King Carlos: the Anti-Footballer

Carlos Kaiser had it made — he was a handsome professional footballer in Brazil, and he played for all the top clubs in Rio, as well as abroad. There was only one problem: King Carlos was terrible at soccer. He was the “greatest footballer who never played football.” But that’s how he made his living, conning the world of professional soccer… for 26 years!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ridiculous Crime is a production of iHeartRadio Elizabeth Dutton Saren
Damn glad to see you. I'm me too, I'm glad
to see me too. I got a question for you
in a second. Do you know what's ridiculous? Yes? Oh.
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Thank you, Thank you, Talby. Here's the thing. The limited
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(01:07):
with smooth taking the place of the iconic juicy design
on the on the rump Zaron And here's my favorite part.
This is just amazing smooth on a person's behind and
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blinged out embellishments, dripping Mayo. Okay, the Mayo people are

(01:32):
wearing it, so yeah, Craft Real Mayo and Juicy Coatur.
I just hope that the people at the Mayo Clinic
get a bunch of this once it goes to like,
you know, it's like at the Salvation Army. Once it's
gone from like ross to then it gets they can't
sell it at Ross, and then they're going to send

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it to the Mayo Clinic. Yeah, exactly before they send
itself to like, you know, the the global South. I
think we should you get it to the Mayo Clinic.
Well do you know what Bailey Schaeffer said? What did
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Real Mayo, making this partnership an unexpected yet natural fit.
You got paid to say that. I guess. I hope
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with sizes ranging from extra small to extra large. I
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I see it, yes, and then it says the Smooth

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Lovers Collection has ended. So sorry, I'm stuck with Virginia's
for lovers collection. Sorry whatever, smooth Wow, Well Elizabeth's kind
of shows over now. I'm all smooth brains, right, welcome
to my world. Oh man, Well, if you got a second,

(03:20):
of course, I think I can still pull this out.
I've got a story for you. Yes please, it's mad ridiculous.
I like mad ridiculous. Yeah, like you know, we cover
a lot of con artists in this show, all right,
and this one he's kind of in a league of
his own, like this dude. He is quote the greatest
football there never to have played football. Yeah, never, the

(03:41):
Brazilian soccer legend Buffalo Jill. He once said, and I
quote I think he's the only person on the planet who,
for twenty six years, played football without putting on a
pair of boots. I don't think he ever went on
the pitch. He signed contracts with many clubs, but he
didn't touch the ball. He didn't even know the ball
is round. What? Yeah, this is ridiculous crime A podcast

(04:24):
about absurd and outrageous capers and cons. It's always murder
free and ridiculous damn right, yeah, Elizabeth, this dude reminded
me of your guy at Tilambrus. Oh yeah, run ice
hockey player who was not good at ice hockey, right,
yet he was a professional right Gules noticed broad brushstrokes

(04:47):
of similarity in this story. Okay, I thought you'd enjoy
this one because I know how much you like soccer,
Brazil and the Bitch all that stuff, right, I like everything. Really,
what do you know about the yogo benito? Every you
ever heard that term? I'm pronouncing very poorly Portugue. As
you'll note throughout this My Portuguese is abysmal, so just

(05:08):
keep that in mind. But jogo benito is in English
means the beautiful game. That sound familiar sounds okay, I figure, Yeah,
So Pele, the soccer legend. He gave us this expression
and it is a nickname for football, the beautiful game
right now, the ambassador of soccer, Pele, He's a personal
hero of mine. Rip the King yep. In nineteen fifty eight,

(05:30):
in his first World Cup, the first one Brazil ever won,
Pile was seventeen years old and that insane, a little
bit of you know, yeah, and he scored two goals
in the final, guaranteeing victory for Brazil. By the way,
at the time, Pelee was the youngest player to ever
play in a final, youngest player to ever score in
a final. Both records still stand. Yeah, Like my dude, Pile,

(05:51):
he's you know, we all know, best ever, right, but
he's also he was a Brazilian and Brazilians are known
as the best ever pretty much in soccer, if not
the best among the greats, we'll say, yeah, don't don't
tell them Brits. Yeah, on the national soccer stage. And
now they soccer fans, you know, they attribute this one
quality called jinga, right, which is like the the the dance,
the life in the soccer, right, is this indescribable quality.

(06:14):
The Brazilians generally possessed, right, Jinga. It is how they move,
how they expressed themselves, how do they relate to the
world of others, and thus it shows up in their
soccer Right now, if you're a Brazilian kid growing up
looking up to heroes, the footballers are it, you know,
that's just like the thing in Brazil all right. Now,
this brings us to the hero of today's tale, Carlos

(06:35):
and Rique Raposo. I make a little more Spanish than
it is anyway. Born in April sixty three, he comes
along just in time for a peak moment in Brazil's
soccer history, right this dude, Carlos Rooso, he uh, you know,
he has a devote or the Brazilian national team. And
in Brazilian do you know their nickname, the Brazilian national team,

(06:55):
they are known as Knarino, which means like a little
little canary, right, And in little canary is this graceful
darting creature and it moves so beautifully and you're paying
attention to it, and then it's like oh and then
it scores again. Le right, that's like what it's like
playing in Brazil, all right. So in the history of FIFA,
Brazil it has been the most winningness, the most successful

(07:18):
national team of all time. They won the World Cup
five times. They've wanted on four different continents. They let's see,
they won in South America in Chile in sixty three
or sixty two. Rather, that was pale second time winning
after fifty eight where they won in Sweden. Then they
won in Asia in two thousand and two more recently,
and then they also won twice in North America, once
in Mexico City and once in the USA in nineteen

(07:40):
ninety four. Right, yeah, we were around for the right
kind of You were in California for the World Cup
in ninety four. Not think it was about seventy eight
years old then, Okay, so you remember the fever. Yeah,
I've had fevers. It was it was a new experience
for America to have World Cup fever at that time.
We've gotten a lot better about it since then. But

(08:00):
you know, everyone else in the world knows that little
dance that Brazil's gonna do when they score in your face,
right right, yeah, then this is the dream that my man,
Carlos Enrique Roposo grew up wanting to become a part of.
This is just this swagger this inimitable style that is
Brazil and he wanted to embody that. So what does
he do. He decides, Oh, I'm gonna go I'm gonna

(08:22):
get good at soccer like some of the other kids.
And he gets good enough that he's on a professional
club's youth team. And at the age of ten, you
know that's really right, So he's pretty darn good. Later on,
a friend gets him a tryout and he goes and
he competes for a spot on one of Rio's Big
four teams on the youth league. Right around the same time,

(08:42):
he earns this nickname that will stick with him for life,
the nickname Kaiser. So he becomes Carlos Kaiser. Now Kaiser, Like,
why Kaiser? Is it for the Kaiser role, you know,
the delicious Kaiser role? No? No, is it for the
Kaiser of Germany? Perhaps the Czar of Russia, or if
you want to be historical, Agustus Caesar, right the original.
Now interestingly bringing up Augustus Caesar, I think once you

