how long I stayed and
what I tolerated or I left and went Literally what
(18:39):
fit the statistics of you leave seven times before you
stay gone? I left and went back eight times. I
don't like the terms honestly, victim or survivor because I
feel like that enables people to look at you like
the sympathy. No, I totally get that that you want
to you identify that it was ten years in your
(19:01):
life's journey, but it was not the same total of
your life. Let's continue to talk about this whole episode
as a whole. I know we talked about some pieces
and moments, but overall, what did you think of this episode?
How did you guys feel about it? I can tell
(19:22):
you I have a lot of respect for women that
are open and are vulnerable to share their experiences with
domestic violence. I am grateful that it was at the
table because it's important for people to see that even
though you may be the sister of or the person
(19:42):
connected to a celebrity, or that you're living some kind
of lifestyle that people think on the outside end, you
can have horrible traumas happening to you. I honestly feel
like one it's not openly spoken on enough and regular
everyday call ver stations. I feel like women are timid
(20:03):
to bring it up. And I'll be honest, it took
me a long time, and it took me, I think,
just life experiences to develop kind of the confidence or
mindset and attitude that this is what happened to me,
because I was embarrassed and I was ashamed because anyone
and everyone who has not gone through it, if someone
knocked your teeth out, you're calling them off. It's not
(20:25):
the same with your love or your spouse and your partners.
I want to know more about what's happened. You started day,
you said, from seventeen to seven. So you started day
in your X when you were seventeen and you were
together for that full decade. When did the abuse begin?
And what point did you realize you were being abused?
So at seventeen, I'm he was five years older than me.
(20:48):
I moved away to go to college. And when I
moved away to go to college, he was totally separate
from what I was used to or what I had
gone up around what I had been used to, just
like wood me off my feet because he was a
little bit older, he kind of knew what to do,
he knew what to say. He was very smooth, very
much to play with it, and it was it just
like you were so deep before you really knew it.
(21:11):
And during that time frame there was no physical abuse,
there was no none of that going on. His charming
and love bombing you and just very much yea similar
to like narcissic behavior. You know what we found. I mean,
just from this season alone for Red Table Talk, Jenny,
so many people have an underlying common denominator of narcissism.
(21:35):
So at what point did the abuse start? How many
years in probably about six months. What was Do you
remember what the first incident was? So it doesn't start
off like super tough, right, So we were actually like
hanging out with friends at their apartment. It was kind
of like a college town and stuff like that. I
was in college, and so he brought his friends and
(21:57):
cousin and then I had too my girlfriends with me,
and so we're just a group hanging out and so
one on one. I couldn't honestly tell you what instigated
the issue. I can't remember, I truly can't, But I
remember specifically him asking like can he talk to me,
and pulling me to aside in one of the rooms
in the home, and when he got in there, he
(22:17):
shut the door and then he just smacked the life
out of me to where I just fell to the ground.
Didn't say anything right away, didn't tell me what the
issue was, didn't I mean, I was caught so off guard.
I had never had hands laid on me before ever,
and so I was so overwhelmed and so shocked, and
(22:42):
it was like I froze. I was so numb, like
smacked me hard enough to knock me to the ground,
and I didn't know. I didn't know how to react.
I didn't know what to think of what to say.
And I remember being on the floor just like curling
myself up and bawling because my for one, it did her.
I had never been hit like that before in my face,
(23:03):
and I just remember being like scared to the pit
of my stomach. He waited a minute and then got
down on the ground with me and held me and
consoled me. I was like, I'm so sorry. You made me.
You made me, Yeah, this is what happened. You made
me mad. It was because I was talking too much.
(23:23):
So one of the dudes that he brought with him
and so or that's what his excuse was for it,
and he overreacted and he's sorry and he loves me,
and so then I was like, oh, so he was
jealous of me talking to someone else. He does love me,
he does care about me. I've never had anyone get
(23:46):
so angry with me over talking to someone else. And
so I was like, in a sick way, took it
as like flattering, right, absolutely, And I even want you
to say in a way, just like the moment at
the table, like you loved him. That was it. And
he was abusing that that privilege. You know, it's a
(24:07):
privilege to to love on each other, and unfortunately he
knew how to manipulate it. This might be a perfect
time to tax me talk a little bit about what
did you envision your future with your ex to look
like I was gonna love him through his hurdles and
his habits, and then we would look back on it
(24:28):
someday like, oh, we made it through so much right.
