January 27, 2022 • 49 mins
Relationship and sex therapist Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry sits down with Gam to talk candily and openly about doing the deed! Dr. Tiffanie shares tips on everything from lubricant to positions and she introduces us to some very useful sex toys!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode is an intended for mature audience as it
contains adult language. I really really enjoy sex. Can we
talk about your G spot? Gammy? What you want to
talk about my G spot? What about it? Have you
found it? You know what she used? I just found
her recently and I don't want this to end up
with me on the couch. Okay, what's up everybody? I'm
(00:24):
Gammy and this is positively gam Every week I have raw,
in depth conversation with inspirational people pushing for change on
everything from relationships, aging, politics, wellness, to the current issues
facing the black community. But in this episode, we're going
to be talking about sex. After fifty Yes. Joining me
(00:47):
is Dr Tiffany Davis Henry, one of the most sought
after license sex and relationship experts. She even has her
own private practice in Atlanta called Intimate Details, and those
exactly the kind of details we all really want to know.
So Dr Tiffany tell me more about Intimate Details And
why did you land on that particular name. That's such
(01:10):
a good question, Gabby. So like when I started thinking
about the type of work that I knew I wanted
to do within my psychotherapy practice, like I wanted a
name that really resonated with the work, but also kind
of clude people in that it's what we're gonna be
talking about is intimate, but it is within those details
(01:33):
that the work and the healing and the transformation actually happens. Now,
I found that the women appreciate that name. The men
are like, oh no, that means she's get ready to
getting my business. I don't think I want to go.
It's kind of a double edged sword. Some people love
it and then some people are very very skeptical. But
you know, it is the intimate details that I'm after,
(01:55):
and I can't really help with those, you know, whether
it's mental health challenges or actual challenge without getting to
those intimate details. So that's why I think, do you
find that your practice is more individuals or does it
end up being more couples. It's I would say it's
a good mix of both, and it's also a really
(02:15):
good mix of a very I just have a very
diverse clientele. So I see lots of women, lots of
straight couples, lots of gay couples, lots of I see
a lot of trans women. I've seen um just couples
that are older and I see couples that are just
starting out and younger, so it's it's a wide range
(02:37):
of people. There's no set demographic. I will say though,
that one thing that I found early on, especially with
married heterosexual couples, I would get a lot of calls
from men calling for me to see their wives. Really,
the conversation would go something like this, like, you know,
(02:59):
my wife has had been problems. She's just she just
doesn't want to have sex anymore. Her libido is low,
or she's having lists of the sex desire and I
really don't know what's wrong. So can she make an
appointment with you? And I said, well, you know what,
she can, but it would be really helpful if you
would come to I think I know what the problem is,
(03:23):
and the problem is on the other end of this phone.
Can you believe that some man is calling me to
fix his wife. They're analyze the problem gay, that's the problem.
I can relate to that absolutely. I can relate to
feeling like the problem is all mine. Yeah, I'm not
(03:43):
taking that rap anymore. That's the devil's work. I think
things absolutely change as we age. Sex in your twenties
is different from sex in your thirties, and it's different.
It's sex in your forties. It evolves over time. We
evolve over time, and if think about it, it should.
I'm not the same person that I was ten twenty
(04:04):
years ago, So why I think the same things, feel
the same things, be the same person in the bedroom.
Different experiences, different relationships, different abilities. So it definitely changes
as you get older, but it doesn't have to dissipate
or you know, just go away. A lot of times
(04:24):
I think that people feel like, you know, as I'm
getting older, we'll only have so many more years to
have sex and then that's over with. And that's not
the case at all. And I want to just say
to that. I know. I'm hoping that there are young
women that are are listening to this as well, because hopefully,
if they're lucky, you know, they're not having this challenge now,
(04:47):
but they will. And I know that for me things
have only gotten better. Good say for me, say that
you know me perfectly. I I really really enjoy sex. Yeah,
well good, you don't have to giggle about it. It's
like saying with you, and I guess it's just come
(05:09):
from experience and just being open minded because I must
say that based on what my mother told me about sex,
I can certainly understand why I had issues for so
many years. And what was the messaging though, What was
the messaging that your mom shame and guilt. It was
(05:32):
just a lot of shame and get which is so
interesting because my mother was very and I don't want
this to end up with me on the couch. Okay,
well listen, give me. You're not paying me. You're not
paying me, so this is just girlfriends. If you were
paying me, then we'd have a whole another conversation. So
we're just we're just talking, that's all. It was. Just
(05:54):
it was just really I mean, I don't know if
it was like the time, you know, back in the day,
but it was just a lot of shame and guilt
around sex, like don't let a boy put his tongue
in your mouth, and you know, just making it everything
kind of dirty and shameful. Just the opposite with my
daughter with Jada, yeah, you know, and never even shared
(06:18):
with me that she was having these conversations with Dada.
So I'm glad she did. Yeah, because she did a
good job. Shada was quite comfortable with her sexuality and
that wasn't because of me, because I shared with Jada
what my mother shared with me and what my experiences were.
Isn't that just like a grandmother though, to go behind
your back and everything does that? She never said a word.
(06:44):
I had no idea until Jada was like an adult
and shared it with me. And it's funny because I
think the message when when we were younger was it
centered around a lot of around, especially for girls growing up,
not getting pregnant like that was the number one thing.
Don't game to the family. Don't get exactly exactly that's
(07:09):
what That's what I felt like. I felt like she
was trying to scare us, you know, out of not
you know, getting pregnant, and obviously it didn't work because
you know what, I was seventeen. So getting back to
sex after fifty, what kind of changes do you think
(07:30):
that we can expect, you know, as our bodies get older. Yeah,
so sexual functioning in and of itself, So you're looking
at things like desigre or libido, which we've kind of
hinted at. You're looking at arousal and the physiology of
your body kind of getting itself ready for sex, intercourse
(07:50):
and orgasm and that excitement and orgasmic phase as well.
So there are so many things that can change. But
I think the biggest indicator, or one of the biggest
indicators of what's going to cause a change in your
sexual functioning is going to be hormones. That's one of
the biggest ones. You know, as you're getting older, you
(08:11):
have relationship changes. So as people get older, they may
be getting divorced, so you don't necessary in back in
dating pools and things like that, so you have a different,
different set of circumstances and maybe you did twenty years
ago when you got married. I find that individuals that
are older, getting older over fifty, it's a whole new
(08:33):
world for them, just navigating how to date at this
point and when to have sex and what the norms
really are. One of the fastest growing populations of people
with sexually transmitted affections the most increased, right or with
older adults, they're not wearing condoms. Part of that is,
(08:53):
especially with men, there tends to be some sensitivity issues.
So so think about think about it this way. I'm
on a medication that lowers my blood pressure, right, let's
just say that, and erection is blood flow going to
the penis. So now I'm having your reptile issues. And
one of the things that helps me gain an erection
(09:17):
is sensation and feeling. So whether that's through oral sex
or through male manipulation or masturbakin or whatever, that's what
helps me get hard. Right, So now I have to
put on a condom, which condoms are designed basically to
desensitize and help you to last a little bit longer
as well as to protect you from s t I S.
So putting on a condom for a lot of men,
(09:39):
as they get older, especially if they already have some
reptile dysfunction, they don't want to do it. And that's
why because it decreates their sensitivity. And then as people
get older, um too, and as a woman, like let's
say these are to a man and a woman, UM
having sex. I may have a lot of vaginal dryness
(09:59):
and one the few things that I want is this
latex material rubbing against the vaginal laws when I'm already
having a problem with lubrication. But our condoms lubricated, some
of them are, and it depends on what they're lubricated with.
So some people are allergic to latex. Some people are
allergic to certain lubricants so or have sensitivities to those things.
(10:20):
So it's really important that you know what it is
you're putting on and in your body. So sometimes those
some people have irritations just to the lubricant that's on
the condom. So it's it's there are lots of ways
that we can like some add ins and some additions
and things that will help out with that. But also
you know, its sensitivity is an issue with you know,
(10:42):
prolonging intercourse, staying hard, thonger and all of that. You're
gonna want a lou that's got more staying power to
that's not gonna dry out in the middle of sex,
because then it's not fun anymore. Right, Well, talk to
me a little bit before we get into lubrication. Talk
to me a little bit about the female vagina, because
(11:02):
it's more than just dryness. It's also the thinning of
the lining of the vagina. Correct, yes, yes, Because I
think people need to really understand what's going on with
their bodies right um, and I'm not sure that everybody
is really clear. So one of the things that happens
as we age is we tend to have a decrease
(11:25):
in amount of estrogen. Right, women do. And estrogen plays
a huge role in our sexual health and our I
guess really even the way that we feel about our sexuality.
So estrogen, with low levels of estrogen, it's going to
decrease your sex drive or decrease your sexual desire, your
(11:49):
your motivation to be sexual. It increases vaginal dryness, and
with vaginal dryness comes painful intercourse. So what tends to
happen that lining in the vagina tends to get a
little bit, it tends to get thinner. You also have
some elasticity issues. But estrogen is huge. Hormone replacement therapies
(12:11):
and things like that that replaced those estrogens is huge,
and it makes a big, big improvement on people's ability
to feel more sexual and want to have more sex.
