December 1, 2021 • 24 mins
Two wildly different marriages are explored: one open, one monogamous. For the first time, Gloria and Emilio share their epic love story while "Younger" star Nico Tortorella and their spouse Bethany Meyer reveal how they navigate their polyamorous marriage and break down their relationship from a modern, non-binary, sexually fluid point of view. It’s an unexpected look at what it means to be married today.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The vendos Me and Gloria Stefan. Here you are listening
to Red Table Talk via stefans Podcast, all your favorite
episodes from our Facebook watch show in audio. Once what
makes a marriage work? What is what's going on here?
He goed Tortorella and Bethany Myers give us the real
(00:21):
talk getting married. We actually thought it would be easier
dating other people. There's is a modern marriage every single person.
The chiefs could be a little Polly. I look at
my face. Ours is considered a classic. I was Laura's
friends boyfriend. Today the two come to a head at
the Red Table. Let's get into business. How often are
you having sex? Hello? Oh god, you guys, I'm getting
(00:46):
after this. Emilia and I have been together for forty
five years, and we'd have a very traditional relationship. We
know what makes our marriage work. But since we've been together,
the nature of marriage has changed. Traditional roles are a
thing of the past, and more and more young people
(01:07):
aren't getting married at all. Today. Marriage is a choice,
and every marriage has its own set of rules. People
always ask us, how do you guys stay together? How
do you get through the tough times? What are your secrets? Oh? Baby,
come on out. Where are you there? God for this?
Because I don't know if I am today is through
(01:27):
against the queen of the table. So you know how
much I love you. You know how much I admire you.
You are the ultimate love story. So having said that,
let's get onto business here. It is how often are
you having sex? You think? But as before, I knew
(01:54):
that you were the one that was gonna do that
because every time sex comes up, whether in front of
your brother, in front of you, it was like a la, la,
la la. You don't want to Your kid wants to
talk or think about their parents having sex. All right, well, baby,
you want sex. You don't plan sex. It hasn't been naturally,
has to be organic. I have sex Monday, Wednesday and Friday. No,
(02:14):
that doesn't work. I'm sure that the people out there
wonder how is really Gloria and Emilio in their personal life?
You know, all the young generations that they're asking themselves,
how do we do this? How do I accomplish a
long lasting love relationship? I'll tell you this. I didn't
think i'd get married, alright. I had to take care
(02:34):
of my dad. I had so many responsibilities as a kid.
I wanted to live. I wanted to study. I wanted
to travel. I had been accepted to the Sorbonne in France.
I wanted to study diplomacy and international law. Never in
my mind was oh, I want to get married. What
happened destiny? In nine I met Amilio, who was the
(02:56):
band leader of the Miami Latin Boys. After hearing me sing,
Emilio asked me to join the band as lead singer.
Mind you, nothing was going on with us, right, no flirtation.
You didn't feel your dad's a flirt with everybody. He's
a flirt with life. I found him attractive, but I
thought he was only four and a half years older
than me. But to me, he seemed like this man. Right.
(03:19):
We started dating on that faithful day, July fourth, nineteen
seventy six. He goes, let's go get some mayor. After
we had played. So we go upstairs and we are
seeing the fireworks going off all over the city, in
Miami Beach, in the city of Miami. Whatever moment, it
was a perfect moment. You know, today's my birthday. I
go is the fourth of July. I said, no, you
(03:44):
did not do not edit reality. He goes, don't you
give me a little kiss on the cheek. I go,
uh no, no, you know what, I'll get you a present.
He goes, come on, a little kiss on the cheek.
I go, all right. I went to kiss him on.
It wasn't like that because it was the one room
and make But then the fireworks went off inside too.
(04:05):
In the nineteen seventy seven, the band changed its name
to Miami Sound Machine. A year later we got married.
How do you separate your business life from your personal life.
He's your manager, you're the star. You know. Some day
I think people are confused about, you know, the be
married to your wife, being a manager, being a producer.
(04:28):
Worked together, it's really hard. It's not easy having to
successful career. We never talked about money. Your mom handed
the money. I don't care about money. It's true enough.
He hates numbers. Let me tell your money. It's a
big problem when it comes to relationship, which helps that
we got together before any of these craziness. But you know,
our relationship is totally different from anybody else. We were
(04:49):
some immigrant kids that wanted to do a new sound,
a new name Miami, and people was against the labels
and everything, and we played patios, we pay waitings with
our mithsions and everything. The key was the only time
that we was extremely happy because we were such a
rough life is one what we was performed in music
was a key thing for me and Gloria, and I
(05:10):
think we are very lucky that we share all these
tough times to enjoy the big moments. So there hasn't
been one time that you guys have felt disrespected by
the other. I mean, when you talk about respecting, it's
about you know, every marriage goes, you know, like a
roller goes ups and down. But I think the more
difficult time was your grandmother to me, missing my family.
That was without my mom, without Lily, my brother, everybody else.
(05:34):
Was important to have a family. And she was rough
with me, and she was concerned about being a musician.