(09:05):
caught the Roman emperor up to speed on a few things,
like you explained to him airplanes, the internet, the continental
South America. And once you explained to him soccer, the
game of soccer. I think Augustus Caesar would have been
a big fan of Carlos Kaiser probably, do you know
why No, because what he did for their family name Elizabeth. Okay,
he's not really a family name, but you know what
I'm saying. Carlos Kaiser basically did the same thing that

(09:28):
Augustus Caesar did. He took the power of a story
and he used that to win the game that he
was involved in, this case, the beautiful game Caesar was,
you know, imperial games, but always the power of a story.
So anyway, Carlos Kaiser he earns this Roman nickname as
a kid because there's this legendary German football or the
day Franz Beckenbauer, right, and this dude's nickname King Beckenbauer

(09:49):
or in German Kaiser Beckenbauer. Right. So this guy Kaiser Beckenbauer,
he becomes somebody that all the kids knew about because
he's just an epic player. He played for at the
time where Germany. He was a sweeper, so they were
just like, this guy's the you know, the bee's knees
as you would say. And then in Raposo and Carlos
Kaiser's language, I will quote from him. He says, Kaiser

(10:12):
was given to me because other players compared me to Beckenbauer,
Kaiser the king of German football, the peelee of German football. They,
not me, thought that the way I played was similar
to Beckenbauer. I didn't give myself the Kaiser mantled the
Kaiser title. They made it up for me because I
had something. See, he was given a nickname. He didn't

(10:34):
try and create a nickname. Are you looking at me
like that? I'm not just you know, I'm sitting here
facing the wall like always. Well as some of his friends,
we call this U appellation giving time a little differently.
They're like, like, that's not why we called Kaiser bro,
And he's like so apparently, from what I discovered is

(10:56):
some people called him that because there was this beer
called Kaiser and he liked it a lot. Carlos Kaiser
over here like Bob Budweiser. But apparently that was also
maybe not exactly the story. Some people other friends said,
Oh no, it's just because he looked like the bottle,
the really distinctive shape. It was this low squat bottle
like Obohemias or they're like, yeah, that looks like you. Man,

(11:17):
we're gonna call you that Carlos Geyser anyway, Carlos Geyser,
King Carlos. That's how he gets his name. He plays
with the guy Jimmy Knightrain. Yes, they say that because
I run so fast, says so at six team I
do Carlos Geyser. He gets a tryout for a Brazilian
professional club. Right A scout spots him and he's like,

(11:40):
oh man, now this scout is there to see some
other player, but he notices that's this one athletic striker,
really tall, the kid with the memorable nickname Carlos Kaiser.
He gets hired. They send him off to Mexico to
play for a professional team. Okay, now, hiring a Brazilian
football star that's a certain kind of cache, right, But
having a Brazilian kid phenom come over to your club,

(12:01):
that's like a whole other level. So Carlos Kaiser recognizes that.
He leans into it, right, So he adds off to Mexico,
turned pro and I'm talking like he's like, I'm a footballer, right.
So years later, in a Brazilian newspaper Global, Carlos Kaiser
was quoted and I had to Google translate this, so
this may not be exactly what it would sound about
it in Portuguese, but in English it says like every player.

(12:24):
I came from a poor family, but I wanted to
grow earn money to provide a better condition for my family,
and I knew that the best way to accelerate this
would be through football. I wanted to be a player,
and I didn't want to play. Oh yeah, so you
may be wondering, Zaren, what did he want? Great question.
I'm curious, and I quote from him. I wanted to

(12:45):
be among the other players. I just didn't want to play.
It's everybody else's problem if they want me to be
a footballer. Not even Jesus pleased everybody, Why would I?
You gotta love him, Comparing them those like off the
get job. He's like Jesus and I We're just all, hey,
we're doing the best we can. But consider me and
consider Jesus. You'll note similarities. Now ask yourself, are we

(13:08):
asking too much of them? So Carlos, guys, are you know?
He notices you know in his game He's like, okay,
I'm good enough to get attention from a scout. I'm
good enough to you know, possibly make it pro, but
I'm not good enough to become a footballer. So instead
he becomes an air quote footballer and we make it pro,
but not become a footballer. Yeah. So what I mean

(13:28):
by that is like a football would be like the
stars and they'd be like, oh right. He knew he
wouldn't be He could maybe make it as like for
a couple of years until he got injured or whatever.
He didn't want to do that, but he wanted to
have a career as a football star. He wanted to
be a footballer like he looked up to as a kid.
He's like, how do I do that? Yeah? Without playing?
That was the big question. So he's like, okay, No,

(13:50):
what I mean by that is the dude he would
wear the boots, you know, the cleats he would wear.
The kid. He would have a track suit on that
had the team name on it. He would travel with
the team. He would be there on the bus with them.
He would be there at practice, he'd be there at games.
He was a professional football player. They signed checks to him,
but he was always, you know, really just an air
quotes footballer in his mind. So like, Okay, in Brazil,

(14:12):
you're like, what, every third kid wants to be a
footballer there, and I don't understand how could he pull
this off? Like how could he hold a spot and
specifically do this in Brazil? Well, yeah, these are all
important questions, and I think that you know, having read
through this story, I think the key is, first, out
of everything, you have to be Brazilian. Yeah, there's no
way you're doing this without being Brazilian. That's super helpful. Next,
you need to be specifically from Rio, also helpful. But

(14:35):
I'm just I'm out of the running on this. Both
of us, we don't stand a chance in this race.
But the people from Rio do and the people from
Rio they are called kariokas right now, the karyokas that
that is, they're known for this casual, fun and flirty
sonny every to day, I wear a bikini kind of
life exactly, and like, yeah, you're throwing a little samba
and sex. You're like, okay, now I got to kariokas

(14:57):
slinky exactly. Now, the Kariokas, when they talk about a
fellow karyokas, they're like, oh, it's the one who has
that sense of dance. In life and it's just like
ready to party, fully sexy and confident, always just ready
to grab hold of it. And that Elizabeth was King Carlos,
So you know, he was also a player's player. He

(15:19):
wasn't say karokas kariokas. He was a player's player. So
for one, he wasn't competing with anyone for a spot.
Everybody loved that. He's like, I don't want that. He
didn't care if he got the ball, so there was
no like personality clashes. Yeah, he didn't care if he scored.
That wasn't a problem for him. He was never in
a bad boot in the locker room because it didn't
have matter to him if they won or if they lost,
how he did, none of that effected him there for

(15:41):
the free jersey much. All he wanted to do was
be a professional soccer player like the dude. Alexander Torres,
who was the son of Carlos Alberto Torres, was a
Brazilian legend, captain of the team won in nineteen seventy
World Cup. He his son remembers Carlos Kaiser being in
different clubhouses and he said he told us to the guarding.
He said quote he created a fun, happy and lighthearted mood.

