Classic RC: Let's Take to the Sea!

Sometimes you just need to get away. For a Chinese dissident that meant making a daring escape on a jet ski. For a former cyclist turned "ocean jogger," it meant building himself a human-powered hamster wheel so he could run across the sea. In both cases, these men's choices were crimes, but their methods were... ridiculous!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ridiculous Crime is a production of iHeartRadio.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hi producer Dave, then the interns. Can someone pick up
the phone?

Speaker 3 (00:10):
Listen?

Speaker 2 (00:11):
Zaren and I were on the podcast or commuter bus
this morning and the driver kind of flipped out and
took us all to the beach instead of dropping us
off at headquarters, and then she ran away with the
keys to the bus. So Zaren standing in line for
an ice cream cone with Katie Kuric right now, and
all the podcasters are trying to record episodes on travel
mics and they're all talking at once and it is

(00:31):
driving me nuts. So I'm hiding under a park bench,
just trying not to get a sunburn.

Speaker 3 (00:37):
Listen.

Speaker 4 (00:38):
I hope that someone there is checking.

Speaker 2 (00:40):
These voicemails and it's not the person who checks the emails.
Can you run a classic episode for us, maybe something.

Speaker 3 (00:46):
About escaping in the ocean.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
Thanks, guys, I owe you one.

Speaker 1 (00:55):
Elizabeth Dunton, Zaren Burnett, I'm so glad to see you.

Speaker 3 (00:58):
I am glad to see me.

Speaker 1 (00:59):
Hi, Ben, I've been good. Good nice pants, thank you much.

Speaker 3 (01:02):
These are my crazy pants.

Speaker 1 (01:03):
Yeah, it's all crazy, you know, it's ridiculous.

Speaker 3 (01:06):
I do what is it? Listen? Listen to this uh
game freak.

Speaker 5 (01:12):
That game freak is the creator of pokemonka, which I
always like to call Pokemon, Pokemon, Pokemon, mister Pokemon. Nothing
irritates little kids more than when you refer to it
as Pokemon. You guys got them Pokemon cards.

Speaker 1 (01:26):
Yeah, you do it like real quick, like it's a
name like Pokemon, mister Pokemon.

Speaker 5 (01:29):
I think the whole things are. There's like the Pokemon
Go where you just go, you play.

Speaker 1 (01:35):
It outside, you walk around.

Speaker 3 (01:37):
Sure, you just go. But you know, I love a
good collaboration. So take a guess.

Speaker 5 (01:45):
What do you think you could mash up with Pokemon
crab traps?

Speaker 3 (01:50):
Yes, totally ll bean Pokemon Pokemon. No, let me tell
you something.

Speaker 1 (02:00):
Glass hammers.

Speaker 5 (02:01):
If these are designed with a crystallized quality, close crystal,
they're iconic and are iconic. They're exclusive styles in eighteen
carrot yellow gold with diamonds or with oxidized sterling silver.

Speaker 1 (02:15):
Yeah, you're moving away from my answer.

Speaker 5 (02:17):
It's Tiffany and Company what you can get, and it's
based on them. This man, Daniel Rsham, he does Pokemon sculptures,
Pokemon sculptures, the Pokemon Yeah, he had a whole art
exhibit called a ripple and tyme, I didn't even bother
to look it up because quite frankly, I.

Speaker 3 (02:36):
Didn't need that in my life. Better as a book, right,
and so that is a good book. AnyWho.

Speaker 5 (02:43):
So yeah, so he does these Pokemon sculptures, the Pokemon's
and he's made them into Tiffany necklaces.

Speaker 1 (02:50):
Does Tiffany know this?

Speaker 3 (02:53):
Tiffany, has anyone told you about this?

Speaker 5 (02:54):
So if you want an eighteen cater you will just
blink avec Damon's. I'm trying to open it up and
it won't let me. I don't know how much these things.
I don't think that they're If you want to get one,
you have to sign up for SMS updates. No spoiler alert,
I signed you what those are?

Speaker 3 (03:12):
Did you get one?

Speaker 1 (03:14):
You're supposed to say where my phone is?

Speaker 5 (03:16):
Well, when you find it, you'll get a text from
Tiffany and Pokemon and they're going to say do you
want some?

Speaker 3 (03:21):
And you have to hit why or yes, You're such
a good friend. I am such a good Thank you
so much.

Speaker 1 (03:31):
You know it's also ridiculous. Tell me, okay, well, this
is just a truth, a truism. Whatever you want to
call it a fool on a mission. Right, they will
likely go far further than anyone would have predicted a.

Speaker 3 (03:43):
Fool on a mission. A stolen commis right?

Speaker 1 (03:45):
You you know the fools? They are my people. Yes, yes,
So that's why I'm going to call this one. Let's
take to the sea. This is Ridiculous Crime, a podcast

(04:15):
about absurd and outrageous capers, heists and cons. It's always
ninety nine percent murder free and ridiculous game freak. Okay, Elizabeth,
this first story I have for you today. It's like
a short story that Kafka would write, just throwing a
jet ski. Okay. So the year's twenty sixteen dateline China. Now,

(04:38):
I think this is our first story that ever takes
place in China. Am I right about that?

Speaker 3 (04:41):
I don't know?

Speaker 1 (04:41):
Okay, I think so. But anyway, it's about a Korean
man try to stay with me. His Chinese name was Kwanping,
but he never liked that. He preferred his Korean name,
and that's the one he would like to use online.
So his Korean name was Kwan Peong, and we're gonna
call him Kwan Peong, so my man Peong. He lived
in northeastern China. Now that's where he liked to hop
online and openly mock the Chinese Communist Party that runs China.

Speaker 3 (05:04):
That's a little dangerous.

Speaker 1 (05:05):
Yeah, that is what we in the Living to See
Tomorrow business call a bad idea. He primarily posted on
English language outlets, right, there were ones that were forbidden
in China, so that kind of minimized his damage he
was doing to the party. He would post on Twitter
and on Facebook. Now both of those are blocked on
the Chinese Internet. You cannot just hop onto Twitter from China. Yeah,

(05:26):
you have to be able to navigate the dark web
and access those types of sites. He could do that, right,
So he's going on Twitter, and that's where Piong. He
described himself as quote a perpetual student citizen dedicated to
overturning communism.

Speaker 3 (05:39):
Was he a citizen of the world.

Speaker 1 (05:41):
Oh, you better believe a sister. Now, how did he
plan to overturn communism?

Speaker 3 (05:45):
You ask, h how did he plan to overturn communism?

Speaker 1 (05:48):
I ask great question, Elizabeth, thank you. Was he organizing
young people? Was he fostering underground networks? Was he using
his hacking skills to wage war against the Chinese censors
and online firewells. Did he connect with dissidence and help
them to avoid detection online? No? No, no, and no.

Speaker 3 (06:07):
Did he post gift reactions on Twitter?

Speaker 1 (06:10):
What my man did was hop online and post a
selfie of him wearing a shirt of Jijienping. The shirt
called gi wait for it, Hitler like Zitler. Right yeah, oh,
I may be not saying that exactly correct, but Hitler
with G in front of it, you get.

Speaker 3 (06:26):
It, Sitler.

Speaker 1 (06:27):
So my man, after thoroughly mocking the General Secretary of
the Communist Party aka the Supreme Leader of China with
his clever T shirt Piong, he captioned his political selfie,
Let's work together and topple this invisible wall. Something's about
to get toppled. Brother, Yeah, right now. He posted his
Zitler selfie and his provocative caption not on Webo, which

(06:48):
is the Chinese language version of Twitter.

Speaker 2 (06:51):
Yah.