She said, what we was doing drugs? How are you
going to make a living? I used to knock on
the door. She used to throw the door into my face.
That was a big deal to me. Which, by the way,
that was the first time we actually broke up. He
had given me this when that broke up, before we
got married. Did you know that, yeah, broke up? YEA.
(05:56):
Listen this on the world. No, we did not say.
You said okay, like I said. We dated for two
years and then he gives me this ring. I think
he thought that was automatically going to shift my mother
and that she was going to suddenly say, oh, he's
going to marry her. He means business. Oh no, it
was worse. It was worse, and she got even more
(06:18):
like this. So after a couple of months of this happening,
he said to me, I can't spend the rest of
my life with a person that seems to hate me.
And he had given me this beautiful ring. And I
opened the window of the car and I take off
the ring, and I go, I understand what you're telling me.
(06:42):
And I wish I could tell you that I could
control my mother, but I do understand. So I pretended
that I was going to throw it out the window.
But anyway, I told him, I don't want to mess
up the band thing, all right, because it's good for
me and it's good for you. So I am going
to try my best, my best to have this workout.
(07:02):
So I would go to rehearsal, I do the thing,
and get in my car and book it. We had
a gig that we were doing for like six weeks.
I would get there right before the gig. The second
I stepped off the stage, I would get in my
car and book it. I would not answer my phone
at home. I would not learn him to come anywhere
(07:24):
near me or respond. One of the guys in the
band invited me to a little pool party, and all
of a sudden, who walks into the yard of course,
and I'm going I look up and I'm going, what
the hell is he doing here? And he just comes
in like if nothing had happened, and he goes to me,
you want to go to a movie? That was his apology.
(07:46):
When you get to our age, you learn a lot
of things. When you have a difficult time, it's when
you have to be more focused. You have to be
definitely more positive. I'm tired because you can get out.
You're together in that's situation. And that's the one thing
that I'm telling you got a row in the same direction.
But I'm gonna tell your marriage people signing a paper,
that's nothing. It's about what you have to do every
single day to keep the marriage alive and to be innovated.
(08:14):
Second at a one secret to have a successful relationship
for you, you have to think about the other person
first week for you, that's okay. If you're both focusing
on the other, which is what I think a couple is,
then you're taking care of But now the new generation
(08:34):
is yolo. You only live once, so everybody thinking of
themselves instead of their partners or their friends or nothing
wrong with that, but then don't get married or don't
get into a right. He's never been selfish like that,
and we've never been like that. There's no egos involved,
and that's the problem because if you have this eague
(08:55):
that thinks, oh, my desires right now are going to
override my partner no matter how they're feeling, that's just
this competed with the show. Never she supports me and
I support How important do you guys think forgiveness is
to have a long lasting relationship. You can always forgive,
but there are certain things that you can't forget, and
(09:18):
if that thing really sticks in your crawl, you've got
to talk about it and you've got to let it go,
because the problem is if you forgive someone, then actually
forgive them. Don't be if forgive you, but the next
time we have an argument, oh I'm gonna dredge this
up again. It's not going to work. You have to
let it go. I think one of the two things
in relationship is to be generous. It's important. Even sometimes
(09:41):
you don't have money to buy something, Just do it.
They don't an anniversary, do a litter generously spirit. But
I'll tell you another thing that I think is a
big part of the success of our relationship. I've never
been born. He keeps surprising me. You think, oh, he's
gonna think this way, and all of a sudden what
comes out of his mouth is like, what what was that?
So he keeps life really interesting and I try to
(10:03):
do the same for him. But he's a funny dude.
Oh yeah, you know moment English arguing an emotional and
sexual thing, Spanish all the way. It's way more. You know. Hello,
(10:26):
we don't need an example. Have you taken naked pictures
of Gloria? No? No, not even a polaroid? No? Why not? Right,
here's the tip. People don't ever take a picture of
anything that you don't want someone to see at some
point somewhere, do you guys think that as a relationship
(10:47):
increases in time together, do you think that sex becomes
less important? Absolutely. With age, more things, different things become
important because I know that we've been very, very sexually
happy and we're very connected, and I think that's one
of the secrets of the marriage. And from the beginning
before we got married, we talked about a lot of things,
(11:08):
a lot of things like just things like the priorities,
the values that were on the same page, because you know,
we're very different. But I was Laura's friends of boyfriend.
He's amazing saying right, nothing else? Okay, but did you
ever wanted I have never wondered. I have never wondered.
What no, with the accident, How did you guys get
back into the group? Because that must have been you
(11:31):
weren't paralyzed. It was rough because I also felt guilty.
We were in prime age and we were always very,
very sexual and with each other. Leave again, okay, but
the bottom line, Mama, it was big. You know how
you asked how many times a week? For thirty some
years we had sex more than three times a week.
Once you have kids, everything are a little more complicated.
(11:54):
You know, you slipped it out and I say, there
was a lot of nights I was in your bed
with did that obviously affecting yourself. You went somewhere, Guys,
I'm going after this. They got to have a long relationship.