When sex is painful, you don't want to have it
any exactly exactly. So even if your desire works fine,
but if the sex is painful, then your desire is
(12:32):
working fine because you don't want to have sex when
it's painful. You shouldn't want to have sex when it's painful.
So let's talk about You talked a little bit about men.
Is there anything else that we need to know about
men as far as the changes that their bodies go through.
So a lot of I think one of the biggest thing,
and we did hints on the erectile issues. So for
(12:55):
men when I see them in my practice, more of
their concerns are about premature jack reculation or erectile dysfunction.
Premature ejaculation meaning basically, I'm ejaculating before I would like to,
and the erectile dysfunction I'm not able to obtain or
maintain an erection for the length of time that i'd
like or the hardness that I would like. Yeah, and
(13:17):
a lot of their issues maybe from medications that they're on.
Correct when it has to medication, if it has to
do with yeah, definitely with erection, it usually is a
blood flow thing, so we're talking about blood pressure. We're
also talking about diabetes as well. So with that effect
(13:39):
their libido as well. It well. So libido is a
funny thing because it's tied to so many things. If
your performance isn't what you want it to be, then
it's not gonna make you want to have sex as much.
So libido sexual desire is one's motivation to be sexual.
So I am feeling like, you know, I'm not performing
(14:01):
at my best. I can't stay hard for longer than
thirty seconds. I don't want to have sex anymore because
it's not fun. It's almost like the person um that
says I've never had an orgasm. They don't want to
have sex, so there's no payoff at the end. Their
(14:23):
goal is either to last a certain amount of time,
or to climax or to have their partner climax, and
if they can't do those things, it makes them less
motivated to have sex. So it does impact the libido
in a way, in a roundabout way. Yeah, So I
feel like a lot of this is really is psychological.
(14:44):
To then, when someone walks in my office and says
they have some sort of sexual issue, whether it's orgasm
or sexual desire or um just being aroused, I'm looking
at three things. I'm looking at the biological, psychological, coal
and social issues. So biological being hormones or medications or
(15:08):
illness that they've had, and things like that that would
impede the physiology of whatever is impacting them. Then I'm
looking at the psychological stuff. So are they depressed, are
they fatigued? How are they sleeping? Are they super anxious,
do they have difficulty with concentration or control? All the
psychological things that I would look at on a normal person,
and then kind of figuring out where those dots connect
(15:30):
for them sexually. And so if you are partnered with
someone that you do not like or the sex isn't
what you would like it to be. Yeah, I always say,
you're like your vagina talks to you. It really does,
and it will shut down on you so fast if
you're so Some times that dryness is not about there
(15:51):
being some sort of hormonal issue. But also, and I'm
sure you have girlfriends that have experienced as people stay
together way past expiration. They that's something that you know,
when I see couples like that, I want to know
what it what that thing is when things turned off,
and what it is we can do to kind of
fix that if they want to. Now, there are some
couples who could care less about exactly. That's That's the
(16:14):
other thing that I wanted to say, Like, some people
are okay with it. Yeah, you know, they're they're they're
totally fine with it. So has there ever been not
in this current relationship, right, but in previous relationships, has
there ever been a time where maybe you didn't feel
like having sex or your partner didn't and that became
like an issue, a real issue in your relationship. Yes, yeah, absolutely.
(16:38):
It was an issue to the point where my husband
at the time wanted us to go to a sex therapist.
Did you go? I did not, But we were in
therapy already, so I did not go to a sex therapist.
But you know, I was able to have conversation about
it and just release some some of that guilt and
(17:01):
shame that I had on but and what he said
to me was, don't you want to feel good? M hm?
And I had to really think about that. I had
to really think about that, like, because once I was
actually engaged, I did absolutely, yes, but it was just
getting there. Oh oh, so you're saying like I didn't
(17:22):
necessarily have the desire before sex started, but once sex
got going, then it was great. The sexual desire was
the part that you were looking right, and so you
feel like it was that part of you that had
been told like sex is bad, you shouldn't enjoy sex.
You just or what was it? I think it was
a little bit of that. I think as as time
(17:43):
went on, it turned out to be the relationship itself,
and a lot of what you were saying before, if
if you're not happy in the relationship, then yeah, yeah,
we're kind of forcing yourself to do something that like
you really not that in are standing doing. And granted
people can have great sex and not like the person,
(18:06):
but it doesn't necessarily make you desire it. It's just
like I do it because you know, it's a stick
I need. And then as time went on and I
was having the physic physiological symptoms, I felt like I
was being made to feel like it was I needed
to figure it out, that we need to figure it out.
And so that's why that example resonated with you. I
(18:28):
think that I gave at the beginning because what typically happens,
especially with men, they feel like the person with the
low desire is the person that's the problem. Yeah, not problem. Yes,
so we're gonna send her to therapy or hymn to therapy.
I'll sit home and wait on her to get fixed
and then we can go ahead. And so, and that's
not the way that I work as a sex therapist,
(18:50):
and most sex therapists won't work that way because what
we know is that there are two people in this relationship,
and there is often something that that other person is
doing or not doing that it's causing the sexual desire
to be low. And so whenever I would get those calls,
and it's just like, well, can you just see this
person and fix them and send them back to me?
Now I need to see you too, sir. Yeah. It
(19:13):
could be that you have talked down to her for
so many years and she's just sick of it and
she doesn't like you anymore, and your behavior, she I
can't make her want to have sex with you. Actually,
her vagina is working just fine. She should not want
to have sex with you because of how you're acting.
And so sometimes people need to hear that and see
that that it's not just because they are the identified
(19:36):
patient the one with the issue, does not mean they
are the one with the problem. Got it, Yeah, got
it all right? So let's move on to toys and loops,
because I feel like some of these toys are very complicated. Now,
(19:59):
I for one, have never been someone who is really
interested in using toys. I just really didn't get it.
And my girl, I can remember my girlfriends we were
talking about it and it was several of them at
the same time that said you don't use toys, and
(20:20):
I was like, no, when you got a man and
know what you're doing, you know what that Well, that's true.
But it turns out that my husband was the one
who bought me my first toy. Awesome. I thought that
was interesting. So it's it's fine, but it's it's a
very basic toy. And sometimes I look at these things
that they just look like contraptions. I'm like, what are
(20:43):
you supposed to say? Don't come with directions? Like I
almost feel like I need a video, like, you know,
you can show me what what I'm supposed to do
with this. Most of the toys you have videos that
go with them if you go to the actual distributors website.
But you know, some of the other videos might be
a little too pornographic. So toys and loops. So one
(21:04):
of the I think one of the greatest gifts, especially
as we age for women and for men, one of
the greatest gifts is lubricants. Yes, and which are the
best because for me, in my experience, it has been
a real struggle, seriously, because I'm about gotting on too
(21:25):
much and if we're just slipping and sliding all over
the place or it's not enough, you know, So it
certainly does. It does depend on what it is that
you're doing and what it is that you're needing at
the time. So one of the best brand, the brand
that I really love and I always will recommend to people,
is called Liquid s l I q u I D
(21:50):
And they make natural and organic loops and that is
why I like them because all of their things, they're
usually glittering free, pair have been free and just very
very easy on the skin, the least amount of skin irritations.
And they come in a lot of different variations. I
(22:10):
have one here this is Liquid oceanics Um. This particular
one is botanical infused and so it has like karagean
nori and wacami. But lubricant is just so it's one
of those things where people just want to be a
hero and don't want to use it, and you know
you need to if your body isn't doing what it
(22:31):
normally would do, especially as we're aging, have the loop
by the bed. There is no tre in that. Younger people,
you know, your bodies don't always work your vagina and
always doing what you wanted to do at the time.
That you wanted to do it. So in terms of
the types of loop though, there are basically three main types.
There's water based, there's silicone base, and then there's a hybrid,
(22:52):
meaning there's a mixture of the two. Water based loops
are really great, obviously, their water based silicone loops tend
to be a lot thicker or a little bit thicker
because they're not water based. The great thing about silicone
based loops is they have more staying power. So we're
looking for something, let's say, for anal sex, I would
(23:13):
not recommend a water based loop because it's going to
dry out quicker. And we know that the anus does
not self lubricate like the vagina dust. So you want
something that's actually gonna stay there and be there for
a minute. But because of that thickness, a lot of
people don't like it for vaginal sex sometimes. But what
with water based loops, so even though they're great, they
(23:34):
will dry out quicker, so you might find if you
need to reapply it. So it is about and so
hybrids are really good because it's kind of the gift
of both either a little bit thicker, but they're not
as watery. Now let me tell you what I used to.
I have like these little vaginal and suppositories that once
again my good good friends shared with me that they
(23:57):
were great, and it's nothing but cocoa butter, it's an
estriol in it, vitamin E and bees wax. We had
these little, tiny little suppositories that I that I use
and and and they work really really well. Now I
still feel like I tend to need a little lubricant
(24:18):
for actual intercourse. There are some women and you probably
will have some listeners that can attest to this. We're
just walking around during the day at the grocery store.
They're having like this feeling of chafing or just vaginal
dryness just from walking around. And so those suppositories are
really great. And you were talking about you were talking
(24:39):
about anal sex, which which I would like to just
touch on a little bit because in another conversation woman
was saying that vaginal penetration as she got older was
so painful for her that she just could not tolerate it.