Speaker 1 (06:51):
Now, as you know Webo, it's heavily censored and it's
not easily We can't just hop onto Webo, right sure,
but that's where you would think woman would want to
be talking to people trying to take down Chinese communism,
But not him. He's like, ah, I'm gonna go pop
on Twitter. So why, Elizabeth, why did my dude Peong,
who is basically the literal definition of a keyboard warrior

(07:12):
against communism at this point, decide to take to Twitter.
I don't know to get this straight, you know, I
do know, And I don't mean to mock this guy
as like.

Speaker 3 (07:20):
A political existential question.

Speaker 1 (07:23):
Yeah, no, it's just a curiosity. If you will, I'll
tell you the answer though, right, because well, first let
me say this, I don't mean to mock this guy. Right,
he's far braver than I am. Or no, I'll put
it this way. He's willing to do stuff I would
never do. Okay, okay, better. So the reason Peong was
so western, mind is that he studied in America. He
came here for college. He attended Iowa State University. That's

(07:45):
where he got a degree in aerospace engineering. Good head
on this kid. He returns home to China, starts working
in the family business, but he stayed on Twitter. Right,
He's like, oh, that's where I talk to my friends.

Speaker 3 (07:55):
People can't get off of Twitter.

Speaker 1 (07:56):
Right to this point, the year was twenty fourteen, right,
So he's back in China, he's graduated in my Manpiong.
He gets his life set up in a city called Yanbien.
Now it's the central hub for a very sizable Korean population.
I didn't know any of this. When I was researching,
I learned that this is this the Yanbian is basically
a major point of focus for Korean investors right now.
They're all trying to, like, you know, scrape some of

(08:17):
that money out of the massive Chinese economy, and this
is where they can do it. And also I didn't
know this, Elizabeth, but yon Bien is the main city
of the Yanbian Korean Autonomous Prefecture. Oh okay, So this
whole area, it was historically part of Manchuria, which was like,
you know, the region more than a country. Right now,
in the nineteenth century, there's this sudden massive influx of

(08:38):
Korean immigrants and over time the population grew to about
two million people. So they have two million people all
either Korean immigrants or Korean people of Korean descent, right,
So then you have boom boom boom. Communist revolution comes around, right,
So that complicates the picture because these people came are
for opportunity, not for communism. So the thriving business community
population drops in half, right, so about one point two

(09:01):
million people are left. They're stuck in communist China. They
get rewarded for their loyalty with their own autonomous zone.
Right nineteen fifty five, the region gets an upgrade to
Ethnic Autonomous Prefecture. The folks living there today they exist
under modern Chinese communist rule Elizabeth right, which means you know,
they still have the their autonomous zone. Now, for some populations,

(09:21):
like the Wigers, their autonomous zone comes with re education camps.
In yon Bien, the population, from what I've learned in
my research, they still largely are Korean, which they speak Korean,
but they've also assimilated into Chinese culture. They speak Chinese,
and thus they don't have a re education camp. So
forth right, they're largely left alone. And of course that

(09:42):
is unless they provoke the Sleeping Tiger down in Beijing,
which my man Peong's like, hey, let me get the good.
So back to my man Peong is Zitler shirt. So
that wasn't his only provocative post. And another prior post
he'd spoken about drinking tea. Now I don't know if
you know this, but that's not a reference to like
spilling the tea. Right, it's not like doing gossip and stuff, right,

(10:03):
and it's not a Chinese twist on drinking the kool aid.
And you know it's not that either. So the expression
drink the tea it refers to a Chinese language euphemism
about speaking with the Chinese authorities. So yeah, you're being
questioned basically, right, So apparently they are for you tea.
I don't know anyway, my man Young, he posted, if
I have to drink tea again, I won't be shy
and nervous. I'll very clearly declare my views as bright

(10:25):
as a banner opposing the Communist Party. That's my attitude.
I won't seek out trouble, but if it comes to me,
I'll live with it. Elizabeth, it was like Trouble was
doom scrolling Twitter that day because old Trouble came and
found him. Yeah, so, my dude, he had planned to
wear his Zitler shirt out on October first, which, if
you didn't know it, that's China's national day. So he

(10:47):
told his friends that online and he's you know, this
guy said he wasn't seeking trouble, but you know, anyway,
this choice was a problem for him. Of wearing the
Zitler shirt to China's National Day because old trouble came
and knocking on his front door. September thirtieth, just a
day before China's National Day, my Man Pieong sent a
message to his friends in Korea. There's trouble now. The

(11:08):
Chinese authority said, come to his door. They performed a
magic trick. They made my Man Peong disappear. Oh no,
it's just like that, like a rabbit gone. So no
one hears from him, all right, not his friends, not
his family in China, nobody. Finally word comes out. His
family learns he's being held by the police. They've arrested him.
This is like early twenty sixteen October. He's resurfaced. Now

(11:31):
he now has a newly hired lawyer. His family tried
to hire lawyers, but China's like, no, will lock him
in prison. That should get a different lawyer. So they're like, okay,
here's a different lawyer. It's like a whole thing, right.
So his new defense lawyer, he gave a rationale for
his client's actions to and he told the press he's
from a younger generation that's absorbed ideas about democracy and freedom.
They have a clearer spirit of opposition. So he's basically like,

(11:54):
he's a younger man, Yeah, what are you gonna do?

Speaker 4 (11:56):
Right?

Speaker 1 (11:56):
So the charges against Pyong they were serious. He was
facing one and a half years long prison sentence for
quote inciting subversion, basically don't wear that shirt anyway? Trial
lasts how long? One day, speedy trial with justice. He's
of course found guilty, off to prison. He goes now
that real big bad trouble had found him, what would
my man Peong do? Elizabeth run away? No, he did

(12:18):
his stretch in prison. Yeah, he's like a big dog,
went in there, went into Chinese prison and said give
me my eighteen months? Did him standing up? Right? Afterwards?
He gets released from prison, and what is he now
ready to do? He's still prepared to do symbolic warfare
against the communist rulers. So the Communist Party they continued
to closely monitor his activities. And fast forward to this

(12:40):
last year, twenty twenty three. My man Peong he contacted
a human rights activists in Korea, right, and he asked
for help in gaining asylum. He's like, what can you
guys do for me? I'm of of Korean descent. I
want to come back to Korea, and they're like, oh,
He's like, I'm planning to making a break for it,
just just fleeing China. Would you guys get me asylum.
The two people hadn't spoken in years. He just contacts
him out of the blue with this crazy request asking

(13:01):
for asylum, my man Peong. He doesn't wait for confirmation
of this asylum. He decides, you know what, I'm going
for it. Yeah, exactly. One dark and moonless night, he
went down to the water's edge. He pushed a jet
ski into the sea and he climbed aboard the watercraft.
And then the thirty five year old political prankster he
did another little magic trick. He turned himself into a
political refugee. For his next magical trick, he made himself

(13:24):
disappear from China. So he took off from Shandong Peninsula
and all he had with him was a life jacket,
a helmet, and for navigation, he had a compass and
a telescope.

Speaker 3 (13:34):
That's pretty good, right back the helmet in the lifetime, I.

Speaker 1 (13:36):
Thought you would. So he also had fuel because it's
going to be a long time. He had five containers
of fuel he attached to the jets ski. It was
going to be, I said, long ass journey. So he's
looking at a two hundred mile passage across open ocean
waters at night.

Speaker 3 (13:50):
On a jet ski.

Speaker 1 (13:52):
All told if he would if he made it, it
would take fourteen hours. Wow, I was going to repeat
this for a fect. My man Peong's plan was to
take a jet ski loaded down with five containers of gasoline,
then ride that jet ski across open ocean to Korea,
crossing two hundred miles in the dark alone for fourteen hours.

(14:12):
Can you even imagine doing one hour of that trip? Okay,
he takes about five and a half hours to drive
from Oakland to Los Angeles. Right, you could drive from
Oakland to LA, turn around, drive back to Oakland, and
you'd still have three more hours at night in the
open ocean on that jet ski to go.