You have to be innovatable. The new things sound creatively,
you have to be creative. Okay, So how did that
change from honeymoon to now? Is it more? Really? Has
(12:16):
it been? I'm gonna tell you something that is not
a secret. I love more Gloria than when I got married. Absolutely? Okay.
Was the man designed to have sex with only one
person for the rest of their lives? I don't think
anybody is, Okay designed that way. They are animals in
nature that are truly monogymous. They made for life. Humans
(12:37):
are not naturally meant to be monogymous. You know, it's
not normal. I don't disagree with you human to be monogamous.
So I think that there are a bunch of different
ways to have a relationship. Well, more and more couples
today are breaking tradition and redefining modern love, and perhaps
no couple exemplifies that more than Nico Tortorella and Bethany Myers,
(12:59):
Nico and actor and author whose book explores their sexual evolution,
and Bethany of fitness and lifestyle entrepreneur are married, but
nothing about the relationship is conventional. They're both gender fluid,
identifying as them or they, and they are polyamorous. Each
is free to have sex outside their marriage as long
as they're honest about it. Welcome by God, bethany board.
(13:22):
When we have questions for you, we've got answers, We've
got anserme. We're so happy you're here. My curiosity first
is what was the reason that you were so forthcoming
with your relationship? Similarly to YouTube, we met when we
were kids as well. I mean, we've grown up together
over the last fifteen years, and we didn't decide from
(13:43):
the get this is who we are. It's been a
labor of love to really get to this point. I mean,
I was raised super religious. I was raised literally knocking
on people's doors asking if they knew if they were
going to have in our health. And so part of
what I think is a foundation of nigo nice relationship
is to look at beliefs and things and to reevaluate
(14:05):
them and to think about them in a different light.
And it was really when we first started dating that
all of a sudden, you know, I first realized I
had feelings for a woman I first started to read
other books. Your mind was blown. Well, yeah, I think
that we dated in so many different formats over the
course of knowing each other. You had a serious relationship,
(14:27):
I had a serious girlfriend, and we kind of thought,
you know, maybe this is it. But there's like a
deeper connection that I think existed that our partners that
we were with could see. They're like, what is that
between you and Nico? It's hard to keep one partner
in a relationship. So I listened to you guys, and
I try to be your shoes, and it's never been difficult.
(14:50):
It's never been difficult for you, guys. Is organic? A
lot of people think about it from a monogamous life, right,
So they're in a monogous relationship. They look at what
their relationships like, and so the idea from a monogamous
lens of your partner going and sleeping with someone else
is like heart stabbing, right. But I think our relationship
is maybe set up a little bit different. Yeah, for sure,
(15:12):
every relationship that we had been in the past. While
we were trying to figure out exactly what the dynamic was,
our partners were very confused by fis right, and like
we were too. We knew what it meant on a
spiritual level, right, but getting married, we actually thought it
would be easier dating other people and bringing other people
into our lives because you know, this is number one,
(15:33):
this is my spouse. But I have physical space, I
have emotional space for more. When you have a space
a moment in your life, you want to share with
the person you love. Yeah, who do you call? The
first call is always going to be Bethany, Yeah, and
then my mom. When we decided to get married, part
of that was having the legal bond being family, knowing
(15:54):
that we're going to be family with one another. And
you know, we were talking about before we came on this,
what did you say, Maybe we're like Being Polly isn't
a state of being, it's a state of mind. In
the long run, you only live once, and you have
to be honest with each other. That's what it comes
down to. If you can't communicate your desires with your partner,
you're probably not in the right relationship. I think more
(16:16):
people would be Polly if they had on his conversation,
I don't, I really do. Every single person that cheats
could be a little Polly. Let's be honest. The other
person just doesn't know about it. They just don't have
the language for it. But you need a line. Every
relationship means a lot, and like it's important if one
of the two is thinking about crossing that line ever,
(16:38):
have that conversation first and like air it out, you know.
During the times and when we were like, okay, we're together,
we're living together, x Y and CFE, we had a
lot of moments of cheating on the other person, to
be completely honest, but then at the end of the
day when we decided to get married, it was like,
all right, well, what if we just set up what
are the things that work for the other person and
(16:58):
make us feel comfortable parameters you have. I want to
know about it before it happens. I don't want to
know about it after the fact, because that gives me
that back stepped feeling, right, that feeling that's like you've
been left in the dark. So you felt bad? Okay,
that makes me feel good. Okay, what's going through? Yeah,
so I'm getting Okay, do you exclusively date women and
(17:22):
you expecively date men outside of your relationship? I only
have interested in dating women right now. Well, just our
sexualities are different. Too, Like, I'm way more panned than
you are. I'm attracted to all people. It doesn't really matter. Yes,
but in terms of the guidelines for a relationship, I
really can't date anyone that could potentially get pregnant. That's
(17:43):
been interesting the rule, right, so anyone outside of that is.
But for women, well, if you don't date someone that
can be that doesn't have the parts biologically, biologically, very
good question, and I'm gonna talk at that and conversation later.