(16:02):
He would tell stories and he would get players dreaming.
I think that's why everybody liked him so much. It's
a really likable guy. He's just a vibe check. He
is a floating vibe check. Right. So another Brazilian football legend,
Richard Rocco. Right, Ricardo Rocco, he said to the Brazilian
paper Globe, which I quote it before. He said, he's
a friend of ours, a great person, extraordinary human being.

(16:24):
But he didn't play cards. His problem was the ball.
I've never seen a play anywhere. He has a Forrest
Gump of Brazilian football. But this is weird because Forrest
Gump actually did think so. Carlos did not do anything exactly,
but he's always there. I think that's really his point
is he was just there. Now you have to also understand, Elizabeth,

(16:44):
if you're going to try to be a professional footballer
and not play football, you're like, okay, well, occasionally I
have to, like, you know, deliver on the promise. So
how does he deliver? Well, it's a good question and
I have an answer for you. Oh yeah, you're ready. Yeah, So,
Alexander Torre said, Tea tells us worry about the time
his dad, who is you know, like I said, the
captain of the World Cup team. He was trying to
get this hotel room between Christmas and New Year's and

(17:06):
he wanted to be on this slanky resort in on
an exclusive island the Caribbean. And he was like, oh,
I don't think it's possible. And Carlos Kaiser hears. He's like, oh,
I could get you in that room. And he's like, no, man,
nobody like I am the captain of the nobody can
get this. He's like, I could get it for you.
He's like, no, really, get it for me. Carlos leaves
the room. He goes out, dude, here comes up and

(17:27):
he goes like, hey, all of a sudden, it comes walking.
I got the room for you. You got a five
days stay. He's like, how the hell. He's like, I
know a guy. So that's Carlos. Occasionally he had to
come through. Occasionally he had to deliver. He knows, yeah,
he can't all be show you know, hey, he knew
a guy exactly. No, Elizabeth, I'm gonna get further into

(17:47):
Carlos Kaiser and how he pushed the envelope of being
a professional football player who doesn't play football. Right, But uh,
let's just take a break, okay, and then I'll get
back into it and and I'll tell you how he wins
a championship and how he also eventually becomes friends with
gangsters and ends up in a bunga bunga party with
Silvio Berlusconi. Oh yeah, this is got Kirby Road. Oh wow, okay,

(18:28):
and we're back. King Carlos the soccer star would never
played right. I was just coming at you, do you know,
by the way, I wore my Paris San Germaine sweatshirt today,
totally out of chance. I had no idea what you're
gonna talk. I was going to comment on that. I
was like, dude, you came with the thing. I'm really impressed.
Look at you. Well, Elizabeth, I want to talk more

(18:51):
about professional soccer and being a king of slack. Yeah, okay,
So my dude, Carlos Kaiser, you may be wondering, Zaren,
I just don't get it. How can you play professional
soccer for twenty six years and not play professional soccer?
This just is a very good question. Yeah, it's a buffuttlement. Well,
I'm here to unbefuttle you. He's like the he's like
the mascot. Maybe kind of it gets a little stickier

(19:14):
than that. But okay, if you go digging into this story,
which I did, you'll find that most of the news
stories quote from the same documentary. And so rather than
quote all those news stories, I have been directly to
the source. And so I watched the documentary. Is this
movie called Kaiser with an exclamation point, the greatest football
or to never play the game. So in twenty fifteen,
these three British filmmakers, they hear about this story. It's

(19:35):
been bubbling up in the soccer world for years. People
could have heard about it. But in twenty twenty thirteen,
Carlos Kaiser he goes out and starts to doing press.
He's retired from his professional soccer career. At this point,
he's about ten years, you know, past retirement, and now
he's ready to go on TV and brag about how
he conned the whole professional soccer world and never played
a single game. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna go flex

(19:56):
on y'all. Don't tell anybody. Yeah. So, now this is
not a exactly true though, because out of his twenty
six year career. He did show up on the pitch
from what I can gather, thirty times. Oh okay, so
he was forced out onto the field thirty times against
his will. Now in that time he generated no stats,
He scored no goals. He was like a forward, a center.

(20:18):
He could have been involved in scoring. He was nothing. Right.
So when the British filmmakers hear about this soccer star
who's done nothing, I gotta go talk to him. And
thank god they did, because now we have this king
of laziness and his words. He tells us his own stories,
so we don't just speculate, we can go right to
the source. Also, by the way, I recommend this documentary
once again Kaiser the greatest footballer who never played a game.

(20:41):
That sounds amazing. To quote Carlos Kaiser. He was like
trying to explain to them his whole like the Tao
of Carlos. Yeah, and he says, and I quote, this
is the story of an anti footballer. I want you
to use that phrase, the anti footballer. I didn't play,
I didn't score, I didn't kick a ball. It's not
the story of the star player or the guy who

(21:02):
did everything. No it's the story of the anti footballer.
I just love bad term for some reason. He can't
take football. That's importantism. Exactly, there's the punisher, there's the anti.
So anyone who knew soccer and he got a chance
to see him up close, they could tell this man
is the anti footballer. Right, They're like, he has no skills, right,

(21:24):
like Carlos Albert Alberto Torres, the captain of the team,
he said once I knew immediately he didn't have all
the qualities he claimed to have, just like on site. Yeah, yeah,
that's not him. But you know. Torres also said of
King Carlos and I quote, I don't know if anybody
who was a story showing Kaiser as untrustworthy. So everyone's like,
you know, he's a liar, but I love him, but

(21:45):
I trust him. Yeah, what are you gonna do now?
The dude was a harmless criminal. He was a good
time Charlie, or if you prefer a good time Carlos. No,
like he was of the opinion like, look, let others
chase the glory, the recognition, the literal goals. That is
not for Carlos. You know, what does Carlos want? He
just wants to be seen as a soccer star. So

(22:05):
he knew that that's what's what he had to do.
And he's like, Okay, I'm going to pattern myself after
the professionals. And he was in luck because there was
already a guy named Carlos Enrique who was a professional
soccer player who looks like him. He could just be like, oh, yes,
look see I'm in the newspaper. Look here, I played
in this game. So that's how he gets his first start.
He's like, oh, I'll just but this other guy, this

(22:27):
second Carlos he was He was an Argentine, not a Brazilian.
So I was like, oh, you know, how's your Spanish.
Oh I didn't pick up much, you know, like I
was over there playing, but I can't speak that crazy language,
but I speak football, yeah, exactly, the international langual of kick.
So you know the newspaper clippings, he's using those to
get over on people. But that's not enough, but it

(22:48):
is kind of enough because at this time it's important
to remember there's no Internet. There's no way to corroborate
anything he's saying, right, Like, unless you were at the game,
you can't say if he played or not because in
the newspaper, it says right there, Well, and you know,
if he tells people and they're kind of suspicious, it's
not it's not worth it to then say I'm going
to call someone I know and who care? People did they?