Speaker 3 (14:30):
I hate driving to LA. And it's not because I
don't like LA. I just don't like to sit in
the car that long.

Speaker 1 (14:35):
Exactly. Imagine you're like, bang, bang, right, you can't fall off,
you can't fall asleep.

Speaker 5 (14:42):
Yeah, seagulls are hitting me in the face. Seagulls at night, Yes,
they come out at night.

Speaker 1 (14:49):
So what do you think he made it through the seagulls?
You imagine you do?

Speaker 3 (14:54):
Yeah, I guess he did, Elizabeth, can you believe that
if you said that he didn't survive? Like, wow, that's bleak.
Thanks for that story.

Speaker 1 (15:05):
Next one, he made it to Incheon in Korea, and
the Korean Coast Guard they found it by dude, stranded,
laid up in a mud flat jet ski, had a cast, exhausted,
He's like, where's his lips?

Speaker 3 (15:16):
Were chapped? I guarantee, And that is so uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 (15:22):
Chap lips worse, it's always prison cheeks. Oh they crack.
I forget about it. So what do you think happened
to him now that he's made it after this insane
jet ski trip to Korea?

Speaker 3 (15:32):
He's famous.

Speaker 1 (15:33):
No, he's properly arrested, man, because it's against the law, Elizabeth.
You can't just show up in Korea like that. They
have rules. They have convinced Korea perverseed you go through customs.

Speaker 3 (15:44):
So oh yeah, I could see that, my man.

Speaker 1 (15:46):
He was charged with violation of the Immigration Control Act
and he remained in custody for months. So he ran away,
escaped on a jet ski and boom still in prison. Wow,
I'm sorry, shouldn't laugh, but it's just that already gets me.
But at least he was in the Chinese ranch pation camp.
Better prison, yeah, exact, totally much better prison. So finally,
in this past August, he was released from custody. The
Chinese dissident of Korean descent who had evil nieveled his

(16:09):
way from China to Korea. He was freed on a
suspended sentence of one year in jail and two years
on probation. So now he can wear all the Zitler
shirts he wants he had free Elizabeth.

Speaker 3 (16:20):
Okay, did he how did he? Did he have this
printed up like as a one off shirt?

Speaker 1 (16:24):
Or did he is your question? How did he get
you know, how like when you don't think he can
get a shirt in China, you're kidding, novel one off?

Speaker 3 (16:36):
So did he have like a ton printed? Did he
buy it at a store?

Speaker 1 (16:39):
You think he like sol screented it at his house
by himself, he was a screen.

Speaker 3 (16:44):
Or he just got a marker on a white T shirt?

Speaker 1 (16:47):
Totally the ultimate, like just sharpie drawing it and the mustache.

Speaker 3 (16:51):
Just imagining that.

Speaker 1 (16:52):
I like your imagination.

Speaker 3 (16:54):
Thank you, so much.

Speaker 1 (16:54):
Well, let's tell your imagination cool off because I got
another crazy one for you. Let's take a break and
we'll be back after the moment. Elizabeth Zarin, all Right,

(17:23):
the story I really wanted to tell you today is
about a man who called himself Captain Bubble.

Speaker 3 (17:28):
You didn't want to tell me the other one.

Speaker 1 (17:30):
I did, but that was just to kind of what
your appetite gets your mind going. It seemed to work.
It's yeah, it, But I really wanted to tell you
about Captain.

Speaker 3 (17:37):
Bubble, Captain Bubble, the monkey.

Speaker 1 (17:39):
The Captain Bubble affair. That's this next story. Captain. So
Captain Bubble that was not his birth name. Mary did
not named him captain Now, that was his street name. Elizabeth.
Dude's government name was Raisa a ka Ray Balucci or
blukych Bluky blue che blue Chee. So the Captain Bubble,
as I said, he has two street names as Ray

(18:00):
and Captain Bubble. Now he may have more. I don't know.
I don't know the man, but you know what, let's
get to the story. The reason we're talking about him
is that earlier this year, he tried to run from
Florida to England.

Speaker 5 (18:10):
I'm going to give him another street name. Right now,
what's that pretty boom boom, pretty boom boom.

Speaker 1 (18:15):
Where Yeah, you may be thinking, is Aaron I just
did the math on that. That's impossible. You can't run
from Florida to England. Okay, Like there's still something called
the Atlantic Ocean. Run really really fast, good point, like
a Jesus lizard just right on top of the water.

Speaker 3 (18:31):
Exactly.

Speaker 1 (18:31):
Yeah, we're with the physics. You're looking at his little legs.

Speaker 3 (18:34):
Run exactly.

Speaker 1 (18:35):
Well, that little something called the Atlantic Ocean that's in
between us in England. It's not a problem if you
properly prepare for it.

Speaker 3 (18:42):
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 (18:43):
Yeah. Some people that, oh, I'm gonna take a plane,
I'm gonna take a balloon, like there's ways to get
over it. But he's like, I'm gonna run over it,
and you're like, you can't run on water. Man, Well,
my man Raisa had an answer. He was going to
run inside a giant inflatable hamster wheel. Wait see, now,
don't you feel silly? Elizabeth feels so silly, added my
man raised when he had a plan.

Speaker 3 (19:01):
Hall doesn't have any like paddles on it. It's just it's.

Speaker 1 (19:06):
No. I'll show you a pictures in a second. Imagine
like if Wileye E Coyote had an ACME brand sort
of plan to get to England's I put myself in a.

Speaker 3 (19:14):
There a big rocket on the back.

Speaker 1 (19:15):
There's red inflatable. It's like a ring. It looks like
it doesn't matter. I was gonna use like a physics
like a bund of the it doesn't matter. But anyway,
so just imagine like two rings and they just I'll
show you the picture. So this Elizabeth is what my
man was rocking.

Speaker 3 (19:32):
Oh it does have little paddles on it. That's cute.
And it's like full of beach balls. And he has
one that's not the right color.

Speaker 1 (19:40):
Oh yeah, totally because you know, I think the original
one popped or something. So he just got whatever would
stick in that space. And so there's a bunch of
red like floaties. But it looks like a hamster wheel,
right but.

Speaker 3 (19:50):
Yeah, totally.

Speaker 1 (19:51):
And then there's like some chicken wire and.

Speaker 5 (19:54):
Or it looks like one of those industrial like it
looks like livestock feeders tipped on totally.

Speaker 1 (19:59):
Or if you took like a dryer, like an industrial
dryer and you just took the tumbler out and you
just put a man inside that and then put some
floaties on the side, or.

Speaker 3 (20:07):
If you took like an industrial like floater thing.

Speaker 1 (20:10):
There you go. You're using the tech talk. Okay, well
I didn't want to use all the light. Throw a
jargon at me. Okay, Well, let's go to his history
of attempts Elizabeth, because that was one of his later models.
But the year was twenty fourteen when he took his
first attempt. He tried to roll his homemade watercraft into
the sea and run to New York.

Speaker 5 (20:31):
I'm so glad it has paddles on it, because I
envisioned him in just one of those like round clear.

Speaker 1 (20:37):
Balls and like people run down hills there.

Speaker 3 (20:39):
Yeah, but like running in place on the ocean.

Speaker 1 (20:44):
Yeah, he's just drifting across the ocean. No, my man's running, Elizabeth.
You've got paddles, come one d miles. He thought about this.
So the coast Guard they catch up to him in
his first attempt, and they are like, what are you
doing out here?

Speaker 4 (20:57):
Right?

Speaker 1 (20:57):
So, according to the coast Guard, my man's homemade watercraft
was quote found to be manifestly unsafe vessel right once again,
they're with the jargon, right, But what does that mean?
I'm glad you asked, Elizabeth. According to the Title forty
six of the United States Code and Title thirty three
of the Code of Federal Regulations.