(18:05):
I look at my face. I'm so you have different
rules for each other, and and they change, and then
if a rule comes on the table, that's like an
absolute no. No. Has that ever happened? No? Yeah, I
mean like me dating sis women is has been an
opposite trans women. Yeah, okay, because I was thinking, how
about if you come home with some one and he
(18:26):
doesn't like that person? More so my partners than your partners.
But yeah, I mean it definitely does happen. Or maybe
I'm just more protective. I'm not a jealous person. It's
definitely not a jealous person. Do you jealous? Yeah, I
can be jealous. I think the jealousy is a really
common emotion and not necessarily something that we have to
shy away from. What helps me is like what am
(18:48):
I actually afraid of? And usually when I think about
what I'm actually afraid of, there's not really like am
I afraid Niko is gonna leave me? No? I know
You're not find anybody better than me. I mean, I'm
just I do think it's important to say that one
of the largest misconceptions about open relationships and polymory in
general is that, like, we're out here having sex with
(19:10):
whoever you want all the time, A hundred times. There's
not a single person that Bethany or I want to
have sex within the room you like. It just is
we're not in the wrong room. No, But our openness
and our polyamory is really about emotional space and intimacy.
I have a lot of best friends who I have
(19:32):
intimate relationships with, and like that line is blurred, but
like I'm way more interested in having that emotional relationship
with someone than I am like just getting my rocks off.
Intimacy is very sexy number one, and not that easily found.
Conversation can be more intimate and sex, Yeah, but is
(19:53):
that cheating? Well, That's why I'm saying, like flirtation. For
a fact, in monogamous couples, it's looked at like, why
are you flirting with someone else? You can flirt and
enjoy sexual energy with somebody else and then turn around
and go home for a long time. Dating other people
was a very big part of our relationship, and so
I think that was actually the scarier thing about marriage
(20:14):
is like, Okay, we want to put it on paper.
We want to start a family. We want to have kids,
like we want to do these things. I want to
have kids on it. We're working on it right now. Honestly,
for me, kids is the only thing that makes me
feel like would that affect the child? Have you thought
about Yeah, of course we've thought about it. And there
(20:34):
are plenty of Polly couples that have kids and understand
that dynamic. We don't have kids yet, so we don't
really know what it's going to look like. One. I
think it's tough because there aren't a lot of examples,
public examples of relationships and different structures that can work. Too.
I think that the idea of communally raising a family, though,
(20:55):
has been around forever forever, so I don't think particularly
there could be some damaging we have talked about as
we've been trying to get pregnant, the fact that, you know,
actively being able to be polyamorous in our lives maybe
on pause for a while. You're gonna be tired. Dating
is hard in general. It takes up a lot of times.
(21:16):
I'm not sure about all the things that happened here
after you have a kid, but I'm pretty sure that
there's probably going to be some time that you're going
to want to be alone. Do you feel that you
are going to be the one sacrificing yourself for something
that it's going to keep you away from what he's
going to keep on the well, and you both are
(21:36):
non binary, so maybe you don't want to assume the
role of a mother per se. You know, we definitely
have been forced to look at our biological sexes in
like a very real way while trying to get pregnant,
which has been interesting. You are the perfect people to
figure it out and write a book about it so
that other people who are following in your footsteps, which
are loads, will have some more information. I love this
(21:58):
because people think that you're perfect. Nobody's perfect. People make mistake.
You learned my mistake. I think you guys talking, what
you guys are doing, what we went through, that happened
with you coming out, you with your divorce. People need
to talk about it because people will learn by seeing
all these choices that you do in life, they won't
feel so alone in the long run. What it's important
is to be honest to yourself and to be happy. Right.
(22:22):
I think the most important thing in our relationship, and
what's like really just kept us going every single day
is we make each other laugh. Litto on that because hello,
he makes me laught every day, whether he's aware of
it or not. I thought, because I was sexy but
not sexy, you are blessed to have each other. That's
(22:45):
the only thing that I can say and feel the
same way that people learn from this relationship that at
the beginning I read and I'm like, how does that work?
How did taste work? We're complicated on paper, make a
lot more sense in person. Everyone makes more sense in person.
I think it's take away, and we are making change
right now, right, And that is why we have these
conversations and exactly to be less judgmental of each other,
(23:08):
because the thing is, people love to judge from the
position of like, oh, well, this is what I've been
taught in. This is a correct way marriage has changed
throughout eons. You know. The way I look at it
is I think we're spirits inhabiting a specific body at
this moment, which may be male female, but there's no
sex to a spirit. We have an infinite ability to love.
(23:31):
Some people will never think what you guys do right,
But I think two times you're going to see a
lot of changes. People will be more honest. Thank you
very much, Well, thank you all. This is the wonderful
go back with the baby with sounds good. I love
the blue Yeah, this is the blue table. It always
(23:53):
happens accidentally too, although I secretly think that he sees
my clothes hanging that I picked and then he goes,
that's a good ideas. You guys are gonna have beautiful baby.