(23:08):
And also it was a different culture, so people are
used to taking someone's word for it. Yeah, and Carlos
is like, oh, I'm in luck. I have no word.
I kind of wish that even with the Internet, we
just didn't care enough to investigate a lot of things,
says the person I call the special investigator because of
what she does on the internet. Special investigator. Well, special investigator,

(23:28):
I too regret the loss of like, oh, curiosity being
something that can be satisfied by a library, right, yeah, definitely,
what are we going to do? Yeah? I want I
want people to stay curious. I think that's one of
the most important things I think for anybody. Yes, but
at the same time, I don't want anyone questioning what
I tell you. Just leave it. Just leave it be

(23:49):
where Jesus playing its right exactly. So, my dude, like
Carlos Kaiser. Another big component of how he was able
to convince everyone he was a professional soccer player is it.
He looked so much like a professional soccer players. I
told you one there was already a professional soccer player
who he kind of resembled, but just on site alone,

(24:12):
the dude was in fantastic shape. Did he have a mullet? Yes, okay,
there it is. Yeah, we're getting into that there. It
has a confidence, the swagger, the mullet of our pro footballer. Right.
And if he took off his shirt and he was
with a bunch of our footballers who also had their
shirts off, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
You're like, oh, that guy was just like these other guys, right,
so he's not like super out of shape, and like, no,
I mean he's and he was like even soccer players

(24:33):
like market really fit, you know for soccer players. They
were like, man, he can outrun me on the right. Okay,
So the guy was just a physical specimen, right, And
and you throughout the documentary people are always asking, I mean,
how could he look like that and not be good
at soccer? That's like okay, okay, you know people are
there like, look, he looks like something. It should be
that And yeah, this is what con artists count on,

(24:54):
which is like oh, it looks like the thing it
must be. Told me that you told me a long
time ago. Once they when you were in Europe, people
mistook you for a soccer player. Always yeah, now except
people are fantastic legs, those gams. You gotta be a
soccer Sorry, sorry, you're cast. I have to I have
to ask you a question. Do you play professional soccer? No? No,

(25:20):
Carlos Guyser, he knows basically as all good con artists do.
He's like, I gotta just if I can get the
look right, people aren't going to question that because that'll
tell it right. So, as one teammate said, he would
prance around in swimming trunks, flicking his long hair around because,
like you, he knew, I gotta get that mullet. So
he grows the mullet out and he's like, you know,
like super fit, And he was always wearing like the

(25:42):
Oakley blades and doing everything he needed. He would totally
look like a soccer player as long as there was
no ball. No, Like that's like a Ricardo Rocco, the
Brazilian legend. He said he only had one problem the ball.
He was good at everything, but the ball was makes
it hard to be its soccer. Yeah, because that's kind
of the only thing you need. It's kind of the focus.

(26:02):
But whatever. So he had a way to get around
this though. So his idea was, I'll just stay away
from the ball. So he would be out there on
scrimmage and practice, I'll suited up running around in total fit,
you know, and he'd use that to his bandage. Nobody
else wanted to run. He'd run all over the field.
I mean, so if the soccer ball was on the
left side, he would run to the right. The soccer
ball was on the attack, he go cover defense. It

(26:25):
was on defense, he'd go on the attack. So he
just made sure that he was never near the ball.
Right back once again, Ricardo Rooca, he tells the guardian
he was everywhere the ball wasn't If the ball was
in the middle, he would be in the defense. If
the balls in the defense, he'd be in the attack.
After the game, I tell him, Kaiser, you never touched
the ball, he said, Ricardo, I have a unique style
of play. So you know, he had he had answers, right,

(26:49):
So this is good, Like when you're on the pitch
right running and looking like a soccer player. He knew
how to do that, and so he also did that
when he was off the pitch, and yeah, well not quiet,
but he was like, I can be a convinced look alike.
So he basically it's like, it's like, I'm gonna need
something though, to pattern the tao of Carlos my whole
vibe on right. So he picks another Brazilian star, this

(27:09):
right wing, Hanato Porto Loupe. Hanato port Loupe is better
known by his nickname. The dude was so cool they
called him gaucho, which is cowboy, So his name is
basically Hanato cowboy. Okay, so Hanato cowboys like the one.
He's like, oh, I gotta be like an auto cowboy.
So then Hanado is like a baller's baller. He leads
his Brazilian team to a World Club championship, and he

(27:30):
does all of this, by the way, looking like pure
uncut grade a nineteen eighties beefcake. This guy looks like
Fabio with soccer cleareas. Oh dude, he's he He loves
a good banana hammock. Oh no, oh yes, like he
would rock a speedo and a pair of like Oakley blades,
and that's pretty much anywhere heretic. If he went to
the bank, he would just like go to the bank. Yes,

(27:52):
Like I watched him do numerous interviews just wearing a
speedo and blade. If he's not near a pool or
a beach, Yes, he was full tilt rio like he
was so rio. Doctors were like, you're gonna get an
STD or maybe spawn one. I don't know, still dressed
like that self respect, I don't know. So Carlos Guiser
looks at this guy and he's like, I want to

(28:13):
be like that Fabio beefcake over there. And he's like, okay,
so I can do that. I'm gonna become the man
like him. This man already exists. And so he's like, oh,
that's when my rain starts. I became Ana Thos clone right,
so now also Hanado, he's the opposite of Carlos Kaiser.
He's a total goer. He's everywhere on the pitch. He
plays harder than anybody else. He's the first one at practice.

(28:34):
He scores a lot, right man among men, not the gaucho.
And he's like, that's who I'm gonna be. Like it's
just like you don't like to move do anything. But
he's like I can do the look so yeah, like
the vibe of it, Yes, please, I got that down, queen.
So he's like, he gets it all up. The sunglasses,
the long wavy hair, the devil make care attitude of course,

(28:56):
the banana hammet, and he's like, okay, no, and I quote,
all of you abroad may have only just heard of him,
but for us here he is a legend. Now the
person talking is Hanato Gaucho talking about Carlos Kaiser. What yes, Now,
you may be wondering, how could this be? That was
quite the table for the switcher, right. So it turns
out the two men have a lot in common. They

(29:17):
became friends, close friends once they actually met in person.
But first he was out there causing Hanato lots of trouble.
So I quote, I got in trouble at home with
my wife because a lot of people would say to her,
Hanato was in this place. Anato was drinking there, Hanato
was with a woman. And it wasn't me. I was
a training camp. It was Kaiser. So Kaiser's going around

(29:38):
pretending single white female. He's literally telling people he's Anato.
He's not just like looking like him. He's going up
to tell him he one time he went to a
bar told the bouncer he was a Nato. The guy's like,
oh man, you gotta he brings a band, he tells
the owner. Owners all excited. Five minutes later, the real
Hanato shows up and the bouncer's like, okay, what are
you doing here. He's like, oh, the owner sent me
here to like I was supposed to come and party.
He's like, okay, well who are you. He's like, Hanato Gaucho.