She chose anal sex interesting, and I thought that was, like,
(25:03):
that's insane. I had a very brief attempt at that
as a young woman, and I was like, absolutely stop
that right now. Don't stop stop, so anal sex doesn't
have to be bad. One of the things that helps
immensely is lube, So that is that's step number one,
(25:25):
and then the right type of lube is step number two.
The other thing that really helps is the person that
is receiving has to be in control, and that's where
people make the mistakes. The person that is penetrating usually
tries to be in control, but because the anus does
not lubricate, and because it has so many nerve endings there,
(25:51):
it is prone to tearing. And the thin the skin
is so thin in the anus, it is very very
much prone to tearing. So the person that's penetrating would
never have an idea about it being painful. The person
on the receiving end would. So that's the person that
kind of needs to start with movements and making sure
that it goes at a pace that they needed. And
(26:12):
a lot of people once they switch who's in control
and have the right loop and pacing is worked out,
they have a better experience. But it's not something I
usually tell people to start with the smallest thing that
they had, Like start with a finger before you go
with a penis and that and that's a good thing,
because she never did clarify. Yeah, any simulation is it's
(26:36):
one of those things like I have I have a
toy here somewhere, um, and I put it out because
I didn't know he was gonna talk about anal sex game.
Well I know that. And my husband tells me that, like, listen,
there are women out here that enjoy that. Because I'm
always like what and he's like, litten, relax on that
because there are people that actually enjoy that. Yeah, And
(27:00):
it's and there are people that don't enjoy some things
that you enjoy. So just when you think about it
that way, we all have our own kink, all of
our things that we like. But anals what I'm gonna
show you is just is an example of a toy.
This is a bit alarming for some people. But this
is an anal plug and they come in different types
(27:21):
of materials and um iterations. This is stainless steel gammy
good good um, and it is quite heavy. It has
some weight to it. And this could be for a
man or a woman. Right, use a lot of loop
and they come in smaller sizes and things like that.
With this, if it's this for a man, it is
(27:41):
really good for prostate stimulation. Guys tend to like this
or that. And for women, sometimes a lot of women
will use these butt plugs or anal bees or things
like that and leave them in. They use use them
for stimulation of the anus right whether they're having sex
or not. But I've known plenty of women to leave
(28:03):
these types of things in while they're having sex. And
the type of orgasm or the fullness that they feel.
It looks like a metal almost like a metal dildo,
but it's as colder than that. Well, it's short, and
and you got to make sure you have the ring
on the end of it too, because you don't want
(28:24):
anything getting stuck up in there. You need to be
able to just pull it right on out. But it
looks like it does not look comfortable to me, But
it does have kind of a curve in it kind of,
so I guess that's where the proces. Yeah, it's gonna
go right on in and then it'll hit the prostate
in a way that is super stimulating to guys. And then,
(28:46):
like I said, for women that use these, they just
have the words that they use are like fullness, like
if they're have this inserted and and it's while they're
having sex. There is a different type of stimulation orgasm
or vaginal orgasm that they get. That's interesting. I'm gonna
stay right over there though. That's fine, that's that is
(29:10):
absolutely fine. So can we talk? Can we talk about
your G spot? Gammy? What you want to talk about
my spot? What about it? Have you found it? You
know what she used? Okay, I just found her recently.
What's going on? What's her name? For women that don't know,
I think I always love to talk about that just
because a lot of people feel like, okay, a cltal orgasm, Yeah,
(29:31):
I know what that is. I have those all the time,
vaginal orgasms, Okay, but the G spot orgasm seems to
be pretty elusive for a lot of people. They either
feel like they don't have a G spot if they
never had the orgasm, or if they've had it, they've
had it once or twice, or and what usually happens
is they don't allow themselves to have it. So the
G spot, I'm the stand up just for a minute,
(29:53):
although I know, like this is a podcast and folks
can't always see. Okay, yes, and you'll tell people, so
if you're standing up in front of me if I
were to insert my fingers this way, right, it is
about two to three inches up here, right within the
vaginal wall, pelvis, all of that right, so about two
(30:15):
three and it's gonna feel kind of like a being
or pe a line of being. It's just yeah, it's
just a yeah kind of. So, with prolonged stimulation of
the G spot, you will have a different type of
orgasm than like your cltal orgasm or your vaginal orgasm.
And a lot of women will report swirting, which is
(30:37):
a gush of fluid when they have an orgasm. A
lot of times it's gonna feel like you're pe or
that you have to pee. So when you're in bed,
or when you're wherever you are with your partner and
they're stimulating you with your hands, or even if it's
with a toy and you start to have that feeling
of oh my gosh, I have to pee, I gotta
(30:59):
stop a lot of times it's not that you have
to pee, it's just that the G spot sits next
to the scheme's gland. So the G spot, with prolonged stimulation,
it becomes a lot more pronounced or more engorged with blood. Right,
So that makes it thicker. And when that happens is
that it starts to press up against the bladder, that engorgement,
(31:22):
that little lump that you're starting to feel it's gonna
press up against the bladder, and for some people that
causes what feels like contractions of the bladder or spasm
ng of those bladder muscles. And it's usually not that
you have to pee, but that sensation is what's making
you feel as though you do. And if you're one
(31:44):
of those lucky or blessed individuals who has experienced a
g spot orgasm, you know, if you're having that prolonged stimulation,
while it may seem like or feel like you're gonna pee,
that fluid is actual coming from the skins glan which
sits right next to urethra on either side, and that
(32:05):
is thought to be kind of a female prostate, and
it is an ejaculate. It is not urine, but it
is a hell of a good time and it's a
great orgasm. And I like to say that it's a
neat party trick for people that actually can do it.
But more often than not, if you're feeling like you
have to urinate or p um and you know that
(32:27):
your bladder is empty. Just ride that feeling on out
and you will probably have one of the best orgasms
of your life. And to ensure that you don't pe,
just pee before you start, P, before you start love making, P,
before you start your inter chorus, P, before you start like,
just pee first, and then you don't have to worry
about that. You'll already know in your mind, Okay, this
(32:47):
is not I don't have to pee because I just pee. Yeah, Well,
that that was very interesting when I found that spot.
I bet it was found that spot myself. When you
have those vibrators and I think you mentioned some of
(33:09):
these that kind of have a curb at the top
or the rabbit or hook or whatever, a lot of
times it's so that it gets to that G spot.
So sometimes when they have those tips on them that
look a little funny or they curb over, that's for
G spot pleasure. That's what those Okay, so I'm gonna
scare you again, Gammy, I'm so sorry. In advance. This
(33:30):
is another toy. It's by it's by the same company.
It's called enjoy in j O y Um, and it's
this what in the entirety are you supposed to do
with that a huge thing. It's not that big, it's
it is one, but the whole thing isn't going in there. Gammy,
(33:51):
my goodness. So here's the thing. This is called a
pure wand it looks like a great big smiley face.
That's the shape of it. Smile pay, but it really
doesn't smiles. And it hooks rightly as you right to
the g spot. The thing about the loop, so you
could use a water base or a silicone use loop
(34:12):
with something like this UM, but most of the toys
that you have UM on the market today are gonna
be some form of silicone and never want to use
This is super important. You never want to use a
silicone loop with a silicone TOYO. It sounds kind of
it sounds like you would want to do that, but
(34:33):
what happens with silicone loops is they start to break
down the integra the toy, so you end up getting
more bacteria and things like that in it, and then
the toy you end up having a throw the tory
way sooner than you would now that is that is
one thing too about the metal UM toys that you've
been showing. It does look like they're easier to clean
(34:54):
and make. It's got a whole lot of crevices. And yeah,
with any of those, make sure that there I was say,
medical grade silicone is what I look for, and it'll
say it on the package. Sometimes you do have to
spend a little bit more, but I think it's so
much better and those products are safer. You want to
um try and make sure that they don't have things
like parabins or thalids, which is a toxic gas kind
(35:17):
of chemical that they put to preserve toys and things.
You don't want those in those products because you're putting
those toxics then into your body. So get medical grade products.
So stainless steel is great, medical grade silicone glass is
really good. Now we gotta get these men involved. So
the next two that I'm gonna show you are for
(35:38):
men or or a couple of toys. I say a
couple of toys therefore men, but it really is going
to benefit you. So one of the things that guys
tend to be intimidated by, obviously are those big deal thos,
the big penises with the rabbit on the end and
the pearls that spin around and all that, because their
penises will never do at and so a lot of
(36:01):
times they feel like, well, if you're gonna if you're
doing that, like what can I do? That's a lot
of times why they don't like toys. So what we
want to do is kind of empower guys. They don't
have to be scared of it, and I think we
can include them in the process. So this is one
thing that I recommend to include them in the process.