Thanks for listening. To join the Red Table Talk family
and become a part of the conversation, follow us at
(24:15):
Facebook dot com, forward slash, red Table Talk, Stefans Red
Table Talk THEA Stefans is a production of Westbrook Studios
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For more podcasts from My Heart, visit the I heart
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favorite shows.
The vendos Me and Gloria Stefan. Here you are listening
to Red Table Talk via stefans Podcast, all your favorite
episodes from our Facebook watch show in audio. Once what
makes a marriage work? What is what's going on here?
He goed Tortorella and Bethany Myers give us the real
(00:21):
talk getting married. We actually thought it would be easier
dating other people. There's is a modern marriage every single person.
The chiefs could be a little Polly. I look at
my face. Ours is considered a classic. I was Laura's
friends boyfriend. Today the two come to a head at
the Red Table. Let's get into business. How often are
you having sex? Hello? Oh god, you guys, I'm getting
(00:46):
after this. Emilia and I have been together for forty
five years, and we'd have a very traditional relationship. We
know what makes our marriage work. But since we've been together,
the nature of marriage has changed. Traditional roles are a
thing of the past, and more and more young people
(01:07):
aren't getting married at all. Today. Marriage is a choice,
and every marriage has its own set of rules. People
always ask us, how do you guys stay together? How
do you get through the tough times? What are your secrets? Oh? Baby,
come on out. Where are you there? God for this?
Because I don't know if I am today is through
(01:27):
against the queen of the table. So you know how
much I love you. You know how much I admire you.
You are the ultimate love story. So having said that,
let's get onto business here. It is how often are
you having sex? You think? But as before, I knew
(01:54):
that you were the one that was gonna do that
because every time sex comes up, whether in front of
your brother, in front of you, it was like a la, la,
la la. You don't want to Your kid wants to
talk or think about their parents having sex. All right, well, baby,
you want sex. You don't plan sex. It hasn't been naturally,
has to be organic. I have sex Monday, Wednesday and Friday. No,
(02:14):
that doesn't work. I'm sure that the people out there
wonder how is really Gloria and Emilio in their personal life?
You know, all the young generations that they're asking themselves,
how do we do this? How do I accomplish a
long lasting love relationship? I'll tell you this. I didn't
think i'd get married, alright. I had to take care
(02:34):
of my dad. I had so many responsibilities as a kid.
I wanted to live. I wanted to study. I wanted
to travel. I had been accepted to the Sorbonne in France.
I wanted to study diplomacy and international law. Never in
my mind was oh, I want to get married. What
happened destiny? In nine I met Amilio, who was the
(02:56):
band leader of the Miami Latin Boys. After hearing me sing,
Emilio asked me to join the band as lead singer.
Mind you, nothing was going on with us, right, no flirtation.
You didn't feel your dad's a flirt with everybody. He's
a flirt with life. I found him attractive, but I
thought he was only four and a half years older
than me. But to me, he seemed like this man. Right.
(03:19):
We started dating on that faithful day, July fourth, nineteen
seventy six. He goes, let's go get some mayor. After
we had played. So we go upstairs and we are
seeing the fireworks going off all over the city, in
Miami Beach, in the city of Miami. Whatever moment, it
was a perfect moment. You know, today's my birthday. I
go is the fourth of July. I said, no, you
(03:44):
did not do not edit reality. He goes, don't you
give me a little kiss on the cheek. I go,
uh no, no, you know what, I'll get you a present.
He goes, come on, a little kiss on the cheek.
I go, all right. I went to kiss him on.
It wasn't like that because it was the one room
and make But then the fireworks went off inside too.
(04:05):
In the nineteen seventy seven, the band changed its name
to Miami Sound Machine. A year later we got married.
How do you separate your business life from your personal life.
He's your manager, you're the star. You know. Some day
I think people are confused about, you know, the be
married to your wife, being a manager, being a producer.
(04:28):
Worked together, it's really hard. It's not easy having to
successful career. We never talked about money. Your mom handed
the money. I don't care about money. It's true enough.
He hates numbers. Let me tell your money. It's a
big problem when it comes to relationship, which helps that
we got together before any of these craziness. But you know,
our relationship is totally different from anybody else. We were
(04:49):
some immigrant kids that wanted to do a new sound,
a new name Miami, and people was against the labels
and everything, and we played patios, we pay waitings with
our mithsions and everything. The key was the only time
that we was extremely happy because we were such a
rough life is one what we was performed in music
was a key thing for me and Gloria, and I
(05:10):
think we are very lucky that we share all these
tough times to enjoy the big moments. So there hasn't
been one time that you guys have felt disrespected by
the other. I mean, when you talk about respecting, it's
about you know, every marriage goes, you know, like a
roller goes ups and down. But I think the more
difficult time was your grandmother to me, missing my family.
That was without my mom, without Lily, my brother, everybody else.
(05:34):
Was important to have a family. And she was rough
with me, and she was concerned about being a musician.
She said, what we was doing drugs? How are you
going to make a living? I used to knock on
the door. She used to throw the door into my face.
That was a big deal to me. Which, by the way,
that was the first time we actually broke up. He
had given me this when that broke up, before we
got married. Did you know that, yeah, broke up? YEA.