Speaker 3 (21:13):
Those are two of my favorites.

Speaker 1 (21:14):
He was required to quote clear any future voyages. He
did not clear future voyages. Not to mention, he was
also supposed to quote employ a support vessel. He did
not employ a support vessel. Well, that didn't stop a minute.

Speaker 3 (21:25):
Not all of us have a support vessel on hand.

Speaker 1 (21:28):
Yeah, not all of us has friends hire a support vessel.
What I look like Daddy Warbucks over here, right, So
just leave me in my hamster wheel to be in
peace and run free at this America. Anyway, Next year,
my man says he's going to go back at it,
and he did that. And then the year after that,
my man raised was back at it again and again
and again. His second attempt also failed. Yeah, that one

(21:51):
is because he was once again forced to comply with
the orders of the Coastguard cutter and a bandon his voyage.
They just do not like a dream. Now, you may
be thinking, Zaren, your man raises sound it's hard headed
he also, is he all there upstairs? I understand these questions, Elizabeth,
And to that I would say, he's a man who
seeks great challenges exactly. He was once a professional cyclist.

Speaker 3 (22:10):
Huh.

Speaker 1 (22:11):
Yeah, he's like a competitor at heart. And long before that,
he started out life in Iran. That's where he was born,
and later, after the Iranian Revolution, he sought asylum in
the US. When he was busted for his constant attempts
to run across the sea, Raises said, I'm not doing
it for me, This isn't for raising I'm doing this
for others. And it was true. He had once been
homeless and he wanted to raise money for homeless organizations

(22:32):
by running across the sea. I don't understand the connection.
It's kind of like when kids come up to your
house and they knock on the door and say, I'm
going to run a mile, and when you like, donate
money if I run a mile, You're like, I'll give
you a quarter for every mile you run. Yeah, they're like,
oh great. So anyway, cut to twenty twenty one. His
plan had him running not from Florida to the UK,
but from Florida to New York. Remember, this is he

(22:53):
is not made the switch, and he's still just trying
to run up the Atlantic euse.

Speaker 3 (22:57):
He's going to stay out of international waters.

Speaker 1 (22:59):
Basically, that's the that's twenty twenty one. But once again,
this is no small distance running to New York from Florida.
It would take him weeks to accomplish. It's night, Yeah, exactly,
there's the question. He would be weeks alone at sea.
He would be inside his inflatable hamster wheel homemade watercraft
by himself, sleeping, eating, doing all these bodily functions.

Speaker 3 (23:20):
Does he have an anchor for it for when he's
sleeping at night.

Speaker 1 (23:23):
No, but he had a place to sleep in his
hamster wheel. He had a hammock that was stretched out
inside of what you saw.

Speaker 5 (23:27):
Wait, I have to look at this again now for food,
and I keep feeling like he's going to run and
trip and fall down all.

Speaker 1 (23:33):
Totally and it's spinning around the whole time.

Speaker 4 (23:35):
Now.

Speaker 1 (23:35):
For food, he planned to catch fish and eat them,
which is not the best plan, but especially for your
going from your inflatable watercraft with a spear but hey whatever, spearfish. Yeah,
for sea sickness, that's right, you heard that. My man
raises suffers from motion sickness. Oh brother, and I exactly now,
why would someone with motion sickness pop themselves inside of

(23:56):
a clear inflatable hamster wheel then to run across the sea.
That doesn't make sense.

Speaker 5 (24:01):
You would be able to you'd hear my dry heaves
all up and down the Eastern seaboard.

Speaker 1 (24:07):
Oh, Elizabeth, I have to tell you he had medicine
on his side. He took dramamine, so boom he drama. Mean,
if you want to contact use contact sponsorship.

Speaker 5 (24:17):
Have you seen the glasses for like of motion signals?
I don't so well, I have it, and I've been
looking for all these remedies. And you can order these
glasses that are like clear and a tube for the
frame and then there's like a blue liquid in the
bottom of it, so that's like give you the balance
of the horizon. But they look so insane. I couldn't

(24:41):
bring myself.

Speaker 1 (24:43):
Half of what you see not.

Speaker 5 (24:44):
On the less in the frame, in the tubular frame
frame it is.

Speaker 3 (24:48):
I you know, I'd rather barf all over myself than
look like that.

Speaker 1 (24:52):
You're such a fashion now you may be wondering some
of the particulars of this journey because we've only gone
over some of the bold brush strokes. If you will
this plan, like, for instance, how fast can one man
power an inflatable hamster wheel. That's a great question.

Speaker 3 (25:10):
That's just a good question.

Speaker 1 (25:11):
It's a great question. Raisa estimated he could travel at
six knots an hour.

Speaker 3 (25:17):
Wow, that's soul.

Speaker 1 (25:19):
That's slow. Yeah, that's that's not fast. I mean it's
that's like it's basically walking speed.

Speaker 5 (25:23):
But for I know, but for all that contraption, I
didn't think he'd even go out.

Speaker 1 (25:27):
It's fast for a hamster wheel. I'll give you that totally.
I'm with you. I didn't moving all that mass around
on water. Yeah, that's faster than I would think, But
it's slow if you're running from Florida to New York. Sure. So,
I mean that's a lot of time in a hamster wheel,
That's what I'm saying. But that's why Raisa had also
rigged up plenty of like you know, sunshield because he's
gonna be out there on the water and that's you
have all the sunlight bouncing off every surf. It's a

(25:50):
great way to get a sunburn, right, So he's like, well,
I'm going to need sunshield for all my long daytime
hours of running. So he didn't just rig up any
old sunshield, No, not Raisa. He picked a special material.
Can you guess what that, Elizabeth? He used a large
photo of a price is right model?

Speaker 5 (26:04):
Stop it stop here, I'm thinking like one of those
like emergency.

Speaker 4 (26:09):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (26:09):
Is it like vanta black painted? What did you do?

Speaker 3 (26:11):
Could you imagine just absorbing all the universe? Wait? So
I'm hub a Hubb.

Speaker 1 (26:17):
A model, Yes, hubb model? Your boy? What'd you call him? Sweet? Sweet?
Boom boom?

Speaker 3 (26:23):
Sure? So I don't remember what I say from minute.

Speaker 1 (26:27):
He picked one of those bikini clad spokesmodels who stand
on like a bass boat during the showcase showdown. Like,
that's what I want? Is my motivation? Yeah, it's better
than that because her name was Nicky Zerring Wait, the
former playboy bunny and ex wife of actor and Sarah. Yes,
she heard about this curious sunshield and the fact that

(26:48):
Raisa had numerous pictures of her on his on his
website where folks could track his progress, because he had
a website, so he had all these photos of her
on that too, not just for him, just shared the love?

Speaker 3 (26:59):
Was this a way for him? To get her attention.

Speaker 1 (27:00):
I don't know, but apparently they had mutual friends because
mutual friends put them in contact. And then Raza asked
her a favor. Elizabeth, According to Nicky's erring, he said,
can you be my wilson? Like in Castaway the Tom
Hanks movie.

Speaker 3 (27:14):
Just wants her skin?

Speaker 1 (27:16):
Have you seen the movie?

Speaker 3 (27:19):
Like a bloody okay?

Speaker 1 (27:21):
So he asked the model if she would be his
motivational volleyball. He's like, look, would you be my motivational volleyball?
And she was flattered. According to her, I said, I
would be honored to be your wilson.

Speaker 3 (27:32):
So, I mean, this is really did should she go
in there?

Speaker 1 (27:35):
Did she just her picture?

Speaker 3 (27:37):
She's like, I thought he was going to keep her
in the wheels.

Speaker 1 (27:39):
Actually be her skin, her image, her image. I was
warning what you're saying about skinning. I was like, I
think the ball deflates.