And so I kept holding on to that delusional fantasy
even through ten years that he was going to change,
and it didn't change. It got worse. So it went
from a slap on the face to me actually having
to go to Alter and Support to buy tattoo cover
(24:49):
up makeup to cover the bruises on my face to
go to work, or the bruises on my neck to
go to work, or having to call in because my
jaw was who swollen to go to work. I am
glad that you are out of that situation. Is a
part of your story. Tell us what your future looks
like now that you are a part What dreams do
(25:11):
you have for your future self? And what dreams are
you accomplishing. I don't know if you had told me
I was as far as I am now doing what
I'm doing now, I would have probably laughed because I
didn't think that I was capable of doing more and
doing better because again, and I keep referring to it,
the mental and emotional last with you, right, I just
(25:34):
had a and I'm not going to lie to you.
I am actively seeking therapy from a specialized therapist in
this area because what happens is it's like a chemical disregulation.
And so, after so many years of the trauma, whether
it's physical, emotional, mental, sexual, whatever it is, your nervous
(25:57):
system become so disregulated. It is literally like you are
a drug addict. And so you get so addicted to
the disregulation and the dysfunction that if it is not chaos,
and if it is not suffering or painful, you feel
like something is off, which is the opposite of how
(26:19):
we're intended to live. And so, and your body remembers
the trauma, it holds it, and it shifts you. It
alters you. Posturing forward to just you talking took some
of the stigma away from being able to talk to
people that have had this kind of experience because you're
so free with it, normalize not being okay. It is
(26:41):
okay to not be okay. It will not define your future.
It does not dictate your future, and it's something on
the other side, and it is always, always something on
the other side. Always. I think that that is the
ultimate way to finish this, to know that it is
okay not to be okay. That's phenomenal, Jenny, that's phenomenal.
(27:04):
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
We're gonna take a short break right now, and when
we return, we'll welcome a mental health expert for our
mental health moment. We are back with another vitally important
(27:25):
mental health moments today we get to welcome someone I've
been a fan of for some time, Alice Gresham. Alice
runs an outpatient mental health department as well as her
own mental health consulting firm. She's a therapist, trauma interventionist, consultant, speaker,
and the reason I know her a TikTok creator. Alice
(27:46):
is on a mission to normalize therapy for our black
and brown communities, and we are thrilled she is with
us today to help further that cause. Thank you, thank you,
thank you so much for joining us at the virtual
Red Table today. Alice, Thank you I'm delighted to be
a guest, and yeah, we gotta get folks in tune
with how to get healed because I can be all
(28:08):
these queens be broken down. I'm like, wa, ain't got
no more time? Come on. That's exactly right. You said
in a recent TikTok video that we do not have
to respond to everyone's expectation that we show up to
holiday events and entertain our family members. You were talking
about Thanksgiving, but I'm looking ahead to Christmas and all
(28:28):
the gatherings of my family will want to have. How
do we turn down the invites or set boundaries without
hurting our family or worshyet starting an argument. I think
it's an important question for this season because primarily depression
is up. So it's a time of year where we're
supposed to be around those who love us and maybe
(28:48):
those who raised us. But for everyone that isn't a
great experience. So many of us go through holidays in
a performative way and really don't have a wonderful time
because they're our folks around who basically trying to dig
into our business and always have something called especially the
Old Lady Gang, you know who they are, all the aunties,
(29:09):
who can't you know? You should? Did you can? Girl?
Did you guys away? Are you married yet? So we
want to minimize those kinds of experiences, especially if you're
on a healing journey, and the way to do that
is to set some boundaries about where you will and
will not go and what you will and will not answer.
If you choose to go to these family events, you
(29:32):
have every right to decide not to go and instead
focus on self care. And if you do go and
you are a people pleaser or an introvert, there are
plenty of ways to smile and laugh off a question
and to he on into the next room. I like it.
I love he took next room. Good. Now take that tip.
(29:54):
That's good right there, Listen, I love it. If I
don't want to answer that, I just said, I don't
think that's my ministry to answer that. I have no problem,
So that is right, Alice, Listen. I'm completely on board
with your message of taking time to rest to during
the holidays because napping is my ministry. I have dames, Okay,
I know how to take a nap and then is
not a waiver during these holidays. I'm gonna take my nap,
(30:17):
But there are other kinds of rest besides the physical,
like mental and sensory. So can you share what the
different types of rest are and how we can identify
which type of rest we need when we feel tired. Okay,
that's an excellent question to One of the primary ways
to get rest is to learn how to set boundaries
using the word no. Because we're superwomen and we have
(30:41):
to respond yes to almost everything that we're asked. Or
whomever does request help or a favor, or girl, would
you cover this for me? We feel obligated to do
it just because we can. But I would describe to
people three ways in which you can use a boundary
to get yourself some rest. And one is to say
simply no, thank you, I don't think I'll be coming
(31:03):
this year. No, I don't believe that's gonna be for me.