(05:56):
Listen this on the world. No, we did not say.
You said okay, like I said. We dated for two
years and then he gives me this ring. I think
he thought that was automatically going to shift my mother
and that she was going to suddenly say, oh, he's
going to marry her. He means business. Oh no, it
was worse. It was worse, and she got even more
(06:18):
like this. So after a couple of months of this happening,
he said to me, I can't spend the rest of
my life with a person that seems to hate me.
And he had given me this beautiful ring. And I
opened the window of the car and I take off
the ring, and I go, I understand what you're telling me.
(06:42):
And I wish I could tell you that I could
control my mother, but I do understand. So I pretended
that I was going to throw it out the window.
But anyway, I told him, I don't want to mess
up the band thing, all right, because it's good for
me and it's good for you. So I am going
to try my best, my best to have this workout.
(07:02):
So I would go to rehearsal, I do the thing,
and get in my car and book it. We had
a gig that we were doing for like six weeks.
I would get there right before the gig. The second
I stepped off the stage, I would get in my
car and book it. I would not answer my phone
at home. I would not learn him to come anywhere
(07:24):
near me or respond. One of the guys in the
band invited me to a little pool party, and all
of a sudden, who walks into the yard of course,
and I'm going I look up and I'm going, what
the hell is he doing here? And he just comes
in like if nothing had happened, and he goes to me,
you want to go to a movie? That was his apology.
(07:46):
When you get to our age, you learn a lot
of things. When you have a difficult time, it's when
you have to be more focused. You have to be
definitely more positive. I'm tired because you can get out.
You're together in that's situation. And that's the one thing
that I'm telling you got a row in the same direction.
But I'm gonna tell your marriage people signing a paper,
that's nothing. It's about what you have to do every
single day to keep the marriage alive and to be innovated.
(08:14):
Second at a one secret to have a successful relationship
for you, you have to think about the other person
first week for you, that's okay. If you're both focusing
on the other, which is what I think a couple is,
then you're taking care of But now the new generation
(08:34):
is yolo. You only live once, so everybody thinking of
themselves instead of their partners or their friends or nothing
wrong with that, but then don't get married or don't
get into a right. He's never been selfish like that,
and we've never been like that. There's no egos involved,
and that's the problem because if you have this eague
(08:55):
that thinks, oh, my desires right now are going to
override my partner no matter how they're feeling, that's just
this competed with the show. Never she supports me and
I support How important do you guys think forgiveness is
to have a long lasting relationship. You can always forgive,
but there are certain things that you can't forget, and
(09:18):
if that thing really sticks in your crawl, you've got
to talk about it and you've got to let it go,
because the problem is if you forgive someone, then actually
forgive them. Don't be if forgive you, but the next
time we have an argument, oh I'm gonna dredge this
up again. It's not going to work. You have to
let it go. I think one of the two things
in relationship is to be generous. It's important. Even sometimes
(09:41):
you don't have money to buy something, Just do it.
They don't an anniversary, do a litter generously spirit. But
I'll tell you another thing that I think is a
big part of the success of our relationship. I've never
been born. He keeps surprising me. You think, oh, he's
gonna think this way, and all of a sudden what
comes out of his mouth is like, what what was that?
So he keeps life really interesting and I try to
(10:03):
do the same for him. But he's a funny dude.
Oh yeah, you know moment English arguing an emotional and
sexual thing, Spanish all the way. It's way more. You know. Hello,
(10:26):
we don't need an example. Have you taken naked pictures
of Gloria? No? No, not even a polaroid? No? Why not? Right,
here's the tip. People don't ever take a picture of
anything that you don't want someone to see at some
point somewhere, do you guys think that as a relationship
(10:47):
increases in time together, do you think that sex becomes
less important? Absolutely. With age, more things, different things become
important because I know that we've been very, very sexually
happy and we're very connected, and I think that's one
of the secrets of the marriage. And from the beginning
before we got married, we talked about a lot of things,
(11:08):
a lot of things like just things like the priorities,
the values that were on the same page, because you know,
we're very different. But I was Laura's friends of boyfriend.
He's amazing saying right, nothing else? Okay, but did you
ever wanted I have never wondered. I have never wondered.
What no, with the accident, How did you guys get
back into the group? Because that must have been you
(11:31):
weren't paralyzed. It was rough because I also felt guilty.
We were in prime age and we were always very,
very sexual and with each other. Leave again, okay, but
the bottom line, Mama, it was big. You know how
you asked how many times a week? For thirty some
years we had sex more than three times a week.
Once you have kids, everything are a little more complicated.
(11:54):
You know, you slipped it out and I say, there
was a lot of nights I was in your bed
with did that obviously affecting yourself. You went somewhere, Guys,
I'm going after this. They got to have a long relationship.
You have to be innovatable. The new things sound creatively,
you have to be creative. Okay, So how did that
change from honeymoon to now? Is it more? Really? Has
(12:16):
it been? I'm gonna tell you something that is not
a secret. I love more Gloria than when I got married. Absolutely? Okay.