Speaker 3 (27:47):
But and so he's just gonna have her skin in
a bag. No in the that's big of her to
offer that. No, squeeze the juice out of the image
of her in the red.

Speaker 1 (28:02):
In the red like simsuit or whatever. You just dropped
the gross out the first one.

Speaker 3 (28:06):
Four Thank you so much. Elbe not have a photo
of a volleyball.

Speaker 1 (28:12):
He had a volleyball metaphor.

Speaker 5 (28:16):
If you have to mean it, so squeeze the juice
out of her, put her skin in there, shake all
the bones out.

Speaker 1 (28:23):
Then you just got ourselves a motivation of Wilson over here.

Speaker 3 (28:28):
Well, I listened to this and I thought, I'm just
precise with my all.

Speaker 1 (28:32):
Very really touching, and you scan her. He was like,
I don't expect a stranger to be cool touching.

Speaker 3 (28:40):
It's creepy. Well yeah, it is crazy, especially when I
think about it.

Speaker 1 (28:43):
But I'll put it to you this way, Elizabeth. You
don't expect anyone ever to be cool with someone like
a stranger asking them, Hey, would you be my emotional
support volleyball? Right, but Nikki's earrings, She's like, sure, stranger,
I mean I was. She was apparently impressed by my
man Raisa and all he had hope to accomplished. And
now you know, back to Nikki, she said, quote, he's
going to have a spear in case there's a shark.

(29:05):
He's going to run in a hamster wheel basically across
the ocean. She she was very impressive, positive, like, he's
basically a real man. I think it's what she was
trying to get down to IY in listening. Here's his
own fish. He runs across the ocean.

Speaker 3 (29:21):
Anyway, This is like Sharknado.

Speaker 1 (29:26):
He was in Sharknado. I'm seeing the connection.

Speaker 3 (29:29):
I am going to put the red thread on the wall.

Speaker 1 (29:31):
Elizabeth realizes, realize, realize. So if someone told me that
they planned to spear sharks as they ran across the ocean, right,
and then they asked me if I would be there,
touched down to humanity, I'd be like, yeah, you got it, bro,
just like her, Elizabeth, where's your heart? I mean, that's
all I'm saying. Anyway, even though he had Nicky's earring
as his emotional support volleyball. On a fateful Saturday, Raisa

(29:54):
and his homemade hydropod because that's what the Coastguard calls it,
aka his inflatable hamster wheel. It washed ashore near Saint Augustine, Florida.
He had once again failed to run across the sea.

Speaker 3 (30:05):
Why didn't you just take it and roll it up?
I ninety five bush it? I mean, then he'd get
Florida to New York. You'd have a pavement. He'll still
be doing. I mean he could spear like calls on
the side of the road.

Speaker 1 (30:16):
Yeah, I'm into this. Well, the tourists on the beach
that day, boy did they get a show, right they
just is that the picture? Yeah, that's the picture. Show.

Speaker 3 (30:24):
There's like a guy.

Speaker 5 (30:26):
There's a show, face down like sunbathing, and it looks
like he's about to get.

Speaker 1 (30:30):
Run over exactly. So the people in Florida they seen
Wilder and.

Speaker 3 (30:34):
There's an empty chair next to him. So his companion
has run for help.

Speaker 1 (30:37):
You know you can drive trucks on the beach in Florida, right,
so like a wild place. Oh yeah, actually every year
it's real. Sad now it's real.

Speaker 3 (30:43):
Said anyway, Normally, if something.

Speaker 1 (30:45):
Is washing ashore on the beach in Florida, it's gonna
be like a beached whale, maybe a bale of pot
or like a brick of cocaine. You never expect a
man in a giant inflatable hamster wheel. So the people
are like, hey, take a picture of this kid's anyway,
raise it once again? They told you landed back on
Florida shores. Feeded yet again. He popped up out of
his inflatable amster wheel. He assessed the progress of his day.

(31:05):
How far did I make it this time? First, he
had decide where am I right? Am? I?

Speaker 3 (31:09):
Did I make it south of Where?

Speaker 1 (31:11):
Did I make it to Georgia? Did I make it
to South Carolina? Nope? He realizes, all I'm in Sant Augustine, Florida.

Speaker 4 (31:16):
Right.

Speaker 1 (31:16):
That means he made it about twenty five miles from
where he'd started. Twenty five miles. He only had another
nine hundred and seventy five miles to go around.

Speaker 3 (31:23):
I want him to make it to Myrtle Beach.

Speaker 1 (31:25):
Yeah, I know what I showed you. That costs raise
one thousands of dollars to construct.

Speaker 3 (31:30):
Jack.

Speaker 1 (31:30):
Right now you're looking at the product of more than
a decade of R and D. And when it comes
to your homemade ocean going watercraft, that state of the art.
I mean really, yeah, totally. But that bad boy even
had a satellite phone.

Speaker 4 (31:40):
What.

Speaker 3 (31:41):
Yeah, I have to say, it's very clever looking.

Speaker 1 (31:43):
His inflatable bubble got caught in a hurricane. Yeah, that
can happen in the Atlantic Ocean at that time of
year or so. In case that happened, he had his
sat phone right in.

Speaker 3 (31:53):
Case he went to the dry tortuga.

Speaker 1 (31:54):
He exactly, he got up caught there in the saragassa.
He also had a water filtration system.

Speaker 3 (32:00):
Look good for him.

Speaker 1 (32:00):
Yeah, because drinking salt water that'll drive you mad. You
know about that, right? You maybe think of there and
your man raise it already kind of sounds a little mad.
I understand that, Elizabeth, but not that kind of mad.
Saltwater make you mad and like, you know, long for death.
This is the fun kind of mad. He's like, yo,
let's like, you know, go to an insane clown posse show.
Kind of mad. All right, let's let's run to New
York and a human hamster wheel kind of mad, fun mad, Elizabeth.

(32:24):
You know, other than catching fish with his spear, what
was he gonna eat? You may be wondering.

Speaker 3 (32:28):
Seagulls?

Speaker 1 (32:29):
Well, he have you not heard the rhyme of the
ancient mariner? You're not supposed to eat these things anyway.
Any seabird, that's my rule. Don't need a seabird.

Speaker 3 (32:38):
I'd make seagull one.

Speaker 1 (32:39):
I respect off. Well, he was out there. He did
have a small kitchen albatross bird. Any seabird, don't need
a pelican, don't need a seagull. They need an albatross.
I'll eat a ducking near a lake maybe. Now, what
did he have in his small kitchen, of it's his

(33:00):
little makeshift kitchen. He had granola and ramen noodles.

Speaker 3 (33:03):
It's like my kitchen.

Speaker 1 (33:04):
Yeah, but he had no stove, so that was ramen
noodles dry.

Speaker 3 (33:07):
I've thought about that a lot.

Speaker 1 (33:09):
What eating ramen noodles dry?

Speaker 3 (33:10):
Any pasta ramen dry?

Speaker 5 (33:12):
Like for an earthquake kit Yeah, I thought like, well,
you just soak it water long enough, it just won't
be warm.

Speaker 1 (33:18):
But yes, from the most part.

Speaker 3 (33:20):
Honestly, I mean, if it takes a couple of months,
you can totally eat it.

Speaker 1 (33:23):
But some of the some of the noodles can't go back,
but not salmon. But there's a food illness, food born
illness you can get from eating pasta. Sure, so which
is screwed with any flour, I mean, like if you
just said flour, and also you know with the egg
going bad if you have egg noodles, I would recommend
egg noodles. But like he's out there with his dry
ramen noodle brick, just eating it like a thick cracker.

(33:45):
Oh you can do that too, Yeah, no, would you
sprinkle the flavor dust on it or eat it?

Speaker 3 (33:48):
Just dry snort the flavor dust, smoke the Ramen flavor.