Is a penis ring. This is what a different type
(36:23):
of penis ring. Again, this is a rechargeable toy medical
gray silicone. This expands so it goes over the penis
and at the base of the penis, so closest to
the body, right, And so what happens is as he
becomes erect, it causes the blood flow to stay at
the penis. So if I have a guy who has
(36:44):
problems with maintaining an erection, a penis ring is really
really good because it's gonna trap blood flow towards the
end of it. So when you're supposed to put that
on in the beginning before he gets it wrecked, yes, okay,
or at the beginning the process process. Right beginning of
the process is a little bit easier, but even after
(37:05):
he's erect, it's gonna stretch, So yeah, you can put
it on after he's erect, and then it traps blood flow. There.
The great thing about this one is that it vibrates,
so he then feels like he's got a penis as
a power tool. As he's penetrating you, you're feeling that
vibration too, so you're getting cleteral stimulation. See, Okay, because
(37:28):
I was one of those that I didn't know how
to use. Yeah, and I think a lot of people
wait until they're erect to put him on, which I
think is fine. Just put it on base of the penis,
turn it on. It vibrates. He feels amazing because he
feels like he's doing something he you've never done before.
It is pilotic. And then for you, he starts to
(37:49):
his penis does kind of vibrate a little bit. But
as he's as he's going in and out penetrating, you're
feeling that on your clitterance, which is so love it.
You will love you will love those people love it.
So definitely try it. Okay, I definitely try this. And
I have one yes, have to go shopping and the
next you got homework today, work now the next one
(38:13):
is another one that you're gonna be like, what in
the world is that? So this last one is one
that does confuse people when they see it, but they
get it. Have you seen something that looks like this?
I have and what I don't know that does? Okay,
I'm explaining this to you too. Do you have one
of these? No? I don't. You're gonna get one. So
this is a we vibe W E B I B E.
(38:36):
And they have a lot of different versions of this.
They're probably up to like five or six now. But
what this is is a couple's toy. You can use
this individually for you, or it can be for you
and him. I love it as a couple's toy. This
is a toy that I give to people when they
get married, like this is my wedding gift. This bottom
part is inserted in you. And this is a rechargeable
(38:58):
toy too. There's little bitty bitty hole. I don't even
think you can. You can barely see it as right here,
and it's waterproof. So let's say this is the vagina,
right it goes the bottom part goes in just like this, right, Okay,
So it's inside the vagina clatorus is here, so this
part is vibrating, so you're getting cliteral stimulation. Right, he
(39:22):
enters you here, so he's feeling the vibration on his
penis and and as he enters is pushing up against
your G spot, so you're getting c literal ANGI spot
simulation and his penis is getting stimulated. This has to
have this, you have to. This is great wow. And
(39:45):
it's medical gray silicone again, so this is something that's
super easy to clean. And you'll use a water based
lupercant with this. The cockering and the we vibe. I'm
definitely feeling the weed vibe alright. So onto debunking some
(40:07):
of these whole myths that are out here, because there
are plenty. So Number one, after menopause, women experience a
permanent decrease in libido true or false false false false.
Some people do experience increases or decreases. I think that
sexual desire, hands down is the number one thing that
(40:30):
brings people into my office when they have a low
sexual desire. But the truth is that of women at
some point in their life will have low sex desire
exactly almost all. And I actually think that the number
is higher. I think all of us will experience it
at some point. It ebbs and flows, It fluctuates depending
on where you are in the relationship, where you are
(40:53):
in life cycle, where you just are in life. So
exactly exactly, because I know, like in my fifties, I
really I was going through a lot of medical issues
at that time too, and so I had a huge
drop in my libido. But now, you know, now I'm
in my sixties, and it seems like my libido has
really come back full force. And I think a lot
(41:16):
of that has to do with my relationship as well,
probably doing your relationship with yourself, like yeah, and having
been through all of that. So I always tell my
friends who are struggling, like, keep hope alive, they don't
come back, don't worry. Yeah, you know, they always say,
you know, And I think it's important to remind and
I've been reminding myself of this all year. Is this
(41:38):
to shell pass. So even if it's a good time
that you're having in great sex, this too, sial pirls
might but if it's bad, this social pass. Right, Okay,
myth number two orgasms disappear after menopause. We ain't doing that.
We ain't living that life. That's what you can definitely
(42:03):
definitely attest to that that now. They may be a
little bit more challenging to get at times, and you
may find different types of orgasms as you age, just
like you you just found your juice spot on. But
there are people who have anal orgasms and find a
different type of orgasm. Yeah. So I think our orgasmic
(42:27):
capacity changes over time. Whereas you know, some women say,
you know a cltal orgasm, I always get it, and
then there becomes a time when like it's not as
easy to get, or a vaginal orgasm has been evasive
all these years, but finally you're able to have them.
So it's gonna fluctuate the type of orgasm you have.
Is things will work sometimes and not. That's why position
(42:50):
Different positions are great and toys are awesome. Okay, one
thing you do you just talked about is positioning. What
is the best way to try to introduce different positions?
There are you can get these on Amazon or sex
toy shops and even some just regular Barns and Noble
(43:11):
prestanding bookstores will have books of sex positions. And I
think those are great because a lot of times we
get stuck in our head about the positions that we've
always done or that our partner has always done, and
we can't really think outside of the box. Sometimes it
takes a visual of seeing a different position to say
(43:31):
I don't know, nobody can do that, or you know,
And so I think trying different positions is great, and
especially especially as we age, certain positions may cause pain.
So lying on your back might not be the thing
for you for a long period of time if you
have let's say, sciatic nerve problems or different types of issues,
(43:51):
or maybe leg pain will cause you not to be
able to do a certain position. So definitely, as we age,
we have to think about different positions. Another kind of
pseudo toy is a wedge. A lot of there are
a lot of Liberator makes one. I think Candy makes
one now one, and I you know, I actually just
(44:12):
saw that recently and I was like, wow, I think
I might want to try that. It's a good idea,
especially because it takes pressure off certain areas of the body.
It allows you to position yourself. So before buying it,
if you're trying to decide if this would be helpful
or not, use talking of pillows to see how it.
If you have kind of an adjustable mattress, use that
(44:33):
to your advantage as well, just to see if a
different positioning of your head or your kIPS or your
legs would help. But those position books really do help,
because I think sometimes we get kind of stuck in
our ways and don't think about things. But if you
take it, take positioning and use that as kind of
your sex toy, A lot of people find greater comforts also,
(44:54):
like straps and I know, swings and all those kinds
of stuff. Those aren't a necessarily the things that people
envision themselves having in their bedroom, but they certainly do help,
especially when we talk about like disability or not being
able to have like missionary style sex, or I need
to be sitting up because of how you know, my
back or my leg pain or whatever. You can still
(45:16):
have sex and have some ailments and things going on.
You just have to have the right supports in place
to be able to do it right. And what would
you say is the best way to introduce that kind
of discussion? Though I still find it just a tap
it awkward. So one thing one thing that I would
suggest is to have people listen to this podcast. Just say,
(45:40):
you know what, will you listen to this podcast with
me and then we can talk about it afterwards. What
did you learn? Let me tell you what I took away. Yeah,
so so that kind of thing. I think. Also one
thing that I do have people do, especially when they're
in my office, and granted they're in my office because
they have some sort of issue. I love a good
(46:03):
always sometimes the never lists for people. So always are
the things and couples will work on there is independently
and then's share it with people. But when it comes
to sex, like these are the things that I will
always do. I'm always down for oral sex. I'm always gonna,
you know, kiss the back of your neck like you
like it or whatever it is. Sometimes we can do
(46:24):
an't know, but just don't be expecting it every time,
because I got to get my mind around that there's
always there these always, sometimes and never things and then
get a person, get each of you in the in
a relationship to write your own lists and then swap
them out sharing with each other. That's one way. Oh
that's a good way. I like that I like And
then once we get that book of positions, right, I
(46:47):
would if it's a paper book, and I know we
don't necessarily want to destroy books, but one thing that
you could do is tear out each page, ball it
up or fold it up, put it in a big
basket or jar, and each night and then it's a surprise.
Oh that's cool. That's a great idea like that, Okay, cool,
(47:09):
This has been a blast. Thank you so much for
sharing your your expred avice. You guys can find all
of Dr Tiffany's information on our website, Dr Tiffany dot
com and we will definitely need to have a part
two so I can scare yes, because you've got homework girl,
and I need to know everything that had absolutely, thank
(47:29):
you so much. I appreciate you. Here are a few
takeaways from my conversation with Dr Tiffany. Number one, the
person with the problem is not always the one causing it.
M Number two, Aging is a process. We all will
go through it if we're blessed, so give yourself great.
Number three the always sometimes never list great idea to
(47:54):
start a conversation about trying new things. Number four, no
silicon own on silicone, got it? No silicone on silicone.
Remember that that's important. Number five, remember to p first
before sex. And on that note, I'm headed out to
get my weed by Thank you guys for listening, and
(48:14):
thank you again to my guest, Dr Tiffany Davis Henry.
If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate
and review the episode. Follow me on Instagram at Adrian
Banfield Nurris to share with me your thoughts on the episode.