(30:00):
He's like, come on, bro. The real Henato's inside already.
He's like, what are you talking about. He's with an entourage. Entourage.
He's like, this is Anato gaucho, you know, Like I
don't know. He's like, man, come on, what I look
like an idiot? Hanato Gaucho. He's already inside, and he's like,
can you do me a favor? Show me this Anato gaucho.
He goes inside and there is Carlos. Guys are sitting
at a table with all these beautiful women drinking wine,
being a Nato gaucho, and he's like, so you or me,

(30:24):
and the two become friends. So they didn't make Carlos
go back and apologize and pay back the drinks. No,
not like my story. No no, not like that. He
didn't have the Marley family luck. But anyway, So to
finish this story with Hanato, he started, he starts saying,
he's like, I started hearing all these stories about me.
This guy slept with women pretending to be you. He's
doing this or that he's doing well off your name.

(30:46):
So what does Anato Gaucho do. I kind of give
you a hint. When he meets them, He's like, cool
with it, right, No, it's beyond that, because Anado Gauchos said,
I said, if the guy's doing well, let him unless
he's stealing or attacking someone, let him do it all right.
So he's like, if he's getting his wick wet off
of my name, I don't care. It's it's funny. Who
cares exactly? I mean, because he was basically using he's

(31:08):
sleeping with five six women a night as Hanato Gaucho. Goodness,
oh yeah, and some of the women were paying him,
but like it was like a whole thing. So women
were paying him, paying him to sleep with Hanauto Gaucho,
like Hanauto Gauchos now with Gjiggolo and they're like, okay, cool.
So he didn't care that he was treating him like
as like an ATM, a sex ATM. And he's like
whatever anyway, But I like Hanato Gaucho's rule of like, look,

(31:29):
if he's not hurting anybody, he's not attacking people, not
stealing anything, let him use my name to get lucky.
By the way, this is also my rule. If anyone's
using my name pretending be me, I say, let him
her them. And of course, you know this has never
actually happened to me. No one's ever used my name
to get laid. But if they do that, you know,
of I've got the same rule of Snato. Okay, good,

(31:50):
So just putting that out there anyway. So fake football
or Carlos Guyser, He's like, okay, this is my new thing,
b Hanato. So he decides, but I can't obviously be
Hanato because Hanatos now my friends. So he decides, I
will be Carlos Kaiser, the professional football much like Hanato.
So he decides, you know exactly, So he goes and

(32:12):
he gets his friend, who is a legit footballer over
in Corsica in France, right, and this guy is like
on a team, the whole bit. So he's like, hey, man,
borrow some of your kid. He's like, yeah, sure, why not. Yeah,
It's like, yeah, by the way, I got a camera,
do you want to take on a picture of me?
So he goes out and he goes like on this
like you know, practice course, and they take basically a
photo shoot this friend Fabinho. He lets him wear his

(32:33):
practice jersey, his jersey for the team for games, his
some of his warm up kit. He and he ends
up taking so many photos it looks like a record
of a full season as a French footballer. Oh no,
like him sprinting or like him staying there laughing and
I'm like calling for the ball and like waving to
people little fully. It's like you know some people do
like those Instagram photos where they act out a moment. Yeah,

(32:55):
he's doing that. I love seeing that in a while,
but people fake laughing. So he was doing that before
we knew what it was. And so now that he's like,
you know, become a footballer, he's like, okay, now I'm
gonna go and I'm exactly what I want to be.
I am a soccer starry everyone can see in this photo.
So he then does you know, he goes abroad and

(33:16):
pretends to go abroad in France. He then takes these
photos to the Brazilian teams and he does the reverse
of what most people do. He's like, oh, I've been
abroad doing so well. They're like, ooh, can I get
a tryout on your team? So he gets a tryout
on Brazilian teams by playing internationally that he never played,
and his resume is just pictures, like just pictures, and
then like him telling stories of being like at this team,

(33:37):
and he's like, now he gets hired at this club.
And then after his contract is up, it's like a
three month contract, he goes he signs with another club
and then he does this and he leaves that club
and because you know, he won't play, so they're like,
we're gonna get rid of you. Then he goes to
another club, and another club, and another club. He just
keeps going to clubs and every time it's the same thing.
He signs his contract, he takes a cash advance, he

(33:58):
does a round of press, he gets some fresh news
clippings with his name and his picture in them, and
then he goes out. He fakes an injury and he
rides the bench until his contracts do he goes to
a new club, wash rinse repeat, Wow. Yeah, it's pretty genius.
So dude, And he was defiant about it, he said,
he said in the documentary, and I quote the clubs
I've been at probably won't admit it because I was

(34:20):
a disappointment for them. But clubs screw so many people
over that somebody had to trick the clubs. Yeah, they
couldn't fire me. I mean, how do you explain that
you signed some player that didn't work out. You can't
sell them. You'll be devaluing all your assets. All the
teams I went to celebrated twice when I signed and
again when I left. So in the nineteen eighties, Rio

(34:41):
de Nijaneira has four top soccer clubs. There's Flasco Da Gama, Fluminense,
Botafogo and Flamenco. All right, and Carlos Kaiser played for
all four. All four. It's like playing for PSG Marca,
you know. Again, So he's out there. How in the
name of Brazilian soccer was he able to fool that
many coaches and scouts in press age and directors and
presidents In a word, yes, just yes, yes, Now how

(35:05):
he did it was remarkable and I will get all
into that after this break. Nice all right, Elizabeth, We're

(35:30):
now at the heights of Brazilian soccer. We're talking the
big clubs. Now, my dude, Carlos Kaiser he played for Flamengo,
which is like the biggest Brazilian club, forty million fans,
legends like Zico Romario, they all played for Flamenco legendary team. Right.
He also played for the big clubs. I mentioned Vasco
da Gama, both Flogo, he played for them, but a

(35:50):
few times, like Carlos Kaiser, he can't even be certain.
And he said in the documentary I was on Botfogo
two or three times. Wait. So he would leave and
they'd be like good ridden and then they bring wait,
I've been playing for so and have you gotten any better?
Sometimes he'd be on this, like on like three or
four different clubs in the same calendar year. So he's

(36:11):
just rotating through teams. There's so many teams he's just
bouncing around. They can't even keep track. Was he playing
on like more than one at the same time. He
never did that because he doesn't want to work. Would
go against his spirit. But he'd be on a team
for like three months here, five months there, four months
over here, right until the calendar year. Then he started
over and you'd go, look at all my press clippics. No. No,

(36:31):
for some reason, for whatever reason, somebody actually wanted to
see him play a game, and he was like, how
am I gonna get out of this? Well, then he
would just usually like fake a phone call from family.
He'd be like, oh, my grandmother just died, and apparently
his grandmother died multiple Like I didn't know he had
eight grand She was a very woman. When I was teaching,
I had a lot of grandma's feel bad. I thought