Was the man designed to have sex with only one
person for the rest of their lives? I don't think
anybody is, Okay designed that way. They are animals in
nature that are truly monogymous. They made for life. Humans
(12:37):
are not naturally meant to be monogymous. You know, it's
not normal. I don't disagree with you human to be monogamous.
So I think that there are a bunch of different
ways to have a relationship. Well, more and more couples
today are breaking tradition and redefining modern love, and perhaps
no couple exemplifies that more than Nico Tortorella and Bethany Myers,
(12:59):
Nico and actor and author whose book explores their sexual evolution,
and Bethany of fitness and lifestyle entrepreneur are married, but
nothing about the relationship is conventional. They're both gender fluid,
identifying as them or they, and they are polyamorous. Each
is free to have sex outside their marriage as long
as they're honest about it. Welcome by God, bethany board.
(13:22):
When we have questions for you, we've got answers, We've
got anserme. We're so happy you're here. My curiosity first
is what was the reason that you were so forthcoming
with your relationship? Similarly to YouTube, we met when we
were kids as well. I mean, we've grown up together
over the last fifteen years, and we didn't decide from
(13:43):
the get this is who we are. It's been a
labor of love to really get to this point. I mean,
I was raised super religious. I was raised literally knocking
on people's doors asking if they knew if they were
going to have in our health. And so part of
what I think is a foundation of nigo nice relationship
is to look at beliefs and things and to reevaluate
(14:05):
them and to think about them in a different light.
And it was really when we first started dating that
all of a sudden, you know, I first realized I
had feelings for a woman I first started to read
other books. Your mind was blown. Well, yeah, I think
that we dated in so many different formats over the
course of knowing each other. You had a serious relationship,
(14:27):
I had a serious girlfriend, and we kind of thought,
you know, maybe this is it. But there's like a
deeper connection that I think existed that our partners that
we were with could see. They're like, what is that
between you and Nico? It's hard to keep one partner
in a relationship. So I listened to you guys, and
I try to be your shoes, and it's never been difficult.
(14:50):
It's never been difficult for you, guys. Is organic? A
lot of people think about it from a monogamous life, right,
So they're in a monogous relationship. They look at what
their relationships like, and so the idea from a monogamous
lens of your partner going and sleeping with someone else
is like heart stabbing, right. But I think our relationship
is maybe set up a little bit different. Yeah, for sure,
(15:12):
every relationship that we had been in the past. While
we were trying to figure out exactly what the dynamic was,
our partners were very confused by fis right, and like
we were too. We knew what it meant on a
spiritual level, right, but getting married, we actually thought it
would be easier dating other people and bringing other people
into our lives because you know, this is number one,
(15:33):
this is my spouse. But I have physical space, I
have emotional space for more. When you have a space
a moment in your life, you want to share with
the person you love. Yeah, who do you call? The
first call is always going to be Bethany, Yeah, and
then my mom. When we decided to get married, part
of that was having the legal bond being family, knowing
(15:54):
that we're going to be family with one another. And
you know, we were talking about before we came on this,
what did you say, Maybe we're like Being Polly isn't
a state of being, it's a state of mind. In
the long run, you only live once, and you have
to be honest with each other. That's what it comes
down to. If you can't communicate your desires with your partner,
you're probably not in the right relationship. I think more
(16:16):
people would be Polly if they had on his conversation,
I don't, I really do. Every single person that cheats
could be a little Polly. Let's be honest. The other
person just doesn't know about it. They just don't have
the language for it. But you need a line. Every
relationship means a lot, and like it's important if one
of the two is thinking about crossing that line ever,
(16:38):
have that conversation first and like air it out, you know.
During the times and when we were like, okay, we're together,
we're living together, x Y and CFE, we had a
lot of moments of cheating on the other person, to
be completely honest, but then at the end of the
day when we decided to get married, it was like,
all right, well, what if we just set up what
are the things that work for the other person and
(16:58):
make us feel comfortable parameters you have. I want to
know about it before it happens. I don't want to
know about it after the fact, because that gives me
that back stepped feeling, right, that feeling that's like you've
been left in the dark. So you felt bad? Okay,
that makes me feel good. Okay, what's going through? Yeah,
so I'm getting Okay, do you exclusively date women and
(17:22):
you expecively date men outside of your relationship? I only
have interested in dating women right now. Well, just our
sexualities are different. Too, Like, I'm way more panned than
you are. I'm attracted to all people. It doesn't really matter. Yes,
but in terms of the guidelines for a relationship, I
really can't date anyone that could potentially get pregnant. That's
(17:43):
been interesting the rule, right, so anyone outside of that is.
But for women, well, if you don't date someone that
can be that doesn't have the parts biologically, biologically, very
good question, and I'm gonna talk at that and conversation later.
(18:05):
I look at my face. I'm so you have different
rules for each other, and and they change, and then
if a rule comes on the table, that's like an
absolute no. No. Has that ever happened? No? Yeah, I
mean like me dating sis women is has been an
opposite trans women. Yeah, okay, because I was thinking, how
about if you come home with some one and he
(18:26):
doesn't like that person? More so my partners than your partners.