I'm here, I'm talking, and I'm listening, and there's always
(48:34):
stay grateful. Positively GAM is produced by Westbrook Audio. Executive
producers Adrian Banfield Narris, Jada Pinkett Smith, Amanda Brown, and
Fallon jethro Co Executive producer sim Hoti, segment producer Ash Francis,
(48:58):
Associate producers Erica Ron and Kobe Hartberg, editor and mixer
Calvin Bailiff. Positively GAM is in partnership with Art nineteen
h
This episode is an intended for mature audience as it
contains adult language. I really really enjoy sex. Can we
talk about your G spot? Gammy? What you want to
talk about my G spot? What about it? Have you
found it? You know what she used? I just found
her recently and I don't want this to end up
with me on the couch. Okay, what's up everybody? I'm
(00:24):
Gammy and this is positively gam Every week I have raw,
in depth conversation with inspirational people pushing for change on
everything from relationships, aging, politics, wellness, to the current issues
facing the black community. But in this episode, we're going
to be talking about sex. After fifty Yes. Joining me
(00:47):
is Dr Tiffany Davis Henry, one of the most sought
after license sex and relationship experts. She even has her
own private practice in Atlanta called Intimate Details, and those
exactly the kind of details we all really want to know.
So Dr Tiffany tell me more about Intimate Details And
why did you land on that particular name. That's such
(01:10):
a good question, Gabby. So like when I started thinking
about the type of work that I knew I wanted
to do within my psychotherapy practice, like I wanted a
name that really resonated with the work, but also kind
of clude people in that it's what we're gonna be
talking about is intimate, but it is within those details
(01:33):
that the work and the healing and the transformation actually happens. Now,
I found that the women appreciate that name. The men
are like, oh no, that means she's get ready to
getting my business. I don't think I want to go.
It's kind of a double edged sword. Some people love
it and then some people are very very skeptical. But
you know, it is the intimate details that I'm after,
(01:55):
and I can't really help with those, you know, whether
it's mental health challenges or actual challenge without getting to
those intimate details. So that's why I think, do you
find that your practice is more individuals or does it
end up being more couples. It's I would say it's
a good mix of both, and it's also a really
(02:15):
good mix of a very I just have a very
diverse clientele. So I see lots of women, lots of
straight couples, lots of gay couples, lots of I see
a lot of trans women. I've seen um just couples
that are older and I see couples that are just
starting out and younger, so it's it's a wide range
(02:37):
of people. There's no set demographic. I will say though,
that one thing that I found early on, especially with
married heterosexual couples, I would get a lot of calls
from men calling for me to see their wives. Really,
the conversation would go something like this, like, you know,
(02:59):
my wife has had been problems. She's just she just
doesn't want to have sex anymore. Her libido is low,
or she's having lists of the sex desire and I
really don't know what's wrong. So can she make an
appointment with you? And I said, well, you know what,
she can, but it would be really helpful if you
would come to I think I know what the problem is,
(03:23):
and the problem is on the other end of this phone.
Can you believe that some man is calling me to
fix his wife. They're analyze the problem gay, that's the problem.
I can relate to that absolutely. I can relate to
feeling like the problem is all mine. Yeah, I'm not
(03:43):
taking that rap anymore. That's the devil's work. I think
things absolutely change as we age. Sex in your twenties
is different from sex in your thirties, and it's different.
It's sex in your forties. It evolves over time. We
evolve over time, and if think about it, it should.
I'm not the same person that I was ten twenty
(04:04):
years ago, So why I think the same things, feel
the same things, be the same person in the bedroom.
Different experiences, different relationships, different abilities. So it definitely changes
as you get older, but it doesn't have to dissipate
or you know, just go away. A lot of times
(04:24):
I think that people feel like, you know, as I'm
getting older, we'll only have so many more years to
have sex and then that's over with. And that's not
the case at all. And I want to just say
to that. I know. I'm hoping that there are young
women that are are listening to this as well, because hopefully,
if they're lucky, you know, they're not having this challenge now,
(04:47):
but they will. And I know that for me things
have only gotten better. Good say for me, say that
you know me perfectly. I I really really enjoy sex. Yeah,
well good, you don't have to giggle about it. It's
like saying with you, and I guess it's just come
(05:09):
from experience and just being open minded because I must
say that based on what my mother told me about sex,
I can certainly understand why I had issues for so
many years. And what was the messaging though, What was
the messaging that your mom shame and guilt. It was
(05:32):
just a lot of shame and get which is so
interesting because my mother was very and I don't want
this to end up with me on the couch. Okay,
well listen, give me. You're not paying me. You're not
paying me, so this is just girlfriends. If you were
paying me, then we'd have a whole another conversation. So
we're just we're just talking, that's all. It was. Just
(05:54):
it was just really I mean, I don't know if
it was like the time, you know, back in the day,
but it was just a lot of shame and guilt
around sex, like don't let a boy put his tongue
in your mouth, and you know, just making it everything
kind of dirty and shameful. Just the opposite with my
daughter with Jada, yeah, you know, and never even shared
(06:18):
with me that she was having these conversations with Dada.
So I'm glad she did. Yeah, because she did a
good job. Shada was quite comfortable with her sexuality and
that wasn't because of me, because I shared with Jada
what my mother shared with me and what my experiences were.
Isn't that just like a grandmother though, to go behind
your back and everything does that? She never said a word.
(06:44):
I had no idea until Jada was like an adult
and shared it with me. And it's funny because I
think the message when when we were younger was it
centered around a lot of around, especially for girls growing up,
not getting pregnant like that was the number one thing.
Don't game to the family. Don't get exactly exactly that's
(07:09):
what That's what I felt like. I felt like she
was trying to scare us, you know, out of not
you know, getting pregnant, and obviously it didn't work because
you know what, I was seventeen. So getting back to
sex after fifty, what kind of changes do you think
(07:30):
that we can expect, you know, as our bodies get older. Yeah,
so sexual functioning in and of itself, So you're looking
at things like desigre or libido, which we've kind of
hinted at. You're looking at arousal and the physiology of
your body kind of getting itself ready for sex, intercourse
(07:50):
and orgasm and that excitement and orgasmic phase as well.
So there are so many things that can change. But
I think the biggest indicator, or one of the biggest
indicators of what's going to cause a change in your
sexual functioning is going to be hormones. That's one of
the biggest ones. You know, as you're getting older, you
(08:11):
have relationship changes. So as people get older, they may
be getting divorced, so you don't necessary in back in
dating pools and things like that, so you have a different,
different set of circumstances and maybe you did twenty years
ago when you got married. I find that individuals that
are older, getting older over fifty, it's a whole new
(08:33):
world for them, just navigating how to date at this
point and when to have sex and what the norms
really are. One of the fastest growing populations of people
with sexually transmitted affections the most increased, right or with
older adults, they're not wearing condoms. Part of that is,
(08:53):
especially with men, there tends to be some sensitivity issues.
So so think about think about it this way. I'm
on a medication that lowers my blood pressure, right, let's
just say that, and erection is blood flow going to
the penis. So now I'm having your reptile issues. And
one of the things that helps me gain an erection
(09:17):
is sensation and feeling. So whether that's through oral sex
or through male manipulation or masturbakin or whatever, that's what
helps me get hard. Right, So now I have to
put on a condom, which condoms are designed basically to
desensitize and help you to last a little bit longer
as well as to protect you from s t I S.
So putting on a condom for a lot of men,
(09:39):
as they get older, especially if they already have some
reptile dysfunction, they don't want to do it. And that's
why because it decreates their sensitivity. And then as people
get older, um too, and as a woman, like let's
say these are to a man and a woman, UM
having sex. I may have a lot of vaginal dryness
(09:59):
and one the few things that I want is this
latex material rubbing against the vaginal laws when I'm already
having a problem with lubrication. But our condoms lubricated, some
of them are, and it depends on what they're lubricated with.
So some people are allergic to latex. Some people are
allergic to certain lubricants so or have sensitivities to those things.
(10:20):
So it's really important that you know what it is
you're putting on and in your body. So sometimes those
some people have irritations just to the lubricant that's on
the condom. So it's it's there are lots of ways
that we can like some add ins and some additions
and things that will help out with that. But also
you know, its sensitivity is an issue with you know,
(10:42):
prolonging intercourse, staying hard, thonger and all of that. You're
gonna want a lou that's got more staying power to
that's not gonna dry out in the middle of sex,
because then it's not fun anymore. Right, Well, talk to
me a little bit before we get into lubrication. Talk
to me a little bit about the female vagina, because
(11:02):
it's more than just dryness. It's also the thinning of
the lining of the vagina. Correct, yes, yes, Because I
think people need to really understand what's going on with
their bodies right um, and I'm not sure that everybody
is really clear. So one of the things that happens
as we age is we tend to have a decrease
(11:25):
in amount of estrogen. Right, women do. And estrogen plays
a huge role in our sexual health and our I
guess really even the way that we feel about our sexuality.
So estrogen, with low levels of estrogen, it's going to
decrease your sex drive or decrease your sexual desire, your
(11:49):
your motivation to be sexual. It increases vaginal dryness, and
with vaginal dryness comes painful intercourse. So what tends to
happen that lining in the vagina tends to get a
little bit, it tends to get thinner. You also have
some elasticity issues. But estrogen is huge. Hormone replacement therapies
(12:11):
and things like that that replaced those estrogens is huge,
and it makes a big, big improvement on people's ability
to feel more sexual and want to have more sex.