Speaker 5 (33:55):
Be like dehydrated. I wouldn't put the flavors. It's gonna
suck all thet.

Speaker 1 (34:00):
You Well, it'll hold it in your body'll just pull
it out the places you want it. Yeah. So, in
his prior attempts, the coast Guard had always told him
that he had to register his homemade watercraft. As I
told you, my man raised a he listened this time.
In twenty twenty one, he filed paperwork with the State
of Florida, a vessel registration form in the area that
they asked what sort of propulsion system you run in there? Bro,
He's like, oh outboard, So yeah, he's the outboard engine.

(34:24):
What are you looking at it?

Speaker 3 (34:26):
Board?

Speaker 1 (34:26):
Yeah, very very fitting, I thought, all right.

Speaker 3 (34:28):
And then he's not installed into.

Speaker 1 (34:31):
So that's where the fuel of his craft used. He
checked the box other as in, like, I don't know
Ramen noodles. So now not many people are running Ramen
these days, so they don't have a box driven.

Speaker 3 (34:41):
Right, it's a biofuel exactly.

Speaker 1 (34:43):
So in the manufacturer box he put Florida Homemade Boats.
Just penciled it in. Now he's got a company name.
It is easy for maybe he'll get the business. Who knows. Technically,
he didn't have to file a registration paperwork because according
to the Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles.
I looked this up, state law require paperwork for any
non motor powered vessel that's longer than sixteen feet. That

(35:05):
law isn't mostly intended for sailboats, but not human powered
hamster wheels. And so they made a mistake because his
homemade watercraft was only ten feet at its widest point
and six feet long. Elizabeth, wait what it looks way bigger?

Speaker 5 (35:17):
Right?

Speaker 3 (35:18):
This looks way big.

Speaker 1 (35:20):
So he's all good under Florida law.

Speaker 3 (35:22):
Oh okay, so the guy in this in the foreground
of the photo is throwing.

Speaker 1 (35:26):
Off yes your scale Okay, yes.

Speaker 3 (35:29):
I mean it looked like it was like fifteen feet
tall exactly.

Speaker 1 (35:33):
So now he's got the laws of the sea and
the Coast Guard also to deal with. They would force
those which are different than Florida state law. So that's
what he'd run a foul of them past. Now for
his third attempt, he never reached out to the coast Guard.
So as he was running away from a point where
he had visibility from shore, Raza noticed his GPS device
on his inflatable hamster wheel wasn't working. This means he
would have no idea where he was once he lost

(35:55):
sight of land. You're in a hamster wheel. That's bad, right,
So he decides I'm going to head back. Sure, eventually
washed ashore at Saint Augustine to the amusement of the tourists. Right,
but as Razor recalled, quote, I open the top door
and jump out. They're laughing, they're taking pictures of me.
I know what I'm doing. I am not dumb. They say,
why do you do this? It's a very good question, right,

(36:16):
everybody really wants to know. And then we've kind of
covered it. But uh, the reason why, Elizabeth Nikki, because
it's there to be done, Nicki, Nicky's siring, That's why
he's doing it. Well as uh, you know, for those
who forgot, he was also doing this for anybody who
was experiencing homelessness. Remember doing it for the kids. Coast

(36:38):
Card is always like no, Raisa, it's not gonna help
them that way, And also raise that you're out of
compliance with the Captain of the port order.

Speaker 5 (36:46):
When he's all out there, delirious and dehydrated, he's just
gonna be singing.

Speaker 3 (36:49):
Why kids.

Speaker 1 (36:54):
Coming in out of consciousness, still singing the.

Speaker 3 (36:57):
Song donat jer car to day?

Speaker 1 (37:00):
Now, have you ever heard by the great voice hurt?
Have you ever heard of captain of a port order?

Speaker 4 (37:05):
No?

Speaker 1 (37:06):
So a captain of the porter I'm glad you asked.
That's a rule we covered earlier, which is where you
have to have an escort or a support vessel, right right, right, okay,
So if that's if he planned to run across the sea,
and if he didn't have that, the coastcar was like
a failure to comply with Captain of the Port orders
is punishable by a civil penalty of up to ninety
five and eighty one dollars. There may also be criminal

(37:27):
penalties for violating the order. Yes, serious, dude, like almost
one hundred grand for like not having an escort.

Speaker 3 (37:33):
Well what is this? Or sometimes it's a fine of
one hundred grand four having an.

Speaker 1 (37:38):
Say what part of Florida are we in?

Speaker 3 (37:41):
Hey?

Speaker 1 (37:41):
So now they wouldn't let my man eat or run? Right,
They're like, hey, come on, you want to do your thing, though,
Raisa indomitable, so what's he do? He's pulled off long
runs before on an open ocean. According to him, he
once ran four hundred miles in the Pacific Ocean in
a human powered, inflatable hamster wheel. So there's that, Elizabeth, Yeah,
don't doubt him. Four hundred miles. However, that earlier version

(38:04):
of his homemade hydropod was destroyed, so there's also that.
So you got to balance these things out. So, as
Razer tried to explain to the coast guard, I can't
afford to support vessel, so leave me alone, bro, I'm
just trying to live my life in my hamster wheel. Now,
he also added, and I quote, I don't have a car.
I put everything in my life in it. So he's

(38:25):
basically homeless in a hamster exactly. So, now that we're
all caught up and ready for last year's big adventure
in the open ocean, as Raisa once again attempts to
run across the sea in a human powered hamster wheel,
this time to England, do you think he'll make it, Elizabeth? Yes, Okay,
let's take a break and after third we'll find out

(39:02):
all right, Elizabeth, arrest Zarin here? I am you ready
for some more storytime?

Speaker 3 (39:05):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (39:06):
Okay. After his twenty twenty one attempt to run from
Florida to New York failed, and he'd failed a couple times, yeah,
old Captain bubble my man raised, he decided to regroup
to reassess. After some contemplation, he decided he'd need to
up his game, so he needed to do something harder.
He'd picked too easy of a challenge. That was the problem.

(39:26):
He need to get out of into international waters, escape
the Coast Guard, and they're muddying around in his dreams.
So rather than to run to New York, he'd hamster
wheel his way all the way to jolly old England. Okay,
So his twenty twenty three handmade watercraft was no better
built than his prior versions. Exactly what you see.

Speaker 3 (39:44):
It's a standard.

Speaker 1 (39:45):
He knows a model, it works, He's sticking with it, right,
It's like, come on, what am I doing updating the wheels?

Speaker 3 (39:49):
Time to experiment.

Speaker 1 (39:50):
So the Coastguard would, no doubt once again deem his
craft quote manifestly unsafe. Part of poopers right, So he
knew he certainly couldn't afford the possible one hundred grand fine,
So if he got caught and popped again, he could
do that. So he's like, I just gotta run. So
what do you think happened, Elizabeth?

Speaker 3 (40:07):
He ran?

Speaker 1 (40:08):
Well, yes, now, his dream of runn across the ocean
was very real. So last year, Captain Bubble back at
it again. Do you think he made it this time?

Speaker 3 (40:15):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (40:16):
Well no, you already know the answer. He didn't make it.
He's on this show.

Speaker 3 (40:18):
I like to imagine he did.

Speaker 1 (40:20):
No, the answer is hell no. But let's just forget
about all that. Let's just go there now. So Elizabeth,
I'd like you to close your eyes as and picture it.
It's August twenty sixth, twenty twenty three. The sounds of
the sea fill the air. The rush of wind against
your cheeks, the sound of the water slapping against the
prow of the boat, the rhythmic rise engine, wine, and

(40:43):
then slapping fall of the boat. You, somehow, Elizabeth, are
not seasick. Somehow, you're also thrilled to be aboard the
Coastguard cutter Valiant. You see, you are a trained sea otter,
part of a hush hush Coast Guard program to train
sea otters for Search and Rescue.