(36:53):
maybe I was a curse. A lot of babies in
the hospital and a a lot of dead grandmas. That's bleak.
It's very especially when you have a student who fails
you multiple times and they've lost like six grandparents. How
many grandpar I'm on step mama two and three now? No,
But you know what if I always figured if you
have to like debase yourself that much to lie about it,

(37:13):
and that I look at that as sort of like
very bad luck to say those kind of things. I'm
gonna let you run your game. You want to put
that in the universe, that's on your fine. Yeah, exactly.
Well let's see Carlos Kaiser. Yes, for his soccer position,
in case you were wondering, center forward. I think I
kind of mentioned this before. Yeah, so goal scoring wasn't
expected of a center forward. Predominantly, your wings are going

(37:35):
to be your big scores. So he could basically run
around on the pitch forever and nobody would notice. Yeah,
so that was one thing he picked the perfect position
other than goal leaf. You don't want to do, but
even goalie has to do more key moments. He's like, Okay,
I'm not lazy. I just don't want to run around
so much, but you know I will if I have to.
So you know how like soccer players are always flopping

(37:56):
and flailing on the pitch and then they ride around
like somebody shot them, right, Okay, Well, Carlos Kaiser fit
right in with soccer players. He was like a soccer players,
soccer player when it came to fly dat Oh my god.
He was apparently like like the high water mark for flailing,
the Brazilian legend Barbato. He said he was always faking something.

(38:16):
His whole injury charade was amazing. He was always faking
injured ankle, injured thigh. He'd snap attendon, so he'd be
like out in practice fifteen minutes in all of a sudden,
he's grabbing at his thigh going down like I've been
shot and got me again. Yeah, exactly. Also and was like,
so what really allowed him to go for broke and

(38:37):
stretch his non playing professional career for decades was that
he went international. Eventually, King Carlos takes his show on
the road. He gets the hell out of Brazil because
he had to like cool down the heat sometimes. Yeah,
so he would go and he'd take the value places
where the value being Brazilian is far higher, so he'd go.
He played Mexico, he played in the US and El Paso.
He played in Japan, he played in Saudi Arabia, France.

(38:59):
He played in Pair Saint Germain. Huh kidding. Yeah, he'd
be like, I would sign a contract and then take
the cash advance, so it didn't matter if the salary
came in or not. I was not one of those
players that sees out his three year contract. The idea
was to get out as quickly as possible. Yeah, he
was basically like Converse All Stars, he would he would
re emerge against somewhere else and go be cool over

(39:19):
there and then so this is all going well until
enter Castor Andrade. Castor Andrade, he was the unofficial president
of the club bangu in Rio. Right. He was a
very rich, powerful man. He was a numbers runner. He
was a store operator who became the king of the
Brazilian street lottery. He also grew up to be an
international mob boss with crime ties to the Cali Cartel,

(39:41):
the Cosa Nostra in Sicily. Yeah, he was moving heavyweight now.
During the eighties, Castor Andrade was considered the number one
crime boss in Brazil, which is not an easy title
to claim. That's a lot of competition, a lot of
up and comers each year, got a lot of good talent.
So he say a lot of hard a lot of
good exactly. So that just says who he is, right,

(40:03):
So he's putting down the competition year in and year
out in Brazil. So doctor Castor, yes, that was what
he was. It was a street name. He was also
the patron of a local samba dance school and he
liked to appear with the dance school at carnival, like
you know, festivals and parades, and he'd show off his
own white shoe dance moves. He was like one of
those guys. Yeah. Now he unofficially bought Bangu Football. He

(40:24):
couldn't have his name on the club, but he was
the president and he was the owner, and he ran
it like another wing of his crime fan So he
would like make players kiss his ring, like on the pitch.
Like often the journalists right about it. They mentioned it like, oh,
I've seen this eppend so many times. So one time
he had a star player who had he was out
with an injury. Right, So doctor Caster is all skeptical
about this, so he thinks the player is like kind

(40:45):
of malingering and isn't as hurt as he claims. So
he goes to practice and he watches the player and
then he walks over the players who he's sitting on
the grass. Doctor cast Door whips out his gun. He
shoots the ground right next to the player. Player leaps up,
runs away from the you know, gun wielding team owner,
and Castor runs after him, shouting, look, you're fine, you
can play jamorrow. Then oh he wants chased a ref

(41:10):
on the field, and there's footage of him. You can
see the gun tucked into his like like underneath his
back jacket, like tucked in like all your kids. And
it's like yeah, anyway, the nightmar runs onto the field
arm chasing a ref and he's like, look, I just
wanted to talk. I just wanted to talk. He literally
says this in press conferences. I just wanted to talk.
Oh god. So anyway, when Carlos Kaiser arrives at this

(41:32):
guy's club, there's oh big headline that says Bano has
its king because remember Kaiser ker so now the new
star king Carlos. What's he gonna do playing for this
mafia Don with a penchant for pistols. So well, he
knows immediately I'm gonna have to manage the hype. So
first thing he does, he gets some street kids because
he grew up street kids style. He's like, and you

(41:52):
get some street kids on my side, So get some
street kids. Gives them some money, some food, and says, hey,
come to all the first few games, chant my name.
They're like, so they do that. The Mafia Don loves
kids love him, so he's like, he's in good. This
gives him time to operate. Yeah. Now he's got a
little like little space, and so he does the opposite
of what most folks would do. He gets as close

(42:13):
as he can to doctor cast He's like, I'm gonna
be right with this dude. So here comes he becomes
crime Boss's new favorite person. Wow. Anytime a player goes
up to the chairman's office, there's Carlos. Guys are laughing
it up with him, going let me see your gun again, exactly,
So they become good, good friends. Meanwhile, he's still not playing.

(42:34):
He's like, oh, I'm injured soon really like Mike hamstring, right,
So he's like, doctor's like, that's fine soon. Yes, he
is a doctor's exactly. So you know, he keeps doing
what he came to professional soccer to do, which is
live it up. Yeah. So he's out there living like
he's gonna die tomorrow. And he's doing this in Rio
in the eighties. I'm not sure if that means anything
to do exactly. So he's king of the dance floor

(42:58):
at this point, and that's like where he rigs to
show off. So he's out there always every night, surrounded
by beautiful women, being a professional footballer. And then like
you know, at practice he's just hang dogging there and
not running and acting like, oh I hurt my leg again.
So everyone's like, look, man, we get it, but you know,
I don't know how to best put it. But he's

(43:18):
somehow able to endure this Mafia Done and everyone else
they compared this guy to like tripping a turtle, Like
it's very hard to trip a turtle, but somehow Carlos
could figure out how to trip this turtle, such a
Brazilian turtle. Right anyway, So does Mafia Done. He expects
that he's gonna get results for all the money he's
dumped into Carlos Kaiser's contract. So one day the doctor decides,

(43:38):
you know what, I want to see this guy play.
So he goes and tells Carlos Kaiser. He walks into
the clubhouse with a few of his heavies and he's like, look, Geyser,
if you don't train today right now, we're going to
shoot you. Oh no, things are getting tight, Okay, he's
out there dancing. He's got to take those loose hips
on the pitch because people are like, how can you
be injured and then be in the dance club same night, right?