When sex is painful, you don't want to have it
any exactly exactly. So even if your desire works fine,
but if the sex is painful, then your desire is
(12:32):
working fine because you don't want to have sex when
it's painful. You shouldn't want to have sex when it's painful.
So let's talk about You talked a little bit about men.
Is there anything else that we need to know about
men as far as the changes that their bodies go through.
So a lot of I think one of the biggest thing,
and we did hints on the erectile issues. So for
(12:55):
men when I see them in my practice, more of
their concerns are about premature jack reculation or erectile dysfunction.
Premature ejaculation meaning basically, I'm ejaculating before I would like to,
and the erectile dysfunction I'm not able to obtain or
maintain an erection for the length of time that i'd
like or the hardness that I would like. Yeah, and
(13:17):
a lot of their issues maybe from medications that they're on.
Correct when it has to medication, if it has to
do with yeah, definitely with erection, it usually is a
blood flow thing, so we're talking about blood pressure. We're
also talking about diabetes as well. So with that effect
(13:39):
their libido as well. It well. So libido is a
funny thing because it's tied to so many things. If
your performance isn't what you want it to be, then
it's not gonna make you want to have sex as much.
So libido sexual desire is one's motivation to be sexual.
So I am feeling like, you know, I'm not performing
(14:01):
at my best. I can't stay hard for longer than
thirty seconds. I don't want to have sex anymore because
it's not fun. It's almost like the person um that
says I've never had an orgasm. They don't want to
have sex, so there's no payoff at the end. Their
(14:23):
goal is either to last a certain amount of time,
or to climax or to have their partner climax, and
if they can't do those things, it makes them less
motivated to have sex. So it does impact the libido
in a way, in a roundabout way. Yeah, So I
feel like a lot of this is really is psychological.
(14:44):
To then, when someone walks in my office and says
they have some sort of sexual issue, whether it's orgasm
or sexual desire or um just being aroused, I'm looking
at three things. I'm looking at the biological, psychological, coal
and social issues. So biological being hormones or medications or
(15:08):
illness that they've had, and things like that that would
impede the physiology of whatever is impacting them. Then I'm
looking at the psychological stuff. So are they depressed, are
they fatigued? How are they sleeping? Are they super anxious,
do they have difficulty with concentration or control? All the
psychological things that I would look at on a normal person,
and then kind of figuring out where those dots connect
(15:30):
for them sexually. And so if you are partnered with
someone that you do not like or the sex isn't
what you would like it to be. Yeah, I always say,
you're like your vagina talks to you. It really does,
and it will shut down on you so fast if
you're so Some times that dryness is not about there
(15:51):
being some sort of hormonal issue. But also, and I'm
sure you have girlfriends that have experienced as people stay
together way past expiration. They that's something that you know,
when I see couples like that, I want to know
what it what that thing is when things turned off,
and what it is we can do to kind of
fix that if they want to. Now, there are some
couples who could care less about exactly. That's That's the
(16:14):
other thing that I wanted to say, Like, some people
are okay with it. Yeah, you know, they're they're they're
totally fine with it. So has there ever been not
in this current relationship, right, but in previous relationships, has
there ever been a time where maybe you didn't feel
like having sex or your partner didn't and that became
like an issue, a real issue in your relationship. Yes, yeah, absolutely.
(16:38):
It was an issue to the point where my husband
at the time wanted us to go to a sex therapist.
Did you go? I did not, But we were in
therapy already, so I did not go to a sex therapist.
But you know, I was able to have conversation about
it and just release some some of that guilt and
(17:01):
shame that I had on but and what he said
to me was, don't you want to feel good? M hm?
And I had to really think about that. I had
to really think about that, like, because once I was
actually engaged, I did absolutely, yes, but it was just
getting there. Oh oh, so you're saying like I didn't
(17:22):
necessarily have the desire before sex started, but once sex
got going, then it was great. The sexual desire was
the part that you were looking right, and so you
feel like it was that part of you that had
been told like sex is bad, you shouldn't enjoy sex.
You just or what was it? I think it was
a little bit of that. I think as as time
(17:43):
went on, it turned out to be the relationship itself,
and a lot of what you were saying before, if
if you're not happy in the relationship, then yeah, yeah,
we're kind of forcing yourself to do something that like
you really not that in are standing doing. And granted
people can have great sex and not like the person,
(18:06):
but it doesn't necessarily make you desire it. It's just
like I do it because you know, it's a stick
I need. And then as time went on and I
was having the physic physiological symptoms, I felt like I
was being made to feel like it was I needed
to figure it out, that we need to figure it out.
And so that's why that example resonated with you. I
(18:28):
think that I gave at the beginning because what typically happens,
especially with men, they feel like the person with the
low desire is the person that's the problem. Yeah, not problem. Yes,
so we're gonna send her to therapy or hymn to therapy.
I'll sit home and wait on her to get fixed
and then we can go ahead. And so, and that's
not the way that I work as a sex therapist,
(18:50):
and most sex therapists won't work that way because what
we know is that there are two people in this relationship,
and there is often something that that other person is
doing or not doing that it's causing the sexual desire
to be low. And so whenever I would get those calls,
and it's just like, well, can you just see this
person and fix them and send them back to me?
Now I need to see you too, sir. Yeah. It
(19:13):
could be that you have talked down to her for
so many years and she's just sick of it and
she doesn't like you anymore, and your behavior, she I
can't make her want to have sex with you. Actually,
her vagina is working just fine. She should not want
to have sex with you because of how you're acting.
And so sometimes people need to hear that and see
that that it's not just because they are the identified
(19:36):
patient the one with the issue, does not mean they
are the one with the problem. Got it, Yeah, got
it all right? So let's move on to toys and loops,
because I feel like some of these toys are very complicated. Now,
(19:59):
I for one, have never been someone who is really
interested in using toys. I just really didn't get it.
And my girl, I can remember my girlfriends we were
talking about it and it was several of them at
the same time that said you don't use toys, and
(20:20):
I was like, no, when you got a man and
know what you're doing, you know what that Well, that's true.
But it turns out that my husband was the one
who bought me my first toy. Awesome. I thought that
was interesting. So it's it's fine, but it's it's a
very basic toy. And sometimes I look at these things
that they just look like contraptions. I'm like, what are
(20:43):
you supposed to say? Don't come with directions? Like I
almost feel like I need a video, like, you know,
you can show me what what I'm supposed to do
with this. Most of the toys you have videos that
go with them if you go to the actual distributors website.
But you know, some of the other videos might be
a little too pornographic. So toys and loops. So one
(21:04):
of the I think one of the greatest gifts, especially
as we age for women and for men, one of
the greatest gifts is lubricants. Yes, and which are the
best because for me, in my experience, it has been
a real struggle, seriously, because I'm about gotting on too
(21:25):
much and if we're just slipping and sliding all over
the place or it's not enough, you know, So it
certainly does. It does depend on what it is that
you're doing and what it is that you're needing at
the time. So one of the best brand, the brand
that I really love and I always will recommend to people,
is called Liquid s l I q u I D
(21:50):
And they make natural and organic loops and that is
why I like them because all of their things, they're
usually glittering free, pair have been free and just very
very easy on the skin, the least amount of skin irritations.
And they come in a lot of different variations. I
(22:10):
have one here this is Liquid oceanics Um. This particular
one is botanical infused and so it has like karagean
nori and wacami. But lubricant is just so it's one
of those things where people just want to be a
hero and don't want to use it, and you know
you need to if your body isn't doing what it
(22:31):
normally would do, especially as we're aging, have the loop
by the bed. There is no tre in that. Younger people,
you know, your bodies don't always work your vagina and
always doing what you wanted to do at the time.
That you wanted to do it. So in terms of
the types of loop though, there are basically three main types.
There's water based, there's silicone base, and then there's a hybrid,
(22:52):
meaning there's a mixture of the two. Water based loops
are really great, obviously, their water based silicone loops tend
to be a lot thicker or a little bit thicker
because they're not water based. The great thing about silicone
based loops is they have more staying power. So we're
looking for something, let's say, for anal sex, I would
(23:13):
not recommend a water based loop because it's going to
dry out quicker. And we know that the anus does
not self lubricate like the vagina dust. So you want
something that's actually gonna stay there and be there for
a minute. But because of that thickness, a lot of
people don't like it for vaginal sex sometimes. But what
with water based loops, so even though they're great, they
(23:34):
will dry out quicker, so you might find if you
need to reapply it. So it is about and so
hybrids are really good because it's kind of the gift
of both either a little bit thicker, but they're not
as watery. Now let me tell you what I used to.
I have like these little vaginal and suppositories that once
again my good good friends shared with me that they
(23:57):
were great, and it's nothing but cocoa butter, it's an
estriol in it, vitamin E and bees wax. We had
these little, tiny little suppositories that I that I use
and and and they work really really well. Now I
still feel like I tend to need a little lubricant
(24:18):
for actual intercourse. There are some women and you probably
will have some listeners that can attest to this. We're
just walking around during the day at the grocery store.
They're having like this feeling of chafing or just vaginal
dryness just from walking around. And so those suppositories are
really great. And you were talking about you were talking
(24:39):
about anal sex, which which I would like to just
touch on a little bit because in another conversation woman
was saying that vaginal penetration as she got older was
so painful for her that she just could not tolerate it.