And then the third, which is my favorite, is BITCHA
said no. Sometimes you got to call it. Everybody doesn't
have the same communication style and you have to feel
everybody right. I love it in the true form that
is Alice all things. I was waiting for it. I
(31:25):
was like, okay, well, you know how some people miss
the social cues the first time. So the most direct
way was number three. D. If they don't get that,
it's just time to turn around and walk away. Right Listen,
women know like because sometimes we just keep going and going.
What are some tell tale signs to let a woman know,
(31:45):
you know what you actually need to get some rest?
How we know men and women to write cars everybody
everybody needed now. So I like to describe the pebble, brick,
and the house methods. So the pebble is when you
feel a little bit rundown and you decide maybe you
need to just stay in your jammie's on a Saturday
and watch Netflix or whatever because you're feeling a little rundown.
(32:09):
But if you ignore that and you continue to do
laundry and housework and go pick up this and do this,
and take care of uncle so and so and anti
such and such, then the brick will come, which is
usually a flu or a cold or in this case,
your second round of COVID as the way to tell
you you're doing too much. You are only human and
(32:32):
so you need some rest. And then the third, of course,
is the house. And some of us are already experiencing that,
which is really sort of the symptoms of long COVID
that have stayed with you because your immune system has
been depressed for so long. When you got hit with
the first round, it couldn't rebound in the way that
it does for some people. So now many of us
(32:54):
are down with long COVID and those unusual bothersome concerning symptoms.
So you make a decision to sit down before you
fall down. That's good because I'm gonna tell you something.
I had a pebble moment Sunday. I had a pebble
moment Sunday where I was like, Okay, I'm feel a
little tired. I got a lot of stuff that I
could do, but I stayed in the bed. I was
(33:14):
like after bed, and so I didn't know it was
a pebble brick or a house because I've been at
house mode and it's not what you So when you learn,
you don't want to do the house anymore. I remember
I heard Oprah describe some things using that metaphor a
long time ago, and at this point in my life,
I'll respond to all pebbles. So you know, if I
(33:36):
have a headache that stays around too long, that makes
take some time off. If I have indigestive disorders, which
occurred when we have a lot of anxiety and stress.
I also, does anybody else get this like lump in
the sign of their neck? My goodness, yet you can
feel literally feel literally kill it. And I'm gonna tell
(33:58):
you that pebble, I get massage out. I go every
loving get a therapy. Yeah, so things like that, creating
a regular massige schedule. One of the things I've done
recently is to redo my bedroom to be surrounded by
all things luxury girl. I'll bout one of them hotel mrs. Yes,
luxury roma. I have a new life every time I
(34:21):
come home and take off my shoes and put on
my pajamas and hit that little Mr Nice. Okay, that
sounds like we'll take care of us. Car and I
were just talking about some of the things that we
can do for self care. Car. You were talking about
getting a steamer for your face. But I think we
need to upgrade and do a mister for the bedroom,
right for the whole room, a roll of therapy, because
(34:42):
you know how we respond to people who smell good,
like we'll walk up the strangers. Yes, okay, like you
absolutely Vermons in high gear it's the power of scent
to renew and restore. They baked chocolate tip cookies when
you're trying to sell a house. So that's right through
(35:04):
and just so, there are lots of things, but we
just have a hard time giving ourselves permission to do nothing.
That's so true. That's so true. But as they say,
stop us smell the roses, these phrases that carry us
through life, they have some true meaning. I'm trying to
see all of it. There's purpose behind that part al
was you also shared in that TikTok that I mentioned earlier,
(35:26):
the four hours and I love us the four hours
of self care and we already you can add our
because it was around the way our Roman therapy it right,
but you got rest renew, recharge, refreshed, and the extra.