Speaker 3 (41:00):
I love it.

Speaker 1 (41:00):
You are a top secret seahwter. At the moment, the
US Coast Guard Cutter Valley was taking a patrol of
boundary waters part of your team's preparations for the approaching hurricane.
And that's when someone shouts out that they had spotted
something on the horizon. The Coastguard Cutter Valiant slows its
mighty engines and then roars over in that direction. You
and the ship's crew spotted, at about the same time,

(41:21):
a homemade human powered hamster wheel just bobbing along over
some very rough seas. You don't know math because you're
a top secret seahatter, but if you did know math,
you'd estimate that the vessel was approximately seventy nautical miles
east of Tybee Island, off the coast of Savannah, Georgia.

Speaker 3 (41:38):
Oh I know where that is.

Speaker 1 (41:39):
Yes, Now this means this strange inflatable hamster wheel watercraft
is still in US territorial waters and thus subject to
US jurisdiction. Now, inside the homemade watercraft, you spy one
man alone. You don't know what his name is, but
it's Captain Bubble. Now you flop over to the side
of the boat. Your handler watches from the edge. You
look up at him and he gives you the nod.
Over the side you go. You follow your training. You

(42:01):
slowly approach and then circle the target vessel. Meanwhile, the
crew from the Coastguard cutter asked the man inside the
giant inflatable hamster wheel to step outside of a vessel.
You hear one guard's ben shout to the man in
the bubble, we need to check the registration for your
inflatable hamster wheel. The man inside, Captain Bubble shouts back,
it's fine, it's cool. I have paperwork, but I don't

(42:24):
have it on me right now. I think I displaced
it somewhere. It's cool though, at the man of the
Coastguard cutter he shouts back, no, it is not cool.
At this point, Captain Bubble is basically getting pulled over
in the middle of the ocean, and it's a traffic
stop right like licensed registration, sir. Anyway, the man of
the coast Guard cutter he ask Captain Bubble, where are
you headed, sir? You can't wait to hear the answer,

(42:47):
You swim closer to get a better view. Captain Bubble
shouts back. You know, I'm just running over to England,
thought i'd pop over on to maybe say a football match.
Coast guard Guy's like, wait, are you for real right now?
Captain Bubble was ready for that one, he shouts back,
sometime I'm surreal.

Speaker 3 (43:04):
I'm surreal.

Speaker 1 (43:06):
Now you swim and hop up onto one of the
sections of the inflatable human hamster wheel, and you quickly
inspected seaworthiness. It is not seaworthy, not in your opinion.
You signal to your handler with a quick shake of
the head. Captain Bubble doesn't like this. He gets paranoid.
He shouts, hell's that sea lion doing? Get him off
my hamster wheel. Now you look past the obvious species
based insult of calling you a sea lion, and you

(43:28):
choose to hop off of his homemade watercraft when you
see Captain Bubble pull out a knife. Whoa Captain Bubble?
Why so serious now? But he's not playing. He waves
his knives. That's right, two knives, Elizabeth, one in each hand.
But he doesn't threaten you, the man with the knives
on the inflatable water craft. It's just yelling back, stay back,

(43:48):
or I'll do it. He holds a knife to his
own head, like Cleveland Little, holding the gun on himself
and blazing saddles the coast guard fell for it, going
Guy's like stay back follows. I think he's just crazy
enough to do so. Meanwhile, you have to swim to
a safe distance, which is good because Captain Bubble soon
realizes that his knife trick is not working. You won't
hold the coastguard off for long. But he does know

(44:09):
what we'll do the trick. He puts the knives down, rummages,
throw his stuff inside the giant inflatable hamster wheel. He
finds what he's looking for. He lifts up into view
and all you can see is a mess of colorful
wires in his hand. Is he holding yep? It is
He's holding a bomb?

Speaker 3 (44:22):
Wait? What do you?

Speaker 1 (44:23):
Swim right back to the coastguard? Cutter Valley intend Your
handler tosses you down to sling. You slip your head
inside a loop and he quickly hauls you above the
board a boat. You hear the radio operator say, this
is us CGC Valiant to base, requesting immediate assistant from
US Navy Explosive Origins Disposal Unit to King's Bade, Georgia
over and like that, you leave it to the bomb
guys and gals to figure out how big this blast

(44:45):
radius will be for Captain Bubble's homemade bomb.

Speaker 3 (44:47):
He brought a bomb. He brought a picture of Nicky
ZERI and a bomb.

Speaker 1 (44:53):
Well well done, U see Otter, I mean you're just
Johnny on the spot. Yeah, you did set off an
unhinged man during a rescue, but whatever, I guess now
we see why the Navy has top secret dolphins and
the Coastguard has top secret sea otters. Do you know
they used to have parrots or so, yeah, there's like
some sea birds. There was some bird the Coastguard. No,

(45:14):
they used them for like finding people lost at sea. Anyway,
the next day my man raised us still at it,
and now he has a bomb, so everyone is far
more likely to listen to his demands. But now that
they are listening, rather ironically, they are far less likely
to let him run to London with a bomb on board.
So yeah, he's kind of getting into his own way,
so exactly. The Coast Guard was just as persistent as

(45:36):
Captain Bubble was stubborn. They called in backup, so the
US Coast Guard Cutter Campbell joined the party with the
Coastguard cutter Valiant. The Campbell sent over a fresh boat
to negotiate with Captain Bubble. The Coastguard officers. They aim
to talk down the man with the bomb trying to
run to London. They're like, bro, you can't do that.

Speaker 4 (45:52):
Now.

Speaker 1 (45:52):
Get They tried to get him to, you know, leave
the human hamster wheel, and they tried to first talk
some sense into him. They tried to connect on a
human level, but everyone was kind of way past that.
Like if Sence was a place, like we'll call it
sen Cincinnati, Ohio. They were like, at this point in Barstow,
everybody's way out now. So the Coast Guard officers they're
trying though, they're trying to keep things reasonable. So they're like, well,
let's what's uh, Let's approach him on his hierarchy of needs.

(46:15):
So they'd send over fresh food and water right now.

Speaker 3 (46:17):
They're smart.

Speaker 1 (46:18):
Right then they tell them, oh, yeah, we got important
news about your survival. There's a hurricane on the way.
They were not lying there was a hurricane on the way.
Captain Bubbles like, okay, cool, I'll keep that in mind.
I better get running. So the Coast Guard officers were like, no,
I don't think you heard me, buddy, there is a
hurricane coming. And he did hear them, Elizabeth. He just

(46:39):
did not care because Captain Bubble was way more confident
than the Coastguard was about his ability to survive a hurricane.
He's like, let me at that storm, bro, I could
run through and I'll buffalo right through that. Boy, I
don't care if I'm an open Oh. So there was
this that as I told you, that decade of R
and D that went into this latest version of his
human powered hamster will right construction next level when it

(47:02):
comes to like bespoke handmade ocean going inflatable furniture and
intended for small mammals. But the Coast Guard, they had
a very good point, and their point was this, hey, buddy,
you have a satellite phone, right, And he's like, oh, yeah,
I got one, I got GPS and a backup and
they're like that's great, that's great, buddy, But uh my
point is if you have to use your satellite phone,
who are you gonna call? And they're like, you're gonna

(47:22):
call us, right, and you're gonna say please come save me,
And we're telling you now, we don't want to have
to come back out during a storm to save your
happy ass. So why don't you just come back to
shore with us now? And he's like, huh, making good
points there, off sir, So what do you think my man,
Captain Bubble said, once he thought about.

Speaker 3 (47:39):
It, I'm going to England.

Speaker 1 (47:40):
I don't know, yes, Lesabie said, no, my friends, I
thank you for checking on me, but if you excuse me,
I need to get running. So they're like, no, we're
not really asking. We were trying to be friendly, we're
not really asking. Don't make us pop it.