(43:59):
How bad is this leg injury? So people trying to
put you know, talk is going around town. So the
next day, Carlos gets a call from the coach. He's starting, Carlos,
you're being on the pitch, either you play or else.
By the way, the doctor want to be stressed that
or else. Oh that's not good. So Carlos Kaiser now
he's facing the greatest test of his pro soccer con career.

(44:20):
He's like, how am I gonna get out of this?
One game time comes, he's out there, Carlos Kaiser on
the pitch. People were like, hey, that's him. The fans
they don't even know what he looks like. That's the
guy we've paid so much time for. So he's out there,
but he's on the bench. He starts out on the bench.
That's fine. He's out there. People can see Doctor Orgil
Castoric can see him. He's stoked, fans are hyped. He's

(44:41):
finally gonna make as much heralded debut. Coach gets the
call from doctor Castor's cell phone. Put in geyser and
put him up front, so he scores. So coach does
exactly what the crime boss orders. He puts him Kaiser
up front so he can score geysers. He's like, oh,
what am I gonna do? Remember, he's he can't be
around a ball. If he's around a ball, it'll be obvious.

(45:01):
This person knows nothing about soccer. So he's out there
warming up and he's got terrified thoughts. He's like, look,
I've conned a crime boss. He figures this out, he's
gonna kill me. He doesn't know what he's gonna do, right,
So he's like, what do I do about this hot
headed crime boss with a pistol problem? I gotta I
gotta think, Gotta think, Carlos, Carlos think, think, and he's like, okay. Now. Meanwhile,
there's people behind him, fans who they are mad because

(45:22):
he is yet to take the field, so they're calling
him all kinds of bad names. They're talking bad about him.
They're running down his mama, his daddy's greasy, greasy granny,
I mean, everything they can they're throwing him at him.
He's getting all these insults thrown on his back. Boom,
he gets an idea. He's like a guys, are you
mad man? And he knows just what to do. Right.

(45:43):
He runs, but not like you think, not He doesn't
run off the pitch not to escape. He climbs the
fence separating the fans from the field. He jumps into
the stands. He starts throwing blows. He starts fighting the fans.
He's kidding me, attacks the bngoo loyal. He works perfectly.
His plan is genius. The ref comes over. I was

(46:03):
sent off before even coming onto the pitch. He gets
red carded and kicked out of the game. But now
he's got to deal with Doctor Castor, who good, like
any self respecting crime boss would be. So he goes
running down to the locker room. Carlos Kaiser is down there,
who has disobeyed his direct orders? Right, So when doctor
Castor gets there, he's got his henchmen with him, his

(46:24):
pistol in hand, and doctor Castor just to go like
basically walks in and it's just pointing the gilling at him. Yeah,
Carlos Kaiser, He's like, no, I'll just let him tell
the story. He recalled what he was thinking in this moment, Kaiser,
for god's sakes, what have you done? The boss is
gonna kill you today? What have you done? You're crazy?
Then Doctor Castor comes in with heavies. He came up

(46:45):
to me, I said, Doctor, before you speak, I want
to say something. I can't tolerate fans saying bad things
about you. You are incredible. You're my father. God took
away my real father. Then he gave me you. The
fans out there calling you a crook and a bum,
that you are a criminal, a villain, that they were slandering,

(47:06):
you're saying you are a drug trafficker. Doctor, my contract
is up in a fortnight. You'll be rid of me
in a fortnight. And so he's a genius. Doctor cast
Star cuts him off, shouts in his face no, and
Kyles Kaiser is like, oh, maybe I overplayed my hand.
But then doctor cast Star looks at him. He says, Kaiser,

(47:27):
you are my friend. Three more months on the contract,
but another six months on Kaiser's contract and double his pay.
He gets his pay doubled for defending his honor. Yes,
he's rewarded because the crime boss is like, brilliant, you
are my dude, right, brilliant. Yeah, so my new conquering
champion of laziness. He gets rewarded for not doing a

(47:48):
damn thing other than fighting the fans. A true legend Now,
obviously he's got to maintain all of this with a
lot of lies, some injuries, a little luck, some cunning.
But this was not the end of his story, because
he then gets transferred to this crime bosses Buddy's team,
another crime boss who is more ruthless, and they do
like a whole little shady operation because they want to

(48:10):
buy a championship. So he basically ports over a bunch
of his star players and he in that group, he
throws in Carlos Kaiser and he's like, there, you got this.
So now he is on a team for the new
gangster and this guy Emil Pinero. Now Emil Pinero is,
as I said, the more ruthless gangster. So now he's
got to take this same game that he almost got

(48:30):
killed in and I was going to try it all
over again. So you're like wondering, Okay, well why would
he do that? I have to think though, Just on
a side note, that doctor cast Store had to be
sitting back and watching with a quiet, smug laugh, knowing
he wasn't the only crime boss being taken by Carlos Kaiser. Yeah, like,
I can see how you deal with this, Yeah, exactly.
So anyway, so the crime bosses, Like why are there

(48:52):
so many crime bosses in Brazilian solid you know, Like,
what's up with that? Well it's a good question, Elizabeth.
I'm glad you asked. The reason's quite obvious, and you
in the Silicon Valley should know this. It's the same
reason there's so many investors in tech. That's where the
money is. Well, it's what we in the clean dollars
business called money laundering. Yeah. See, they were washing their cash,

(49:12):
these companies. These football teams were great for money laundering.
So and they were also a beloved distraction for Brazilian
so it's like win win, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, Perniro's team
was Botafogo, so he started, as I tell you, with
a shady transfer of talent from one team to the other.
It works. He wins a championship. So our man, Carlos
Geyser is now a champion, yes, the ring, so he's

(49:36):
finding me a professional football champion. Real deal. He won
it all without doing a damn thing. So anyway, Emi
opened your other crime boss. I gotta tell you about
a street name. His street name was Bionic Penis. What
his street name was Bionic Penis? Okay, it's not a
normal street. No, that's not like, oh man, you gotta
meet my boy Dizzy. And so the thing is that

(49:59):
Emi opened your He suffered from impetus, right, and this
was before there was the little blue miracle pill Viagra.
So he had to get surgery, and he had a
doctor at a pump and a whole rigga ratchets down there,
and the manager of this soccer club even took him
to get this surgery. Right, he took the gangster get
penis surgery because it was like all casual. So after
he gets it done, like I don't know, the guy
after practice, like, hey, you want to go and get