That's my little plus or Roman therapy. How can we
check that we're keeping these balanced? Okay, So restore means
(35:50):
you've been run down for quite some time. I got
clients who sit in the chair underneath the blanket on
the weekend, even though the law orangery needs doing, and
the groceries need to be done and the house is
a hot mass because they literally feel like they cannot
get up and do another thing. So the restoring is
(36:12):
stay in the bed on Saturday, stay in the bed
on Sunday too. Then you take that extra ten dollars
that you got and you add that to the people
who deliver your groceries to your ports, so you can
get some rest. Sometimes I buy rest in the form
of I don't do no shopping anymore. That's what my
(36:32):
industry is. Well, friends, I'm there with your friends, says
covid Abit to Walmart says I love it. And then
I talked also sort of like about renewed tracy, because
renew it is when you do it's right, assist to
feel right, that's right. So sometimes it can be just
a new renewed based on a hair appointment, or you
(36:53):
get your nails done or your eyebrows done and you
spend some time getting a pedicure, right, So those are instantaneous.
They don't take a lot of time. You can get
your nails done, as still go grocery shopping or whatever,
but you take pick up the groceries. That that's right
to take time out to renew. And the renewing is
(37:15):
just a short term intervention. The restoration longer term. It
might be a couple of days on the weekend. But
this is what I sort of suggest for people with holidays.
I think that all holidays are an opportunity for self care.
I don't go nowhere. I see you all all the time. Thanksgiving,
I didn't go nowhere people begging me because I listen.
(37:36):
I take care of people all week that part. I
hear that and trust they survived without me. And I
stand in my pajamas for three days straight. Popcorn, Netflix,
Pinot Griggio girl. I wasn't playing. Think it's important. I
think it's important to reinvent these traditions as we go
throughout the years. Holidays are not as traditional. I don't
(37:57):
even know if we're really supposed to call it Thanksgiving anymore,
because you know, we're deconstructing everything. Construct okay, to unlearn
and relearn Thanksgiving and or Christmas and New Year's redefine
what it means for you. I love that. I love that.
Just be okay with it. Let you make your decisions.
(38:17):
Stand firm minute, establishing minute, and stand firm minute. That's
stop asking everybody for everybody else's opinion. This is your life,
this is your journey. Say that one more time. Your life,
your journey, your choices, your consequences. So some of us
are insecure in that we have to check with everybody.
(38:39):
Is it okay if I what do you think about this?
When the reality is it's your life, be love it,
it's yours. Can you just trust yourself to make these
kinds of decisions when you feel tired? Sit down? You
did good with that, you said sit down. Now you
know we're talking about black and brown community. So what
we say and sat down? Paying attention to yourself though,
(39:08):
and just come out of the I call people hallucinate. Okay,
I know you're fantastic, you're awesome. I'm awesome too, but
we're still human. We break down, we wear out, we
fall down, we don't feel good. And just pretending that
none of those things exists doesn't regenerate, renew, restore or refresh.
(39:29):
Stop letting people make you feel guilty because you need
to set down somewhere to take my new friend. I'm
loving all of it. I feel like people everyone who
are we are setting free on this podcast. They're gonna
feel renewed and have that permission to do what they
need to do moving forward. For these holidays like Alice,
(39:52):
thank you so much, such a joy. I'm so delighted
that you guys thought what I had to say was
worthy and that your work is about lifting up queens
and giving queens resources through which they could use to heal.
Because we don't have no time to not be well
and healthy and strong and fit for our families. That
(40:17):
is so true. Anyone listening. You can learn more from
Alice about these topics and others on her TikTok just
search behavioral intelligence. Thank you so much again, yes, thank you,
thank you, thank you, bless you all. We want to
know how you are feeling about this new season of
(40:37):
Red Table Talk. We are open to talk about anything
with you all, so please send in your questions at
Let's red table that at red table talk dot com
or leave us a voicemail. We want to hear your voice.
Speak to us at speak pipe dot com, slash Let's
red table that. Yeah, tell us what you had to say.
(40:58):
Don't worry about typing, just talking, go to speak talking
dot com. Just talking out and why are you talking?
We want to talk to you one more time and
say thank you, thank you, yes you, thank you so
much for listening. Make sure you subscribe on I Heart
Radio app and please rate this podcast on Apple podcast.
Y'all know we want to five. We'll be back next
week for another episode of Let's Red Table Back Special.
(41:22):
Thanks to executive producers j D. P Keett Smith, Valon,
Jethro and Ellen Racketon. Thank you to our producer colleague
and Nehru and our associate producer Yolanda Chow. And finally,
thanks to our sound engineer, Stephanie Aguilar's table back Let's
Red Table Day, Let's Let's Red Table Back Tay
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