Speaker 3 (47:53):
Pull out their harpoons.

Speaker 1 (47:55):
Yeah, Jacket is dragon Lilly.

Speaker 3 (47:57):
Take out all the beach balls that are filling my
hamster wheel to have like.

Speaker 1 (48:00):
A shooting gallery. Ex So, at this point, though, Captain Bubble,
remember he's got the bomb in his hands with the wires.
He reminded the coast guard that he had a bomb, right,
and the coast Guard's like, all right, fair point, you
got the bomb. Okay, well we'll still listen. We forgot
about the bomb, buddy. So the Captain Bubble then he
did what the truly was unexpected. Elizabeth. You won't even
guess because it's difficult for a man who wants to

(48:21):
run across the sea in an inflatable hamster wheel to
surprise people. Yeah, we think, like that's the most outrageous thing.
But he's like, no, no, I got one more trick
up in my sleep. He let the coast guard know
this bomb isn't real. Guys. Oh he just I didn't.
I don't want you guys worried. So I'm gonna go
run to England. Now can I go? It's just a
tangle of wires, he showed him. He was just holding

(48:42):
up a tangle of wires. Did he just bring a
tangle just grabbed wires from like the back of his GPS. No,
not while he's talking to the coast guard. Didn't matter. Back, Hey,
I'm not in a mechanic. I don't know what.

Speaker 3 (48:55):
He just did this for effect. But now he's left
with a tangle of wires.

Speaker 1 (48:58):
And now yet no, so the coast guard, they didn't
know have to, you know, make a debate anymore. They
basically said, your plan, they you know, just shot him
with the harpoon and drug him back. No, they didn't
really do the next day, wait, one day on August
twenty ninth.

Speaker 3 (49:15):
But why didn't they just attach something. I mean, it's
just dragon. It's like a giant car.

Speaker 1 (49:20):
I just have a steel frame, yep.

Speaker 3 (49:21):
So put a hook on it and drag him home.
He's not going to be able to overpower. They should
have had you on that boat every time.

Speaker 1 (49:27):
Well. August twenty nine, twenty twenty three, the US Coast
Guard Cutter Campbell, launched its small boat and send it
back over to visit with Captain Bubble. They checked in
with him see if he was willing to climb out
and returned to shore before the hurricane arrived any day
now and they had to rescue him. The Coast Guard
they weren't. They weren't entirely sure if the bomb was
real or not real, because they hadn't seen the one
he just held up, like, oh, these are just wires. Yeah,

(49:49):
maybe he really does have a bomb. I don't know.
So anyway, on day three of their open ocean standoff,
they're like, what are we going to do? Suddenly, as
I told you, Elizabeth, there was a miracle, much like
how g Is felt. On day three, Captain Bubble decided
he was ready to roll back the rock, step outside
and stretch his legs. He told the coast Guard he'd
let them help him disembark from his doomed vessel. My

(50:12):
man raised up, popped open the lid to his inflatable
human hamster will, and he happily climbed out.

Speaker 3 (50:17):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (50:17):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (50:17):
A few days later, one day with a non consensual towing.

Speaker 1 (50:21):
Exactly, non consensual toeing. That's good now, at a US
Coast Guard base in Miami, Captain Bubble was there dealing
with his yet again defeat by the sea and the
Coast Guard, and he had to go. What would Nikki think?
What must think?

Speaker 3 (50:36):
She's so disappointed, asked her skin suit in the in
the boat. How much money did we waste getting this
guy off the water?

Speaker 1 (50:45):
Oh, we're saving lives, Elizabeth. No money is wasted, I guess.
So let's play a guessing game. Do you think he'll
do it again? Yes, just right immediately? Will Captain Bubble
try to run across the Atlantic, maybe turn to the Pacific?
Who knows? But stay tunes water sports fans, because if
he does, will tell.

Speaker 3 (51:04):
You he shouls like trying to go across the Gulf
of Mexico. First, Yes, maybe something, but one of the
great likes.

Speaker 1 (51:09):
Although the Gulf of Mexico is kind of a washing machine.
It spins, it spins around. So he would if he
could go in one direction, that he'd be aiming for
Texas and he'd end up like in you know, Jamaica.
Dr he did once again the joy Torritouka. So what's
our ridiculous takeaway here, Elizabeth?

Speaker 3 (51:23):
Uh, just stay off the water. I don't know.

Speaker 1 (51:27):
Well. I will quote my man huang Zou, yes so,
of Taoist fame, he said, And I quote, Once upon
a time, I schwang su dreamt. I was a butterfly,
fluttering hither and thither to all intents and purposes. A butterfly.
I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly,
undaware that I was shoe. Soon I awaked, and there
I was veritably myself again. Now I do not know

(51:50):
whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly,
or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am
a man. My man raised it. My point is aka
Captain Bubble. Yeah, he doesn't seem to know if he's
a man or a hamster. But I say, let him
dream on and he goes run again. Let him don't
go chasing the inflatable ball. Let's see if he can
make it. And if he can't, well that's what happens

(52:11):
to hamsters.

Speaker 3 (52:12):
Stick to the rivers in the lakes that he's used to.

Speaker 1 (52:15):
Am I too much of a naturalist, and let's say
let him run.

Speaker 5 (52:17):
Oh no, I agree, just let him do it. Yeah right,
So what I mean, he's a choice exactly.

Speaker 3 (52:23):
He knows all the dangers. They've made it clear.

Speaker 1 (52:26):
Let nature be wild. Let my whole I'm saying, we're
part of nature.

Speaker 3 (52:30):
Yeah exactly.

Speaker 1 (52:31):
All right, Well, there you go. That's all I got
for you. Oh hey, by the way, you in the
mood for a talkback?

Speaker 3 (52:35):
Oh gosh, yes, hate it?

Speaker 1 (52:36):
Producer Dave. Oh my god.

Speaker 3 (52:46):
I let cheat.

Speaker 4 (52:50):
The beginning of this episode, the bling ring one, just
had me laughing. When I was a little kid, I
asked my sister to come over and smell this UF
I had because it's smelled like summer to me. So
I sprayed it. It was WD forty right into her eye.
My mom had to rush her to the hospital. But

(53:10):
apparently I really really like the smell. So good to
know that there's a perfume out there with that smell,
and my sister will be very afraid.

Speaker 3 (53:20):
Oh Oh.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
As always, you can find us online Ridiculous Crime on Twitter, Instagram,
we have the website Ridiculous Crime dot com and we
love your talkback, so you know we'll be playing I'm
So hit us up on the iHeart app. Record one
and then you can hear yourself and always email us
if you'd like two a Ridiculous Crime at gmail dot com.
Once again, start that dear oh list. Okay, thanks for listening.

(53:42):
We'll catch your next crime. Ridiculous Crime is hosted by
Elizabeth Dutton and Zaren Burnett, produced and edited by My
name is Admiral Bubble. Captain Bubble is my son aka
Dave Acousta. Research is by Marissa. He should try running
a cross lakes or rivers start there, Brown and Andrea Yeah,

(54:03):
and then stick to the lakes and rivers. He's used
to song Sharpened Tear. Our theme song is by Thomas Cruse,
director for the human Hamster Wheel, Lee and Travis your
cool mustachioed bartender for the inflatable hamster Wheel, Dott. The
host wardrobe provided by Body five hundred. Executive producers are
Ben Hey, Nice, Bubble, Boldwin and Noel. Thanks. I just
had it inflated Brown.

Speaker 4 (54:30):
Ge Clime, Say It one More Time, Geek we Crme.

Speaker 1 (54:36):
Ridiculous Crime is a production of iHeartRadio.

Speaker 3 (54:39):
Four more podcasts.

Speaker 1 (54:40):
My heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you listen to your favorite shows.