She chose anal sex interesting, and I thought that was, like,
(25:03):
that's insane. I had a very brief attempt at that
as a young woman, and I was like, absolutely stop
that right now. Don't stop stop, so anal sex doesn't
have to be bad. One of the things that helps
immensely is lube, So that is that's step number one,
(25:25):
and then the right type of lube is step number two.
The other thing that really helps is the person that
is receiving has to be in control, and that's where
people make the mistakes. The person that is penetrating usually
tries to be in control, but because the anus does
not lubricate, and because it has so many nerve endings there,
(25:51):
it is prone to tearing. And the thin the skin
is so thin in the anus, it is very very
much prone to tearing. So the person that's penetrating would
never have an idea about it being painful. The person
on the receiving end would. So that's the person that
kind of needs to start with movements and making sure
that it goes at a pace that they needed. And
(26:12):
a lot of people once they switch who's in control
and have the right loop and pacing is worked out,
they have a better experience. But it's not something I
usually tell people to start with the smallest thing that
they had, Like start with a finger before you go
with a penis and that and that's a good thing,
because she never did clarify. Yeah, any simulation is it's
(26:36):
one of those things like I have I have a
toy here somewhere, um, and I put it out because
I didn't know he was gonna talk about anal sex game.
Well I know that. And my husband tells me that, like, listen,
there are women out here that enjoy that. Because I'm
always like what and he's like, litten, relax on that
because there are people that actually enjoy that. Yeah, And
(27:00):
it's and there are people that don't enjoy some things
that you enjoy. So just when you think about it
that way, we all have our own kink, all of
our things that we like. But anals what I'm gonna
show you is just is an example of a toy.
This is a bit alarming for some people. But this
is an anal plug and they come in different types
(27:21):
of materials and um iterations. This is stainless steel gammy
good good um, and it is quite heavy. It has
some weight to it. And this could be for a
man or a woman. Right, use a lot of loop
and they come in smaller sizes and things like that.
With this, if it's this for a man, it is
(27:41):
really good for prostate stimulation. Guys tend to like this
or that. And for women, sometimes a lot of women
will use these butt plugs or anal bees or things
like that and leave them in. They use use them
for stimulation of the anus right whether they're having sex
or not. But I've known plenty of women to leave
(28:03):
these types of things in while they're having sex. And
the type of orgasm or the fullness that they feel.
It looks like a metal almost like a metal dildo,
but it's as colder than that. Well, it's short, and
and you got to make sure you have the ring
on the end of it too, because you don't want
(28:24):
anything getting stuck up in there. You need to be
able to just pull it right on out. But it
looks like it does not look comfortable to me, But
it does have kind of a curve in it kind of,
so I guess that's where the proces. Yeah, it's gonna
go right on in and then it'll hit the prostate
in a way that is super stimulating to guys. And then,
(28:46):
like I said, for women that use these, they just
have the words that they use are like fullness, like
if they're have this inserted and and it's while they're
having sex. There is a different type of stimulation orgasm
or vaginal orgasm that they get. That's interesting. I'm gonna
stay right over there though. That's fine, that's that is
(29:10):
absolutely fine. So can we talk? Can we talk about
your G spot? Gammy? What you want to talk about
my spot? What about it? Have you found it? You
know what she used? Okay, I just found her recently.
What's going on? What's her name? For women that don't know,
I think I always love to talk about that just
because a lot of people feel like, okay, a cltal orgasm, Yeah,
(29:31):
I know what that is. I have those all the time,
vaginal orgasms, Okay, but the G spot orgasm seems to
be pretty elusive for a lot of people. They either
feel like they don't have a G spot if they
never had the orgasm, or if they've had it, they've
had it once or twice, or and what usually happens
is they don't allow themselves to have it. So the
G spot, I'm the stand up just for a minute,
(29:53):
although I know, like this is a podcast and folks
can't always see. Okay, yes, and you'll tell people, so
if you're standing up in front of me if I
were to insert my fingers this way, right, it is
about two to three inches up here, right within the
vaginal wall, pelvis, all of that right, so about two
(30:15):
three and it's gonna feel kind of like a being
or pe a line of being. It's just yeah, it's
just a yeah kind of. So, with prolonged stimulation of
the G spot, you will have a different type of
orgasm than like your cltal orgasm or your vaginal orgasm.
And a lot of women will report swirting, which is
(30:37):
a gush of fluid when they have an orgasm. A
lot of times it's gonna feel like you're pe or
that you have to pee. So when you're in bed,
or when you're wherever you are with your partner and
they're stimulating you with your hands, or even if it's
with a toy and you start to have that feeling
of oh my gosh, I have to pee, I gotta
(30:59):
stop a lot of times it's not that you have
to pee, it's just that the G spot sits next
to the scheme's gland. So the G spot, with prolonged stimulation,
it becomes a lot more pronounced or more engorged with blood. Right,
So that makes it thicker. And when that happens is
that it starts to press up against the bladder, that engorgement,
(31:22):
that little lump that you're starting to feel it's gonna
press up against the bladder, and for some people that
causes what feels like contractions of the bladder or spasm
ng of those bladder muscles. And it's usually not that
you have to pee, but that sensation is what's making
you feel as though you do. And if you're one
(31:44):
of those lucky or blessed individuals who has experienced a
g spot orgasm, you know, if you're having that prolonged stimulation,
while it may seem like or feel like you're gonna pee,
that fluid is actual coming from the skins glan which
sits right next to urethra on either side, and that
(32:05):
is thought to be kind of a female prostate, and
it is an ejaculate. It is not urine, but it
is a hell of a good time and it's a
great orgasm. And I like to say that it's a
neat party trick for people that actually can do it.
But more often than not, if you're feeling like you
have to urinate or p um and you know that
(32:27):
your bladder is empty. Just ride that feeling on out
and you will probably have one of the best orgasms
of your life. And to ensure that you don't pe,
just pee before you start, P, before you start love making, P,
before you start your inter chorus, P, before you start like,
just pee first, and then you don't have to worry
about that. You'll already know in your mind, Okay, this
(32:47):
is not I don't have to pee because I just pee. Yeah, Well,
that that was very interesting when I found that spot.
I bet it was found that spot myself. When you
have those vibrators and I think you mentioned some of
(33:09):
these that kind of have a curb at the top
or the rabbit or hook or whatever, a lot of
times it's so that it gets to that G spot.
So sometimes when they have those tips on them that
look a little funny or they curb over, that's for
G spot pleasure. That's what those Okay, so I'm gonna
scare you again, Gammy, I'm so sorry. In advance. This
(33:30):
is another toy. It's by it's by the same company.
It's called enjoy in j O y Um, and it's
this what in the entirety are you supposed to do
with that a huge thing. It's not that big, it's
it is one, but the whole thing isn't going in there. Gammy,
(33:51):
my goodness. So here's the thing. This is called a
pure wand it looks like a great big smiley face.
That's the shape of it. Smile pay, but it really
doesn't smiles. And it hooks rightly as you right to
the g spot. The thing about the loop, so you
could use a water base or a silicone use loop
(34:12):
with something like this UM, but most of the toys
that you have UM on the market today are gonna
be some form of silicone and never want to use
This is super important. You never want to use a
silicone loop with a silicone TOYO. It sounds kind of
it sounds like you would want to do that, but
(34:33):
what happens with silicone loops is they start to break
down the integra the toy, so you end up getting
more bacteria and things like that in it, and then
the toy you end up having a throw the tory
way sooner than you would now that is that is
one thing too about the metal UM toys that you've
been showing. It does look like they're easier to clean
(34:54):
and make. It's got a whole lot of crevices. And yeah,
with any of those, make sure that there I was say,
medical grade silicone is what I look for, and it'll
say it on the package. Sometimes you do have to
spend a little bit more, but I think it's so
much better and those products are safer. You want to
um try and make sure that they don't have things
like parabins or thalids, which is a toxic gas kind
(35:17):
of chemical that they put to preserve toys and things.
You don't want those in those products because you're putting
those toxics then into your body. So get medical grade products.
So stainless steel is great, medical grade silicone glass is
really good. Now we gotta get these men involved. So
the next two that I'm gonna show you are for
(35:38):
men or or a couple of toys. I say a
couple of toys therefore men, but it really is going
to benefit you. So one of the things that guys
tend to be intimidated by, obviously are those big deal thos,
the big penises with the rabbit on the end and
the pearls that spin around and all that, because their
penises will never do at and so a lot of
(36:01):
times they feel like, well, if you're gonna if you're
doing that, like what can I do? That's a lot
of times why they don't like toys. So what we
want to do is kind of empower guys. They don't
have to be scared of it, and I think we
can include them in the process. So this is one
thing that I recommend to include them in the process.
Is a penis ring. This is what a different type
(36:23):
of penis ring. Again, this is a rechargeable toy medical
gray silicone. This expands so it goes over the penis
and at the base of the penis, so closest to
the body, right, And so what happens is as he
becomes erect, it causes the blood flow to stay at
the penis. So if I have a guy who has
(36:44):
problems with maintaining an erection, a penis ring is really
really good because it's gonna trap blood flow towards the
end of it. So when you're supposed to put that
on in the beginning before he gets it wrecked, yes, okay,
or at the beginning the process process. Right beginning of
the process is a little bit easier, but even after
(37:05):
he's erect, it's gonna stretch, So yeah, you can put
it on after he's erect, and then it traps blood flow. There.