But yeah, I mean it definitely does happen. Or maybe
I'm just more protective. I'm not a jealous person. It's
definitely not a jealous person. Do you jealous? Yeah, I
can be jealous. I think the jealousy is a really
common emotion and not necessarily something that we have to
shy away from. What helps me is like what am
(18:48):
I actually afraid of? And usually when I think about
what I'm actually afraid of, there's not really like am
I afraid Niko is gonna leave me? No? I know
You're not find anybody better than me. I mean, I'm
just I do think it's important to say that one
of the largest misconceptions about open relationships and polymory in
general is that, like, we're out here having sex with
(19:10):
whoever you want all the time, A hundred times. There's
not a single person that Bethany or I want to
have sex within the room you like. It just is
we're not in the wrong room. No, But our openness
and our polyamory is really about emotional space and intimacy.
I have a lot of best friends who I have
(19:32):
intimate relationships with, and like that line is blurred, but
like I'm way more interested in having that emotional relationship
with someone than I am like just getting my rocks off.
Intimacy is very sexy number one, and not that easily found.
Conversation can be more intimate and sex, Yeah, but is
(19:53):
that cheating? Well, That's why I'm saying, like flirtation. For
a fact, in monogamous couples, it's looked at like, why
are you flirting with someone else? You can flirt and
enjoy sexual energy with somebody else and then turn around
and go home for a long time. Dating other people
was a very big part of our relationship, and so
I think that was actually the scarier thing about marriage
(20:14):
is like, Okay, we want to put it on paper.
We want to start a family. We want to have kids,
like we want to do these things. I want to
have kids on it. We're working on it right now. Honestly,
for me, kids is the only thing that makes me
feel like would that affect the child? Have you thought
about Yeah, of course we've thought about it. And there
(20:34):
are plenty of Polly couples that have kids and understand
that dynamic. We don't have kids yet, so we don't
really know what it's going to look like. One. I
think it's tough because there aren't a lot of examples,
public examples of relationships and different structures that can work. Too.
I think that the idea of communally raising a family, though,
(20:55):
has been around forever forever, so I don't think particularly
there could be some damaging we have talked about as
we've been trying to get pregnant, the fact that, you know,
actively being able to be polyamorous in our lives maybe
on pause for a while. You're gonna be tired. Dating
is hard in general. It takes up a lot of times.
(21:16):
I'm not sure about all the things that happened here
after you have a kid, but I'm pretty sure that
there's probably going to be some time that you're going
to want to be alone. Do you feel that you
are going to be the one sacrificing yourself for something
that it's going to keep you away from what he's
going to keep on the well, and you both are
(21:36):
non binary, so maybe you don't want to assume the
role of a mother per se. You know, we definitely
have been forced to look at our biological sexes in
like a very real way while trying to get pregnant,
which has been interesting. You are the perfect people to
figure it out and write a book about it so
that other people who are following in your footsteps, which
are loads, will have some more information. I love this
(21:58):
because people think that you're perfect. Nobody's perfect. People make mistake.
You learned my mistake. I think you guys talking, what
you guys are doing, what we went through, that happened
with you coming out, you with your divorce. People need
to talk about it because people will learn by seeing
all these choices that you do in life, they won't
feel so alone in the long run. What it's important
is to be honest to yourself and to be happy. Right.
(22:22):
I think the most important thing in our relationship, and
what's like really just kept us going every single day
is we make each other laugh. Litto on that because hello,
he makes me laught every day, whether he's aware of
it or not. I thought, because I was sexy but
not sexy, you are blessed to have each other. That's
(22:45):
the only thing that I can say and feel the
same way that people learn from this relationship that at
the beginning I read and I'm like, how does that work?
How did taste work? We're complicated on paper, make a
lot more sense in person. Everyone makes more sense in person.
I think it's take away, and we are making change
right now, right, And that is why we have these
conversations and exactly to be less judgmental of each other,
(23:08):
because the thing is, people love to judge from the
position of like, oh, well, this is what I've been
taught in. This is a correct way marriage has changed
throughout eons. You know. The way I look at it
is I think we're spirits inhabiting a specific body at
this moment, which may be male female, but there's no
sex to a spirit. We have an infinite ability to love.
(23:31):
Some people will never think what you guys do right,
But I think two times you're going to see a
lot of changes. People will be more honest. Thank you
very much, Well, thank you all. This is the wonderful
go back with the baby with sounds good. I love
the blue Yeah, this is the blue table. It always
(23:53):
happens accidentally too, although I secretly think that he sees
my clothes hanging that I picked and then he goes,
that's a good ideas. You guys are gonna have beautiful baby.
Thanks for listening. To join the Red Table Talk family
and become a part of the conversation, follow us at
(24:15):
Facebook dot com, forward slash, red Table Talk, Stefans Red
Table Talk THEA Stefans is a production of Westbrook Studios
in partnership with I Heart Radio's Michael Dura podcast Network.
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