(50:19):
your penis operation done? So, but apparently there were some
unintended side effects, one of which was Pineiro had a
perpetual stiffy like just like all the time. Right, So
this is where Carlos Kaiser enters the picture. He's like,
I can help you with that. So he becomes wingman
to bionic penis because remember he loves beautiful women. Beautiful
woman love Carlos, you know. Basically he realizes this is

(50:41):
good for Carlos. This is how I'm gonna get this
gangster on my side, right, And he says in a quote,
so long as I stayed tight with the president, I
could stay with the club until he wanted me to leave.
So he just keeps his wick wet for years. He
ends up making sure that Meal Piniero had plenty of
young women and to impress with the bionic penis. Right,
So Carlos Kaiser stays at this club for five years wow,

(51:04):
and never really plays, never takes like, doesn't shoot, doesn't anywhere.
The guy's just say stuff. He's like, you're the spirit
of the team, Like we know what you mean. A meal. Yeah. Anyway,
So less of a football or more of a ball
or baller. At this point, he's now working as a
personal pimp and the team pimp, because he's also doing
this for the team that he's on to Botafogo. He
would get beautiful women bring him to the hotel while

(51:25):
the team's like at practice. Then they go to play
the game. He'd be like hanging out the girls getting
ready and then you know, then he would travel with
the team to the next place. And so he's gotten
it down or he's just basically the pimp. He's not
having to do the whole like here, put on your uniform.
Sit on the bench. He's like, I don't have time
for that work. Yeah, exactly, I gotta go show out
this banana hammock. So now the lifestyle, this lifestyle I'm

(51:47):
telling you about, it would take him to some dark places,
as one might imagine. For instance, Bunga Bunga parties with
the former Prime Minister of Italy, sylviober We know where
that comes from. Yeah, Carlos, guys are claims that he
took part in some of the former leader of Italy's
a modern orgies. And you know, I believe him on
this one. He told a lot of lies. Yeah, I
believe him on this see it. But you know whatever,

(52:08):
who knows if it's true. There was like one player
who said about him in the documentary, if you tell
the same life four times, it becomes the truth. I
think that really is kind of fitting. That's essentially how
Carlos Kaiser ends up on the most impressive professional football
team in Brazil at that time, Vasco da Gama. He
reaches the mountain. Now he's a champion, and now he's
on the best team. Like half of the starters on

(52:30):
this team start for the Brazilian national team. Like that's
how good. This team is right, So they bring in
Carlos Kaiser. We met Carlos Kaiser to help us. Well,
I don't know the vibe exactly. So now these are
these stars at this point, they all know it's an
open secret who Carlos Kaiser is. They've all seen him
do He's like, oh, my thigh, I ripped a tendon
or snapped it or whatever it was. So they all

(52:52):
sit back and enjoy the show and they're just happy
to watch it all. And then as this is going
and they're all enjoying Carlos Kaiser, you know, etate the coaches,
then comes the witch doctor. Doctor the witch Doctor Elizabeth,
as Carlos at Kaiser happily explains, he performed rituals on me,
so my bruises would heal? Oh boy, yeah, Elizabeth, I'd

(53:13):
like you to close your eyes. My eyes are closed
and to picture Elizabeth's a second week in your new job.
You are a court mandated chicken handler for a working shaman.
You were assigned to the black magic priest named Pie
Santana after he had quote the incident. Now this professional
soccer club has hired the shaman despite the incident because

(53:35):
they want him to beseech the gods and do what
no one on earth has yet been able to do.
Get Carlos Kaiser onto a professional soccer pitch and make
him play a game. So that's what you're here to do. You,
as professional chicken hander that you're in a locker room
holding two chickens that are intended for ritual purposes. There
will be no blood, not on your watch. But the
shaman is allowed to move the chicken around in great

(53:57):
big circles as well. He can gently shake the bird
nearer the person he is praying over. In this case
it is Carlos Kaiser. So you watch intently as he
does exactly that, trying to lift the curse on this
haunted footballer. The shaman stands over him, the footballer. He
is shirtless, lying on his back. He smirks his chicken
feathers lightly rained down on him. You watch the scene,

(54:18):
noting how surreal it is. Careful that no chickens are
harmed in this ritual. You will not have a repeat
of the incidents. Now cut to the soccer stars on
the club also watching this in the locker room. They
have a real show on their hands with this one.
And you know some of these players, You're like wow.
They're like, well, look at all this, the pirate technics,
the chickens, this is amazing. So you guys are all
enjoying it. Meanwhile, there's Carlos Kaiser who is hating all

(54:40):
of this. There's too much attention. He wants this side
show action done. You hear him, Tell the witch doctor
take your money, mate, there's nothing wrong with me. Take
your money and don't bother doing your thing. I intend
to stay injured for the rest of my life. You
smile because the truth of that statement is like seeing
a unicorn in a glade. It just feels special somehow.
It is so honest. You're like, wow, I'm so glad

(55:03):
I'm handling chickens today. Well, Elizabeth, that was your moment
with Carlos Teiser and he got out of by the way,
professional soccer just in time. This is right before he
retired in two thousand and three. He retired from professional
soccer after a twenty six year professional career without ever
basically doing anything. He never scores a goal, never even shoots,
doesn't take a single shot. He is the do nothing

(55:25):
king now. By the way, he was also the most
ambitionless professional athlete of all times. So I think he
is the goat of that oh, definitely, a true goat
of his own lane. Definitely. Now, I also like to
point out that he didn't hurt nobody, and for the
final word on him, I will turn to his friend
Hanato Gaucho. He was the greatest footballer to never have
played football, and thus the title of the documentary amazing.

(55:48):
So what did he do now, Elizabeth? Well, I don't know.
You tell me he's a life coach of course, a
personal wellness trainer, oh boy, and get this, none of
his clients are a men surprised. So what does our
ridiculous takeaway from kinking? It goes to act like you know,
he is my new hero of the do nothing movement.

(56:10):
What's your ridiculous takeaway? Don't I just told you the story?
You're not listening at all? Ridiculous takeaways? What you want?
It was pearls? Anyway, That's all I got for you.
I hope you enjoyed it, beautiful. You can find us
online at Ridiculous Crime, on Twitter and Instagram. If you
like stories and pictures, you can also hit us up

(56:30):
at the email Ridiculous Crime at gmail dot com. There
is the talk back app on the iHeart app that
you can leave us messages and uh yes, you listened
to them all and appreciate them all, so thanks for miss.
Ridiculous Crime is hosted by Elizabeth Dutton and Zaron Burnett, producer,

(56:51):
edited by the Chief of the Brazilian Clubs, Dave Couste.
Research is by the Inimmitable Marissa Brown and the Unstoppable
Andrea Song Sharpen tier. A. Theme song is by Mo Fogo,
Thomas Lee and Travis Iaogo Dutton Hi Executive producers are
Ben Ago Bowling and No Maiden Score Brown Day See

(57:23):
It one More Times Crow. Ridiculous Crime is a production
of iHeartRadio. Four more podcasts of my Heart Radio. Visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.