The great thing about this one is that it vibrates,
so he then feels like he's got a penis as
a power tool. As he's penetrating you, you're feeling that
vibration too, so you're getting cleteral stimulation. See, Okay, because
(37:28):
I was one of those that I didn't know how
to use. Yeah, and I think a lot of people
wait until they're erect to put him on, which I
think is fine. Just put it on base of the penis,
turn it on. It vibrates. He feels amazing because he
feels like he's doing something he you've never done before.
It is pilotic. And then for you, he starts to
(37:49):
his penis does kind of vibrate a little bit. But
as he's as he's going in and out penetrating, you're
feeling that on your clitterance, which is so love it.
You will love you will love those people love it.
So definitely try it. Okay, I definitely try this. And
I have one yes, have to go shopping and the
next you got homework today, work now the next one
(38:13):
is another one that you're gonna be like, what in
the world is that? So this last one is one
that does confuse people when they see it, but they
get it. Have you seen something that looks like this?
I have and what I don't know that does? Okay,
I'm explaining this to you too. Do you have one
of these? No? I don't. You're gonna get one. So
this is a we vibe W E B I B E.
(38:36):
And they have a lot of different versions of this.
They're probably up to like five or six now. But
what this is is a couple's toy. You can use
this individually for you, or it can be for you
and him. I love it as a couple's toy. This
is a toy that I give to people when they
get married, like this is my wedding gift. This bottom
part is inserted in you. And this is a rechargeable
(38:58):
toy too. There's little bitty bitty hole. I don't even
think you can. You can barely see it as right here,
and it's waterproof. So let's say this is the vagina,
right it goes the bottom part goes in just like this, right, Okay,
So it's inside the vagina clatorus is here, so this
part is vibrating, so you're getting cliteral stimulation. Right, he
(39:22):
enters you here, so he's feeling the vibration on his
penis and and as he enters is pushing up against
your G spot, so you're getting c literal ANGI spot
simulation and his penis is getting stimulated. This has to
have this, you have to. This is great wow. And
(39:45):
it's medical gray silicone again, so this is something that's
super easy to clean. And you'll use a water based
lupercant with this. The cockering and the we vibe. I'm
definitely feeling the weed vibe alright. So onto debunking some
(40:07):
of these whole myths that are out here, because there
are plenty. So Number one, after menopause, women experience a
permanent decrease in libido true or false false false false.
Some people do experience increases or decreases. I think that
sexual desire, hands down is the number one thing that
(40:30):
brings people into my office when they have a low
sexual desire. But the truth is that of women at
some point in their life will have low sex desire
exactly almost all. And I actually think that the number
is higher. I think all of us will experience it
at some point. It ebbs and flows, It fluctuates depending
on where you are in the relationship, where you are
(40:53):
in life cycle, where you just are in life. So
exactly exactly, because I know, like in my fifties, I
really I was going through a lot of medical issues
at that time too, and so I had a huge
drop in my libido. But now, you know, now I'm
in my sixties, and it seems like my libido has
really come back full force. And I think a lot
(41:16):
of that has to do with my relationship as well,
probably doing your relationship with yourself, like yeah, and having
been through all of that. So I always tell my
friends who are struggling, like, keep hope alive, they don't
come back, don't worry. Yeah, you know, they always say,
you know, And I think it's important to remind and
I've been reminding myself of this all year. Is this
(41:38):
to shell pass. So even if it's a good time
that you're having in great sex, this too, sial pirls
might but if it's bad, this social pass. Right, Okay,
myth number two orgasms disappear after menopause. We ain't doing that.
We ain't living that life. That's what you can definitely
(42:03):
definitely attest to that that now. They may be a
little bit more challenging to get at times, and you
may find different types of orgasms as you age, just
like you you just found your juice spot on. But
there are people who have anal orgasms and find a
different type of orgasm. Yeah. So I think our orgasmic
(42:27):
capacity changes over time. Whereas you know, some women say,
you know a cltal orgasm, I always get it, and
then there becomes a time when like it's not as
easy to get, or a vaginal orgasm has been evasive
all these years, but finally you're able to have them.
So it's gonna fluctuate the type of orgasm you have.
Is things will work sometimes and not. That's why position
(42:50):
Different positions are great and toys are awesome. Okay, one
thing you do you just talked about is positioning. What
is the best way to try to introduce different positions?
There are you can get these on Amazon or sex
toy shops and even some just regular Barns and Noble
(43:11):
prestanding bookstores will have books of sex positions. And I
think those are great because a lot of times we
get stuck in our head about the positions that we've
always done or that our partner has always done, and
we can't really think outside of the box. Sometimes it
takes a visual of seeing a different position to say
(43:31):
I don't know, nobody can do that, or you know,
And so I think trying different positions is great, and
especially especially as we age, certain positions may cause pain.
So lying on your back might not be the thing
for you for a long period of time if you
have let's say, sciatic nerve problems or different types of issues,
(43:51):
or maybe leg pain will cause you not to be
able to do a certain position. So definitely, as we age,
we have to think about different positions. Another kind of
pseudo toy is a wedge. A lot of there are
a lot of Liberator makes one. I think Candy makes
one now one, and I you know, I actually just
(44:12):
saw that recently and I was like, wow, I think
I might want to try that. It's a good idea,
especially because it takes pressure off certain areas of the body.
It allows you to position yourself. So before buying it,
if you're trying to decide if this would be helpful
or not, use talking of pillows to see how it.
If you have kind of an adjustable mattress, use that
(44:33):
to your advantage as well, just to see if a
different positioning of your head or your kIPS or your
legs would help. But those position books really do help,
because I think sometimes we get kind of stuck in
our ways and don't think about things. But if you
take it, take positioning and use that as kind of
your sex toy, A lot of people find greater comforts also,
(44:54):
like straps and I know, swings and all those kinds
of stuff. Those aren't a necessarily the things that people
envision themselves having in their bedroom, but they certainly do help,
especially when we talk about like disability or not being
able to have like missionary style sex, or I need
to be sitting up because of how you know, my
back or my leg pain or whatever. You can still
(45:16):
have sex and have some ailments and things going on.
You just have to have the right supports in place
to be able to do it right. And what would
you say is the best way to introduce that kind
of discussion? Though I still find it just a tap
it awkward. So one thing one thing that I would
suggest is to have people listen to this podcast. Just say,
(45:40):
you know what, will you listen to this podcast with
me and then we can talk about it afterwards. What
did you learn? Let me tell you what I took away. Yeah,
so so that kind of thing. I think. Also one
thing that I do have people do, especially when they're
in my office, and granted they're in my office because
they have some sort of issue. I love a good
(46:03):
always sometimes the never lists for people. So always are
the things and couples will work on there is independently
and then's share it with people. But when it comes
to sex, like these are the things that I will
always do. I'm always down for oral sex. I'm always gonna,
you know, kiss the back of your neck like you
like it or whatever it is. Sometimes we can do
(46:24):
an't know, but just don't be expecting it every time,
because I got to get my mind around that there's
always there these always, sometimes and never things and then
get a person, get each of you in the in
a relationship to write your own lists and then swap
them out sharing with each other. That's one way. Oh
that's a good way. I like that I like And
then once we get that book of positions, right, I
(46:47):
would if it's a paper book, and I know we
don't necessarily want to destroy books, but one thing that
you could do is tear out each page, ball it
up or fold it up, put it in a big
basket or jar, and each night and then it's a surprise.
Oh that's cool. That's a great idea like that, Okay, cool,
(47:09):
This has been a blast. Thank you so much for
sharing your your expred avice. You guys can find all
of Dr Tiffany's information on our website, Dr Tiffany dot
com and we will definitely need to have a part
two so I can scare yes, because you've got homework girl,
and I need to know everything that had absolutely, thank
(47:29):
you so much. I appreciate you. Here are a few
takeaways from my conversation with Dr Tiffany. Number one, the
person with the problem is not always the one causing it.
M Number two, Aging is a process. We all will
go through it if we're blessed, so give yourself great.
Number three the always sometimes never list great idea to
(47:54):
start a conversation about trying new things. Number four, no
silicon own on silicone, got it? No silicone on silicone.
Remember that that's important. Number five, remember to p first
before sex. And on that note, I'm headed out to
get my weed by Thank you guys for listening, and
(48:14):
thank you again to my guest, Dr Tiffany Davis Henry.
If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate
and review the episode. Follow me on Instagram at Adrian
Banfield Nurris to share with me your thoughts on the episode.
I'm here, I'm talking, and I'm listening, and there's always
(48:34):
stay grateful. Positively GAM is produced by Westbrook Audio. Executive
producers Adrian Banfield Narris, Jada Pinkett Smith, Amanda Brown, and
Fallon jethro Co Executive producer sim Hoti, segment producer Ash Francis,
(48:58):
Associate producers Erica Ron and Kobe Hartberg, editor and mixer
Calvin Bailiff. Positively GAM is in partnership with Art nineteen
h
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